r/AdhdRelationships

Hi everyone, my partner and I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. Throughout the relationship it has been an ongoing problem that he will consistently (like I mean every time) have to ask me to repeat myself when I’m talking to him because he loses track of the conversation or misses an important detail. For context, I love having conversations about the “deeper things” like what’s going on with myself emotionally or what’s going on with him emotionally. I like talking about the past and hearing about his past. It’s important to me to be heard- it’s one of the primary ways I really feel loved. I know that he loves me and cares deeply for me. He goes out of his way to do things for me to make my life easier, and when he knows I’m really struggling ( I have somewhat of a turbulent situation with some family members) he has dropped what he’s doing to come be present with me. But when it comes to processing a situation- I tend to verbally process-he just can’t seem to keep up. I’ll admit that I can tend to be long winded, but it seems that even when I omit stories and condense my thoughts or events of the day to a sentence or two I will still have to repeat myself, sometimes multiple times. He’s been diagnosed with adhd and has been trialing some different medications but so far the two that he’s tried haven’t really been working for him. One medication made him really anxious, and the one he’s on now just doesn’t seem to be making a difference for him.
I have tried to change how I talk to him, but no matter what he will inevitably lose track of the conversation- ask me what I was saying, tell me he “zoned out” etc. I know he doesn’t mean it to hurt me, but it’s so hard to feel like I can’t share about anything that isn’t actively happening in front of us and doesn’t require more than a quick sentence or two to unpack.
I’ve looked around online for anyone experiencing anything similar/ any advice for how to handle this kind of communication block- but everything I’ve seen so far is more along the lines of. “I ask my partner to empty the dishwasher every day and they never do it” that is definitely not the issue here- it’s in the personal communication/ sharing element of the relationship.
I love him so much and he’s really such a sweetheart- but I can’t seem to get over this hurdle. If there’s anyone out there who resonates with this, please comment, because I feel so isolated having this problem, and thanks for hearing me out and making it all the way down this ramble of a question.
If anyone has any practical ideas or advice or ways that you’ve found success in communication. I’m very open to trying new things, but I can’t tolerate a relationship where I’m pretty much able to converse with everyone else in my life- family, friends, coworkers, but not my partner- and I really want to try some things because I don’t want to give up on this relationship.

ADHD partner gets very overwhelmed/angry over small things. How do you deal with this?

I (31F) am in a relationship with my partner (34M) and we both have ADHD (both diagnosed and both suspect we might also be on the autism spectrum). However our ADHD presents very differently and I’m starting to struggle with his in a way that’s affecting how I feel in the relationship.

One of the biggest issues is how he handles everyday things like losing items, getting ready to leave the house or dealing with small problems.

For example he often puts things down in random places and then can’t find them later (keys, wallet, etc). I don't have an issue with that, the problem is the reaction.

When he can’t find something, he doesn’t just go “hey babe, I can’t find my \[item\], can you help me look?” It turns into immediate frustration and almost panic. He gets visibly upset, stressed, angry and it becomes very intense very quickly. We end up stopping everything and searching the apartment while he’s spiraling.

A good example: if he’s looking for something in a closet or bag, instead of slowing down or asking for help, he’ll start pulling everything out quickly and throwing it around, creating more chaos. Things get misplaced in the process, and sometimes important items end up in random places. Then I’m already thinking “this is going to be the next thing he can’t find later,” which adds more stress. I’ve also noticed I’ve started tracking where he puts things to prevent the next meltdown, which makes me feel more like a mother than a partner.

This kind of reaction also happens with other small things like dropping stuff or struggling with instructions. There’s often a strong emotional response that feels disproportionate to the situation and leaves me unsure how to react.

What I struggle with is not the ADHD symptoms themselves but the emotional intensity and lack of regulation. I feel like I’m constantly pulled into these stressful moments, and I end up stepping into a caretaker role, trying to calm things down and fix the situation so we can move on.

Over time this has started to affect how I feel around him. I don’t fully relax because I’m bracing for the next “mini crisis” It also makes it hard not to feel frustrated, especially when it feels like more structure (like consistent places for important items) could prevent some of it.

I want to be understanding, because I also have ADHD, but mine manifests very differently (more internal, less explosive). So I’m having trouble figuring out what is:

\- something that can realistically improve with coping strategies

\- vs. something that’s just how he is

So I guess my questions are:

\- For those with ADHD who experience emotional reactions like this, has anything helped you regulate it?

\- For partners, how do you cope without burning out?

\- Can this realistically improve with awareness/effort, or is it a stable trait?

I really care about him, but I’m starting to feel drained and on edge and I don’t want to end up resenting him over something that might (or might not) be manageable.

Would really appreciate hearing real experiences from either side

Hi,

Maybe my story is not more complicated than anyone else’s who is going through something similar, but I’m still looking for people who have gone through the same thing, because I’ve reached a point where the only reason I’m still with my current partner is that I truly love him, yet I’m suffering terribly in this relationship.

He has diagnosed ADHD and is on medication, although honestly I don’t see much difference from it. I can only imagine what he was like without it, since he’s apparently been taking it for over 10 years.
Our relationship started really well. We connected deeply and moved in together quite quickly. The problems really started after that. Little by little, I became completely lonely beside him. Sometimes he doesn’t even seem to notice that I’m there. Knowing about his condition, I try not to complain when I feel neglected, but I can only suppress it for so long before it all bursts out of me, which always causes outrage on his side.
He works from home, so he’s basically always there. His sleep schedule is completely unpredictable. Sometimes he sleeps through most of the workday and then becomes hyperfocused in the evening, regularly staying up instead of coming to bed with me. I try setting boundaries or time limits, but he simply can’t stick to them. At times like this I feel like I just have to go to bed alone, because the more I bring up that he should finish for the day and come sleep, the longer he stays up.
I often feel like I’m just an annoying little red dot on his radar, while he wants to live his life however is most comfortable for him, without making any compromises at all. Sometimes for a day or two he manages to pull himself together, and during those moments we can actually talk things through. But he still doesn’t seem capable of seeing himself or how absurd the situation has become, that he can’t even put the bare minimum into the relationship anymore.
At this point I feel more like a mother than a partner. I cook, clean, and I’m there whenever he needs affection, but in return I get almost nothing emotionally. His constant sleeping habits are driving me insane, and when I brought it up, his solution was that maybe I should simply stay up later too if I want to spend time with him.
The strange thing is that he’s actually an intelligent and deeply complex person, which makes it even harder for me to understand how he can be so blind to this side of things, as if his awareness of the disorder simply stops before reaching this area.
There are things I absolutely understand are caused by ADHD, but deep down I still believe that with enough willingness, a person can make changes if they genuinely want their relationship to work. And lately I feel like maybe he simply doesn’t want this enough anymore.
And I’m just becoming more and more exhausted.
Deep in my heart, I feel like this is a losing battle. But at the same time, I’m terrified that maybe I’m missing something, something I could still do differently to help save the relationship.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and managed to pull the relationship back from this direction?

Hi, all. I’m (24F) & concerned about my (23M) boyfriend. We’ve been together a little over 1 year, and I’ve noticed consistent patterns of his that I thought he was just forgetful.

After confiding in a close friend whom I didn’t know was diagnosed and medicated for ADD, highly recommended me to push my boyfriend to get tested due to a lot of his behaviors I explained are how this friend was before getting diagnosed and medicated for ADD.

Can I have someone’s opinion on these below? My boyfriend did get tested, and told me the doctor thinks it’s anxiety he may have and not ADD.

His doctor isn’t the one who spends time with him daily though, and honestly these below are affecting my feelings in my relationship. I have absolutely no ADD/ADHD.. knowledge, etc. I’d appreciate any advice.

- He forgets things so often. This is the biggest issue I have. I understand being a forgetful person, but it’s honestly at a concerning point to me.

a. He once forgot flowers he bought for me and says he would bring them the next day. Then forgets the very next day, and this happened for like 3 days. This has happened 2 times or so.

b. Not going to open this entire can of worms but the gist is he had a OF subscription account attached to his email. There was payments on the account attached to both of his bank cards. This was before me, so the OF subscriptions/ account isn’t the issue.

The issue is he told me he’s never ever used OF or made any accounts. He told me he never made the account (Yet attached to his email), and never paid for anything on it (Yet attached to both of his 2 bank card numbers for reoccurring payments.)

What the hell do I make of that entire situation? I still don’t know. I also genuinely don’t think he’s lying to me.

— I’m going to end that here, but there are more situations I can describe.

- He’ll ‘misplace’ / ‘lose’ items when it is in his hand, or within eyesight.

- He doesn’t handle important things unless there is a deadline in which he will do that the day of.

- He seems withdrawn from conversation and that he isn’t listening to me- like, he doesn’t seem engaged or interested in what I have to say.

- I try to tell him to do things to help himself do/remember certain things, and he just doesn’t do them or seem he wants to.

- I’m not saying he IS, but to ME, he seems quite lazy. He has a job and is responsible from what I know, but just lack of getting adult things taken care of in a timely manner throws me off.

I truly care for him, he’s genuine, and sweet but this is affecting me negatively in my relationship.

I’m very much the opposite of the behaviors I described how he is above, and a ‘control freak’ if you will.

I honestly thought it could be ADD in him (ADHD runs in his family.) but could it be he’s just.. like that as a person? There’s other situations / concerns I haven’t posted, but that’s some that I wonder if it is ADD related?..

I really don’t know what to do and don’t want to resort to breaking up, but I’m at a loss right now. Thank you for anyone who responds.

Hi all.

I have had a crush for a year or two now. I think about them constantly, and I am afraid it might be some form of dopamine addiction.

I don't want tob pursue this crush(I'm in a monogamous relationship).

I don't mind having crushes, but this one is borderline infatuation. Imagining all sorts of fake scenarios with them, interpreting little things they do(like stroking their watch, etc) as romantic.

I have been going through some traumatic things in my life and my relationship has been on the rocks(in fact we are currently separated), so thinking about this person has been very pleasurable and I'm afraid it might be some sort of psychological escape/coping mechanism.

How do you all deal with this type of thing? I do think the feelings thst I feel for this person are real, but maybe my sense of romanticism is overblown.

Hi,

Not sure where else to turn right now with the situation I’m in so thought here might be the best place. And sorry in advance it’s a long ish one 😅.

I’m currently in a weird situation with someone who I’ve been with just over 3 weeks now and everything’s been brilliant up until the last 7/8 days.

Little bit of back story on this, myself (25M) and the girl I’ve been seeing (26F) met on hinge and instantly connected from minute 1 and things seemed to be going absolutely perfect up until last Monday 11th May. For some reason after a lovely evening together we got into a conversation about feminism (which I didn’t know she was very passionate about) and the conversation seemed to escalate to the point where what resulted from it was a small argument where she ended up walking out of my place and going home. I’ve been badly hurt by women over the years and basically used for my kindness, the job I have, the fact I live alone and emotionally abused mentally, this has shaken my trust in women until I met this girl and she was starting to re-build that trust in me until this night as it took me by surprise about how she went really defensive and turned a bit aggressive towards me through the conversation before walking out and seeming to turn her back on me completely.

She suffers with emotional dysregulation and is not medicated for it as far as I am aware and is not in any kind of therapy for it either. And following this situation that evening after she left/ the next day she asked for space so she can calm down and process. I respected her wishes and said that “I’d leave her to it and chat in a few days when she is ready”, she didn’t like that and started to turn nasty towards me saying that she meant “space physically, not space from talking as well ffs”. I tried to stay calm and collected about it rather than react nastily as she was treated very badly in her previous relationship which lasted 3.5 years.

Fast forward 2 days she had spoken to her mum and her mum was saying she was being silly and to basically sort things out and she came back and was messaging me saying she misses me, she was sorry etc etc like she was back to normal. We then agreed the next time we met up that we wouldn’t have any deep conversations and to just enjoy things and have fun. Then on Friday last week we had got back to mine after a lovely evening at a car event and spending time with her parents and she said “I’ve got something to ask you” and I said “yeah go for it” not thinking too much of it and she asks me “so why don’t you like the term Agree to Disagree? Have you had bad experiences in the past?” And I didn’t think things were too deep at this point so I answered “well yeah I have in ways because people usually don’t just agree to disagree in my life, they usually use it as leverage over me to say they’ve won the conversation or argument” and following this things seemed to go deeper and deeper which I was cautious of because of the situation previous, and before I knew it the conversation started to get too deep (at this point I didn’t realise what she was going to say next so I tried to steer the conversation onto something less deep) she was saying bits about her experience and she wanted to come to a middle ground for us with a word which helps us stop from going too deep too quick other than the term Agree to Disagree and she said “okay so I’ve had bad experiences with men before” and before she said anything else I tried to steer the conversation onto something less about men and women like the argument was on Monday by saying “okay well let’s not go down the route of men and women stuff like previously because I don’t want another argument haha” thinking it was a lighthearted comment which could help things from ending in an argument but I was wrong.

Following this comment she seemed to turn nasty again and went in a proper mood with me, went cold, silent and was saying nothing to me. She apparently was trying to open up about her past trauma with her biological dad and that I had completely shut her down and that I’d really badly hurt her. I never intended to shut her down or hurt her but I had no idea at the same time that she was going to open up to me about that as she never made that clear. She also was the one to agree on no deep convos because of how much pressure it’s putting on things, yet she instigated the deep conversation by asking me a question about my past, so that’s one thing that’s really confused me.

We went to bed that night and had cuddles and in the morning things seemed a bit better but she was off out to meet her nan so I dropped her at the station and I chilled at home. We texted all day and things seemed back to normal, I picked her up in the evening, we went to hers, had food, watched a movie and she said that “Your my favourite thing in the world” and “I love you so so so much” and we had a lovely evening together.

This is where things changed completely, because for me whenever things change last minute, or in an argument or anything like that I go quiet because for me I need to think and process stuff before I say anything because I don’t want to be irrational with what I say in the moment, it’s not me being arsey or a horrible person or trying to punish the other person it’s just my main coping mechanism so I can come back to things and say things properly with a level head. Unfortunately this is something that my other half could not understand and she saw it as what her ex did to her (he did it as punishment for her rather than in the way I do it and I have explained this to her several times).

The Sunday morning she was going out to meet a work friend for a coffee, she had said she the night before she was going out for an hour and would then come back. She asked for my permission and I said “you never have to ask for my permission I’m not controlling like that”. I assumed that she wanted me to stay with her dog and she would come back then we’d spend the rest of the day/ evening together. What she didn’t tell me was that was not her plan, she then told me as she was getting ready that I’m going with her, I was confused and said “what do you mean?” She then said that “you can just go home and then come back later”, to my brain this was a complete shock as I’ve had people do that to me before and then just boot me out, so I went quiet to try and process things without letting my emotions get the better of me which she clearly didn’t like at all.

Following this we stood outside hers and she said “well I guess I’ll see you when I see you then” we had a half arsed hug and kiss and then we both drove off and I went home. I sent a text saying “I hope you got there safely and enjoy your time out” she then responded when she was leaving saying “I’m just gonna go home and have some TLC with my dog” and from there it’s descended into her not wanting things anymore, she is apparently not ready for a relationship, she just wants to have fun in a relationship and enjoy things and this is too much and a few other reasons.

She decided to drop my bits over that day, she then arrived outside and changed it to “let’s just exchange bits and have some time apart” and when I tried to convince her outside she seemed very cold, very emotionless towards me and had not much to say. I said that I don’t want things to be thrown away so quick and “I know you won’t say it back but I love you” to which she replied back “I love you too, it’s not you but this is too much right now and that we can be friends or something” and that she “doesn’t want to drag me down with her as she doesn’t know who she is at the minute”.

Since Sunday afternoon she hasn’t messaged me, called me or anything, she left the nicknames we set for each other on instagram DM’s and hasn’t changed it, she has left her location on for me and not removed me from any of her social media’s, which is confusing the hell out of me. I had a feeling about something as we met on hinge so I re-downloaded it to check her profile and she has updated 2 of her photos on there with 1 she took in my flat of herself and the other one was a picture I took of her at the birthday meal I booked for her (both those photos were taken less than a week before she did this to me so i know she has changed them recently I just don’t know when).

I have treated her exactly how she wanted to as well, I made her a homemade card for her birthday, got her a unique custom gift for her, brought her flowers, was there through the dysregulation episodes she had in the time we’ve been together, cooked her meals, took her out for her birthday and even her mum loves the way I’ve treated her as she has told me face to face. So I can’t wrap my head around what I’ve done wrong to cause this.

Any advise on this situation would be great as my head is all over the place right now and I want to believe the nice things she has said to me since we’ve been together but she now does this and I don’t really know what I’ve done wrong or what to expect next!

Thanks!

So I’ve been dating my bf for a year with ADHD. Like at the beginning, we were cooking food together, cafe dates etc he even got me a gift for being together for 3 and 6 months.

For context, he went through a lot, so his parents who he used to live with was abusive; and he left the house and made himself homeless for 6 months before finding social housing (his family willingly allowed him to stay homeless) and I was living with my folks at the time and since we hadn’t been together for that long they only allowed him to stay once a week if that.

Now we’re living together, I feel like it’s gone down hill. I told him I didntt want to move in with him if I was going to be left doing everything, working (I have 2 jobs) cooking and cleaning picking up after him, and now I’m going back into education. And I’m doing exactly that. He forgot our 1 year anniversary even tho I wrote it in the white board and reminded him 3 days before - he got upset for forgetting but how can you celebrate 3 months but not a year. On new year (he’s very big or so I thought of main events) we planned to go to my folks house and he just stayed at home smoking weed 👍.

He tells me please don’t out my clothes away I want to do it and it’s apart of my ADHD so I got a basket…. Which never gets emptied and clothes get thrown around. I ask him to clean, he has to clean on his terms when he’s “in the mood”. His dad when he lived with them always said no smoking weed and was very stern about that, so he only smoked once before bed, now he smokes all the time, almost spends over £150 on it if not more a month despite being on ADHD medication.

We used to work together before he got a new job, and everyone in work always talks about his struggles with ADHD, his mothers suspected I was “starving him” when I actually said to him we’re doing our own laundry and cooking from now on as I felt it was always me, and he didn’t eat for 3 days 🙄- no one ever talks about the burnt out partner to someone with ADHD and in goijg back into education soon and I just don’t think I’ll cope with it very well. He’s a nice person, but an absolute slob, he’s said he wants to go back into education, but when asked “got bags of time, can apply in September” stopped looking after himself, (used to go to the gym almost everyday). I just feel like the novelty of having a gf has worn off now and that he’s just a child now, working, then come home and smoke a shit ton of weed and mong out in the couch and gorge on shit.

I just don’t know what to do tbh, I’ve had conversations with him, I adapted to getting a white board, reminding him but I’m getting more burnout and I just think in the future if I stay and we have a kid (not rn ) I’m just like wtf would I want that stress when I’m getting stress now. I just feel like he makes my life harder - he’s incredibly shit with money so I have to pay for things or lend him money which is uncomfortable in itself. It almost feels like I’m giving literally everything and in return he’s giving me the bare minimum as in just being nice to me.

He almost can’t live without weed which for more context he is in pain, but I often question whether that his get out of jail free card. I told him I don’t have a problem only if you’re not doing it before work (8am) so what does he do… he gets up from sleeping on the couch at 4am, smokes a joint and then goes to work 4 hours later. He went to therapy a few times and stopped but still persisted to smoke more weed. I like to travel and I told him if he can’t afford it I’ll go in my own, he spends his money on absolute shit, I want to buy a house one day and he just only thinks about the now and never the future.

When I’ve asked about cutting back on the weed “it’s not that easy” …. And said if I give him an ultimatum it’s going to be weed cos he “needs it”. He always says I’m a “clean freak, but we found 1 mouse in the flat and ever since I have been wanting the flat to be clean, rightly so, but I’m not mad on cleaning, I just like to come home to no coffee grounds spread across the counter, fried chicken left on the plate, bins overflowing and clothes not all over the bedroom.

It’s so frustrating because he makes up rules for his adhd but actually never does them. And I know a few people who dated someone with adhd and felt the same thing and just left. He’s a nice guy, truly, but I’m also not his mother. I’ve read and listened to podcasts about ADHD and I can be empathetic that it can be a burden but so is dealing with it. He’s terrible at emotionally regulating himself, always forgetting stuff but if I forget all of a sudden is a knife to the heart. It’s impossible standards.

Why does it feel like dating someone with ADHD is like chasing an ex, their behaviours seems manipulative - not all Ofcourse but it definitely feels that way. “Don’t clean I’ll clean later” (4 hours later)

I audhd (34f) and adhd (34m) are basically at our breaking point after three years. We are both medicated mind you. To resolve any conflict is next to impossible there is LITERALLY no way to avoid his rejection sensitivity and Defensiveness that turns to blame shifting and deflecting. I cannot ever express how I feel towards anything. What does that turn me into? The one resenting him for emotionally invalidating me for three years, I get its rooted in shame, embarassment, etc. but even I with my stack could alter the way I go about things if it impacted my partner to the degree it has me. Ive been the classic analysist trying to fix this, save this..which has now got me worn down to the person that's the anti of that. I've just shut down towards him, emotionally, physically. As I write this I am on the couch and he is in the bedroom. This morning he EXPLODED because I did not wake him up for work, which I thought as of last saturday, he was done with the shutdown he was working. He never communicated that with me, and then proceeds to blow up. Hes an adult, who knows his schedule, with an alarm, that's not my job. Do you think there was any accountability or apology? Nope. The anger that leads to blurting out things he cannot ever take back now, repetitively, over three years and the hollow or non-existent apologies that follow mean nothing at this point. His lack of a routine, inability to follow through, forgetfulness, etc. is hard to deal with as someone that has found relief in my diagnoses and life with having worked hard to establish that. I'm sick of the expectation that I have to remind him, like a child. This is like a cummulative buildup of mistrust, resentment, hurt, lack of communication, and emotional burnout. Couples counseling is not an option, he doesn't see it as anything but a waste of money. So effective communication seems impossible. Am I wrong for wanting to be done here?

I'd like to ask for some thoughts and opinions on something.

If someone hurt you. And they recognized that they were hurting you, but they felt powerless and ashamed. Because they were trying their best, and their best wasn't enough. They didn't have the tools. They lacked the understanding necessary. They were stuck in old habits and patterns. And they closed up. And they left. And disappeared. Closing the door.

And after a time, they gained the tools and understanding. They did the hard work to be better. And they wanted to apologize. But you needed to let go and move on. And you closed your door.

Would you still want that apology? Would it do anything? It would obviously do something for them. For their guilt and their grief. But what about you?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. Everything was amazing at first but lately I have been feeling lonely even in his presence. I’ve done some research and believe what I am feeling is emotional disconnect. What I crave is to be seen and taken care of but he is very adamant that if I want something, I must ask for it. Example: I woke up one morning feeling very lonely and sad. He said he could tell something was wrong, that I was off. And I asked him: “ if you could tell that was feeling off or low, why didn’t you offer me any comfort, like a hug?” He replied that he just didn’t think of it. I asked him if it was ok for me to ask him to think of it of it next time he noticed that I was struggling. He told me I was not allowed to ask that of him as I do not get to control his thoughts, which wasn’t my intention.

Everytime I try to talk about what I’m feeling with him, he takes it as an attack, and he gets super defensive and makes me feel like what I am feeling is not correct or valid. He questions everything and asks for examples and definitions and it turns into what feels like an interrogation. And he often accuses me of manipulating him when I’m just trying to communicate. I’m no longer comfortable talking to him about feelings or emotions.

We’ve been to couples therapy and things improved for a while but now everything seems to be falling part.

What I want is to be seen and taken care of, emotionally, and when I told him what I wanted or needed he just shot me down. Am I asking for too much? Is it unreasonable for me to want a partner who is aware of my feelings and needs without me always having to express them?

TL;DR: I’m asking my husband for emotional support and awareness, and to be thought of, and he makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and asking for too much.

Hey, 22m broke up with my 36m bf and we both have adhd. He lacks accountability and I got too much of it. Definitely push pull but I’m the first boyfriend he’s had in 14 years lmao. I loved him deeply but his lack of accountability bothered me, so whenever he said somethin I corrected him or didn’t continue the convo if he lacked accountability. He started shutting down. Is he a lost cause cause I broke up

My bf (41) just broke up with me (f43) a few days ago and I can’t even be mad at him. His main reasoning…well, only reason honestly, is my lack of consistency. The only thing I’m consistent at is being inconsistent. I am medicated for my adhd as well as for depression, anxiety and OCD, but my adhd still chews me up and spits me out every single day. My executive functioning is nearly nonexistent. When I do start something I can only stick to it for a few days at most before I completely stop. He pointed out that I live in a box by my own choosing and he really isn’t wrong. I keep myself in the box because I can’t stay consistent enough to be outside of it. Does anyone else have any experience with this? Any tips? ANYTHING?

My fiance , 36m n dx, and I have been on thin ice for 5 months. I initially broke up with him near the turn of the year, then researched adhd and we agreed this is his issue and he needs diagnosis, so i put him on "probation " and applied for some apartments just in case this was an empty promise of forward movement.He kicked the can down the road guy for a while, and ive had to deal with his disregulation in the meantime. Tonight was the end. Id slept in our sunroom for a week because I was disgusted by his outbursts, and we had been living as roommates. He did something disrespectful, and i asked would he be ok if a man did that to his daughter. He stood there for a bit, thought about it, and said " actually yea, id be ok with that ." Idc WHAT neurodivergence he has, teaching your daughter tolerance of disrespect from men is a hard pass for me. So I let him know aint no reconciliation possible, confirmed and accepted one of those apartments, removed him from my credit cards authorization,let his family AND babymomma know we are done-zo, and will ride this out til move-in. His reaction?

He took a bikeride, came in to watch sports, smoked a joint by the pool, drank some wine, and is now watching sci-fi loudly. He isn't phased at all.

I know they get stubborn, but this is remarkable to me. Blow-up-your-life stubborn.

For those of you who have left an ADHD partner, how did they react?

My husband (ADHD diagnosed, possible RSD/emotional dysregulation) and I are currently separated after a decade together and I genuinely don’t know if what we’re dealing with is ADHD shutdown, attachment trauma, emotional abuse patterns, or simply years of unresolved hurt.

For a long time I was actually the one asking for divorce because I felt emotionally unsafe, disconnected and overwhelmed in the marriage. But recently I had a genuine change of heart and wanted to try to repair things and approach things differently.

The problem is that whenever conflict happens, my husband tends to become very black-and-white in his thinking. He often says everything is my fault, that I have no emotional intelligence/empathy, and struggles to take accountability for his own behaviour because he feels his ADHD made him unable to control it. At times he says he wants the marriage to work and wants counselling, and other times he completely shuts down, blocks me, accuses me of manipulating the kids, or says he needs to protect himself from me.

There’s also a very strong push-pull dynamic. One moment he says he never wants this marriage again, the next he’s complimenting me, asking to talk, wanting family dinners, coffee etc. It’s emotionally exhausting and confusing.

A family member recently spoke to him and he apparently said he IS willing to reflect/change if someone can clearly explain where he went wrong and give him an “action plan,” and he’s still open to couples counselling. However, he says he can’t afford counselling and seems to expect me to pay for it, despite also believing I’m the cause of most of the problems.

For those with ADHD or partners with ADHD:

- Does this sound familiar to you?

- Can ADHD/RSD genuinely make someone struggle THIS much with accountability and emotional regulation?

- Has anyone successfully rebuilt a marriage where one partner initially blamed the other for almost everything?

- Does this sound more like disorganised attachment than ADHD itself?

I’m trying really hard to stay compassionate while also protecting my own mental health and the kids emotionally. I honestly don’t know whether to hold onto hope or accept that love alone isn’t enough.

A few days ago I posted about my (28F) breakup with my (29 M, dx, unmedicated) boyfriend. I shared a few of my experiences in the post and several of you told me that what I was describing did not seem like just ADHD. I won’t lie these last few days have been absolutely brutal for me. My emotions are up and down. And it’s taking EVERYTHING in me not to reach out to him.

Some updates:
I was extremely confused at the fact that my boyfriend had ADHD and was seeing a therapist but didn’t really know how it affected him outside of his executive functioning. He knew nothing about RSD and seemed to not know that his ADHD could impact his emotional regulation (or lack thereof). I spent the majority of our relationship being blamed for his anxiety and his rather large emotional reactions. He said he had never had these reactions with anyone else and that I had made his anxiety the worst it had been in years. I obviously internalized all of this and felt really bad about myself and the effect that I was having on him. Fast forward to towards the end of our relationship, I stumbled across a TikTok about RSD and fell into that rabbit hole which seemed to make everything click in my head.

Well I just looked up the “therapist” he told me he had been speaking to weekly and it turns out he’s not even licensed or went to school. He’s some sort of life coach/DJ. Here I was thinking that he was taking the steps necessary to address his ADHD with a licensed professional and it doesn’t seem like he is.

I scheduled a session this week with a therapist who kind of specialized in ADHD. I walked he through my relationship and she said that it didn’t seem like he had a personality disorder in addition to the ADHD.

All of this really shattered my world. My hope was that with space and time away from each other we could start to heal. I could develop the skills and knowledge necessary to accommodate him (but not betray myself) and he would start to have serious conversations with his therapist about how his ADHD played a role in our relationship. Now it just feels like there is no hope. I am so so so sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi! My partner (pronouns are they/them) has AUDHD and has a very messy house, we don't live together and have only been going our for about 7 months but I really want to help them out with tidying as I know they struggle with it,

They have a housemate who I'm friends with and has asked me several times to help with cleaning their house,

I also have ADHD but really enjoy cleaning especially if it's someone else's house,

Me and my partner have talked about it a bit and I think they are mostly okay with it but it's hard to tell if they are being fully truthful as they do struggle to accept help from others and when I've thought about it I think it would throw me off a bit if I got home and someone had just cleaned my house for me

I suppose there's potentially an element of shame involved cause being messy is seen as bad but for us neurodivergent people it's a very normal thing and I have seen things about how other neurodivergent/disabled people do help eachother out by doing eachothers chores,

Do you guys thinks it's a good or a bad thing? Or maybe more complicated? Idk give me your thoughts :)

dx, 16 and have adhd and im a male.

ive been working my ass off, searching for tips and information on reddit about tips to start studying with adhd because i procastine too much and do everything at 2 am. its really taken a toll on my health.

Why is this subreddit filled with people leaving their husbands with adhd? and everyone is supporting it.

it kinda scares me

is adhd a red flag or something?

if you have tips for me in future dating. because im gonna ask a girl out next year after colleges come out and shit, im trying to become a psychiatrist one day.

if this girl ends up going to a college in my state, il ask her out and hopefully shel become my girl friend one day.

I would love to hear what these men that you guys are leaving did. and im gonna do my best to become like them.

I didnt really see anything about adhd in women partners so far.

im gonna try to study :/

​

To explain, I (26M) have been texting a woman (31F) with ADHD for the past 2 month and a half and we have our first meetup soon on the 23rd. When we first started texting, it was a tad rough for me cause, I couldnt understand her texting behavior, as at first, she'd only reply to my messages at inconsistent timings, sometimes hours after I messaged her. I first thought, it was due to a lack of interest which was odd cuz I recently asked her if she'd like to meetup at an animecon in a month, to which she said yeah but after asking her she revealed that its cuz her ADHD tends to mess with her timing of replying to messages.

After she told me and I stated I understood (and looked a bit more into it so as I could accommodate her as best as I could) , it felt like she was happy with it and opened up much more. She'd initiate texts with me every other day, share what she's doing even down to mundane stuff, stuff she likes sexually, explain the intricacies of her hobbies, posting like when she's 3d printing stuff or even the code she'd write. Even in the middle of the night, she'd hit me up just to chat. Granted her reply time was still inconsistent, but I didn't really mind cuz it was an ok pattern, and I did understand that a combination of her being busy irl and her adhd made it difficult and I was ok with waiting as she showed she was interested in me. I even asked if she'd like to get some coffee together at the con with me paying, to which she replied with the (\*\*👀\*\*) emoji, seemingly interested. So yeah it was pretty great at the time.

A few weeks after that period, she suddenly stopped initiating convos. At first I didn't mind, but then 3 days went on, and she seemed very quiet even on her social media. I decided to withdraw a bit, thinking maybe somn happened behind the scenes. She did get back to me a couple of days later, and it felt like nothing much changed. She told me about a place she'd like me to visit and check out, which I did, and she seemed very happy and even more engaged than before the break! Talked alot more than usual during that week, even sent me sexual flirty meme (which TBF I acknowledged as flirty a tad too late).

After that meme, 9 days now...she hasn't initiated text again. I thought maybe its like last time, but she's posted on social media twice now. I do still text with her and when I do, it doesn't feel like she's not putting in effort in the conversation. She still sends me photos of what she's working on and tells me what shes up to, asks about my day and comments on what I do. Our last convo 3 days ago was after I saw her post an image of herself on twitter, I DMed her that I found it super sexy. She disclaimed that it was a year ago when she had less weight, to which I said, I still find her hot, to which she reacted with a white heart, told me she was sleepy cuz she pulled an all-nighter, but still she proceeded to ask about my day and talked a bit before she slept off. So far, she hasn't sent a text to me afterwards 3 days later.

Is this an ADHD issue or just regular lose of interest? Should I bring this up to her? Dont get me wrong, if its an ADHD thing, Im legit willing to accommodate and work it out with her. Just wanna know if its that or just loss of interest and I should stop bugging her.