I was with my fiancee for over 8 years. A beautiful, loving, blissful relationship. We had pets, a home, a life… those 8 years will forever be the best parts of my life. I proposed to her last Christmas, I hid the ring in the tree… I still have the video I took that day when I hid my phone where she wouldn’t see it…

A few months ago, I became friends with someone who I played games with online, and her and I just bonded immediately. My brain started frantically trying to figure out what was going on. Was I in love? Did I not love my fiancee anymore? Was I just stuck? My brain made me feel all these different types of emotions, and it led me to believe that I was no longer in love with my fiancee…. And I left. I realized I was emotionally cheating, and I left.

After about a month, everything started to become clearer to me. Like the facade lifted, the fog cleared… and I was left with this absolute horrible feeling in my stomach … I knew I messed up. But what type of shitty man am I to be the exact embodiment of “I didn’t know what I had until I lost her” — because I did know what I had. I had something fucking beautiful. Something kind, warm, safe… and my brain saw something new and went, “oooohh, shiny!”.

Now, I’m sitting on my bedroom floor, every night, trying to piece together how I could let my brain trick me? How could I believe it? Why would it do something like that when we were already so fucking happy?

Have yall heard of Limerence? I would highly suggest looking into it if you have severe ADHD and find yourself “fixating” on things for a short period of time, just for a quick “dopamine spike”, and you won’t even know it. You’ll believe it’s the real thing… that what you’re feeling is forever. But it’s not, it’s a facade. A trick. And it’s something I wish I knew about beforehand, because if I knew more, I could’ve taken its power away. I would’ve recognized those chemical spikes in my head as my ADHD brain craving dopamine… because for the last 8 years, I was in a comfortable relationship, and my brain thought “comfortable”, meant “bored”. If I had just known, if I had just taken it seriously and stayed medicated … I would be lying next to her in the bedroom we shared for almost a decade … and instead, I’m sleeping alone.

I just need some guidance, advice, and to maybe see how others have dealt with this if it has ever occurred? Am I crazy? Or is this something that ADHD plays a huge part in?

my bf was never taught any coping mechanisms and his family still enables him constantly. He had addiction issues and still does that he blames on him being pumped full of adhd medication at a young age. He doesn’t know how to properly clean up after himself. He is a mess and constantly makes my house a mess the second he opens the door. His family just enables him by cleaning up after him.

He constantly spends money on random crap then whines about having no money. He’s a compulsive liar

He also can’t do a basic task. I asked him to feed my cats and one has to take medicine once in the mornings and once at night (which is the most important task because my grandma is allergic and can’t help give him the medicine but can help with feeding) and he made up his own timing for the medicine based on me saying he has to be at my house before 6 because my grandma sleeps then, meanwhile i said morning and night.

My husband (32) is undergoing assessment for adhd and I do believe he is on the path to dx hence my post. For context, we have been together for 7 years and have a 5 week old baby. We have lived together for roughly 6 years now. I love him but I find his behaviour very challenging and am at a loss trying to understand it.

He is a very charming, golden retriever like character. He is popular and sociable. We work together and he has a good reputation there - albeit he is known to be slightly forgetful, impulsive and chaotic at times. Where he is in sales I wouldn’t say he’s majorly disadvantaged by this as he’s really good at what he does and if anything, he is known to be a bit eccentric and interesting.

At home, I seem to get the worst of his personality traits. He is forgetful, impulsive and feels like another dependent at times. He is often very selfish and inconsiderate. This has led him to consider an adhd diagnosis due to arguments indoors on these topics but isn’t the biggest challenge I have.

I am not sure whether I’m naive thinking the following are possible adhd symptoms in him or whether it could just be him/his feelings towards me coming to light. He can be very self-centred and blissfully ignorant of what is going on around him unless he is hyper-fixated on a particular thing. He will talk at speed/length and will react physically - digging his fingernails in me, prodding me or grabbing my knee - if I don’t respond quick enough or give him a response he doesn’t like about said topic of the moment.

I believe he often tries to ‘ragebait’ or get a reaction out of me - sometimes using the above tactics or constantly repeating a question or statement until I snap. Some of the worst examples I have of him trying to get a reaction out of me include him pretending he was going to push me down the stairs when I was pregnant and generally trying to physically intimidate me - holding a butter knife towards me like he was going to stab me. I genuinely think he gets a thrill out of it. At times it feels like I’m dealing with a small child that’s 6ft and lashes out of impulse/failure to regulate his emotions. He is great with our daughter, thankfully.

Sometimes I do react back if it hurts or I feel frustrated by his actions. I honestly don’t know how it’s gotten to this point as we’re both adults in an otherwise relatively normal relationship with a nice house, stable jobs and a baby.

He also often says very unnecessarily hurtful things and genuinely lacks empathy towards me. I had a c section 5 weeks ago and he called me helpless when I asked him to pass me something mid-breastfeeding when I couldn’t reach it. He will often say I’m being too sensitive or can’t take a joke. It comes across as malice/disdain towards me. Am I kidding myself thinking that he can’t control his tongue at times and it’s impulsive behaviour that is driven by adhd? He assures me he loves me and looks surprised if I say I’m upset/question his feelings towards me. He buys me lovely gifts and I think that’s his way of justifying that he shows me he loves me.

I guess I’m hoping to understand what could be explained by possible adhd or whether I’m just being naive and it’s likely to be something else entirely I.e feelings towards me/other behaviour traits.

had another argument with my boyfriend (29). about the same thing.

there’s this one thing I ask him for, for MONTHS.

”my brain don’t work like that. I forget”

and apparently I am nagging him about that one simple thing.

what I ask of him: after you finish showering - put the shower head down. its high and inconvenient to put it down”

I wrote on tiles with pencil to remind him, drew arrows and still - nope.

promised he won’t even touch it anymore - three days in a row - forgot and left it up.

i begged to put it down, two people out of three in this apartment need it lower. It’s inconvenient for me (short person) to get in the bath, grab it and put it lower.

no - „my brain don’t work like that, I forget.

and he said I’m giving him shit cause I nag him about it.

I tell him he’s not considerate of me and my daughter, he said it has nothing to do with consideration , he just can’t remember to put it down. I said I’m begging for months!!! at this point it’s disrespectful if I ask every day and he still fails to do so. that one little thing shouldnt mean so much to me but it does.

he walked back in the room from the balcony where we argued and send me a WhatsApp messag:

”Things you nag about

Shower head

Not shutting front door fully

Forgetting my towel

Letting doors slam

Leaving toothbrush on the bath

Not shutting curtains when it's hot

Leaving tissue around

I'm sure there's more. You nag about a lot of things.”

to what I replied:

”Fine.

Leave the door open, if anyone robs me - fuck it.

Forget your towel and dry yourself with air.

Let the doors slam and brake even. Who cares, it’s my deposit that will be affected.

Toothbrush - I asked about it once as it’s in dust, but if you like it - your choice.

Curtains? You’re right, why wouldn’t we be happy to boil in the apartment during heatwaves - it’s lovely to sweat like a motherfucker in the room.

Tissues? If my dog chockes on your nose liquid- who cares. It’s just a dog.

How dare i have something to say about safety, comfort, flat condition or bacteria’s on your toothbrush - clearly I’m mental.

I will NEVER say anything anymore about anything at all. You may now live in peace.”

penny for your thought.

Me 19F and my bf 22M adhd medicated are in a long distance relationship for about a year now, we are both medical students so life gets busy and we only meet once a year because of long distances.
I always has a problem with him disappearing and not replying to me for at least 2 weeks every now and then, then continue to talk like normal he say he gets busy with school, work ect. And that he have very bad object permeability, he always apologizes that he hurt me and say he’s sorry for moments that he makes me feel unappreciated, We tried to fixed it be setting an alarm to remind him to text me and that worked for a month but then the pattern returned, last time I confronted him about it again he told me that this is his curse, and it’s a problem with him and not about how much he cares about me.

I want to know if it’s a symptom of adhd that he can’t change or just a personality trait of him, especially that we are planning to get engaged and move in together and he tells me that this will solve the problem.

+ how can I accept the out of sight out of mind without taking it personally

Okey. So I have been diagnosed for adhd about two years ago. Since then I've gone through a lot, mentally and physically. Even had a baby and switched jobs. I've been together with my boyfriend for almost 20 years. Ups and downs ofcourse.

Since I started to suspect adhd in myself, I think I started changing. My mask started to crack, I guess. This has been very hard on our relationship. Now I feel like I changed myself for him too much all those years, for everyone really. And I can't do it anymore, I don't want to.

We have two kids together. A house, family and friends that know each other very well and hang out together. Our lives are intertwined completely. And I really love him too. But.. there is a nagging in my body.

He likes going to music- performances with loud music. I freeze and am in pain there, my ears hurt. I like walking in nature, beautiful hikes. No people around me. He only walkes to the nearest café, preferably one with a lot of folks he knows. He loves smalltalk, I dread it. I love watching movies, comfy together. He falls asleep. He loves cooking new things, I hate tasting new things and can even forget about eating at all. ​He wants security and luxury, I want adventure or novelty.

Name a thing, anything, and we are opposites. And I hate it, I hate not being able to do things together without discussing.. or me giving into his needs and wants. I feel lonely, misunderstood. I tried explaining, tried finding common ground. But he just says he doesn't like the 'new me'. Although for me. .. this is the real me.. so it really hurts when he says that.

I know taking of my mask is a great risk. It's why I had to change jobs. I lost friends too. People actually got mad at me for finally being me. But losing my family.. I don't know. I don't want to lose them..

What would you do?

Dx

I (40s) have severe diagnosed ADHD. My partner has been trying to help, but sometimes I feel like we’re literally speaking different languages. I feel like they treat me like a child, while I am an adult with a disability. Two very different things.

For example, one point that drives me up a wall is:

In the morning or evenings, all my “systems” are down, and I really struggle with self discipline. I have a phone cage, but putting the phone into the cage is the step I falter on. I’ve asked them to help, they agreed. I told them that if they agreed to help, and I was also happy if they didn’t, it was their responsibility to help me with the phone, every night. All they have to do is, at any point after 9 pm, tell me “give me your phone”. I might take a second to obey and they have to repeat the request once, but not more than that. I will give them my phone, they put it in the lock box, set the alarm, done.

What happens is:

- they do it maybe twice a week
- they ASK me “do you want to put your phone away?”
- they often comment on “normal people don’t stay up all night”
- if it takes me more than a moment to give it to them, they grumble

I tried to explain why this is not helpful… but it really doesn’t seem to connect.

Are there any resources a person without ADHD can read that will make it click for them?

Me and my ex partner split up a a few weeks ago and I left as she packed up all my things after an argument. It’s not the first time she’s done this as she can’t have an argument or conversation, she gets overwhelmed and shouts and swears and asks me to leave or packs my things. We were together 4 years and in that time she’s packed my things like 5 times.

She has said some horrible things over the years, like if she says something really bad I’ll go, it’s like self sabotage. She has ADHD but self diagnosed, refuses to get a proper diagnosis or try meds. She spends a lot of time off work and isolated. Like she’s scared of the world.

I’m just wondering if I should reach out to her? I worry about her mental health and what she might do. She’s turned so cold and horrible even after everything I’ve done for her. Should I message or call? Or just leave it alone?

Is infatuation/cheating common for ADHD people?I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. In the course of our relationship there was a moment where he had a crush on his manager. I saw him constantly looking at her social media pages. And he would tell me certain conversations they would have where she said he was funny and he seemed really happy about it. At a certain point I confronted him and told him that clearly a crush is happening and he needs to create distance. He claimed he would stop doing what he was doing. Well all he did was get more sneakier looking at her social media photos. He was also making notes of moments where she looked at him and smiled basically signs that showed that she was interested in him too. It all came to a head when I went in his phone and saw he told chatGPT and he wanted to fuck his manager but he's in a relationship. When the app told him not to do it and think about our relationship he dismissed it and told the app he was going to do it anyway. They had a back and forth about it before he finally agreed that it was wrong and he would like feedback for why he shouldn't cheat on me. I confronted him about it and kicked him out the house. He swears that he was sorry and that he was just chasing dopamine off the fantasy and had no intentions of physically cheating. He's blaming his ADHD for his behaviour. Should I believe him?

Hey. Venting and wondering if it's common here or not.

So I'm an INTP man (25yo) with diagnosed ADHD + GAD and undiagnosed but probable OCD. And I finally caught on to a dating pattern that I have, whether in person or even online and whether serious or casual where in the past 10 years of my life, every girl or woman I got close with all had some sort of personality disorder and not a single one was simply just a condition like autistic or also ADHD or even a neurotypical for example.

From my first official girlfriend back in 2015-2016, she had lots of issues. Psychosis being one of the many in her cocktail. I had taken it upon myself to handle her mental state. To the point where I didn't know what to do anymore for her self harm so I did it to myself in turn so that she'd stop. (Typical naive teenage boyfriend love right there)

One girl who followed was lightly autistic and anxious but amazing. She was my best friend for many years even though she had additionally developed DID which I made a lot of effort to help her with including grounding techniques and making set schedules for her alters, time for the body to rest, etc. I tried to find ways to make them get along with each other. I even took and genuinely saw her 'little' alter like my own daughter.

My latest ex, just to mention some, isn't diagnosed but she's definitely something in the cluster B types.

And the most prominent in my pattern being; girls with BPD.

I just feel emotionally exhausted at this point. Absorbing all those issues for them over the years and being the one in the crossfire. I often tend to keep them around as FWBs depending on how it ended but it usually ends quite toxic there too.

It's to a point now where even my family can truthfully joke around that "Well, if she likes you then something's wrong with her!". And that's what made me finally realize it. I really do have a pattern of like 100% rate in the past 10 years.

And I just don't get it. All I've ever wanted since childhood was a real, simple life partner. Just one that I can make smile and laugh and share our hobbies with each other. I just want to take care of someone that chooses me the same way too.

Instead I only find the opposite side. I don't feel like I have 'bedroom personality' (psy-dom) leakage or anything unless I get intimate with someone so why am I only attracting the opposite kind?

Alas, I took a break from dating anyone new for like 6 months until the summer arrived. Reconnected with a girl I knew from highschool who had a crush on me our freshman year and whom I had taken as my prom date our senior year. I didn't realize that she had moved 8 hours away but she came by to hangout with me anyway for 3 days. Turned out she's BPD. So I took a break from dating anyone new for a year since then up to now where I decided to test the waters once more.

I just started trying my hand at online dating. My profile was simple: pics of me, stated my intent, what I wanted and some of my hobbies. No bedroom talk or advertising, nothing close to that.

Met a nice girl there the next day after I made my account. She lived 2 hours away from me but said that she wanted the same things as me. She matched my style and we had great chemistry even through text and when we met in real life so we quickly planned a date the following weekend where I drove to her. Though she seemed a little obsessed with me from the get-go in person but I find those quirks cute. I kept teasing and reassuring her over our 5 hour date which was escalating very quickly now that I think about it but all I saw was intent and chemistry. She spoke about how she'd love to come spend time with me in my city too, to be a part of my hobbies with me. It felt like fireworks.

Turns out she's another BPD and this time an alcoholic too. All that chemistry, intensity and future talking and she simply BPD split on me the next morning. And now I just want to give up. Don't get me wrong, she was great but just... obviously not in a position for long term intent.

I've always known what I wanted. My intent was always there. I just want someone where we can choose each other every single day even when we're old. I've always tried to make it work. But no matter where I go or what I try, I'm always with personality disorder types that just honestly say they want something serious for the long term but in reality; don't.

Why is this happening? Am I somehow attracting them? Are they subconsciously attracting me?

Please help me understand why my partner needs time away from me, I am just trying to understand it. I would never deny him of his alone time.

I (28F AuDHD) would like it if someone could try and explain to me why I shouldn't take my partner's (29M ADHD) desire for alone time personally. He has explained it as best as he could but he is not very articulate when it comes to explaining his feelings. I am having a hard time understanding this one, despite it being completely normal.

I love being around him all the time, I don't like being away from him or being in a different room for too long (over an hour). I know this sounds very unhealthy on my part, but I just don't see the joy in being alone in a room. Why be alone when you can be doing your hobbies together in silence? What is the difference? I don't quite understand it. If he is playing Playstation, watching a movie or reading a book, and I am sitting quietly in the corner on my phone, how does it differ to me not being there? How does my presence throw the vibe off so much that you need to be in another room entirely? I just cannot make logical sense of this and I'm really struggling not to take it personally.

I find body doubling to be extremely effective and so does he to a degree, but not like me. I feel numb when I am alone, like I can't move or do anything properly. I feel crushed by the weight of my responsibilities and thoughts, and when he enters the room, they all vanish and I can be happy and warm again. I know this is not his burden to bear, obviously, I just feel sad that he doesn't see me in a similar light. That I am something that needs escaping rather than the thing to escape to, which is the case for me.

I guess I am struggling to understand how the alone time he gets when he is working from home and I am at work and the few hours in the morning when I sleep in aren't enough alone time. I don't really understand why he needs to be alone to read or write or game when I am not engaging with him.

I'm having a very hard time trying not to feel utterly rejected, where he charges me, I drain him. I am aware this is a me issue and alone time is normal, I am aware this is a pretty toxic perspective. I feel a bit crazy like the girl in Obsession, but I just can't rationalize it to myself.

I give him the space he asks for and I wouldnt deny him of that, I just would really appreciate it if someone could explain it to me in a way that doesn't make me feel like the problem.

I just feel like the person you love should be the exception, as it is the case for me. And I cannot see why me simply existing in the room negates the calmness/recharge, as there is nothing he couldn't do or say in front of me.

I guess my struggle is coming from the fact that I thought if I made a safe enough space for him, he would feel comfortable and happy being himself. I'm having a hard time understanding why I need to not be there for him to be able to recharge :(

I just don't want to be sad about it anymore.

37 [M] with ADHD, my SO will often speak down to me like I’m a child when they want to bring something to my attention. It often involves simple household tasks or other simple activities I might over look.

It’s so frustrating, often time my only motivation for doing things so to avoid these conversations. Whenever I tell my SO to treat me like an adult they double down. In the past I’ve responded angrily but I’m given up and just ignore their rebuttals.

It really hurts my feelings when this happens. I don’t know how to respond or handle them.

Just as a starter, this comes after some good advice gained from my previous posts.

This if ur interested-> https://www.reddit.com/r/marriageadvice/comments/1ukn58p/comment/ov0j90t/?context=1&screen_view_count=2

I want to start the conversation with my husband that I don't feel heard in our relationship. We both have a problem with interrupting when ppl are talking. I've been trying hard to work on it. But I've talked to other adhd'ers and they also say they have a hard time not interrupting.

But the difference between me and him is that I almost always apologize and then ask him to finish what he was saying. He, however, doesn't apologize and I wind up biting my tongue (quite literally). And I don't think he sees that extra effort from my end.

I also try to start serious conversations with niceness and kindness.

I.e. "I have to talk to you about something serious, but before we start, I love you very much and I'm going to try to stay as calm as possible during this"

It seems like he very VERY rarely ever starts deep conversations and if he does start it, he doesn't seem to start it in the same way.

I don't know how to even start the conversation. I want to tell him how stressed out I am. How I don't feel like his life partner. I moreso feel like "the help" of old. I do the chores. I take care of the dogs and our baby. I almost always have a smile on my face and food to fill his belly. What else can I do?! Idk how to say it respectfully. So if I could get some help trying to find a way to say it that'd be great.

Tl;dr : I need help trying to find a respectful way to tell my husband how I'm feeling without him feeling attacked or made to feel less than.

Does anyone else have this dynamic at home? I have struggled with ADHD my whole life. It’s impacted so many life and I’ve learned with time the systems that work for me at home, at work, with family and friends, and I implement them daily. I’m actually quite proud of the progress I’ve made. I got married a couple years ago and I suspect my husband is OCD (possibly spectrum as well). Disorder in any capacity, and I’m even talking water drops around the sink send him into a frenzy. Dishes need to be cleaned immediately (even before we eat), dishes need to be put away as soon as the dishwasher finishes, cabinets should not be left open, pots or pans should be washed as soon as we are done using them, doors need to be locked properly, the list goes on and on. When I realized these things gave him anxiety I started working on my empathy for his situation and tried to adjust my behaviors to be more comfortable for him as well but it’s coming to an impasse. He’s hyper critical of how I do things, often connects it to flaws in my character when I’ve told him so many times, this is part of my ADHD. I work on it but truly the standard you have is not something I can meet every day. I started a new job the other day and he was complaining about needing to swiffer the floors, I told him why don’t you do it while I’m at work (I’m often the one to do it since I was home a lot before) and I’ll mop when I’m home or on the weekend when there’s more time. You can tell he needs it to be done NOW. And honestly when I’m planning for something new like a new job, I need to focus on that thing, remember to fill out this form, bring my ID, get properly dressed, hair and makeup, etc. all these things take a lot of mental space for me so adding things like the floor needing to be cleaned feels frivolous to me. I also don’t quite understand it because as someone who struggles with anxiety myself around germs and medical things, I never impose those rituals I need to do sometimes to quell my anxiety on others. Anyway, has anyone had a similar dynamic? Any tool that are helpful for understanding the other? It just feels like this terrible cycle of each of us not feeling heard or understood, and I do get him. I understand that he feels like he needs to do these things now, but it’s just hard meeting these insanely high standards on a daily basis and also meet my own needs.

When things are good they are good. But when things are bad, can be triggered by mostly anything. Well then there goes 2-3 hours where i sit hearing her talking how i make all mistakes, why i have no friends (but i do have friends who i care a lot about...), why i'll never be able to work (probable, i have autism and adhd), how i cause all these outbursts of hers and if they make me feel bad then i should stop causing them. Or how why should she say sorry about things she says when i was the one that caused it?

"Say one time i said X to you" she tells me but i have forgotten when, only a gut feeling it happened. But maybe i had a false memory, i have memory of a goldfish. I dont trust mine at all.

Or how can i live with myself for doing this to her, she'd feel bad if she hurt others. That i dont try in the relationship (i sacrificed my entire family lunch and things i had to do to listen and comfort her) that i have no respect for other people.... If i try to defend myself or say sorry instead of just listening i get the "youve said sory so many times, the word means nothing". If i made mistakes that hurt her then they are intentional, i should stop intentionally hurting her. Then screaming, hyperventilating, puking sounds and telling if i cancel the call with her "she doesnt know what she'll do", she doesnt want to exist she says. I just wanted to cancel the call so we could talk another day after some sleep and rest, talk when neither is tired.

Now get this, i am innately bad with keeping times, i am time blind. She knows. But thats why i have my phone, calendar and notebook. It works great and 90% of the time i keep times well.

Well, this time i was 19 mins late to make a call i promised to make to her. I got lost in a book earlier a few rooms away so i did not hear my phone buzz. Thats what triggered this. She also had a bad day at work, so it is understandable she's in a bad mood. But nowadays these outbursts are once 1-2 weeks rather than 1-2 months. I am afraid of her, afraid of making mistakes that'll set her off.

I'm going to try inform her about more therapy and such, but she says it'll be ok once stabilize at home, that she doesnt need it.

Sorry for long text and repeat of earlier post, but it keeps happening and i want to cry. She goes from this to normal and caring, then potentially back again the morning after, or not. I'll try my darnest to help, but i dont have the tools to understand this or help, i feel helpless. She has depression and difficult anxiety, probably aspergers. I do not recognize this, how i cause it, because normally she's a lovely kind caring person, to everyone. That's why i love her, for thst and many other reasons.

I've been with my gf for 5 years, and I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, which was eye opening as I had my suspicions. I realised how much my life has been staggered by my brain just not cooperating. Unfortunately, I'm not on meducation now as my psychiatrist basically put me on observation because he believes I have a mild case. However he did up my dose of zoloft to 75mg, saying it will help manage some of my symptoms, but honestly I don't think it makes that much of a difference.

I moved with my gf and friends to study abroad, and I finally felt the full force of ADHD. I have never been such a mess. All my carefully crafted routines are gone and I find it very gard to get a move on and do things. I'm very forgetful and will not remember to do inportant tasks. I'm doing a master's degree and it feels impossible, like my brain is being tortured while I'm trying to do complex tasks and assignments that don't interest me. I cry while doing things often.

Now onto the main point. My gf has expressed to me that she feels like she can't rely on me or that I'll be responsible. She feels like she has to keep track of tasks around the house to remind me to do them. What happens really often is that she reminds me to do something right as I was going to (genuinely, I swear) and then she gets frustrated as she feels like I wouldn't do it if she didn't tell me to. I get frustrated as I finally got motivation to move and do it, and immediately I get frustration and criticism. I really do have good intentions but it can be so hard to start, especially when I need to get out of bed (though that one is probably my depression too).

I do understand where she's coming from and I'm sure I would be just as frustrated in her place. She has understanding for my ADHD, but I think everyone has their limits. I want to be better and I want to improve, I just genuinely don't know how. I tried alarms (which I turn off), reminders (which I forget to check after a while), to-do lists (which only works while a strict routine is in place), cod liver oil (helps but doesn't make a meaningful impact), etc.

Does anyone with ADHD have some advice on how to start and complete tasks? For those with partners, how do you avoid ADHD creating conflict in your relationships?

*Burner account

I (25F) recently found out that my partner (25M, not dx) may have ADHD. Looking back, a lot of the symptoms seem pretty obvious now, and it explains why we've run into the same issues over and over again. Things have started to make a little more sense.

He's found a new therapist, met with his primary care doctor for a recommendation, and is going through all the proper steps. He still has to see a psychiatrist for a final diagnosis, and I genuinely appreciate that he's taking this seriously and seeking help.That said, it almost feels like he's been leaning into it since finding out he may have ADHD. His attention span seems even worse than before.

I've told him many times that this relationship has been really hard and emotionally draining for me at times. I feel like I've always been the one trying to save us. I'm naturally empathetic, but I'm exhausted from constantly holding his hand and guiding him through what needs to be done. I've spent a lot of time researching how to be a better partner to someone with ADHD, but it doesn't feel like he's putting the same effort into understanding how his behaviors affect me or what it's like to be the partner of someone with ADHD.

I recently told him that it feels like every issue turns into three separate battles.

The first battle is the actual issue. Tonight, for example, it was him being on his phone instead of being present during our conversation. The second battle is trying to point it out in the moment. More often than not, he becomes defensive before he finally stops what he's doing. The third battle is trying not to shut down while explaining how it all makes me feel, only for him to become defensive again.

This is all new, and I know it's a lot for both of us. I don't intend to leave him, but it feels like he can't really hear what I'm saying because he's so focused on how much he's trying and how much he feels he's improving. I can absolutely acknowledge the progress he's made, but it doesn't seem like he can acknowledge the areas where he still hasn't improved. Some of these issues existed long before ADHD was ever on our radar, and they're still happening today.Whenever we talk about it, he ends up breaking down emotionally, and it feels like the conversation shifts away from what I'm feeling and becomes about him.

Should I just be patient? Is this a normal part of the process, or is there something we're missing?

I’m trying to understand whether this is an ADHD thing or just a personality difference.

I genuinely love my partner and I enjoy kissing, cuddling and physical affection when we’re being intimate or spending intentional time together.
But during everyday life, if I’m watching TV, on my phone, reading, or focused on something, a hug or kiss almost feels like it pulls me out of whatever mental state I’m in.

It’s not that I find affection gross or uncomfortable. I don’t.

The frustrating part is that a quick kiss or hug often isn’t enough because my partner naturally wants it to last longer, and I find myself feeling irritated, almost like I’m waiting to get back to what I was doing.

I wish I could just surrender to the moment because I know that’s how my partner experiences it. For them, affection seems grounding. For me, it often feels like an interruption.

Once I’ve mentally switched into “relationship mode,” I’m completely different. I love kissing and physical affection. It’s specifically the transition from one activity to another that feels difficult.

Has anyone else with ADHD experienced this?
Did you figure out whether it was related to context switching, hyperfocus, demand avoidance, or something else?

I’d really appreciate hearing how you experience it and whether anything helped.

Same goes with sex as well.