Is being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD actually sustainable? I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself.
About 8 months ago, I met this guy online. He was cute, funny, and we really clicked. At some point he told me he had ADHD. Honestly, I didn’t know much about ADHD at the time.
A few months after we started talking, we made things official. A few months after that, he moved in with me. He had some things going on at home, and since he was my boyfriend, I felt like offering him a place to stay was the right thing to do.
The thing is, he moved over 14 hours away from home to be with me.
When we were long-distance, things were manageable. But now that we live together, his ADHD seems to be affecting our relationship a lot more. It feels like the smallest things can turn into arguments. I’m also someone who doesn’t like backing down when I genuinely believe I’m right, so that obviously makes things worse.
I’m not trying to insult my partner, but sometimes I feel like we just process things very differently. I’m 25 and he’s 24, and he is medicated for his ADHD. There are things he does that he attributes to ADHD, and sometimes I genuinely don’t understand how ADHD explains certain behaviors. I find myself wondering, “Is this actually ADHD, or is this just him?”
And that’s where I’m struggling.
Sometimes he’ll do something hurtful, frustrating, or irresponsible and blame it on his ADHD. I understand that ADHD can affect things like impulsivity, emotional regulation, forgetfulness, communication, etc., but at what point does an explanation become an excuse?
There are also moments where I genuinely wonder if some of his behavior is narcissistic or manipulative, and then I question myself because I don’t know enough about ADHD to know where the line is.
I love him. He’s genuinely a great person in many ways, and I don’t want to reduce him to his ADHD. But I’m extremely stressed in this relationship right now, and I can feel myself starting to lose who I am.
So I guess my question is for people who have ADHD themselves or have been in long-term relationships with someone who has ADHD:
What is it actually like? Can a healthy relationship work when one person has ADHD? How do you distinguish between ADHD-related behavior and someone simply refusing to take responsibility for their actions?
I’m not necessarily looking for people to tell me “leave him” or “stay with him.” I’d really like to hear from people who have actually lived this and can give me some perspective, because right now I’m genuinely struggling.