u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Far-Gear-3368

AITA: My husband pants me while I was changing our baby’s diaper and I asked him to never do that again.

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 12, 2024

Not a long story here. I (F32) was changing our baby’s diaper when my husband (M37) snuck up behind me and pulled my pants down (just the pants, not the underwear - he wanted me to include this part). He did it to make me laugh.

I elbowed him and yelled at him. (I apologized for elbowing him, it was just a reaction). I asked him to never do it again and now he won’t agree and keeps laughing. He says I’m overreacting but I’m really just asking him not to do again and I’m worried he’s going to do it all the time now.

He says he’ll stop if the internet agrees with me but he is confident you will all think he’s hilarious.

I really don’t want to deal with this anymore. Please just say “it’s funny once but not again”.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Shot-Detective8957

>I mean if you asked him not to do it he shouldn't. NTA.

moist-v0n-lipwig

>>Ask him why he care more about what the internet thinks than his own wife.

~

[deleted]

> Regardless of how funny or innocent he thinks it is - you asked him not to do it again, so he needs to respect that. > > I had an ex who thought it was hilarious to tickle me because I hated it so much. He would be relentless about it to the point that I would nearly piss myself - I would yell at him and scratch him to get him to stop, and he would get furious with me for “attacking” him for doing something he thought was fun that I asked him repeatedly not to do. Which is fucking insane.

~

DirtyBoots_1990

> Husband: Why would you listen to internet strangers over your wife? She is your life partner, the one you chose to marry…but you don’t value her own personal boundaries? > > You think internet strangers have more rights to decide your wife’s personal boundaries? When you’re talking about whether your wife has a right to not be stripped half naked for giggles? > > Learn to respect your wife, and go pants a friend who does find it funny. 

Update:. You guys really need to chill lol. I’m not going to divorce my husband because he made a joke that didn’t land. That’s not how marriage works.

In an ironic twist I have decided we are now a pantsing house. I will pants him as often as humanly possible and I will be wearing dresses to make myself invincible. Thanks for the terrible advice (although I do agree that no means no, I just don’t think it’s that’s deep here.)

My husband is a really good guy and is genuinely hilarious making the whole family laugh, so I’m going to let him do his thing.

SECOND UPDATE: So I turned off my notifications like 10k ago. From what I can tell, It’s basically all the same stuff: calling my husband immature or a creep and then me a doormat for siding with him after reading your unhinged comments and realizing I wanted to be on the side of sanity.

Kudos to the people who are like “hey glad you guys can have a good time.” Because we do. We ALWAYS do because we are happily married and we love each other and we like to joke around (been married for 11 years).

I highly encourage you all to laugh at your partner’s jokes and if you don’t think it’s funny just tell them to stop and they will listen to you if they’re the right person. (Like my husband is for me.) find someone who makes you laugh and likes to have fun and don’t squash their joy by being a stuck up a$$hole. You’ll be happier if you lighten up and so will they.

Thank for everyone who genuinely cared about my well being. I really worded my post to make it sound like I didn’t also think it was funny. To be fair, I was laughing while I posted this and didn’t think anyone would respond. But thanks anyway. You’ve got a good heart ❤️.

So have a good life everyone. I doubt I’ll ever get on this cursed app again.

And please- for the love of all that is holy- never ask strangers on the internet for their 2 cents on your relationship. It’s entertaining for like an hour but you start to lose your faith in humanity.

32F out ✌️.

OOP Updated Oct 13, 2025 (16 Months Later)

FINAL UPDATE: wow… turns out I was the asshole the whole time lol. We are actually getting divorced. Sorry to all the women in my DMs that I blatantly ignored warning me about boundaries and patterns of disrespect… while this wasn’t about the pantsing (we laughed about this for a long time), it was about his general lack of treating me like a human being.

Thanks for trying to warn me guys.

33F out ✌️.

This comment from OOP found by u/ubag

> Ex trad-wife here. I one time posted on AITAH subreddit that my husband pantsed me while I was changing the newborn baby. He thought it was funny, I did not. I asked him to promise to never do that again. He said he was going to do it EVEN MORE (haha 🙄) Reddit blew up. Saying the fact that he wasn’t going to respect my request was a red flag. He was voted the ah by the vast majority… > > I defended him saying it was just a joke. Now we’re divorced. He was just like all these other husbands treating their wives like dirt as part of misogynist culture and bullying jokes. I was brainwashed. Hindsight is 20/20. Pray for these women and keep telling them they deserve better. It does help even if they keep defending their jerk husbands and talk about how happy they are… they’ll see the light eventually

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LiveSemicolon

I (21F) was sexually harassed by a coworker (40M). I reported him and now I'm scared

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!describes a terrifying sexual harassment encounter!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Ends positive for OOP!<

Original Post  Nov 29, 2019

Title pretty much explains it. TLDR at the end. I'm writing out the events almost like an incident report trying to keep things on track. If things don't make sense at first just bear with me.

So a little backstory leading up to the situation. This coworker has been the bane of my existence since he started. Hes way too cocky, overly confident in things he doesn't know, is bad at his job, and a huge liar. He's thrown me and fellow coworkers under the bus for HIS mistakes. Anything that comes out of this mans mouth you HAVE to take with a grain of salt because chances are its not quite the truth. Anyways, I wasn't very subtle with my dislike for him to my managers and other coworkers I trusted, but I understand professionalism is need in the workplace so I've always been very polite and cordial to him.

We don't work shifts together that often, but on Monday the 25th we ended up working a shift from 5pm-11pm together. The shift started out like normal, us at our separate stations grinding through the day. Making small talk to keep the shift passing. His wife stops by and drops of lunch for him, and after she leaves for whatever reason he starts telling me his marriage problems. This is a little out of the ordinary since I've never held a deeper conversation than what our weekend plans are with him. I let him ramble and give him kinda good, but half assed advice, like "why don't you just tell her these things" and "sounds like you need to talk to her."

After a while of this he suddenly drops on me that him and his wife don' have sex anymore. I'm a little taken aback but think nothing of it at the time, figuring dead bedrooms go hand in hand with marriage problems. I also am one of those girls that's always gotten along with guys a lot better, and am used to hearing tons of "locker room talk." We kind of talk back and forth about that, and I'll admit I said somethings maybe I shouldn't have said in hindsight. I made comments about how I keep my sex life healthy with my boyfriend, saying things like "we like to try new things" or "we try to set aside times to just be intimate with each other." I think the most explicit thing I said was after he told me he found a vibrator in his wife's drawer that he didn't know about and I said "yeah but all girls have one, even I do." Again I take credit for my part in that and looking back I don't think I should have said those things.

Next thing he tells me that it seems like I would solve all his problems. He asks me to go in the back and hook up with him, mentioning that the cameras don't work. At this point fear just spreads over me. We are the only two people at work right now, with the next person coming on at 11pm and its only 7:30pm. I ask what in disbelief and he repeats himself, again stressing that the cameras don't work/record. I just kinda laugh and brush him off saying "you know we cant do that." He presses it again and I tell him no again.

I'm petrified at this point. Here I am alone for another 3 1/2 hours with an older guy twice my size. Last thing I wanted was to go in the back for something in the printer and to get shoved in the supply closet. I texted one of my other coworkers what was going on but didn't bother contacting a manager. They never reply to texts and I couldn't chance a phone call in front of the guy. Looking back I should have just left, or had someone come and keep me company, but I was scared and kind of just shut down.

As the night goes on he goes back and forth between continuing to tell me about the lack of sex from his wife and all the things he and his wife used to do, getting into details. At one point I walk across to our coffee station to get a cup of coffee and try to get away for a little while. From across the room he begins to ask me to take care of his needs again, saying he's fantasized about me. That he jerks it in the shower to me all the time. How pretty I must look naked and with a cock in my mouth. Really uncomfortable stuff. I keep reminding him that I am in a very happy LTR. That I'm not looking for anything like that. He tells me that I'm making him sad every time I say no.

The entire time I'm trying to just keep the peace and not make this guy mad. He reminds me the cameras don;t work once again. He then tells me the story of how at his last job he was fired because a woman came forward and falsely accused him of sexual assault, and that it ruined his life for a while. He also let me know that if I tell anyone about tonight that he would know it was me that told.

I'm having a near panic attack at this point. I don't know where any of this is coming from. As much as I don't like the guy, he's got kids only 3-4 years younger than me, and he never struck me as this type. I never felt uncomfortable being left alone with him before, on top of I was sure he knew I wasn't particularly found of him. I keep trying to direct his attention away from me and say that if he's serious about stepping outside his marriage and really wont talk to his wife then he should try bars or something. He then proceeds to download tinder or okcupid or whatever on the computer and turns it to face towards me. He begins to scroll through and tell me which girls he wants to fuck and what he'd do to them.

A couple more times he asks me to hook up with him, ending with "well if you're ever single you better text me." It's 10:40pm at this point and the person relieving us gets here early. It also happens to be one of my favorite coworkers. Hes also an older guy but he super cool and not creepy, much more like a father figure. Helps me with my car and other advice. Anyways, relief coworker talks to us for a bit before actually starting his shift, I hang around to shoot the shit with him like I always do. I can tell the perverted coworker is anxious at the thought of me staying and talking in case I tell. he eventually leaves and I break down on tell cool coworker everything. I'm a crying mess and we sit and talk for over 2 hours. This is already getting pretty long so I'll spare the details, but cool coworker is incredibly angry and tell me that if I don't report it then he will. He says a lot of what happened and what was said was grooming. I agree to report it.

I call my boyfriend after leaving and tell him everything that happened. Hes supportive and tells me I need to report it too.

I go home and write everything down very similar to what I've written here. I take my notebook with me the next day to the office with me. I'ts my day off so when I go in my assistant manager is surprised to see me. Our GM is in a meeting and he asks me what was wrong. I had barely slept the night before and know I looked a mess. We step into his office and I just start crying and give me the notebook to read. After he does he apologizes and consoles me. We wait together until my GM is done. We go into her office together and repeat. I cry, she reads notebook. She's a little reserved asking me if it's 100% the truth and I say yes. She lets me know that corporate is going to have to be involved and there will be an investigation. I ask her please not to, I just don't want to work with him anymore. She says she has to and that she's really sorry. She asks why I wouldn't want there to be an investigation. I tell her that because I feel like I allowed it to happen with the way I spoke in the beginning and I was worried he would lie as he always does and spin it on me. I had no proof that this happened. No audio recording, no text messages between us, it was very he-said-she-said. She assures me that the investigation will be very thorough and unbiased and will get to the bottom of the truth. Because of the holiday she lets me know she cant get in contact with HR until next Tuesday, but will switch our schedules around so that we never cross paths until she can figure out exactly how to proceed with this. I'm fine with this. I tell her I'm really scared about him knowing that I told, since I work the overnight shift sometimes and he knows that. I'm scared he will come after me. She assures me again that everything will be taken care of.

Sorry for the long ramble, but what I need advice on is if I was in the right or not to report it. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I should have just shut up and let it go. I'm worried that I brought it upon myself for even entertaining any type of outside of work talk. My anxiety is through the roof and I cant sleep or eat. I know my story is 100% the truth on what happened, I'm just worried that somehow they wont believe me and I will get fired. Was I in the right? If so, how do I stop this anxiety and feeling like its my fault and that I'm the one that did something wrong?

TLDR; Older coworker grossly harasses me, I reported it, now feel like I did something wrong for reporting it. Cant eat or sleep since. Need help.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sharmrp72

> YOU DID THE RIGHT THING - 100%. and i put it in capitals cos i am shouting at you. 100% every time. > > Guy probably does it and intimidates and that is how he keeps thinking he is entitled to keep.doing it. > > Chin up, he's a total git and deserves everything that's coming at him.

OOP

>>Hey thanks, I needed to hear that :)

Update - rareddit  Dec 17, 2019 (3 weeks later)

So its been a couple weeks and the whole thing has finally come to an end. Here's what happened.

The rest of that week passed, I had a nice Thanksgiving, I was able to kind of forget this had happened and found some peace. On the following Monday our HR Rep showed up and began the investigation. We went to a restaurant across the street and talked for about 2 hours in total. She was very sympathetic and kind and definitely did not make me feel like I was being investigated. She let me cry it all out and even somehow understood me through that ugly girl crying voice lol. After that she began to pull in my coworkers and ask them questions too. From what I understand she did not tell them what happened, only that I had made a complain against him, which I wish they hadn't done. But even so all of my coworkers treated me with respect, not really acknowledging what was happening. Which was really nice I have to say. Nobody asking me questions or throwing dirty looks, and no pity parties. I find out a little later though though that a couple other things against him came out during the investigation. Nothing as serious as this situation, but definitely some creepy things being said to other younger female coworkers.

My coworker (40M) gets put on paid leave that day, and our HR rep goes back to the main office with the promise of coming back at the start of next week. The whole rest of the week I'm just a mess. I'm still working through my feeling on the situation. I have to work some shifts alone overnight and I'm terrified he's going to show up. He never does of course, but I carry pepper spray now thanks to an early Christmas gift my my awesome coworker.

In total my coworker in question is on paid leave for 2 weeks. Our HR rep does come back, but only to talk to our GM. She leaves again with the promise to call on Saturday.

Saturday comes and my manager pulls me into her office and lets me know he is about to come in for a meeting and I should go on an extended 10 min break to my car. She texts me when he has left to come back in and come to her office. When I do she places a phone call to our HR rep. We have a mini conference call and they let me know that he has been fired and go over with me the things that I should do in the future should anything ever happen again such as just leave, or make a phone call to a boss. They also ask me if I feel things were handled correctly and ask for my opinion on how these past 2 weeks have been.

After the call it's just my Gm and I, and I ask her what he said happened. She said it doesn't really matter, but that he didn't deny it and was very quiet and apologetic throughout the whole thing, so there's that at least.

That's pretty much everything that happened, now just to let things go back to normal, and to try and process this whole thing. Thanks to everyone that gave me great advice, and even those who didn't. I learned a hard lesson, but you can bet I wont end up in this situation again.

FINAL COMMENTS

ElanaDryer

>I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your bosses and coworkers for handling this so well too.

n1991x

>>Yes! This is how HR department should function. I think being scared is a natural reaction... maybe express this to your HR department when they follow up with you.... they may help or have resources for you.

OOP

>>>Yeah they went over that in our final meeting. Even told me what to do and who the chain of command is in the case of retaliation

Freepurrs

>Did they ever address his claim that the security cameras don’t work/ don’t record? If that was true, I hope mgmt fixed that so you all will be safer, especially since people work alone overnight.

OOP

>>They do in fact work, they even checked them for the time period we were working to match up stories

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/amiselfit

Is it wrong for me [32M] to skip my sister-in-law's wedding [26F] so I can go on a once-in-a-lifetime guy's trip with my friends? Wife [30F] not happy.

Original Post  July 21, 2015

I'll be honest. This wedding has been in the making for the last year, and the trip I want to go on is sort of last minute. I've never formally agreed to go to the wedding, but realistically it's always just been accepted as a given that I would be at the wedding since it is my wife's sister.

One of my college buddies just recently told our group of friends that he's going to Australia in October for business but plans to spend an extra week there just kicking around and exploring. One thing lead to another and two friends from our group decided to join him. I've wanted to go to Australia ever since I was in college, but I never could get a group together. It looks like that's finally happening! The problem is that I'll have to miss my sister-in-law's wedding because it falls right in the middle of the week we're planning to go, and it wouldn't make sense to leave early or go late. It's an expensive trip, but I can make it work. I think it would be money well spent.

Of course my wife is not happy about this, which I can understand. She's very close to her sister, so I can see why the wedding is a big deal to her, but I don't think she really understands my position. I like her sister, but we're not close. The same is true for her fiance. I have nothing against them, but the only reason I would be going is for my wife. Normally, I'd be okay accepting this, but I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with good friends that I don't get to hang out with that often. I think I'm justified in wanting to go and am being both reasonable and fair.

tl;dr: I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with my friends to Australia. Wife doesn't want me to go because I'd miss her sister's wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sparklefades

> This is not a "once in a lifetime" trip. A once in a lifetime trip is if you won an all expenses paid trip to Australia, but could only go at a specific time deemed by the payer - like when Oprah took all those people to AUS. This is just you and your buddies throwing a last minute plan together. > > To be honest, you sound really immature and whiney in your OP and responses. I'm guessing you'll fuck off to Australia and deal with the consequences later. If you love your wife and marriage and life with her, the consequences will not be worth it.

OOP

>>Yeah, that's fair criticism. I am leaning towards going, but only if I can work out something with my wife where she is at peace with me going. I'm sorry if that's not what people want to hear, but that is the truth.

MashKeyboardWithHead

>>> She wont be at peace, no sane, reasonable person will be. >>> >>> You will guilt and manipulate her into saying "its fine" then fuck off with your buddies then do the whole "but you said it was fine, why are you still upset" routine when you get back. >>> >>> I think a lot of people are reading this thread and are super glad they arent married to someone like you.  The whole immaturity, selfishness and lack of respect and consideration... eugh.

~

sleepfight

> Is your wife important to you? Because her sister sounds very important to her. I'm sure you want to go on this trip, but you already committed to the wedding. Could you not go on a trip to Australia with your wife at a later date? > > Think about this carefully.

OOP

>>Well, part of the reason for going is to be with my friends. I love my wife, but taking taking a trip with her is different. It's not worse, just different. Basically, she can't replace my friends, and they can't replace her. I'd love to go with her sometime, but it'll be a different sort of trip.

sleepfight

>>>So, essentially what you are saying here is that you are prioritizing your friends and your own needs over your wife's needs.

OOP

>>>>What I'm trying to say is that this, to me at least, feels like a bigger deal. In essence, what this trip means to me > what me going to the wedding will mean to my wife. I understand what the selfless thing to do would be, but seeing as I normally am one to "take one for the team," I don't think I am being unreasonable by asking my wife to do the same here.

~

leaveluck2heaven

>Did you actually come here for advice? Because it seems like all you want to do is argue with anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you were hoping to hear.

OOP

>>I was hoping that someone would find my justifications to be reasonable, but apparently that is not the case. 

How would the in-laws feel?

>SIL would probably not care. She'd just be like "okay, no biggie." MIL doesn't care much for me as is, so I'm not worried about her. FIL hates weddings, so he'd probably envy me.

Update  Aug 4, 2015 (2 weeks Later)

I thought that those of you who responded to the first post would be like to know what happened afterwords. Things got..interesting to say the least.

So after I made the post told I eventually called my SIL and told her that I wanted to talk with her about something wedding related. My wife hadn't given her a heads up, so I had to explain the entire situation to her and the position I was in. I was honest with her about wanting to go on the trip, but I told her that I needed to know for her sake and my wife's whether or not missing her wedding would be a cardinal sin. Surprisingly, she actually told me that she would be fairly upset if I missed the wedding. What surprised me even more was that she told me that I had always been like her brother (even though, in my opinion, we've never been all that close). I told her that I would think about what she'd told me and make a decision after I had talked with my wife again and considered all factors.

Now for the interesting part. According to my wife, after that conversation, SIL was upset enough that she went on a big rant about it with soon-to-be BIL. Apparently he made the mistake of telling SIL that he didn't see the big deal because it was just a "stupid" wedding (in his defense, he's not a wedding guy either). SIL got pretty heated about this and let him have it. In turn, he vented his own frustration with how big of a deal that SIL had made out of the wedding. Things pretty much spiraled out of control from there (from what my wife has told me they each said some very ugly things to each other).

At this point, although they aren't broken up, it seems unlikely that the wedding will go on as planned barring some miracle. I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though. I feel like if they had issues that were this deep seated then they would have never made it as a married couple anyway. That doesn't mean that I am pleased, because obviously wife and SIL are upset.

As for my Australia trip, I don't really guess there's a reason not to go anymore, but I haven't dared bring it up again with my wife. She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going.

Thanks everyone. I guess your advice actually did work, although not in the way that either of us intended for it to.

   tl;dr: Spoke to SIL about missing wedding for trip. She was upset. This in turn led to her having a big fight with her finace. They're basically broken up so wedding seems unlikely and trip is (probably) back on.

FINAL COMMENTS

allyourcritbotthings

>If your wife ever gets a whiff of "I'm glad that fight happened because now I can go to Australia without guilt," you are going to have a horrible time.

OOP

>>I said I wasn't happy. I feel bad that this is happening to SIL and that she is going through a difficult time.

got-to-be-kind

>>> "I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though." >>> >>> "She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going." >>> >>> Yeah, I'm sure your wife won't mind at all that you get to go on your trip while she stays at home and comforts her sister over her crumbling relationship and potentially cancelled wedding. You should send her pictures of the great time your having on the day the wedding would have taken place. That'll go over swimmingly.

~

TheGreatAvocado

>Wow. You and the former groom are BOTH idiots.

OOP

>>I don't see how I'm an idiot here. I didn't really do anything. This was all on him. But, yeah, he is an idiot. Funny guy, but still an idiot.

~

RealRealGood

>Why the fuck did you call your SIL? This was an issue between you and your wife. Now you fucked up two marriages. And you "don't really feel bad about what happened." Holy shit, you're an asshole.

OOP

>>I don't feel like the fact that they broke up was my fault. I hate that it happened, but I don't blame my self. Also, I talked to SIL hoping that if she gave me clearance it would convince my wife.

When told not to go on the trip

>I probably won't go now. I feel like it'd be too much and my wife would kill me. I think I would have had an easier time going if the wedding had stayed on, but now everyone will probably blame me for ruining everything. Even if I did go, too much has happened for me to enjoy the trip.

And OOP now makes a decision of if he should go or not

[deleted]

> Your poor wife. > > I read the last post, and I read this post and I kept coming to the same conclusion: I hope he goes on the trip.  I say that because if you had, she very well might have left you.  And that you deserve to be left is just a given. > > But now she's distracted.  Who knows what you'll do next to fuck her over?  Who knows how hard you'll hurt her?  Who knows how much harder it will be to get out by then? > > She most likely has no clue what kind of self absorbed, narcissistic madman she's stuck with.  She thinks she has a normal person as a husband, and she's sitting tight.  When, in reality, she actually has a manchurian candidate of baby level narcissism, just under the surface. > > What planet do you live on?  What society have you grown up in that you feel like your way of thinking and the way you react to things are normal?  It's like you spent 32 years in a sealed room with only headshots of yourself and a recording of "Only I matter" playing on a loop, and then someone pushed you out into the world. > > Your poor wife.

OOP

>>As much as you may think I don't, I love my wife. I love her more than anyone else, but yes, I can be selfish. If I get called out for it, then I can correct it, but otherwise there's a good chance I won't make the right decision. In this case, the trip is off. I'm not going, and I'm okay with that.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throw-away1918

AITA for moving out, taking all my stuff, and not telling my roommates

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Invasion of privacy, entitlement!<

Editors Note: Changed initials B, C & D to Bethany, Celine & Dolly for easier reading

Original Post  Nov 11, 2021

I (19f) live with 3 other girls (19-20) in an apartment on campus. Since it’s an apartment on campus it’s a 2 bedroom with 4 people so everyone shares a room. I share a room with Bethany, Celine and Dolly share a room. Between me and Dolly we furnished the whole apartment.

I want to acknowledge that I am the bitchy roommate, I call everyone out on money, food, and cleaning. I’m a full time college student and I work 40 hours a week on top of that, but I’m also the one that does the most chores. Since I am the only one with a job, my roommates expect me to buy everything for the place (toilet paper, garbage bags, ect) and they get mad that I ask them to pay me their share of.

I really enjoy cooking and it’s a huge stress relief for me. For the first month of the semester we did group groceries and group meals, it was cheaper and we would be getting better meals. I figured out We could get 2 weeks worth of meals for around $30 - $40 each every 2 weeks. I make the grocery list and cook the meals. After about a month B and Celine said they don’t want to do group groceries anymore because it’s too expensive. I now cook meals for me and Dolly, we shop together and split the cost 50/50. I’m cooking food for me and Dolly still, Bethany and Celine expect me to make them food. I told them they didn’t pay for food so Im not making them any. So now they go out to eat and get take out every night, then complain that they don’t have any money.

Bethany has a boyfriend, he comes over and spends the night too. I share a room with Bethany, i’ve asked to let me know before he comes over. She did for a month, now she tells no one. He comes over and takes naps in her bed when she’s not in the room and I’m trying to do homework. I’ve asked not have him spend the night if I am intoxicated due to trauma. I woke up after drinking and he was in the room asleep without her. So I did not fall back asleep and was not happy. He comes over all the time now and she doesn’t let us know, I’ll jump in the shower in the morning when I walk back to my room in just a towel he’ll be sitting on her bed while I try to get dressed.

I am in therapy, and because of the pandemic it’s virtual. So I do it from my own room. I can’t help it if there’s people home, but I’ve recently figured out that they’ve been listening to my therapy sessions. I’ll talk about things in that session that I don’t talk about with anyone else, somehow Celine and Bethany will bring it up later that night if it’s something about the apartment and them.

When I move out they will have absolutely nothing in the apartment, no pots or pans, couch, a coffee table, a TV, a TV stand, all decorations, ect. I already canceled my housing contract for next semester, it isn’t going to be worth $2,000 for me. So I left for 2 weeks, packed up most of my stuff and left with it, I only told Dolly that I was leaving for 2 weeks. So Bethany and Celine have no idea where I am or most of my stuff and honestly I’m fine with it.

Am I the asshole?

Edit: I have told Dolly that I am not coming back for the 2nd semester. Everything that she paid for / brought is hers, I’m leaving her stuff alone and that includes some of the stuff that we split the cost on. Bethany and Celine have since decided to give me the silent treatment and have not talked to me for a week. I have my big furniture pieces and everything in the kitchen left there for me to grab over thanksgiving break when no one is there. Otherwise, I have nothing else still there. I have talked to Dolly about moving out and getting a place with me and she isn’t interested with moving into a house this year since she is from out of state.

The apartment is through college housing, there is no rent to worry about for them to pay. A new random person will be placed into the apartment. The cost of living for them will not change.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Editors Note: reason for the verdict when OOP is clearly NTA

Negative_Rent

>It's the top comment, it's very long, seemingly supportive, but there's an YTA hidden in there. People are getting confused. Oh, NTA.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Nta- you don’t owe them an explanation. They continuously crossed boundaries and didn’t respect you enough. Your roomies bf is nasty too. He’s sitting there knowing you need to get dressed. That’s gross. If you share a room he shouldn’t be staying over like that. > > Also you own that stuff. They’re adults and can figure their shut out. You should try and get a place with d > > Edit: you do not owe people who treat you badly a explanation or another chance to talk you out of it. The only person who truly matters in your life is you op. You told roommate d what was up because she respected you. You don’t owe the other two anything. They were abusive and horrible to you. Worry about yourself not if you hurt their feelings. They should have considered yours if they wanted you to consider theirs.

Update  Nov 27, 2021 (16 Days Later)

I have successfully moved out of the college apartment and I moved back in with my parents while I finish out this semester before getting into a house.

My ex roommates Bethany and Celine have basically cut all contact with me. Me, Bethany, Celine, and Dolly tried to set up a time to talk about everything. Bethany and Celine showed no interest and refused. I even went back to the apartment to try help Dolly with stuff because me and her are remaining friends (she understands why I’m leaving and isn’t holding a grudge against me). When I went back Bethany and Celine locked themselves into the room that Celine and I shared. They were talking loudly (on purpose) so that I could hear them.

Bethany: “…we should go talk to her I feel bad”

Celine: “I don’t really care she’s a bitch for taking everything…”

The two laugh and stayed in the locked room until I left. They said nothing to me the whole time.

I took everything of mine, leaving them with the university suppled Furniture. No more nice furniture, nothing to cook with, no decorations, nothing in the bathroom, etc. I moved everything out when everyone was gone for the weekend. In moving out I haven’t been able to find a few of my belongings, in the end the total amount for how much I’m missing is about $40. Dolly has no idea where it is or how it went missing.

Bethany and Celine have completely cut off contact with me, blocked me on social media, and left our group chats. From Dolly I found out that Bethany and Celine will be moving out as well and into a dorm with just the 2 of them. Celine moved into the room with Bethany for the time being so now Dolly has her own room.

Bethany still hasn’t seemed to grasp the concept that she’s the reason that I’m leaving more than anything. She is still bringing her boyfriend over almost everyday and isn’t asking, she is telling Dolly instead of asking. Dolly has told her no he can’t come over a few times and she still tries to sneak him in. This ends in Dolly yelling at her and then fighting, resulting in Bethany locking herself in the room to pout. Dolly wants to get the RAs involved and I keep telling her to but she hasn’t yet.

Me, Celine, and Dolly were part of a friend group of 6 from freshman year. I talked to them and leaned on them for support and they all agree that Celine and Bethany are way out of line. Formally kicking Celine out out of the group. She’s been removed from out group chats along with other social media. I definitely feel as tho that’s my fault but I don’t feel bad about it, Celine showed her true colors and made her own fate.

Edit: my ex roommates are not financially responsible for any type of rent since it’s a contract with out college. The cost is paid in tuition.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

>Good for you. Glad you and Dolly are staying friends and you got those two toxic people out of your life.

OOP

>>She says she will, but I suspect the last of my stuff was either thrown away or they have it hidden/taken somewhere

MaryAnne0601

>>>Chalk the $40 worth of stuff to experience and just forget them. Your better off. Your also NTA

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/poppurplepuff

I will probably never buy Christmas gifts for a family in need ever again.

Originally posted to r/offmychest & r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Deception, theft!<

Original Post  Jan 7, 2025

In 2023, a mom on my local moms group posted a plea for toys for her daughter's Christmas. She said she and her husband couldn't afford to buy anything, and I felt bad, because many people were commenting with rude and degrading responses. I didn't know this girl, but it turned out that we had mutual acquaintances and we also happened to work in the same hospital. People said she a genuinely kind person and a hard worker. I bought some toys and clothes for her and she cried when she picked it up, thanking me for helping her out.

This past Christmas, I heard she had to quit work to care for her mother, and she welcomed a second baby. She made a post again on the moms group and asked for small things for her kids. I offered to do it again and I bought things for both daughters. The mom told me that these were the only presents her kids would receive this Christmas as she and her husband were struggling. They even had to sell one of their cars, she claimed.

Yesterday, she sent me a message to thank me for the gifts. I don't know what prompted me to click on her profile, but there was a recently posted video she she shared from her TikTok. Turns out this mom is trying to become an influencer. She boasts having an elaborate gaming desktop; she spends money on designer bags; she goes on shopping sprees for products to endorse and boost her followers on social media; and she shares shopping hauls on expensive products for herself and her husband.

I feel so stupid. I know you can't always believe what people say, especially when they claim to be in a rough situation, but damn, some people just play you and take advantage of anyone's kindness. I know not all people do this, but it's kind of ruined any sort of desire I have left to help families especially during the holidays. And I also feel bad thinking this way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

wittiestphrase

>Is there a chance that the persona you saw online was actually the lie?  Lots of people like to pretend to have things because they think it gives them credibility.

OOP

>>I don't think so. Her TikTok is full of "get ready with me" videos and of her cleaning up after her kids. They're consistent and show the same things in the background, like her really nice gaming desktop and her one nice car. I think it's a Mercedes. But now that you've mentioned this, it makes me wonder just how fake she really is.

metoocka

>Can you either expose her on Tik Tok or write to her directly letting her know that you saw her Tik Tok and are very hurt/disappointed/angry that she took advantage of your kindness.

OOP

>>I could do either of those things, but I also feel like the better choice would be to just let it go and move on. Kind of like ghost her. Not reply to any requests for help or anything, and then if she continues to post for help on the group, I'll just leave an anonymous tip or something. Even doing that makes me feel horrible, but I don't want someone else to fall victim to this scheme.

~

the_monkey_socks

> As the kid in this situation: > > Please don't stop. My parents did not care to buy me things. They had all the nice, fancy, updated things. They would brag about the nice computers and tvs and phones on social media, yet we (the 6 kids) had to split meal deals and the one pack of chalk, or whatever "fun" things. This was how I got my Christmas for a couple of years were from people who "adopted" me. Don't punish the children for their adults. They cannot control them. > > Also from a different but same perspective, my mom and grandparents lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. So yes, they were buying expensive "nice" things but also for an investment to last a while. So my first Christmas after the storm was an angel Christmas. I was 10, knew the truth, but it was a way for me to get something I wanted without feeling as guilty for asking my caretakers who were rebuilding and buying my necessities. It made me feel special.

OOP

>>I'm sorry your childhood was like that, really. It must've been really hurtful to see them spoil themselves but not really consider their six kids. The thing is, I feel like the mom just didn't even try to get her own kids something after I accepted to help. I told her I'd help in early November, before the Black Friday deals, Target Day Deals, and Prime Day. She posted several haul videos of high end items and designer bags throughout that whole time. I think I spent around $150 for her (great deals and lucky finds), and she spent more than that on a designer bag for herself.

Update - AITA for refusing to help a "mom in need"?  Dec 11, 2025 (11 Months later)

Two years ago, a struggling mom reached out on a local Facebook group, asking for someone to help her buy Christmas gifts for her daughter. I answered her plea and helped her out. The next year, she had welcomed a second child, had to quit her job to care for her sick mother, and had apparently sold a car so she and her husband could make ends meet. I helped again. After the second Christmas, she sent me a thank you and a friend request, and I accepted. Her profile was full of TikTok posts that detailed her life as a novice influencer. So many videos of her doing designer shopping hauls, displaying expensive nails, and trying out expensive coffee shops and such. So basically, she was struggling because of this. I posted something on Reddit before about this and people advised me how to proceed.

Two weeks ago, she reached out to me again and asked if I could once more help her buy Christmas gifts for her two kids. I didn't answer right away, but I didn't want to ghost her or anything, so I responded and told her, as advised, that I wouldn't be helping her this year. I told her politely that "it is clear to me that your inability to afford Christmas gifts for your girls stems from irresponsible financial decisions, not being down on your luck like you've claimed". I apologized and advised her to go shopping at some of the cheaper places I do my shopping at, like Ross, Marshalls, and Burlington. She blew up at me for being so insulting. She called me an AH for shaming her when she's trying to make a living for her kids by becoming an influencer. She shamed me on the local Facebook group where she originally reached out for help two years ago, posting my name and a snapshot of my Facebook profile on there. She threw in some other accusations that I was racist, sexist, and a cruel person. I haven't responded to that yet because I don't know if it's just better to not say anything or to defend myself and expose her.

I don't think I'm the AH here, but some people have said I should be just helped her out again because I have a stable job and she's just a young mom. I disagree. Did I handle it appropriately? AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LaywerDad1981

> Walk away and forget it. > > NTA.

OOP

>>This is what I'd like to do. I just reported her post to the administrators of the Facebook group. It's a buy nothing page where people give and take help or items. I've contributed a few times on there so I'm hoping they don't believe that I'm a hateful person.

OOP Updated Dec 13, 2025 (2 days later)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I read through pretty much all of them and I just wanted to say a few things...

First off, the admins for the Facebook group removed her post and banned her from the group after stating that they do not tolerate slander and hateful comments. I also blocked her from social media.

Second, and I guess I probably should've explained this in my post, after she had reached out for help this year and I eventually told her no, she persistently tried to get me to change my mind. She kept saying things like, "Are you sure you can't help?" "You're the only one who helps me with this." "My girls only want small things this year and I promise it won't be a lot." I explained to her in between these pleas that I'm expecting my own baby in a few weeks and we were saving for maternity leave. She then said she is still trying to make Christmas magical and that she's been actively looking for work for over a year now. But then on the other hand, her TikTok page is just full of content. That's when I said what I said. Maybe I was too straightforward, but I thought honesty was the right course of action. If that makes me an AH, fine. But I still believe that she should've been prioritizing finding a job or saving money rather than spending it for her influencer life. Also, she has about 50 followers so I don't know if that counts as an influencer.

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AITAH for getting with my ex-fiancé's brother after breaking off the engagement?

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, physical assault!<

Original Post  Sept 21, 2026

Okay, so I (27F) am currently dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan (30M), and some people in my life think I'm an asshole for it. I honestly don't know what to think anymore, so I figured I'd ask here. This is going to be long because there's a LOT of context, so bear with me.

Three years ago, I was engaged to Jake (29M). We'd been together for about four years, and honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. Obviously, we had our disagreements like any couple, but I loved him and genuinely thought we were going to get married. We'd already started talking seriously about the wedding, where we'd live, all that stuff. I really thought that was going to be my life.

I actually met Jake through his older brother, Ethan (30M), who I'd known for a while before Jake and I started dating. Ethan and I were friends first, and we'd always gotten along really well. We'd hang out occasionally, talk, and generally just had a good relationship. There was never anything romantic between us. He was my friend first, then my boyfriend's brother, and that was pretty much it.

Anyway, three years ago, Jake and I were invited to a destination wedding in Italy. It was for a mutual friend, and quite a few people we knew were going. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because of some complications with my job. I tried to work something out, but it just wasn't possible. Ethan couldn't go either because of work, but his fiancée, Holly (28F), was attending.

Now, Holly had always been a little too touchy with Jake for my liking. She'd hang off his arm, hug him for ages, lean against him when there was absolutely no reason to, stuff like that. I don't want to make it sound like I thought every interaction between them was suspicious, but it was enough that I'd mentioned it to Jake more than once. He always said she was just affectionate and that they'd known each other forever. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made everything into a problem, so eventually I stopped bringing it up.

When I found out Jake and Holly would be travelling to Italy together, I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. I told him that, and after a few conversations he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. They were originally booked into separate rooms, so I eventually decided to trust him and let it go.

Except then I got a call from the bride.

She told me that Jake had apparently been insisting that he and Holly stay in the same room because Holly wasn't comfortable staying with someone else and, since Jake was her fiancé's brother, she supposedly felt safer with him. The bride seemed to think this was completely reasonable and was mostly calling because she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprised by the room arrangements.

I was definitely surprised.

I called Jake and asked him about it, and he told me Holly was nervous about travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar and that there was nothing weird about it. He said I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't actually a big deal. I reminded him that I was already uncomfortable with them travelling together, and now they were apparently sharing a room too.

He reassured me again and again that nothing was going to happen. He said they were family, that Holly was engaged to his brother, and that I had no reason to worry. I eventually decided that if I couldn't trust my own fiancé, then there wasn't much point in getting married. So I told him okay.

Well, a week after the wedding, someone sent me a photo of Jake and Holly kissing.

I genuinely just stared at my phone for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I messaged Jake immediately, and after a lot of back and forth, he admitted that they'd kissed at the wedding. Apparently they'd both been drinking, things got out of hand, and they ended up sleeping together.

He also admitted that they'd come back later than they were originally supposed to, which obviously hadn't helped my feelings about the whole thing.

He kept saying it was a drunken mistake and that it didn't mean anything, but at that point I didn't really care what he called it. I'd specifically told him I was uncomfortable, he'd reassured me over and over, and then he'd gone and slept with her anyway.

I ended the engagement. I couldn't see myself marrying someone after that.

Ethan found out around the same time, and he ended things with Holly too. I don't know every detail of what happened between them, and honestly I don't want to. I know he was devastated. They'd been together for years and were supposed to get married too.

The next few months were pretty awful for both of us. I was dealing with the breakup, the wedding plans that now weren't happening, having to explain to people why the engagement was over, and just generally trying to get my life back together. Ethan was dealing with his own breakup, and we were both in this weird position where the people we'd planned our futures with had betrayed both of us in basically the same situation.

Since we'd already known each other for years, we naturally started leaning on each other. We'd talk, get coffee, go out, watch movies, complain about our exes, whatever. Sometimes we'd talk about what happened and sometimes we'd deliberately talk about anything except Jake and Holly. It was actually nice having someone who didn't need me to explain why I was upset because he already understood.

And eventually, we got closer.

I don't know exactly when it happened. There wasn't some dramatic moment where we suddenly realised we were in love or anything. I just started noticing that I looked forward to seeing Ethan. We were talking more, spending more time together, and eventually I realised my feelings weren't exactly platonic anymore.

I tried to ignore it for a while because obviously dating your ex's brother is not exactly the easiest situation in the world. Ethan apparently felt the same way, though, and eventually we talked about it.

We were both really careful about it. We talked about whether this was just because we'd both gone through the same horrible experience, whether we were just lonely, whether we were using each other as a rebound, and what would happen to the family if we actually started dating. Neither of us wanted to get together just because we were angry at Jake and Holly.

Eventually we decided to give it a chance.

We've been together for a while now, and honestly, I'm really happy. I know that probably sounds ridiculous considering the circumstances, but I genuinely care about Ethan. He was my friend before any of this happened, and our relationship didn't start immediately after the breakups. We took our time.

The problem is that some people think I'm still in the wrong for it.

A few of my friends have basically told me that no matter what Jake did, I shouldn't have gotten involved with his brother. One of them said that I should have just walked away from the entire family instead of getting together with Ethan. Another said that it was disrespectful because Jake and Ethan are brothers and that I should have known there would be consequences.

I understand why people think it's messy. I really do. I'm not pretending this is a completely normal relationship situation. But at the same time, I don't really understand why I'm supposed to give up a relationship I genuinely care about because my ex cheated on me.

Ethan's parents are actually fine with us being together. They've been supportive, and they're both very disappointed in Jake and Holly. They don't blame me or Ethan for what happened, but they've also told us that they don't want the situation to completely tear the family apart. Which I understand. They're still Jake's parents, and I don't expect them to just stop loving him because he cheated.

Some of my cousins have also expressed concern about the relationship, mostly because they think family gatherings are going to become awkward and that eventually someone is going to have to choose sides. Honestly, I don't really think that's their business. I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides. I just happen to be in a relationship with someone I care about.

Jake, obviously, isn't happy about any of this. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by dating Ethan and apparently feels like his own brother betrayed him. I don't really know what he expected me to do. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for him, but I don't think he gets to decide who either of us can have a relationship with after what happened.

Anyway, there's a family get-together tomorrow, and both Jake and Holly are going to be there.

And honestly, I have NO idea how that's going to go.

I haven't properly seen either of them in a while, and I have no idea whether they're going to ignore us, confront us, make comments, or just pretend everything is normal. Ethan says he'll be there with me and that we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but I'm still pretty nervous about it.

Part of me wants to just go, be polite, and get through the day. Another part of me is already imagining the most painfully awkward family dinner in human history.

So yeah. That's basically the situation. Some of my friends think I'm an asshole for dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan's parents are okay with it but don't want the family falling apart, and some of my cousins think we're making things unnecessarily complicated.

I honestly don't know anymore.

So, AITAH?

EDIT : To clarify, since I can't respond to so many people, yes Jake and Holly got together. I might have also forgotten to, um mention one detail. I apologize, but here it is. Jake and Holly DID NOT share the same room for the wedding, after I called to enquire about it. They did not show any signs of being near each other, however on the last day, they got drunk and spent the night. Even if it was a drunken mistake, I didn't think I could stay with someone who cheated so I left. I also couldn't reply  to many people yesterday since I had a long shift and was honestly really tired, so I just fell asleep.

If anything happens today I'll be updating.

Update  Sept 28, 2026

A lot of people asked for an update so here it is. But before we dive into more drama, Im going to clear up a few things.

Ethan and I did NOT start dating right after Jake and I broke off our engagements. We knew each other before any of this happened, but we were friends for about two years after the breakups before we actually got together. We spent a lot of that time supporting each other, and eventually things changed between us. So no, it wasn't immediately “we both got cheated on, let's date each other.” I understand why people thought it might have been trauma bonding, and honestly, we wondered that ourselves, which is why we waited.

Also, Ethan's parents were okay with us being together. They weren't exactly thrilled about the whole situation, obviously, but they supported us. They also didn't want their family to completely fall apart, so they kept some limited communication with Jake and Holly. Jake and Holly absolutely got criticised for what they did. But Ethan and I got plenty of criticism too, mostly from people who thought that just because Jake and Holly cheated didn't mean we should get together out of spite or make things even messier. I actually understand that perspective more than I probably did when I first made the post.

Anyway. The family dinner happened. And yeah. It went badly.

And uh... yeah. Holly tried to pull my fucking hair.

So this is how it went: 

I was talking to someone in the hallway when she came up to me and started going off. She was saying I had ruined the family, that I was a stain of dirt on them, and that I needed to walk away from Ethan and stay away from all of them.

I told her I wasn't doing this with her and tried to walk away.

She followed me.

I turned around and told her again to leave me alone, and that's when she grabbed my hair. Like actually grabbed it and yanked me backwards. I shoved her hand away and she started yelling that I needed to get out of their family and that I had no right to be there.

And then Ethan, Jake, and their parents walked in. 

Perfect timing, right? lol ok but back to the topic at hand: 

Ethan immediately came over and got between us. His parents were yelling at Holly, asking what the hell she was doing, and Jake just stood there for a second looking completely shocked.

Then Jake went, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Holly started trying to explain herself and saying that I had been provoking her and that I was ruining everything, but Jake cut her off. He told her that whatever problems they had with me, she had no excuse to put her hands on me.

And I swear, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jake actually look disgusted by something she'd done.

Everything just kind of exploded after that. Everyone was talking over everyone, Holly was still screaming, Ethan was telling her to stay away from me, and his parents were basically trying to get everyone to calm down.

Jake eventually told Holly that they were done. And then he basically admitted that he'd been a huge jerk. Like, actually admitted it. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before.

I'm not suddenly best friends with Jake or anything, and I'm definitely not forgiving everything that happened because he finally did one decent thing. But I wasn't expecting him to be the one to step in, so... yeah. However, I appreciate that he owned up, even though it was 3 years later, let's just say I don't forget easily.

After that, I didn't stay for dinner. I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit back down at the table and pass the potatoes around like nothing had just happened, because, to be fair who would actually do that?

Ethan came with me, obviously. His parents stayed behind for a bit because there was still a lot to sort out, and I think they wanted to make sure Holly actually left.

I didn't really hear much from Jake that night. Apparently he and Holly had a massive argument after we left, and that's when he officially ended things with her. I don't know what was said between them and I'm not particularly interested in finding out.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My phone also decided that this was the perfect time to completely die, because apparently I hadn't suffered enough. So that's why there was no update after the dinner. I finally got it fixed, hence me being back here now.

I also filed for a restraining order against Holly. I'm not going to go into all the details of that because it's still being dealt with, but I felt like I needed to do something after what happened.

Ethan and I have also started therapy. Together and separately. And honestly, that has probably been one of the better decisions we've made through all of this. We had a really long conversation about us too. Like, properly talked about everything we'd been avoiding. Whether we were actually happy together, whether some of it was trauma bonding, whether we'd become too dependent on each other because we were the only two people who really understood what the other had gone through, all of it.

And we both came to the same conclusion.

We're going to let the relationship rest.

That doesn't mean Ethan is out of my life. I don't think I could just throw away a friendship that existed long before Jake and Holly. He's still one of my closest friends, and I still care about him a lot. We're just not going to keep trying to make the romantic side of things work while we're both still dealing with all of this.

I think I finally realised that I've been spending way too much time thinking about what everyone else thinks I should do. Jake thinks I shouldn't be with Ethan. Some of my friends thought I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. Other people thought we should stay together because Jake and Holly were the ones who caused all of this.

But it's my life.

And honestly, I think some of you were right when you said I needed to get away from this whole family situation instead of constantly trying to figure out where I fit into it.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a break from relationships for a while. Like, a proper break. I'm not going to start looking for someone else or worrying about whether I should date Ethan again someday. I'm just going to live my life for a bit.

I've got my friends, my work, therapy, and my cats, who are very happy that I have nowhere else to be because they've been glued to me since I got home. Maybe years from now I'll look back and still have feelings for Ethan. Maybe he will too. Maybe neither of us will. If that happens, we'll figure it out then.

But that's future me's problem.

Right now I just want to be me for a while without my entire life revolving around Jake, Holly, Ethan, or whoever thinks I'm making the wrong decision. So yeah. That's where things stand.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the original post, even the people who called me an asshole. Some of you were definitely harsh, but there were also things I needed to hear. I'm going to take a break from Reddit after this because  posting your family drama online to hundreds of strangers is not the healthiest hobby.

Thank you Reddit.

FINAL COMMENTS

HoleInWon929

> Sounds like a good decision to stop talking to the entire family. > > Yes he helped you get through an awful betrayal but it sounds like a trauma bond. > > Surely there are other people in the world to date.

OOP

>>I took everyone's advice, and I'm happy to say that I will be focusing on myself. It was messy, and even though we will remain friends, I'll be steering away from anything romantic. If any lingering feelings remain, it'll be future me's problem. Right now, Im going to travel, spend time with friends and be myself. No more drama.

allergymom74

>I would recommend taking time away from the friendship too. Yes. You went through therapy, etc to come to this conclusion. AND it is still an adjustment to go back to being just friends after years of complications. Time and space gives you time to truly move on.

OOP

>>I've taken that into consideration. I'm taking a 1 month break for my job to travel a bit. Ethan and I will remain friends, but for now we've agreed to stay distant for a while to focus on our lives instead.

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My (29F) husband's (29M) new coworker (26F) has a crush on him, he isn't interested in her, but doesn't see anything wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work.

Original Post - rareddit  July 27, 2018

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11, and I 100% trust him. The problem is I'm not a fan of his friendship with his new coworker. She's extremely drawn to him- she eats or attempts to eat lunch with him, often follows him around at work, and asks him questions about his home life (including our marriage and kids), etc. He's an attractive guy, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women, so he's trying to ignore it like he usually does. However, he still purposely spends a lot of time with her at work, he says she's a hard worker and work actually gets done when she's around, so he doesn't want to mess that dynamic up. He's even invited her to lunch outside of work (which he does with all of his friends), and yesterday, he invited her to our house for a small barbecue we're having with friends.

He sees nothing wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work, he's upfront about being married, but I feel like he's sending her mixed signals. She's never touched him, said anything sexual, or been overtly inappropriate, but I saw the way she looked at him the one time I met her, and I feel like shes reading more into their relationship than there actually is. Like while its platonic to him, she obviously has a crush on him. I get that to him, she's just a friend, and I have no problem with him having female friends, but I do have a problem with him borderline leading her on. I've talked to his other female coworkers about it, and they also agree she sees their friendship as more than a friendship, and him inviting her out to lunch alone isn't a good idea.

I know there's nothing inappropriate going on with them on his end, but I'm still kind of annoyed that he isn't listening to me or other coworkers/friends. He feels like I'm overreacting and have nothing to worry about, because we're happily married and he's not interested in her. And I do believe him, he's never given me a reason not to trust him, and he's a genuinely nice guy who befriends everyone.

So I am confused how to handle this. I trust him, so am I wrong to feel annoyed about their friendship? If I'm not, what can I say to him to get him to see how being her friend isn't really fair to her?

TL;DR- My husband is a nice guy and is friends with a coworker who has a crush on him. It's just a platonic relationship to him, but she's reading more into their relationship than there actually is. I think he's accidentally leading her on by going out to lunch with her outside of work, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added in the comments

> Thanks, I probably should have included this in the post, but he is in the Marines. With his coworkers, we're each others houses often, we lived on base with most of them until a few months ago, we go to each others parties and barbecues, our kids are all friends, etc. He's pretty much treating her just like his other coworkers, he regularly goes out to lunch with them too, even female Marines, but none of them are romantically interested in him. A lot of them joke around about how hot he is, but after working with him for a few weeks, they just got used to him and that was it, he was just another Marine to them after that. > > And you're right, I'm concerned. Usually we get along pretty great, if I'm upset, he listens. He is being disrespectful, and if he doesn't listen I'll definitely make an appointment with a counselor. Nothing too terrible has happened yet, and we have 3 soon to be 4 kids, I want them to know their parents have a happy, loving, and respectful marriage. And I just bought that book on kindle, thanks.

Update  Aug 1, 2018 (5 days later)

I tried talking to him about the relationship with Maria soon after I posted that. I told him I'm extremely uncomfortable with him getting closer to her, and he said I don't need to worry, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women so he's ignoring it. So I said that wasn't good enough for me. He was quiet for a second but handed me his phone and said I could look through all 4 months of texts, and they were all work related except for 2 about lunch, which I knew about.

A couple days ago, he got off of work early because I'm pregnant, and he wanted to come to my prenatal visit. He walked in the house, and as soon as he saw me, he started telling me what happened at work that day.

He hadn't told everyone at work I was pregnant yet, so I left it up to him to decide when to tell everyone else. He announced to everyone in the hangar (he's in the Marines and does aircraft maintenance) that we were expecting our 4th child, so that's why he was going to be getting off early to go to a prenatal visit. Everyone congratulated him or made jokes- except for Maria. She was excited to see him and was talking his ear off while they were fixing something, but as soon as she heard we were expecting, she got angry, got an attitude when he asked her to grab a part for him, and spent the rest of the day avoiding him. Their other coworkers noticed this too.

He said he was honestly confused at first, and he thought "Why is she mad? It's not like we're together, I'm married and she knows this." But then it hit him that this wasn't just a friendship to her, and that even though he didn't intend to, he had crossed a line. He kept going back over the past 4 months in his head, wondering what he said and did to let this happen, because he felt like he had treated her like his other friends. And said he knew there were things he shouldn't talk about with her- he never talked about our marital problems-, because he knew confiding in someone like that could lead to problems, and he never touched her, not even a handshake or hug, because he didn't want to lead her on.

Then I showed him the comments on my post. We discussed boundaries and comment about how relationships are based on the intent of both parties- that a friendship is when two people agree to be platonic, but with Maria, he may think they're friend's, but obviously Maria wants more. So if only one person thinks its a friendship, then it's NOT a friendship. He agreed with that, said it made sense, and he's sorry he didn't think of that on his own. He also said he sees how it could appear to be the beginnings of an emotional affair, but promised it wasn't one, he was just an idiot who thought it was possible to be friends with someone who wanted a romantic relationship if he just ignored that part.

I told him I just felt extremely disrespected, especially since he had invited her to our house for a barbecue we are having, and our children and friends/coworkers will be there. He just kept apologizing, and said at the time he didn't fully understand why I was upset because she was just a friend to him, but now he gets it, and she's not invited anymore.

Then he said should have known a friendship can't work if only one person thinks they're friends, apologized for not listening to me and for naively thinking he had everything under control, promised it wouldn't happened again, and said he loved me. We had to leave for my appointment then, but decided in the car that sometime in the next month, we're taking a kid free trip somewhere.

He texted Maria that night that he wanted to keep their relationship professional, which she didn't take so well, so work for him has been interesting for the past couple days, but he said as long as our marriage is strong and I'm happy, he's okay with that. He's planned a date night for this weekend, and his mom's flying in from Norway this month to watch our 3 girls while we go to Las Vegas. So everything is good now. :)

tl/dr: My husband thought having a platonic relationship with a coworker who wanted a romantic relationship was okay. He announced I was pregnant at work, she got angry, and he realized she was so upset because it wasn't just a friendship to her. We discussed why I was so upset and felt disrespected about their friendship, and he said he gets it now, apologized to me, and now we're better and taking a kid free trip to Las Vegas later this month.

FINAL COMMENTS

methylenebluestains

>If Maria continues to throw a fit, ask him to speak to his GySgt and let them know what has been going on. I have no idea if she's the vindictive type, but it's not worth risking his career to find out. They may be able to shift her to a different shop or place him in an admin job (not great for promotions, but it'll mean more free time to help you with the arriving baby)

OOP

>>He talked to him today. He's keeping an eye on it, and a few of the guys he works with are too, so if anything happens, it'll be dealt with immediately.

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AITA for pretending to throw out my girlfriend’s blanket?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post - rareddit  Aug 6, 2024

Throw away cause my girlfriend knows my main account.

I (M26) and my girlfriend (F24) have been together for 6 months now. She is a bit quirky but I decided to take her to introduce her to my parents. Since they live a few hours away, we decided to stay there for a couple days.

Before leaving for our trip I asked my girlfriend (I’ll call her Sam, fake name duh) if she could leave her blanket at home. Backstory on the blanket is that she has had it since she was a kid and claims she can’t sleep well without it. She said she would leave it at home but in a way that made me feel guilty so I caved and told her to bring it.

Fast forward to us staying at my parent’s house and of course she brings the blanket. My mom ended up having to grab something from our room and saw the blanket. When my girlfriend went to the bathroom my mom asked me about it and I explained the situation to her. She and my dad both made a face so I could tell they found it weird too.

A few days ago (during our trip) I decided to take her blanket and throw it in the trunk of my car. When she noticed it missing she asked me about it and I told her I threw it out. She looked devastated and began silently crying. After a while she started throwing things into her bag and when I asked her where she was going she said home. I figured it was cause of the blanket and said “the blanket seriously is more important to you than making a good impression with my parents?” She said yes and made her way outside where a taxi was waiting. I ended up giving her the blanket before she left but she took it from me rather harshly. I asked her if she was still leaving and she said yes. I figured she was taking the taxi home so I said “you’re seriously taking a taxi home over this? That’s gonna cost a thousand dollars.” Her response was “no I’m taking a taxi to the train station because unlike you I’m not a dumbass.” Which was very rude.

When I explained what happened to my parents they said I was an asshole for doing that. I don’t think I was in the wrong because I technically didn’t do anything. It’s been 3 days and I haven’t heard from her since.

Am I the asshole?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MissNikiL

>YTA What on Earth made you think it was your place to even pretend to throw away something she obviously values? Would you try to throw away jewelry that she has an emotional attachment to? Time to do some growing up. Also, welcome to single life again.

OOP

>>Jewelry is different. That’s something normal for adults to have around, a blanket isn’t normal for an adult to have around.

Winter-Art-1951

>>>It's also normal for an adult not to purposely upset their partner but well here we are. 

~

Demonazzzz

> YTA > > As a matter of fact, you’re not only the AH, but you’re a dumb single AH. You don’t have to worry about your ‘gf’ finding this post, as I don’t think you have a gf anymore. > > Where exactly did you think it was a good idea to steal and hide one of the most important things in your ex’s life and lie about throwing it away? > > You did know it was so important, otherwise you wouldn’t have hid it in your trunk, but you would have thrown it out.

OOP

>>I didn’t throw it out because I’m not a monster. I just wanted to prove to her she didn’t need it all the time.

TOP COMMENT

DreamingofRlyeh

> YTA > > You pretended you threw away one of her most treasured possessions. It doesn't matter if it doesn't have value to you. It has value to her, and is something that, once destroyed or lost, cannot ever be replaced. > > Your prank was incredibly cruel. She is likely currently considering whether she wants to continue a relationship with someone who thinks it is funny to make her believe the things she treasures are gone forever. If she decides to stay with you, you owe her a sincere apology. If she chooses to leave you, have the decency to respect that decision.

OOP's ex appeared u/OceansCry

Update  Aug 6, 2024 (Same Day)

Hi dumbass (fake name duh).

Firstly, you really had to come to Reddit to ask this?

Secondly, you continue to be a dumbass! What did I say to you as I got in the taxi? “Never contact me again.” I dumped you, but I guess the “ouchie” you got from me calling you a dumbass was more important.

Thirdly, I blocked you so of course I haven’t answered your texts.

Now for the nuance you left out:

• Yes you did ask me to leave the blanket at home, and I was more than willing to do so but after you insisted it was fine to bring for 2 days (including the day we had the initial conversation) I brought it.

• The blanket was a hand knitted gift from my late aunt. Which you knew.

• Your parents apologized to me for your behaviour because you can’t apologize for yourself.

• I can sleep without the blanket; I just prefer to sleep with it because it’s cozy and allows good air circulation in both warm and cold.

• You’re correct in one thing though, I am childish! I like cartoons, video games, my blanket, and sweets. Theres nothing wrong with that. You’ve known that since day one and used to complement me for being “unapologetically me”.

Thanks for the good laugh this morning though! See you never dumbass.

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My (25F) apartment neighbor (20's M) who I've never talked to brought me medicine, asked me to teach him Japanese, and invited me to dinner tonight followed by Netflixing Japanese shows at his apartment.

Original Post  ** Aug 21, 2018**

So I was taking a mental health day because I'm already dealing with some drama between this guy I'm seeing and me. I woke up at noon, took a shower at 2 and was dozing off in my bed again when someone knocks on my door twice (I ignored it the first time), and it was my neighbor. I only saw him once when I was moving in.

I scrambled to the door looking like absolute shit, and I didn't even recognize him at first because I hadn't seen him in person in a year. He hands me a Taiwanese herbal medicine jar and says it's a gift for me because he hears me sneezing and coughing all the time (true, I have major dust allergy to the point of having hypoallergenic pillowcases and an air purifier next to my bed running every night).

He says he was wondering if I could teach him Japanese. I was like sure, and we stepped out and talked on the balcony of our building for like 10 minutes. He asked me if I wanted to get dinner TODAY, and then go over to his place next door afterwards to watch Japanese TV shows/movies/animes or whatever.

I said sure, because I literally have nothing better to do except sulk and watch people cry on Bachelor in Paradise, and then cry myself. I told him that I'm not absolutely 100% fluent to the point of reading government documents or scientific papers in Japanese, but I am able to read the newspaper, write decently, understand everything I see and hear, and converse. And he said that's perfect and that he just wants to get better at Japanese and thought he'd ask me because he knew I was Japanese by my first name. I also told him I have never taught anyone Japanese, even in a casual, way, so it might take some time to figure out what'll work for us, and he was like, sure.

We both go to the same school for grad school in completely different fields, and so I assume he's also in his mid-20's. Aside from that and his full name, I don't know anything about him.

I don't want to mess up a cordial relationship with my literal neighbor by bringing up something like "I just want to make sure you're interested in getting to know me as a friend, and not anything more", but I know that's the right thing to do. Should I do that sooner rather than later? Or just wait and see what happens and then clarify the situation? I need this to end up being a good friendship, or at the very least something that is cordial and not awkward, sexual, romantic, or anything like that.

Also, I feel like he might be into guys because I always see and hear all these different guys going to his apartment (like knocking at 11:00PM at night). But I'm not certain.

What do you recommend I do? When should I bring up the "confirming" conversation about his intentions?

TL;DR: Neighbor who's around my age, and only met once, suddenly knocks on my door bringing me some medicine because he hears me sneezing all the time. He then asks me to teach him Japanese, and then he invites me out to dinner. I don't want to have an awkward relationship end up happening with my neighbor of all people, so I want to know when the best time to bring up the topic of "what are your intentions" would be. Thanks.

TOP COMMENTS

L0nelyWr3ck

>The sooner you let him know what you're looking for, the better off both of you will be.

~

Traeyze

> Does seem he is keen. Still, he is really riding the racial angle which is usually not a great thing. > > The typical response is the bf namedrop. Like you mention in passing your bf's opinion on a topic you are discussing or whatever. Say this guy brings up anime you say 'my boyfriend likes it too, especially Naruto' or whatever. You'll work out pretty quickly if you've hit a nerve or not. Try and make it subtle or incidental and say it as casually as possible, etc.

Update in comments. thank you for your responses everyone, I really appreciate them.

Update  Aug 22, 2018 (Next Day)

Update: Thanks for the responses everyone. I actually don't have a boyfriend. The guy I'm seeing is just a "guy I'm seeing". So I can't necessarily use that "my bf....." technique (although now I don't have to, you can read on).

We ended up going to dinner and he paid for me, and internally I was like "FML", and I did offer to pay twice but he still insisted. So I took the free food. After eating we went back to our building, and he told me he will let me know when he's done setting up his projector and that I can come over. I was like sure. When I went over, HIS ENTIRE APARTMENT WAS DARK WITH TWO SWEETLY SCENTED CANDLES LIT, AND AN ANIME MOVIE PROJECTED ON THE WALL, CURTAINS ALL SHUT.

I ended up telling him that I just want to talk and get acquainted more, and so that's what we did. So I asked him to turn on the lights. The conversation went well and I found out he's 29. He's really worldly, decently good at English, and I can tell he's smart. It was fun talking about our neighbors and learning about them - I don't know much about anyone in our little building.

At the end I told him that I wanted to make sure that he knows I'm not interested in anything sexual or romantic, and he was like yeah I'm super busy and I didn't even consider that when he came to say hi today. And I told him that I was really freaked out by the candles and the darkness. And he said lmao I didn't even realize how weird it was, because he needs it to be dark to watch things using the projector and the candles were to make it slightly lighter. He said he thinks it might have been less creepy if he had the lights on at first and apologized for that. Idk how much of that is BS but it was good to get on the same page. I also asked him if he was into guys or girls and he said girls, lol.

So that's that. I didn't want to post a whole new update thread but I still wanted to notify everyone who took the time to respond - or if you stumbled on my thread just now, this is the latest!

I feel like after reading the comments, though, I should still be a bit wary or keep it cordial and not let it get BFF-like. I still don't know him that well. Please, if you have any thoughts, I'd still really appreciate them.

Update 2: He texted me this morning saying "sorry for creepy impression" and that he didn't even think about how it could be creepy. That his American friends use candles in their homes all the time and so he's been trying to do the same. And that he wants to hang out again when I have a day off.

FINAL COMMENTS

IAmIAmNotIAmAmI

>I’ve mostly just been skimming, but I wonder if it’s maybe a comraderie of some sort? That is, you’re Japanese, he’s Taiwanese, and he’s feeling a little alone?

OOP

>>Yeah I definitely got the sense he's kind of lonely. He was telling me he likes to practice his English speaking through small talk, and has met most of the tenants of our apartment building which is on the small side. And he has friends that he mentions wanting to do Chinese new year parties with and stuff. He just seems like someone who wants to connect with his literal neighbor. I think the "teach me Japanese" thing was just a way to start talking.

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AITA: For not knowing a candle wasn’t supposed to be lit?(it had wicks)

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Leaving a lit candle unattended/fire hazard!<

Original Post  Oct 12, 2024

I went to the bathroom last night and it was stinky. So, being the considerate boyfriend I am I lit the candle my gf left on top of the toilet, and then we went to walk the dogs. The candle looked like most scented candles I’ve seen. Round glass, tan colored wax inside, smelled good, HAD F*ING WICKS. We get back, smoke alarm is going off, house is cloudy but no worse than burning food in the oven. Smokes worse in the bathroom so I blowout the candle and she tells me you’re not supposed to light that candle. WTF, why would it have wicks? Why would she put it on top of the toilet? To me it’s like having a doormat you’re not supposed to step on in front of your door. Do most guys know about this? She seems mad at me, but I told her it’s crazy to do that. Am I the asshole?

TOP COMMENTS

YTA

> "So, being the considerate boyfriend I am I lit the candle my gf left on top of the toilet, and then we went to walk the dogs." > > Wrong question in your post header. Doesn't matter if you made a mistake about whether the candle was one you should light. > > never, ever leave a burning candle unattended. > > Ever.

~

Global_Lock2821

> Dude, NEVER leave a candle lit in a room you’re not staying in but especially NOT WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING THE HOUSE. > > Your gf might’ve wanted the candle bc it was pretty— and you can pick it up to smell it. Yes, I can see why you thought it could be lit. But that takes a back-seat to lighting it and then leaving the house. > > YTA.

~

Commenter

>Was there a lighter or matches in the bathroom? If yes, it would be logical to assume the candle is for using. If not, it's for decoration. So, now I'm wondering, where did you get the lighter?

OOP

>>On the counter, next to a candle that had been used to the point where it’s difficult to light without burning my hand

~

LucidThot

>Did anyone say this guy is an asshole for leaving with the candle lit yet?

OOP

>>This is the kind of response I would leave, cheers

Edit: aside from the obvious that I shouldn’t have left with it lit, I take responsibility for that. If all other scented candles are fair game(except if they’re “out of season”, she doesn’t like the house to smell too much like dogs so she likes when I do. The big question here is why tf are there wicks in a decorative candle your going to put above a toilet and not tell me it’s off limits?

Edit 2: a accept I am the asshole, but still fck those candles

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Edit 3: holy shit y’all know how to beat a dead horse. I get it, IM AN AH FOR LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH IT. I’ve accepted that. I will be sure to never do it again. Now try imagining the question as in I lit it and sat down on the couch and then it started smoking. AITA then? Gf and I share candles, share a household, and share the financial responsibility for these. They are not “hers” they’re “ours”. This question was just supposed to be about how in the hell I was supposed to, without being told, know that there was a fake candle I shouldn’t have lit? The label doesn’t even say anything, just “hand poured wax.

Final Edits/Updated Posted the Next Day Oct 13, 2024/Same Post

Final edit: it IS a fucking candle, like a candle candle. I’ve been at work all night but I got home and just looked at the bottom. Instructions say “trim wick to 1/4” before lighting”. I did not do this as being the apparent caveman I see candle, I light candle. She’s asleep so I can’t rub it in her face after she said “that candle isn’t supposed to be lit, they’re not meant for that”, but this is all I need. Am I the asshole for leaving it lit for a quick piss walk before bed with her and the dogs YES. Am an asshole for thinking this stupid thing was in fact a candle NO. The cutting the wick thing was ignorance for not thinking the protective lid that usually comes with a plastic peel around it would’ve prevented someone from lighting it otherwise and they probably should make the damn things ready to go. Here’s a lesson to anyone out there about to light a candle, apparently they have instructions. I now know she was wrong and we never got into a major fight so I will humbly and in the least petty way just leave the candle upside down next the sink so when she wakes up first to brush her teeth she can know that this candle was in fact meant to be lit, and that I was right. I can’t add links or pics here but it’s called Mermaid Shimmer from At Home. I may be dumb but I can hang my hat up knowing I had every right to light it. Good night to all, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

For real last update: I was tipsy and kidding about actually doing that petty stuff though it did cross my mind. I will go to At Home tomorrow and buy her the same candle and put it back atop the toilet. If you’ve read anything I’ve said I have certainly learned my lesson about leaving candles unattended. I will also apologize and ask that she either cut off the wicks or tell me when she has a candle she doesn’t want used as this is a first time thing. We’re fine. Since this candle is already “ruined” however, I will be damned if I don’t burn the rest of that fucker down to bottom, after trimming the wicks of course.

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My [22F] boyfriend [22M] of one year deleted my departmental honors thesis that's due in five days

Original Post  Apr 27, 2016

Jake and I started dating in March of our junior year. We've been friends since freshman year ever since we met in the same freshman writing seminar. We're seniors in college now, and we're about to graduate.

For as long as I can remember, Jake has always teased me about being really into my schoolwork. Academics has always been my #1 priority, and I work really hard at it because it's what I love to do. In contrast, Jake doesn't care about schoolwork that much. He likes to party and socialize, and he's a huge procrastinator. He's very intelligent, but also lazy and unmotivated. It has always irritated me, especially because he makes fun of me since my nose is always in a book, but at the same time I consider him to be a nice break from my schoolwork. I'm fairly introverted and he has always encouraged me to go out, talk to people, etc. We're good friends, and when we started dating, it felt like I was dating one of my best friends.

As a senior, I've decided to do independent work for departmental honors, which is basically a thesis program that benefits my application to graduate school. I've been working at it for a year now, and I just finished writing my seventy six-page thesis last week. I'm very proud of my efforts. I present my thesis to a committee in five days, and they'll determine whether or not I receive departmental honors.

Jake's teasing about my academic habits are nothing new, but over the past few months he's gotten irritated with me for them. This year I have been especially busy with school, and on top of my job and my clubs I haven't had as much time to socialize as I did in the past. Jake believes that I don't spend enough time with him. We have dinner together three or four nights a week, and I always see him on the weekends because we have the same friends. We also have a private date night every two or three weekends. I don't live with him, so maybe that's part of the reason why he's complaining, but he has become increasingly annoyed with the amount of time I've been spending on my thesis. He doesn't seem to understand how important it is to me and how much work I've put into it. Every time I bring it up, he says I'm using it as a crutch and an excuse to not spend time with him. This is obviously untrue, but I can't convince him that our relationship is still important to me. He's also annoyed that I don't go out anymore. Whenever I hang out with him or our friends, I like to stay home because I'm tired from the week that just happened and I want to relax. I try to make our nights in fun, I cook dinner for us and we watch movies or play games, but he says that it's not enough and that he wants to go out like we used to. He doesn't understand why I'm so tired. A few times he's blown our date nights off to go out with his friends, and I stay in with mine, and although I know why he wants to go out, I think it's unfair for him to call me boring because I'm tired.

Last week, I told Jake that I finished my thesis, and his response was "Thank God, now you can stop burying your head in your homework and spend time with me." I told him for possibly the millionth time that my thesis was very important to me, but he cut me off saying "I know, I know, you never shut up about it. Sorry. I'll stay in with you tonight." and we did. It wasn't fun, though, because I felt very upset that his only response to me being proud about my accomplishment was an insult. Before he left, I told him that I wanted to talk about our conflict, but as soon as he heard that, he grabbed his coat and walked out as quickly as he could. He's always been avoidant about any issues in our relationship that I want us to talk about, but he had never walked out on me before.

Yesterday afternoon, one of my friends from back home was in town, and I had plans to get lunch with her. When I got back to my apartment, Jake was waiting there, and he was extremely angry that he had come over to take me out for lunch only to find that I wasn't there. He instantly accused me of working on my thesis even though I had already finished it. I tried explaining to him where I had been, but he didn't want to hear it. He left before I could say another word.

Last night, I came back from a long time at the library, and I logged onto my desktop computer to look over my thesis. It wasn't there. I panicked. I checked in my Dropbox. It wasn't there. I really started freaking out by that point, but then I remembered that I have it saved on two different flash drives. I felt really relieved.

My friend and roommate Bridget (22F) came in because she could hear me freaking out, so I explained the situation to her. At this point I was thinking that Jake had come in to my room, logged onto my computer, and deleted my thesis, but I really didn't want to consider the possibility. I asked Bridget if Jake had been over since that afternoon, and she told me that he had stopped by around dinnertime. He told her "I was having dinner with Cara and she spilled food all over her clothes, so I'm just stopping by to grab some new clothes for her." She said okay, he headed into my room, came out a few minutes later with some of my clothes, and left. What Jake said was obviously a lie. I didn't have dinner with him last night. He must've come over to log onto my computer and delete my thesis because he was still angry about the whole incident at lunchtime. When I explained this to Bridget, she got really angry and demanded that I call him over here right now so she could kick his ass. I said no, don't do that, etc. I calmed her down, we went to bed, and I have decided to post this morning because I wanted to give myself some time to cool off since I was fucking pissed last night and I didn't want to do anything I would regret later.

I haven't spoken to Jake since lunchtime yesterday. I'm lucky my thesis is okay, but how do I talk to Jake? We were really happy together when we first started dating, but after this entire issue, I'm starting to wonder if he's actually good for me or not. Bridget instantly said "Break up with him", and if you guys agree with her, how do I go about doing that, especially since it revolves around the issue of him deleting my departmental honors thesis? Does anyone have any insight into this?

tl;dr: Over the past few months, my boyfriend has gotten increasingly annoyed with how much time I've been spending on my departmental honors thesis, and I have reason to believe that last night he deleted it. My thesis is okay, I have it saved on two flash drives, but how do I go about talking to my boyfriend about this?

edit: added Bridget's gender and age

EDIT 2: Hey, everyone, I'm in class right now and I just checked and I can't believe there's 300+ comments, I will read all of them as soon as I can, but yeah I'm in class so that's why I haven't been responding. I plan on posting an update for those of you who want one.

EDIT 3: I'm out of class and I was about to respond to everyone but the post got locked. Just so everyone knows, I'm going to break up with him.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/llamasandkittens

My girlfriend [28F] is pissed that I [29M] gave my ex [28F] money, even though it was more for my son [5M]

Original Post  Apr 26, 2016

Not entirely sure whether this is the right place to post but I'm being told two different things and I would like some insight. Carrie is my ex girlfriend, she and I have a 5 year old son together. Even though she and I couldn't make things work between us we do our best to coparent, and next week is our son's spring break. Normally I would have him that week but I'm not able to get off work, and when I told Carrie this she was disappointed but understood. So to make up for it I offered to pay for her and my son to go someplace for that week, and Carrie talked to him and he decided on Harry Potter world at universal studios, it's only a couple hours drive so we agreed.

I wrote a check to Carrie (obviously I would not make it out to my son because he's 5 and doesn't have a bank account) for the cost of tickets and a hotel, and even though she said I didn't have to I added some extra for food and souvenirs. What's the point of going to a fun place if you have to eat only PBJs and can't bring anything back with you, right? I made a record of it in my ledger and thought that was that.

This is where my girlfriend Anna comes in. Anna and I have been together for 9 months. We don't live together but she spends a lot of time at my house and I spend a lot of time at hers. Yesterday while she was over, we got into a fight because she saw my ledger and saw that I wrote a check to Carrie. I explained what it was for and Anna said that there was no excuse for me giving her that much money on top of the child support I pay, especially since it was higher than the cost of tickets and a hotel, and if it was really for my son why did I record that I made the check out to Carrie.

Then Anna said she's sick of me constantly giving money to Carrie on top of child support. I do sometimes give money to Carrie, but it's definitely not 'constantly' and it's only when my son needs something, not just like for her to go shopping. Like a few weeks ago my son wanted to sign up for soccer day camp over the summer, but Carrie had to say no because she wasn't going to have the money by the time it would be due, and she mentioned it to me so I offered to pay (it was only $75). Or when my son was outgrowing his bed, instead of making him wait while she saved I just bought him a new one (it was from ikea so not expensive). Things like that. The one time since we broke up that I did personally give Carrie money was when she needed help on medical bills, she doesn't have health insurance and was in the hospital with an infection, so I paid half the bill (IIRC i paid like $240 and I paid them directly), but that was before I was even with Anna and I still consider that to be for my son, because Carrie's his primary caretaker and if she's not healthy then that upsets his routine. But Anna brought that up too and threw it in my face.

Now to be clear, Anna an I have been discussing moving in together, but no plans have been made and we do not combine our finances. Anna said I'm enabling Carrie to be irresponsible with money and that I'm 'prioritizing' Carrie over her. I would say if I'm prioritizing anyone it's my son. I'm not going to be prideful and refuse to give my ex money that would benefit my son. I pay child support monthly but shit happens and I have the means, whereas Carrie struggles a little. And Carrie has always shown me receipts and stuff (I trust her but I guess it just gives her peace of mind, whatever floats her boat) so it's not like she's telling me she needs money for my son and then spending it on herself, she'd never do something like that.

I told Anna that my son comes first and if Carrie needs help with him in any way then I have to do it if I can. She said that my son would not suffer for not going to Harry Potter world and that I was just paying because I felt guilty about having to work. then accused me of still loving Carrie. I guess I'll always have a special place for her because we have a child together but I definitely don't LOVE her.

I mentioned this to my mom (not the fight with Anna, the Harry Potter world thing) and asked if I was in the wrong, she said no and that I was nice to treat my son. Then Anna tells me I wouldn't be wrong to treat my son but the amount I gave Carrie was way too much. I don't really know what to think. Maybe Anna would have a point if our finances were combined but they're not. Anyone have any insight? I love Anna but I feel like the underlying reason is that she feels I could have spent that money on her, sometimes she can act a little spoiled.

Tl;dr my girlfriend is upset that I'm paying for my ex and our son to go on a trip, says I shouldn't be giving ex so much money but I feel it's justified because it's for my son, not my ex personally

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Did Ana know about the trip?

>I told Anna about the trip but I guess I didn't find it necessary to discuss the cost with her because we don't combine our finances. If we did then I would have let her know beforehand but I still would have paid for the trip because like I said my son comes first

OOP provides the cost he he paid for

>$450 for tickets (it's the pass where they can jump from park to park), $300 for a hotel (so it won't be like a fancy resort, probably just a Holiday inn or something), plus $200 for souvenirs/food. So I just rounded up to an even $1000. Carrie will pay for gas. That amount of money doesn't even make a dent in my savings plus this will be the first real vacation my son's ever taken, other than weekend fishing trips with me

How did Ana see the ledger?

>It was on my desk so not hidden or anything but I definitely didn't invite her to look at it

Update  May 19, 2016 (Nearly 1 month later)

I know this sub likes updates so I thought I'd go ahead and post one now that everything is resolved. I'm the guy who wrote his ex, Carrie, a check so that she could take our son to Harry Potter World over spring break, since I was supposed to have him that week and ended up having to work. My girlfriend of 9 months, Anna, was mad at me for doing that because she thought it meant I was still in love with Carrie and that I was prioritizing Carrie over her.

So after I read all the responses you guys gave, which I really appreciated, I was pretty sure I was going to break up with Anna, but I wanted to at least talk to her first because if she was apologetic then the relationship might have been worth salvaging. She came over and I told her that my son would always come first, and that I'm not prioritizing Carrie over her, it's just that if Carrie needs help with my son I have to help her. I also said that yes, I did feel guilty about not being able to take my son that week, but it was my money to spend because our finances aren't combined, and that she didn't have any right to look at my ledger in the first place.

Anna responded pretty much how I thought she would, she burst into tears and said that clearly I still loved Carrie if I was writing her checks and constantly giving her money. So she actually didn't listen to anything I said. I told her I was sorry but this wasn't going to work out, and for about a week she kept calling me to try to get me to change my mind. I realize now I probably either need to date women who fully understand up front that helping my ex with my son doesn't mean I still love her, or women who have children themselves. I feel like Anna was maybe a little immature, but I think she also just didn't have any experience dating guys with kids. My son loved Harry Potter World, he got his own wand and brought me one too, and was so excited to show me all the pictures he took, and Carrie had a great time too. I was a little sad about the breakup with Anna, but when I saw how happy my son was, I knew I made the right decision. When he's out of school for the summer he's going to spend a week with me so Carrie can have some time to herself, so there are no hard feelings there. All's well that ends well. Thanks for all your advice, I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing but Anna just made such a federal case out of it that I started to doubt whether I was being incosiderate of her. But really she was being inconsiderate of me, and my son by extension.

tl;dr my girlfriend wouldn't stop insisting that I still loved Carrie so I broke up with her, my son loved Harry Potter world so I knew I did the right thing

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bnbn89

My GF [27F] often refuses to respect my safe word. How can I once and for all address this issue with her?

Originally posted to r/sex

TRIGGER WARNING: >!sexual abuse!<

Original Post  June 14, 2016

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

Lilly is my first GF and we've been together for two years now. For the most part it's been great. After a while we started discussing what we're into sexually and after some exploring it turns out I like pain and being restrained and some other jazz. It gets pretty rough but I usually enjoy it.. being whipped with a belt, scratched and tying me up.

The problem is there are times when I use our safe word (Spumoni) when she's using the belt on my back, or when she's tied me up and I need the restraints loosened. She just keeps going or says just another few minutes, or sometimes pretends not to hear me at all.. it hurts a lot with this stuff and that extra time turns it from pleasure to pain which i can't enjoy. She usually says a half sorry but sometimes tells me 'I'm her's'.. i know I'm submissive in the bedroom with her but that to me is too much.

So.. how do I really stop this? its at a point where I feel anxious on a regular basis which is draining. I'm also starting to resent this woman who has taught me so much and given 2 great years so I don't want to end it.. just fix it. Thanks for any advice

RELEVANT COMMENTS

s_e_x_throwaway

>Cut her off. No more BDSM until she learns to respect your safeword. Consent is the ONLY thing separating BDSM from abuse. She's abusing you.

OOP

>>My dad used to abuse me.. so associating that word with my gf just feels so wrong, but I suppose you're right. I'll speak to her when she gets home. Thank you

maelstrom197

>>>It's definitely abuse. Ignoring the safe word suggests she is putting her own enjoyment before your comfort, which is wrong.

~

ijfuego

>Is this her first go around being dominant and stuff? Was she inexperienced before you? I get where everyone is coming from about dumping her, but it's entirely possible she's ignoring your safe word because she thinks you want her to. If she's doing this stuff for the first time, she really has no way of knowing where the line is, or how to distinguish a genuine withdrawal of consent (no, or the safe word), from regular sexual bdsm play. If she's had experience with bdsm before then I'm less inclined to trust her. But if you're the one that introduced this universe to her in the first place, I think you owe it to her to make sure she understands what she is doing.

OOP

>>She's fairly experienced sexually, and actually helped guide me when we first started with it so unfortunately that isn't the reason. Also when the safe word was established that was certainly seen as the limit

ijfuego

>>>Ah then she's definitely doing it intentionally and knowingly then. I'd be prepared to dump her

~

jkcoffeehound

> The obvious and clearest solution here for me, would be to dump her. Just like everyone else is saying; consent is what makes BDSM different to abuse and she IS abusing you. However, while I do think the best plan of action here is to dump her or to give up on bdsm with her I can also see how these are suggestions that some people in a committed relationship might not go for. There's a reason abusive relationships can go on for years. For that reason, as the solution I would go for might not be one everyone would take I have a couple alternatives you can try. > > 1) Call the cops. Or at least threaten to. Next time you're getting ready, remind her that you NEED her to respect your safeword and tell her that if she doesn't you're going to call the cops because it's abuse. If she still doesn't stop when you say "Spumoni" then the MOMENT you know that she's ignored you or refused or whatever you tell her you're calling the cops. Be loud, be confrontational, stand your ground and the moment you're free you go get the phone. > > 2)Scream for help. Next time she ignores you, scream the ****ing house down. "Help. Oh, God, help! HELP ME! ET CETERA!" as loud as you can. If the fear of the neighbours hearing doesn't stop her then the neighbours/cops will be over for a visit and you'll have to explain to them what happened. If that happens she's probably going to want to avoid that happening again. > > 3) Don't use restraints you can't get out of yourself. That way, if she does carry on anyway you can untie yourself and force her off you. (Side note: Thanks for causing me to look up "Spumoni". It sounds delicious)

OOP

>>No problem..It is really delicious. I'm going to talk to her assertively later on, the thought of having sex with her at the moment makes my stomach turn so don't think that would be a good idea. Its just she has a way with words and seems to always be able to convince me it either won't happen again, or I wasn't clear enough. I'll try push through it this time Thank you

~

HunkaChunkaCheese

>Holy shit. This is NOT okay. You can't trust her. Honestly? I'd break up over this. You can't trust a person that doesn't respect you when you say STOP, HARD STOP, KNOCK IT OFF. You shouldn't feel anxious on a regular basis, this is your brain's way of screaming at you "LEAVE, ABORT, STOP, GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION." Do you really want to be with a woman who you can't trust? Trust is the most vital part of a relationship, and you can't trust her at all. Also, are you familiar with sunk cost fallacy? Don't think "well, we've been together two years" as some excuse for why you should continue to be together. Just because you've been together a while doesn't mean you have to continue being with her. She is inherently not trustworthy, she is doing things to your body that you do not want done. Switch the genders around, and pretend that a female friend is telling you about how her boyfriend continues doing BDSM stuff even after she has very clearly said her safe word- what would you think then? Do you think she should continue in a relationship like that?

OOP

>>I would advise that friend to leave as soon as she could.. Guess I have some thinking to do. Thank you

Update  June 17, 2016 (3 days later)

This got longer than I thought so there's tldr at the bottom.

A few people asked me for an update on what happened so I thought I’d give one now that I’ve settled down a bit. Also want say a big thank to everyone who responded. I got so much advice and a lot of blunt answers which made me realise things I should’ve seen earlier. And one last thing I’d like to mention before I say what happened; I know I should’ve realised what was happening, but it felt really cloudy as it was going on. I didn’t realise what was happening had been more of a gradual process like her temper, then eventually walking on egg shells to avoid setting her off and finally the issues in the bedroom, (there were so many great things about her as well).

Anyway. a few hours after posting and reading, I knew breaking up was my only option but that scared the shit out of me, so I stalled until morning and tried finding reasons to stay but I couldn’t. I knew if I didn’t do it while it was fresh I wouldn’t be able to leave at at all. I waited until she went to work in the morning and put my stuff in my car (I don’t own a lot of stuff). Then I started writing down what I needed to say which took a while, text her that we need to talk and asked if she could come home for lunch. I know this is dragging on so I’ll try surmise how the rest went; I explained I’ve been uncomfortable with our sex life, her anger issues and then told her I can’t be with her any longer. Her response kind of surprised me; she blamed me for not being a proper sub and respecting her dominance in the bedroom and said she’s going to reduce her temper and we will stay together ect.

This led to some crying and shouting which was awful but I stood firm. Some other stuff happened which I don’t want to go into but I eventually got out and was able to drive off. I think it’s done but I have so many texts and missed calls from her that I’m ignoring. As for the living situation, I was living in her house so no issues with the lease or anything. I’ve managed to sleep a couple of nights in my uni library and think I’ll go home to my mum’s house tomorrow or the next day.

So that’s that it in terms of of our relationship I hope. I know I’ve asked a lot already, but there’s a bit of advice I’d be grateful for. I thought I’d be happy now that I’m free. but I’m sad, embarrassed, feeling angry with myself for being abused by a second person in my life and straight up stupid for not leaving earlier. Also I don’t really feel like much of a man after all this. How can I forget about this and move on?

Tldr: left but feel pretty awful about the whole thing

FINAL COMMENTS

boefs

> "Some other stuff happened which I don’t want to go into but I eventually got out and was able to drive off." > > if she physically abused you, you should definitely go to the police.

OOP

>>To be honest I feel humiliated/exhasuted enough as it is.. reporting her for the sake of being punched a few times just doesn't seem worth it now that I'm out of there

JackKieser

>>>Think of it this way: you're not reporting her for you. You're reporting her for the poor soul she tries punching or abusing in the future

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/writerboyfriend

Me [25F] with my boyfriend [27M] of two years, his writing has changed how I think of him and I don't know what to do

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Gaslighting!<

Original Post  Feb 23, 2016

Chris and I met in college where we spent a few years as friends, finally getting together after I graduated. We both were english majors and wrote for the student's literary paper. We definitely connected over writing, which makes me feel worse now that my feelings have changed.

After dating a year we decided to move in together, and about six months after that Chris quit his job to write his novel series full time. It's been tough at times, but Chris is very passionate about his novels. He was working on the first novel before we started dating, so I knew this was a big thing for him going in. His first novel is finished now and he is shopping it around to different publishers while working on the next two (series of six). I loved the first book and was very supportive. Chris really is a very talented writer. But maybe being closer to his writing process this time has sort of...soured me to his writing.

Chris uses things I say and observations I've made in his writing. I'm sometimes not sure if he remembers that I said these things in the first place. These almost always are coming through the protagonist. When I mentioned it while reading over one of his chapters in a "Oh that's cute I said that!" sort of way, he just really shortly said "Writers draw from life." He reacts kind of coldly when I point these things out. In particular, there is this idiom that I use fairly frequently that is somewhat unique (I don't personally know anyone else who says it except my late grandmother). The protagonist did not use this idiom at all in his first book, but does in the second and third. Chris insists that he did not get this from me, but I find that so hard to believe. On another occasion, one of Chris's friends who also reads his drafts commented on the main character's insight, specifically referencing a line which is very similar to something I said. Chris even confirmed when I read the chapter that it was from me. In front of his friend, he just says he writes from experience. I'm not sure why I thought that he would tell his friend that the line came from me, or if it's fair that I was annoyed he didn't.

The biggest sticking point for me is that back in college I wrote fanfiction (lol) and had a particular character that was a unique subversion to a fantasy trope. I'm sure I can't be the only person who ever thought of it, but Chris read my fanfiction and was well aware that I was proud of this character. The other night he showed me a new chapter that features my character idea with a different gender. I immediately said something and Chris denied that he had gotten the idea from me. He said he remembered my character only when prompted and didn't even think about it while writing this character. He got mad when I was incredulous and stormed out of our apartment. I've dropped the subject since. I don't read or write fanfiction anymore, much less actually use this character, so it doesn't seem like something to fight over.

I just don't want to read his chapters anymore, but he begs me to give him feedback and check his grammar, sometimes restructure entire chapters to flow better. I never minded doing this before because I liked his writing, but now I see it as cheap. And I kind of feel that he's a little cheap, too. Is it worth trying to talk to him about? Should I just forget about it and distance myself from editing his drafts?

   tl;dr: My boyfriend lifts things from me for his writing, and I'm not sure how petty I'm being about it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

justanotherwiki

>Are you annoyed because he won't credit you as the person who he heard these phrases from or that he uses them?

OOP

>>It's more that he acts annoyed when I bring it up. If he just said something like "Yeah, thanks for the line babe" it would be one thing. He gets defensive instead, or credits me very reluctantly. He once used a description I gave him when I was trying to explain what living with anxiety and depression was like for me, and seemed very aggravated when I noticed it. I don't expect footnotes or anything like that.

OOP explains more on the stolen stories

>It's not always minor turns of phrases. Once he asked me about how it is for me living with depression and anxiety. He later used my description almost word for word in a chapter. It was a paragraph and a half, not just a throwaway line. I brought it up by saying that I remembered us having that conversation and he was aggravated and gave me the silent treatment. It's the reaction he has to me mentioning it that bothers me.

Why isn't the BF working a part-time job?

> He did have a part time job, but he wanted to focus all his effort into writing. He didn't tell me until after he quit. He mentioned that he might look into driving for Uber but I haven't heard anything else about it. He keeps stressing that this will be temporary but can't give me a timeline. > > & > > I wasn't happy about it, that's for sure. Money has been tight lately. I've almost drained all my savings. He thinks his book will get picked up soon, so he just tells me it's temporary.

Update  Apr 25, 2016 (2 months later)

Hi everyone. I had a couple of people pm me for an update, so here it is.

After my last post, I decided to approach Chris again about getting a job. Your responses made me realize I was upset about the smaller issue, while kind of ignoring the glaring one. I thought we could have a conversation about my concerns and maybe even start working on updating his resume together. He did not respond well at all. He started by repeating that his book would be picked up any day now. I stayed firm and didn't let him drop the subject or brush me off. Once Chris realized I wasn't going to back down again, he got angry. He kept talking about his responsibility to his art and how I could never understand that. I got pissed and told him that we both have a responsibility to our household and I was tired of him taking advantage of me.

He started calling me names and telling me cruel things, definitely trying to hit all my insecurities. Basically that no one will ever love me but him etc etc. At one point he let it slip that he had been reading my journal. I finally told him we were done and he needed to get out. Even if he got a job, I could never look at him the same way again. He stormed off and stayed with a friend I think. I'm not sure.

Things have gotten better now, but the break up was very difficult at first. He did not respect my request for no contact and was texting me from friends phones (asking for me back and then berating me). I just kept blocking numbers and moving on with my life. Apparently he is still posting about me on Facebook, but whatever. He moved in with two patrons of the arts aka his parents.

In other news, I expanded my crafting business and it's doing well!! I'm also considering adopting some pet rats for company. Sometimes I get lonely in this apartment by myself and I don't have much of a social life anymore. Just keep swimming, I guess.

Thanks for all the help.

Tl;dr We broke up. There was drama, but it's over.

FINAL COMMENTS

lonnielee3

>Good for you, OP.  repeating that his book would be picked up any day now  a little bit delusional, is he?  Reminds me of my roommie saying LittleBrown has asked her to send them her book.  She was entering a contest. 

OOP

>> Oh yeah, his book will get picked up any day (any of them!) and it will become a smash hit and I will be very very sorry I dared leave someone so talented and successful. >> >> I was so close to texting him back with that gif of Liz Lemon rolling her eyes.

[deleted]

>Even if he was successful there is no guarentee he would have been more committed to the relationship, he could get his book published and say, hey I am successful, I want to go have fun and not be in a relationship.

OOP

>>Right? He said those things like it would get me to take him back. Even if he does make a million off his series, I know who he is now.

~

-purple-is-a-fruit-

>I'm guessing the next book will be slow going now that he can't crib from your life anymore. Or it will be about this awful woman who didn't believe in her awesome boyfriend. And also she read his diary. So he dumped her because she didn't understand his art.

OOP

>>My journal didn't contain a bunch of secrets or anything. More like sketches, lists and notes, some dried flower art. I'd tried to show him things in it in the past and he was completely uninterested. Turns out he just already knew what was in it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bobiscoming

Me [27 M] with my fiancee [26 F] together for 5 years, wants me to give up martial arts before we get married

TRIGGER WARNING: >!controlling behavior, property destruction!<

Original Post  May 11, 2016

Me and Jenny have been together for 5 years. She's truly the one I wish to spend the rest of my life with. 3 months ago I asked her to marry me and obviously she said yes.

I've been doing martial arts for around 11 years. I train 6 days a week with 2 of those days dedicated to lifting. This has never been a problem between me and Jenny, she's watched me compete and has encouraged me the whole time.

Then we got engaged. I can't remember how exactly it came up, but she sat me down maybe two weeks after we got engaged and asked me if I could stop practicing martial arts. I asked why and she said that if we're getting married she feels like she should see me more and that she's not happy with the amount of time we spend together. I mentioned that it's never been a problem before and she couldn't seem to give a genuine reason why it is now.

Now, when I go to train, she gets moody and immature, giving me the cold shoulder when I get home. She refused to come and watch me at my latest competition, something she has always made time to do.

I leave at 9AM and the latest I usually get home is 8/9 and I spend the whole evening with her, and then we usually go out on weekends after I've trained on Saturday morning.

I've tried speaking to her about what's changed but I can't seem to get anything out of her. I really want to marry this girl but I can't be expected to give up what was perfectly acceptable before we got engaged.

Does anyone have any advice on what this could be? Am I missing something here?

EDIT: To clarify my schedule: Leave house at 9AM Work for 9:30 Leave work 5:00 (if on time) Gym/Dojo for 5:30 Train Till 8:00/8:30 Home for 9 Both of us agreed along time ago that neither of us want kids. They're just not for us.

tl;dr: Been training in martial arts for 11 years, fiancee wants me to give it up before we get married and can't explain why.

TOP COMMENTS

tree_hugging_hippie

> 'The whole evening' after 9 pm is not much time at all, and hanging around the house watching tv or whatever is not quality time spent with your partner.  It sounds like you really only have quality time once a week, and it's pretty understandable that she's not happy with that. > > On the other hand, it's not really reasonable for her to expect you to give up martial arts entirely.  She knew that this was something you were heavily involved it throughout the duration of your relationship. However, I do think it's time to cut back on the amount of time you spend training.  > > You're out of the house 12 hours a day, and presumably sleeping for 8 hours a day.  How does that factor in to distribution of household work?

~

[deleted]

> Everyone seems to be saying "I don't see why she'd have a problem now... " > > She's probably had the problem for awhile.  you proposing forced her to reallty confront the issue and think about your relationship as "the rest of her life " then she realizes she doesn't want this forever and she's not happy...  So she tells you and you blow her off. > > 9pm to 11pm (or whenever you go to bed) is not "all evening" and I can absolutely see why that is not an acceptable amount of time to spend with your partner 6 out of 7 days a week. > > If you're going to get married you need to work on compromising. This is a good place to start.

Update  May 12, 2016 (Next Day)

This is an update to my previous post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4iul47/me_27_m_with_my_fiancee_26_f_together_for_5_years/

I'm sorry that I haven't replied to any of the posts on there. There's simply to many to be able to provide an adequete reply so I've decided to make an update post.

When I read everyone's comments, I began to see from my fiancee's perspective. I realise that my training schedule could be considered obsessive and that I could easily make changes to help my relationship with my fiancee and make her happy.

I made a new schedule which is a follows:

• 4 nights (3 nights, 1 morning) a week training (Mon, Tues, Thurs, Sun) Sunday is a morning training session, I'll be home before Jenny is typically out of bed.

• Date Nights (Wed, Friday, Saturday) Quality time together.

So after checking that this would work out and being sure that i'd be happy with this schedule, I decided to propose it to Jenny.

She flat out refused it. Said that she'd put up with this lifestyle for too long and that this wouldn't be enough for her. She wants me to drop the martial arts completely.

I know you guys don't necessarily understand, but this is part of who I am. The majority of my friends train with me. I can't just up and leave martial arts because it's such a huge part of my life. It's a lifestyle for me and Jenny knew this from the start.

I tried to reason, I explained that three nights a week I'd be home at 5:30PM and that she'd have my complete attention, just the two of us together and that I'd plan quality time together but she wouldn't budge.

I decided to take a break from the talk and get some air. I go into my closet and she's thrown out all three of my gi's.. We're talking $600 worth of gear here. I asked her why and she said that she thought she'd made it clear yesterday that I was going to be dropping martial arts. She's behaving so erratically. I've never seen her like this before.

I'm lost. I have no idea what to do. I understand my schedule was excessive but I was willing to compromise. She's gone from complete encouragement to what seems like pure hatred.

tl;dr: Proposed a compromise to fiancee with regards to my schedule. It's not enough for her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cute_penguin

> "I go into my closet and she's thrown out all three of my gi's.. We're talking $600 worth of gear here. I asked her why and she said that she thought she'd made it clear yesterday that I was going to be dropping martial arts. She's behaving so erratically. I've never seen her like this before." > > This is messed up. Like, it would be one thing if all she did was flat out refuse to compromise, but to throw out your stuff??? WTF?! > > It seems like your fiancee has hit a breaking point and no longer wants this to be her life, which she made clear by throwing out your gear. At this point, I do not think you should even keep trying to compromise. She intentionally did something that she knew would hurt you. A good partner would have accepted your compromise or, at the very least, negotiated if she was still unhappy with your proposal. But this behavior is bizarre, especially given her support over the past 5 years...has something significant recently happened in her life (aside from the engagement), such as the death of someone close to her?

OOP

>>Nothing that I know of. Work is quiet for her at the moment, so she's not stressed with work. She hasn't been ranting about any of her friends so no fall out there. Family are all fit and healthy. I can't see any explanation for this outburst. I'm too pissed to talk to her after her throwing out my gi's, but I'll be sure to sit her down again once we've both had time to gather our heads...

~

Downvoted Commenter

>I think you went about this compromise the wrong way. You basically told her when it would be convenient for you to spend time with her. And I know for a fact that your gi and gear did not cost $600 unless you literally had a closet full of stuff. I think you need to let her go. I dont care if I get the downvotes but its obvious you aren't willing to give her the time of day she deserves. You're only willing to give her part of your time when YOU want to. This isn't how a relationship works. You should either break it off with her or give up martial arts. Do you think this is something you can do for the rest of your life? Most people give up martial arts after their late 20s due to lack of time and getting older. Unless you are going to dedicate the rest of your life to martial arts, you need to consider giving it up. This is someone who wants to be with your for the rest of your life. What is more important becoming a sensei or having a family? Priorities. You need to sort them out or you are NEVER going to get married. She wants you to have time for a family which at this point you're never going to have if you're just going to 'schedule' them in. At this point in your life you need to make some choices. Martial arts isn't going to go anywhere. But this girl might if you dont show her that you actually want to be with her. Signed someone who is dating someone who WAS completely dedicated to martial arts who gave it up for the time being to focus on what is important.

OOP

>> I have three Gi's: >> >> Honey Badger V2 - Approx $180 >> >> Atama Gold Weave - Approx $200 >> >> Mist Gorilla Weave - Approx $200 >> >> Hakama - Not sure of price, but certain sentimental value. >> >> It's not just about the cost of the GIs either, it's the sentimental value. I earned my black belt wearing those GIs. I teach wearing those GIs and I have won countless competitions wearing those GIs. It's not about the money, I can afford to replace them, but the sentiment is gone.

FINAL COMMENTS/FINAL UPDATE

May 12, 2016 (Sane Day As Update Post)

mischief_managed

>Well, that really changes things. She won't compromise, she disrespected your stuff (which she should pay you back for btw), and her resentment is too far gone now. You'd both be happier if you went your separate ways.

OOP

I'm afraid you're right. I tried to sit and talk with her, but she couldn't see anything wrong with throwing out my stuff. She got mad again and I've since broken it off and moved out. Thanks for your advice.

May 16, 2016 (4 Days Later)

vaishnavitata95

>Read your original post and at first, I thought you were being unfair to your fiancée because I know I wouldn't be happy with only seeing my boyfriend on the weekends or late nights. But seeing this post, you were willing to compromise and she flat out did something that would really hurt you. That's unacceptable. You need to leave this girl immediately if she continues to disrespect your feelings like this.

OOP

Thanks for replying. I've since moved out and we've broken it off. I tried talking to her again to try and understand but she just got mad again and wouldn't have a civil conversation so I decided to move out. Currently staying with a friend, I think it's time to let her find someone who can truly make her happy.

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My husband and I wanted to make a sex tape, I told him about one I made previously, now things are going awfully help!

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

Thanks to u/bestupdator for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  July 27, 2015

My husband and I have been married for only over a year and now things are looking really badly. My husband recently was gifted a really nice camera for his birthday and with it he really wanted to make a sex tape.

On the topic I suggested that we bring some extra lights in our bedroom for better lighting, he asked me in a joking manner if I was a porn director. I told him I made one in the past. After looking at his face I realized how much I just fucked up. He stopped dead still and asked me in a solemn voice was it with Mark (fake name).

Mark was a guy I dated in the past, he was the first guy that I thought I loved. With him I did a lot of stuff I wasn’t comfortable with but I did because I wanted his love and attention. He used me for a long time till I decided to cut him off. I have told my husband about him and he really doesn’t like him.

I told my husband it was him, but it didn’t matter that I wanted to create new memories with him. My husband told me that he felt sick and was done. He ended up leaving the house and left his phone at home. He came back home later in the night, I made him his favorite dinner but he already ate out.

We finally did talk about it. He says that he is angry that this guy Mark has put so much distance between us. He said that he wanted to make a sex tape and thought it would be a new experience we could share together, but the fact that Mark already made one with me ruined it. And he hates that there is a video like that of me on his computer, and the he probably showed it to all of his friends.

My husband cooled off after talking to me, and I thought things got better. But then he got really angry and cold. He found my old lap top that was broken and recovered the hard drive, and found the video I made with Mark. The thing that makes the video especially damaging was that in the video I am a lot more vocal than I am with my husband, and I am doing things in there that I don’t do with my husband.

Since then he has given me the silent treatment. I have tried doing things to get him to open up and talk to me, but now it feels like my marriage is falling apart. Before all of this we were talking about starting a family together, but now I don’t know where we are. My husband comes home from work and will just go somewhere and not answer my text or calls. What do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

xythrowawayy

> Your husband is acting immature about this, but at the same time he does feel upset and it is hard not to. > > Yes, everyone has a past, but there is a lot of "don't ask don't tell" involved when it comes to sexual history. > > One thing that could really bother your husband is that, from your description, it sounds like perhaps it appeared as though the sex was better with "Mark" in the video you made with him -- you said you were more vocal and did things you don't do with your husband. > > Are those things you don't do with your husband things your husband would like to do and has asked to do?  If so, he probably wonders why some other guy was good enough to do those things with, but he's not. > > Imagine you would really like a big fancy wedding and a big shiny stone on your finger, but your fiance tells you they don't believe in that stuff, and big weddings and big rings make them uncomfortable.  Ok fine -- you love them so you can accept it. > > But, then you find a tape of your significant other getting married before, and it is the big dream wedding and big ring that you had been saying you wanted.  Now you wonder why your SO didn't want those things with YOU, but seemed very happy to be doing them with his ex.

OOP

>>With Mark when it came to sex it wasn't that I enjoyed those things it was just that I felt that if I didn't he wouldn't talk to me. There are things that Mark has completely ruined for me that I was on the fence for when we were together and now completely don't ever want to do.

Update  Nov 11, 2015 (Nearly 4 months later)

I wanted to share with you all what happened since my last post. Unfortunately things have not gone well at all. I do want to clarify some things. One mainly about the laptop, that laptop that I had was years old, I had no idea the video was on the laptop. The charger for it broke a while back and the battery was weird, I wanted to throw it out, but my husband is a big fan of scrapping things for their electronic parts, however he never got around to it.

My husband and I had some talks but nothing really ever changed. After I posted he decided to sleep in another bed from me, he wasn’t eating what I made for him anymore. We had a big talk that I thought things were going down the right path, he had clamed down said that he realized his insecurity was controlling him and that he doesn’t want Mark to ruin it. I told him that I would answer anything I can to make things better.

But this is where things I guess got bad. He would ask me really personal things about the sex I had with Mark. Did I enjoy his penis more, asked me for example, if he stretched me out. If I said that I don’t remember or that I didn’t enjoy it, he wouldn’t take it as an answer. The video of me was really damning, and I don’t know what to do, I think the video itself is basically burned into his head. He would ask questions that would basically hurt himself, and then grow more distant.

Sex and affection just plummeted, the most we really had after all of this was cuddling every other attempt I made, just tiny things he would push away said he wasn’t up for it. I tried to be patient with him as best I could, but I ended up getting frustrated and angry I wanted to put this behind us, I have done so much for him, yet a relationship I had from before I even met him ruined me? We got into a fight, and he got really nasty, he told me that I should leave and go back to Mark.

He told me that I never found him sexy, that I only saw him as a back up after I broke up with Mark. He told me that that is why I did more with Mark, that I was Mark’s slut, and he was the safe option. I decided at this point that I wasn’t going to bother defending myself. I realize that I am still in my 20s and I don’t want to throw more years into this relationship only for my husband to despise me. My husband asked for a divorce and I told him I agreed.

Since then, we haven’t talked, we have both gotten lawyers and since we didn’t have much stuff together, we are just dividing it up through mediation. I don’t want his money or any alimony (I don’t even qualify). I just want out of this relationship. It never really got to me when I married my husband how thin our love really was. I never thought that a simple slip up in telling him I made a video before could caused all of this. We had so many tough times that we went through, and this of all things broke us. My husband prior to all of this was the sweetest, most gentle man I knew.

FINAL COMMENTS

treediggitydog

>Thats pretty shitty. But at least you recognized a lost cause and got the hell out before you wasted more time on a relationship that isn't bringing you anything

OOP

>>My relationship with my husband was the best relationship I ever had until all of this happened.

czhunc

>>>It sounds like he had his own hangups about your previous relationships, along with some pretty serious self esteem issues. It takes quite a leap to go from "my wife has a sex tape" to "my wife never loved me or cared about me."

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I [24F] was invited to a work party for "admin professionals day" but it turned out to be a date

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Sexual harassment!<

Original Post  Apr 28, 2016

Right now I work as an admin. I'm honestly really unhappy with the job and my boss and I've been desperately trying to find something else but haven't had much luck. My relationship with my boss isn't good for reasons that I won't get into here, but the rest of the team is great. Since things with my boss are so tense and we work so closely together, her treatment of me is seriously starting to affect my mental health.

Yesterday I got an invite to an "Administrative Professionals Party" from a guy on my team. I was having such a bad day with my boss yesterday and I feel so unappreciated with all that I do for her so I was really happy to get that invite. The invite didn't have much info, just meet downstairs at noon and we will go for lunch. I was looking forward to it all morning.

I got downstairs to find it was only the guy who sent me the invite going. I should have looked to see who else was attending but I figured with "party" in the subject line that implied the whole team was invited. I asked him why he didn't invite anyone else and he said he figured they were too busy. At that point I didn't want to cancel so we went for lunch together. The whole time he was trying to flirt with me and touch me. I had a lump in my throat the entire time because it wasn't at all what I had expected. I do think it was very sweet of him to acknowledge the "holiday" but after getting so excited for something I was just really let down.

So after lunch yesterday and today, things are really awkward with him. He probably thinks I was the worst date ever so he doesn't want to see me, and I'm a bit put off because it seems like the use of "party" was intentionally misleading when it was really a date. Am I wrong to be upset? Should I address the situation or just let it go? With my work environment being how it is I'm pretty sure I won't be able to convey how I felt to him without crying. Also, the office is small enough that a bunch of people saw us leaving for lunch together and they're now asking me if it was a date and if I'm into him.

tl;dr: got invited to a work "party" but it turned out to be a date, which went horribly, and now things are awkward at work

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kingpaint 

> HR. Now. > > What a pos he is

OOP 

>>I'm not sure going to HR is necessary for this, what makes you think it is?

JimCanuck 

>>> He lied to try and get a date using work as an excuse. >>> >>> Followed by inappropriate sexual advances during this supposed work related event. >>> >>> Your company would be on the hook about this under law as much as he is. >>> >>> Although, you still going when he effectively made it known it was just the two of you, will make it seem like you wanted the "date".

OOP

>I guess I just don't see it as sexual harassment. There was nothing sexual about it.

jamesjamersonson 

>> "The whole time he was trying to flirt with me and touch me." >> >> Those are your own words concerning what was supposed to be a BUSINESS lunch. His behavior was completely inappropriate and definitely sexual harassment. He tricked you into coming on a date with him!

~

TKEV 

>It was the worse date ever BC you didn't even know it was a date and he asked you out in the shittiest way possible.

~

HatsAndTopcoats 

>Don't act like it's your fault for assuming a "party" was more than two people. A party is more than two people. He explicitly lied to you when he said it was a party.

OOP 

>>Yeah I agree, he was probably assuming I checked the invite list to see it was just us though.

Final-Hero 

>>>It doesn't matter what he was assuming. Screenshot that email and send to HR right now.

rekta 

>>>>No, he was assuming that by putting "party" in the title, you wouldn't check the invite list. You are assuming this guy was acting in good faith, but I promise you he was not. He deliberately tricked you.

~

Ancythrowaway 

>In short, find a new job asap! I know you're looking but geeze. That's got to be such a hard place to work right now. I hope it all works out for you.

OOP 

>>Yeah it is brutal, especially now. I'm trying!

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My (27, M) girlfriend (26, F) has not spoken with me since I opened up about my childhood legal troubles.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Physical violence, abuse!<

Original Post  Dec 4, 2017

I have been with my girlfriend for just about a year. This is my second romantic relationship and my first * serious * one. I am very happy with her, and we were planning on moving in with each other into her house after Christmas. Since we would be living with each other, I thought that it was good time to open up about some troubles from my past.

I don't want to give full detail, but when I was twelve I committed violent crime. I hurt someone very badly, and because of this I spent a lot of time in juvenile corrections center. I was there until mid high school age, and since being out, I have been on a good and consistent path.

Confessing this to my girlfriend did not go as well as I hoped it would. She did not seem angry, just very taken aback and confused. She kept saying that she did not believe me, and then she cried and told me that she would call me the next day after she thought about all of this.

It has been three days, and I can not get up with her. We had things planned for yesterday that I had to cancel, and I have no idea how she is doing. I am worried about her, and I am worried about our relationship. It was getting to be too much to hide a huge part of my past from someone that I love, but I fear that I have ruined my image in her eyes.

What do I do? How do I handle this?

** tl/dr ** : I opened up about childhood legal troubles, and now my girlfriend will not speak to me.

EDIT: A few people have suggested that I make an edit with some of the details that came out in the comments. I did not want to give much detail about my incident, but I'm not giving people much to go on with my original post.

When I was twelve I attacked my mom's boyfriend. He had been living with us, and he was awful. He abused my mother verbally and was starting to get physical with it. He cheated on my mom while she was out working to be to sole provider of the home. I snapped one day, and I hurt him very badly, putting him the hospital.

For this I spent a few years in a juvenile correction facility. I realize that I should have handled the situation differently, but I have to accept what I did.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Eating_Bagels

> I’m sorry to hear about the silence between you and the girlfriend, particularly if you say you are a completely different person now and on a good path. > > As a woman though, I would be afraid to be with someone long term if they nearly killed someone in the past. I think your girlfriend is evaluating her future safety with you.

OOP

>> I get that, but I was so young, and I have not been in any trouble since then. I have never been in a fight with someone. It was one incident, and I understand it was an extreme one, but what if every person I meet and open up to just sees me as dangerous. >> >> Thanks for your feedback.

species8420

>Have you told her all the circumstances? The way you are evasive in this post and calling it "legal troubles" makes it sound REALLY REALLY BAD and like you are down playing something. But your actual story is so sympathetic and understandable. Context matters. Context matters a lot. I'm sorry you went through all that.

OOP

>>I'm meeting up with her in a couple hours for lunch and to give her all of the context.

Update - rareddit  Dec 8, 2017 (4 days later)

Thank you all for your feedback on my first post. I doubt that I would have been able to handle this situation so well without your help and advice.

So, early in the morning after I made my post my girlfriend called me. We did not talk much on the call, but she said that she wanted to meet me for lunch the next day to talk about the situation. To clear things up, when I first told her about what I had done, I did not give her full context. I was afraid that she would think I was trying to justify my crime, but after talking with most of you in the comments, I realized that it was pretty dumb for me not to have given her the full picture.

The first thing she wanted to know was why it took so long for me to tell her about it. She felt that I way lying through omission and that keeping that away from her is making her question what else I have been dishonest about. I told her that I was just afraid of looking like a monster in her eyes. It is often hard for even myself to accept what I did, who I was, and who I am now. This fear does not excuse lying to her for so long. By leaving such a big part of myself out of our relationship, I was not giving my full self to her, and that is wrong. This is what she is most upset about now.

I did end up giving her the full context of the situation, and I'll give you those details as well, I owe you all that much for the help you have given me. When I was 12, I tried to kill my mom's boyfriend. He had lived with us for a few years, and he was unbelievable cruel. He screamed at my mom pretty much every day. He cheated on her. He did nothing to provide for the house hold, and it was my mom who worked hard every day to make sure we were fed and taken care of. He had started to get more physical with her, like grabbing at her during arguments and raising his fists, threatening her. He was cruel to me as well, but it was nothing compared to the way he treated my mom. One day I snapped, and I attacked him with a knife. He survived, but he was hurt very badly. I spend the next five years in a juvenile corrections center. If I was older, I would have gotten longer, and I think the circumstances surrounding the attack also lead to what I am sure most people would consider a slap-on-the-wrist punishment.

When I gave her the full context she broke down crying. We actually had to leave the restaurant, and we walked to her place. After we both calmed down a bit, she told me that she did not blame me for what I had done, and that sure, I should have handled it ** much ** differently, but she said that it sounds like I was a abused and confused kid who was trying to protect his family. She did question me on how I view my anger now, what I think about using violence to solve serious issues, and what being locked away at a young age did to me.

I think I am probably a bit more angry than most people. I have never had a violent episode since or before that one, and I don't get into shouting matches with people, but I do have to get space and collect myself or else I can become pretty bitter. I do not think it is okay to use violence unless your life is being threatened.

Being locked up definitely did something to me. I am sort of jumpy and easily startled, which I think has to do with how I was often teased. No one ever tried to fight me there, but I am small, on the autism spectrum, and an easy target for being picked on. My experience in there also gave me a need for personal space, and I prefer smaller rooms. I also ** HATE ** meatloaf, it is a vile meal.

She told me that it would probably take her a while to fully trust me again, and that she will be questioning what I do and do not tell her. I understand that, and it would not be good if she just jumped back like everything was normal. I betrayed her trust, and I will have to work to win it back.

I did stay over that night, and we are going to go through with moving in with each other in January. She does want to go to some of my appointments with my therapist, and we may see a couple's counselor soon. She also wants to talk to my mom about all of this -- I am dreading that part because it is not the easiest thing for my mom to talk about, but I have already called her about it, and we are going to her house tomorrow night.

tl;dr: I met up with my girlfriend and gave her the full context of what happened. We are staying together, but I will have to work to win back all of her trust.

FINAL COMMENTS

kenmorebrian

>Not to add a level of complexity here, but it's okay to say no to talking to your mother.  You're the one who owes your girlfriend a certain level of openness, not your Mom.  Of course, if Mom is cool about talking that's great, but you need to give her a fair chance to say "No, I don't want to."

OOP

>> Mom is fine with talking with her about it. It is not easy for her to talk about, but my girlfriend is someone that I want to be seen as family, and if she wants to talk to my mom about this to get another perspective, then I am more than okay with it. >> >> It will still be the most uncomfortable dinner of all time.

~

Throwaway-242424

>Am I the only one here who thinks that 5 years was a rather excessive punishment for a 12 year old, from an abusive household, engaging in what was essentially self-defense?

OOP

>> If he were attacking me or her when it happened then I doubt I would have gotten punished so severely. >> >> Punishments are often not given with thought to the circumstances. There was a girl in the news recently who killed a man raping her, and I believe she got life.

When asked if OOP was a minority or POC

>Haha. I actually am Native American.

When asked about his mother

> She feels that I was put into a situation where I felt that trying to kill a man was the only way to protect her. > > She blames herself a lot for this still. She was a emotional wreck after it, but she never seemed angry with me, and I am guessing that a part of her is glad that she did not have to deal with her boyfriend ever again. > > I have tried my best to shift the blame from her to myself in her mind, but that has sadly not worked. > > (2) > > I did and still do love my mom so much. > > She is doing well. She does not have to work anymore, which is great -- she worked very hard to provide for us when I was young, and I am glad that I am in a position where I can make sure she gets to spend her time relaxing. > > Thank you for your empathy, it really means a lot. I am blessed to have a girlfriend who is just as empathetic.

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Me [22 F] with my coworker [50s M]. He won't stop making inappropriate comments to me and he finally crossed a line this morning. I don't know what the best way to deal with this is.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!sexual harassment, misogyny!<

Original Post  Oct 11, 2016

Hey relationships!

I’ve posted here once or twice before and you guys really helped in providing me with some outside perspectives and unbiased advice, so I thought I’d post here before taking any action in my current situation.  Thanks in advance for anything you guys might have for me.

I started working for a new company back in February of this year.  I enjoy the job, nothing glamorous but it pays the bills (ha-ha, I’m an accountant, I make joke).  Anyway there is this guy, Craig, who has been way too friendly.  Craig is in his 50s, divorced, has 3 kids, rides a bike to work, wears the same 5 Family Guy shirts to work every week.  He’s a nice enough guy I guess, just kind of weird.  But hey, I like Family Guy so whatever.  For reference, Craig and I work in different departments but occasionally I have to ask him a question or interact with him in some way or another.

It started with Craig going out of his way to talk to me via our office instant messenger asking me about my personal life like what I did the past weekend, or have I tried this restaurant or that restaurant or whatever. I was kind of glad to have someone to talk to since I was new at this company and hadn’t made many friends yet, but I never told him too much personal info, and made sure to subtly mention that I had a boyfriend.  Either he didn’t get the hint, or he just ignored it.  He started telling me things like “you’re beautiful” and the usual creep-o line “Why don’t you smile more?” and things like that.  I was always polite but my responses would be things like “I know I am, thanks.” Or “Too much work to smile today.”  Anyway, he’s always saying this type of shit and nobody else really seems to be bothered by it.  The department I work in is all men except for me, so maybe they don’t realize how inappropriate Craig is being?  I don’t know.  I also don’t know if he acts this way with any of the other women in the office.

SO ON TO TODAY’S ISSUE.  I walked into work and on my way to my desk noticed someone brought in donuts for all of us.  I was in the break room, pondering my choices between maple bar and lemon filled (I went with the maple bar), and Craig walks in and starts his usual shtick “Good morning beautiful.”  I cheerfully replied “Good morning!  Can’t decide which donut I want.”  And this fuckin guy comes up behind me, rubs my back, and in a half-whispery kind of voice says “You deserve to have two.”  Now, I do not like being touched.  I don’t like hugs, I don’t really like to cuddle, I just don’t like it.  I especially don’t like being touched by older men that I don’t know and who were not invited to touch me.  I think Craig could sense that I was uncomfortable and he said “Oops, I totally just invaded your personal space.  My bad!” and then walks off.

I’m honestly kind of pissed off about the whole thing, because what a fucking douche bag, right?  I don’t need someone else to tell me I’m beautiful or tell me that I need to smile more, or any of that shit.  He could play it off as totally innocent and friendly, but it feels sinister to me.  He wouldn’t tell Bob from accounting “Good morning, handsome!”, so why would it be okay to say the exact same shit to me?  Why couldn’t he say to me “Hey, great job on that project you just finished.” Instead of constantly commenting on my looks?  It’s just gross.  I dread coming to work sometimes because I have to deal with this gross, misogynistic bullshit. 

I want to march into HR and let them know about my concerns, but I’m not sure what the aftermath would look like.  I don’t want him to get fired, I just want him to leave me alone.  Should I ask some other girls around the office if they have ever experienced this with Craig?  Should I go to HR at all?  What should I expect to happen when I do go to HR?  Has anybody else ever dealt with this, and what action did you take or not take?  Our HR rep is my direct supervisor, so we spend a considerable amount of time working together and we have a good relationship, if that matters.

Really any advice on what to say or what to expect would be so great.  I’m just not sure what to do right now.

TLDR;  There is a dude at my office who keeps flirting with me and can’t take a hint.  He rubbed my back this morning, uninvited, and I’ve reached the end of my patience with this.  Should I go to HR and let them know what is going on?  And if I do make a complaint, what can I expect?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

owls_and_cardinals

> Yes you should go to HR. Simply tell them you've been slightly uncomfortable in interactions with Craig but have tried to keep it positive and professional, and that today it escalated. Most likely it will result in him having a warning and of all employees being reminded of the policies around professional conduct, physical interactions and sexual harassment. > > I think it is important that this be reported because quite possibly many women are encountering the same thing with him, or could in the future, and your input could help ensure he is appropriately disciplined if that is the case. Don't assume it is just you or is harmless, and don't worry about what might happen to him. Just tell the truth and let HR/management deal with it. > > EDIT: I meant also to say that it would be best if you could tell him directly that you dislike some of these things. When he calls you beautiful, say "I don't want you to call me that. Please just call me <insert name>." When asks why you don't smile, tell him "I'm sure you don't mean to be offensive but I really find that question sexist and insulting."

OOP

>> That is exactly what I'm worried about , that other women are experiencing the same thing and it is just going unreported. >> >> Regarding your edit, that is exactly what I want to say every single time.  But when it is actually happening, I kind of freeze up and can't make the words come out.  So I just nervously laugh it off and get out of there as quickly as possible.  A lot of people are commenting and saying that I need to deal with it myself first by talking to him directly, I just don't know how to do that.  I know the words, I just can't make myself say them no matter how much I want to.

EDIT

WOW you guys, I did not expect such a huge response.  Thank you SO much to those who took the time to offer advice and even share some of your own experiences with me.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply to all of you, but I have read all your comments (even the salty ones), and I will be considering all of them when deciding my next move.  Seriously thank you, guys.  Posting here not only provided some wonderful thinking points and unbiased perspectives, but it also enabled me to take a step back and clear my head before taking action, and for that I am grateful!  I will be sure to post an update later this week after everything gets sorted out.

Update - rareddit  Oct 14, 2016 (3 Days later)

Hi everyone :)

I posted here earlier this week and got such a huge response that I thought I’d post an update. I want to thank you guys so much for all your feedback and advice. My usual modus operandi would have been to run to management all guns a-blazin’, throwing around words like “sexual harassment” and “hostile work environment” without thinking of what the consequences would have been. So thank you, internet friends, for helping me to take a step back and consider all my options before making any moves. ALSO BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE NICE LADY WHO RECOMMENDED SOME READING MATERIAL ON THE SUBJECT – YOU TOTALLY GET ME.

Lastly, I want to take a second to mention a piece of my story that stood out to me a lot, but I don’t think I emphasized enough in my original post. The incident sort of revolved around me making a donut selection, with Craig coming up behind me and saying “You deserve to have two.” This was creepy in and of itself, but it felt exceptionally personal and invasive for the following reason: I am overweight. I am not fat, but I am overweight in a curvy/baby-got-back kind of way. I strongly felt that Craig’s suggestion that I “deserved two” donuts was a nod to my body type, especially since he was touching me while he said it. This is the biggest reason I was and am still so angry.

ANYWAY, the update.

I ended up sending Craig an email. I wanted to address it myself, like a lot of you suggested, but I also wanted to start a paper trail, just in case.

“Craig,

I want to take the time to address your behavior in the break room yesterday. I want to be crystal clear that I did not like that you invaded my personal space, or that you felt it would be okay for you to touch my back the way you did. It was extremely inappropriate for the work place and made me very uncomfortable. Further, please do not make any more comments regarding my appearance. Calling me beautiful is neither professional or appropriate. These comments demean and degrade any professional qualities I may possess, which is not okay. Going forward, I would prefer you keep any interaction with me strictly professional, and I expect my personal space to be respected at all times. I hope you will take these concerns to heart, and that we can move forward professionally without any awkwardness.

Thank you,

OP”

I then printed the email, and went to talk to my manager about it. I explained the situation to him and gave him a copy of the email. He asked if I wanted management to intervene, but I told him that for now I had handled it myself, but that if Craig didn’t back off that I would expect him to step in. I asked that he make an incident report to be kept on file, in the event that anyone else ever makes a similar complaint. Surprisingly, my manager told me that no one else had ever made a similar complaint against Craig, at least not in the 5 or so years that he has been with the company.

Craig replied to my email saying “I agree, and I will behave appropriately from now on. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.” And that was that. I did have to briefly speak to him twice yesterday, and while it was a little uncomfortable, the interactions were strictly work related and he has left me alone otherwise. I hope this will continue and I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

Thanks again, guys. I am taking this whole thing as a learning experience. I am going to practice being more assertive, and try worrying less about being polite or being well-liked.

TLDR; I sent Craig an email that outlined all my concerns and my expectations for professionalism going forward. It was relatively well received. I spoke to management about the incident and asked that my email to him be kept on file in the event that anyone else makes a similar complaint. Craig has pretty much left me alone since. I am going to work on being more assertive going forward.

FINAL COMMENTS

when someone said Craig got off scott-free

> Well, I wasn't looking to get him fired.  This is the first time he'd ever tried to physically touch me, so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that MAYBE he's so socially inept that he didn't know he was creeping me out. In all honesty, I think he's a fucking creep who knew exactly what he was doing, but like I said, this was the first time and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. If his nonsense continues, though, best believe I will make a much, MUCH bigger fuss. > > I don't think he got off scott-free, either. I made a formal complaint that is now on record, and I felt like that was enough.  He gets a warning, next time he gets nuclear.  I'm happy with the outcome.

~

drleospacemandds

> Kudos on a very professional response to a shitty situation. > > I'm hoping that that email led him to have an "Oh shit I could lose my job if this continues" moment and that you don't have any problems in the future.

[deleted]

>>I have encountered this particular type of misogyny before as a woman working in engineering. There are dudes who are otherwise completely normal and reasonable people who just let the weirdest shit fly out of their mouths... but when it is drawn to their attention, have the decency to at least reflect and be embarrassed by their actions. There is no malice in this misogyny, they've just never thought it through before and have absolutely never considered how the shit they say might land. I am loathe to excuse any kind of behaviour like this, so I won't. But I will say that guys like this are universally easier to work with after the issue is brought to their attention. I really hope Craig is this type and it sounds like he just might be.

sunsetpark12345

>>>I have a different take on this situation. I think Craig and guys like him probe to see how far they can push an individual before there are imminent consequences, and as soon as they are met with resistance, search for a new victim. That's why his behavior kept escalating, albeit slowly. OP, you may want to keep your eyes out for any female employees who seem meek or vulnerable (do you ever get young interns?), and give them a heads up. Those are the ones he'll go after, I guarantee it.

OOP

>>>>I share this opinion. We actually just got a new girl who is already pretty shy to begin with, so I'll try to keep an eye on her.  Thank you for mentioning this!

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