u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/embarrassedtosend

Me [30F] with my BF [30M] duration, I want to send him sexy pictures as a surprise but I don't know if I should.

Original Post  Sept 20, 2016

I know this issue seems really minor, especially compared to other people's problems but I'd really appreciate any advice. I'm sorry if this seems all over the place, I'm just really embarrassed right now, haha...

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years now and it's been great! We make time for each other, we respect each other's privacy when the other needs it, we always keep in contact and we always do our best to resolve any issues that erupt. Most of all, he respects my feelings on a certain matter, and always has.

I have really bad self-confidence, I guess. I don't like photos being taken of me and I had how my body looks. I know I'm overweight, but not terribly so, but I still get really embarrassed if anyone takes a photo of me, or even if I take a photo of myself. Ben has only one photo of me from the two years we've been together. I said yes to the one, but then I freaked out about how badly I looked that I almost cried. Ben assured me that it was a really good photo, and even though, I was hesitant, I let him keep it. Ever since then, he hasn't asked for any other pictures of me. He's been very patient about how I feel about photo taking. I've been trying to get over this issue of self-confidence, but it's been tough. I have been actively trying to lose weight though, so it's helped a little there. I've even forced myself to take some pictures of my face and I did...but I still deleted them right after.

These past few weeks, Ben has been on a business trip out of the country and I miss him terribly. We still talk to each other every day, but it's not the same with him so far away. I wanted to surprise him and went out and bought some really nice sexy lingerie, and tbh...it's the first time I've ever bought any of this stuff. I've always hated how I looked in them, and was really embarrassed to try them on, but I found some stuff I really liked and I feel like I don't look completely terrible in them and decided to pick it up.

I sent Ben a message saying how I can't wait for him to come back in a few days, because I have a surprise for him. He's been trying to guess what it is since then, but he doesn't have a clue, lol. While he was guessing, I started entertaining the idea that it might be fun to send him a few pictures to get him excited. And even though it's a HUGE step for me, I kinda want to try it for Ben. Because he's respected my feelings all this time, and has always been there for me when I've needed him and most of all, it's Ben and I know I can trust him.

But I don't know if Ben would even want pictures like me in lingerie. He's never asked for them. I'm worried if I send some he won't like them or might even get offended. But if I ask, I feel like I'm ruining a fun surprise that I'm hoping goes well.

So I guess I'm asking: Do you think this is a good idea?   ---     tl;dr: Bad confidence issues means I never really take pictures of my face, let alone my body. Boyfriend has always respected that and while he's been away on a business trip I bought my first sets of lingerie and decided to try to take the plunge and send him pictures as a surprise. Don't know how he'll react, though so I'm second-guessing myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AllegedlyNorah

> He hasn't asked for any sexy pics for the same reason he hasn't bothered you about any pictures at all. You've explicitly told him you don't like to take photos! Why would he ask you for sexy lingerie pics if you can't even stand him having a picture of you fully clothed? As you said, he's respecting your feelings. > > Take the pic and send it to him. It'll be a nice surprise and he'll love it because he loves you.

OOP

>>I think that's why I suddenly had this idea to send him these photos. Respecting my feelings on the subject says so much to me about him as a person that out of anyone in the world, he's the only person I'd ever consider doing this for. I love him very much and you reminded me so much of why.

~

Snuffleupagus03

> Send them.  I get it's hard for you but: > > 1. he will react positively and love them > > 2. it's a great step in your self confidence > > 3. if he doesn't react positively it's not a good sign about him or the relationship (and everything you say about him says this won't happen).  > > What a great surprise.  He'll be thrilled.

OOP

>> Well, I hope he likes it, I really only want him to be happy because he's brought me so much joy since I've met him, even in our hardest times, we've worked through them and never said anything we'd regret. >> >> I think I will send them. I want to show him how much I care for him.

~

[deleted]

> If you are 100% comfortable about it, you should definitely go for it! > > He sounds very patient, understanding and respectful of you which is always great. He will love them! > > If it makes you feel more comfortable, only focus on one part of your body in the photo (ex. Boobs or ass in the lingerie). It's a nice little tease for him and is less intimidating than a full body shot (and also I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with leaving their face in explicit photos anyways). > > Goodluck! Don't pressure yourself on getting the "perfect" photo, he'll appreciate it!

OOP

>> I'm still not 100% comfortable with even just taking my picture, but I feel like this will definitely make me feel better about myself, and I do want to show him how much I love him and trust him. >> >> Thank you for the tip about focusing on one part of my body for the photo. :)

Update  Sept 28, 2016 (8 days later)

I just want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. This issue is such a non-issue that I can't believe how seriously you all took me. All the tips, caution, the encouragement just reminded me how wonderful everyone here can be.

Thanks to you guys and the post I made, I was reminded of all the wonderful qualities and reasons I fell in love with my boyfriend and I decided to send him some pictures. It took awhile to find one I felt comfortable with, but I did find one! I know some people think I shouldn't, but I did include my face in it because I feel like it helped show how much I trust Ben and how much I love him.

I waited until the late evening when he told me how he was getting ready for head off to bed when I messaged him with a picture and then sent "More surprises when you get back ;)" and I'll admit, I got a little panicky. After a few minutes, Ben sent a message back with "Oooh very sexy! <3" and pretty much that was that (Outside of our usual goodnights and I love yous).

I'll admit it, reddit, I didn't know how to take his message back on account of having never sent a photo like this before. Was he being nice? Was this a typical response which was good? Should he have said more? Should I have said more? I didn't know how to feel other than a little disappointed, especially with how long it took me to take the photo. Alongside this, Ben sent me a message the next day telling me about how busy he'll be and then never responded back. I got upset and started feeling like I made a mistake. I spent my day off work with a mix of disappointment, regret and panic, a panic that I had made a huge mistake.

Well, that afternoon I got a knock at my door and who was there? Ben. That's who was at my door. Ben and a bunch of flowers. I wasn't expecting him for a few more days and before I could say anything he told me about how he pulled a favor with his boss (whom he's friendly with) and because the team had pretty much finished up their project he got the go ahead to head home early. Ben told me that he saw the picture and was speechless for a few minutes because he had never expected anything like that from me but knew he had to get home right away to see me. And then he said he felt like the luckiest man in the world.

We've spent every day together since and we've had a fabulous time and I've never felt better about my relationship and about myself. Ben has already asked if he'll get another picture anytime soon. I told him "Only if you're good" :)

tl;dr: Sent picture, discovered I now need to get a full wardrobe of sexy lingerie. I feel great!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/congratsitsalie

Me [21F], Boyfriend [25M] of 3mo has lied about being adopted for (presumably) over ten years. Would I be nuts for staying with him?

Original Post  Aug 7, 2016

I've suspected his story ever since I met him, but I thought I was being unnecessarily skeptical/questioning of someones "traumatic" upbringing to have made a big deal of it. Until yesterday.

We were visiting his parents and I was making chit chat. As parents are prone to do, his mother started talking about when he was a kid. Which was odd because he told me he came to this country as 11, and was adopted by these people at 12.

I didn't call it out, but I asked some questions to verify for myself, like "Haha, wow, how old was he then?" and such. Boyfriend has obviously gone very, very quiet as we're talking. We had to leave shortly after, and I wait for him to make the first move when we're in the car. Which he does.

"I hate it when they do that, they fabricate my mothers stories and tell them as if it were their own."

"Where did they get the stories from?"

"Her diary."

"Where is that diary now?"

"In a bank box in the capital."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they don't want to tell people I'm adopted."

"No point in lying to me though, since I would obviously have been told."

"Yes well."

"I did notice that she never specifically mentioned herself in that story."

"Yes, see!"

We talked a little, mostly I was quiet, digesting it all. Thing is, I've always suspected his story to be BS, it's too improbable, too much sob. He's actually from USA, his real parents and brother died in a housefire, no relatives wanted him in, and he was abandoned in an airport here.

Before I left the car I told him that I'd love him even if his parents were telling the truth, and he went to work, late shift. When he came back, he told me the truth. Showed me his birth certificate and some photos. Told me (who knows, a story?) about why he's been lying for the last ten years. He was kicked out/ran away from home when he was 15 and lived in a friends basement for half a year. When there was talk of getting CPS involved, he lied, and has kept it up ever since. He even changed his very traditional name to an English one and explained it by saying his parents forcibly renamed him to make him fit in and he decided to take his name back. We talk English together because he says it makes him more comfortable. He told his parents and family he changed his name because he didn't like it.

I still mean what I said, I care for him even though he's been lying. I said it doesn't change the fact that he's a kind, hard-working, caring person, and I made the demand that he see a psychiatrist and that he just has to suck up the price because his mental health is more important (small edit: which he agreed to do). But is this nuts? He's wanted to buy a house since before we met, and we had a talk about how the house should fit us five years ahead. He visited his parents to show them the one he's set on. I really want some outsider perspective here, and I'm not ready to "expose" him by talking to my friends about this yet.

---

tl;dr: Boyfriend has lied to everyone for ten years about being adopted when he's not, even changed his name to make it more credible, scale of 1 to Jesus Christ, Why On Earth: how crazy I am for being willing to look past this now that he's come clean to me and carry on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DonaldJDarko

> I don't think I would be able to get past that. He clearly has no problem lying to you and keeping up a very obvious lie. > > As a last ditch effort you could sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean by straight up asking him about it. I mean we get stories here occasionally from people who told what at the time seemed like a little lie that spiralled completely out of control. It's shitty, but people sometimes do stupid things when they're dating and in love. > > However, if he doesn't come clean after you straight up call him out on it, or if his reaction regarding admitting it is anything other than sincere regret, you should dump the fucker on the spot. If he isn't genuinely sorry or can't own up to it when specifically called out, he can't really be trusted because he clearly has no trouble telling blatant lies.

OOP

>> He had no problem lying to literally everyone, he made that clear when he changed his name. This is absolutely the case of a lie spiralling out of control, like you say. >> >> I don't think you saw that he did come clean, he did this on his own when it became clear that I was wise to it, I did not specifically call him out on it. He's already agreed to see a psychiatrist.

~

vengeance_pigeon

>My personal gut feeling is that he's still lying. His new story doesn't make much more sense than the old one.

OOP

>>You're right. I'll see if I can't get some verification on this one as well. If he's lying about his parents being abusive as well, I can't possibly stay.

Six in the morning, day two edit: scratch all that about trying to be understanding and shit. Turns out he IS a compulsive liar, and I barely know a single true thing about him. This is like The Sixth Sense where you've had a weird feeling all through the movie and at the end you get that "Aha!" Moment that explains everything. I'm currently at my friends house and honestly a little hungover, I'll make a proper edit later.

OOP Updated the post Aug 8, 2016 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE:

I had to drive over to his this morning to get my work uniform, and all my other stuff while I was at it. He keeps telling me we don't have to break up, he loves me and wants to change for me, he's gonna stop it, seek therapy, fess up to everyone. I have zero second thoughts about breaking up. All of these things are nice things to do, sure, but I'm not gonna stick around to watch.

Yesterday, after writing this and reading your responses, I went to visit him for his lunch break as we had already planned, and I asked him straight up, was there anything else he had lied about. He said no, nothing that he could think of. So I decided to help refresh his memory. Anything I had had doubts about, but never called him out on.

Other things he has lied about:

• Being sent to Afghanistan as his army service. He has never even been there.

• Owned part of a small business importing cognac. No, his dad did.

• He and his brother bought his parents their house. No, he just helped them put down the floors.

• Owns three cars, one he bought for his father and one for his brother. Just, no.

• That wine he served me on our third date was wildly expensive and amazing, something that had gone down as one of our "cute stories" because I later told him I didn't even like red wine. In reality it's a sorta nice one bought on holiday by, once again, his dad.

• !!!! Was inches away from death when his crazy stalker ex stabbed him in the lower stomach area, she was sentenced to six months forced psychiatric care. !!!! He is now saying that she did stalk and stab him, but it was only a flesh wound. He never even filed a police rapport. This is a story he told the first time we met, and it was absolutely horrifying the amount of gruesome detail I got. He has since repeated it several times while in my company, to my friends and his. And this is fucked up.

I'm still learning more, but I am ready to go no contact and have wiped my hands off of the whole relationship. I'm glad I found out now. A little conflicted on whether I should tell his parents, since I have no faith he'll do it on his own but I'm not sure their relationship could ever snap back from that.

FINAL COMMENTS

When asked to clear up the name, adoption and English speaking from the original post

>I changed a few tiny details to obscure our identities in case anyone he knows reads this, but I don't care about protecting his lies anymore. We're in Norway, he said he was adopted from UK. Changed his name to an English one when he was 21 and explained to people that it was his original name from before he was adopted, that his parents had renamed him to a Norwegian one when he came here. In reality, he's born and raised in the same little city as me.

OOP on why she never questioned anything

>It feels so terrible that these were such traumatic stories, that I wanted to help and support him because it was all so tragic, but you know, it's ... too tragic. And what are you gonna do, someone is practically crying from sharing intimate details and you say "Yeah, but, do you have any proof?"

And finally

>I updated my post with all the other things I've found out now he lied about, and yup. He only came clean when he got caught. I gave him the chance, and he refused it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kevincasuffit

My boyfriend [30M] hid my [27F] medication while I was asleep

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 13, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior!<

So this happened, and I really don't understand. I might be in the wrong, this just feels so upsetting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and have lived together for most of them. We have a very good relationship, and are talking about starting our future together soon.

Me: I have some medical issues, including a long-term autoimmune disease. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital because of kidney stones. I was in a lot of pain, but don't tolerate narcotics well (itching and puking) so they gave me a low dose of tramadol, which they told me would be more mild on me. I really had to beg them not to give me anything stronger because there's almost no way I can avoid the side effects.

So it's been about 2 months since I last was in the hospital. About 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad migraine. I've gotten them since I was 14, they're diagnosed and everything. I did something that was probably wrong, which was take 1 tramadol to deal with the migraine. My boyfriend knew I took it, because I was asking him where the benadryl and dramamine was so I wouldn't be itchy or pukey. At the time, bf told me he wished I hadn't taken it because the doctor gave me tramadol SPECIFICALLY for kidney stone pain. I agreed, probably not the best thing to do, but I was in pain and it seemed logical at the time.

Yesterday, I decided to clean out my complete mess of a bathroom drawer, especially to throw away old pill bottles. I'm on a couple of medications for my autoimmune disorder, and the bottles tend to pile up. So I cleaned out my drawer, but the tramadol was gone. I just figured I had already thrown it out by mistake and didn't think twice about it.

At bedtime, I was mentioning to my boyfriend what an airhead I was, that apparently I had thrown out a bottle full of tramadol. He then confessed to me that no, he had hidden it from me. He said he didn't like that I took it for a headache instead of its intended purpose, so when I went to sleep that night he went in my drawer and took it.

A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Back when I was in undergraduate (you know, almost 10 years ago) I was not so straight edge. I drank maybe a bit too much and smoked weed. But none of this to any kind of excess, and no other drugs. I just had a good time partying, and by the time I was like 23-24 the fun of it wore off. I'll still have a drink every once in a while, once a month, tops. And yeah, I've been with my boyfriend and gotten a little tipsy. He ALWAYS says he doesn't mind, and it genuinely seemed like it didn't matter.

But now this. He apparently confiscated my medication because he thought I abused it (which, I admit, I at least used not for its intended purpose) and he thought I was going to abuse it more, so he hid it. I can't think of anything during our relationship that would have made him think I'm all of a sudden going to abuse narcotics, especially because I can BARELY stand them!

I'm really angry he would do something like this. In a sense, it's not like it matters, because I don't need them. But in another sense, it feels paternalistic and gross. At the very least, he could have had a conversation with me instead of taking them when I fell asleep.

Am I overreacting about this? Obviously he had no intention to tell me. If I wouldn't have noticed they were gone, I doubt he would have said anything. And, although I don't want go down a slippery slope train of thought, what else does he feel he can police me about? I talked to him about all this and he didn't have a good answer. We were going to bed and I was falling asleep so I just dropped it. But it's really bothering me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend decided I misused my medication, took it from my drawer when I was asleep, and hid it. Had no intention of telling me. Finding this very troubling, what do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Kiyasu

> "A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs." > > Or knows shit about drugs apparently if he thinks you're abusing Tramadol by taking one for a migraine. > > Honestly though this is a massive red flag, the "I know best" mentality, especially from someone who doesn't know shit, is intolerable to me. > > Just sit him down and tell him if he ever does something like this again, he better just go ahead and hide himself from you permanently as well.

the-mortyest-morty

>> I dated a "straight-edge" guy like this. I remember him screaming at me at my own birthday party because I decided to let loose and take one hit of some weed. I started crying and he said, "It's okay, I forgive you." >> >> That's when I knew it was over. He thought I was crying from guilt when I was really crying from rage that he had embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all of my friends, lecturing me like a child for smoking a little weed at my 22nd birthday. >> >> TL;DR: Fuck this guy. He can be straight edge all he wants. But him pushing you to do drugs the way he would (IE - not at all) is JUST AS BAD as you pressuring him to DO drugs. He doesn't own you. He stole your meds - that's a fucking crime. Get your meds back, if he refuses call the police. Whatever you do, get this paternalistic numbskull out of your life.

~

LitlThisLitlThat

> Tramadol is a pain medication. It is slightly stronger than OTC ibuprofen. It is way weaker even than Tylenol 3. > > Its intended use was by you for pain. You had pain, and you took it. It was within its intended purpose, and it was taken by the person for whom it was prescribed, and it was taken as written (eg as needed, for pain, and within prescribed dosing limits). Everything about how you used it was appropriate and not a single doctor would give a flying fig about you taking a leftover tramadol for a headache. > > Your boyfriend, on the other hand, assumes he knows better than you how to manage your prescriptions. In fact, him hiding your prescription from you may in fact be illegal because it is prescribed to you, not him, and you are an adult. > > He also is acting paternalistic towards you, not as if you are an equal partner, also an adult, and just as capable of making sound decisions. > > Just a hunch, so tell me: when you first started dating, did he act like your drinking or smoking pot was bad? Did you feel bad about it when you were around him? Did you cut back at least in part based on his reaction to it? What does he act like now when you have that rare drink? Does he say anything or act differently? Or do you only do it when you're not around him because it's less complicated?

OOP

>>You're right on your hunch. Even my occasional drink has greatly diminished since dating him. Mostly because he just doesn't buy or keep alcohol, but sometimes if we go out, he'll tell me I can only have 2 drinks but not 3. And I do feel bad about it. He's also told me that if we met in college, he wouldn't have liked me because of my partying and there's no way we would have been friends.

Did OOP get her meds back?

>A lot of people have been asking if he returned it and the answer is no. We talked last night before we fell asleep, and then he was gone this morning before I woke up. I don't have any idea where it is, he hid it. I'm not going to be a crazy and tear apart the house looking for it. I don't even need it. The taking of it was the breach of trust for me, not that he took something I need.

Update - archive  Oct 15, 2016 (2 days later)

I really didn't think my post would garner so much attention. I guess what I learned from all your thoughtful comments was that I was right in thinking it was kind of a big deal, especially since my boyfriend doesn't know much about any kind of drug or medication from being strait edge. Also received some helpful discussion about migraines, so thank you for that.

When my boyfriend got home from work on the day I posted, I told him we needed to talk about what had happened. He maintained his position: he acknowledged he should have asked me first and apologized for hiding it. However, he said this was the first disagreement we've ever had where "he didn't feel like we were on the same side" ie we weren't discussing something and working it out, we were actually fighting about it.

He then said that he has come to the conclusion that we are too different, and that we should break up. I mean, I've known all along we are very different people, but we've been together for a while, and over all this time he's always told me it wasn't a big deal. That us being so different was what made us good together. That there wasn't anything we couldn't get through. This is a man that literally THE DAY BEFORE I found out about the medication was talking in detail about how we were going to get married.

He went to his parents for the weekend, which he had already planned on doing. He's coming home tonight. I've been home alone, boxing up my stuff in preparation to move out. I've already found a crappy place I can afford, and put the deposit down, but didn't fill out the paperwork. I told him if he's really 100% about us breaking up, then I'll go in on Monday and sign all the forms and be out of the house by next Saturday. It's definitely me who has to leave, because he can afford to live in our house by himself but I certainly can't. Also I'm not on the lease, but that might turn out to be a good thing. He said he's only 60% sure that he wants us to break up, but he "doesn't see any other option."

I know what you guys are all going to say-- good riddance, he was controlling, you'll be better off. But I'm really devastated. I'm not one of those people who ever thought they would 1) Live with another person 2) Get so close to another person 3) Even talk about getting married or having kids. Because of my past sexual trauma, I just assumed that I would go through life without another person. I was becoming okay with that. But then I met this guy, fell in love, and a lot changed. He really worked at getting me to trust him, and to talk about the future, and dream that there could be a future. Even though there have been incidents like this, for the most part it's been a happy relationship.

And now I have to just up and move. We're going to have to be no-contact... at least for me, you can't get that close to someone and then still be in contact after you break up. Essentially, I'm leaving his life permanently. I'm stunned that this has been the outcome of this episode. I've spent the two days he's been gone just in bed, sleeping or crying. Every time I try to pack up some stuff it's excruciating. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

And to make matters worse, my beloved grandma is in the hospital and her priest is giving last rites. I'm a wreck.

tl;dr: Discussed the incident with my boyfriend. He didn't think it was as big a deal as I did. Said we should break up. I have to vacate our house ASAP. Don't know how I'm going to make it through.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ihopeudontfindthis

I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!deception, faking cancer, mentions infant death!<

Original Post  Apr 25, 2026

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

retteofgreengables

>One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. 

OOP

>>He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

~

Mother_of_brains

>Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.

OOP

>>If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.

UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

Update  May 17, 2026 (almost 4 weeks later)

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

FINAL COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom

>Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.

OOP

>>Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TeacherWifeBlues

My wife (29f) says she gets to make 100% of the educational decisions for our child. I (28f) can't change her mind.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior!<

Original Post May 17, 2016

My wife and I have been together for seven years. We're expecting our first child in June. It's a girl and were both extremely excited.

Background:

I grew up in a family that valued education above all else. My parents both supplemented my education at home and my mother did a ton of research and footwork to find the right educational environment for me. I ended up at an alternative private school that my parents could barely afford but it was a place that I thrived in.

My wife grew up in a very poor family who put no emphasis on education whatsoever. She worked extremely hard to educate herself and ended up majoring in education in college. However, she is not certified and does not teach.

Problem:

The other day I mentioned wanting to start researching schools in our area. I said something along the lines of "of course we won't know which school is right for her until she's actually here." But my wife said that she would handle it. All of it.

She said that because she majored in education she should get 100% control of our daughter's education. I told her that was ridiculous. Just because I didn't major in education doesn't mean I don't care and it doesn't mean I don't know enough about it to get a vote. She disagreed and told me I could have full control of "what she wears and who her friends are."

I was floored. I tried to argue but I couldn't even think straight. I went back to her about it a couple days later and asked if I was a doctor could I make 100% of the medical decisions and she said yes, absolutely. I'm pretty sure she only said that because I'm not a doctor. I was trying to poke holes in her logic but it didn't work.

Since then she won't even discuss it. I told her I wanted to tour preschools and daycare centers this weekend and she said that she already took care of it and won't even tell me what that means.

I'm not going to give in. I get a vote. But I can't make her listen to me. What the hell do I do?

TL;DR- my wife says she gets to make all the decisions regarding our daughter's education because she majored in education in college. I think I should get a vote too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> So at what point do your child's wishes enter into the equation?  Because I'm pretty sure she'll have her own thoughts on friends and clothing and even what kind of learning environment she finds most stimulating, and if she's anything like her moms, she probably won't be shy about expressing them. > > I don't know how you two got this far into the babymaking process without this "all or nothing" attitude cropping up, but your wife needs to get it through her head it doesn't work like that.  You two are a team.  Either you figure out how to be a team together, you do it in counseling, or you hash it out in a custody agreement, but unilaterally shutting one parent out of the discussion is not going to fly.

OOP

>>Believe me, the all or nothing attitude is completely her. I have no desire to control my daughter's wardrobe or social life. I just want a say in where and how she's educated while she's young.

Illinoiscentralst

>How has this not caused issues until now? This attitude of hers makes any partnership with her absolutely untenable. Not to mention she thinks it's some kind of an "award" that she allows you to control your kid's friends and wardrobe???

OOP

>> It's come up before. The biggest problem (other than this one) is that she thinks I should wait on her hand and foot (literally...I do the cleaning, the cooking, pay the bills, grocery shop, do the laundry, and any time she's sitting down and can't reach something she needs I have to get it for her...even if I'm sitting down too). She says she pays me back for all of this with emotional support and that it balances out. I don't feel like it does, though. >> >> I try to draw lines and say things like I'll cook dinner but I won't pack your lunches for work. She just tells me my lines are arbitrary and make no sense. Then she refuses to do things with me until I comply and give her what she wants.

~

FailosoRaptor

> She is being completely stupid. > > 1) Telling your SO you will have no say in one of the most significant parts of your child's life is incredibly stupid, selfish, and unrealistic. Its so incredibly disrespectful as well. No words > > 2) Just because she majored in teaching doesn't make her the ultimate authority. Did she write a PhD dissertation at Harvard about various educational institutions and their effects on females? Does she have an MD/PhD? Like what is there to brag about doing a common thing and finishing a masters program. Amazing you we're able to do what most of the population can do. > > I can't even describe how much I rolled my eyes when I read this.

OOP

>>She doesn't even have a masters, she just has a B.A.

infiniteme

>>>Oh wow! I'm a psychologist and run into people with psychology BAs all the time that proclaim some deep authority. I don't even think of myself that way and I'm a PhD. Check out the Dunning–Kruger effect. Basically a little knowledge in an area can make you foolishly overconfident. On top of the personality you have described here for your wife... Bad combination

OOP Adds more on her wife

> My wife is very....hard to argue with. Once she gets something in her head your cannot convince her otherwise. Like one time we got into a fight about whether or not women pee out their vaginas. I told her that we have a separate hole for pee and offered to look up a diagram for her to see for herself and she refused. She said that she didn't want me to be embarrassed when I found out I was wrong. > > She also doesn't care about other people's boundaries. She just barrels right through them. It doesn't usually bother me because I'm pretty laid back but I've never been a mother before and it turns out I'm not willing to take a laid back approach to parenting my child.

Update - rareddit May 20, 2016 (3 Days Later)

I figured I'd give an update since a lot has happened. Or maybe it just feels like a lot.

A lot of the comments on the original post suggested my wife and I go to therapy to discuss our issues. So I approached her one evening (after I made her coffee so theoretically she should have been in a good mood) and told her that we are partners and that means we make decisions together...all the decisions. I told her I wasn't willing to be a bystander when it comes to something as important as our daughter's education. I told her that I will be involved and that's that. She just scoffed at me and said, "you are in no way qualified to make those kinds of decisions." It occurred to me to ask her what she thinks happens when neither parent studied education but I figured there was no point. So that's when I brought up therapy. I said if she couldn't treat me like an equal, like a partner, and with respect then we had some serious problems. She said that I was the only one who needed therapy and she refused to go. I told her it was therapy or divorce and I'd give her 24 hours to think it over. She laughed and said "you won't leave me. You need me."

The next day when she came home from work she greeted me by saying "my co-workers all think you're crazy." I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy. I asked if her she reconsidered her stance on therapy and she just laughed at me.

So the next day I left her. I called in sick to work, packed up as much stuff as I could, and I've been staying in a hotel. She's been blowing up my phone but I haven't answered. I saw a lawyer yesterday and will be filing for divorce. Eventually I'll be relocating (my boss agreed to transfer me closer to my family since I'll be a single parent) but for now I'm staying put because if I have to fight for custody I'd rather do it here since it's a very conservative area and the facts that I'm the biological parent and she smokes weed every single day will both work in my favor.

I'm pretty emotional but I'm also curtain that I did the right thing. Thanks for help, Reddit.

TL;DR- The warm, funny woman I married has disappeared and was replaced by someone cold and cruel. I've left her and will be filling for divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

puffin

> "I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy." > > I wonder what sort of messed up version of the truth she told them!

OOP

>>Me too. To tell the truth, I was extremely hurt by that. I had an issue with our relationship and I brought it to an anonymous forum where I tried to present a balanced view of the issues. She turned to people we both know in real life and painted a picture of me that was clearly distorted. I don't know why it's come to that but it really hurt my heart.

~

[deleted]

>What kind of legal claim does she have on your baby if you divorce before your child is born? I am actually not familiar with what the law would do in your circumstances. I would have assumed that she would have no claim if you divorced and did not put her on the birth certificate.

OOP

>> The plan was for her to legally adopt the baby after she's born but my lawyer told me she can still fight for custody if she wants to because we planned the baby together. But he also said her chances of getting shared custody are small and her chances of getting sole custody are non-existent. >> >> And to a similar comment >> >> I have and he's confident we'll win. But if I have to stay here to give her visitation, that's not the worst thing. My lawyer says there's no way she'll get anything close to full custody.

~

[deleted]

>Good job, OP. You made the right choice. It saddens me that someone with your ex's temperament and issues is even in the field of education.

OOP

>>She actually isn't in education. She does something completely unrelated. She just majored in it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/redefine19

Has anyone ever had an extremely close friend want to suddenly stop all communication with you?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Editors Note: Changed Initials N, P & R to Nick, Penny and Roger for easier reading

Original Post  June 5, 2014

Yeah, it was weird.

This guy was my best friend all the way through college and for several years after that. We knew each others deepest, darkest secrets. We dropped MDMA and acid together. He cried on my shoulder at his grandfather's funeral. He was going to be Best Man at my wedding.

One day, we were at the pub and a mutual friend of ours came over and we got talking. At one point he said to my friend, "Hey, weren't you going to ask redefine19 something?"

"I can't", replied my friend and walked away.

He went straight home without explanation.

That was 4 years ago and I have spoken to him exactly once since then, at a party. He seemed quite friendly and warm towards me until I asked him what had happened that day he left me in the pub. As soon as I mentioned it he walked away and refused to talk to me again.

He won't accept my friend requests on Facebook or respond to my texts and our mutual friends have no idea what's going on.

I've moved on now. If he doesn't want to talk to me then fair enough. I'll stop trying to figure it out. I would just like to know what happened because it's a total mystery to me. Even our mutual friend who was also there at pub that day says he doesn't remember what the conversation was about or why he reacted that way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KruegersNightmare

> You need to pressure the pub friend to tell you, he knows. It was obviously some sort of a big deal, otherwise your friend wouldn't react that way. He was probably instructed not to say anything. > > Mysterious.

OOP

>> You know, I have always suspected this. To be honest, I haven't seen the mutual pub friend for a few years. I've moved away from that town now and I'd rather not get involved in it now. >> >> If it was a big deal then, it probably isn't a big deal anymore :)

[deleted]

>>> It's a big deal to us. You've dragged all of us into your mysterious life happenings and we deserve to know! Now, get to the bottom of this issue, dig up buried hatchets, scrape open healed wounds, and do it because Reddit needs answers. >>> >>> He probably took your winning lottery ticket without telling you and is having a blast spending your fortune. That's what I say.

~

Pijay

>Probably he's gay and he loves you but can't cope with that.

OOP

>>I never even considered that but I guess it is kind of plausible. Damn.

FrankenstineGirls

>>> Or he fooled around with your partner and was supposed to tell you. Mutual pub friend knew, and prompted the conversation. >>> >>> Maybe mutual pub friend didn't think it was his place to tell you himself, which is why he hadn't divulged the information. He might have just wanted your other friend to man up and sort it out. >>> >>> Maybe. >>> >>> Or maybe he loves you.

~

frayuk

>Reddit DEMANDS closure!

Edit: Okay, most of you seem to think he was either screwing my girlfriend or he was totally gay for me. The more I think about it, the easier it is to believe that either one of these scenarios could be true. In any case, it doesn't really matter now. It was years ago. I have a new best friend now and I'm married to the girl of my dreams. (Additional edit: I married a different girl to the one I was seeing 4 years ago) Thanks for your input, guys!

To whoever bought me Gold, thank you!

Okay, guys. You've worn me down. I'm going to try speak to my friend and the mutual friend and get to the bottom of this. I'll post the results. Please be aware that I may not get instant results (or indeed any results at all) so watch this space.

Update 1) I tried contacting the mutual friend but he appears to be unreachable. According to a couple of my friends he moved to Wales to study at university a couple of years ago and kind of lost touch with everyone here in England. Also, he isn't on Facebook or Twitter or anything and no-one seems to know what he is doing.

My mysterious friend (the guy who ditched me at the pub) has either deleted his Facebook or has blocked me. I'm currently in the process of getting his phone number. I've also asked a couple of friends to let him know that I would really like to speak to him. I found out that he's currently engaged to a girl! Hopefully I'll get closer to talking to him tonight but it's getting kind of late here and don't think it polite to bother him this late. Perhaps more to follow in the morning.

Update 1a) I got my friend's number from another friend. I sent him a Whatsapp message asking him to call me or text me back and that I know it's been a while since we spoke but I'd really love to speak to him and maybe catch up. My phone tells me that he last checked his Whatsapp messages this afternoon. Like I said earlier, it's getting pretty late now so I'm going to assume that he's asleep. And on that note, I'm going to bed (I've got to wake up at 5am). Fingers crossed I have some news in the morning. Night night :)

Update 2) Good news, everyone! My friend (who, to avoid confusion, from here forward we'll call Roger. The mutual friend can be Nick) replied to my message. He said he was working until 3.30pm today and will give me a call this afternoon. The message sounded pretty friendly too. It started with "Hey man!" and he added a smiley, which I think makes it look promising. It's been over two years since I last spoke to him so I'll have to be careful how I approach the conversation later on. Obviously, I'll update you later on how that goes. Getting a bit nervous now.

2:04pm GMT - Starting to get really nervous about talking to my friend when he calls in a while. You guys have no idea how close I came to not texting Roger and just pulling off the longest, most elaborate and most suspenseful "tree fiddy" gag in reddit history instead. Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you, reddit. I just hope he does call me like he said.

OOP Updated the Next Day, June 6, 2014

WARNING! BIG ASS WALL OF TEXT AHEAD!

Update 3) (or 4 or 5 or whatever) I just had a very illuminating conversation with Roger. We had a lovely catch up. He's getting married in September and asked if I wanted to come along. He now runs his own business and DJ's at the weekend... But you don't want to hear about that!

Here we go:

So, collectively, Reddit decided that he was either banging my girlfriend or he was in love with me. Well, the truth is actually a mixture of both.

He wasn't banging my girlfriend. He was in love with her! I think one or two of you actually suggested this but weren't taken very seriously. Give yourselves a round of applause. You were spot on!

You see, what happened is this. Before I started dating my ex (let's call her Penny), Roger had a huge crush on her. We were all at school together but we didn't really know each other then. The problem was, he never said anything about it to anyone. So when I started dating her after college, he felt really envious towards me. I mean, this guy was seriously head-over-heels in love with her but he never did anything about it. I got to know him in college and we became best friends and then when Penny came back on the scene and me and her started dating after Roger and I left college he started to slowly resent me.

When we all started hanging out together, it got incredibly hard for him to watch me and her together as a couple. He kept it all bottled up inside.

Nick, the mutual friend never actually knew about this but he did know "something" was wrong and that Roger really wanted to tell me about it. He said "ask" but "tell" would have been more accurate.

The day Roger met me in the pub, he thought he was ready to tell me but he lost his nerve at the last minute and just couldn't do it. He didn't want to risk splitting us up and making his best friend unhappy. Even though he wanted so much to be with her, he just couldn't betray his best friend. I do think he should have told me that day instead of just cutting me out of his life altogether, but he was obviously hurting so much that he felt that it was his only option left at the time. I kinda feel bad putting it on the internet but this is reddit and I'm just an anonymous stranger so I suppose that makes it a bit better. I just hope he isn't a redditor.

After he left me in the pub that day, I sent him a few texts and facebook messages over a few months but then kind of gave up.

On the phone, he said if I had sent him a friend request or a text in the last year or so, he would have responded. The reason he hasn't been in touch lately is because he assumed I was mad at him. He was so relieved to finally get all of this off his chest.

My ex did end up cheating on me with a different guy, but that's a whole other story.

So, we're friends again thanks to you guys. Now we can start building bridges. Am I mad at him for totally ditching me for years? Hell no! He handled it the only way that made sense to him at the time. I respect that and any hurt or confusion he may have caused is long gone. Was I mad at him for being in love with my girlfriend? Please. What, I'm going to be mad at someone for having feelings for another person? Come on. Besides, the way I see it: he saw her first, he just didn't do anything about it.

Thanks for pestering me to resolve this with your OP pls!'s and the like. Thanks, Reddit. You're awesome.

I'm sorry this story didn't have a more exciting ending but that's life. Stories in real life usually have boring endings. Thanks for sticking with me for this long.

TL;DR Friend was totally gay for my girlfriend, not me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Friday; I just finished work and now I'm going to get very, very drunk.

FINAL COMMENTS

applepiepod

>I'm so happy for you! That's awesome when things work out like that. Good on you for following through!

OOP

>>Thank you. I'm completely thrilled to bits :)

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FeelingWater

Me [29M] and fiancee [23F]—been engaged 1 month, she wants a "better" engagement ring

Original Post  Jan 27, 2018

My fiancee Rachel and I are not materialistic people, but somehow I am finding myself in the middle of a problem that's all about money.

I make about 95k a year and have a career with some upwards mobility. Rachel is a 911 dispatcher making around 32k a year and that's pretty much where she is going to stay for the foreseeable future. She loves her job because it helps people and I respect that. I pay more than half the rent for our pretty nice apartment and we are able to live comfortably, but frugally. I'm pretty much happy as long as I live in a nice space and I don't need to go out and do a bunch of costly activities all the time. We don't overspend on going out to eat or big shopping sprees. Planning our wedding has been similarly frugal with a 10k budget.

One area of savings was the engagement ring. Rach insisted she didn't want anything extreme, so I went with a 1 mm gold band. I think it looks very classy and clean on her, and I thought she liked it too until yesterday.

She sent me an email with some links to rings on Etsy and asked if I might be receptive to a conversation about getting a different engagement ring. One ring has seven diamonds on it. One ring is a big moissanite solitaire. Her favorite ring has three diamonds in a row on it and costs literally ten times what her current ring cost.

Is it wrong that I find this off-putting? We are very practical people and I don't think it's financially prudent to spend a ton of money on a piece of jewelry with no function. I don't like people who care more about engagement rings/weddings than the marriage. And mostly I don't want to get in a fight with my fiancee over money.

tl'dr: Should I have to buy my fiancee a diamond engagement ring? Would it be fair for us to split the cost if I do get the ring?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Eagpt

>A simple gold band is traditionally a wedding ring.  It sounds like you proposed with a wedding ring.

OOP

>>I was going to get a second gold band to be the wedding ring. If you google 1 mm gold band several of the pictures have the woman wearing two.

MsAnthropic

>>> You're not very familiar with women's jewelry, are you?  Those aren't wedding rings -- they're "stackables" that are meant to be worn in multiples.  Wearing a single stackable is kinda weird.  Those are what I call "fashion rings": they're casual jewelry. >>> >>> I mean, you can call a single stackable band a "wedding ring", but it would be highly unconventional.  It'd be ok if she was ok with it, but it's obviously not what she wants.

~

JackNotName

> According to De Beers, based on your salary, you should spend $23,000 on an engagement ring. (3 months salary, right?) > > This is bullshit and a huge waste of money. Diamond prices are inflated by a monopoly. > > --- > > That said, there is a lot of social pressure around this. Someone at her work most likely made her feel cheep or unloved or both, because of how insignificant a simple gold band seems. > > Talk to her. Let her know you love her. See if you guys can't find something "better" that you both feel comfortable with.

OOP

>> Yeah, 23k on an engagement ring would be absolutely insane. If she asked for that it would practically be breakup territory. >> >> She didn't mention anyone at work commenting about the ring, but it's possible. I really don't want to get a new one though because I can't return the one I've already bought, and I am inherently uncomfortable with the idea that I need to get her a "better" ring since the one I picked out isn't good enough.

veronica_deetz

>>> Wow holy shit I am incredibly against the diamond engagement ring propaganda in this country and I fucking gasped at this comment >>> >>> Please note that you are uncomfortable making your (incredibly reasonable) fiancée incredibly happy because you'll lose $68 unrefundable dollars

~

Jilltro

> Rings on Etsy and moissanite rings tend to be pretty inexpensive. How much are we talking here? > > No, you shouldn't HAVE to buy your fiancee a diamond ring and it sounds like she's not demanding one. But I think it's fair that she likes the ring she has to wear and see every day for the rest of her like, and if you can afford it, it seems silly to dig your heels in over this.

OOP

>> I can't link it here, but if you on Etsy and search "LE3N59-N" that's the one she wants. >> >> Her tone isn't demanding but I can tell she really wants an upgrade.

cleveraccountname13

>>>That one cost $695. And you are balking. She is accommodating your cheapness and you are balking. You are blowing this badly. How much did your phone cost?

sunshinenorcas

>>>>He said it's ten times more then the one he bought so he spent $60 on her engagement ring :/

Update - rareddit  Jan 31, 2018 (4 days later)

So I really took you guys' advice to heart and resolved to get my fiancee a better engagement ring. I realize that I really dropped the ball by spending less than $100 on the first ring, and that she deserves something that she loves and a ring that will last for a lifetime.

I took her to a couple of jewelry store to look at rings with a 3.5k budget in mind. She ended up going cheaper than the max budget and picked out a 3.3 carat moissanite solitaire that she is absolutely in love with. I feel like every time I look over at her I catch her staring at her hand with a goofy smile. Admittedly it was hard to spend over a thousand dollars on a cosmetic item, but it gets easier when I see how happy she is and how excited she is about getting married.

I apologized about dropping the ball on the first ring and we ended up having a 2 hour conversation about our values. She said she was hurt that I cheaped out so much and proposed with a fashion ring, but she also felt a lot of pressure to not come off as materialistic so she didn't want to complain. I opened up a bit about my family's money troubles growing up and how it's informed a lot of my current spending habits. We talked a lot about our upcoming marriage and what we want our lives together to be like.

...Then we got around to addressing the elephant in the room. Rachel told me that she thinks I think she is a burden, and that I wish she would quit her job (911 dispatcher) and get something that makes more money and has better hours. I honestly don't mind at all that she has a crazy schedule, and I think her job is very important and should be payed more, but I will admit that I have had thoughts about her developing some new skills and moving into something that makes more money. I have been feeling a small bit of resentment lately for paying a much bigger percentage of rent and bills, but I also really wouldn't want to live in a place that fits in Rachel's budget. She wants me to see that there is more to a career than the money, and that her job gives her a great deal of personal fulfillment. I'd like her to be open to the possibility of moving up the career ladder in her field, whatever that may be.

Basically there has been some resentment and differing expectations built up on both sides. Day to day we are very happy—she is the light of my life and I can say with 100% certainty that I want to be with her no matter what. But we also have some things to sort out, so I am looking into pre-marital counseling.

tl;dr: I bought my fiancee a real engagement ring that she loves, and we had a long conversation that unearthed some resentment from both of us. We are going to see a counselor to help us talk through our problem, but we are also very much in love and excited for the future.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Definitely look into pre-marital counseling! I think you could really benefit from it as your problems are fairly easy to work through. > > Congrats on the ring purchase and engagement! There's nothing better than looking at your SO and seeing them giddy and lovestruck because of something caring and loving you did!

OOP

>>Honestly, seeing her so excited has really helped me get more excited for the wedding. I even made my own ideas board on her Pinterest account for stuff I think would be fun to add.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gottabreakup

Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Abuse, gaslighting, rape!<

Original Post  June 8, 2016

My boyfriend Greg and I have been together for about a year. We don't live together, but spend most nights together and have a lot of stuff at each other's places.

I love him, but I can't be with him anymore. He talks about wanting to live together and get married, etc., but he flat out refuses to go to therapy to deal with anger issues that have come up in our relationship and resulted in him having violent tendencies. He has never hit me but our fights tend to get very "physical" - he throws stuff, pinches/squeezes my arms, holds me down, yells in my face, uses sex as a punishment, and so on.

I really don't see this getting any better. He says he'll stop and that we both need healthier ways to express our emotions, but he also hardly ever wants to talk about his anger issues when we're in a calm state, and he refuses to go to therapy or anything. He also gets pissed off again if I bring up him hurting me or cry about it.

So, I want to break up with him. Badly. But I don't know how to do it. Part of it is that he's REALLY convincing so I don't know if it will be easy for me to follow through once I bring it up. And part of it is that I'm scared he could become really violent.

That's why I'm thinking about breaking up with him in public...like maybe going to coffee or something. The thing is, I've been dumped while on a dinner date and it fucking sucked...I've always thought that's a really messed up thing to do to someone. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me if they think I'm going too far.

TL;DR - scared to break up with my boyfriend at home because he has anger issues, but don't know if it's ok for me to do it in public.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

>No, it's not messed up. If you were my friend, I'd actively encourage you to be in public and even have a friend nearby when you break up with him. Have you considered breaking up with him over text? Or are you really dedicated to doing it face to face?

OOP

>>I hadn't really considered it because we're much more serious than that, I think he'd feel very disrespected if I did that. I might consider asking a friend to be nearby and come check in on me after half an hour or something...

Update! "Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?" (answer: NOPE)  June 10, 2016 (2 days later)

Hey beautiful people!

I wanted to update you guys because I got SO much excellent advice from people here and I wasn't able to reply to a lot of it because I was a little in my head at the time, so I wanted to be able to say THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you at once!

First of all, Greg and I are now officially broken up, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I am a LITTLE anxious about the possibility of him trying to get me back, but some of the stuff he said made me feel this isn't likely. (And for those of you who said to change my locks, etc. - he doesn't have a key to my place! But I am asking a friend to spend the night with me the next few nights just in case!)

So, what I ended up doing: I asked Greg to meet me earlier this afternoon at a park near his place. I sat on the edge of a fountain because it was a spot that was surrounded by people/had a lot of people looking towards it, but there was enough room that we could talk. I also had a guy friend of mine (Sam) sit off at a distance and asked him to keep an eye and he said he'd come over if anything went wrong or it looked like Greg was trying to hurt me or start a confrontation.

I planned out a whole explanation for Greg, including telling him that I wasn't going to reconsider but that I really thought he should get help for unaddressed issues from his childhood. He immediately said, "I know. You're right. I'll get help. I've been wanting to get help for a while now." To which I was like uh, no, you haven't, you've actually told me you think therapy is bullshit and refused to even discuss it, but good, get help. And then he said "only if you stay with me," and I reiterated that wouldn't be happening.

He continued trying to talk me out of breaking up with him, like I knew he would, and made me sound really fucking crazy for thinking it was a good idea - he kept saying stuff like, "you think it's abuse for me to hold your arms down when you're being a cunt and I don't know what crazy shit you're going to pull?" (for the record, I have NEVER been violent to him, except in trying to get him away from me, and he has no reason to expect this from me)...and "you just don't know what abuse is because you were spoiled" and, when I would bring up specific instances, "that never happened," "you're making it sound so much worse than it was, I was just trying to de-escalate things," etc. - basically, giving up on telling me to stay and just trying to convince me I was making stuff up.

At some point, he got really tense and quiet and snide and he said "really? You think that's abuse? You think this is abuse?" and grabbed my arm really firmly and dug his nails in (I'm already getting bruises). I probably physically could have gotten away from him but I kind of felt like my brain shut down because it hurt more than what he's done in the past, and because it was kind of an unexpected perfect workaround for my plan...in that it probably didn't outwardly look like much (no one noticed) but still hurt.

He continued to basically go after everything he knows is a sore point for me..."you're just a spoiled bitch," "you don't get it because the worst thing that's ever happened to you is that you regretted fucking someone" (referring to a very traumatic forcible rape), "you're a fat cunt anyway"...essentially, targeting everything that was an insecurity for me. I now see he's been doing that in our relationship for a long time in more subtle ways. He's very good at reading people's weaknesses and using them against people.

After he let go of me, I stood up and said "NO" (I couldn't really think straight) and started running towards Sam. Greg got up and tried to grab my arm and pull me back, and I stopped so he wouldn't yank my arm off. Sam saw this and came over and physically pulled him off me and told him it's over and he needs to leave me alone and walk away. Sam is a big, pretty intimidating-looking guy - a lot bigger than Greg, which was helpful here. Greg said "fuck you both, she's got you believing her bullshit too," and then "fuck you, you cunt, you don't deserve me," and walked away.

About an hour after that, he started texting me saying he was sorry, that he really wanted my help addressing his issues, that he knew exactly what he's done wrong and he can really acknowledge it now and change, that this was a breaking point for him and he felt so guilty for "making me feel hurt," etc. (I should have blocked him earlier, but I was texting about where to meet up until he got there, and afterwards felt kind of shaken and forgot about it.) I blocked him on my phone and also on Facebook and Twitter. (You apparently can't really block people on gmail, only send their stuff to spam, but I did that too.)

I literally never want to see or hear from him again. I honestly thought I'd feel at least a little sad or guilty or "what if"-y, but I'm not. I'm so happy to be done with him. After the way he spoke to me today, I can honestly say that I was just wrong about him. I thought he was a good person who just had issues, but he's not - he's a person who's 100% willing to hurt me in ways that no one should, and only apologetic about it when HE faces consequences. I think he genuinely lacks a capacity for empathy - it doesn't hurt him to see me cry or hear that I feel scared! It only hurts him to know that might mean he doesn't get to be with me anymore. Everything he said and did was completely focused on how HE felt and how HE was reacting to things.

So, yeah, I feel a lot of relief now - not only because he's gone, but because this affirmed to me once and for all that EVERYTHING I thought was true and I 100% did the right thing by breaking up with him. He's just not a good guy, and I tend to have a really hard time judging people so I always chalked it up to his past and the fact that he was mistreated by others, but at a certain point, I also think it just doesn't matter why someone is the way they are, especially if they don't care about changing it until it affects THEM.

I also came across this quote while I was researching yesterday that was from a social worker, who said women would tell her their husbands break things when they're angry but it's just because they're out of control and don't know what they're doing, and she would always ask them if their husbands ever break their own things, and the answer was always no - they only break their wives' things. And the social worker said, basically, this proves that they aren't out of control - they know exactly what they're doing and do it anyway. The way Greg acted today reminded me of this - he figured out a perfect way to hurt me even though we were in public, and exactly what to say to me, and he wasn't yelling or getting in my face or being obviously aggressive because he KNEW he couldn't and was actually in control of his behavior. He just hurt me (physically and emotionally) because he wanted to. Not because he had to.

Ok, sorry this is so long winded. I just really wanted to share with you guys because I feel surprisingly great right now and I honestly have no idea how that would have gone if I hadn't gotten advice from you all first, but I suspect it could have gotten pretty ugly.

TL;DR - broke up with Greg (and learned exactly how nasty he is) and feel FREE! THANK YOU!

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I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/AtteScary & u/scryie

To all the parents of Reddit, please keep your children under control. Because of a careless parent, I am now disabled.

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder for letting me know this updated

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: >!assault, malpractice, debilitating injury, withholding medical care, mentions suicide!<

Original Post recovered with rareddit  Oct 21, 2023

It's another night where the pain won't let me sleep. Might as well get this off my chest while I wait for the painkillers to kick in.

I 22f, used to work at a thrift store close to my house from December of last year until April. I used to go thrifting there with my mother, I applied out of nostalgia. The work was fast paced but I liked it, I would've liked it more if the clothes were cleaner, if the pay was minimum wage and y'know, if there were no kids that will attack you.

We had many regulars who with time I became acquainted with, mostly because I was the only Spanish speaking worker on the salesfloor. One of them was a mother of 3, who's children always caused trouble, running around the store, breaking stuff and no matter how many times I told the mother to keep her kids in line, she'd only scold them for a second, then let them cause havoc around the store again. I never would've guessed that one of her kids would attack me.

This wasn't the first time the kid hit me, but it was the first time where it genuinely hurt. I don't know what that kid's head was made out of, but when the kid headbutted me full force on the hip while attending his mother, I curled and cried from the pain. I had to prevent the child from hitting me again while his mother was still looking at the red dress I handed her. My only guess to why the kid attacked me was because I had the red dress in my hands, and the kid was playing pretend to be a bull (he was doing that foot thing you see bulls do in bullfighting).

My managers didn't call an ambulance for me, or referred me to a work accident doctor like they should've. I had to limp to my car and drive myself to my family doctor where I waited 2 hours to be seen. I was given an X-ray, ultrasound, MRI and painkillers. They detected an ovarian cyst, most likely from the hit. Doctors thought that was the source of my pain, but it healed since and till this day, 6 months after the work accident, I'm still in pain and I still limp.

I'm currently in a workers comp case with the thrift store's insurance, only because the mother fled when my coworkers confronted her and never came back. My lawyer's said that when the case is over, I'm most likely going to be on some sort of disability pension, paid by the thrift store's insurance company, until (or if) I make a full recovery.

It's been 6 months with no signs of getting better. I can't walk long distances, I can't sit down for long, I can't crouch, I can't jump, I can't run and I can't lay on my left side anymore. The pain won't let me sleep, I constantly feel something wooshing around my left hip joint and I have nightmares about that day. What I'm trying to say is, I really really miss the mobility and life I used to have. My life is just constant pain now, and it's making me depressed.

So, to all the parents who might see this, PLEASE for the love of God, keep your children under control.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

frankiefile

>As a doctor, I can completely assure you that external trauma cannot cause an ovarian cyst. I am sorry for your injury

OOP

>>I've read some comments about this and I'm almost shocked by it. My family doctor had explained to me that's what caused it, so I just took it.When it burst a couple of days later, I was put on birth control to help it heal. I genuinely am just finding this out and I'm sorry for all the confusion it caused.

OOP EDITED POST

Thank you everyone for your comments, support and advice. I'm really grateful to all the kind people here. I am removing the post because I started to get threats from users who are calling this all bullshit.

I know now there's no correlation with the ovarian cyst and the work accident, but my doctors had told me it was. I'm sorry for the confusion.

I know it sounds all sounds absurd, but it happened and I'm in pain everyday because of a careless mother and her wreckless kid. I simply just wanted to get this off my chest.

I'm going to keep the post up, purely because so many comments were so helpful, and I want to mention some things commented here to my lawyers.

Again thank you everyone who gave me advice. and shared similar stories. I'm feeling hopeful and will advocate more for my health :)

Update  Jan 21, 2024 (3 Months later)

It's been around 3 months since I posted here ranting about my work accident. If this is your first time seeing this: I had a work accident at my old job at a thrift store where a kid who was known to be trouble headbutted me in the hip, and the mother denied it all and fled. Ever since I have been more persistent with the workers comp after everyone told me that I was misinformed and not represented well. I waited this long because just this month I got the news of what's really wrong with me.

At first, I was told that my ovary and the cyst around it was the cause of the pain, that the kid hit me so hard that it caused a cyst to form and pop. Just thinking that's what I believed is silly, but like I said, I was misinformed. 2 MRI's with contrast later, they figured out I had a labral tear on the left hip joint, as well as hip bursitis, a swelling of the bursae.

I haven't been able to work, or walk well since April of last year, I've been taking it as calmly as I can. But, finally, I'm going to receive treatment: 2 steroid injections to the hip. The doctor is hopeful that my labral tear will heal, but he warned me the bursitis might be permanent.

That's where I am right now, I'm just waiting for the shots to get approved. I did start receiving TTD checks, but the pain is still a 24/7 thing. At least my muscle relaxants helps me sleep through the night :).

NEW UPDATE

Final Update  Aug 8, 2026 (2 and a half years later)

I don't know if anyone would remember the post I made 2 years ago, on a different account. I had to delete my old account since I was getting WAAAY too much hate for judging the mother of the kid who injured me. I'm talking hundreds of people arguing in the comments, and many nasty DM's. However, after 3 very long years, it's nearing its end. First 3 paragraphs are a recap:

I used to work at a very popular thrift store chain in the U.S. I started working for them when I was 21 in 2022. It was a very underpaid job, but I enjoyed it. Being the only hispanic on the team meant I was the person who had to help Spanish speaking clients. Most of them were incredibly nice, but a frequent shopper, a mom of 3 (none older than 10), would give the store a horrible time. She'd let her children run around the store unattended. They'd climb the clothing racks, cause havoc in the toy section, and damage whatever they could. I felt more like a babysitter at that point, and of course no matter how many times I'd tell the mother to tend to her children, she never once listened.

One day in April 2023, the same mother and children came to the store, and the mom had questions about a dress she saw on the racks. She handed me the dress, seeing if I could figure out how to style it, and I swooshed it around trying to figure it out. In the corner of my eye, I see her middle child (maybe 6 years old) doing that same mannerism Bull's do before they attack the Matador. I didn't mind it, and continued helping the mother when the kid suddenly rams onto me full force with his head, right on my left hip joint.

Only the people who have experienced a labral tear know how that felt. I couldn't fathom how much pain I was in over something so ridiculous. The mother didn't even berate her son, or told him to stop, in fact, the kid tried ramming for a second time when I had to physically hold his head and yell at the mom to keep her child away from me. The rest was such a haze, I don't remember asking to go home early, but I ended up at my primary doctor, too broke to go to the E.R. They thought this was an ovary issue at first. I used up all of my sick days trying to recover, and I quit my job once my coworker told me that both of my managers were speaking ill of me, insisting I was faking my injury. The mother never came back to my workplace either.

Once my savings was emptied out trying to figure out what was wrong with me, my family convinced me to open a Workers Compensation case. It took a little over a year to figure out I had a hip labral tear, and minor damage to the femur. My job's insurance and their own doctors insisted and swore for YEARS that the injury wasnt related to the accident, and I caused my own labral tear by being obese. Luckily my WC doctor always had my back, and I'm forever indebted to him. I was put on a NO WORK notice for 3 years, receiving disability checks. However my job did not care, and pushed to place me under light work this entire time, since they're a very well known company for hiring disabled folk. I'm telling you, as someone who's worked there, and saw how they treat the disabled and seniors, I was not going to be comfortable there like they insisted.

For 3 years, my life was on hold. I lost my early 20's to this case. I was too scared of going outside because of Private Investigators, I was in too much pain to do anything, and I lost my dad during this time too. I had planned to kill myself, when I got too drunk at a Christmas party and told my plans to who drunk me thought was Elijah Wood. I was put on suicide watch, and with my boyfriend's help and my siblings support, I got a little better.

For 3 years, my old job's insurance denied the surgery I needed. I lost enough weight to undergo the knife, but they held to their guns right until the end that my labral tear wasn't related to what happened at my job. I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and decided to settle my case instead. My lawyer's assistant mentioned this idea to me that I could settle, and get the surgery in my hometown in Mexico, recover both my mind and body. This idea sold me immediately, I didn't even consider this was an option.

Yesterday during the final mediation, my job's insurance FINALLY admitted that the injury was related to the work accident, and offered to schedule the surgery right then and there instead of settling. I didn't even consider it. My old job's insurance company is actually evil, and tried settling for only 20k until my lawyer managed to double it and then some. It does suck that after 3 years, I settled for 58k, and that's before legal fees. However, I am free from EvilDeed Inc., and that's worth more than any amount of money in the world.

Some might call me stupid for settling for so little, but you try being belittled by every doctor they brought forward, pointing at your weight instead of the actual injury for 3 years. Try enduring shots to the hip joint without prior notice or consent, and then try driving home because transportation was never approved. Get denied physical therapy or occupational therapy every single time no matter how many doctors INSISTED I should get on it. I wasn't even on any arthritis medication despite my records saying I've developed severe osteoarthritis and hip bursitis. I took enough Ibuprofen to give myself long lasting stomach damage. I even gave myself a right hip injury from overworking it all these years. I want full control of my medical treatments, I don't want to be scared of going outside anymore, I want to catch up with everyone my age.

For the first time in years, I'm hopeful towards my future. Once I get the surgery, I want to fulfill my goal, the whole reason why I even started working, was to afford college. When I'm physically better, the first thing I'll do is hike the mountain I couldn't before, because that's where my dad's ashes are. The nightmare is nearing its end, I survived! Yippee!!!

OOP Added in the comments

I forgot to mention that for the first year and a half of my injury, I was a caregiver to my dad, who later died of pulmonary fibrosis. Looking back, I genuinely don't know how I managed to do that. The day he died was the day I found out I was being followed by private investigators.

My dad was already in at home hospice care, my siblings were taking turns during the night to monitor him as he was deteriorating fast since entering a coma like state where he couldn't stay awake for more than a couple of seconds. I stayed up with him from 4am until I had to leave to my WC doctor's office to receive the PI news that I was unaware of. The last words I told him was that'd I'd tell him all about my doctor's visit when I came back. He nodded and smiled, I kissed his forehead, and when I came back home, already mortified over Private Investigators, my dad was already gone.

I don't think I can ever forgive my old job from robbing me the last moments I could've had with my dad. Everyone but me managed to say goodbye. My caregiver and survivors guilt is still pretty strong even after 2 years since his passing.

When my lawyer told me if I went ahead with the surgery with them, that they'd expect me back to work, I decided to settle, cut ties forever with them. I don't want to return ever, not only for the mistreatment, but because I never managed to properly say goodbye to my dad. Fuck Goodwill man.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bakadere_Spice

> There were no repercussions for the mom?!?!?! I would've gone CRAZY pressing charges. > > I'm happy that this is finally nearing its end for you and you can continue with your life now. That's amazing!

OOP

>> The mom actually came back the very next day as if nothing happened! Instead of immediately calling the police, my coworkers surrounded the mom yelling at her, and tried to trap her in the store until the cops arrived. She obviously got really scared and managed to flee before they could even call the police. I tried working for a week after I used up my vacation days , just to see if she'd come back. However once I realized she wasn't coming back, it wasn't worth the hip pain to continue working, and once I heard that managers were gossiping about my injury, I quit. I heard years later that 2 other coworkers walked out the day after me in solidarity. >> >> Edit: Forgot to mention I wasn't there when the mother came to back to the store (for obvious reasons). If I had been there it would've gone way differently.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/oopschicken

I [29F] accidentally ran over my neighbor's [40sM/F] chicken and I don't know how to resolve the situation

Original Post  Apr 5, 2016

The details are pretty much in the title. I live in an affluent suburb within an urban area and many of the people in my community own chickens. I guess it's a thing in suburbs now, I'm not sure. But in any case, when my husband and I moved in, we noticed a lot of chicken coops in back yards.

My next-door neighbors own about 12 chickens that they allow to range down our street. It's not all the time, but occasionally I'll come home and see some chickens plucking in our front yard. It's not a big deal and I'm not bothered by it in the slightest.

This morning I was in a rush to head to work. I had gone into the office early, but forgotten some packets I had created for a work presentation. So I rushed home, gathered everything, and rushed out. Except in rushing out, I felt the dreaded "ba-dunk-dunk" that meant I had hit something. I looked over to my right and saw a few chickens in my front yard and my heart sank even lower.

I got out of my car and sure enough, I had hit and killed one of my neighbor's chickens. I called my husband, freaking out, unsure of what to do. He told me to wrap it up in some newspaper or something and leave it by the neighbor's chicken coop and he would call my neighbor.

Of course, we didn't have newspaper so I ended up wrapping up the poor thing in a trash bag. I also wrote an apology/sympathy note, expressing my sincere condolences for the accident and offering to help in any way I could. This was all very quick due to my standing appointment at work, so it was perhaps less polished than I would prefer, but I wanted to try and do it as right as possible.

Husband called neighbor during my presentation and our neighbor was not happy. And not happy to the point of going on a community message board and Facebook and talking about us. He said we stuffed his chicken in a trash bag and scribbled a note about it on an old fast food bag (which isn't true, I have blank stationary and used one of the blank cards for the note.)

He also began talking about pressing charges and reported us to the HOA. And now it's this huge thing and half of our neighborhood hates us and I'm not sure how we can resolve the situation, peacefully.

I think we should offer to buy a new chicken for our neighbor, but my husband disagrees. He thinks it's the neighbor's own negligence in letting his chickens roam, which led to this. Husband believes an accident was bound to happen and neighbor is to blame. Which, I don't necessarily disagree with, but this chicken was a pet to my neighbor and when a pet dies or is killed, people's emotions can get the best of them.

What's a good way to resolve this, Reddit?

   tl;dr: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's chicken. Neighbor is angry and is defaming our character to the rest of the neighborhood. How can I resolve this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

applesauceUG

> Screw that dip, you shouldn't have apologized since that indicates you did something wrong. Now he feels he has something to be offended about. > > The truth is he shouldn't be letting his chickens run all over the fucking place if he wants their safety guaranteed. I see you posted you often find them grazing in your yard. That is well outside the bounds of where his chickens should be allowed to roam. > > If I were you I would contact HOA (don't mention the incident, just find some facts) about what the allowance of pets/livestock are and where they are allowed to roam unattended. Most likely they don't allow somebodies chickens to run around on other peoples properties with or without a caretaker. > > I bet the HOA threat is bullshit on his side, so find out their true stance on pets/livestock roaming the neighborhood and onto other properties unattended. Next time he says anything about it you can let them know the HOA sides with you and not him. > > You are NOT in the wrong here.

OOP

>>I will call my HOA president on my home from work today - good idea. I didn't even think of researching the animal laws within the city.

~

1950sGuy

> I'd say to keep the peace, pay for a new chicken which is like six dollars (i've had them for years, hell if you're in ohio, you can come get a chicken from me) but he's being totally unreasonable. Free range chickens die. they die a lot, and often. It's the cost of doing business when you let them roam free, which I guarantee is against some city ordnance anyway. Let him contact the HOA, i'm actually quite surprised they even let you have chickens to begin with. > > Again, i'd offer to pay for the chicken he was basically neglectful about just to keep the peace, if he won't accept, fuck 'em and sit on your porch with a bucket of KFC and glare at him.

OOP

>> Oh husband was already asking if he could stop by Popeye's tonight and bring it to the HOA meeting. >> >> I didn't realize chickens were so cheap! I think I'll do that as well as what another poster suggested, which is contact the HOA regarding livestock/pet roaming allowance. We are legally bound to keep our dogs on a leash so it's not unreasonable to assume that my neighbor would be bound to keep his chicken in the coop.

Update  Apr 7, 2016 (2 Days Later)

Hi Reddit, I meant to update yesterday but it was another long work day and I pretty much collapsed once I got home. My original post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4di6af/i_29f_accidentally_ran_over_my_neighbors_40smf/

First of all, thank you all for the advice (and the laughs.) I truly felt bad for running over the chicken, it just left me feeling icky for accidentally harming and killing an animal. But your perspective was welcome and helped lighten the mood.

My husband would like to treat you all to a round of beers because he’s convinced that everyone was on his side (even though I'm not sure there were sides.) He also thoroughly enjoyed your egg-cellent responses, which I’m afraid has only encouraged his continued chicken jokes. Husband is a special man.

But on to the update. I ended up working late on Tuesday, but while I was working my HOA president (Michael) called me. He apologized for not seeing the NextDoor posts earlier and he had put in a request (on our behalf) to have the post removed.

Apparently the thread grew so large that someone had started a second thread about the incident. But thankfully the request went through and the posts were pulled before it could get worse. We couldn’t do much about the Facebook posts, but oh well?

Michael asked if husband and I could come to the meeting earlier so he could talk with us. So pretty much when I got home, we went to meet with Michael. The gist of the conversation was that our neighbor has a knack for causing issues with others in the neighborhood. Most people in the community ignore it, but some people also like the drama of getting involved. Michael said it would blow over eventually and in the meantime, if we needed support, we could call on him and his husband to help out. Michael also assured us that he would address it in the general meeting.

At the HOA meeting, Michael opened it up by reminding us that we are a community and it’s important to respect each other and that if we have issues, we need to resolve them privately. He said harassment online or in person would not be tolerated and reminded us that it would be in the victim's right to contact law enforcement. He also passed around packets that outlined our city’s ordinances regarding animals and he said any violations with free range livestock would be fined starting that evening.

After the meeting, many people came up to us to show their support and overall we left feeling better and not ostracized. We did not end up offering to buy a new chicken because neighbor and his wife pretty much avoided us and they left before the meeting was over. So the bad news is that we won’t be able to borrow their lawnmower or be invited to their annual summer party. The good news is that I think we’ll still survive.

I also think some of my distress over the event has been around being stressed with work (I’ve been pulling 60-70 hr weeks lately) and of course, accidentally harming and killing an animal. I think those two factors combined made me blow it all out of proportion a bit.    tl;dr: HOA president is a champ and has helped support us through this mess. Most of our neighbors still like us. Next-door Neighbor is just a jerk who likes to cause problems. Husband is meal-planning chicken-focused meals for the next week. I’m going to put in a request some vacation time.

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I know my sisters [23F] boyfriend [25M] is cheating on her, I have proof. But he is threatening to tell her I broke something of hers that he paid to replace.

Original Post  June 6, 2016

Hi everyone, so I have never used Reddit before. I am 15 and I live in Pennsylvania with my sister. I technically am suppose to be living with my mom but she is always away on business. I live with my sister 40 weeks out of the year

A while back I tripped over the step and I knocked the table. Unfortunately for me she had a flower vase on the table and it fell and shattered. I was freaking out because it looked really expensive and I thought she will kill me.

It was stupid but I tried to fix it with super glue, I know again stupid but I was panicking. Her boyfriend came home and he saw what had happened. He told me to calm down we will just go get another one. She got it from this online store and he ordered the exact same one from online. It cost $150. He told me once I get a job I have to pay him back the money

2 weeks ago I went to go use the computer and he was still logged into his Facebook. You know how when you get a message on Facebook it pops up on your screen. Thats what had happened, but it has been there for a while if that makes sense. I read the message this woman sent and it said something about giving him a blowjob.

I read through the messages and it was basically sexting, sending nudes and there was even times to meet up. I took photos on the conversation with my cell phone. The more I started think about it, the more I was put off telling my sister. I thought that I really had no proof he slept with her and I was not sure if this was cheating or not. It wasn't physically as far as I knew at the time, to my understanding cheating is when you have sex with someone.

3 nights ago I came home and I walked in on my sisters boyfriend making out with the same lady from Facebook. I arrived home earlier then I should have and he kinda freaked out. He told me not to tell my sister because I owed him one.

He told me I still owed him money from the broken vase and my sister would be pissed at me for breaking it in the first place. He is not here at the moment. I am upstairs in my room and my sister is downstairs with her friend. I don't know what to do

   tl;dr: I have proof my sisters boyfriend is cheating on her. He told me not to tell her because I owe him money for the vase I broke and he will tell my sister I broke the vase

TOP COMMENTS

AwkwardBurritoChick

>$150 vase is nothing compared to knowing that your boyfriend is cheating on you.  Also let her know he's trying to blackmail you.  This guy is a douche.

~

Trombone-a-thon

>Hey, you won't have to pay him back when you tell your sister and she dumps his ass!

Update  June 6, 2016 (Same Day)

Thank you.

I told my sister and showed her the proof the short version of events is, she could care less about the vase. She was more upset about the blackmailing and cheating then anything. She rents her place, he just lives here like me. She texted him and told him not to bother coming home, if he comes she will call the cops

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My [30F] mom [65F] was responsible for my dog being killed. Then it got worse. Don't know how to handle this situation.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Dog hit by car!<

Original Post  May 4, 2016

I'm really struggling here--especially with Mother's Day just up ahead and everything, I could use some help.

I got my dog (golden/lab mix) in 2008 when she was a puppy. The last year I have been moving and traveling, and my mom lives alone, and has a big backyard, and she offered to take the Dog in. Dog was an INCREDIBLY well-behaved girl because I worked really hard training her. My whole life we had dogs but they were never trained properly and left in the backyard. I remember my mom always getting frustrated with the dogs because they handled so poorly on a leash or jumped on people, etc because none of the adults in our family took the time to train. When I got Dog, I swore I'd have one of those dogs you saw in the movies.

So, Dog was great off leash, she would stay by my side and knew all level of commands after years of work. When I left her with my mom, I was incredibly anxious, because I knew I had a firmer hand than my mom as far as discipline and knew my dog had a certain relationship with me that she might not have with others, so I made it EXPLICITLY clear to her to always have Dog on a leash, even though everyone in my family knew she was great off leash (not on walks or in the park, I'm talking just in the front yard or something) but I was always nervous and hyper aware of other dogs and other people/cars/etc and was quick to get to Dog or command her back in the house, etc.

I remember when I came home to visit for Christmas, and saw Dog and how happy she was (my mom too! She loved Dog) but saw my mom having her off leash while she made trips to and from the car. I put Dog on a leash and told her "I know she doesn't run off or anything, but you just never know. Haha, I mean, is that a phone call you want to make to me? Haha." And she agreed--Dog always on a leash.

Well, I did get a phone call a few days ago. Which I knew to be serious, since mom only calls when it's serious. It was simply my mom's sobbing voice saying "Dog has passed. It's already over. I'm so sorry." I couldn't process, but I KNEW how, and I told my mom I'd call her back. I cried. Called some friends. Waited a few hours while I processed and called her back. My mom told me my worst fear, "You were right. I should have had her on a leash. I'm so sorry. I was cleaning up the front yard and she was just by my side. Then she saw a big dog across the street and just bolted! And the car hit her. I took her to the vet but they lost her. I was supposed to protect her and I didn't. I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me."

The whole time my mom was crying, I knew she loved that dog too, and the guilt... I can't even imagine how difficult that call was. She also had to call my bro and sis, sis in particular was very attached to Dog and would take her camping/hiking/swimming when she had the time.

So I told her, "I forgive you. It's okay. I love you. I gotta go." and hung up. A few texts back and forth, my mom telling me how hard it is coming home to an empty house and me just being sorta numb. She texted asking if I wanted the body to be buried or cremated. I texted back cremated and she said okay.

I wasn't angry, just incredibly sad and depressed about the whole thing. This was five days ago.

Well, I didn't call my mom or get a chance to see her. She also didn't call, or text besides an occasional "how are you doing?" which I would reply "as well as can be, etc." I didn't get any texts/phone calls from my siblings.

I was on Facebook yesterday when I saw my sister make a big dramatic post about Dog, along with my brother, his GF and her kids, my mom and my sister all spreading ashes on the beach.

I can't even describe how devastated I felt. It was like I got punched in the heart. I called my mom and that's when the anger came through. I asked what the hell they were doing, and my mom was stunned and stammered they were just spreading Dog's ashes. I demanded to know why I wasn't notified they were doing this and my mom replied that it "just sorta happened" and that my bro went with her to pick up the urn and sis happened to be home and they all were talking about it and "sis was just so devastated, she needed some closure before going back to college, etc" I could tell my mom knew she fucked up, but she had no explanation why I wasn't texted/called/fucking ANYTHING regarding this. I felt like a crazy person because it was just this circular "I don't know" over and over again from her. I feel so hurt and disrespected. I asked if they kept any ashes and my mom quietly said "No." I hung up.

She's texted me and called multiple times, but I haven't answered. I am so beyond, beyond hurt and angry. I've never lost something so dear to me, so I have no idea how rational I am, I understand it's "just a dog" but she wasn't. She was my friend, I raised her, trained her, took her with me everywhere and it was just this last year I didn't feel it was fair to her to travel so much with her and I trusted her with my mom and this all happened. I don't even know how to process.

I don't know where to go from here. I really don't. I can't even look at my phone because of all the guilty/apologizing texts. I just want to be left alone, but I also don't want my mom to hurt but I'm so confused as to why she would do this or what possible logic she could have. Advice would be appreciated...

tl;dr: Mom was dog-watching my dog and had her off leash after I told her not to do so. Dog was hit by a car and killed. Then my family took her ashes without me and spread them on the beach. Found out on Facebook. Trouble processing.

Edit: For questions in the comments (and thank you to everyone replying, I'm reading every one) Yes, I live about 30 miles away and while I don't have a car, I would have taken a cab or a bus if need be to attend any sort of ceremony. The rest of my family all live within a mile of each other and Sis goes to college in the same town they do. I tried asking why I wasn't invited or even notified but my mom wouldn't give me any response to this question which is why I'm so angry/hurt/confused.

Edit 2: Just received an email from my mom. I haven't responded.

> Dear---, I know you are grieving and can’t talk to me right now, and I understand that. I know it’s my fault and I thank you for not saying it is, but you would be right to do so and if you did that would be okay too. > > I can’t forgive myself, so I understand if you can’t forgive me right now. You trusted me with your dog and I let you both down. It never should have happened – I knew better. You told me never let her in the front yard without a leash. Just 30 seconds was all it took. If I had just turned back a split second earlier, she would have followed me. > > I will relive it over and over in my head for as long as I breathe. > > She was such a big part of everyone’s life – we all have memories – it is unbearable to me that she is gone. I just loved her so much. We all did. I didn’t even realize how much I talked to her until the house was empty. I can’t sleep in the bedroom. I can’t be in the backyard and see her toys. I have no reason to go home anymore. > > But she was YOUR baby. You picked her out, you raised her, you trained her and she was always so HAPPY to see you! She was so special in every way. If I had just let her go back to you, she would be here, but you generously let her be with me. I’m so sorry and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. > > I am so SO sorry about the spreading of the ashes, I had NO RIGHT to do that. None of us did. I don't have any explanation other than we were all emotional. I don't have the words to express how sorry we all are. > > I don’t want sympathy – I’m not feeling sorry for myself – I am feeling sorry for how I failed all of you, but especially you and Dog. I deserve every minute of this pain. > > But you don’t, and that I will regret eternally. > > I love you, Mom

Update  May 5, 2016 (Next Day)

Thank you to everyone who left a comment and who also told their stories of their own pet loss situations. I read every one.

I don't know if anyone cares for an update, but I have one.

To answer questions, I did send my mom $100 a week for food/toys/flea meds and also paid any unexpected vet bills (Dog was prone to ear infections). Since traveling has died down a lot for me for work, I told my mom earlier this year I could take her back anytime, especially if she needed a break, but I think my mom really dragged her feet since she loved Dog so much. I liked that my mom had someone in the house with her, especially a bigger dog who could alert her to things outside, etc, and help her exercise with walking. There wasn't any urgent need to get her back ASAP but I was ready/willing to. I did also visit when I could, at least once or twice a month for dinners/movies/etc.

So, update. My brother called me in the afternoon yesterday, after my mom had sent the email. He's 28, a weightlifting bartender 'dude-bro' kinda guy, and it was really hard on him when it all happened since his mom, little sister and girlfriend (and her two little kids) were around when all this happened and they were all upset and crying. He called to ask how I was doing and to let me know he was sorry because it was just really overwhelming and he had no idea what to do. My mom was a TOTAL mess on the day, and my brother left work early to be there for her. His GF was also in the picture since (I didn't know this) his GF and her kids were playing in the backyard at my mom's when all this happened. GF heard my mom screaming and helped get Dog into the car.

Bro let me know that it was Sis who was adamant they hold some type of impromptu ceremony after they received the ashes a few days later. He and my mom both brought up me, but she'd stated that it was "obvious" I wanted time alone and that "these types of things" upset me so it was best to do it just them. Then she started crying and I guess that made everyone cave.

Apparently it was a 'group' cremation, which I didn't know was a thing, I assumed it would be individual, like with people. That knowledge sorta helped me since it didn't feel like it was 'exclusively' Dog, which might sound weird, I don't know.

On the day, my Bro called the vet and asked about the pawprint thing, like they make a cast of it or something. The vet said my mom had opted out, but my brother asked if it was too late. They said it wasn't, so he said please do that. I don't blame my mom for opting out, she wasn't in the best headspace and we've had morbid conversations before where she has said things like that creep her out and upset her. But my brother thought of me and thought I might like it (I would) so, I really appreciated that he did that.

Now for the weird part. Apparently at the beach, my Sis (who is 20) took a lot of pictures and also used Snapchat and Instagram, which my Bro knows since she was bitching about the lack of signal. He got angry but didn't say anything since he didn't feel it was appropriate.

I asked about the Instagram, since I wasn't aware she had one. He texted me her account and holy shit. There were four posts about Dog's death and from the beach, more pictures than I'd seen on Facebook. Apparently my sis is popular on campus and has thousands of followers on Instagram. Not only did she post about Dog's death with big descriptions and photos, she also straight up stole seven pictures I had uploaded to my own Facebook over the years. Like when Dog was a puppy, or in training classes, or chillin' on the couch. Photos I took before Sis had even met her! She stole them from my Facebook, slapped a shitty filter on it and claimed it as her own on her Instagram and put these big descriptions and hashtags to them. A lot of you guys guessed it, she did it for the 'likes' or comments whatever. OR I'm being incredibly angry and not realizing this is how she grieves? I have no idea. It just left me feeling hurt and creeped out. I thanked him for calling me and told him I'd text him later but that I just needed some space. He said no problem, and he'd let me know when he could get the paw print to me.

I called my mom after I spoke with Bro, and told her I got her email. She cried again and apologized, it was tough to listen to. She told me she bought a peony to plant in the garden in the backyard in Dog's memory, but that it was too hard for her right now to do so since the backyard is emotional for her at the moment.

I asked if she wanted to do any Mother's Day things this Sunday and she said she hadn't even thought of Mother's Day, and that she didn't really feel like 'celebrating'. She asked if I wanted to do something for Dog this weekend, like maybe plant the peony, but I said I didn't feel comfortable with having Mother's Day associated with that sort of thing, it was kinda a downer. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to do and I told her the truth, that I didn't feel like doing anything either and that I kinda needed some space. She said she understood and that we can always do something later to make up for it.

I didn't say anything about ashes, or Sis and her Instagram or that whole thing, it wasn't brought up at all, other than my mom being sorry for "everything". Not sure if I should mention Sis, I think my mom would get upset all over again, but then, I'm not sure if this is just how 'that generation' grieves or something. My sis is incredibly hard to read, but we never have gotten along since she's very extroverted and opinionated and I'm... less so. I have no idea the next time I will see Sis, or how I'll react when I do so... Yeah, it'll be interesting. We were already low contact since we don't have a lot in common and she works/goes to school away from me. Not sure what to do about that... Sis turns 21 in June and before all this happened my mom asked what big present we should get her. Ugh.

tl;dr: Reconnected with Bro and Mom for the better, let them both know I needed space but would contact them in the near future. Turns out Sis used photos/the death for her Instagram and Snapchat, but not sure if it's grief or attention. Incredibly angry but haven't done or said anything.

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My [27F] fiance [28M] has walked out on me four days before the wedding to go "find himself" in Asia. Blindsided, heartbroken, and mortified. What the hell do I do now?

Original Post - rareddit  Apr 19, 2016

My fiance (Jack) and I have been together for 4 years. We own an apartment together, we rarely argue. It was the happiest, least problematic relationship I've ever been in. I don't understand.

He proposed to me last year, and we've spent the last 9 months saving relentlessly for our wedding. Venue booked, guests all invited, both of us were so excited. I know we both individually had some bouts of nervousness, especially as the date got closer. But as far as I know it was just the excitement and build up. Jack never expressed any doubts about our relationship and I have no idea why this has happened.

Yesterday:

Four days to go and I come out of the bedroom in the morning to see Jack sat in the living room looking like he's about to throw up. I immediately feel something is off. He sits me down and starts telling me he doesn't "feel the same anymore and hasn't for a while". He said he thought getting married might fix things but he now knows how stupid that is. To be honest I don't remember the majority of what he said, the only thing I could hear was my heartbeat drumming in my ears. He then told me he'd booked a one way ticket to Asia and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore out of life and that this would give him some "perspective". And just like that, he got up and left and I haven't heard a word from him since.

I must have spent about 3 hours sat on the sofa staring into space. I can't even cry. This doesn't feel real.

Reddit, what the FUCK do I do now? He's switched his phone off, I have no idea where he is. I don't even know if he's actually booked a ticket, but a lot of his clothes are missing. He's actually packed for a trip but I just don't know if this some sort of sick joke I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my chest. What do I tell people? What do I do? Where do I start?

tl;dr: My fiance Jack left me four days before our wedding with no real explanation to go gain some "perspective" in Asia. What the fuck do I do next?

Update  Apr 29, 2016 (10 Days Later)

My post was locked before I had a chance to reply to anything, but I read and processed every comment. Thank you to everyone who left me advice.

Those who thought it might be Jack's idea of a prank, it unfortunately was true and he is currently in Bangkok with a friend from high school. He must have been arranging this for months - the visa and injections for South East Asia alone take at the very least 4 weeks of planning ahead.

I haven't spoken to him since the day he walked out, but his parents rang me the next day after I made my post. They told me he was staying with the high school friend, and that he was due to the fly out the day after what was supposed to be our wedding day. He told them he plans on staying there for at least a year. He must have been saving on the side, as our joint account has not been touched and most of our paychecks went to our wedding fund and mortgage. It is sickening to consider how long he may have actually been planning this.

Jack's parents like me but they are pretty cold people, and didn't have must else to say other than offering me pragmatic advice and apologising for their son's behaviour. Since that phone call, I've heard nothing from them, although they did ask me to contact them regarding the apartment at some point in the future, which I plan to sell. I will be moving back in with my parents as soon as I find a buyer as I can't pay the mortgage alone, although Jack's parents said they will pay his half until then.

As for the wedding, a lot of people suggested I give it to charity or go through with the party anyway. I wish I could say it went to good use, but I actually spent the day with my brothers and bridesmaids, crying for around 16 hours in between sleeping. They made sure I was eating, and we watched a few films together but overall it was probably the worst day of my entire life.

I left it up to my parents to contact people and haven't gotten involved with the logistics of cancelling. I don't know if we got any money back, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. From what I understand, an email was sent out explaining that the wedding was cancelled and apologising for how much inconvenience this would cause. The email asked that no one contact me about what had happened, and if people had any questions to speak to my parents or brothers. My parents had a gathering at their house for those who had booked flights and hotels etc, with some of the wedding food? And drinks and stuff. I know around 50 people ended up going, I guess it was a sort of party but my cousins said the mood was obviously pretty bad. None of Jack's family came of course.

Other than that, I don't really know what else to say. I've taken some time off work and my brother has also taken two weeks off to make sure I'm never alone at home. Everyone is just so hurt and angry and disappointed in Jack, I just feel completely numb. I still wake up in the mornings hoping this is a weird dream stemming from pre-wedding nerves.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this and I still love Jack so much, I feel like he's been possessed by someone else but it is him. I'm going to go to a therapist to help me come to terms with this.

Sorry this hasn't been a happy update but it's not a happy situation. Thanks for reading.

tl;dr: My parents dealt with the cancellation and emailed people to let them know. They hosted a "party" for the people who had booked flights. I spent my wedding day crying with my bridesmaids and brothers. I haven't heard from Jack, who is currently in Bangkok. Seeking therapy soon.

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Me [51F] with my daughter [19F] - daughter accused of plagiarism at university

Original Post  Apr 6, 2016

My daughter has always been a good kid and a good student.   She's in first year university, and like many of us (myself included), she found it overwhelming.    She's been keeping up with the work and getting decent grades, but for a recent English essay, she googled other people's ideas and pulled a few sentences from their work.   Her prof found out, and now she's facing a disciplinary hearing.    She may "just" get an F on the essay, or she might fail the entire course.   She won't know until the hearing, which won't be for a couple of weeks.

She's freaking out, of course.   She's never faced anything like this before.  She's ashamed and frantic with worry.

I guess I'd like to ask - has anyone here gone through something like this?   How can I help her?

   tl;dr:  daughter plagiarized small part of university essay, will get a disciplinary hearing, and I'm wondering what to do.

EDIT.  Thank you all for your comments and advice.    I'd already told her to be contrite at her hearing and own up to what she did (my exact words were "don't be an asshole about it").   I'll also tell her to take her punishment, whatever it might be, and NEVER do this again.   I'll post an update after the hearing.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> I haven't been through this.  I have served on an Honor Board at a major liberal arts school for 3 years.  It is crazy what kids think they'll get away with.  I'm talking entire wikipedia articles passed off as an assignment. > > If it's a few snippets here and there and her first offense then she needs to spend some time seriously contemplating and integrating what kind of serious theft this is.  How would she feel if someone took her crafted piece and passed it off as their own?  Probably livid. > > She needs to do that before she goes to the hearing.  She needs to be upset not that she got caught but that she stole in the first place.  That is what they want to see. > > No begging, no pleading.  Quite frankly we really did not care about extenuating circumstances all that much.  Better to not hand something in than to steal. > > But own it.  Use her newly integrated understanding of this offense to share more about what she did and why it is wrong and why she will not do it again.  And how she'll avoid getting to this point of desperation. > > Basically: begging, cajoling, victim playing - all that shit makes it worst. > > She fucked up.  She needs to own it in all its glory, convey that she understands why what she did is a badness, and tell her strategy for being a nice person in the future. > > Good luck. > > ___ > > Edit to add: if this is a bigger offense than a few snippets (if she plagiarized a full 5+ page paper, for instance) then she needs to be prepared for anything from a reprimand or fail all the way through suspension and expulsion. > > In brief: this is not a joke - and the hearing will be treated with utmost seriousness. > > One more edit: you need to stay away from the school and the hearing. Your presence is not needed and could be detrimental. You can prepare her by ensuring that she understands the gravity of her actions and listening to how she will approach the hearing with some real encouragement toward full accountability.

OOP

>>I agree with everything you said. She definitely knows she fucked up, and she's not going to pretend otherwise at the hearing. I told her to admit what she did, treat it like the big deal it is, and take her punishment like an adult. From what she told me, it WAS just a few sentences as opposed to the entire paper. Still plagiarism, of course.

Update  May 18, 2016 (6 weeks later)

(First of all, I'd like to say that I goofed the title on the original post - she wasn't "accused" of plagiarism.  That implies that she didn't do it.  She DID do it.)

She told me a bit more about what had happened.    While researching her paper, she took a bunch of notes, including some comments she'd found on the Internet.  She didn't cite her sources (BIG mistake), and when it came time to write her paper, she mixed up what she'd found online and what she'd come up with on her own.

She had a meeting with an advocate, who prepared her for what the hearing would entail.  She was warned that the most common punishment was to receive an F on the paper and an F on the course.  So, she was prepared for that.     There were still some classes remaining before the hearing would occur, plus the final exam.  She attended all of the classes, studied her butt off for the final, and did her very best on it.

She had her hearing last week.  She did what I'd recommended (and a lot of you recommended) - explained what happened but didn't try to make excuses.  The prof was very understanding and heard what she had to say.  The prof commented that it reflected well on my daughter that she'd continued to attend class and write the final - many people would've said "The heck with it; I'm going to fail anyway" and not bothered to show up. 

Daughter found out last night that she'll receive an F on the paper (which was worth 15% of her final grade), but NOT on the course.   The prof had told her that she'd done very well in the course overall, so she'd hoping that means she'll still pass the course.    The prof has drummed it into her head that she made a very dumb mistake, and things won't go nearly as well for her if she does it again, so I think (hope) she's learned her lesson here.

Thanks for all of your comments and help!

   tl;dr: Daughter had her plagiarism hearing.  Will get an F on the paper but not on the course.  

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway32now

I [33 F] have been with my BF [ 31 M] for a year and 3 months. Im thinking about breaking up with him because he doesn't like that I give expensive gifts and money to my parents.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Mentions physical violence!<

Original Post  Apr 6, 2016

First I want to apologize because  this might be a long one. I'm freaking out a little and need some advice from strangers. I want to just give some background on everyone involved here first. Both of us are doctors. I've finished residency last year and he is still in residency. We met at the hospital we work at. We got into a fight because he saw me buying a plane ticket for them to come visit me. I boxed the paragraphs you can skip if it's too long.

---

Both of my parents were doctors. They both made a lot of money especially when you combine their income. However, we have lived as middle class family. While their peers and friends lived in fancy properties (some of them more than 1) and nice luxury cars, we were pretty much your average suburban household. This is because they have always like to be frugal when it comes to spending money on themselves. They would send money to Mexico for their family every month and give to charity. And when I started middle school, they started doing doctors without borders. When I was 16 they used to take me to their medical missions to see how fortunate I was. The thing that they do like to spend a lot for themselves is traveling. I've been to so many countries before I was 18 and learned so much. But even then, we were pretty frugal. While they can afford fancy hotels, they choose not to. Recently they've been using airbnb.

My mom does collect bags though. One time I caught her looking at Louis Vuitton bags online. One was worth $1000 and I asked her why she doesn't buy one. She said that it doesn't make sense for her to buy something that expensive just for her. So, I told myself that that's the first thing I would do when I make it.

Another thing they spent a lot of money on is on me. One time when I was in college I told them I had a back ache and they bought me a tempurpedic. I never even asked for it. I also got a new car when I got into college. I got to do study abroad as well because of their money. I started working part time jobs because I didn't want to take advantage of my parents. They were already paying for my tuition and rent. All I had to pay for was utilities and food so, I was able to put a lot of money on my savings from their help.

When I got into medical school, I couldn't work as much. But they still provided for me. When I finally finished school and started residency they retired and moved back home to Mexico. Their retirement and savings allow them enough money they don't need any help from me.

I got to keep the house which is already paid for. I just have to pay for property tax and utilities. It's a 4 bedroom home so my BF and 3 other people live with me. We all divide the cost of the property tax and utilities so it comes out to about $400 a month. When you are wrorking as a resident, you still aren't making that much money. It's only enough to get by. Given that I live in an expensive city, $400 monthly is really helpful.

-------_--------------------------------------------------

Now here's the problem. Thank you if you're still here btw! I am very very grateful to my parents. While my colleagues have about $200,000 debt, I barely have any loans. I have always wanted to give back to my parents because of this. So when I was done with residency and started making a lot, I finally bought my mom a Louis Vuitton purse and my dad this helicopter toy he likes.  I also took them out to a nice fancy dinner. When I gave them their gifts, my mom started crying and told me to return it because it's too much. I told her she needs to keep it and I'll be offended if she didn't. We then had a nice heart to heart I told them that I am who I am because of them and they told  how much they are  proud of me. I told my BF  about this and he just said "ugh she's so emotional." which is true, she cries easily.

Sometimes I'll randomly send my parents cash if I have extra after spending my money on important expenses, shopping, and my  savings. I'll tell them to use it on themselves for fun. Now, I know that I wont always do this because when I have a family I'll be prioritizing them. I know this because it's what my parents tell me. But I want to do this while I still can. It makes me happy.

My BF and i got into a huge fight today because he saw me buying them a plane ticket to come here. He told me that I've already bought myself a ticket to see them. Why do I still have to buy a ticket for them to come here. That should be their expense. It's true they can afford it. However, they can only afford to see me maybe once a year since theyre only relying on retirement money. I would like to see them at least more than that.

He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."  Saying that my parents enabled me by giving me so much. This confuses me because when I do something for my parents, he tells me how codependent they are and it's their job as parents to help me. I then called him a hypocrite and told him he's basically living off of my parents by living in the house they paid for. And if he doesn't like it, then he should just move live in a $2000 apartment like everyone else.

He's in a hotel now but he said he will come home tomorrow morning. I honestly don't know what to do after that fight. There was a lot of yelling  and he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me. Do i suggest couples therapy? I'm really in tears as I write this because he's the first serious BF I've had in a very long time.

Tldr: my BF and I have different opinions on how I give back to my parents who have been very supportive parents in my life. How do I make this work? Should I even try to make it work?

EDIT: my roommate/best friend just came home and I've told her what happened. She actually told me some red flags  about BF that I've never noticed before. We're going out to talk some more so I will update and reply to everyone else. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I've read them all and took them all to heart.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Thinkifyourabuela

>I created my first reddit account to tell you don't you DARE let that man back in the house your parents worked for. He destroyed a vase your abuela made you!! What the FUCK are you thinking? Do you think they worked so hard and loved you so well for you to crap all over your own self respect by being with a man who would do such a thing? This guy is a capital L LOSER who wouldn't know love if it bit him in the face. Hope is a good breakfast but it's a bad supper. This man has shown you who he is. Don't you dare spit in your family's face by making this asshole a part of it.

OOP

>>Oh thanks for taking the time to make an account for me! Haha I love your username. I stopped crying for a bit but this comment made me tear up again because you're right.

~

OliviaPresteign

> He sounds pretty resentful. Calling you spoiled rotten and complaining about how you spend your own money doesn't bode well for your relationship. And then he destroyed your property over this? Yeah, no. That's not okay. > > Do you want to be with someone who yells at you and doesn't respect your things?

OOP

>>No, I shouldn't be with someone like him. It's funny, when this argument was going on I was thinking "Break up!" immediately. This is gonna sound pathetic but one of the reasons why I'm second guessing is because  I honestly don't know how I'm gonna find someone else with my kind of schedule. I figured dating another doctor would make it easier. But I never expected someone so stubborn like him. If I'm being honest, if that's the only reason why I choose to stay,  then it's not really worth it right?

Update  May 25, 2016 (Nearly 2 months later)

I wrote this update about a month ago so this happened the day after the original thread. 

Here is the link to the old thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4dotfr/i_33_f_have_been_with_my_bf_31_m_for_a_year_and_3/

Thanks for all the positive comments! I just want to address some questions I got asked before updating. I can box that section again and you can skip that if you're not interested! The update will be below that.

────────

There was point about how my parents seemed to good to be true and that they were overcompensating for working too much by throwing money on me. First, they aren't perfect. I can name a few things that annoys me about them but they are just irrelevant to my current issue. Namely, they used to be over competitive that I've decided I can't play games with them. Ugh, bowling is NOT fun to play with them lets just say that. Also, I don't believe they were throwing money at me. If ever they overcompensated for working too much, it was family vacations and a set day every week where we would hang out as a family. I felt they balanced things perfectly because I never felt like they were those parents that kept pushing you to hang out with them. At the same time, I never felt like they were picking their work over me.

There was also a question about why I dated BF in the first place. He does have some admirable characteristics. Namely, I noticed how ambitious and hardworking he was. He also drops a lot of things to prioritize me. I remember when we first started dating, but weren't exclusive, we and our mutual friends planned a huge trip a month in advance. I got sick 2 days before so I couldnt go so he didnt go either to take care of me.

────────

Ok update! (BTW these quotes aren't exact words we said. I just think it's easier to read with quotation marks).

My best friend came home as I was reading your replies. I told her what happened and she told me that it's honestly not that surprising. We then decided to talk at a small bar and she told me there were many things that she didnt like about him. She was actually surprised I dated him in the first place.

First of all, there's no denying that he is an ambitious person. While I had everything easy, he didn't. He depended on no one to get to where he is today. However, she told me that he's also a very intense person. At the hospital, he's very hard to work with. When interns make a small mistake he'll ask them what school they graduated from. If its a prestigious school he will flat out tell them "what, do they take anybody now?" If its a low tier school he'll say "well, no wonder why." He made one volunteer who's an undergrad cry at one point.

At home he's just as difficult to live with, she says. For example, if my roommates cook something, they'll usually eat and then wash the dishes after they're done eating. However, if he sees them eating and the dishes are there he'll say something.

Like, "wow there are some lazy people here." or " do I have to wash everything?" She said that even leaving a fork becomes an issue.

I'm not proud at this part but I kind of got mad at her for a minute. I was drunk at that point and needed someone to blame and asked her why she let me waste my time with someone without telling me all of these red flags. She told me that these issues were just minor problems and she didn't feel the need to get in the way over something trivial especially since I was happy with him. However, she said that this fight we got into now is not trivial and advised me that it isn't something I should let go. So, she suggested we grab some more wine and pack up his things. It was so fun just being so drunk and attempting to fit everything in a small suitcase. Honestly, we spent more time laughing than packing.

The next day he came home. At that point I was 85% sure of breaking up with him but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. Sometimes, people make mistakes and you can really see if a person is worth it by how they fix them. Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else." So, not really an apology.

When he saw the suitcase though, he started to apologize and say he was wrong. Have you guys ever heard a child apologize? You know that tone they make when they're just trying to say what they know their parents want to hear so it can be done with already? Well, that's how he sounded.

Then there was some silence and I just said, "Well, what about the vase?" And he says "What about the vase?" I just look at him and don't give him an explanation because he should know what about the vase! So I wait for him to give an explanation.

He says "Ok I'm sorry, that was mean. Maybe we can probably take the pieces, dull them out and make it into a charm bracelet."

I told him if I wanted a bracelet I would've asked for one. I wouldnt say this out loud but I kind of liked the bracelet idea. But I like the idea of a mosaic more like u/redorangeyellowgreed suggested. Also thank you u/ladymerr for offering to restore it.

There was another awkward silence so I spoke. "Do you know how annoying it is for me to do something nice for my parents and then there's negative nancy on my shoulder shaking his head or making rude comments? You take away the moment when you do that." So he said, "Yeah I can see how that's annoying. I'm just worried that if we get married you'll always have your family. Your parents themselves always sent money to their parents and I didn't want that to be something I have to look forward to. It can become a burden."

I told him I didn't believe that was the reason. Even if it was, it just horrible to think that helping family members is a burden! I said "you know full well that my parents don't need our help. If anyone was gonna be a burden it's you and your loans." I know that sounds horrible but I was getting really angry at that point.

So he told me that that's exactly what the problem was. He has loans and I don't. That I'm just so lucky in my life. I told him I KNOW I'm lucky and I'm glad he recognizes I'm lucky. So what's problem? But he went on..... "do you think you would have been a doctor without your parents help?" and "Maybe you got into a school with their connections." I told him if I was going to use my connections then I would've tried to get into his school or my parents school (he and my parents went to prestigious medical schools while I want to an average one). He replied by saying that thats the difference between the two of us. While he's so ambitious and won't settle for less, I'll be happy with an average school.

Ugh it's like talking to a brick wall. Either I'm using my parents for connections or I'm not ambitious enough. At that point, I was just so exhausted. I was hungover and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I just told him to leave and i'll have our mutual friend bring the rest of his stuff. He asked me if we were breaking up over this and told me that he can't help he feels that way. He'll try not to voice his issues about my parents next time. I said to him that I can't be around him knowing that he's thinking of something negative while I'm around my family. Even if he's not saying anything, I'll still see it in his face.

I honestly don't get what his deal is or where his insecurity is coming from. OK if you look at us just on paper, he's definitely the more interesting one. He went through a lot of hardships as a teen, graduated at the top of his class, and participated in many different projects and charity. No one is denying this. I don't understand why he has to keep proving himself. I, on the other hand, am your typical med school applicant. Sure, I got good grades and did the required things to get in, but not enough to set me apart from other applicants like he did. I would have been happy going to a Caribbean school if I can still match residency.

So yeah, we broke up. He texted me a few times. I haven't responded so he texted me with "You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?" I don't really know what to do about that part of my situation so I'll have to figure that part out. Thanks!

tl;dr: Best friend told me he was no good. I decided to hear what he had to say. He made things worse so I broke up with him. Going to try to build a mosaic out of the vase and I'm looking forward to doing that.    FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

>this sounds like the right decision. I'm sure you know this but don't take it at face value that you can't kick him out, research your local laws, if he's not on the lease or a co-owner you may be able to.

OOP

>>Yeah thankfully he only said that to get a reaction from me. I believe he's living with a friend now.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/radiohd1996

My [18F] friend [22M] won’t stop calling me a teetotaler. I didn’t mind it until today, when he left three bottles of vodka outside of my dorm room door

TRIGGER WARNING: >!alcoholism, obsession!<

Original Post  May 22, 2016

Throwaway because some of my friends know my real username and I don’t want them to see this. Also, I’m sorry if this is messy, all of this just happened and I’m still disturbed.

I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like the taste and because I don’t find being drunk appealing. Simple enough, right? I don’t judge or berate people who drink and everyone I’ve met at college has treated me with the same respect.

At the beginning of spring semester, this kid named Dylan came back to the speech team that I belong to after spending the fall semester studying abroad. He was a senior. During the fall semester, the other seniors didn’t throw any speech team bonding parties, and when Dylan learned this, he started throwing parties every weekend. I went to the first few, but eventually I stopped going because everyone got really obnoxious. At the first party, Dylan called me over to take shots. When I explained to him that I don’t drink, he scoffed and kept pressuring me to do it. He didn’t stop until another senior on the team stepped in to tell him to leave me alone. He apologized and never pressured me again.

I still went to the next few parties because I loved spending time with the team, but eventually everyone’s behavior got to be too much. Dylan was no longer pressuring me to drink, but he kept calling me a teetotaler (someone who abstains from drinking alcohol). He never used it in a way that got under my skin, otherwise I would’ve told him to stop. He just kept referring to me as “the teetotaler” both when he was talking to me and when he was talking to other people. It made our team members angry, and even though I told them it wasn’t a big deal, they were still pissed at Dylan. This was when I stopped going to his parties. I didn’t want to deal with neither my team members nor Dylan and their arguments about an issue that honestly didn’t bother me, especially because they only argued when they were drunk and consequently were getting absolutely nowhere.

After I stopped going to his parties, Dylan started talking to me more. During practice, he would partner with me and help me write my speeches, and I improved so much this semester because of him. He even started to hang out with me outside of speech team. We got lunch together. He helped me study (we’re in the same major). He became a friend that I trusted and genuinely liked. He still called me a teetotaler whenever he got the chance to, even when alcohol was obviously not within the context, but it was clear that he was just teasing me. I have a thick skin, so it doesn’t bother me when people tease me for not drinking. For me personally I’d rather be sober than passed out on the floor at a frat party. Most people who tease me for not drinking end up in that situation. So yeah. I only have an issue when people pressure me to drink. Which Dylan did once and then never did again, and he did apologize and he seemed sincere. So for a while I was okay with being friends with him.

Then today, when I got to my dorm room, I found three bottles of vodka lined up outside of it. The one in the middle had a red bow tied on the neck. Taped to the bow was a note that said “;) <3 – D”.

Instantly I started panicking. I didn’t know when they got there, how long they’d been there, or how many people saw them sitting there. I left early this morning and I came back just now (it’s 8ish), so I have literally no time frame to work with. I grabbed the bottles and put them in my mini fridge.

I know it was Dylan. Who else could it have been? Even though he graduated a few days ago, he must still be on campus. Plus, he knows that I’m staying here for the summer, and he knows where my dorm room is.

I’m extremely creeped out. I’ve never had any romantic feelings for Dylan. I only see him as a friend. Clearly he feels differently, but why would he feel the need to put three bottles of vodka outside my dorm room door to show me that? That’s super fucking weird. Especially because I’m living on school property and I could get in gigantic trouble for this. No school authorities have contacted me yet, so I’m guessing that nobody important saw it, but I’m still wary.

I don’t want to be friends with Dylan anymore, but should I talk to him and figure out why he did this? I want to know why, but I know that it isn’t always best for people to know the reasons behind things like this. If I should talk to him, what should I say?

Also…what should I do with the vodka? Any suggestions barring “drink it” are welcome.

tl;dr: the first time I hung out with my friend Dylan from speech team, he pressured me to drink, but he ended up backing off and apologizing to me. However, he started calling me a teetotaler, which didn’t bother me, but it did bother the rest of our friends. After I stopped going to his parties where all of this was taking place, he started to hang out with me outside of speech team, and we became genuine friends; he kept calling me a teetotaler, but again, it didn’t bother me. But today when I got back to my dorm I found three bottles of vodka sitting outside my door. They were from Dylan. They’re in my fridge now. Should I talk to Dylan, and if I should, what should I say? Also, what should I do with the vodka?

EDIT: So I've calmed down now. I dumped the vodka down the sink and threw the bottles away. I haven't talked to Dylan yet. No one from my school has contacted me yet.

To elaborate a bit more on Dylan as a person, because now I can think straight:

He loves to drink and get shitfaced. That's why he was so upset that the seniors on the speech team didn't throw any parties last semester, and it's why he kept pressuring me to drink at his first party.

He's also very flirty with everyone. Everyone meaning all the girls he knows. He's flirty with me even though I never flirt back. He's flirty with his female friends (unless they have boyfriends). He's flirty with girls he meets at parties. He hooks up whenever he gets the chance. In terms of pressuring girls to do things with him, I've never seen it happen, but one time a guy on the speech team was trying to take advantage of a girl while she was drunk at one of Dylan's parties and Dylan stepped in, yelled at him, and asked him to leave. So he seems to care about consent. If he didn't, I certainly wouldn't have been friends with him for so long.

Neither of these parts of his personality crossed my mind that much until now. I don't think he's an asshole, just creepy. His flirtatious behavior flattered me, but because he behaves that way with everyone, I didn't think anything of it. That's clearly not true anymore though.

I know that I should have included all of this when I originally posted and I'm sorry that I didn't, I was in panic mode. I was honestly very disturbed and I was thinking about all of this when I originally posted but it never made its way into the post and that's my fault. I hope my edit makes everything more clear.

TOP COMMENT

MidnightMalaga

> I wouldn't read this as a romantic gesture, honestly, but rather an idiotic continuation to a stupid joke as a graduation gift. > > Some people who drink see those who don't as actively passing judgement on their choices and have a problem with that. These people are morons, but they definitely exist. Sounds like Dylan falls squarely into this category. > > I'd just text him and tell him that everyone on your floor really enjoyed his leaving present, and suggest he ask what they'd like next time he's feeling so generous. On the off chance that this was a romantic gesture (which, again, I'm 99% sure it wasn't), this'll make it clear you read it as buddies. On the other hand, if this was one last dig at your teetotalism, this'll show him you're still cool with other people drinking while making a different choice for yourself. Plus it'll make it clear that he wasted his money, which will hopefully hurt at least a bit.

Update May 24, 2016

I’m back with an update! Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I appreciate it very much.

I woke up the morning after I originally posted to find a text from Dylan. It was sent at 3:47AM, so pretty late. It said “Did you get my present?” with a bunch of winky faces and laughing emojis. It also looked like gibberish. What I typed out here is what I think he was trying to say, and that was after looking at it for a few minutes. I think he was drunk when he texted me.

I texted back “Yes I got it, and my floor really enjoyed it! What are you gonna get them the next time you’re feeling generous?”

He didn’t respond.

A little while later my RA knocked on my door and asked to talk to me. She said that she had seen three bottles of vodka outside my door the day before and asked me where they went. I told her that they were given to me by a friend and that because I don’t drink I poured the vodka down the drain and threw the bottles away. When she heard that she walked down the hall to the trash cans, which hadn’t been emptied yet, and she found the bottles. I left the note and the bow on the one bottle. When she saw them she didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then told me that because I haven’t been problematic before, she wasn’t going to report me. She said that she knows I don’t drink and that she thought it was very unlikely that I kept the bottles, but she just wanted to be sure. I thanked her and went back to my room. I’m happy she was so understanding!

About an hour after I talked to my RA, someone knocked on my door. It was Dylan. As soon as he walked in I could tell that he was drunk. I don’t know if you can wake up drunk from having been drunk the night before, but it seemed like Dylan was experiencing that. Or maybe he was drinking early in the morning. Either way it was clear that he had been drinking.

He asked me why I gave the bottles to the people on my floor. “It was only meant for you” he said. I told him that he knows I don’t drink and asked him what the fuck he was thinking putting three bottles of vodka outside my door in a school dorm where I could get in huge trouble for alcohol possession, especially because I’m underage.

He started laughing his head off. “It was a joke!!!” he said. I angrily told him that I didn’t find it funny because it could’ve gotten me in serious trouble. He kept laughing until I said “I don’t mind you calling me a teetotaler, but what you did really creeped me out, and it’s grounds for not being friends anymore.” When he heard this he stopped laughing and looked at me. For longer than a few seconds. It was turning into a stare. I asked him why he was looking at me like that and he just said that it was a joke before he started cracking up again.

At that point I decided that I was getting nowhere, so I asked him to leave. He started to protest but when I told him that I would tell my RA if he didn’t leave, he left pretty quickly.

He came back again that night around 9PM. When I opened the door he asked me if he could come in. Surprisingly, he seemed sober, so I said yes.

After I let him in, he apologized for making me so angry. But he admitted that the only thing he remembered about this morning was that I was super pissed at him, and he wanted to know why. I reminded him that he left three bottles of vodka outside my door when I live in a school dorm…he kind of had an oh yeah…shit look on his face when I told him this. He apologized and said that it was really stupid of him to do, and that it was a dumb joke. He asked me where my RA was. “If she hasn’t talked to you yet I’ll tell her I gave them to you.” he said. I assured him that my RA already talked to me, I’m not in trouble, she knows they weren’t mine. He seemed relieved to hear that.

I asked him if he was drunk when he put the bottles in front of my door. He said “maybe…” and laughed. He said he put them there in the evening. So they weren’t sitting there for more than a few hours.

I did some thinking then. If he was drunk when he put the bottles there, he was probably drunk when he wrote the note with the heart and the winky face. Because of that, I didn’t mention the note.

Also, the fact that he was drunk this morning, and that he couldn’t remember why I was angry at him this morning, seemed like red flags to me. I brought this up and said “I’m kind of worried about you.” (Which I am, this is the truth.) “You drink way more than is normal, even for a partying college senior. You should be careful you know.” He laughed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. I pressed on and said “You’re at the right age to stop this now. I don’t want you to turn into an alcoholic.” He laughed again and made awwww, the little teetotaler cares about me-type jokes.

I got frustrated at this and asked “Why do you even drink so much anyway?” He stopped laughing and looked kind of puzzled for a few seconds. His response was that it makes everything easier. I asked him to elaborate. He then looked somewhat uncomfortable and didn’t make eye contact with me. I told him that if he drinks this much and it’s because it makes everything easier for him, that’s not a good sign.

He shrugged and said nothing still. I guess all this time everyone has assumed that he just drinks a lot because he’s just another moronic college student and no one has ever asked him exactly why he drinks so much. That combined with the fact that he’s always extra flirty when he’s drunk made me more concerned. He’s flirty when he’s sober, too, but he never actually takes it further unless he’s drunk, at least from what I’ve seen and heard.

He asked me why I was being so quiet. I asked, have you ever done anything seriously romantic with a girl, like telling her you like her or asking her out, while you were sober? He gave me an apprehensive look but then said “…no, not really…” I asked him what he meant, and for the next half hour he talked to me about his experience with girls. I learned that he’s never had a serious girlfriend, just flings. He carries out most of his romantic interactions while he’s drunk because he feels stupid doing it when he’s sober. By the end of this conversation I told him that if he ever wants to do anything seriously romantic with someone else beyond just hooking up, it can’t be tied to being drunk because that isn’t a good way to start off a healthy relationship.

Then he said “I know. That’s why I want to tell you now that I like you.”

I froze upon hearing this. I wasn’t expecting him to be so forward… When he saw how uncomfortable I was he quickly said “What? What is it?”. When I still didn’t say anything he said that if I don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. If he made me uncomfortable just now, he was really sorry. He said that he just figured that he should tell me this now while he was sober.

I told him I wasn’t interested in him that way. He looked disappointed but he said that it was okay. I told him that he really needs to get help for his developing drinking problem, or what is already a drinking problem, and although he didn’t say anything to that, he looked like he was thinking about it.

Things were then kind of awkward for a few seconds until he asked me why I thought he put the bottles there. I admitted that I thought it was a romantic gesture and that because of that it creeped me out. He burst out laughing. First he apologized for creeping me out. Then he said that if was going to be romantic, he would at least give me wine, not vodka. He added that if he was going to try to be romantic in general, he wouldn’t take the alcohol approach, considering that I don’t drink at all.

We joked around a bit more and soon the conversation turned to other things. Eventually we said goodbye and he left.

I didn’t expect things to turn out this way, but I was relieved to hear that the bottles were just a joke, especially because he was drunk when he did it. He even offered to talk to my RA for me, which I think was a good sign. I’m also satisfied that I had the opportunity to bring up his drinking problem to him. It really seemed like no one else has ever brought it up to him before. Which is sad, but at least it happened now.

As for him having feelings for me…now that I know the bottles were a joke, I feel less creeped out. I think the fact that he was drunk while he did it, and that he didn’t mention the note, and that he can only do seriously romantic things with girls when he’s drunk, point to him being socially awkward more than anything else. And because of that I’m no longer seriously uncomfortable. I no longer think that he was trying to get in my pants. Or even if he was, he isn’t trying to anymore. He literally said that he wanted to tell me that he likes me while he was sober. All this time he might have been telling girls that he likes them while he was drunk and it always ended badly, so he decided to do things differently this time around. Who knows? But I didn’t tell him that I don’t want to be friends (I’m still thinking about it), just that I’m not romantically interested. I know I said that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore when I originally posted, but that was when I was freaking out and before all of this happened, so I hope that some of you understand why I’m still mulling it over.

Also, just to reiterate: him calling me a teetotaler doesn’t bother me. At all. The only things that bothered me were him pressuring me to drink, which he did once and then never did again, and then him putting the bottles in front of my door, which turned out to be a joke that he apologized for. If him calling me a teetotaler bothered me, or if it felt derogatory to me, I would’ve told him to stop. It never feels that way to me. It always feels like a joke or friendly teasing, both of which I don’t mind. I understand and appreciate the concerns of the speech team and of some people who commented on my original post, but honestly, it’s not a big deal.

That’s all I have! Thank you everyone for helping me out!

tl;dr: my RA came to talk to me. She knows I don’t drink and she just wanted to confirm that the bottles weren’t mine, so I’m not in trouble. Dylan also came to talk to me. I learned that he put the bottles there as a joke, he was drunk while he did it, and also, that he might have a drinking problem. I brought this up to him and he didn’t know what to say. After more talking I learned that he drinks alcohol so much because it makes him socially comfortable. He ended up telling me that he likes me, and when I turned him down, he was disappointed but said okay. We ended up talking about other things and the conversation ended on a good note.

edit: Just wanted to add, I'm not an idiot, as some of you seem to believe. It's not like I think Dylan's apologies and the story behind his alcoholism make me think he's an a-ok guy that deserves to be trusted. I never told him that I want to be friends, and I never said that I still want to be his friend. Just that I was thinking about it. Obviously I've decided to keep my distance from him now, after reading all of these comments, but just because I'm 18 and Dylan is 22 doesn't mean that I'm not aware of the "senior guy preying on freshman girl" scenario. I don't live under a rock, people. I appreciate the concern everyone has for me, but please, keep comments about me being naive to yourself. And not only on this post, but all over r/relationships, because I read this sub regularly and comments that personally target the OP without offering any advice only drive them away when they came here for help.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/backpackdrama

Me [25F] with my boyfriend [26 M] of six months. I'm about to break up with him over a backpack but I need to know if I'm overreacting.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Destruction of sentimental property!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Rage inducing, but ends positive for OOP!<

Original Post - rareddit  June 4, 2016

My boyfriend Jacob and I have been together for half a year now. We met through mutual friends about two years ago. Jacob is a very laid back guy, and maybe since I have a lot of anxiety that attracted me to him. The past six months have been fun and without incident until now. I thought Jacob was a caring and thoughtful person and I really saw a future with him, but now I'm reconsidering.

Background info: I have a backpack that is covered with patches. Before this happened, I had about 35 patches sewn on it. This is a project that I started when I was 14 and needed a backpack for high school. Over the years, I collected patches from all the shows, concerts, and plays I've gone to, when I studied abroad and visited new cities and museums, gifts from friends and family etc. When I was 20 the bottom of my backpack ripped out, so I got a new one and carefully removed and reattached the patches. I don't carry a purse, I carry this backpack, literally every day. It might seem silly, but a lot of my personal history and favorite memories are tied (sewn?) to this backpack.

On Wednesday, Jacob and I were hanging out at my place watching Netflix with two mutual friends. My apartment has a much larger living room than his does, so we tend to hang out at my place. I had to work early Thursday morning, so I went to bed a little earlier and just told Jacob to lock up before he came to bed.

The next morning I go about getting ready for work and go to put some things in my backpack. That's when I notice it's missing patches, 11 to be precise. I immediately wake Jacob up, basically panicking asking what happened. He told me that he had invited three of his friends over after I had gone to sleep. Apparently they texted him because they were bar hopping near by and he told them to come over. At some point one of them saw my backpack sitting in the living room and said it was cool and they wanted one like it. And Jacob told them they could have some patches if they wanted. So they cut 11 patches off my bag.

I was livid. I still am. I can't really describe how betrayed I feel. A few of my patches were gifts from my father who passed away last year. He always loved helping me find new patches and bought me three limited release patches that are now very expensive and difficult to find. Those are all gone. I had one patch that my dad bought in 1994 and let me have. It's gone as well. Patches from my study abroad trip are gone too. I feel so so devastated.

I'm not proud of my reaction, I flipped the fuck out. A lot of what the fuck were you thinkings and how could you do this? I told him he had to call his friends that were over and get all the patches back. He said he would for the ones from my dad, but he would look too bad if he asked for the rest that "didn't mean as much". I asked him if he cared more about looking like a jackass to them or me. He hesitated and I freaked out and told him he had to leave.

I messaged the people I know were over on Facebook and got a response back from one person (one of the mutual friends). He brought my patches back Thursday night. He said he thought it was weird that Jacob offered but went along with it, and he apologized. So now I only have 9 patches missing. I know it sounds silly but I just feel so sick over it. I texted Jacob today about getting my dad's patches back and he just said he was going to contact them on the weekend. What's the point of waiting??? I talked to a couple close friends about what happened and told them I wanted to break up over this. They both saw this as an overreaction and that I should let it go and get more patches. Everyone seems to think because patches are cheap I shouldn't be so upset and should forgive him.

I need to know if I'm overreacting. My feelings are maybe I was being hysterical when I confronted Jacob and I didn't deal with it in the best way. But he hasn't been proactive about fixing the situation, he's only texted me once to tell me he was contacting his friends on the weekend. I'm so frustrated and hurt and I'm not sure how I will trust him again after this.

And before anyone asks, he absolutely knew what this backpack meant to me. Once when we were about a month in dating he asked me to give him the backstory to each patch. And he's seen me carry it every day.

tl;dr: My boyfriend had friends over and they took patches from my backpack. I want to dump him, but my friends think I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

>You're definitely not overreacting. Who the fuck offers to let their friends destroy something that doesn't belong to them because they think it looks cool?!? Get your stuff back and dump this idiot.

OOP

>> His explanation was that I had so many he didn't think I would mind and he's seen me give patches to people before. >> >> That's true, but I've never given someone a patch from my own backpack. I bought them at shows or through online vendors specifically as gifts. >> >> & >> >> Yes!! Why would he think it was okay give away my property? It's so disrespectful! What kind of excuse is "I didn't think you would mind" in this situation? >> >> & >> >> He hasn't seemed to realize it yet. He's only texted me once since yesterday that he would contact his friends on the weekend. He hasn't apologized at all.

~

OliviaPresteign

>You're not overreacting. He had no right to give away your property, and the fact that he didn't immediately apologize and do everything he could to get them back shows that this wasn't a one-time lapse of judgment but a severe character flaw.

OOP

>>It would have been so different if he had apologized and showed an effort to get them back. But he argued about it and said I was overreacting.

~

Maigraith

>I could maybe understand if you two actually lived together and it was an item sitting on a counter or bookshelf that he gave away but this was something that was clearly not his that had to be physically cut off of what is essentially your purse. That is a huge violation even without the sentimental value being taken into account. You don't just go into someone else's home and give away their possessions.

OOP

>>This articulates my concerns really well. I feel that I invited them into my space and my own boyfriend facilitated them fucking with my property. What the hell??

Maigraith

>>>Bottom line is he and they stole from you. I'm really confused why he or any of your friends are perfectly fine with that. I'd play nice until you get as many patches as possible back then dump him like the piece of shit he is.

OOP

>>>> He invited them to steal from me. They cut the patches off with a pocket knife and left holes in my bag. >>>> >>>> My main effort is going to be getting my dad's patches back. I can get over the rest of them. But I really want those 4.

~

elfgirl1317

>Can the friend who returned your patches put you in touch with the other people? So you don't have to rely on your ex to get the patches back?

OOP

>>He had the number of the other mutual friend and told me he would message him too. The other three people are on Jacob's side of his social circle from college. I'm going to start Facebook stalking to see if I can find them.

Edit: My second mutual friend just called. He also had two patches, and promised to return them this weekend. One of them was one of my dad's patches! That's 7 left.

Editors Note: OOP tried to make an update but it wasn't approved, however OOP made 3 comments in a later post titled: My girlfriend [32F] gave away a lot of my things at a "clothing swap"/charity, and says that I [28M] am overreacting and too attached to material possessions to give closure

Comment 1  Aug 3, 2016 (2 months later)

I broke up with a guy who did something similar to me (post got deleted). It comes down to respect,even if it's material items, and I found that my ex didn't really respect me.

Something similar happened to me as well. He couldn't apologize to me either, so we ended up breaking up.

Did OOP get all the patches back?

Yes, I got them all back! :)I tried to update here but it got removed.

OOP UPDATED 10 YEARS LATER IN THE BoRU THREAD

Update Aug10, 2026 (10 years later)

Responding to the top comment for visibility. This was me. I am surprised I could still log into this account, it was a throwaway. It's been so long since this happened.

Through the course of everything, I learned that my ex wasn't laid back. He just didn't give a fuck. Very different things.

I did get all of the patches back! A few people were very apologetic and immediately went out of their way to return them. A few people I had to show up at their place with a friend in tow. Looking someone in the eyes and saying "You have a patch that my dead father gave me when I was 14" worked pretty well.

Basically all of them blamed my ex. It's okay, I blamed him too. He never truly apologized. He just wanted me to be less mad without fixing anything. I was very passive then, and I don't think I had ever been as angry as that moment. I went scorched earth and told EVERYONE what he did. He was mad about that, but I didn't care. He shouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to talk about it. A few of my friends apologized for taking his side, but our friendship wasn't ever really the same after that.

Months (maybe even a year?) after all this went down, my sister and I were going through a storage unit of my dad's to clear it out. We found one of his old backpacks, nothing special, just a JanSport. I cleaned it out and that was the new base. I still have it to this day, and I have added new patches since!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Michiojio

My [25M] boyfriend [28M] tried to screw over my best friend [26F] at work. I told her & he got fired. He blames me now & wants me to pick him or her.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Deception!<

Original Post  June 17, 2016

Lots of background into this.

When I was 19 I came out as gay to my super religious family and was immediately disowned. They kicked me out, stopped paying for my education and stopped talking to me. I literally lost everyone in the extended family. I was all alone and unprepared. I was going to an expensive private university and couldn't afford it anymore, I had to drop out and start working full time.

At that time my friend Claire at the university really helped me out. At that time I didn't know that she was from a very rich family (she never lived to show it). She helped me with small things here and there, allowed me to stay with her until I could get my act together, she even paid for me to get therapy when I was dealing with abandonment issues from my family. Really the kindness that she did for me is something I'll never forget. We remained very close friends after that.

I didn't go back to college, just kept working at rather lower wage jobs. A few months after she graduated she asked if I would like a job. She wanted me to be her driver/assistant. She was working in their own family's business and her previous driver was a boring yes ma'am no ma'am old guy that she wasn't comfortable with. She offered me a superb salary and benefits (like 8x what I was making at my job at the time) and I accepted. I've been working for her for two years now and it's been very nice. The workload is low, I drive a super comfy expensive car, I get paid to spend time with my best friend and all in all this is yet another huge favor for me that she's done.

Here comes my boyfriend Jack. He works for Claire's family business. I met him about 18 months ago and he hates Claire. He believed she is a spoiled selfish girl who's only progressing because her dad owns the empire as he puts it. I didn't know that Jack hates her only until a few weeks ago when they apparently had a clash at work. I'm not aware of the details or whose fault it was since that's really not my job but I became aware of the conflict. Claire doesn't have strong opinions towards Jack though, when she learned that we were dating back then she told me that he seems like a good hardworking person.

Jack told me that he's going to put Claire in her place. I asked what he wants to do, he didn't say much except that "she won't see it coming". I kept pushing and he told me. It was basically messing up something that will make Claire look very bad and the confidence of others in her would take a huge hit. I begged him not to do it as it was not just wrong and unethical but just petty. He seemed to have made up his mind and I couldn't do anything to change it.

I really had no choice at that point. For one, I had to do the right thing. For two, Claire has done so much for me and I owe her so much in my life and as a result I have very strong loyalty to her. I couldn't sit and let something like this happen to her. So I told her everything. She appreciated my honesty and told me that she knows it must have been difficult to do this to my boyfriend and that she won't forget it. She took care of the whole thing. Jack was fired.

So now he's angry that I told her. He says that I picked her over him and I betrayed him. I keep telling him that I begged him not to do it but he put me in the position of having to choose to do the right thing or keep quiet and let him do something wrong to my best friend. He says he can't believe that I did it.

So now he wants me to show him that I love him and I'm loyal to him by cutting contact with Claire and quitting the job. I don't want to do that. Claire is my best friend and I owe her a lot. This job is great and I want to keep it. But I don't want to break up with him either. He made a horrible mistake and he's angry that he lost it. But he keeps pressuring me to make a decision and I'm just tired of it.

Is there any chance for our relationship?   

tl;dr: boyfriend wanted to screw over my best friend at work. I told her. He was fired. Now he wants me to prove my love to him by quitting my job and ending my friendship with best friend. Is there a hope for our relationship?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ShadowBanHans

>You really need a new boyfriend. He's not a good person. His plan is to basically ruin your professional career while isolating you from your social supports. Wow. True love right there. You can really tell he's concerned for you as a person and not just a petty, and spiteful little troll.

OOP

>>Yeah I should stop thinking that he only made a mistake. Especially since he's showing no remorse.

DiTrastevere

>>>That wasn't a mistake...it was planned and deliberate. He's a nasty piece of work, and if he actually believed half the things he says about Claire, he wouldn't NEED to contrive a scenario to make her look bad.

Green7000

>A mistake is leaving your car door unlocked and getting robbed. A mistake is forgetting to turn your oven off and causing a fire. A mistake is not remembering you were supposed to go to your friend's birthday party until the next morning. A mistake is not smashing someone's window and stealing from them, it is not deliberately burning down another person's house, it is not crashing a party to humiliate the guest of honor. Those are deliberate, malicious actions. His "mistake" is the same type of "mistake" Brock Turner made - aka deliberate actions that are only a "mistake" in that he didn't mean to get caught but did mean to commit the crime. > > Also, are you sure he was interested in you and not trying to use you against her in some way?

OOP

>>I don't know what to believe anymore. He seemed very interested in me and never used me against her before. At least not that I know of.

Green7000

> But he could be hoping that when you two started dating that you would say something that would allow him to claim she was homophobic. Or he could have been thinking he would get a better position at the company being your SO and when he didn't he got angry at her. He could claim you told him about something she said or did and start rumors that would hurt her without doing anything official. > > I'm just saying assume that this guy had ulterior, negative, motives for everything he ever did.

OOP

>>You might have a point. Last year he asked me to put in a good word for him with Claire because there was a promotion to grab. I told Claire that Jack told me to tell her that he's interested and ready. He didn't get the promotion although he was promoted six months later to a different position.

Green7000

>And got angry at her because he put in the "work" aka dating you and didn't get what he "deserved" aka the promotion. There was a post here yesterday or the day before from someone who inherited money and gave his family literally thousands of dollars worth of property, and they were angry that he hadn't given them enough. Some people near money tend to get an entitled mindset and lash out against those who have it. I'm guessing he saw you as a fast track to success and was angry at her for not giving him what he thought he deserved.

OOP

>>The more I think the more I see that you may be right. Oh fuck.

Update  June 23, 2016 (6 Days later)

Most of you were right. I was being played from the beginning.

I confronted Jack about the whole thing and asked him if he considered my friendship with Claire when he started to date me. He at first refused to admit it and kept telling me that he loved me but since we were getting nowhere he said "why hide it anymore, yeah, I approached you to get info on her, do you really think I'd be interested in a waste of clothes like you?"

Yeah. He said that exactly. He told me that he first started dating me for getting information, then to use me to help him get promotions and he made the "mistake" of thinking I was his when he wanted to take down Claire. He left.

So that's what happened. I was played for 1.5 years. I'm just happy that he couldn't succeed in hurting Claire otherwise I couldn't have forgiven myself. I needed someone to talk to after all of this and that had to be Claire so I went to her flat and we talked for hours about all of it. I was really embarrassed for falling for Jack's BS and putting her at risk but she kept telling me that she's proud of me since I protected her when she needed someone to have her back. So yeah we're at great terms.

I won't ever let this happen again. I learned my lesson. No more dating anyone who Claire has any sort of professional relationship with. I'll be a better and more loyal friend for her from now on.

   tl;dr: Jack only dated me to use me for his own goals. We broke up. Claire and I are on great terms. Never again I'll date anyone from work.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ConradFisher69

AIW for waving a chopstick at my friend’s baby and yelling “Avada Kedavra” as a joke?

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Thanks to u/czechtheboxes for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

Original Post  June 8, 2026

I (26F) was at a friend’s house for dinner. Her baby is about 8 months old. We were eating takeout, and I picked up a chopstick, pointed it dramatically at the baby, and yelled “Avada Kedavra!” in a fake wizard voice because I’m a huge Harry Potter fan.

The baby just stared at me and everyone else laughed except my friend, who got really upset and said it was inappropriate to joke about killing a baby.

I apologized immediately, but she still hasn’t accepted my apology and is acting pretty cold toward me. Now I’m wondering if I did something genuinely awful and just didn’t realize it, or if she’s overreacting.

Editors Note: Avada Kedavra is the killing curse in HP. Its 1 of the 3 unforgivable curses

RELEVANT COMMENTS

anonymousmouse9786

>You couldn’t have gone for wingardium leviosa? YW

pretty_Kkitty

>>Yep, if you’re doing baby magic, always go levitation, never murder curse. That feels like basic wizard etiquette

~

inkyelk

> That's a very weird thing to do. > > I'm not saying you are a bad person but if you did this to my baby I wouldn't be happy, like of all the spells and all the quotes, why that? > > I think you are in the wrong

OOP

>>Are you familiar with Harry Potter? Perhaps you’re missing some context.

TrashGouda

>>>No we have the context. From all the stuff you could have chosen you decide a instant death spell was the way to go? Could've said "I'm gonna kill you" and it would be the same

Zinokk

>>> Yeah the context is that you used an unforgivable curse on a baby and are now pressed that the mom isn't forgiving you. >>> >>> It's literally canon. >>> >>> Perhaps you're the one missing context here.

~

Vegetable-Cod-2240

> YW > > There are a lot of spells you could have used and you went with the death curse ?!?!? 

OOP

>>Ok, I see your point.

Updated post June 9, 2026 (Same Post/Next Day)

Update:

I’ve read through the comments and I accept that most people think I was wrong. I did apologize.

That said, I still think my friend is taking this way too seriously and needs to learn to take a joke. I waved a chopstick at a baby and made a Harry Potter reference. I wasn’t exactly performing dark magic in her living room.

The next time I see little Timmy, he’s catching another Avada Kedavra from me.

NEW UPDATE

Posted June 30, 2026 (3 weeks later/Same Post)**

Update 2:

Last week I visited my friend and her toddler again. She was unfazed by my Avada Kedavra joke about her baby the last time we met so we had a great time. I didn’t perform the spell on little Timmy as promised in my last update. Instead, I held him and pretended he was an airplane zooming around the room. Then I made a creative decision to pretend to crash him into the cat post and shouted “Timmy has hit the second tower”. Let’s just say I’m not allowed to visit her anymore 😂😂😂.

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