u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/manbearpigserial

WIBTAH if I don't show up to the bachelor party I specifically have said I don't want

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  May 12, 2026

I'm getting married in a little over a month. It's a small wedding, immediate family only. Less than 25 people on the guest list. Dinner after at a restaurant my fiancé likes, that's it.

I have told everyone from the moment I got engaged that I do not want a bachelor party. I grew out of my party phase long ago and would rather spend my weekends with my fiancé and soon to be stepson than drinking and everything else a bachelor party entails. I thought everyone understood I didn't want one until yesterday.

At Mother's Day yesterday my sister let it slip to me that my dad asking me next weekend to come help him put his boat in the water is a cover story for a bachelor party him and my brother are throwing for me. She did it because she didn't want me unknowingly walking into an ambush. I was instantly absolutely furious, but I bottled it up because it was Mother's Day and I didn't want to make a scene on a day that was for my mom and grandma.

Today I sent my dad a text asking about helping with his boat and asking when I should come, etc. I said thanks and let him know after I helped with the boat I'd be going home due to commitments with my stepson. This was my way of not selling out my sister. He started saying no I have to stay because he wants to take me out to dinner to say thank you and take me for a boat ride etc.

I said thanks but no thanks, I don't care about boat rides and he knows that. I'll help with the boat but then I have to go. He kept trying to convince me but after being unsuccessful he confessed to it being a cover for a bachelor party. This is when the real conversation began.

I told him in no uncertain terms again that I don't want a bachelor party and also that I'm not coming to this planned bachelor party. I don't want one, I've been abundantly clear I don't want one, and he should just cancel it. He said him and my brother had already bought food and drinks for the party, they had invited my friends and everyone was excited and looking forward to it so it was too far in to cancel it. Besides if I come I'll end up enjoying it so why fight it. A good friend of mine from out of state is even flying in to attend.

I then informed him they can enjoy their party, but I will not be coming. He called me selfish and that I should be grateful to have friends and family who want to do this for me. That I should come and enjoy myself because this isn't just about me, it's about all of them showing how happy they are for me for my wedding.

I called my friend from out of state and told him to cancel his flight, to not come into town because I'm not having a bachelor party, and that I'm sorry people had told him I was. He said not to worry about it, that he was coming into town a couple days early to see his newborn niece anyway.  I made plans with him to get dinner the night of my bachelor party to make up for everyone else inconveniencing him.

My family have been texting me all day today about it being incredibly selfish of me to refuse to go to the party they spent so much time and effort planning. I feel I made it really clear I didn't want this and they brought this on themselves.

So WIBTAH if I go through with my plan to no show my own bachelor party?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DrTeethPHD

> INFO > > You know the word "party" doesn't exclusively mean getting rowdy and wasted, right? > > It can mean just spending time with people who love you and enjoy your company.

OOP

>>They're planning basically a kegger on a lake. this is a get wasted party

Wingnut2029

>>>It was never a party for you.  It was always just an excuse to have a party for themselves.

Update  May 14, 2026

Long story short the party is off and my dad is pretty pissed about it.

Last night when I got home from work my fiancé asked me how things were going with my family. Her mom was over so I told her what was going on. My future MIL's first reaction was "Are they nuts?" We talked about it and she told me I absolutely shouldn't go and I should let my friends know that I wasn't going to be there so they don't go there and are disappointed when I'm not.

I took her advice and texted some friends that I figured got invites to let them know the bachelor party was never cleared with me and I wouldn't be there but if they still wanted to go there and party then to have at it. They helped me figure out other people who were invited and I let them all know too.

Pretty much all of them understood and were cool about it. A couple of them I have plans with soon anyway, so we said we'll just see each other then. Some of them I had no plans with, but we made plans for other days in the next couple of months. Others we made no plans, but they seemed cool.

Apparently pretty much none of them were wanting to go to the party if I wasn't going to be there because I got an irate call from my dad asking me why he got a bunch of calls and texts from people saying they weren't coming to the party because I wasn't going to be there. I told him, well, that's because I'm not going to be there, like I told you a couple days ago, and I figured people should know since this was supposed to be my bachelor party that the bachelor wasn't going to be there.

He said he's had enough of my anti-social crap and demanded I be there. I said no. He then said he was planning on paying for my after wedding dinner but now wouldn't to make up for the money he wasted on this party. I said that was fine because I already paid for the dinner months ago when we booked the dinner with the venue.  He then said fine it's going to come out of my wedding present fine. I was like we don't need your wedding present, but if that makes you feel better then fine go for it.

My brother and sister both sent me texts basically saying I should have just gone and sucked it up. My brother mentioned being out some money himself because of this. I said maybe next time you'll learn to think for yourself instead of blindly following our dad's orders all the time. That shut him up. My mom has been suspiciously silent about all of it. I did talk to her today, but the subject never came up.

That's pretty much it. I'm gonna enjoy a nice night with my fiancé and her son tomorrow night and go to his soccer game. Saturday my buddy and I changed plans, instead of dinner we're going to my local MLB team's game instead since it's a day game and we found decent tickets pretty cheap.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tilted_crown85

>Is the same sister that told you about the party the one now telling you that you should have gone anyway?

OOP

>> Yea same sister. I mentioned this in the comments but her telling me about it wasn't her being on my side. >> >> She was telling me because she knew if I walked into it my reaction would be to turn around and leave and they may try to stop me. If they tried to stop me it would probably result in a fist fight. It has been a long time since it last happened but my dad and I have had about a half dozen full blown fights in the past. >> >> She was just trying to stop a fight.

Individual_You_6586

>Your dad sounds abusive

OOP

>> I'm gonna be honest. The fist fights were more often my fault than his. Whether I swung first or said things to bait him into hitting me those were on me. >> >> I had a lot of issues when I was young

And another reason OOP didnt want the party

> ...I stopped drinking for the most part more than 10 years ago now. I only drink on rare occasions now. I can't stand being sober around drunk people either

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/moneyfight

My [26F] boyfriend [28M] of 4 years is independently wealthy, but wants to split all of our expenses evenly.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!exploitation, classism!<

Original Post July 5, 2016

My boyfriend and I first met 5 years ago while we were both in school. He comes from a fairly wealthy family who paid for his entire education, both undergrad and graduate school, and have basically funded his entire life. Up until 3 years ago, I didn't know any of this. I, on the other hand, come from a solidly middle class family and have been supporting myself fully since I graduated. Before that my parents helped me out, but I also worked to put myself through college.

When we first started dating, my boyfriend and I more or less split everything evenly. Barring a few circumstances, we always bought our own dinner, movie tickets, chipped in for gas on road trips, etc. He never once mentioned his or his family's money.

After a year of dating, I met his parents and figured it all out. At the time I was a bit miffed that our date nights were still eating frozen pizza on the couch of my crappy apartment, but I loved him, not his money, so I went with it. I also justified it by it being his money and he can do what he wants with it, and also, at the time I figured his parents were just his meal ticket until he was out of school and then he would be more independent.

We live together now. I've learned that is not the case. While he does work, his parents have no intention of ever cutting him off, and he has enough inheritance/whatever money to keep him afloat even if they did. I work, too, but make significantly less than him. And I definitely don't have a rich grandparent somewhere leaving me half the world.

This leads us to our problem. My boyfriend has always lived a fairly modest life. He buys nice clothes and nice things for himself, but that's about it. We live in an apartment that we can afford to split 50/50. We have furniture that we can afford to split 50/50. All of this is not a problem, I guess. I do think relationships should be equal.

But then there's the other stuff. His sister got married the end of May in Maine, about a 6 hour flight from where we live. Obviously he expected me to go, but I was responsible for all of my ticket and half the hotel/food/car rental. This was a serious strain on my finances. When we moved in together, he brought along his dog. Now, I love this animal and love having him in our apartment. But my boyfriend now considers it "our" dog now and expects me to pay for half his food and other expenses. If he didn't already have this dog, I would've held off on getting a dog of our own for another year or two, until I was a little more stable financially. And then there's things like groceries. My boyfriend will often complain about how we can't afford nicer groceries from Whole Foods or other specialty stores, because I'm paying half and my half just won't cover it. I've mentioned that he can pay for what he wants, but he just says that we need to split it and he knows I can't afford it. Which at least isn't hypocritical, I guess.

He has also mentioned recently wanting to move to a nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. He has even toured a few places and leaves print outs on top of my lunch for work. While I could technically afford it, using that high of a percentage of my income for rent makes my head hurt. It goes against every fiber of my being. I've told him if he was willing to split it a bit more like 60/40 instead of 50/50 I would be willing, but he refuses.

I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to be a gold digging girlfriend that asks for thousands to be spent on her. But it kind of annoys me that we're living a poor, recent graduate lifestyle when we could be living so much more nicely with no real added expense to him. Is this unreasonable? It also worries me for the future. I want to marry and have a family with this guy. Is he going to deny our kids a private school education because I can't afford half, when he could pay it five times over? Are we going to take them to lesser doctors because I can't afford half the insurance, when he could pay the entire visit out of pocket?

I'm not saying we need to live lavishly, I just wish everything didn't have to be 50/50 when we're not financially equal. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He seems to think that the wealth of a family should match the lowest common denominator.

TL;DR: Wealthy boyfriend makes more than enough for us to live a nicer lifestyle, but chooses to split everything 50/50, leading us to live a life below what I believe our means allow.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ginjjer

>To be honest, those actions make me think that he doesn't see this as his entire future. I get it. I wouldn't want to be seen as a gold digger, either. But wage disparity exists in lots of relationships, and sometimes one party is going to carry more of the financial weight. That's life and love. Also. I think the wedding thing really bothered me. I mean, if you want me to travel with you, why wouldn't you offer to help with the expense? Otherwise, I'll be at home and see you when you get back. I just can't imagine straining myself financially for someone who clearly is THAT concerned about money and how much they have and keeping it all to themselves. :(

OOP

>> Normally I would be inclined to agree with you, but he does want to get married. If things went his way we would be married by the end of this year. For my own reasons I never wanted to get married before 30, but I've been willing to compromise for him because I really do love him. We will probably be married within the next two years. >> >> The wedding thing did bug me, but I also kind of understand it. His sister and I get along very well and I consider her a good friend. I wouldn't want to miss out on her wedding. It's not like I was just his plus one at a random wedding. But I do wish he had helped me out a little, especially since paying for my ticket or even just paying for all of the rental car would've helped me out a lot and not even made a dent in his pocket.

volupe_hermoine

>>>What's he going to do when you're married? Still insist you pay for half of everything? Or will you merge finances?

OOP

>>>> He wants to merge finances. We have a pretty strict budget right now, and it gets split 50/50 from our own money. When we get married he says that we will have a joint account that goes towards what we split now. Little, personal expenses (like haircuts, trips out with friends, etc) would be paid for from our own separate accounts. >>>> >>>> I just don't really see that happening given how strict he is now. If he wants to do something and I can't afford it, we don't do it. Which I get. I think that's reasonable. But I also think we've been together for four years...I'm not his pal bumming money for a cigarette. I'm his live-in girlfriend, and most of what I buy he benefits from, too, anyway.

[deleted]

> That sounds like he'll have an endless supply of fun money and you'll have nothing. > > Marital expenses should be proportional in most cases. If you're living together, I think that would apply as well.

OOP

>> Our situation isn't quite as dire as that. I think a lot of this post made it sound like I'm dirt poor, when that isn't the case. But I've only been working for four years. We live in a rather expensive city. I do well for my age, but I'm definitely still very conscious of my spending habits, and I'm trying to build up my savings before I get to the age where I'm wanting to buy a house or start a family. I'm 26...I don't know too many 26 year olds who can afford fancy wine from fancy stores or fly across country and stay in nice hotels on short notice. At least not if they're smart about their money. >> >> I do agree they expenses should be proportional. I just don't know how to get him to see that.

~

Marzy-d

>How does he justify making you pay for his dog? Do you get half ownership of the dog? Visitation when you guys break up? Not cool.

OOP

>> When he moved in I kind of "assumed" equal ownership of the dog. We care for it equally, it's not like he's taking sole care of it. Whoever is up first feeds him, whoever is home first walks him, etc. So it kind of makes sense that we would both pay, but at the same time I agree with you. While I don't see us breaking up, it could happen, and the dog would definitely go with him. And there I am having spent thousands of dollars of the course of a few years for an animal I don't even have. >> >> We have a set budget, that gets split 50/50 for household things. The dog just got lumped in there.

Marzy-d

>>>Well, unlump it. He needs to pay for his own dog. He is either incredibly naive about money, or he feels it is OK to take advantage of you. I would suggest that he probably eats more than half of the food he makes you pay half for as well. It fine to make sure that both people pull their weight financially. But he is causing you to spend extra money for him, even though he has far more money than you. Have you asked him why he thinks its ok to be selfish like this?

OOP

>>>> I don't really think of it as him being selfish, I guess. I was raised in a household where money was completely pooled, so I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting. >>>> >>>> And I realize that we're not married. But we have been in a relationship for over 4 years and live together. I wouldn't ask him to spend a dime more if we were still just casually dating or living apart, or even if we lived together but had only been dating for a year or so. >>>> >>>> He is actually pretty smart about money, which I like about him. But it's not like he's totally frugal. He just bought himself a really nice watch "just because." Hell, even the gifts he buys me are always around the price point of what I could afford half of, even though I don't pay. And I feel absolutely awful for even mentioning that, because I truly do appreciate everything he has ever gotten me. But it's also kind of hurtful to seem him buy his sisters and family these really nice, luxury items, and then I get the same sub-$100 gifts he gets his friends. They're always thoughtful, which I appreciate, but at the same time...come on. >>>> >>>> I do agree that I need to stop paying for the dog. I just also have a sort of hard time actually saying that, because I do enjoy and benefit from the dog just as much as he does. I do love dogs and grew up with them, I'd want one again one day. I just didn't want one right now.

~

RaspberryBliss

>Tell him if he doesn't want to pay the difference between what you can afford and what he wants to have, then he needs to quit complaining about what you can afford. That's not a fair or nice thing to do to your partner.

OOP

>>He should be home from work within the next hour and I will be discussing everything with him then. I'm going to propose that we rework out original budget so that the percentage of income is even, rather than just split the cost of everything equally.

OOP added this as a response to a comment

> He's 100% an "our money" person, and has said he wants to have a joint account to cover major expenses from after marriage. Small personal expenses would be covered independently, but even that would be out of ease (not having to check with the other spouse before getting a $50 haircut or buying a new pair of shoes, for example.) Otherwise what's his is mine and vice versa. > > I guess I just think it's a little unreasonable to wait two years to get married to start doing that at all. I'm not saying we should pool our finances right now, but if he wants fancy meat from a specialty butcher for dinner one night, why doesn't he buy it? Yeah, I'll eat half of it, but we're both benefiting from it. If he wants to live in a nicer place, I don't think it's unreasonable that he picks up the difference. If I'm working late, I don't think it's crazy to ask him to go pick up shampoo/toothpaste/whatever and not ask me to pay him the $4 back. I would be happy to do the same for him.

Update July 6, 2016 (Next Day)

Original post here

A couple people had asked for an update after I talked to my boyfriend today, so here goes:

It's been a long afternoon. He got home early this afternoon (he had a dentist appointment and just came home after) and I had my "presentation" ready for him. He listened to everything I had to say about not thinking things were fair, how his wants were starting to cause a financial strain on me, how I wished we could work out some sort of new system.

The conversation didn't last long. I laid it all out, he listened without saying a word. As soon as I was done he said he would not budge on the 50/50 split, that that is the way it will be until after we're married and it is not something he was willing to compromise on. I told him that if that was the case I did not know if I would be able to continue the relationship. He said that if that was the way I felt then that was the way it was going to be, because he wasn't budging. He did say we could get married very soon if it was that big of a deal to me, but at that point I was pretty much over it. I'm not going to marry someone before I'm ready just for financial security.

So he left to take his dog for a walk, I packed up some of my things, and had a coworker with a truck come and help me load some stuff up. When I was ready to go my (ex)boyfriend handed me a check. Apparently during all of this he had figured out how much he "owed" me. Our apartment lease is up at the end of August, and we had prepaid. He had written out the check for my half, as well as what he estimated was left of the groceries that I would not be consuming and what he figured I had spent on dog expenses over the course of our relationship. Yeah. So I guess he was fair to the very end. I've told him I'll be back on Friday to get the rest of my things. For now I'm staying with a good friend who has an extra bedroom, and I'm hoping I can find a new apartment soon.

So things definitely didn't go the way I planned. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I'm glad I figured out now instead of a year from now when I'm shopping for a wedding dress. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

TL;DR: Boyfriend didn't want to budge. We broke up. I'm now single and hunting for my own apartment within my own price range.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fisgig

> I bet you anything that since this guy was old enough to realize the importance of money, he was drilled with lessons from his parents that you should never, under any circumstances, support someone financially until marriage. The 50/50 split was probably something he was taught as a way of protecting himself and his assets and he followed it to the letter. > > Unfortunately, like a lot of people from money, he did not realize the financial impact on you of raising your standard of living. This is where he needed to budge a little bit.

OOP

>> I think you are right. >> >> As horrible as all of this seems, he really isn't a bad guy. I wouldn't have stayed with him for nearly 5 years if he was. But his ideas about how money and relationships work are totally different than mine, and I can't compromise on everything. I'm not happy that it ended this way, but what's done is done.

~

cfdagola

> I will say this one thing despite the bad outcome. Of all the men in the world who go absolutely psycho and "work harder" and start stalking people or who generally just can't accept that their SO is leaving them and have mental break downs and all the things in between. > > this guy stroked a check like a business man handed it to her and went about his day. > > I mean that is both strange and rare. but it's so rare that you gotta wonder if there's some hidden issues. > > I could see Bruce Wayne doing this. But he's also Batman who has heavy mental and emotional issues. > > Like others have said bullet dodged on this one.

OOP

>>He wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with if he went crazy and tried to win me back. That's not the kind of relationship we had. Which isn't to say I don't think the check thing was totally bizarre, I do...but I think that was just his little way of saying "fuck you." Like when a kid is told to eat slower and then takes an hour to finish dinner or something.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Impossible-Fun-7483

I (28m) think my FWB (27f) has feelings for me, don't know how to navigate

Thanks to u/withlovetara for finding the new updates

BoRU 1

Original Post  Apr 14, 2025

So, about 6 months back I went out for drinks with some friends, one of which was Kris (fake name obviously). Kris and I have known each other since we were in middle school and were never super close but were always good friends if that makes sense. She got wasted and was being flirted with by another guy in the group who was sober which sent off alarm bells for me so when we were all walking to our apartments and he'd lingered instead of going to my apartment I ended up crashing on her couch. The next morning while we were having breakfast she admitted she found me cute, really appreciated what I did the night before, and wanted to know if I'd be up for a FWB situation.

So ever since we've been just that. We'd both just gotten out of relationships at the time and surprisingly this FWB situation resulted in us actually becoming really close friends to where we now actually just hang out to hang out more often than we hang out specifically with the intent to sleep with each other. Well, before we had a pretty strict "no staying the night" rule because for her "that felt like a step beyond FWB" but late last month she asked if I'd be willing to stay the night because "I just really need someone to cuddle with tonight" and I didn't think anything of it and obliged. But now it's become every time we do it one of us ends up stay the night at the others apartment. She's also been making more overtly flirty comments towards me when we're with friends which was another rule we had because we wanted to keep things private.

Problem is, I don't know that I share her feelings. She's amazing don't get me wrong, beautiful (can't undersell this, I work in a field where I work with models on a regular basis and most of them do not compare, no idea why she picked me of all people), brilliant, driven, and one of the kindest people I know (this girl volunteers at a soup kitchen WEEKLY). I've been incredibly grateful to have gotten closer to her over the last 6 months. I think she's one of those people that people you're lucky if you get to meet even one of in your whole life. I know once feelings get involved there's no real going back to strict FWB but I also would rather get buried alive than hurt her. So I would love advice on how to handle this.

TL;DR: I (28m) have been FWB with Kris (27f) for around 6 months and suspect she's caught feelings. I need help navigating the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kgberton

>No way to advise you before you figure out your own feelings. 

OOP

>>I think I do have my feeling more or less figured out. I don't share the feelings she has. She's absolutely my best friend and an incredibly human being but at least currently I don't have romantic feelings for her.

Update  Apr 15, 2025 (Next Day)

Well, I didn't really expect to have an update this soon or at all. I suspect it'll be the only update.

After the first post I called her and told her I suspected she had feelings (I was right) and told her I didn't have feelings and wasn't ready for a relationship out of panic for the situation.

Thankfully it was therapy day. I talked things out with my therapist about how I have serious fears about getting back into a relationship, how those fears made me react way too quickly, and how now that things potentially collapsed I've re-examined how I feel about her.

After therapy I just let myself sit with things for awhile. Then I called her. Call went to voicemail. So I texted her and let her know I wanted to talk and wanted to do it in person if she was willing. She texted back and said she was willing to meet for dinner to hear me out. So I laid everything out for her. How my last relationship fucked me up and how that made me panic when I realized she had feelings and act before I even gave myself time to process. And then I told her how I really felt. That her voice is my favorite sound, how her smile is what I see when I close my eyes, all of it, and most importantly that if she was willing to be patient with me I wanted to give us a shot.

Anyways, I'm taking her in a proper date this weekend.

TL;DR: I nearly ruined things but managed to salvage it and got the good ending.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

PolarIceCream

>Aw yay!!! Best update ever! Wishing it to be your last first date :)

OOP

>>I even already made plans! There's a fancy restaurant in our city she mentioned once like 2 months ago as somewhere she wanted to try one day and I made reservations the second she agreed to hear me out.

Update 2  Apr 20, 2025 (5 days later)

Hi all, just wanted to give a second and probably final update unless we get like married or something maybe. I just got home after spending basically all day yesterday and part of today with her. On a scale of 1-10, the date was an 11. The day after my last update she and I had a long call while she was on lunch from her job. It wasn't really about anything specific, but I made up the excuse that I was doing photography at a local greenhouse later that day to steer the conversation to flowers. I found out her favorite flower was lilies, lucky me I already knew her favorite color was pink. So I picked up a bouquet of pink lilies that day and had them waiting. 

Then came Saturday. I got to her apartment and I swear, nothing could have prepared me for the moment she opened the door. I’ve photographed models on a Miami beach at sunset, I've photographed landscapes in Iceland and Ireland, I've done a wedding on a small vineyard in Italy. I don't say any of that to brag, I say it because I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what beauty was with my experience, but the second she opened the door the definition was changed for me. Her eyes were the first thing I noticed of course, her eyes are like these beautiful ice crystals in her head and they were highlighted by this gorgeous tan dress and the way her hair framed her face. Her smile when she saw the flowers made me freeze completely. I literally turned into a stuttering mess. I've never had that happen in my life. I'm usually confident and hard to fluster, but this outstanding human being did it without trying.

I finally managed to hand her the flowers and we took them in and put them in a vase. A couple months ago she made an off-hand comment about how she wanted to visit this upscale Italian restaurant in our city, so that's where I had made reservations. The food was probably pretty good, I was too distracted by her to care that much about if the food was good. She info dumped about how apparently “lactose intolerance is a skill issue” (her words, not mine). She does this cute thing where she'll apologize for info dumping and when I encourage her to keep going because I love hearing her talk she bobs her head back and forth. It's a bit like watching a penguin dance. Don't know how else to explain it, but it makes me smile every time she does it. 

After that we walked a block to a bar because they had live music. We got a single drink each and the band started playing “Something” by The Beatles, she made a comment about how it was her favorite slow song so it felt like something to make a mental note of. So I asked her if she wanted to dance with me and we did. And then it happened, she kissed me. It's weird, we'd made out before, but this time it just felt different. It was like lights dimmed around us and everyone else disappeared for a moment. It was just us in each other's arms. When she pulled back she had to be sure to jokingly remind me I nearly missed out on that. I ended up staying the night with her and today we just laid in bed until like 1 PM, just chatting and cuddling. 

After we finally got up we went and got lunch together. We discussed what both of us want for our future, we both want kids, we both agreed that we both wanted to adopt at least one of them to pull a kid out of the system and give them a good life.  Our goals really seemed to align well. The only difference was she apparently wants a spring wedding. I always planned on getting married in the fall because of photo opportunities. Guess I'm having a spring wedding. 

I know, early to think about a wedding, but I had a realization. In the last two months we've spent more days together than apart. I did the math earlier this week because the thought occurred to me so I read through our texts. From February 1st to April 12th we only spent 32 days apart, we still talked on most of those days over the phone or text of course, and we spent 39 together. Of those 39 only 4 were with the explicit intent to sleep with each other. Yet somehow I still didn't realize I was in love with this woman.

TL;DR: While I nearly made a massive mistake, I managed to not only salvage it, but I had the best date of my entire life.

NEW UPDATES

Update 3  Dec 20, 2025 (8 months later)

Final Update: My (29m) FWB (28f) caught feelings, I'm going to make her my wife.

Hey all, posting this with mod permission because I wanted to give you all one final update to my story. It’s been a bit more than 8 months since I made my first post and update and the two of us are still together We moved in together about two months ago which in my head feels like a short of amount of time to date before moving in, but after discussing things it does feel like we’ve been dating for much longer than 8 months because for several months before that we basically were dating already.

When I made my first post I was still dealing with the fallout of an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship that truly strained my ability to trust and allow myself to feel love. I’d be lying if I said that even through therapy that my trust issues have been resolved, but she’s been so incredibly lovely and patient with me. She’s genuinely just a spectacular human being. This is the first time a relationship has ever just felt simple. I don’t feel like I have to perform for her and genuinely my walls have finally come down.

Well, shortly after she moved in she started dropping the hints. She started talking about weddings, wanting to start a family, etc quite a lot. I’m generally bad at picking up hints but these were obvious even to me, so I just asked if these were things that she wanted and what timeline she was considering. I wanted to be positive that if I were to propose I already knew the answer was going to be yes so I was probably overly thorough with getting her to say “Yes, I want to marry you.”

I know she wants something romantic and grand, but I also know her as a person enough to know she has a lot of social anxiety. I know we’ve agreed on a fall wedding, luckily I know a lot of people in the wedding industry since I’m a photographer so as long as the proposal is relatively soon I can call in some favors and get things taken care of to make sure she gets the wedding of her dreams. I also know that her dream vacation spot has always been Italy which I’ve been to with clients in the past. Today I booked the plane tickets, I told her that I have a photography gig I booked for March and that I wanted to bring her along since I know she’s always wanted to go.

I had a few choices of where to propose and have deliberated on that for a couple weeks now but what I’ve landed on is that the third day there I’ll be taking her to Rimini for the day, and near sunset I will propose to her on the ferris wheel there. It was one of the only things that ticked all the boxes for what she wanted. I would move the heavens and earth to make things perfect for her because it’s what she deserves.

So thank you all, especially those of you that were there to tell me I was being irrational and dumb in my first post. I remember being in that panicked headspace. Honestly I thought I wasn’t worthy of her back then because I thought I was too damaged, I thought there had to be some horrible fate in store for me and I tried to run from those feelings. But I’m very glad many of you called me on it and got me to re-examine things. I’ve never felt so loved and fulfilled in my life. She’s the first person in my life that I don’t question if she has ulterior motives being close to me, frankly she’s not exactly starved for choices in the dating department and if she didn’t truly love me she could just find someone else at any point. For some reason she’s chosen me, and I’m going to cling on to that for the rest of my life if I can.

TL;DR: I nearly curved off the most incredible woman incredible woman on the planet, months later I'm about to propose.

Update 4 - In just under 24 hours I will be proposing  March 21, 2026

I've just finished getting everything packed up to get the train to Florance tomorrow morning. As I sit here she's in the other room finishing her packing so I figured I'd come here to write out my feelings since this account has become a life journal of sorts for me.

Honestly, I feel strange. Not in a bad way of course, it's this weird anxious excitement I've never felt before. I know it probably sounds silly, but before the trip I had to talk about this with my therapist. I know the odds that things don't go perfectly according to plan are pretty high. Having to accept that I don't have control over things like the temperature outside or if it rains and the only thing I can do is just let go is difficult for me.

But ultimately, in less than 24 hours I'll be engaged. I already know the answer, we've openly discussed everything, she knows I'm going to propose and just doesn't know when or how. Originally I had a flowchart of "if x goes wrong, y" but decided that instead I'm just going to exist in the moment with her. I trust that I know her well enough that if everything goes wrong I'll still be able to find a moment that works. Hell, worst case scenario I know she'd be perfectly okay with a low key proposal at the end of the day when we get back to the hotel room.

Anyways, wish me luck!

Update 5 - I'm engaged!  May 2, 2026

Hello friends!

I'm a little late to update everyone here. I considered posting this to the r/Relationships subreddit but figured for now I’d keep it here. I wanted to make sure we'd gotten home and had time to discuss everything so I could do one big update instead of small ones. First, I won't keep you hanging, we're engaged.

She clearly knew what was happening on the day. I wasn’t really subtle about it so I’m not surprised. I had originally made intricate plans for that day, but I'd noticed in other cities that nothing brought her more joy than when we were able to just point in a direction and explore without maps. She'd have so much joy in just finding random little shops or sculptures or anything really. I have diagnosed OCD so just giving up control like that has always been incredibly hard for me, but I decided to give up that control and just wander with her for a while and make specific plans for the evening. We even found this cute outdoor flea market on our stroll and she got a cute top from a vendor there.

For dinner I had booked a table at Il Santo Bevitore. Neither of us speak fluent Italian, but we’d both learned enough that we could get through ordering and ask basic questions. I think she thought that’s where I was going to propose, but I didn’t want to be that obvious. The atmosphere was lovely and the food was incredible. I HIGHLY recommend visiting to anyone considering it. Once we left there I recommended we visit a “festival I heard about” which was surrounding the Florence Eye (a very large ferris wheel).

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much anxiety. I knew beyond doubt that she’d say yes when I asked but I dunno I felt this urgent need to make it perfect for her. Just the right blend of romantic while also actually thinking about what she would want. We made our way through the festival towards the wheel and I was genuinely sweating enough that she had to ask if I was okay. Once we got into the ferris wheel it genuinely felt like my brain went blank. We were in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with this incredible view over the city and all I could see was how stunning she was from across the cart. As we got up to the top I was panicking. For some reason I couldn’t find the ring because I couldn’t remember which pocket it was in, and she clearly noticed. Before I could even get the question out, before I could even find the ring, she said yes. I’m assuming she was trying to make me feel less panicked but she took the pressure off me.

Once we got home it felt real. I know that the only thing that really changed was that we now call each other “fiance” but there’s something just mind blowing about sleeping in the same bed as your fiance for the first time. Since, we’ve started talking things through. We’re eager, I won’t deny that. But we’re also realists. We want to build a life that we know will last together so we’ve set our wedding date for October of next year. This gives us time to do some more travel together and basically just exist together. Luckily her current job allows her to work from anywhere so any time I travel for work as long as there’s an internet connection we can use it as a trip together.

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AITA for telling my sister to stay home from a trip she is paying for?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Editors Note: changed the initials L & M to Laura & Michelle for easier reading

**TRIGGER WARNING: >!Cancer!<

Original Post  May 11, 2026

Ok a bit of background. I (33 F) have two older sisters. Laura (44 F) and Michelle (43 F). Michelle is a cancer survivor. Michelle has never gone on a trip outside of the US. and she has recently hit a big milestone. 5 years in remission. Laura and I decided that in celebration we wanted to take Michelle on her first international trip.

I want to be clear that I do love Laura a lot. she really is a sweet person. When Michelle was going through treatment she helped pay some of her medical bills. watched the kids so her husband could always be at the hospital with her when she was there and be able to take care of her. she bought groceries for her neighbor for a year during the pandemic and if you need something she's there.

HOWEVER, she is a horrible travel companion. She  wants to be in charge and complains about everything. We went on 1 trip together and it was miserable

The problem started when deciding where to go. Laura suggested a trip to the UK or Ireland. Which she and I have been to before. I pointed out that while it was nice place to visit and Michelle would appreciate it...We should go to Thailand and let Michelle plan the trip instead, and here's why...

• Michelle has always wanted to go to Thailand. Like since before she even graduated from high school. she has an entire Pinterest board labeled Thai Dream Vacation. she has learned thai over the years in preparation. She isn't fluent as a native speaker but is conversationally fluent.

• She and her husband were planning on going 8 years ago...then she was diagnosed with cancer...and medical bills pretty much depleted the vacation fund pretty quick.

• Michelle wants to go to thailand and this is a trip...for her.

I had to put my foot down as this is Michelle's trip

Since then Laura has brought up multiple issues

• Michelle planned the whole trip. It's very food based. A lot of it centers around trying all the food, taking cooking classes in the different regions, shopping, temple tours, beach days but Laura feels that  because the two of us are paying for it we should be the ones planning it

• Laura wanted to have an elephant day experience and wasn't happy that the one Michelle picked was a sanctuary that did not do feeding bathing and physical interaction with the elephants

• Michelle planned a spa day in each area we travel  Laura thinks this is a waste of time and money.

• Laura hate's hot weather, She is already complaining about how hot it is going to be.

• Laura is upset so much of the food budget is being spent on  street food, markets, local restaurants.

I sat her down the other day and asked her if she was just  going because she felt obligated. I said that if she wanted to stay home she could and we would totally understand, but this was Michelle's trip and if she was going to go she needed to stop complaining about everything because I wasn't going to let her ruin it for Michelle.

Michelle feels bad and has offered to change the itinerary and let her be in charge for half of the trip.

So am I the AH for setting Laura off by telling her to stay home?

Edit- I was unclear Laura is not paying for the whole trip. She is paying for half of Michelle's part of the trip and her own part. we do not expect her to pay anything if she doesn't go and I never suggested it.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

beeeeeebee

> Slight YTA - for wanting your sister to pay for a vacation but expecting her to have no preferences or to stay home. > > If the goal of this trip is a sisters trip celebrating Michelle's remission, it needs to be a trip that appeals to all sisters. It’s totally reasonable to have Michelle pick the location but it sounds like you’ve made no effort to pick things Laura would also enjoy - which is pretty rude ESPECIALLY if you’re expecting her to foot the bill.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing - pick some activities or dedicate some days to places Laura would also enjoy.  She may be difficult to travel with… but I’m a pretty go-with-the-flow traveler and I’d still be annoyed to get no input in a vacation I’m paying for and spending valuable vacation time on.

Commenter

>>Exactly. Like how hard would it be to pick an elephant sanctuary that Laura would want instead? And a spa in every town does sound like a bit much of the same. >> >>There’s a wide gap between making this a trip for Michelle and not accommodating Laura ’s preferences at all.

OOP

>>>Because the sanctuary's she wanted to go to weren't ethical and can be dangerous to the animals and the human.

~

pumpkinbubbles

>More info: Is Michelle really as upset by Laura as you are or are you using 'Michelle's wishes' as some sort of proxy for your own issues with Laura? It seems like a person who has beaten cancer would be strong enough to speak up for herself. Perhaps Michelle is being bulldozed by Laura but perhaps she values traveling with her sisters (both you AND Laura) more than setting 100% of the itinerary.

OOP

>>Reading these replies and replying im begining to think L and I may have gotten so caught up with both of us going back and forth with each other and that we might have not been listening to Michelle.

Update  May 13, 2026 (2 days later)

I would like to say first...yes...I was TA in this situation. Thank you for giving me a different perspective, as well as all the suggestions.

Ok so some clarification before the update.

Yes Laura was paying for herself and part of Michelle's portion of the trip BUT I never asked or expected her to pay if she didn't go. I wasn't disinviting her with the expectation of her still funding the trip. I was suggesting that if she really didn't want to go she shouldn't because it wouldn't be fair for her or Michelle.

We are going to be there for three weeks. 1 massage a week at the hotel the day before we travel to the next location hardly seems that excessive.

Laura did help in planning (picking hotels and activities) Her complaints were about not wanting to do what Michelle and I wanted to do because she wanted us to stay together the whole time.

Ethical elephant sanctuaries mean you do not touch or interact with the elephants. Michelle found one where you Observe only. Laura was not happy because she wanted to bath with the elephants. That was never going to happen.

On to the update.

Laura and I met up for lunch today and I apologized for how I handled things and being so "This is Michelle's trip and she gets to decide only and if you don't like it stay home." about everything.

Yes I was the AH.

We had a pretty big conversation about the whole situation that included opening up about what we both thought this trip was for (celebrating with Michelle vs a sister trip) and decided that Laura is not going on the trip, And neither am I.

This dream vacation was supposed to be for Michelle to celebrate her recovery and give her the trip she lost because of cancer.

And that trip...was with her husband. So we are gifting her and her hubs their three week Thai dream and while they are gone we will be taking care of the niblings. and I can say that I am REALLY grateful for Laura in this situation. she is famously the most fun aunt ever and I have no idea what to do with four teenagers for three weeks other than feed them.

Long story short

The three of us are sisters. we love each other. Laura and I haven't really ever opened up about how watching our sister go through something that might have killed affected us and we were both trying in our own way to show her how much we loved her, but we went about it the wrong way.

FINAL COMMENTS

Travena_Ice

> Wow that sounds like the best solution. Yes it was Michelle's dream vacation with her husband and it is absolutly great that you can offer her and him that. And that you are looking after the kids during that time. She realy has the best sisters. > > Maybe it is possible to take a short sister-trip somewhere that you all like before or after

Ill_Abrocoma3958

>>And let’s not overlook the husband’s side of this! Usually, these family dramas drag the spouses down, but he gets a front-row seat to how incredible his in-laws are. OP basically won "Sister of the Decade" with this move.

OOP

>>> He really is great and after talking about everything Laura and I both felt like AH's to him as well and apologized earlier when we told them the new plan. We both got so caught up in our feelings over feeling like we almost lost our sister and being so afraid that the cancer might return someday and we would still lose he that we didn't really step back and think about what he went through and is still going through as well. >>> >>> He said letting them be teenager free for 3 weeks on the other side of the world makes up for that though so. >>> >>> lol

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My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!pissible false accusations and mentions of child molestation!<

Original Post - rareddit  Feb 10, 2021

This is a throwaway because I don't want it associated with my main account.

I've been with my SO for the past four years. Parents love him and vice versa, and we went away for a few weeks the summer before 2020's craziness. As our condensed wedding is approaching in the coming weeks, I picked up his brother from sports on a day that he was busy, and he told me that his brother had touched him a few times in recent years, and I pulled over and asked him to tell me what he meant. He didn't want to go into detail too much, but he told me that he's tried to kiss him on the mouth when he was sleeping, along with how he put his stuff against his at times. I asked if he told his parents, and he said that they didn't believe him and told him that he was playing. I asked if he told anyone at school, and he said he did not either.

I have every intention of helping him, since he felt comfortable to tell me what he did for whatever reason, but I know that if I go about it the wrong way, that he can get hurt more or his brother can become defensive. I'm also having a call with my parents tonight too, to hear how they best think we should handle the situation and reporting it to the authorities, but I wanted to potentially hear if anyone has any advice on how to do it in the most protective way possible, assuming it is true, and by his expression, I believe it was.

As for my wedding, I couldn't care less about it. As of right now, it's over and not happening, and while I plan to break up with him, I just want to know how I can do it while best ensuring his safety. I live on my own, and he lives with his parents. I'd break up with his disgusting ass now, but I was curious if there's a way to help him before ending things and potentially separating contact with his family

That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him while I am

Edit: I'm going to talk to my parents tonight about potentially taking him in, and if for whatever reason they can't, I have my own place and can do it as well. As for the police, I'm probably going to get them involved with my parents after talking to them shortly and weighing all of the options, but we will for sure by today or tomorrow the latest

TL;DR: My fiance's younger brother told me that my fiance has been touching him right before our wedding, and I want to know how to best help him before calling everything off and breaking up with him. His parents don't believe him either, and I'm planning to contact the authorities tonight after talking with my parents, but I want to ask for more advice to cover as many angles as I can

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Proud-Pomegranate879

>Every survivor says thank you. The children you would have had with this man say thank you. Remember when people try to get in your head about “ misunderstandings” and “mistakes “ and “attention seeking” to be strong. The one who will pay the price is the 11 year old. He will be crushed without your defense. Be proud of yourself. You’re an amazing person for being his shield. Thanks again.

OOP

>>The shock of how I'm going to have to figure out cancelling the wedding, as well as explaining why and how much to explain, hasn't even kicked in yet, but it's not a priority at the moment, and I'll address that when the time comes. Also slightly/selfishly nervous about some backlash from friends/acquaintances and what they will think, but if they have such things to say, then they're probably not good friends to keep around anyway, although it'll probably still hurt nonetheless. Hoping for the best

~

Shindoblu

>I think the best thing to do is involve the authorities immediately, and try and see if the brother can live with anyone else, unless the parents start believing their eldest son is a vile excuse for a human being. You're probably one of the few people able the help the kid, as his whole family seem awful. See if your parents can help, but definitely report it to the police and block your fiancé (hopefully ex fiancé soon). Make sure the child can contact you or anyone else he trusts before though, because you don't want to leave him isolated in the situation any further.

OOP

>>That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him. I'll contact them after talking to my parents, since his own parents won't even believe him

Update 1 - rareddit  Apr 13, 2021 (2 months later)

I've lost track of how many times I've deleted and rewrote this, and I don't even know if I'll be able to write out everything in detail even at this point. I be completely honest and say that I'm writing this for myself more than anything right now. I haven't been able to do much of anything for the past two months, and while I appreciate and have looked at the encouraging responses and advice to my first post, I just hate myself now and don't have anyone to talk to, and I've lost a lot of contact with certain friends over the last few weeks, and it's been really embarrassing too and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I know I'm being selfish, but I haven't even been able to go to work without breaking down sometimes, and then there are days that I just can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I honestly don't know how long I'll feel like this

Update

I showed my parents the replies to my post, and we took a lot of the advice that we received after telling them what I wrote out in my last post. But as of right now, my fiance's family is in the process of trying to sue my parents, but there were some things that happened before that

The main thing that stuck out to me from the replies, was to not tell people the exact reason why I wanted to cancel the wedding for numerous reasons. The biggest being to protect the victim first and foremost, and the second because he could turn it around into a slander suit against me and give him a leg to stand on, and my parents agreed that those would be terrible mistakes to make, and I really appreciate everyone who pointed out similar sentiments

So, after I told them, we agreed that we shouldn't waste time because we don't know how long the abuse has been going on or if it is still going on currently, along with how we didn't have much time to cancel the wedding and how we couldn't possibly continue with this now on our minds

We decided to contact the police first and tell them everything that he told me about the touching including the wedding and the best/safest steps to go forward from here, and they were really helpful in telling us what would happen next and taking a lot of the work/stress off of our hands after telling someone with power to do something about it. The police were able to tell us what would happen going forward and answer questions we had regarding CPS and other fears about retaliation from his family and the best order to do things in, and after we talked to them, we spoke to the wedding planner next about cancelling the wedding as well as my fiance and his family with guidelines on how to do it that the police were able to assist with, and my dad was able to quickly search for a lawyer that would be able to advise us on how to go about this and walk us through a lot of it

What happened over the next bit of time, just happened so fast. I'll admit that my parents did the majority of talking to the police and the lawyer and were amazing throughout the process, but after we told my fiance and his family that we wanted to cancel, his parents became really mean and angry at us and began to act defensive when we began to tell them why in addition to the stuff that the police followed up with them on, and they have cut contact and have said that they want to sue for some of the money that they were putting into the wedding, but my parents said that that is the least of our concerns because of this

As I'm writing this right now, I don't know if he lied to me about my fiance touching him, but while I keep telling myself that he was not, my parents are starting to believe that maybe he was, and this is because the police have nothing as I'm writing this, and they said that he hasn't been extremely cooperative. I keep telling myself that maybe he's nervous, but I think he might've got scared and not told them what he told me, but it's been two months later and still nothing more than that

I could write a bit more, and I still might, but I'll probably end with this for the moment because I'm just lost. My dad was really stressed out a couple of nights ago, and that is the main thing that made me frustrated enough to write this post honestly. He asked me "if I had heard him correctly" as if he didn't believe me, and my mom didn't say anything to him when he said that. I know he's been tired and that he's been really stressed at work and has taken some days off too, but he got really angry with me out of nowhere and asked if I was "making it up because I got cold feet" and how "that would be a really shi___ thing to do" and other things, and I don't know where this came from, but I just remember him being so angry at me and hating myself, and the anxiety from all of this is just overwhelming at this point. I don't ever want to get married again, and I don't want anyone to ever touch me again either, and I know I sound like a stupid entitled bi___, but I just think that he's scared, but that his family doesn't believe him, and while I'm not entirely surprised with their reaction, I just get so angry when I think of what dad said to me the other night, and we haven't talked much since he said that with mom there

I feel like I'm destroying our family and their reputation, but I also feel that it's worth it to help him through this, but I just feel so powerless to do anything at this point, and a few of my girlfriends are angry at me for not telling them the reason why I called it off and said a bunch of mean things that I don't even want to write, and I literally don't have anyone to talk to right now. I keep telling myself that dad's just going through a phase and that he's just stressed because they want to sue him, but I just can't get what he said out of my mind and how mom just stood there and didn't say anything to help me, and I literally don't know what to do at this point. I don't regret going to the police, but I don't know how to get over my anxiety and wanted to ask if anyone knew how to do that, or how to just get over that mindset of not wanting to do anything at all. I haven't done anything fun or without this on my mind for literally weeks now, and I just need someone to tell me how to get back to a place of not perfection, but enough of one to be able to not walk around like my body's literally hurting when it's not and your mind just hurts when you think of everything. If there's anyone who's been through a similar down state and somehow got through it, I'm selfishly asking if they can tell me how to get there, because I don't see anything at the light of the tunnel, and I'm scared that nothing further will happen with my fiance's brother and that all we'll have is a lawsuit against my parents that'll make them hate me forever ​ TL;DR: I spoke to the police after speaking with my parents, and from the police to my parent's, everyone's been amazing, but after telling my fiance's family that we didn't want to go through with the wedding after contacting the police and talking to them to gain guidance on how to move forward, they said that they're gonna sue my parents for money that they gave to help with the wedding, and a couple of days ago, my dad kinda turned on me and accused me of making the entire thing up because he's really stressed, but I feel like he really meant it deep down, and I don't know what to do going forward for my own health, and I feel like I'm just going crazy at this point

Nothing has happened in regards to my fiance's brother, and I'm not sure, two months later, if he was able to follow through and tell them what was really going on, and my parents are starting to have doubts about me lying to "get out from having a wedding from cold feet"

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheBaddestPatsy

>Honey, what was your alternative? Marry a man you think might be touching his brother? Someone is lying, and there’s no way to be certain who it is—but you’ve been brave and made the best decision you can with it. Sometimes when you’re in a bad situation, there’s not a solution that makes it okay. You can only make the best choice out of a lot of bad options.

OOP

>>Don't regret it at all... just trying to get past the loneliness of a first breakup in front of extended family and my girlfriends who are no longer friends with me because I didn't want to tell them the gossip about an 11 year old kid for his own safety, so they said that "maybe we weren't as close as we thought" and ghosted me. I know that's selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done nothing with what he told me. Just hoping he turns out alright and wondering if I'll ever see him again

Update 2 - rareddit  March 23, 2022 (1 year later)

This is the last time that I'm going to come back to this, but I've been really depressed for most of the last year and have had my mind go to some really dark places too. Its been so many months and I still can't make sense of anything, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That's what been killing me, and I've tried therapy too, but I still feel down and have no passion most of the time for things that I used to love doing. In my first post that was over a year ago, my fiance's brother told me that my fiance had been touching him when I was driving him back from sports, specifically kissing him and that he hadn't told anyone. After he told me, I told my parents that I believed him and asked for the best course of action, and they agreed that it was best to go to the police as many had also suggested in my first post. I also told them that I didn't want to marry someone who could do such a thing, and a lot of people said that I had made the right choice even with no evidence to want to call things off. However, the next few months have been hell for me

My parents went with me to the police where I told them everything, but dad did most of the talking afterward. They spoke about CPS and how we should handle the cancellation, and dad also helped get a lawyer too. After we told his family that we wanted to cancel following the instructions that our lawyer gave, his parents were upset and even more so after learning about what we had done in going to the police, and they also said that they were going to sue us too. As we went through the process of trying to cancel everything, dad began to question if I had heard him correctly or if I made it up because I had gotten cold feet, but when I asked him why he thought that, he said that his mom told him that and that he had been thinking about it. When I told mom what he said, they got into an argument that led to dad yelling at me for telling her, and they've been distant since. Mom began sleeping in the guest bedroom before moving into her mom's ever since, and I've stayed with her on and off too

Update:

A few weeks after my update post, my dad stopped helping me after a follow-up we received that's made him blame me for essentially destroying their marriage and demanding that I pay him back for what he put out in addition to the stress its caused him too. My ex-fiance's brother (Jason) apparently told one of his friends that he had made it up, and that friend told his parents who told my ex-fiance's parents before it was eventually bought to us. Jason also admitted to making it up which was told to us during a follow-up, and I didn't know what to think at that point. My ex-fiance's dad also took to social media to slam my family, and as of right now, we are still in the process of being sued. Dad has also stopped somewhat talking to me since, and I don't know what to believe honestly. That was pretty much the last thing that happened as we're waiting to see what happens with the suit and everything, but he's basically disowned me and said that he hates me, and my mom has been distant too. I've tried to push through going back to work, but I've been so depressed on some days that I've been talked to by my manager about taking more time off, and I've even received threats from people I don't know about what I did to my ex-fiance and trying to "ruin him" among other things after my ex-fiance apparently contacted my job which just made things stressful too. I've been called a lot of things on my socials too to the point where I've deleted some of them because of it, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me too

With so much going on, it's been really tough to do really anything, and I'm lonely most of the time. Dad's hated me for weeks and mom doesn't support me as much as she did before, and I'm still just as depressed about it as I was almost a year ago despite trying therapy and having no passion. I'll ask again and say for the last time that I need help and suggestions on how to really move on because this past year has drained everything from me, and there are some days that I still can't get out of bed. I've lost so much weight since everything too and I can't even stand how I look anymore, and even after blocking my ex everywhere, I still don't feel any better as my doctor is concerned about me too. I apologized along with my mom after hearing what Jason confessed, but my dad refused to apologize and has still been upset with me, and I've been questioning if I did the right thing in taking his concerns to the police and as far as I did and believing him so blindly. I just need help on how to process everything

TL;DR: A little over a year ago, I(f22) broke up with my fiance(m24) after his younger brother told me that he had been touching him and went to the police with my parents, but the kid admitted to making it up and telling another friend who told his parents about it too

FINAL COMMENTS

purple_goat_8138

>Man, there's a lot to unpack here. It sounds like the easiest thing for you to do is to pack up and start fresh somewhere else, away from all that garbage. Are you in a position to be able to do that?

OOP

>>My job has so much going on right now from my ex-fiance's calling them and just how I'm perceived there from others who were going to the wedding who knew me from work, and the insurance through my job for therapy is another knot that's tough because I don't know how I'll afford it without it and especially when my dad wants me to pay him back the money he put out to try and help me, and we're still getting sued by my ex-fiance's family too. I want to move, but don't know how feasible it is or if I'll even get fired with how my performance has dropped too with the threats I've received online (deleted accounts now) on top of everything

~

Suspinach

> Some of these responses are unfeeling towards OP. I think the animosity comes from Reddit's massive fear of false accusations. But there are tons of stories from victims who were shut down by perpetrators' loved ones. > > OP really tried to do the right thing, uprooting her entire life to protect a child. Talking to her SO would just be "keeping it in the family" and risking further abuse by standing idly by. 11-year-olds know how serious sexual accusations are, but no one seems to be holding Jason accountable for lying and contributing to skepticism for actual victims.

OOP

>>A lot of people said that I should've gone directly to Jason's parents after what he told me, but I felt that that was the worst thing to do because in the event that it was true, it would only give them time to cover it or make him silent

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AITAH for not wanting to befriend my landlady's son?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Harassment!<

Original Post  Jan 31, 2026

I (21F) recently (about a month ago) started renting a room in a family home. It's in their basement, and I have my own entrance, kitchen, and bathroom. I generally don't need to go upstairs for any reason.

The family who lives in the house consists of a middle aged couple and their 18 year-old son. The son has a room in the basement next to mine, but he goes upstairs to eat, so he doesn't use my kitchen. There isn't any common space in the basement apart from the kitchen and bathroom, so I don't really see him that much. I spend most of my time in my room when I'm at home, and so does he.

However, a couple days ago, the mother (my landlady) came downstairs to talk to me, and she seemed upset about the fact that I hadn't been trying to befriend her son after I moved in. She said he's nervous about leaving his room because I'm so unapproachable, and that I should try to be more friendly and get to know him.

Now, I haven't exactly been trying to start conversations with him but I don't think I've been hostile either. I've smiled at him politely and said hi whenever we saw each other in the hallway, and he's never made an effort to talk to me either, so Idk what landlady was expecting.

When I moved in, she did tell me that her son lives in the basement too, and that maybe we could become friends. However, she didn't phrase it in a way that made me think she was expecting me to actively make an effort to befriend him. I just assumed she thought it would be a nice thing to happen, but not an expectation.

I was never against the idea of being friends with him, and if it had happened organically that would've been cool. But being asked by his mommy to befriend him isn't really making me want to make an effort. It also wouldn't feel like a real friendship if I'm only doing it because I'm being asked to. But I'm also thinking that maybe I should just try and talk to him since it's not his fault that his mother is like that, and I obviously want to keep the peace. But Idk.

AITAH for not wanting to be friends with my landlady's son at this point?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

No-Cell2614

>He’s 18. That could be a high school student or recently graduated. You’re 21. That’s 3 years out of HS as an adult. What in the world is this woman thinking? Continue as you are while looking for a new space and move asap. Trouble ahead. Avoid it.

OOP

>>The son is in high school. I am studying to become a nurse and work as a bartender during weekends. I have never been invited upstairs. The dad and son seem normal. The mom is basically the only one I've had an actual conversation with.

When told to keep her door locked

>There is a lock on my door. But honestly, I'm not really worried about the son. He hasn't been giving me bad vibes or anything. Just seems like a typical teenage boy gaming in his room. Dad also seems normal. Mom is the only crazy person as far as I'm concerned.

When asked of OOP made a decision yet

> Yeah, I'm going to look for a different place to live. Also since my landlady has tried to impose new rules several times that weren't discussed when I moved in or mentioned in my lease. Such as me not being allowed to come home after 10pm > >& > > Absolutely. It isn't a problem when I get off work at 7am because then they're already awake when I get home. But Idk what I'm gonna do when I get off at 1am or something. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to just avoid those shifts until I find a different place to live

Update  March 11, 2026

So, I moved out.

My problems with landlady only got worse. When I moved in, she told me I was allowed to have guests over as often as I liked. But then later, she changed it to twice a week after I had a friend over for several days in a row. And with everything else going on, I couldn't help thinking she was trying to force me to spend less time with my friends so I'd be more likely to want to talk to her son.

This also wasn't the first time she suddenly added new rules after I already signed the lease. She also asked me to not come home after 10pm because their dogs would bark when I walked in the driveway. I would not have moved in if this rule was mentioned before I signed the lease, because I work as a bartender!! So it's not really an option for me to never come home after 10pm.

All your replies really validated my concerns and confirmed that I was not overreacting. So I started looking for different living arrangements. I talked to my friends about it, and one of them immediately said he'd actually been considering renting out a room in his apartment to save some money. So I moved in with him 2 weeks later.

Landlady seemed quite happy to get rid of me if I'm being completely honest. According to my lease, I was supposed to put in a 4-week notice, but when I told her I'm moving out, she asked me how soon I could do it. Maybe she's going to try and find someone else to set up with her son because her plan didn't work with me. Anyways, not my problem anymore.

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For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Extremely creepy!<

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

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AITA if I back out of being maid of honor at my best friends wedding next weekend? Best man is my ex fiancé who cheated on me and I can't be around him let alone walk arm in arm with him.

Boru 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

**Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/

Original Post  May 4, 2019

Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment. Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she's reaching out to old clients because she's back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn't. In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I'm such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.

I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.

And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn't want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she'll "make it up to me."

I've never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can't be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn't need to fall apart because I'm upset. so I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, fucking as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his shit.

Woukd I be the asshole if I back out of the wedding?

Edit: wow I checked out for a few hours to try and sleep and this exploded. I’m so sorry I haven’t been reading I’ll try and catch up

Edit 2: ok guys I don't know what the verdict is but whether or not you voted yta or NTA and said I should go anyways to support my friend (we were friends before we were born, our moms were college roommates) your argument were the most convincing. I'm going to suck it up, participate, have fun, make my lock screen image the text from "Panama" where she said "remember, you liked tounging my asshole?" so when I get sad I have an instant reminder of who he really is. And then when it's all over I'm going to scream myself hoarse and beat the ever living fuck out of my pillows. If I can update a week from now I will. I still have a lot of reading to do so thank you all for commenting.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Edit 3 (that wont be seen): guys I've had the worst week of my life and been crying almost non stop since 3AM last  Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever). I have to clear up people calling my best friend the asshole. That just isn't the case, at all. I love her as much as I love any person on the planet and she has my back. But this wedding is now a week away. It's not a simple thing of kicked me out or asking ex-fiancé not to come. Everyone is furious with him but only she, me and he know the details of call girls. My ex's parents, grandparents and everyone else are going to be at the wedding. He's as close with the groom as I am with her. If they make big changes now then the day becomes about what HE did, not about the wedding. It's not my place to demand the groom change his best man... a week out no less...plus like I said he knows my ex cheated, he doesn't know my ex was sleeping with prostitutes. If I bring that up then this whole week becomes about THAT. My best friend and her groom being assholes isn't even an option on the table. They didn't do anything wrong and just reacting with the best information they have. My friend has offered me the chance to allow me and ex-fiancé to walk in with other people or even separately, but I'm not going to do that. First of all because I think it will look weird. And secondly I foresee getting a sick since of satisfaction of touching him ONE LAST TIME--FOREVER and have him know that that spark he feels...could have been forever come August but he fucked it up.

Is it possible for a cheater to change? I (27f) found out my ex-fiancé (28m) had been seeing call girls for about a year. I'm devastated but he is literally broken after I found out. I am finding myself sympathetic to him.  May 6, 2019 (2 days later)

So this is almost an indescribable situation because if you would have asked me last Sunday, I would have told you I had a perfect relationship.

Monday night he was flying (he's a pilot in the Air Force) and had left his phone at my house. in the middle of the night it buzzed and it was a call girl named "Panama" who had quit for a while and was reaching out to old clients because she needed money. I logged into his phone (we share passwords on almost everything) and at first told her she had a wrong number but far too much of what she said was identifiable to him.

I confronted him when he got home and he didn't try to deny it at all. He confessed that he had seen 2 separate call girls for about a year, sometime at the same time. He claims he's a sex addict and has been in treatment for about  a year. I knew he was in counseling but I thought it was for grief of a friend of his dying overseas. He promises me that he hasn't seen either of the girls for 18 months and that's the only time he's ever cheated in the 6 years we've been together.

Last week I was livid, like I couldn't stand to be around him lest I might do things I would regret. Last night in a moment of weakness I called him because I just wanted to hear it from him one more time as to why he did it. Why he needed call girls. I was so open to trying anything in bed, just why. And the truth is I miss him so much, it's killing me so a part of me just wanted to hear his voice and know that he's alive in this world.  We ended up having the friendliest conversation over the course of about 4 hours since I found out. the reality is I still love him. I love everything about him (except the fucking hookers part).

He's broken over this, he's taken himself off the flying schedule (in the middle of his instructor upgrade which may very well be a career staller) and he's doubled up his counselling sessions. He hasn't lied to me, he hasn't yelled at me, he hasn't blamed me for anything. I guess if there's a "right" way for a cheater to act, he's doing it.

All of this is complicated because we are scheduled to be MOH/Best Man in our respective best friends wedding this coming Saturday. Both of us agree that we don't want our drama to come in the way of their good day so while we aren't going together, we are going to put on our happy faces for the 4 minutes we have to be around each other. But I'm worried I'm going to break when I see him, tall glorious and handsome in his tux.

I am so devastated I don't know what to do. I miss him more than I miss any other person, but I also hate him more than I hate any other person.

what in the hell should I do? Can a cheater ever change?

tl;dr: found out my fiancé was sleeping with call girls for about year. Last incident was about 18 months ago and while I'm devastated, he's a broken person and I find myself missing him so much it's killing me. What should I do here?

UPDATE: AITA if I back out of my best friends wedding? Best man was my ex-fiancé who I found out was cheating (I can't believe how huge this got).  May 12, 2019 (8 days after 1st update)

edit: the 3000 character limit makes this read way more choppy that I'd hoped. I hope this makes any sense whatsoever.

I've logged into this throwaway a couple of times over the past week and honest to go have fifty DMs and comments asking me to update so here goes.

Some of you may also know that my story got featured on major, major news websites and blogs. It was crazy. I left way too much identifiable info in my post so pretty much all my social circle knew it was me and it was also the way most everyone figured out ex had been cheating. We had a "meeting" among the four of us as to whether or not we proceed. We pretty much agreed that not showing up would cause more drama and "whispers" than if we didn't show up so we agreed to be civil and stay in our respective places. But having to spend that hour or so in same room with him just fueled me up with adrenaline and pure rage.

That led into  bachelorette party that night where I got freaking hammered and honest to god made out with so many guys while dancing I can't even count. I also ended up having my first one night stand ever with a 20 year old super cute guy from our university's wrestling team who was so sweet. I'm not proud of doing that but I'm also not ashamed either because it made me feel desirable and almost like I was going into the wedding day and rehearsal with some "parity" since, he I can be "naughty" too.

Ex and I were of course paired up at rehearsal and I hate to admit this, we had an absolute blast with each other. It wasn't a mistake that we had such a great and fun relationship, we are very compatible. It probably also worked because we were able to put "the issue" on the side and focus on something else.

Wedding was very much the same way. We walked arm in arm down the aisle with big beaming (and genuine) smiles since we were there for our friends. I had prepared a really nasty MOH toast that would have praised my friend and her loving relationship, loyalty and truthfulness (I even included a line about you never know who is going to call in the middle of the night) but as the reception wore on I could tell the weight of the situation was really getting to my ex and I felt like I really didn't need to twist the knife any further so I gave a nice but very generic toast.

As night went on ex was more and more out of it and sitting by himself either on his phone or with his head in his hand. I didn't want people talking about him so I asked him to dance with me which was actually really, really nice since we both didn't say anything. At the end of it he but his hands around my face like he was going to kiss me (I would have totally let him, in that moment) and just whispered how sorry he was and walked away. I got distracted and turned around he had apparently left the reception. I hate myself for it but I was so sad to see him go. This wedding is literally the last thing we ever have to do with each other. There's no expectation of GOT Sundays or Bloody Mary brunches with his mom, we wont argue over how bad IPA beer smells or who forgot to put gas in the car. Like the reality of him just being able to leave without me arguing that I'm not ready to go yet (classic introvert/extrovert pairing here) sunk in that this is over. Like over...over. I went and cried uncontrollably  in the kitchen of the hotel until the bride found me and cried with for a good half an hour. With that I knew I made the right choice in being there for my friend.

So that is that, wedding is over and done with. No real drama, lots and lots of hurt feelings and a huge broken heart that I'm not sure how it will ever heal. I wish I could just turn off loving him but it's not going to happen.

edit: last word on this guys and it's really honest to god say thank you. This sub has been such an amazing place (and particular shout out to /u/snausagefest who is a great moderator) and absolutely coaxed me into the right decision.  I still have something like 1200 inbox notifications and I'm sure the people who gave me gold and silver are in there somewhere. If I don't get to thank you privately please know that I do thank you. And thank you so much for the words of encouragement that I will move on. I know I will. Right now its so fresh and I just keep thinking "god if you wouldn't have been up that night worrying about work, you never would have seen the text come in and you'd be ignorant to all of this...and happy." But that's not healthy because wishing to live an uninformed and ignorant life is never what I wanted to be. Anyways I'm indulging self pity and I don't want to do that anymore. This has been a crazy ride and I just want to say thank you. And foxnews...you kinda suck.

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My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 5, 2025

I don't even understand why this is an issue, but the drama and the fallout is getting to me and I'm tired of hearing about it.

My (32M) younger brother Dave (31M) has a new girlfriend Rachael (30sF) My parents (54 M/F) already met her once, and they said they would take everyone out for dinner so she could meet the rest of us; myself and my older brother Steve (33M). We didn't go anywhere expensive, my parents just took us to Canadian Brewhouse. At first everything was fine but then it got weird when it came time for us to order. After Steve gave his order (mac and cheese) Rachael said 'but I was going to order that'. We were all confused because no one said Rachael couldn't also order the mac and cheese. Our server was confused too and told Rachael the kitchen wasn't sold out of mac and cheese. But Rachael said she needed another minute with the menu. She asked Steve twice before the server came back if he was sure about his order. She ended up ordering something different but for the rest of the night she kept talking about how she wanted to get the mac and cheese. It was really weird.

Dave is mad at Steve for not ordering something else to accommodate Rachael and at the rest of us for not "defending" her. I don't even know what he means by that. The rest of the dinner was so awkward because Rachael kept talking about wanting the mac and cheese. My parents picked the restaurant because Dave said Rachael had been there before and liked the food. It was so weird. My dad and I both ordered the same sandwich with the side salad and there was no problem with us eating the exact same thing even though Rachael asked us twice if one of us wanted to change our order. I honestly don't get what the issue was or why she was so upset about Steve for ordering the same thing she wanted. I know this is a small thing compared to some of the things that get posted here, but I am tired of Dave being upset and causing drama over this. He wants Steve to apologize to his girlfriend but (obviously) Steve says he didn't do anything wrong. I just needed to vent about how I'm sick of Dave making a big a deal about this and bothering me and everyone else about how hurt Rachael is. I don't even get why it was problem. Rachael gave no explanation and neither has Dave.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Successful_Bitch107

>Did anyone ask her why she didn’t order the Mac and cheese?

OOP

>>She just said it was because someone else already ordered it. She didn't elaborate or explain when asked. She was asked at least once to elaborate before the server returned to finish taking our orders. For the rest of the dinner the rest of us (minus Dave) kept changing the topic whenever she brought up the mac and cheese because it was so awkward. Dave won't give an explanation when anyone asks why this caused such a problem for Rachael, even if he gets asked why. I honestly have no idea why this became such a big issue. My dad and I both ordered the exact same meal and we are fine.

Update  May 11, 2026 (7 months later)

It's not a long or exciting story but the update is that I will no longer go to restaurants if Rachael is going to be there. She doesn't get upset if we're having dinner at someone's home and everyone is eating the same thing. My parents met her once before the incident in my first post. They made lasagna for dinner and Rachael didn't say a thing about everyone getting a piece of lasagna from the same pan. She ate it without complaining. Rachael only gets weird and upset if we're at a restaurant or getting takeout, not if it's a home cooked meal at someone's home.

After the first incident, the one I mentioned in my first post, Dave was insistent that Steve apologize to Rachael and make amends even though Steve didn't do anything wrong. Dave always defends Rachael when she acts weird about this. I get that you are supposed to be on the same team as whoever you're dating, but Dave refuses to see that Rachael is in the wrong and I'm not the only one who is tired of it.

The last straw for me was at my cousin's 16th birthday. Rachael got upset because my cousin ordered the meal that she wanted and she tried to get my cousin to change his mind. My aunt and my uncle were not happy and they really don't like Rachael now. No one knows what her problem is. She just says she doesn't like it when people order the same thing and won't explain more. She even asks other people who order the same meal if one of them wants to change their order (like when my dad and I ordered the same thing the first time we met her). At the restaurants where this happens (Canadian Brewhouse, Milestones etc.) everyone gets a separate meal. They are not the kind of places where you order food for the table and share. I don't understand why this bothers her so much but I just won't go to restaurants if she's there now because she makes such a big deal about and you can't even enjoy yourself. I'm not the only one who avoids her either.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mapilean

>Rachael sounds exhausting.

OOP

>>She is. When Dave first started mentioning her, everyone was happy for him. Steve and I were excited because we both served in the armed forces and found out she did as well, and we thought we would have lots in common with her. But now all this has soured me on her. Steve can barely stand to be around her after how she and Dave acted.

~

mrs-peanut-butter

> Only thing I can imagine is that it’s some kind of OCD, but whatever it is, it’s her responsibility to manage. It’s absolutely wild that they won’t explain and just seem to expect you all to know what a grave sin Steve committed. > > Out of curiosity, did she react at all to you and your dad eating the same thing, at the restaurant? Like, keep glancing over or seem uncomfortable or anything?

OOP

>>Yes. She asked both of us if we were sure that we didn't want to order something else. Twice. She brought it up multiple times once the food came. She doesn't like it when anyone orders the same meal, even if it is other people. It is so bizarre.

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Me [61F] with my daughter [28F], she’s angry I don’t consider her pets my grandchildren

Original Post  Nov 15, 2017

My son told me about this website (daughter in question frequents it as well) so I’m hoping for some insight from a younger crowd. He suggested changing everyone’s names for anonymity, so hopefully I keep the aliases straight!

I have three wonderful children: a son, Michael (35), and two daughters, Anna (31) and Marnie (28). All three are married to lovely people, and Michael and Anna both have children. I adore my grandchildren, but I want to make clear that I have never expected my children to “give” me grandchildren. I respect each of them and how they choose live their lives because it’s their lives. I realize this might come off as overly defensive, but I had a mother who felt entitled to influence over certain decisions in my life (such as picking the husband I am now divorced from).

That being said, I adore being a grandma. Each of my grandchildren is a blessing, and I am so very proud of every single one of them. I’m the grandma who drives everybody crazy taking a million pictures, and I have a couple of dedicated shelves that I’m constantly updating with the latest pictures of my family (yes my children have suggested a digital photo frame, but I’m too old-fashioned to give up my paper copies!).

Now onto the issue. Marnie and her husband are childfree but own three large dogs of varying breeds. They paid a lot of money for these dogs from high quality breeders, and they’ve gotten the dogs great training. These dogs are obedient, sweet animals who love to be loved, even if they sometimes forget their own size (hard to share a recliner with 150 pounds of muscle!). I do love these dogs and am happy to have them over whenever Marnie or her husband come for a visit.

Last week, I got a call from Marnie in tears that honestly came as a bit of a shock. Now, I’ve mentioned the shelves of pictures I have. Apparently, at their most recent visit, Marnie’s husband scrutinized the photos and realized that while each family has its own shelf, the grandkids get a separate shelf and none of the dogs’ photos were on that shelf. To be clear, I do have pictures of the dogs (and I love the dogs! Love the dog pictures!), but those pictures are only on Marnie and husband’s dedicated shelf. Michael and Anna’s families both have their own shelves, and then there’s an additional shelf just featuring pictures of my grandchildren (all school photos/pictures from formal dances, games, recitals).

Marnie told me that she is hurt that I do not have pictures of her dogs on the “grandchildren” shelf because she said “they are my children” and she feels I do not value her or her family as much as Michael and Anna.

This is just not true, and I admit, I got a little defensive out of shock. I pointed out that I spend equal amounts of time with each of my children, and everybody has their own designated call night. She said I’m always going to Michael’s daughter’s soccer games or Anna’s children’s dance recitals, and I countered that I also went to Marnie’s husband’s softball games (I even hosted their league holiday party last year!)

We argued for about an hour and just kept returning to the dog pictures not being on the same shelf as the grandchildren, and all I could really say was that I never considered the dogs as my grandchildren, just beloved family pets. Marnie hung up on me after that, and I felt absolutely horrible because it felt like we were both talking past each other.

Michael called me just moments after hanging up, because it was his family’s designated call night and I’d missed our usual time. I was still upset from the call with Marnie and told him about our conversation (which I should not have done and absolutely regret), and he immediately went off on his sister. He was furious that she was angry with me, and offended that she would even suggest her dogs were “on the same level” as his or Anna’s children.

I quickly got the sense from his rant that this was a resentment long-brewing between the two of them. They didn’t really see eye-to-eye as children, but they’ve always been friendly to each other in front of me, and Marnie is a great aunt to both Michael’s and Anna’s children. But he just went absolutely in on his sister, calling her selfish and spoiled and delusional (which I told him was inappropriate and rude and not something I wanted to hear him say about his sister). He said that he and Anna had been putting up with her “BS” (although he didn’t use the abbreviation) for too long, and that he couldn’t believe she was trying to drag me into this “nonsense.” He closed out his rant by saying that comparing her dogs to his children was a “f-ing insult” and he wouldn’t stand for that “sh—”. He then got an earful about swearing at his mother, and by that time it was far past the children’s bedtime, so I missed out on catching up with them. All around, not a good night.

I tried calling both Marnie and her husband the next day, and got sent straight to voicemail. I assumed it was too early and they needed some more time to cool off, so I just left messages saying I loved them and missed them and hoped we could talk more about this. I sent a text message on Sunday to Marnie, but she didn’t reply. So I waited until today, Marnie’s designated call day, to try again, but I got sent straight to voicemail again. Michael and Anna both have tried calling Marnie and her husband, and they’ve also not gotten through.

I feel like an emotional bomb has dropped on my family, and all I want is to get everyone in a room to talk this out. It’s Thanksgiving next week, and I want everyone to feel welcome and happy in my home, but I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice or insight to provide in this situation?

tl;dr: Childfree daughter is heartbroken I didn’t consider her dogs as my grandchildren. Her older brother is offended at the idea of her dogs being “on the same level” as his children. I don’t know how to handle this. Who’s wrong? Who’s right?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SleepPrincess

> First thing, this seems rather silly that everyone is all upset about pictures on a shelf. I think maybe everyone should take a step back and realize that this is not worth such upset and discord. > > I'm getting the sense that Marnie has some emotional issues surrounding the fact that she is childless as compared to her siblings. It also seems that she feels some sense of inferiority to her sibling's families that have kids. I think maybe you should consider opening a conversation regarding that. I'm not entirely sure that this is exclusively about the dogs and the pictures... > > Edit: Is it possible that Marnie and her husband are struggling with infertility or something like that? Or have they made it clear they do not intend on having children?

OOP

>> No, Marnie and her husband have always said they never want to have children. She actually staged a little "coming out" to me just before they were married, to tell me that she and her husband were not going to have children. I was fully supportive and honestly not surprised, as she never expressed an interest in children the way Michael and Anna had. >> >> And yes, this does seem silly, which leads me to believe it's about much more than the photos. I tried asking Michael if this subject has come up between them before, but he's clammed up. Maybe I should ask Anna? I'd be very upset, after all the hullabaloo I've made about wanting them to make their own choices and live their own lives, if it turned out they'd been insulting and shaming each other behind my back. I thought I raised them better than that.

~

CormoranStrikesBack

>Be aware that Marnie may have been giving your son and her sister a tremendous amount of shit about this behind your back, which is why he blew up. I'd be FURIOUS if someone tried to intimate that my mom should love their dog as much as she would love any of my children. And I'm a dog person!!!!

OOP

>>I suspect this might be part of the issue. Michael's eluded to prior fights between them on this issue, although he won't tell me exactly what's been said. One of my grandchildren set up a FaceBook account for me that I never use, but I've thought about maybe looking at their accounts to see if there are any hints of these past fights. But part of me feels like that's overstepping my bounds.

~

justalittlebird88

> I'm wondering if there's a deeper issue here. I don't think she logically believes you need to treat her dogs like grandchildren so I would personally suspect one of the following: > > 1. She wants children but can't right now or can't at all, or feels bad she does not want to. Perhaps it's biological or perhaps it is her own guilt that she may feel for choosing not to, thinking you may see her as "less than" > > 2. She has always felt overshadowed by her older siblings and this is the problem she chose to express her need for attention and validation from you over. > > I think she's wrong in how she's choosing to express her feelings, it's a very strange argument to treat dogs as grandchildren, but obviously there's a part of your family life she feels like she is being robbed of, or guilty over and she needs to work through those issues. I would try to get to the feelings behind the facade of the 'dogs as children' thing.

OOP

>> Marnie and her husband got married with the understanding that neither wanted children. She's never expressed a desire to be a mother, and I absolutely respect that. >> >> But yes, I'm worried that subconsciously I've given off some feeling that I'm disappointed or upset that she doesn't have children. I would hate so much to know that I was the cause of this angst, inadvertently or otherwise. I just want each of my children to live the life they want for themselves, and not feel they "owe" me a particular version of that life. >> >> I know that I can't expect each of my children to have a perfect relationship with their siblings, but I do wonder now if Marnie is feeling left out in some way, because Michael and Anna share an experience she doesn't have. It breaks my heart to think one of my children might feel like less than the other two, simply because she chose a different path in life.

Has OOP attended events for dogs?

>I actually have gone to events for the dogs! About two years ago, the oldest dog was entered into a local sled-pulling competition, and I attended the race. I've also gone to the dog park with all of them, and attended a couple of obedience school graduations. They give the dogs a little graduation cap and it's adorable!

Update  Nov 15, 2017 (later that same day)

Well, I just got off the phone with my middle daughter, Anna, and bless her for dealing with this nonsense when she's trapped at home on bedrest. I now have a much better understanding of the situation and thought I would share some of that with all of you, since you've been so kind as to spare me your time today. Also, I've learned that I have raised quite the trio of potty-mouths, and I'm thinking a swear jar fund for family vacations isn't out of the question!

I decided not to text Anna and bring her further into this mess because of the aforementioned bedrest, but little did I know that she had spent most of her morning haranguing both of her siblings for their behavior. This fight apparently spilled over to FaceBook and just consisted of the two of them posting "statuses" about each other but not bothering to actually speak. Anna saw this, knew that I had been brought into the fight, and decided she would end it herself. While I appreciate her efforts, I am a little annoyed that all of this tension was boiling under the family and that my children apparently felt the need to protect me from their arguments, and then they go and explode the family with a resentment no one bothered to share. I'm also a little upset that Anna felt the need to act as mediator, when Michael and Marnie should have behaved like adults and simply had a discussion. I'm planning some significant one-on-one time with all of my children in the near future, just so that we can clear the air and everyone knows that they've been heard.

Michael claims that Marnie started it, while Anna says that Michael started it. But regardless, one or two off-color comments from younger, more stubborn, and more insecure people about the others' choices has snowballed over the years to this new nonsense. Marnie felt judged for choosing not to have children, and Michael felt disrespected by some disparaging remarks his sister made in the past. Anna has been witness to most of these little spats, and I told her I don't want any more specifics, because it was wrong of them to throw me in the middle of this the way they did, and I'm certainly not going to let myself be put in the middle again. I'm also hoping Anna washes her hands of their fighting, but I know that it's ultimately her choice. My children are good at communicating with me, but less so communicating amongst themselves.

Anna's told me to expect a call from both of them this afternoon, after they get dinner together and talk things out. I'm not expecting that everything will be perfectly resolved after one conversation, but I am glad to know they can put aside their grievances with each other long enough to try.

Anna has also told me (with permission from Marnie) that part of Marnie's blow up had to do with a fight with her in-laws. They are less willing to accept not having grandchildren from their son. His father is a "senior," he is a "junior," and they were expecting a "the third."

So that's about where things are left. I'm still upset at both Michael and Marnie, but I'm not really looking for an apology from either of them. I just want both of them to know that they are loved and respected. I'm sorry if this is all a bit rambling, as Anna had a lot to say. I'm thinking of suggesting the four of us attend a family therapy session after Thanksgiving, just to get everyone on the same page.

I would also like to say thank you to everyone who commented (and there are so many!) but a special thanks to those who offered their perspective as childfree people like Marnie. I feel like I have a better idea now of some thoughts and feelings she might be having, whether she realizes it or not, and how we can keep improving our relationship.

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My boyfriend blames me for a business deal gone wrong because he was rude to me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Misogyny, verbal abuse!<

Original Post  March 15, 2021

My boyfriend Derek owns a bunch of businesses. A few days ago he wanted to meet with a representative of a restaurant chain in order to acquire one of the stores.

Derek invited Alex the representative to have dinner with us at a fancy restaurant (everyone followed COVID protocols where we live). Things were going well and when Derek left for the bathroom Alex and I began to talk. Alex told me his family was originally  from Russia and I told him my Father trained in the Russian army. When Derek came I was talking to Alex about a good borscht recipe. Derek for some reason thought  I was annoying Alex and told me “Alex came here to talk about business not some dumb Russian soup” and then said “Sorry about that Alex she talks a lot about useless anecdotes”. 

I got red in the face and Alex said “Well Derek I care about dumb Russian soup because I’m Russian”. Things were awkward and long story short Derek didn’t get approved for the franchise and now he’s blaming me for it. I feel really guilty and I don’t know what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

yourdadneverlovedyou

>Nah this is all on him for assuming you the conversation wasn’t going well and that it was you. If he was smart he should have just joined the convo and found a more natural and less douchy way to move it back to business. Your BF sounds like a dick.

OOP

>>He has a habit of thinking whenever I’m talking to someone they’re annoyed by me. I’ve told him to stop, but he won’t.

Update  March 16, 2021 (Next day)

After what happened I started to reflect on our relationship as a whole. I noticed the trend that whenever I talked to someone Derek would always be hovering over me. Not just business partners, but his family too during events. Also him insulting me for what I would say was a trend I didn’t notice until now.

I told Derek about this in a last attempt to salvage our relationship because he still had some redeeming qualities. I told Derek I was thinking of breaking up because he didn’t respect me. Derek claimed I wouldn’t because I “needed” his money and I pointed out that I come from an upper middle class family and I’m studying to become an RN so I don’t “need” anything from him, but his respect.

Derek then broke down and told me he grew up seeing his father putting down his mother all the time. Derek said if I don’t have my “own opinions” and I rely on him for everything I won’t ever leave. Apparently that’s what his father taught him? I don’t know.

I broke up with Derek and I blocked him and changed my phone number after he threatened to ruin my life and tell the university awful things about me.

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AITAH for calling my girlfriend weird over her John F. Kennedy obsession?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior, ableism, theft!<

Original Post  Feb 18, 2026

Throwaway account because my girlfriend surfs Reddit often.

So my girlfriend, 19F, is a high-functioning autistic and tends to obsess over things more than the average person. Ever since I met her, she's always been a huge history buff and is now getting a bachelor's in American History and an associate's in Political Science. She is very politically driven and fixates a lot on political history.

Ever since high school, she's had a deep fascination with the Kennedy family, but more specifically, John F. Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy. She can name their birthdays and death dates and times off the top of her head, she can name all of the children Bobby had, she knows every single executive order President Kennedy has made in his years in office. It's not just John and Bobby, but the rest of the Kenndy siblings as well. I was never judgy about it, but I've always thought it was a little strange.

We recently moved in together, and I now realize how intense this obsession is. I knew she had some memorabilia, like old newspapers and campaign pins, but I had no idea that it was more extreme than that. She has posters, statues, books, article clippings, and an Ita Bag. Yeah, my girlfriend has a JFK Ita Bag. She also has almost every copy of George Magazine (JFK Jr.'s Magazine), she recently bought like $100 worth of Jack Schlossberg's campaign merch and will vote for him when mid-terms come around, she has Jackie's White House tour on VHS, the whole thing.

She collects anything and everything Kennedy related, and will talk my ear off about them for hours. It started to become very off-putting for me, seeing her obsess over real people who are now dead. Last night, we were eating dinner when the topic of Carolyn Bessette came up. As she was talking about Carolyn's relationship with JFK Jr., I explained to her that she was really weird and it was strange that she just knew everything about these people. I said that it's okay to have special interests but it gets to a point. She didn't take it very well and left to go stay at her best friend's house for the night.

I think she's overreacting, but I do feel a little bad, so am I the asshole?

EDIT: My girlfriend has always had a past with severe bullying, especially on her interests. I've never poked fun at them, so she knows that my response was not bullying.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

larachaes

> i'm not the biggest history nerd but i think knowing that much about history and politics is fucking awesome and tells me that she's a smart person. i'm assuming she's not dry humping a body pillow of jfk every night, so i don't know what your issue is. you knew she liked these things before y'all got together and now you're complaining when it's in your face. > > yta absolutely

OOP

>>I knew but not the extent and based off how big she loves JFK she might as well own a body pillow. I don't appreciate how much she obsesses over him and the family.

larachaes

>>>jesus christ get the fuck off my screen dude

~

RaymondBeaumont

> of course you are the asshole, how would you not be? > > have you never met a person with deep knowledge about something and collects stuff about it? no friend who is obsessed with football?

OOP

>>I do, but football is different.

larachaes

>>>how is it different???

OOP

>>>>It's more normal. A lot of people like football, and yes sometimes people can take it to the extreme but I find that football is more reasonable than the Kennedys.

~

WarmFaithlessness162

>Yes YTA. Just because you might not be into it doesn’t mean it’s weird, also as you mentioned she’s autistic spoiler alert it’s most likely her “special interest” which means yes she’s gonna talk about it repeatedly and be knowledgeable about the topic. Have you told her how you feel since it’s obviously such an issue to you? Or did you just run to Reddit to try to shame her for her interests just because they don’t align with yours?

OOP

>>I never thought it was an issue before so I never felt the need to talk to her about it. I came here because I just thought it was weird that she likes these things so much and I wanted to know if I was the only one who saw it that way

Update  Apr 8, 2026 (2 months later)

So it's been a few months since I last posted. First off, yes I saw that everyone called me an asshole. I still think some of you were overreacting, but whatever.

My girlfriend stayed at her friend’s place for three days. She barely responded to my texts except to say she needed space. When she finally came back, she didn’t yell or anything, which honestly made it more uncomfortable. She just sat me down and tried to explain, again, that her interest in history and specifically the Kennedys is something that brings her comfort and structure, especially because of her autism and past bullying. She said me calling her weird hit a nerve.

I told her I understood, but I also said I still think the level she takes it to is excessive and borderline unhealthy. I thought I was being reasonable by not backing down completely.

She told me that if I really thought it was that weird, then I probably had no idea how much of her collection I had actually been interacting with on a daily basis. I asked what that meant and she just kind of looked at me and said “you really don’t notice anything, do you?”

Apparently, and I swear I am not making this up, a lot of the stuff in our apartment that I thought was just “normal decor” is actually Kennedy related. The framed black and white city photo in the hallway is from the day of JFK’s inauguration. The dishes we use are replicas from a White House set. The throw blanket on the couch has some kind of subtle pattern tied to Jackie Kennedy’s fashion line or something like that IDFK. Even the stupid coasters have little embossed dates on them that correspond to important moments like his assassination, JFK and Jackie's marriage, Bobby's assassination, and so on.

I told her that kind of proves my point, that it’s too much if she’s literally building her entire environment around this family. She got really quiet again and said she didn’t think it was a problem because it makes her feel happy and safe.

While she was out again the next day, I decided to help. I packed up a bunch of what I thought were the things like the its bag, some of the statues, and a stack of magazines, and I took them to a storage unit my cousin has. My thinking was that if it wasn’t constantly in her face, she might tone it down a bit and we could have a more normal living space. I didn’t tell her beforehand because I knew she would say no and she'd probably blow up in my face.

She came home, immediately noticed things were missing, and completely lost it. I have never seen her like that. Not yelling, but like full shutdown panic. She started going through every room, opening drawers, checking closets, asking me where everything was. I told her I just moved some stuff out for now and she started crying and said I had no right.

Her best friend showed up with her mom. Apparently my girlfriend had called them in a panic thinking someone had broken in and stolen her things. Her mom was furious at me and basically said I crossed a major boundary and that this wasn’t about clutter, it was about me trying to control something that is important to her.

I tried to explain that I was just trying to make things healthier, but nobody was on my side. Her mom literally told me to give everything back immediately or they would come with her to get the rest of her stuff and she would be moving out.

She is currently staying with her mom again. I had to go back to the storage unit and bring everything back, and she came by with her friend to collect not just the items I moved but also a bunch of her other stuff that I didn’t even touch.

Before she left, she told me that what I did felt worse than the bullying she dealt with before, because at least those people weren’t pretending to care about her.

I honestly think that is a huge exaggeration. I didn’t destroy anything, I didn’t throw anything away, I just relocated it temporarily. But now her entire family thinks I’m some controlling asshole and she is talking about not coming back at all.

So yeah. That’s the update. I still feel like I had a point about the obsession being too much, but now I’m apparently the villain for trying to do something about it. So Reddit, am I still the asshole?

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Ex released our sex video we made when we were together and posted it after we broke up and I’m finding out two months later

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Revenge porn!<

Original post - rareddit  Aug 15, 2020

So the title basically explains it. When we were together we agreed to make a video together because it kind of turned me on and I wanted to have it for when i missed him. After we broke up I asked him to delete my nudes and the videos and he said he did. Two months later someone messaged me saying they found me on pornhub and it is my videos. I know it’s his account based on the username and profile photo, and how he acted afterwards tells me he definitely did it. Wondering how people in this situation have dealt with it. Has the video affected you in your life at all? Just want some advice. Thanks in advance

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FORBLU

>So, im sorry that this happened, you should contact the police and a lawyer, make legal action against him. Next, cut all contact (block number, social media etc.

OOP

>>So I wish I hadn’t said anything to him but I panicked and called him as soon as I found out. All of his accounts are private and there’s a chance that his pornhub account was deleted too. I’m worried that because he’s deleted the videos there’s no evidence that it was ever up

~

ES45Soldier

>That’s called revenge porn and it’s illegal so call the police on him. Don’t even tell him anything and let the police handle it. Take screenshots just Incase. He needs to be punished for what he did

OOP

>>Unfortunately I acted on impulse and called him when I found out. I handled this badly. He deleted the videos. I have screenshots of the video and account name. But I was so shocked I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the video and comments and his account stuff you know?

Update  Oct 2, 2020 (6 weeks later)

Hi everyone!! It’s been quite a while since my post that kind of blew up which I was surprised but super thankful for. I don’t know how to add links to the previous post but if you look at my profile you’ll be able to see the previous one.

If you don’t want to read all of that, the most you need to know is that my ex put videos of me on pornhub without my consent after we broke up and I found out two months later. Some good stuff has happened, and I was so thankful for all the comments that I wanted to update in case anyone really wanted to know.

So before I called the police, I gathered all evidence I could. I was too scared to even open the videos that I don’t have a screen recording of them up, just a screenshot of the title and thumbnail of the videos + his account name. As soon as I saw the acc name I knew it was him. I’m out text conversations I was able to find some stuff that would point back to the fact that it was probably him, I have text evidence of him saying the video was just for us and him saying he already deleted the videos after we broke up. When I called the police after recording a statement they assigned a detective to my case who was really nice and told me I had a good chance of things!!

Because he has no previous record, he probably won’t end up in jail, which I’m fine with. As much as I completely despise him now, I would’ve always felt guilty if I sent him to jail. Things have been moving pretty smoothly since then, he has his first court hearing in a couple of weeks, and I’ll see more about what direction the case is going in after that. For now I just wanted to let everyone know that on that side of everything, it all went super smoothly. There’s no saying what’s gonna happen in the future, but for now everything is good.

In terms of my mental health, it was really shit when I found out and after that. I was having a difficult time getting over it and realizing that he didn’t care for me to do something like that and that was hard. Because even after we broke up I still held him in a good light, not always, but there were a lot of times where I missed him and considered getting back together. But I’m so much better now. I started seeing someone else who has been really good to me and supportive. Im doing a lot better.

Thank you to everyone who messaged me directly for support and sending me information and links. You guys are truly amazing fucking people. To take time out of your day to send that just like, it meant so much so thank you. <3

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I am [f/30], my boss [m/50ish] is horrible and makes me cry almost every day

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Hostile workplace, bullying!<

Original Post  Feb 1, 2013

HI all

I know this isn’t your typical romantic relationship post so I hope it’s relevant for me to post here. This is about my relationship with my boss.

I am f/30 and my boss is m/50ish. I am a computer programmer specialising in a niche area of expertise and have worked with some very well known companies. I’m 10 years into a successful career. I’m well regarded and good at what I do.

I also have a SO, (M/32) and a daughter who is 9.

5 months ago I was offered two jobs at the same time. One within a bank and the other for a small company.  Because of the time required for of the extensive checks for the bank, I decided to take the job for a small company. In fact, I was heavily persuaded into it. I originally applied for a role of a programmer but the CEO pushed the salary right up and offered me a job as a technical senior manager, with the promise it would be very technically hands on.

I voiced my concerns about having no management experience but we talked me around and promised me guidance and support.

Over the months this guy has: •Broken promises •Lied to me •Been outwardly rude at every opportunity •Under mined me constantly •Never said thank you once – even when I put in many hours in the evenings and weekends (now stopped!) •Asks me to do A. I do A. Gives me hell for not doing B because I was doing A. •Has not allowed me to write a single line of code in 5 months and then outsourced the technical work to India against my advice and wishes. •Destroyed my confidence •Put me in a position where I cry at home most evenings •Put strain on my relationship with my family

He is disliked by everyone in the company – no one has a good word to say about him. Over Christmas, another director of the company asked me if I was having any challenges and I opened my heart and pretty much resigned on the spot but he talked me out of it, said things would change and that he would talk to the CEO. CEO was nice for about 2 weeks (we had lots of chats, I was open and frank) and then because I had prior stood up indirectly to him he has since been making my life a misery.

I am spending all my energy looking for a new job and being very proactive about it but it takes time. It hard because it’s difficult to take a day off at short notice for interviews. I also have limits because of my daughter’s schooling  - I can’t work outside my city. I have no savings and I am paying off debts so I can’t simply walk out.

I do have some leads (the bank have been back in touch but nothing will come of that until the spring) but these things are taking time. I am being proactive and pouring every spare penny I have into driving lessons which will give me more options. I have few employment rights because I have been there under a year (UK Law) and no one to talk to because my bully owns the company and talking to other directors landed me in a worse situation.

I can cope with not doing what I am skilled at and being bored and lied to but the fact that he is victimising me is unbearable. Even other people have picked up on it.

I am personable enough and get on with everyone but, being the stereo typical geek I am, I find the complexity of dealing with people very hard. I can’t play the manipulative games and get involved in the politics that are seemingly required to keep myself in good favour.

In my whole career, I have never worked anywhere quite like this.

I know I should keep my head down and take the money until I can get out.(Although I worry I won't get a reference!) I should focus on this and not let it get me down but that is so much easier said than done. I am angry and upset all the time and I am starting to feel like I’ll be stuck there forever. I am not sleeping, always in a bad mood and drinking more than I should (I usually don't drink much at all!)

What can I practically do to cope?

Tl;dr: My boss is a bully, I feel trapped and it’s having a massive impact on my life. What can I do to cope?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

laryrose

>Contact the director again and inform him or her that you are fed up. Are there any HR consultants at your employment?

OOP

>>No the company is tiny, so no HR other than a kind of receptionist but she is his PA so I don't trust her. Also not sure that the other director can/will do and there is a high risk it will make the situation worse or they will just ask me to leave.

Update 1  Feb 5, 2013 (4 days later)

Hi guys

I thought I would drop by with a mini update.

My evil boss has a kind of henchwoman  - she is a real ass licker and in many ways just as awful to be around. On Friday she took me to one side and started to have a real go at me for everything under the sun. She is not my boss nor my senior but I took each of her criticisms and addressed each e until she ended up apologising to me.... but then she followed this up with “ [Guy who sits next to her] has just told me that he overheard you talking on the phone outside the office. If you do insist on looking or another job, please be more respectful about it.”

I was flabbergasted. I basically said what I do on my lunch breaks in none of her concern and if my boss has issue he should take it up with me directly because I have no time for passive aggressiveness. I have not handed in my resignation so as far as anyone is concerned I am not leaving.

This weekend sucked.  It got to me really bad. I cried and took my bad mood out on my family and friends... not cool.

On Monday I noticed in my diary that I had an appointment for an electrician to pop around for 10 mins sometime in the morning the end of next week. I emailed by boss asking if I could work from home. I have not requested  this before and many people are allowed to – it’s considered a reasonable request in my office (they even gave me a laptop for this purpose). I was told “To be fair to the company, on this occasion we request you take it as annual leave”.

I came home and had a real heart to heart with my SO. He said he’s happy for me to leave any time I want, we’ll get by and he hates “seeing the sadness in my eyes”. That we’d get by financially and how much he believes in me.

On the back on my WFH denial, it dawned on me that the henchwoman had told my boss about me leaving and I was convinced that I was going to be asked to leave instead (I am on probationary still).

This morning I was a call from a recruiter. There is a company who lives 90 mins drive away from my home who have been trying to recruit a developer with my skills for 3 months without any success. They found my CV  online and are fizzing with excitement about me.

I have a telephone interview with them tomorrow and if that goes well a face to face a week on Friday (ironically when I’m being made to take annual leave!). There are no other candidates for the role and the job spec reads that it was written just for me!

If we like each other, it’s a big pay rise and it’s mainly home working... so I get to be paid more money to do a job I love whilst sitting in my bra and knickers all day :D And I will get to see more of my family too....and no evil boss.

Not there yet, but it looks hopeful and because of that glimmer of hope, I feel so much better about things. I have an SO and daughter that loves me, I’m respected professionally and this will get better!

My  telephone  interview is tomorrow at midday GMT, if the whole internet crosses its fingers, perhaps I might be able to tell my boss to go screw himself :)

TL;DR: Work has been horrible but got a promising job interview. If I get the job, I can do the job naked if I want.

Update 2  March 15, 2013 (5 weeks later)

I posted about a month ago asking how I could cope with my horrible boss. I had a job interview but it wasn’t quite right so I decided to stick it out a bit longer while waiting for something awesome to come up elsewhere.

In the mean time, I have kept my head down and worked hard. I have just completed a project, that was deployed today. No recognition of course but it’s been interesting work from my perspective.

I have been going for interviews and finally I got offered an amazing, local freelance contract. The paper work came through today.  In order to start, my first day must be 2nd April due to the nature of the work. I thought this would be cool as I’m on probationary in my current role and was sure I had read IN MY CONTRACTI could leave on a week’s notice.

I had a look at my contract today. I WAS WRONG! It clearly states that while in Probationary my company can get rid of me on 4 weeks notice but irrespective of how long I have been there I have to give THREE months notice.

I rang my boss (who is not in today) and told him I was going to hand my resignation in on Monday and that I needed to leave at the end of this month and he said “Uh huh...let’s talk about this on Monday”.

If he makes me work for three months I will lose the contract. I will also lose my mind. I think it will be very difficult for me to find another role that will wait 3 months for me to start. If I work three months and resign without a job to go to (i.e can’t find anything suitable) I will be in big financial trouble.

According to my google D.I.Y employment and contract law advise (I live in the UK), this actually seems legit.

So my horrible boss may well stop me from escaping his clutches. Can’t stop blubbing tonight :(

TL;DR: Found awesome new job but horrible boss may cause me to lose opportunity. It kinda feels like he owns my soul.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jsh1138

>what's the penalty if you just leave without finishing the notice?

OOP

>>He could sue me for cost to business and claim back my earning for not working the 2.5 months. This is a LOT of money. Not to mention no reference.

When told to call ACAS (UK employment lawers)

> Spoke to acas this morning. When I leave and IF he takes me to court, he can only claim tangible, provable financial loss to the business by me leaving early. Not my salary for the sake of it. Considering my role was brand new and I'm essentially doing business development AND just completed my first project I think he'd struggle to prove that. So although acas didn't explicitly say, I think I can walk safely. He will prob wave his arms around a bit though!

Final Update March 18, 2013 (3 days after prev. update)

This weekend I have caught Flu and feel like death. Non the less, I put on a suit, put my make up on, bought myself a double shot americano and went in to the lions den. He called me into the board room as soon as I walked through the door.

He made a point about how he was in control. How I WAS tied into a three month contract and how he could sue me for the cost of getting a contractor in (£350 a day) to cover my position for the remainder of my contractual notice.

He waived his stupid arms around to show who had the power.

I said nothing. I nodded and sipped my coffee.

Then he paused and said he'd considered it carefully and he is going to let me go next Thursday. He said he's prefer not to give me a personal reference and he is removing my admin privileges (I'm the IT Manager).

Even if he had continued down the line he started, I was going to walk anyway. I was going to break my contract, stand up to him and bid him good day. He did the right thing.

I won't get paid for the bank holidays (meh!) because of my release date and he sent me home today on unpaid sick leave (I need the rest and the sun is shining in my city today :) but I don't even care. I'm FREEEE. I can't stop smiling.

It's my 1 year anniversary and my SO is taking me for a beach break this weekend. I've booked myself in for a nice long massage next week too.

I've also just had a phone call from another company bidding for a higher daily rate for my freelance services.

I have learned a lot about how people work through this nightmare. I understand my worth as a professional and I think I'll be a better at standing up for myself in future. Also, I will NEVER sign a contract again without reading it three times.

Thanks for your help reddit x

**TL;DR:I'm freeeeeeeeee :D **

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My stalker just won't quit. He escalated his tactics today.

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

Editors Note: OOP previously had a BoRU: Male boss is clueless about pregnancy posted by u/Choice_Evidence1983

Original Post Aug 6, 2024

Early last year I tried online dating for a brief period. I immediately regretted my decision (a whole lot of creepy DMs that I don't need to describe here.) I made the mistake of using my real name on my profile on a local dating site.

One dude who lives in my city immediately messaged me and started flexing about his net worth, expecting that in my awe I would automatically drop everything, quit my job, and let him take care of me. (Nope, I love my job and would have no plans to quit for any man.)

The guy kept at it, making new profiles every time I would block him. Sometimes he would change his name but he had a consistent writing style (each message had similar mistakes since he's not a native English speaker.) I ended up deleting my profile from that site entirely.

He kept at it. He found my socials (Facebook, LinkedIn) and started messaging me there. Blocked, and blocked.

But apparently he kept looking on LinkedIn anonymously, and saw my post there that recently I was hiring for a direct report where I work (the position was filled two weeks ago.) But the stalker dude just this morning showed up at my office and told the receptionist that he was there for his "interview" with me.

I called security to have the guy escorted out. I will definitely get a security escort to my car when I go home today, just in case he decides to hang out. I'm still freaking out that he might follow me and discover where I live.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Silicoid_Queen

>YIKES. Sorry that some men are so crazy! Do you have a dog? Friends that you can check in with daily? This situation sucks

OOP

>> I only have cats. And a roommate (also a woman so she might be in danger too.) >> >> Since the original dating-site experience I did end up finding a boyfriend (now my fiance) who works at a different company in the same building as me. I might be able to do a public "affection" moment with him in the parking lot. If he's watching he can see me kiss a dude who isn't him. Who knows how he'd react, if that might set him off into a jealousy spiral, though.

Silicoid_Queen

>>>That usually doesn't work, and will most likely escalate the issue. Tbh, your best bet is making police reports. The first few won't do much, but it demonstrates a pattern of behavior that you can use as a basis to progress a case against him.

~

Professional_Wimp_

>Hey OP! So sorry for what you’re going through at the moment, men like him are the scum of the earth. Did you happen to notice what vehicle he used to get to your work if any? If so it would be a good idea to write a description of it and other details eg: what he looks like etc so you can eventually report him to the police. Does your fiancé know about this psycho? Wishing you all the best.

OOP

>> I actually know his real name from all his various DMs (he included his real name before he started using aliases.) >> >> I didn't see his car since I never left my own office during his visit this morning (I have a window that faces away from the parking lot.) But our security guy just informed me that he was able to get good video of his face (in the lobby), and his car (when he was escorted out.) >> >> And oh yes, fiance and I had a conversation early on about dating histories. I didn't have much to report at the time but that was definitely on my list. At the time it was just an "amusing story" until this escalation happened.

TOP COMMENT

redditexplorer787

>Scary stuff, check your car for AirTags and don’t always take the same way home. Document everything in case you need restraining order

Update Aug 13, 2024 (1 week later)

Update about the stalker who came to my office

I posted recently about a stalker who found me last year on a dating site, and cyberstalked me to the point that he came to my office last week (responding to a hiring notice that I posted on LinkedIn - he tried to arrange an "Interview" so he could have direct access to me.)

I did file a police report, documenting Facebook and LinkedIn messages going back to 2023 (I'd had him blocked in both places.) His Facebook profile identified where he worked, and so that's where the police officer went to locate and question him.

Turns out that he was in the US under an H1B work visa on a temporary work contract for a big employer in my city (you'd recognize the name). Execs in that company apparently got freaked out enough about having a stalker on their premises that they terminated his contract. Guy got fired!

The law around his type of visa says that he had 60 days from his termination date to find a new job. But it's a pretty tight network in the tech community where he works. He learned quickly that he's not going to get a new job within those 60 days.

Dude got on a plane this morning back home to South Korea. I'm so relieved!

Carry on, ladies!

FINAL COMMENTS

momofeveryone5

> Thank goodness! > > Anyway you can contact immigration so he can't come back to the US for a while?

whoinvitedthesepeopl

>>Good point. Crimes can count against you when you try to get a visa. Not sure about a police report without a conviction?

OOP

>>> I learned: he can come back to the US as a visitor with no visa required for up to 90 days. (He might decide to stay past that and risk deportation.) >>> >>> No way in heck would he qualify for a new work visa. I'm following through with the restraining order to make sure of that.

~

Gorgo1993

>Are you sure he got on the plane today?

OOP

>>Direct confirmation from law enforcement

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My [24 F] friend's [28 M] girlfriend [29 F] got publicly humiliated and fired from her job, she blames me and he is backing her

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Deception!<

Original Post Apr 17, 2016

My friend, let's call him Ted, and his girlfriend have been in a long distance for many years. The girl, let's call her Ellen, quit her job 8 months ago and came to live with him. During this entire time, Ted and I have been reaching out to everyone we know to help her get a job.

A few months ago, I noticed that the name of her last company was incorrect. When I pointed it out to her, she said that was on purpose as her company didn't have much of a reputation so she had basically lied she used to work at a much more respectable firm and put down her sister's name in references (who worked there). I told her she shouldn't have done that and most certainly not asked me to refer her to people with a blatant lie on her resume. She defended herself saying it wasn't a complete lie and she didn't make up work experience. I told her that's her call but I wouldn't be able to help her anymore.

After that, Ted and I were still on good terms but neither brought up the job hunt. Some time ago, she finally converted one interview and got an offer. She told me as well thanking me for all my help. I was genuinely happy for her.

She started the job immediately. A week into it, she was in an orientation session with all her peers and her manager publicly humiliated her for lying and asked her to immediately leave.

Ellen claims that while she was packing her drawer, she overheard him saying to another colleague that someone had tipped him off. She says that since only Ted and I knew about this, it has to be me. Ted says he doesn't believe I did anything but can't not support her as she's an "unemployed betrayed mess right now".

tl;dr: Friend's girlfriend lied on her resume, got fired, blamed me, friend says he has to sever ties with me. Should I try to prove my innocence by reaching out to employer or let it go?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ethelfleda

>Honey....people's actions prove who they are. Start distancing yourself from these liars who shift blame so they don't have to deal with their own issues.

OOP

>>And such a needless lie. You're right, shifting blame is exactly what she's doing. Playing the victim when it was her own mistake. I just hate that this has caused a rift with Ted.

~

Embarrassinghuman

>Don't say anything to the employer. She's using you as a scapegoat because she doesn't want to own up to her mistake. Let them be mad.

OOP

>>So true. There are stringent background checks done by employers, they don't wait around for tip offs from friends of employee. But these checks are usually completed before making the offer so I'm really not sure what happened there.

~

dragonfruitfly

>Often before making the offer but not always. I've seen a number of instances, including where I work, in which reference checks were done after an offer was made. HR probably assumes people who are applying for professional positions won't lie, as it's so easy to get caught. As we know, it does happen frequently. People do lie, often out of desperation.

OOP

>>Yeah out of desperation is right. But it's impossible to recover from if and when you get caught. In her case, it was so unnecessary

~

ramonadevine

> Honestly, so many companies won't contact the direct reference for a company and will often go straight to the HR dept. Or perhaps someone at this new company knew someone who worked at the company she lied about. > > She's short sighted and is just trying to scapegoat you. Take a step back and ignore her. Perhaps if you have any other mutual friends then do damage control before she attempts to turn any of them against you.

OOP

>>I wish someone had said this sooner. She's already gone and cried to our common friends as she now lives with them (Ted's two flatmates). My dignified silence hasn't made much of a case in my favor.

~

ijustneedausernameee

> I'm laughing at Ellen's belief that it had to be you who talked, instead of owning up to the fact that a blatant lie is pretty easy to verify especially nowadays with the internet. She clearly thinks she's a criminal mastermind. > > Also, her excuse for why she did it ("my employer isn't well known enough") is bullshit. I bet you ten bucks she was a horrible employee and trying to cover her tracks because she knew she'd never get a character reference.

OOP

>>Exactly. Her argument is that only I knew about it. Umm think again because I'm pretty sure the company you haven't worked for knows you haven't worked for them!

~

Happyendings4all

>Wait, did she tell them the REAL story, about how she tricked you and lied on her resume?? I'm assuming so because she had to have some reason to say you and Ted were the only ones that knew--and your so-called friends are FINE with that?? Don't let any of them work with you.... Plus, as I said, she tricked you because you said if she left the lie on, she couldn't use your letter of reference? Try to straighten it out but that whole group might not be worth much trouble, OP. Most people would be shocked that she would do that...isn't it illegal anyway, like fraud or something?

OOP

>> She told them that I was aware of the lie and had knowingly and willingly referred her despite that. And somewhere in the middle when the interviews started coming in and it got too real that she may actually get a job in the city, I got insecure and refused to help her anymore. She said to them that she still told me about the new job and I went ahead and did this to her. >> >> I'm guessing people are more focused on how horrible a situation she is stuck in.

Update 1 same post/Next Day (Apr 18, 2016

EDIT- Updating here. Just spoke to one of Ted's flatmates to ask what's going on. He said Ellen has basically weaved a very convincing story about me liking Ted and hence wanting her to not get a job here which she claims was the reason I had refused to help her earlier. She's been in tears, Ted tried defending me at which she started accusing him too. It's a mess and I'm not sure if I should say/do something here.

Update 2 Apr 21, 2016 (4 days later)

Original Post

Summary- My friend Ted's LDR girlfriend Ellen changed cities to live with him and his two roommates. Ted and I helped her hunt for a job for many months before I discovered a lie on her CV and confronted her about it. She said it was deliberate, she got a job recently, her lie got caught and she told Ted and others that I tipped off her boss to make her lose her job. Firstly, thanks to everyone for all your advice. It certainly helped to hear different perspectives.

As advised by many here, I dropped a one line text to Ted and one flatmate (I wasn't very close to the other one)- 'What happened was unfortunate and I understand that Ellen is upset but I obviously have nothing to do with this and hope you know that too. Speak soon. Cheers'. I didn't get a reply from either for 2 days, which is unusual but I let it be.

Yesterday, I texted one flatmate asking about weekend plans (as we all normally do something together). He replied with a huge wall of emotional gibberish which in summary meant this- that I had done what Ellen claimed without a doubt, that none of them expected such despicable behavior from me and that I should stay away

I tried calling Ted a couple of times, no reply. Today there was a check in on his Facebook with the four of them (and another friend) at a nearby beach.

tl;dr: "Friends" cut me off. Nothing to salvage here. Feels awful but for the best I guess.

FINAL COMMENTS

fartist14

>Since she basically lied about everything involved in this situation I wouldn't be surprised if she made up some convincing "proof" that you were the one who did it. It kinda sounds like she just wanted you out of her boyfriend's life and did what she had to do to get that.

OOP

>>Yeah and it's surprising because she never hinted towards being uncomfortable about our friendship before this ever

~

the_krusher

>If your friends are willing to believe a new girl that just entered their lives over you (and with no evidence...?), they were never real friends to begin with. I hope you can find better friends soon.

OOP

>>For all I know, she gave them "evidence". But for them to sideline and dismiss me completely after knowing me for as long as they do, yeah I need better friends. Thanks

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Nightmare Coworker thinks he's untouchable, slips up

Originally posted to r/coworkerstories

Original Post Dec 14, 2025

So I'm currently working for a rather large discounter as a cashier and stocker. This means that we have minimal staff to keep the store running (2 min., 3-4 on busier days). This means that each worker not only has a higher workload, but also means that everyone except the first register needs to do multiple things throughout their shift. The one responsible for the organisation of tasks is the most senior full time employee, internally known as the "vice manager".

(Names and exact jobs and titles have been changed for privacy obviously)

Recently we've fallen into a staff shortage due to our previous store manager getting promoted, and their replacement along with 2 other co-workers quitting due to medical issues and/or moving to a different city. This meant that regional was scrambling for new hires and onboarded quickly, skipping most of the formal onboarding process, which for me included about 8 (paid) hours of E-learning courses. Two of the three new hires are not noteworthy in the slightest, but No. 3, let's call him John, certainly was a character.

John is a ~25 year old toxically friendly non-native part time worker, that also works at a fast food chain across town as his second job. When John was interviewed, he not only lied about previous experience, as he claimed he worked for one of our sister organisations so knew "all the systems", but also lied about his availability, given his other job.

This lead to the interviewer from regional saying that he is eligible to be a vice manager.

When he started due to the rushed hiring and lack of store manager, he didn't do any of the e-learning. This is critical, since several of those (Register101, Health and Safety, Conflict Resolution, Youth Protection) are legally required to be allowed to work a register. Since we didn't know that he hadn't done those before at our sister store, he was allowed to operate the register, which he was unsurprisingly very bad at. Anyways. On day 2 of working with us, I had him as my second cashier, and he was already gossiping about that shift's vice manager, saying how she was bad at her job, and that "she couldn't make it at [fast food place]".

Then he complimented our most senior full time employee saying "wow you did that really well despite being ... you know." Then he started actively spreading minor rumors about certain employees hating certain other employees, all whilst having the Ego of a lifetime. If you asked him anything, he'd claim to know it, then tell you something completely wrong. He'd casually state that he was the fastest and most orderly and best at facing, etc. etc. etc., all whilst his cash register performance (digitally tracked) was severely under the quota.

(Note that our quota isn't hard to hit. Once you've been at the register for a month or so, you'll hit it and there's no repercussions for it unless you're under it consistently. Most exceed it by ~30%).

This underperformance is why he was then subsequently denied the ability to be a vice manager of a shift, since at that point it had also come out that he didn't work in our sister store, but worked in a bakery in the same building as one.

Then I was once again paired with him for a shift a few days ago. This is now month 3 or so of his employment and he is universally disliked as a gossiper, underperformer and fake nice coworker. Whilst everyone is still professional, he isn't on a friendly basis with anyone, as everyone knows about his gossiping and weird self congratulatory compliments.

That day I find out that he's handed in his two week notice, and what does he do? Underperform even harder. At one point during the day, his register crashes. When this happens, that register is out of commission for a good 10 minutes, due to the automatic reboot sequence. The current vice manager then came to the register to see what's up and initiate the restart. I tell him "You could go outside and put the carts in the pen. They've been messy for a few weeks now." to which he responds, not to me but to the vice manager. "This dude doesn't have shit to say here." to which the vice manager responded "it's still a good idea, come on let's go outside." (At this point they had a talk outside that I didn't witness, but got a transcript of later)

John: "This clown doesn't have shit to say here. I'm practically doing your job."

VM: "He's been here for way longer than you, and if regional walked in when you were just sitting there, it'd be your ass."

John: "He just wants to boss me around, that racist."

VM: "No he suggested something that needs to be done anyways, and that he can't do as first register."

John: "He obviously just wants to boss me around. I'm way higher than him in the hierarchy. He's just a cashier. I'm untouchable. They can't fire me I already quit. I can do what I want, and that idiot can't make me do shit."

VM: "Calm down, then come back in and go back to your register, end of discussion."

After that John looked visibly angry at me the rest of the day. Now do note that John was 90 minutes late that day, after calling in that he'd be an hour late 10 minutes before his shift started.

Anyways, I went to the VM after that to talk with him about John, where I found out about the conversation in rough strokes.

Then I didn't see John until the end of the day, but what happened during that time is going to end up with a severe whooping next week.

John wanted to go 5 minutes early to catch the next public transit time, which was exactly at close, whilst we usually take ~15 minutes to close the store(paid). Due to the VM being sick of John, he agreed, but changed his schedule so he wouldn't be paid the 15 minutes after close. Then John called the VM, who was in the store talking to a co-worker[Dora] that had come in for shopping late in the evening. Dora had at that point told John that he could restock the bottled water, since there was still time.

VM: "Hey John what's up?"

John(on speaker): "Yeah I'm done with the register. That stupid c*nt Dora just told me to restock the water. Who does that b#tch think she is?"

VM(stunned): "Uh, yeah. I'm gonna come get your register locked up. be right there."

Now, obviously, Dora heard that. She didn't say anything so John didn't know she heard, but told the VM that she'd stay after close to talk to him. I don't think I've heard any co-worker use any curse words or insults ever, so this is a major out of bounds.

During close, she asked us if we were okay with being listed as witnesses, to which we agreed and she said that that next Monday, so in a few hours, she'd be contacting corporate to see if she can "Make him exit a little faster and on fire."

This is getting interesting...

Update Dec 29, 2025

Hello again. It's been 2 weeks since the original post, since I wanted to wait for the full process to unravel, which was slowed by the Christmas chaos.

Original Post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/coworkerstories/s/TNIaEZUODG

As a quick reminder, the nightmare Coworker John is a 25 year old incredibly incapable, toxically friendly part timer that lied on his application about having worked for us in the past. After being a pain in the ass for a good quarter, then quitting and insulting one of our VMs(vice manager)(Dora) by accident.

So after that incident, Dora went to the regional manager to report this. This isn't the first report about John, given his track record as incapable, but it was the last. Though that's not quite correct, but I'll get to that later. Now, as mentioned in the original post, our atmosphere is very friendly and even mild insults towards coworkers would get you a talking to, so his behaviour was phenomenally out of line, especially to an off-duty VM (Dora is also a VM). Though I don't know the full story, from what I could gather several from the upper brass came to our store to talk to our Store Manager, Dora, and John one by one, with 3 corporate members each. Dora said that they meticulously went through the event with her, but seemed generally pretty unfazed in their expressions.

The store manager said that "they just asked about how much I trust you, Dora and a few others, then looked around the store like the Inquisition and left. No idea why they came. Inspection isn't for another 3 weeks at least.". (Inquisition is what we call "Quality Assurance, Audits and Revisions" which is basically just the Audit Guys.)

Now this Monday i look at the work schedule and John is completely gone. Not even a listing with no hours, just removed. Since I was heading that way anyways for shopping I hopped in and asked that day's VM who said "no idea. they usually don't go away until at least a month after their last day.", and the store manager said:"I don't think I can tell you what I know. If you wanna know, go ask Claire." Now, Claire is our regional manager, who we're on quite good terms with.

So I hit up Claire after getting back:

Me: "Hey Claire"

Claire: "Hey OP, what's up? I thought you were off until the 3rd?"

Me: "yeah I am. Just wanted to ask something a little off the record."

Claire: "Oookay? Let's see what I can do for you."

Me: "So just out of curiosity, what happened to John? He's not on the timetable anymore, and I haven't seen any good-byes."

Claire(audibly despairing): "Oh yeah... John. John is about as close to Super-fired as possible. After Dora called the HR director, HR sent out some guys to check up on things and John was stealing stuff. Not much, at least not much we can prove, but enough to fire him on the spot. His Personell File ist also marked with "Do not Hire" and "Do not Recommend", so I doubt he'll ever get a job with any company we're working with."

Me: "They can do that?"

Claire: "Apparently. I can't I know that much. Anyways anything other than that?"

Me: "Uh no, that's it. Happy New Year's if we don't hear eachother anymore."

Claire: "You too."

So yeah, John is super fired. Sadly no epic battle. Some of you have attempted to guess where I work, though none were correct. If all our subsidiaries are counted together though,we have a little over 3x as many employees as DG, though our customer base is just as animalistic. Given John is also likely blocked from working for our suppliers, I think a good half million jobs are forever out of John's reach, and afaik most Discounters call around to other brands to see if a person is a no no. So at least there's that.

Other than that, happy belated Christmas and happy New years in advance. Hope y'all survived the holidays, and managed to get some family time now let's make it past New Years (without me since I took time off>:D)

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dodongoqueen

I [24/F] was placed for adoption when I was a few weeks old. My birth mom's attourney contacted me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. But I don't want to meet her. Help!

Original Post Apr 6, 2015

I guess there's not much more to say.

Basically my parents adopted me when I was 3 or 4 weeks old. I don't know much about my bio mom other than I think the story is she was a teenage mom. I know nothing about my bio father.

I've never really been curious or had a desire to know the story or my bio parents either. The fact of the matter is my adopted parents are my REAL parents. They've raised me almost my whole life and half the time everyone, including me, forgets I'm adopted.

I'm now happily married and have a good start to my career. Recently an attourney representing my birth mother contacted me, saying my birth mother very much wants to meet me.

Reddit, while I'm grateful to my birth mother for placing me for adoption and for giving me the best set of parents and brothers (my adopted parents biological children) in the world, I am not very interested in meeting her.

I have no animosity towards her at all, as I said I am so greatful she gave me the best shot at life possible, but she is a stranger to me and I feel no pull, tie or even curiosity about her. I'm happy with my life and my family and this just seems like it would disturb that or throw it out of balance somehow.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting to meet my birth mom? I'm feeling really down about it. My husband supports me either way but he loves me like crazy and isn't the best for unbiased opinions. Neither my parents or my brothers know about this, just my husband, because I really don't want to involve them unless absolutely necessary.

And what should I say to my birth mom's attourney to make the rejection and let down as kind and easy as possible on my birth mom? I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to meet her.

TL;DR My birth mom placed me for adoption when I was only a few weeks old. I have a kick ass family. 24 years later my birth mom's attourney contacts me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. I have zero desire to see her. Is there a way to let her down easy or would I be a horrible person to pass this up?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bladedada

>I am no expert on the subject, but to me, it seems like your choice. She's extended the invitation, and you have every right to decline. No is a full sentence. You have every right to just respond and say no thank you. IF you want to do something about it, maybe take some time to write up a little "bio." A little essay about your childhood, your life, your husband, etc. The lawyer can give it to your birth mom. It might help her curiosity and assuage any guilt she has. I think that's a fair compromise. Since you have no ill will toward your birth mom, it doesn't seem like too much. Good luck!

OOP

>> Hmmm, that's definitely something to consider for sure. I asked her attourney if I could please have some time to think about it and he said to take all the time I need. >> >> This might definitely be the perfect compromise for both of us

~

whemifeellikeit

> Well, knowing who your birth mother is doesn't necessarily equal getting to know her or having a relationship with her. You don't have to want that. > > You don't have to want anything at all, and you're well within your rights to let the lawyer know this. > > Consider that it may be valuable in the future to at least know who and where she is, though. I mainly consider these things because genetic heritage is something valuable to know in cases of health/medical matters, and also because your children may care to know this information or what your ancestry can tell them in the future. Knowing where you came from can help in unforeseen ways sometimes. > > So if you feel inclined, perhaps write a letter to the attorney asking to know your mother's name and location and contact information, but write another letter for the attorney to forward to your birth mother saying that at this time, you're not ready for a meeting or a relationship with her. Say what you've said here, that you are very happy with your life, that you had a great childhood with a loving family, that you have a promising career ahead of you, and that you have a husband who loves you deeply and you him. That may be all she really wants to know... just how the baby she gave up turned out. Did she make the right choice? You may give her a lot of peace of mind if you just reach out with a letter this way.
> > Then, at some point in the future, you might have a change of heart or might want to pass the information down to your own children so that they can pursue it on their own.
> >Just some things to consider.

OOP

>>This was really good advice thank you. Hey, if it gives her peace of mind for her to know I had a fantastic life and a bright future ahead then that seems like the least I can do for the head start she gave me.

EDIT* Wow guys I can't believe all the responses! I log on and my inbox is overflowing! While I don't agree with all the responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. I'm still in the process of making up my mind but I think I know the route I'm going to take. I will give an update when something happens. Thank you again everyone!

Update - rareddit Apr 18, 2015

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded first of all. I took time to read all your comments and really think through them. Shout out also to my husband who has been my rock and confidant in all of this. For anyone who didn't read, this is the original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/31p3pd/i_24f_was_placed_for_adoption_when_i_was_a_few/

I just wanted to give a quick update and let everyone know what happened.

I decided to write a little bio about myself. I gave a brief synopsis of my childhood, my parents and my brothers. I wrote about my college major, my degree, my career, my husband and my plans and goals as well as some hobbies I like to do. I also included a few photos of me, my husband and my family. I also briefly thanked her for giving me a chance for a wonderful life and that I was very happy.

I sent everything to her lawyer and conveyed to him to tell my birth mom that I had thought long and hard about it and I'm just not ready for a meeting or any kind of relationship at this point in time but that I wanted her to have some takeaway. I also asked that if she had any relevant medical history on her side of the family or if she knew about any health issues my bio dad faced to please let me know as my husband and I plan on trying to start a family in the near future.

Her lawyer got back to me yesterday and said my birth mom was dissapointed about not being able to meet me but she was thrilled and greatful for the bio and pictures I had provided her and it was clear I had been raised well. And that she also wanted to tell me there were no major health issues in her family and to the best of her knowledge none for my birth father, but if anything came up, could she please contact me in the future?

I responded that he (the lawyer) is free to reach out to me at anytime if she has any relevant information in the future. I purposely said this because I don't want my bio mom just calling me out of the blue one day and possibly trying to harass me into having a relationship. I would rather do everything through a legal third party.

I reiterated again I don't want a relationship currently but I might be open to it someday (I doubt it) and they were free to keep my contact information and I would keep thiers just in case. Why burn bridges unnecessarily?

He thanked me and that was the end of that. I'm happy with my decision, glad I could give my birth mom some closure that she made the right choice and happy to be starting my life with my career and husband.

I know this isn't really the typical juicy stuff Reddit likes but it is what is and I just wanted to let all the people who took thier time to help me how it turned out. Thanks again!

TL;DR Gave birth mom a brief bio about me and some pictures. Found out that to the best of her knowledge there are no major medical problems. Keeping lines of communication open in case I ever change my mind about meeting her even though I doubt I will. All's well that ends well

EDIT: For some grammar and also I forgot to mention I told my parents and brothers about my birth mom contacting me, and telling them that I did not want to meet her but I did want to give her a quick blog about my life. I was worried my family would be hurt or not take it well, but nothing could be further from the truth. They were all super supportive and said they had my back no matter what decision I made and that they would love me no matter what. They are very proud and happy for the choice I made here. I am so greatful to have such an amazing family, I really am blessed.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/KidBrokeMyGlasses

My [30F] sister-in-law's [36F] autistic son [8M] broke my glasses, and I don't know how to ask that she pay for them without sounding like a dick.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Exploitation and ableism!<

Original Post Dec 20, 2015

So a quick backstory: I've been with my husband for four years and I love him dearly. His family can be...interesting. They're really snippy with each other and they fight a lot. My sister-in-law is not always the nicest person, but I think a lot of it is because she has 5 children, she works, and her husband doesn't help her much, so she's always tired. Also, I make less than $30,000 a year and don't have the best health insurance, but I depend on my glasses because my vision is so bad, so I always invest in them. I just got this pair of glasses last month and spend about $400 on them.

So the problem: one of my nephews is severely autistic. He is not verbal, he still wears diapers, and he can be prone to fits of rage and frustration. I am not the best with children, either, which compounds the problem with me. However, he has recently been enrolled in a special needs school that seems to be helping him, and I've learned how to understand him somewhat.

We are visiting for Christmas, and just last night, the autistic nephew crawled in my lap and started grabbing at my face. This is how he gets people's attention, and you're supposed to hold his shoulders to show you're listening/paying attention. But before I could reach down and grab his shoulders, he yanked my glasses off in his hands and cracked the frames right in half. I mean, he squeezed them in half in his hands, and the bridge snapped.

Here's what gets me. I didn't grab his shoulders then because I was so shocked, so he started squealing and get frustrated. And his mother, who had been sitting across from me the entire time watching, asked "What the hell is your problem?" and took him off my lap. I told her my problem was that I couldn't see, and she just grunted "You have an extra pair" and walked away.

I know it's totally fair to expect her to pay for the glasses, especially since I need a new pair every year (and my extra pair will work, it's just a degree or two lower than my current one). I cannot afford another $400 pair of glasses now. And I think it's pretty shitty that I'm getting blamed for her kid breaking my stuff. But he is special needs, and she is stretched so thin financially and emotionally, so I have a hard time figuring out how to ask her to pay for them. I'm honestly afraid that if I ask for the money, she'll take it out on my husband, or my husband and I won't be invited back for the holidays. As difficult as his family can be, they are still his family and he loves them (and so do I).

So what's the best way to ask without burning all of our bridges? Or should I just suck it up and pay for them myself?

tl;dr: Cranky, stretched-thin SIL's autistic nephew broke my new glasses. Not quite sure how to request that she pay for a new pair (or if I even should) without sounding like an asshole.

ETA: Fucking hell, RIP my inbox. I'll try to respond!

ETA 2: One lens is totally broken, the other is scratched beyond repair. I'm sorry. I should have said that. I don't think I was very clear with my eye doctor when I called because I was in a panic, so I will try calling again.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When told her husband should talk to his own sister

>Huh, maybe. I guess I just figured they're my glasses, so I assumed I should do it. But it is his family.

isnt_that_special

>> I agree that your husband should ask. I also have an autistic son (but I would be mortified and would've bought you a new pair of glasses ASAP!) >> >> 1) been married almost 10 years and the "your circus, your monkeys" method works great in handling in-law craziness. >> >> 2) while I absolutely love my sister in law, hearing that I acted inappropriately would be much easier to take from my brother.

OOP

>>>This is a good point, thank you.

OOP Added in the comments about the SIL

>I will point out that people do watch her kids, all five of them. I watch them when we're in town sometimes so both parents can go out. SIL has apparently been this cranky and shitty for her entire adult life, even before having children, and I don't agree with the decision to keep having kids not because you want them, but because you just don't want to do birth control, then you get frustrated when you get pregnant again. But they're her choices to make, and I do think she is stretched thin.

Update Dec 23, 2015 (3 days later)

First I want to thank everybody for their input and their perspectives. You were all very helpful. I want to give a special thank you to the people with children with disabilities who mentioned their own experiences and explained that even though their children have special needs, they as parents are still responsible for what they break, and yes, parents can use their child's disability as a way to shrug off responsibility. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

Next I want to explain a little about why I can't just buy glasses online and feel safe, and I hope I don't sound condescending. My better eye is -9.50, my other eye is -14.00, and I have astigmatism. I will probably be legally blind in the one eye within the next decade because it is getting so bad so quickly. In other words, my eyes are almost worthless without correction. I need my glasses to be perfect, so I trust experts to handle the issue for me. There was even a time when they called me and said they had to send the new glasses back because they got them, checked them, and noticed they were off. I drive, cook, handle heavy equipment, and sometimes watch children, so I need my vision to be spot on. I truly appreciate the recommendations for websites, but from my personal experiences and from what experts have told me, it is not a good idea for somebody with eyes like mine.

I contacted the eye doctor again this morning and asked about my glasses. They confirmed that I would have to pay for the new lenses, but my frames were under warranty. They'll give me 25% off the lenses I had before and will also order up a second pair in discontinued frames and with more basic lenses (no transition, lower high index level, so on) for emergencies, and I would have the second pair for free. I think that's very generous.

Today, my husband spoke to his sister. He told her that Andrew broke my brand new glasses, and because Andrew is her child, she is responsible for the damage, just as she would be if one of the other kids broke a neighbor's window. He said he realized she doesn't really care about my broken glasses and she assumed my older pair is "just as good." He told her that's not how it works, I am blind without them, and I need the most up to date prescription to see properly and not get headaches. SIL said it wasn't her fault because Andrew is autistic, and my husband got upset and told her she can't keep using that excuse every time Andrew breaks something. He also pointed out that we've heard from other parents who said they would pay for any damage their autistic child caused (thanks, Reddit!) and she got super pissed that he'd mentioned it to somebody else. She kept repeating that it wasn't her fault I was "careless," and then she claimed I just don't like her kids and I never help out anyway.

That is ridiculous. While I do not live very close to my SIL I help her when I am in town every other month or so. I watch her five children several days a week. That includes her autistic son Andrew, who needs diapers changed, will scream for hours on end, rewatches the same loud part of a movie over and over and over until he's distracted with something else, sometimes has to be coerced under a therapy blanket, and so on. I love him and he clearly loves me. He has even developed a home sign for me, and the other kids call me Noni. I am not asking for a medal or martyrdom, I am simply pointing out that I do try to help her with these kids and I treat them all very well.

At that point, my husband was really frustrated and asked my SIL what she thought was fair. SIL said I should buy my own fucking glasses for my stupid eyes (her words) and just take them off when I'm around her kids. I'd already told my husband that I was not okay with this option because it hurts to try and function without my glasses, and because autistic children usually don't like change and Andrew views my glasses as part of my face. He has never seen me without them except for the time he broke them. He also told her the kids will no longer be allowed to sit in my lap, I will have them sit beside me instead when they want read to or want to share a plate of food. My husband repeated that she was responsible, then made her the offer that I had suggested: she could pay for half (so $150 after the 25% discount) and she could do it in installments if that was easier. He told her this was me being generous and that if it were him, he'd require the full amount. SIL said she had the money but didn't want to pay me because I'm a four eyed lying bitch who doesn't need my glasses as much as I say I do, my husband told her tough shit, and now I'm sitting here with an envelope with three fifties in it.

We are staying with my mother in law, who came in an hour ago and mentioned that SIL called her in a huff and insisted I'll never be "allowed" to watch her kids again. Husband and I just looked at each other and knew that threat wasn't going to hold firm, and sure enough, husband just got a text asking if we can watch the kids for a few hours on Monday. She's not talking to me and will probably be cold on Christmas, but I get the feeling she'll get over it.

TL;DR: Husband talked with his sister and told her she is responsible for the glasses her son broke, offered to have her pay half in installments. She has denied responsibility for her son's behavior and is pissed at me, but has paid half. I will be getting a new pair after Christmas plus a free back-up pair for emergencies. Thank you for your advice.

FINAL COMMENTS

oh_boisterous

>Wow. You're seriously doing her the favor of watching her kids after how she treated you? I can't believe she has the balls to talk shit about you, yet still ask for favors. Wow.

OOP

>>If I do watch her kids, it will be as a favor to the children and to my MIL. MIL has the kids dumped on her all the time. Most of the kids like being with me because they get to do crafts and read books and I let them play video games for an hour. For now I'm not saying yes. I'm too hurt, to be honest.

[deleted]

> Does she actually expect you to watch her kids after she called you names and said you never help out? > > I'd recommend not doing anything for her until she apologizes, which in this case will be when pigs start flying. > > I'm glad you got the money!

OOP

>>Apparently, but she asked my husband instead, of course.

[deleted]

>>> And you two are a team. She can't have her cake and eat it to. >>> >>> If you were my wife, I'd tell the sister to go pound sand.

OOP

>>>>He told her we'd watch the kids when a Christmas miracle made the blind see, including his four eyed lying bitch of a wife.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kisekikumo

Me [20/F] with fellow classmate/student [25/M], how to tell him to back off when all other attempts have failed? Potential stalker?

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalker, harassment!<

Original Post - rareddit March 18, 2016

So I help out a teacher friend of mine (34F) in some of her classes. She used to teach me in the beginning but some years on, now I help other students in her classes so they can practice their work.

This one student of hers (25M) suddenly became overly attached to me. Always making a point of saying hello to me at the start of every class (he doesn't do this to anybody else, even the teacher), placing his hand on my back when I'm stood next to him or turned away from him, making a point of saying goodbye to me (as above), asking for personal details and contact info, following me out of class when he should be going in the opposite direction and just general looks in my direction that creep me out.

This started maybe three weeks into the course (one lesson a week). I haven't ever given him extra attention over the other students, made any attempt to be anything more than an assistant to the teacher, or gave him any reason to think that what he is doing is solicited.

I thought initially I was making a mountain out of a molehill so tried to nip it in the bud. I told him I'm not okay with him entering my personal space to touch me and that I'm here to answer any questions he has related to the work but nothing else. He apologised but the week after, all creepy vibes intensified and he started to make me jump by creeping up behind me on purpose when he says hello. He'd still touch me on my back but rather it being an attempt at an endearing pat or whatever, he would leave his hand there until I moved away (which I am very quick to do so but I know he would leave his hand there longer if I allowed it.) I've said "please don't touch me" countless times by now.

Speaking to the teacher, she looks out for me like a mum would. She said I no longer had to help him in class and she also told him that he shouldn't touch me at all. Other students in the class who noticed I looked rather creeped out (22F and 24M) have also gone out of their way to position themselves in between us when he has moved to sneak up on me. Speaking to them, one of whom also takes another separate class with him, they confirmed his behaviour is exclusively towards me.

So I stopped helping him and regrettably that had to include people who sat near him for fear he would try to start a conversation with me. A few weeks of realising I was completely blanking him and he starts to follow me out of class. I know he has to catch a bus which has its stop in the completely opposite direction from overhearing conversation with other students in class. It's dark when the class is finished and I have to walk a little bit to get to the car. This guy is 6'4 and easily twice my weight (and I'm rather chubby to begin with) so it naturally worries me.

He wouldn't say anything to me when he followed me until two weeks ago. He asked to have my email address for help with an upcoming test. I made up an excuse, saying I didn't have time and that the teacher already sent it out (thankfully she hadn't). I told him clearly that I didn't want to speak with him and that he should leave me alone like I've asked and like he's been told before marching away from him.

Last week, he was behind me in the queue for coffee in the student union. The barista (22M) and I were having our usual weekly flirty banter that we have when I grab a drink to take to class. He did not like this one bit and interrupted our conversation to ask me more about the test, whether I wanted to sit down with him to talk it over in the 15 minutes we had until class started. I said no and gave the barista a look.

At the counter waiting for our drinks, they came at the same time and after I'd picked mine up, he put his hand on my back again and tried to lead me over to a nearby table. I literally squirmed away and to the side, taking my phone out and pretending to text someone awkwardly because I didn't know how to deal with it and I'm not one to cause a scene. My wonderful barista saw the whole thing and came over and outright told him to back off because it was clear I was really uncomfortable. I hadn't told the barista about this guy, so maybe his creepiness is more obvious than I thought?

He walks off, presumably to class where I follow after explaining the situation to the barista for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately the coffee shop is closed when class finishes, so it's not like I can wait there for a bit before going to the car.

He doesn't speak to me in class, not even the usual hello or goodbye, but he still follows me halfway to my car on the way out in silence.

Class took a break this week and I'm really at a loss for what to do in time for next week. I enjoy helping out, the other students are fine and I don't see the point in having to give it up because I'll feel like this guy has won.

Why is he doing what he's doing? Could what he's doing be considered stalking? Should I talk to the department that runs the course about his behaviour? Should I talk to the authorities? Or am I really making something out of nothing here? I really don't know what to do, any advice to help me put an end to this once and for all would be most appreciated.

tl;dr: Student I help regularly makes unwanted physical contact, follows me to my car often etc. Has ignored all warnings from multiple people to leave me alone. What can I do to stop this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cinnamonteaparty

> I generally don't comment on this board but from one internet stranger to another, I'm worried about you and your safety. He is obviously stalking you and will probably escalate his behavior. Start documenting everything. Dates, times, types of behavior that he has shown towards you. Document, document, document and give this to campus security, the dean of students and the local pd. From my experience, campus pd and dean of students can't do anything unless there are documented complaints about the person. > > Immediately talk to your uni's campus security, dean of students and the local pd. Both you and your teacher friend and others have explicitly told him to leave you alone and he obviously does not/has not/will not get the message that you want nothing to do with him. > > Because you're worried about him following you after class, I'd suggest asking if campus security can provide you with an escort to your car. I believe most uni's have in place an escort service that students, faculty and staff can take advantage of in order to ensure their community's safety. Otherwise, maybe offer to give one of the more level-headed students a ride home so you won't be alone. > > I'd also suggest speaking with local pd (to see what your options are) and even installing some safety apps on your phone. I believe there are some that will send SOS messages when triggered (such as Rave Guardian) or even just having a friend notify authorities if they don't hear back from you after a certain amount of time after the class ends. > > Depending on state laws, you may also want to think about getting something like pepper spray or any other safety gear (even something as little as a whistle) as a last resort to protect yourself. > > Good luck and hopefully if there's an update, it'll be positive.

OOP

>> I'll definitely start documenting this stuff. I hadn't even thought of doing that before... I text my teacher friend quite a bit so I can pull all the ones concerning him from past weeks and add to it. >> >> I'll try and set up a meeting with them and I can show it to them. I'm sure there must be plenty of CCTV cameras on my route so I guess I could also ask whether they still have the footage from the street and in the coffee shop.

When told next time make a scene and get others to notice

>I hadn't actually thought of it in that way. I didn't want to be further embarrassed and I thought it could only agitate him a bit more. Even when the barista called him out quite harshly on it, it didn't seem to faze him and he still carried on. But I'll definitely try it when I know I'll have witnesses.

Update - rareddit Apr 12, 2016 (4 weeks later)

So, some people weighed in with their advice and ideas. But the general consensus was that this guy is indeed a stalker so I should be escalating my attempts in trying to get rid of him by going to the relevant authorities.

Since my post, I arranged an appointment with the department that runs the course first thing on Monday. My teacher had relayed her concerns but it seemed the head of department wasn’t taking things too seriously so far. A police community support officer was also present, along with the teacher and the four of us went over to campus security to get CCTV footage of my route from class. They only kept two weeks worth of footage locally, the rest goes off to a separate security firm to archive so they could only get that one week of him following me in silence. The film was pretty dark but it’s hard to mistake this tall, obese guy following me.

They put in a request for more footage and in the meantime we went to the coffee shop in the student union. The barista, figuring it would be needed, had already made a copy of the incident that happened there (where he tried to physically get me to sit down with him) and also gave his input on the situation to the head of dept. and PCSO. Watching that back, it gave the department reason enough to make the decision to ask him to leave the course without refund.

That was going to happen in a separate meeting the very next day. The teacher was present in that meeting so she let me in on what happened. Apparently this guy didn’t deny his actions outright but really didn’t engage with the questions he was being asked either. He didn’t object to being kicked off the course and he didn’t get angry or anything like that which to me comes off as even creepier. He’s been told to stay away from me and not go near the building when class is being held, but as for other areas on campus, I’ve been told by the PCSO that it’s hard to enforce any kind of restraining order in that respect.

I spoke to the student union. They actually upgraded my parking permit so I could park next to the building where class is being held so I can get in my car as everybody is leaving, walking past and able to see me. It’s also much better lit so I feel much safer while the days are still short. I bought a personal alarm and also have dug out a pair of boots with heels I suspect will be very painful should I stamp on someone or kick them where it’ll hurt. But I can still run pretty quickly in them so I’ve been wearing them around campus. Despite this, I don’t feel scared when I’m on campus or anywhere else. I’m very aware of my surroundings and I’m naturally wary anyway and I don’t feel like I should be afraid to go out in my own city.

For the rest of the week I didn’t see the creep either but I’m not naive enough in thinking he might just drop it all after one meeting. Going back to the coffee shop in student union there have been sightings of him but he doesn’t buy drinks from there any more. And on a much nicer note, the barista has asked me out after months of back-and-forth flirting. He said that maybe we should wait a couple of weeks until things had died down, to which I said that I shouldn’t let this whole thing get in the way of my social life. We’ve found we have a mutual friend so instead he suggested that she come along and kind of ‘chaperone’ us to put me at ease and in turn put himself at ease too. That weekend, we all went to the cinema and then for dinner and I had a great time. There was no pressure from him whatsoever and he said upfront this could be the premise to see whether we should go on further ‘proper’ dates so neither of us felt obliged.

First class without creep went very well. I think the whole atmosphere has improved for everyone and I can get on with things without having to watch my back. I went straight to my car with someone from class on their way to the train station. The one that also knew him from a different class who has told me his behaviour in other lectures hasn’t been out of the ordinary for him. He seems like kind of a loner. We didn’t see him around and neither did any of the other students upon checking in a group chat we’ve set up. I text my teacher when I get home to confirm I’ve made it back safely.

After all of this, I sometimes feel like I didn’t do enough to prevent something like this from happening in the first place even though I’m always aware of who’s around me and I keep a sharp eye on my belongings and never walk with my phone in hand, especially at night. I think that’ll still take a little while to get over. I never dress in anything revealing (not that that’s any excuse to harass and stalk somebody), and I wouldn’t exactly say I’m that pretty either so initially I didn’t feel like I could command that kind of attention from somebody. And I think that’s why, judging from the things the head of department and PCSO said and especially the way they looked at me, they didn’t really believe someone had gone full stalker on me. But I got a call back from the head of department today to say that they had watched the rest of the CCTV footage through. They’ve informed all of his professors on his main course so that they can watch out for and report any further creepy behaviour of his and that someone over at adult safeguarding had been informed.

But if the creep ever approaches me again I’ll call the police. He’s had enough warning from people in authority now that he can’t say that I didn’t make it clear enough I don’t want him around me so I know I’ll have a pretty solid case if it ever comes to it. And hopefully it won’t.

In the past couple of weeks, I've seen the creep around campus once or twice. I always text somebody when I do, but I make like I'm ignoring him and still so far he hasn't approached me. I’m getting on with things and I haven't let this get to me, past what it already has done. I went on more dates, and now I can say I have a lovely and protective boyfriend who looks out for me too. He's a real gentleman and I don't know how long it would have taken either of us to ask the other out if this incident hadn't happened. It was a real push in the right direction for both of us and I feel we're more confident because of it.

Thankyou to everybody that commented last time with their opinions and advice! I didn't expect to get as many as I did but I still read and considered everything.

TL;DR: Spoke to head of dept. who pulled him off course and told never to approach me again. Allowed to park next to class building where it’s much better lit. Have the support of my class, teacher and barista-turned-boyfriend. Pleased with outcome so far, but still wary and will go straight to police if there’s ever a next time.

EDIT: I know a lot of people have/will recommend the possession of pepper spray etc, but it's not legal in the UK no matter how much safer I would feel with some. Thankyou for your concern.

FINAL COMMENTS

HelpMyBabySleep

> I read something recently and I think it applies here. As a woman, you get really mixed messages about your safety. On the one hand, you're told your entire life that the world is full of bad men who want to hurt you. The world is full of bad men, don't talk to strangers. The world is full of bad men, don't go out alone after dark. The world is full of bad men, watch your drink. The world is full of bad men, dont dress too sexy. But if ever you turn around and say, "Hey, you're right, the world is full of bad men and I think this might be one," suddenly the world changes its mind. Are you sure you're not just misunderstanding? He seems like a nice man. He's trying to be romantic. Maybe you are not clear when talking to him. Maybe he's just got bad social skills. You must be sending him some signals. Were you too friendly? What were you wearing? You don't want to ruin his life over nothing. You should be more polite. > > So the world sends young women very mixed messages (watch out for bad men, but not too hard) and nobody can blame you for feeling unsure about how to deal with a situation like this. You did good!

OOP

>>Yes! I really think this sums up my experience with the relevant authorities during it all. I always had a sense of this, but it still hit me rather hard in the past couple of weeks.

~

Ethelfleda

>Great update. And honey, of course you feel like you should have done something sooner but you did what you did based on the experience and backup you had. You hadn't had to deal with this before so this was a learning experience. You did good. Please be kind to yourself and share your experiences with your friends so they can hopefully learn from your experience. Good luck!

OOP

>>Completely new. I guess I needed just that little bit of validation. And I definitely didn't think to see it this way before, it's been a learning experience for sure - thankyou!

Eidtors Note: OOP has posted on the account since, but no mentions of this experience

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7