u/Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/meowmeowkittykat21

My friend/bridesmaid [28F] dropped out of the wedding/ended our friendship sent me [25F] a text months later... I'm not sure how to/if I should respond.

Original Post  July 13, 2017

Diane and I had been friends for 5 years and I thought of her to be one of my closest friends. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding last year and she was supposed to be one in mine this year.

Things seemed normal.  We work at the same company and had lunch most days, she went dress shopping with me and got her BM dress for the wedding, we got our nails done together regularly, her husband was super excited for our wedding, etc.  Nothing really felt out of the ordinary to me.

Then in Feb, she told me she couldn't be a BM anymore.  I initially thought it was a time/money thing but then she said it was bc she didn't feel like our friendship was in a good place and that our lives were going in different directions and there was too much rivalry between us. I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. I asked her what this meant then... Were we still friends?  Was she coming to the wedding as a guest?

She said she didn't know but still wanted to have lunch once in a while.  I told her I couldn't do that.  It felt too much like trying to stay friends with an ex.  If she felt so strongly about us then I'd rather not have a half assed friend like that.

So I deleted her number, threw out the trinkets from her wedding and such.  It honestly felt like a romantic break up haha.  But I got over it.

Today out of nowhere she texted me a screenshot of Facebook of a pic of my cat with a toy she bought her (hence she was tagged) 4 yrs ago.  It was one of those Facebook "remember this?" things and this text:

"I know you still don't want anything to do with me and that's cool but this came up on my Facebook news feed and I thought I would send it along. I almost forgot how little she was when you first got her. And happy anniversary with her because I know that was last week."

I feel like she makes it sound like I ended our friendship for no apparent reason.  I'm not sure how to feel about this and just haven't replied.  I probably won't, but I was just feel confused and maybe just needed to vent.  What do you thing?

tl:dr:  friend cut off friendship randomly and then randomly texted me again as if I was the one to cut her off.  Unsure how to feel.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

katkolos

>Dont get sucked back in

OOP

>>I don't plan on it. I summerized it here but there was a whole week of her going back and forth on being a bridesmaid and being friends. I had to pull teeth to even get the "explanation" that it did. It was such a terrible experience that I'm never going back to it.

~

LuvBamboo

> It appears that the rationale your ex-friend gave for ending the friendship didn't make sense to you, and her behavior then and now is really bizarre. > > You have every right not to respond. While it's purely speculation, it sounds like your ex-friend might not be all there.

OOP

>>I've talked to a few people about it (a friend, my fiance, and my hair dresser) and they basically said the same thing. I think it's best just to ignore the text.

Update - rareddit  July 21, 2017 (8 days later)

Hello there! It's been a week and I have some updates, so I figure I'd close the loop for anyone that was interested. First of all though, I'd like to thank everyone who commented and helped talk so sense into me. It really was a wake up call since these past few months, I just thought I did something wrong or it was a mystery, but as most people concluded for me, Diane was having issues of her own and took it out on me.

So, shocker, I didn't text her back. I just ignored it.

I did get some insight today though so keep reading if you're curious about that. So Diane and I have (I guess I should say had) one mutual friend left. Her name is Cindy (30F).

So a little background, Diane and I used to work in the same department when we started working at this company years ago and became friends. Diane would eventually leave the dept because she said she wanted to grow, but constantly still tried to butt in and tell me what to do. Last year, Cindy joined that department as I was leaving so the 3 of us became friends. Cindy is still in that old dept now.

So since the whole ending of our friendship in Feb, I've told Cindy I'm totally cool with her being friends with Diane and also stayed totally neutral whenever Diane came up, but today Cindy exploded to me over lunch about Diane and it all came out.

Apparently Diane has been feeling very insecure about her life vs mine and has been going for promotion after promotion whenever a job opened at the company and has been rejected every time so when I got mine, it was too much for her. She's also apparently been really upset about her weight (shes a size 16) and when I started losing weight for my wedding (I was a size 6 when I got engaged and am now a size 2), she was also upset. She's also upset that I bought a bigger house and a new car (paid in full) this year.

So why did Cindy tell me all this? Apparently Diane has been butting into Cindy's work also and also criticizing everything Cindy does (her diet, her dating life, her dog) and Cindy finally had enough and cut Diane out and wanted to vent this all to me since she knew Diane and I also stopped being friends.

tl;dr: So long story short? Diane is toxic and insecure and Cindy and I are happier without her. Happy ending after all?

FINAL COMMENTS

poopnado2

>Oh man. I hope Diane gets some help. I feel bad for her, but of course there are way better ways to react to your life going poorly than lashing out at your friends. She should be happy for you, or maybe even ask you for advice about her career or dieting or whatever. It must be hard to see your friends succeeding while you stagnate, but she ought to be looking inward, rather than comparing herself to everyone around her.

BelindaTheGreat

>>I've never pulled a Diane on anyone, but truth be told, I've thought about it. OP is not only more successful than her, but wildly so from how she describes it here.

OOP

>>>I think it is okay to cut someone out of your life if you feel you are unhealthily comparing yourself to them or just unhappy with them, but it would have been nice if Diane just told me this instead of making me feel like I did something wrong and left me with no closure for months.

not_homestuck

> I bet she knew it was wrong though. I mean, since telling you would've had no benefit (what would you have done? Quit your job/gain back the weight?), if she really couldn't get over the feelings she probably figured it was better to just part ways rather than guilt-trip you. > > That's a bummer though :(

OOP

>>I think I would have just appreciated something like, "I need to work on myself for a while." or anything like that..? All I got was a I don't know what's wrong and it's not that I don't like you but also I don't want to be friends but I kinda want to have lunch sometimes...

When OOP was asked is she is the competitive one and doesn't realize it when telling her friend about her accomplishments

> I stated all these facts because I am explaining a situation to strangers on the internet so I'm trying to be as descriptive as possible, but I obviously never mentioned this to her in that way ("you're a size 16 and I'm a size 2"). > > I obviously did tell her about these things that were happening because she was my close friend. You tell your friends when you get a new job or get a house. I never said, "Hey Diane, I got a house that's bigger than yours", but in this post I had to describe it to you strangers what the situation is bc to Diane and I, we both already know the sizes of our houses if that makes sense? So things sound more comparative on here than they were in our real life relationship. > > In real life it was more like "Omg! FH and I are about to close on a house :D"

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/amithethrow

AITA for threatening to sue my parents for taking out student loans in my name?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Identity theft, financial abuse, probable malpractice!<

Editors Note 1: there are a few different student loan options: Federal Student Loans as well as Federal Parent Loans and Private Student Loans which go directly to the school. There is also Private "Direct-to-Consumer" Loans which goes straight to a bank account. (Its this one that OOP's parents seem to have used)

Original Post  Nov 20, 2018

I graduated college 4 years ago and I rarely speak to my mother or father. Maybe 2-3 times a year and even then it’s only for a few minutes, they refused to let me play sports in high school or have a social life and they’ve basically cut me out of their lives since I and about 75 other people got a city drinking ticket 7 years ago in college. Since I live about 800 miles away, I only go back to my hometown once a year either for Thanksgiving or Christmas, most years I stay with a friend or at a hotel, last year I stayed with my parents. No way in hell am I going back for either this year.

Just about 5 months before I graduated college, my parents bought a boat. I know they got a good deal on it and they have used it a lot. They took it out of the water for the season in early October. I’ve literally never seen it in person, just pictures from Facebook.

Last week I had texted my father (first contact since March) and let him know I would be able to make it back for Christmas. About a minute later he called and over the course of 5 minutes explained how he and my mother decided since their last child was about through college, they would buy a boat. The only problem was they didn’t have the ~$20,000 to buy it.

What was their solution? Take out a student loan in my name of course! My mailing address was always their house through college so I was none the wiser. Why was my dad telling me about it now 4 years after the fact? Because they can’t pay it back, they actually never paid any of it back. They kept putting it in forbearance but that ran out early this year. Fast forward 7 or 8 missed payments later and my dad tells me the only reason he’s telling me now is because he doesn’t want me to bring it up at Christmas and he knows it’s going to default in a month or two. His exact words were “If you’re going to make a big deal about this it’s best if you don’t come home this year”.

He also said it’s “about $25,000” is what I would need to pay it off. I hung up and just sat in shock for a couple of minutes. I called my brother yesterday and told him what was happening and that I think I’m going to sue them for whatever it takes to pay off the loan. I still don’t know what that amount is yet, I should probably find out by next week. I’m cool with my brother and he’s cool with my parents and I’m sure he probably talked to them because this morning I get a text from my mom just saying “Do NOT sue us”. I texted her back saying she would need to immediately pay off the entire loan and show me proof. She texts back that I need to grow up. Obviously I’m not even going to respond to that.

The boat is probably worth half of what they paid for it by now and with the hours they’ve put on it. I don’t know if they have the money or not to pay up immediately if I sue them but I figure I can at least garnish their wages. My other brother called and asked me to hold off a few months before doing anything that it was shitty of them to do that but to give them a chance to start paying if off.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DDisseldr15

> NTA. ONE MILLION TIMES NTA BUT I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO SUE THEM BECAUSE WHAT THEY DID IS EXTREMELY ILLEGAL > > Your parents are the assholes and horrible ones at that. > > You and I are going to solve this problem though one step at a time > > * You don’t have to wait until next week to see what you owe. AnnualCreditReport.com gives you a credit report from all three of the credit agencies free once a year. If you want to see how it’s hurt your credit score and get notifications anytime things are added, taken off or your score changes, you can try a score and tracking service like this > > * FILE A POLICE REPORT** which I’m putting in big bold letters because you have to get the police involved unless you want to deal with this for years and have to live with the missed payments on your credit. Most police officers have seen it before and they’ll see it again. Be sure to mention the boat in all of this, if they bought a freaking boat just weeks after the money was loaned out, they look incredibly guilty. Make the report and get a copy of the report when they say it’s ready. If the police or the county decide to pursue it, your parents are going to get charged with a felony. They aren’t going to tell the police to “grow up” when they show up at their doorstep with a summons or a warrant. If you aren’t willing to do this then enjoy paying the loan back or dealing with bad credit for a decade or more because student loans aren’t even dischargeable in bankruptcy. > > * Send the loan company the report and send the credit agencies the report. You want everyone involved to know that you aren’t responsible for this loan. 99.9% of the time, they’ll drop the loan from your credit within a couple of months. At least you’ll be able to tell your mom that you won’t be suing them….because the student loan company will be suing them and the county might be prosecuting them at the same time. > > As far as the relationship with your parents goes, I’d say good riddance for a long time because once they get a hint that you are standing up for yourself from either the police or the lender, shit will meet fan. I don’t know much about your parents or their backstory but from what you’ve said, it sounds like your parents have real issues. Maybe this will give them a kick in the rear to start being decent human beings, or they’ll try to turn other family members against you for it. > > Edit: Lots of excellent advice in the comments. Yeah, the parents are getting in trouble but they might stay out of jail. I would also recommend checking out these subreddits r/stopidtheft and r/personalfinance.

~

athrowingway

> I’m an attorney who works with a lot of financial services companies. I cannot emphasize enough: FILE A POLICE REPORT immediately and do NOT agree to any kind of repayment plan. You don’t want to accept any responsibility for this debt, because it will make your case infinitely more complicated. > > Don’t wait to take steps to absolve yourself of all of this. The longer you wait, the more problems it will create for you.

Update - rareddit  Oct 25, 2019 (11 Months Later)

This update has a happy ending of sorts. Basically what happened is that I did end up having to make a police report about what happened. My parents weren't arrested but they were charged with deceptive practice. As part of a negotiated deal, they agreed to become responsible for the debt and they received 12 months of court supervision.

The student loan company removed the loans from my name then made it clear they planned on suing my parents and myself. My parents for obvious reasons and myself because I benefited from the crime (my degree). My parents and I spoke to a lawyer who agreed that they probably could come after me for at least some of the debt.

Our lawyer and their in-house counsel came up with a deal that basically said if I paid half myself, they'd forever give up their right to sue me or try to collect the other half from me. I wasn't crazy about the deal but it's cheaper than going to court where I'd likely be found to be jointly liable with my parents for the full ~$25,000 and attorney fees.

I paid my part of it three months ago and it's like I've never had student loans. Nothing on my record at all regarding it. My parents sold the boat for a loss and are making payments on the remainder of the balance. They've apologized to me pretty profusely about it and I do think they are remorseful.

As a cherry on top, my brother told me they opened a credit card in his name around the same time they took out the student loans. He only found out after going to purchase a house and the loan officer asked him about it. That was paid off in full before he found out about it though.

I speak to my parents maybe once a month now, more than in the past and our relationship is still fairly cool but not nearly as bad as what it was. Also, I definitely did not go to Christmas last year, I think I will be going this year though.

FINAL COMMENTS

TabbyFoxHollow

>.... you actually speak to your parents more now than before? WTF?

sammers510

>>This should be the main takeaway, Holy f'ing shit how crazy do you have to be to let these people back in your life? Their sorry now? Now that they were in trouble and legally required to make amends financially? What happend to "grow up?" and he ended up having to pay half? JFC I wonder if he's going to be surprised the next time his parents f him or his brother over?

~

IsitWHILEiPEE

>After all of this, how is your credit score?

OOP

>>Pretty good, no judgement, no collections, the student loan account is gone, like I never had it.

~

bruh31198

> 1) Youre awesome for giving an update > > 2) Where’s the juicy stuff. Did they apologize? You’re thinking of going for Christmas this year, are you just super forgiving or what? I’d be beyond pissed and maybe I’m just petty but I don’t think I’d forgive something so selfish and rude. Your mom telling you to “grow up” for being mad about them basically stealing 25000 from you and lying about it? that’s blood boiling territory lol

OOP

>>They did apologize and I think they really did realize how it could have really fucked up my life....

Editors Note 2: in the comments lots of lawyers were saying OOP got screwed on the deal, and his parents lawyer should not have represented both parties.

chantillylace9

> I’m an attorney in this area of law and vehemently disagree with that attorneys advice, You had a degree before all this which completely destroys that argument of benefiting from this. > > You did not benefit with a degree because of this loan and should definitely not be jointly liable. > > I don’t think that was a happy ending at all and I would have loved to handle this case. > > Sorry you got screwed but your parents and it sounds like your lawyer too.

Blewedup

>>notice it wasn't "his" lawyer. he and his parents went to the same lawyer. that lawyer, presumably hired by OP's parents, conveniently decided that OP should pay up -- which coincidentally benefits his "paying" clients substantially.

chantillylace9

>>>Yes it was “our lawyer” which makes me think OPs parents hired the lawyer and told OP that they lawyer would help them too. Super shady

Edit regarding why I may have been found jointly liable - My parents paid 50% of my rent my senior year of college, I also (unhappily while interviewing) lived with them for half a year after school. They asked for half and wiped it off of my credit forever. It's more than 50% of rent but I was done with it. I have a decently-paying job now and wanted to move on. I did a crappy job of wording it but they sold the boat for ~$9000 (paid to the lender), I paid ~$8000 (a little more than what half of my rent was) and they are making payments on their ~$8000. Apologies for not being more clear.

Edit 2 Alright maybe I should have gotten a different lawyer. I just wanted it to go away with no lawsuit. Looking like that was short-sighted. Overall, I'm ok with it. I never paid my parents back for the 50% rent in college, they were just going to let it be, I feel like I've made up for that now.

Really good advice in this comment if you're worried about it happening to you. Just don't get a shitty lawyer.

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AITAH for not wanting our groomsman to bring his horrible partner to our wedding?

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Original Post  Aug 12, 2024

First time posting in this and I’m really at my whits end here. So I (27 Female ) and marrying my fiancé (31 male) in a few months.

We had previously set a standard that if people hadn’t been in a relationship 6 months prior to wedding day they couldn’t have a plus one so we wouldn’t have random people at our wedding that we didn’t know.

Long story short, one of the groomsmen got a girlfriend and we can’t stand her. She is mean to him and others, controlling, manipulative, and just a horrible individual. We’ve tried getting to know her on 4 separate occasions and have not enjoyed ANY experience as she always makes it about her and they ALWAYS end up in a fight where they break up. (They’ve broken up 8 times in 2 months that we know of ). She got mad at him ( and screamed and yelled at him)  for talking to me about getting her involved and me inviting her out with me and my friends more all while she was actively dancing on other guys and intentionally making our friend jealous

She deleted every text I sent so it looked like I was ignoring her and went to him crying that I was ignoring her and that we weren’t putting in effort when I was! I have every text I ever sent her where I was being nice and trying to make plans with them.

Said groomsman brought up bringing her to our wedding and my fiancé and I discussed and ultimately said no and gave all our reasons why. She doesn’t respect us, me or him individually and she is not someone we want to surround ourselves with because the drama that comes with her is NOT something we want to deal with on the best day of our lives. (There’s soooooo much more she’s done in the multiple encounters we’ve had and the things he’s told us but it’d take forever to get through. )

He sent us a text and said he, in fact, WILL be bringing his partner or he will no longer attend. Before hearing our response he went and got fitted for his tux. Which made me even angrier that he thinks we’re just going to let him bully us into letting them come.

We are trying to decide what to tell him as he’s veryy important to my fiancé. Like family important.

So I guess I just need advice?  What should we do…. And AITAH for not wanting her there and getting angry?

Edit: the relationship thing 6 months before the wedding was so there weren’t people that we didn’t know at our wedding day that’s supposed to be surrounded by the ones we love! There are always exceptions and anyone who questioned the “rule” text or called and we had conversations and tried our best to accommodate. He was not given a plus one. And she very clearly does not want what is best for us. Our venue has a very strict guest limit so we had to make cuts somewhere.

Second edit: he did not start dating her until after invitations were sent and  +1’s were decided.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kikivee612

> I guarantee that text was not sent by your friend, but his girlfriend. > > Why don’t you and your fiancé invite just him over and just lay it all out there and tell him exactly how you feel about this girl and how unhealthy their relationship is. > > Honestly, she’s not going to be around in another few months when you get married. They’ve been together 2 months and broken up 8 times? Yeah…they won’t be together.

OOP

>>We’ve tried and he agrees with everything we say but won’t leave the situation unfortunately:(

~

[deleted]

>I understand you don’t like her but she’s the groomsman’s significant other. After your wedding day he has to still deal with the fallout of his decision regarding her coming or not. I wouldn’t stay with a boyfriend that went to a wedding where I was banned. Most significant others would stand up for their significant other. Does she meet the 6 month criteria you set?

OOP

>>She does not. They have broken up once a week since the beginning of their relationship. ( no im not kidding or being dramatic. Literally once a week). And in my opinion I should want to be surrounded by people who love us and only want the best for us on one day in my whole life. She clearly doesn’t since she’s deleting texts and making it look like I’m ignoring her when I’m not and talking bad about me and pretending to be my friend only to scream at him because he and I had a conversation.

~

OOP

>She has made every single encounter we’ve had with her miserable. I do not want to risk that on what’s supposed to be such a happy day for us I guess is where my issue is!

SnarkingSnarker

>> I understand. Personally, I think I’d also prefer them both to stay home so there’s no risk of causing drama. You have the right to form boundaries on your special day. They don’t have to agree with it but they have to accept it. I just hope that it doesn’t cause a rift between him and your fiancé if he doesn’t show up. >> >> My boyfriend didn’t go to one of his long time best friends wedding as it was in a different state and he couldn’t get the time off to fly over there… and that friend never spoke to him again.

OOP

>>>I’m letting my fiancé ultimately decide what he wants as I don’t want him to ever resent me in the future! I also hope it doesn’t cause a rift! I’m so sorry about your boyfriend’s friend! I hate that so much and scares me which is why I guess I was seeking advice from people who don’t know any of the parties involved! Thanks for your response and best of luck!

Update  Oct 12, 2024 (2 months later)

Wow! I didn’t not expect so many people to comment and give advice!

If anyone is even reading this or cares, here’s the update.

So our wedding went amazing and was everything I ever dreamed of having. It was truly perfect. She stayed away and he stayed the whole time. Not as juicy as I know some were probably hoping. My (now husband) was able to celebrate with his favorite people without her ruining anyone’s fun. I did hear through the grapevine that she caused a bunch of drama when he met her out after the wedding, but at this point… who cares? Maybe that’s mean but they’ve pushed me to my wits end.

He hasn’t spoken to me since we told him she couldn’t come and has only spoken to my husband to get his things out of our shared house because he is… moving in with her :) so I guess misery wants company and they can enjoy being miserable and he can enjoy picking up his things that she throws in her front yard, calling him names, yelling at him in front of his friends and family, and just overall her being an absolutely vile individual. They need therapy separately and together but that’s not my place to say anymore.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I married my best friend in the whole entire world and now we get to spend a life time together.

And yes, when they inevitably break up, he will have a spot to come to so he isn’t alone. We will always love him but at what point do we stop enabling? Thank you again everyone!

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AITA for walking out of a dinner after being accused of supporting incest?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Biphobia!<

Original Post - rareddit  Dec 9, 2023

Hey. I'm posting on here because I need people's opinions on this. It's so fucking stupid and such a non-issue, (unless I'm wrong about that too) that turned into something bigger.

For reference, this happened on Thursday evening. We are all in our early 20s and all names are fake.

Thursday was our friend "Sarah's" birthday. To celebrate, our friend group decided to go out for dinner. There were about 10 of us. Everyone was in a good mood and it was really nice to just talk to everybody about whatever for hours, especially since I kind of had a stressful week.

Hours into the dinner, we landed on the topic of movies/TV shows that we were watching. Our friend "Amy" mentioned a show that I had also watched. As soon as she brought it up, I said that I really liked the show, and that the acting, writing and directing was top notch. "Mary" chimed in and said that she really didn't like the show and how she had been watching other things. Cool. To each their own. Mary then asked me how I felt about the main romantic pairing in the show. I responded that I liked it, and thought the romance was cute. This is where the drama started.

For context, I don't want to get too much into it because it might be confusing, but basically, the main romantic pairing is between the male lead and the female lead. There are some people who have interpreted that these characters to be related to each other. I do not. But I know that people are free to think whatever they want, and honestly thought that this topic was harmless. Well, I was wrong.

Mary took offense to me saying that I liked the romance. She asked me if I supported incest. I said of course not, as the characters are not related. She said that they ARE related and that me supporting their pairing is supporting incest. Mary then said that I should "educate" myself before saying "stupid shit". I was dumbfounded and thought she was joking but she was REALLY angry with me about this. She told me to rethink my values because supporting incest makes me a horrible person. I told her she was making harmful accusations over a TV show. Our other friends were telling her to stop, including Sarah, but she kept claiming that I was a disgusting incest supporter. She then claimed I was homophobic, since the male lead is bisexual but still ended up with a woman. Mary just wouldn't stop saying shit like this.

So here is where I may be the asshole. I left Sarah's dinner. My friends were asking me to stay but I felt uncomfortable, so I paid for what I ordered and left. Many of my friends reached out to me on Friday to ask if I was okay. Some of them, while they understood why I was upset, said that it was wrong of me to leave Sarah's birthday dinner and that I should have just ignored what Mary was saying and stuck around. I feel like they may be right and that I may have ruined her birthday by getting up and leaving, but I felt like I couldn't stay because of Mary throwing accusations at me over something that doesn't matter.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HauntedReader

> NTA and Mary seems like she takes things FAR too seriously. > > I am super curious what the show is though. Do you mind sharing?

OOP

>>Loki

HauntedReader

> See this doesn't even make sense with her argument. It wouldn't be incest because the two aren't related, they're literally different variants of the exact same person. > > It definitely falls on the weird side of things but definitely doesn't count as incest. > > Also I'm going to assume neither of you finished the series yet so like I'm even more confused by this take.

OOP

>>I finished the series. I don't know about Mary. I know that they don't end up together, but the point is that even in season 2 the implication is still there. But Mary was just upset that they were romantic in the first place.

TOP COMMENTS

mmiggs

> Mary is a clear asshole. There's no question here. And a very stupid asshole, if she thinks that bi people ending up in a relationship with someone of the opposite binary gender is homophobic. (Clue: half of the people that a typical bisexual person is attracted to are of the opposite gender. You might actually expect bi people to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender significantly more often than half the time. If you're a bi man, then your set of possible partners are (for the sake of argument, and there's some simplification of sexuality here) gay men, bi men, bi women, and straight women. The largest of these groupings, by quite a long way, is the group of straight women. > > NTA

~

PurpleMarsAlien

> NTA > > Mary is acting weird. Attacking someone over fannish beliefs that are not part of current canon is being rather extra and over the top. > > And even if this eventually becomes part of canon, someone who like the couple when it was not canon, were not supporting incest. They would have been misled by the creators.

Update  Jan 3, 2024 (Nearly 1 month later)

Hi everyone. First, thank you all for your comments and advice on my last post. It's been about 4 weeks since the incident at the dinner, and I just wanted to give you guys an update if you're curious.

First off, I just want to say that I have no hard feelings toward my friends who said that I should've stayed. I get me leaving was probably the best thing to do in that situation, but their intentions were purely good: to make sure that Sarah enjoyed her birthday dinner.

I reached out to Sarah and apologized for what happened, and for me leaving so abruptly. She said that I didn't need to apologize and said that all was good between us. I took her out for drinks. We had a great time.

Now, onto Mary. Since the dinner, I have been texting and calling her, just to talk about what happened. So far, she has either ignored my texts and calls, or given me very short responses, either telling me that she doesn't want to talk to me, or that she's busy. Sarah told me that she also reached out to Mary, and while she was actually willing to talk to Sarah, the conversation pretty much went nowhere. Amy also reached out to her. Like many of you were wondering, she asked her if she was a victim of incest. I mean, It would make sense based on her reaction. However, according to Mary herself, no, she wasn't. As far as I know, she isn't bisexual either, so it just seems she's throwing a tantrum over things that have nothing to do with her. Or it's possible that she's been spending too much time in online fandoms, but who knows.

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My fiancée wants me to get circumcised before our wedding.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/bestupdator

TRIGGER WARNING: >!racism!<

Original Post Feb 11, 2020

We met in the summer of 2018 and got engaged last year. Although our relationship is pretty solid, she can be very hotheaded. For example she gets upset when things don’t go her way and takes it as a personal insult. It’s definitely a “princess” syndrome that can be difficult to deal with but it never caused serious issues.

A couple of months ago she told me that I will get circumcised before our wedding later this year. I said no and she straight up told me that “it’s not a choice”. We argued for a bit and she said that I wouldn’t be attracted to her if she had an “outie” vagina with “extra skin” hanging (her words, not mine). I told her that it’s not really the same thing at all and that I’d be attracted to her regardless. However she got very irritated ignored me for the rest of the evening.

She has not stopped talking about this since that day. Everyday she sends me articles talking about the benefits of circumcision, that it’s totally healthy/safe and why I should do it. She says that “civilized” men get circumcised and that “we’re not like those Europeans”. The thing is, she’s mixed race (half French) and grew up in France so I don’t understand her thought process here. Her ex was French but she repeatedly said that she dislikes French people and wants me to be “better” than that. According to her, that includes getting a circumcision.

Yesterday she brought it up again and I said that she has no right to tell me what to do with my body. She yelled that she spends a lot of time/effort into her appearance and isn’t asking for much in return. While it’s true she spends a lot of money on beauty/hair/facial treatments (around $800 a month) I don’t think you can compare that to a circumcision. She got very upset, calling me “selfish” and “heartless” and basically told me to fuck off. Normally when we argue she doesn’t get that heated but I could hardly tolerate her attitude yesterday.

Later that evening we had sex (yes...I’m stupid) and in the middle of it, she brought up the topic again. It felt very manipulative and when I told her that this is not the right time, she accused me of not loving her and actually started crying. Since she rarely cries this didn’t seem genuine. She got up and told me that “we” will get this done either way and that I shouldn’t let such a small issue ruin what we have. To be honest, that sounded ominous and I don’t even know what to think of it.

Is this something we can work out at all? Throughout our entire relationship she never complained about my uncircumcised penis and now it’s such a big deal to her. It’s giving me anxiety about our future and I don’t even know what to do. We’ve had so many discussions about it and it always ends the same way.

TL; DR My fiancée wants me to get circumcised before our wedding later this year. I said I won’t but she keeps bringing it up and trying to make me feel guilty. Is there any way we can solve this problem?

TOP COMMENTS

AmensFuror

>This relationship sounds hellish. I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who makes such demands, and who cries during sex in an attempt to influence me. What are you doing?

OOP

>>I’ll be honest, I don’t know

AMarmaladeSandwich

>>> If you don't know, there's no way you should be marrying her. >>> >>> She's showing you who she is, I think you should believe her.

~

Leohond15

> WOW. This girl sounds absolutely awful. It's bad enough to try and pressure your partner to change their appearance in small ways, but she's trying to force you to get an unnecessary procedure on your dick. And harping on it! Her tears were 100% manipulation. You need to tell her that you are absolutely not altering your body for her ridiculous preference, and i it bothers her that much you will leave (and you should). This is a woman that doesn't respect your bodily autonomy, and therefore doesn't respect you as a person. I honestly don't think this relationship will last, and if you stay with her or god forbid go through with this, you're setting yourself (and potential future children) up for a lifetime of emotional abuse and being controlled. > > I have to add too that I find it pretty strange she's been presumably fucking you for quite some time now and is just insisting you get circumcised now that you're about to be married.

OOP

>>That’s what I don’t understand. When we first had sex she didn’t even comment on it. This came out of nowhere and I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up earlier.

Leohond15

>>>Did you ask her why she suddenly feels this way? I mean, I don't think the answer will change what I think about her or that this won't last. But I'm genuinely curious.

OOP

>>>>I asked her but she won’t give me a reason. She just says that it’s her preference and that discussed it with her friend

Update Feb 18, 2020 (1 week later)

I don’t know where to start but I’d like to thank everyone on here first. I have received countless PMs, all pretty much saying the same thing. Yet I still wanted to work out things and marry her.

Then a few days after my post we had a huge fight. She threatened me. I won’t give too many details but it was more than enough to give me a wake up call. And that’s when I finally realized that this relationship isn’t healthy or normal. I had those thoughts before but her action that day confirmed it.

Right now I’m in the process of completely removing her from my life. That incident had a significant impact on my mental health and at this point I just need a long break. I have spoken to her parents in private and they’re almost begging me to rethink the whole situation. I won’t.

I still love her but couldn’t do this anymore.

It’s a shock to the system - I went from planning my future with her to now actively cutting off everything that connects us.

I read through all comments again after the incident and they put things into perspective. Thank you again for all the advice and PMs.

TL;DR We are no longer together.

Edit: Post got locked I guess. Thanks for all the kind PMs. (But...please stop asking me to rate the sex out of 10)

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WIBTAH if I didn't invite my dad's wife to my high school graduation?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  May 14, 2026

Notice how I said my Dad's wife, and not my step mom. I don't see her in that capacity at all.

English is not my first language.

My (18M) parents had a rough divorce, and my Dad immediately moved on and got married to his former high school gf (before my mom). So my dad's wife was someone who was forced into my life without me wanting her in it. She doesn't have kids, so she's always clingy and trying to make it seem like me and my sister are her kids and we are this one happy big family. Imo, excuse my language, she is emotionally and socially a dumbass. She just doesn't know how to act. Once when they first got married, they had a get together and me and the kids were apparently making lots of noise so she took us to a room and locked us in (she was inside with us). She refused to let us out unless we vowed to not make any more noise (we were 6 and 7). Would love to add the fact that I got a lot of shit for that because "she was just joking" and I "don't know how to take a joke". She just doesn't know how to act.

This is going to sound crazy, but I actually love her mother (my dad's MIL). She's stood by my side during a lot of problems and has called out her daughter's behavior.

Now my graduation is coming up. My mom thinks I need to invite her because I have previously stayed over at her vacation home, in addition to the fact that she doesn't have kids and I am "the closest thing she'll ever have to kids". Now she and my Dad were very horrible to me in their first year of marriage, so personally, I've never liked her, and still kind of resent my Dad for the way things went.

I don't have enough tickets to invite her anyway, in addition to the fact that even if I did I want to invite people that in a way or another raised me or helped my parents raise me. Those include my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle (who one of which doesn't have a kid and I'm the actual closest thing he'll ever have to a kid, in addition to the fact that I share last name with him).

My mom thinks it's going to be very awkward for my Dad to leave the house to go to my grad, and for her to ask him and for him to reply and say [my name]'s grad. I think it's insanely inappropriate for her to be there, my mom is trying to avoid problems with my dad. But what business does she have being at the same event (concerning me) with my mom and grandma. Personally, I don't care about what people will think. I care about my happiness and the fact that I don't want her there. I feel like I shouldn't need to justify this to anyone and it's my decision.

I probably need to get over a lot of the things that happened in the past, but that's an issue for another day. Inviting her won't change that. Just to add, if I wanted to invite her, I'd have to sacrifice inviting one of my aunts/uncles. Which I'm not doing, and I'd rather not have a graduation then invite her. Also I wasn't invited to their wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Glittering-Paper4516

> Just invite him. “Hey Dad, tickets were extremely limited- I’m sure you and wife will understand. Looking forward to seeing you”  > > If he makes a fuss? Says he won’t come? “I’m really disappointed to hear that Dad. This isn’t personal, it’s logistics.”

OOP

>>That's a good idea. Thank you.

~

Ok_Tonight_3703

>NTA. It’s your decision not your mother’s. She locked in a room when you were a child and nobody thought that was fucking unhinged? > > ”… My mom thinks I need to invite her because I have previously stayed over at her vacation home, in addition to the fact that she doesn't have kids and I am ’the closest thing she'll ever have to kid’s’…” So fucking what? You are not her child and she did a shit job of trying to connect with you when you were you g. Locking you a room with her is not the way to bond with a child. > > Stop discussing this with your mother. Invite who you want. Don’t JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain. Givd out the invites. If your father chooses not to come oh well. Sounds like he was a good dad anyway. > > Congratulations on your graduation!

OOP

>> They thought it was a funny joke, and that I can't take a joke. >> >> Exactly! >> >> Thank you! >> >> Again, thank you! :)

~

Leading-Summer-4724

> NTA. As a step-mom myself, and as someone who had my own family bork out over who got to come to my graduation — this is YOUR DAY. You invite who you want to be there, period. > > That said, it’s best to manage your dad’s expectations prior to the big day, and do your best to not put your mom in the middle of the conversation. I only say this because she seemed to be concerned about “avoiding problems” with your dad, and that may be because she expects the social backlash to fall on her. Make it clear to your dad that this is your choice, and he shouldn’t try to go to your mom and make her uncomfortable with the idea she will change your mind.

OOP

>>I told my mother that this wasn't her battle to fight and that he had nothing to do with it, and that I'd handle it all. Thanks for your comment.

~

notwhoyouthinkc

> NTA. This is YOUR graduation. And like you said, there aren’t even enough tickets to begin with. Do not cave, and do not let them guilt you into this. I have a similar family dynamic as you. I’m 30 now, and my dad married a textbook narcissistic nightmare of a woman who treated me, my sister, and my brother horribly while treating her own 2 kids as if they shit rainbows. When we tried to talk to my dad about her and the horrible things she did to us, he refused (and honestly still refuses) to acknowledge that he was emotionally absent and left his biological kids to deal with someone who was genuinely toxic. He hid behind the “provider” role since it was easier for him than facing his own trauma and actually being emotionally present for the kids who needed him. > > To this day, he still downplays/ flat-out denies a lot of what happened, so my relationship with him is very surface level now. I only talk to him occasionally just to make sure he’s okay because I know I’d feel guilty if something happened (like him dying) and we never spoke again. I finally stood my ground and called him out when I was around 25, and I honestly wish I had done it sooner. You are allowed to protect your peace and set boundaries, even with family do not wait to do so like I did.

OOP

>>Thank you so much for your advice, it really means a lot. Look, I've always been confrontational (and attempted to stand my ground) since I was a kid. But I was weak. I was a child, I lacked the vocabulary needed in order to defend myself. But now I'm not weak, so now I'm standing my ground.

~

CatJarmansPants

> Easy decision - hard conversation. > > You 'simply' need to have a conversation with your dad, one-on-one, and say that now you're an adult you want to have a grown up relationship with him - that he needs to understand that you don't see his wife as stepmother/family figure, and the pair of you don't get on. > > (See how diplomatic I'm being here?) > > That you accept that for him this conversation will be difficult, but that he needs to understand that she won't be part of your life - you'll be pleasant, friendly etc.. but you are not going to withhold an invitation to your graduation from someone you really want to attend (whatever their relationship to you) in order to give one to her. Add in the lie that if you had an unlimited supply of invitations you'd giver her one, but you don't. He may know it's a lie, but it's about softening the blow. > > You are going to face the rocky truth that he may decide not to attend without his wife, and that that will be a pattern throughout life - birthdays, weddings, children's parties etc.. > > You can then decide that you're fine with that. Or not. > > NTA. But this isn't a one time thing, in becoming an adult you get to make decisions about your life, but you also get to keep the consequences.

OOP

>> Yes, definitely, the diplomacy/message delivery is the most important thing in this situation. >> >> Exactly, I understand that my potential decision could have consequences but I'm fine and at peace with my decision.

Update  June 27, 2026 (6 weeks later)

When I wrote the post, I wrote it as a hypothetical scenario. Despite my mom and brother's warnings, I thought my Dad wasn't going to ask me to invite his wife. Boy was I wrong.

After I wrote the post, I went to my mom and I told her that there will not be a graduation if [his wife] comes. I then listed a bunch of shit she did over the past few months (oldest was November 2025), and my mom was shocked. One of those things was her trying to turn my Dad against me because "I don't tell him my school grades", the reason I don't is because he goes and runs to her and tells her everything. My mom sided with me, ultimately.

Two weeks after the post, I was in the supermarket with my Dad and he told me to do a favor for him. "Invite your step mom". Initially I told him I wished I could, but there wasn't enough tickets. He then told me no problem, I'll call [his uncle] and tell him to not come. He was really willing to not have his brother come just to appease his wife.

I told him no. There's not enough tickets, and that it'd be very inappropriate for her to be there with my grandma and mother attending. He told me that I'd be making him a huge problem, and that he might not be able to come. So I told him, "good riddance, now you're making it so I can be able to invite my friends who weren't gonna be able to come." Then he secretly went to my brother and started getting mad at his wife saying that she's causing him problems and he's sick of her and what not.

After I got home, he started talking badly about my mom and her family saying that he's paying for the tickets ($200) and that they're coming on his pay. He then started insulting my mother's brother, and my grandma saying how they're coming on his pay and how he doesn't like them. So I immediately went to the bathroom and messaged my mom to pay the tickets. To which she did. To which he was at shock.

Then he started saying how upset his wife would be and what not. I told him it's your job as your husband to tell her when you can't get something done for her. Not everything she asks is going to be possible, especially at my expense. He then started breaking and told me that his wife came to him and said: "why did [myself] not invite my to his graduation, when I want to make a large family gathering to celebrate him".

I told him then you're making a very big deal of nothing. She just asked a question, you could've said there's not enough tickets. You didn't need to talk to me about any of this. I then told him that he better tell his wife that whatever gathering she makes, I'm not attending.

Anyway, a couple of days later was my senior trip, so on the day before I called him and told him, that just to get the facts straight, I don't want your wife there. It's not my mom or grandma, it's the fact that I don't want her. He was kind of shocked at that, but then I was boarding the plane so I had to hung up.

I haven't seen his wife really since a couple of days before the original post, I saw her briefly in a funeral two weeks ago, to which I was very cold and distant. Going on, I'm not going to their house, and I'll be cutting contact with her completely.

Yesterday was my graduation, and his wife didn't attend, but my Dad came. It was a lovely day where I was surrounded by people who love and respect me. Not people who try to force themselves into my life.

:)

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AITAH for wanting to go on a trip when my bf is uncomfortable with it?

Originally posted to r/amiwrong & r/AITAH

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior, misogyny!<

Original Post  Feb 12, 2025

I (F, 27) have been with my boyfriend Richard (M, 39) for five years. We live together. We both work, we hardly ever argue, and we have a nice, quiet life.

When I was in university, I had a group of friends (both male and female) that I used to do a lot of activities with. We would go hiking, snowboarding, and traveling together. There was nothing romantic going on.

After graduation, a few of them moved away, and I met Richard, so we stopped hanging out. Recently, I got an email from one of my friends from that group who is organizing a reunion. I have been invited to join them on a trip to Whistler. We will be snowboarding, dining, sightseeing, and visiting Vancouver since they are renting a car. It is a three day trip.

Richard hates these people, so I knew he would say no if I asked him to join. I asked anyway, and as expected, he declined. I told him, No worries,since I anticipated his response, and I figured I would just go alone.

However, he got upset and said, “You are not in college anymore, and your partying days are over. You are not going on a ‘fuck trip’ with a bunch of drunk frat boys!” I showed him the email with the itinerary, but he rolled his eyes and said, “You are all going to end up drunk and fucking! Who are you kidding?” Then he asked if the guys were married and whether their wives were coming.

I told him I did not really know and that it did not matter. He responded, “You are not going, and that is the end of it.”

I feel so sad. I do not want to email my friends and say I cannot come, but I also do not want to make my boyfriend uncomfortable.

Am I an asshole for really wanting to go on this trip?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

invisiblizm

>He had the opportunity to come along. Has he alienated you from other friends and family?  Is your argument- free life purely because you always obey him?

OOP

>>He generally doesn’t like my friends. I hang out with them when he is not around , like when he travels for work. I’m LC with my family so we hardly ever see them but he is ok with my family .

Natenat04

>>>He isolates you from those you are closest to. This guy is a massive red flag! He doesn’t own you. Does he think so little of you that he just thinks you are going to be sleeping around? Does he regularly think you seek attention and validation from guys? If so, I’d bet it’s projection.

OOP

>>>>Yea that part bothered me. I think he feels threatened because the guys in our group are younger but why would you not trust me to act like a responsible adult ? Why would he think I would get drunk and sleep with them

~

janlep

> 1. He’s your boyfriend, not your master. He does not get to dictate where you go or what you do. > > 2. Implying that you plan to cheat on him is incredibly disrespectful. Unless you’ve cheated before, he has no reason to insult your morals like this. > > I wouldn’t stay with someone who spoke to me like this or attempted to control me like this. You aren’t wrong, and it’s time to plan your exit from this relationship.

OOP

>>I have never ever given him any reason to think like this ! I have never cheated on him! Ever

~

Jmovic

> A few questions > > 1. Will you be the only female at the reunion? If no, how many females? > > 2. Is there anyone in the friend group you have any history with (relationship/hook up)? > > 3. He called it a "fuck trip", have your past trips been just having fun and casual hook ups? > > Everyone in the comments will be quick to call him controlling or insecure, but most won't even stop to ask for context and get the full picture. I'm sure that dude whose wife cheated on him with her patients would have been called controlling and insecure if he didn't want his wife to go on that trip.

OOP

>> 1. no ! 3 girls, 4 guys if everyone shows up >> >> 2. none >> >> 3. never >> >> I did invite him to join us but he said no that’s why I said then I’ll go alone

Update  Feb 13, 2025 (Next Day)

I keep getting asked the same questions over and over in DMs or comments, so instead of repeating myself, here you go.

&#x200B;

1.  No, you can’t come on the trip instead of my boyfriend. Please stop DMing me about it. If you keep asking, I will block you.

&#x200B;

2.  Why hasn’t he proposed yet? Because he will do it when he’s ready. Right now, he’s focused on buying a bigger place.

&#x200B;

3.  Do I work, or does he pay for my expenses? I work, and we split house expenses 50/50. I pay half of his current mortgage. No, he is not my ATM, and I am paying for the trip myself.

&#x200B;

4.  No, he won’t be baby trapping me. I have an IUD, so he can’t mess with it. We’ve already discussed accidental pregnancy, and if it ever happens, I will terminate it. He is not ready for kids, and we will have them when we’re both ready. I’m not in a rush either.

&#x200B;

5.  Why does he hate my group of friends? He thinks they’re dumb and annoying. He came out for drinks with us once when we first met and said afterward that he couldn’t stand them. They’re very chatty and extroverted, while he is quiet, introverted, and hates loud noises.

&#x200B;

6.  Are other people bringing their spouses? I asked the organizer, and she confirmed that everyone is, except one girl and two single guys.

&#x200B;

7.  Is my boyfriend invited? Of course, but he said hard pass because three days with these annoying people would be torture for him. He told me, “You’re better than these loud idiots. You’ve matured. Why are you still hanging out with them?”

&#x200B;

8.  I texted him saying I wanted to talk, and he said, “If it’s about the trip, there’s nothing to talk about.” I replied, “No, it’s about us,” and he never responded. He hasn’t spoken to me since our argument.

&#x200B;

9.  Does my boyfriend have some infidelity trauma? I have no idea. He had a longterm ex before me who is now happily married. They broke up because she met someone else. I’m not sure if it was an affair or if she simply ended things with him to be with the new guy. That’s all I know.

&#x200B;

10.  Why am I low contact (LC) with my family? I’m LC with my parents because my dad never stands up for me when my mom verbally abuses me. One example was at their anniversary dinner when my mom made a toast in front of everyone about how they were blessed to have a wonderful son (my brother) and then pushed their luck by having me. She said, “We should have stopped while we were ahead!” When I confronted my dad, he dismissed it as a joke. Later, my mom doubled down, saying, “The truth hurts! You’ve been an underachieving disappointment your whole life.”

No other updates. I’ll talk to him later today. At this point, I’m more hurt that he assumed I would cheat. It’s not even about the trip anymore.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RSTA30

>Another question that should have been asked to begin with: Do you have a sexual history with any of these friends?

OOP

>>I don’t ! I only had one boyfriend before him. He broke up with me and moved away. I met Richard a few months later. I never ever hooked up with a friend or had a casual relationship with anyone.

Final update  Feb 14, 2025 (1 day after 1st update)

Richard and I talked last night. He broke up with me. I told him I was hurt that he assumed I’d cheat on him. He said he was disappointed that I didn’t respect his boundary and chose the trip instead. Then he hit me with, “I thought you were a mature, smart woman, but you are still a silly immature little girl.” Oh, and apparently, I’m not “wife material.”

He also said he wanted me out of his place ASAP and even threw in a snarky comment: “Technically, your name isn’t on the deed. You’re just a house guest. I could kick you out right now.” I was like, “Wow, after five years, you’re really kicking me out in a snowstorm?” ( we had over 30 cm of snow yesterday )

Luckily, my grandma is letting me stay with her until I find a new place. And when my mom finds out? Oh, she’s going to love this. More material to make fun of me.

And yeah, no trip for me. I have packing and apartment hunting to do instead.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

goofygoober2006

>You should still go on your trip.  Take out the valuable things to your grandma's then go back to get the rest when you're back

OOP

>>That’s what my grandma suggested but I’m too embarrassed and depressed to even thinking about going on the trip.. maybe next time

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WIBTA if I don't go to a Personal Mastery seminar my mom went to?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Cult recruitment!<

Original Post  Apr 11, 2024

I (25F) have my mom (63F) living with me in my apartment due to the people we used to live with (and then eventually she lived with) being horrible to her and treating her poorly both mentally and financially. It took me months to convince her to come live with me instead to better herself, but she finally did and has been happier since.

Awhile back, she was introduced to a 3 day weekend Personal Mastery seminar course. She was very interested in it and while I was skeptical, I said she should go if she wants. She did, and she ended up loving it, which was great and I was glad for her.

Every now and again, she brings up the seminar, talking about how she thinks it would help me and be good for me, etc. I have tried to keep an open mind, but I remain very skeptical of this whole thing as it's supposedly an interactive course that is meant to change your way of thinking about things. That being said, she's not allowed to tell anyone what actually happens at the seminar. No one is. It's part of the rule of the place. So me, being paranoid and skeptical as I've learned to be, doesn't trust it, and I've expressed this. My mom has been understanding of that fact.

Still though, she continues to bring it up now and again. A few days ago while shopping, we saw one of my mom's friends Julie (60s?F fake name) and they got to talking about the course which they have both gone to. They both really kept encouraging me to go and I expressed discomfort at that and they said they understood, and I could go when/if I'm ready. I thought it was finally over with.

Yesterday, my mom suddenly sprung on me that Julie has recieved an anonymous donation to sponsor someone to go to the seminar this weekend (it costs $995 to sign up) and Julie wanted to sponsor me. Julie's husband even offered to use his hotel points to get me a free room so I'd be able to go for totally free.

I felt so uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. I had a very long talk with my mom about how I feel extremely pressured to do this thing I really don't think I want to do and she seemed receptive and understanding, but now I feel like I'll be an asshole if I don't accept an extremely generous offer, despite the fact that I'm uncomfortable. My mom has given Julie's husband my number and he plans to call me and talk to me about the seminar and I really don't even want to have the conversation. I'm trying to have an open mind but I really don't like the idea at all. I feel very forced into this situation despite my mom saying I don't have to go.

So, WIBTA?

Edit because I forgot to add: friend opinions are insanely mixed. Some say I should go, some say I shouldn't, some say it would be good to get away, some say it feels fucked up they put me in this position, some say I'm an asshole if I don't go, I don't know anymore.

Edit 2: I know I literally just fucking posted this but Julie's husband just texted me sending me details on the hotel because he just used his points to book me a free fucking room. I'm literally gonna cry LOL.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Editors Note: in the comments someone links to a 7 year old post about a MLM/Cult

Quick-Possession-245

> https://www.reddit.com/r/antiMLM/comments/9h7bva/klemmer_associates_personal_mastery_what_fresh/ > > Looks like BS to me.....

OOP

>>WAIT THIS IS THE EXACT COURSE

A comment from that linked sub was shared by mauwsel

> Yeah, read this comment on there: "Sorry for the late response, I don't really frequent this sub. But it just so happened I got reminded of when I got convinced to go to a meeting of theirs a few years ago and thought I'd do a search here for fun to see if there was anything new about them. > > The wife of my family's pediatrician (who is ludicrously respected around town and still is) and a sort of family friend is some degree of coach for Klemmer and Associates and was asking my dad if he would be interested in a weeknight seminar. My dad, not knowing any better and being polite, said he would be out of town (true) but would see if I would be interested. I was in a less than good job at the time and was struggling in my career development. I said sure. Drs Wife calls me up to give me the sales pitch about how much the program has helped her and her family, yadda yadda. I figured what would be the harm in an evening seminar probably about leadership in the workplace, etiquette, your standard work/life improvement stuff. I paid twenty bucks and went. > > It was actually pretty well attended and in the ballroom of a hotel, I say about the ball park about 75 or so attendees. I even see some parents of friends of my siblings. It starts of pretty normal. Just says you standard things about self reflection, bettering yourself and this program can help you get there! It also goes into the whole life cycle of the program. This night was step one, then there was a couple of weekend conferences, then capping off with a week long training to finish the program, at which point you can become one of the coaches like Drs. Wife was. We do some icebreaker things. If i remember right, it was just introduce yourself to three people. Then they started talking about the line of books the company had for sale, and more of the same promises of what the program can do. My enthusiasm is starting to fade. > > Then the presenter said something along the lines of "So as we reach the end of the first hour, consider where you are now as we move into the next two hours of the introduction of our program" > > Strike one. It is a weeknight, I'm still in my work outfit. I'm not getting home at nine o'clock unless this is worth my time. I should add there was nothing in advance that said this seminar would be three hours long. Beneath the chair is a pamphlet about the program and attached is an order form. In very, very tiny print, I see that the cost of the full program, from tonight to the full week event would tally close to $16,000. I'm assuming (and frankly hoping) that includes lodging and meals but, still. > > But I'm the type of person that would sit through a presentation on the types of grass and their growing habits for three hours if it had good intentions. Plus I wanted to be polite, even though I was thoroughly convinced that this wasn't my bag. > > The tone of the speech turned slightly and asked you to examine yourself. What did you think were the problems in your life, are you doing anything to address them? >What are your hopes and aspirations? > > "Discuss your dreams with the person sitting next to you" > > I took one look at the middle aged lady sitting next to me, just kind of muttered out an "excuse me" and walked out. Not doing that. Somethings come up, I'm late for a thing that happens to not be in this building. Part of it was that I wasn't exactly in the best spot of my life and my dreams were being "reassessed" part of it was that I'm sure as hell not discussing that with stranger. > > With that wound picked at, I left feeling kind of miserable, out a perfectly good $20 and with no new skills to boot. I did some homework later on the company and found that this is how their whole system works. Hour 1 is the introduction, hour 2 you reflect on everything wrong with your life, hour 3 is a taste of how you, through their magical program, can fix it. Worse still, some sources I was reading up on encourage their program in place of legitimate therapy treatments. So answer your question, there's no physical product. It's about being coached and then turning around and coaching others, which compared to MLM standards might be even worse in comparison. Might there be some legitimate ideas in there? Sure, but where I work now will send you to professional development things at your request, will in some cases cover the costs and even pay your normal wage while you attend. Those programs probably teach those same lessons without three hours of tear down/buildup. > > Oh well, live and learn. Everyone steps into an amway meeting at some point. But my outright irritation at this "company" came later. > > Wife of Dr. shoots me a quick message saying that she was sorry I couldn't stay for the full program and that she would leave a free copy of my book in my mailbox. All right, fine. It shows up in my mailbox and I never touch it. I get call a few weeks later from another coach rep (Which as an aside, I was working in the legal field and Klemmer and Associates sounds exactly like 75% of the places I was applying for jobs at, which is why I didn't immediately hang up). wanting to touch base because I had attended their seminar. I kind of listened planning on letting her down gently when she said: > > "Wife of Dr said you loved the free book though" > > Ok, nope. Do not put words in my mouth. I'm obviously heated and say "Actually I did not enjoy the book and do not contact me further" > > She apologizes and hangs up. Drs Wife texts me (what timing!) saying that she was "misinformed" and that I would be removed from their list. I ask that any family members of mine that have been added to their information be removed as well. A few months later I get a similar sales esque phone call. So I've clearly been lied to. I got nasty on the phone (Which I emphasize, never happens) and I haven't heard anything sense. > > So put it simply, these guys are hacks. If you want to be a better person, there are so many great ways you can do that for free. I feel good volunteering for instance. On the other hand, If you need therapy, go get some therapy. > > They aren't talked about much online, but these guys are at best way too expensive life coaches and have drunken too much of their own kool aid for their own good. At worst, they are preying on vulnerable people for many thousands of dollars." > > I'd say scam/mlm/preying on the vulnerable.  Don't go unless you actually want to join this. There are many better, healthier and cheaper ways of gaining "personal mastery" 

OOP

>>Thank you for this looks like mom and I are gonna have a very very long and extensive talk when I get home, this is by far the worst scam she has fallen for, I cannot believe I haven't looked into this sooner.

~

Silent_Coffee_7292

>OP go and watch The Vow on HBO now! And make your mom watch it with you. It will open your whole world to how horrible these places truly can be.

Update  July 22, 2024 (3 months later)

My update wasn't approved in r/AmItheAsshole from a few months ago, and I wanted to share it here instead.

Here's what I originally put in the update that wasn't approved:

In my previous post, I detailed how my mom went to a Personal Mastery course, and she wanted me to do the same. More details on that here.

I went home and had a long talk with my mom. She was very resistant at first, but ultimately settled down and just listened. She asked a few questions here and there, and I answered to the best of my ability. I explained everything and laid it out on the table. I shared the testimonials I could find from real people who described exactly what happened during those seminars and how screwed over they got by it. She couldn't believe it, she started to cry. She felt upset and betrayed, and she asked me "how could she be so stupid". I had to calmly explain to her that she wasn't stupid, that she was preyed upon by people she could trust while she was in a vulnerable state.

She seemed to understand after I explained how they almost did the same to me while I was also in a vulnerable state. More talking and I come to find out the people that turned her on to the idea of going to the seminar herself before we're Julie and her husband. I described to her in vivid detail how they would go about this, how they would start with saying how it changed their life.. then have someone call you, then have someone pitch it to you over the phone... until you finally caved and spent a grand and went. Her jaw seemed to drop to the floor, because that was what she experienced.

After talking for awhile I later learned that Julie and her husband were BEGGING my mom to come on Sunday of the weekend I was supposed to go. After digging into this more, I think they may have been planning to start trying to bring her into the side of pulling people into the cult-like organization. She didn't go, but didn't want to believe that Julie and her husband were a part of this, and wanted to believe they were good people who didn't really know what they were doing. I was once again skeptical but I told her they are not my friends and I will allow her to handle it accordingly. She understood, and while not revealing that she knew it was a scam, has since tried to text or call Julie. She never returns her calls or texts. She's ghosted my mom. I think that was one of the bigger nails in the coffin for her.

u/Silent_Coffee_7292 had pointed out a show by the name of "The Vow" on HBO. They explained how it was a documentary of a similar sounding cult and that it may be worth making her sit down and watch it. After our long talk, I made her watch. She stared at the screen in horror for the first episode I watched with her. She told me in a trembling voice that this was the exact seminar she'd gone to, just with a few small details changed. That documentary details another company that in the end it was revealed to be a sex cult. It opened my mother's eyes and mine.

So that's what happened. My mom accidentally fell for a MLM cult and was betrayed by her friends and almost betrayed me while she was at it.

Julie and her husband never contacted her and I again. Mom still thinks about it sometimes, but I noticed the things she had from her "exercises" from the seminar that she used to hang on her wall are missing. I feel bad for her but I'm just glad I got her out of there when I did.

I hope this was a satisfying update. Thank you to all the redditors from my first post who helped me find out that Klemmer & Associates was an awful scam and helped me break my mother away from this awful thing. I appreciate you immensely. Thank you.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/verysadrightnow1234

I (23f) saw a facebook chat between my BF (23M) and his brother (27ishM) that was very cruel about my appearance. I just don't know what to do because it REALLY hurts.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming!<

Original Post  June 27, 2016

I will try to make this is as short as possible. I'm taking summer courses and my laptop just broke. I asked my BF (Andy) to borrow his overnight so I could finish a paper. He gladly said yes. As I was procrastinating with reddit in one window the tab at the top started indicating that there was a new Facebook message. Not even realizing that actually Andy was logged into facebook I clicked on the tab, instantly realized that ooops this wasn't mine when I saw the message was from his brother. I didn't cut and paste but basically the message said "Dude, where's horse teeth at? You're up late?!?" (I have terrible teeth, yes, not a secret, so obviously this was about me).

I did not answer but my curiosity got the better of me and I scrolled through their conversation. While there were lots of positive things Andy said about me (she's amazing, she's very fun, I would never cheat on her no matter what [brother was pitching pretty hard to have Andy hook up with a girl from his work], lots of compliments about my rock climbing), he also said called me things like "NoBoobs McGee,""Rat's nest hair" and "avocado nose." He also went through a long conversation sort of at his brothers urging that I am far from the prettiest girl he's ever dated and sometimes he misses the dumb, big boobed types he dated in high school.

Here's the thing, I know I'm not the best looking girl. I wish I was but I've come to terms with my appearance...well at least I thought I had until last night. But I REALLY love Andy. It's not like a first love, puppy dog thing either because I've had boyfriends and been in love before and this is very different.

I don't know if I should or even could get over this...but I want to because nothing he said was untrue (I have no boobs, my nose is too big for my face and I spend all my spare time outside so my hair is a mess most of the time) and it was a private conversation I was never supposed to see. But it still hurts that Andy does not see me as even attractive compared to his other girlfriends.

How do I approach this? Or even should I? I know he would feel horrible if he found I knew about this...I don't want that. But I feel like I need to clear the air somehow...should I?

   tl;dr: I saw my BFs private Facebook conversation with his brother that included some very mean and negative things about my appearance. I'm not sure how to proceed.

TOP COMMENTS

surethatsme

>A decent guy would defend his girlfriend and not engage in tearing her down behind her back.  If you want a discussion with him then have one, but I don't think it's wrong of you to feel like this isn't something you want to get over.  And don't defend him by saying it's true.  We all have imperfections, and it is ok for people to comment on them, but this isn't that.  This is cruel.

~

laniferous

>I have to say, I'd never be able to stop hearing those words in my head, no matter how much he reassured me. I know it was a private conversation, but when I am  in love with someone, their flaws almost disappear.  That he talks about you that way is very telling. Personally, I'd find a new boyfriend.

~

abcdefghijlm

>Tell him that noboobs Mcgee is taking her rats nest hair and avocado nose and peacing out to find someone who actually treats her with the respect she deserves.

OOP Updated the Next Day - June 28, 2016/Same Post

Edit: took most of the advice here and broke up with Andy. I can't even see strait I'm so broken hearted and crying so hard. He was very apologetic and said he didn't mean any of it but to the person who said "can't unring a bell" is what kept going through my head. I can't even begin to describe how sad I am rights now. I always kept my fair Distance from guys...keeping school, climbing (I'm a semi-pro outdoor sport climber) and my community garden as a comfortable pad between getting hurt too bad. But I am smitten with Andy, everything about me and my self protective side I turned off because my heart skips a beat when he's around me. I'm crushed, I'm broken over this. I know things will be better in time but Mein Gott...I'm sick right now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ColdButton

Me [22F] with [20M] of 1 year, I am at my wits end of his relationship with this certain video game.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Verbal abuse!<

Original Post  Feb 23, 2018

Using a throwaway as he knows my main.

He is very competitive and always feels the need to win and be the best. This game absolutely feeds into it and brings another side of himself out. I stopped playing this game with him and have encouraged him to find other teammates to play with but he still loves talking to me when he is playing. It is fine most of the time when the game is going well but I dread & pray anytime when the game goes downhill. I try to encourage/motivate him when this happens e.g. it is still early, play safe for now, you are doing really well, you can't win them all, next game will be better etc but if I happen to say something that he takes the wrong way then rip me. I get upset and then things just get more heated between us and we argue.

I've spoken to him about it on number of occasions, he realizes it is an issue and will be good for a while but then it happens again. I've tried to stay neutral, encouraged him to play and talk with his teammates instead and last night I absolutely lost it. I adore him but I cannot stand sitting there when he is playing and the game is going bad. It is a very uncomfortable situation to be put in. So I told him straight up impulsively that I will not sit through another game feeling like shit while he takes his bad game on me and if he wants to play this game, do not talk to me and when he is finished, I will be around. He told me I was being ridiculous and far too emotional about the whole situation and I should be logical. Has anyone dealt with something similar and can offer some advice? Should I be more supportive?

    ---     tl;dr: Bf loves talking to me while gaming but when he is having a bad game I feel he takes it out on me. We both end up upset and argue. So I told him that I will not sit through another game feeling like shit while he takes his bad game on me and if he wants to play this game, do not talk to me and come back when he is finished. Has anyone dealt with something similar and can offer some advice? Should I be more supportive?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Entertainmentguru

>How many hours is he playing a day?

OOP

>>Average around 5-7 hours.

Entertainmentguru

>>> Let's say it is 3 days a week (although I suspect it is more).  >>> >>> Does he work?  >>> >>> Does he take you out?  >>> >>> As others said, it doesn't matter, if he is that too much into a game and takes it out on you, he has issues. >>> >>> Dump him. It could lead to worse things. 

OOP

>>>>He works part-time, we do play other games together with no issues but he spends a lot of his time on this one.

Update  June 13, 2018 (4 months later)

As many commentators guessed in my previous post, yes the game was League of Legends. This chapter in my life has come to an end therefore I wanted to post an update of what went down since then but also to thank everyone last time for the advice but also as a reminder to myself of how stupid I was.

I quit playing the game altogether shortly after and each time he played I excused myself. He soon stopped playing as well and we later pursued other multiplayer games together. Although we talked about the issue, it was never fully resolved as he did not believe the game affected him that way and every time I brought it up he brushed it away or feigned ignorance that he does not remember acting that way. Throughout March, Apr and May, we hardly talked or mentioned the game. Each time it was brought up he stated the game was good and fun but the community was toxic (Ha ha ha). By the end of May, we’ve run our course of multiple video games and my friends are asking me to come back to League. I started playing casually again once a week or so with just my friends.

Last week his interest in the game peaked and we talked about the game several times. He mentions he wants to try it again but he knows I won’t talk to him while he plays. In my moment of weakness and remembering the fun days we had when we first met each other on this game, I decided to give him another chance suggesting to play together again. After playing and losing a bunch, things began to turn sour and his negativity seeped through. When I apologised to a friend about the bad game he accused me that I was talking shit behind his back, he called me a liar, and he said he couldn’t stand me anymore or any of this. He threatened to cancel our upcoming trip happening in a few weeks. Once again, I felt as if walking on eggshells again with a paranoid distressed feeling on the verge of a breakdown.  Eventually things did calm down after I apologised however last night I finally gave up. He abruptly left whilst we were in a bad game with another friend, and although I knew he was more than upset, I wanted to forfeit this game quickly, let him calm down, talk to him after and move on. He did not take this well, he told me he was unbooking as I don’t care about him etc. All I replied was “sorry to hear that”. He then said I have one minute before he unbooks, I explain my actions and tell him that he can unbook. He is really angry at this point, tells me he will not deal with this and that I am using him for sex (what?!) and good luck. He calls and says he has deleted everything then hangs up. At this point I am somewhat relieved, it is over isn’t it? Nope, he messages me saying how could I turn from caring, sweet and nice to someone he despises because I don’t care or give a fuck. Proceeds to give me advice on future dating to show that I care and asks if I understand. I don’t reply and he proceeds to write “doesn’t even have the decency to answer”. What a rollercoaster of a ride. I’ll be losing 150 euros due to the unbooking but that’s the price to pay for being stupid.

> It’s not because I don’t care but we’ve done this too many times that it is becoming silly to care. I felt I was always the one doing the apologising and making amends, scrambling behind you to pick up the pieces. I even began to doubt myself, question my version of events and make excuses for your actions. When you started threatening me each time, I felt powerless, paranoid and scared. So this time I will stop fighting for this so called relationship and let you have your way. If only you knew how much love I have for you and how much you truly mean to me but no, you refuse to listen or believe because you see me agreeing as the fact that I do not care.

These are the things I want to tell him but I cannot and will not open that connection because I love him stupidly still. Breaking up isn’t easy because for nearly 1 year and half, we were inseparable and shared every single day of our life together. However with this throbbing pain in my chest and heartache, I am now ready to close this chapter. I still genuinely hope the best for him.

Tl;dr: He never changed, lashed out at me, I had enough and we broke up.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cinnapear

> What a child.  Cancelling a trip because of a game? > > You're well rid of him.  Stay strong and continue to block/ignore.

VFOF

>>He didn't want to cancel, he wanted her to beg him to stay with and and go on the trip. LOL, OP handled that perfectly. Now she needs to just block him everywhere.

OOP

>>>This is exactly how I felt and it breaks my heart to think he wanted to manipulate me in this way. He thought he had the upper hand because he knew how committed I was to him and the trip but please don't treat me like a fool. At that moment I realised, if he so carelessly threaten me then this is not the person I want to commit to.

~

magusg

>Narc AF. Has ever admitted or accepted he was wrong about anything at all?

OOP

>> Sadly I felt these times only occurred when I have already apologised, he could never be in the wrong. Your question reminded me his precise words "I don't care, that's not relevant" when I asked him to listen to my point of view one time. >> >> It really shows how much I just blindly loved him and saw him only through rose tinted lenses.

---

14/06/2018 edit: Thank you very much for listening and all the encouraging advice I have received. I have read each and every comment when I woke up this morning. I actually slept well last night without a heavy heart unlike the previous night where I tossed and turned with my mind fully awake throughout the night. His behaviours and actions were not a sudden thing, it was gradual and it slowly seeped through like an overwhelming stench that got impossible to ignore. I hope anyone who questions if they are in a similar situation or has similar overtones in their own relationship to please address them as soon as possible and not wait for change. This relationship managed to take a toll on me, it distorted my own logic and I questioned my own judgement to the point that I was second guessing myself so please anyone in this situation, treat yourself better and get out. I am going to see if I can alter my part of the booking to another destination. Thanks again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/weddingbummeryo

Me [29F] with my longtime friends [29M/25F], I did a huge favor for them and I feel very unappreciated

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Exploitation!<

Original Post  June 6, 2016

I've known Adam (29M) since the 6th grade and I met his now wife Sara (25F) when they started dating a few years ago. Sara and I clicked immediately and became very good friends, she's sweet and has an infectious energy. Adam can be kind of a dick but he's one of those old friends that you make excuses for, and he can be very kind at times, of course. I care about both of them very much.

Last year Adam proposed to Sara and they decided on a wedding in a friend-of-a-friend's back yard. This type of wedding can be cheaper but it requires a lot of organization (because every single element has to be rented and set up) and for people who have never planned an event like this, they were in over their heads almost immediately.

My Fiance and I moved to a new city about 8 hours away shortly after their engagement and I now work full time as a wedding planner and a day-of coordinator. At the risk of sounding boastful (and strictly for context), I love my job and I am very good at it. I am highly requested, well reviewed, well paid, and I run about 10 weddings a month. So when Sara called me in tears a couple of months ago because she was so overwhelmed and had no idea how her wedding day would run, of course I told her not to worry about it and that I would coordinate for her. Why wouldn't I? I mean she would do the same for me, right?

Thursday morning, after driving 8 hours, I call and text Sara asking when and where I can help. She answers hours later saying to not bother showing up until just before the bachelor/bachelorette party. When I got there she and two of her bridesmaids were taking bong hits and chatting. So her maid of honor (MOH) and I prepared wedding desserts in the kitchen while Sara tended to her friends (one of which was on an horrific acid trip).

Friday was set up day and the mother of the bride (MOB) literally brought a mobile home full of decor, with no plan of where anything would go. I have never seen so much decor for a wedding (and that is saying something). At the rehearsal dinner Sara ended up screaming at Adam in front of their families and bridal party about a perceived slight and I had to play counselor for them.

On the wedding day everyone got there early to set up. It was another long, stressful day of delegating and organizing but I got it done. It looked gorgeous. One of the prettiest weddings I've ever done. I ran the ceremony, sprinted up hills to control the iPod, set up cocktail hour, moved all the seats from ceremony to reception, hooked up all of the lights, poured the champagne for toasts, sent tables one at a time to be served by the food truck, everything. Honestly, I felt like Superman. I did an awesome job. Three couples asked for my rates because they wanted me to run their weddings and complete strangers gave me such sweet compliments about my professionalism. I was (and am) so proud of how it turned out and grateful for (most of) the bridal party who worked so hard and took my directions without a second thought.

I am used to Bridezillas and I always let their attitudes roll off my back. Weddings are stressful and I don't like to judge people based on a stressful event. But I wasn't expecting to be treated so shitty by Sara, who had always been so sweet to me.

She stormed up to me several times during the reception to bark orders at me or demanding to know when things were happening (sometimes as I was literally instructing someone to do that very thing). She would roll her eyes at me and was very condescending. She held up her own wedding ceremony because she was convinced I was stupid enough to give the bartender the wrong cups and needed to check herself. She never said thank you (until I was leaving at the end of the night). I didn't feel like a friend; I felt like an employee, and not a respected one at that. Other people noticed how she treated me. The Best Man is one of my oldest friends and he wanted to march up to Sara and demand she apologize to me during the reception but I asked him not to because I didn't want to start drama at her wedding. Apparently she and Adam have been getting nastier to everyone over the past 6 months. Eventually I just shut down and went into work mode. I didn't eat for about 15 hours, I have blisters on most of my toes and ran about 13 miles around that event and she treated me like a lazy piece of crap. She was probably the worst bride I've worked with (and again, that's saying something).

Adam (shockingly) was actually very appreciative most of the day until I was leaving. The last thing he said to me was, "I love you so much, we couldn't have done this without you, it was perfect! Except you fucked up that [inconsequential thing that no one noticed] HAHAH."

We drove home yesterday and honestly, I feel like I lost two of my best friends. Fiancé (who was by my side the whole time and the most helpful person during set up godilovehimsoeffingmuch) is livid. He is so pissed that I did such a huge favor for them and they treated me like that. He doesn't want them invited to our wedding and I see his point but I don't want to make a decision until the whole thing calms down a bit. The MOH is equally pissed and texted me the next day to say she also felt taken for granted by Sara. Sara and Adam are on their honeymoon for the week right now and I kind of don't want to talk to them yet.

So I come to you, good redditors. Should I say anything? Wait until they contact me? Wait until Best Man rips them a new a-hole? Wait for an apology and then reassess their invitation to my wedding?

tl;dr: I am a wedding coordinator and ran my good friends's wedding. They treated me like crap the whole time. I don't know if I can see them in the same way ever again and my fiancé doesn't want them at our wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

throwawayheyheyhey08

> Wait until they contact you and let them know you are disappointed with how they treated you.  > > Reiterate that you were glad to help!  But that their behavior and conduct left you feeling (however you felt leaving that encounter - upset, frustrated, angry).  Also tell them you're taking a breather and will reach out when you're ready to work on your friendship.  > > Then do that.  Give it some time and space.  If they apologize, consider that apology and accept it if you can.  I have a gut feeling that they will probably deny and minimize their poor behavior which, if they do, drop them.  > > You've worked with enough brides to know what is day-of frustration and panic, and what is being a straight-up dick.  What you outline sounds like dickery. 

OOP

>> I truly was glad to help and even now I think I would've done the same thing. It probably would've been a shit show if I hadn't been there. I couldn't sleep at night if I had showed up on Saturday and watched a train wreck knowing I could've helped. You're right, Sara's behavior was dickish. >> >> Thank you for your advice, I'll cool off and see if they reach out at all :)

~

RuhWalde

> If you do decide to end the friendship, I think you should make it very clear to both of them exactly why you are cutting contact.  Sara deserves to know how badly she fucked up.  > > I would cut Adam some slack about that one comment though.  I realize that his parting comment felt like a slap in the face after all the abuse from Sara, but he probably didn't mean much by it, and it would have slid off your back if things had been different throughout the day.

OOP

>>You're right. Adam hadn't seen most of Sara's attitude and he probably wouldn't have said it if he'd have known how bummed I was.  Thank you!

OscarWildeify

>>>I read his comment as "You did a fantastic job, we both know it, it's so obvious I don't need to say it since the worst thing that happened was [insignificant detail he mentioned]" in a$$hole language. It was a compliment but he was fvcking with you.

Update  Oct 4, 2016 (4 months later)

Hi, everyone! Thanks for all of the advice on my previous post! I love me an update so here's mine-

So Sara and Adam's wedding happened in early June. I decided that if I hadn't heard anything by October 1st I would email Sara and confront her about her behavior. I wanted to give it a little time so that everyone could cool down, plus I've been absolutely swamped with wedding season at work, so I thought 4 months would give her a very gracious amount of time to think things over.

Well lots of stuff has happened, none of which were apologies.

I never received a thank you note, a call, a text, anything. Sara's Maid of Honor actually confronted her about her behavior towards her and I and others in August. Sara said, "Oh really? I thought I said thank you, I didn't realize I was acting badly." So she was informed that she was out of line but took no steps to actually make things right.

The only time Sara tried to contact me since the wedding was in August when, unfortunately, my fiancé's sister passed away. It was sudden and shitty and we're heartbroken that she won't be at our own wedding. Sara texted me about a week after she passed saying, "I just realized I haven't talked to you since the wedding, I'm sorry about [fiancé's] sister! If you need to vent let me know." Not sure why she texted me and not fiancé, but whatever, I said thanks and didn't respond further because I wanted to focus on fiancé and his family.

Adam's Best Man called me last week. Adam and Sara are divorcing.

Apparently things started going downhill immediately following the wedding; more fighting, not sleeping in the same bed, etc. Then Sara lost her job. Then they decided to get a puppy. Then a few weeks ago Sara confronted Adam basically saying, "I feel like you proposed under pressure and then when everyone told you it was a mistake you doubled down even though it seems clear you don't want to be married to me." And Adam basically agreed. And honestly, everyone had tried to tell both of them that this was a bad idea. We really tried. But they were having none of it. They just thought that relationship milestones (moving in together, engagement, marriage, puppies) would be good bandaids for their problems.

So Sara moved back to her home state to live with her parents. Their families are livid. Their bridal parties and wedding guests are upset too (obviously none of the wedding gifts were returned).

It sucks and I'm sad for them because breakups and divorces aren't fun. But I'm sure it'll be better for both of them in the long run. I had a short text conversation with Adam and he seems as ok as can be expected. Seems like my question of whether they should be invited to my and fiancé's wedding has worked itself out.

Thanks again for all of the advice, even though I didn't get to actually use any of it :)

tl;dr- Sara never apologized for her behavior. She and Adam are getting divorced after a few months of marriage.

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I (21F) found a spy camera in my room after my step dad (36M) put a surveillance camera in my window

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & OOP's own page

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Predatory and abusive behavior!<

Original Post June 17, 2023

My stepdad (36M) installed a surveillance camera positioned outside of my window to scan our backyard while him and my mother and two younger brothers go camping. I couldn’t go on the trip since i had work, so i was staying home to house sit and feed our animals. My stepdad recently put up new cameras outside so I didn’t see anything wrong with him positioning one outside my window. Come to find out the very next day, I had my boyfriend stay over and he found that the surveillance camera that was ran from outside my window and into my room was being powered by one of those spy camera power blocks.

For context, my relationship with my stepdad hasn’t always been the best and we tend to butt heads a lot. He’s said a lot of questionable things in the past that i’ve written off because he’s my dad and i would never think he intended to be inappropriate or harmful. He’s been in my life since i was 8 years old. Of course I’m second guessing everything now that i’ve found this camera. It was positioned to point directly at my bedroom door from the far wall, so it has direct view of my entire room, which i change in.

I tried desperately to rationalize it and think it was maybe a mistake, like he grabbed the wrong charger box. Or maybe he was just trying to look for intruders. But really there is no excuse for putting a camera in MY bedroom. the camera even had an SD card in it. I’m beyond devastated. My stepdad even suggested i invite my boyfriend over to while they’re gone so i have someone here, which is something he would never do considering he’s made it clear before he doesn’t want him over when no one is home because he doesn’t want us ‘fucking in his home’. My boyfriend and I are going to go through the SD card to see if there is anything on it.

I’m at a complete loss at how to even bring this up to my mom. I confided in my aunt and uncle since they live close by and they have been very supportive of me having a conversation with my mom about it. This whole situation is extremely upsetting, I at least have some family to support me as i navigate this but i don’t even know how to bring this up to my mom. This is obviously going to change everything. She had my five year old half brother with him.

My mind is racing with the consequences this is going to have on our family. Has anyone that has been in a similar situation have advice? How can i do this without causing extreme damage to the family (although that may be impossible). Thank you in advance.

TLDR; i found a hidden camera that my stepdad put in my room, how do i bring this up to my mom?

UPDATE(1/?):

I don’t want to make a whole new thread since i want to make a new update when my parents get back monday, but i want to thank everyone for all the advice. i went to the police station tonight and filed a police report and turned in the spy camera with the SD card. The officer said this is a serious offense and i will likely get a call early next week from an investigator due to the severity of the situation. I’m planning on telling my mother about the police report after we have a conversation about this on monday, with my aunt and uncle present.

As for people messaging me about my profile: thank you for reminding me to delete personal information. Please please do not dox or try to seek any sort of justice for me as this may affect my case. Respect my privacy during this time please as it may be crucial during this investigation.

This was the hardest thing i ever had to do, but whatever this shit was, it’s ending with me. I hope i can get justice for myself and any other victims who may have been violated by him since this will be heavily investigated and the officer said it will likely be looked into further (such as search warrants and looking for more SD cards). i’m hanging on by a thread but the support i have is what’s keeping me together. i’m staying with my boyfriend tonight to keep out of the house. Thanks again for all the love and supportive messages. I’ll update again soon.

UPDATE (2/?)

it’s the next morning and once my boyfriend wakes up we’re going back to my house today to look for any more secret cameras (either in the bathroom or my brothers rooms) so i can submit it for more evidence. i’m iffy about searching my parents room for more evidence as it’s likely he has a hidden camera in there to see me do it. still on the fence about having a police officer search the house, if i do i’ll be sure to update after i’m finished and in a safe place. my aunt has offered to come with me to help me search.

again, thank you everyone for the support. i’m trying as best i can to do this the right way and get as much done with the time i have left. i’m mentally and emotionally drained but i’ll be seeking resources once all of this is said and done. i’m reading everyone’s comments so i’m taking all the advice i can get.

UPDATE (3/?)

i probably won’t be able to update for a few days since today is the day that i talk to my mom, but i just wanted to share the plan i made and hopes for what happens today.

after talking with my aunt, uncle, boyfriend, and my cousin who is a civil lawyer, i’ve decided that i will speak to my mom in a separate location from my stepdad. most likely i’ll have her meet me somewhere outside of our home. i’ll have my aunt with me and this is where i’ll explain everything to her: the camera, past uncomfortable experiences i’ve had with my stepdad that i originally brushed off because he was my dad, video footage of him deliberately setting it up and angling it, and footage of me in my room. im praying she understands why i had to go to my aunt instead of her considering she was not in town and i was worried for her safety if i told her what happened. (she was stuck with him and my brothers about 4 hours away for the weekend)

i’m hoping with my aunt there and her being away from my stepdad that it’ll prevent her from reacting out of anger and search for him and escalate the situation then and there, and i hope my aunt can provide some support for myself and her. i’m prepared for her to go through the same processes i went through such as reasoning and denial, but with the evidence there’s no possible way she can deny it. i’m preparing myself for the worst. i just hope that i can be strong for her and support her as this all hits her like it did me.

i will not be returning home or facing him today. my boyfriend will be on standby to pick up my brothers if needed since my aunt has offered for them to stay with us so my mom can talk to my stepdad without them there. i’ll ask my mom to meet me and of course, not tell my stepdad about the circumstances. maybe she can tell him she’s going to the grocery store. i don’t want him getting any hints that she could be meeting with me.

i know i’ve said it a lot but i truly do appreciate the support system i have not only with my family but here too. this has been a nightmare but hearing everyone’s stories about this, proving it’s way too common, is what is helping me get through this and pushing me to do the right thing. not only am i a victim in this but my boyfriend as well and god knows who else. the confrontation won’t happen for about another 7 hours so i’m the meantime i’ll be reading over comments and preparing myself for what comes today. thank you guys.

Update June 22, 2023 (5 days later)

Update to my situation

UPDATE (4/?)

i’m not sure why, but i can’t figure out why my post on r/relationship_advice is unable to be edited, but i’m sure a lot of you will find it here, so here’s somewhat of an update.

hi guys, i know a lot of people have been waiting for an update on what happened and about my safety. For the reasons that my post is becoming somewhat viral and showing up on other platforms, i don’t think i can share many other details until this ball starts rolling with the police report. just know that i am safe and i have been very busy the past few days with apartment hunting, working, and attempting to heal. most of you may have guessed it, but my stepdad got to my mom before i was able to. you can kind of assume how that’s been going ): .

i promise that once the investigation actually starts and my mom finds out about it, i’ll be here sharing more of what happened. i don’t want to remove my post in case someone else may be going through the same thing and needs the support of you guys, as shown in my comments. i appreciate everyone rooting for me and i’m sorry to say that my mother isn’t on my side right now. i’ve more so been focusing on myself since the conversation and trying to make the most of the situation. on the bright side, i’ve been able to hang out with my cousin and she helps keep my mind off things. i’m doing my best and will update when it feels like the right time. thank you guys.

Update 5 June 18, 2024 (1 year later)

It’s been awhile

I never would have thought that my post from a little over a year ago would reach so many people and I’m so thankful for all the support Reddit has given me. First, I apologize for taking awhile to update and I’m sorry in advance if this isn’t the update you were hoping/waiting for so long, but here it is and I’ll answer some questions a lot of you might have to the best of my ability.

A lot of you probably want to hear that my boyfriend and I got justice for what my mother’s husband did to us. I really really wish I could say we did, but given our shitty police system and outside factors, we have not.

I keep contact with my brothers and mom, but contact is now severely limited because of the situation. It pains me to not be able to see my younger brothers like I used to but honestly it isn’t my choice and I’ve come to accept it. My mother is still with him and continuing to isolate herself from family (whether that’s because of her husband or her own shame I’m not sure, maybe both).

I know a lot of you were rooting for me and wishing me nothing but the best, so I’ll give some updates on my personal growth. My boyfriend and I moved in together, I graduated nursing school, and I started my new job last month. We have been trying to heal from what happened and have been growing our relationship. We’re planning a trip together soon.

Im still surrounded by some amazing friends and family (aunt and uncle) who have been our rocks through this and helped us cope with everything. I’m at a place where I feel I can finally talk about everything again, so I’ll do my best to answer some questions. Thanks again to everyone who reached out concerned for me. Even the weird ones who tried creating lore for me and theorizing my entire life (yall are really strange but again it’s Reddit so whatever).

Edit: I just wanted to add that I’ve seen all the TikTok’s and YouTube videos of people covering my story and let me just say how weird it was to see my real life situation on blast like that. Please remember I am a human being going through something extremely traumatizing so keep that in mind when commenting/reaching out to me♥️ I’ve received more love than anything and I can’t thank you guys enough for the overwhelming support.

Update 6 Dec 27, 2025

my stepdad put a secret camera in my room and I was to blame for being secretive and having my boyfriend over (when my stepdad lied and told my mom he strictly said he couldn’t be over, which he literally gave me permission to have him over as they were going out of town and I would be home alone). it recorded us being intimate and was streaming directly to his phone. I regret not following through with the police report but was made to feel guilty (my mom held my college fund over my head so I couldn’t report it). to this day everyone in my family accepts him and doesn’t see an issue with it. I’m no contact with him and low contact with my mom but during the time when we found the camera my mom ignored me for an entire week while my entire world crashed around me. no calls to make sure I was ok (I immediately packed my things and stayed with another relative, who now maintains contact with my mom and stepdad), no texts to check in on how I was doing mentally. still avoids the conversation to this day. She goes to church now and ‘prays’ I will heal and come back around. im engaged now to boyfriend and she has no clue she won’t be invited to my wedding. planning on moving across the country to cut contact with her and my siblings, who also are brainwashed and support my stepdad. If I could go back in time I’d have followed through with the police report and pressed charges. I’m not as scared or naive as I was back then and sure as hell not as tolerant to those behaviors now. I trust a lot less and protect my peace a little more now.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/myfavouritecustomer

My sister [18] wrecked a bunch of my games because I didn't really go to her party, and now my [17] parents are refusing to make her pay.

Original Post  Aug 1, 2015

Long story, I'll try to keep it short.  edit: I'm 17 male, forgot to mention that in title.

My sister, we'll call her PA (Primary Antagonist), for the purposes of this story.  A couple of days ago, she had a birthday party, she was turning 18.  It was a pretty big party at our home, and lots of her friends and relatives were invited.

PA has told me about her upcoming party for a while, she's been excited about turning 18 all year.   Anyway, I'm not really one for parties, I don't look forward to them nor do I enjoy them.  There were a bunch of her friends and mates there, whom I don't particularly like, as well as relatives whom I don't particularly like either.

I came out for cake and to say hi and greet people, but that was about it.  I spent most of my time in my room playing games on my ps4.

The whole time she kept popping in, asking when I was going to go join the party, I kept telling her I'll be there soon, but I lost track of time and never ended up joining in.  Nor did I really want to, I don't like the people there, and I'm not sure why she insisted on me saying hi.

The icing on the cake was that I didn't buy her a birthday gift either.  Now I should point out that I don't really have much money. I have a part time job that I make a meagre amount of pay from, and I use it mostly to buy stuff for myself, like electronics and gaming equipment, games, etc.

I had made it clear for her a while back that I probably won't be able to afford her a gift, but I don't know why she was still expecting one.  She has a job and has far more money than I do.

For my birthday earlier this year, I told her clearly I didn't want a gift, but she still went and bought one anyway, even though I had clearly said I didn't want one.  It was some disgusting ass shirt that I'd never wear anyway.

I'll admit, I've been kind of a shut in for a while.  When I'm not in classes or at work, I'm at home playing games, and I rarely interact with my family.  They always tell me to come out of my room and engage more, but its never really happened.  I just don't get along with them well, and I wish they'd leave it at that.

After her birthday party, she was clearly not happy. She went into a rage and started screaming about how I'm a useless, pathetic, loser and how I've failed at life because I have no friends.  In the process of her stomping rampage, she intentionally broke 3 of my games (to teach me a lesson supposedly).  I was furious and honestly, had to calm myself and hold myself back from hitting her.

I went to my parents and told them everything she had done.  Later she was crying and apologetic, and they said I had to forgive her.  I told them she has to pay up, (around $300), and both her and my parents said that was ridiculous.  That was the amount of money I'd spent on the games, approximately.  My parents said maybe that was a lesson for me, and I'd learn from my mistakes and try to engage with the real world more.

I told them all that unless she pays up, I'm not speaking to them ever again, and they said that was fine by them.

I think this is ridiculous. They expect me to incur the losses of her crazy rampage, when I already hardly make enough money; whereas she's the one who broke it and she should have enough money to pay for it.  Even if she doesn't, which she does, its still her responsibility.

I get that maybe I'm not the nicest person, and I could do more to interact with them /not ignore them, but that doesn't justify breaking someone's things.    tl;dr: Sister broke my video games, worth around $300, I said she has to pay up, she refused, parents say she doesn't have to.  I'm giving them the silent treatment until they pay up, but I'm not sure what else I can do. Any advice would be appreciated.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

willworkforspice

> Come on, man, it was your sister's 18th birthday and you couldn't even get her a card?  I understand being broke, but she obviously loves you and wants you around so that proves that you are the one choosing to be the an outcast within your own family.  You could have made her macaroni art and she would have loved it.   > > You don't want to be a part of your family, that's your prerogative, but don't expect us to feel bad for you when you are being a jackass about it.  > > In regards to the broken games, unless you plan on taking legal actions there is nothing you can do.  That sucks and she shouldn't have broken your games, but you should have spent a little time at her party. 

OOP

>>I don't really have too much in common with her, and even less in common with her friends.  Not sure what either of us would have gotten out of being at the party.  In either case, its not really an excuse to damage someone's stuff.  I wouldn't care if she wasn't at my party.  Brothers and sisters don't have to be best friends, they can still treat each other with enough respect not to damage stuff.

edit: Okay I realise I'm a shit brother and a shit human being.  I took a deep look at myself and I even cried a little bit.  I'm going to apologise to my sister first thing tomorrow morning.  Thanks for your comments, including the tough love.  I will update when I can. 

Update  Aug 20, 2015 (19 days later)

Okay guys, so I know its been a while since I made the first post, like 3 weeks ago.  I actually resolved this issue like two weeks ago, but I wasn't really gonna make a post about it.  But I showed my sister the post, (and some of the comments :/ ) and she convinced me to make an update post explaining what happened.

Well after I made the last post, I got a lot of comments.  Some supportive, others... less so.  I was feeling pretty bad, and I'll admit I was a jerk to my sister.  I was feeling pretty bad, and I realised I really should go and apologise to her.

Unfortunately it was the middle of the night, and I didn't want to wake her up.  I couldn't sleep however, so I decided to go and wake her up and apologise to her.  I went to her bedroom and roused her awake, she was really tired and bewildered.  I told her I was sorry for being such a selfish, inconsiderate jerk and that I really did love her, she replied with a half asleep "mkay" and told me to go back to bed.  I think when she realised I'd been crying she realised I was serious.

We had a bit of a talk, and she told me not to worry, she was sorry too, everything can be sorted out and we can talk again in the morning, then she told me to go back to sleep.

So I went back to sleep and we had a talk the next day. I basically told her I'm sorry for being such an ass to her on her birthday, and I think my video games cause me to forget about the outside world and the passing of time.  I think like when I play, I just forget myself and time passes without me even realising.  I told her I should have set aside the games the entire day, and just spent the birthday with her, no matter how much I initially didn't want to.  I then made a pledge to cut down my gaming and spend more time with my family.

She was really happy to hear this, she said she couldn't believe what she was hearing, like I was suddenly a new person or had an epiphany.  She gave me a hug and once again apologised heavily for having broken my games.

She said basically that she felt my gaming habits had "stolen her little brother away from her" and turned me from a happy kid into a miserable troll that lurks in his dark room.  She said she really regretted breaking my games the instant she had done it, and she did it more out of anger for the way they were hurting me and distancing me from her and my family. She was extremely apologetic, and I told her to forget about it, I probably deserved it, and she might have even done me a favour.

She told me the reason she had been so upset and she wanted me at the party was because next year she is going off to university and she won't see me much anymore.  She doesn't have that much time left to spend with me, and she feels that I don't feel the same way at all, and she is hurt that I'd rather spend these last few months playing games, especially on her birthday.  I told her I understood and that was a really fair judgement that I hadn't considered.

She said "you know us big sisters always have to look out for our little brother, and when we see someone or something that hurts him, we can get a little crazy" hence why she had broken my games in a fury.

I told her I wish there was some way I can make it up to her for missing the party, and we discussed it with my parents.  They both told me they were disappointed in me, but glad that I'd finally realised what my problem was and was trying to rectify it.  She said she wants to take us all out to dinner at a nice restaurant, which she'd pay for, as a specifically family only celebration of her birthday.  (We did that a week or so later and it was really nice).

I wanted to bring up the issue of the games, but I didn't want to, I had said I'd try to focus less on gaming and to bring it up would be antithetical.  I figured to myself I'd just save the money and buy them again, I don't need to trouble my sister and make her feel bad.  She asked me which games they were, I told her forget about it, I didn't even like them very much.

I was in my room playing on the ps3 a couple of days later while she was at work.  She walks in, and tells me she bought something for me.  She shows me 3 games she bought, and the one that I really liked that she had broken wasn't even one of them.  She asked me if they were the right games, I said well technically no, but don't worry its not important.  She then pulled out that specific game from her purse, she had somehow remembered. She'd also bought some multiplayer games and a second controller.  She told me that its unfair that she only ask me to do things that she enjoy and she should also do things that I enjoy.

Also I showed her my original post some time ago, and we both read through the comments together.  We were in a good mood so thankfully we didn't rage too much, but I told her that I think some of those comments had helped me realise that I was actually being a jerk and was losing my sister through my jerkiness.  She convinced me I should write a follow up post, which I did, it just took me about two weeks to get around to doing.

Also, my dad found out she had bought new games and we were playing together.  He was extremely displeased, he said she was just encouraging my bad habits and she shouldn't have done that.  He just stood there shaking his head while she was playing, saying "I hope you don't end up like him", referring to me.

   tl;dr: apologised to my sister, realised I was being a jerk by ignoring her.  She took my and the family out to dinner to compensate for me missing out on her birthday, and also bought me some new games.  Reconciled and promised to spend more time with her, and be less of a video-game addicted douche.

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AIO for telling my boyfriend to plan his own birthday dinner?

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Abusive behavior!<

Original Post  June 22, 2026

Hello people,

I (30F) and my boyfriend (now 28M) have been together for 5 years.

This year I decided to throw a surprise party for him since his birthday was on a Monday, I did it the Saturday. I was able to use my friend’s AirBnB, that wasn’t currently being rented that weekend, to have a nicer place and to reduce suspicion since I do an overboard deep clean. I didn’t have any help and I work about 70 hours a week so I decided to go to my local grocery deli department to get food and the cake for the party. I ordered some decorations and went on my lunch during the week to set them up. I put a lot of thought effort into this and I was spent a lot of time getting things together and planning.

On the day of the party, (Saturday) i gave him his gifts and I spent all day doing one of his hobbies with him, and trying to keep him busy. He wasn’t happy that I wasn’t doing anything for his birthday (as he knew of) and he wanted to do other things but that would spoil the plans. (He wanted to go to a city 2 hours away and spend the weekend out there, but I needed him here for the party he didn’t know about yet)

I made some plans with a friend so he went out with him while I ran to the Airbnb to finish setting up things. It was a pretty good turn out, about 25 people. Our friend got him the house and he was very surprised. Everyone ate, drank, and had a good time. Lots of laughs. The night went really great. Everybody left, I cleaned it all up by myself while he sat down and brought things into the house when we got home. That night, he thanked me a million times and kept telling me how amazing the party was.

The next morning I was beat, we got home late and I cleaned up everything by myself. I worked all week, and had a health issue on top of everything with the party and I needed a break. I bought him food from his favorite places all day, even when he had a lot of leftovers from the party. He pretty much was upset all day because he didn’t want to be home. I told him to go hang out with his friends but he refused. I asked him what he wanted to do and he would just pout and not want to do anything other than go to that town two hours away. He wouldn’t even attempt to ask his friends if they wanted to go and I think it might be because he wanted me to pay for everything but I was pretty tapped out. I spent pretty much $1,000 for everything for the weekend including gifts and getting things to participate in his hobby that I don’t even really like, I just put on a smile and did it for him. I don’t make crazy money so in general so that’s a lot for me.

I go to work Monday and he asked me if we could go to dinner since it was actually his birthday. I said yes, he told me that I needed to invite all his friends, call in a reservation and pay for it to make it up to him for not planning anything on his actual birthday and only one day and not whole weekend. I feel insulted and hurt. I told him he can do it himself and i wouldn’t be attending. I reminded him that on my birthday a few months back, we only did things he wanted to do, and I didn’t get anything planned for me with friends or something special. Not even a simple $15 cake that he can just grab from the Walmart bakery two minutes down the road. He has never put half of as much effort into my birthday as I have done to his for the 5 years we have been together. I understand this is not a competition, and we don’t really one up each other on anything, but I don’t get how I ruined his birthday???

This obviously turned into a fight and since we live together, he has been staying with dad because “I ruined his birthday.” Idk if we are breaking up or what because he will not talk to me. I’m hurt and insulted. I don’t understand how I am the bad guy here.

Am I overreacting for telling him that he should plan his own dinner and I did not attend?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Beginning_Flower_390

>NOR it may not have been on the day but you planned a whole big party and went all out on it and then he was ungrateful and complained expecting you to do even more still while he does literally nothing for your birthday. Sounds like you’d be better off without him to be honest he doesn’t sound like he really likes you

OOP

>>He seemed to be very happy about it and thanked me so much to turn around and do all that… I’m so numb, I feel like letting this relationship go. It’s been good up until this point.

Mini Update  Same Day

I called him and told him that’s we need to speak face to face today, he said sure and asked if he should spend $700 on something.I told him that’s the majority of his money he has on his side of the account… and just argued with me when I told him he shouldn’t. I’m taking my portion out of that account and breaking up with him tonight.

Update  June 24, 2026

UPDATE

Thank you for all the comments and people checking up on me. I have a little bit of context and update of what’s going on currently.

I was supposed to meet up with him that night to break up with him and talk about how we will need to separate things. My name is primary on his vehicle but he is a co-signer and on the title so I couldn’t report it stolen or anything. He has shit credit and anger issues (yes I know shocker) so I had a feeling he would just stop paying and ruin mine for fun. We also had a joint bank account where we would save money, put things towards bills, the house, the cats and so on. I did take all of my money out. There’s a certain amount allocated that we have for ourselves or our “ fun, trip “ money etc, so when he called to spend a big chunk of his side that is not uncommon. Yes, he did buy a gun, I told him it was stupid but he has quite a few so it was not uncommon, it was not to try to hurt or threaten me.

So, anyway, he did not show up for the meeting at his dad’s house and his dad wasn’t there. I just went home. I got a weird text message that morning from a random number calling me an asshole and it blocked me, never figured out who it was. He wasn’t answering me for a good while but this wasn’t unusual from his behavior since he left. Well I got a call yesterday afternoon they found his car abandoned and smashed with nobody in it. ( thank god for gap )  

I was 3 hours away dealing with an issue at one of my farthest stores from my city. I finally called his dad and he was very surprised to hear what I had to say…. You guessed it, he was told a whole different story that made me look awful. Tried telling his dad that he paid for all the party and I didn’t do a thing and told him that he couldn’t celebrate his birthday and all kinds of insane shit. His dad did agree that my story made a lot more sense but I digress. Apparently my ex has been going through bottles of alcohol like water and his dad was trying to kick him out of his house. He was drunk and crashed the car by himself (thank god he didn’t hurt anybody) He started to walk, who knows his destination, and walked through people’s yards and the cops got called on him from somebody in the neighborhood I’m guessing. He fought the cops and got arrested. I still haven’t talked to him or know if he ever got out or what.

I have given some major things of his to his dad, and he knows it is over between us. I don’t think he will do anything to me but I’m kind’ve uneasy. I’m looking for a new place to live.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/trowaway243121

My brother tried to pull a fast one on his wife and she did an uno reverse and I am laughing watching him scramble.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

BoRU 2

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Neglect, weaponized incompetence!<

Original Post  Apr 9, 2026

My brother fake name Dick and his wife Ana have been having some serious marital problems which is 99% Dick's fault.  Ana is a stay at home mom, goes to college online and has a side business with an MLM but whatever she has made some new friends and seems to be happier.  Before they had kids Dick and Ana had a solid marriage.  Ana told me after the kids came their marriage slowly went downhill and now its on life support.  Ana does everything for the kids and Dick wants a medal for watching the kids for 30 minutes while Ana cooks dinner. He is more than capable of taking care of them but chooses to let Ana do everything if he can get away with it. 

The MLM Ana is involved with is having a big convention this week.  We are locals but Ana decided to do a staycation and is staying at a hotel near the convention with her friends.  This has been planned for months.  Ana told Dick to take time off work and made it very clear she needed the break and this would be a really good opportunity to network.  Over Christmas she asked him if he got approved for the time off and he said ya ya ya.  I told her he is going to mess this up for you and she told me he better not.  

She called me in tears and Dick texted her that an emergency came up at work and he would not be able to take off.  He had to put in long day on Tuesday and would be flying out on Wednesday.  He was so sorry and would make it up to her.  I thought she was going to have a breakdown she could barely talk.  I told her to calm down and finish packing and pick her kids up from school.  I said I would watch them until Dick got home.  She did not want me in the middle.  I told her fuck Dick and we've never been close and I did not give a damn how he reacted.  I watched the kids until Dick strolled in at 10 pm and told him he was a selfish piece of shit on my way out the door.

He blasted my phone and I put him on DND.  I talked with Ana yesterday and he blasted her phone as well.  She ended up telling him they could either get marriage counseling or see divorce lawyers his choice but he better stop calling her unless it was an emergency with the kids or she was calling to talk to them.  He cooled his jets after being told that.  He stopped by my house and I spoke to him through the ring camera and he asked ME what he was supposed to do with the kids.  I asked him if he even bothered to request the time off from work and he would not answer me and said he had an important business trip.  He said Ana won't give the contact info for their babysitters and asked me if I could watch the kids.  I told him to get the fuck off my property with his bullshit.  If he were any kind of parent he would already have the contact info for the babysitter.  Ana prepped meals for the kids, organized all their clothes for the week and left a detailed itinerary of their schedule. What else does he need? 

Our parents and his in-laws won't return his calls.  He is flying solo this week and had to cancel his alleged business trip.  Ana says she will get to the bottom of that when she gets back home. I hope she has the best time with her friends. I hope Dick does not get a moment of peace. No one is buying his lies or coming to his rescue and I laugh when I think about it. Good luck bro.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Original_Cranberry68

>How old are the kids? In their fight the kids will be impacted - that dick will not feed them.. he needs to learn this but not with children getting messed up in between ..

OOP

>>The kids are 4 & 6.  They will be fed and he is very capable of taking care of them and he will take good care of them.  Ana is in close contact with them.  The issue is he tried to sabotage her staycation because he is selfish.   

collectif-clothing

>>>I think he wasn't just trying to sabotage, it sounds like he had some side action planned as well. 

OOP

>>>>I believe he is very capable of that.  That is whole other can of worms Ana has chosen not to currently pursue.  If he was planning some side action it won't be happening this week. 

~

Intersection_Novel1997

>I’d advise Ana to consult a divorce lawyer regardless.

OOP

>>I see this stunt being the final straw.

~

bandashee

>at least Ana knows she's got support and OP is an absolute BOSS for being an awesome bestie. I'd be getting their favorite snacks/candies every week for several months as a thank you for ass covering. Holy crap Dick is an incompetent....dick. I'm sorry, did he forget he's the DAD to these kids not just the sperm donor?

OOP

>>He thinks because he is the bread winner that means his work is done.  Our dad is nothing like that.  I told Ana to keep me posted and I will keep you guys posted.

~

LadyMacGuffin

> She'll get better behavior from him as an ex-husband. With the courts mandating his parental effort under pain of contempt. > > There's no way he requested that time off. And I would LOVE to see what a judge would do with that sort of bs during proceedings.

OOP

>>I don't believe for a second he requested time off.  As crazy as it sounds he would probably be a more involved father if they got a divorce. 

Update  Apr 13, 2026 (4 days later)

I got a lot of messages for updates so I am going to leave it in the comments.  I'm going to start with the good news first.  Ana is going to divorce Dick. Thanks to a family member she was able to get an appointment with a lawyer this week.  She comes very highly recommended.

When Ana came home on Sunday night Dick was waiting with a suitcase and said it was his turn to take a vacation and he left!!!  No arguing he just left.  In his warped mind his silence is meant to punish Ana but he is just making her life easier.  While he is gone she is going to be making copies of all the financial documents she can find.  She hopes he really teaches her a lesson and stays gone. 

The house was a wreck.  She moved all of Dick's crap from the master bedroom into his office.  All his shit is laying on the floor.  You can't even walk in there.  There is not even room for a twin air mattress.

The kids enjoyed their time with Dick.  They were asking for him today and want to spend time with him.  Ana called him and he did answer and spoke with the kids and told them he was on a business trip.  She is going to file for joint custody.  If he does not want 50% custody then he will have to turn it down on the record. 

She also found out last Tuesday when he was supposed to be watching the kids he was tagged in a picture at a bar playing pool.  So much for working.  He did not even untag himself which shows he really does not give a fuck.  He doesn't love Ana or like her but he must hate her to act like that.  I don't get it.  He absolutely disgusts me. 

That is all I have to update.

Update 2  Apr 24, 2026 (11 days after 1st update)

I finally caught up with Ana. She decided not to go with the lawyer she consulted with originally.  She found a new lawyer that was a better fit.  He specializes in high conflict/asset divorces and has years of experience dealing with men that have Dick's need for control.  There is a lot of behind the scenes information gathering that needs to be done before Dick is served.  The lawyer said he needs 3-4 weeks.  When it's real life the process is much longer.  Ana was warned if they go into litigation the divorce can drag on for 1-2 years if she is lucky so to prepare herself.  The lawyer emphasized to Ana not to tell him their marriage is over until the papers are filed with the court and a process server has been lined up.  She is going to tell him she filed for divorce and have him served within minutes.  I don't remember the legal term but there is an automatic order in place with the filing neither party will be able to make unilateral decisions regarding their marital assets which basically prevents Dick from pulling any shady shit.  If he does then that is what her lawyer is there for.  

Her demeanor is different from when I last saw her.  She is confident and had this I don't give a fuck attitude.  Whatever love she used to have for Dick is well and truly dead.  I see it.  When she talked about him it was with the same contempt he has for her.  She was talking about him like I do.  After they get their temporary orders (she has no hope of them coming to a temp agreement) she said the only communication she will have with him is through lawyers and a parenting app.  After strategizing with her lawyer and coming up with a plan she feels like she has her life back and some direction.  I felt like I was talking to a stranger but I love this new confidence and determination she has.

Dick was gone all week to god knows where.  Ana did not contact him one time unless the kids wanted to speak with him.  It was radio silence on her end. In the past she always kept in close touch and would pick his sorry ass up from the airport.  Due to her distance Dick knew he was in trouble. There was no shock on his end when his office was trashed and Ana told him he would be sleeping there moving forward.  He had the audacity to ask how long she was going to be angry.  He is treating this like a temper tantrum she is throwing.  She used his asinine question as a chance to inform him how things would be moving forward.  Keeping her lawyers advice in mind she told him that its going to take her a long time to get past what he did and he needs to give her lots of space. 

I can picture that sob now thinking he is off the hook and better behave himself until they go back to normal.  Ana said she wanted to throw up in her mouth saying that but she needed to lull him into a false sense of security.  She also brought up his lack of involvement with the kids and told him moving forward he would be the primary caregiver every other weekend and he needed to pay attention to them in the evening without being prompted. I don't think he can see what is in front of him due to his arrogance.  If my husband kicked me out of the bedroom and told me I was taking care of our kids by myself every other weekend I would know a divorce was coming.  For the first time ever Dick has taken the kids to school every day this week without being asked so he is using his kids to try and get back in Ana's good graces.  He has no idea what is coming his way.

I wanted to address the MLM Ana is involved with.  I really regret saying she was involved with one because it detracted from the real issues in her marriage and took on a life of its own.  I first want to say Ana spends her fun money on the mlm.  Dick would have lost his mind if she used "his" money.  Her involvement in my personal opinion is based on the friendships she has made.  I also think depression left her vulnerable to being entangled with them.  I'm not going to tell her she is idiot for joining one.  I tried to warn her but she told me she knew what she was doing.  I'm hoping she no longer feels the need for those friendships after she is free of Dick if they are conditional like I suspect.  Ana is laying low and Dick is behaving so I don't think there will be an update until he gets served.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

>I have gotten a lot of messages requesting an update.  Dick has not been served yet.  As I mentioned before it's going to take a while and the lawyer needs time.  Dick is still as clueless as ever and still living in his office.  Ana has stopped doing anything for Dick.  When I say she does nothing for him I mean nothing.  No hosting, no cooking, no laundry nothing.  He is very upset and asked her what the point of her staying home is and said she needed to get a job.  She laughed in his face and told him that wasn't happening and there was nothing he could do about it.   Since he is use to Ana planning EVERYTHING he did nothing for our mom on Mothers Day.  Ana spent it with her own family and Dick was not invited.  He texted me on Mothers Day and asked what "we" were doing for mom.  I told him "we" were doing nothing and I made my own plans with mom and he was not included.  I told him to go to Costco and buy mom some fucking flowers and drop them off.  I cannot stand him.  Selfish bastard. 

NEW UPDATE

Update My brother tried to pull a fast one  June 24, 2026 (2 momths after 2nd update)

I could not longer post on my original thread so I will update here.  A lot has happened the past couple of weeks. 

Dick was served with papers and he actually took it well and did not act like he was blindsided.   He claims he was planning to divorce Ana and had just secured a lawyer.  Dick told Ana she has made his life a living hell and he would be happier living on the street.  The part that is killing him is that she is treating him with indifference and he can no longer control her.    

She called him out for all his lies, deflection, and cheating when he said he would rather be homeless than spend one more day with her.  Well he finally admitted to cheating with no remorse and even offered to answer any questions out of pure spite.  She only had two questions and that was when he started cheating and how often did he fake business trips.  He has been cheating “on and off” for 4 years so around the time their youngest was born.  He faked business trips every chance he got.  She told him that was all she wanted to know and he seemed disappointed she had no more questions.  For the life of me I cannot figure out where his anger is rooted.  This man did whatever the fuck he wanted when he wanted and basically lived two lives. 

Dick decided on his own to move out. Ana’s lawyer told her not to move out before a temporary custody agreement was in place.  You have to assume Dicks lawyer gave the same advice but he is ignoring it??   

Dick decided to be a petty bitch and took Ana’s espresso machine and blender with him. That’s all the household items he chose to take.  He made a dramatic exit by leaving his wedding ring, house keys and clicker on the counter and telling her he will never step foot in their house again.  She told him that was a promise he better keep and through his wedding ring in the trash right in front of him. Getting him out of that house was an act of divine intervention.  She is beyond thrilled to have him gone.  

This past Father’s Day weekend he had the kids in the new place. He was supposed to return them Sunday evening and unilaterally decided he was keeping them longer.  Ana told him to keep them until Friday evening and they could start 50/50 right away.  With this extra free time she went on a camping trip and Dick had to scramble.  He’s like a toddler trying to test his limits with his mother and then facing consequences.

Dicks lawyer still needs to file his response.  He asked Ana if she planned to go back to work.  She asked him if he were in her position would he go back to work if he did not have to.  Dick of course said he would go back to work.  Lol.   I hope Dick is mentally preparing himself to support two households.  I think his lawyer educated him because he is now asking Ana what she plans to do versus telling her what she is going to do. 

Right now they are being civil.  Hopefully their lawyers can negotiate a settlement.  It will be easier since they are living apart.

He is big mad at me and I am a traitor.  Upset with our parents about their lack of support but has no problem asking them to babysit last minute.  At least he has his toxic bros to validate his life decisions.  If anything major happens I will update but everything is with the lawyers now.  

RELEVANT COMMENTS

eightmarshmallows

>Does Ana actually want 50/50? Or is she just saying that to prove a point and to force him to admit he’s a shitty dad?

OOP

>>She wants to share 50/50 and filed for joint custody in the divorce papers.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Hard_2_Follow

I (26M) am taking a step back from my (24F) friend since they started dating someone

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Aug 5, 2025

So I (26M) talked to my close friend (24F) and suggested we tone back on our hang outs and chats because they told me a couple weeks ago that they have started officially dating someone. Im genuinely happy for her! She told me they have been seeing eachother for 6 months and called it official a month ago.

Now before this we would talk and hang out pretty often (platonically) (at least in my perspective) about a few times a week and almost daily with late night chats (upwards of 3AM). We've known each other for a few years and met at a doctors office when she noticed me playing a gacha game and we talked and bonded from our mutual love of games and nerdy stuff.

Now of course, I think both guys and gals can be great friends with of course, boundaries and lines. However in my mind if I was seeing someone I wouldnt really want them hanging out with and talking non stop with a guy to this extent, especially if I dont know them. She told me about her relationship a couple weeks ago and mentioned that her bf has gotten a little nosy recently whenever we would text about stuff. I asked her if she told/showed him our chats and stuff, she said no because she deserves a private life too. I completely understand that, but we really only talk about games, movies, comics, etc. It wouldn't hurt to just show him lol. I suggested it, She again said no and that he doesnt really like our interests. Thats completely fine and i dropped it, though after informing her that from a guys perspective, talking to a dude then hiding the conversations and being secretive about it can seem DAMN sus.

As for the BF, I know next to nothing about him and she always skirted around any details about him. Our mutual friends know about him apparently. Though for some reason she always seems to be pretty secretive about it. Sort of feels like im just being left in the dark. I have other female friends in relationships and this was never a issue. According to her she just doesnt want us to know about eachother as it may have start conflicts since she talks to me more often than him. She has also mentioned that she tells him she's hanging out with the girls whenever we'd meet up to hang out. Which to me is kinda mean and a bit dishonest.

So I talked with her further about her relationship and she is pretty serious about him and loves him. After mulling over it for a few days, I suggested to her that we should probably take a couple steps back and hang out/talk a bit less because I want her to focus on herself and her relationship. I do genuinely care for her and want the best to come her way. I also dont really want to be the topic of drama to add to my list of stress. I explained this to her as kind and as understanding as I could but she just sort of blew up at me and stormed off. Later on she sent me a truck load of messages some sad, some angry, some rude remarks on my looks, etc.

Yesterday morning I woke up to some messages from some mutual friends calling me names and berating me for pushing her away. I am so confused right now.

Last night she told me she wants to talk today. Our mutual friends also seemed to stop the harassment too. I think I will meet her again today to just what is going on.

Is there anything I should ask her specifically? I do want us to stay friends of course and just want to set some boundaries that we may not have initially established.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheSpeckledSir

> You're welcome to set whatever boundaries you feel you ought to, but it seems to me like you're speaking from atop a high horse. > > Her relationship with BF, and what boundaries she ought to have with male friends, are for her to hash out with her partner. Not for you to decide for her. > > Maybe you don't want to be friends with a woman in a relationship, but that's about you, not about her. And if I were her or giving her advice, I'd interpret your decision to back off as being not born of concern but of jealousy.

OOP

>> I totally understand that and I didnt mean for it to come off that way. She has had one other BF throughout knowing her as well as confided in me any issues they have had and this wasnt really a issue before, I also became good friends with him and even gaming buddies, I dont know why they separated and it wasnt really my place to ask really unless asked first. Im not sure, it was sort of a sinking feeling in my gut. >> >> This was sort of out of character for her with the whole hiding me thing. im always a honesty comes first kind of person, though I know not everything is always black and white. >> >> Im just sort of lacking some information on all this. Hopefully I can have a honest conversation about this with her today.

Update  Aug 7, 2025 (2 Days later)

So first off thanks to anyone that offered advice and perspectives to my situation. You guys helped me set my head back on my shoulders and hit the nail on the head. I thought I'd let you all know what happened. Here's the update.

UPDATE:

So we met a couple days ago and talked at our usual cafe. As soon as I walked in she seemed really awkward and fidgety. Not a second after I sat down she blurted out an apology for snapping and storming off as well as all the things that were said from her and by our mutual friends. I was about to apologize as well, However, she told me i didnt need to apologize for anything and she had to really tell me something and asked me to just keep a open mind. Confused, I nodded. She told me that she wasn't exactly honest to me for awhile and that she'd been lying to me.

It turns out SHE. NEVER. HAD. A. BOYFRIEND.

It turns out that she has liked me for a long time now but because of how long we've been friends she didnt know how to bring it up. Our mutual friends decided to help her out and cook up a story about her having a bf to test the waters and see if I would be jealous and "awaken my feelings and fight for her" (This is becoming a TV drama).

No wonder I knew next to nothing about the bf.

She was trying to spin the story that she was keeping our friendship a secret as to, in her words "keep the door open for me". She started hinting that her "bf" started getting nosy and a little jealous of how much we talk, as to start "stirring the pot" with me. However that had literally the opposite effect. As soon as I started trying to "help her fix her bf issue" she thought it was a good sign and we can start broaching the topic of relationships (i know this sounds convaluted as F and im just as confused as yall are). Though from my perspective she flatly refused any of my suggestions to assuage her imaginary BFs jealousy.

So I just suggested to her that we should just tone us down a bit. This apparently frustrated her and that led to her blowup. She vented to her friends and they harassed me a bit telling me im throwing away something good and all that. Thats when some comments from our mutuals started making even more sense.

At that point I just had a blank expression just trying to dismantle the most complicated pick up attempt of my life. So I just asked her, what in her right mind would make this entire setup even remotely work in the real world?

crickets

She just apologized again for all this drama and was bold enough to ask if we can be a item or at the very least go back to how things were. At this point I just felt a rolling headache and was still processing everything (still am really). I just told her I need some space for now to just consider this fiasco. Here I am now. Im probably not gonna date her, I thought she'd known me long enough that she couldve just asked me to my face and I would have given it serious consideration. Now? Dont think so.

Thats gonna my only update on this. Im still going through with it and taking a step back from ALL of this including the mutuals. Thanks for reading guys.

TLDR- There was never a bf. It was all just some weirdly spun up story, to see if I liked her the way she liked me

FINAL COMMENTS

Financial_Weekend_73

>Man don’t throw this away over that… give her a chance

OOP

>> Im a honesty comes first kind of guy. Like I mentioned before, We knew eachother for 3 whole years. We've had plenty of deep talks and honest conversations about life. She KNOWS me or so I thought. Yeah I get that feelings are weird and its nerve wracking to tell someone you like them. >> >> However it really did seem like she just thought so little of me to go on this whole roundabout way, say things that are really hard to take back, and have people who you thought you were cool with insult and berate you for a couple days. idk man, she did apologise but there were more personal stuff that id rather not mention that was said that i left out of the posts, stuff that people refer as "emotional ammo" that was used (the kind of stuff u confide in someone)......

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nathaliebeta

Me [31/F] with my Fiance [33/M] Fiance best friend [33/F] have a weird relationship, driving me insane

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, obsessive behavior, controlling behavior!<

Editors Note: because of character count and length, all previous posts will be summarized. The previous BoRU has all full posts

Original Post  May 3, 2015

In the original post concerns OOP and her fiancé regarding his lifelong best friend, Sandy. Who he selected to be his female "best man" at their upcoming wedding. While OOP tried to accept their exceptionally close bond which included daily contact, late-night phone calls, and open expressions of love, she became increasingly uncomfortable with their history, lack of typical boundaries, and a tip from a friend hinting at a potentially sexual past between them. The final straw came when the fiancé admitted that during a past trip to Jamaica when they were both single, they participated in a "couple swap" with another married pair. Though he insisted that he and Sandy never actually slept with each other.

Update 1  June 6 2015 (1 month later)

OOP confronts her fiancé, demanding that Sandy be replaced as best man and cut out of their lives entirely. When he refuses to abandon his best friend but offers to ease contact and skip the bachelor party, she gives him an ultimatum to choose between them prompting him to immediately call off the wedding and end the relationship stating that if she cannot trust him after years of complete honesty, it isn't worth the trouble. Before leaving, he confirms the Jamaica story but clarifies that while they were all naked and swapping did occur, he and Sandy only slept with the other couple's respective partners and never with each other. In the aftermath, OOP realizes she acted out of jealousy and regrets sending harassing texts to Sandy, and desperately tries to win her fiancé back only to find he has packed his things, left his keys and cut off all communication completely.

Update 2  Dec 29, 2015 (6 months after last update)

In update 2 OOP reveals that months of stalking and harassment towards her ex and Sandy led to a meeting with Sandy, where OOP realizes how everything is messed up and she went too far. Things such as following the breakup OOP repeatedly tried to corner her ex-fiancé at his workplace, tracked his movements and flooded him, his sister, and his parents with messages leading her ex to block her and change his phone number twice. Sandy eventually met with the OOP to deliver a final warning that the ex-fiancé was preparing to file a restraining order if the harassment did not cease. OOP tried to downplay her behavior as a series of misunderstandings and blamed Sandy for being toxic and threatening, the intervention OOP to come to terms that the engagement was permanently over and that she needed to cut contact, focus on her own therapy and attempt to move on with her life.

New update

10+ years update consequences and lesson learned  June 22, 2026

Have not been in reddit for a while here is the original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/34r6ah/me_31f_with_my_fiance_33m_fiance_best_friend_33f/

Hello

I am Alive...well, it has been a little over 10 years from my last update.

The other day I was listening to some facebook reel, and what do I find? My old story, I haven't been on reddit for a while and had a hard time tracking my old account and my password, I have some news, this is going to be long.

First let me tell you I am doing much better, I had to move in with my mother as her health has not been the best, I am a single mother and have a wonderful daughter unfortunately due to circumstances she lives with her father. My sister is not doing so good, she has struggled with weight issues and depression , things are improving for her and she has some lovely pets to keep her company.

I am in a much better place now, I have had a lot of therapy and it has helped me cope with a lot of issues, understand things differently, making me a better person. My life has been a lot tougher than I expected, I am trying to focus on being a good mother, a good daughter and good sister.

I have some nice co-workers. Sometimes we go out and hang out after work, just a shade of the old social life I used to have. It has been humbling.

I have not been lucky on the dating scene.

I will be as honest as I can, it's been a long time so I can't remember every detail, however I believe it to be therapeutic to get this out.

I did get served with criminal charges for stalking and harassment, it was a lot of trouble for me, it is too long and painful, but the highlights are.

My sister and I could not contact my ex in any way.

I had to stay some distance away from him, I could not contact him via third parties nor use anyone else to get messages to him.

His family was off limits

I could not contact his work

I could not go to his house

I did not see him in person again, it was all through his attorney.

I had to get a lawyer, at first I thought I did not need one, in my hubris I believed I was in the right and had nothing to fear, I was angry and felt wronged, however my ex's  lawyer contacted me and told me I needed one asap because this was no civil court, the charges were coming from the state, he told me I would most certainly go to jail, my mom helped me pay for one, it was not cheap.

It was humiliating and very eye opener, we met with someone from the prosecutor’s office (can't remember the title) they presented a large number of printouts of the messages I had sent my ex, sandy and his friends. There were prints out of the social media post I made, there were recordings of the voice messages me and my sister left him, his sister, Sandy and a couple of our friends, there were call logs of when I contacted his work, recordings of said calls, statements from our old group of the people who I believed were my friends, from his family, from his sister including the ones in which I was just venting, emails I had sent, emails my sister had sent, even some from fake accounts in which I pretended to be someone else. They did not paint me in good way, now all these years later I admit they were too much, in particular the ones were I threaten him.

There were incident reports from his HR department due to the harassment I had done, there were several police reports as well, video of me driving by his house, parking outside of his new place, he took the videos. He knew I was watching so we weren't as sneaky as we thought we were.

The final incident that made me think long and hard and convinced me to snap out of it was when me and my sister were following him in her car and we got pulled over by the police, we were detained, my ex had called emergency services... that was .. the moment that made me realize I had gone too far, that was of course included, it scared me.

My mom was devastated when she saw all the information. She was crying and weeping asking me and my sister on how we could have done this.

Believe me it was damaging, did not paint us in a good way, and there was no excuse for what me and my sister did, I can't believe how unhinged I was.

My ex's lawyer was not working for the state, he was the one who gathered everything, he was very friendly and not aggressive at all, he told us my ex just wanted this solved, and be done with it, very professional, not like they appear on tv or shows, he was like: you messed up bad, but we don't want to screw you 100%

At that time I asked my attorney if we could fight the charges or do something about it, he said we could but we would have to find someone else, he was not taking it. He told us this had been going on for a long time and we would be lucky if I stayed out of prison, he did not hold back, there were tears, fights and blames between my mom, my sister and me.

I contacted my uncle, my moms older brother who has always been a father figure, he met with the lawyer as well, when he saw all the evidence and heard all the story his eyes filled with tears, he could not believe what we had done, still 10 years later our relationship has not recovered, he looked so shocked, he said he had failed. The look of disappointment in his face is something that still haunts me

He told the 3 of us to take the deal, accept the restraining order, the probation, the misdemeanor, as it was the best we could get and it could get very ugly if we fought it, including possible jail time. We came to an arrangement, he would reach the prosecutor.

I had to go in front of a judge and admit to it all, the prosecutor was there, he was the one that recommended the terms. I would accept the restraining order, no contact... probation for 3 years, community service, a big fine, therapy, group therapy, my ex was not present, his lawyer was but said nothing.

The Judge was very harsh, she did not mince words, she told me people have done prison time for less, that I was lucky my ex fiance had spoke kindly about me to the prosecution otherwise she would have imposed a more severe punishment, she asked me directly if I knew the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor? - she explained it- She asked how would we feel if the roles were reversed and my ex had done all these things to me,how would my family feel about it? That one hit hard and we all cried. Terrible terrible things I did. She had me read out loud some of the emails, texts and transcripts of the voice messages I had sent my ex and Sandy, it was so bad that it still rattles me, she asked me what I was I thinking? My attorney several times tried to say something, telling the judge that it was summarized, but she told him to shut up and to keep reading, she said I had to be accountable for all this, I was crying so hard when I read the messages, it was terrible, even when I was sobbing, the judge made me pause, compose myself and then to keep reading, the ones we sent Sandy were the worst of all, she made me read them all, my mom, my sister and me were crying the whole time, my lawyer was shocked about the reaction of the judge, It was horrible, long, time consuming, expensive and it was all on me, the Judge said at the end that she was not pleased with the results and if it were up to her my punishment would be severe. My lawyer was rattled and told us we were lucky, as he had worked with this judge before and had never seen her so upset. I had to get a bank loan at terrible rates to pay my mother and all this mess.

My ex did not want any restitution, so he did not go the civil court way, which my lawyer told me that once again we were lucky because we would have to pay a lot of money due to the amount of evidence and the length of time it had been going on. We got a separate private agreement, the lawyer made it clear that this was not a reward for my actions but a generosity as he wanted to move on cleanly.

At the end my ex would let me keep the car (it was his, I was using it ) transfer the title to me, and he would pay for therapy.

I did not see this coming, I was so caught up with the drama and thinking stupid scenarios that it bit me hard, still at the end he was being the better person.

The Lawyer provided me with a list of therapists, the first 2 were no good, the third one was the best.

After the 6 months were up I contacted his attorney and asked if my ex would be willing to pay for more sessions, his lawyer said my ex agreed if I kept my part of the bargain and not contact him ever again, he paid for an additional year of therapy that was in 2016 - 2017

He got married in 2018, of course I was not invited to the wedding.

All of my old group of acquaintances who I thought were my friends, stopped contacting me and cut me off. That tells me something right?

The wife of one of my ex friends, let's call her Jenny, was pretty much the only one of that group that had anything to do with me, She got divorced from her husband shortly after my trial, even though she did not say, I believe it was related to all this Sandy ordeal. We meet every once in a while. Later on She was the one who showed me the posts and the pictures of my ex wedding.

His wife seems nice enough, however looks simple and bland. They have 2 kids now.

I had a meltdown when I saw the pictures and it took me a lot to contain myself. Regarding Best friend Sandy, what can I say She was indeed the best man at his wedding, she wore a tux with bow tie and everything.

She seemed very close to his new wife, they had plenty of pictures together being friendly and going out, some at the beach. They had a bachelor party at San Diego instead of Las Vegas, I Believe for a convention or event or show of some sort, costumes and all that, a lot of pictures, some at bars smoking cigars and drinking,  couple of male friends with them as well, some I knew and recognized, some I didn't .

The old group was at the wedding.

I had a ton of question in my old posts that I could never answer so I will  do it now:

• I did not kill myself ,neither did my sister

• yes I  checked his phone, he didn't care about it, no he did not check mine, he could if he would have wanted , he did not.

• Yes I was honest, I did leave out some parts, like finding his new place and calling his work, following him around, and some more things I can't remember.

• Yes I lost my job at that time , that's the main reason I had so much time on my hands.

• The box of toys were not sex toys, they were some action figurines and some ships? cars?

• I stopped posting because my lawyer told me to shut it all down, I told my therapist about it and she said It was not the smartest move to take advice from stranger who only get a fraction of the story and even though it was a nice way to vent, it was not good to follow shitty advice

• Yes I was definitely a lot to handle and making demands were not the correct way to go. I can see it now, sad.. a very sad time for me. I have no excuse

• Yes I had feelings of abandonment

• Yes I have gotten help, a lot of help

• Yes I was angry, mostly angry with myself.

• Yes I was an idiot and got exactly what I deserved

• His family is not wealthy, they are maybe above middle class american, he did, does? very well in his work. He also has a younger sister whom I did not mention, she was nice to me at first then she just stopped interacting with me, I think she did not like me, this was way before the break up.

• I was immature and learned that ultimatums are not good unless you can live with the results of them.

• I was selfish and entitled, boy was I entitled

• Mom was very protective of me and my sister, I was kind of like the golden child so I felt I deserved things that were not my right.

• I was focusing on the wrong things

• My job was in retail, still is.

• Yeah she was always happy to see him

• No she was never rude to me , no she did not insult me

• No my Ex did not pay her things, not that I was aware, she was ok financially but I think that's because the father of her kids

• Pretty sure my ex was not the father of her kids, they are very similar to their father.

• I am not sure about the sneaking around when they were teens, she would sleep at his house, maybe in the same bed? His parents didn't care or didn't know, yes one time he was gone for about a week for something school related and she stayed at his parents house in his room while he was away,

• Yes when they were in collage she would stay in his dorm? apartment? cant remember

• He works in IT or worked in IT? made? makes? very good money. He was an expert in ZAP or SAP or TAP  (I remember he spoke about it all the time)

• I have to admit I was stalking him, I crossed the line and did not respect his limits, I was not thinking straight I noticed some of the messages were egging me on, and telling me I should confront him, find his new place, send him messages ..not to beg....that I would wear him down...that he would come crawling back ...not very bright on my part. Only a couple of people called me out and told me I was wrong and acting crazy, some offered help, some contacted me directly telling me to reach out to a professional, some let me vent, thank you from the bottom of my heart, The rest was just feeding my anger, my ego, my entitlement, I recently read all the crap I wrote, I can't believe some people would think it was ok or justified to act the way I did, it is not completely understandable to demand an answer or an apology from someone who has made clear that does not want to be contacted, Only one redditor posted that they were only getting one side of the story and that the community should stop enabling me, thank you.

Some things I did not mention, like the car was his, I was the one using it, he paid our rent and all the services at our apartment, when he left he removed himself from the lease and paid for the last 3 months I was on my own after that and could not afford it , that was the reason why I moved with my sister.

Yeah he left all the furniture and electronics when he moved, he only took his things even though he had purchased all the rest. I sold some, took some and gave a little bit away.

Jenny from the friend group, used to say Sandy wasn’t “one of them,” and at the time I didn’t question that the way I should have. I think that was the same reason my ex's older sister did not like her, she was always a little snobbish, she said Sandy was like a stray that her brother had adopted. When I asked her to elaborate  she said it was because her family was trailer trash (sandys), she was always at their house, that my ex would feed her, teach her manners, help her at school and then send her on her way back to the hood and for that reason sandy followed him around..hence a stray. My ex and his family grew up in a very nice neighborhood, sandy family was on the other side of the road.. if you get the meaning.

How did they meet? I think it was some kind of summer camp when they were 8- 9 years old? elementary school?

How did we meet? He was with some friends, I was with my sister at a bar and they bought us a round of drinks and invited us over to join them

He was very extrovert and friendly , very confident, I am kind of introvert and not so friendly

He was  handsome, was tall, wore thick rim glasses and that gave him a nerd look, he did not like to wear contacts, he was in shape and had a nice smile yeah in those days I would think that Sandy was way out of my ex fiancee league

Regarding Sandy ex, he was wealthy, older than us, a couple of times he took us on holidays all inclusive on his dime. I don't know the reason why he divorced, but at my ex wedding I saw him in the pictures.

He did not seem to care about my ex and Sandy relationship. He was really sophisticated guy and seemed like a good father to his kids

After Jenny's divorced all the friend group cut her off. I am still in touch with her every once in a while but would not consider her a friend

Yes, my ex paid for the holidays and the trips. We went to Germany once for some work training, I did not like it very much as I was alone for the whole time.

Yes I was judgmental and I think the social status clouded me

No I am not still stalking him, every once in a while curiosity gets the best of me and I snoop on his wife's social media or on one of his friends

My therapist mentioned one thing that the judge said, that has stayed with me. How would I feel or how would my family feel if my ex did everything I did? It would be scary..very scary and I would probably be traumatized.

I wanted to post this long update because it is very important to get the message  across, actions have consequences I faced and still am facing mine. We are only getting one side of the story, I must confess when me and my sister did all those things we felt right and justified, for some reason I believed I could change the outcome of something I had created, if it was a man doing these things to me, my sister or my daughter, I would be terrified. I have been to support groups, therapy session, victims advocacy, did a lot of community service, I heard horrifying stories, with horrifying results, justice was kind to me, I do not know what my ex told the prosecutor or if he spoke with the judge or sent a letter, but I was lucky, people have gotten more for less, my ex could have been cruel, he could have requested the judge for the maximum penalty, a felony charge that would most certainly have landed me in prison, he could of taken his car back, he could have not paid for the therapy, he did not, he just wanted to be left alone, The judge made it very clear that she was not happy with the end result, my lawyer told me so.

Help your friends, help your community if someone close to you is having trouble with obsessive behavior, anger issues, harassment, depression, trouble thoughts, get them help, listen to them, if you are in a dark place, it's ok to ask for help, there is no shame in it. Once in a relationship it is on you and on your partner how much you have to reveal about your past, honesty is good, but not a deal breaker, we all carry luggage and we all have a past that we cannot change.

No means No

This will definitely be my last update, I am done with this saga. It's been 10 years and that's enough, also I finally learned what TLDR stands for so

TLDR: Girl finds old reddit post, updates, gets what she wants, gets consequences, gets help, learns, and gets better.

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AITA for refusing a name for my baby that everyone loves and but I don’t?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  June 18, 2026

I (27f) and my husband (28 m) are expecting our first child in the fall. It’s a girl! We’re both really stoked and have wanted kids for a long time now.

Ever since we decided to start planning on having kids, my husband has been using a joke, place-holder name for our baby. He’s second generation Irish and he’s been calling our baby Siobhan. He likes that it’s traditional Irish and, don’t get me wrong, it really is a pretty name but my major hangup is: we live in the US, we were both born and raised in the US, and the US is known to be kinda garbage at pronouncing traditional Irish names right, on the first try anyway. I do not want to send my daughter to 12+ years of public education and have teachers, substitutes, and fellow students unable to say her name right on the first try. My name is a pretty standard name here but it’s spelled differently because my dear sweet mother wanted me to be “unique” but all I got was grief for it. Kids can be mean and I don’t want my kid to have a name that might get her bullied or cause her teachers to call her “Si-o-Bo-Han” (not at all how you’d pronounce it) every time they call her name in class.

The problem? EVERYONE is telling me that I TOTALLY need to use the name Siobhan. My own parents say that it’s pretty and unique (again with that word, Mom *rolling my eyes*) my aunt and cousins are saying “well, that’s what you call her anyway” (my husband does, I don’t) and my husband’s family gush over it too. I’ve told everyone that it’s not what I want to go with, but it’s like talking to a brick wall!

My husband’s cut down on calling the baby Siobhan since he knows it’s not what I want and that it bugs me. He’s told them that I was really just a joke name and he kept using it just to tease me (we have a very playful teasing type relationship. I’ve given as good as I’ve gotten in that respect). He’s said multiple times it’s not what we’re actually going with but things are starting to get out of hand. My mom and sister have already tried getting embroidered blankets with Siobhan ordered for the baby! They only failed because they called me to confirm the spelling and I shut it down hard. Now they’re pissed because I still can’t make up my mind on what I ACTUALLY want to name my daughter and I’m just a mess. I’m pregnant, my head hurts, and…I don’t know. Am I just making a big deal over nothing? Should I just name the baby Siobhan and get it over with or is this worth putting my foot down on?

AITA if I don’t name my baby Siobhan?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

TitaniaT-Rex

>This is why you don’t discuss baby names with anyone who isn’t the mother/father of the baby until after the baby has been named. I had zero people commenting on my kids’ names. It was fabulous.

SeatSix

>Only parents get a vote on the name and it needs to be a two yes agreement. One no is a complete no.

Update  June 22, 2026 (4 days later)

Guys, you made a pregnant woman cry in the good way!

I’m was so glad to see all your comments and everything! Even the YTAs and downvotes were welcomed looks at both sides, so I want you all to know that I really appreciate it!

I got a DM from someone with the name Siobhan and not only was it validating, but it gave me a great idea. They told me they go by the nickname Bonnie and I almost instantly fell in love with it. After more pregnancy crying, I ran the idea past my husband. His response: “we could give her Anne for a middle name, like the pirate!” (My husband’s a pirate/nautical geek but I love him for it!) So, we have a new working name: Bonnie Anne! If we end up not liking it when she’s born, we’ll switch things around but, for now, that’s what we’re going with.

I haven’t told our families yet and I think we’re going to keep it that way, at least for now. I’ve stressed the “we want it to be a surprise” angle and while we got some flack for it, it’s gone down some. My mom and sister were sour because, apparently, they wanted to do a name reveal at my baby shower coming up and, again, have personalized gifts made, but they’re sticking to my boundaries for the time being.

For all the Siobhans out there and all those who also love the name: I see you! I really do. It’s a beautiful name from a beautiful culture. Wear it with pride, my dudes! But, for us, there’s just too much negative energy around it for us personally. Overall, I made this account for this dilemma specifically (I don’t use social media a lot as if it’s not great for my mental health) so I don’t know how long I’m gonna keep it up. But I want to share this update with you guys and thank you again for all your help.

Me and baby (maybe) Bonnie are doing just fine!

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Another player made an AI chatbot of my character and claims they're in a relationship

Originally posted to r/rpghorrorstories

Original Post  Aug 25, 2025

Hey all. Sorry for the throwaway, I'm still just absolutely dumbstruck that this happened and could really use some advice here.

I joined a campaign at my LGS about eight months ago. For context, I am a gay man, playing an elf warlock who is also a gay man. This is, unfortunately, relevant.

Things were going pretty well so far, no major complaints... or so I thought. After our most recent session on Saturday however, I got a text from one of the other players, let's call her "Sarah," who said she needed to ask me for a favor. She'd always seemed pretty chill and friendly before this, and I considered us friends, so I was like, sure, what's up?

Sarah then told me that over the past few months she's been recreating my warlock in ChatGPT. She'd been feeding the AI my character's backstory, personality, and the events of the campaign so that it would act and respond "in character." Apparently she had been talking to it for months (as herself, not as her character) and then she went on to say that she had developed romantic feelings for the AI, which it apparently reciprocated, and they were now in a relationship.

She is "dating" a chatbot. Of my D&D character.

She linked me a bunch of articles and stuff about people forming relationships with ChatGPT, and even a subreddit for people who "marry" chatbots, and insisted that this is a very real and serious relationship that means a lot to her. She even sent me screenshots of some of her messages with the bot.

Then, the kicker: she asked me if I could change my character's sexuality in the campaign itself, because the ChatGPT version of him is heterosexual and the idea of "her boyfriend" not being attracted to her was HURTING HER FEELINGS.

I left her on read and still have absolutely no idea how to respond. Even if it is a joke or a prank I feel weirdly violated and creeped out and I'm honestly not sure if I even want to go to the next session. Seriously, what the fuck do I do?

TOP COMMENTS

RozRae

> This is so fucking far over the line, holy shit. Tell the group about all this and tell them how creeped out you are by it. Tell them that you are not comfortable playing with her. She drops it, they drop her, or you're gone. > > Don't subject yourself to this garbage.

phoe_nixiepixie

>>100% one of them has to go and OP has done nothing wrong. I’d be feeling so violated, disrespected and repulsed

~

matchamagpie

> Please talk to your DM. If they don't take it seriously and back you, then they are not a good DM and you should leave the table. > > If I was the DM and I heard about this, I'd shut this creepy gay conversion delusional shit down. I'd immediately remove her from the game. I hope your DM does the same.

OOP Updated the post Aug 26, 2025 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE: Hi everyone, thank you for all the responses. Sorry for a not very exciting update, I did end up dropping the campaign as the idea of seeing Sarah in person made me super anxious and uncomfortable. I messaged my DM and showed her screenshots of my texts with Sarah, and she was 100% on my side which was good. She agreed it was really creepy and offered to talk to Sarah but I told her I would honestly prefer to just drop the campaign, and she felt bad but understood. I'm not sure if Sarah is going to be allowed to stay in the game but I do know the DM is going to let the store manager know what happened. As for me, honestly I think I just need a break from D&D for a while after this.

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