r/okstorytime

Hey Reddit, I’ve never done this before but I need an outside opinion on my situation. I (32m) and my girlfriend (34f) (who we will call Patricia) have been dating for about a year and a half. I can honestly say that this has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. When there are issues we talk and resolve them. I feel heard and supported for the first time and it’s really great. That is except her best friend who we will call Janna. Janna who’s also in her mid 30’s is the epitome of what I can’t stand in women today. She is a self diagnosed narcissist who says she’s just honest and if people don’t like that than that’s there problem. She jumps from guy to guy and they are all douchebags who openly say they just wanna sleep with her and then she will say to me and my girlfriend “why can’t I find a good man.”The worst part is that she did somehow find a genuine dude and she was cheating on him constantly. It was disgusting. However this is Patricia’s one and only friend, and they have been friends since middle school. Patricia is also a recovering substance abuser and has been a not so great person to other people and Janna has stuck by her through these years. Patrica tries to tell me that Janna is going through a phase since she is divorced and now single for the first time since she was 20. Ok fair enough, I always try to treat Janna with respect and kindness when I see her, but I do not like her at all. Now here’s where the problem is. A few months ago Patricia asked me if they could go on a girls trip to a nearby city. They would share an air bnb together and spend Friday afternoon driving up, Saturday day going to an adult playground thing, and then I was told maybe they would go to a bar. Then they planned on coming home Sunday. I was asked if I could spot some money and I was on board with it as it seemed safe enough. After agreeing we were out with Janna who had a few drinks and approached me and yelled “Hey I’m taking Patricia on this girls trip now give her the fucking money so she can go” I was floored. I already gave my girlfriend the money and here I am getting yelled at for it. I walked away and later spoke to Patricia privately about it to which she said she would talk with Janna and sort it out. No apology was ever made, I was never talked to about the situation. The girls trip comes and goes and nothing out of the ordinary happened. We text and call throughout the weekend and she comes back on Sunday. Now here’s the issue that has occurred. Somewhere in a conversation with Patricia it slipped that they met these 3 guys at the bar they went to. Janna was all about this one guy and she invited them back to the air bnb. They spent the night drinking with these guys and Janna ended up hooking up with one of them. After I press for details and how they ended up coming back, I find out that Janna had already been in contact with these guys and planned this whole thing out and had the audacity to yell at me to pay so my girlfriend could be there. It is still unclear to me if Patricia was aware of this or not, but I am on the side that she did know . I’m absolutely shattered that not only my girlfriend went behind my back and didn’t tell me about this until arriving home, but what’s worse is that Janna (who I’ve been nothing but nice to) planned this trip knowing it would be disrespectful to me and my relationship. Even went so far for me to fund half of it. Patrica sticks up for Janna and says it’s her one friend after her substance abuse days and she doesn’t want to lose this friendship, but to me that’s not a friend. A friend doesn’t put you in those situations. I also asked her would she be ok if one of my friends did the same thing and she said it’s different because I have lots of friends. Help! Please! I don’t know what to do. Is this break up worthy? Should I try another talk with Patricia? Should I just confront Janna myself? Luckily I had to watch one of my friends puppies as they are away on vacation so I’m able sit with my thoughts for the next couple days.

My husband (48M) and I (41F) have been together for over 12 years. We’ve had a very stable, happy marriage. No infidelity, no major conflict, and our kids are grown with families of their own.

A few nights ago, he told me he needed to confess something he has kept secret since he was 18. I reassured him I was ready to listen.

He said that back when he was a lonely teenager, he answered an online personal ad and went to the address the woman gave him. When he arrived, the neighborhood looked run-down and unsafe. A man answered the door and pointed him down a hallway toward a back room. He already felt uneasy, but he kept walking.

When he reached the room, nothing matched what he expected. What greeted him in the room was a woman sitting on a bed covered in old magazines and newspapers about 2ft high, with trash all around the bed and mold growing everywhere, and a smell of decay and old skin. The woman herself was maybe in her mid-30's but was way over 145lbs. The bed was almost touching the floor where she was sitting. Her face was covered in heavy makeup, and she was wearing a spaghetti-strap pajama top. My husband said that her size isn't what surprised him the most, but her breasts were the biggest he had ever seen in his life. He was amazed they weren't covered by Guinness yet. But this was not the woman he was messaging with. He asked the woman if she was who he was talking to, and she said she was. He said he asked as nicely as possible how it was that her picture and the description she had given him were a bit off. She replied that beauty should not be measured by appearance but by a person's inner soul and being.

After saying that, the woman began to take her top off; according to my husband, there wasn't much to take off. All of her chest was already out for the world to see. But she began to say, as she was adjusting herself, "How generous are you going to be today, baby?" My husband was confused by this statement. He replied with, "How generous do you want me to be?" She said, "The going rate usually starts at $100." My husband was with a hooker!

I stopped him and said, "You went and paid a hooker for sex!" He told me to let him finish the story.

He said that once he heard the money part, he knew he needed to get out of there. He said he told the woman that this was all a misunderstanding and that he did not know "generous" meant payment. The woman got up with a mean, snarl-looking face, but my husband said her face wasn't what frightened him the most. As the woman got up, cockroaches from everywhere started running and hiding from where she sat, and those startled by the bed moving ran up the walls from the bed and the pile of newspapers and magazines.

When he realized the situation was not what he’d been told, he tried to leave — but the man from the front door suddenly blocked the exit and demanded money. My husband was terrified. He was an 18‑year‑old trapped in a filthy house with two adults who were now acting threatening.

Right then, his phone rang. He used that moment to bluff that someone knew where he was and would call the police if he didn’t answer. That bluff worked, and the man let him go.

My husband has carried this fear and shame for decades. Recently he started having nightmares about it, and after researching how to deal with traumatic memories, he learned talking about them can help. So, he finally told me. It clearly relieved him.

I’m glad he trusted me, and I’m relieved he’s safe — but I’m also shaken. I never imagined something like this was part of his past, and now I feel off‑balance. My perception of him has shifted in a way I can’t fully explain. I’m not angry, because this was years before our relationship. But the intensity of what he went through, and the fact he hid it for so long, has left me struggling emotionally.

Has anyone else dealt with a spouse revealing something traumatic from their past after decades? How did you process your own feelings while still supporting them?

Any advice is appreciated.

I’m 44F and my husband is 45M. We’ve been married for three years and together for eight.
Here’s where our conflict begins. A few years ago, his car started breaking down and he wanted to get a new one. He was going to grad school to get his master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, and he only makes a little bit of money because completing his hours as a trainee therapist is basically a 40-hour-a-week job. He makes a little income from seeing clients, but it’s just enough to cover gas and a few things.

When he decided to go to school to become a therapist, I understood that I would be paying 100% of our bills, and I was okay with it. Because in a relationship, sometimes you need to buckle up and make an investment in your partner, especially when you believe in the outcome of their hard work.

He’s a fantastic student, graduated at the top of his class, and we’re rolling into year two of getting all the necessary hours and requirements to become a therapist.

When his car started breaking down, I said I could help cover 1/2 of his car payment because I knew he couldn’t have a regular job. I agreed to pay half, which I was okay with. But I didn’t realize he would want a brand-new car.

He did his research and found the perfect car. It was brand new and cost around $50,000. I was surprised that he wasn’t going to buy a used car, and I brought it up many times. I told him, “I think you should buy a used car because the payments will be lower, and you’re not going to be making much money for like three years.”
But he pushed me, and I gave in. Now he has the car of his dreams.

That car makes him so happy. He’s had beater cars his whole life and grew up poor. He takes immaculate care of it and cleans it three times a week. He has fun with it and takes it to the track for little race days every once in a while. It’s his hobby, it makes him happy, and I totally support that.

But here’s where the problem comes in: When I’m in the car with him, he drives like a maniac.
He gets mad at cars that won’t move out of the way when he’s in the fast lane and they’re driving slower than him. He gets really pissed off, drives extremely close to their bumper, and then whips his car around them. Usually, he’ll mutter some profanity under his breath about them being stupid or “retarded” or something like that.
He tailgates, weaves in and out of traffic, and seems incredibly irritated and short the entire time. Other drivers honk at him because, in my opinion, his driving is unsafe. There needs to be more space between cars.

But he says the other people are driving unsafely because they aren’t following the rules. He says the passing lane is only for fast cars, and if they’re driving at or under the speed limit, they need to move over. When they don’t move, he becomes incredibly angry and starts driving irrationally, in my opinion.

We’ve been to therapy. Of course, I’m paying for all this therapy now, and I’m honestly starting to feel resentful because our therapist is $250 an hour, and that adds up.

The therapist has only helped us in one way. We created a rating system where I tell him how scared I feel from 1 to 10, with 10 meaning I want to get out of the car. This has been a little helpful because he understands how I’m feeling, but it still doesn’t change the way he drives.

We just went on an anniversary trip, and on the way home, he was swerving extremely close to other cars on a two-lane freeway. The center divider was super close to the road, so there was almost no space on either side. There were tons of big rigs, and he was weaving in and out of traffic. People were honking their horns at him.
At one point, I told him, “This is an eight. I’m really scared.” But he continued to drive just as badly afterward.

It took me a few days to understand how I felt about it. This morning, I woke up feeling really defeated. I’ve invested all this money into therapy, and it’s not working. I want to go on trips with him, but it seems like I will have to be the only person who drives. Maybe that’s our only solution. I honestly don’t know what else to do.

This morning, I brought up the idea of going back to therapy specifically for this issue and also having his driving assessed by a professional driving instructor. He said he would be open to therapy, but he said no to the driving assessment.
And by the way, he has been fired from both Lyft and Uber. But he still thinks it’s everyone else’s problem and not his.

For some backstory, he doesn’t use any substances and he doesn’t drink alcohol. He’s a recovering alcoholic and goes to AA. I’ve gone to Al-Anon, and what I’ve learned is that I need to be accountable for myself. I don’t try to control how he drives when I’m not in the car, and I don’t tell him he can’t go to the track. This is only about how he drives when I’m in the car with him.

My mom, dad, his mom, and aunt have all ridden with him, and every one of them felt terrified. He just will not receive that information. He thinks it’s everyone else’s problem. He thinks we’re shitting on his fun, that we don’t trust him, and that we’re trying to make him the bad guy. He gets extremely defensive.

I feel like I’m pretty good at communication. On a rating scale, I’d probably give myself a B or maybe a B+ when it comes to nonviolent communication and letting people know how I feel. But this is a huge trigger for him.

When I brought it up this morning, of course, it didn’t go well and the conversation spiraled out. He’s willing to go back to therapy, but he isn’t willing to have his driving professionally assessed.
I’m looking for support on how to handle this. Am I wrong to refuse to ride with him unless his driving changes? Do I just accept that if we go anywhere together, I need to be the one who drives? I love going places with my husband, but I don’t feel safe in the car with him anymore, and I don’t know how to get through to someone who believes every other driver is the problem.

I listen to Ok story time on a regular basis. This the first time submitting to Ok story time and I put it on the wrong AITHA so I shared it here and was taken down for reposting. So I deleted all post of this on other forums and am posting it here.

I’m feeling extremely upset and conflicted about a recent situation involving my daughter, who was born male and has been transitioning for the past three years. After reconnecting about seven years ago, I’ve been supportive of her journey. Unfortunately, her adoptive parents disowned her when she decided to transition, even convincing her to sign over the deed to her condo for a mere $5,000 shortly before cutting her off completely.

After driving three hours to reach me, she was struggling mentally and expressed a desire to be committed. The only facility respectful of the LGBTQ community was four hours away. When I tried to call for an extension on her stay, I was told I had no say since I’m not legally related. Frustrated, I reached out to her adoptive mother and left a message.

Then I received a text from her adoptive father, whom I’ll call John. Here’s the message he sent:

Text from John:

“This is John. This is a text I sent to Dean earlier which outlines our position. Dean has given us heartache for the past 16 years and almost caused our separation last month through his lack of respect, manipulation, destruction of our property and bringing drugs and porn into our home. We have nothing else to give if Dean denies our offer to help with his addictions and if he continues to delusionally think he can become a woman. We have to look after our own well-being at this time. Dean has no idea of the hurt he has put others through and how much we have sacrificed for him. He has turned to you now because I have portrayed the truth to him. We wish you wisdom and discernment if you elect to help him.”

Text from John:

“Dean, we love Dean.You may not and probably don’t know that now. We hurt for you and your choices which have brought you to this point of need and despair. You have some important decisions to make now. Realize that mom and I are back together and united. You will not divide us and therefore, you are not to return to our home, nor would I think, you desire to. We will not tolerate porn or drugs in the house and it is too painful for us to see you “transition “ into someone you can never be: a female. It would not be loving of us to ignore reality and tolerate or condone your self-destruction. Your identity comes from God, not society and social media or whatever mental issues you are dealing with. You will always be our smart, inquisitive, intelligent, engaging, fly fishing, skiing/boarding son. Trans or queer is NOT who you are. We will never address you by your trans name or use female pronouns because that would be a lie. God has plans for you, loves you, can redeem and forgive you and calls you back to Him and can give you a fresh start.
Concerning your choices:
You can continue your current path of confusion and unreality of trying to become what you can never become and will still leave you unfulfilled. It will be a difficult life for you and we will not support that. As you are experiencing, you will cause separation from family members and friends as you become someone else and a stranger. We will not be sending you any more money. You will have to find a way to support yourself if this is the path you choose. Getting a job will give you purpose, build your self-esteem, and give you economic freedom. You will be responsible for your car insurance at the next renewal in the fall. I suggest you not sell your car because that would limit your job opportunities. You are to stop calling mom repeatedly. If you want to discuss anything, you contact me directly through text. She is no longer the weak point for you to manipulate. You will not do yourself any favors by threatening us with lawsuits which you will never win, by protective orders against me, and calling in welfare checks. You will have to experience the consequences of your choices which we have shielded you from for too long.
The other choice is to recognize your need for help with addictions and mental health issues. We can come alongside you and help you find a facility to aid you. You will have to make that decision and we will respect your autonomy if you choose not to seek help. You still have a promising future and can have a fulfilling life and living in reality where people love you and accept you as Dean. We long to have our Dean back. Jesus is the only way back to wholeness and health. We pray that you will accept His call for you. He is waiting.
We love you.
Mom and Dad”

I was furious after reading this. He disowned his daughter over a text message and won’t let his wife have a voice! Everything my daughter had told me that had been going on in their family. I placed her because her father was abusive and I didn’t want a child to endure it, to find out that I placed her with an abusive father! The rage took over, I confronted John, calling him abusive and controlling, and expressed my hope that his wife sees the red flags in their relationship. I regret giving my children to them, especially if I had understood the red flags earlier. Cause he is a red flag longer than the red carpet! I told him that he’s the one who needs mental health help, not my daughter.

In my final message, I stated that I would be adopting her back as an adult, and she wouldn’t carry their last name anymore.

Now I’m questioning if I overstepped by confronting him so directly and if my anger was justified. AITA for standing up for my daughter and confronting her adoptive father?

I (16F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for almost 2 years. I’m a person who doesn’t have any friends, except for the people I live with, who I sometimes talk to. He, on the other hand, is very social and has a lot of friends, and some of his friends are girls.
One of them has known him since high school. Let’s call her Kiara. He said they became friends because she didn’t have anyone, but further into their friendship, they developed feelings for each other. However, he didn’t want a relationship with her because of her personality (his words). To this day, they’re still friends, but they don’t talk, they don’t hang out, nothing.
She keeps sending him Snapchat memories from the past, and I don’t like it because it basically feels like she’s saying, “Think back to me and the time we had together.” And it’s not like she’s ugly either—she’s actually really pretty, and she is exactly his type.
I’ve asked him multiple times to remove her because she also constantly sends him lip-syncing videos where she’s clearly trying really hard to look pretty and everything. Meanwhile, she has a boyfriend, and she knows that he’s in a relationship with me.
But he never wants to remove her. His exact words are: “Why would I remove someone I hate when I never even talk to her? We don’t even hang out. You should be happy because a lot of guys actually hang out with their female friends.”
I just want to feel more secure in our relationship and know for sure that he puts me above her.
Also, just to mention, I don’t have any guy friends. I have him and five other girls on my Snapchat, and besides them, I don’t have anyone else on my entire phone.
So, tell me, AITAH for asking him to remove his high school friend?

​

I, 36(F) have been with my husband, 49(M) for 18 years. We have 4 children, 1 from his previous marriage and 3 together. The oldest child is no longer living at home as he is 21 but our youngest 3 are still living at home.

I work 40+ hours a week but I am exclusively remote. My husband lost his job in May. While he was unemployed, my husband did nothing. I wish I could put more emphasis on the NOTHING. I remained responsible for all household "chores." (I say "chores" that way because I dont feel uts chores when I am a while adult....it's just things that need done) Groceries, sports, doctors, yardwork, appointments, school planning, shopping, cleaning.... i feel like the list goes on and on.

When i would SPECIFICALLY ask for assistance I am met with "oh, I was just about to go do ... blah blah bah" or he would commit to helping but then for some reason would not. (All those excuses were due circumstances beyond his control, of course) (<--insert heavy sarcasm voice)

Ive told him how I am extremely overwhelmed. I have broke down and cried. I have pushed myself to the point of nearly being hospitalized due to last of sleeping, eating, overall depression. I have now committed to a (temporary) medication as my nervous system is completely fried and lack up support.

He tells me I don't understand. He's just stuck. He cannot fall asleep so he plays video games. He doesnt know who he is without a job. He doesn't know what to do.

I hate the fact that I am at the point where im done with the excuses. He is choosing to do nothing. Look for another job. Go to the Dr and/or the gym if your depressed. Go mow the lawn or build a dang tree house or something. ANYTHING other than just sitting there....checking out. Mental Health is a real thing. I have done all I can. I cannot be his mother. He has to make a choice and take a step.

So, AITAH for not being more sympathetic?

Hello Reddit, I’m new to this whole thing so please bear with me.. I also figured I could give you guys a story that’s deep to me in order to get some advise on how feel about everything…(this will be long but gonna try to sum it up a bit) ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I (28f) and my mom (46f we’ll call her Tracy)have never really been great on our relationship.. I will say up until my sister (25f we’ll call her Liv) was born she was a fantastic mom to me.. I mainly think that because the guy she had my sister with is the one she truly wanted to have a kid with even tho he was more of a deadbeat then my dad( dad wasn’t a deadbeat in my eyes but from her mouth). After Liv was born was when it slowly started happening.. she was obviously my moms favorite, she got babied a lot and was in all treated way better then I was. Just for example I was 6 my sister was 3 we both had on whitish dresses and we went and played out in the rain at family reunion/gathering.. I can’t get the whole story but what I was told was my great uncle went and got my grandma (let’s call her Ann) and said Tracy has been in that room with her (me op) for 30 minutes just screaming about how embarrassed I made her for playing in the rain and letting my outfit get wet to wear my colorful underwear was showing through (I never understood why that would be embarrassing). My grandma listened for a few and then went in and stopped her from what she was doing and told her how wrong she was for treating me like this. Just to clear some stuff up I have always been a grandmas girl, that women is my life and the one I see more as my mom than anything, she has always had me from the time I was born to even now. After that it would get worse and worse. From isolating me in participating in fun stuff, to me being the one to get in trouble or the blame for everything, the yelling, to borderline physical abuse with spankings.. she has always chose men over us as well, and going out every other day leaving us with multiple family members or random people she worked with. When I hit 12 was when it got REALLY bad.. that’s when she started heavily drinking hard alc***l every single day while using men for money. She targeted this one old man who was old enough to be my grandpa because he had gotten a large amount of money from selling his farm. This man was a scumbag like all typical men who want 1 thing, but he treated me and my sister like we were his own grandchildren. He was also part of the blame for my mom’s dr***ing by giving it to her when she wanted. Around 12-13 was when the dr***ing would get so bad that she was being ab***ve to me in every way you can think of. Verbally, emotionally, mentally and physically, there would be times she’d come after me and pull patches of hair out of my head and ch**e me so hard I would see black and stars. On top of that I got called every single name in the book. I may wanna add in here I’m not skinny, I’ve always been a bigger girl, not fat just chubby and she knew she could use that to her advantage cause that’s what I was most insecure about so I’m sure you can guess what names were being used towards me. At 13, I was r***d by a then boyfriend who held a point object( trying to be as pg as possible for yall) to my neck and threatened to off me. My mom did not believe me at all and her thinking I was lying made her dr**k even more than before. I even offered her and the police to do a lie detector test and both said no to it. From 13-15 was pure chaos and h**l for me, I felt so alone and depressed and like I was worthy of this world, the only thing to keep me grounded was my grandma, if it wasn’t for this women I probably would still be here, she’s my literal angel. At 15 I got pregnant by my son’s dad. (He’s a deadbeat that has nothing to do with my son) she was still being abusive in every way like before when I was pregnant. When I was half way through my pregnancy we had to move in with my grandma cause my moms problem got so bad all our utilities got shut off and we were weeks from being evicted, not to mention the house was over run with fleas cause my moms problem would sleep and drink all day and night. I’m between all this I had to take care of my sister during the day and take care of her at night or else she was going to kill all of us from gas poisoning, burning the house down or whatever else. When we moved in with my grandma was when things got better slightly, she put a stop to the physical abuse. I turned 16 and then 3 months later I had my son. From then she was still drinking heavily, while having a lot of health issues come up from it. Even tho the physical abuse stopped there was still the verbal, mental, and emotional going on. I put on more weight after having my son and the name callings got worse. On my 18th birthday weekend my mom took us to this little place called bogeys, it has an indoor play area, arcade games, bumper cars, go cars, batting cages, etc. During this something ticked her off and she left me, my son and my sister at bogeys without a way to get home and was sending me weird messages. My grandma came and got us and I walked in on her trying to off herself. I’m sure you can imagine how that went down, called an ambulance, she went to a psych ward and got “better” for a few months. Drinking started back up after 6 months, and this time she went NUTS. A second attempt was made where this time she went for her thr**t and almost succeeded if I didn’t push the point object away in time. Ambulance came and she went back to the psych ward. After that me and my grandma moved out into a house of our own my sister was old enough to take care of herself but would not leave my mom’s side. Things got so much better. I was still getting messages and calls from my mom with the same verbal and mental abuse tho. Almost as soon as I moved I met a guy (let’s call him Keegan) he stepped up and became the man me and my son needed and he moved in with us. (Granted he was 18 I was still 19). He took care of me and my son very well even at a young age. My mom got back into her old ways and this is were she did her 3rd attempt and at the time I was 5 months pregnant with my second child. this one almost ended her. It was bad. Instead of a 72 hour hold she was there for 2 weeks in the psych ward but it still didn’t stop her. Shortly after that she had to move in with us cause she was gonna be out on the streets and my grandma couldn’t let my sister be homeless. My mom thought she ran the show here like it was her house, got in my face and screamed at me, calling me so many awful names and saying she wished she never had me, etc. even went as far as to almost push me down my stairs all cause I told her she needs to lower her voice my kids were asleep. This all happend for a couple months and then my mom and sister found their own place. After this things weren’t so bad I quit replying to my mom and she didn’t contact me every often at all. When I was 24 she became homeless and because I refused to have her stay here with us (cause now I had 3 kids and no room and didn’t want to put my kids through what I did) the long paragraphs and verbal/mental abuse was happening again. After this point it got to were I just quit responding, quit giving her a reaction, and just stayed silent. My mom’s health problems have gotten 75% worse and most of it was from 15 years of hard dr***ing, some was genetics. She hops from house to house with random people so she has a roof over her head. At this day and time she has been sober for 6 months. She has profusely apologized for her actions but at the same time still won’t own up to everything she has done, she won’t get help for her mental health and won’t go to therapy. I can’t even be around her without throwing myself into a panic attack. She’s caused me so many mental health issues that can’t be reversed because of how she was to me. I can’t look at her in the eyes I can’t talk to her but she’s mad and doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive her or try to build on our relationship again.

So Reddit, AITA for not wanting a relationship with my mom after all the abuse she did to me?

I (F26) never in my life thought I would be in this situation. Up until April, I was in a long term horrible relationship (with 27M) that I’d tried to end five different times before it finally stuck. It was bad but I did the majority of my healing before I could officially leave. I spent over two months in a psychiatric hospital last year and have left with a renewed sense of freedom and peace. 6 months later and I used that foundation to finally leave my cheating ex with my head held high and no regrets! It’s been a few months now and I’m doing better than I ever thought I could be!

Before I get into this, I know that red pilled guys are probably going to shred me to pieces and eat me alive…. I’d like to ask that you please don’t insult either of these incredible men. They’re both very beautiful souls and I cherish them deeply. The respect they have both for themselves and for me is admirable and I’d really prefer if they were left alone. I’m the one seeing multiple people.

Anyway, a few months ago I posted something funny on my main Reddit account and in the comments of this post I met a guy, I’ll call him Blake (M28). At first, we were completely platonic friends because we were faceless and I really just needed a friend at the time. We enjoyed our brief conversations on Reddit for a few weeks and then changed over to a different messaging app, where I discovered he had a very attractive European accent. Despite this, we were still mostly friendly and shared a lot of good conversations in brief moments.

I then met a guy on Tinder just days later, We’ll call him Adam (30M) He wasn’t really my type initially, if I’m honest, but he’d sent a little message and seemed enthusiastic in a way that excited me. We planned a movie date and despite my general lack of initial attraction, I found myself laughing really hard and admiring his tattoos when he wasn’t looking. I grew an attraction to him when we went out for the second time, and started to really enjoy his company. He’s funny, kind, cares deeply for the people around him, and he’s a great cat dad. He’s a huge nerd in the same ways that I am, he’s very thoughtful, he’s resilient in a way that inspires me…There’s also a strange aspect to him that I’ve never experienced.

He not only knows I’m still dating around and active on dating apps, but encourages me to flirt and chat with other men. He says he thinks it’s really hot that I have all kinds of men wanting me but I’m next to him. I don’t really understand it but I’m really enjoying my time with him, even when he gets a little excited when I get a tinder notification on our dates. About a month in he got me a hotel room and didn’t even invite himself to join… he left me be so I could get some good sleep. He left me a fancy hardback cover of a book I’d mentioned wanting to read, his gaming console, a stocked fridge with my favorite drinks and snacks and had some of my favorite food delivered for dinner. He truly has been a wonderful guy. He’s doing all of this even though he doesn’t make much more money than I do!

Meanwhile, Blake and I got a little closer. We exchanged faces finally and he’s very attractive in the “boy next door” kind of way (ironic, I know). We have a 9ish hour time difference so when he’s going to bed it’s the middle of my day. He’s started calling during is late night walks before he goes to bed while I go on a walk to wind down after work. We’ve face timed and he’s shown me the streets of his small town, I’ve shown him the streets of my large city. When I mentioned my favorite musical, he started singing it without missing a beat. He knew and loved my favorite childhood show and sang the theme song from it. We have deep and conversations about politics and psychology and our personal mental health. We’re both moderate but I lean heavily left and he leans slightly right, but we never fight and have opened each other up to new topics and ideas. I find our friendly debates thrilling. We come from completely different backgrounds and religions but we see everything very similarly and when we don’t it’s never hostile and often becomes quite flirty and teasing. I feel completely at ease when I’m talking to him.

Eventually, he told me that he really likes me and it stunned me a little because I didn’t think he would be open to dating internationally. Blake is aware that I’m dating locally but said he doesn’t want the details so he doesn’t know about Adam specifically. He says because he’s so far he doesn’t want to hold me back from something that could make me happy, but he would “very much enjoy making me as happy as he can as well”. When I told him I liked him back, he added a week to his planned work trip to my country so he can come and spend a week with me in my city in just 2 months.

I’m feeling a bit conflicted, because while I like Adam and he seems to understand what’s happening… today he casually mentioned that he wants to ask me to be his girlfriend soon. He’s introduced me to his friends and he changed his phone background to a picture of me. It’s getting to the point that I don’t think he would like the emotional attachment I can feel forming between Blake and I… he seems to be more into it me flirting with strangers than forming one on ones with people. The issue is I really really like Blake and I don’t want to give him up even though he’s on the other side of the world… I’m not sure that’s something Adam would be comfortable with should we be expressly exclusive.

I’m normally very strictly monogamous and Demisexual so I’ve never had feelings for more than one person before. Both of them are so uniquely suited for me in different ways. I feel more intellectually stimulated when I’m talking to Blake. He has an uplifting energy that rubs off on me… He always has a funny story tell. I leave conversations feeling refreshed and energized. He’s been like a midday espresso helping me present a better version of myself for the rest of my day. Adam makes me laugh and being able to physically go get dinner with someone is really nice. He’s very emotionally intelligent, intuitive, and observant. He can usually empathize with me deeply. He meets me at my level and I leave conversations feeling understood. I wake up to cute little affirmations and he’s always around…

I feel guilty about Adam, because I can see that he’s more emotionally invested than I am. Even if Blake weren’t around, I’m not even 6 months from ending a 5 year relationship.. I’m not really looking for exclusivity right now. I’ve been honest but I’m worried he’s thinking he can somehow change my mind? If he were to ask me to be exclusive tomorrow I don’t know what I would do, and it’s looking more and more like that’s something he wants. I worry that even though he says this dynamic is fun for him he will grow tired of it and I’ll hurt him by dragging him along for too long when I know I’m developing real feelings for someone else.

I know that so far Blake is still somewhat an idealized fantasy, but I don’t want to give up on him until we have the chance to meet in person because I really feel there could be something wonderful there… and I don’t want to give up on Blake just because Adam is here and he isn’t. I also don’t want to make Adam wait for a few months until I’ve met Blake and know if he’s really as good a fit as he seems to be.

Am I a horrible person? Am I questioning a good thing? Is this even really a good thing? It feels good, but I’m worried I’ll hurt Adam if he wants exclusivity and I can’t give it to him because I really truly can’t give up Blake until we’ve met and Adam is so incredible as a man. I don’t even know what advice I need I just want to talk to literally anyone else about this.

Edited for a little context: I’m planning on traveling abroad next year and living in Europe as an au pair and have been looking to do that since the beginning of the year, long before I met Blake. I’m a professional Nanny and have been for over 10 years so this is something I’ve thought about for YEARS but never could because I was with my ex.

Tw: mental health, depression

Hi all. I (27f) have been with my significant other (36m) for 4 years. We do have a large age gap but never really crosses our minds or seems to be any issue. So has a 7 year old special needs son from a previous marriage as well. We have nieces and nephews on both sides that we absolutely adore and spoil. Anyway, so and I both want children of our own. But I have a medical condition known as pcos, pmos. It causes an abundance of health issues. Insulin resistance and weight gain, hormone imbalances, irregular cycles and infertility, etc. I want nothing more than to be a mom, and yes I treat ss like he is my own. So and I married 11 months after we started dating. We have been ttc since. So has always been really positive and reassuring with the situation. Always saying it’ll eventually happen when the time is right. I feel like all we do is try. It’s always another missed period, another negative test, another validation that I can’t do the one thing women are able to do. This of course has brought on some depression. And I’ve expressed that spicy sleep is starting to feel like a schedule, rather than desired. I always try to stay positive and keep pushing. However if I am upset, I feel I can’t talk about it. So will ask what the problem is and I feel like I have to say I’m fine, even when I’m not because when I do open up, so reacts in a way I feel isn’t supportive. Implying I’m saying to just give up. I have never said that. If you know what pcos is, it is extremely hard to lose weight. I feel like I could starve myself and still gain weight. I lose a little and then gain it back and then some. Explaining the difficulties to so, he says I’m just not trying hard enough. I’ve cut out sugar, carbs, sodium, dairy, etc. I stay to a high protein high fiber diet. Still no luck. I go for a walk/jog every other day. I put in the effort and I see no results. So still says I’m not trying hard enough. The other day I wanted something outside the diet. Pizza. Of course there were leftovers and I took some to work for lunch yesterday. We got a spinach and feta pizza so it wasn’t the worst I could’ve gotten. And this was the first time I’ve gone out of my diet in months. Now to be clear, so is almost always encouraging. He says I’m beautiful the way I am. He doesn’t care about my weight. Issue is I’ve always been very self conscious about myself and my weight. And with infertility issues, one of the only ways to help is by losing weight. Here’s the problem. I was feeling a bit down today. Didn’t feel like dinner. So asked what was wrong and he’s at work so I of course didn’t want to burden him with my emotions so said I was fine. He later texted and talked and again, said to tell him what was wrong. So I did. Insert text

So: Talk to me what’s wrong
Me: I feel like I’m fat and gross and like I’ll never be happy with myself and my body. It will always fail me. Losing weight is impossible. I loose a little and then gain it all back and then some. I could starve myself and still gain weight.
So: no offense but we aren’t even trying, you had a ton of carbs and not much activity in the past two days, same for me.
(Talking about the pizza)
Me: And you, I love you so much but I feel like a disappointment. You are trying to stay positive and I appreciate that and love it, but I still can’t help feeling the way I feel. Even when I try, nothing works.
So: fine, just give up, got it.
Me: I never said give up
So: just feel very blah about it and it just feels like youre giving up
Me: I never gave up. I live every day hoping and praying. I just wish I was normal.
So: But baby your coming off like your giving up and being all sad.

I feel like if I talk about how I feel, I’m in the wrong. If I don’t talk about it, I’m still in the wrong. The quick escalation when I try to express myself is the problem. Like I am not supposed to feel anything but happy. But aita or how do I express how I feel in a manner to get so to understand the struggles I’m going through?

AITA for putting my service dog on an early retirement/rest period during my pregnancy?

I’m a 20-year-old woman, and I’ve had a serious medical condition since birth that causes seizures, fainting, severe dizziness, and episodes where I have an almost complete inability to speak. Unfortunately, there is no cure for my condition and there isn’t really a treatment that can prevent it. Because of this, I’ve dealt with these symptoms my entire life.

When I was younger, I started talking to my family about getting a service dog. My mom told me that if I still needed one when I was an adult and living on my own, I should pursue getting one. At the time, we already had other dogs that didn't do particularly well with being introduced to new dogs or puppies into the household, so it wasn't really an option while I was living with her.

When I was 16, after my dad passed away, I moved in with my grandparents. That was when I started seriously researching service dogs and figuring out exactly what tasks I would need one trained to perform. I eventually found a trainer who was willing to work with me, and I started looking for the right dog.

When I was 18, I finally found Estella.

Estella has been my absolute rock ever since. She is trained to alert me to changes related to my condition, including changes in my heart rate that can happen before an episode. She has helped me more times than I could possibly count, and having her with me has given me a level of independence and security that I didn't have before.

Earlier this year, I found out that I was pregnant. My husband and I have been together for almost three years and married for about a year and a half. We had been trying to have a baby since we got married, and after going through a round of very expensive medication, we were incredibly lucky to find out that we were expecting our daughter. She is due in December.

One of the changes that can happen during pregnancy is an increased heart rate. Since Estella is trained to detect changes in my heart rate as part of her work, I spoke with both her trainer and my medical team about what pregnancy could mean for her ability to work.

After discussing everything, we collectively decided that the best thing for both of us would be to put Estella on an early retirement/rest period while I’m pregnant.

The plan isn't necessarily to permanently retire her right now. After I give birth, we'll reassess the situation with her trainer and my medical team and see how she does around the baby. Depending on how everything goes, she may fully retire, or she may eventually return to work in full or partial capacity. We don't know yet.

Last week was the first family gathering I had attended since becoming pregnant, other than my gender reveal. Estella came to my gender reveal because, honestly, I wanted her there for that moment. She is going to be a big sister, and she's a huge part of my life.

At this family gathering, I went without her for the first time.

One by one, family members started asking me where Estella was. I explained that she was taking a break from working because of my pregnancy and that we were trying to figure out what would be safest and healthiest for both of us.

Most people seemed completely understanding.

Then I got to my grandmother.

She looked at me and said, "See? We all knew you were faking and didn't really need her."

I tried to explain that I absolutely do need Estella, but that right now I believe giving her a break from working is the responsible thing to do. She laughed and basically told me that everyone knew I had been faking needing a service dog all along.

This really hurt me.

What makes the situation even more confusing is that I'm not the only person in my family with a service dog. My aunt has a seizure-alert service dog, and several other members of my family have PTSD service dogs related to their military service. So it's not like my family has never been around working service dogs or doesn't understand what they are for.

My mom has also told me that I could have avoided the whole situation by simply continuing to bring Estella with me instead of putting her on a break.

But I don't feel like that's fair to Estella.

She's not just a piece of medical equipment. She's a living animal who has been trained to work, and pregnancy has changed the things her body is being asked to detect. I don't want her constantly working or becoming stressed trying to figure out changes in my body that are happening because of pregnancy.

I made this decision after talking with the people who actually work with me and Estella, and I thought I was doing what was best for both of us.

Now I'm questioning myself because of what my grandmother said.

So, Reddit, AITA for putting my service dog on an early retirement/rest period during my pregnancy instead of continuing to bring her to family events?

So when my boyfriend 33m and I 37f started to get serious 3 years ago we discussed where we should live. He lived in the south west of England, I live in the north west. About a 4 hour drive, 6-7 hours by train.
My best friend (37f) was horrified at the idea of me moving myself and my children that far away, she was absolutely against it.
We eventually decided that because I have 2 children and need my support system, he would move to live with us. This upset his family and as part of the arrangement we agreed that we would get married in his home town and spend holidays there.
So he finally got a job and moved up to us August last year!
We recently got engaged! Everyone was so happy… including best friend, UNTIL I mentioned it would be in his home town.
She ignored any mention of the wedding, was quiet in the group chat and just avoided me completely.
I feel like I need to background our friendship at this point! We have been friends since midway through high school. We have had one argument in that whole time. She’s been with me through everything and I’ve been there for her through everything too.
She has a daughter who will be 2.5 years old when we get married next year.
I went through a horrific abusive relationship and it affected my ability to be around her, I couldn’t leave the house but I would put myself in danger to be there for her birthdays etc.
she has awful anxiety regarding her daughter and travelling anywhere with her.
I think that’s everything you need for context.
I asked her to be my maid of honour and her daughter to be a flower girl!
I’ve said I will pay for their room and travel, will make sure they have someone to drive them there and back, given her a +3 and invited her parents for support…

But she’s angry and said she “doesn’t know” if she can make it. She does have a partner who could drive her but he won’t take the time off work if he has to work that weekend.
She’s told me I cannot be annoyed that her priorities have changed and that she has a child and relationship to think about now. She likened it to me not being able to leave the house through anxiety… but I know I put the effort in for birthdays despite having a baby and a young child at the time… and would’ve definitely put it in for her WEDDING!!!

I just don’t know what I can do? Am I being the A-hole?! I really don’t want to walk down the aisle without her. The thought makes me cry!

Advice please?

Bonjour je dois partir de chez mon ex et ne plus jamais jamais revenir sauf que j’ai toutes mes affaires ici au moins 10 grand sacs
Je me demandais si par hasard quelqu’un avec un camion qui passe de Paris à vers Lyon ou saint Étienne serais d’accord de me prendre avec lui svp..

I’m 12 weeks pregnant and my first trimester has honestly been HELL. I can barely keep food down. The smell of most meats makes me gag and throw up. Even random things like cold air outside gets me and at the gym if someone with a strong smell is near me it can make me start gagging out of nowhere. I feel miserable all the time.

Before pregnancy, I was super healthy I lost 60 pounds over the past year and my doctor said I was at a great weight for my age and height. I loved eating healthy. But now? I’m just trying to survive and find anything I can eat without throwing up.

I’ve only gained about 5 pounds so far, and there are days I can barely eat at all. Yesterday I threw up eggs and sausage, tried to eat lunch and was gagging the whole time. The only thing I could actually get down later was a plain cheeseburger from McDonald’s. No fries, no soda just the burger.

My fiancé saw the wrapper and told me this morning he didn’t sleep all night because he was so upset that I ate McDonald’s. He said I’m giving our baby “addictive unhealthy food” and it really bothered him.

I tried to explain that I can’t eat the way I used to right now. I miss it so much. I wish I could eat all the healthy protein I used to. But right now I have like 5 “safe” foods, and one of them happens to be a plain cheeseburger. I’m also trying to get medication because the nausea is that bad.

Instead of support, I feel judged and stressed. He’s literally losing sleep over me eating one of the only foods I can keep down.

I don’t know what to do. I want a partner who is supportive and understanding, not someone who makes me feel guilty for just trying to eat something.

I am completely lost, deeply confused, and need some outside perspective on my husband’s behavior. I don’t know how to read the signs anymore, and I’m constantly questioning whether I am overreacting or if I am looking at a partner who is deeply in the closet about being transgender.
To give context, my husband (35M) and I (33F0 have been married for less than a year.

He is highly invested in his public image. He treats his friends and family beautifully. But behind closed doors, there is a secret side to him that has completely upended our marriage.
A while ago, I caught him on a kink website dressed as a woman and sexting other people online to meet up on the weekend. When caught, he played it off as “just a kink” and claimed he didn’t actually want to meet up, he insisted the sexting was just part of the fantasy. After that initial discovery, I was so confused at the time and didn’t quite know how to handle it, but I chose to accept his kink and try to get into it too so he didn’t feel rejected or ashamed. I didn't actually realise at the time that that was cheating as I was overwhelmed with confusion and empathy for his situation. Pretty much every time since then, whenever we use party substances on special occasions or if he is drunk, he wants to do the kink. We even jointly hired a trans escort once, where he engaged in both oral and anal sex.

Things escalated massively over New Year’s while we were away in a foreign country. We went out, and used substances. We got back to the hotel around 2–3 AM, and he asked if he could wear some of my clothes (part of his kink). I said yes and we (or so I thought) both went to sleep. However, when I woke up at 9 AM, he was completely gone. I checked his location on Life360 and saw he was far away from the hotel.
I tried calling his phone and he didn’t answer until he was already in transport coming back. My major concern is that he cheated on me and was actively escaping the scene before finally answering his phone. When he got back to the hotel, he tried playing it down and we ended up in a massive fight. Mind you, this happened less than a month after us getting married, and it was meant to be a family holiday leading right into our honeymoon.

His story is that he put my clothes under his, went downstairs of the hotel to drink where he met two guys, threw my clothes away whilst down there, and then set off fireworks with them all night. My problem with that story is when he got home, he was in his normal clothes and my bikini and favourite gym pants had been thrown into a public restroom trash bin downstairs by the hotel bar. When I demanded he go get them, only the bikini was left and the gym pants were completely gone.
To make it worse, when we first started fighting about it, he actively started rummaging through my suitcase, pretending to search for the clothes he knew he had already thrown away downstairs, which made me feel completely crazy.
When the confrontation reached a boiling point and I threatened divorce, he locked himself in the bathroom, watched porn, and masturbated. He later blamed the whole night on the substances he took hours earlier.

He has explicitly confessed to me that he fantasises about being a trans girl, wants to go overseas to live normally as a woman ("just short term becasue it'd be fun'). He likes to keep stick-on nails on, and loves putting on a chastity cage and a butt plug to dance like a woman in the mirror. He also only really watches trans porn where he says he fantasises about being the trans girl getting f****d by the other trans or the men.
The confusing part is that whenever he is sober, he firmly flips back. He insists “I love being a dude” and claims it’s all just “c**aine talk” and that the feeling completely goes away after he gets a sexual release.
He also tells me that he can simply “turn it off” and that he “doesn’t have to do the kink.” But I struggle with that explanation because, from everything I’ve seen and everything he has told me, it feels like this may be more than just a sexual kink and could be a part of who he is. At the same time, I know I can’t determine someone’s gender identity for them, and that’s part of why I’m so confused.

But the way he handles it when sober is cold and dismissive. He completely brushes it under the rug. If I bring up the sexting, the disappearance in the foreign country, or my concerns he may be trans, because I’m still trying to process the confusion, he stonewalls me with “we’ve talked about it” and “stop bringing up stuff from the past.” He plays it off like I'm being silly or dramatic.
It seems impossible to communicate my feelings because its just followed with cruel, passive-aggressive remarks about his job, implying I don’t know what hard work is like. Recently, when I was sitting on my laptop crying and researching divorce, he just responded with, “Can you shut your laptop, I’m trying to sleep, some of us have to work.”
Whenever I tell him I want a divorce, he flatly says, “We’re not getting a divorce,” as if that's something that could just never happen. He says "You're a quitter" when I bring up divorce.
I am trapped in a chronic state of confusion. I feel like he’s using me as a cover. I’d be more open to accepting it as a kink, but I feel like he’s cheated and is covering it up with “it’s the kink.” I have severe trust issues now because he can so easily hide massive things from me.

He has organised counselling in a months time but only after I begged and begged and threatened divorce again. Even to the counselling he comments "we dont need it because I know what they're going to say and we can work on it ourselves".

I feel these issues could be related to him being secretly trans and he does seem to improve on some things like booking the counselling. I do still love him but I feel like we're just going in circles.

Would I be the AH if I divorced him even though we haven't even been married for a year?

I know the title sounds awful, and honestly, I understand why people would immediately think I’m TA.
When I was 16, I got into a relationship with a man who was 22. Looking back, the age difference and the way the relationship developed were extremely unhealthy. He became very controlling. He didn’t want my mum coming to my house, he spent my money, and eventually I felt like I couldn’t really leave because I was financially stuck.
He also sexually assaulted me. There were times when I didn’t consent and he did not care about my feelings or whether I wanted what was happening.
He also cheated on me first.
Eventually, when I was 18, I became involved with someone who had been friends with him. This guy was 40. My ex absolutely idolised him, which makes the situation even more complicated.
My ex eventually walked in on me naked in his friend’s bed. After that, I got into a relationship with the other guy.
My ex wouldn’t leave me alone afterwards. He followed me around and told basically everyone he spoke to what had happened. He also tried to make me pay him money for groceries, despite everything that had happened between us.
I know that sleeping with someone my ex idolised and then dating that person was a pretty brutal thing to do, and I understand why people would judge me for it. I’m not trying to pretend I handled everything perfectly.
At the same time, I feel like the context matters. He had cheated on me, controlled me financially, isolated me from my mum, sexually assaulted me, and continued harassing me after the relationship ended.
So, AITA for sleeping with his friend and then getting into a relationship with him?

I’m part of a close group of five friends. Recently, I found out that one of my best friends (let’s call her M) has been talking badly about me behind my back for the past six months. She told another friend that she doesn’t even consider me a real friend and is just “tolerating” me in the group.I grew up in a strict household, so I often had to lie to my parents to hang out with friends. Sometimes, when I couldn’t, I’d stay home. M knew this. I thought we were close enough to talk openly, even when someone was upset. But instead of talking to me, she gossiped — something she’s done to others in the group, and something I’ve always hated.What hurts more is that we already cut someone else out of our group in the past for doing exactly this kind of thing. M knew how strongly I felt about gossip and still did it.After I found out, I stopped talking to her. I didn’t confront her directly (I’m bad at confrontation), and she later gave me a vague apology that felt more like self-pity than anything real. Now the rest of the group wants me to make up with her because it’s creating tension, but I’m not sure I want to. I’ve even thought about leaving the group entirely, even though I’m fine with the others.

AITA for cutting her off without confrontation? Should I just forgive her and move on?

Alright buckle up this one is going to be a long one.
I (29f) have 5 children. My oldest 10M I had at 19, due to a very bad circumstance. He has and never will know his donor. Then I have 9M, 7F, 3F from my ex husband (almost ex he refuses to pay his half of the retainer fee). Then I have a 4 month old baby boy by my current BF (40M).

Here’s some background for context. I’m adopted! I didn’t find out till I was a little over 18. I grew up an only child for my mother but my father had 3 children from a previous marriage, all of whom were out of the house by the time I came into the picture. Therefore they never really wanted anything to do with me. My birth mother was 19 when she had me and due to already having my bio brother, didn’t want to keep me. She ended up doing hard drugs throughout her pregnancy, which caused me to be addicted for the first 18 months of my life. Come to find out I’m the second oldest of 8! My birth mother went on to have two more daughters and my birth father married and had four more children (2 girls 2 boys). It literally flipped my world and my heart I swear grew because it’s all I ever wanted was siblings.

My ex (30M), we will call D, and I met in high school before I knew I was adopted. He and I were together for a little over 10 years. We became Romeo and Juliet with our parents constantly separating us. I even At one point got sent to a boarding school in NC at 16 (utter hell there, and it wasn’t therapeutic like they claimed, be strip searched weekly then tell me it was hell at 16). When I got back we made plans to get married after my 18th birthday. But we got caught. So we had to separate again. I ended up starting my partying stage since I was no longer under lock and key with my parents being 18. Mind you I was a great kid straight As and graduated 6 months early with a near perfect GPA and went straight to college at 17. I fell pregnant by an awful guy who just doesn’t deserve anyone’s breath. As soon as I found out I ran for the hills so he wouldn’t be able to hurt me or harm my baby ever. D came back when I was pregnant and wanted us to be together again. So we did. After I had my oldest I got pregnant again 3 months later. Then after having him I got pregnant 5 months later with my oldest daughter. Things were great! Till, I was working my server shift at the restaurant. I was 39 weeks pregnant with baby number 4. I got a notification on my phone, how was your stay at the quality inn? Well I’m not there I’m at work so wasn’t me. Sure enough he attached his Google to my Gmail account. I could literally see where he had been on the map. Guess where he was! Yup you got it! At the hotel. I made his bank account login so I checked it. Sure enough he pulled $100 out of the atm across the street. But I didn’t act on it yet. Let’s get all the evidence first. Got off work and went home. He came shortly after and set his phone on the couch beside me to go take a shower. As soon as I opened the phone, there was a Craigslist add for a prostitute. He kept lying I got his mother involved and that was that. Immediately went to get tested and thank the lord I came back clean. Apparently it was his fourth one.

I took about 2 years before dating again. Then I met my current bf (40m) we will call M. At first things were great! Our spicy sleep was amazing ! We went out all the time. Come to find out he lives off mommy and daddy. We had issues with his family as it was. I never got invited to family events if my kids would be coming (my kids are normal freaking kids). However newer gfs to other family members always got to come! Just not me. He stopped paying for food and drinks and always asked me. Stopped working. Never bought me flowers or presents never took me on a date that wasn’t a bar. But he wasn’t cheating right? We ended up getting pregnant accidentally and sure enough we now have this beautiful 4 month old boy. However his mother and I provide everything but he gets so overwhelmed with the baby he shuts down. Mind you the baby is such an easy baby and happy little man. I would understand if he was always inconsolable but he really isn’t like that at all. He also has 2 kids from his exeife(still married on paper though). Which is a story for another time. Both kids have extreme mental issues and go to a school meant for their issues.

Now here’s what’s going on. We went home to Alabama for a week. We got to spend time with my sister and her kids and see the rest of the family. My oldest was coerced to staying home with my adoptive parents. During this time I received many nasty messages that he ended up wanting to go and I’m separating him from the rest. I tried every day multiple times a day to get him to go too! Even as I was putting the suitcases in I was begging my child to come with me but he refused and wanted to stay home. So I went without him. But somehow I was the terrible parent who didn’t want him to go? I wasn’t the only one trying to convince him to go too. So I have been berated through text then as soon as I get home in the door they drill me again. On the drive home (700 miles) D messaged me to stay a couple more days. Which would’ve been impossible. He gets upset at me even though he hasn’t seen his kids for 8 days at that point because he wants to go run off with this chick he has been seeing for a year. He has lied to her about ever having kids. So she doesn’t know me or the kids exist. Now he starts name calling me again (has been doing this since I left him). He basically doesn’t want his children at this point. Now I thought this entire weekend since we got back he would be with his children. Nope. He dumped them on his mother. So the kids now haven’t spent any time with him for 11 days.

Now the current boyfriend. I told him to go out Friday night with his friend but please be home by midnight 1 at the latest because we had planned an adult night together. And promised several things (guess what he broke) So I stayed up waiting for him. Finally get a call at 2am saying he is going to his buddy’s house (the bar is literally walking distance from his place it’ll take 2 mins to walk there that’s how close it is). I told him no I really want him to come home. He guilt trips me and says he will only stay there for an hour. At this point there’s no means of arguing with him. Well 3 am comes and goes then 4. 4:30 I get told he is having a moment. I ask over what? Apparently he is crying over the wife again!!!! Not the first time he has done this to me. He also disappeared at night when I was pregnant laying in his bed…. (4x). Well I said good luck and went to sleep. He apparently walked home still super drunk. Got home about 7am. But his behavior was completely off and everything was my fault? Mind you we don’t fight or scream we can usually talk. But now he was acting like an ass!! So I said whatever and was about to go to work when the baby started crying. I saw him pick him up still super drunk and nearly fall over. So safety first I stayed home to take care of my baby. His other kids (10M, 8F) come during the afternoon to stay the rest of the weekend into tomorrow. I have been taking care of everyone and everything. I haven’t heard a sorry from him yet only been blamed for his actions then he is mad about my reactions to his actions! Also he has never said I love you (unless skunk drunk then gets mad he said it) because he hates those words. Which the biggest bs I have ever heard in my life. But he disregards my feelings. So I already feel our relationship has been burnt to a crisp and I’m fed up.

This is just the surface of everything. Now for the move. My sister has a house directly behind her for rent! $950 a month 3 bed 2 bath. My BIL has an admin job available starting at 80k yearly Monday through Friday. My sister would be willing to help with child care and my bio dad is willing to co-sign and front the money for the rental house. The schools down there are so much nicer then here and way less bullcrap (I’m near the dc line and things have gotten out of hand at these schools, kids aren’t learning essentials anymore). It would be a hard uproot and move but I feel as though I’m just someone everyone takes advantage of up here and get used as everyone’s punching bag. My adoptive parents are a whole story themselves but the relationship is extremely toxic (we currently reside with them but I stay at bfs on weekends). So would I be the ahole for moving my kids 700 miles away and starting a new life?

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I’m (M45) and my wife (F43) have been married for 15 years. We have two amazing kids (twins, now 7) who came from IVF embryos we created back in 2016. This is a long story, but I’ll try to keep it concise. Back in 2016, we attended my best friend’s wedding. It was a big celebration with heavy drinking all around. My wife and I got back to our hotel room (where the whole wedding party was staying) and passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night to noises and saw my wife having spicy sleep with one of my closest friends right there in the room. I froze—I couldn’t believe it. We were in a good place in our marriage at the time, or so I thought. I didn’t say anything or cause a scene because I didn’t want to ruin the wedding weekend for everyone. Plus, we were in the middle of IVF treatments and had embryos ready to go. I saw those as potential lives and our future family, so I buried it deep and decided not to divorce or confront her right away. I just pretended it never happened to keep things together for the kids we hoped to have. We went on to have our twins successfully, and life moved forward. I never brought it up, and as far as I know, she hasn’t cheated since. But in 2020, I was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. The prognosis was grim, but my wife was incredible—she stuck by me through chemo, a stem cell transplant, and all the hell that came with it. The treatments messed with my memory big time; a lot of things got wiped out or fuzzy. Fast-forward to now (2025), I’m in recovery and doing better than expected. As my health improves, memories are flooding back like they just happened yesterday. One of them is that night in 2016. It’s vivid, it’s painful, and it’s eating me alive. I finally confronted my wife about it because I can’t look at her the same way anymore. She flat-out denies it ever happened and says the cancer must have planted false images in my head during the memory loss phase. She insists I’m confusing dreams or side effects with reality. Our kids are here and thriving, and I do think staying together back then was the right call for their sake. But now? This betrayal feels fresh, and her denial makes it worse—like she’s gaslighting me. I don’t know if I can move past it or if I even want to. I’ve been distant and short with her since the confrontation, and she’s upset, saying I’m ruining our family over something that “never happened.” AITA for bringing this up now and believing my memory over her word? Or should I just let it go again for the kids? I feel like I’m going crazy.

Update:

Thank you all for the kind words. I’ll do my best to address all the comments.

1. My sons are mine. Since our sons embryos we made in a third party facility, both my wife and I we DNA tested and we are both their biological parents. The hospital had some cases in the past where the wrong embryos were transferred to people and lawsuits were filed. They wanted to eliminate any possibility of that happening again and made us both get tested.

2. I have been in contact with my mental health professional at the VA. I am getting additional help with this along with getting help from my service in Iraq. That’s made the hallucinations I think. (That’s probably how I got cancer in the first place)

3. The friend in question hasn’t responded to my texts or my calls. I think my wife might have reached out to him to give him a heads up but I’m not sure. I’ll check the call logs when I get my cell phone bill.

Again. Thank you all for your kind words and support. I’m leaning towards it not being true.

I’m 28 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost five years. I’m sharing my story because I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being patient or simply wasting my time, and I would really appreciate honest advice.

I come from a family that is financially comfortable. We are not extremely rich, but we have a house, cars, and overall a stable situation. My boyfriend comes from a more modest family. His parents don’t own a house or a car, and they have struggled financially. He grew up seeing his mother move from one rental to another because rent was expensive and they couldn’t afford to buy a home.

When we first met, I was doing my first master’s degree. We started talking, became close, and eventually started dating. About six months into the relationship, I asked him directly whether he was serious about me and whether he saw marriage in our future. He told me that he was serious and that he wanted to marry me.

I asked him how long he thought it would take. At the time, he told me that it would probably take a maximum of one or two years.

I accepted that because I understood his financial situation. Later, when I realized that his situation probably wouldn’t allow him to get married within that timeframe, I asked him again about his plans. He explained that he wanted to first buy a house because he didn’t want me to experience the kind of financial instability that his family had experienced. He wanted to have a stable home before coming to my family officially.

I told him that I understood and agreed to wait.

During this time, I was continuing my studies, and eventually I decided to pursue another master’s degree abroad. I was accepted into a program in another country, so I moved abroad to continue my education. We stayed together and continued our relationship despite the distance.

Throughout these years, he has known that I have struggled emotionally at times, and he has been aware of that from the beginning. He has supported me in many situations, and I do recognize that.

However, as the years passed, I started becoming increasingly frustrated because I felt like there was always another reason why he wasn’t ready to come and officially ask for my hand.

Every time I ask him, “When are you going to come? What is the plan? When will we actually get married?” he gives me another timeframe and tells me that he is still not ready.

At this point, I feel like I’m being kept waiting.

What makes this even harder for me is that I feel like I’m not really free to move on and meet someone else, because I’m still emotionally committed to him and he keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to marry me.

I also want to be honest about something personal because it is part of why I feel so attached to this relationship.

I come from a culture and family background where girls are generally expected to remain virgins until marriage. I also want to clarify something because. Although I have not had vaginal intercourse and I still consider myself a virgin in the sense that is understood in my culture, I did have other forms of sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. We were physically intimate, including being naked together, and I crossed boundaries that I personally believe I should not have crossed before marriage. I’m not sharing this to ask people to judge me, but because it is an important part of understanding why I feel so emotionally attached to this relationship and why leaving is difficult for me.

I don’t want to leave him, start another relationship, become intimate with someone else, and repeat the same pattern. I want to make it happen with him so i won't feel bad. So now I feel completely stuck.

I’m 28. I know I’m still young, and I don’t believe my life is over or that I have no options. But I also want marriage and children in the future, and I don’t want to spend several more years waiting for someone who may still not be ready.

My question is:

If you were in my situation, would you continue waiting for this man?

And if yes, how long would you consider reasonable to wait?

Would you give him more time because he genuinely needs to become financially stable, or would you say that after almost five years, I should stop accepting promises and start looking at concrete actions?

I’m not asking people to judge him or me. He has many good qualities, and he has been there for me in difficult moments. But I need an objective opinion from people who have more experience with relationships and marriage.

Another important part of my situation is the difference between our family and educational backgrounds. My boyfriend has a bachelor’s degree and a normal job, while I have a master’s degree and am currently continuing my studies abroad. In my culture and family, there is also an expectation that I marry someone from a similar social and financial background, and ideally someone with a similar or higher level of education. So even though I personally don’t look down on him because of his family’s financial situation or his degree, I can’t ignore the fact that these differences do play a role in my doubts about our future. I sometimes wonder whether I am going against what my family and culture would normally expect from me, and whether these differences could become a problem later in marriage.

so am I being patient with someone who genuinely needs time, or am I postponing my own life for someone who may never actually be ready?