I’m falling for two equally amazing guys and have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO HERE
I (F26) never in my life thought I would be in this situation. Up until April, I was in a long term horrible relationship (with 27M) that I’d tried to end five different times before it finally stuck. It was bad but I did the majority of my healing before I could officially leave. I spent over two months in a psychiatric hospital last year and have left with a renewed sense of freedom and peace. 6 months later and I used that foundation to finally leave my cheating ex with my head held high and no regrets! It’s been a few months now and I’m doing better than I ever thought I could be!
Before I get into this, I know that red pilled guys are probably going to shred me to pieces and eat me alive…. I’d like to ask that you please don’t insult either of these incredible men. They’re both very beautiful souls and I cherish them deeply. The respect they have both for themselves and for me is admirable and I’d really prefer if they were left alone. I’m the one seeing multiple people.
Anyway, a few months ago I posted something funny on my main Reddit account and in the comments of this post I met a guy, I’ll call him Blake (M28). At first, we were completely platonic friends because we were faceless and I really just needed a friend at the time. We enjoyed our brief conversations on Reddit for a few weeks and then changed over to a different messaging app, where I discovered he had a very attractive European accent. Despite this, we were still mostly friendly and shared a lot of good conversations in brief moments.
I then met a guy on Tinder just days later, We’ll call him Adam (30M) He wasn’t really my type initially, if I’m honest, but he’d sent a little message and seemed enthusiastic in a way that excited me. We planned a movie date and despite my general lack of initial attraction, I found myself laughing really hard and admiring his tattoos when he wasn’t looking. I grew an attraction to him when we went out for the second time, and started to really enjoy his company. He’s funny, kind, cares deeply for the people around him, and he’s a great cat dad. He’s a huge nerd in the same ways that I am, he’s very thoughtful, he’s resilient in a way that inspires me…There’s also a strange aspect to him that I’ve never experienced.
He not only knows I’m still dating around and active on dating apps, but encourages me to flirt and chat with other men. He says he thinks it’s really hot that I have all kinds of men wanting me but I’m next to him. I don’t really understand it but I’m really enjoying my time with him, even when he gets a little excited when I get a tinder notification on our dates. About a month in he got me a hotel room and didn’t even invite himself to join… he left me be so I could get some good sleep. He left me a fancy hardback cover of a book I’d mentioned wanting to read, his gaming console, a stocked fridge with my favorite drinks and snacks and had some of my favorite food delivered for dinner. He truly has been a wonderful guy. He’s doing all of this even though he doesn’t make much more money than I do!
Meanwhile, Blake and I got a little closer. We exchanged faces finally and he’s very attractive in the “boy next door” kind of way (ironic, I know). We have a 9ish hour time difference so when he’s going to bed it’s the middle of my day. He’s started calling during is late night walks before he goes to bed while I go on a walk to wind down after work. We’ve face timed and he’s shown me the streets of his small town, I’ve shown him the streets of my large city. When I mentioned my favorite musical, he started singing it without missing a beat. He knew and loved my favorite childhood show and sang the theme song from it. We have deep and conversations about politics and psychology and our personal mental health. We’re both moderate but I lean heavily left and he leans slightly right, but we never fight and have opened each other up to new topics and ideas. I find our friendly debates thrilling. We come from completely different backgrounds and religions but we see everything very similarly and when we don’t it’s never hostile and often becomes quite flirty and teasing. I feel completely at ease when I’m talking to him.
Eventually, he told me that he really likes me and it stunned me a little because I didn’t think he would be open to dating internationally. Blake is aware that I’m dating locally but said he doesn’t want the details so he doesn’t know about Adam specifically. He says because he’s so far he doesn’t want to hold me back from something that could make me happy, but he would “very much enjoy making me as happy as he can as well”. When I told him I liked him back, he added a week to his planned work trip to my country so he can come and spend a week with me in my city in just 2 months.
I’m feeling a bit conflicted, because while I like Adam and he seems to understand what’s happening… today he casually mentioned that he wants to ask me to be his girlfriend soon. He’s introduced me to his friends and he changed his phone background to a picture of me. It’s getting to the point that I don’t think he would like the emotional attachment I can feel forming between Blake and I… he seems to be more into it me flirting with strangers than forming one on ones with people. The issue is I really really like Blake and I don’t want to give him up even though he’s on the other side of the world… I’m not sure that’s something Adam would be comfortable with should we be expressly exclusive.
I’m normally very strictly monogamous and Demisexual so I’ve never had feelings for more than one person before. Both of them are so uniquely suited for me in different ways. I feel more intellectually stimulated when I’m talking to Blake. He has an uplifting energy that rubs off on me… He always has a funny story tell. I leave conversations feeling refreshed and energized. He’s been like a midday espresso helping me present a better version of myself for the rest of my day. Adam makes me laugh and being able to physically go get dinner with someone is really nice. He’s very emotionally intelligent, intuitive, and observant. He can usually empathize with me deeply. He meets me at my level and I leave conversations feeling understood. I wake up to cute little affirmations and he’s always around…
I feel guilty about Adam, because I can see that he’s more emotionally invested than I am. Even if Blake weren’t around, I’m not even 6 months from ending a 5 year relationship.. I’m not really looking for exclusivity right now. I’ve been honest but I’m worried he’s thinking he can somehow change my mind? If he were to ask me to be exclusive tomorrow I don’t know what I would do, and it’s looking more and more like that’s something he wants. I worry that even though he says this dynamic is fun for him he will grow tired of it and I’ll hurt him by dragging him along for too long when I know I’m developing real feelings for someone else.
I know that so far Blake is still somewhat an idealized fantasy, but I don’t want to give up on him until we have the chance to meet in person because I really feel there could be something wonderful there… and I don’t want to give up on Blake just because Adam is here and he isn’t. I also don’t want to make Adam wait for a few months until I’ve met Blake and know if he’s really as good a fit as he seems to be.
Am I a horrible person? Am I questioning a good thing? Is this even really a good thing? It feels good, but I’m worried I’ll hurt Adam if he wants exclusivity and I can’t give it to him because I really truly can’t give up Blake until we’ve met and Adam is so incredible as a man. I don’t even know what advice I need I just want to talk to literally anyone else about this.
Edited for a little context: I’m planning on traveling abroad next year and living in Europe as an au pair and have been looking to do that since the beginning of the year, long before I met Blake. I’m a professional Nanny and have been for over 10 years so this is something I’ve thought about for YEARS but never could because I was with my ex.