Aita for feeling the way I feel when dealing with a medical condition my husband doesn’t seem to understand
Tw: mental health, depression
Hi all. I (27f) have been with my significant other (36m) for 4 years. We do have a large age gap but never really crosses our minds or seems to be any issue. So has a 7 year old special needs son from a previous marriage as well. We have nieces and nephews on both sides that we absolutely adore and spoil. Anyway, so and I both want children of our own. But I have a medical condition known as pcos, pmos. It causes an abundance of health issues. Insulin resistance and weight gain, hormone imbalances, irregular cycles and infertility, etc. I want nothing more than to be a mom, and yes I treat ss like he is my own. So and I married 11 months after we started dating. We have been ttc since. So has always been really positive and reassuring with the situation. Always saying it’ll eventually happen when the time is right. I feel like all we do is try. It’s always another missed period, another negative test, another validation that I can’t do the one thing women are able to do. This of course has brought on some depression. And I’ve expressed that spicy sleep is starting to feel like a schedule, rather than desired. I always try to stay positive and keep pushing. However if I am upset, I feel I can’t talk about it. So will ask what the problem is and I feel like I have to say I’m fine, even when I’m not because when I do open up, so reacts in a way I feel isn’t supportive. Implying I’m saying to just give up. I have never said that. If you know what pcos is, it is extremely hard to lose weight. I feel like I could starve myself and still gain weight. I lose a little and then gain it back and then some. Explaining the difficulties to so, he says I’m just not trying hard enough. I’ve cut out sugar, carbs, sodium, dairy, etc. I stay to a high protein high fiber diet. Still no luck. I go for a walk/jog every other day. I put in the effort and I see no results. So still says I’m not trying hard enough. The other day I wanted something outside the diet. Pizza. Of course there were leftovers and I took some to work for lunch yesterday. We got a spinach and feta pizza so it wasn’t the worst I could’ve gotten. And this was the first time I’ve gone out of my diet in months. Now to be clear, so is almost always encouraging. He says I’m beautiful the way I am. He doesn’t care about my weight. Issue is I’ve always been very self conscious about myself and my weight. And with infertility issues, one of the only ways to help is by losing weight. Here’s the problem. I was feeling a bit down today. Didn’t feel like dinner. So asked what was wrong and he’s at work so I of course didn’t want to burden him with my emotions so said I was fine. He later texted and talked and again, said to tell him what was wrong. So I did. Insert text
So: Talk to me what’s wrong
Me: I feel like I’m fat and gross and like I’ll never be happy with myself and my body. It will always fail me. Losing weight is impossible. I loose a little and then gain it all back and then some. I could starve myself and still gain weight.
So: no offense but we aren’t even trying, you had a ton of carbs and not much activity in the past two days, same for me.
(Talking about the pizza)
Me: And you, I love you so much but I feel like a disappointment. You are trying to stay positive and I appreciate that and love it, but I still can’t help feeling the way I feel. Even when I try, nothing works.
So: fine, just give up, got it.
Me: I never said give up
So: just feel very blah about it and it just feels like youre giving up
Me: I never gave up. I live every day hoping and praying. I just wish I was normal.
So: But baby your coming off like your giving up and being all sad.
I feel like if I talk about how I feel, I’m in the wrong. If I don’t talk about it, I’m still in the wrong. The quick escalation when I try to express myself is the problem. Like I am not supposed to feel anything but happy. But aita or how do I express how I feel in a manner to get so to understand the struggles I’m going through?