am I being patient with bf, or am I postponing my own life for someone who may never propose
I’m 28 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost five years. I’m sharing my story because I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being patient or simply wasting my time, and I would really appreciate honest advice.
I come from a family that is financially comfortable. We are not extremely rich, but we have a house, cars, and overall a stable situation. My boyfriend comes from a more modest family. His parents don’t own a house or a car, and they have struggled financially. He grew up seeing his mother move from one rental to another because rent was expensive and they couldn’t afford to buy a home.
When we first met, I was doing my first master’s degree. We started talking, became close, and eventually started dating. About six months into the relationship, I asked him directly whether he was serious about me and whether he saw marriage in our future. He told me that he was serious and that he wanted to marry me.
I asked him how long he thought it would take. At the time, he told me that it would probably take a maximum of one or two years.
I accepted that because I understood his financial situation. Later, when I realized that his situation probably wouldn’t allow him to get married within that timeframe, I asked him again about his plans. He explained that he wanted to first buy a house because he didn’t want me to experience the kind of financial instability that his family had experienced. He wanted to have a stable home before coming to my family officially.
I told him that I understood and agreed to wait.
During this time, I was continuing my studies, and eventually I decided to pursue another master’s degree abroad. I was accepted into a program in another country, so I moved abroad to continue my education. We stayed together and continued our relationship despite the distance.
Throughout these years, he has known that I have struggled emotionally at times, and he has been aware of that from the beginning. He has supported me in many situations, and I do recognize that.
However, as the years passed, I started becoming increasingly frustrated because I felt like there was always another reason why he wasn’t ready to come and officially ask for my hand.
Every time I ask him, “When are you going to come? What is the plan? When will we actually get married?” he gives me another timeframe and tells me that he is still not ready.
At this point, I feel like I’m being kept waiting.
What makes this even harder for me is that I feel like I’m not really free to move on and meet someone else, because I’m still emotionally committed to him and he keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to marry me.
I also want to be honest about something personal because it is part of why I feel so attached to this relationship.
I come from a culture and family background where girls are generally expected to remain virgins until marriage. I also want to clarify something because. Although I have not had vaginal intercourse and I still consider myself a virgin in the sense that is understood in my culture, I did have other forms of sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. We were physically intimate, including being naked together, and I crossed boundaries that I personally believe I should not have crossed before marriage. I’m not sharing this to ask people to judge me, but because it is an important part of understanding why I feel so emotionally attached to this relationship and why leaving is difficult for me.
I don’t want to leave him, start another relationship, become intimate with someone else, and repeat the same pattern. I want to make it happen with him so i won't feel bad. So now I feel completely stuck.
I’m 28. I know I’m still young, and I don’t believe my life is over or that I have no options. But I also want marriage and children in the future, and I don’t want to spend several more years waiting for someone who may still not be ready.
My question is:
If you were in my situation, would you continue waiting for this man?
And if yes, how long would you consider reasonable to wait?
Would you give him more time because he genuinely needs to become financially stable, or would you say that after almost five years, I should stop accepting promises and start looking at concrete actions?
I’m not asking people to judge him or me. He has many good qualities, and he has been there for me in difficult moments. But I need an objective opinion from people who have more experience with relationships and marriage.
Another important part of my situation is the difference between our family and educational backgrounds. My boyfriend has a bachelor’s degree and a normal job, while I have a master’s degree and am currently continuing my studies abroad. In my culture and family, there is also an expectation that I marry someone from a similar social and financial background, and ideally someone with a similar or higher level of education. So even though I personally don’t look down on him because of his family’s financial situation or his degree, I can’t ignore the fact that these differences do play a role in my doubts about our future. I sometimes wonder whether I am going against what my family and culture would normally expect from me, and whether these differences could become a problem later in marriage.
so am I being patient with someone who genuinely needs time, or am I postponing my own life for someone who may never actually be ready?