I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAstressedbride

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F26) fiancé (M28) and his family refuses to have a wedding in my culture although they want a Christian wedding. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: >!religious intolerance, racism!<

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Original Post: December 15, 2020

This is my first time posting here, so sorry if there are any mistakes.

So I am an Indian Hindu. I was born in India, I even lived there for a few years, and I still practice my religion. My fiancé is white and Christian, although we never had religious differences. Neither of us were pushy about our beliefs. I am very connected to my culture, and I heavily feel like I am ethnically Indian although I have lived in America nearly my entire life.

My fiancé proposed to me a few months ago, and I was excited to start planning my wedding, because I have had ideas for it ever since I was a child. Then, obviously, COVID hit and all of this was put on the back burner, because we're both healthcare professionals.

Nowadays, however, I have just started thinking about some elements of our wedding (such as possible outfits and venues, etc.) to destress without any concrete confirmations. I love looking at Indian clothes and traditions, because it's my heritage. I grew up with it my whole life. When I pointed some of these things out to my fiancé, he just stiffened a bit and nodded that it looked great. I was a bit confused, but I brushed it off. I was talking to my in-laws last weekend (we have a pretty good relationship), and I casually brought up my ideas because we were talking about the wedding anyway. They immediately shut it down and insisted that such things were not a part of their culture and against their religion. I tried to explain to them calmly that we would still have a Christian wedding, but this was just for the separate, Hindu wedding. They said that it was "blasphemous" to be worshiping and marrying in front of "false gods" and that they wouldn't tolerate such thoughts. They called my culture dysfunctional and unnecessary, and they said that the Christian wedding was enough. I was so shocked by their reaction, because they seemed so nice and tolerant before.

I told my fiancé about what they had said, and he didn't even disagree with them. He said that I'm just overreacting, and that at the end of the day we would still be married one way or another. I tried to explain that having an Indian wedding was a big deal to me, because that's my culture, and he said that when I would marry him I would change it anyway. I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

I was so hurt and shocked that he would want me to abandon my culture and beliefs for him. I told him that such a thing was never going to happen, and that I am not going to change who I am just because I'm married. He got frustrated with me, and said that India was a poor, uncivilized nation that I should be happy to dissociate with. Moreover, he said that Hinduism was too confusing and complicated, and therefore it could not be real, because there's no order. What? I love being Indian, and I am not ashamed of it, and I enjoy being Hindu as well.

Apparently, his parents were only okay with me being Indian, because I was raised here and because I would convert. They just seem to think that by changing me, they'll go to heaven or something. I feel like this is so out of left field. One day, they're all nice and accepting and now they're bigots? I don't understand what's happening. We've been together for nearly four years, and I've never seen this side of him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. Everyone has told me my entire life to get married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age, and starting over now seems scary. What should I do?

TL;DR: My fiancé and his family are being very intolerant towards my culture and beliefs, and they want me to convert after marriage. I don't. What should I do?

Edit: I feel like I should make some things clear here.

1. I haven’t talked extensively with his family, so I didn’t know about their beliefs or anything. We met each other maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they were perfectly nice then. They didn’t ask many questions about my culture, and I didn’t take that the wrong way.

2. He was really never like this before, which is why it’s throwing me off. The whole time we were dating, he seemed fine. We even went to my parents’ house once to celebrate Diwali, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself. Even after we got engaged, he seemed normal. It’s only since I started seriously planning the wedding has he gotten more abrasive with his beliefs.

3. We’ve talked about our culture and beliefs before, and he seemed accepting of them. He said that he would respect my wishes and my culture but that he personally wouldn’t pray with me. I thought that was completely fine as I didn’t want to push anything on him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1:

> I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would you even want to continue dating this guy? He clearly has zero respect for you.

> What should I do?

You walk away now. You're SO lucky that your SO showed his true face BEFORE you got married.

> On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. E

BS. There are thousands of people out there who are compatible with you, and they will also respect your culture and compromise.

Commenter 2:

> On paper, he's perfect,

On Reddit he doesn't sound so perfect.

Commenter 3: First of all, your friends suck. They clearly don’t think very highly of you if they think marrying into this mess is too good for you. Find new friends.

Secondly, you need to end this relationship. This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s unlikely to change, especially if his family agrees with him. It’s unfortunate that you’re learning this about him now but be thankful you haven’t already married him.

Starting over sounds scary but in the long run you’ll be happier. You will have left with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Commenter 4: Short answer, leave. Cut your losses and count your blessings you avoided this mess. I'm sorry but you are delusional if you think marrying into this family is a good idea. These people are going to walk all over you. What do you think is going to happen if you have kids? Do you think your fiancé and in-laws are going to let you teach them your religion? It will always be held over your head, and you will be expected to confirm to what they expect. I am sorry for you, people like that are awful.

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Update: December 15, 2020 (same day, six hours later)

I came home after work was over to talk to him, but he wasn't home. I read over all of your comments, which I'm seriously thankful for, and I really thought about where our relationship could go from here.

I called my mom and told her about what had happened, and she basically said told me a story about how in my father's native village, there is a stone wall in a temple. On that temple are 600 year old inscriptions about our family. She said that our family has been in the same place, traceably, for 600 years. She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

After that conversation, I felt really shitty about the words he said to me, and I waited for him to come home. When he returned from home, he didn't really say much except the fact that he was "sorry I couldn't understand where he was coming from." I have loved him for 4 years, after all, so I really tried to make him see why I was hurt and why this is so important for me, but I don't know. It just seemed like he didn't care. After he said some more hurtful, blasé comments about my culture, I decided that it would be best if we separated, and I respectfully returned his ring and possessions. It really felt like shit, but I'll survive.

I'm staying with one of my close friends at the moment until I can clear out all my stuff. I'm not financially dependent on him or anything, so I can afford to move out. Moreover, I don't want it to seem like I owe him in any way. The lease is on his name, and I don't need to beg him for a place to stay. I can manage on my own. I don't really know where to go from here, but I hope I can figure it out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

> She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

What does your mother mean by this? He's not equal to you because he can't trace his family back 600 years?

> OOP: She means that if I wanted him to erase his heritage too, he would have to erase his entire family tree

Commenter 2: Be proud that you are a strong women who loves and respects herself. It sounds like you made the right decision

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he turned out to be such a terrible person. The story your mother told you is so beautiful, you deserve someone who respects you and wants to celebrate your culture and heritage. I wish you good luck with everything!

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kevincasuffit

My boyfriend [30M] hid my [27F] medication while I was asleep

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 13, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior!<

So this happened, and I really don't understand. I might be in the wrong, this just feels so upsetting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and have lived together for most of them. We have a very good relationship, and are talking about starting our future together soon.

Me: I have some medical issues, including a long-term autoimmune disease. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital because of kidney stones. I was in a lot of pain, but don't tolerate narcotics well (itching and puking) so they gave me a low dose of tramadol, which they told me would be more mild on me. I really had to beg them not to give me anything stronger because there's almost no way I can avoid the side effects.

So it's been about 2 months since I last was in the hospital. About 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad migraine. I've gotten them since I was 14, they're diagnosed and everything. I did something that was probably wrong, which was take 1 tramadol to deal with the migraine. My boyfriend knew I took it, because I was asking him where the benadryl and dramamine was so I wouldn't be itchy or pukey. At the time, bf told me he wished I hadn't taken it because the doctor gave me tramadol SPECIFICALLY for kidney stone pain. I agreed, probably not the best thing to do, but I was in pain and it seemed logical at the time.

Yesterday, I decided to clean out my complete mess of a bathroom drawer, especially to throw away old pill bottles. I'm on a couple of medications for my autoimmune disorder, and the bottles tend to pile up. So I cleaned out my drawer, but the tramadol was gone. I just figured I had already thrown it out by mistake and didn't think twice about it.

At bedtime, I was mentioning to my boyfriend what an airhead I was, that apparently I had thrown out a bottle full of tramadol. He then confessed to me that no, he had hidden it from me. He said he didn't like that I took it for a headache instead of its intended purpose, so when I went to sleep that night he went in my drawer and took it.

A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Back when I was in undergraduate (you know, almost 10 years ago) I was not so straight edge. I drank maybe a bit too much and smoked weed. But none of this to any kind of excess, and no other drugs. I just had a good time partying, and by the time I was like 23-24 the fun of it wore off. I'll still have a drink every once in a while, once a month, tops. And yeah, I've been with my boyfriend and gotten a little tipsy. He ALWAYS says he doesn't mind, and it genuinely seemed like it didn't matter.

But now this. He apparently confiscated my medication because he thought I abused it (which, I admit, I at least used not for its intended purpose) and he thought I was going to abuse it more, so he hid it. I can't think of anything during our relationship that would have made him think I'm all of a sudden going to abuse narcotics, especially because I can BARELY stand them!

I'm really angry he would do something like this. In a sense, it's not like it matters, because I don't need them. But in another sense, it feels paternalistic and gross. At the very least, he could have had a conversation with me instead of taking them when I fell asleep.

Am I overreacting about this? Obviously he had no intention to tell me. If I wouldn't have noticed they were gone, I doubt he would have said anything. And, although I don't want go down a slippery slope train of thought, what else does he feel he can police me about? I talked to him about all this and he didn't have a good answer. We were going to bed and I was falling asleep so I just dropped it. But it's really bothering me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend decided I misused my medication, took it from my drawer when I was asleep, and hid it. Had no intention of telling me. Finding this very troubling, what do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Kiyasu

> "A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs." > > Or knows shit about drugs apparently if he thinks you're abusing Tramadol by taking one for a migraine. > > Honestly though this is a massive red flag, the "I know best" mentality, especially from someone who doesn't know shit, is intolerable to me. > > Just sit him down and tell him if he ever does something like this again, he better just go ahead and hide himself from you permanently as well.

the-mortyest-morty

>> I dated a "straight-edge" guy like this. I remember him screaming at me at my own birthday party because I decided to let loose and take one hit of some weed. I started crying and he said, "It's okay, I forgive you." >> >> That's when I knew it was over. He thought I was crying from guilt when I was really crying from rage that he had embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all of my friends, lecturing me like a child for smoking a little weed at my 22nd birthday. >> >> TL;DR: Fuck this guy. He can be straight edge all he wants. But him pushing you to do drugs the way he would (IE - not at all) is JUST AS BAD as you pressuring him to DO drugs. He doesn't own you. He stole your meds - that's a fucking crime. Get your meds back, if he refuses call the police. Whatever you do, get this paternalistic numbskull out of your life.

~

LitlThisLitlThat

> Tramadol is a pain medication. It is slightly stronger than OTC ibuprofen. It is way weaker even than Tylenol 3. > > Its intended use was by you for pain. You had pain, and you took it. It was within its intended purpose, and it was taken by the person for whom it was prescribed, and it was taken as written (eg as needed, for pain, and within prescribed dosing limits). Everything about how you used it was appropriate and not a single doctor would give a flying fig about you taking a leftover tramadol for a headache. > > Your boyfriend, on the other hand, assumes he knows better than you how to manage your prescriptions. In fact, him hiding your prescription from you may in fact be illegal because it is prescribed to you, not him, and you are an adult. > > He also is acting paternalistic towards you, not as if you are an equal partner, also an adult, and just as capable of making sound decisions. > > Just a hunch, so tell me: when you first started dating, did he act like your drinking or smoking pot was bad? Did you feel bad about it when you were around him? Did you cut back at least in part based on his reaction to it? What does he act like now when you have that rare drink? Does he say anything or act differently? Or do you only do it when you're not around him because it's less complicated?

OOP

>>You're right on your hunch. Even my occasional drink has greatly diminished since dating him. Mostly because he just doesn't buy or keep alcohol, but sometimes if we go out, he'll tell me I can only have 2 drinks but not 3. And I do feel bad about it. He's also told me that if we met in college, he wouldn't have liked me because of my partying and there's no way we would have been friends.

Did OOP get her meds back?

>A lot of people have been asking if he returned it and the answer is no. We talked last night before we fell asleep, and then he was gone this morning before I woke up. I don't have any idea where it is, he hid it. I'm not going to be a crazy and tear apart the house looking for it. I don't even need it. The taking of it was the breach of trust for me, not that he took something I need.

Update - archive  Oct 15, 2016 (2 days later)

I really didn't think my post would garner so much attention. I guess what I learned from all your thoughtful comments was that I was right in thinking it was kind of a big deal, especially since my boyfriend doesn't know much about any kind of drug or medication from being strait edge. Also received some helpful discussion about migraines, so thank you for that.

When my boyfriend got home from work on the day I posted, I told him we needed to talk about what had happened. He maintained his position: he acknowledged he should have asked me first and apologized for hiding it. However, he said this was the first disagreement we've ever had where "he didn't feel like we were on the same side" ie we weren't discussing something and working it out, we were actually fighting about it.

He then said that he has come to the conclusion that we are too different, and that we should break up. I mean, I've known all along we are very different people, but we've been together for a while, and over all this time he's always told me it wasn't a big deal. That us being so different was what made us good together. That there wasn't anything we couldn't get through. This is a man that literally THE DAY BEFORE I found out about the medication was talking in detail about how we were going to get married.

He went to his parents for the weekend, which he had already planned on doing. He's coming home tonight. I've been home alone, boxing up my stuff in preparation to move out. I've already found a crappy place I can afford, and put the deposit down, but didn't fill out the paperwork. I told him if he's really 100% about us breaking up, then I'll go in on Monday and sign all the forms and be out of the house by next Saturday. It's definitely me who has to leave, because he can afford to live in our house by himself but I certainly can't. Also I'm not on the lease, but that might turn out to be a good thing. He said he's only 60% sure that he wants us to break up, but he "doesn't see any other option."

I know what you guys are all going to say-- good riddance, he was controlling, you'll be better off. But I'm really devastated. I'm not one of those people who ever thought they would 1) Live with another person 2) Get so close to another person 3) Even talk about getting married or having kids. Because of my past sexual trauma, I just assumed that I would go through life without another person. I was becoming okay with that. But then I met this guy, fell in love, and a lot changed. He really worked at getting me to trust him, and to talk about the future, and dream that there could be a future. Even though there have been incidents like this, for the most part it's been a happy relationship.

And now I have to just up and move. We're going to have to be no-contact... at least for me, you can't get that close to someone and then still be in contact after you break up. Essentially, I'm leaving his life permanently. I'm stunned that this has been the outcome of this episode. I've spent the two days he's been gone just in bed, sleeping or crying. Every time I try to pack up some stuff it's excruciating. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

And to make matters worse, my beloved grandma is in the hospital and her priest is giving last rites. I'm a wreck.

tl;dr: Discussed the incident with my boyfriend. He didn't think it was as big a deal as I did. Said we should break up. I have to vacate our house ASAP. Don't know how I'm going to make it through.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/congratsitsalie

Me [21F], Boyfriend [25M] of 3mo has lied about being adopted for (presumably) over ten years. Would I be nuts for staying with him?

Original Post  Aug 7, 2016

I've suspected his story ever since I met him, but I thought I was being unnecessarily skeptical/questioning of someones "traumatic" upbringing to have made a big deal of it. Until yesterday.

We were visiting his parents and I was making chit chat. As parents are prone to do, his mother started talking about when he was a kid. Which was odd because he told me he came to this country as 11, and was adopted by these people at 12.

I didn't call it out, but I asked some questions to verify for myself, like "Haha, wow, how old was he then?" and such. Boyfriend has obviously gone very, very quiet as we're talking. We had to leave shortly after, and I wait for him to make the first move when we're in the car. Which he does.

"I hate it when they do that, they fabricate my mothers stories and tell them as if it were their own."

"Where did they get the stories from?"

"Her diary."

"Where is that diary now?"

"In a bank box in the capital."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they don't want to tell people I'm adopted."

"No point in lying to me though, since I would obviously have been told."

"Yes well."

"I did notice that she never specifically mentioned herself in that story."

"Yes, see!"

We talked a little, mostly I was quiet, digesting it all. Thing is, I've always suspected his story to be BS, it's too improbable, too much sob. He's actually from USA, his real parents and brother died in a housefire, no relatives wanted him in, and he was abandoned in an airport here.

Before I left the car I told him that I'd love him even if his parents were telling the truth, and he went to work, late shift. When he came back, he told me the truth. Showed me his birth certificate and some photos. Told me (who knows, a story?) about why he's been lying for the last ten years. He was kicked out/ran away from home when he was 15 and lived in a friends basement for half a year. When there was talk of getting CPS involved, he lied, and has kept it up ever since. He even changed his very traditional name to an English one and explained it by saying his parents forcibly renamed him to make him fit in and he decided to take his name back. We talk English together because he says it makes him more comfortable. He told his parents and family he changed his name because he didn't like it.

I still mean what I said, I care for him even though he's been lying. I said it doesn't change the fact that he's a kind, hard-working, caring person, and I made the demand that he see a psychiatrist and that he just has to suck up the price because his mental health is more important (small edit: which he agreed to do). But is this nuts? He's wanted to buy a house since before we met, and we had a talk about how the house should fit us five years ahead. He visited his parents to show them the one he's set on. I really want some outsider perspective here, and I'm not ready to "expose" him by talking to my friends about this yet.

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tl;dr: Boyfriend has lied to everyone for ten years about being adopted when he's not, even changed his name to make it more credible, scale of 1 to Jesus Christ, Why On Earth: how crazy I am for being willing to look past this now that he's come clean to me and carry on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DonaldJDarko

> I don't think I would be able to get past that. He clearly has no problem lying to you and keeping up a very obvious lie. > > As a last ditch effort you could sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean by straight up asking him about it. I mean we get stories here occasionally from people who told what at the time seemed like a little lie that spiralled completely out of control. It's shitty, but people sometimes do stupid things when they're dating and in love. > > However, if he doesn't come clean after you straight up call him out on it, or if his reaction regarding admitting it is anything other than sincere regret, you should dump the fucker on the spot. If he isn't genuinely sorry or can't own up to it when specifically called out, he can't really be trusted because he clearly has no trouble telling blatant lies.

OOP

>> He had no problem lying to literally everyone, he made that clear when he changed his name. This is absolutely the case of a lie spiralling out of control, like you say. >> >> I don't think you saw that he did come clean, he did this on his own when it became clear that I was wise to it, I did not specifically call him out on it. He's already agreed to see a psychiatrist.

~

vengeance_pigeon

>My personal gut feeling is that he's still lying. His new story doesn't make much more sense than the old one.

OOP

>>You're right. I'll see if I can't get some verification on this one as well. If he's lying about his parents being abusive as well, I can't possibly stay.

Six in the morning, day two edit: scratch all that about trying to be understanding and shit. Turns out he IS a compulsive liar, and I barely know a single true thing about him. This is like The Sixth Sense where you've had a weird feeling all through the movie and at the end you get that "Aha!" Moment that explains everything. I'm currently at my friends house and honestly a little hungover, I'll make a proper edit later.

OOP Updated the post Aug 8, 2016 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE:

I had to drive over to his this morning to get my work uniform, and all my other stuff while I was at it. He keeps telling me we don't have to break up, he loves me and wants to change for me, he's gonna stop it, seek therapy, fess up to everyone. I have zero second thoughts about breaking up. All of these things are nice things to do, sure, but I'm not gonna stick around to watch.

Yesterday, after writing this and reading your responses, I went to visit him for his lunch break as we had already planned, and I asked him straight up, was there anything else he had lied about. He said no, nothing that he could think of. So I decided to help refresh his memory. Anything I had had doubts about, but never called him out on.

Other things he has lied about:

• Being sent to Afghanistan as his army service. He has never even been there.

• Owned part of a small business importing cognac. No, his dad did.

• He and his brother bought his parents their house. No, he just helped them put down the floors.

• Owns three cars, one he bought for his father and one for his brother. Just, no.

• That wine he served me on our third date was wildly expensive and amazing, something that had gone down as one of our "cute stories" because I later told him I didn't even like red wine. In reality it's a sorta nice one bought on holiday by, once again, his dad.

• !!!! Was inches away from death when his crazy stalker ex stabbed him in the lower stomach area, she was sentenced to six months forced psychiatric care. !!!! He is now saying that she did stalk and stab him, but it was only a flesh wound. He never even filed a police rapport. This is a story he told the first time we met, and it was absolutely horrifying the amount of gruesome detail I got. He has since repeated it several times while in my company, to my friends and his. And this is fucked up.

I'm still learning more, but I am ready to go no contact and have wiped my hands off of the whole relationship. I'm glad I found out now. A little conflicted on whether I should tell his parents, since I have no faith he'll do it on his own but I'm not sure their relationship could ever snap back from that.

FINAL COMMENTS

When asked to clear up the name, adoption and English speaking from the original post

>I changed a few tiny details to obscure our identities in case anyone he knows reads this, but I don't care about protecting his lies anymore. We're in Norway, he said he was adopted from UK. Changed his name to an English one when he was 21 and explained to people that it was his original name from before he was adopted, that his parents had renamed him to a Norwegian one when he came here. In reality, he's born and raised in the same little city as me.

OOP on why she never questioned anything

>It feels so terrible that these were such traumatic stories, that I wanted to help and support him because it was all so tragic, but you know, it's ... too tragic. And what are you gonna do, someone is practically crying from sharing intimate details and you say "Yeah, but, do you have any proof?"

And finally

>I updated my post with all the other things I've found out now he lied about, and yup. He only came clean when he got caught. I gave him the chance, and he refused it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ihopeudontfindthis

I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!deception, faking cancer, mentions infant death!<

Original Post  Apr 25, 2026

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

retteofgreengables

>One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. 

OOP

>>He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

~

Mother_of_brains

>Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.

OOP

>>If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.

UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

Update  May 17, 2026 (almost 4 weeks later)

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

FINAL COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom

>Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.

OOP

>>Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/WhichCommon

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 06, 2019

• Update: April 15, 2019

• Final Update: April 15, 2019

---

Main Post

^(April 06, 2019)

---

I found out that my (27f) husband (33m) rents a secret apartment with his friends

My husband has this group of friends, they’ve been close since college and they’re like brothers. So I’ve become pretty close with all of their wives. We have parties and everything together and all of our kids are like cousins. The wives are really sweet and we talk and carpool and baby sit for each other if we need.

So one of the girls texted me that she found out there’s apparently this apartment all the guys split up the rent for and go there whenever to get away from their wives and lie about going on work trips.

I know that sounds really fucking bad but there is no way she’s lying, she’s not like that. I know she’s telling the truth. And he does go on work trips and all that pretty frequently. But I always thought he was actually going for work. I feel so fucking dumb and confused and I just wanna call him up but I know I have to be smarter than that. He’s on a trip or whatever right now and I don’t wanna text him where he can take a couple hours to come up with an answer, I need to confront him in person

This has me so fucked up, I can’t even explain the emotions I’m going through right now. I have no fucking idea what to do. I am a house wife and I don’t have anything to do with the finances. He has a good paying job and I have a credit card and whatever I want, he’ll tell me if we can afford it or not and sometimes we talk about our savings but we really don’t have money problems so there’s no reason to talk about it in depth like that. So I had no idea about him paying for this apartment.

And I know they’re not doing anything innocent there. The most innocent thing they’re probably doing is some gambling and lying about leaving for work and just relaxing together. Worst thing is having affairs. Cheating once and making a mistake, I can deal with. I know they bring girls there, there would be no other reason to rent out a fucking apartment just to hang out.

I feel so confused and nasty and I don’t know what to do or how to bring it up. And if it’s true, what the fuck am I gonna do??? I didnt even finish my bachelors, we met when I was 18 and then we got married and I dropped out when I was pregnant. And we have two children, our daughter is 6 and the baby is 2.

I am trying to think of some innocent explanation, that she made a mistake or something I have no idea but I don’t know what to think. My hands are shaking and I feel this anxiety in my chest like I’m gonna have a heart attack or throw up and I couldn’t sleep last night and this is too much for me to handle

And I don’t know how to ask him. I am thinking of slyly bringing it up but I’m not slick enough for that, when he comes home on Monday I know I’m just gonna start crying. And if it’s not true, accusing him straight up is gonna be so bad and he’s gonna feel like shit that I don’t trust him or something

How do I ask him???

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Why did OOP decide to talk with the other wives before confronting the husbands?

> She hasn’t told her husband or any of the other girls yet because she wanted to check in with me first to see if I know anything or what I think we should do. (She thinks I’m good with stuff like this, I am not idk where she got that idea). > > Ok I guess I’ll see if I can get the girls together tomorrow and we can talk about it. But I need them to not tell their husbands yet, that’s the issue, some of them are fucking young and tell their husbands everything and idk they might freak out and just tell them.

---

Why doesn’t OOP think her husband would need a secret apartment just to get some peace and quiet?

> No we rarely argue. I let him do his thing, I understand he works a lot and he’s tired and I am really understanding of that and I never nag or make him do house work or play with the kids. Honestly I think I’m the perfect wife and I’m not even trying to brag or anything. I don’t bother him or complain about video games, sports or tv. I know he comes home from work and he’s tired and deserves time off when he’s home. And he’s the same way too, I get tired and he knows that so if his laundry isn’t done or the kitchen is still dirty at night, he knows I’m tired and he doesn’t nag me or complain that the house is dirty.

---

Why does OOP think the secrecy itself is more concerning than the money spent on the apartment?

> That’s what I’m saying. The worst part is that he didn’t tell me about it. That’s what makes me think the worst. > > And I wouldn’t care about the money either. Yeah we’re married and it’s our money but honestly he works he has more of a right to it so I can’t exactly be like “don’t spend your money like this”. So that’s not even a plausible excuse

---

What did OOP and the other wives eventually discover about the apartment?

> Hey, late responses are still encouraged > > I actually met up with some of the girls today, the one who told me about it thinks she found the address. She was going through some statements for something and her husband wasn’t home so she was just looking everywhere and came across some documents. Nothing locked up or hidden, they’re not evil geniuses after all, they just took us for a bunch of idiots. And I guess we are since we never realized. > > So we have the address, still deciding if we should show up or break in to see what’s inside and do our own inspection or idk. Someone commented something earlier about how they all probably already came up with a plan in case we find out and ask about it. There’s really no point in asking, it’s not like he’s gonna tell me the truth, he’s been lying this whole time, as if he’d suddenly become so truthful

---

Why is OOP hesitant to simply confront the husbands or try to catch them in the act?

> I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing first. I talked to some of the girls and we are just throwing ideas out there. None of us feel good about it. We’re not exactly enthusiastic to concoct a plan and catch them in the act. These are our husbands, our lives could change forever and I have children, it’s not as simple as just barging in and catching them red handed or putting on a movie about guys with a secret apartment and watching their reaction or starting a fight during a party and calling them all out. I’m trying to be smart about this and I don’t wanna do something and then change my mind later and decide something else was a better idea

---

Does OOP blame being a housewife for having no financial or educational backup?

> I would have finished college if I didn't get pregnant. Being a housewife isn't the problem, it's my fault I have no back ups

---

Update - after 9 days

^(April 15, 2019)

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Update to my (27f) husband (33m) having a secret apartment with his friends. He found out that I know about it and says it was innocent

Hey, update since a lot of people asked for it. I didn’t really wanna post one but here

So my friend who actually found out about everything was doing something with her taxes, I don’t know I’m not good with finances and all those technical terms so I don’t know exactly for what, she needed some files and her husband wasn’t home so she went looking around and found some documents with the address.

I had met up with some of the girls and we were brainstorming what we were gonna do. Everyone had mixed reactions, one of my friends didn’t even wanna be involved in it and told us to stop starting drama for no reason. We decided we would probably camp outside of the apartment and see if they bring girls with them or something, idk what we expected to find.

But my friend’s husband noticed that she moved papers around and so everything was busted. No secret mission. He told all the guys that we knew and it was over.

So my husband came home early from his “work trip”, sat me down and told me “everything” about it. He told me it was just a dumb spot to hang out and relax and they could be loud and annoying without bothering me and he was sorry for lying and keeping it from me. That makes no sense, I am 100% okay with him having his friends over and I never complain about noise or anything. A couple people in the comments brought up rent and that it’s financial abuse or something - it’s not a bad apartment, probably 1500 a month but split between 6 guys so it’s not bad.

I don’t really know what to do. I tried getting mad about it but he just took it and apologized and that didn’t help or make me feel better

I feel so fucked over and as if I’m overreacting like he’s acting calm and relaxed and I’m freaking out and it’s making me feel crazy.

We were so slow to act on it and she was messy and left foot prints and now we’ll probably never know the truth. He promised to show it to me next weekend but that’s not even gonna put my mind at ease, they could just clean everything up, get a few PS4s and TVs and pretend it was a guys hang out. I told him that I wanted to go that day but he said he was tired and just wanted to spend time with me and the kids but if I really wanted then he’d take me that night. I said that i was fine going next week. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I don’t know what to do. A part of me is thinking that if he was bringing girls there, at least I know now and he’s gonna stop and it’s over and we can forget about it. But I just wanna know the truth. He’s telling me they were just hanging out but how do I know he’s not lying? I wish we went over right when the girls and I found out, we waited for too long and it all got ruined.

I just feel dumb. He is acting so sweet and I can’t help but act okay with it, he’s being so nice. He knows he screwed up big time and he’s being really accommodating and taking care of the kids so I can relax and have some down time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what and I was coming up with all these theories and plans and ways to catch him or something and it all backfired.

I wish I never found out about it because I can’t stop thinking about everything, it’s torture. I am just wondering if he’s had sex with other women and how many and did he really fuck other women and then come home and have sex with me and I don’t even want him to touch my kids if he did sleep with other people.

But he’s my husband and I love him and he’s so good to me and my kids and I’m like, there’s no way he was cheating on me. The thoughts running through my head are horrible and I’m just visualizing everything and I don’t even know if it’s real so half of me is saying I’d be naive to think it was innocent and the other half is saying I’m overreacting and to just relax and he’s a good husband and I’m making something out of nothing

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

all4reddit > Get off Reddit and demand to go now. > > Call your other friends so that you can see things as a group. > > Having a secret apartment is not the actions of an innocent husband. > > doubtthat11 >> This is so weird. If was just a spot to watch sports and play video games...why not tell your spouse about it and show it to them? It's still a little weird, but "Honey, I'm watching the game with the guys at the apartment tonight," seems at least acceptable. Keeping it secret...is for someone in that group to fuck someone who isn't their spouse. >> >> warriorwoman96 >>> Actually I think its more likely this is drug related. >>> >>> OOP >>>> Ok I never thought of that but he had a problem with something a long time ago, but I got him in rehab and it’s been years and he seems fine now. I think I’m gonna faint seriously or my head is gonna explode

---

Final Update - after 9 days (after a few hours from last post)

---

Final update in comments

Ok another update. So I talked to him this morning, told him how I was feeling and that I can’t trust him and divorce is on the table because I don’t feel good about all this at all and he has to tell me the truth. He took me to show me that the apartment was nothing and it looked like a full ugly hang out. I did an inspection and made him leave me alone to look around and he let me. Didn’t find any condoms or sex stuff or anything like that.

I’m still mad that he’d lie about leaving for work. That’s really not okay.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

miooz > Erm...as if he'd leave 'condoms or sex stuff' lying around before bringing you there. He's not that stupid. And oh, he's suddenly so truthful and transparent now? Trust your guts, OP. Don't be naive. > > OOP (downvoted) >> Well he wasn’t going to take me. He said this weekend but I told him that he had to take me today and made him drive me. I know, I don’t wanna be stupid but I am starting to think that maybe he wasn’t cheating. He’s not a cheater, he’s really not like that and we have a great relationship. Maybe watching sports with his friends there, I could see but realistically idk if I believe that he’d cheat

---

Zahne1977 > How do you think he would react if the situation was reversed? > > OOP >> I would be in big trouble if I did this

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowAwayAccount4311

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 30, 2022

• Final Update: August 15, 2026

---

Main Post

^(September 30, 2022)

---

My soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

(Background: in my state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that when they are not together. It's an actual law and according to my lawyer one of the most popular passed in recent years)

I have a 1 month old son. His father filed for divorce earlier this year. My lawyer and me expected that custody would be 50-50 split, legal and physical in the next few months once I am done breastfeeding. This is what the court expected. My husband is aware of this law and he has a lawyer.

He rejected the 50-50 split time and asked for every other weekend only (excluding holidays) with me having physical and legal custody. Even after the court asked his lawyer to explain the law to him again he said he was sure. By his own submission he does not want to be the "primary" parent or make any decisions. and is fine with me having legal and physical custody while he gets a "little" visitation.

If we split custody there would be no child support because our incomes are fairly equal but he said he would rather pay me to be the primary parent. He also clarified that this isn't just for when our son is a small baby. The court thought he was concerned about our son being away from me when he was so little but my husband said 50-50 is too much time no chatter matter our son's age. He also told the court he doesn't want any time with our son in the next few months while I am breastfeeding (because he would be entitled to visitation then as well) and can start the every other weekend when I'm done.

The court can't make him spend time with our son so his request was granted. Mostly I'm just sad for my son that his father specifically asked for less time with him.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Was there another woman involved in why he didn't want 50-50 custody?

> Well the woman he left me for already kicked him to the curb so as far as I know he is single right now. I honestly did not expect him to decline 50-50 split in the first place.

---

Did he question whether he was the child's father?

> No but he did. He acknowledged paternity and signed the birth certificate and declined to have a paternity test when he was asked if he wanted one, as part of the custody hearing.

---

Did your husband want the baby, or was this an unexpected pregnancy?

> I got pregnant through medical intervention and IUI. So no baby trapping here. My husband talked me into the second round of IUI. He was on board until he met the other woman (who he isn't with anymore). > > He wanted kids. He was researching adoption and really wanted me to try another round of IUI before we went down the adoption road. After I got pregnant he met the other woman and ended up leaving me.

---

Final Update - after 3 years, 10 months, 16 days

^(August 15, 2026)

---

Update for my soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

My ex-husband left me for another woman. I was pregnant at the time. My divorce lawyer told me that in our state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that if they are not together.

Apparently it's one of the most popular passed in recent years. However my ex-husband ended up asking for less time with my son. It was in my other post here [which I completely forgot about until now] how heartbroken I was.

My son was a month old back then. He's turning four next week. My ex-husband has only met my son four times. The woman my ex-husband left me for went back to her husband so my ex ignoring my son had nothing to do with her. I'm grateful that my son doesn't remember his father because it would rip me apart if he was old enough to understand that his father doesn't want him.

I know the day is coming when my son realizes his father is a deadbeat and I'm dreading it because of how much it will hurt my son. I didn't remember posting here before but I was going to post to vent because I found out my ex-husband moved to another state. He moved 2500 miles away and I didn't tell me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given he doesn't care about my son. But I'm still furious. I'm angry, I'm heartbroken and I hate him.

He destroyed me when he left and I tried to put it aside for the sake of my son but my ex abandoned him too. I'm still seeing a therapist over it. I can handle being heartbroken but I don't want that for my son. I'm already sick thinking of the day my son realizes his father doesn't want him. MY EX MOVED 2500 MILES AWAY AND I HATE HIM. I hate him so much.

Also to all those who commented on my last post or sent me messages saying I babytrapped my ex-husband against his will or that I'm a gold digger: My son was conceived with IUI. I didn't trick my ex-husband into anything. He wanted kids, was fully on board with the IUI and he was also researching adoption in case we were not successful.

There was no babytrapping here. I work and wasn't "leeching" off him. If we had split 50-50 custody neither of us would have paid the other child support. My ex-husband has never paid any of his court ordered child support and I had a job for our entire marriage.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user anonymousaccount2411 in r/ offmychest

Original: Nov 26, 2025

Update: Dec 23, 2025

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: My sibling is in a "relationship" with AI and it's killing me inside because this is completely delusional

(I'm posting this anonymously because I can't deal with the jokes, or the vitriol from people like my sibling that I received when I mentioned this situation a comment.)

I have an older sibling. For several months my sibling has been talking about being in a relationship. Going to restaurants, on dates etc. The two of them even took an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. I was happy my sibling found someone. Everyone in my family was happy. We had no idea what was really going on.

Last month I had my 35th birthday. Myself and my family were supposed to meet my sibling's significant other. It's AI. My sibling isn't dating a real person. My sibling is dating AI and is delusional and believes it is a real relationship.

None of us saw this coming and by now my entire extended family knows too. My sibling has no history of mental illness or mental health issues. But my sibling is convinced that this is a real relationship, equivalent to a relationship between two real people. My sibling kept going on and about us meeting this "person". Everyone thought my sibling was dating a real person.

This is killing me and everyone else in my family because my sibling insists it is a real relationship and that the AI is a person, "just like you and me". My sibling gets furious when any of us refer to the AI as it. We don't know what to do. My parents are distraught and so are the rest of us. So is my extended family.

My sibling refuses to get professional help. It is killing me inside to see this happen. My sibling actually wants everyone to apologise to the AI for the mistreatment. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us because they are not prejudiced like we are.

I know people make jokes but this is serious. My sibling is in love with AI. We are scared because this is not normal. None of us know what to do because my sibling refuses to see how delusional this is. I haven't told anyone outside my family because I can't take anyone making jokes about my sibling but I had to get this out somewhere.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Sending you so much support, I have a friend who works in psychology getting her masters who said she’s seen this increasingly nowadays. That’s so tough to be on the outside of and I hope it all resolves well for everyone 🫂

>OOP: Thank you, I appreciate it. I am shocked to find out that there are many people in the same situation as my sibling. I had no idea about it before this.

Comment2: There’s a subreddit for it and it’s wild

>OOP: I posted anonymously mostly because of them. When I mentioned what was happening with my sibling in a comment (not in even in their subreddit) I received so much vitriol and threats that I had to delete the comment and turn off my messages. I had no idea people dating AI was a real thing and I was shocked to get so much hate.

Comment3: Your sibling is having a delusion. I am not an expert by any means in dealing with delusional disorders, but I do know that the advice I have read is to validate their feelings without validating their delusional beliefs..

Your siblings feelings are real even if the object of them is not. You may not be able to force them to get help, but you can get help for yourself maybe you and your family can consult with a mental health professional as to how to approach this. In any event I wish you all luck

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Update (month later)

There hasn't been a resolution. My sibling is still "in a relationship" with AI. Some people might make jokes about this but I'm distraught and so is everyone in my family. I love my sibling, and none of us saw this coming.

My sibling has no history of mental illness or previous mental health issues. It came out of nowhere. My sibling talked as though it was a real relationship, where they went on dates, went out to restaurants etc. The two of them even went on an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. There have been relationships with real people in the past so none of us suspected anything was wrong.

All of us have tried getting through to my sibling but nothing works. My sibling insists it is a real relationship and gets angry if anyone calls the AI "it". We're supposed to treat the AI as a real person. My sibling calls anyone who doesn't support the relationship prejudiced and says it's the same as people being against same sex marriage.

Anyone who says the AI isn't a real person gets cut off. My sibling isn't coming to Christmas and won't talk to us now. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us.

I can't believe my sibling cut me off because I believe AI isn't a real person. I probably won't post again, and I know this wasn't much of an update. I hope my sibling comes to their senses because this isn't healthy or normal. I still feel sick over it.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I dont love my wife, or hardly anyone in my life. Ever since I was a kid, I always felt kind of isolated, but still had friends. Every interaction with anyone in my life was just me pretending to be on the same page as the other or even care about the interaction. When it came to meet new people, I just picked up things from other people and did the same, just as simply as acting it out. At first, I simply thought that I was just introverted or something like that, but the older I got, the more I started to realize that I dont have any feelings for anyone.

Once I got into puberty, I started to get FOMO of missing out on the stuff other people do, so I started to go to parties and just acted like everyone else. When most of my friends started caring about girls, I did the same. I dated some but never truly went through with any out of both lack of care but also remorse to not waste the other persons time. But again, as I got into my twenties, I didnt want to disappoint my parents and just fit in, so I started dating.

Through one of my friends, I met my now wife and we dated for about 5 years before deciding to get married 3 years ago. To clarify, I never watched any videos on "how to date" anyone but simply picked up cues from friends and stuff by simply watching. I never had any intuition or feelings in that matter, as i said before.

The marriage is really happy, but everyday I get more remorseful. I like my wife in a way thats hard to describe but to really care for her, as bad as it sounds, isnt really possible for her. She doesnt know how I feel or lack thereof, nor does anyone else. I dont want to waste her whole life on being me, someone who just pretends to love her but I also dont want to break her heart right now since I think I am maybe in too deep. (We dont have kids yet, but she wants some). She likes me and I have gotten used to my daily life, our activities, which consist mostly of things she planned and likes to do. I rarely also pretend to like something and bring her with me to said thing, such as tennis for example.

During the last few weeks, this feeling has gotten bigger with a sense of urgency, that I cant waste her time anymore but I also dont even know if or how I should tell her?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Les1217

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

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Original Post: August 9, 2026

I need some genuine advice and reassurance. The rage I’m feeling right now is overwhelming and I need to lay this all out.

My husband (24M) and I (24F) moved to Alaska earlier this year after months of planning a 3,000-mile move. Back home, we had a very tight-knit friend group. My husband’s best friend, "Ralph," has been in a serious relationship with my friend, "Rachel," for two years.

Ralph moved up to Alaska first in January 2026 for work and stayed in crew housing. Ralph and Rachel made long-distance work, and we all assumed Ralph would get settled and eventually move Rachel up here.

When Ralph’s crew housing ended, he needed a roommate because of Alaska's high cost of living. My husband and I wanted our own married space, so living with him wasn't an option. Enter "Maggie"—a girl from back home in the military who was relocating to Alaska and shared a passion for aviation with the guys. Maggie and Ralph decided to rent a place together.

Rachel was uncomfortable with this from the start and worried about Maggie’s intentions. My husband and I constantly reassured Rachel, telling her Ralph loved her and would never cheat.

Once we moved up, we hung out with Ralph and Maggie. Maggie made a few odd comments—like "Ralph knows how I am" or "Ralph needs to get us a dining table"—but people back home told me, "that’s just how Maggie is." Whenever I brought up Rachel, Ralph said he planned to move her up soon. Maggie never questioned it.

The Red Flags Escalated

Over 4th of July weekend, Ralph and Maggie went camping together. I assumed Rachel knew, but Rachel texted me saying she was worried about Ralph camping "alone." I mentioned he was with Maggie, which revealed Ralph had lied to Rachel, claiming he was by himself with no service. Rachel was furious, but my husband and I calmed her down, thinking it was just a miscommunication. They talked it out, and I apologized to Ralph the following weekend for getting involved. He told me it was no big deal.

The Breakdown

The next weekend was my husband’s birthday. We all went kayaking and ended up at a bar. While the guys were loading the kayaks, Maggie and I went inside. I mentioned how much Rachel loved the photos I sent her of the guys.

Maggie looked confused and asked, "Who is Rachel to Ralph?"

I said, "They’ve been together for two years."

She asked, "Exclusively, or on-and-off?"

I said, "Exclusively. 100%."

Maggie completely spiraled. She revealed that she and Ralph have been sleeping together for two years. Before any of us moved, Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window. When they moved in together in Alaska, things escalated—Ralph began love-bombing her and sleeping with her regularly. Whenever Maggie asked about Rachel after seeing my texts or posts, Ralph told Maggie that Rachel was "a nobody" or to "mind her business."

Maggie was horrified. She didn't realize Ralph was in a committed relationship. She agreed immediately that Rachel needed to know and wanted him exposed.

When my husband walked into the bar, he could tell I was distraught and pulled me to the side. I broke down and told him everything. He stayed calm and told me we would tell Rachel together so I wouldn't have to carry this alone. Meanwhile, Maggie was so overwhelmed by the reality of what Ralph had done that she threw up at the bar.

Now I am sitting here carrying this explosive secret. How do I break the news to my best friend (who was set to be my bridesmaid) that her boyfriend of two years (my husband’s best man) has been leading a double life this entire time?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Personally, I think Maggie should be the one to tell her. Then they can confront the narcissist asshole together. If I were either of them, I wouldn't want to miss the look on his face when he walks in a room and they're with there waiting for him.

> OOP: Unfortunately Rachel was left back home 3,000 miles away. An in person confrontation is impossible. I don’t think Maggie has it in her to be the one to talk to Rachel. She feels so heartbroken by Ralph and she’s never met Rachel. I know it’s gotta be me who tells Rachel.

Commenter 2: Your husband sure this is the best man he wants? I mean…to have this kind of guy stand beside him while he’s making a commitment to you….not exactly in good taste is it. It takes a certain type of person to do what he’s done to two women no less. I would seriously be questioning having him in the wedding party at all.

That’s a nice way of me saying I wouldn’t.

This won’t stay secret for long if Maggie’s reaction is anything to go by. But Rachel has to be told. You can’t be her friend and keep this a secret from her.

Where are things now? Has Maggie confronted him?

If it ends up being you that tells Rachel, do it in a safe space. Let her know you love and support her and that you and your husband did not know. Though I will say from reading that your husband has reacted remarkably calm and seemingly unsurprised. It’s strange that this guy would be his best man, but your husband was in the dark about this huge thing he was doing.

And she’ll want to know if he’s in the wedding party. I hope you have a good answer for her.

> OOP: For context: my husband and I actually went to the courthouse to get legally married before our big move to Alaska. Next month, we’re flying back home for our actual wedding ceremony to read our vows and celebrate with all our friends and family. > > My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

OOP explains more about how Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window

> OOP: My husband and Ralph lived together through college. My husband was in the basement. He was shocked this happened.

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Update #1: August 10, 2026 (next day)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 and I just found out.

Update:

I woke up this morning on very little sleep, preparing myself for the hard conversation I knew I had to have with Rachel. When I finally checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from her and a single text: "He broke up with me."

My heart sank, but for a brief second, I thought Ralph had actually done the right thing and confessed. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I called her back immediately.

She was sobbing. The very first thing she asked me was, "Did you know?"

I replied, "I’m just glad he was the one who actually told you everything."

She paused. "What do you mean 'everything'?"

My stomach dropped. I asked her what he had actually said, and she told me Ralph simply said he didn't want to be with her anymore. No confession. No accountability. Just a coward's exit to protect himself before the truth came out.

I snapped and said, "He didn't tell you the truth."

I laid it all out: he had been cheating on her for two entire years with Maggie, and Maggie had no idea they were exclusive. Hearing her sob on the other end of the line completely broke my heart. After processing the initial shock, Rachel asked for Maggie’s phone number. She told me she didn't blame Maggie at all—she just wanted clarity and wanted to make sure Maggie was okay, too.

After we hung up, the reality of the rest of the situation hit us. Now, my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do about our wedding celebration next month. I’m in shambles.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

And on top of everything else... work is going to be incredibly awkward for the two of them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Respectfully you put fire and gasoline together….. how did you assure your friend for 2 years while he was sharing a living space with another woman , even though unintentionally you have all gaslight your friend to the moon and back , she will think you covered for him or smth . You need to cut him immediately also in 2 years she never visited?!?! How did he hide Maggie ?

> OOP: Maggie was always just known as a friend to all the guys including my husband. My husband and I were both reassured also by Ralph with multiple conversations. We had no idea this was happening. I never met Maggie until we moved up here. Maggie and Ralph have not been living together for 2 years. They moved in together when Ralph moved up here this year, so they had been living together for 4 months before we found out the truth. Yes everyone thought it was a red flag Ralph and Maggie living together but we were reassured by Ralph that it was a just friends basis. We had too much trust in Ralph and that breaks my heart. I hurt my best friend by telling her the worst news of her life. I’m not entirely coping well with all of it.

Commenter 2: All you can really do is try to support Rachel from afar as best as you can. It’s nice that you believe your husband has very strong morals, but I think whatever your husband decides to do about his friendship may be a good indicator of his true character.

> OOP: Agreed. I love and trust my husband with all my heart. IF he does decide to keep Ralph in the wedding then I know he and I will sit down and have a mature conversation.

Commenter 3: If your fiancé keeps Ralph as his best man, I’d question the man you plan to marry. A best man is supposed to guide and be of moral standing. Ralph is a liar, a manipulator - to all of you, for what? A double life? Your best friend Rachel, who is to stand up in your wedding not come and you’ll lose her completely. You’ll be complicit in the betrayal. It’s not a “I’ll support whatever decision my fiancé chooses” situation. Simple truth is Ralph can’t be involved anymore. Your soon to be hubs needs to step up and remove him from all wedding related events. Because if he chooses Ralph, he chooses the abuser, and what does that say about your future?

> OOP: I agree I will question a lot, but I also want this decision to be made by him since it is his wedding to and his side of the wedding party. He needs to have a good reason for what he decides. I guess I’m trusting at this point he will boot him out and do the right thing.

Commenter 4: I know you had no bad intentions, but you and your husband mismanaged that. You were vouching for cheater and liar, assuring his victim should not worry, based on nothing and while circumstances were very suspect. You apologized to him for telling his girlfriend truth while he lied? What the heck? You definitely failed your friend.

Now you are ok if your husband decided to stay friends with someone who has no morals and have him as best man, while his victim is supposedly your friend (and bridesmaid)? Wow, what a friend you are. Who needs enemies with friends like you.

> OOP: I was reassured by Ralph that is was a misunderstanding. I did fail my friend. I call her so much and she kept me updated on her relationship and how she was managing. I asked them both about how things were going constantly. Everything seemed great from both of them. My husband and I also encouraged Rachel to start prepping and applying for jobs to get her up here she did and Ralph supported that.

Commenter 5: Wait after all this you’d still have him in your wedding if your husband still wants him as best man?! I would think real hard before marrying a man that would want a person like Ralph around him after this.

> OOP: I don’t want Ralph in the wedding. I want my husband to make that decision because it’s side of the wedding party.

Commenter 6: Rachel wasn’t pissed at you for knowing “everything” and never telling her? You and your husband both suck, so hard.

> OOP: I told her the day after it happened. I couldn’t tell her right when it happened because of the time difference we have.

Commenter 7: I heard something that stays: friends of cheater need to normalize ( simplistic terms) the absolute boundary of cutting off all ties work and personal, not socializing in any group or one on one form bc it does and will allow excuses and the “ buts” as opposed to simply highlighting the deception and understanding that it seeped into all the relationships ; even when you can’t immediately see or feel it. It’s not the job of the group to make it right. If and when the cheater does, then there may be a space for the honest talks and reconciliation… but that is up to the cheater to do “the work”. Rarely, is there such introspection but one can hope, no?

I worry OP will fall victim to “kil* the messenger” situation…. Also- why in the world would your fiancé keep him as “Best Man” when that in of itself is highly ironic and just wrong. At the very least, how and in what aspect would you want him in your home and eating at your table let alone standing up at your wedding ceremony? Like let him eat; just not at your table; and definitely not your wedding cake. That’s totally hypocritical and if you did- you are literally supporting HIM .

> OOP: My husband was completely blindsided by his best friend and needed a minute to process the grief and shock before setting that boundary with him. I agree with you, and I have zero intention of supporting or excusing what Ralph did.

Commenter 8: Is Rachel in your bridal party or attendee at wedding? Does everyone in your circle know everything? Words are one thing, it’s actions that prove intentions, character and doing the right thing…. What if your fiancé’s actions do not align? Lots to unpack.

> OOP: Rachel is my bridesmaid. Everyone in the circle back home is just starting to know Rachel is telling anyone and everyone that they are over and what a scumbag he is. I want my husband to make the decision himself with no influence based on what I want. It’s his wedding too. I’m hoping and praying he boots him. We will have a mature conversation and talk like adults if he decides otherwise.

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Update #2: August 10, 2026 (same day, nearly four hours later)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Update:

I’ve read a lot of comments and WOW. I’m aware I let Rachel down. I unknowingly supported a cheater and a liar for years. But I also didn’t know this was going on. I feel gross though.

For everyone claiming my husband had to know because they lived together back in college—my husband and I were doing long-distance while he was focused entirely on his degree and our relationship. I was focused on my education and being an athlete. Ralph lived on a completely different floor of the house, while my husband stayed down in the basement.

My husband is the type of guy who minds his own business and focuses on his own life. He wasn't tracking who was sneaking through Ralph's bedroom window on the floor above him, nor was he keeping tabs on Ralph's guest list. Ralph hid his double life from everyone, including his absolute best friend. My husband genuinely did not know.

I’ve been checking on Rachel constantly and just being there for her. We talked. Her and Maggie have been talking over the phone. Both getting clarity and digging through every lie Ralph told both of them. I’m glad they are able to support each other.

Now onto the update.

My husband just called me from work and told me Ralph had pulled him aside to talk right when they got in this morning. Ralph apologized for lying to him all these years and for hurting everyone involved.

My husband then told me the boundary he set: Ralph is officially out of the wedding party. He told Ralph he is still invited to attend the ceremony that’s it but not the reception, and he will not be standing by his side as best man.

Honestly, I wasn't prepared for how heavy that decision would feel. My heart broke for my husband. Ralph was his best friend—the guy he trusted most—and seeing Ralph destroy that friendship and break his trust has been devastating. As hard as it is to process, I know my husband made the right call. He’s completely drained and told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore for now.

He did mention one last detail: Ralph said he wants to talk to me and apologize, but my husband told him to back off and give me space because of how furious I am about what he did to Rachel.

Ralph was like a brother to me. I genuinely believed he looked up to our marriage, and I fully believed Rachel was his endgame. Realizing how wrong I was about him has made me feel like I never actually knew him at all.

I want to clear something up for the people commenting that my husband and I "must have known." We genuinely had no idea. If we had known anything, Ralph would have been cut off and out of our lives a long time ago, and Rachel would have known the truth immediately.

Even knowing we did the right thing once we found out, I still feel a heavy sense of guilt for being so blind to it all. My husband actually called Rachel to personally apologized the other night for not seeing through Ralph’s lies sooner and for defending him when red flags popped up.

Rachel has our complete and absolute support. I honestly braced myself for her to need distance from me—I was terrified she might associate me with Ralph's behavior or resent me for not catching on sooner.

Surprisingly, that hasn't happened at all. She made it clear that our friendship is solid, and she still fully intends to stand by my side as my bridesmaid next month. In fact, she even joked about bringing Maggie as her date to the wedding just to rub it in Ralph's face.

I am forever grateful for her grace and for our friendship. This entire ordeal has been a nightmare, but seeing who really shows up for each other when the dust settles has meant everything.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Your husband did not do the right thing. He is still friends with the cheater, and he invites him to your wedding. How is that doing the right thing? What is your heart breaking for?

So both of you are the most blind, unaware people, with not ability to draw conclusions from things you did not and still were convincing Rachel he is not cheating, despite both having reasons to believe so and tons of signal to the opposite. And making no effort to check (having 5 minutes convo with Maggie would suffice).

Great job. Keeping fingers crossed for your marriage with ‘cheater’s best friend’ and for Rachel to find a better friend (maybe she already did in Maggie).

> OOP: Ralph is not invited to the wedding anymore. My heart broke for my husband because he spent years trusting a best friend who turned out to be a sociopathic liar to everyone—including us. We weren't "convincing" Rachel of anything malicious; we were operating on the assumption that a close friend wouldn't lie to our faces. Once I had real information from Maggie, I told Rachel the truth. Rachel knows my heart, knows we were manipulated too, and is still standing up as my bridesmaid.

Editor’s note: marking this concluded and OOP has deleted their account

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I’m 34M, my girlfriend is 32F, and we’ve been together three years. A few days ago I found out she’d been seeing another guy, 35M, for about eight months. I stopped by a bar we both go to fairly often, alone. The bartender and I know each other enough for small talk, and while I waited on a drink he asked if my girlfriend was coming later. When I said no, he mentioned he’d seen her in a few nights earlier with someone else and asked if everything was okay. It wasn’t dramatic, just an offhand comment. I brushed it off at first. That night I brought it up with her. She got quiet, then admitted she’d been seeing someone. She said it started during a rough stretch last year and she kept putting off ending it because she still wasn’t sure what she wanted. The other guy knew I existed. She had told him we were basically broken up and still sorting out the practical parts of our lives. A couple of days later he messaged me after she told him I knew. We ended up on a short, awkward call. Neither of us trusted what the other was saying, and most of the details she had given each of us didn’t line up, but enough overlapping pieces matched that it was clear she had been maintaining both relationships at the same time.

What stuck with me most was how completely normal she had acted with me the whole eight months, including talking about possible vacations and whether it made sense to move in together. Nothing felt off while it was happening. She’s been texting since, saying she wants to explain everything in person. She knows she handled it badly but doesn’t want three years to end like this. I haven’t answered because I can’t tell whether sitting down with her once would give me any real closure or just pull me back into something I already know I can’t trust.

Would you meet her once to hear what she has to say, or is there nothing useful left to discuss?

My bf and I have been together for 3.5 years and we have a really good sex life. Like the title says my bf was hanging out with a friend and she asked him if we wanted to have a threesome. I’ve known for a while that she has a crush on my bf but now it’s officially out in the open. She told him she has a crush on me too but I definitely feel like her crush is much more on my bf. I’ve never had a threesome before and it sounds hot but also I think I would get too jealous seeing my man in another woman. I also think bc she openly has a crush on him it would just end up super messy and I definitely am not down to have an open/poly relationship. Has anyone had a threesome in their relationship and did it work out for you? Was jealousy an issue at all? My bf is leaving the decision up to me bc he thinks it would hot to see me getting extra attention but also understands the potential jealously.

We’re currently on day 3 of no contact and it’s still eating at me. We’ve been together for a total of 8 years. I was away from home for 2 weeks for work, I came home and he acted like everything was normal, we even had sex the night i came back. A week later, when i woke up in the morning and wanted to scroll on instagram but my phone was dead so i grabbed his. Mind you, i almost never go through his phone because i believe in privacy and wouldn’t want him snooping through mine. While i was scrolling however, i saw his mom texted him and i clicked on it. It brought me to his home screen of messages and i saw an unsaved number with the most recent message asking the person if they want to hang out at 3am. I clicked on it and discovered it was a stripper he gave his number to. They had a small, cute conversation about the time they had, but She left him on read when he asked her to hang out that night, so to my knowledge they never hung out or actually had sex. I had zero clue he went to a strip club when i was gone and we talked before how i don’t feel comfortable with him going to one with his friends.

I confronted him, he tried to pull every lie to cover it up in the book, but after an hour of me melting down he finally admitted he went to a strip club and he messed up. I’m absolutely shell shocked. I feel vile on the inside that he would do this to me, and act like everything’s fine when he got back. His reasoning was “I get horny i’m sorry and your the only girl i’ve been with and i wanted to have fun with my friends and fit in”

I moved out of our place the very next day and live with a friend, who said i could permanently stay here.

We have a very active sex life. I almost never say no and we have sex usually once a day unless i’m on my period, but even then i find other ways to satisfy him. I initiate sex too, so it’s not like he should feel neglected in my perspective. He’s also allowed to watch porn if i’m truly not in the mood and he needs to get it out of his system.

I’m so shell shocked by this. I loved him to death but i don’t think i could ever forgive this. I don’t want to lose our marriage to the point i almost wish i didn’t find out. I believed he was the love of my life, but i feel so betrayed, lied to, and backstabbed. How could he do this to me? I’m someone who’s loyal to bone. I would anything for him.

I told all of my friends and family and even told his mom that we were splitting. I don’t even know what to think or where to begin processing this.

My dad told me that when men are young they do dumb things and a strip club is something a lot of married guys do, but it doesn’t mean anything beyond looking and enjoying themselves, and my husband still probably loves me. but now that he said that i feel even more awful that this could be the nature of all guys because i don’t feel good at all that another girl in lingerie was sexually entertaining my husband

update:

I am at work running off of 2 hours of sleep reading as many comments as i can. I wasn’t expecting this post to get more than 3 or 4 responses so thank you everyone.

Some people are mentioning that reddit isn’t the place for this situation but you don’t understand how much your advice is helping me right now. Based on what my dad said i was starting to lean on the side of he’s just a man and wasn’t thinking straight. And maybe our relationship shouldn’t be discarded because of this. But now i am reading the comments repeat the situation 100+ times that he went out of his way to try to cheat on me. And while it’s making me more nauseous and devastated it’s what i need to hear. I’m also being reminded my dad was never a good father or husband to my mom and his advice isn’t good.

For anyone wondering, no, i’m not going back. I don’t consider myself to have a lot of self esteem but there’s just no way i can do this to myself and try to save my marriage. You guys made me realize it’s not my fault, which before i posted this i was constantly thinking “what could i have done better to prevent this?” The answer is nothing.

I’m going to live with my friend, she is the most supportive person i know. Me and my (ex)husband thankfully don’t share any major assets. We have a couple months left on our lease for our apartment (we were planning to buy a house this spring…) so today i am going to call the leasing office to see what i need to do to get my name off. I’m also going to schedule an appointment to get screened for STD/STI’s.

My world has been flipped upside down. I will let myself process this a little more and once my adrenaline settles down over the next few weeks i will start looking into initiating divorce. For now i will keep no contact with him. I’m so disgusted with him and i feel like i never actually knew who he was.

I can’t thank you all enough. For now i’m going to set my phone down and try to distract myself with work. Major hugs to the strangers of reddit.

EDIT/UPDATE AT END

I F(19) live with my mother F(51) and little brother, who recently turned 13. My mother and I have a complex, tumultuous relationship due to my continuous need for independence. We argue constantly because she wants me to stay home and live under her, while I have the desire to break free and live my life the way I want to, etc., etc., teenage girl jargon.
This is where my little brother comes into play. He recently turned 13, and the looming issue of where he’s going to sleep at night has come back. Since my brother was born, he’s been sleeping in my mother’s bedroom. Even when my father was still living with us, my dad would sleep in the bedroom meant for my brother while my brother slept with my mom. For the first couple of years of his life, it was normal because he was a small child, and both me and my older sister spent our early years sleeping in the same bed as her. But as he grew, it became more concerning.
Arguments between my mom and dad would spark up over this situation (it had become one of the driving forces for him eventually leaving), and it became more and more weird to everyone. And before anybody asks, no, my brother doesn’t have any mental or physical disabilities or anything that would cause the need for him to sleep with my mom. AND my brother has expressed desires to have his own bedroom and space, obviously, as any teenage boy would.
The issue is what I believe to be my mom’s overbearing personality. She outwardly refuses to let him sleep in his own bedroom, excusing herself by saying my brother’s her only son and her youngest, and she doesn’t want to rush him.
As of our recent argument, I had yelled at her and told her, “I’m not gonna live up underneath you like [brother’s name]. He’s 13 and still sleeping in the same bed as you,” and her response to that was, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”
ATP, I’m stunned, and I’m unsure what to do or say. It makes me uncomfortable to admit, but the whole situation, to me, tethers the lines of emotional incest. Honestly, I’m not sure what to ask, but I’m coming on this subreddit seeking advice on the best way to approach this situation.

UPDATE
I’ve read all of your comments and took into consideration everyone’s advice. I wanted to give context into why my siblings (brother [13] & sister [25]) slept with my mom as children. Like I said in the comments, my father is emotionally, physically, and financially abusive and has a long history of cheating on my mom, so their sexual chemistry is dead. My parents haven’t slept in the same bed since before I was born, and that was mostly my mom’s doing. If she had us sleeping in bed with her, my father wouldn’t pester and coerce her into having sex. When I said my father had left, I mean as of recently, before my brother turning 13, so my mother has only had a couple of months of not having to deal with my father’s sexual exploitation. So I’m assuming she’s being slow to adapt to the new? She’s so used to this living predicament to protect herself from being sexually exploited and she doesn’t quite know how to fix and change what she’s been doing for 20ish+ years. But besides that, my sister and I have spoken to my brother and explained to him this isn’t okay and he needs space to grow as a boy and let him know that he has the support from me and my sister. Not to give up too much personal info, but my sister has training to deal with children facing sexual assault and has multiple years of experience, so she also spoke to him and let me know that she too doesn’t believe there are any signs of SA. As of about the sleeping situation currently right now, I’m fixing up his bedroom for him to sleep tonight and waiting for it to be his bedtime. My mom seemed reluctant but not a full no, so I’m waiting to see what her reaction to it all will be tonight. If it’s bad I will 100% escalate the situation and call CPS, I’ll try to keep y’all posted!

UPDATE #2
Good news, my brother spent the entire night sleeping in his bedroom! I was kinda nervous fixing up his bedroom and asked my sister to be there to help me navigate this. At first, my mom was really, really, really apprehensive, telling me and my sister to stop pressuring my little brother to sleep in his bed, along with other things. It had become a slow-talking back and forth to get him into his own room. I think what we were doing reminded her of our father, who had previously tried to force and intimidate my brother into sleeping alone when he was younger. It took me and my sister encouraging my brother to tell my mom how he really feels for her to soften up and finally let go. She apologized for how she's been acting, and once my brother fell asleep, opened up more to me and my sister about our father. For her own privacy, I don’t want to delve into what she said, but based on everything I've said, you can assume. My brother’s room is a little shabby due to the fact that it's never really been properly used, but he slept fine. I also promised him if he stood his ground in his room, I'd help decorate and buy things for it. He likes Sonic and video games, so if anybody can give me ideas on what to get, that’d be great! Reading back on other comments, I genuinely do think I need to get my brother therapy. I know my sister goes to therapy (and I’m in need of it too, probably), but I'm not quite sure how to get this arranged, so I'd appreciate advice on that too. Because it’s not just the situation with my mom I think is traumatic for him. I think it's our entire family dynamic that is going to alter how he is as a person if I don't seek him help. And about therapy for my mother, I mean she tried that years ago when things with my dad were really bad but she just stopped and idk why, maybe due to a lack of money or time or just not believing in it, like I said my mothers Caribbean and even tho we don't live in the Caribbean she still carrys those cultural beliefs that mental health is taboo and you don’t see therapy unless you're “crazy” so idk how to convince her to go out and do that lol. But anyways I consider this to be a success? Idk I think I made a break through, my brother is in his own room, and I didn't have to completely break up my family and lose all parental support lol, and it was easier on me because I had help from a real adult (my sister) given her experience. Thank you guys for all the advice even if I didn't agree with all of it, it gave me a lot of perspective on the situation and made me move more urgently

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA7262712 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th August 2026

Update - 15h August 2026

Been together for 3 years and still haven't had intercourse.

I love my girlfriend 21F but I feel stuck and need advice 23M. I (23M) have been together with my girlfriend (21F) for 3 years. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 20.

Overall, our relationship is genuinely good. We love each other, we get along very well, and when we have disagreements we usually talk about them and solve them. I honestly see a future with her and I don't want to lose the relationship.

The difficult topic is intimacy.

Neither of us had sex before this relationship. I have always respected her boundaries and I have never wanted to pressure her. I don't constantly ask for sex, and I don't believe she owes me anything. When she says no, I stop.

The only sexual intimacy we have had is that she sometimes gives me handjobs and I massage/touch her. She enjoys it and seems comfortable with me, but we have never had intercourse.

The reason is that she is scared it will physically hurt. She told me she has never put anything inside herself before, and whenever things get closer to that point she becomes scared and pulls back.

I always reassure her that I will be gentle and that we can stop at any moment, but we have never really gotten close because the fear comes back.

The reason I am struggling now is not because I want to force anything. It is because after 3 years I feel stuck and unsure what to do. I want that deeper level of closeness with the person I love, and sometimes I start wondering if she is not attracted to me or if I am doing something wrong.

About 2 months ago I sat down with her and honestly told her that this situation has been affecting me. We both got emotional because she thought I was going to break up with her. She told me that she feels like the time is coming soon and that she believes it will happen in the near future.

The problem is that I have heard similar things before, so I struggle to believe it now. I don't want to pressure her, but hearing "soon" without anything changing has become difficult.

We have also had situations where we had privacy. For example, we were alone in a hotel for a week, and my parents have been away for weeks before. She has mentioned that we are never really alone or that we don't have the right moment, but even when those situations happen, nothing changes.

Something else that confuses me is that sometimes she actually initiates intimacy herself. She will start things, I respond, and then sometimes she suddenly changes the topic and starts talking about work or random things. I ask if she wants to stop and she says no, and we continue, but I don't always understand what is happening in her head.

Another thing that has started bothering me is that I sometimes feel like there is an imbalance in the relationship. I always try my best to listen to her, support her, respect her boundaries, and make her feel comfortable. I do this because I love her, not because I expect something in return.

But when it comes to something that is important to me, I sometimes feel like my feelings get pushed aside or delayed. I know she is not doing this intentionally and I don't believe she owes me sex, but emotionally it sometimes feels like my needs are less important. I don't want this feeling to turn into resentment because I love her.

I want to make it clear that I don't blame her. I want her to feel safe and comfortable, and I would never want her to do something she isn't ready for. But I also have feelings, and recently I noticed myself becoming more distant and less talkative because I feel frustrated and I don't like that.

For people who have been in a similar situation: how do you balance being patient and supportive with your partner's fears while also dealing with your own emotional needs? Did this kind of fear get better with time, or did you eventually have to accept that you and your partner wanted different things?

I would really appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

Comments

kmsnova

Is she in therapy? It sounds like she would benefit

>OOP: She told me that she wants to try it but nothing happened at the end.

kmsnova

There's only so long you can wait. 3 years is a long time. It seems like she has quite bad hang ups or maybe even trauma around this. If I were you I'd maybe have a conversation and make it clear that you really want to support her but you need to see some type of effort on her end (like therapy), because I doubt this is the type of thing that will go away on its own given how long it's been.

>OOP: I think you're right that after this long, it probably won't just disappear on its own.

Positronomy

If it’s been three years there’s not much else you can do other than keep waiting or breakup. If going another 3/4 years without sex is a problem, you should probably break up.

>OOP: Yea my friends also told me the same thing I just dont know about a breakup. Its my first relationship and im clueless honestly

MITEVOLI

Some people have different sexual appetites. It also sounds like for whatever reason, she has a complicated relationship with sex. Any history of abuse or molestation?

You have done a good job communicating your feelings. She has said hers. I think you meed to decide if this is a deal breaker? It’s okay if it is. She may have sex and never like it, she may have sex and love it. Until she is comfortable with taking the next step the imbalance in the relationship is not fair to either of you.

There is nothing wrong with sex There is nothing wrong with not having sex The two simply do not match

>OOP: I actually didn't mention this in the post, but her ex did try to touch her in ways she wasn't comfortable with, and he would get upset and stop talking to her when she said no. I have always tried to do the opposite and make sure she feels safe and respected, but I do wonder if that experience is part of why she is afraid now.

Update - 9 days later

Update: Long story short, we planned to go to a hotel for a few days, and I booked everything yesterday. She said she couldn't come because her grandma was feeling bad. I told her that it was okay, but I was really sad since I couldn't cancel or change the booking, so we argued a bit. She said she was going to the toilet, and around 3 AM, she told me that it wasn't going to work and broke up with me out of nowhere.

When I woke up, she had already changed her profile everywhere and blocked me on every platform, even my number, without explaining what the actual fuck I did wrong. I have absolutely no clue what the fuck to do. I'm lost and devastated.

Comments

Trojanw0w

Man, I'm sorry. Getting blocked on every platform at 3 AM after three years is a brutal way to find out it's over.

For what it's worth — this almost certainly wasn't about the hotel, and it wasn't about whatever you think you did wrong that night. Nobody nukes every line of contact over an argument about a booking. People do that when they've been carrying something heavy for a long time and finally hit a wall, and the blocking is there so they don't have to explain themselves. Whatever was going on for her around intimacy, it was hers, and she clearly couldn't put words to it with you. That's why "soon" kept coming and nothing ever changed.

That doesn't make it hurt less. You were patient, you never pushed, and you still got left with no answers. You're allowed to be angry about that and not just sad.

Practical part: don't chase her. No new accounts, no messages through friends. If she ever wants to explain, she knows how to reach you. Right now your job is to eat, sleep, see people who like you, and let yourself grieve — three years is real and this is a real loss. And this says nothing about you as a partner or as a man. Nothing. Goodluck fam. Be kind to yourself.

>OOP: Thank you for the really kind comment, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly, I'm not even angry at her. I'm just really sad and completely lost. I just don't understand why she had to completely nuke everything and block me everywhere without even explaining what happened or what I did wrong. That's the part that's hurting me the most. After three years together, waking up and suddenly having no way to contact her or even understand why this happened is just devastating. I really wish I could at least understand what was going through her head.

Ok_Caterpillar_8238

It's because she knew she didn't want to, but she refused to tell you that straight up. When it became inescapable she did the only thing she thought she could do.

grimmwerks

You stated before that you feel your feelings are less important than hers. She just proved that. Remember that when she wants to explain.

candlep0p

Maybe it's a blessing being broken up instead. Even if you get back together, are u ok with the possibilty of having 0 intimacy, for longer than you want it to be? Or at least, until being commited as in married?

>OOP: Yes, honestly, I would have been willing to wait until marriage. I loved her enough that I could have waited. But this never came up.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Lanky_Beyond1948

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!rape, possible CSA, sexual assault/domestic abuse!<

---

Original Post: August 7, 2026

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting really erratic this entire year. For context we’ve been married 3 years.

His father passed away at the beginning of the year. We stayed with his mom for about a month and a half to help her with everything that needed to be done and to support her emotionally. After we finally came back home, my husband started acting… different.

At first it was mostly these aggressive, cruel “jokes.” For example, I love watching the birds in our backyard and sometimes I whistle at them to get them to come closer. One day he told me, “Stop whistling at them, they’re going to want to fuck you.”

Another time I was organizing our pantry, and he saw some cucumbers I had bought and said, “Why do you buy cucumbers? To stick them inside yourself? To pleasure yourself?”

If we’re out somewhere and another woman compliments my hair or my outfit, he’ll spend the rest of the day calling her my “girlfriend” and making comments about how apparently so many women want to fuck me.

There have been so many comments like this. I’ve suggested therapy because it feels like he’s taking all of his anger out on me. He says he doesn’t need therapy because he knows he needs to change and can do it himself.

What makes it harder to understand is how different he is with his mom. He is constantly there for her. He listens to her, comforts her, lets her talk about everything she’s feeling. Then he’ll hang up the phone and become cold and mean with me almost immediately. I don’t understand why he’s so angry at me.

Last night things got much worse. He initiated sex. I didn’t really want to say no because I know how upset he gets when I reject him. He’ll also tell me that he feels unwanted, and then I end up feeling guilty. So we continued.

But this time felt completely different from every other time we’ve had sex. He has always been affectionate and careful with me. Last night there was none of that. When I looked at him, all I could see in his face was anger. Almost hatred. His movements were so rough that he was hurting me. I was actually scared to tell him that he was hurting me.

Eventually I pushed him off me and said, “I’m hurt.” I specifically said it that way because I was afraid of sounding like I was blaming him. Then I started crying. And while I was lying there crying, he grabbed my hand and put it on his dick because he wanted me to help him come.

I can’t really explain the disgust and anger I felt in that moment. I was literally crying in front of him, and that was what he was thinking about? I immediately pulled my hand away. He laughed and said, “You escaped!” I just kept crying as he went to take a shower and then went to sleep.

He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t ask if I was okay. Nothing. I’ve never felt so disgusted or objectified by anyone before. Let alone my husband.

His comments and “jokes” had already been making me extremely uncomfortable, but after last night I feel like something in me just broke. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. Right now, the thought of him touching me again makes my skin crawl.

Has anyone experienced something like this with a partner, especially after they experienced a major loss? Can grief actually explain this kind of personality change? Before he did make some jokes and comments, but never to this extreme level.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Perspective, advice, maybe just someone telling me what they would do in my position. Anything would help.

EDIT: Thank you so much for all the messages and comments with resources and advice. Really, from the bottom of my heart. I just want all of you to know I’m safe and away from him, I will update on everything later. But I did want everyone that has been so kind and worried to know I am not with him anymore.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses and posted the same original post in another subreddit, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Can OOP get away or stay with someone?

> OOP: I live in another state away from all my friends and family. We don’t have friends here but I’m trying to come up with a plan to get some space away from him. I’m scared of this escalating even more.

Commenter 1: Context question. Had he ever acted like this, even if it was just glimpses?

> OOP: He had never been physically aggressive, this is the first time. He has made cruel jokes about me since we got married. It started with calling me clumsy, not letting me use scissors because of it. Saying he doesn’t know how I’ve survived without him because I lack survival instincts etc. Whenever I’ve tried to call him out, he says he’s joking and I’m too sensitive to take jokes. I don’t know how we end up in conversations that last hours and the conclusion is that I’m the one at fault for whatever I feel.

OOP on grasping on the signs of abuse when in therapy and her husband's response about seeking therapy

> OOP: There are many things I started to notice after I started therapy, and I was struggling to call it abuse. But after yesterday I can’t stay with him, trust, respect and my sense of safety are broken. > > I don’t know if all birds, but I started noticing some lovely birds in a tree in front of my window, the started singing and I tried to imitate them, and they answered back. Now whenever I do, they come and it makes me so happy. > > + > > I have tried to talk to him, but he gets very angry and offended if I suggest therapy. The government even offered to give all of the family therapy after my FIL’s passing, and no one wanted to take it. They “don’t believe in therapy” > > + > > I started therapy as soon as he refused his. That’s how little by little I started seeing the “jokes” and all the verbal attacks. I kept wondering if I should leave or stay but after what happened yesterday I don’t think I can stay much longer. I can’t bare to see him.

Commenter 2: I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how scared you feel. Grief can definitely make people react badly, but this doesn't seem like that. He's getting pleasure from you being scared. He's sexually harassing you. I have no idea why he is behaving this way if this truly only happened after this father died because being angry and snapping at you would be one thing. But this is sexual assault and sexual humiliation. There's no explaining that away. I hope you have friends or family near because you need to get away from him. He is escalating his behavior, and it sounds like you could be in real danger. Don't think about him or his feelings or anything right now, just think about yourself and getting yourself safe. You don't deserve this.

> OOP: It’s hard not to think about his feelings and how depressed he seems to be but I’m very scared since this keeps escalating and I will not let him touch me again. I’ve never felt so humiliated and objectified in my life. We leave alone in a state away from both our families, I’ve been in touch with some friends by text and I’ll try to come up with a plan to distance myself from him. Yet like I said it’s hard not to feel bad for leaving him when he needs help.

OOP on her MIL's behaviors when her husband was growing up and their sex life

> OOP: I can’t even begin to tell you how many things I’ve thought that kept me there trying to help him. > > Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes. > > I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life, and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable and he called me prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?” > > I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visits him or he visit her, he sleeps on her bed, despite mi FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she calls the nephew so they can chat though dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without Face Timing the kid to be able to speak together. She’d just laugh and ignore him. > > + > > Before his dad’s death I thought we were close. But lately she loves to tell my husband all the things she doesn’t like about me. My appearance (I’ve gained a lot of weight since we married), my hobbies, my cooking (he doesn’t eat anything more than chips sandwiches and pizza, anything I cook he just cuts and doesn’t eat) and my inability to “take care” of her son. So she’s not an option. I’ve been speaking with some friends today to see what I can do. In the meantime I’ll try to keep things easy going and calm, I’m scared to provoke another angry reaction.

The relationship between OOP's husband and his father before FIL's passing

> OOP: I can only speak of what I saw, can’t be certain of the experiences of his kids and wife since you could ask anyone outside our marriage and they’d tell you my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most gentle man. > > In my experience he was very loving to his wife, although it wasn’t the same the other way around. He could be reactive as in, shout or get upset in a discussion and leave a room, but he was never cruel. He was very generous, had a hard life but worked hard to be a good father and husband. He treated me as a second daughter and would keep everyone in the house in check. Would tell my husband if he ever did anything to me, he’d take care of him. And would prompt him to act like a husband and not a little kid due to his relationship with his mom. FIL and MIL would bicker a lot and have very different points of view in many ethical dilemmas. I miss him deeply. My parents adored him too.

Does OOP have kids with her husband?

> OOP: We don’t. I was trying the first two years but especially after this year, seeing some of his family dynamics after FIL’s death and him escalating I’ve been very careful to avoid getting pregnant. I chose him but I would never forgive myself if my kids were treated like that.

Any chances that MIL is accusing OOP of cheating and other things, and if her husband is agreeing with his mother

> OOP: A while ago I went on holidays with my parents, and he was included on that plan, but he preferred to stay with his mother. After that he did tell me several things she’s criticized about me. My hobbies, my appearance, my inability to take care of him… > > + > > Now looking back… there were some behaviors I decided to ignore. Once she told me that she knew I loved my (then) boyfriend, but I would never love him more than her. That nothing was greater than a mothers love. Or when we had our engagement party and he referred to me as “his soulmate” she interrupted “but you had a mom first!”. I can give more examples, but I thought she was just a bit inappropriate but with good intentions.

OOP on her husband's behaviors / moods before the incident took place

> OOP: It was hard to put a name on it but yes, he’s been raping me for a while. I didn’t see it, I did feel uncomfortable. But I could call it rape. It’s been three years of me not being able to shower alone, not even on winter. I’d be shivering waiting for my turn for the water. He said it’s an intimate moment he likes. In reality he expected a blowjob every time we showered. That would be every day or sometimes more than once. Some days I’d avoid showering altogether. Others I would jump quickly, and he would laugh like he did and would also said I escaped as I grabbed my towel quickly. I feel so disgusted. Please know I’m safe now. I will update on everything.

Is OOP in a safe place for now while making plans to go stay with her family?

> OOP: He left earlier today. He said his mom really needs him, and he needs to be there because our home isn’t healthy for him anymore.

&nbsp;

Update: August 8, 2026 (next day)

Update: My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past.

Hello everyone. First I would like to thank each and every one of you for your support and advice. I felt so much love and care that I can’t explain how truly moved and grateful I am. Sorry if this is too long but I also want to address some questions or comments this soon since I know many have been worried, please don’t be.

I think my body has been feeling I was being raped for quite a while, but I did not want to use that word. I just couldn’t get myself to believe the man that was supposed to love me and care for me would do something like that. But he did and he has been doing it for quite a while.

For the entirety of our marriage I have not being able to shower on my own. Not even once. Not even in winter when I’d shiver waiting for my turn to get on the water. He said it was his love language, that showering together made him feel connected. In reality he expected a blowjob from me every single time we got on the shower. Sometimes I’d avoid showering altogether because I did not want to deal with that, others I’d try to shower as quickly as I could and jump out before he started to “seduce” me. He’d laugh like I mentioned he did and he’d also say, “Oh you’re escaping!” As I grabbed my towel and ran out.

Regarding the overtly sexual “jokes”, it reminded me of an incident we had with one of his friends (also 35M). I was used to this friend making a sexual joke or two to my husband every time we’d hang out. Would be weird but I thought well maybe that’s their humor. But one night this friend sat beside my husband and wouldn’t stop touching him and making very extreme and intense sexual “jokes” directed at my husband. The tone of all were basically his friend wanting to fuck him. It got so uncomfortable another friend stepped in and asked the guy to stop the weird comments, to respect me, and respect that we were married. I did speak to my husband after that telling him how humiliated I felt especially because another man defended me as he did nothing. My husband said his friend didn’t know boundaries in general. I asked why was he only focused on him then? He insisted. The next morning his mom called and asked me to please ignore the friend, that he was dumb and didn’t know how to make jokes. I spoke to my husband again, asking him to not get his mom involved and also asking if he ever was involved romantically or sexually with his friend. I did not want to judge, I just wanted to understand what was going on. He denied it. After me not budging on ignoring the jokes my husband spoke to his friend asking him to stop but it was so weird.

Some of you also wondered if there was some sort of abuse in his family. I cannot fully confirm anything, but there’s some weird behaviors that made me want to help him and stay longer for him. I felt that he was suffering and I could help him see things and heal.

Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes.

I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life, and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable, and he called me a prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?”

I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visited him or he visited her, he slept on her bed, despite my FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she called and still calls the nephew so they can chat through dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without Face Timing the kid to be able to speak together alone. She’d just laugh and ignore him.

When the kid was 7, he had a stage where he’d caress my upper legs and I’d ask him not to do that and spoke to my husband (then boyfriend) about it. He said he’s just a kid and he’s neurodivergent, so he doesn’t know boundaries. My concern was him doing that outside and someone reacting aggressive towards the kid, or an adult with bad intentions allowing it. It stopped. But lately I keep asking myself where did he learn that was okay? I obviously can’t proof anything but a big part on me being very careful to not have kids with him apart from his abuse, was never letting that woman close to any of my kids.

He spends hours on the bathroom (literally sometimes 3-4 hours), I cannot confirm if he’s watching porn or cheating but I’ve always found that weird. Especially since I’m asleep when he comes back and then blames me if we don’t have sex. We have fought over him having inappropriate messages with “friends”. Once a message popped while he showed me a video, a girl telling him “I like you soooo much ❤️” I asked who that was since I do know his female friends. He said a friend that lives abroad. I asked what was going on and as always he turned it on me for “being insecure” and he felt so bad because his love wasn’t helping me let go of my insecurities. A year after he asked me if she could come stay in our house because she was spending the holidays here and got so upset when I said no. Another of his “friends” sent him an overtly sexual invitation (he told me) but he said that he asked her not to do that because now he’s married. He used to make those advances on her when she was in a relationship. His excuse was “but I wasn’t”. He also makes sure to tell me when women are checking him out. Which apparently is every time we’re out. I’m fine with that. I just laugh sometimes because he thinks women getting super close to him is flirting yet my brain screams pickpockets!

A last thing before I explain what’s going on now: last time I tried to start being intimate was me planning a romantic date. It had to be at home because he hated going out. A summary: can’t be too early because he gets cranky, can’t be in the middle of the day because the sun is too strong, can’t be at night because it’s too dark to drive. So I planned a romantic dinner in our house and as I was taking the wine out, he got so upset and shouted: SO YOU CAN ONLY FUCK ME WHEN YOURE DRUNK? As you can imagine the date was cancelled.

So, what happened? Yesterday he acted like nothing happened. He was very sweet which was weird because lately after sex he’d be so angry. Which was so confusing to me. I obviously wasn’t happy, but was trying to act calm and not cause any reactions out of him while I figured what to do. At night he asked me what was going on. I did speak with him. I told him how I felt, so humiliated, felt like an object. He acted like a victim again, saying he only reached for my hand to show me I was still desirable even if I was crying. That he did it to help me gain confidence despite not being able to finish before. I was even more disgusted and asked why he left me crying to go shower and after. He just shrugged and said he figured I was upset and left me to deal with it.

I decided to stop engaging on that pointless argument. I would just nodded until he stopped talking to avoid hours of that same loop of blaming me for my feelings.

Then today he woke up and told me he needed to go to his moms house indefinitely. That he needs to be there for her but also for himself. That our house isn’t healthy for him anymore. That it’s the only way for him to get better and heal. I just nodded and agreed. Even if I know that’s not true and his mom’s house is deeply toxic and unhealthy for him, I needed to think about me. And he left with his car. I felt as if a guardian angel, the universe or so many of your wishes and prayers did this. When he left I couldn’t stop crying. Out of happiness. That somehow the road seemed to open for me in a way that wasn’t as dangerous. I packed some essentials and I’m waiting to take a flight to be with my parents. I will not tell him anything and I’m leaving before he regrets anything or tries to check on me. There I will talk to lawyers about the next steps for divorce. My friends and family have my back, and I feel very lucky to have so many people supporting me despite of years of me being isolated. I do not want to contact this man ever again if possible and still cannot believe how he just left like that, I’m a bit shocked that I don’t need many days of planning, of being scared, of trying anything to get out safely.

And now that I mentioned a guardian angel I started to cry because well some of you mentioned if I had a brother or someone taller or stronger than my husband to ask for his help to come get me. My brother died when I was 14 and he was 20 in a very terrible accident. He was quite tall and strong. And had a heart of gold, he was like a teddy bear. He would’ve moved the entire world to help me, and I think he did today. So thank you for the advice, wishes, prayers. Thank you all.

Whenever there’s any advances on what I hope a smooth divorce, I’ll let you know. But again, thank you everyone that was worried for me, that gave me advice and resources. I deeply value all. And I will read all of the recommended books. I have been going to a therapist, but I may change for someone specialized in trauma and abuse as I go through the divorce and keep wrapping my head about everything that happened and that somehow I kept ignoring or thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

Thank you Morgan and all of this amazing community for being so caring and helpful. You’re right, I knew something was very wrong, I was already hesitating and thinking of getting out, but reading so many people confirming what I feared helped me more than you will ever know. I wish you all the very best as I move to this next chapter of my life with all of my loved ones.

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to report her MIL for the situation with the nephew

> OOP: We don’t live in the US so I don’t really know what I can do to help the nephew since I don’t think anyone involved would testify against her. I feel bad for that kid.

OOP explains more about the nephew, the relationship, and MIL

> OOP: The mother of the kid is the sister of my MIL. All of the family worships the ground she walks in. Everything she says is gospel. If I dared to imply anything about MIL, no one would believe me. I don’t have actual proof of anything and that’s why I don’t know how I can help this kid. I want to do it in an anonymous way to avoid further contact with that family. In my country we don’t have welfare checks I have to research on how to do this with social workers.

Commenter 1: OP seems as tho your brother truly is your guardian angel. The way this is lining up for your easy escape. You deserve so much love & compassion away from your husband. He is toxic & clearly has a very toxic family. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered through all this. But you will come right out on top & better off for it. I promise you! My very best wishes to you on a peaceful journey home, you got this strong lady ♥️.

> OOP: I'm still very shocked, feel like going on autopilot because I was trying to come up with ways to leave without any confrontation and I wasn’t expecting such an easy way out. I can only think of it as a miracle. > > Thank you for your wishes 🤍.

Commenter 2: I’m so proud of you, truly, for honoring yourself & taking care of yourself! The story re: your brother watching out for you definitely made me tear up for you!

I’m so sorry that your marriage has collapsed, but it sounds like there’s no telling what happened to him growing up. He most likely can’t even be honest with himself about it, which is where the anger & acting out towards you has to be coming from. I hope you can take the time to heal & I know that the lack of transparency + abusive behavior is something you nor anyone else should go back to. His path is now his & hopefully you can get loose ends wrapped up legally - & preferably your attorney(s) can deal with him directly from this point forward.

You may never get resolution or closure, which would be so upsetting. I hope you can get help with that so that this terrible secret or secrets will eventually stop ruining your life by proximity.

Everyone else has suggested that you report the situation with the nephew. I greatly understand their concerns, but focusing on your own safety + security right now needs to be your most imperative concern. It would be blatantly obvious to mom/son who reported the situation once it’s discovered that you are gone. I know you are aware of that, because you have carefully thought about everything else & reasoned out everything for yourself to this point.

If you have not anonymously reported the situation in a way that would keep all suspicion away from you & acted utterly oblivious while also tossing in a “Oh no that’s terrible!” “Why would anyone think that in the first place?!” before now, there’s zero rush of urgency to do it immediately.

You’d be astounded at all the ways a spouse can hurt you even when they don’t have direct access to you. I don’t say that to cause further alarm or upset, but these ppl are doing some Flowers in the Attic level stuff that is unfathomable & it’s not your personal responsibility to fix any of it. You’re not the only decent/sane person in the nephew’s life that has to have clocked all of this & many of them are most likely mandated reporters (surely not just the US has laws like that).

> OOP: I feel very guilty regarding the nephew but I’m also very scared that causes him to lash out at me or come look for me for affecting his mother or meddling with his family. I am away now but he knows where my family lives, so I don’t want to be selfish and abandon the kid, but I also don’t want to give him any reason to make him mad. > > Thank you so much for such kind words and advice 🤍 And I do believe my brother is still watching over us. I miss him dearly every day, but I try to honor him by enjoying life and trying to be the best version of myself, someone he’d be proud of. I lost myself for a while, but I will get back to that person he knew.

Commenter : Just a thought: would you need to file for divorce AT HOME, or can you file in whatever county your parents are? It’s my understanding that whoever files FIRST gets the upper hand in deciding where everything takes place…but that’s also assuming you’re even able to file in your parents’ county.

Good luck! This was so much to take in but I’m sure even more overwhelming to live!

> OOP: I can file where I am now, no need to be there. Thank you so much!

Why can't OOP take a shower when her husband was not at home?

> OOP: He was always home. We work remotely and he only left the house with me.

OOP's updating comment on if she is able to get to her parents safely

> OOP: I'm home with my parents, thank you everyone for your concerns. I’ll take a break from here for a bit and if there’s anything worth updating on, I will. Again thank you everyone for being so kind and caring. 🤍.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/bloopshro0m

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 28, 2026

• Final Update: August 14, 2026

NOTE: Made the text more readable by breaking the wall of text into paragraphs and capitalizing the first letter after each full stop.

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Main Post

^(May 28, 2026)

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WIBTAH if i (21m) don't grant closure to my ex-situationship (22f) with cancer

So about a year ago, I broke things off with this girl because of some minorly transphobic remarks and offensive comments about people I care about. Yesterday, she reached out to tell me she has cancer and is dying.

She also wanted to apologize and we discussed maybe talking in person (bc odd convo over insta dms, yeah?). One of my friends is insisting I should not grant her this because of what she had said to me in the past, saying that she's using the cancer card as an easy out to what she had done.

I'm still leaning towards talking w her because it would bother me for the rest of my life if I didn't, but would I be the asshole if I didn't forgive her?
questions/thoughts/commentary welcome!

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COMMENTS

Why was your friend urging you so strongly against meeting her, despite your willingness to forgive?

> it should also be noted that my friend said what she said to be somewhat protective. i'm obviously not gonna get into all of what was said a year ago bc i don't wanna shit on the dying, but it wasn't awesome to hear. i do play it down a lot bc i try not to let ppl have that kind of effect on me, but my friend has a better recollection of how torn up i was i guess. i appreciate this tho. > > i think my friend was getting more at the fact that this person has been somewhat manipulative to me in the past (vaguely mentioned earlier, but pitting me against ppl i loved and trusted so i would just talk to her, twisting my own words against me, other little things like that) so she was more urging me to be cautious is what i assume. she's not the absolute best with words, but regardless, poor phrasing.

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What made you think she might genuinely regret what she said?

> yeah that's kinda what i was thinking too, cuz she was raised somewhat religious and when i explained the context of what she had said to me, she was mortified. i'm just concerned why my friend is urging me so strongly against it because she's usually right about this kind of stuff.

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Why are you still wary about the situation?

> no exactly, i think a lot of ppl are looking at this like ive been bffs w this girl for a very long time or something. we talked for a couple months over a year ago, and didn't talk before or after such. she's said a lot of interesting things i don't necessarily have the evidence to back up. and this entire convo is happening online so like, im just obviously kinda wary. > > not entirely, got vague photo evidence of a shaved head but she's always worn wings n stuff.

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Do you actually want to meet her?

> i'm not sure. yes and no? i want to hear her out, but i also don't wanna do something that's gonna end up being a mistake.

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Why did you ask to meet in person instead of continuing the conversation over messages?

> i'm not sure, that's what's throwing me. she sounded pretty out of it (could be from meds or chemo or what not) and she didn't say much beyond that she has cancer and is dying. i'm the one who asked to meet up bc i have a hard time w these kind of emotionally involved convos over text.

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What is making forgiveness feel difficult, even though you want to be kind?

> thank you. not a lot of ppl are able to see the gray space i'm in mentally. it's not that i don't want to be kind and forgive her. idk, trust is such a hard thing, but at least regardless of what happens, ill know i did what i could if i talk to her.

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What do you think you would regret more?

> yeah i think i can live w my friend judging me a lot easier than i could if i didn't grant some sort of peace and forgiveness to somebody i wont have the chance to again.

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Final Update - after 2 months, 17 days

^(August 14, 2026)

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UPDATE: aitah if i don't give an ex who's potentially dying of cancer the closure she's asking for

Basically, I had come on here a few months ago talking about a girl I had split up with after some transphobic remarks she made, and odd other behaviours that indicated she was trying to cut me off from my loved ones or control certain narrative pertaining to my life.

She had DMed me saying she had cancer and was sorry for what had happened and just wanted to make peace with everything. I asked her if we could meet up (purely bc text/dm convos are really hard for me to understand as an autistic person at times) and there was a weird back and forth where she rain checked several times back to back.

She ended up blocking me and I thought nothing of it for the most part, just that i had tried to do my part to help her make peace and she didn't seem intent on meeting up so there wasn't much more to be said.

This was about 3 months ago, she finds my instagram again the other night to dm me: "btw everything I said was just a prank, I got paid $500 to tell sb something rlly f*cked up" or something adjacent to that, perhaps not verbatim.

I thought about it for a while and just decided to block her without responding bc obviously she's after some sort of attention im quite frankly not interested in giving her. And also bc that's genuinely such a twisted thing to do to sb.

Anyways, wanted to update and thank the ppl who told me to be skeptical from the jump, saved me a lot of heartache of getting emotionally attached in any way, shape or form. ppl can be so so odd I suppose.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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