Whether you are married or not, I really don’t see any reason of why living together as a couple is necessary. It’s exhausting how everybody perceives it as some type of “next step” in the relationship.

It’s very often you hear about relationships becoming toxic, e.g imbalances in housework, income and other things. Living together is suffocating and draining!

I think having your partner as a neighbour would be a dream, but living with them? I only see stress, no alone time, you are not free to do as you please in your own home, different habits. I mean, you even share a bed every.single.night. Exhausting.

They wanna cuddle, they want this, they want that. I don’t know, I think it’s better to have different homes and make time instead. It would only be natural to stay for a few days or weeks whatever, as long as we have separate homes.

It would make everything easier and I don’t think it means you love someone less at all

Edit: typo (loving-> living)

Also, before I made this post I thought that sure it’s uncommon and I would have a difficult time finding a partner, but I was wrong.
IT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.
Truust, I read your comments and discussions because I’ve been truly considering this for my future relationship.

Anyways I already tried living together in two different relationships at different times and I’m not so sure I can do that again. But I’m happy it’s working for you.

Edit II

What mostly comes up here:

Children
Easier logistics
Compatibility testing
Lower cost
Daily intimacy

There’s also a term for this arrangement.
-LAT(Living apart together)

I think most of you prove how living together is seen as something necessary and a ‘next step’. Aside from the practical reasons, there’s also this assumption that you can’t possibly love your partner if you don’t want to live together. It is weird and something must be wrong according to most of these comments.

At the same time, a lot of comments say that it is thinkable to live under the same roof and not share a bed.

English is not my first language!

Edit III

I understand the practical reasons, but my opinion still stands

My ex is suddenly trying to take my dog after months of barely caring about her and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

We got her together when she was a puppy and everything was fine at first, but toward the end of the relationship things got really toxic. He cheated on me multiple times and our apartment turned into constant arguments. He also had a horrible temper and would shout at the dog whenever she barked, had accidents, or got too excited. There were a few times she literally peed on the floor after he yelled because she got so scared.

After the breakup he basically disappeared for months while I handled everything myself. Vet appointments, food, anxiety treatment, training, all of it. She became extremely nervous after everything that happened and would hide under tables anytime she heard loud voices or doors slamming.

Recently he came over to pick up some old things and the second she saw him she ran behind me shaking and whining. He actually got offended and accused me of “turning her against him.” Now he’s threatening legal action because he paid part of the adoption fee when we first got her.

The timing feels weird too because he only started asking about her again after seeing photos/videos of her online looking healthy and happy again. It honestly feels less like he misses the dog and more like he wants a reason to stay in my life.

She’s finally started acting normal again and I’m terrified of putting her back into a stressful situation after how long it took to rebuild her confidence.

What would you do in this situation?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThatOneCloneTrooper

For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Extremely creepy!<

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mysterious-Ruin-

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRU

[Old New Updates]: I ran from my abusive ex, and I think he found me

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic violence, stalking, harassment!<

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RECAP

Original Post: July 4, 2023

I f (27) ran from my abusive ex when I was 4 months pregnant. I got into a different state. I legally changed my name, and I didn’t name my child the name we had agreed on. He didn’t know my social or my ID number. The only way he had of tracking me down was my name but that was gone, long gone. I had sign into domestic violence safe haven shelters to get into my own place and find a job. I had built a great life for me and my child.

I had planned running from him for a little over a year bc it felt like my only way out, he would always find me and drag me back. He made it out to if I don’t take my depression meds I act out and tried to harm myself. The police ended up believing him and became of no help. They brushed off all 4 of my DV calls as simple disagreements. I had saved up just a little over 10k in a bank account my mom had set up to help me get away and come to her so he wouldn’t find out about how much money I really had. My dad helped mostly by putting in a lot more then what I could. He would get suspicious and ask where all my money was going and I would pass it off as bills.

In my new town I’ve made very few people aware of my situation, it’s people that could help if something was to happen. These past 2 months I’ve been being watched by someone unknown. He’s always wearing a baseball cap and sun glasses but I could swear on my life it’s my ex. I ended up leaving work a few times due to having panic attacks from seeing the guy. He never interacts with me, only my coworkers. He waits until I’m out of ear shot to speak to order and he gives different names for his orders. My coworkers have thought it was strange bc he comes in almost every other week for a week straight for the past 2 months using different names. After this I went to the police station to speak to one of the people I made friends with and is aware of my situation. He said he would have patrol officers drive by my house and keep a look out.

I never seen him around my house or drive by it. I started getting letters in the mail that is from I believe is from him. No one signs them with their name. The envelope only ever has my old name and new address on it. The letters consist of him saying I love you and miss you. It never goes into detail about who is writing them. I took them to the police station to the one I’m friends with. He told me I need to find another place to stay for a while and file for a restraining order. I made a fake account and messaged one of my old friends. They said they was glad to hear from me, they are glad I’m ok, and that he’s been trying to report us as missing which I had already knew. That he’s still there working his old job, but he does go on week long trips and nobody knows where he’s going on them.

What’s keeping us from becoming a missing person’s case is my mom. Police had contact her and she told them everything. She showed them proof that I was in fact alive and doing well. She explain why I ran but she said she wouldn’t disclose my location. They ended up contacting me to confirm the story my mom gave them. The police finally after all this time believed me. They asked me if I wanted to come back to file charges or a restraining order. I told them no I want to stay where I’m at and to stay as far as I can from him.

Yesterday I had missed my mailman, and he left a slip that I need to sign for a letter. I haven’t order or request anything to have to sign for. I’m not on any government benefits or having any court case going on. I reactivated the fake Facebook and message my old friend again. She said she hasn’t heard anything, but she’ll ask. I keep it active and she messaged me early this morning. She said that there is some talk that he knows where I’m at and he’s thinking about going to court and take me for custody. I asked her if I would get it via mail and would have to sign for it. She said she isn’t sure that’ll I would have to ask the post office. I left the letter there all day yesterday at the post office instead of calling them and going to get it. I don’t think I want to go pick it up. I don’t want to face the possible truth that he has found me. I don’t want to go back to that town. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to relive the nightmare I had finally escape. I don’t know what to do at this point.

Edit: I just want to say thank you first for all the kind words and advice you all have gave me. After I made this post I went to work. When I got to work they said a guy came in looking for me, they described my ex. They kept telling him I don’t work there and if he comes back in they’ll have him arrested cause apparently he threw a big fit when they said I don’t work there. I was given permission to leave to seek legal help. I went to my friend that’s a cop and got me in contact with a few lawyers.

I had spoken to one and he’s taking my case. He filed stalking, harassment, and domestic violence against him. He has also filed a CPO. They issued a warrant and cops are combing the area to find him. They all have his picture and name, they aren’t going to stop until they have him in custody. I sat and cried bc this has been my life for the pass 4 almost 5 years since I ran that he’s trying to ruin. Where I live they rule in favor of the mother when it comes to domestic violence. Apparently since I left he was with someone that file charges against him for domestic violence and it got dropped. Thank you so for all the kind words and advice, I have appreciated it beyond the words I could say.

&nbsp;

Update #1: July 15, 2023 (11 days later)

Here is the long awaited update. He was caught that late night/early morning when he ran a stop light heading back home. He was processed and sat in his cell waiting to appear in front of the judge on his warrant for domestic violence which was that following Thursday.

When he was arrested and processed they served him the CPO. As he was being processed he obviously got a call. He had called his dad and told him everything. His dad told him he didn’t raise a woman beater, and he wasn’t bailing him out. They also seen he had another warrant that had been issued a few days prior back home. Apparently the girl he was with left him while he was away and pressed domestic violence charges against him as well.

I’m not sure what they’ll do with him now that he has charges in 2 different places or how that will work. He had appear in front of the judge on Thursday and said they was holding him on a $100,000 because they considered him dangerous and an extreme flight risk. He sat there until the following Tuesday when he was released to the other police department that they had contacted to let them know. He is now currently up there waiting for his bond to be set. They said he’s most likely not getting one from them but will sit there.

He was made to serve 30 days in jail on his warrant back home. Cops had said he probably won’t be let loose pinning both trials due to the circumstances surrounding his case and him being extremely dangerous while being a flight risk. They are going to do their best to keep him in jail until his convictions in both cases. He has CPO issue against him in both.

I ask them to keep my name redacted out of everything just in case this breaks to the media. I have purchased a gun, bear spray, and other forms of protection. We have moved and still in contact with the cop that I was friends with. For the first time in a long time I finally feel free, and I can live without fear. Sorry for making you guys wait for an update.

&nbsp;

Update #2: July 26, 2023 (11 days later)

I heard today that they have found witnesses to his abuse that can account for the other girl’s abuse.

Since this came to light he has change his plea in both cases to guilty. They aren’t going to have a trial for either of the cases just a court date for sentencing.

I believe he knew he was fucked when witnesses was mentioned. He has gotten sloppy with his abuse the last few years. I hope he rots!

&nbsp;

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#----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over 1.5 years old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Final Update: February 4, 2024 (over 6.5 months later)

He got 2 counts of felony stalking (me and our daughter), 2 counts of harassment (me and my daughter), 2 counts of domestic violence (me and the other girl), 2 counts of felony assault (me and the other girl), 1 count of endangering a minor (my daughter), and 1 count of resisting arrest. They hit him with everything they legally could.

This is what he got for each charge:

2 counts of felony stalking- 2 years (year for each charge)

2 counts of harassment- 4 months (2 months for each charge)

2 counts of domestic violence- 8 months (4 months for each charge)

2 counts of felony assault- 4 years (2 years for each charge)

1 count of child endangerment- 180 days

1 count of resisting arrest- 90 days

He’s to serve them consecutively. They didn’t punish him with the max sentence on the felonies cause he pled guilty and waved a trial, just took the sentencing. They wanted this done and over. The sentencing took a little longer bc where it was between 2 states. He’ll serve all his time in one state then transfer to another and serve his time there.

Me and my baby has since relocated and thank god every day for the ones that helped. I’m still in contact with the people I knew at my old home. They are glad we are doing well.

&nbsp;

Life after I ran from my abusive ex: June 10, 2024 (four months later from the final update)

Long time no see ☺️

After the sentencing me and my baby felt relieved. We decided to go out and live a little. We went down to Florida and visit all the beaches we could find. We made a B-line to Disney World. I would’ve spent every penny on this planet cause we finally felt like we was living life.

We made our way up to Nashville and showed her my love for country music. After leaving Nashville we went back to my hometown.

It was so much to process, we ended up starting therapy when we got there. It’s a long road of healing and we decided to settle here for a little bit, so she gets to know her awesome grandpa (his dad). My parents are flying in, and we are going to go to family therapy.

I plan to go back to my home but right now I want to heal the place I got lost in and broke. I feel pulled here to heal, to gather myself, and to find a way to let my past here go. I feel like I won’t be able to move on if I don’t.

I’m glad he didn’t affect our child very much. I don’t think my baby had the understanding of what was going on. If I post any more updates I’m not going to give very many details about us to protect our identity.

I’m going to go to school so I can work in social services and help women that was in my shoes. I’m going to wait until I’m in a healthier mindset and better mental state.

I just wanted to give this final life update because I’m so proud of myself and the life we are now living and pushing through for.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My brother (20) behaved and acted suspicious lately and he asked me a certain question that immediately screamed ‘I am dating’. His behavior has been off lately as well and I was wondering where he picked it up and when I met his girlfriend (I offered to libre them lunch and coffee at molito to be nice) I immediately knew why. Not to be that girl but his girlfriend immediately gave off pick me girl vibes and my intuitions were not wrong. I don’t like stereotyping but after MANY personal experiences I just find ‘I went to internal school in middle east’ girls super papansin and they give off airheads energy and she was exactly that.

She said and I quote: Ever since high school, I’ve always preferred to spend time with guy friends than girl friends because they’re way less dramatic than girls and I don’t like issues. Also I prefer video games and doing graphics (they’re both in MMA) than focusing on social media and girly stuffs like make up.

She also mentioned how her cousins boyfriends/girlfriends always preferred her over her cousins which gave me MAJOR red flags.

Like GIRL???? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION?

It’s his first girlfriend and I don’t want to be THAT sister who hates on every girl my brother introduces but she’s just a complete airhead and an attention seeking pick me girl and I don’t know what to say or do about it. I haven’t said anything to my brother or my ate who have not met her yet but I know she’s gonna hate her guts as well.

Also she has red hair.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway7192022

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Friend's BF is stalking me, and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Trigger Warnings: >!physical assault, obsessive behavior, verbal abuse, destruction of property, homophobia!<

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Original post: March 15, 2026

Hi everyone, I've been a listener and lurker for a some time now. I thought I'd come here first I remember a similar post pop up and really need advice on what to do :((.

I have been in a few activities with Rory (20F) over the past school year and we grew close, though we were friendly before, but didn't know a lot about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend of a year that happened to be from the same high school I went to (not super odd since a few of my schoolmates from before are also now in my college) and I chalked it up to one of those 'what a small world' kinda things.

Rory and I got even closer this past semester since we are both in the student government and the student paper, we hang out a lot outside of activities and I include her in some of the hangouts of my closer friend group. In one of the hangouts we met her boyfriend Logan (20M).

Ever since that hangout, I keep meeting Logan in places where I would normally be and places where I planned to be. Again, I would normally chalk this up to being a coincidence, but the city where my college is in is HUGEE. I don't even see some of my closest friends on a random day if not for it being planned. It happens on my cafe spot where I study, or places I mention to my friends I'll be doing errands in, it's started to feel scary how often I see him that I get scared going outside and meeting him. He is nice when we meet but I get a sick feeling whenever we talk and I feel like I’m being scrutinized or watched.

I don't know how it keeps happening and I haven't really told anyone because it sounds weird in my own head, what more to others? I want to speak to Rory about it because maybe she has an idea why he is essentially stalking me, but I don't really how to move from here or to articulate what I want to say. I don't even know if I should talk to Rory at all because I don't want to come across as a homewreckers or anything or blow up our really nice friendship. Any advice please would be really helpful :((

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, trust your gut. That sick feeling? That’s your intuition trying to protect you. You’re not being dramatic this is genuinely unsettling behavior. The fact that he keeps showing up in places you’ve only mentioned to friends (and in a huge city, no less) is a huge red flag. Please talk to Rory, but be gentle with yourself when you do. You’re not accusing you’re sharing facts and how it’s making you feel. A real friend will listen. And honestly? You deserve to feel safe in your everyday spaces. Sending you strength 💛.

> OOP: Thank you I really appreciate it! I'm still thinking of how to approach Rory because I've known her less than her boyfriend and I really don't want to blow everything up. I hope I can drop some hints or figure out a way to see if she knows about his behavior

Commenter 2: does he approach you when you see him in these locations and if so does he try to keep communicating with you or just says hi and goes on his way? I would def try to ignore him or just say hi and go whenever that happens.

also, are you sharing your location with Rory or anyone else that might be his mutual friend? I would personally turn off location sharing except a few most trusted people. I would also block him on sns.

> OOP: I'll block him asap. I don’t really share location, but I do tend to talk about places I would be (like the library, this grocery store, etc.) cause I happen to talk to my friends about it. > > The first two times I approached him thinking Rory was with him but after that I got the sense that he would be alone if I ever spot him, since then he was the one approaching me or bumping into me. We use to talk about stuff we have in common, mostly Rory, but as of recent I try to finish the conversation asap and leave...

Commenter 3: Check your bags and other items for trackers. Do you post a lot on social media telling people what you are up to? Change the routes you take. Please talk to other people about his behaviour. Please remember you do not have to interact with him just because he's your friend's boyfriend. There's no reason for you to spend any time with him whatsoever.

> OOP: Thank you, I'll leave if I ever spot him again... I'm pretty lowkey on social media and my Instagram has been private since I made years ago. I haven't even though of checking for a tracker...

Commenter 4: Also, keep a detailed log!

Note where and when you see him in your current routine, and then if relevant when and where you see him in your new one.

And obviously, IGNORE HIM. Do not engage. Do not respond. You do not have to be polite to this person. If you just can't take being "rude", keep replies short and brief. "Sorry, I have to go." And then leave. Yeah it's not fair that you have to leave a place because he's there, but you want to send a clear, if unspoken, message that you are not interested in him in any way.

And document all that too.

And then when you talk to Rory, just present the evidence and say, this is making me feel weird. I care about you and thought you should know.

> OOP: I'll try to do this the whole week and see if I see him less

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Update #1: March 20, 2026 (five days later)

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank the people who gave really sound advice last week on my (honestly rambly post/vent rant) and to those who reached out to check in the days after to see if I alright. I wasn’t expecting such a warm and welcoming reception and that really helped me push through this week :))

Before the actual update, here are some stuff I wanted to assure you all:

- I had my car checked by three shops and was doubly assured that there wasn’t any trackers. We even asked a friend of mine who had a sketchy ex in the past to use their bug sweeper on everything and all (my car, my things, my apartment, my clothes, etc.) came out clean.

- Someone asked what we normally discuss when we meet and I can't say it’s anything of note. He normally approaches me and asks me how I am doing and what was I doing at the place and sometimes about what Rory did the day. Sometimes it was what I liked, or some questions friends would ask when they get to know each other, which I wouldn’t mind answering if it weren’t for the fact that he was showing up in a lot of places I frequent (and I was suspecting him of stalking me).

Here is the update:

I followed the advice some commenters suggested which was to change my routine. I felt it wasn't enough to randomize it just to avoid him, so I decided to do that police tactic thing where certain specific info was given to suspects to see who was the snitch since I honestly dk how he could’ve stalked me on some places (somewhere out of the city, some were pretty hidden spots, etc.)

I told Rory (my new friend and his girlfriend) that I would be in this cafe near school on Wednesday after we had a meeting. I have cleared my suspicion for most of my friends at this point, so it was Rory and another that I wanted to test. I stayed with a friend across the road in a bodega and saw Logan come inside the cafe where I said I was after an hour I said I would be there on. I didn't have the best mood after confirming that Logan was using Rory to stalk me, so I didn't go out of my house all of Thursday cause I was stressed out of mind and didn’t know how to move forward with the discovery.

Fortunately, Today, I confronted Rory about it after I mustered up all the courage and tried to see if she was unknowingly helping him and she was just relaying info without malice. We met after I texted her that I wanted to talk about the agenda from the Wednesday meeting in a mutual friend's dorm room (who was also present as they were part of the sgov as well + was aware of what’s happening with my suspicions), and she came. An hour in of me fiddling and trying to find the right moment to start my hinting, I followed one of the comment of my last post and kind of stated that I kept seeing Logan in all the places I’ve been frequenting for the past month.

It started out really well, but when I pressed that it was odd that I was seeing him almost every week, she got this really odd look on her face and asked me if I was trying to accuse her bf of being gay, which took me off guard. Yeah, I am gay (not to be confused) but it was weird how she went to that direction?? I backtracked and said that I wasn’t accusing him of anything but that I kept seeing him and I brought up the fact that I told her I would be in a cafe on Wed and he came after, which I then asked if he asked her about my whereabouts.

I think things got really out of hand after that and she then said that he did ask but it was more of a 'concerned boyfriend checking on their gf hanging out with a guy' kind of way instead of the stalkerish kind of way. I got really confused here and tried to say that it gave off stalkerish vibes on my perspective and she got really mad that I was, on her mind, accusing her bf of being interested in me and was gay for the second time.

Our mutual friend broke us off cause things were getting loud and incoherent, with no belief that we would make sensible conversation, and Rory left the dorm after that. I did speak to my friend if I was taking it the wrong way and she assured me that (regardless of my gender and orientation) men had stalkers too and that she supported me if Rory tried to accuse me of anything. I asked my close friends the same thing and assured me that I was very public with my gayness so it would be weird for Logan to assume I would be a threat to their relationship.

I'm currently in my apartment and I’m starting to wonder if I was taking it the wrong way?? Would a guy keep tabs on a dude his girlfriend was friends with? I’m once again at my wits end but I’m trying not to spiral because all the important people (friends family, etc.) support me. I don't know what’s going to happen next, but I would be really appreciative for any advice. Thanks.

EDIT (March 22, 2026): Thank you all for the advice and the comforting words, it truly means a lot to me. Unfortunately, despite what many of the commenters suggested, I am unable to 'fully' break off my tie to Rory (and subsequently her bf) as the semester ends in mid-April for me and we have a ton of year end stuff to go through in the student government and the university paper. Fortunately, I do have other friends in those two orgs so I will be very much applying for their help until the sem ends so I can be with someone at all in case worse comes to reality. Once again, thank you all so much!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want to say maybe Logan is curious but there are much easier ways to go DL. could he be jealous of your relationship w/ Rory? Like trying to find out what is so neat about you? I mean I have no idea.

> OOP: I don’t go out of my way to hang out with Rory, and we mostly hang out for sgov or the paper. We are often surrounded by mutual friends and very rarely one on one alone w each other. I do think that he may be DL and I’m hoping my friend and I can find evidence that he is or something

Commenter 2: That’s not the behaviour of somebody who’s keeping tabs on his girlfriend. Which would be probably about again of itself. Rather, he’s going out of his way to meet up with you.

> OOP: I said this!!! But for reason Rory was hung up on me accusing her boyfriend when I genuinely am fearing for my safety and she kept denying a man could stalk a man. Theres something going on with them and idk when I can even hear her side when she’s pissed and probably told Logan what I said

Commenter 3: There is the possibility Logan is a homophobe and has been stalking you with the intent to physically harm you.

I would actually suggest this concern to Rory if she again accuses you of suggesting Logan is gay. And if she keeps it up, I would start to wonder if she is a homophobe and has been egging Logan on, to prove to her he isn’t gay.

> OOP: I don’t want to spiral but I have to admit this has crossed my mind since we fought earlier today. I doubt Rory is like that since she has been a staunch ally since I am openly gay, but it’s doesn’t hurt to doubt her... I guess I’m reeling a little that this might be a possibility

Commenter 4: Your suspicions were spot on and the fact that Logan showed up at that cafe after you told only Rory proves he's been using her to track you down. The whole "concerned boyfriend" excuse is bullshit - normal guys don't systematically show up everywhere their girlfriend's friends hang out, especially when those friends are clearly not romantic competition. Rory jumping straight to the gay accusation is her deflecting because deep down she probably knows his behavior is weird but doesn't want to admit her boyfriend is a creep.

You did exactly the right thing with that test - that's some solid detective work right there. The mutual friend backing you up shows other people can see how sketchy this whole situation is too. Trust your gut on this one because Logan's pattern of behavior screams stalker, not "protective boyfriend," and Rory's defensive reaction just confirms she's been feeding him information whether she wants to admit it or not.

> OOP: Thank you, this was such a tough thing to go through all week, and I was starting to think I was jumping the gun. I'm not sure if this will conclusively stop the stalking but I'm continuing randomizing and shutting up about my whereabouts until I'm sure.

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Update #2: May 10, 2026 (nearly two months later)

Hello everyone.

I don’t want to make a long update because I don’t really want to revisit what happened over the month so I will condense it as much as I can and if anyone has questions, I will do my best to answer.

Long story short: Logan has been taken to the local police station, and I have successfully filed a RO on both of them (Logan and Rory).

After the confrontation, Rory began bringing Logan everywhere which did not help their case as rumors spread of what happened with us (dorm room walls are not soundproof) and Logan would just STARE at me whenever Rory was looking away or busy doing something else. Not long after, a lot of our mutual friends dropped Rory as Logan would join their hangouts and would (unprompted) go on a rant about how bad of a person I was (making up lies abt me) and go on a crazed angry speech on "femboids" ruining the image of men in the current age. This kept going for two to three ish weeks during the finals/project phase of school but kind of died down as I finished off everything and prepared to graduate.

Where it went wrong: I had invited my close friends and some others to a nice night out as graduation was close by and everyone invited had an award to be celebrated. Not sure who leaked it, but Rory and Logan got a hold that I was having dinner at this restaurant that had these private rooms for parties and SHOWED UP. I clearly did not invite them to the celebration, and I had asked my male friends to get them out, but Rory seemed insistent to stay, and Logan remained quiet the whole back and forth. The argument got heated that some waiters came to de-escalate but it seemed like he had enough and SHOVED Rory out of the way and the friend who was arguing with her. I don’t know what made him snap, but he had reached me and managed to push me to the ground. I hit the chair and table on the way down and was delirious from the pain that ached everywhere, I completely did not register that Logan seemed intent to get on top of me (probably to punch me or something, maybe even attempt at my life in some way). Fortunately my friends grabbed him and tried to hold him down, but he kept trying to break free from their grasp. By the time I managed to get to my senses, some of the security staff had come and Rory seemed shocked by the entire event that just occurred.

They got taken out. A friend had suggested I get the CCTV of what happened and use it to get an RO, which I did the day after. Some days later, the police got back to me and asked to do an interview of some sort. I discussed what happened over the past few months and the lady who I spoke to me took me very seriously and had told me they would try to get a warrant for their devices as I mentioned they managed to track me down in some way and I feared that would continue. Fortunately, I had evidence of a crime committed and probable cause of stalking, so this was done, I thank the lady and her team for being so incredibly amazing with my case. Another few days roll by and I went down to the station. I went with my younger brother as my family arrived in town for my graduation a few days later. On the station, they had informed me that on both Logan's and Rory's devices, tons of images and videos of me were found. NOT ONLY THAT, text messages show that they had planned to attempt at finding my apartment and do something. Due to the evidence, I will be pressing charges.

On the bright side of things, I graduated with Latin honors and got a lot of medals for the activities I have done in college. I am happy to say that I am currently back at home and will be isolating myself for a good month before even thinking of adventuring out again.

That’s all from me :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If he is from your HS, does that mean he/his family live in your hometown? Have you made your local PD aware of the RO and situation?

> OOP: Both of my HS and college are in the city/urban while my hometown is on the countryside/rural area. In both cases I stayed in a dorm/apartment. From what I am aware of, he is not from my hometown and is from the city itself.

Was Rory always like that?

> OOP: Rory herself I would say no. She does ask questions a lot but again, we were friends, and asking questions was kind of a given thing. I knew she held grudges and often said malicious things, but it always came off as a jokey way (e.g.: I hope they trip and fall, I hope they get ran over, etc.)

OOP explains more about the text messages found on Logan and Rory's devices

> OOP: From what I saw on the text messages, they intended to confront me about the "rumors" I was spreading (which were spread because of the argument I had with Rory at my friends dorm and a few friends sharing it with their classmates). It didn't say anything explicit, but the tone and language used that they intended to scare the shit out of me. l

Commenter 2: Glad you were able to get a restraining order and that you graduated.

In your first post about this situation, you said that Logan had also attended your high school. Are you certain that you have not been on his radar for much longer than his meeting you via Rory? I mention this not to make you afraid, but because this would shed some light on his mental state.

I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope that this chapter is concluded.

> OOP: Thank you! :) Personally I have tried to dig around among classmates to know about Logan, but he didn’t make that many friends to know how he was in HS. One thing we suspect due to how oddly violent and focused he was on me, was that I may have been his gay awakening or crush or fixation in HS and it slowly began to spiral without me knowing.

Commenter 3: Did you ever find out WHY this nutcase was stalking you? Not that stalkers are rational, I'm just wondering wtf motivated him.

> OOP: Nope! Still don't know why exactly. We suspect he is one of those red pillers / incels since his rants bare a lot of similarity to them. We also tried finding out if he was a DL with no such luck. My friend suspect that since he went to my school the same time as me in HS, I might’ve been his gay awakening, and he didn't really like that. All theories though.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Due_Improvement8342

Published on: r/adultery

Thanks to u/huhzonked for the BORU recommendation

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 13, 2025

• Final Update: September 22, 2025

NOTE: AP = Affair Partner

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Main Post

^(March 13, 2025)

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Are all affairs this intense so quickly?

I am a 34m and have been married for almost nine years, we have a 13 month old son. My wife is my best friend and we are still having sex, though not as frequently as before baby. I sometimes feel like we are roommates, coparenting. Admittedly, I have not taken to fatherhood in the way I was hoping and a lot of parenting tasks fall on my wife.

Seven weeks ago, I started an affair with a married coworker who has three kids. First affair for both. This coworker is well liked and I find her attractive. She started paying me extra attention, coming into my office regularly, hugging me before I left for the day. I invited her to walk together on lunch and she took me up on it that day. During these walks she would mostly vent about her home life, troubles with her kids and husband. She would tell me how nice and sweet I was for listening to her, she made me feel really good. I also liked that a lot of people seemingly like her, and here she was paying attention to me! She would grab my hand during these walks. The following Monday she worked, I did not. I asked is she still wanted to meet up to walk, she did and I kissed her at the end of the walk. It’s been full throttle since then.

After I kissed her, we had sex for the first time three days later. We have been having sex during lunch breaks at work. And when we are not working I make up elaborate stories to see her. Like helping my brother hang a TV. It’s all been very intense. Two weeks after we started being together she would drop weird things like “im in love with a married man.” She asked that I not refer to my wife as my wife because “it is super triggering for her” and that it makes it sound like she is the side piece. She is very against using an app to communicate because that “screams affair” we do, but she complains about it often.

A week after having sex for the first time she found a conference for me to go to so we could spend actual time together for three nights, we went after being together for 4 weeks. It was a disaster, she was drinking and smoking cigarettes the entire time. One night my wife called to say goodnight, so I stepped away to take the call when I did so AP stormed off and I came back to find AP talking to some dude at the bar. That same night she messaged me on regular iMessage instead of the usual app we use because “she forgot.” She told me she loved me on this trip and I said it back, though I do not think that is true. I love the way she makes me feel and definitely love having sex with her. On the way back from the trip she kept going on how I have to promise I will never leave her for my wife. When we got back into town she almost forgot one of her scarfs in my car but I caught it before she shut the door, additionally I found one of her lipsticks in the door of my car that she had forgotten later on.

Since getting back from the trip two weeks ago it is like gasoline has been put on the fire. She needs a lot of reassurance and constant validation, if I am not at work with her we message all the time and if I don’t reply to her quickly she goes on about how I’m just leaving her for my wife and she can take a hint. She has made statements like “you’re probably still sleeping next to your wife” (I am), “you don’t let your wife see you naked do you?” (I do). Things of this sort.

She said that it’s very important to see her every day so I’m making up crazy excuses to get out of the house to see her. My wife is starting to ask questions “are you feeling okay you’ve been in the bathroom a lot lately” “why didn’t you dump the coffee I made just to go buy some and not drink it” “why did it take so long to go to the store” She has also complained that I have been really disconnected and not present while home.

My AP’s husband apparently saw our messages, she told him everything except who and he is planning to move out. Since then AP has been pressuring me to leave my wife so we can be together “for real.” I have never said I wanted to do this but I have gone along with some seriously declarations of “true love” “never feeling like this about anyone” “nothing could be more perfect than her and what we have.” AP keeps saying things like “it’ll be six months from now and you still won’t have left your wife.”

The thing is, I never wanted to leave my wife but since getting back from our trip things have been so intense and quite frankly I’ve been an asshole to my wife and then she gets upset and I’m like “maybe I do want to leave my wife all we do is fight?!” We have started to have some serious conversations about separation and she is genuinely very concerned about me and where this is coming from and is crying a lot about how our marriage and family is worth fighting for and I can’t just give up. Our last conversation she told me that she wouldn’t hear the word divorce until we actually tried, that the first time she is hearing about a problem she is also hearing about a divorce and she wouldn’t allow that to be how our family ends. I tell my AP some select parts of these conversations to get her off my back so she can see like “see things aren’t so great at my house either.”

AP paints a really nice picture of what being together for real would look like. That I would still see my son 50% of the time, when she had her children. Though, she has two different fathers for her kids and my son is still breastfed and has literally never not been with my wife except for the odd appointment here and there and I would have him. And when we didn’t have our kids we could just be together doing whatever we wanted. AP thinks I should just tell my wife the truth and that after some time my wife will be okay with it and we can all get along. AP does not know my wife, my wife WOULD coparent amicably because she is a really good mom and that would be what was best for our son. But, it would be a cold day in hell before she lets AP sit at her table if she knew the actual start of our relationship. My wife is also not stupid.

I just don’t know what to do, something’s is going to give if I don’t make some serious choices. AP is laying on the pressure and wife is asking me to keep trying, if she isn’t suspicious yet, she will be soon. She has asked if there was someone else, but seemed to drop it.

So, what is it Reddit? Is my life about to explode?

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COMMENTS

Dreammmyyyyyyyy >Holy shit. I didn't even make it all the way. This woman is ruining your life and you are going along with it and you haven't taken to fatherhood like you hope you would have. Get it together, bro. Seriously. Drama. Holeeeeee shit. > >OOP >>How do you suggest I navigate this? I was not expecting this to be so intense, though I can see how AP was showing her intentions early on and I ignored them. The day after we had sex for the first time she asked “you aren’t just using me for sex, you want an actual relationship?” How do you say “well actually, yes I am just using you for sex” >> >>I don’t know if you tell you self something for long enough you start to believe it.

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THATbitch124 >She’s going to blow up your life and soon. Grow a pair and stop letting this train wreck of a woman dictate your every move. I also suggest you at least TRY to be a father to your very young child and make it work with your wife because it’s not going to be any easier when you have him every other weekend either all by yourself or with a psycho gf who is jealous of the attention you give him. > >OOP >>As I have learned more about affairs I am starting to suspect that maybe AP was seeking an exit affair and she thinks I am a soft place to land. She makes a lot of comparisons between herself and my wife. >> >>For example my wife is a SAHM, which I’ve never had a problem with and actually think is best for our son and AP will make comments about how she works full time and is the breadwinner and takes care of her kids. I just don’t know how this all escalated so quickly.

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HereWeGoAgain0123 >My dude, get a firehose and put out this dumpster fire while there is maybe a slight chance you still can. In not a single corner of the multiverse does this end well with the AP. > >OOP >>I’m not entirely sure AP’s husband does actually know and AP isn’t just using that as a manipulation tool. Like she will jump after I do sort of thing. I just know that if I found out my wife was having an affair I wouldn’t be as cool as he seems to be acting.

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Tisjustforfun2 >His AP is the clearly a bunny boiler. Think the movie Fatal Attraction. > >OOP >>What is a bunny boiler and how do you know AP is one? I also love bomb her and mirror things she says to me like true love and a connection unlike anything I’ve experienced. I don’t actually feel these things but AP really likes to hear them. >> >>Tisjustforfun2 >>>Watch the movie Fatal Attraction. The AP boils the family pet bunny. Thus A bunny boiler is an AP who get so obsessive she starts to take physical actions to hurt the family if her lover. I hope your AP doesn’t go that far, but if you are not a troll, then you have some work to do to extract yourself from this situation. >>> >>>You are playing with fire especially leading her on. Best option is a slow retreat

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Worth_Energy_6619 >Sorry dude, but you’re naive to think she won’t just do it again with someone else when she’s bored with you. She already has two baby daddy’s. And those are just the guys she let come inside her. Who knows who she hasn’t told you about. > >Question for you… what makes you so special to think she won’t do it again once your sex becomes boring? She’s looking for a rush, and once she has you, that rush goes away and the relationship problems start all over again. > >Do you want to do this all over again in 7 years with a new coworker? How will this lady take that news? > >OOP >>I guess I just take her word for it, but I know that I am lying to her about my feelings and definitely embellishing my home life to fit what she wants to hear, but I honestly try to not talk about it. She brings it up and is always talking poorly about her husband and when she can slip it in my wife.

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kinxnwinx >OP, are you trolling? > >AnxiousAvoidant584 >>Not a chance in hell anyone posted—THAT—thinking they were going to get sympathy and kind advice. Has to be a troll. >> >>OOP >>>Not looking for sympathy at all, I mostly am just trying to understand what is going on. Do all affairs escalate this quickly, like not lifestyle affair but ones that sort of just happen? I have no idea how I ended up here in just seven weeks. I went from “I wonder what she’s like in bed” to telling her she could park her car in my garage so she didn’t have to get the snow off. What’s the psych going on here?

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Final update - after 6 months

^(September 22, 2025)

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Divorce Finalized Today

About six months ago I came to this sub looking for explanations of these reckless and intense feelings I was have for my then AP of six weeks. Her and I were mirroring each other, love bombing, future faking, the whole lot. The dopamine rush felt so good, I thought maybe I could feel like that all the time, maybe I should peruse these feelings out into the real world.

This sub dragged me pretty hard, and I was deserving of it. Many people made predictions of how it would all explode, that was AP was crazy, that I was going to get caught, that I was an idiot, all of these true. While I was off in some fantasy world thinking how wonderful it would be to be with this person who seemed utterly obsessed with me, my (now ex) wife was getting all her ducks in a row, and presented me with divorce papers a few days following my post.

My wife discovered my affair TWO WEEKS before she served me papers, she found out on her own. She was playing chess, while I was playing checkers. Many here suspected that my AP was going to blow it all up and tell my wife, and if more time had passed I think she would have. I later discovered a lipstick and hair holder in my car that she left behind, and she called me on my phone number one night because she “forgot” we were using the app. Though, we had never talked outside of it before. So, yes it was only a matter of time.

The fallout and aftermath was pretty gruesome and I knew immediately that I was going to try to reconcile with my wife. AP thought that since my wife found out that her and I were going to be together, when I informed her otherwise the next day she was late for her period. She later told me she miscarried. I do not know what story is true here. I do know that her husband was in contact with my wife and he told my wife that he suspected she was intentionally trying to get pregnant as he saw her birth control and apparently hadn’t been taking it for weeks. He also told my wife that when he saw this (after discovery) she took a test in front of him and it was negative.

AP was very unhappy with the way everything shook out, and to be fair I told her I wanted to be with her. I just didn’t think it would actually ever be a check I had to cash. There was a lot of drama, work got involved and AP was fired. She had some fire able behavior happening and it is my belief that when her husband called HR to report the affair, in the investigation the fire able offenses came to light and work decided to make the problem go away by that reasoning.

Also, I would like to make note that AP told on herself to her husband. She said she wanted a clean break and told him everything, right down to my (wife’s) address. AP could have rode off, scratch free with him none the wiser. I wasn’t going to tell him and my wife had decided against it because she wanted me safe and my job safe stating “angry people make angry decisions.” He later reached out to my wife just to make her aware.

Anyway, my wife gave me ONE chance and reconciliation with very clear boundaries and guidelines and I squandered it away. AP called me and I just couldn’t not know why she was calling. It was a pointless phone call with no substance. I deleted the traces of it. Wife found out and I lied. I came home from work to the locks changed, suitcases packed and a hotel reservation taped to them. She remained steadfast on the road to divorce since.

I came out of the affair fog and out of the protective bubble of the affair and quickly realized that my relationship with AP was not based on any reality and we had no actual real world compatibility whatsoever. I put her on a pedestal and idealized her. I got the best bits of her and she me. When I really started to reflect on all of this it was very clear to me that what I liked about AP had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I liked that she made me feel sexy, I liked that she made me feel wanted and important and I loved when she validated me and I could do no wrong. I wasn’t a bad guy for forgetting diapers on the way home, my wife was inconsiderate to ask me to do that after a long day. (I don’t agree with this, just providing an example). I liked getting the dopamine hits from her and I liked she was jealous of my wife, like I was a prize to be cherished.

Now, I am divorced. Taking some time to work through some stuff in therapy, focusing on trying to be a strong coparent and really lean into being a dad, a good one. My ex wife was fair in the divorce but she did not yield in the least. She will likely continue to be a stay at home mom until our son starts school, even after custody is established at 50/50 (he is still being breastfed and I am not pushing early weaning), she has the marital home, and for some I’m sure symbolic reason, INSISTED she have my car.

I have a lease on a two bedroom apartment, paying alimony and child support and now looking for a new car. I am doing okay, and every day is a little better but today really sucks.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Update to this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1pf37e5/my_girlfriend_25f_admitted_she_slept_with_someone/

I wasn't planning to come back to this. I posted the original mostly because I was going in circles in my own head and couldn't find a single thread on here that exactly matched what I was dealing with. But when I logged back in I was surprised to see how many people saw the post, and honestly the DMs alone were enough to make me type this out. Also found out the post got picked up on other sites which is a weird feeling. Typing this out on phone if formatting is weird I will fix later.

We broke up. A little over a month after the post. I ended it.

For a while it felt like a mistake. Not a I miss her way, more like a constant worry if I'd just let some insecure macho part of my brain torch a two year relationship over something that was actually acceptable. She wasn't a bad girlfriend in many ways. The relationship wasn't bad. That made it harder for me to be honest. I’ve got experience in dumping solidly bad girlfriends.

What actually happened in that month was a cycle. We'd argue about the hookup, eventually get somewhere that felt like real understanding, and then some random thing would surface it again and we'd be back at zero. The back and forth quickly got annoying and toxic.

But that's not what ended it. Something a few commenters mentioned in the original thread stuck with me. A specific detail I had touched on but hadn't really thought through. I did eventually bring it up to her directly and she answered honestly, which I'll give her credit for.

Before they had sex, she had asked him whether he saw any future between them. Not as a condition to sleeping with him apparently, but just probed to double check if he was up for that.

He said no and that he was just looking for casual sex. She slept with him anyway, drove to my apartment later that night, and told me she wanted to be with me.

I sat with that for a long time. On paper it changes nothing about the timeline everyone discussed in the last post. She still came back. She still chose to be with me afterwards. But something about the sequence of it just hollowed me out. She went to him first to get a no before choosing me. Not to mention the whole idea of me sitting at my apartment when this all went down.

Although on that point just to be clear, I’m not a little nice guy and him some sexed up alpha male like some of you guys in the DMs were describing haha. I’m perfectly confident, having honestly gotten too much info from my ex when we talked, that this was simply just another dude in the lineup that she wanted more than me.

But all this resulted in me feeling less like a guy she had wanted and desired, and started me feeling like a second place trophy. That's probably the most honest way I can put it.

For what it's worth, I don't think she's a bad human being. I really don't. But we clearly had completely different wiring around what commitment means and when it starts mattering. She didn't think what she did was a big deal and also seemed to undervalue the emotional value of sex in general in the post relationship analysis I’ve been thinking over.

Breakup itself was painful. She took it hard initially but seems to be doing fine now, seemingly better than me from what I’ve heard from a mutual. I've been pretty numb these last few months. Not in a worrying way to be clear, just going through the motions and it’s getting better every day. I've had bad breakups before and I know what the other side of one looks like, so I'm not too concerned.

A few people from the original post left some genuinely kind comments and I wanted to thank you for that.

I think the thing I keep coming back to is pretty simple. I just want to be someone's first choice. Hopefully that's out there somewhere.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Liotheleon

AITA if I back out of being maid of honor at my best friends wedding next weekend? Best man is my ex fiancé who cheated on me and I can't be around him let alone walk arm in arm with him.

Boru 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

**Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/

Original Post  May 4, 2019

Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment. Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she's reaching out to old clients because she's back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn't. In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I'm such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.

I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.

And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn't want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she'll "make it up to me."

I've never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can't be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn't need to fall apart because I'm upset. so I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, fucking as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his shit.

Woukd I be the asshole if I back out of the wedding?

Edit: wow I checked out for a few hours to try and sleep and this exploded. I’m so sorry I haven’t been reading I’ll try and catch up

Edit 2: ok guys I don't know what the verdict is but whether or not you voted yta or NTA and said I should go anyways to support my friend (we were friends before we were born, our moms were college roommates) your argument were the most convincing. I'm going to suck it up, participate, have fun, make my lock screen image the text from "Panama" where she said "remember, you liked tounging my asshole?" so when I get sad I have an instant reminder of who he really is. And then when it's all over I'm going to scream myself hoarse and beat the ever living fuck out of my pillows. If I can update a week from now I will. I still have a lot of reading to do so thank you all for commenting.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Edit 3 (that wont be seen): guys I've had the worst week of my life and been crying almost non stop since 3AM last  Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever). I have to clear up people calling my best friend the asshole. That just isn't the case, at all. I love her as much as I love any person on the planet and she has my back. But this wedding is now a week away. It's not a simple thing of kicked me out or asking ex-fiancé not to come. Everyone is furious with him but only she, me and he know the details of call girls. My ex's parents, grandparents and everyone else are going to be at the wedding. He's as close with the groom as I am with her. If they make big changes now then the day becomes about what HE did, not about the wedding. It's not my place to demand the groom change his best man... a week out no less...plus like I said he knows my ex cheated, he doesn't know my ex was sleeping with prostitutes. If I bring that up then this whole week becomes about THAT. My best friend and her groom being assholes isn't even an option on the table. They didn't do anything wrong and just reacting with the best information they have. My friend has offered me the chance to allow me and ex-fiancé to walk in with other people or even separately, but I'm not going to do that. First of all because I think it will look weird. And secondly I foresee getting a sick since of satisfaction of touching him ONE LAST TIME--FOREVER and have him know that that spark he feels...could have been forever come August but he fucked it up.

Is it possible for a cheater to change? I (27f) found out my ex-fiancé (28m) had been seeing call girls for about a year. I'm devastated but he is literally broken after I found out. I am finding myself sympathetic to him.  May 6, 2019 (2 days later)

So this is almost an indescribable situation because if you would have asked me last Sunday, I would have told you I had a perfect relationship.

Monday night he was flying (he's a pilot in the Air Force) and had left his phone at my house. in the middle of the night it buzzed and it was a call girl named "Panama" who had quit for a while and was reaching out to old clients because she needed money. I logged into his phone (we share passwords on almost everything) and at first told her she had a wrong number but far too much of what she said was identifiable to him.

I confronted him when he got home and he didn't try to deny it at all. He confessed that he had seen 2 separate call girls for about a year, sometime at the same time. He claims he's a sex addict and has been in treatment for about  a year. I knew he was in counseling but I thought it was for grief of a friend of his dying overseas. He promises me that he hasn't seen either of the girls for 18 months and that's the only time he's ever cheated in the 6 years we've been together.

Last week I was livid, like I couldn't stand to be around him lest I might do things I would regret. Last night in a moment of weakness I called him because I just wanted to hear it from him one more time as to why he did it. Why he needed call girls. I was so open to trying anything in bed, just why. And the truth is I miss him so much, it's killing me so a part of me just wanted to hear his voice and know that he's alive in this world.  We ended up having the friendliest conversation over the course of about 4 hours since I found out. the reality is I still love him. I love everything about him (except the fucking hookers part).

He's broken over this, he's taken himself off the flying schedule (in the middle of his instructor upgrade which may very well be a career staller) and he's doubled up his counselling sessions. He hasn't lied to me, he hasn't yelled at me, he hasn't blamed me for anything. I guess if there's a "right" way for a cheater to act, he's doing it.

All of this is complicated because we are scheduled to be MOH/Best Man in our respective best friends wedding this coming Saturday. Both of us agree that we don't want our drama to come in the way of their good day so while we aren't going together, we are going to put on our happy faces for the 4 minutes we have to be around each other. But I'm worried I'm going to break when I see him, tall glorious and handsome in his tux.

I am so devastated I don't know what to do. I miss him more than I miss any other person, but I also hate him more than I hate any other person.

what in the hell should I do? Can a cheater ever change?

tl;dr: found out my fiancé was sleeping with call girls for about year. Last incident was about 18 months ago and while I'm devastated, he's a broken person and I find myself missing him so much it's killing me. What should I do here?

UPDATE: AITA if I back out of my best friends wedding? Best man was my ex-fiancé who I found out was cheating (I can't believe how huge this got).  May 12, 2019 (8 days after 1st update)

edit: the 3000 character limit makes this read way more choppy that I'd hoped. I hope this makes any sense whatsoever.

I've logged into this throwaway a couple of times over the past week and honest to go have fifty DMs and comments asking me to update so here goes.

Some of you may also know that my story got featured on major, major news websites and blogs. It was crazy. I left way too much identifiable info in my post so pretty much all my social circle knew it was me and it was also the way most everyone figured out ex had been cheating. We had a "meeting" among the four of us as to whether or not we proceed. We pretty much agreed that not showing up would cause more drama and "whispers" than if we didn't show up so we agreed to be civil and stay in our respective places. But having to spend that hour or so in same room with him just fueled me up with adrenaline and pure rage.

That led into  bachelorette party that night where I got freaking hammered and honest to god made out with so many guys while dancing I can't even count. I also ended up having my first one night stand ever with a 20 year old super cute guy from our university's wrestling team who was so sweet. I'm not proud of doing that but I'm also not ashamed either because it made me feel desirable and almost like I was going into the wedding day and rehearsal with some "parity" since, he I can be "naughty" too.

Ex and I were of course paired up at rehearsal and I hate to admit this, we had an absolute blast with each other. It wasn't a mistake that we had such a great and fun relationship, we are very compatible. It probably also worked because we were able to put "the issue" on the side and focus on something else.

Wedding was very much the same way. We walked arm in arm down the aisle with big beaming (and genuine) smiles since we were there for our friends. I had prepared a really nasty MOH toast that would have praised my friend and her loving relationship, loyalty and truthfulness (I even included a line about you never know who is going to call in the middle of the night) but as the reception wore on I could tell the weight of the situation was really getting to my ex and I felt like I really didn't need to twist the knife any further so I gave a nice but very generic toast.

As night went on ex was more and more out of it and sitting by himself either on his phone or with his head in his hand. I didn't want people talking about him so I asked him to dance with me which was actually really, really nice since we both didn't say anything. At the end of it he but his hands around my face like he was going to kiss me (I would have totally let him, in that moment) and just whispered how sorry he was and walked away. I got distracted and turned around he had apparently left the reception. I hate myself for it but I was so sad to see him go. This wedding is literally the last thing we ever have to do with each other. There's no expectation of GOT Sundays or Bloody Mary brunches with his mom, we wont argue over how bad IPA beer smells or who forgot to put gas in the car. Like the reality of him just being able to leave without me arguing that I'm not ready to go yet (classic introvert/extrovert pairing here) sunk in that this is over. Like over...over. I went and cried uncontrollably  in the kitchen of the hotel until the bride found me and cried with for a good half an hour. With that I knew I made the right choice in being there for my friend.

So that is that, wedding is over and done with. No real drama, lots and lots of hurt feelings and a huge broken heart that I'm not sure how it will ever heal. I wish I could just turn off loving him but it's not going to happen.

edit: last word on this guys and it's really honest to god say thank you. This sub has been such an amazing place (and particular shout out to /u/snausagefest who is a great moderator) and absolutely coaxed me into the right decision.  I still have something like 1200 inbox notifications and I'm sure the people who gave me gold and silver are in there somewhere. If I don't get to thank you privately please know that I do thank you. And thank you so much for the words of encouragement that I will move on. I know I will. Right now its so fresh and I just keep thinking "god if you wouldn't have been up that night worrying about work, you never would have seen the text come in and you'd be ignorant to all of this...and happy." But that's not healthy because wishing to live an uninformed and ignorant life is never what I wanted to be. Anyways I'm indulging self pity and I don't want to do that anymore. This has been a crazy ride and I just want to say thank you. And foxnews...you kinda suck.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SimpleKey1310

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My best friend’s boyfriend has been making AI porn of people we know and she’s staying with him (all mid 20’s)

Trigger Warnings: >!claims of child abuse, mentions incest porn!<

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Original Post: May 10, 2026

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post and a throwaway account. I’m very lost and confused with this whole situation and am looking for advice from people who’ve maybe experienced this before.

For some context: me, Cass (fake name), her boyfriend and Rae (also fake name) are all friends. Me and Cass have been friends for 17 years and all of us used to work together (how Cass and her boyfriend met + how we met Rae) we hang out and game together regularly, but mainly it’s me, Rae and the boyfriend gaming. We’ve all gotten along and have never had any drama for the 5 years we’ve all been friends.

This all started earlier this week. I was with Rae, and she asks me if I had heard anything from Cass. Because some shit when down over the weekend regarding her boyfriend.

The story goes that she had been seeing weird behavior in her boyfriend of 5 years over the last several months, prompting her to go through his phone while he’s asleep. She then calls Rae, sobbing hysterically at what she found. Cass described seeing AI porn of people they knew, they were generated to make them pregnant with huge boobs. The bigger issue it was of her own sister, as well as a distant friend of hers that lives in another state, and his mom?

After they end the phone call Rae sent a text of support to her, but Cass says that she found worse stuff, stuff she didn’t want to show or tell Rae about, and says she’s going to confront him. Shortly after she tells Rae that her boyfriend was in the bathroom with his phone deleting further evidence, and that he doesn’t want to talk about it right now. After some short back and forth Cass tells Rae that the issue is resolved and that they’re fine (???)

After hearing this I had sent a text to Cass, asking if everything was alright and that I was told to check on her (Cass never told Rae not to tell me anything. But she had done a very quick 180 from being pissed to saying that they love each other and will work on it, so I was curious to see if she’d change the story)

Over text she tells me that it was just a porn addiction that went a little too far. That he was messing with AI porn and as a result feels angry and disgusted with himself (suicidal even) but claims that he never got off to it nor was he attracted to them. Also that he will be going to therapy once he gets insurance from his new job. She was very adamant that they’re fine now and how she wants to spent the rest of her life with him and have kids.

We set up a time to call and talk about it and here’s how it went: she started by repeating that what happened was a porn addiction that “just got out of control”. She told me she found AI porn on his phone, and when I asked if it was people we knew she told me no. That “it was people we don’t know, from Facebook”. Sooooo already I’m upset, she’s already lying to me. And Rae is absolutely not the type to lie or start drama randomly.

I knew I couldn’t call her out on anything in the moment, if I did she would immediately get defensive and shut down on me completely. Instead I brought up how making AI porn of real people is illegal in our state, and she responded that they had deleted everything (Facebook, Twitter, grok) so it’s fine. I mean.. that content is still out there somewhere and can still be traced back but I digress. What got under my skin the most was when I told her that men with AI addictions will commonly make content like that of people they know, friends, family etc, and how I’m deeply concerned that this is the case, she responded with “well…I’ve been dating him for 5 years *nervous laugh* I know the kind of person he is. We’re getting through this together” which bothered me because she didn’t deny it? The more I tried to make sense of it the more upset she seemed to get. When I tried to ask her about the thing she found that was worse than the AI porn she completely changed the topic and didn’t bring it up again. The phone call ended amicably but with nothing really resolved.

To me personally, just the fact that someone made AI porn of real life people is violating and disrespectful enough for me to cut contact with him. But for it to also be people we know that’s close to her and deciding she’s going to stay and forgive him leaves me with an icky feeling. And we’re still left wondering about the “worse stuff”, what could it be that she can’t even tell her best friends of 17 and 5 years?

I’m hurt by her being untruthful with me. I understand the situation could be embarrassing to talk about, and I’m not technically entitled to any of this information. Cass has hid arguments and details about their fights from us before, saying she doesn’t want us to view him differently as we are all friends but when I try to tell her what she feels and thinks matters more to me I get shut down. According to her this addiction has been going on for months (he’s been out of work for a year due to injury), and you don’t just start with incest and her family and distant friends. We can’t stop thinking about who all else he had done it to, his brothers spouses? His old coworkers? He really doesn’t have friends outside of me and Rae, and that’s not something we want to think about.

Where do we go from here? The friendship dynamic is fucked. It goes without saying that neither of us feel comfortable around him knowing he’s been doing that, but Cass and him have a very co-dependent relationship. So if we cut him off we would have to accept potentially losing her too. He tells her he won’t ever do it again and she believes him, but I’ve heard enough stories of the person reoffending, so I don’t have much hope there. I don’t think she deserves to be in this situation, and we want what’s best for her. Is there any way we can help her?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m willing to bet the thing she doesn’t want to talk about is illegal everywhere…. 😬 > > Commenter 2: Yup. Definitely one of those things where "it's not like it's real" just doesn't hold up. > > I wanted to give the dude the benefit of the doubt. He's been out of work for an extended period of time and is probably bored to death. We do weird shit if we're bored enough. But...AI porn, especially of friends and family members(!?!?), is next level. I'm just really hoping the "too bad to tell" stuff is the friend being dramatic and not like kids or animals or some shit. > > And if it is those things, OP should be so okay with dropping this friend just for staying with the guy. >> >> OOP: I can definitely understand how a regular shmegular porn addiction could happen. And I wouldn’t blink an eye if my buddy was into some weird shit (within reason). Im not sure if I’m being purposefully ignorant here when I say I’m fairly sure there’s nothing underage. But even if I asked I know I wouldn’t get the truth

Commenter 3: Cass needs your support more than she needs condemnation of him. She didn’t confide in you, probably fearing your reaction. She needs time to assimilate, this is her long term relationship. She’s invested in it. To leave would be difficult, complete upheaval. There are financial implications.

If she chooses to stay, no doubt she will be paying a lot of attention to his online activities. While they are perverse and distasteful, you have no proof who he utilised. You can choose to exclude him from your social circle, remove his access to your online presence. You can advise Cass that if he publishes any of his material that he may be part of police investigations purely instigated by the searches the police carry out as normal policing of the internet. That AI material is not copyrighted and therefore may be published without his knowledge but be traceable back to him.

You can offer her support while excluding him but expect to lose her! She needs you!

> OOP: This is a very mature take, thank you so much. we’re hoping giving her a little more time will allow her to “wake up” per se. It’s just hard to support someone who won’t accept it :(

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Update: May 11, 2026 (next day)

(UPDATE) my best friends boyfriend has been making AI porn of people we know and she’s staying with him (all mid 20’s)

Original post can be found on my profile

The first time I tried posting the update it got taken down

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my first post and comment, I have an update to share to those that are interested.

Something that I had left out of the first post was that the phone call we had took place the day before her birthday, and that her birthday party was going to be a couple days later.

Me and Rae agreed we would still be going and would do our best to still treat her as we always have and make her feel special and loved on her day. She cares very deeply about her birthdays and we didn’t want to do anything to ruin her night. But that we wouldn’t really speak to her boyfriend unless spoken to (spoiler: he didn’t speak or even look at us the whole night)

The party took place at a local bar we love, and everything was going smoothly. We greeted each other, hugged, ordered drinks and did all the normal things girls do at bars together. I’m assuming Cass picked up on the fact that me and Rae weren’t going to talk to her boyfriend, and neither did our fiancés (in our defense he did isolate himself from the entirety of the group) because after a couple drinks she pulled me and Rae outside to the parking lot to talk.

The conversation with the three of us began with her saying she wanted to clear the air a bit. To her credit she started by admitting that she had given me and Rae opposing information, and wanted to be clear to me that what Rae had told me was in fact the truth. I told her that it hurt that she lied to me, and she hits me with “but you have to understand, *I* was hurting” yes obviously she is the one ultimately being betrayed and hurt here. But there was no acknowledgment nor an apology for lying.

She tells us that the reason he had made the AI porn was because of abuse he went through as a child (will not be going into detail to protect his privacy).

And then she just kinda stared at us.

Like she had pulled the ultimate wincon or had played all five pieces of exodia. We tried to argue that while we sympathize with him, and are deeply sorry that we went through that, that it cannot be used as an excuse or explain away his behavior. She seemed genuinely upset that we didn’t just forgive him right then and there and move on.

Rae goes on to tell her that now wasn’t the best time to discuss all this (her and Cass were fairly drunk by this point) and that tonight was about celebrating her and we should focus on her having fun. Also that she should take more time to truly process everything and consider if she really is okay with what he did. If she’s really okay with the fact that he made porn of her sister and his mom. But this only led to another rant about how she’s fine and it doesn’t affect her.

As we tried to voice several of our concerns we were constantly being interrupted and talked over: “but you know that isn’t like him” or “but his trauma” etc. I even tried to ask her to let me get my full thought out before she responded but I was interrupted twice just trying to get out one sentence. It became very clear to the both me and Rae that she didn’t want to actually have a conversation. She wanted us to listen to her but she didn’t want to listen to us. She wasn’t retaining anything we said she was just waiting for her turn to speak.

For those wondering if it was kids, she was very adamant that she didn’t see anything like that. And wasn’t entertaining our concerns out it either.

This wasn’t going anywhere nor was it productive

We eventually convinced her that we should all go back inside and try to enjoy the night, and that we should talk about this when we’re not 2/3rds drunk and in the cold. things were awkward for a bit but we all seemed to recover quickly. I took Rae home at the end of the night and as it stands neither of us want a friendship with her boyfriend going forward, but how we feel staying friends with Cass is still blurry. We’ve both already blocked him on everything but still leaving a line open to Cass in case she somehow snaps out of it.

I wasn’t sure if it was important to add in the first post but Cass has bpd, which explains her strong attachment to him, as well as how we have to go about speaking to her. We have to make sure our tones are even, if there’s any hint of aggression or disdain then it’ll trigger her abandonment wound and cause a meltdown. I also added this to say that just straight cutting her off could have potentially dangerous implications to her, but we have yet to see eye to eye on this and I doubt we will

Thank you all for reading this far, all advice and comments have been very helpful. Me and Rae have been reading all of them and considering our options

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please drop this friend. She needs therapy. You're not responsible for her emotions or her behavior. I guarantee this girl is so unregulated or delusional that she'll actually become an enabler to her boyfriend's porn addiction.

It concerns me that she already has you and Rue trained to treat her with kid gloves because of her BPD.

I know you both feel responsible for your friend but if you're friend is actively taking the side of a person who has probably used your image and made AI porn of you then what do you expect to happen? Do you and Rue believe you're both trained relationship and BPD therapists that you'll help her snap out of it.

If's wild that you both actually went out a celebrated her birthday after this. Of course she's going to be shocked or thrown off by the fact that ALL is not actually forgiven. You both should have immediately set some lines in the sand.

But sure, if you want to expose yourself and any other woman or child you know to add to her twisted boyfriend's AI inspirations. Continue to hang out with her. > > Commenter 2: It's frustrating that op can't see when they explained that his trauma doesn't make up for what he's doing, yet they're also defending their best friend the same way >> >> OOP: You’re right. I know it’s over, Rae knows it’s over. I was doing my best to keep the post somewhat neutral but her actions as well as his (obviously) aren’t possible to defend. I figured bringing up her mental health issues could bring in more context as to why this is so frustrating. I can see that I was doing the same shit I was complaining about. Thank you

Commenter 3: By bpd, do you bipolar or borderline personality? Because If it's the second, walk the fuck away from her right now. This is not going to get better and by the end you will be the villain, and you will lose a lot of friends in a not very pleasant way.

> OOP: Borderline. Funny you say that last part, I already have lost friends (mainly in high school) but yeah. I’m used to taking her side, but I can’t do it this time.

Commenter 4: Please do not continue to be friends with an apologist and enabler. She will never hold him responsible for his disgusting and illegal behavior. I can only imagine how her mother would feel if she knew that her daughter's bf made porn of her and her child.

> OOP: He made porn of his own mother. Her mom’s dead. But her older sister was her guardian

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/unraveledwords

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 12, 2026

• Final Update: May 14, 2026

---

Main Post

^(May 12, 2026)

---

I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him.

He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment.

It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it and she said she would be down so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea.

He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own.

This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me.

We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

DepartmentDapper9823 >I didn't quite understand your post... Does your boyfriend know you had sex with another guy (not a girl)? If so, that's probably the real reason for his anger. > >But either way, it's his fault. He shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if it wasn't a sincere decision. > >OOP >>He knows about both now as he began questioning me about it when I told him about the girl

---

AffectionateTrash146 (downvoted) >In the eyes of most poly relationships you have cheated. You said you made the new people aware of your BF but did he know you were actively going on dates and intending to sleep with people? Usually opening the relationship means having honest open communication about your actions and intentions with other partners, not the ins and outs of the activities just an understanding that somethings brewing. I don't think you guys have the right communication and maturity for an open relationship. In terms of earning his trust back, it will take a lot of time and effort but it's difficult for things to ever go back to how they were. > >OOP >>I didn’t tell him at all about the guy until he asked, but I was under the impression that he knew I had slept with the girl. I guess it is poor communication on my behalf that he didn’t understand the nature of my relationship with her. The reason why I didn’t tell him details is because I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing the ins and outs of what my boyfriend was doing with other people and I stupidly assumed he felt the same. I just assumed that he was, and assumed he knew I was as that was what we had both agreed to do

---

OrwellianIconoclast >Classic. He wanted to open up the relationship because he thought he'd get to sleep with other people, now he's mad & trying to punish because you had success on the apps and he didn't. > >You didn't misunderstand, he's lying because he played himself and wants to make it your fault. > >Mischiefmanaged715 >>For real. This happens so much, it is practically a cliche. The man wants to open the relationship to get some side action, inevitably it is way easier for the partnered woman to find others, and the man gets pissed off about her success and wants to shut things down. OP, this isnt for you to fix. Your boyfriend needs to own his actions rather than punishing you for them. Until he does that, I wouldnt be trying to beg for his forgiveness. His behavior is juvenile and a red flag. >> >>OOP >>>After receiving a few comments saying to unblock the girl i definitely will be! She was really great and I think we could have a friendship if nothing else now. I just did it out of blind panic because I wanted to salvage my relationship

---

theclosetenby >You didn't misunderstand. He's lying. > >dirndlgrl >>Co-signed. This is such a transparent lie

---

lenusniq >"How do I earn his trust back?" What are you talking about??? How did you lose his trust? You agreed on an open relaitonship. Dump this insecure hypocritical boy. > >Omgoodtimes >>THIS!!! He’s gaslighting you!!! It was his idea, but you got action and he didn’t, so he’s pissed and trying to change his mind. He told you to open it so you could both see people while you’re apart for months AND that he thought a threesome would be hot. He sounds like a loser, don’t fall for his emotional manipulation

---

Final update - after 2 days

^(May 14, 2026)

---

Update: I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new jon opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know. Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PaleMind4963

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 03, 2026

• Final Update: May 11, 2026

---

Main Post

^(May 03, 2026)

---

I(29M) am planning to break up with my girlfriend(25F) because she made plans to go out one on one with a guy that likes her without consulting me.

Hi everyone,

Would like to seek your thoughts and advice on this matter of mine.

Basically my girlfriend has a coworker that likes her and always helps her with her struggles at work. They are always together at work and have regular dinners together(which she had consulted me and i said yes).

She always updates me about their dinners and what they talked about so i was fine with that.

Now i have a job that requires very long working hours and i was unable to spend time with her during a weekend as i was rushing out a project. She knew this(she was unhappy about me not spending enough time with her)and made plans with her coworker to go for an ice skating outing and she just confirmed with me that i could not meet her during that weekend and told me that she will be going on the outing with him without even asking me about it, only informing me. Now from what i know, ice skating is a totally date activity which involves holding hands and physical contact. So i got mad and told her that i was uncomfortable with because of this. She still went out on the outing with him and now i told her i wanted a breakup and she started apologizing and said she will not do that again and persuading me to talk to her after i had calmed down but i refused.

Did i do the right thing or was there another alternative?

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

OOP to a long comment >Hi thanks for the reply. No she doesnt usually ask permission from me for anything but in this case, this guy confessed twice to her. So she consulted me about it. > >Prestigious-Ad1346 >Ohhhh thanks for answering and clearing that up ! > >Your girlfriend isn’t cool for hanging out with him and leading him on, and even less cool for seeing him after you said it makes you, rightfully uncomfortable. > >It’s not worth being with someone like that for forever

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BeardBoiiiii >You lost me at the regular one on one dinners ngl.

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Mdaro >Your girlfriend has a boyfriend and it isnt you. > >Necessary_Tap343 >>OP gave her permission to date her coworker by telling her it was okay to go on regular dinner dates with the coworker as long as he had advance notice.

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iAnkou >what I find funny is this. She went on a date activity with a guy who likes her and then told you "we can talk once you've calmed down" > >bro imagine doing something like this with a girl who likes you and your gf getting upset and you telling her "we'll talk once you've calmed down". Man...... > >But anyway, congratulations for having a spine. You 100% did the right thing. She disrespected you and the relationship. If you allowed it to happen, it'd have happened again where she'd push the boundary further little by little until she cheated. > >You had work one weekend so she immediately goes to some bozo that likes her? If she's on her period and you're horny, can you go fuck your coworker since ur gf won't put out? Same stupid logic. > >Good job.

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Taminella_Grinderfal >I would have already been uncomfortable with the regular dinners. Maybe as a group work activity all this would be fine, but it’s unnecessary to spend that much one-on-one time with someone.

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mrhooha >Break up. She will be fine. She already has a new boyfriend.

---

Final update - after 8 days

^(May 11, 2026)

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[Update] I(29M) am planning to break up with my girlfriend(25F) because she made plans to go out one on one with a guy that likes her without consulting me?

Hi everyone,

Firstly, many thanks to everyone who contributed their opinions. I read them all and I would like to give everyone an update on what happened afterwards.

She kept contacting me to talk and in the end I decided to hear her out. She tried to apologize and make amends. As reluctant as I was, i decided to keep a small possibility that she did not actually cheat. Therefore, I asked her on the spot to let me see her chat with her coworker and she immediately refused. I asked another few more times and she refused them all and turned more hostile, starting to blame me for other matters in the relationship and diverting the topic. She was extremely slow to divulge details on how the date came about when I asked her and in the end gave very half assed answers that didnt answer my questions and kept crying.

Therefore, i ended it right there and she said that I did not fight for the relationship and I told her that no way I could continue when she was hiding so many things from me. A week later, i found out that they were planning to go on a trip together. I do still feel very depressed even though i was the one who initiated the breakup and felt the pain of betrayal. I hope that I can get over this soon.

Again, thanks to everyone for your opinions and kind advice, even to those who disagreed with me.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Electrical_Sun_7116 >Next time you see them, buy that guy a drink and say thanks for him doing you the enormous favor of showing you who she really is before you waste another second on her. That guy saved your life man, you owe him bigtime for taking that cheating liar off your hands!!

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Perfect_Delivery_509 >If it makes you feel better, she will come back when it implodes and yes it will implode. Dont ever talk to her again.

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Riker_Omega_Three >Never date a woman who expects you to "fight" for the relationship > >Women are not prizes...they are partners > >A woman (or man for that matter) who views themself as the prize...is not relationship material and will NEVER be relationship material > >PS: He was plan A, you were plan B. But she is going to soon find out that he was only interested in her because she had a boyfriend and wouldn't expect a relationship from him. Now that she expects more from him, he's gonna bail. I would bet good money on that

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I (25F) and my husband (30M) have been married for 2 years.

My husband (cop) recently went on a trip with his friends and used my suitcase. After he got back, I (engineer) found a handwritten note from another woman in the suitcase that immediately made me uncomfortable and suspicious.

I confronted him about it, and he explained that the suit he wore for detective bureau/work-related events was the same suit he wore when he went out with his friend during the trip, and that the note likely got left in the suit pocket and ended up in the suitcase accidentally. Based on what the note said, that explanation honestly did make logical sense.

At first I panicked and messaged the woman because I felt sick over the situation and didn’t know what to think. But while talking to my husband, I actually started feeling guilty and embarrassed for assuming the worst if it really was just an innocent misunderstanding. I ended up apologizing to her and explaining that I may have misunderstood the situation.

That’s when everything got worse.

After I apologized, she told me that she had sex with my husband.

My husband says she’s lying and thinks she could be trying to create drama or hurt him because of issues related to her own case/situation. But from my perspective, I also can’t understand why someone would randomly make something that serious up after I had already backed off and apologized.

What’s messing with my head is:

His explanation about the suit and the note honestly DID make sense.

I initially felt reassured enough to apologize to her.

Then she suddenly escalated things massively by claiming they slept together.

After saying she would call me, she stopped responding.

Now I feel like I’m stuck choosing who is more believable without actual proof.

I genuinely cannot tell if:

She’s telling the truth and my husband is lying, or

She’s lying/manipulating the situation and my husband is telling the truth.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to analyze every detail and figure out what’s real. Has anyone dealt with a situation where you had conflicting stories like this? How did you figure out the truth?

TL;DR Found a handwritten note from another woman in my husband’s suitcase after a guys trip. He explained that the suit he wore out with his friend was also used for detective bureau/work events, so the note accidentally ending up in the suitcase honestly made sense to me. I initially panicked and messaged the woman, but then felt guilty for assuming cheating and apologized to her for the misunderstanding. After I apologized, she suddenly claimed she had sex with my husband. My husband says she’s lying to create drama/hurt him. She then stopped responding after saying she’d call me. Now I genuinely don’t know who to believe and feel like I’m going crazy trying to figure out what’s true.

EDIT: the note was actually a list of questions to ask the woman for the I investigation but I interpreted as her name and number on there and her saying she owes him money. It also had a sticky note with her name and number. I can’t be more detailed

UPDATE: my friend just found a pic of her in front of a police car of the place my husband used to work at. Before I mentioned the fact that I found the note, I asked if he knew anyone by the name. He said ughh I knew someone from before we met and we worked at *this place* together. And this has to be a lie because the car details don’t match what he said, they match the more recent place he was at. I’m fucked

Hi, I’m 19 f and since I was little my parents had a big group of friends, one of them is kinda of a creep and I don’t know how to deal with it. Everytime we have a barbecue or a get together he always gets touchy, hugs me for too long, pulling me really close to him to a point that our faces are two inches apart, kisses me and compliments me too much and everyone is seem to be okay with this kind of behaviour, beside all that he can be funny, not because his in general funny but because his so insane and unfiltered it can be funny. But honestly I don’t know how to put boundaries with him without it turning into a thing, also he’s really bad at respecting those things. And I can’t talk about this to my parents because as much as I love them they don’t really take those kind of stuff seriously and say I overreact when it comes to things like that that make me uncomfortable. Any advice please? because it’s really hard to communicate at those gatherings at this point.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwmeaway1148

My [24 F] friend's [28 M] girlfriend [29 F] got publicly humiliated and fired from her job, she blames me and he is backing her

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Deception!<

Original Post Apr 17, 2016

My friend, let's call him Ted, and his girlfriend have been in a long distance for many years. The girl, let's call her Ellen, quit her job 8 months ago and came to live with him. During this entire time, Ted and I have been reaching out to everyone we know to help her get a job.

A few months ago, I noticed that the name of her last company was incorrect. When I pointed it out to her, she said that was on purpose as her company didn't have much of a reputation so she had basically lied she used to work at a much more respectable firm and put down her sister's name in references (who worked there). I told her she shouldn't have done that and most certainly not asked me to refer her to people with a blatant lie on her resume. She defended herself saying it wasn't a complete lie and she didn't make up work experience. I told her that's her call but I wouldn't be able to help her anymore.

After that, Ted and I were still on good terms but neither brought up the job hunt. Some time ago, she finally converted one interview and got an offer. She told me as well thanking me for all my help. I was genuinely happy for her.

She started the job immediately. A week into it, she was in an orientation session with all her peers and her manager publicly humiliated her for lying and asked her to immediately leave.

Ellen claims that while she was packing her drawer, she overheard him saying to another colleague that someone had tipped him off. She says that since only Ted and I knew about this, it has to be me. Ted says he doesn't believe I did anything but can't not support her as she's an "unemployed betrayed mess right now".

tl;dr: Friend's girlfriend lied on her resume, got fired, blamed me, friend says he has to sever ties with me. Should I try to prove my innocence by reaching out to employer or let it go?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ethelfleda

>Honey....people's actions prove who they are. Start distancing yourself from these liars who shift blame so they don't have to deal with their own issues.

OOP

>>And such a needless lie. You're right, shifting blame is exactly what she's doing. Playing the victim when it was her own mistake. I just hate that this has caused a rift with Ted.

~

Embarrassinghuman

>Don't say anything to the employer. She's using you as a scapegoat because she doesn't want to own up to her mistake. Let them be mad.

OOP

>>So true. There are stringent background checks done by employers, they don't wait around for tip offs from friends of employee. But these checks are usually completed before making the offer so I'm really not sure what happened there.

~

dragonfruitfly

>Often before making the offer but not always. I've seen a number of instances, including where I work, in which reference checks were done after an offer was made. HR probably assumes people who are applying for professional positions won't lie, as it's so easy to get caught. As we know, it does happen frequently. People do lie, often out of desperation.

OOP

>>Yeah out of desperation is right. But it's impossible to recover from if and when you get caught. In her case, it was so unnecessary

~

ramonadevine

> Honestly, so many companies won't contact the direct reference for a company and will often go straight to the HR dept. Or perhaps someone at this new company knew someone who worked at the company she lied about. > > She's short sighted and is just trying to scapegoat you. Take a step back and ignore her. Perhaps if you have any other mutual friends then do damage control before she attempts to turn any of them against you.

OOP

>>I wish someone had said this sooner. She's already gone and cried to our common friends as she now lives with them (Ted's two flatmates). My dignified silence hasn't made much of a case in my favor.

~

ijustneedausernameee

> I'm laughing at Ellen's belief that it had to be you who talked, instead of owning up to the fact that a blatant lie is pretty easy to verify especially nowadays with the internet. She clearly thinks she's a criminal mastermind. > > Also, her excuse for why she did it ("my employer isn't well known enough") is bullshit. I bet you ten bucks she was a horrible employee and trying to cover her tracks because she knew she'd never get a character reference.

OOP

>>Exactly. Her argument is that only I knew about it. Umm think again because I'm pretty sure the company you haven't worked for knows you haven't worked for them!

~

Happyendings4all

>Wait, did she tell them the REAL story, about how she tricked you and lied on her resume?? I'm assuming so because she had to have some reason to say you and Ted were the only ones that knew--and your so-called friends are FINE with that?? Don't let any of them work with you.... Plus, as I said, she tricked you because you said if she left the lie on, she couldn't use your letter of reference? Try to straighten it out but that whole group might not be worth much trouble, OP. Most people would be shocked that she would do that...isn't it illegal anyway, like fraud or something?

OOP

>> She told them that I was aware of the lie and had knowingly and willingly referred her despite that. And somewhere in the middle when the interviews started coming in and it got too real that she may actually get a job in the city, I got insecure and refused to help her anymore. She said to them that she still told me about the new job and I went ahead and did this to her. >> >> I'm guessing people are more focused on how horrible a situation she is stuck in.

Update 1 same post/Next Day (Apr 18, 2016

EDIT- Updating here. Just spoke to one of Ted's flatmates to ask what's going on. He said Ellen has basically weaved a very convincing story about me liking Ted and hence wanting her to not get a job here which she claims was the reason I had refused to help her earlier. She's been in tears, Ted tried defending me at which she started accusing him too. It's a mess and I'm not sure if I should say/do something here.

Update 2 Apr 21, 2016 (4 days later)

Original Post

Summary- My friend Ted's LDR girlfriend Ellen changed cities to live with him and his two roommates. Ted and I helped her hunt for a job for many months before I discovered a lie on her CV and confronted her about it. She said it was deliberate, she got a job recently, her lie got caught and she told Ted and others that I tipped off her boss to make her lose her job. Firstly, thanks to everyone for all your advice. It certainly helped to hear different perspectives.

As advised by many here, I dropped a one line text to Ted and one flatmate (I wasn't very close to the other one)- 'What happened was unfortunate and I understand that Ellen is upset but I obviously have nothing to do with this and hope you know that too. Speak soon. Cheers'. I didn't get a reply from either for 2 days, which is unusual but I let it be.

Yesterday, I texted one flatmate asking about weekend plans (as we all normally do something together). He replied with a huge wall of emotional gibberish which in summary meant this- that I had done what Ellen claimed without a doubt, that none of them expected such despicable behavior from me and that I should stay away

I tried calling Ted a couple of times, no reply. Today there was a check in on his Facebook with the four of them (and another friend) at a nearby beach.

tl;dr: "Friends" cut me off. Nothing to salvage here. Feels awful but for the best I guess.

FINAL COMMENTS

fartist14

>Since she basically lied about everything involved in this situation I wouldn't be surprised if she made up some convincing "proof" that you were the one who did it. It kinda sounds like she just wanted you out of her boyfriend's life and did what she had to do to get that.

OOP

>>Yeah and it's surprising because she never hinted towards being uncomfortable about our friendship before this ever

~

the_krusher

>If your friends are willing to believe a new girl that just entered their lives over you (and with no evidence...?), they were never real friends to begin with. I hope you can find better friends soon.

OOP

>>For all I know, she gave them "evidence". But for them to sideline and dismiss me completely after knowing me for as long as they do, yeah I need better friends. Thanks

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Last weekend was my father’s 90th birthday party in Sacramento. Family came in from different places. It was warm, emotional, and honestly really beautiful.

Then my ex wife walked in with the man she left me for 14 years ago.

We had been married 21 years. He was married too. Their affair blew up both families. One day she moved out and shortly after they moved in together. Back then I was shattered. I went through counseling, years of grief, PTSD symptoms, insomnia, obsessive thoughts. It changed me permanently.

What surprised me is that I had not seen him once since all of that happened.

Over the years, my ex wife and I slowly became friendly again. We exchanged memes on Instagram almost daily. We could laugh again. Life moved on. Or at least I thought it had.

Seeing him in person again hit me in a way I was not prepared for. It felt like my nervous system instantly remembered everything. I did not want conflict. I did not feel hatred. I just wanted distance.

At one point he walked up to me, extended his hand with this almost Cheshire smile and said, “Hi, how are you?” I completely froze. I could barely process what was happening in the moment. Fourteen years disappeared instantly and suddenly I was back inside one of the worst periods of my life.

What made the evening harder was that my ex wife publicly chastised me twice because she felt I had waited too long to greet her. The truth is I had barely even seen her yet because her back was turned to me most of the evening. Still, suddenly I felt like I was being judged for my reaction while the history underneath it disappeared entirely.

The next morning I had arranged brunch for my father, his partner, my date, and me. Through a misunderstanding, my ex wife and her partner were invited too. I quietly bowed out and told the host I was uncomfortable. She completely understood and apologized.

What stayed with me afterward was something deeper.

During my marriage, my ex wife often focused on my reaction to things while rarely acknowledging her own role in causing the hurt. Even after all these years, there has never been an apology for the affair or the devastation that followed. Somehow I still found myself wondering if I was the problem for having boundaries around the man connected to one of the worst periods of my life.

That realization shook me a little.

I think a lot of people who go through betrayal become very skilled at minimizing their own pain to keep everyone else comfortable. You learn to smile. You learn to coexist. You learn to stop talking about it because life keeps moving.

I honestly thought I was “over it” until this weekend reminded me that some experiences stay in the body long after they leave the calendar.

For those who have gone through something similar, have you ever unexpectedly encountered the person connected to your deepest heartbreak years later? How did it affect you?

I honestly don’t even know how to process my marriage anymore and I need outside perspective because my reality feels shattered.

My husband and I have been together for over 9 years, married almost 7. We built a home together, had a baby, renovated our house, planned a future. I moved countries for this man. I left behind my family, friends, familiarity, my support system — everything. I worked jobs I absolutely hated at times because we were prioritizing his schooling, career moves, and opportunities that would bring more income and stability for our future together. I truly believed we were building a life as a team.

About a month ago, my entire world collapsed.

I found out he had been cheating on me for over 3 years with escorts/prostitutes. Not one mistake. Not one drunken night. An entire hidden life.

And somehow it gets worse.

About 2.5 years ago he brought an STD home to me. I was completely blind to what was actually happening. When I confronted him, he turned it around on me and suggested maybe I had cheated. Then he reassured me it “couldn’t be him,” and I believed him. I genuinely thought maybe one of us somehow got it years ago and just never got tested for it. Thankfully it was something treatable with antibiotics, but mentally it destroyed me after learning the truth.

The hardest part is that he says he “didn’t want feelings attached” and “didn’t want to lose me.” Meanwhile I was home raising our 9-month-old, working full time, trying to survive postpartum, trying to hold our household together, and trying to make our relationship work — believing intimacy struggles were something we could heal together as a couple.

Then a month ago he admitted that during a training trip for his license in California, he hired an escort to stay with him at his hotel for multiple days. According to him, she stayed longer because she “liked him,” and over those few days he developed feelings for her. They started talking about an actual future together — her moving into my house, him proposing a polyamorous relationship, and building some fantasy life together while I was home with our child.

What completely shattered me is that they were even discussing creating a fake “origin story” for her so people in our lives would not know she was an escort if she moved here. It made me realize how deep the deception actually went.

And like a lot of people with betrayal trauma, my brain started spiraling trying to understand what was real and what was a lie. We shared passwords for years, and he was extremely good at hiding everything. Deleted emails, hidden conversations, lies layered on top of lies. But eventually I found email chains with other escorts and realized he had even tried inviting one to our apartment while I was away — during the same time I was pregnant and going through a difficult pregnancy.

That part especially broke something in me. The idea that strangers were being brought into the home and space I considered safe while I was carrying our baby feels deeply violating.

I also found messages, photos, plans, promises between him and the escort from California. And what hurts even more is that after everything came out, he promised he would cut contact with her, go to couples therapy, and focus on healing our relationship at least enough to become healthy co-parents. But he continued lying and continued contact behind my back again.

The craziest part to me is that no emotionally healthy person throws away a marriage, a family, a child, a home, and years of shared history over a one-month fantasy relationship with an escort. I knew for years that my husband had emotional issues and unresolved problems, but he refused therapy over and over again.

What they had existed in a completely controlled environment — hotels, trips, excitement, no responsibilities, no baby waking them up at night, no bills, no real-life accountability. Of course it felt exciting and easy. It was basically an escape from reality.

But I also think people in situations like this wear rose-colored glasses. They confuse fantasy, validation, and escapism with real love. Real relationships are built in ordinary life, through responsibility, loyalty, stress, sacrifice, and consistency — not during a few days in a hotel while paying someone to be there.

Looking back now, I realize how much instability he brought into my life long before I knew about the cheating. Constant impulsive decisions. Need for validation. Lying and exaggerating reality to impress people. Wanting admiration from everyone around him. I kept hoping maturity would come with time.

Financially, emotionally, mentally — I feel like I sacrificed everything for our future while he was living a double life. Over the past couple months alone, he spent thousands of dollars on this woman while our family life was falling apart.

What destroys me most is the level of deception. This wasn’t just cheating. This was manipulation of my reality for years. Taking away my ability to make informed decisions about my own life, health, marriage, finances, and future.

At this point, staying is no longer an option. I don’t recognize this person anymore and I don’t think trust can survive this level of betrayal. The part I’m struggling with now is accepting that the future I built my entire life around is gone, and figuring out how to rebuild myself after all of this.

Has anyone gone through rebuilding their life after something like this? How did you even begin?

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/After_Mail4652

Originally posted to r/Advice

I left my marriage for 8 months, had the time of my life and then went back. Biggest mistake ever.

Trigger Warnings: >!misogyny, weaponized incompetence, emotional manipulation, neglect!<

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Original post: April 30, 2026

I'm 30F, husband is 34M. we dated for 3 years before getting married. his parents live with us from the beginning.

Last year I hit a wall. The entire household runs on me. cooking, cleaning, managing everything for everyone including two fully grown adults who are perfectly capable of doing things themselves. It was exhausting with a MIL who's dominating and controlling.

I just left one day. Packed my stuff and walked out. Yes, there was a dramatic fight. I was just done.

And those 8 months were honestly the best months of my entire adult life. I slept properly for the first time in years. I travelled, small trips but they were completely mine. I cooked for myself, watched every show I had been putting off, met new people who just knew me as me. no in laws, no household to manage, no one needing things from me constantly. I was myself again. lighter, happier, more relaxed. I remember thinking wow I actually really like this person. When did I stop being her.

and then he came back.

calls every day, long messages, showing up, saying everything I had spent years wanting to hear. I miss you, I've changed, it'll be so different this time, please just come back. And I went back. because I'm human and because years of love doesn't just switch off even when part of you wishes it would.

Within weeks it was like those 8 months never happened. same house, same in laws, same cooking and cleaning and managing everything for everyone while nobody notices or says thank you. Same husband who says nothing when his mom oversteps. I'm not a wife here. I'm just the unpaid help.

the worst part is I think I already knew. I knew deep down that nothing had actually changed. I went back anyway because I wanted so badly to believe it would be different this time.

I'm 30, no kids, one year into this marriage. I know what the obvious answer probably is. but I want to hear from people who have actually been through something like this. Did anyone go back and have it actually work out. And if you left for good how did you finally find the courage to do it when everyone around you acts like you should just be grateful you have a marriage to come back to.

Be honest with me please. I can handle it. Sould I stick around here or move out again? (my husband refuses to move out with me. He says he wants to live with his parents always)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You and your husband are not compatible. I can see why he wants you there, he's getting a sweet deal. I can't see how you are benefiting from his desired living situation at all. Cut your losses and move on permanently this time. Before you have kids. Let him take care of himself and his parents. Sadly, love is not enough.

> OOP: May be I realised this too late that "love is not enough". because I went back for love. I stayed for love. I swallowed so many things for love.. And love hasn't changed a single thing about my daily reality. I still wake up every morning to a household that runs on me and a husband who thinks that's just how it should be. > > maybe we just want completely different things from a marriage and no amount of talking or trying or going back and forth is going to change that. He wants a traditional household and I want a partner. those two things just don't live in the same house.

Commenter 2: People are rarely able to fundamentally change. And if it's the exact same thing even after you went away and then came back, there's no hope for this too change in the future. You'd be better off making a clean break and walk away from this.

> OOP: I didn't come back to a different marriage. I came back to the same one with 8 months of distance between me and the reality of it.. and that distance made it feel new for about five minutes. And then it was just exactly what it always was. Same house, Same dynamic, same invisible feeling. Nothing changed because nothing was ever going to change

Commenter 3: You already know the answer….move on and be happy, he’s not willing to change for you.

> OOP: I know. I really do know. I just needed to say it all out loud somewhere before I could fully accept it. it's just really different knowing something in your head versus actually being ready to do something about it. My head has known for months. My heart is still catching up. It took me a lot of courage to leave the last time and of course I was shattered because of what happened.. but at least I was able to breathe then.. I feel like caged now. :(.

Commenter 4: And you lived just fine financially on your own?? Fantastic! Live your best life!

> OOP: I am financially independent :) just so y'all know there had been pressure on me from my in laws (specially my MIL) to quit working and focus on taking care of home & planning a baby. I was adamant on not quitting and this was also one of the major reasons of fights at home before I left. I was able to survive those months only because I had my job.

Commenter 5: If you have a baby, you will FOREVER be locked into the family, and that baby will then be raised to believe that YOUR LIFE is the NORM and if it is a girl that is HER FUTURE.

Would you want that for her? Would you want your child to have its mother be a SHELL? YOU KNOW YOUR ANSWER. Your husband has given you your answer. It’s sad and frustrating. I have left before. With a child. And had to start with nothing, and made a life.

Being able to sleep and being able to laugh and not feeling the weight of everything but our lives means a lot. YOU GOT THIS! As you have said you already know your answer. Go for it. You have nothing to lose....EXCEPT YOURSELF. CHOOSE YOURSELF.

Just sayin' (I love love love my child, but if you have one with said husband you will forever be tied to this family and it will be much harder for you to move on, and if there are no changes now, I doubt there will be any after a baby cause you will be too tired to fight/leave after) .

> OOP: I'm already exhausted now with just the two of us and his parents. add a baby and I wouldn't have the energy to think straight let alone plan a way out. I think that's honestly what everyone in that house is counting on. That eventually I'll be too tired to want anything for myself anymore. I refuse to let that happen. > > Child? NO! Quitting my job? NO! that's the clearest no I've felt about anything in a really long time. > > I have always heard that women are so strong. Now I see/feel why they say so. Women are. > > "Empowered women empower women." Truly seeing this here. Thank you to each and every strong women reading this here. I need that strength from each one of you. > > To the amazing men here supporting me: thank you for breaking the pattern and making me believe that "not all men are the same" :')

Commenter 6: Is your birth control tamper proof? This is the point he makes you stick around by getting you pregnant.

> OOP: Yes. I am safe! I have never wanted a child in this marriage. Not just because I don't feel ready or because the marriage is unhappy. But because somewhere deep down I think I always knew that a baby here would mean no way out. ever. I'd be tied to this house, this family, this dynamic forever. And I think my gut has been protecting me from that (and not quitting my job despite tremendous pressure) even when my heart was busy going back and giving second chances.

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Update: May 1, 2026 (next day)

Want to start with: thank you with my whole heart to everyone supported me yesterday. Thousands of kind strangers telling me I deserved better, to choose myself, to get out before it was too late. I read every single comment and cried through most of them. This was a life changing post for me.

Update: I showed my husband the post and all your comments. He read everything. We talked all night. Now I don't know what to think. Need advice again.

I handed him my phone, and I watched his face as he read. The post, the comments, all of it. He was quiet for a really long time.

And then he looked at me and said I had no idea it had gotten this bad. We talked all night. Properly talked. The kind of talking we hadn't done in years.

He apologised for never checking on me during those 8 months. Said he was too angry and too hurt, and he let that stop him from asking if I was okay. He said he should have spoken up for me more against his family. That he watched things happen and stayed quiet when he should have said something. He admitted that.

and then he made some promises.

On the baby front he said he finally understands why I've been so resistant. He said take as much time as you need, let's revisit it in two years when things feel more stable, and if anyone in the family pressures me before then he'll handle it. No more pressure, no more comments, no more pointed questions at family gatherings. He said when and if we have a baby it'll be when I'm genuinely ready. Not a day before.

on the work front he said nobody will ever make me quit my job and if anyone tries he'll shut it down. But then in the same breath he said that when it comes to choosing between work and family I'll need to choose his family. (his example was if his mom isn't feeling well I'd need to stay home and take care of her. Not go to work. family first in those situations.)

And on the living situation he was honest. More honest than I expected. He said he will never move out from his parents. They are everything to him and that is never going to change. But he said he'll make the environment at home better. easier. less suffocating. He acknowledged that the cooking and the household falls on me and said he'd try to make it more manageable. But also said his mom is aging and the men in his family don't cook so the cooking will still be mine to handle.

And now I don't know what to feel.

part of me is really moved that he read everything, that he sat with it, that he apologised and didn't get defensive. I know that's not nothing. But another part of me is sitting here quietly going through each promise and feeling something complicated.

The baby thing feels genuine. but two years is still a timeline someone else is setting for my body.

The work thing sounds supportive until you get to the part where his mom's health will always outrank my job. What happens when that becomes a regular thing. what happens when every other week there's a reason I need to stay home.

and the living situation. he said it so simply. My parents are everything to me and I will never leave them. and I believe him. I really do. But what does that mean for me. what does it mean for us. cooking before work and after work every single day for a household that will never shrink.

He said he'll make it a better environment. but what does that actually look like. better how. easier how. the same house, the same people, just with a slightly softer atmosphere?

I just want y'all to help me see this clearly. Thanks a million times again.

Edit: I know he's going to involve his mom in this today and tell her what I'm up to. But I know what I've to do now. I do not want this life. I left last time abruptly, in anger, hurt, and to come back. This time a stronger woman will be sitting in front of them, talking calmly, and making very clear that SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY ANYMORE and wants MOVE ON. I'm so grateful that I had this conversation with him yesterday. Never felt so firm before this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl get out, said with love It's all promises and manipulation, but you see through that.

You were strong enough to leave once, choose yourself and life can be as incredible as you let it

> OOP: Now I’m feeling glad I had that conversation with him. As hard as it was, it actually made things a lot clearer for me. > > When I got married, I really did believe it would be for life. I think most of us go into it hoping we’ll make it work no matter what. And I didn’t want to walk away wondering if I gave up too soon or didn’t try enough. > > But hearing him say everything so clearly.. what he can change and what he won’t. It kind of removed the confusion for me. In a strange way, it’s helped me feel more firm about the decision I’m leaning towards.

Commenter 2: He is literally telling you nothing will change and you are not his first priority

Just because he read it doesn't mean anything

> OOP: It took away a lot of confusion for me and happy y'all think so too. He didn’t sugarcoat things and in a way, that’s helped me see the situation more realistically instead of emotionally.

Commenter 3: So all he has done is apologise and give some pretty words about how NOTHING WILL CHANGE FUNDAMENTALLY, but he will SPEAK to his parents if OP raises it.

What a worthless man to anybody not his parents.

I would absolutely the fuck not be procreating with that piece of shit. He can go hire a bang maid and at least she will know the terms of the agreement.

> OOP: the conversation didn’t give me hope.. it gave me clarity!! > > Hearing him be so direct about things actually helped me let go of a lot of doubts I was holding onto. That has made me feel stronger about what I need to do next. There are not "what ifs" now.

Commenter 4: Sweetie, he wants a cook/maid/nurse for his parents and that’s a nonnegotiable for him. He’s not even considering hiring a cleaning or maid service even when you are struggling. Some women are satisfied with that. If that’s not what you want, it’s time to leave. None of that will change and it will get worse as his parents age and childcare rears its ugly head. It’s going to be more and more work.

> OOP: Regarding the maid service, I did try to talk to my MIL about this in the initial few months of marriage. She said we do not need it. We're only 4 people at home and we all can manage it. Maid service will be expensive for us. I told that to my husband and he said, "whatever mom says goes". I was literally out of words that day. This was the first red flag I saw after marriage.

Who handled the chores while OP was gone?

> OOP: It was my MIL who did manage house . Once I came back, she stopped. Not immediately but slowly she started holding herself back from chores citing her health issues. She rests all day now.

Commenter 5: He refuses to compromise or step up. What do you mean "men in my family don't cook"? That's ridiculous. Learn to cook. You're a grown ass adult who's capable of learning new things. Start cooking and cleaning. Also, why would you leave YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? He should leave his job to take care of his mom. She's HIS mom. Christ on a stick.

You were happier single. Go be single. This dude sucks. Well he might be a lovely person, but he's refusing to make minimal changes to benefit you despite the threat of losing you. So just leave.

> OOP: he has two working legs and two working hands and a perfectly functional kitchen that he has apparently never been required to use in his entire life. these are fully functioning human beings who managed to exist on this planet before I showed up. Somehow the moment I entered this house all of that capability just evaporated. because why develop basic life skills when there's a woman who'll just do it. I’m not a wife. I’m a convenience. > > I can't imagine how pathetic this whole mindset has started to feel. it's suffocating. Living here with each day has started to feel struggle now.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/dodongoqueen

I [24/F] was placed for adoption when I was a few weeks old. My birth mom's attourney contacted me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. But I don't want to meet her. Help!

Original Post Apr 6, 2015

I guess there's not much more to say.

Basically my parents adopted me when I was 3 or 4 weeks old. I don't know much about my bio mom other than I think the story is she was a teenage mom. I know nothing about my bio father.

I've never really been curious or had a desire to know the story or my bio parents either. The fact of the matter is my adopted parents are my REAL parents. They've raised me almost my whole life and half the time everyone, including me, forgets I'm adopted.

I'm now happily married and have a good start to my career. Recently an attourney representing my birth mother contacted me, saying my birth mother very much wants to meet me.

Reddit, while I'm grateful to my birth mother for placing me for adoption and for giving me the best set of parents and brothers (my adopted parents biological children) in the world, I am not very interested in meeting her.

I have no animosity towards her at all, as I said I am so greatful she gave me the best shot at life possible, but she is a stranger to me and I feel no pull, tie or even curiosity about her. I'm happy with my life and my family and this just seems like it would disturb that or throw it out of balance somehow.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting to meet my birth mom? I'm feeling really down about it. My husband supports me either way but he loves me like crazy and isn't the best for unbiased opinions. Neither my parents or my brothers know about this, just my husband, because I really don't want to involve them unless absolutely necessary.

And what should I say to my birth mom's attourney to make the rejection and let down as kind and easy as possible on my birth mom? I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to meet her.

TL;DR My birth mom placed me for adoption when I was only a few weeks old. I have a kick ass family. 24 years later my birth mom's attourney contacts me saying my birth mom wants to meet me. I have zero desire to see her. Is there a way to let her down easy or would I be a horrible person to pass this up?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bladedada

>I am no expert on the subject, but to me, it seems like your choice. She's extended the invitation, and you have every right to decline. No is a full sentence. You have every right to just respond and say no thank you. IF you want to do something about it, maybe take some time to write up a little "bio." A little essay about your childhood, your life, your husband, etc. The lawyer can give it to your birth mom. It might help her curiosity and assuage any guilt she has. I think that's a fair compromise. Since you have no ill will toward your birth mom, it doesn't seem like too much. Good luck!

OOP

>> Hmmm, that's definitely something to consider for sure. I asked her attourney if I could please have some time to think about it and he said to take all the time I need. >> >> This might definitely be the perfect compromise for both of us

~

whemifeellikeit

> Well, knowing who your birth mother is doesn't necessarily equal getting to know her or having a relationship with her. You don't have to want that. > > You don't have to want anything at all, and you're well within your rights to let the lawyer know this. > > Consider that it may be valuable in the future to at least know who and where she is, though. I mainly consider these things because genetic heritage is something valuable to know in cases of health/medical matters, and also because your children may care to know this information or what your ancestry can tell them in the future. Knowing where you came from can help in unforeseen ways sometimes. > > So if you feel inclined, perhaps write a letter to the attorney asking to know your mother's name and location and contact information, but write another letter for the attorney to forward to your birth mother saying that at this time, you're not ready for a meeting or a relationship with her. Say what you've said here, that you are very happy with your life, that you had a great childhood with a loving family, that you have a promising career ahead of you, and that you have a husband who loves you deeply and you him. That may be all she really wants to know... just how the baby she gave up turned out. Did she make the right choice? You may give her a lot of peace of mind if you just reach out with a letter this way.
> > Then, at some point in the future, you might have a change of heart or might want to pass the information down to your own children so that they can pursue it on their own.
> >Just some things to consider.

OOP

>>This was really good advice thank you. Hey, if it gives her peace of mind for her to know I had a fantastic life and a bright future ahead then that seems like the least I can do for the head start she gave me.

EDIT* Wow guys I can't believe all the responses! I log on and my inbox is overflowing! While I don't agree with all the responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. I'm still in the process of making up my mind but I think I know the route I'm going to take. I will give an update when something happens. Thank you again everyone!

Update - rareddit Apr 18, 2015

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded first of all. I took time to read all your comments and really think through them. Shout out also to my husband who has been my rock and confidant in all of this. For anyone who didn't read, this is the original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/31p3pd/i_24f_was_placed_for_adoption_when_i_was_a_few/

I just wanted to give a quick update and let everyone know what happened.

I decided to write a little bio about myself. I gave a brief synopsis of my childhood, my parents and my brothers. I wrote about my college major, my degree, my career, my husband and my plans and goals as well as some hobbies I like to do. I also included a few photos of me, my husband and my family. I also briefly thanked her for giving me a chance for a wonderful life and that I was very happy.

I sent everything to her lawyer and conveyed to him to tell my birth mom that I had thought long and hard about it and I'm just not ready for a meeting or any kind of relationship at this point in time but that I wanted her to have some takeaway. I also asked that if she had any relevant medical history on her side of the family or if she knew about any health issues my bio dad faced to please let me know as my husband and I plan on trying to start a family in the near future.

Her lawyer got back to me yesterday and said my birth mom was dissapointed about not being able to meet me but she was thrilled and greatful for the bio and pictures I had provided her and it was clear I had been raised well. And that she also wanted to tell me there were no major health issues in her family and to the best of her knowledge none for my birth father, but if anything came up, could she please contact me in the future?

I responded that he (the lawyer) is free to reach out to me at anytime if she has any relevant information in the future. I purposely said this because I don't want my bio mom just calling me out of the blue one day and possibly trying to harass me into having a relationship. I would rather do everything through a legal third party.

I reiterated again I don't want a relationship currently but I might be open to it someday (I doubt it) and they were free to keep my contact information and I would keep thiers just in case. Why burn bridges unnecessarily?

He thanked me and that was the end of that. I'm happy with my decision, glad I could give my birth mom some closure that she made the right choice and happy to be starting my life with my career and husband.

I know this isn't really the typical juicy stuff Reddit likes but it is what is and I just wanted to let all the people who took thier time to help me how it turned out. Thanks again!

TL;DR Gave birth mom a brief bio about me and some pictures. Found out that to the best of her knowledge there are no major medical problems. Keeping lines of communication open in case I ever change my mind about meeting her even though I doubt I will. All's well that ends well

EDIT: For some grammar and also I forgot to mention I told my parents and brothers about my birth mom contacting me, and telling them that I did not want to meet her but I did want to give her a quick blog about my life. I was worried my family would be hurt or not take it well, but nothing could be further from the truth. They were all super supportive and said they had my back no matter what decision I made and that they would love me no matter what. They are very proud and happy for the choice I made here. I am so greatful to have such an amazing family, I really am blessed.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7