u/Easy_Affect_223

Im out of words right now. I am feeling so much emotions at once that I feel so numb right now. I just found out I have no clitoris and I almost 22…

The reason why I found out so late cause I been to all girls private school my whole life, they didn’t teach us about sex education.

Last month, I was very suicidal. I wanted to kill myself but I didn’t want to die as a virgin. So I educated myself on sex so I can lose my virginity before I kill myself. Because in Islam, if you kill yourself then you won’t go to heaven so that’s why I wasn’t scared to not keep my Chasity since I’m going to hell anyways. (No worries I have no intention to kill myself now)

During the sex research, I seen article of the benefits of masturbation for woman. I was on my period so of course I didn’t try. I told myself I will do it when my cycle is over but then I forget all about it.

Fast forward to last night, I was bored and curious. I wanted to do masturbation for the first time, I put one finger but I felt nothing. It was just painful and numb. I was so confused because two fingers wouldn’t fit but one finger does nothing? So I watched a tutorial, I noticed I didn’t have a clit. Then it clicked in my head that I have gotten FGM. I was born in Somalia but I don’t remember anything from Somalia cause I moved to Kenya when I was only 6 months. I have type 1 FGM so it made sense why I didn’t feel that much pain compared to the other survivors of FGM. I assume cause I was only a baby, they only did type 1. I think if I stayed for Somalia any longer they would have done the types on me as I grew.

I am not crying, I just feel numb. I have some resentment to my mom for allowing this. I resent my community. I hate this horrible custom that is justified by religion. For those who don’t know, FGM is done so sex is painful for woman making them less likely to have sex before marriage. To cage women. It makes me want me to lose my virginity more just to rebel. I want to leave my religion. I hate how cause I was born a woman, I get treated like a object and not a human.

I F21 absolutely hate how I look so much, I haven’t posted a picture of myself in 13 years. Everytime my online friends ask for a face reveal, I catfish. Few months ago I discovered I don’t need to deep search a girl to catfish as and I can just catfish by using my AI photos. I spend 100 dollars a month for ChatGPT just to keep up with the lie cause I am extremely insecure of myself. I sometimes resent my mom cause I look like her and I don’t like it.

I hate it so much. I wish I was pretty. I never wear makeup cause I’m too ugly for make up to fix anything. My eyes looks like I’m in my 50s, I have crow feet and so many folds. My eyes are also red and my lashes are very short and itchy. I have massive smile lines. I have a huge gummy smile that whenever I smile only gyms show and my front teeth. My nose is so narrow and small. My lips are extremely small, that it disappears when I smile. And worst of all I have a recession jaw that makes the distance from my lips to my chin miles..

My mom worked double shifts just to afford my braces. I had very very messed up teeth, I always told myself that if I get braces I will be happy. So my mom spend 15k on braces on me to make me happy. But I’m still not happy. I see so many flaws. I hate it. A jaw surgery will cost like 10k then lip filler will cost more. I wish I just looked pretty.

My peak was elementary school. I used to be a pageant. I had so many trophies. I got put in a few commercials. I was so pretty when I was a kid. I don’t know what went wrong. Why did god take away the only good thing about myself.