u/CultureInner3316

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Positive-Rest6444

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Original Post - June 6, 2026

DISCLAIMER: this is a lot to read, but it’s worth it. and had to post again!

two days ago…i got a text from my boyfriend, now ex boyfriend, who was upstairs in his room btw, that said “im done” followed with “should i find a new place to live?”…um okay? what. let me tell you, i was CONFUSED. me being in the headspace i was, i was begging him to have a conversation with me in person about this. all i wanted was for him to open his door and let me know what even happened. but this dude hid in his room and ignored EVERY text i sent for over an hour. he finally answered and said “i don’t think we’re compatible” along with “i don’t think this is working out for us anymore”… every message sent started with “i don’t think…”. like what? at this point i am sitting outside his door knocking, because why am i being broken up with over text after 5 years??? he proceeded to ignore me for another 30 minutes. his final text he sent me that night was “i think i’m done and i’m not even trying to be an asshole”…you know what, fine. so i went to my moms and SOBBED.

at my moms place, i cried for a good 30-40 minutes, then…i just stopped crying. i ended up being SO mad over the situation. 5 years and you broke up with me over text??? in the same house??? my mom was just as confused as i was. i debated on staying at my moms that night, but then decided i’m going to stay in the damn place i pay for too. i went back to our shared place and spent the night there.

my friend ended up calling me and was just as dumbfounded as i was (she never liked him that much, but understood him and i’s relationship dynamic). i think if she didn’t call me that night, i would have not felt the way i do now. she described our relationship in an outside view perspective, and oh my god…what have i been dealing with for so long???

now…i’m not saying i was perfect, i started fights sometimes, and nagged over certain issues, and there was a point in our relationship where i was on the fence whether i should break up with him. but i will divulge in the specifics later on in these paragraphs.

the following day we didn’t speak at all, i had the whole place to myself while he was at work. i took that time to look for places for me to move in to, thought more about our relationship, and just got even more pissed over the situation. once he came home from work, he went straight into his room and turned on the shower at 7:40pm (this is an important detail). i texted him at 10:23 pm, after being ignored all day, that “we needed to have an in person conversation tomorrow”. his shower is still running 3 hours later, and he ignored me the rest of the night.

yesterday morning i went downstairs to my kitchen and WAITED for him to come downstairs before he went to work so i could confront him about ignoring me. i stood in the kitchen for about 15 minutes before he came down. i said “why have you been ignoring me” in a nice tone, despite how i was feeling. yet i was met with such attitude from him, he said “i have to go to work bro, i don’t have time for this”…understandable, he had to go to work…i wasn’t expecting him to have that conversation with me right then and there. but the attitude??? you broke up with me over text bro, why do YOU have an attitude with me.

that pissed me off for the next couple hours. so i took that annoyance and found myself a 1 bed 1 bath in the same complex we are living in right now (just because i love the area, its nice and quiet, and i wouldn’t have to move far). i obviously would prefer to move out of this town, but nothing is available for a decent price nowadays. i also ended up writing a text that i would send to him if he couldn’t speak to me face to face that night. and then i just waited….

he gets off at 7:10-7:20 every day. he didn’t come back until 9:40. immediately he got home and turned on the shower. i waited an hour to text him if we could talk after his shower (shower is still currently running). this was the text chain, verbatim.

him: “i can’t should i find a new place to live?”
me: “we need to have this conversation in person”
him: “no we don’t”, “i cant”
me: “what do you mean you can’t?”
him: “i just can’t i don’t have the heart to”
me: “you have to get over that and do it anyway”, “i don’t want to have this conversation over text”
him: “there’s nothing to talk about”, “do i need to find a new place to live”
me: “yes there is, we need to figure out what’s happening with this place”, “you at least owe me that right now, once we figure that out we don’t have to speak again”
him: “what do you mean what does talking in person have to do with anything”, “wdym i owe you this was your doing?”

my doing???? YOU’RE the one who broke up with ME over text. anyway….

me: “an in person conversation about what’s happening to our place”
him: “what does that change and what does that mean”, “what is happening to the place”
me: “that’s what we need to talk about”, “that’s all i’m asking”
him: “what does that mean what can’t be talked about over text or me just texting the property people”, “i’m not talking in person”, “i literally can’t”
me: “are you serious”, “you can”, “this is a conversation that needs to be talked about in person so we can figure out a plan”
him: “i just can’t this is the best for both of us this is what you wanted for a while”
me: “i am not asking for you back or to stay together”, “i am soley talking about what the plan is”, “can we end things on a good note and figure out a plan”
him: “it’s not on a bad note there is no difference between talking over text what is there to even talk about with the place you can just text me it?”
me: “you’ve been ignoring me for over a day, i’d rather this just be in person”
him: “there is no difference? i’m not talking tonight i have a headache and im stressed”
me: “seriously, i asked yesterday to have this conversation”
him: “yeah i just can’t”
me: “when can you?”
him: “idk”, “what needs to be talked about in person”
me: “this is ridiculous right now….i’m going to find my own place, something is available next month that i am going to get, so either you stay here and i find someone to live with you, or you pay for this place on your own if you want to live by yourself”, “there’s more stuff regarding the lease that would be easier to talk about in person”
him: “i can’t talk in person and i know it’s ridiculous”
me: “so i need to know the plan”
him: “i’ll pay for this place my self until the lease is up”
me: “okay”

to start off, i am thankful he is willing to pay for this place himself until the lease is up, that takes a lot of stress off me…it’s a very kind thing to do, and i appreciate him for that. but…to not be able to have a face to face conversation with me after 5 years of being together??? that is so disrespectful.

now let me tell you all i have done for this man.

he is not a clean person, even before we lived together, i would have to pick up his room at his moms place because he wouldn’t do it by his own will. his “trash can” is the floor under his desk. he would throw his trash on the floor and leave it there for WEEKS, enough to the point where it piled up almost to the height of his desk. i gave him trash bags to incentivize him to throw it away, but somehow that trash bag ended up in a random corner of his room. his dirty laundry is always all over the floor, i even gave him one of my extra large laundry baskets to help him out. but clearly that never worked. he would sleep on his mattress without sheets for weeks if i didn’t make his bed. one day, i spent over 9 hours doing all of his laundry and putting it away for him, reorganizing his drawers, his closet, where he keeps his towels, and not even a week later, it was back to how it was before. i have had to scrub his toilet, shower, sink, and floor because somehow there was pee everywhere. back to the shower point, he would run his shower for HOURS…enough to where the pain has completely peeled in his bathroom from all the moisture. he would fall asleep on the toilet or bathroom floor. no matter how many times i told him to not run the shower for that long, he still did it anyway. now before i go further…i have ocd, i am a very neat person. i am not perfect, i sometimes leave a pile of clean clothes on my floor that i’m too lazy to put away for about a week, or have empty monster cans on my desk, sometimes i don’t do the dishes for about a week because i forgot about them. BUT i always ended up cleaning it up without being told. i spent the past year and a half of my life cleaning up after him, trying to help him manage his money better, and get him into good habits. i was his mommy. yes, he took care of me financially, but you’re a grown adult, i shouldn’t have to tell you to clean your room. i have two cats, why would i want them to possibly get into the trash on your floor and get sick.

one time i went on vacation for a week, i came back to the place smelling like SHIT. why? because since i wasn’t there, there was an insane amount of trash on his floor, smelling up the entire place.

this led me to not want my mom to ever come over, she came to our place maybe 2 times out of the year and a half i was living here. my mom is my best friend, we have a very close relationship. the fact i was too embarrassed to have her over tells me a lot.

despite the cleanliness situation, he would never spend time with me. there was a point in time for about 3-4 months where he was never home until late at night getting high with his friends, and then hopping on games with them right when he got back. i game A LOT, so i have no issue with the fact he would play games, it’s just that he would never make time to play with me. he would spend maybe 5 minutes with me in total everyday. it was absolute hell. i would tell him about it, and it was a fight every time. during that period we didn’t ever have sex. and his excuse was “my friend and his girlfriend haven’t had sex in a year”. oh i’m sorry? am i your friend, am i his girlfriend??? no, i’m not…so i’m not even sure how that correlates.

now i am not putting the blame ALL on him for the duration of our relationship. i dealt with a lot of stuff for so long that there was always resentment and issues. during the time he wouldn’t spend time with me, i picked fights just so i could get an ounce of attention even if it was negative. i sometimes wouldn’t speak to him for a whole day because i was annoyed i had to clean his room for him. there are plenty of things i did wrong, but i believe it all comes from a place of reason whether he sees it or not.

another thing was promises. i told him when we first got together that promises and pinky promises are held to the HIGHEST standard with me. if you promise me something, you have to follow through with it. if you can’t do that, then don’t promise me. he would break promises CONSTANTLY. he would promise me he’d clean his room, or take out the trash, or not take my drinks or food. in the past year, he hasn’t kept a single promise other than taking care of the cats when i’m gone. i slowly started to lose trust in his word. he would tell me things i wanted to hear then never act upon them. i shouldn’t have to remind you for 5 days in a row to clean the trash off your floor…after you promised me it would get done the first night. or i shouldn’t have to hide my drinks and food in my room just so you don’t eat them in one night, after promising you wouldn’t do so. from the broken promises, became lies, he would lie over little things…like getting high, or ordering food at night when we both promised we would eat better. he would shove door-dash bags under his bed and they would MOLD. and the ones that weren’t old, he would convince me that they were from so long ago, when the receipt would show it was ordered last night, or the day before. i have never lied to him in my life, let alone broke a promise.

i was never taken on dates, he never truly wanted to spend time with me (disregarding the past two months of our relationship, he spent more time with me towards the end, that’s why this whole thing surprised me). he never just planned anything for us for us to do. most of our relationship living together was me helping him be a clean person, being disregarded, and left alone.

i take this as a big win. this is not what i deserve. i don’t deserve to be broken up with over text while he is in the other room. i don’t deserve someone who can’t have a face to face conversation with me after the fact. and i deserve someone who wants to spend time with me without me having to beg for it. i thought i would be more sad over the whole thing, but i honestly just feel relief.

my little snack: açaí bowl with mango, honey, and granola in hawaii

UPDATE - June 18, 2026 (12 days later)

EDIT: here’s the link to my first post: bf of 5 years broke up with me over text while living in the same house.

So. This is my little two week update after all this went down.

Since that night, he has not spoken to me since. It’s mostly him hiding out in his room whenever gets off work or on his day off.

I have reached out to him over text for housing related questions, because….well, there needs to be SOME sort of communication. When I reached out, the question from him followed: “are you 100% sure you’re done?”, along with “is this what you really want?”. Yes, this is what I want…and NEED. You can’t break up with me, ignore me for two weeks, and expect me to get back with you!

With that….I FOUND MYSELF A PLACE!!! It’s a nice little 1 bed 1 bath with my own balcony! I move in at the end of the month! I am so excited to be able to be on my own, in my own space, CLEAN space, and be able to invite whoever I want over without feeling ashamed.

I have reconnected with people these past two weeks, and made some new friends as well! I have never been better. I am actively looking for a job at a vet clinic to help further my career. I have the motivation and confidence to do things now, because I am on my own. I was so dependent for so long that this is all so exciting for me. I am doing things I never thought I would do.

My skin has never been clearer, most of my anxiety went away, my hair isn’t falling out as much anymore. I have truly never been better. I am not settling for anyone anymore, I know what I want and how I want to be treated. I FUCKING love life!!!!!

Little dinner: SCALLOPSSS 😌

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/aitaconditioner

Ending is inconclusive as user is now banned.

Original BORU

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for making my daughter use dollar store shampoo and conditioner - May 20, 2022

My wife and I have 3 daughters. Oldest is 16, middle is 14, and youngest is 10. My entire family and my wife’s family all has straight hair. My oldest and youngest also have straight hair. Then there’s my middle with curly blonde hair and green eyes. The rest of the family has brown hair and brown eyes. I admittedly am not very close with her because I had doubts that she was mine and I had a hard time bonding with her due to that.

My middle daughter insists that she needs special shampoo and conditioner because of her curly hair. She found some that wasn’t too expensive so I bought it for her, but she goes through the conditioner like water. She came to me after a little over a month and said that she needed another bottle. I told her she doesn’t and that her conditioner should last her at least another month but probably longer but she insists that you need to use a lot of conditioner for curly hair. I bought her another bottle and told her to use less because she wasn’t getting another one for at least two months.

She used it again in a month so I bought her shampoo and conditioner from the dollar store. She had a meltdown about how this is going to ruin her hair and that she just got it to a place where she liked it and it was manageable (she blames us for her hair being uncontrollable for most of her life because we didn’t learn how to take care of curly hair, even though it’s not different than straight hair). She even threatened to shave her head, which I know she won’t do because she’s obsessed with her hair.

Now she’s refusing to speak to me and she’s being extremely disrespectful to me and my wife. My wife thinks we should give in but I think she needs to learn her lesson. AITA?

Verdict: Resoundingly YTA

----

Relevant comment:

INFO: Are you poor? Is money really tight for you?

OP: No

Update (original link not available on Reddit, but can view on Arctic Shift)

AITA for making my daughter run away because of her curly hair? - June 2, 2022

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my post so I felt that I should post an update.

My middle daughter ran away a couple days after I posted my original post. We found out she had been planning this for months. My oldest daughter was in on it and helped her hide the fact that she’s been working after school for months. She taught her how to hide her money and showed her what to put in her bag and where to hide it. When they were leaving for school, my middle daughter had a new backpack. My wife asked about it and middle said that it was her friend’s but she didn’t want it so she gave it to her, which was completely plausible considering that friend gives her stuff all the time. A couple hours later we got a call from the school saying that my middle daughter wasn’t there. My wife came home and checked her room and she found a note on her dresser saying that she couldn’t handle living with me anymore.

My wife has a sister around 45 miles away and our middle daughter showed up to her house after being missing for 3 days. She refused to go home and threatened to run away again if she tried to make her see us.

At first my wife told me to move out so our middle daughter could come home but she quickly realized that she can’t afford to live in our house on her income alone, plus our oldest and youngest deserve to have their parents together, so middle is going to stay with her aunt until we figure out a plan that works for everyone.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I have a Kenmore model 385.15208400, unknown age. Got it from friend of my mom's who hadn't used it in who knows how long. It is making a thumping noise and tearing/dropping my thread. I have replaced the needle with universal Schmetz 12/80 needle and pushed it up as far it'll go. Fabric is jersey and set at 3 zigzag. I am VERY new to sewing, only started 2 months ago so please be patient!

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Sorbet1941

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (32F) fiancé (37M) is a homicide detective, and I’m starting to feel like he treats me more like a suspect than a partner.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, invasion of privacy, gaslighting!<

Mood Spoilers: >!scary, abuse of police power!<

Original BORU

Original Post: November 7, 2025

My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years. He’s a homicide detective. My friends immediately started side-eying me. They said don’t date a cop, it’s not worth it, they’re all abusive, etc. None of them have ever actually dated a cop, so I found their opinions more annoying than anything else. I just felt like they were basing their judgment off a stereotype. My mom said similar things, but she dated a cop who was former military with PTSD like 49 years ago and based everything off that

Lately though, a few things have started to bother me. I don’t know if it’s just that these incidents seem to be more frequent or if I was just willfully blind to it before. I’m just bothered by these things now.

He records our arguments. I’ve known about that for a while. He told me it was “to make sure we remember things correctly and communicate better,” and I believed him at first. I didn’t like it and I thought it was petty and stupid. I asked him if he saved the recordings and he said he deletes them once the argument was resolved. I’ve since found a folder on his computer labeled with dates and times and they’re recordings of arguments or other conversations we’ve had going back over a year!

He notices tiny changes in my behavior and asks questions in a way that feels more like an interrogation than concern. I also recently discovered he’s done background checks on some of my friends and co-workers.

Sometimes his phone buzzes and he steps out for hours without explanation, but he just says he’s “handling work stuff” whenever I ask. He makes cryptic comments like, “You know I only trust what I can verify,” or “I like to know everything that might matter” when it comes to things between us…not strictly talking about work, then he laughs it off, but the words stick. It’s hard to tell when he’s joking and when he’s serious.

I love him, but it’s like sometimes I feel like he’s treating me like I’m some sort of suspect. He doesn’t seem to trust anyone, including me! Every little disagreement feels like it could be “evidence.” Recently he’s made some comments related to having kids, about having a tracker on them at all times and never letting them spend the night at friend’s houses (this came after I told him that people at work were saying their kids don’t have sleepovers like we used to have). He said he’ll never let his kids spend the night at somebody else’s house and that he’ll do background checks on every parent of our kids’ friends and teachers. I feel like these sort of comments are becoming more frequent and it’s just escalating.

How do I handle this with him? How do I discuss this in a way that won’t just turn into a dumb argument that he inevitably records for no good reason? I honestly don’t know how to bring this up to him. I’ve considered telling him he needs therapy because he cannot continue to live life so suspicious and paranoid about everything and everyone. I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse that.

(Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So he's controlling and suspicious which are precursors for coercive control and abuse. People warned you.

OOP (downvoted): I wouldn’t really say he’s controlling.

Commenter 2: Holy shit why would you want to stay with this unhinged person? This is personality disorder/mental illness territory and that is completely unethical that he does background checks on people without their consent. You should run, not try and figure out how to make an abnormal person be normal. It isn’t going to happen.

OOP: Unhinged? I mean maybe if he worked in a completely different kind of work. I feel like I understand where most of it comes from at least.

Commenter 3: They have the highest rates of spousal abuse and infidelity. But you ignored every warning so why would you suddenly listen now? Don’t. Date. Cops.

OOP: It doesn’t mean every single one is abusive and/or a cheater.

Commenter 4: Don't gaslight yourself. He's controlling, does not trust you, and disappears for hours and won't say why. He lied about keeping records of your arguments, and you say you can't tell when he is serious and when he is joking.

You won't realize how bad he is until you defy him. You are already walking on eggshells out of fear. Let your friends and family know your doubts. He will get more dangerous when you try and break away, you will need people to help when that happens.

OOP: I truly don’t think I fear him. I might be really annoyed by his behavior but I don’t feel unsafe.

I basically had to give him an ultimatum regarding our relationship and getting engaged, so he didn’t seem desperate to ensnare me.

Is OOP happy in her relationship? Is she getting anything out of it?

OOP: I feel happy in the relationship most of the time. This isn’t how he is 24/7. Well internally it probably is, but we do have fun together. He is enjoyable to be around for the most part. I feel secure with him.

My comment about giving him an ultimatum is probably coming off wrong. The commitment aspect is difficult for him, and I don’t mean in an infidelity sense. He doesn’t like the vulnerable aspects of a serious relationship. He’s also terrified to have kids because of what he’s seen in the world and he knows I want a family soon. So, he was scared to commit to that. And he’s been honest about all of that. I think I’ve been understanding but at the same time wasn’t going to forsake what I wanted because he was too scared. I essentially told him we either had to decide if we were heading in that direction or not.

Commenter 5: You love being monitored, recorded, interrogated and controlled? This is the life you want for yourself? Your future children? What happens when he decides you’ve done something wrong and it’s his job to “correct” your behavior? Will you submit to his punishments because he knows best and you need to earn his forgiveness? What happens when he decides your crimes are unforgivable? Do you want to find out?

Commenter 6: She'll end up on ABC's 20/20 True Crime Documentary with her being the "un@lived" victim.

Her friends and mom warned her but she didn't listen. A classic pattern in most of these true crime documentaries.

OOP: They didn’t warn me about him specifically, it was just about dating cops in general. My mom loves him now (although she doesn’t know about some of the things I’ve posted about here).

Commenter 7: He told you he'd delete the recordings - he didn't. That wasn't an accident.

How many other things is he telling you what you want to hear about but actually totally disrespecting your wishes on.

I'm just gonna say it - the recording messages is pretty psycho behaviour. I've never heard of an example where that ends well. It hints at a severely controlling and manipulative personality. Also, you didn't consent to it to begin with, you've been kinda pushed into it.

My key question would be - how often does he quite you back to you to undermine you? Cause that's the flag so red it's on fire thing.

It kinda sounds like he's stringing you along regarding marriage and kids and maybe holding it over you like a carrot on a stick - so you'll comply with increasingly unreasonable demands to get it. He's nearly 40 (grow up) and you're at age where if you want a family/ multiple kids, and you've together for years, this fucking around is wasting your time/ your fertility.

That said, not sure you should procreate with this dude, he sounds controlling - imagine if he wants to record arguments with your kids... You'll end up trapped at home with him calling the shots even more than now. The background check thing - tbh I'd relate to that bit, people are sketchy and abuse is unfortunately common.

Seeing terrible things, fine, that's traumatising - you go to therapy. You don't weaponise your trauma against your partner who's done nothing wrong...you have not killed anyone, you don't deserve to be treated with suspicion.

You're friends and your mom were right to be worried.

OOP: I now realize that based on all the comments here this will sound ridiculous, but I never considered the recording thing to be psychotic or “unhinged” or anything like that. I found it annoying. I thought it was stupid. And yes, I realize that should have been enough for him to stop doing it. I just told myself it was something I felt was stupid but made him feel better for a reason I could t understand, and just let it continue because I didn’t see it as harmful. I was more upset that he lied about deleting them. It’s the lie that bothers me.

I’m sure it probably sounds like I’m being argumentative here, but that’s not my intent. I can’t really think of any “demands” (disregarding the recording aspect). I’m sitting here trying to think of any “demands” or things he’s tried to make me do or not do and I can’t really think of anything abnormal.

The background check thing wasn’t that weird to me. It’s not like he’s done it on everyone I know (as far as I’m aware). I’m sure he did one on me too (he didn’t say yes verbally but basically admitted it when I asked), but I’ve often heard of women doing one on new men they start dating.

I don’t quite understand your question here: My key question would be - how often does he quite you back to you to undermine you?

Has OOP's fiancé been distancing / isolating her from her friends and family?

OOP: He hasn’t distanced me from anyone. I see my family and friends whenever I like and as often as I’d like. He spends time with my family too and my mom really likes him.

I spend time with my family and friends as often as I want, without him needing to be there. I have hobbies that I do alone. I feel like I can do what I want on a day off. I just took a few days off for one of my hobbies, which is something that doesn’t involve him at all. I don’t ask him for approval when spending money. I don’t feel like I need his permission to make plans. Sure, if I was going to be at home at my normal time and decided to stop somewhere on the way I’ll tell him, but I’m telling him - not asking for his permission. He does the same.

I don’t have any close male friends and I would never go out to eat after work with co-workers. Not because of him. I just don’t happen to have any close male friends and I don’t like hanging out with my co-workers after work.

Update: December 15, 2025 (a bit over one month later)

Update: My (32F) fiancé (37M) is a homicide detective, and I’m starting to feel like he treats me more like a suspect than a partner.

I think a good starting point would be for me to admit that I do believe my fiancé is a good man. He’s not cruel, he’s not an aggressive or violent man, and he believes with all his heart that he’s right most of the time. Of course, I realize a lot of people were pretty negative in their comments towards me in response to my original post, and part of me wants to thank you all for your concern, but another part of me wonders if part of this negative response is simply because of the nature of his work.

After sitting on all of this for a few days, I decided I couldn't put off this conversation anymore. I told him that we have to talk and this isn't about winning an argument. I began with the recordings. I told him I knew he had been stockpiling arguments with our friends going all the way back a year ago and how it makes me feel violated and threatened. He did not deny this. He explained to me why he holds them: "in case things ever get twisted" and "protecting himself." To hear my fiancé speak of our relationship in a way that implies he considers our life a potential lawsuit threatened me.

When I mentioned this style of questioning me and observing small shifts in my behavior, he explained that this is simply "how his brain works" and that given all he's observed in his work, he can’t simply shut it off. He explained to me that pointing out details doesn’t mean he believes I am doing anything incorrect, simply that he likes to "verify rather than assume." He told me most detectives' girlfriends simply "get used to it," leaving me to wonder if this is a common fact or simply a defense people make when they’re in fact engaging in poor behavior.

The background checks on my friends and colleagues escalated into a bigger problem. He confessed to doing them and stated definitely he would do the same on people in relation to our future children. He did not think it was an invasion of privacy but ‘being informed.’ Those people with nothing to hide did not need to worry.

The talk about children was most sobering. He doubled down on trackers, no sleepovers, and careful screening of every adult in their lives. When I called this controlling, he said “Healthy doesn't matter if they’re safe.” That phrase has stuck in my head since.

I asked him if he trusted me. He paused for a very long time before answering me. He finally said that he trusts me as much as he trusts anyone else. I think he did not realize how very unnerving this answer was.

I just want to know where his limits are. I asked him what would happen if we broke up. He said he would never do anything illegal, but that he thinks a man must take care of himself all the time. what’s the even supposed to mean?

I‘ve asked for some space and am currently staying with family. He didn’t appear angry, and I really thought he would get attitude about it and accuse me of being dramatic. he acted very coldly and matter of fact about it.

While I am not putting an end to our engagement just yet, I‘m definitely considering everything. As much as I love him and think he genuinely wants to do good in our relationship, I don’t want a life where I am observed, recorded, and assessed rather than being in a relationship where I have someone’s support. Moreover, I don’t think I can raise children with a man who prioritizes control over trust.

(Editor's note: again, OOP has made lots of comments, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses)

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to move away from her fiancé

OOP: I’m not in the position to move far away.

Commenter 1: Healthy doesn’t matter if they’re safe is something the villain in a Disney cartoon says before attempting to forcibly lobotomize everyone on the planet.

You’re dealing with an obvious sociopath. He’s not clocking the same emotions you are. That’s not his fault but maybe with some education he could learn that that sociopathic shit is actually bad not good like his cop buddies tell him?

OOP: I have a hard time believing he’s a sociopath.

Commenter 2: Why, when all of his behaviours and responses are cold and inherently sociopathic?

OOP: He doesn’t normally act cold toward me. On a day to day basis he’s caring.

Commenter 3: Good people don’t stockpile evidence to use against their spouse “just in case”.

You want to believe he’s good because it will shatter your world if he’s not.

OOP: Yes it would. I still love him. I still envision him as the father of my future children. I have a whole life planned with him and I don’t want to give it all up.

Has OOP's fiancé been in a relationship prior to OOP?

OOP: He was in a relationship for 5 years prior to me. He always said they broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t want to.

Well he’s never painted her as crazy. He doesn’t talk bad about her or anything.

Does OOP's fiancé have any tracking apps on her car, phone, or listening devices?

OOP: None that I’m aware of.

OOP on her fiancé controlling her

OOP: I don’t feel like he controls me. Oh you’re just in denial everyone says. I’m not denying everything else I’ve shared, but I don’t feel controlled by him at all. He never stops me from going anywhere (except when I want to walk to the end of the street at night to get the mail). He doesn’t control who I spend time with.

I just don’t see what he does as controlling towards me. It might be other things, how is it controlling?

OOP not understanding why many are not agreeing with her thoughts of her fiancé being a good man

OOP: For some reason, people on the Internet think somebody in my position is going to read their advice and what? just immediately act on it? People get mad that they give advice and the person listening doesn’t immediately make the decision to completely change most aspects of their life within a few hours of receiving that advice? You have to remember I’m in it. I’ve been in a relationship with him, live with him, am engaged to him. He’s 100% bad to everyone here but it’s a lot more complicated for me, the person who actually knows him and loves him. I get that to people here it’s like “why haven’t you already left him?” But it’s a lot easier for somebody not actually in the situation to say that, and it’s a lot more black and white for those not in the situation too.

Comments like yours are not helpful though. If you are trying to be helpful, please know they make somebody like me more defensive. They don’t make me want to listen to anything you have to say.

I’m not living with him right now. I’m evaluating things. I’ve put some distance between us. It’s not like I said “yeah, so I decided to go off my birth control and am trying to get pregnant now.” We haven’t even slept together in weeks, let alone me actually having a child with him anytime soon.

I’ve spent years picturing us having a family together. It’s not so easy to just erase all of that in my mind or heart. I think some people would be able to understand that I can feel that way while still questioning whether I should or would actually have children with him.

OOP on her thoughts of having children with her fiancé and if she would let her future children be under his control

OOP: While I do think his vision is parenting is somewhat paranoid and has great risk of crossing over into controlling, the specific things he’s talking about aren’t really that crazy though. How many parents track their kid’s location using their phones just for safety purposes? If your child is spending a lot of time around and in the care of other adults, being driven around by other adults, etc. is a background check really abusive?

It might be extreme to many of us, but I don’t think it’s abusive toward the children involved. God forbid you find out somebody who might be regularly transporting your kid has a history of DUI or a very bad driving record. The no sleepovers thing, while I don’t agree with it, also doesn’t seem actually abusive.

I grew up having sleepovers with friends either at my house or at theirs almost every weekend, so I can’t imagine being a kid and not having that experience, but I’ve come to learn that it’s actually sadly become a lot more common to not allow sleepovers. He’s even said his kids could go to somebody’s house (and yes, we obviously all know he’d have background checked the parents), but he would pick them up at like 10:00, no overnight.

So, while yes this is a bit paranoid and controlling, and he and I definitely have differences in opinion about some of these things related to kids, I don’t necessarily see how it can be construed as “abusive,” especially when you’re talking about kids in grade school-middle school.

Does anyone in OOP's life know about the background checks that her fiancé did?

OOP: No I’ve never told anyone about the background checks. He’s never admitted to doing one on every single person we know, just people he find “questionable” and some co-workers of mine he was “concerned” about. And yeah I get that what he admits to doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

NEW UPDATE
My (33F) husband (37M) is a homicide detective and I’m worried his job is consuming him again now that I’m pregnant - May 8, 2026 (5 months from last post)

About 6 months ago I posted here because I felt like my fiancé treated me more like a suspect than a partner because of how much his job affected him. He’s a homicide detective and had become extremely suspicious, hypervigilant, anxious, controlling about safety, recorded our arguments, etc.

We got married in mid-April, as planned. So he’s my husband now. 

Sometime in January I finally told him very directly that things could not continue the way they were. I told him he needed to either seriously address how much this job was affecting him or reconsider the kind of work he was doing. I actually took my engagement ring off and gave it back to him and said I wouldn’t put it back on until he figured out what he was going to do. It wasn’t a screaming fight or dramatic scene or anything like that. I was calm. He wasn’t calm at first, but eventually we had a real conversation where he admitted he didn’t actually like living this way. He admitted he felt constantly worried something bad is going to happen to the people he loves, that he was depressed and anxious all the time and he knew it was affecting him too. 

He decided to start therapy in February. and has been going consistently every week ever since. He’s doing the assignments/homework they give him and putting in effort. I genuinely started seeing a difference in him. He seemed lighter, in a better mood, and more positive about things. I really thought things were getting better.

I found out I was pregnant a week before our wedding. It was very early, as I took a test within a few days of missing my period. The pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned to happen right now, but it also wasn’t a huge accident. We had planned to casually start trying as soon as we were married by just no longer using any forms of birth control or prevention and seeing what naturally happened. So, I stopped taking birth control a few months before our wedding since I’ve known several women who have had trouble getting pregnant immediately after going off birth control. I just wanted to give my body some time to regulate itself. We were both in agreement on this and planned to use condoms for a few months before the wedding. It turns out I’m 1) not one of those women who needs a break from birth control before successfully conceiving and 2) we don’t really like the feel of condoms and we both enjoyed the risk of what could happen a little too much. So we ended up forgoing the condom half the time. I would have preferred for it to happen after we were married, but I was still elated about it.

When I told him, he was incredibly happy. His reaction was great. He smiled nonstop for days. He was excited, affectionate, supportive, talking about our future.

I’m only 9 weeks pregnant now. The pregnancy is very early. I found out when I was 5 weeks. I just had my first obgyn appointment yesterday. Our honeymoon was only a week long - wish it could have been longer but just not really good timing for my job right now. He was so positive about the pregnancy and having a baby during that week. There was no talk about being paranoid about our future child’s safety, any worries, none of that stuff about tracking our kids that he always mentioned before. He seemed more relaxed about it than me, whereas I had started to worry about every little thing. He was the one having to make me relax and not worry about it. 

Now that the wedding and honeymoon are over and we’re back to real life, he seems to be having reservations about having a kid now. He says he got back to work and starting thinking about all the things he’s seen involving children and he remembers why he had previously decided he didn’t want kids. He’s back to saying he’s sorry but he will be tracking our child at all times, they will not go over to friend’s houses and if they are allowed it will not be overnight and only after he’s fully vetted them, he doesn’t know how he’ll trust anyone around our child, that he’s seen more than 1 dead child at a daycare so he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that daycare staff can’t be trusted, and so on and so on. He’s said he doesn’t know if he can do this and that if we feel two totally different ways about all of this stuff that maybe we shouldn’t have this baby right now. 

The last comment honestly devastated me because this pregnancy is very wanted by me, and up until recently I truly believed it was wanted by him too. 

I don’t think he’s saying these things because he doesn’t love the baby already. I think he’s terrified. I think his job has shown him the absolute worst things that can happen to children and now he’s panicking about becoming a father.

I just don’t know where the line is between understandable fear/anxiety and behavior that could become unhealthy for both me and our child long term. I don’t know what more to require of him though. He’s going to weekly therapy sessions. I’m sure he’ll be talking about this but what if it doesn’t help? 

How do I support someone who is genuinely trying and in therapy, while also protecting myself and my future child from being consumed by his fears?

What we are all thinking

>You posted in November about how abusive your husband was and yet you STILL decided to actively have a baby with him. That poor baby.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP