r/redditonwiki

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Apart-Landscape220

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not wanting to help with my niece’s party?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

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Original Post: May 23, 2026

My older sister (29f) and brother-in-law (28m) have struggled financially for basically their entire adult lives. they became parents to 3 girls really young, so I’ve always tried to give them grace and help where I can.

Last year, my son turned 2. we had his birthday party about two weeks early because his actual birthday is usually too cold for outdoor stuff where we live. my husband and I invited my sister to do a combined birthday party at our house for my niece, who was turning 8 around the same time.

because money was tight for them (and because they were stressing about costs constantly), I ended up paying for basically everything for my niece’s side too — decorations, food, cake, etc. I had already rented a bounce house for my son, but upgraded it so older kids could use it too.

I also promised my other two nieces (11 and 10) that I'd help make their birthday special this summer because they did not have a party last year due to their parents finances.

so now their party is coming up in June. this past weekend, my nieces called me asking if I was still helping plan it. obviously I said yes because I love them and would never want to disappoint them.

at first, my sister wanted to do the party at a park. my nieces didn’t even want that because it’ll be hot, humid, or raining. I suggested renting out an arcade in my city and doing a stranger things-themed arcade party for 3 hours. the girls were so excited about it.

then my sister shut it down immediately because she said the “50 people she invited” wouldn’t want to drive 25 minutes.

here’s the thing: most of these people aren’t even there for the kids. half of them don’t have children, won’t bring gifts, and are basically just my brother-in-law’s family/friends who turn every event into drinking, smoking, loud music, and drama. my nieces didn’t even want a lot of them there in the first place.

meanwhile, I offered to pay for:

• the arcade rental

• food

• decorations

• cake

basically everything.

but my sister still refused because she wants everyone to be able to come.

at that point I told her if the priority is hosting a giant cookout for adults instead of an actual kids birthday party, then she can pay for it herself.

now we’re arguing about what I “should” still contribute financially. and honestly, I’m frustrated because they’re planning to feed 50 people while barely having groceries at home. I literally had to door dash dinner to their family recently because they had no food.

at this point, I’m considering just mailing my nieces their gifts and stepping away from the whole thing.

aitah?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Stop arguing. You offered a kids' party as your gift to your nieces just like the one for their 8 year old sister. That is all you are offering. Not an adult booze party. Your sister can take it or leave it.

If she doesn't want the kid party at a park or arcade she can do her own thing. Next time I suggest you do not make promises to children.

> OOP: I will no longer be making promises that I intend to keep but ultimately involve another, bigger decisive counterpart. (my sister) > > worst mistake of my life. my poor nieces are miserable.

Downvoted Commenter: I think it is very nice that you want to celebrate your nieces knowing their parents are broke. However, you kind of undermined the parents by planning a different celebration with the kids. I would offer my sister the amount of money you planned to spend on the arcade. Please do not use your money as a weapon. The kids have it bad enough

> OOP: I would never weaponize any money, I also wouldn’t just hand over $350+ to my poorly financially educated sister. it will be gone and nothing for the party will be bought.

Commenter 2: How did she issue invitations without knowing the venue?

> OOP: she used Facebook, apparently it doesn’t have you put a venue in, and you can leave it blank. she posted in the event and said the location is TBD.

Commenter 3: I wouldn’t go so far as to say YTA because you obviously don’t have to pay for a big birthday party, but it sounds like you have a lot of judgements and assumptions about your BIL’s family and are using your initially kind offer to impose those judgements and assumptions.

> OOP: they are not assumptions, I have known this family very well for about 11 years now. I’m only 25. they have been around for 11 birthday parties. it is always the same outcome. drunk, fights, drama and my nieces get about 2 gifts from 25 people.

Commenter 4: take your nieces out for a 'Birthday Day' & let your sister have the home party she wants. NTA

Commenter 5: "What are you doing planning such a huge event ON MY DIME when you can't even afford dinner?" NTA.

 

Update: June 16, 2026 (3.5 weeks later)

so, update time since some people were asking for one.

for starters, I told my sister ahead of time that I will not be attending the party due to my brother-in-law’s extremely annoying family and I will not be helping with the costs because it is not what they want to do. instead of attending, I sent my nieces money over cashapp two days after posting the original post and agreed to take them to the arcade next week for another birthday "party".

my sister and brother-in-law took their money and used it to buy fast food for themselves, my three nieces and my brother-in-law’s aunt. so, there's that.

let's cut to this past Sunday, their birthday party. it stormed the entire time and about 45 minutes before the party ended, it got extremely humid and gross. their decorations were destroyed, the food was rained on, it was a mess. just as I assumed, there were about 30 people there and they received TWO gifts each and around $150 each from their grandpa (my sisters father), mine and my sister's great aunt and their aunt (my brother-in-law’s sister)... one niece had NO friends there because the storm and the other had a friend show up for about 30 minutes and left because of the rain. barely ANY kids were there.

my nieces are very much looking forward to going to the arcade and getting some boba. they seemed so disappointed in their birthday party, and I am genuinely upset for them. I wish they would have had a better party, but I will always strive to give them the best, even if I look foolish.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So the nieces got nothing?

Why did you give them money instead of taking them somewhere? I think it was obvious to everyone reading this what would happen to it.

> OOP: we are very much still going to the arcade.. I said that in the post. I sent them money because they were going to the skating rink and wanted to buy some stuff. they didn’t get to go.

Commenter 2: Absolutely agree. How did she send money to a 10 year old thinking the parents WOULDN’T intercept it?

> OOP: they have their own cards through cashapp kid accounts, didn’t expect my sister to snatch it out.

Commenter 3: How about open a new bank account under your name and you hold the money for them until they are old and independent enough? Also for in the future if they have a job it can be deposit to that account.

Commenter 4: I don’t know if you can actually protect your sister’s kids from your sister’s lifetime of (?willful) financial incompetence. Their selfishness, short sightedness, greed and laziness seems endless.

Commenter 5: Clearly your sister is irresponsible as they are the sort of people to have kids when they can’t afford them but have the mindset of “family helps family” or some sort of other bullshit.

I agree with the other posts. Take them for a fun birthday day every year or every year it’s going to a shitshow.

I like the idea of setting up bank accounts for them in your name so their parents can’t touch shit.

Give them a yearly birthday budget of say $150, they can blow it all or spend $20 on a cheap meal and bank the rest. If they do this btw I’d personally just pay the full $150 so they get the concept of saving money.

At 18 years old they get the balance to do whatever they want with.

When they are 18 set up bank accounts in their name that their parents cannot access unless they want to commit fraud.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This all came about relatively recently, my partner (f) started growing out her armpit hair, and I'm not the biggest fan of it personally.

I get the whole her body her choice aspect of it and I respect that but when I told her it's not something that I find inherently attractive she gets very upset about it. I try my best to not be rude because I do care about her so fucking much, but at the end of the day it's just not my personal preference. It is what it is, I'm not going to leave her over it. She had done it years ago before we ever met and when we first got together she told me it's something she's done before and I just laughed and said I don't think I'd like that. It was light hearted at first, but I feel like since she's become a mom she is trying to express herself and find a way to be more than just mommy.

Like I said, I'm not a fan of the armpit hair but what initially bothered me was her reaction to me asking if she would be willing to buzz or shave it for our wedding. She got very upset about me asking that and I just feel like the question doesn't merit the response it had received. I really try my best to be a good partner, she stays at home with the kids and I typically work between 50-60 hours per week so that we can afford all of the household expenses and give our kids a good life. I help around the house as much as I can throughout the week, and spend time with the family every weekend aside from playing golf about 2 times per month. I've made many sacrifices in my life to take care of everyone, and I'm not trying to be rebellious and doing things that my partner doesn't find attractive to try and appear as more than just a dad.

Just yesterday we were at a family party for the 4th of July and she invited a bunch of her friends. (none of mine came, I moved to a neighboring state to start a family and we're the next town over from her hometown)

Well she brought this argument up and her friends ganged up on me basically saying there's nothing wrong with her wanting to grow her armpit hair out which I agree there isn't, but at the end of the day it's just not something I'm fond of or would prefer, and in true feminist fashion they essentially demonized me for having any sort of preference in my partner.

Fast forward to today she's been on my case insisting that somethings off in our relationship right now, which I told her that I was literally just upset that she brought up the situation to her friends at a party and had them coming at me about it. Her reasoning was that she wanted me to hear other women's opinions on the matter, which I understand the reasoning but there is no way for me to change what I'm attracted to. I told her that I love her and it's not anything close to a reason for me ever leaving, I will not bring it up anymore but that will not change the fact that I don't like it. She still wasn't happy with that, AIO?

[supprimé]

Buckle up. This might get long and it's abridged because I can't remember all of it. TLDR on bottom.

Let's set this back to when I was in my freshman year in high school. It was me, my mom, and the new-ish acquired step dad. He was in the military. He finds out he has a spawn from an old relationship. She's 11 years younger than myself. I was already used to being an only child, so I wasn't thrilled.

Fast forward to when we go meet her. She's in West Virginia. Deep in the mountains where the banjos are playing and the further you went in, the amount of teeth per mile lessened. You can smell the love between the local siblings. Anyhow, we get to her house. It was a "quaint mountain shack" that had one bedroom and the kids...Yes kids...were sleeping in a "room" made of sheets in the hallway. This kid looks like the girl from that movie The Orphan. The adults were talking and I had to take a piss. On the way to the bathroom, I had a quick glance around. It was a mess. The bathroom was a mess (squat time). Bugs everywhere. Dirt, rust, grime everywhere. Big ass spider in the bathtub. Ain't no one used that tub, you could tell. I do my business and my mom is next. Gave her a heads up. Fast forward, kid is covered in cake icing. Just gross. To sum it up, he got custody.

So, yay dad saves kid. Everything is great right? Nah. I had bad vibes from this kid since day one and I told them I wanted nothing to do with her. I told them they'd regret it. (Foreshadowing) So, fast forward to a new town we move to because the high school there has the Ag classes I wanted to take. Kid is in primary school. I'm already driving somewhat with a limited license and am tasked to pick her up from her school in the afternoon. Ugh. Step dad is working more (both worked) due to him wanting to promote to the next rank. It's about this time where things start getting...fucky. We get reports that the kid is acting odd. Like, inappropriately touching boys and trying to get them to touch her up her skirt. Um, what?! This gets addressed via change in wardrobe (uniform looking pants and collared shirt), blocking her TV even more, and a few hard conversations with her. Step dad was involved as well. For now.

Few weeks pass and the manipulation starts. She knows how to play the system with the boo-hoo tears. This family was a spanking family. Not anything excessive. This policy got changed when it didn't work. Switched to corner time and groundings. Taking privileges away. Didn't work. One time, my mom had to run from the grocery store, leaving the groceries, because child was flirting with a grown ass man. I was already working, so I missed most of that. Enter therapy for her. They find out she was abused by the guy her mom was with. Ok, treatment was started asap. It was too late but they didn't know it yet. My mom would DJ karaoke for a friend of hers. They were at a get-together and once again, cold starts being inappropriate with another grown man. We know normal kids don't pull this crap and it's from her previous trauma.

Now I don't remember much from that point but I know she steals $200 from my mom's wallet, let's herself into my room to take pictures of herself with my camera (narcissism begins), and step dad is mostly consumed by online gaming because this behavior was getting to him and he shuts down. At some point in time, we meet step dad's white side of the family (he's half asian and dad was white). They meet the child and of course loved her. Remember these people. It gets worse. Back at home, child calls CPS on us because mom grounded her and she didn't get presents on her birthday because she was acting an ass. I was so terrified about being taken away, I looked up emancipation laws for minors. Nothing ended happening with that. Case closed.

So, skipping to about junior year or maybe senior year (pretty sure senior year), parents split. He moves child to family in PA. Step dad's father I think died beforehand. We stay at the house we've been in and he lets us keep it. Mom can't switch the loan to her name because it's the VA. But we're able to keep making payments. So that's why they kept in touch. We get updates on how is going up there. Child has gotten worse about her behavior and come to find out grand parents kept enabling her rather than discipline. I'm in my first year of college and I get a call from my mom that ex step dad is in prison. Wait, what?! Straight edge Sgt Motivated on prison?! Why. Kid accused him of being inappropriate with her while we were all living together. I could not believe it. There was no way. Her room was across from mine and the walls were paper thin. I could hear everything. Nothing from this story fit. I remember he got so tired of her shit that he became reclusive and stuck to his games on the computer. He hardly tried anymore. Come to find out, Christmas was cancelled for her because of her shit behavior and she wasn't too keen about that. So, false accusations were made. Grandparents sided with her. His new wife tried and tried for a retrial, and couldn't go up to a supreme court level because of money running out and they had a kid together. She's the one updating my mom now. Things got worse for him because it was election season for the DA in their state and this was a great opportunity to gain brownie points for the upcoming re-election by locking up a child molester. Here's the thing, the Marine Corps had evidence to support him but that got thrown out and we were not allowed to make testimonies in his behalf. Nothing could be done to help him. They were bent on convicting him. The child's testimony was false, you can tell a mile away. He ended up with 30 years or more. All because she didn't get the Christmas she wanted. My mom was telling me all this and I turned around and looked at her and told her I told you so. I told you to not get involved and to leave her ass where she was. Now, an innocent man is in prison and his career is gone because of the child he saved. I've never trusted kids since then. I will never trust them. I will always think of them as manipulative and evil. They may not be, but they have the potential and it's scary because everyone thinks they're sweet and innocent.

TLDR stepdad saves daughter from crap conditions. Daughter evolves into a manipulative monster that goes after grown men. She steals, lies, calls CPS on us. I get anxiety and traumatized at the thought of getting taken away. Find out bad shit happened to her in last family. Stepdad moves child to PA after splitting with my mom. Stepdad gets thrown in prison by his own daughter on false accusations of being inappropriate. Gets 30+ years in prison without a fair trial because the new DA was hoping to get reelected. All because she got grounded on Christmas. I knew this child was evil from the beginning but no one listened. Told my mom she should've listened. He was in his mid to late 30s.

I know that she can't be blamed for some of her behavior toward men. That's from her trauma. I'm blaming her for the manipulation and the other toxic behaviors she evolved because grandparents wouldn't discipline her. She got a decent person thrown in prison for no reason. I will never trust children because they can get away with so much shit it's scary. They know how to play the system. I hope karma gets her ass.

Sorry for the long post.

I grew up in the Philippines. I was academically inclined, but only because my mom forced me to be. While my cousins played outside, I was forced to read books. I wasn't allowed to go out unless I took the quizzes she made and scored perfectly on them. She made sure I was advanced in class, but not in a kind way. She would yell at me for every single mistake I made—every spelling error, every single wrong answer. She even threatened to pull me out of school permanently if I messed up again. Growing up, I hated her so much that I would rather sleep on the floor than next to her.

When I was 16, I was raped by my boyfriend at the time. I kept going to school and never stopped, even through my pregnancy. I finished my bachelor's degree on time, and today, I am the breadwinner. I have savings for myself and my child, and I pay for all the utilities in the house, but we still live with my parents (which is normal in the Philippines).

My son is now 7 years old. He has exams coming up, so I was reviewing with him, teaching him, and helping him remember the terms. Once we finished studying, I let him draw for a bit before bed.

Then, my mom came upstairs and told him to read an article about brains on her phone. He tried to read it, but it wasn't perfect; there were a lot of words he didn't know, and he couldn't read very fast because the screen and the font were so small. My mom got angry because he wasn't reading fast enough and couldn't understand the big, unfamiliar words. She shouted a word at him, so my son copied her and shouted the word back as he tried to read it. This made her furious. She got angry because he yelled, and she stormed out. My son started crying, terrified. He was so scared that he refused to sleep in the room with her and my dad. My dad assured him he would protect him, but my son was still terrified.

I felt completely useless because I couldn't stand up for my child. I am still afraid of her, and I felt helpless because we still live under her roof. Fortunately, today is my day off, so he can sleep with me. (I usually work the night shift, which is why he normally sleeps with my mom and dad).

I just finished talking to him. I asked, 'Why don't you want to sleep there? Papa is there.' He replied, 'Papa will be mad at me too if Mama tells him the truth.' I asked, 'What truth?' He said, 'That I'm a bad person because I'm not good enough and I don't listen.'

I burst into tears right in front of him. He thinks he is a bad person just for being a kid—for having immature grandparents and a weak mom. I cried because he feels like no one will stand up for him, and that running away is the only option. I know that feeling so well; I was him when I was a child. I felt so useless. A 7-year-old child thinks he is bad just for being a child. He told me he feels awful because he believes he is a bad person. I held him and assured him over and over that he isn't. It breaks my heart.

Now, I don't know what to do. I have to work tomorrow, and thinking about leaving him with people who make him feel unsafe makes me disgusted with myself. It is incredibly hard to find a work-from-home job here, but I am trying.

Thank you for listening.

(wlw)

i already know i’m going to get judged for this, and i understand why.
my partner is away working at a summer camp this week. earlier today i got on my laptop to use chatgpt, and i realized her account was still logged in from the last time she used it. while i was on the home screen, i typed in the search bar and navigated to chat gpt. still thinking i was on my account. one of the conversation titles caught my eye: “partner struggles.” i quickly realized this wasn’t my account.
i wish i could say i clicked away, but i didn’t. i opened it, and then i kept reading. i know that was wrong.
what i found has completely wrecked me. she was asking chatgpt about feeling like she’d lost herself in our relationship, feeling too dependent on me, opening our relationship(which she knows how i feel about this), wondering what life would be like if we weren’t together, and thinking about someone from her past. at one point, chatgpt asked her to imagine two futures, and she chose the one where we weren’t together romantically because it felt healthier to her.
reading this made it feel like she’s been questioning our relationship for much longer than i realized.
we moved three hours away to build a better life together in a new city. started new jobs here. i genuinely believed we were working toward a future together. now i feel completely numb.
the worst part is that she has no idea i read any of this. she’s still at camp for several more days, and i’m sitting here trying to act normal while feeling like my entire relationship has been pulled out from under me.
i don’t know if i should tell her i saw it, wait until she’s home, or just have a general conversation about where we both stand without admitting how i know. i don’t want to ruin her week at camp, but i’m barely functioning. i’m even thinking about taking a few days off work because i can’t get my head together.
i’m not looking for people to tell me i was right to read it. i know i crossed a line. i’m just genuinely asking: if you were in my position, what would you do? and if you were in hers, would you want your partner to tell you they saw it, or would that destroy the trust even more?

Ever since it's been getting rainy here in where I live at, I couldn't go home from school without getting wet. Because of it, 2 out of 8 notebooks are literally getting wet by the water passing through my bag. even if I had an umbrella, its too short to cover it all without sacrificing myself to be hit by the rain, so I wanted to know if I could possibly make my bag homophobic, or if I need to buy a new bag. If anyone knows or can give advice, please do!

I’m 19 years old, I’m a woman, I don’t think my height and weight are necessary for this specific situation.
For about 12 years my nose has been hurting, I developed migraines stemming from my nose pain when I was about 14-15 years old. Within the last year and a half it’s gotten incredibly worse and I am completely lost on what to do.
In this last year and a half the lump has formed on the left side of the bridge of my nose, it looks and feels like it’s the bone lifting. The pain has became unbearable at times, ending with me in bed all day because I feel physically sick to do anything else just from this pain.
When the pain is really bad my vision begins to black out and I cannot see anything for up to 20 seconds at a time. And then when I am able to see my eyes feel like someone is shoving their thumbs into them and I see black dots everywhere.
I have gotten an mri scan, a ct scan, seen neurologists and ents and they all tell me that they can do nothing to help me. I need this to be solved, it is severely affecting my way of life and is incredibly dangerous.
Please help or give me any kind of advice as to what i could possibly do in this situation, thank you.

I'm a mom to 3 boys and I love my husband but he's so emotionally stunted all " boys don't cry /Mens man machismo" never wants to talk about his feelings Of course my oldest Kyle (15M) as soon as he got to old for snuggles he followed suit especially since hitting his teenage years. Hes all about hockey and wrestling and hanging out with the boys. He never wants to talk about how he's feeling or confide in me anymore or express himself.

So Kyle had been dating one of his teammates "Dougy" for a few months a lifetime for teens. His first real relationship. Over the ast week I noticed him pretending not to mope around and I hadn't seen Dougy around lately. I finally confronted him about it yesterday and he finally broke down crying and told me they broke up cause Dougy cheated on him for not doing something he wasn't ready for. He layed his head in my lap like he used to when he was little and I just let him cry it out and talk. Of course his dad home early walks in and just looks disappointed asking what all the fuss is about some dumb boy. Kyle jumps up trying his best to quit crying and just says nothing and basically runs to his room. I got upset and I yelled at him why did he have to ruin that moment that our son was finally opening up to me. He just goes that he's a boy and he shouldn't be crying like a baby over some dumb kid. I yelled at him that I hope our boys never turn out like him and I never seen him look that hurt. When didn't talk the rest of the night or most of the today. My sister thinks I should apologize and I might have gone to far.