r/redditonwiki

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/backpackdrama

Me [25F] with my boyfriend [26 M] of six months. I'm about to break up with him over a backpack but I need to know if I'm overreacting.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Destruction of sentimental property!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Rage inducing, but ends positive for OOP!<

Original Post - rareddit  June 4, 2016

My boyfriend Jacob and I have been together for half a year now. We met through mutual friends about two years ago. Jacob is a very laid back guy, and maybe since I have a lot of anxiety that attracted me to him. The past six months have been fun and without incident until now. I thought Jacob was a caring and thoughtful person and I really saw a future with him, but now I'm reconsidering.

Background info: I have a backpack that is covered with patches. Before this happened, I had about 35 patches sewn on it. This is a project that I started when I was 14 and needed a backpack for high school. Over the years, I collected patches from all the shows, concerts, and plays I've gone to, when I studied abroad and visited new cities and museums, gifts from friends and family etc. When I was 20 the bottom of my backpack ripped out, so I got a new one and carefully removed and reattached the patches. I don't carry a purse, I carry this backpack, literally every day. It might seem silly, but a lot of my personal history and favorite memories are tied (sewn?) to this backpack.

On Wednesday, Jacob and I were hanging out at my place watching Netflix with two mutual friends. My apartment has a much larger living room than his does, so we tend to hang out at my place. I had to work early Thursday morning, so I went to bed a little earlier and just told Jacob to lock up before he came to bed.

The next morning I go about getting ready for work and go to put some things in my backpack. That's when I notice it's missing patches, 11 to be precise. I immediately wake Jacob up, basically panicking asking what happened. He told me that he had invited three of his friends over after I had gone to sleep. Apparently they texted him because they were bar hopping near by and he told them to come over. At some point one of them saw my backpack sitting in the living room and said it was cool and they wanted one like it. And Jacob told them they could have some patches if they wanted. So they cut 11 patches off my bag.

I was livid. I still am. I can't really describe how betrayed I feel. A few of my patches were gifts from my father who passed away last year. He always loved helping me find new patches and bought me three limited release patches that are now very expensive and difficult to find. Those are all gone. I had one patch that my dad bought in 1994 and let me have. It's gone as well. Patches from my study abroad trip are gone too. I feel so so devastated.

I'm not proud of my reaction, I flipped the fuck out. A lot of what the fuck were you thinkings and how could you do this? I told him he had to call his friends that were over and get all the patches back. He said he would for the ones from my dad, but he would look too bad if he asked for the rest that "didn't mean as much". I asked him if he cared more about looking like a jackass to them or me. He hesitated and I freaked out and told him he had to leave.

I messaged the people I know were over on Facebook and got a response back from one person (one of the mutual friends). He brought my patches back Thursday night. He said he thought it was weird that Jacob offered but went along with it, and he apologized. So now I only have 9 patches missing. I know it sounds silly but I just feel so sick over it. I texted Jacob today about getting my dad's patches back and he just said he was going to contact them on the weekend. What's the point of waiting??? I talked to a couple close friends about what happened and told them I wanted to break up over this. They both saw this as an overreaction and that I should let it go and get more patches. Everyone seems to think because patches are cheap I shouldn't be so upset and should forgive him.

I need to know if I'm overreacting. My feelings are maybe I was being hysterical when I confronted Jacob and I didn't deal with it in the best way. But he hasn't been proactive about fixing the situation, he's only texted me once to tell me he was contacting his friends on the weekend. I'm so frustrated and hurt and I'm not sure how I will trust him again after this.

And before anyone asks, he absolutely knew what this backpack meant to me. Once when we were about a month in dating he asked me to give him the backstory to each patch. And he's seen me carry it every day.

tl;dr: My boyfriend had friends over and they took patches from my backpack. I want to dump him, but my friends think I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

>You're definitely not overreacting. Who the fuck offers to let their friends destroy something that doesn't belong to them because they think it looks cool?!? Get your stuff back and dump this idiot.

OOP

>> His explanation was that I had so many he didn't think I would mind and he's seen me give patches to people before. >> >> That's true, but I've never given someone a patch from my own backpack. I bought them at shows or through online vendors specifically as gifts. >> >> & >> >> Yes!! Why would he think it was okay give away my property? It's so disrespectful! What kind of excuse is "I didn't think you would mind" in this situation? >> >> & >> >> He hasn't seemed to realize it yet. He's only texted me once since yesterday that he would contact his friends on the weekend. He hasn't apologized at all.

~

OliviaPresteign

>You're not overreacting. He had no right to give away your property, and the fact that he didn't immediately apologize and do everything he could to get them back shows that this wasn't a one-time lapse of judgment but a severe character flaw.

OOP

>>It would have been so different if he had apologized and showed an effort to get them back. But he argued about it and said I was overreacting.

~

Maigraith

>I could maybe understand if you two actually lived together and it was an item sitting on a counter or bookshelf that he gave away but this was something that was clearly not his that had to be physically cut off of what is essentially your purse. That is a huge violation even without the sentimental value being taken into account. You don't just go into someone else's home and give away their possessions.

OOP

>>This articulates my concerns really well. I feel that I invited them into my space and my own boyfriend facilitated them fucking with my property. What the hell??

Maigraith

>>>Bottom line is he and they stole from you. I'm really confused why he or any of your friends are perfectly fine with that. I'd play nice until you get as many patches as possible back then dump him like the piece of shit he is.

OOP

>>>> He invited them to steal from me. They cut the patches off with a pocket knife and left holes in my bag. >>>> >>>> My main effort is going to be getting my dad's patches back. I can get over the rest of them. But I really want those 4.

~

elfgirl1317

>Can the friend who returned your patches put you in touch with the other people? So you don't have to rely on your ex to get the patches back?

OOP

>>He had the number of the other mutual friend and told me he would message him too. The other three people are on Jacob's side of his social circle from college. I'm going to start Facebook stalking to see if I can find them.

Edit: My second mutual friend just called. He also had two patches, and promised to return them this weekend. One of them was one of my dad's patches! That's 7 left.

Editors Note: OOP tried to make an update but it wasn't approved, however OOP made 3 comments in a later post titled: My girlfriend [32F] gave away a lot of my things at a "clothing swap"/charity, and says that I [28M] am overreacting and too attached to material possessions to give closure

Comment 1  Aug 3, 2016 (2 months later)

I broke up with a guy who did something similar to me (post got deleted). It comes down to respect,even if it's material items, and I found that my ex didn't really respect me.

Something similar happened to me as well. He couldn't apologize to me either, so we ended up breaking up.

Did OOP get all the patches back?

Yes, I got them all back! :)I tried to update here but it got removed.

OOP UPDATED 10 YEARS LATER IN THE BoRU THREAD

Update Aug10, 2026 (10 years later)

Responding to the top comment for visibility. This was me. I am surprised I could still log into this account, it was a throwaway. It's been so long since this happened.

Through the course of everything, I learned that my ex wasn't laid back. He just didn't give a fuck. Very different things.

I did get all of the patches back! A few people were very apologetic and immediately went out of their way to return them. A few people I had to show up at their place with a friend in tow. Looking someone in the eyes and saying "You have a patch that my dead father gave me when I was 14" worked pretty well.

Basically all of them blamed my ex. It's okay, I blamed him too. He never truly apologized. He just wanted me to be less mad without fixing anything. I was very passive then, and I don't think I had ever been as angry as that moment. I went scorched earth and told EVERYONE what he did. He was mad about that, but I didn't care. He shouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to talk about it. A few of my friends apologized for taking his side, but our friendship wasn't ever really the same after that.

Months (maybe even a year?) after all this went down, my sister and I were going through a storage unit of my dad's to clear it out. We found one of his old backpacks, nothing special, just a JanSport. I cleaned it out and that was the new base. I still have it to this day, and I have added new patches since!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

*friend's parents

My brother Pete (14) and his friends, C and J (both 14), got the idea in the middle of June to buy a pool for the rough summer we usually have because the local community pool is being shut down. When Pete or his friends couldn't convince anyone to buy it for them, they got motivated to work for it. Pete mowed lawns and did other yard work around the county, and the other two did their own work, and after a few weeks, they pooled their money together and were able to buy a cheap above-ground pool. Me and C and J's parents were really impressed and thought they deserved it after working for it. We all agreed to set the pool up in C's backyard because their backyard is the biggest. They filled it up and did all the work for it, and the first weekend it was available, Pete and his friends all hung out in the pool.

The problem is, that was the ONLY time Pete or J has been in the pool. C, apparently, is allowed to go in whenever, but nobody else. His parents have been asked multiple times, and they're always shot down. One time, Pete ended up sneaking into the pool while I was at work, and when C's dad found him out there, he came out and yelled at him. C was in the water too, according to Pete. He and J were obviously confused, so when I went to talk with C's parents about Pete sneaking into the pool, I asked why they weren't allowed in at all. C's dad kept harping on the fact that Pete went in without permission, which I understand, but what I don't understand is why whenever they are asked to come over and swim, they're never allowed to. They both explained it's a 'liability' reason, meaning if anything were to happen to anyone in their pool, like if someone drowned, they don't want to be responsible and it's easier to just not allow anyone but their son in the water. But these are TEENAGERS, not toddlers, and they all know how to swim.

At the end of the conversation, C's dad was like, "The pool is on my property, and we used our water to fill it up, so we decide what to do with it." I raised my voice a little bit by reminding them that they didn't buy that pool, it belongs to their son, my brother and J. I understand that it's on their property, but it's unfair to gatekeep it from the people who helped to buy it. They wouldn't answer that and threatened that Pete wouldn't be allowed at their house at all if they were asked again, which Pete would hate to hear since he loves their house, so I left it at that.

Pete was pissed, to say the least, and loved to rant to anyone who listened while gaming with his friends about the situation. He asked if they could really do that and we should call the cops, but I told him let's not go that far yet, even though I agreed those people basically stole from him. But he and C have been friends for nearly 10 years and they do EVERYTHING together, so I'd hate to see them be separated over something petty like this.

So I came up with another idea and I went shopping online and found an inflatable hot tub for about the same amount of money they spent on the pool. It might've been just as petty, and I dipped a bit into my savings, but I bought it. Could I have bought the pool myself? Maybe, but at the same time, Pete wanted it bad and I got other things to worry about, and he's learning to work for what he wants. And a hot tub's good for my back. Pete's been in the hot tub nearly every day since it's been set up. His friends are welcome inside it too, my only rule is they gotta shower (at their own houses) before or after they get in it. It's big enough for like 5 people.

J and C have been over a lot to go in the hot tub, and their parents have noticed. J's dad is totally okay with it and thinks that what C's parents are doing is bullshit too, but he agrees that they still get their reward for all their work with the hot tub. C's parents, on the other hand, aren't too happy. C told me himself that he prefers to be in the hot tub, with his friends, rather than swimming alone in his pool, and his parents don't understand that. I haven't spoken to them directly about this, but C has heard rants from his mom about how everyone thinks they're some kind of child-hating monsters for not allowing anyone in their pool (that they didn't buy). It hasn't helped that Pete still loves to rant about it too, and he knows a lot of neighborhood kids who also come to dip in the hot tub. I do see C's mom at the store sometimes, but she doesn't make eye contact with me anymore.

I know it was petty, but AITAH?

EDIT: Holy shit, this blew up a lot more than I thought. Thank you all for your input. I wanted to clear up some things in an edit.

I'm a 30 year old man.

C's parents are pretty wealthy. I really don't think the water bill or anything they're paying for with that pool is gonna break them.

Yes, I know Pete is owed his money back for his pool. But we're on thin ice as is with C's parents and I'd hate to make things even worse. He hasn't really asked about getting his money back, all he really wanted was to use the pool.

No, small claims court is out of the picture right now. It'd be a waste of everyone's time and money, and tbh, the only people who aren't satisfied with this outcome are C's parents.

I'M NOT GONNA VANDALIZE THE POOL.

In the past, I used to work from home entirely, and could start work a bit later than the average fellow. This suited my gf well, as she is a night owl student used to staying up super late. It meant that she could come over late, stay at my place however long it suits her, and I could drive her back/she could walk back. She lives with her parents, so my place is the only one where we really spend time (other than out ofc)

After a while, I realized this wasn't gonna work and I simply wasn't getting enough sleep. So I pushed back a bit, and we did reduce the frequency of super late hangouts, though they still happened. But I could make it work.

Until recently when I got shifted to another project which needs me to come in at 9am, Monday thru Wednesday. This has been a big shift, but I'm getting used to it. My gf however, is not.

After the first week I told her - hey, I know it sucks and we'd both prefer it the old way but you gotta work with me and adapt with me. I can't be going into office without enough sleep, I feel like a zombie.

She said she understood fully and she did make some effort towards it, but... We're still constantly having days where I don't get enough sleep. Oftentimes this is because we plan multiple activities for the day, but for one reason or another she will arrive way later than we initially agreed. So there's like 1-2 hours until the time where I should go to bed to get my 8 hours. And I can't just tell her - well, time's up, off you go! Especially on days where she was late because e.g. she felt bad or depressed or something.

I just think, as a student whose only job is to study and take exams now (she's done with all her lectures), she's completely lost the sense on what it's like to have fixed-time obligations during the day. Time is a very ephemeral construct to her - she can stay up till 6:30 am and then sleep until 3pm, who cares.

How can I seriously explain to her how big of an issue this is? And that I don't want to see her less, I actually want her to adapt and compromise for the relationship

You might think this is an exaggeration, but it is not. I'm typing this on the shitter because its the only few minutes i really get at times before he comes checking on me. At first, i thought it was charming that he wanted to spend out off days together. But his job was flexible with scheduling so he made sure we have every single off day together. And he always wants me around him, even if i just want alone time because he says he dosent understand why people who love eachother need personal space. I havent had the house to myself spare a few days ive swapped with someone on the schedule in the past few weeks. Hes always breathing down my fucking neck and im just so exhausted of being around him. I love him to death but this feels borderline psychotic

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

I was at an age where I was arguing with my parents a lot, as do many teenagers. I can’t remember what the fight was about, but I just remember it made me so angry, that I just had to let out my frustration somehow.

So I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I was devastated about the argument, and felt misunderstood and frustrated that my mum wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. So I painted the shower red. With some craft paint and a tiny paintbrush I found in my room, I started painting angry faces with devil horns, curse words, you name it!!! I was PISSED!!! Eventually I decided to go completely rogue and just painted the entire screen door red, then the adjacent glass, then the tiles, and even some of the shampoo bottles. When both glass panels were completely red, I stood back and admired my work. I thought to myself ‘take that mum!’ And probably held up my middle finger. I thought this was what justice looked like, and it was exhilarating. All the while I was terrified of my mum walking in.

Eventually after a while I obviously had to wash it off, and to my surprise it came off pretty easily just with the shower water- albeit the bathroom looking like a crime scene in the process. It took me a while. That was over a decade ago, and sometimes when I’m visiting home I’ll notice a tiny speck of red paint still inside the shower door frame and remember that afternoon. I’ve never told anyone and my parents never found out.

Hey guys! Really wish I wasn't coming with updates but here we are...

So, after I made my post, I had a LONG conversation with my husband to where he said he accepted my choice of not being around his family, but then mentioned that he didn't want to be around mine. To my knowledge nothing like this had been going on with my side and when I directly asked, he said it was in part due to the language barrier, but also that it was because I was creating distance with his, so it was only fair to him. I think that this is spiteful for sure, but said it was fine.

Fast forward a few weeks, he decides that with the holidays around the corner, he's going to let his mom know that I won't be around, but he will still join. I had asked to hear this conversation, not for her response (I could care less), but to hear how he would word. He chose to not do this and two days later, I got a group text that his mom sent out to the entire family stating she was expecting to see everyone soon again. I was definitely thrown off because supposedly... we just had a conversation, right?

Fast forward from that--about another week or two--one of his brothers asked if we would be at Thanksgiving due to him bringing his new girlfriend. My husband without my knowledge stated that he would be with my side. He then asked me how to explain the situation when he was asked why. I told him that it was probably time for him to be honest with his brothers about how he had been feeling due to them choosing to not be at our wedding. (He hasn't really seen them due to feeling hurt and unseen). He agreed and in fact did say that he was upset over that, how no one reached out since we got back from our wedding, and how it's been incredibly awkward because he can't have conversations with them. I was actually really proud of him for FINALLY saying things. But, here's where it goes downhill. I asked him directly how the conversation went as it was via text and if he was finally able to make the amends he wanted (I'm not against it, it's his relationship with his brother), but started getting response that I didn't ask for like, "well, he brought up that one time he made a face," so... I asked three more times and got the same responses. My gut feeling was that he was lying.

So, I did a thing which I know I shouldn't, but I looked through his messages, to find that things were actually invalidated, and even though my husband hadn't said anything about me, his brother decided to say that no one was allowed to speak to me and that they don't understand why I've changed, and they think he's acting how he is to "protect" me. For clarity guys, I never said the sibling could speak to me, I just don't reach out. I did say that any communication with his mom would be in a group text with him so it could be civilized--that is, until I cut contact myself. The ONLY time I said I wanted to be left alone was earlier this year when I miscarried in my second trimester (this was before I fully decided against kids).

My husband did not defend anything, just went with it. I tried checking in again, and again he lied to my face. I think I've come to realize that he's loyal in a way where I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but disloyal to me and the marriage in many other ways. I've tried asking the tough questions like, "why're you comfortable making me uncomfortable," but it doesn't seem to go anywhere.

This is just so disheartening to me because I really have tried, with him and them. No I haven't made final decisions... honestly don't have the energy for it. The worst part of all of this is, I am a trauma therapist on top of it all. I see and hear the worst things and see the difference I make in other lives, but can't seem to fix my own. I think I'm just tired and probably do have to figure out how to move forward. Just never imagines being in this position.

My fiancé (27M) and I (29F) got engaged a few months ago. His father leads a large religious center in a very expensive beach town and offered to host an engagement luncheon for us.

I asked if I could say a few words at the luncheon. I’m a lawyer and public speaker for a living, and I just wanted to introduce myself and my family to the congregation, thank my future in-laws, and say something about how my fiancé and I met. His father said no. When my mom asked him about it, he responded, “No, and when I say no, it means no.”

His reasoning was that if he lets me speak, he’d have to let anyone who sponsors an event there speak.
Then, a few weeks before the engagement, I found out he invited 40 clergymen and that one of them will be speaking at the luncheon. Apparently someone else can speak at my engagement but I can’t. (Nothing to do with gender, he hosts female speakers all the time).

My friends think I should just stand up, quiet everyone down, and give my 2–3 minute speech anyway. There’s no microphone because of religious observance, so realistically, once I start, he can’t really stop me.

The complication is my fiancé’s relationship with his dad. They’ve historically been distant, and I can tell this event is making my fiancé feel loved and included by his father in a way he hasn’t in a long time. My fiancé’s parents divorced when he was little, his father remarried and has multiple children with his new wife. I don’t want to jeopardize the relationship my fiancé is rekindling.

Part of me wants to respect his wishes out of love and respect for my future husband. Another part of me really wants to stick it to his father, especially now that he’s having someone else speak.

WIBTA if I stood up and gave the speech?

(Scroll down to OP comment answering common questions — it’s a standalone comment, wish it was easier to find!)

Hi. I’m a long time listener and I feel like maybe I would like to hear Josh, John and Sean’s take on what has been weighing on me for a while.

I (26F) have married to my husband (26M) for 10 months and been together for 3years. Our first date was electric and so were the next five dates. I was his first everything and he was my first adult relationship and we both lost our virginity to each other.

He was amazing in the beginning, attentive, caring, loving. One of those people who would do anything to see you smile. He was serious, ready to settle down and loved me a lot.

After the first few dates I remember feeling a bit like I didn’t like him that much after-all due to a few superficial things like, he didn’t like me vaping and wanted me to quit. He had spelling and grammar issues which were an ick for me. And he believed in flossing only and not brushing which I am the opposite. He didn’t have bad breath or anything like that but as an obsessive mouth brusher, it was an ick.

Speaking to my friends who were going through shit relationships, I realised I would miss out on a really great guy if I let him go. So I opened my heart and let go of the superficial things. I knew I was planning to quit vaping at some point anyway.

We had a great two year relationship. We were inseparable, he was amazing, the best. I was genuinely happy and loved him so much.

Then he proposed, and we started planning a wedding. He was an active participant in the planning and this when I started to notice a different side to him.

He became really rude. He would say mean things to me and when I get upset he would say it’s a joke and he felt like we were close enough to be comfortable and it should not be a big deal.

I grew up in an abusive household and I do not have the capacity to process ‘banter’ or ‘jokes’ as something funny. All my friends know this, my siblings know this, HE knows this. But all of a sudden he would be doing things like this. And in his defence, based on how he treats his family and friends this is truly who he is. But he wasn’t like this when I met him. If I had known this was who he was, I would’ve never dated him in the first place.

We got into a huge fight a few months before our wedding where he said something rude to me and I got really upset. He them proceeded to ignore me for three days and then came back saying this was who he was and he could not deal with me causing a fuss every time he says something like this.

So I broke up with him.

Then he apologised and begged me to take him back saying he would change. And I loved him and wanted to believe him. So I took him back. We went to therapy.

Then became the cycle. He would be rude or hurt my feelings, when I get rightfully upset he would then dismiss me and spin the story to not take any accountability, he would stonewall me for days, then we go to therapy. Then he would apologise.

It happened again a month ago and something clicked in me, I couldn’t be bothered to deal with it. I didn’t want therapy. I just let it be. He finally came to talk to me or whatever and we couldn’t agree on anything (not a surprise, we usually need therapy to sort issues out anyway). He made a comment about how he was expecting me to drag him to therapy to something but unfortunately I didn’t care enough to.

Then I found out I’m pregnant.

I have always been a believer in strong two parent households. Even though my parents were abusive, I had admired how much they loved each other and always stood by each other no matter what. They were two peas in a pod. Two shit peas but they were made for each other and it was inspirational to me as a child.

So in the news of the pregnancy, we worked out the issues, more like he apologised and then listed reasons why I hurt him and I apologised. And we have decided to carry on.

But I feel like I don’t love him anymore. I can’t even bring myself to be intimate with him, not even a hug or a kiss.

What do I do?

He doesn’t believe in therapy. And tbh I do t think it works for him or our relationship. We have been multiple times and the cycle keeps repeating itself.

Maybe I’m a coward for staying do the child but I really want to cause as little emotional damage as possible to my child.

Maybe I will eventually fall in love with him again? I don’t know what to do.

Sorry for the long post. I’m relatively new to Reddit

TLDR: my husband and I argued about the same thing over and over again and I’m tired of it and am starting to withdraw emotionally. What do I do?