u/DillinquentPICK

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

My wife and I were discussing this last night and she thinks I should have kept my opinions to myself.

My work mate and I were having lunch and I asked about his fiance, how is she etc,. He said he might be feeling the relationship has run its course, and I was surprised, I thought they were a good couple, my wife and I had them over all the time.

He was saying how they basically sleep in separate beds now, she has her interests and he has his, they watch TV in separate rooms because she doesnt want to watch his shows and he doesnt like hers. They may go for dinner here and there but lack of intimacy. I asked if he feels like they can get back to where they used to be, hes not sure, i suggested some romantic date ideas anyway.. He was asking about my wife and I, and if we do things together, how do we make a strong marriage work. My wife and I have been married 20 years, and I told him, as an example, mine loves trash reality TV and I think its dumb however I still watch it with her, and occasionally get into it with her and we discuss them.

As for separate beds, I had lots of days when I accidentally fell asleep on a couch, but generally we sleep together, i sometimes I drift off mid movie and no way anyone can wake me up, so they just leave me. As for interests, my wife has her hobbies, I have mine, never made it an issue. She made it clear from the beginning of marriage, absolutely never will she go camping with me, sleeping in a tent is not her thing, and I go camping all the time and am a bit of a camping enthusiast, and go on camping trips in summer and in winter. And she has her own hobbies, she has her Lego room, and I can not touch a thing in there.

So I told my mate, if a 100% he knows that eventually the relationship is over, stop stringing the woman along. If it can be salvaged then it takes effort. If he nor she is willing to give up the effort, end it.

I told my wife, and she thinks i should not be telling anyone to end it. I should have listened but left it open for him, dont give out my unsolicited opinion. AITA for saying what I said to my friend?

Edit. To give a little more context, my wife said i should have given him advice on how to open a conversation with her, and decide the purpose of the conversation together, and the purpose is whether the relationship is worth the work, open conversation about expectations, what they wish each other does. I see her point and i will have another chat with him when we see each other next at work. She gave me a few conversations starters that he could possibly use to talk to his fiance.

My wife thinks its not as easy as if its this way- break up if its that way- stay. This decision required a lot more consideration than my surface level advice to him. Her words

My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo. Only the robovacum.in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too.. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room. The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend.

Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since . Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing. My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thiught the stains were maybe some tea or drink my wife and i spilled. I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot and carpet collects a lot of his hair. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.

I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake, how it went was i called my daughter, asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were she stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up. I didnt even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and i typed, the chat that contains wife, me, her and my son and I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed? He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them.

Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family (wife me daughter, son and niece) group chat, i already got in shit for that, and thats my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed, her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now.

My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room. The apartment belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city.

Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok dude. Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing. My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.

I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat, I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets and sleeping on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed?

Did I take it too far? Shoukd I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent.