(UPDATE) WIBTAH if I permanently cut off all contact with my husband’s family.
Hey guys! Really wish I wasn't coming with updates but here we are...
So, after I made my post, I had a LONG conversation with my husband to where he said he accepted my choice of not being around his family, but then mentioned that he didn't want to be around mine. To my knowledge nothing like this had been going on with my side and when I directly asked, he said it was in part due to the language barrier, but also that it was because I was creating distance with his, so it was only fair to him. I think that this is spiteful for sure, but said it was fine.
Fast forward a few weeks, he decides that with the holidays around the corner, he's going to let his mom know that I won't be around, but he will still join. I had asked to hear this conversation, not for her response (I could care less), but to hear how he would word. He chose to not do this and two days later, I got a group text that his mom sent out to the entire family stating she was expecting to see everyone soon again. I was definitely thrown off because supposedly... we just had a conversation, right?
Fast forward from that--about another week or two--one of his brothers asked if we would be at Thanksgiving due to him bringing his new girlfriend. My husband without my knowledge stated that he would be with my side. He then asked me how to explain the situation when he was asked why. I told him that it was probably time for him to be honest with his brothers about how he had been feeling due to them choosing to not be at our wedding. (He hasn't really seen them due to feeling hurt and unseen). He agreed and in fact did say that he was upset over that, how no one reached out since we got back from our wedding, and how it's been incredibly awkward because he can't have conversations with them. I was actually really proud of him for FINALLY saying things. But, here's where it goes downhill. I asked him directly how the conversation went as it was via text and if he was finally able to make the amends he wanted (I'm not against it, it's his relationship with his brother), but started getting response that I didn't ask for like, "well, he brought up that one time he made a face," so... I asked three more times and got the same responses. My gut feeling was that he was lying.
So, I did a thing which I know I shouldn't, but I looked through his messages, to find that things were actually invalidated, and even though my husband hadn't said anything about me, his brother decided to say that no one was allowed to speak to me and that they don't understand why I've changed, and they think he's acting how he is to "protect" me. For clarity guys, I never said the sibling could speak to me, I just don't reach out. I did say that any communication with his mom would be in a group text with him so it could be civilized--that is, until I cut contact myself. The ONLY time I said I wanted to be left alone was earlier this year when I miscarried in my second trimester (this was before I fully decided against kids).
My husband did not defend anything, just went with it. I tried checking in again, and again he lied to my face. I think I've come to realize that he's loyal in a way where I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but disloyal to me and the marriage in many other ways. I've tried asking the tough questions like, "why're you comfortable making me uncomfortable," but it doesn't seem to go anywhere.
This is just so disheartening to me because I really have tried, with him and them. No I haven't made final decisions... honestly don't have the energy for it. The worst part of all of this is, I am a trauma therapist on top of it all. I see and hear the worst things and see the difference I make in other lives, but can't seem to fix my own. I think I'm just tired and probably do have to figure out how to move forward. Just never imagines being in this position.