u/CriticalAd3175

dinner is french leeks with mash and cod, it was sooooo good

EDIT - wow, i didn’t expect this post to gain so much attention. i appreciate your support so so much thank you guys ❤️‍🩹✨
i’m trying to respond to every comment, but also taking a break for now… i can’t explain how grateful i am for all the support you’ve given me, i also need to make space in my mind 💕
i made this post so i could tell someone about it and not have to sit with it until my partner comes home.
lots of love 🥰

❗️TW for SI/ murder/ parents with mental disorders

because this story had about 17 years of brewing time, it has a lot of context. i’m going to try to only bring up relevant information, but i’m super scatterbrained right now.
this is a long one, apologies in advance 💕

at 3 almost 4 years old my (f19) parents decided to get divorced. i don’t remember my dad being in my life the years before or after.
after the divorce my dad moved out and mom and i first lived in our old home. later we moved in with my grandparents because as my mom likes to joke ‘your father got the money but luckily i got you’. after a long financial battle my mom finely got us a place tg

only about 2 years into the divorce i remember seeing my dad again. it was always under supervision by random women that i didn’t know. i wasn’t told why this was the case. i would see my dad once a month for a few hours and later i would spend a weekend at his place every two weeks

ever since i’ve been conscious, i’ve known that something really fucked up happened, but i never knew what;
-my mom would tell me that she couldn’t speak about it because she was scared for me
-mom was a massive helicopter parent and i wasn’t allowed to be out of the house without her knowing/ having my live location on. she would sometimes let slip that this was in a way related to ‘the battle’ she had over me
-she told me that she had been in multiple lawsuits to fight for my safety. i later found 3 binders in my dads attic (about 40 cm stacked) that was filled with these lawsuits. out of respect for mom i didn’t read these at the time
-like i said, in the first year that i was allowed to see him, it was under constant supervision
-my mom can’t be vulnerable, and i’ve always suspected it had something to do with my dad, which she confirmed about two years ago
-my mom was 17 and dad was almost 29 when they started dating

growing up i’ve never liked my dad, he’s arrogant, manipulative, egotistical, extremely depressed (chronic depression for 25+ years), racist, homophobic and overall just a lying piece of shit.
when i was younger i used to be so so sad that my dad ‘didnt care’ about me, but after i realized that he only wants to be my dad when he wants to feel good about himself, i never wanted a relationship with him again.
sadly im financially dependent on him, so we keep contact.

recently we’d gotten into a fight where i had brought up his financial abuse toward my mom. he used to give her 20£ a month as alimony whilst my mom couldn’t buy clothes or food for me or herself.
he told me he would never financially support me ever again if a brought that up one more time

after this my mom and i have been talking more and more about what actually happened, and i’ve been trying to get my mom to be open and honest with herself. she’s a though cookie but he broke every last piece of her

at a nice dinner the subject of my dad came up, and my mom burst out in tears. after a while she told me (through sobs) that she ‘really wants to tell me the truth so i can understand’ but that she couldn’t because ‘no child should hear these things’
she asked me if i really wanted to know and after some reassurance and a confirming nod she started talking

‼️she told me that my dad was planning on murdering me.

after seeing a story on the news about a guy murdering his two sons 7 and 9 years old, and committing SS after, he told my mom that he was going to do the same
i was between 3 to 7 years old when the threat to this happening was highest.

so many pieces fell into place, everything that my mom and i went through suddenly makes sense. that’s… relieving…?

but my dad, begging to have me in his life, telling me that he cries himself to sleep at night ‘knowing that i hate him’, telling me that he loves me, blaming my mom for everything esp for not ‘allowing him to have me/ taking me away from him’…
i don’t know how to put this plain manipulation into words.

i don’t feel sad for myself… at all… right now i don’t know what i feel. betrayed is one thing, more im not sure yet.

but i feel so so so sorry for my mom. i was a massive rebel child and went against anything she said. i would disappear for hours.
imagine that… sitting at home, not knowing where your child is, trying to contact them and it not going through and the main thing that you are scared about is ‘her father has killed her’
and this was not only going on when i was being rebellious, every single time i got on my bike to go to school, every single time i was at a friends house, every holiday we went on. all my mom thought about was ‘i hope he doesn’t snatch her and see her lifeless on the news’

so many people have told my mom to stop prosecuting my dad, so many have ruled against her, so little people have given her support and trust.

if i could travel back in time i would tell little 17 year old her to not date my father. but she wouldn’t have listened. not because she already loved him by that point, but because she would see me and not want to rob me of my existence. she has given everything for me and would again in a heartbeat

i’m grieving the woman she could have been without my father, even if that meant that i wouldn’t have excited

important, i have people to talk to about this, they are currently on holiday but will be back in a few days. i’ve also made an incident report of the entire conversation between my mom and i to send to my therapist.
right now i’m im posting this to get this off my chest because it’s been the only thing on my mind for the past few days