r/BDSMAdvice

In a short term dynamic with a new sub. We vetted and are in a predetermined short dynamic.

I told him to write me a list of ten punishments for me to choose from and rank them from light to hard.
The three last punishments are physical things that he put in his boundary list (e.g biting and restraining).
He knows these are desires of mine and he knows I am very respectful of boundaries so I would never push them.

What are your thoughts on him putting these as possible punishments ?

Okay I already posted this on an age regressor subreddit and was ruthless attacked because apparently I'm in the wrong... so I don't think I explained it well or didn't make sense so I'll try to do better here.

Also I'm 18f he is 30m

My dom/Cg is going through stuff (work and family members not doing well) and i get it its alot to deal with but anytime life is stressful or bad he will ignore me for days to months on end (one day he will be talking to me the next radio silence) no warning no conversation just gone until he is ready to comeback and tell me he is alive and dosent hate me. I'm not sure what to do like I know he is going through a rough time but that doesn't mean I deserve to be ignored and by myself until he feels like talking to me again.

He dosent tell me he needs space no telling me everything has gone to shit. I would love an adult conversation a warning a confirmation he is alive everyday but no hes gone. Then when he comes back I tell him I don't like when he disappears he says sorry and he'll try to do better but he keeps doing it again and again and again. I feel like if I end it with him that will only make it worse but I don't know if I can stay sane doing this over and over again. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

(And telling me I suck because I want communication is shitty. Yes I am on reddit asking a little subreddit what to do but let's be honest I haven't been little around him in forever. All he wants from me is sex currently that's all I get when he comes back like fucking call me a fleshlight cause apparently that's all I'm good for. (Also had a convo about me feeling like that he deleted what he said and nothing changed)

so please redditors tell me how fucking shitty I am and what a terrible little and sub I am because I promise you can't tell me anything worse than what in already telling myself.) From what I said earlier but it's still important

Edit: typo

Hi, I am 27M. Hope I can describe this well enough without writing too much. The thing is, I have a big problem with self confidence, it is all about my looks. Never been hurt in person, just the online lookism think screwed me up about 7 years ago and it never let go.

I am just 5 foot 8, my skeleton in general is quite thin, so my hands, wrist etc. are naturally smaller (yes muscles would help a bit), I am also blue eyed, so not the attractive dark type. Few days on r/amiuglytruth I made a post concerning whether I look to feminine, where the usual response was that I am not. I do acnkowladge that I am pretty, but that is the whole problem.

I love BDSM, but my "pretty" non dangerous face and small frame just completely prevent me from enjoying any fantasy that I could be dominant with a girl. I just feel like despite her having potentially sex with me or relationship with me, it would not be the actual "do whatever you want with me" thing. I don´t know how to describe this, for me BDSM is something about mutual trust, but for sure some sort of an animal instinct / spark must be there from the woman´s side.

Regarding the BDSM part I always felt more domintant, but in the past years I just started enjoying porn where women are dominant because I cannot imagine I could be seen as a dominant counterpart by a woman which completely cuts me off from the fantasy as I cannot relate to it, despite strongly wanting to.

What did not help is, that I had horrible behavior in high school and despite not being chased all the time by girls, I had some chances I could use, but did not. During uni covid happened, so not much sexual experience when I was young. Then I found a girlfriend with which I am now, where yes, the sex is quite a problem, which is destroying my confidence even more.

I already decided I will break up with her, however I dont know what to do from here. Since my low self esteem is originated all in my looks, what do I do? How do I am supposed to get confidence in this area? What if I find out, that actually yes, I could never be perceived as a dominant counterpart by women? I was thinking of BDSM meetups, but I am afraid that I will just get hit with the hard truth. This is not an EGO thing, just a fantasy I cannot relate to, knowing it will always be an illusion, is causing me distress.

I am looking for advice about the sub drop that I consistently lead myself into. When I get excited, I get impulsive and end up having online sessions with people I don't know well or don't match well with. I am experiencing an intense drop right now... and it is entirely my fault.

I don't know what to do to stop this cycle, or at least to feel better at the moment.

I'm starting to think I have mostly negative feelings connected to kink at this point.

While having sex with my partner, we started kissing, and then he started choking me. and we have done it numerous times before, and i enjoy it very much.

But this time, while choking me, i got this flash of

light while what i thought was when were kissing and i felt like kind of out of my body, the closest familiar feeling i can describe was like this one time i got real bad derealization from being too high on weed. But it lasted for just a few seconds, then i remember snapping back to reality and then pushing him off of me and then going to another room looking for something, like i was kind of out of it. When i asked him he said that we were not kissing and that he was just chocking me and then i started making this gurgling snoring sound but while still holding eye contact with him so my eyes were open the whole time. Then he stopped and lifted my head backwards so that i could breathe and thats when i snapped back and looked wide eyed and afraid like i didn't know what just happend.

I've struggled with derealization before and have had a lot of mental health things that make me snap in and out of reality, i also remember that i was kind of not super into it at the start while we were kissing so maybe i dissociated? I'm not really sure if it was just mental or if i was actually passed/knocked out for a few seconds?

I just hope someone out there can help me understand what happened because i am very confused and afraid. Also, because i don't want to stop being choked because i like it so much, but also I'm not sure if what happened is a sign to stop?

My Dom and I (F) are in our mid-40s. We're easing into a 24/7 dynamic. He's creating the rules. I can give feedback or make requests. I don't have a problem with the rules he's created for me, but every rule is for me. Going to this level is new for both of us. I don't want him to lose his center and start power tripping and I know he wouldn't want that either.

So as the title says, doms/dommes, when making a list of rules your sub needs to follow outside of play, do you also create a list of rules for yourself? And is there a good resource you would recommend to a dom/domme for creating a healthy 24/7 dynamic?

Thank you 🌻

So I (29F) have been with my partner (33M) for 4 years now. Before him, I had experienced a lot of BDSM, while he was more vanilla, but slowly we started to do more BDSM-y things, respecting his own pace. I've always liked to be submissive, and we explored that through shibari courses and so on. But something was still a bit weird, and I noticed that he wasn't fully comfortable being dominant. So I suggested us to switch, even though I never actually have been dominant before. It's working quite well, but it's not the mainstream domination in which I directly tell him what to do, and he does it. It's through... manipulation (consensual, of course). A non sexual example here: I ask him to get me water, then he says something like 'i'm busy', which prompts me to make a big cute eyes face (think puss in boots) and he immediately does it for me. We've been exploring this during sex as well. It's almost like 'soft domination' (?) like we all know I'm being the dominant here, but it's not direct. He says it turns him on to do everything he can to please me, and I'm loving it because it doesn't feel too dominant either. Is there a name for this dom/sub subtype? I'd love to learn more.

I am 22(f) I have not been very interested in sex in general but for quite a while I have been finding myself watching videos and reading a lot about bdsm.

I am the type of person who suppresses their emotions and always are in control but nowadays I can't help but feel the need to be handled by someone else and to give up that control.

And I am scared because of it and I don't know who to talk about this kind of thing because from where I come talking about normal sex is considered a big taboo.

I guess what I am trying to ask is what should I do ?

PS: any advice will be much appreciated 🙂‍↕️

(Throwaway account for personal reasons)

Hello everyone, I (25 male) am a complete virgin. I've always been interested in the world of BDSM, but I never took the time to get into it during my studies (nor to get in a relationship).
Now that I have a job, I finally have more time to explore this side of myself. I already have a FetLife account and recently went to my first munch, which was a really nice experience (even if I got some strange looks when I mentioned my virginity (they asked fyi)). I’m actually planning to attend a second one next week.
On the other hand, I got the impression that to find a partner, you need experience, but to gain experience, you need a partner. It feels like a bit of a catch-22 to me.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and/or has some advice for a complete beginner (both in bdsm and relationship) ?

Thanks in advance

A little back story, my ex F30 and I M40 broke up early June after 2 1/2 years, mostly because our relationship went cold and we were both dealing with life anxiety. Nothing really happened to force a breakup we were just drifting apart and the connection was gone. We are still in contact and after some time and therapy we are looking to give it a try. We are definitely taking it slow and working through things with clear boundaries.

Our sex life was really non existent. I see sex as a form or connection and it is emotional. I like to please my partner and make sure they are enjoying themself. In one of our conversations we talked about sex styles and she opened up about being a sub brat. Sex for her is not emotional, she wants to be dominated. For me I have been in the dom role some but it is because my partner wanted it that way. It isn’t really something that I crave or really know how to do if I am being honest. I am looking to have a conversation about the dom role and just learn a little more. Of course there is also conversations with her to really figure things out on her side as well. I am just trying to get some more general info and have a conversation to learn more and see if this is something I can provide. Hope that helps.

Hi, I am seeking advice. This is, for obvious reasons, a throwaway account, so please don't be bothered by that.

I find myself in a situation where every option is unsatisfying and I am stuck in my head. Hence, I am looking for some input via this post.

Maybe first, some points about myself to give some frame of reference. I am a male in my late 30s, no kids, and have always been dominant. I am curious and have done a lot of different BDSM stuff in the past with different partners, male and female. I am more interested in females, but as long as I can live out my dominant side and find a play partner who has compatible interests, I don't mind male counterparts.

Over the years, I learned what kinks I have, which ones I like, and what makes me happy. Of course, everything is always consensual and practiced safely and slowly. I have had experienced partners as well as interested newcomers whom I introduced slowly and safely into the general world of BDSM.

So, long story short: I would consider myself experienced, someone who knows what I want and also how to take things slowly and safely with inexperienced but interested play partners. However, with all the partners (male and female) I have ever had in the BDSM context, I was never attracted to them outside of that dynamic. Most were on a friend level, but never in a romantic relationship. I was always very open about that.

About 4 years ago, I met my girlfriend. Compared to me, she is very vanilla. I think in my life I was truly in love twice, and she is the second person. I almost thought I would never be in love like that again after the first relationship didn't work out.

In the beginning, I was open about my BDSM desires. She said she was not into this kind of stuff and asked me if I could live without it. To be honest, I was so in love that I was convinced that with her, I didn't need this kind of interaction. And it also worked for about two years. I was happy with what I had, and I always respected her decision and never pushed her again.

Then my desire for BDSM and the things I had experienced in the past caught up with me and started rising again. I found myself thinking about those things and wishing to do them again. Not because of those people from the past, but because of the activities themselves.

I lived with these thoughts for about a year and tried to reduce them somehow (porn). However, it is not the same and not satisfying. When she asked me, I was honest. I truly believed it at that time and thought that my love for her was enough. Now I have to admit that this part of me cannot be locked away, and I feel the rising need to get back to it.

My girlfriend is perfect for me in every aspect that does not involve BDSM. I still love her, and everything is really great.

I was already open with her and told her about my feelings and desires. That back then I meant it, and that I may have changed or underestimated the desire in me. Of course, at first she was not happy to hear that. But after many talks, she agreed to give it a try.

We had many additional talks about it, and I explained everything to her. What the boundaries are, how this can be done as safely as possible, and whether she really wants to give it a try.

After about 2 or 3 months of only talking about it, we started with a first session. I built it to be as beginner-friendly and safe as possible without going far in any direction. As she is completely new to it, I didn't want to cross any boundaries. Heck, I didn't even want to get near any possible boundary. We talked about the first session, and she was surprised by how "pulled back" it was. I explained that I wanted to start as slowly as possible.

We did other sessions afterwards. In every session, I am very focused on her. I try to read every small signal she is sending and keep things beginner-friendly and make everything as slow as possible. Compared to other things I have done, I would barely put them in the BDSM space, which I know is vast and broad. Meaning we are just scratching the surface. Which is absolutely fine.

I am so focused on her that I cannot let myself fall into the dominant role and do things naturally. That is also fine for me for a while, to get her introduced safely.

However, I have doubts about whether it is really safe for her. It is never my intention to hurt or traumatize her. But during the sessions, I have the feeling that she is zoning out, doing it because she thinks she has to do it so she doesn't lose me. I don't see any enjoyment in her at all. Not like I used to see it in the play partners I had in the past.

But I am sure that she is not completely honest with me here. I respect that she is not into it. I never mentioned it in a way like, "You have to do it with me or else I will leave you." I wanted to be honest with her about my desire, as I think that is what one should do in an honest relationship.

Now, after this long text, my problem is that I don't think I can live without acting on this desire in me that I have tasted once. I also don't want her to do it just to please me while she doesn't actually like it. I don't want her to do things that she doesn't want herself. But at the same time, I don't think I can live without the BDSM stuff either.

Opening up the relationship so that I can do BDSM stuff with others who actually enjoy it, but whom I have no romantic interest in, is also not something I would like to have. As I know that she is a jealous type, I think it would slowly kill our relationship.

I also live in a rural area where there aren't like a million options for play partners who would agree to something like that. I haven't actively searched for it, though, so that is just my assumption.

I am not sure if I make any sense.

I would love to have someone in my life that I truly care about AND who is into the kink stuff I am into. Seems to be the unicorn that does not exist

So I feel torn between two worlds.

Do you have any advice?

Hello!

I’m a submissive brat (female), and somehow I’ve only ever attracted really submissive men. I’m talking the “please peg me / can i call you mommy” type, and I really dont get why.

I have a few ideas that may play a role; I'm extroverted and I dominant conversation, Im tall sitting at 5'10ish (176cm) and I'm very direct with physical affection/attraction. Ig my bratty attitude could be misinterpreted as well. Anyways, I dislike it. I dont want to top D:. I want to be reminded of my place of being a sub.

This is the part where i ask for advice. How could attract more brat tamers or just dominant guys in general? Im still somewhat new to the bdsm community so maybe im doing things wrong…

Okay bye

hello. i’m an eighteen year old girl who is very curious about bdsm and i’d like to explore it more but i am not currently in any arrangements. i briefly had a daddy but we are no longer in contact and i want to explore my preferences further but it’s difficult by myself to do. so i would greatly appreciate if you have any suggestions that could help me! here are a few things that my former partner and i have done/were in routine. i’m trying to continue to do these routines but it’s hard to stay motivated without him.
- he would tell me what panties and clothes to wear
- we had rules that i would have to spank myself if i broke
- he would make me go to the gym and not eat dessert unless it was the weekend or he deemed me to deserve it.
i know that it doesn’t seem like a lot, but keep in mind that this was my first relationship with a dynamic like this and i wanted to take it slow. 🥹

My husband and I are currently long distance for a little while, and we recently tried the whole phone sex thing. And apparently, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Which is strange because I’m completely comfortable with dirty talk in person. But over the phone? My brain just stopped working. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, felt ridiculously awkward, and the more I tried to think of something, the worse it got.

For a little context, we’re both switches, so I’m interested in advice from either side of the dynamic.

I think my biggest issue is figuring out how to actually get things going and keep the conversation flowing naturally. I don’t want to sound like I’m reading from a script, but apparently I need something to work with until I get more comfortable or into it.

What are some good ways to initiate things or ways to keep things interesting without feeling like you’re forcing it?

hey guys!! i just want to know if everyone here thinks reddit is the best place to talk to people/seek advice/ ask questions about topics regarding BDSM as a whole? I know some people say there’s too many weirdos, i’ve heard mixed reviews about fetlife. I have just this need to talk to anyone about it and some things i’m struggling with or need advice/answers on. and i know this is LITERALLY called bdsm advice, but i want to know if those of us REALLY into the lifestyle consider this the best place to go???

sincerely a girl who just needs to “girl talk” with people that get it and aren’t judgy

so i have this little recurring kink/fantasy of being a camgirl…i don’t actually want to be one and any real life version of this is off the table for me. but ive been trying to figure out if theres a way i can sort of simulate the experience? specifically, its the lewd, low effort comments that are objectifying/kinda degrading that you see in these sorts of spaces. it kinda hits the right spots of objectification, voyeurism and exhibitionism, and it’s lowkey kinda fun and brainless. i’ve already scoured the internet for ai tools and can’t seem to find one that allows nsfw content creation in the way that i’m looking for. helpppp does anyone know what i could do to create a fake NSFW chat stream for this 😭.

Has anyone tried to use an electric flyswatter on a sub's tender bits (balls, penis) ?

I have always been kinky and dominant. I find it comes quite naturally to me when I’m not involved with someone. When I do get attached I start feeling vulnerable emotionally and it kind of hinders my ability to be dominant.

I am seeing this guy for about a year and a half. We had a complicated dynamic for a long time. It started off as just sex with D/s dynamic but then involved feelings and then an abrupt break from my end. We have reconnected and now trying to take it slowly. Because I feel emotionally attached I’m always just worried about whether he’s feeling ok or if something I did was not ok for him or too much.
Last time I wanted to tie him up and edge him after we had sex but then I didn’t because I didn’t wanna “inconvenience” him because he wanted to cum right then. We recently had a conversation and I told him I want to return to the full D/s dynamic in sex now that we are reconnecting and he said he’s into that. I told him what I was intending to do last time when we were having sex but then I got into my head because I wanna be considerate of him and didn’t do it. And he said that yea usually when guys tell him they are gonna dominate him it doesn’t end up working because he has a big personality and unless they really go ahead and take charge it just feels fake.
This hurt me a bit and I got even more in my head.
Am I just lacking self confidence to go ahead and actually do the Dom stuff that I want? I don’t know why it feels so risky in a dating situation as opposed to when we started unattached I was very easily able to dominate him and I think he very much enjoyed being a sub.

Hello everyone! This is my first time here, so go easy on me haha. I honestly had no idea where to go with this question.

This is going to be a long one, but unfortunately the context matters a lot, so bare with me.

My husband and I practice on the fringe of BDSM (think amazon and Adam and Eve lmao) but hes always been in the dominant role and Ive always been in the submissive role. This has worked great for us for years.

About 6 months ago, however, I was diagnosed with DID by a licensed professional. Now that I am aware of my system, I have an alter that is VERY much into the submissive side off BDSM but I have other parts that are now -severely- triggered by it.

Im working through the parts stuff with my therapist but in the mean time, my husband offered to switch roles so that we could still have fun and I could have control so my system wouldn't freak out. We rehashed dos and donts and for the most part everything has been fine.

Except Im a horrible dom. Hes been patient and he gave me a list of things I could do to him and I feel so embarassed and guilty about doing it to him. I need help lmao.

I tried the soft dom thing and that was okay, but its really not what hes looking for. He said we could go at my pace but i get awkward as fuck and start quoting spongebob. ​I keep asking him if hes okay and apologizing and its kind of stressing me out because I know Im taking him out of it.

Any tips? Am I hopeless? 🥲 Eventually my more sexual alter takes over and its better but I still feel guilty as fuck afterwards.

Thank you so much for you time, guys.

I’m M24 and had a date with a girl recently. We had a good conversation and she mentioned that she always wanted to dominate a guy. I wasn’t against it and said we should give it a try. We went straight to her flat and to the bedroom… and damn she was prepared. Ropes to tie me up, oil and some toys laid already on her bed. She tied me up and started teasing me. It ended that she gave me 2 ruined and one real orgasm. Now I really want to do this again and I found out a new kink for me.

Does anyone has experienced something like this too and can give me any advices for upcoming meet-ups?