r/BDSMAdvice

There is this one tiktok "influencer" who openly talks about their dynamic which at times has been very educational.

Recently I saw a video where they talked about not using safe words anymore since they and their Dom have known each other for 10+ years.

Is that a thing? Like do people get so attuned to their partner that they don't need a safe word anymore?

Personally I'd imagine that that could be classified as unsafe play, but I'm still learning so idk :/

Edit: For clarification in the video im referencing they explicitly stated they dont have a safe word, not that they dont use one. they also mention that their dom is basically in charge of their limits, so unless the Dom reads their actions as a No, they won't stop

Looking for help in this great community. I’ve been an occasional service sub for a woman for a few months. In those few months I’ve served her about 6 times. Cleaning, laundry, help with her car, moving boxes, returning items, etc. I wasn’t ever perfect but she really appreciated the service and was thankful.

Recently I messed up a few things and she got mad and we both sort of decided that we would mutually end the arrangement. It seemed to end peacefully. Suddenly though, the next day she messaged me accusing me of damaging something in her home while cleaning the last time I was there a few days earlier. I told her I did not even touch this item. She began berating me and verbally attacking me. I told her I twice how I am now uncomfortable and to please stop. She refused saying she “dont give a fuck that you’re asking me to stop”. She told me the item that was “damaged” was sentimental and this is extremely upsetting to her. She also accused me of throwing part of the item out. I told her I absolutely did not and would never do that.

I feel like I may be being set up for extortion now, as she has a whole history of texts from me with many intimate things about me. She also knows my name and address. She does not know where I work. She’s always had a bit of a minor attitude , but I am in shock over these turn of events. I am desperately seeking advice now as it is clear I am dealing with someone who may be uncontrollable and damaged. Never trusting anyone again with my information. As of right now the conversation has stopped for the moment. Anxiety currently through the roof.

My partner/Dom and I had engaged in a three day long scene where I was in deep submission for all 24 hours of those three days. I felt that the experience was very rewarding despite the extreme physical and mental strain it took. Especially because even though we’ve had problems in the relationship, me engaging with him this way seems to have lessened his mental load and made him (in general) calmer and happier.

But I think it gave him the impression that I can take harsher treatment now in our regular play. Recently I had accidentally broken a rule during a scene (in all honesty I really tried my hardest to be good but I think he pushed me hard enough to break it on purpose) and that had resulted in me being threatened to be left tied up while he went to bed.

I had let it go at first but it had actually happened for real when mixed with alcohol. I remember being really scared that I was going to vomit. And when he let me go in the morning my muscles and my head were absolutely screaming. A part of me thinks he only let me go because we both needed to go to work, and it would’ve gone on longer if we didn’t.

I was so mad at him for doing that to me, he tried to say it was okay because he was next to me the entire night and I was on my stomach and wasn’t gagged. Normally I would be okay with that kind of explanation but I can’t let this go. I’ve been told to leave before, but against my instinct I still stay. Because I really love him and despite our problems, I was never so scared that I was genuinely going to die.

But on the other hand I still wonder if this was just an honest mistake, like, he does get a lot of his ideas from porn so maybe he thought it was genuinely okay to do that. So that’s kind of what my question is, is there any real world like.. professionals or more experienced people that would do something like that and be okay with it?

I am a very naturally talkative and outgoing person, but despite my love of language and communication, it feels IMPOSSIBLE to talk dirty during play…. I’ve always been told that I’m a really good communicator (I do have some social anxiety at certain times, but it’s relatively slight.)

The social anxiety SHOULD be irrelevant because my sub and I have been married over six years, together almost 9, and he genuinely is obsessed enough with me to where anything I say is either cute or sexy to him, but it still feels impossible for me to open my mouth and say stuff?

It’s really hard to describe the weird shame or something that I feel, so I’m sorry for the mid explanation.

I’m really hoping maybe someone on here has some good exercises or advice on how to get past this block?

Edit: I’m specifically looking for some actionable advice, but am open to conversation too if it’s needed to help 🫶

My local bdsm-club is looking more and more like a core group of shibari/impact-doms who seems to want to ‘try’ every new sub, while every new Dom is left outside the in-group, feeling isolated.

There are some characters who more than once have overstepped boundaries in front of witnesses during an official party. When complaints are filed, conclusion is literally ‘witnesses could not be found - advice you to just talk it out with the unsafe dude’.

Is there anything to do with this?
I realize this is a very open question, but I’m at a loss.

Ive been struggling with online relationships with doms in the past 2 years. I am unable to experience being a sub in real life at the moment. Any advice on how not to get attached too much? Its hurting me on very deep levels when i get ghosted or just left. Im going to therapy weekly but it dosent seem to help me.

I have only been to very few play events, but every time I do, I leave with a bad feeling because of how someone had turned me down. My offense is not fair to the person who was kind enough to be honest with me and I would in now way prefer someone does anything they’re uncomfortable with, but I still leave the interaction feeling uncomfortable and often offended.

Some examples of what I mean:
I don’t play with Asian girls.

I don’t want to play with anyone less than a 7 (on the physical attractiveness scale)

You’re too old for my taste (I am in my early 20s and this person looked much older)

You don’t look strong enough to handle me

I don’t like short girls

Nobody owes me a scene and I would rather they be honest in expressing their boundaries than not. Still, I don’t know how to feel anything but offence when someone says, in no uncertain terms, that I am not pretty enough for them. I guess this kind of rejection takes place in all aspects of life, but for some reason it hurts more when we are in a place intended for emotional and physical vulnerability. When someone says something like that, I feel myself losing interest in playing with anyone at all.

I don’t know how to balance my belief that everyone is entitled to decide who they do/don’t want to play with without judgement, and my belief that categorically dismissing anyone of a single ethnic group is discriminatory. I live in a very racist area and I am frankly losing interest in going to fet events because of the prevalence of (white) people with boundaries about not playing with Asian people.

Relatedly, people are entitled to their age preferences, but having multiple 50+ men tell me they play exclusively with women under the age of 20 makes me uncomfortable. I want to assume the best in everyone and it is not my place to judge or scold anyone’s fantasies, but it makes me viscerally uncomfortable to hear someone proudly proclaim they only dom teenagers.

Am I just too sensitive? Do I just need to get better with rejection? Is it reasonable to be uncomfortable about this? How can I stop feeling hurt when someone expresses a boundary? I do my best to just leave that interaction and mind my own business, but evidently, things like this stick with me. How can I be better at fostering an environment of open communication without judgement when I find myself feeling judged and inclined to judge others?

Hi everyone! So my question is if it’s acceptable or normal for a dom to tell a sub not to touch themselves during a scene and outside of a scene. Whenever that happened to me in the past I just felt low and kind of uncomfortable. Same thing as if the dom were to say “your pleasure doesn’t matter, only mine does”. Is that a safe BDSM practice?

I happen to find myself in the lovely position of having an ongoing dynamic with my wife and another woman (we’re polyamorous and in the early stages of a potential triad). Both of them are bratty subs, so I’m trying to find some fun and unique ways to tame them both at the same time when we’re next together in a few months.

They’re very similar in their submissive desires (forcefully held down, tied up, being used, praised, etc.) but have slightly different preferences when it comes to punishments (one loves being spanked so it’s not really a punishment whereas the other doesn’t relish the pain). My thoughts around taming them both at the same time have generally involved tying them up to each other (I’m an amateur / improving rigger) and l punishing one when the other brats off too much but I feel like I’m not being creative enough 🤷🏽‍♂️

Any ideas / experiences in this realm from anyone here?

The first time, my skin broke from a wooden paddle. I didn't take care of it and it didn't leave scar.

This second time though, I want to make sure that it will 100% not leave me any scar. This time I'll receive only cane strokes. I like it hard, so it will sure break skin.

Should I cover the wound with a bandage to prevent friction from my underwear? And if I do cover it, wouldn't it get moist and sweaty since it's under clothing? (I live in a tropical country, it's hot and sweaty here.)

I recently had an intense sexual experience with my Dom/boyfriend.

Through no fault of his, he was unable to provide aftercare. I experienced terrible sub drop.

A few days later, while I was still very low, he broke up with me.

It’s been about 4 weeks, and l still feel worse than I would after a normal breakup. I suspect that the situation is exacerbated by the fact that I was still in brutal sub drop.

Any advice on how I can address this on my own? I don’t want to bring this baggage into my next dynamic.

For over a decade, my wife and I have been suffering. We were both sick (she still is), but I got better.

We flirted with divorce as my wife was riddled with anxiety.

I posted about it in /r/Divorce_men.

Anyway, before all of this, before we were parents, my wife was my submissive. I was her dominant. It worked well. We were mostly in softmaledom, in part because of her issues with pain and my own issues with the fear of abusing her.

Still, we went to dungeons, and played in public; we notably did CMNF, and in our local community, she was renowned for being nude at BDSM events, wearing only a collar and wrist/ankle restraints.

We did some sharing; it was fun. We even had, for a short while, another girl I was dominant with.

But we became parents, our daughter was a lot, and slowly, our marriage collapsed for YEARS.

I felt guilty but also alone. I grew tired of just masturbating on my side or watching porn alone, and well, I bought a chastity cage about 7 years ago. It was at first just to stop masturbating; it's not like we were having sex anyway.

But the longer I wore it, the more submissive thoughts I had.

I slowly stopped seeing myself as dominant and more as a submissive.

However, here is the thing. I think it was more to punish myself for my failed marriage.

And yet, 3 years ago, we realized that our daughter, now an adult living with us with her boyfriend, was manipulating us. Putting fears in my wife's head for us to divorce.

She left when we put our feet down, and my wife is slowly getting better.

Enough that, like, a year ago, she told me, "If you remove that chastity cage RIGHT NOW, we'll have sex"

Sweet! I removed it, and we did have sex for the first time in like, 6 or 7 years!

I didn't put it back afterward, and the next day, we had sex again.

But then, it stopped. After a week or two, I put it back on, and a fight occurred about it.

In short, she thinks that I was never submissive, only ever dominant, and a good one. She was the problem. As proof, I have no problem with the other girl I dominated.

We had to move soon after, the cage went into a box, and I never put it back on.

When I am more assertive (and thus more dominant), chances of sex increase, my wife's stress lowers, and I feel less like a piece of shit.

The problem is that she is still sick. We suspect perimenopause, and so it's not a 1-to-1 causality.

In the past, 25 years ago, being assertive and dominant would DEFINITELY give me what I wanted. "Get naked", "It's cold" "I said, slave, get naked" "Yes master"

Now, when she is having a good day and I am dominant, it produces a positive outcome. We both feel better, but if I try being dominant and she is having a bad day, it backfires and I feel like shit. I wonder if I shouldn't be submissive and put the cage back on.

It's like misplaced feelings of guilt. But I don't have to feel guilty; it's not my fault her hormonal system is out of sync and doctors can't help her (she tried everything).

How can I keep that feeling that I should be dominant, that I had growing up, that I had as a teenager, and until perhaps 2005, was deep-seated, with only the last 7 years or so having other thoughts.

I mean, being in chastity for, like, 6 years didn't make me happy, but being dominant back then did make me happy.

In the past, I would watch BDSM videos and feel excited; now I feel guilty.

How do I undo the bad ideas formed at our lowest so that I might return to my best?

Is there an app like fetlife (i know fetlife isn’t an app) that is NOT a dating tool? Just information and chatting?

My partner (M26) and I (27F) have a good relationship everything that could be going right is except for the bedroom. When we first started dating a year and a bit ago it was his first relationship and first time doing the horizontal tango. He was submissive and so I took the lead with most things while he learned more about what he liked (although we kept it pretty vanilla). One day he didn't use the safe word when he felt uncomfortable while we were experimenting with a new thing. I know we are both chronic people pleasers so I wasn't mad but I told him I can't have him be in a submissive role anymore. It felt way too dangerous and hurt our relationship. We now have me in a more submissive role and him in a dominant role although I seem to still top from the bottom telling him what I want and what to do. It's only today he told me that he wanted to be in the sub role again (Has not told me what type of Domme he is wanting or what that looks like for him) but I still feel I can't trust him. He never did any homework or looked up anything we could do to experiment nor has he told me what he wants or needs instead I get an I don't know and that's that. I'm rough and aggressive and he is more soft and peaceful. I'm at the part in the relationship where I am worried that maybe we aren't a great fit. We spoke today to try and sort it out he said he wants to learn and do things and he is hoping the talk helps him push his comfort. I just... I want to make him happy too but I'm scared that he won't ever use his safeword and I'll feel like a downright monster for it. Is there any way we can salvage the trust if so I'm unsure how. It's a big thing that I can't really ignore.

So for context I (20y/o man) have had very little experience with relationships and, by extension, physical relationships. I’ve always been picky and wasn’t super interested in dating till after high school. So when I got into a relationship with my girlfriend at the time, I was kinda playing things by ear and just trying to be the best partner and boyfriend I could be.

The issue I was facing at the time was with my kinks/fetishes I’ve kept to myself for my entire life since I stigmatized them quite a bit. I have a submission and humiliation kink along with quite a bit that falls under that umbrella. Alongside the specific a high school bullying (specifically wedgie fetish) and a growing cuckold fetish.

When I told my gf at the time I was incredibly nervous but she was very supportive and through time she realized that it wasn’t necessarily something that I really liked, more of something that i needed. This was something I felt incredibly guilty about since this was something she didn’t understand. Many times we had talk and she would tell me that she doesn’t get why you’d want to be humiliated or cucked but she would do it bc it made me happy. While that’s a nice sentiment, I felt like I was being selfish. Many times I tried to talk to her about her sexual interests and try that but she never really said anything. Just that she felt like as long as I found her sexy and expressed that, that was enough for her. That guilt really weighed on me. I had felt that the cuck stuff made her uncomfortable since she had expressed she believed that I wanted that kind of relationship from her (which wasn’t true). Along side that I’d always have to ask for her to engage with it during sex. All that alongside my hatred for my kinks/fetishes really made me feel like a creep and a bad boyfriend since it was most of the time we had sex it was playing into my fantasies. I ended up leaving that relationship since, obviously, I had a lot to learn about and grow from. I’m doing better now and don’t look at my sexual interests in such a bad light but I don’t want to feel that way again.

When women say “I like it because you like it” or “I’ll do it to make you happy” in this context, is that ok and healthy for a relationship? And if I try to engage with her sexual interests and she doesn’t feel as strongly like my last partner, is that ok too? I’m learning but I’m still lost.

I'm female and single after 16 years and I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to dating 😅 The general dating advice for ladies seems to be: don't get too engaged, don't always message first, don't reply too quickly, don't change your plans for him etc. Apparently it's something biological that men need to chase.

This goes completly against my nature - if I like someone I'm very engaged, I enjoy daily contact. I can be quite chatty and I'm a master oversharer 😂 so I try not to lead too much since I identify as sub, but I'm very engaged and responsive. I don't like playing games and one of the reasons I chose to explore BDSM is because people who are really into it seem to be more emotionally intelligent and honesty and open communication is of the highest importance. So it feels counter intuitive for me to be more reserved on purpose.

I have a question for Doms - if you were getting to know a new sub, would you be turned off by her being very engaged in the conversations and initiating contact? Or would you feel like she's stepping on your toes? Do you feel the need to chase a sub, or on the contrary?

My partner and I have been in a relationship for about 3 years. We talked about our preferences and kinks from the start, so it wasn’t a surprise for me when he told me he has a nylon fetish. I don’t share the fetish, but I’m happy to live it out with him and learn about it. I am the first person he’s sharing this side with, and I feel very honored to experience this with him.

However, my partner has been heavily shamed about his queerness by his parents and always had the need to hide this side of himself. That shame sits very deeply with him, and re-emerges over and over again. So even though I know about the fetish and we have been experimenting with it, after a while he stops talking about it and hides it from me / comes up with white lies.

He says it feels like “starting from zero” every time. Rationally he understands that there is no need for shame in our relationship, but emotionally the fear overcomes him.  I am trying hard to reassure him that I love him for who he is, and we talk about it quite regularly, but that doesn’t seem to stop the shame from coming back.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and has any experience with this, any tips, exercises or thoughts? Thank you all so much!

I have a partner, we live together and have a happy relationship beyond DS dynamics. We also have bdsm scenes from time to time (I am sub, she doms) but mostly its kinky sex with some ds elements.
Last few monthes we both have hard time at our jobs and some family issues that takes time and effort and she is too much exosted to make a big scene for me.
As for me I use submissiveness and pain to calm myself when I am stressed. I have pretty submissive fantasies to help me relax at night and also I tried a few times to add something to a daily life to ground me during the day. It can be "corner time" when I am overwelmed, specific touches every 15 mins, like that. Helps to concentrate and stay calm (I work from home but work is stressful).
I definitely dont want any 24/7 ds relationship, but I feel like I am doing something wrong with this self-domination (?). But I am not really ok with sharing this with my partner also. Should I stop?
I d like to hear your opinions and advice about this situation.

Hi guys, me(19f) and my boyfriend(19m) have a sub/dom relationship and he’s extremely aggressive in bed, hitting, slapping, choking, the whole nine yards. I love being corrected in a sexual sense like when I mess up and stuff like that but recently he’s being slapping me or usually grabbing my throat when he’s angry with me in general, I just don’t know if that’s a normal thing or if I should be worried?? I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells lately because it really hurts and I don’t know if it’s something I should bring up or if I’m overreacting, thank you for any advice in advance:)

Edit:the incident that made me post happened the other night, we were in the shower and we were arguing about something(I genuinely cannot remember what) and he reached out with both hands and squeezed my throat till my knees started to give out and my vision almost went away. He grabbed me up immediately and held me and apologized and told me how scared he was that he’d really hurt me. That’s the most extreme thing he’s done so far but he seemed really regretful so I just don’t know