r/BDSMAdvice

I (26f) started dating my bf fairly recently and we found we have similar kinks. We’ve been sexting basically all day long for the past week and it’s kind of exhausting, rather than exciting, especially since I won’t get to see him often due to the distance. So I’m sexually frustrated and a little drained already. I want to tell him to dial it back or at least limit play time to once a day but I feel obligated as a sub to do what he wants. what do I do/say?

Ps: We’re both fairly new to bdsm

Been out of the game for a bit. I'd like to see if there are support groups or subreddits for questions or venting. Mental health is always a priority

Newbie here, so I may not know all the right terms/conventions. I understand that the dom and the sub share responsibility for consent, and if the sub says yes and doesn't tap out when they need to, they can't expect the dom to read their mind.

However... does a dom have a responsibility to proactively create space for the sub to express consent/nonconsent, either during a scene or after a scene? Or is it reasonable for them to just trust that the sub will speak up/tap out if they ever need to?

I'm very interested in hearing people's thoughts on this question in a general sense — please feel free to stop reading now and weigh in. But I also have a specific example I could use a sanity check on.

---

My incident happened a few years ago (I recently broke up with my first/only dom and have been reevaluating a lot of things), so I'm fuzzy on some details. The short version is: I had an unexpectedly bad experience during an under-negotiated but low-intensity scene involving light sensory deprivation and bondage, and I feel like a larger portion of the blame — and responsibility for aftercare — was put on me than I deserved, under the circumstances.

I know I'm not blameless for what happened, I fucked up by not tapping out, and I should have done more independent research instead of blindly trusting my dom to set conventions. But, if I ever decide to look for a dom again, I want to understand what's supposed to count as normal/desirable behavior on their end so that I have realistic expectations.

Some context before I get into the longer version, because "under-negotiated" means we were over-relying on this background understanding about each other:

• D had some level of experience as both a dom and a sub, but he hadn't played with any subs in years. I was open about having zero experience with anything, and wanting to defer to D's understanding of kink while we figured out what I liked. It was a LDR, so we ended up spending several horny months discussing our boundaries, risk profiles, and theoretical + actual interests in detail. By the time I visited, we felt confident we'd identified enough common ground to start dipping our toes in.
• D said he'd been told he did "hardcore 24/7" but he felt like that was kind of an exaggeration. I knew I wasn't up for anything like TPE, but what he described sounded more like "I have some baggage around the classic stereotype of Scenes, I'd rather just think of it as either 'doing things' or 'pressing pause on doing things.' I'm more interested in low-intensity things integrated into daily life anyway, I just want to do normal relationship stuff but with bondage whenever you're up for it." I asked to start with more tightly-scoped/scene-type stuff, and I said I probably couldn't do literal 24/7, but I was open to expanding scope over time, maybe up to a few days at a time.
• D and I both have AuDHD, his being more overt/severe than mine on both levels. I told him I might struggle with identifying whether something was okay in the moment, and he'd need to be open to talking about things afterward and giving me a chance to say "actually no, I didn't love that and here's what we need to modify." (basically, I was worried he'd check in, I'd say yes, and later realize it should have been a no, and I wanted him to know I would never blame him for taking me at my word.) He was nervous about getting delayed/revisionist feedback because he has severe rejection sensitivity, but he eventually told me that it was reassuring to know that I didn't expect him to stay hypervigilant at all times for my nonverbal cues, and to know I'd eventually come back to him with any issues.
• Having zero experience meant I'd never had a bad experience; I had absolute trust in D to take care of me, because he'd been my closest confidante for years; and D had referenced traumatic history with subs who successfully pressured him into things he didn't want, or expected him to prioritize their enjoyment at the expense of his own. Also, I had essentially been playing the Rescuer role in his Karpman drama triangle for years at this point. So... yes this was stupid naive of me, but my only priorities at the time were to push my comfort zone a little in the name of self-exploration, and to make sure that D felt safe, supported, and respected at all times.

The bad "scene" happened less than a week into our first in-person visit together since deciding to get kinky. As far as I can remember, it started as me offering company while D took a nap, and turned into D cuddling me while I was in a bit gag + hood + blindfold + cuffs (all self-removable, though the hood was new for me). This was probably around 4pm, based on when I would've finished with work for the day and gone to seek out D. So my implicit understanding was that I'd probably also nap for about an hour, and if it took D way longer than that to wake up, he'd be fine with me wandering off, but otherwise he'd probably offer to release me shortly after he woke up, since my starting offer had been "company while you nap." Meanwhile D apparently assumed that, since I could technically get up and leave at any time, if I didn't do that, it was because I wanted to keep doing the thing.

(As far as I can remember, we'd never explicitly talked verbal or nonverbal safewords, because D (this may be an unfair characterization) kind of considered them the same kind of cringe overkill as Doing A Scene, for anything less than CNC. After all, if we weren't doing anything intense and either of us could pause things by leaving at any time, why not just... communicate in normal ways, like normal people.)

So... I woke up from my nap, still hooded and gagged, and decided I wanted to challenge myself to stay put until D was ready, so I could find out if anything interesting happened with the sensory deprivation and also feel like I'd succeeded at Experimentation. And eventually D woke up... but didn't check in with me, and just stayed in bed cuddling me and browsing on his phone. At some point D mentioned that he should get some dinner soon... and I tried to say something through the gag about releasing me when he got up for dinner... which he apparently misunderstood as an offer to help with dinner... which I didn't realize, until he eventually got up without saying anything else and left me there. And came back with trail mix for himself, and didn't check in, and went back to happily cuddling me, and didn't check in.

I didn't experience subspace or anything. I think I just got really caught up in an anxiety-attack spiral about wanting to be a good girl who succeeded at reaching a preset end condition? But having no idea what the end condition was, or how far away it was, or whether it had already happened, and no way to clarify without automatically failing my task of "wait for dom to decide the activity feels complete," and not being able to decide on a specific End Of Scene moment fully on my own, and having too many tasks between me and End Of Scene to choreograph in my head (removing cuffs then blindfold then unfamiliar hood then gag). I remember the frozen anxious anticipation comboed really poorly with heightened sound sensitivity, because when he came back with food for himself, every piece of trail mix felt unbearably loud as I was waiting for him to talk to me.

I don't remember exactly how long this kept going before I worked myself up to enough of a flight response to pull everything off and get out. Based on message timestamps... I think it was at least six hours. At some point D emerged to check on me and I was basically frozen and nonverbal and couldn't engage with him or be touched. I had to message him an initial explanation over text before I calmed down enough to return to the bedroom and actually talk about it.

I'm pretty muddy on order of events for what happened after that. I know his initial response to my upset text included the phrase "I... would strongly prefer you have stopped me to check in?", and we had a grueling multi-hour conversation where D was crying a lot and said something along the lines of "Not only did you fuck up while trying to be good for me, if you're going to be this bad for me then how can I trust you enough to dom you?" and "...That came out more final than I intended." I think at various points in there he was also comforting me, but the overall slant was that I'd fucked this up by not responsibly removing myself before I became too impaired, he felt really violated by that betrayal of his trust, and he didn't understand how he was supposed to take a lesson from this other than "you're a bad and stupid person for thinking you're allowed to simply relax and have a nice time with your girlfriend, instead of maintaining hypervigilance mode so you don't forget to check in at regular intervals."

We ended up having a series of conversations about this, where I got increasingly angry on my own behalf about whether I was the only one meaningfully at fault in a scene that had first triggered me — until D finally hit a Breakthrough that the real problem was just he forgot I was a total newbie and he couldn't just assume that Everyone Knows what tapping out means. So, as long as he remembered to confirm the tap-out signal with me ahead of time, next time, he would be fine. No check-ins needed.

(We ended up deescalating things regardless after that, especially because I lost my ability to tolerate a gag for a while. So this is the only time anything really intense or upsetting happened, and it was years ago. But I assume the fact that it happened so early must have shaped our overall relationship and how safe either of us felt about pushing limits.)

Hi everyone!I'm a 21-year-old woman and I've been interested in BDSM for quite some time now. Unfortunately, I've never been in a relationship with that dynamic because the men I've been with were more of a "vanilla" type. I realized that "vanilla" doesn't appeal to me and that I like the dynamic to continue in everyday life, not just in physical intimacy. I'm completely new to BDSM and I'm especially interested in learning more about D/s dynamics. I'm still in the stage of researching and trying to understand this world better, and I want to learn as much as I can before actually getting involved in a dynamic with someone.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have more experience with D/s. What are the things you think every beginner should know before getting into it? I want to experiment in the future with a trustworthy person who also wants a relationship.

Knowing myself, I know I'm a submissive and I'd appreciate advice from other, more experienced submissives 🙂

What do people use to clean up after sex/play time / a scene, other than like tissues?

Both for vaginas owners and penis owners?

Sometimes we use tissues, sometimes small microfiber/terry cloths but at times they feel too rough. So looking to see what other options are out there

I'm not even 100% sure how to word this. I'll leave a TL;DR.

Say I'm joining a dating app, for the first time in a long time. Done some self-discovery, learned things about myself, feeling ready to get back out there.

I WANT to put "kink friendly!" At the bottom somewhere, to let other kinky people know that it's important to me and I'll be safe for them, as well.

BUT, I'm afraid that I'm literally so close to vanilla that it's going to be... Uh... Bait? Idk what word to use. Like, someone adds me, tells me about their kinks, and 9/10 times I'm probably too vanilla for them, so it causes friction.

TL;DR: *At what point is there basically no reason to put any kind of kink label on a dating app or anything, because you're not kinky ENOUGH? Too vanilla to be called kinky?*

Hello! I originally had this post on r/whatdoido and commenters told me to ask a bdsm subreddit!

I (19F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for over 2 years and is currently living together in our own apartment. When we first started dating we realized we were both into dominating foreplay and that no won’t always be a real no for us. So we established a safe word to be our absolute no.

In the beginning I only used the safe word a handful of times only for when I was in extreme pain. Though eventually I’ve started to say the safe word when being intimate became mentally and physically tiring and I want to stop or when I don’t want to do it at all and he’s trying to put it in, which has became more frequent lately. My boyfriend tends to go on for 20-40mins when he’s really into it and that’s a lot for me especially lately.

The past 3 times we were intimate he didn’t stop for the safe word and continued anyways. He would say how I’m not using it for the right reasons and how it’s only to be used for when I’m in pain. I told him I didn’t realize there was a bad reason to end intimacy and how I wouldn’t want to be intimate with him if he was uncomfortable and wasn’t in it. He told me that he has been uncomfortable before but “once he’s in it he’s in it”. I told him that the safe word was to be used to end intimacy and that I don’t feel comfortable doing intimate stuff with him if he truly didn’t want to do it and how I don’t want him to be intimate with me just because he thinks I want it. For some reason that made him very upset and said how I don’t understand how the safe word works and that intimacy is an act of service. He then followed that up with how he doesn’t want to have intimacy with me anymore or do anything intimate with me anymore.

I’m not too against not being intimate but I valued it since that’s the closest I can physically be to him.

UPDATE: Hello everyone! I listened to what everyone had to say and thank everyone for the advice. For more context, Me and my boyfriend are each others first so we’re still learning a lot of things.

Just to give more context to my Bf’s personality he truly is a sweet person. He’s quick to stop if he thinks I’m hurting and would adjust if need be. He checks up on me during intercourse and would tell me he loves me throughout. He always clean me up and would give water and aftercare every time. The discussion we had in the beginning was while we were cuddling. I showed him the comments and he freaked out and asked “if I truly didn’t want sex and if it felt like I was being forced upon during those moments?” I told him not technically, that I know if I was truly freaking out he would stop but that there should never be a case where it comes down to that since we have the safe word.

I told him I want sex to be enjoyable for the both of us and don’t want there to be a moment where I dread being close to you. I mentioned how I’m trusting him with the most vulnerable part of me and if I’m not comfortable and I want to stop, I’m trusting he’ll validate my feelings. I said when I say the safe word that means STOP and we can discuss his feelings afterwards. He hugged me and said he was sorry and how he was frustrated and felt guilty in the moment and took it out on me. We re-communicated our boundaries and I’ve forgiven him. Though I want to make clear that what my bf did was bad and not okay. I’ve chosen to give him grace because we’re both young and still figuring stuff out and the fact he doesn’t have a track record of dismissing my boundaries.

I'm an adult (18+) male and a masochist, and I'm trying to understand what BDSM relationships are actually like in real life.

I've seen BDSM videos where a Mistress/Domme is portrayed as extremely harsh and dominant toward a submissive man, including videos where they're presented as partners or a married couple.

What I've always wondered is: how much of that is a performance for the camera, and how much reflects their actual relationship?

If a Domme and submissive are genuinely a couple, does she usually have normal romantic feelings toward him outside of BDSM? Can she be affectionate, cuddle with him, comfort him, care about his feelings, go on normal dates, joke around with him, etc., while still genuinely enjoying being dominant during their BDSM dynamic?

Or do some couples maintain the Mistress/submissive dynamic throughout everyday life as well?

I'm asking because I personally want both sides in a future relationship.

I'd want a partner who genuinely enjoys being dominant and giving me consensual pain, rather than someone who only participates because I ask her to. At the same time, I would want us to genuinely love each other and have affection, emotional intimacy, mutual care and a normal romantic relationship outside BDSM.

I'm not using this post to look for a partner or solicit DMs. I'm just trying to understand from people with real BDSM experience whether my expectations are practically realistic.

Is having both of these things feasible in a long-term relationship or marriage? And how representative are BDSM videos of what Domme/submissive couples are actually like when the BDSM scene or camera ends?

TL;DR: I'm an adult male masochist who wants a partner who genuinely enjoys dominating me, while also wanting a loving and affectionate relationship outside BDSM. Is that realistically possible, and are the harsh Domme/sub relationships shown in BDSM videos representative of how those couples behave off-camera?

I am been recently craving bdsm sex, bondage, gag .etc but I know its a dangerous things. Apart from my hands being tied is there anything that i can experience alone while j masturbate. Legs tied or cock tied or gag ? I would appreciate some tips and tricks

Hi all,

My favorite mens bondage night just moved to a new location. The other parties held at this location use a lot of silicone lube. It gets on everything-- clothes shoes wheels........

Any advice for how to clean it up?

Hey kind people

I've met a new person I work well with, wonderful thing.

She wants to do knife play, I'm less sure, but open for the idea. Part of the uncertainty is scarring, infection and cleaning. I'm not in a position where I want scars not can cover them with tattoos.

I'm thinking of buying some wound disinfectant and gauze, but would appreciate some more tips and tricks for doing it safely, and take the conversation with her.

Edit: you are all reacting like I'd do this within the first week of knowing someone, and that we haven't talked consent and safety. I know that, that reaction comes from the nature of some of the other posts.

I'm here to cover my blind sides; like having a proper first aid course is a great idea, great articles, etc. I'm happy you care for my safety, I'm making sure if it's this person I should be dipping my toes on the waters with

I am a sub and live in a 24/7 dynamic. I was recently asked to Domme another man. This dynamic will be long distance. Mainly phones and internet. My question is how does one go from subbing one minute to domming the next? What do you do or think of to make the switch over smoother and still making my Dom feel like he is the priority. That I may be leading someone else at the moment bit my devotion is to him.

How do I make sure my sub feels like a priority too?

How do you balance it all and everyone be happy?

I know its alot to do with communication on all fronts and we are doing that for sure!! But im just wondering what else i have to learn about this new dynamic is am entering. Id love to talk to someone who has done this type of thing before. Any and all info is welcome and appreciated!!

I dont necessarily know where to put this or even what im asking advice for right now. My last Domme was a findomme. And since I was doing things for the plot at the time, I tried it out. Started off small, I was paying for things when we went out. I was okay with doing that and it didnt hurt me financially. Unfortunately when I truly like someone, money doesnt really matter to me. I think i learned my lesson with this part at least. After a while, it got to paying 2 of her bills. I chose 2 I could handle. Phone bill and car note. Reasoning for this was because she was going to be working a little more and it would cut into our time together so I thought I could help, at this time she had a roommate. That will be important later. And I was also told my job was to support her.

I do wanna say that maybe this is just heartbreak for me but she wasnt abusive or anything. For like 3 to 4 months, she listened, spent time with me, engaged in kink with me, gave me praises, aftercare and all. We went out and everything. I felt safe with her.

So fast forward, while paying 2 of her bills bought our time every week a little longer, she began to want to work on her own things (her business, working, her music) all these things. Seeing her and our dynamic declined, main thing for me was i wasnt getting aftercare anymore if we did have time together. Yes I was still paying for things but now id just send her the money for food, car stuff, nails, waxes, massages, pretty much most things she brought to me or id ask about cause I wanted to help. What she didn't know was that, I stopped alot of things for me so I could continue supporting her, i really just got the bare necessities for me. (Im a woman myself)

Soon i brought up the idea of going on a trip for my birthday which I invited her on cause I never gone on a trip outside the country. Again im paying for the whole thing, which i didn't have a problem with at the time. The problem was when she kicked out her roommate so that left her in a bind. So again, as the helpful little sub i am, seeing her stress about her rent, i said id help with a certain amount which was over half. My rent was due the same week, she told me one date and I thought that was the day to pay it turns out it was actually due 4 days before and the date she told me was the grace period time. So I ended up sending mine a little late and she got frustrated with it being late. So because I upset her I had to follow protocol, which was to give her an apology gift. My apology gift was next month's rent. I paid it. The next month she paid it.

The last 2 months of our dynamic, I told her I'd overwhelmed myself. She came up with the idea to make a spreadsheet of all of my promises to.her (financial promises) and I had to mark off everything I did..over half was already done. And I actually mistakenly thought I couldnt edit the sheet. Well the last 2 weeks of our dynamic her rent was due again, i had said id pay it. So I understand why that was on the list, but for me it was gonna be late again but not only hers, mine too. Both of our rents were gonna be late that month. I had done uber/lyft and other gig apps to keep up with the trip, her rent, my rent, her expenses along with my regular job and I finally burned out. She ended it with me because my word was "shaky" but she still wanted to go on the trip with me and oddly my birthday trip was on the list.

Ive been told i dodged a bullet but I dont know.

She did lose her apartment and I feel extremely bad about it to the point i wanna send her something as an apology. Yes it would be money.

I do know i couldve communicated more and been better on boundaries when I felt stressed about it (luckily I gotta a therapist to help now)

So i guess my question is, for findom is that normal?

Second, maybe its just from what I saw but it seems like alot of Dommes are findoms too, so how would I navigate that? (I dont wanna be a finsub anymore but I do want a domme again.. after I get over all this)

This will be my last edit to this post: I do remember her telling me that if i were a man, id be doing more. Paying more. Or how a stud (masculine woman) just gives the money no questions asked and she loved that..That was also odd

I started hooking up with a new FWB today. He is several years younger than me, in his 20s and I am 40f. When he first started flirting with me he was super confident and even a little cocky. I’m more shy. But as we talked more we opened up about kinks and fantasies and learned we both are into rougher stuff. He has a more dominant side and I am submissive. He has a very primal masculine energy when aroused which I am very attracted to.

As we talked more he confessed he’s never had the type of sex we talked about, but he really wanted to experience it, he was craving it. I mentioned deepthroating and he was very, very intrigued.

So today he came over and I sat him down and performed some of the best oral I’ve given in my life. I wasted no time getting him to the back of my throat. I mostly controlled the pace due to needing to breathe lol but I did let him hold/push my head a little when I could tell he was wanting a certain rhythm. Toward the end he sort of… growled? (idk it was sexy though) and he stood up and I let him thrust until he finished.

After we cleaned up he told me he’s never had anything like that in his life. Said I’m very talented, best oral he’s had, five stars, there may have been a high five? 🤣 he kissed me passionately. We laid in bed a while talking and he said “you know, that was almost degrading a little” but he said it in a light/joking manner. I said “for me or for you?” and he said “me. I felt small for a little while there. I could see that I wasn’t … but I don’t know how to explain it” (for context he’s a tall guy and is also well endowed) I told him I was sorry if I made him feel weird and he said not at all, he just didn’t know how to put it into words.

I didn’t want to push so I dropped it. But the comment has stuck with me ever since. Can anyone give some insight on what that may have meant? I am wondering if it has anything to do with me controlling things for the majority when he’s used to being in charge? We did not dive right in to the D/s roles, and I wonder if he expected that for the first encounter instead? I’m hoping it’s somehow positive, given his comments and behavior... I definitely don’t want to degrade someone unless they’re into it and ask for it!

I tend to overthink and get in my head, so I’d love some perspectives or opinions. Especially if any other guys/doms may have felt something similar before! Thanks

Update:
Not sure if anyone will see this but I thought I’d add it anyway!

We talked this morning and before I could even ask he explained. First he said he dreamt of it last night and woke up thinking of it, and told me I’ve got him fucked up. I asked in a good way or a bad way? He said the best way. He said he never expected me to be able to take the whole thing like that. So I asked if that’s what he meant yesterday and he said yes lol. And then he called me on his lunch break to tell me all the filthy things he will do to me later. So all is well. I appreciate everyone helping me process it and consider different perspectives!

Is it normal for them to be pushy about paying when you told them that you don't have money for it at the moment or for them to not be transparent that there is a contract that costs money?

All I was told was a few hours was 150. I was not made aware of a contract. Please. I am genuinely so stressed and on the verge of crying. I am freaking out.

To keep it simple. I [M30] had sex with a woman and then 24-48 hours later I had sex with another partner. The secondary partner had a UTI and blamed it on the fact that I had sex with the other person prior. This has been reported to the community and it has a strike against me because of it and I am not sure if I’m in the wrong here since this is my first experience with this ever happening.

To my knowledge when you have sex with someone the bacteria can get into my urethra but I thought after 24-48 hours I should be fine especially with my hygiene standards and peeing after sex to flush out bacteria.

I’m curious and I suppose looking for a bit of solidarity, but how does anyone else manage wanting a D/s dynamic but is also perpetually single? Or if you’re not single, how is the vetting pool for you?

Probably odd and confusing to ask but dating sucks, vetting for a dynamic is such a hassle sometimes because there’s so many wanna-be booktok daddys/dom/dommes. I work a really stressful job where I lead all day and handle things all day and after a long day and I come home, I just want to step out of my heels, sink to my knees and forget everything.

I am fulfilled in my life in other parts but it’s tough when everyone looks to me to handle everything and deep down I want someone else to take control. But the scene is just..oof. My last dynamic ended awfully but I’ve taken the time to heal since then and get myself back on a steady track.

I’m in an online group regarding kink/kink topics and I see a lot of posts of s-types losing their D-types and D-types leaving s-types, and some are happy and just wanting to share. I guess after everything I don’t want to feel like I’m just party-pooping (lol).

I (27F) am a switch, and earlier this year (January), I met a guy (30M) online who also identifies as a switch, though online he leans entirely into submission. This is my very first time taking on a Dominant role, and I’ve been trying to learn and grow as we move forward. We are entirely long-distance and have never met in person.

From the beginning, his desires have been intense. He craves extreme themes, particularly heavy degradation. But as I’ve stepped into this role, I’ve hit a massive psychological wall with him that is leaving me incredibly confused and hurt.

While he wants these extreme sexual scenarios, he completely refuses to be vulnerable or deep with me outside of the play. If I ask about his daily struggles, his life, or anything personal, he shuts down and barely shares a thing. He is deeply ashamed of his kinks, and even though I’ve tried to create a safe, judgment-free space to help him accept himself, he insists on keeping his identity entirely private—even though I have been completely open and transparent about my life with him.

It goes beyond just being private; he actively lied to me. He gave me a fake name, never sent photos of his face, and never shared anything about his real surroundings.

The turning point happened recently. I had given him my Instagram handle. After he looked at it, the IG algorithm actually suggested his real profile to me. Based on his posts, location, and specific details, I knew instantly it was him. (As a side note, I saw his photos and he is incredibly handsome/cute, which shocked me!).

I confronted him about it later in a very calm, understanding way. I told him I respected his privacy, explained it was a total accident of the algorithm, but admitted I was genuinely hurt that he had lied to me for months while constantly telling me how "safe" he felt with me.

His reaction was that he immediately blocked my Instagram and made his account private.

We are still talking, but the fundamental problem hasn't changed. I am still deeply hurt. He wants to do intimate, intense sexual stuff, but even though he knows I’ve already seen his face on IG, he still refuses to send photos on Snapchat (where we chat) or even send a simple voice message so I can hear his voice.

To me, a healthy D/s dynamic requires mutual trust, curiosity, and emotional intimacy—especially when exploring extreme kinks. It feels completely wrong that he wants me to dominate his highest sexual highs but treats me like a toxic secret in his real life. He wants an escape hatch, not a connection.

I don’t know if this is relevant or not, but I have tried having a Dom myself while having him as a sub, twice (neither lasted very long unfortunately) and I constantly compare myself as a sub to how my sub acts, and it makes me think he doesn’t care about me or want me enough.
Then I ask myself, why has he stayed with me and hasn’t gone to find another Domme?

As a first-time Domme, I'm really struggling. Am I wrong for wanting a deeper connection here? Is it normal for a sub to want heavy degradation but offer absolutely zero real-world vulnerability? How should I handle a sub who wants to keep a total double life?

TL;DR: First-time Domme (27F) online with long-distance sub (30M). He craves extreme degradation but lies about his identity, gives a fake name, and blocked my IG when the algorithm accidentally exposed his real profile. He still refuses to send face pics or voice notes. How do I handle a sub who wants extreme play but has zero emotional vulnerability?

Hello, I hope this is the right place. Background. I’m roleplaying with my dom, and I’m the roleplay im the dom. I replied which took me about an hour off and on (life happens) and she said she had to go to bed. Which ya I don’t mind at all, I’m glad she’s taking care of herself. But like take time I wrote something like 700 words she was amazed and this time she didn’t say anything abt it. I just feel like shit and I’m not sure why. Am I just not ment to be a dom? For reference I call myself a switch leaning sub because I can dom if someone would like me to. But then again I’m not sure why I feel this way.

Another thing is that I accidentally came a day or two ago so I ruined when i shouldn’t have even been edging in the first place. I’m just scared I fucked everything up. I know I should communicate this and I guess this is the first time I think this.

But anyways my question is, why do I feel off after doming?
(Sorry for formatting, typed on mobile)

Hi everyone, so I am new to this and am 25 and a cis male. Now I matched with someone on fet who is a domm and we seem to vibe well which is great and all, but there are some red flags and I am starting to think this isn't real or safe.

First red flag, went to telegram. Now there has been no mention of money at all and we have discussed limits and what not, but she also wants to meet at her house without having met first. I originally ignored this stupidly but I am starting not too. Their account is also now blocked by fet until she verifies which she hasn't done in a week or so now.

As nice as it would be to meet my first domm, this doesn't seem like how things should go. I have always heard people meet up for a few dates first especially since this all involves a lot of trust. My friends aren't really into this stuff so I am wanting to get opinions from people who are.

Sorry if this is a silly question.

Update: gonna ask about seeing in person and address the red flags. Thank you to those who commented, you have all been great and I hope you have a wonderful week