r/BDSMAdvice

Hi! I started dating a month ago. My boyfriend (29m) introduced me(27F)to his fetish of having his balls kicked, and I promised I wanted to try it. I've been in a past relationship where the fetish was stepping on the other person, but honestly, what made me happy in that situation was the brat x brat tamer relationship we had, not the act of stepping on them itself. In that Regarding the relationship, I wanted to find some way to try, because currently he holds my hand and asks me to try, but the idea of directly making a move on him is complicated for me, mentally and physically. However at the same time, i wanna try because pleasure is something made by both.Has anyone here been through this situation and has any advice, especially regarding the mental aspect? Does any position seem less aggressive or more pleasurable? Almost everything I find is from a male perspective, focusing on having their balls kicked, which doesn't help me filter things properly. Thank you very much!

I’ve recently started exploring BDSM, and there’s one kink that I’m curious about but don’t have much experience with: I like to feminize my female partner.

I am a straight male who had a partner that wanted to experiment a little. We talked a little about gender play and some dynamics, but we broke up for other reasons before we got too into it. But now I want to explore the idea more, as I really enjoyed the idea when I was with my ex. What is a safe way to experiment with this kink?

I’m open to a relationship again now, but I do want to know that a partner will be willing to try this with me. I’m unsure if I really want it to be forced feminization or if I prefer more of a willingness aspect. Like a d/s relationship where the sub is just trying to please.

How should I go about experiencing this idea as a single man? It would be nice to find likes and dislikes tin this kink even while single, but I don’t really know where to start? Are there any rules or general guidelines I should know?

I know that “forced” in BDSM only works when everyone has enthusiastically agreed to the roleplay beforehand. I plan to be clearly upfront with my partner about these interests.

I’m much more interested in learning how to approach this safely and respectfully than in jumping straight into a scene. Any advice or resources from people with experience would be appreciated.

Also this is a burner account so it can’t be connected to my account with personal information.

Hola!
Me and my partner have both wanted to delve into our branding kink for a while now where he would brand his initials on me. However we are struggling to find the best tools for this. It would be on the thigh and we were originally thinking sterilised craft wire bent into his initials but thought I’d come here and ask the wider community first!
Any advice and tips are greatly appreciated :)

My boyfriend (26m) and I (23f) have been dating for just under a year, and while he has always topped and i have always bottomed, we have never done anything particularly kinky nor has he ever put me into subspace.

The three things that I'm most concerned about are A. Transitioning from seeing my bf as just my bf, to seeing him as my bf and my dom/daddy. To me those feel like entirely different worlds, perhaps because I've never done it before. It feels much more natural/logical to me to start as a d/s dynamic and then branch that into a relationship as well, than the other way around. I do want to overcome this though, because I love my boyfriend very much and feel that in every other aspect of our relationship, we are perfect for each other.

B. I have more experience in being a submissive than he has in being a dom, but only barely. I have been in one rather brief dynamic before, but that person was alot older than me and had a ton of experience in being a dom, so I always felt very safe going into subspace and trusted that he could handle whatever reaction came out of me. My boyfriend has never been a dom before, and that makes me a bit apprehensive about his ability to lead a scene and handle me when I'm in a reduced mental state (to me that's what subspace feels like). I feel like I am rather new to being a sub as well, and as such I feel that I need a dom who is more experienced, not less. I also don't want to feel like I am teaching him how to be my dom, because that kinda ruins the idea of it for me.

C. I was the one who suggested exploring a dynamic, and while he is very interested in it as well, I phrased it as "a dynamic is something i need in a long term relationship" because well...thats the truth. For those of you who might be asking yourselves, well why wasn't this discussed when y'all were first dating/getting to know each other? That would be because while I've always known I was into being submissive, the realisation that I need a dynamic is something i have only realised in the past few weeks. Bearing all that in mind, I still want to go about this in a way that makes my bf feel safe/able to voice things if he realises that this isnt for him. I.e., i dont want him to feel like he's failing me or I'm going to break up with him if he doesn't end up liking/wanting this.

If any of y'all have: -Resources on learning to be a dom for my bf -Resources on learning to be a submissive for me -Resources on scene ideas/ elements of a dynamic that would be good for beginners to test the waters -Anything else y'all more experienced folks might recommend for us

Thanks and thanks again

Me (24F) and my boyfriend (33M) are medium distance. We are in a ddlg/bdsm relationship & have a 24/7 dynamic going on with rituals, rules and routine in our everyday lives. Last week was the first time I spent a longer period of time at his place, and while our entire kinky dynamic seems to work SPLENDID over distance, in person pretty much all of it fizzled out- it’s like we couldn’t find into our respective roles of princess & daddy even though we were intimate with each other, couldn’t keep our routine going and didn’t pull through with the rituals we actually wanted to integrate into our stay together. Is anyone familiar with this problem? How do we keep the spark alive?

I get really depressed after a session

I'm new to expressing my submissive side with a Dom. I've met someone online that I like and I know likes me. But we will never be in a real life relationship due to our different life responsibilities. This will always be online and not a LTR. The connection is new and we've had a couple of online/phone D/s sessions.

He's kind and very engaged in the moment. The problem is that I feel so vulnerable after a session. He will stay online and provide the aftercare I need. He checks on me and how I feel, and is so kind. I feel good when we hang up. But then, over the course of the day, I keep checking for a message from him, and he will be M.I.A. He might not respond to a message from me for hours, I get depressed and anxious during that time.

I think he might be putting space there so this doesn't resemble a relationship, or so I don't get attached. It's also possible that he got what he wanted and moved on for the day, and came back later when he was ready for more. it's also possible that he is catching up on the things that our sessions took him away from. Or maybe this is all normal for a dynamic outside of a romantic, committed, relationship. Sometimes I can see he's been on reddit, but he hasn't messaged me.

I get anxious and depressed, which suddenly disappears when I hear from him again. I think being submissive makes me feel vulnerable, and more prone to getting attached.

Is this normal?

Should I talk to him about it, and if so, how? Or should I try to distract myself and learn how to manage these feelings?

Maybe I'm not ready for this?

Maybe I should only be submissive in an official relationship.

How do people handle this?

If he gives me more attention afterward, how do I keep my brain from thinking I'm in a relationship? I find myself already getting attached.

(This is a repost from another sub bc I really need insight).

So, I think I have a military uniform kink or fetish from my ex. I don’t know when it started but now anytime I see anyone in a police vest, navy uniform, or combat boots I get wet and horny and want them to use me like a personal toy. I never told my ex he probably started this because I don’t think he would’ve bee into the fantasies I was having and currently having. Sometimes I can’t get off without thinking about being kicked and stepped on by a guy in full uniform or grinding against his boots or leg with him staring down at me and speaking to me in a tone that makes me squirm. I’ve told a few fantasies to a couple people and they’ve all told me I was weird or that it would make a relationship be cut short. Is being into military uniforms a bad thing?

not much experience, looking to be trained well how long did it take and how many sessions? without gagging

Hi everyone, is there any alternative to fetlife? Or App to meet kinky people? I use feeld, but its not very popular in my country.

A few years ago, I met a man online and we began talking outside of the roleplay environment where we first met. From the beginning, I told him I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship. I was processing trauma in therapy and was in a vulnerable place, although I didn’t share that until later.

What I needed was a casual D/s dynamic with someone experienced, honest and consistent, who could also be a friend, a lover and an important figure in my life, but not a boyfriend or partner. He spoke confidently about his background in BDSM. He told me he was married, but he frequently described his partner as sexually incompatible with his darker interests and said he wished she could have a boyfriend for her “romance and whimsy” while he had a submissive he could degrade. I believed that was the dynamic we were creating. I never wanted to replace his partner or become his girlfriend; I wanted an honest, casual D/s relationship built on trust, communication and mutual understanding.

In reality, the dynamic was extremely inconsistent. Sexual interactions were often followed by days or weeks of silence with little or no communication or aftercare. At other times he would return as though nothing had happened, and we would spend hours talking about music, work, films, games and everyday life. That friendship kept the connection alive and led me to believe I had finally found a Dominant who wasn’t emotionally absent or unable to communicate outside of a scene.
This pattern repeated for several years. More than once I ended contact because I believed the dynamic was over, only to reconnect later, something I now deeply regret.

By the end, I had already concluded that this wasn’t an ethical BDSM dynamic. When he suggested meeting in person in 2025, I took that seriously and began vetting him as I would any prospective Dominant. I asked about negotiation, consent, limits, risk awareness, aftercare, accountability and what responsibility meant to him as a Dominant. In my opinion, he did not measure up. His answers were vague, inconsistent, and focused far more on what he wanted than on the responsibilities of holding authority over another person. That process confirmed concerns that had been building for a long time.

I also want to be transparent about my own part in this. I knew he had a partner and I accept responsibility for choosing to remain involved despite that. During the final month, however, his behaviour changed dramatically. He became consistently present in a way he never had before and, based on what he told me (sleeping in his office, sharing custody arrangements for their child, and other details) I genuinely believed his relationship had ended.

Fast forward to last week. He abruptly cut contact, citing “logistical” issues because his partner had found out and saying it was “for the best.”

Looking back, I no longer believe this was an ethical D/s dynamic. It now appears to me that BDSM was used primarily as a framework for obtaining sexual gratification without the consistency, care, communication and accountability that ethical power exchange requires.

Does this read as an inexperienced Dominant, a negligent one, or someone who never intended to take on the responsibilities that come with dominance? I’d really value the perspective of experienced BDSM practitioners who might be able to shed light on what I’ve lived through. I’m equally open to hearing where I should have recognised the red flags sooner or approached things differently.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and reply.

My new BF want to bring dominated. He has made several requests. They're something I'm willing to do to plz him but he wants to be hit in his "balls" I'm so concerned about hurting him. I'm not sure if I should refuse... I'm embarrassed to even ask for advice but I'm not a guy n don't know the way this should be done. Frustrating to say the least

Me (31M) and my wife (31F) have been married for 6 years. We married as friends, and things were happy for the first few years. She's the first of five and has been independent since she got into university. She's used to be lead for her siblings and taking care of them.

Time to time, she goes into elder sister state when relating with me, and she apologizes mostly. And I also don't control her. And that's how it's been mostly, and I used to be fine with it. We had a lot of love. I mean a lot of love.
Now, I'm not sure if it's a fatigue from all these various instances, and I'm not trying to paint her bad in anyway, she's a very lovely person, the best.

But now, there's still love, but I've not been liking the elder sister persona wife, and also, even when she's not in that state, it still pictures like that. And I'm finding that I want her to be more submissive. She of course has a lot of dominant trait.
We've talked about it a few times, which I've only said this in style not plainly and directly. We've been unhappy, because I'm not showing as much love, because of how I'm feeling.
I would've told her directly, but I fear that she'll put in a lot of efforts and it might still not work, because like I said that's her personality. And then it'll be a lot of investment for her and no return. There is also the sexual relationship not really working out, but I'm more focused on the submission bit.

I'm booked to see a therapist, but wait time still 5 weeks left, I booked it over a month ago. But these past few weeks are just long.

I know my post might not have enough clarity, but that's how it is in my head. I'm happy to share more context or answer questions.

Hello all!

Recently I had an experience with a third where he sort of pinch & twisted my hip, and it hurt in a good way, but the next day I woke up with a bruise on my hip. I never realized it before, but I absolutely loved the feeling of walking around with a bruise on me, and my husband also loved to see it.

After having that experience, I am obsessed with it and want more, but I am curious if there are other effective ways to get bruises? I have had hubby slap my ass with his hand quite hard, but it gets to the point where it hurts too much before it gets to the point of bruising. Typically my ass would just be red for the next 10-15 minutes before fading.

Does anyone have any tips for how to create bruises that will last for a few days?

My partner (28m) and I (31f) have been together for three years, and we’ve always been relatively kinky, more than most couples I’d say. Light breeding, spanking, choking, etc. The sex is overall great and he is the most amazing partner, but I’m starting to worry that I crave a lot more than he can give me.

We’ve had a few conversations about what I want, which is basically to be completely dominated and used by him. Punishments, bondage, impact play, cnc, free use, etc. I fantasize about a dom/sub dynamic almost constantly. I’ve even told him that I would love to be collared/permanently marked in some way.

He is very open minded and has always been supportive when having these discussions, but I don’t think he’s taking it as seriously as I’m intending. After we have these conversations, he will try to do what I want, but the effort feels weak and I can tell he’s only doing it because I asked him to, when what I want is for him to want to do it, y’know?

Maybe I’m being to picky, and I should just be grateful for the fact that I have an amazing man who loves me. But I have this gnawing feeling that it will never be enough and I will always crave more. I also listen to a lot of Quinn audios and read smut to try and scratch the itch, but it feels like a bandaid solution.

Any advice on how I can talk to him (again) and try to make more of an impact? Or advice on satisfying my needs (without infidelity) would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, freaks 💕💕

hi everyone, wanting to start shibari what would be a good starting kit in terms of number, material, diameters and lengths of the ropes?

Not having to prep the ropes would also be a good thing, so if there are more “ready to play” solutions it would be appreciated.

My partner has downright begged me to be more dominant, but I’m not naturally dominant.

She wants me to throw her around and use her, but I realized I’m more into soft domming.

The type of domming that is a mind fuck for your partner. The type that makes them beg. The type that strips away their inhibitions and makes them reveal themselves.

My last post talks about it more, but I think I finally figured out how to be dominant with my partner psychologically.

Would anyone have any good resources on being psychologically dominant with your partner? Specifically when it comes to reducing inhibitions, basic training, and making it something a little bit more formal?

I think this is the spice we’ve been missing. And I’m excited to proceed. I’ve just always been a sub and went along with the flow so I never had to figure this stuff out myself.

Thanks for reading! Have a lovely day 🥰

Broke up with my long term partner and I suppressed my dominant side for a bit. I really want a man who can worship my feet and let me hit him or serve but I feel so out of practice. I have not spoken with a sub in a long while and I need help.

I’m a small woman and I prefer to dom men much larger than I am but I feel like I can never slap them hard enough. I’d like advice on how to resolve this and how I can use a mix of degradation and praise or activities/tasks for a male sub. I always felt like it was easier for me to handle a female sub but I have never actually handled a man. Any advice will do.

He was an excellent dude, but we wanted different things. I can't stop thinking that I'm not going to find someone who can provide the same safe and supportive role to allow me to explore my darkest kinks without fear of any kind.

Logically i know there are a lot of fellow CNC people out there and that he's not the only kind person out there that is worth trusting to that degree, physically. But I've never had anyone really supply that kind of diligent aftercare both physically AND emotionally, both in and out of the dynamic. He literally kissed tears off my face before, and I've never had that kind of emotional support in my life. I feel like that added element is making it so difficult for me right now.

How have my fellow subs coped with the end of a special dynamic? How do you provide aftercare for yourself after having someone to support you like that? How do you stop romanticizing the person when they didn't do anything wrong? I've never been so emotionally involved with a Dom before. I'm just so sad, even though I know I made the right choice for myself and my emotional well being. I just want someone to hold me and I don't know how to do that for myself. It's not like a sub drop, because there's no looking forward to the next meeting now to help me through it. I'm just so sad

Hi! I (19f) have just recently been researching my local scene, as someone who has been interested in it for some time. I really want to attend a munch or some kind of other social meetup so I can meet other likeminded people. (I’m not interested in any kind of sexual/romantic relationship, more just looking for friends with similar interests) however, it seems that whenever I check rsvps for these events, everyone is like 8-10 years older than me at the minimum. That really freaks me out tbh,
I’ve always gotten anxious around people older than me due to past traumas, and so looking for an event to go to has been kind of overwhelming. At one point I found a guy who was around my age, and messaged him asking if he was going to an event he said he was interested in. He basically jumped to warning me about possible shitty people, and told me I need to look out for myself (understandable) afterwards I asked him if he knew of other people around our age in the scene and I think he said he know 8 at most. Honestly that kind of freaked me out. I was already intimidated and now am lowkey even more nervous. He told me that older people in the scene (and femdoms lmfao) are typically nice so I shouldn’t worry too much but honestly I can’t help but feel a little uneasy. This is a community that I’m very interested in, and would love to go to events, however Im just very anxious (as you can probably tell) I just wanted to come on here and ask for any advice anyone would have to give about what to do next. I’ve been on this subreddit before and the ppl on here have given me very kind and good advice, so just thought I would hop on again ^^

(36F) I'm starting to doubt myself after talking to a few Doms (39-55M). I've been trying to find a play partner for just spanking / impact play but I can't seem to find anyone that accepts my hard limits. 

Basically the conversations went like this:

"Blood is a hard limit for me, I don't want any open wounds."

Their reply: 

"Of course we will stop if you safeword" (or similar)

Me:

"I'd rather not be forced to safeword, I'd like a promise that you won't make me bleed and if you do by accident then you stop right then even if I don't safeword at that point."

Them

"If you don't safeword then it's not really a limit for you"

Me

"I'm not mentally comfortable with the risks of open cuts. I don't want any infections and I don't want the hassle of taking care of the wounds after."

Them

"You're overthinking." / "That's not a valid concern - I can tend to you after" / "A hard limit is not just a preference"

I feel like I'm going crazy, I've had at least 5 conversations along those lines so far.

Is it not normal to play within comfortable boundaries?