Confused First-Time Domme: My sub wants extreme degradation but refuses any emotional vulnerability or trust. Advice?
I (27F) am a switch, and earlier this year (January), I met a guy (30M) online who also identifies as a switch, though online he leans entirely into submission. This is my very first time taking on a Dominant role, and I’ve been trying to learn and grow as we move forward. We are entirely long-distance and have never met in person.
From the beginning, his desires have been intense. He craves extreme themes, particularly heavy degradation. But as I’ve stepped into this role, I’ve hit a massive psychological wall with him that is leaving me incredibly confused and hurt.
While he wants these extreme sexual scenarios, he completely refuses to be vulnerable or deep with me outside of the play. If I ask about his daily struggles, his life, or anything personal, he shuts down and barely shares a thing. He is deeply ashamed of his kinks, and even though I’ve tried to create a safe, judgment-free space to help him accept himself, he insists on keeping his identity entirely private—even though I have been completely open and transparent about my life with him.
It goes beyond just being private; he actively lied to me. He gave me a fake name, never sent photos of his face, and never shared anything about his real surroundings.
The turning point happened recently. I had given him my Instagram handle. After he looked at it, the IG algorithm actually suggested his real profile to me. Based on his posts, location, and specific details, I knew instantly it was him. (As a side note, I saw his photos and he is incredibly handsome/cute, which shocked me!).
I confronted him about it later in a very calm, understanding way. I told him I respected his privacy, explained it was a total accident of the algorithm, but admitted I was genuinely hurt that he had lied to me for months while constantly telling me how "safe" he felt with me.
His reaction was that he immediately blocked my Instagram and made his account private.
We are still talking, but the fundamental problem hasn't changed. I am still deeply hurt. He wants to do intimate, intense sexual stuff, but even though he knows I’ve already seen his face on IG, he still refuses to send photos on Snapchat (where we chat) or even send a simple voice message so I can hear his voice.
To me, a healthy D/s dynamic requires mutual trust, curiosity, and emotional intimacy—especially when exploring extreme kinks. It feels completely wrong that he wants me to dominate his highest sexual highs but treats me like a toxic secret in his real life. He wants an escape hatch, not a connection.
I don’t know if this is relevant or not, but I have tried having a Dom myself while having him as a sub, twice (neither lasted very long unfortunately) and I constantly compare myself as a sub to how my sub acts, and it makes me think he doesn’t care about me or want me enough.
Then I ask myself, why has he stayed with me and hasn’t gone to find another Domme?
As a first-time Domme, I'm really struggling. Am I wrong for wanting a deeper connection here? Is it normal for a sub to want heavy degradation but offer absolutely zero real-world vulnerability? How should I handle a sub who wants to keep a total double life?
TL;DR: First-time Domme (27F) online with long-distance sub (30M). He craves extreme degradation but lies about his identity, gives a fake name, and blocked my IG when the algorithm accidentally exposed his real profile. He still refuses to send face pics or voice notes. How do I handle a sub who wants extreme play but has zero emotional vulnerability?