My boyfriend claims I misuse the safe word
Hello! I originally had this post on r/whatdoido and commenters told me to ask a bdsm subreddit!
I (19F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for over 2 years and is currently living together in our own apartment. When we first started dating we realized we were both into dominating foreplay and that no won’t always be a real no for us. So we established a safe word to be our absolute no.
In the beginning I only used the safe word a handful of times only for when I was in extreme pain. Though eventually I’ve started to say the safe word when being intimate became mentally and physically tiring and I want to stop or when I don’t want to do it at all and he’s trying to put it in, which has became more frequent lately. My boyfriend tends to go on for 20-40mins when he’s really into it and that’s a lot for me especially lately.
The past 3 times we were intimate he didn’t stop for the safe word and continued anyways. He would say how I’m not using it for the right reasons and how it’s only to be used for when I’m in pain. I told him I didn’t realize there was a bad reason to end intimacy and how I wouldn’t want to be intimate with him if he was uncomfortable and wasn’t in it. He told me that he has been uncomfortable before but “once he’s in it he’s in it”. I told him that the safe word was to be used to end intimacy and that I don’t feel comfortable doing intimate stuff with him if he truly didn’t want to do it and how I don’t want him to be intimate with me just because he thinks I want it. For some reason that made him very upset and said how I don’t understand how the safe word works and that intimacy is an act of service. He then followed that up with how he doesn’t want to have intimacy with me anymore or do anything intimate with me anymore.
I’m not too against not being intimate but I valued it since that’s the closest I can physically be to him.
UPDATE: Hello everyone! I listened to what everyone had to say and thank everyone for the advice. For more context, Me and my boyfriend are each others first so we’re still learning a lot of things.
Just to give more context to my Bf’s personality he truly is a sweet person. He’s quick to stop if he thinks I’m hurting and would adjust if need be. He checks up on me during intercourse and would tell me he loves me throughout. He always clean me up and would give water and aftercare every time. The discussion we had in the beginning was while we were cuddling. I showed him the comments and he freaked out and asked “if I truly didn’t want sex and if it felt like I was being forced upon during those moments?” I told him not technically, that I know if I was truly freaking out he would stop but that there should never be a case where it comes down to that since we have the safe word.
I told him I want sex to be enjoyable for the both of us and don’t want there to be a moment where I dread being close to you. I mentioned how I’m trusting him with the most vulnerable part of me and if I’m not comfortable and I want to stop, I’m trusting he’ll validate my feelings. I said when I say the safe word that means STOP and we can discuss his feelings afterwards. He hugged me and said he was sorry and how he was frustrated and felt guilty in the moment and took it out on me. We re-communicated our boundaries and I’ve forgiven him. Though I want to make clear that what my bf did was bad and not okay. I’ve chosen to give him grace because we’re both young and still figuring stuff out and the fact he doesn’t have a track record of dismissing my boundaries.