r/BoyDinnerDiaries

Had 5 friends coming over tonight and I ordered all this sushi ahead of time because we were supposed to chill, drink, hang out, whole thing.

About 40 minutes before everyone was supposed to get here my girlfriend starts getting pissed that I invited people over without making some big plan with her first. Which is weird because I told her about it days ago and she literally said it was fine.

Then she starts saying the apartment is a mess, that she doesn’t want people here, that I “never think about her” and somehow it turned into a full argument over like ten different things that had nothing to do with tonight.

At one point she said if my friends came over she was leaving and not coming back tonight. Mood was completely dead by then so I just canceled on everyone and told them something came up.

She grabbed her stuff and went to her friends place anyway.

So now I’m sitting here alone with enough sushi for a small wedding.

Great night.

Back in late 2022 a producer and I filmed the first movie script I wrote and it was my first time directing a film.

It’s a gay romantic farce instead of being romantic comedy, loosely based on the classic French play Cyrano de Bergerac.

We budget it at 100,000 and all told spent about 105k after reshoots, festival submissions fees, and so on.

The first 15k was a beer company buying product placement. The next 45k or so came from fundraising. The remaining 45k was a loan from the producer of 20k which I paid out monthly and is paid off. The last 25k was two frat brothers investing at 10k each and me paying the last 5k. The two frat brothers are the only people who haven’t been paid back yet.

We won best narrative feature which is like winning best picture at our first festival here in NYC. Thursday we had our second festival which was our NYC premiere. Next month we are in festivals in Chicago and Palm Springs, Quintana Roo in Mexico in November, and today I found out we got into a festival in LA.

I have been broke as fuck because of the movie for 4 years, and it’s gonna stay that way for a while as the travel and hotels for the festivals is EXPENSIVE.

But today I splurged and spent the last 10 in my account and treated myself to the Subway 5 dollar 6” sub of the day combo plus tip. The sub of the day was sweet onion teriyaki chicken, which is my least favorite at Subway, but it was what I could afford to celebrate with.

EDIT: while it scares the hell out of me to name the film, thus me losing my anonymity and opening myself up to homophobes review bombing the trailer and such: the movie is named Glitterbaited. You can see the trailer below:

https://youtu.be/qInNqEmPWZ8?is=vWbqHJCr7d6RtqN-

My boy Tom was his by a car last night. Found him this morning and buried him while sobbing uncontrollably.

He was a working cat. Lived outside 9 months a year to do pest control for my livestock feed.

Had problems with mice and rats, and he did his job to perfection.

He was butter in my arms. So much personality. So much love.

This sucks. Dinner will be beer and cigarettes sitting with My boy.

Edit

Thank you everyone so much. I want to post a picture of him in the comments but it won't let me unless it's a GIF.

He was a grey tabby, about a year old.

He was born here and he died here. I'll hug his brother and mother extra tight for him tonight.

Depression meal: reduced Polish ham from Tesco, £0.77. I had two packets.

My (30) girlfriend (26) has a couple of diagnosed mental disorders. OCD, ADHD and Anxiety. She's medicated but she still has bad days where she can become upset or angry and lash out verbally at me.

I am her first partner in her life and she loathes that I have had previous girlfriends and people that I've slept with. She accepts that this isn't my fault but I have to act like no previous encounter has ever happened. If ever a question comes up where the answer involves an ex or someone I've slept with, she gets angry at me for bringing it up. E.g., "Have you been to this restraunt before?" "Yeah once years ago with an old girlfriend" would be a death sentence.

At my univeraity graduation ceremony, I got one of those custom t shirts that they sell. It's custom to every ceremony so it has the University logo and year in the front, ceremony date and the names of all the graduates on the back. There's about 700 names, the font is tiny and impossible to find anyone without scanning for ages but my uni years were honestly the best of my life and I wanted to have this memorabilia for it.

One of the names on that t shirt, if you can scan long enough to find, is my ex. We had a mutual break up and never to this day had a bad thing to say about her. This was unacceptable to my GF to the point that she asked me to never wear it again. I figured I would just comply and hope I can talk her out of it another day.

About a week later, I wash it and go to hang it up when I noticed a hole has been cut in the back. A hole exactly where my ex's name was. Well, it would have but after washing it, the hole was made a little bigger so a few surrounding names have been devoured too. It couldn't have been an accident because I then notice on her desk, the very carefully cut out name of my ex by the scizzors.

She gave me no warning that this would happen, no "I'll cut your shirt up if you ever wear it again" or the like. She just did it when I wasn't looking.

It's been a few months since this happened and she's never mentioned it once. I'm probably not going to either. There's so much other shit like this going on in this relationship that I've already decided to break up soon when I pluck up the courage. I just feel a bit shitty that my t shirt is gone.

Dinner was steak tacos and diet coke

Update:
I canceled the plans we had with my friend and his new girl to talk face to face in private. If we do decide to end things, I’d also be able to grab my things I left at her place.

Original Post:
So, I’ve (M25) been seeing this girl (F29) for a few weeks now. We both got attached and intimate pretty fast, (all the way). But there’s this friend (F27) I have who is also a woman that she feels threatened and uncomfortable by. The only reason why she does is because over a year ago, we went out on a singular date when we first met. After that, it was mutual that we weren’t compatible. She asked if I’d be willing to stay friends with her and I accepted it. I just saw it as a thing people say when they are not romantically interested to be nice.

 

Fast forward to today, she actually meant it and became one of my closest friends with everything being platonic. Even on that one date, we never kissed nor hooked up. But new girl is uncomfortable with the existence of the friendship as a whole, and the fact that we’ve gone on one date a while ago. She’s constantly accusing me of caring more about my friend than her because I won’t cut her off. I’ve already made accommodations to her without being asked, such as not initiating conversations with my friend anymore and not hanging out one on one. New girl asked me to stop interacting with my friend's social media which I agreed to. But everything just comes back down to her wanting me to cut her off, yet I’ve reassured her many times that I do not want my friend romantically.

 

New girl has a lot of trauma with guys being friends with women, and I have trauma with being controlled told who I can be friends with while simultaneously being betrayed behind my back. I’ve expressed to new girl that neither of us are people from out past nor shouldn’t let past people’s actions dictate our current relationship.

 

I’m big on communication and want to be told if I did something that makes her uncomfortable. I’ll do what I can to help solve it. She took it as I’m going to comply with everything she asks/requests. There have been a couple times I did something she was uncomfortable with and I changed my behavior. She accused me of pretty much lying when I refused to cut off my friend and that me saying “my main thing is making sure you’re comfortable” was BS. I explained to her that this involves a third party and that this conflict is not only between us anymore. She took that literally and said it is just us discussing this right now and my friend isn’t present and that this IS between only us.

 

She then said something along the lines of “God I wish you’d fight for me as much as you’re clearly fighting for your friend.” I refused to keep talking about this while I’m at work and expressed that. She replied with “k glad you love your friend so much” and I left her on read. She actually just texted me again as I'm writing this after leaving her on read with "love how you don't deny that either lmfao. whatever, I'll leave u alone all day n see you later I guess".

 

But last night she also threw in my face “technically I’m still single” since I haven’t officially asked her to be my girlfriend yet. I have a cute little thing planned for when I ask her which she knows about, and I’ve expressed to her I do not want to just ask her like a bum since she deserves to be happy, surprised, and treated well.

 

Her best friend has also been communicating between us as well (which I feel so bad about getting her involved, but she texted me the spiral new girl is experiencing last night) but her friend sees both sides and has been on both sides but ultimately said knowing her friend (new girl), she won’t feel completely secure if I continue this friendship. She agrees we should sit down and talk in person too.

 

We are supposed to hang out with my friend and his new girl tonight and I offered to talk in person about this before we meet up with them instead of text where a lot of tone and emotion gets lost (I explained this to her as well) but she took it as I offered it because I didn’t want to nor does she see a reason to.

 

I don’t want to have to end it with her, especially because she already expressed concerns about people leaving after an argument/disagreement and I don’t want to feed that fear.

My life is improving I passed MEPS and I am moving forward with my army application. I at the lowest weight I ever been but I kinda sad I have no one the share my accomplishments. I live in rural Indiana so there aren’t a lot of gay people I could find and it’s kinda upsetting being alone.

Culver’s butter burger
Fries
And a Oreo concrete mixer.

Some Mexican beans and rice with Quesabirria tacos.
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

As the title states I met this woman on a dating app a year and a half ago, we hit it off immediately we had good chemistry. After a night of being very intimate she asked me why I don’t have children, in total confidence I opened up about my adverse childhood trauma that revolved around heavy physical abuse, corporal punishment sprinkled with animal abuse that was prevalent in my upbringing, and how all of that made it so that I don’t want to be a parent from fear of me passing on my unresolved childhood trauma on too my children. Well yesterday I get screenshots from my supervisor saying I’ve been posted on “are we dating the same guy” Facebook page, where I BELIEVE she made a fake profile and posted my pics with red flag emojis and then she went on her real profile to comment on the post going back and forth with herself saying things like “he sounds like he’s secretly a pedo” and then roping other random women into the conversation. This is not the first time she goes on a tirade about me on that fb page either she’s been doing this for about a year now posting me anytime I make any sort of dating acct. I have videos of her coming to home at like 2 AM banging on my door demanding to get inside, I’ve had to call the cops on her to get her removed from my front door. It’s rough out there fellas.

Scrambled tofu, impossible meat, and falafel in a flour tortilla

I served as a waiter at a really nice vegan restaurant in a big city 2–3 days/week. My main job is remote, and I'm on my computer all day, so it's a good way to improve my communication skills and get on my feet. I genuinely enjoy serving and try my best to be an honest, hard-working employee. I go out of my way to make everyone else's jobs easier, especially since I'm young and energetic, and a lot of my coworkers rely on this for their living, have kids, live stressful lives, etc.

My partner and I have decided to move away from the city to try someplace new, so this upcoming week was going to be my last (I gave my boss a very generous notice, of course).

This night, I seated a large party, and the bill was in the hundreds. They all loved me and gave generous tipper vibes. After they left, the check was nowhere to be found. Nobody knew where it went, and we even dug through the trash to make sure. Nothing. Keep in mind, it's only me and 1 other server, and the tips are pooled, so my poor coworker is also losing out on a lot of money.

When it's clear we can't find it, I go to the manager and say something like "I have to put the tip as 0% since the bill is missing, right?" To my surprise, they say "No, you can put whatever you think is right." At first, this sounded a bit unethical, but both my coworker and manager were essentially pressuring me not to put 0%, so I didn't. We decided on 20% since they were a large party, and I was supposed to add a mandatory gratuity in the first place but forgot. I realize now that this was irresponsible and immature of me. The pressure got to me, and it was very clear that these guests probably wouldn't even look at their bank statement, let alone fight the charges (assuming they even tipped less than 20% in the first place). Still not right, I know, but that was my thought process at the time.

A few days pass, and my boss, the owner of the restaurant, asks me what happened. I realize that if I tell her the true story, my manager and coworker may get in trouble. Meanwhile, I have like 2 or 3 days left to work before I leave. So, I decide to tell the story, but leave out the part where my manager and coworker actively tell me to leave a tip. I tell my boss that I informed the table of the automatic 20% large party charge when I handed them their bill (lie), but that they gave me their card without even looking at the bill (true). I essentially take full responsibility for the entire decision.

A day passes, and my boss responds, saying that this is a huge violation of their policies and that they refunded the table's tip, and I will not be receiving any of that money. They also say "[The Manager] explicitly told you not to add the 20% gratuity if the check was lost." Excuse me?? They, in fact, explicitly told me NOT to put 0% on the bill.

Despite my blood boiling, I decided to be the bigger man and still take the fall plus I apologize profusely. That manager was honestly a great person to work with. What they did here was super shitty, and I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and consider revealing the truth to my boss. I'm not even sure if it would make a difference at this point.

Although I wasn't technically fired, I wasn't scheduled to work my last week, which I consider being fired. Every boss I've ever had has adored me, and I've never been fired before, so I feel horrible. I know at the end of the day, this was all still my fault, but the lie that my manager told makes it sound like I deliberately disobeyed an order which is not my character at all. I was the one who pulled the trigger and put in the tip, but I would never have done it if they told me not to. I know it's just a dumb serving job in a city that I'll probably never live in again, but I've always been considered a great server, and this was a huge blow to my ego and morale. I was planning to serve in the new city that I'm moving to, but now I don't think I will.

I'm already halfway over it, but I feel I needed to write it all out somewhere. Thanks for listening to my rant.

TLDR: My restaurant manager convinced me to add a tip to a lost check and then told my boss that they explicitly told me not to. I went along with it and took the fall since I was leaving soon anyway.

Sweet pizza for dinner, boys.

I genuinely have no words to describe how utterly captivated I am by my girlfriend. There's a quote I like, and it goes "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." I've loved this quote for years, always wanting a love like this. And she said it to me.

She quoted it at me, saying its one of her favorites.. one that she based her entire view of love on.. all without knowing its been my inspiration for not giving up on love myself. I feel like that's when I knew.

She is the perfect woman in my eyes, shes so,, her. I know exactly who she is because she shows me in everything that she does. She's self assured but still loves being pampered, though she won't admit it, and id never make her.

I know the way she likes her coffee, her favorite spoon for her desserts, her favorite spot on the couch so she gets the right amount of afternoon lighting while she reads because she hates using the "big light." I don't think i could ever understand how her past partners could ever deny her the bare minimum of understanding her when shes as open as a book.

Before her, I have never, ever felt the need to get down on both knees and pray to any deity that wants to listen, to thank them for blessing me with her presence in my life, because she truly is an angel. She has saved me from so many things, and I want to build a life where she can thrive and enjoy life to the fullest.

The ring I have for her is one given to me by my mother, who got it from my late father. They got engaged, but never got to marry before he passed, and she gave it to me with the hopes that it would find a home on the finger of the woman for me. My girlfriend has always been a big romantic, so I hope the love behind the ring, along with all my affections for her, and the way i plan to ask, aid me in making this this her dream proposal come true.

I came out of a seven-year relationship.
Seven years is a long time to have someone woven into your everyday life. Someone to come home to, sleep beside, hug, lean against, or simply reach over and touch without having to think about it.
And then suddenly, that part of your life is gone.
I’ve discovered that loneliness isn’t necessarily about being alone. I work around people every day. I talk, laugh, joke and function perfectly normally.
But I miss having my person.
I miss someone’s arm around me. A hand on my back. Resting my head against someone. Being held for no particular reason.
I didn’t realise how much I missed it until something incredibly small happened at work.
A guy was being friendly with me and gave me a hug.
That was it.
There was nothing romantic or sexual about it. It was probably an insignificant moment in his day.
But I didn’t want it to end.
For those few seconds, another human being was holding me, and all I could think was, please don’t move yet.
Afterwards, it stayed with me.
Not because of him, but because I suddenly realised just how touch-starved I’d become.
And that’s where my dilemma begins.
Sometimes I browse dating and hookup apps. I scroll through profiles knowing I could message someone, arrange a date, maybe even find a casual hookup.
But I feel nothing.
Just apathy.
I don’t want casual sex. I don’t particularly want to date. Even the thought of getting to know someone intimately again — opening myself up, trusting someone and starting everything from the beginning — feels exhausting.
Yet I desperately want to be held.
That’s the contradiction I can’t seem to resolve.
My mind says, I don’t want to let another person in.
But another part of me is screaming, please, just hold me.
I don’t want sex. I don’t need it to lead anywhere. Sometimes I just want another person beside me, their arms around me, with nothing expected afterward.
After seven years, I think you forget how many tiny forms of intimacy become part of everyday life.
A goodnight kiss. A hand reaching for yours. An arm around you on the couch. Someone touching you as they walk past. Another person’s weight beside you in bed.
Then one day, all of those little things disappear.
Maybe that’s why I keep opening dating apps despite not actually wanting to meet anyone.
Maybe I’m not searching for another person.
Maybe I’m searching for a feeling.
Warmth. Safety. Familiarity. Human touch without expectation.
That hug at work lasted only a few seconds. He probably forgot about it almost immediately.
I haven’t.
Not because of who hugged me.
But because, for those few seconds, I remembered what it felt like not to be alone.
And now I’m stuck in this strange place where I don’t want another relationship, I don’t want a hookup, and I don’t feel ready to let someone into my life again.

But I still want to be held.

And some days, that loneliness hurts more than I know how to explain.

​When I met my girlfriend, I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. I weighed 575 pounds, and I was consumed by loneliness, sadness, and depression. Despite where I was mentally and physically, I fell in love with her from day one.

​The first 16 months of knowing each other were painful. She was not physically or romantically attracted to me, she's told me several times We would talk for weeks, but then she would hurt me and leave to be with her ex or someone else. Over a dozen times, I begged her not to push me away. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't want anyone else; I only wanted her.

​Six weeks after meeting her, I decided I was going to change my life and become the person she wanted. Over the next year, I lost 240 pounds. This past May, on her birthday, we officially got together, and she told me she loved me for the first time.

​Since then, our relationship has been great in many ways. But I am still haunted by flashbacks of how she treated me in the past—the lies, the insults, being told I was unattractive, and watching her choose other men over me time after time.

​I love her deeply, but I constantly battle trust issues and the fear that she might be talking to someone else. While she tries to ease my mind, she has also admitted that she feels the foundation of our relationship is too far damaged to ever fully recover—though she doesn't want to leave. Part of me wants to marry this woman, but another part of me is terrified, and I find myself constantly wishing she had never hurt me the way she did.

Vanilla protein ninja creami with sugar free caramel syrup.

Edit: Thanks bros and girl lurkers. Sincerely thank you. So many helpful comments. This sub is amazing.

Homemade scalloped potatoes.

I have a friend that I’ve known for almost 10 years. He is a bit older in his 60s. I’m in my 40s. He has always been single since I’ve known him and doesn’t have kids. I met him because I was the draftsman and designer for his home when he moved to my area from out of state.

I call him once a month and if he doesn’t answer I text him always trying to check in and get together. Over the last year he has been distant.

This morning his niece (out of town) called me and asked me to do a welfare check because no one could get in touch with him for two days. She knew I had a key to his house.

I found him on the garage floor with self inflicted cuts. He was responsive but combative. He told me he wanted to die and to leave him alone. He called me a terrible friend for never checking on him and he said I didn’t care about him and to let him die. I called 911.

I can’t shake this feeling that I’m a bad friend. We’re not super close but I helped him through Covid and have helped him with hospital visits. We’d go to lunch and auctions and just visit together sometimes.

Anyway.. Comfort food because I feel like a bad friend and I’m not sure how to process what happened.

Dinner: Panzanella with burrata

TL;DR: Guy makes friends with gal, he hugs her, she hates it, freezes guy out, friends no more, guy sad, but act like he don't care in public while slowly losing ability to believe that love is real for him and that community is just a fairy tale but trying to persevere and not lose hope. Guy's people are out there with open arms.

Earlier this year I(34m) developed a rapport and friendship with a coworker(30f). We work at a restaurant. I am a cook, she is front of house. It would start with light flirty banter, innocent and jokey. She would criticize my plating, I would tell her spend less time yapping and actually do something for a change. It was fun. I actually really loved having her there because she was good at her job and works hard. We would meet after work every now and again at a bar our other coworker worked at and we would party and dance and have a good time. The first night we bonded over similar childhood moments/same area/background. It was during one of these outings I met her husband. I was happy to meet him and everything carried on. We'd all meet up like once a month when out friend would DJ at the bar and have a good time, sometimes her husband came, he usually didn't. One night after a friend's birthday she gave me a ride home and we sat in her car for 4 hours just talking about life. We talked about why I was single(divorced, wife's infidelity) and her relationship problems(not happy in marriage, good guy but full to her), listened to songs that made us cry and talked about our feelings. It had been forever since I had a friend I could open up to and seemed like they cared. 

Over the next three months we would go the the farmers market severy times together. We'd exchange books in the hopes of reading them together. We'd get coffee. We'd sit in the park, paint, yap, and have a picnic. We'd talk about our workout routines and encourage each other. I was really feeling good about where we were. In a weird way, when we went out I just felt like one of the girls. All that changed.

One night we met up at the bar with some coworkers. I was letting loose a bit because it had been a while since I had gone out. I was having fun and I just out my arm around her waist and gave her a side hug and leaned my head on her shoulder(I'm 5'11 she's 6'2). She didn't say anything, just laughed and the night continued. I eventually had to get home, but there were loose plans of meeting up after I got home for cocktails or food. They didn't respond after so I shrugged it off and went to bed. They texted me the next day with a lighthearted response but that was it.       

Over the next three days she avoided me blatantly. By the fourth day I approached her and asked her is everything was okay. She told me I made her really uncomfortable at the bar that night and she just wanted to move past it. I was sad that me showing her affection made her uncomfortable, but I knew that wasn't as important as what my actions had done and what they made her feel. I apologized. She was very standoffish and didn't really want to talk anymore so I just apologized again and finished working. I waited couple days before texting her, asking if she would meet up to or coffee to talk about this. She said no. I just wanted to tell her it wasn't what she thought it was. That it was just a hug. That you can show someone you love them without it being sexual or romantic. That she was becoming my best friend and I felt safe around her. That if we had to talk about boundaries I was more than happy to, but to completely pretend I didn't exist until I asked why she was ignoring me was hurtful. We had hugged before so why now? I wanted to ask so many more things, but I couldn't degrade myself. You can't try to force people to care about you the way you want and closure is never what you hope it is. 

We don't talk anymore. We maybe say 2-3 words a week between us. I make sure the food is up so she doesn't have to ask for anything. I'm hurt, if I'm being honest. I guess I thought we were closer than she did. It sucks, but I've already gone through worse than this. It won't slow me down, but there is a part of it that still sticks with me. I don't have a lot of friends, so it was nice to feel like someone got you. It had been a while since I had a close girl friend and I missed it. But I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't want to be around me so our friendship ended abruptly. I did in fact find out she is getting divorced. I don't let on at work that I care, but I feel bad for her. Whether you want it or not it's never easy. But that's not my place anymore. I guess I just needed to let this out. Moving on and back to trying to be the best version of me.

​

I (m31) kinda had an episode last night. My partner ( f 33) has a few disturbing tendencies. The uncleanliness, lack of food protocol.. and the boogers.

When I moved in in '22 it was a lot for me to move into her house. I wanted neutral ground but we couldn't find a better deal while we save for a house. The house is pretty shoddy and that I can deal with. But it does bring its own problems. Im not the cleanest person. And we are both clutter people. This I accept, but clutter on top of clean surfaces please.

So, the boogers. She has a tendency to cough a lot of flem. We're both smokers. I find her loogies left in the sink, wiped on the walls, on furniture. She used to have a macabre Pollock spot above the bed where she'd leave them on the wall and bed stand. I've mentioned this a lot over the years. Oh, yeah and she plays with them. She will work them over in her fingers till they are a tight ball of sticky resin.

She has made improvements. She will use a paper towel to cough into and keep them. But now I can't clean the table of several napkins without fear of getting goobered. And she doesn't wipe them all over the house. Which Is like "DUH" but it is an improvement.

Last night as im making our dinners to bring into her I see one on the counter edge. I address it, stop myself from beating the dead horse and decide to instead focus on a rather large internal dilemma.

She grosses me out. I tell her that over the years I find it difficult to still be attracted to her when she puts next to zero effort into ever caring for herself or her looks. Does not seem to care the state of our kitchen or the bare minimum cleanliness of cooking surfaces. And the god damned boogers.

WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SHARE MY BED WITH A BOOGER NAPKIN

Plus yeah shes totally a hand eater and a hand feeder and I have to look at those fingers trying to put food in my mouth not knowing when they were last washed.

I display these grievances as delicately and yet objectively as I can. Later I reapproach to ensure her it was not an attack rather something I've been internalizing forever. She responds with that she's not one to call out anyone's bullshit so I should keep in mind that I annoy her too. Naturally I invite the criticism. Not only then but as it comes to her. Im a talker. I voice my emotions and opinions. She is not so open. I wish she was. We're engaged, have three dogs together, and are currently signing a house. Like? Dude. You should be able to articulate your thought to me. Im just supposed know what does and does not suit her at every turn I guess.

Anyway. I don't feel bad. I think I handled it well. And moving into our own home finally I will die on this hill before I resign to an annual scraping of the walls to clean booger spots.

Breakfast this morning is two Montego red 100's and two cups of Cafe Bustello from a French press

Omad: homemade flat bread with tandoori chicken (brined overnight) drizzeled with salsa and siracha and homemade cinnamon pound cake loaf.

Like therapy is some magical drug or miracle that'll solve all my issues, and either way I can't afford it or have health insurance

I've lost so interests in alot of things. Working out, playing video games, drawing, reading, music. I'm feeling Empty

Only thing that's good in my life and I look forward to is food, I'm glad I didn't loose my love for baking/cooking..

Last month I was about ready to give dating another significant break and be single for a while. I generally felt burnt out about the process of meeting new people, arranging first dates etc. The day I was going to delete the apps I matched with a woman. Even over text the chemistry was such a refreshingly different experience from anything I’d experienced prior. We ended up staying up until 3 in the morning texting off the app having exchanged phone numbers. Arranged a date for that Sunday. Met by chance at a concert we didn’t know we were both attending prior. Stayed at the venue chatting until security said it was time to leave. This was Wednesday ahead of the date.

We hung out impromptu two more times before our first official first date because we couldn’t get enough of each other. Fast forward less than a full month and we’ve already exchanged “I love you’s.” I confessed when I said it the first time that it felt way too soon, I felt crazy. She said it right back with zero hesitation and that our initial agreement to take things slow was out the window and we couldn’t be happier.

I do not remember the last time I felt butterflies like this. I told my friends and family about her and they all said it was good to see me happy.

I love her so much and I’m so glad we found each other. I’m conscious of the honeymoon phase and infatuation having experienced them both before. I’m reminding myself to keep up my relationships with friends, family, hobbies etc as I don’t have any interest in either of us becoming each others “everything.” We’ve spoken openly about the importance of having lives of our own. Yet another green flag of hers is how easy it is to be vulnerable and speak plainly about important things on our minds.

TLDR: was ready to stop dating. Found a person I’m pretty sure I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I cooked dinner. Coconut rice, stir fried red cabbage, bell peppers, zucchini, onions, garlic, ginger, with leftover sauce from homemade bibimbap. Ground chicken for some protein. Diet orange soda to drink.

My wife told me about 5 weeks ago (EDIT: realizing now it’s been over 7 weeks) that she no longer wants to work on us. She’s done, and would be doing herself a disservice to continue in our relationship.

May made 7 years. We share a 4 year old daughter, and an 11 year old daughter from her previous marriage.

I know I’m a good dad. I show up every day for my kids. I help them regulate their emotions, I teach them, I hold them, I tell them I love them and I’m proud of them every day.
I know I’m a good “partner” in the sense that I am present for my family in the easy ways. I don’t go out often, I clean daily, I keep up with laundry, I do the yard work, I make improvements to our house, I fix things when they break, I make intentional, nourishing meals for everyone, i help with baths, and bedtime, and home work. I go to work everyday and pay bills. I never shy away from any responsibility in that sense.

But when my wife has told me for over a year that she needs me to be present with her I’ve brushed it off. After dealing with the day to day that feels never ending, I fade away into avoidance at night. Our sex life has taken a hit because of that, and she’s told me it bothers her. I make attempts when she brings it up that she has been needing me, but then I fall back into avoidance. I go into a dark space and I don’t come back for weeks.
Instead of listening to her pain, I took it as an attack that I had to defend myself from. Instead of wanting to heal her hurt, I protected my ego.

It’s taken me a long time to truly recognize my patterns, and to admit my faults, and I feel like I can see clearly now. The problem is, now that I can recognize it and I’m making the effort to put in the care that she needs, I’ve already pushed her away. I don’t blame her, realistically she shouldn’t stay. I just wish I could’ve recognized sooner. I wish I would’ve listened to her cries for help.
Now I’m sitting with the pain of knowing I ruined a great thing. I’ve caused yet another broken home. I’m losing my daughter who I told “No matter what, I will never leave” when she was struggling with her bio dad being in and out, and bringing “step moms” in and out continuously.
My 4 year old will more than likely not remember her parents being together, and will have to navigate stupid shared holidays, birthdays, and events just like her sister has to. It’s fucked.

On July 7th she went out to the bar, hung out with a mutual friend (my barber) and ended up going home with him. She lied to me about what was going on, turned off her location, and shut off her phone. She came home the next morning at 6:30 to get ready to work. Said she got too drunk, she talked about our failing relationship, he offered her a place to stay, and all they did was kiss. I do believe her (I think) that that’s all that happened, but it’s hard not to imagine it was more than that. The sexual side sucks to think about, but sucks more to think about the fact that she felt the need to confide in another man about our failing relationship.

We spent the rest of the month in the same house together, me doing the dumb thing and begging her to let me prove myself, I can be better, blah blah blah. She didn’t believe a word, which I get, but it felt real to me. And her pushing me aside, continuing to go out to the bar with my barber, and being a brick wall to me. On one of the days she was at the bar (which is the bar I used to manage) my old employee texted me asking if my wife was on a date. A bit of conversation later and opening up to the old employee about the situation, she got “comforting” and somewhat flirtatious with me, and I went with it. It was dumb, and a few texts into it I felt pretty gross about it and quit replying. Conversation stopped there. On the 29th of July my wife went through my watch while I was sleeping on the couch, saw the messages and took it as evidence that I had been cheating on her for our entire marriage.
At this point she had already signed the lease for her new house, just hadn’t put anything there. She left after confronting me, and said she was staying at the new house.
The next day she came home, we told the kids that “mom and dad got a new house, moms gonna stay at the new one for a while, and dad will stay at this one” the 11 year old was given a bit more information, but that’s still what the 4 year old knows. Her brother and dad arrived shortly after, helped her hastily pack up and haul most of her things off.

Since then we’ve continued to talk almost daily, but few and far between conversations. We spent my birthday on the 7th together, she and the kids gave me very thoughtful gifts, we went out to a nice dinner, we shared affection and love. The day after that she said “I was drunk last night. Sorry. I cannot handle this situation we are in.
I'm glad you had a good birthday and I really tried to put you first.
I think we need to distance talking. You fuck with my head.
None of this makes sense. I just want it to end. “

Last weekend I stayed at her house with her and the kids, slept with her, had better intimacy multiple times, better than the past few years combined. Shared lots of deep conversations with what seemed like true connection, and on Monday she quit responding, told me she can’t “keep the door open for me anymore, I have to distance from this” and has been cold since.

Tonight she’s back at the bar with him.

At this point I feel like I’m going crazy.

So I’m in the process of discerning seminary to become a priest, and at our last meeting he mentioned that I’ll need to pass a general medical exam to make sure I’m in good health before I can be approved for seminary. I realized that this means the bishop and my discernment commit might find out I’m intersex depending on how in depth the exam is, and how much detail they provide to the committee. I think it’s important for me to tell him ahead of time that it might come up. I don’t think it’ll hurt my chances, but if there’s a chance it’s going to come up, he should be prepared.

I know that he will be nothing but supportive and kind to me, and a wonderful ally, but it’s still stressful. I’m just really sick of my body being everyone’s business. It shouldn’t matter unless you’re my doctor or someone I’m sleeping with, but since the world we live in is so obsessed with what genitals everyone has, I have to tell extremely private details to people in a way that perisex people never do.

Again, my priest is a wonderful man who I would trust with my life. He’s extremely supportive of my genderqueer roommate who is also discerning seminary, and he already knows I’m gay and it’s always been no big deal. I just really wish I had the same level of privacy about my body as everyone else.

Just venting, but comments welcome

I left my wife about a year and a half ago. In the 11 years we were married, she yelled at me regularly. Any time I asked how she thought I felt, she'd shrug and say "I don't know. I'm not a mind reader." We went to couples therapy. The therapist said that my feelings are my business and I have to do a better job of understanding her triggers. She constantly put down my job, hers was more important (I am a college track coach and she is a professor. She didn't finish the PhD until 7 years into our marriage and didn't get a full time job for another 4 years after that).

I switched schools in an effort to be in an area with more schools, hoping she'd find something. A year later, she got a job in another state entirely. I was supposed to quit. My mother had heart surgery: "I don't know what you want me to say." I was living with my parents, paying the mortgage on a house i wasnt living in, and she got a 3 bedroom house for myself. She started to complain when I wanted to take my dog because she'd be alone. This doesn't even get into sex 3 times in 11 years of marriage. Whenever there was a sex scene in a movie, she'd scream "eww, i dont want to see that". Do I need to mention there was no physical contact.

So I got out. And I haven't regretted it for a second. But I miss my dog so much. I'll never see her again. I lived with my parents for another year, and now, at 42 years old, i'm living by myself for the first time. And i'm still afraid about doing things that will get me yelled at. I'm embarrassed about money (because I never made enough), i don't have friends (because hanging out with anyone besides your gf/spouse was stupid), i feel guilty when I jerk off (because ewww, sex is gross). My social life is my parents. I'm broke, because I was never allowed to have a savings account, so I used everything I had paying for my lawyer, and now just rent and utilities (seriously, why the hell is the south so hot?!). Meeting people is so hard when i can't afford to go out. I just feel stuck and like my life is going nowhere. I gave her everything about me and now I don't even know who I am. Its just me in a 1 bedroom apartment watching the Phillies do their level best to collapse another season. I don't even know how this happened. I tried. All I did was try to get someone to love me.

Oh yea, the food is a bacon and egg cheeseburger (do no recommend if you're a bearded man. That was rough) and dill seasoned fries (overcooked).

(Boy Dinner is meal prepped sweet potato and Italian seasoned grilled chicken)

About 6 months ago my Ex-Fiancée left me for my coworker. It was an awful night, I begged her to choose me and to put this guy behind her for me and for the sake of our son. She ultimately chose him over me. I remember the weight of the engagement ring in my hand after she gave it to me before driving off in one of my vehicles to be with him. I am just getting around to finally selling the thing but it has been a hellish path to get here.

For starters, I was the primary provider and I was helping her take care of her grandfather who we were living with for the last 10 years. We were teen parents so our entire relationship was tumultuous and we had built our lives around each other. Of course as soon as she left me I immediately had to move in with my parents which is never an easy thing to do after being a provider for so long. I also immediately outed my coworker as a home wrecker and my company let him go in place of me. I won’t lie though it stung that I felt trapped where I worked after my ex-fiancé’s new boyfriend turned around and found a better paying job than me because despite firing him my boss wrote him a very cushy letter of recommendation. As of today I am finishing my last two weeks of this job as I cracked under the pressure of a difficult job with an extra long commute and the constant reminders of my exes infidelity. To say I feel like I have lost everything would be an understatement, I am about to be unemployed living at home with my parents after carrying a family on my back for many years.

I wish that the circumstances of my life were the hardest part but it really isn’t. My ex has not left me alone since this separation, whenever you share a kid some contact is expected but she won’t let me forget her. For example almost every time we are alone in person she starts doing sexual things to entice me and she will make empty promises of getting back together. She will do these things and then threaten to not allow me access to my son if I expose her behaviors to her new boyfriend. This has been excruciating as I have had low self esteem most of my life and I did manage to forgive her for cheating on me multiple times throughout our previous 10 years together. So every time she has made these empty promises I have dropped any relationships I was pursuing and my dignity to try to win her back all with the same conclusion. I know it’s pathetic but she makes me laugh and nothing would make me happier than my son having both of his parents living under the same roof. I know it’s impossible now but that’s why I have finally given myself permission to move on from the job that allowed me to be close to her so I can pursue a future without her.

I guess there really isn’t much of a point to this rant other than to ask, does it get better? She was the first person I ever truly loved and it’s so hard to put that behind me. I know I deserve better and I deserve to be happy however it’s so hard whenever you are all alone. My friends have grown distant and my parents while sympathetic can’t actually understand my life and what I am going through. Trying to make forward progress while feeling so utterly alone, unchosen, and forsaken is so hard. I just thought that after 6 months that I would feel better and like myself again, I don’t know how I ended up at an even darker place than I started. I am hoping that after putting another piece of this chapter of my life behind me I will be able to be hopeful for the future. I just know I have to be here for my son, so I will fight on because my role in his life is too important to give up on.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask questions, I’m quite depressed though so responses may be slow!