My wife left me
My wife told me about 5 weeks ago (EDIT: realizing now it’s been over 7 weeks) that she no longer wants to work on us. She’s done, and would be doing herself a disservice to continue in our relationship.
May made 7 years. We share a 4 year old daughter, and an 11 year old daughter from her previous marriage.
I know I’m a good dad. I show up every day for my kids. I help them regulate their emotions, I teach them, I hold them, I tell them I love them and I’m proud of them every day.
I know I’m a good “partner” in the sense that I am present for my family in the easy ways. I don’t go out often, I clean daily, I keep up with laundry, I do the yard work, I make improvements to our house, I fix things when they break, I make intentional, nourishing meals for everyone, i help with baths, and bedtime, and home work. I go to work everyday and pay bills. I never shy away from any responsibility in that sense.
But when my wife has told me for over a year that she needs me to be present with her I’ve brushed it off. After dealing with the day to day that feels never ending, I fade away into avoidance at night. Our sex life has taken a hit because of that, and she’s told me it bothers her. I make attempts when she brings it up that she has been needing me, but then I fall back into avoidance. I go into a dark space and I don’t come back for weeks.
Instead of listening to her pain, I took it as an attack that I had to defend myself from. Instead of wanting to heal her hurt, I protected my ego.
It’s taken me a long time to truly recognize my patterns, and to admit my faults, and I feel like I can see clearly now. The problem is, now that I can recognize it and I’m making the effort to put in the care that she needs, I’ve already pushed her away. I don’t blame her, realistically she shouldn’t stay. I just wish I could’ve recognized sooner. I wish I would’ve listened to her cries for help.
Now I’m sitting with the pain of knowing I ruined a great thing. I’ve caused yet another broken home. I’m losing my daughter who I told “No matter what, I will never leave” when she was struggling with her bio dad being in and out, and bringing “step moms” in and out continuously.
My 4 year old will more than likely not remember her parents being together, and will have to navigate stupid shared holidays, birthdays, and events just like her sister has to. It’s fucked.
On July 7th she went out to the bar, hung out with a mutual friend (my barber) and ended up going home with him. She lied to me about what was going on, turned off her location, and shut off her phone. She came home the next morning at 6:30 to get ready to work. Said she got too drunk, she talked about our failing relationship, he offered her a place to stay, and all they did was kiss. I do believe her (I think) that that’s all that happened, but it’s hard not to imagine it was more than that. The sexual side sucks to think about, but sucks more to think about the fact that she felt the need to confide in another man about our failing relationship.
We spent the rest of the month in the same house together, me doing the dumb thing and begging her to let me prove myself, I can be better, blah blah blah. She didn’t believe a word, which I get, but it felt real to me. And her pushing me aside, continuing to go out to the bar with my barber, and being a brick wall to me. On one of the days she was at the bar (which is the bar I used to manage) my old employee texted me asking if my wife was on a date. A bit of conversation later and opening up to the old employee about the situation, she got “comforting” and somewhat flirtatious with me, and I went with it. It was dumb, and a few texts into it I felt pretty gross about it and quit replying. Conversation stopped there. On the 29th of July my wife went through my watch while I was sleeping on the couch, saw the messages and took it as evidence that I had been cheating on her for our entire marriage.
At this point she had already signed the lease for her new house, just hadn’t put anything there. She left after confronting me, and said she was staying at the new house.
The next day she came home, we told the kids that “mom and dad got a new house, moms gonna stay at the new one for a while, and dad will stay at this one” the 11 year old was given a bit more information, but that’s still what the 4 year old knows. Her brother and dad arrived shortly after, helped her hastily pack up and haul most of her things off.
Since then we’ve continued to talk almost daily, but few and far between conversations. We spent my birthday on the 7th together, she and the kids gave me very thoughtful gifts, we went out to a nice dinner, we shared affection and love. The day after that she said “I was drunk last night. Sorry. I cannot handle this situation we are in.
I'm glad you had a good birthday and I really tried to put you first.
I think we need to distance talking. You fuck with my head.
None of this makes sense. I just want it to end. “
Last weekend I stayed at her house with her and the kids, slept with her, had better intimacy multiple times, better than the past few years combined. Shared lots of deep conversations with what seemed like true connection, and on Monday she quit responding, told me she can’t “keep the door open for me anymore, I have to distance from this” and has been cold since.
Tonight she’s back at the bar with him.
At this point I feel like I’m going crazy.