r/daddit

Anyone who’s:
- Fit (does sport or exercises multiple times per week)
- Healthy (eats well, sleeps well, etc)
- Works (assuming around 8 hours per day)
- Loving relationships with partners and kids
- House is not such a mess all the time
- Sees friends

Apart from:
- Stacking and integrating all those activities together
- Delegating or outsourcing work to friends, family members, or vendors (whether that’s baby sitting, chores, etc)
- Automating a shit ton

How do you balance it all and make it work?

Curious to hear from people who have achieved this and can talk about it.

Bonus points when it applies to people with babies + toddlers with both parents working.

My hunch is that it’s freaking hard and requires constant experimentation because kids change so fast and what might work at some point won’t later.

My partner and I are 34. We live in France.

We have one son, he is soon to be 2 years old.

We spent the pregnancy and first 6 months of his life 30 minutes away from my parents. They sucked. We barely saw them. Always an excuse. No help. Huge arguments over my dad's smoking and smelling of smoke when visiting. Ended in a blow up, them calling me precious and entitled, and us not speaking for a year.

We left, and spent nearly a year living 30 minutes away from my partner's parents. We saw them once per week for like 20 minutes, and they'd take our son on Saturday's from 9 to 5, probably twice per month. We were drowning in a small apartment near Paris to be close to them, extremely high rent, and decided it wasn't worth it.

Today, we live 1.5h from my parents, and 4h from her parents.

Her mum has a week long vacation. She is always saying how she doesn't see her grandson enough. I offered to pay for the train (1.5h trip, first class), and to make up the guest room lovely for her, so she can come down for the week.

"Sorry, can't, I have a chiropractor appointment midweek" - you can get same day chiropractor appointments in France... but I digress. So they want to come Friday to Sunday, and for us to go to the Zoo and the Beach. Great, more stuff to do. No help. No taking a load off.

My parents asked for another chance, I said ok. Last week they came to see us for a few hours, was ok. I said sure this can be a weekly thing. But their life choices have led to them having poor health at 55 years old. So this week they've cancelled, and I doubt we'll see them for a good month or two now due to my dad's back acting up.

And then I speak with my best mates... their kids are practically raised by the grandparents who never fail to step up... I'm gutted. My partner and I wanted 3 kids. We can barely manage one, especially now with cost of living creeping up leading to my partner probably having to consider a return to work.

Am I alone? Childcare is a bitch we've got 2 days per week costs us 600 EUR per month... They don't have capacity for more.

I'm honestly considering moving the family to Thailand just to have helpers so we can have the 3 kids we always dreamt of... is that bad?

Edit: Didn't expect this post to blow up so much, thanks for all the comments, can't answer them all as either my work, my partner, or my toddler will kill me 🤯

My middle kid has her very first loose tooth. We are pretty working class or middle class but we do 20 bucks a tooth. It made met curious what other Dads do per tooth. I’m 38 and as a kid I got 50 cents to a dollar and my wife says I’m giving too much money for a tooth. What are you guys giving out?

Dads,

This is part vent and part earnest request for advice, so bear with me:

My wife and I moved to a semi-rural area about 1.5 hours from a major East Coast city about 2 years ago. Our son had just turned 1 at the time and we’ve since added another boy who is 5 months. As we integrate into the community (a mix of longtime residents and newer arrivals - mostly remote or hybrid workers), we’ve obviously made an effort to meet other parents and build a village, as they say.

I notice a very distinct pattern among parents that we meet and sometimes try to hang out with: outgoing, sweet-as-pie Mom and extreme introvert dad. Looks miserable, can’t get a word out of him, hanging out is basically the equivalent of staring at drywall for 3 hours. Obviously wives will talk to each other largely so I get stuck with these guys and frankly it sucks.

There is probably some cultural influence at play but I find it pretty easy to make basic small talk about the area, where we’re from, our experiences as dads, taking care of our new country properties, etc…it’s fine if we don’t have anything actually in common but let’s make the best of the situation. I get it’s very likely not about me but fuck…it’s just legitimately rude in a lot of cases. I end up just playing with my toddler who apparently has better conversation skills than these guys.

I know there are probably dads that lean more introverted on here - what can I do to help these guys loosen up or feel more comfortable? Just trying to make the best of these interactions, not turn them into lifelong friends.

So today I took off work to catch up on some house chores and errands I had to run, my daughter (3) went to Pre school for the morning. I felt a little guilty but justified it that I had to get the house work done and would be too distracted if she were home. I told her I'd pick her up early and we'd go the playground.

The house work took longer than expected , then by the time I ran to the bank and everything else I had to do I was way behind , and I also told my wife I'd make sure to have dinner ready when she got in. Picked my daughter up, and immediately she asked about playground , I told her unfortunately we didn't have time , because we still had a couple errands to run and she was so sad. I felt like a failure , all these thought running in my head. Why did I prioritize everything over her. The usual as I'm sure most of you have felt at some time.

We got home , I was tryna cook and she asked me to play with her. Again I said I couldn't, and this upset her more. Again I felt like a shitty dad, for fobbing her off. Everything was just piling on and piling on.

I then thought maybe I could distract her by getting her to help cook. She's got some KiddiKutter knifes so I got her to dice me up some peppers (or at least try lol)

She didn't look like she was enjoying this activity, which made me feel worse because I thought she'd rather be bored and with me than off playing with toys. So I felt like all she really wanted was me, and I couldn't provide that at that time.

Then Wife gets home and child just lights up, telling her all about how we had the best "road trip" ever , how we saw a dog at the store , how daddy let her help cook and everything. She was explaining what I felt miserable about , as it were the best day she's ever had.

I wanted to share it here to say Hey dad's , when you think you're doing everything wrong , just take a second to ask the kids their perspective.... It could change everything ♥️

Hey r/daddit I tried to search for this but didn't see any recent posts. However my grandmother passed away this week and we have the funeral on Friday. I have 2 boys, 9 and 12 years old. We have been very fortunate with our families with great grandparents and great aunts/uncles being a big part of their lives but the past year has been pretty rough. Late last year my wife lost her grandfather, a couple months ago I lost my great aunt, a couple weeks ago she also lost her great aunt, and around the same time my parents dog died, (I'm not comparing pets to people but the youngest son grew up with this dog so it was a big hit for him.) and then Monday my grandmother passed.

All of these deaths and resulting services have pretty low key, cremation services or celebrations of life that tried to bring joy and life into a terrible time. However my grandmother's service is planned to be an old fashioned 2 hour visitation with an open casket followed by a burial at the cemetery.

I understand every child is different and maturity levels vary greatly, but looking to get the hive minds thoughts. Is 9 too young to bring to an funeral like this? I want my son to be able to say goodbye but don't want to traumatize him in the process.

A little baseball crossover for everyone. . . As someone said on that post, it’s an unfortunate framing as it invites or implies a “correct” move.

There’s no way I would have missed my daughter’s birth. There’s also no way a 5’11” chubby, slow guy who topped out at 60 something mph in high school had a chance to get to the big leagues. The equivalent for me would be missing birth to be present for a big pitch which well. No way.

I have paid more attention to some MLB dads talking about how much it means being a dad and a baseball player. Shohei was going through it earlier this year, Freddie freeman had another kid and spoke nicely about being a dad, and Justin verlander’s last press conference was all about his daughter.

Me and wife's worst nightmare is that our daughter is at school after packup and we cant make it on time. My daughter started school about 2 to 3 months ago and mostlyyy i take her on the cargo bike. Takes around 5 to 8 minutes.

Theres a boy in her class who lives on our street. his mum walks him every day. One morning we were all heading out at the same time and he asked if he could ride with us. His mum looked at me like is there room?? because hes a bit bigger than my daughter and my daughter was already sitting on child seat so there wasntt much room.

Theres a cushion next to the seat on the rear rack so i said lets try it. He climbed on and put his feet on the footrests and he started waving bye bye to his mom lol. I told his mother I could take him if it was okay with him. So she agreed.

Now it happened a month ago. But now whenever we see them in the morning he gives his mum the look and she just goes fine go. happens a few times a week.

But I like that I got to know them because now its become a two way thing. His mum picks both kids up on afternoons when me and my wife cant make it…and we take her son on mornings when shes running behind or has an early appointment. Also since she is a single mom so we really feel happy for making a difference.

Last week my wife had a work emergency and i was stuck in traffic. I texted his mum and she had both kids home and fed by the time i got there. I nearly cried in the car mann. Knowing someone else has your kid and you trust them is huge.

I'm struggling right now. My wife and I have a toddler who is 2 years 8 months old. He was always such a good baby and good boy, funny and a joy to be around. About 2 months ago something changed and it seems like absolutely everything is a fight with him. Ask him to do something it's a scream "NO!". Tell him I'm doing something "no you aren't!". Try to do bath time with him which him and I have always done, screams at my for mommy. Hits me, bites objects in anger.

Tonight teeth brushing was a massive battle ended in him throwing the tooth brush across the room screaming bloody murder. Take him to his room fights getting his PJs on screaming thrashing around hitting me hitting mom. Me and my wife are both remaining calm. She is more of the gentle parenting mindset, which I'm not fully sold on but I'm doing my best to remain calm in these situations. I haven't always, I was on incorrect medication last year and had some temper tantrums of my own and am worried I've caused all this.

Back to tonight I'm trying to get his pj pants on he's fighting me I felt myself getting really mad and my wife caught it and said she could handle it. I walked outside picked up a object and threw it at my house damaging my vinyl siding. I can't do this anymore he has been absolutely miserable to be around. We do everything for him take him fun places, let him play and enjoy life when he is happy but as soon as something switches in him absolutely nothing makes him happy.

I'm debating making an appointment with our family dr to discuss it but my worry is she will laugh and say welcome to the terrible twos. I'm just worried something medically could be wrong? He is a very picky eater could he be nutrient deficient? I have had my own anger issues (never physical just get angry and loud) and I'm worried its all my fault. I don't know what else to do but ask for advice here.

So my kids are a rambunctious bunch, they got my ADHD BAD. As my kids got older the spouse and I found it difficult to transition them into a bedtime mindset.

Well all the kids believe that Dad is the best story teller (shit my 5 year old went to a public story time at the library, got up halfway through the 3 little pigs and just walked off to play telling the reader "dad could do it better e.e he does voices" lol) so I decided to read them bedtime stories, so every night after work I fix dinner, and then gather the family in for the story of the night, I alternate between original fairy tails and Percy Jackson.

And let me tell you

Life changing

I make up voices for the characters and act bits out and get into it ya know?

I've NEVER seen these kids sit still for this long and we have inside jokes now about silly bits I do during stories and they learn new words and facts and history and they fall asleep so fast

Read to your kids I promise it will bring you closer as a family

(Ps they think Percy Jackson is better than Harry Potter, I can't wait to surprise them with the PJ TV show when we finish the series 😂)

Hey Daddit, been awhile! I have a situation that I really don’t know how to handle. My wife and I have talked about it and are sitting on everything right now, but I’m honestly just all over the place with this and could really use some guidance.

To start, I apologize for the long read, but this is a LOT of information to get the full story. I have 3 children, but this is regarding my oldest, my 13yo stepdaughter, who we’ll call “Penny.” I’ve known Penny since she was 7 and have been in her life ever since. I’m even “Dad” in her phone :’). When I first started dating her mom, she was a wild child, biting, kicking, spoiled rotten by grandparents, etc. There was a lot of work that needed to be done. After years and years of hard work, consequences, talks, and just trying to facilitate her growth, I am honestly so proud of who she has become. A lot of times it feels like it’s one step forward in one category and two steps back in another, but she really is doing much better. She actually cares about school now, whereas in previous years she was failing. Her responsibilities have grown, she keeps her room clean, and she’s capable of doing things that I honestly didn’t think she would be capable of if you asked me 5 years ago.

It’s been long overdue, but we recently got her into therapy and had behavioral testing done because there were certain characteristics that never really seemed to fade.. consistent lying, anger/emotional regulation problems, and not being able to problem solve at a level we feel she should be at for her age. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and we’re continuing therapy to hopefully work through some of these things. There are also things from her upbringing that we can’t change, and I think therapy could really benefit her in that regard as well. My wife agrees.

So you might be thinking, “Okay, OP, what’s the problem?”

Penny got grounded from her phone after letting a grade slip below our predetermined rules. While she was grounded, my wife went through her phone, as she normally does, and found video evidence that Penny has been physically fighting other kids in multiple settings. I was out of the house at the time, so when I got home I checked it myself. Sure as crap, there is a video of my daughter fighting another girl in the middle of a “movie room” at a friend’s sleepover. A sleepover THAT I DROVE HER TO. It’s basically one of those WorldStar fight videos you scroll past on Twitter. Kids all around the room screaming, hollering, and recording. There are multiple videos of other kids fighting each other and pictures afterward with black eyes. Some of them seem to be fully egged on by everybody there and are almost treated like “boxing matches.” I mean, I was a kid too. I roughhoused. I understand kids doing stupid shit. But these are full on fights. Then there’s another fight where it seems my daughter and another girl were arguing at the different party and it escalated into physical fighting.

And the kicker? The kid hosting the sleepover (let’s call her Ellie) is probably the most polite, non-suspicious, respectful kid Penny is friends with. Straight A student type of kid. She’s in the videos like the damn ring leader with her sister.

So I go through every text, video, and photo I can find, and I discover WAY more than just the fighting. I honestly thought the phone was being checked more thoroughly. My wife is a little tech-illiterate, so I’m not blaming her, but I’m also absolutely taking responsibility for not regulating/checking it more myself. I should have known better.

And now I have this entire list of things that my wife and I have to figure out how to address. Penny is still grounded, so nothing has really changed for her yet. We’ve decided to sit on everything for a little bit before confronting her because we don’t want to go into this angry and make things worse.

Here’s what I found:

-Three separate video instances of her physically fighting other kids.

-Messaging “Ellie’s iPad” and deleting messages. Through other friends’ messages, it became pretty obvious this was actually a boyfriend we didn’t know about. He tried coaxing Penny into sending sexual images, which she refused. They then broke up and exchanged some absolutely heinous 13yo insults, including comments about wanting my wife to die and my youngest daughter to be tortured.

-Looking up porn through Reddit on Safari. She thought she deleted it but did a crap job. Honestly, the porn itself is probably the least concerning thing here, and my wife can handle having that conversation with her.

-Breaking into a friend’s house with several other kids. The mom came home early, and apparently the friend who lived there told everyone to “run out and don’t make eye contact.”

And that’s where we’re at. I feel ashamed, stupid, and helpless. This feels like one step forward and twenty steps backward. At least her schooling is good right? 😭 I genuinely don’t know what the appropriate response to all of this is. Do I just turn this kid Amish? Ban friends altogether? Throw the phone in the garbage? Ground her until she’s 30? Do I tell the parents about the fighting? Do I “rat out” the 4 out of 6 kids I can identify from the videos? Do I contact the school? There is just SO MUCH to unpack. I know there are normal teenage things mixed into this. I know we’re going to have to have conversations about online safety, relationships, sex, pornography, peer pressure, etc. I also know we’re going to have to heavily monitor everything from here on out if it's even given back. But the fighting, the lying, sneaking around, breaking into someone’s house, secretly dating, the hateful messages, and the general level of shit she has gotten herself involved in has us completely overwhelmed.

I know my wife and I messed up too. We should have been monitoring things better, 1000%. I’m not looking for someone to tell me we’re perfect parents, because we’re obviously not. I just really need some guidance on how to handle without going nuclear and potentially making things worse. What would you do if this were your kid? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

My daughter was born a few weeks ago and like the title says I'm struggling mentally and emotionally. I maybe enjoy being a dad like 5% of the time. The other 75% of the time its fine. That other 20% though. That 20% I hate being a dad. Just wishing it was anything but this.

Like dont get me wrong, I love my daughter but I really dislike my current situation now. I work full time, am a full-time student finishing their Bachelor's degree while simultaneously applying to grad schools. Im back at work after 4 weeks off but my wife is still home from work. When I get home I simultaneously have to take over to help my wife after being with the baby all day while also working on my homework assignments. Assignments that have been piling up since my daughter was born.

My wife has been a mixed bag. She's been great about letting me get extra sleep on work nights. On the other side of things though whenever I make a mistake she has gotten mean (i.e berating me after I accidentally messed up a photo she was trying to take of the baby). I know shes struggling too but it dosent change how much it sucks for both of us.

I know everyone says it gets easier and more joyful and that I'll feel that amazing connection eventually but I'm tired right now. I wish I had my old life back. Im in therapy and were in couples counseling but it dosent feel its been doing much for me lately. My main coping skills before this was exercise but I've barely been able to do anything since shes been born.

Idk what to do so any advice would be great. I feel overwhelmed and like my old systems of support aren't effective anymore.

Our oldest daughter is turning 5 in December. We've had her potty trained (or so we thought) since 2.5. but once a week or so she's either pooping or peeing in her pants. It's got a lot better where she at least tries to go to the bathroom but usually it's too late or she can't hold it in anymore and while she's getting on the toilet she gets pee all over her clothes. Her daycare has prescribed potty breaks so that helps some but it still happens there occasionally.

My wife and I are so frustrated. Do we need to see her pediatrician? A child psychologist? Or is this on the slow end of normal? She's going to go to kindergarten next year and we don't think this is going to be acceptable there. Any insight is appreciated.

Hey gents -have a 2.5 year old boy that loves the classic being thrown around / in the air / onto the bed type fun.

Current go tos are him being a rocket ship or just crashing into the bed. Trying to switch it up to keep it fresh. What are your go to rough-and-play games?

So not even sure where to start. My 14yr old son let me and his step mom know last week that they would want to start wearing femine makeup. He told her privately and she brought it to me per her request.

So we are a very leftist pro lgbtq+ household. I am very in the punk community and I ahev always encouraged my son to be who he wants to be no matter what. They are such an awesome kid and have always been. Me and his mom had him at 19 and 20, and she abandoned him basically at 4, and I have had sole custody since then.

Now that he is 14, he has a cell phone and stuff and tbh i do check his phone for safety reasons...and if im being honest just being nosey. I know that he has been curious about himself very much so and I am very supportive of his choices....

That being said. We went and got him.makeup.and a wig today to try it out. My wife helped him.and I had to go out for a bit. When I came back he was in the bathroom. About 10 mi later he walks out in full makeup and a wig..

At first I was so taken aback I couldn't really speak. I smiled, hugged him and fixed his wig cause it was a but crooked. I hugged him tight and told him. I love him and Im proud of him. We all talked for a bit and I asked him how he felt and he said kinda weird but comfortable.

He went back to his room to get ready for dinner and im in the garage crying now... 😢 it is so hard to see my beautiful boy as a girl outwardly. It feels.like me son has died. I kkownits selfish asf and I am supportive to him in every way...but selfishly, i am kinda tucked up right now. He was beautiful btw. Which also makes me cry. I am scared for my black LGBT son. I am so scared. The game is already on hard mode for em and that's not their fault, but it is hard. When I look at them in makeup. I dont see my kid. It's heartbreaking tbh.

I do t know what to do. I love him/them all the same and I will be supporting them in every way possible, but why does it feel like i dont have my son anymore? And why am I fucking crying lmao.

i don’t know what to say I just need to vent.

I have two boys 3 & 6 months. I’m well aware I’m in the trenches. However I am also aware I am drowning.

My relationship has been deteriorating to the point I’m now on the couch and not even being spoken to like a partner or a father. I love my partner more than anything (apart from my kids) I feel she has post partum but she will not accept that and is so defensive whenever I broach the subject. And goes on the offensive. Chastising every small mistake I do or thing I forget.

I try my best at everything I do. Cause that’s all I can do is just try my best. But to be reminded day in day out that my best is not good enough is really wearing on me. I work myself to the bone but am thankfully able to be home to see my kids and put them to bed.

I’m seeing a therapist soon and hopefully they can give me some clarity on how to process my feelings and emotions better.

I have no one around me. My parents are on the other side of the world. I do not get on with my partners family. I have “friends” but none of them have kids so they don’t understand the issues we as dads have. I just feel so alone in this journey. No one to share my wins with, whenever I do tell people and they just don’t get it or they don’t care.

Im sorry for the wall of self pity and misery but I’m just so lost and alone in this all and don’t know where else to turn to.