I ruined a friendship with a hug.
Dinner: Panzanella with burrata
TL;DR: Guy makes friends with gal, he hugs her, she hates it, freezes guy out, friends no more, guy sad, but act like he don't care in public while slowly losing ability to believe that love is real for him and that community is just a fairy tale but trying to persevere and not lose hope. Guy's people are out there with open arms.
Earlier this year I(34m) developed a rapport and friendship with a coworker(30f). We work at a restaurant. I am a cook, she is front of house. It would start with light flirty banter, innocent and jokey. She would criticize my plating, I would tell her spend less time yapping and actually do something for a change. It was fun. I actually really loved having her there because she was good at her job and works hard. We would meet after work every now and again at a bar our other coworker worked at and we would party and dance and have a good time. The first night we bonded over similar childhood moments/same area/background. It was during one of these outings I met her husband. I was happy to meet him and everything carried on. We'd all meet up like once a month when out friend would DJ at the bar and have a good time, sometimes her husband came, he usually didn't. One night after a friend's birthday she gave me a ride home and we sat in her car for 4 hours just talking about life. We talked about why I was single(divorced, wife's infidelity) and her relationship problems(not happy in marriage, good guy but full to her), listened to songs that made us cry and talked about our feelings. It had been forever since I had a friend I could open up to and seemed like they cared.
Over the next three months we would go the the farmers market severy times together. We'd exchange books in the hopes of reading them together. We'd get coffee. We'd sit in the park, paint, yap, and have a picnic. We'd talk about our workout routines and encourage each other. I was really feeling good about where we were. In a weird way, when we went out I just felt like one of the girls. All that changed.
One night we met up at the bar with some coworkers. I was letting loose a bit because it had been a while since I had gone out. I was having fun and I just out my arm around her waist and gave her a side hug and leaned my head on her shoulder(I'm 5'11 she's 6'2). She didn't say anything, just laughed and the night continued. I eventually had to get home, but there were loose plans of meeting up after I got home for cocktails or food. They didn't respond after so I shrugged it off and went to bed. They texted me the next day with a lighthearted response but that was it.
Over the next three days she avoided me blatantly. By the fourth day I approached her and asked her is everything was okay. She told me I made her really uncomfortable at the bar that night and she just wanted to move past it. I was sad that me showing her affection made her uncomfortable, but I knew that wasn't as important as what my actions had done and what they made her feel. I apologized. She was very standoffish and didn't really want to talk anymore so I just apologized again and finished working. I waited couple days before texting her, asking if she would meet up to or coffee to talk about this. She said no. I just wanted to tell her it wasn't what she thought it was. That it was just a hug. That you can show someone you love them without it being sexual or romantic. That she was becoming my best friend and I felt safe around her. That if we had to talk about boundaries I was more than happy to, but to completely pretend I didn't exist until I asked why she was ignoring me was hurtful. We had hugged before so why now? I wanted to ask so many more things, but I couldn't degrade myself. You can't try to force people to care about you the way you want and closure is never what you hope it is.
We don't talk anymore. We maybe say 2-3 words a week between us. I make sure the food is up so she doesn't have to ask for anything. I'm hurt, if I'm being honest. I guess I thought we were closer than she did. It sucks, but I've already gone through worse than this. It won't slow me down, but there is a part of it that still sticks with me. I don't have a lot of friends, so it was nice to feel like someone got you. It had been a while since I had a close girl friend and I missed it. But I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't want to be around me so our friendship ended abruptly. I did in fact find out she is getting divorced. I don't let on at work that I care, but I feel bad for her. Whether you want it or not it's never easy. But that's not my place anymore. I guess I just needed to let this out. Moving on and back to trying to be the best version of me.