Keep applying and getting responses saying “hey we aren’t currently looking to hire” girl why do you have an application posted then???
A few days ago my friend asked me what I was doing for my birthday and when I told her I didn’t have anything planned because most of the people I know are busy, she offered to go get causal dinner with me and I was so excited because I almost never get to hang out with my friends on my birthday. But then her best friend invited her on a last minute road trip, and she came and asked me if it was ok if we broke our plans, because she wasn’t sure when she’ll get a chance to travel with her friends to this place again. I told her it was fine, because I know how important her friend is to her, and how sad she would be if she missed this, but I’m really disappointed. Not because the dinner plans were *that* important to me, but because it reminded me that I feel like there’s not a single person out there who would choose me first. I’m always a friend, but I’m never the best friend. I’m never the person people cancel plans for and always the one they cancel plans on. My other friend agreed to have bday dinner with me, so I’m not gonna be alone tomorrow, but I’m still so sad that I’m alway second in line.
I’m finally processing that I did in fact have a bad childhood, and am starting to deal with the sadness of the love and care I didn’t receive. I’ve moved past a lot of the initial anger and outrage over how someone could treat a kid like that (it still pops up sometimes) and now processing looks a lot like thinking about the things I missed out on, how it affects me still, and what a better childhood would have looked like. A lot of tears, a lot of confusion, a lot of writing sad poems and using sad metaphors to describe what I felt.
Did anyone else grow up emotionally neglected and homeschooled? I feel like it created this really frustrating dynamic, where the only relationship I had with my mother was a teacher student one, and not a mother child dynamic.
I spent all day with my parents grading me and critiquing my work, but then I didn’t get any of the feedback parents usually provide. I felt like everything I did was judged through this weird grading scale instead of just normal parental pride or advice. There was always an emphasis on “how could this be better” and never room for just “this is good!”
It really made me feel like nothing I did was worth being proud of, and that nothing I did was ever good, only ever “good enough to get by.” I would have killed to have my parents proud of my achievements or helpful with my struggles, instead of everything being As or Fs.