honestly I was pretty delusional. thought I can sort it out but I really can’t. I can’t make it after all. my family spent so much money on me already and I still couldn’t succeed in anything. Ill stay in this country forever. Ill probably just end it this summer
my mom fell off of my horse and broke her back, ribs and shoulder and can’t move without assistance. she needed emergency surgery on her spine and has to live in a home. my dad whispered in her ear when she was in the hospital bed “you were never a good wife, ever since (me) was born you haven’t slept with me, you don’t cook or clean (she does both)” and she bursted out in tears telling me the story when i was visiting today and told me she loves me and i’m her whole world. my dad is ecstatic to not have her home and is acting like everything is normal. her life will never be the same. i’m helpless, i’m only 19. i can’t do anything to help and im really depressed over this.
Don't know if I should consider her a friend, but we were in good terms and were connecting about the same topics we cared about. she really helped me to fix some of my issues about my self hate (I won't go into details) but after not being online for a month she just deleted her account. life feels even more meaningless now. she's really precious.
Posted a bunch of times before. Blah blah PTSD. Blah blah depression. Blah blah blah unemployed for 8 months. You know the drill.
This year I actually have no hope for the rest of my life. The only thing that got me through my abuse as a child was the hope that I’d become a strong, beautiful, successful woman and it would all be worth it. That didn’t happen. My therapist used to ask me “What would little you say?” and honestly? I think she would’ve ended it at 14 like she wanted to.
I don’t believe in god at all but sometimes I find myself asking the universe what I did wrong. I say I’m sorry every single day and I feel like life just punishes me.
I think about my funeral every single day. I have the songs I want and know which parts to play them. I collected all the photos to show at my funeral. I wrote all the letters. Don’t really have a plan tho.
What’s funny is all the people who would cry and tell everyone they missed me so much and wished I didn’t do it are exactly the people why I’m in this position. They’ll forget about me in a few years anyways. Maybe they’ll light a candle on my birthday for the first years and then they’ll forget my birthday. My friends will move on. My boyfriend will find someone new. Soon they’ll forget the anniversary of my death. Then they’ll forget my name. Then they’ll forget me all together.
A few weeks ago I stood at the bridge over the train tracks with my hands on the bars and told myself I’d walk away if somebody smiled at me. Nobody even looked at me. I burst into tears, smoked several cigarettes and walked home. I didn’t tell anyone.
I refuse to tell any MH professional because I’m not stupid and at this level + already on medication + little home support = 90% chance of hospitalisation. I won’t have that. I’ll get worse I know it, I have to be safe at home. And the humiliation will kill me.
Went to IKEA tho. It’s a maze in there. Wish I wasn’t broke so I could’ve bought something.
IKEA meat balls + schnitzel.
I have a chronic health condition that requires me to go to a specialized clinic for regular, intense medical treatments. The treatment itself is exhausting and requires me to be in a calm, relaxed state for it to work properly.
Recently, a newer nurse joined the small team at my clinic. She is incredibly rigid, always in a hurry, and treats me like a box to check off on a to-do list. Personally, I am a very easygoing person. I don't like confrontation at all, and I actually prefer to build bridges and make friends with my nursing staff. So when she started treating me this way, it made me sad, but I just put my head down and tolerated it because I'm not there to start drama. But during my last appointment, things went too far.
The harsh clinic fluorescent lights were triggering a severe migraine, and I politely asked if we could turn them off until it was time for my treatment to start. She flatly refused, making an excuse that the doctor wouldn't like it. But that ended up being completely false—the doctor didn't even arrive for 40 minutes, and the charge nurse later told me that of course turning off the lights is no big deal. Because I was forced to sit under those harsh lights for nearly 40 minutes alone, I got sicker and sicker, my actual treatment was completely disrupted, and I woke up in excruciating pain.
To make matters worse, as soon as the procedure was over, she rushed me out. I use a wheelchair and was still heavily medicated, groggy, and in an altered state from the drugs. Instead of ensuring I was safe, she basically pushed me out into the lobby area and left me entirely unassisted. My specialized medical transport ended up falling through, and I was stranded. I had to take an Uber home as a vulnerable woman on drugs with a really creepy driver who drove like a nut job.
Once the medication wore off, I decided I’d had enough. I have never once raised my voice or spoken down to the clinic staff—I always remain polite and just stick to the facts. So, I sent a long, polite email to clinic management explaining the breakdown in patient safety.
Here is the problem: I didn't realize that messages sent through the patient portal route to a general nursing inbox first. The nurse I complained about read the email before management even saw it.
The partial good news is that the charge nurse intervened and promised to handle my care directly whenever possible. But there are no guarantees, and this is a small clinic. This nurse now knows exactly how I feel about her, and I am anxious about the potential awkwardness if I get assigned to her again. No one from the clinic has actually apologized to me for leaving a sedated patient in a wheelchair stranded, either.
I am proud of myself for speaking up, but I'm just trying to figure out how to process all of this. If she does happen to bring up the email with me, my plan is to just politely state, "I'm uncomfortable and don't wish to have this conversation with you," and ask to talk about something else. I'm just a little bummed that I can't be completely guaranteed a different nurse in the future. No one should be dumped off like a piece of trash and left to fend for themselves when they are vulnerable.
I don't know, for so long I've just felt like I've lived in a world that wasn't made for people like me. I just want to get treated nicely like everybody else does. Once you look past my silly tics and quirks, I'm not that bad of a person. I just make goofy faces and fidget when I talk.
i have never loved someone so much in my entire life. he keeps reading my messages, but he won’t reply. i told him i would heal and come back to him better in a year. anyways, butter chicken.
tonight i was thinking about what i just described in the caption. but i wanted to be a fat greedy subhuman and go to mcslops, i dropped my luh shi in the end. my issue with holding onto the past and not doing anything with the the present and future remains. everyone says that im doing good for my age, but i feel like thats just not true.
I try not to leave stuff like that where people can see it, I didn’t mean to stress her out but now I know why she’s been so sad the past few days. I’m so stupid dude
6PM breakfast bowl of Greek yoghurt and fruit and a glass of milk.
My mother is sat behind me as I eat this lol. When I came down she said she thought I was dead and didn't even ask how I am. Not that it would matter. She'd talk about her own problems and dismiss mine, like she does everyday!
Anyways, I went to the doctors recently about my fibromyalgia and they've agreed there's nothing that will help me besides doing what I'm already doing, which is yoga in the morning. That doesn't help either, and I'm in constant agony. They called a second time to discuss my depression and I told them I'm resistant to everything I've tried: several types of antidepressants and therapies for a decade. None have helped. I'm weening off my antidepressants because they've done nothing to help. The advice I was given is if I do try to commit suicide is to ask for help because 'there's always something we can do to help.' Yeah, right.
I'm stuck at home with my narcissistic mother, being her caregiver whilst trying to manage my disabilities. I'm unable to work, and I'm currently taking a break from university (I'm strudying creative writing) because I'm too in pain and overwhelmed. I just wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm probably going to be taking care of my mother for the next few decades, trying to make success by publishing books if I can even get to that point so I can have some type of income besides benefits.
Might be a bit long so sorry in advance. There was a bunch of changes and things happening with my exams which were already stressing me out but they thankfully came to an end on Wednesday, with my last math exam but the paper they gave us was not anything similar to any of the revision guides and they sort of lied to us so then they scheduled a re-sit for tomorrow which I’m sure will also go terribly. Im just so unbelievably tired ad yes i finish it all tomorrow but for what? To wallow in bed for two weeks and fall deeper into addiction until im back at school and reminded that i have no one to talk to and generally none of this matters. The only thing that makes me feel better is standing by my balcony and just staring at the drop, i wont do anything but it feels a lot bettet
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m sick but I still have to work, my friend is suicidal and I’m the main person he gravitates towards and now my dad is as the title says and he’s 1200 miles away so I can’t go check up on him. And on top of all this I’m newly single and while I’m glad I’m not in that relationship anymore I’m lonely. Why the fuck is everyone else’s problems always my problem? Why the fuck do I have to be the adult? I’m 23, I should not be the adult for everyone but for some reason I am. I’m so jealous of the people my age who have everything paid for for them and get to enjoy their youth and get to enjoy Italy in the summer and I’m here slaving away at an office while I’m sick because if I don’t shits gonna fall apart. I’m just tired and don’t want to be bothered.
Never have been a good cook. only really able to make simple things. managing a bunch of things at once stresses me out a bit so I keep it light. made boiled eggs and toast because I want to eat less slop. saw that I weighed 64kg and felt like crying. I hope I can get it back down to 60ish. Found out my ex is seeing another guy this morning. Cried during my driving lesson and when the guy said “oh my god” to me giving somebody way I felt like crashing the car and killing both of us. would your sons like that, cunt? Whatever. Im rambling. BOILED EGGS AND TOAST!!!!!
one of the few happy moments of today.