r/depressionmeals

Im 36, been bullied my whole life at school and and at home and suffer from anxiety and depression. I only ever had 1 relationship, and she was a malignant narcissist and made me even more miserable.

I never experienced any thing that makes life worth living. I wish I was brave enough to take my life. I take lots of benadryl and temazepam to help me cope with these bad feelings. I wish my mom would have had an abortion with me. I feel like a weak pathetic man.

Call me whatever u want, but I’m tired. I got degree in graphic design because I didn’t see myself in any other position and yk what? I didn’t manage to get a job there within past two years, even tho I have a 3 years experience in it. I’m horrible at math and hate it with my whole heart, so I for another stable degree like medicine or smth, or another degree in IT field. I feel like ending my existence, I don’t want to work on the factory because of my poor health, I don’t want any cleaning job because of my poor health either (damaged my back years ago and since then can’t properly operate), Ik I’m unable to survive in this nasty world, I don’t have any family to rely on BUT. Maybe there is some nice country I could go to and live my last homeless days? Where I won’t get fined or end up in jail for sleeping on the street, I’m 23 yo,woman, so any recommendations are welcome. I’m okay with haunting fish, I would love to live close by the beach, low crime rate, I’m a eu citizen so I can enter any country I want in Europe ig.i just want wow, chill nice sweet moments before all of it ends.

I can't fucking catch a break. After being 10k in debt from the rent at my previous apartment, I thought I found a place where I could finally be stable and start rebuilding my life again.

Now I have to pack up everything and deal with the uncertainty that comes with it.

It doesn't help when every time I check my phone, it's full of the most unbelievable lies and vile messages about how I'm dangerous and how no one is surprised people keep abandoning me.

Every day is isolating, stressful, and painful. I can barely eat or sleep or get out of bed. Being alive just reminds me of all the things working against me.

To think this started because I told her she has to start buying her own food because I didn't feel she ever appreciated how much I spent on food for her. Yeah for the first time since moving in, I raised my voice and slammed (my) doors in frustration, but I never broke anything or hit her.

That somehow was the breaking point, now that she isn't getting everything handed on a silver platter and now that she knows I'm capable of... Yelling?

I should stop being such a fucking pushover.

He was my first dog. I don't know how to live without him. I don’t have parents. No partner. No friends. My dog was the only one who didn't abandon me.

Depressive episode is hitting me so hard right now. Some days I am ok and some days I am totally devastated.

This morning I woke up hating myself and numb from last night betting on the france vs paraguay game. today i decided it would be a good decision to empty the rest of my 3000 dollars checking account onto the mexico versus england game. Go Mexico. One bet to make it all back. Take a guess what happened. The only reason i'm not completely broke is the money my grandparents gave me for college which I put into the S&P and couldn't take out over the weekend. I have $3000 dollars left of my 7000 in savings. I know it's not much money but it's all I have since I quit my job.
This spiraled out of control from the grief of my sister passing away last month, when her cocaine was laced with fentanyl. Which has also sent my
brother (26) off the deep end, who's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. My family is now worried he's gonna die soon too, because of his developing substance abuse. it's never been this bad. he's been in the hospital for the past month and i feel so guilty that i can't bring myself to see him. He never got to close things off with my sister before she passed.
My now ex girlfriend also found a new man not even a month after i broke up with her, since she couldn't support me after my sister died. she didn't care.
I opted out of all the gambling apps and i'm set to attend a GA meeting tomorrow, but I don't own a car and I don't know how to explain to my parents I need to go there without telling them what's going on. If i told them they would only make it worse. But I suppose that assumes they're invested at all.
I'm eighteen and I can't believe all this happened at once. When it rains it pours. I write music to feel better. I've never been so low, the thought of suicide frequents my mind, and the antidepressants I got aren't doing anything. Cheers. Advice appreciated.

I used to have a friend group of 5 other girls and me, it was fun and I loved to hangout with them when I could but then my grades started to drop as I was prioritizing having fun and a full social life over my grades.
I failed math and knew I needed to change but things are either 0 or 100 with me. I stopped hanging out with people entirely and have been spending most of my days studying. I regret it because I don’t know how to socialize anymore. Fuh my life

Very sad. I have PTSD already but my now ex bf became emotionally abusive so I left in the middle of the night two weeks ago after he screamed at me in public. Felt fine until last night I had to pick up some of clothes and I just got so angry seeing the pictures of us on the wall and being back there I called him a “fucking liar”. I feel terrible. So guilty I cried all night and then we argued all night on the phone.

I want to block him but we have to stay in contact until the bond refund is finalised for our apartment.

It’s not fair. Why does he get to walk away while I feel like I’m dying? He keeps saying he didn’t cause all my health problems that have arisen from the stress but it was him. I was so stressed I bled on my birth control. I failed last semester because he made me too sick to go to my exam. I was meant to graduate at the end of the year. I’m only 23.

The last time I saw my mother it was in some facility for supervised visitation. It was so sterile and the process you enter and leave were weird and people where right there watching and writing the whole time. I don't remember what my mother sounds like and barely remember how she looks. I didn't know that would be the last time I saw her. I don't want to see them again though, they did many things.

I've gone over half my life without a mother. I aged out of foster care and did a lot alone. I was raped in care and had no one to tell, I had to sneak out of the group home to go to a clinic for testing. I just wish I had parents, I'm tired of going through life alone.

I've been on two dozen different medications and nothing helped. The funny thing is I was in a secure hospital for 2 years with no connection to the outside world when a teen and multiple short term commitments. Yet now I have a degree and professional job, and I'm going for a higher degree in healthcare. I don't think I should be allowed to be here and I'm constantly worried that someone will find out and take it all away. I also feel that I cannot properly ask for help since I am doing 'well'. I dunno.

Anyways, Wawa salad and kids grilled cheese.

They gave me an extra milk for some reason and I couldn't resist, now my stomach is bubbling 😞

i started taking an immunosuppressant because my rheumatism caused me so much pain lately. i cried when i had to go to the toilet cause simply moving felt so excruciating. but now my meds - that could also potentially cause cancer or organ failure btw - make me get UTIs very easily. this is the second one in like 1-2 months. i just don't wanna be in pain. i'll start taking supplements for my bladder so it will be fine, i don't need advice. but it pisses me off so much that i have to do so much in order to just live

Don't have the energy to write anything out. Good essay, shitty white girl coffee, cigs to feel, my zippo broke.

I seriously don’t know how I haven’t been killed in the past 5 years of going out with men I’ve met online. I’ve went out on a boat at night alone with a man, I’ve gone over to their house at night alone, I’ve went hiking alone, and just recently on two dates I got in their car. I told myself it was okay since it was during the day and we weren’t going far. To be fair none of these men have been malevolent or had bad intentions (as seen by the fact I am still alive). But I do wonder if putting myself in harms way enough…will eventually lead to a horrible outcome since all it takes is meeting a single sick individual.

Anyways, Dunkin decaf iced coffee which the guy bought me, for dinner.

for the love of god don't read it if you're uncomfortable with the topic

before any ai bro mentions it, no. i won't talk to an ai, never in a thousand years. i don't need psychosis

i don't relate to anything people talk about on forums/subs. i'm not sick enough for the pro crowd but apparently pro enough to get permabanned from a meme sub. psychologist doesn't even think it's an ed. my family's used to my habits because i'm physically healthy which i am not complaining about. i have a few online friends but i don't want to accidentally trigger them. i'm gonna delete this post soon too, i just wanted to let it out for the sake of it

i don't want to talk to recovered people. i just don't want to hear anything about this topic.

i just wish there was someone i could freely talk to without them judging me. someone that relates to my experiences. i made my peace with it never happening but it gets lonely sometimes

​I was checking in for my appointment at a new orthopedic clinic. I smiled and walked up with my typical "customer service voice" warm greeting.

​He smiled back and was super nice to me until he looked at my name... his face darkened. "You Jewish?" he asked me, his voice in a far less friendly tone.

​I felt uncomfortable with that question, so I just didn't answer. He looked at me again and said, "I know you are because of your name. I'm familiar with it. We don't normally take your kind around here."

​No, this wasn't just your average inquisitive type of comment. I could feel the hostility in the air without him having to say it. Everything in my gut told me to leave. I turned around and walked away.

​Something about the way he was speaking to me gave me the chills. Like, is this guy going to follow me into the parking lot and hurt me? You know that type of feeling. I didn't want to take a chance. The hatred of Jewish people is real. And it's really scary.

​I am a Jewish woman living in the United States. If it were up to me, there would be peace in this world. I don't understand why there's just so much hate. Why everybody has to be on one side or another?

​Perhaps I'm going to sound ridiculous, but I truly wish there was more peace and love in this world. It breaks my heart that there's not. Everybody deserves a chance to be loved. A place where they belong. And if you're lucky, maybe a place where you actually feel happy and not as depressed as I feel.

​Anyway, thank you for reading. I kindly ask that you do not bring up anything about politics or the situation between Israel and Gaza. I do not represent that as I am half a world away. I am only a descendant of Israel.

​All I want is to live my life in peace. I want to volunteer with cats, take care of my brother, you know—nothing to do with war. And I don't want to be hated either. It's an awful feeling to know that there are people in this world who would not give a second thought and hurt me just because of where my family comes from.

Anyway, a final thought here. Do I intend on reporting this? No, absolutely not. The more I think about it, that guy had access to everything about me as a patient. What's to protect me if he were to get fired and come after me? Nothing. I'll just let it go.

I don’t even really wanna give out details, it was just messed up and went on for about a year and then it was over. He wasn’t even that bad aside from the obvious stuff, just wish he had said goodbye properly. Watching community 24/7 because it makes me laugh and i feel like annie. Dont dm me if youre a creepy guy, i wont respond.

Well, after waiting a grueling 3 weeks to get my ketamine treatment, I go in.

​My Paratransit bus is unusually late. They arrive a half hour late and barely get me there on time. So that entire time, I'm stressed out worrying about not making my deadline. Not to mention sitting out in a hot, unforgiving sun with my heart condition. So right off the bat, I'm a nervous wreck at 9:30 in the morning.

​We finally get there and I think I can relax, right? No, but the clinic itself is running behind. Which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but because Paratransit makes me schedule an exact pickup time, I have to be out there regardless of whether I've been treated or not. They can, they have, and they will leave without me if I'm not out there. So I sit in that chair worrying about whether or not I'm going to catch my bus.

Turns out the ketamine clinic is running a half hour late anyway, so if I had known that, I wouldn't have freaked out about my morning bus being late. But isn't hindsight a little bit of a bitch in that matter?

​I'm supposed to be relaxed and sensory deprived during my ketamine treatment so that it can have the best effect on me. But because I sat out in that hot sunshine my body is drastically overheated and I can't relax because I have a condition where my body doesn't regulate its temperature like it should. So I think I got about half the effect of treatment that I should. I was really sad about that.

​I get home and I'm super drugged up and just ready to lay in bed. But the July heat come to find out has caused the shared front entrance to my apartment door to expand. When I return home the door would not budge. I had to have a neighbor let me in.

​I called to report this issue with the front door, and they ignore me. They still haven't done anything about it and I may very well have to do the drastic measure and call the fire department tomorrow to be let in and out of my house. They keep saying to rely on the neighbor to let me in, but I'm a third shifter. I can't be ringing people's doorbells in the middle of the night.

​I have injured my back tonight after helping my parent who is recovering from a stroke. I have to do all the heavy lifting for her now but I am no weight lifter. I'm a small disabled woman. So every muscle in my body is just screaming at me right now.

​After spending the latter part of the evening helping out my parent, I am once again locked out of my building and sitting out here in a hot muggy night getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Whether or not they're going to come help me is up in the air. The on-call maintenance man is over an hour away, and I'm just supposed to wait until he figures out what to do. They are completely unfamiliar with my building and keep saying that I can get in through an alternative entrance. Pardon me? I live on the second floor; there's only one entrance to the upper floors.

​So that's my rant for today. I'm outside, I'm hot as hell, crying because I was really hoping that my ketamine treatment would get me out of my mental health crisis. But it's as if the world did every possible thing to just keep me in the state of misery. I have no hope, no help, and I truly feel alone at the moment. I don't think anybody can argue with me on that. I'm literally locked out of my house in the middle of the night crying on the ground. Nowhere to go, nowhere to get out of this heat.

My cats are inside alone, as well as are my critical medical supplies. There's no way I can go stay with a friend; someone has to let me in. I shouldn't be expected to fight with a door every time I want to go in and out of the house. I'm not a big, strong man, and I can't physically fight a metal door.

​So here I am, pouring my heart and insecurities out into the internet. If you have stayed this long, I appreciate it. I am one overworked, broken woman. I won't sugarcoat how I'm feeling right now. Miserable, hot, physically pained, and just utterly exhausted.

What I need are two more copies of me so that they can take on some of the responsibilities I've inherited after, you know, the unfortunate reality of a parent having a stroke. It's like all of a sudden I'm responsible for a whole other life, as well as my adult sibling's who is disabled. And I love them both dearly, don't get me wrong. But I am just spread so utterly thin to the point where I'm literally working 7 days. It's me against an enormously growing endless responsibility list. And you know what I want to do?

All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Life shouldn't be this hard, but it is. And no amount of positive platitudes is going to take away that reality from me. The fact is I'm alone, I don't have people to help. I'm not wealthy, so I can't pay for external outside help from strangers. It's really brutal. I'm suffering. And I will never in a million years tell you that life gets better. So far for me, the older I've gotten, the worse it's become. I feel so trapped and alone.

I am so heartbroken right now. I just want to go inside and hug my cat and cry. But I can't even do that because I have to wait on some maintenance man to figure out how to temporarily put a Band-Aid on this door. I know they're not going to actually fix it. Why would they? They'll probably save that for late sometime next week after the 4th of July holiday.

​So, how's your night going? Nothing like mine, I hope. Any healing that my ketamine did has been completely undone. Just by all of this crap happening today.

What a waste of 30 fucking minutes. They were so condescending the whole time. I told them about my brothers suicide and how it feels like no one cares about how I feel about it. I brought up how I'm suicidal and simultaneously afraid of death because everything feels pointless if we're going to die. They genuinely made fun of me for feeling this way because I'm only 20. Then when I was still obviously in crisis they just said "bye" and left.

This was my last resort, I had no one else to reach out to and now I just feel fucking worse for it.

I know there's not much else they can do but ffs, don't make people in crisis feel like absolute shit for reaching out.

Old photo, I have no food at home. Crumpets with Vegemite and cheese and Biscoff chocolate

Rice Bowl with sauteed shrimp and broccoli. Topped with fresh shredded carrots, Sunnyside eggs with lots of kewpie mayo and seaweed flakes