r/depressionmeals

I’m so fucking scared im gonna screw up and fail again

Food: oversized Olive Garden crouton

Four years ago I was “sexually assaulted.” The individual initiated sexual activity and I reciprocated. Next thing you know, we’re in their bed and they begin performing a sexual act on me. All is good up until this moment.

I feel intense pain and tell them to stop. They do not, instead saying “no”, so I tried to grab their hand and move it away from me. They got angry, saying “no!” even louder while grabbing my wrist and pushing me back onto the bed. I was wedged between them and wall so I couldn’t really move. We were having personal issues at the time and I didn’t want to upset them even more so I submitted and gave up. As well, their roommate was asleep and I didn’t want to wake them up.

The entire time my mind was screaming that this was sexual assault. But another part of my mind was telling me to sit back and enjoy it. After the 30 second instance of “assault” I continued consensual sexual activity with them - which is one of my biggest regrets.

A few factors play into why this incident is more of a great area than anything…

- I’m a man, my “assaulter” is a woman
- I continued with sexual activity immediately after the assault
- I was a horrible and toxic person in that relationship
- My assaulter denies doing it so I may be misremembering it
- She claims that all I wanted was sex all the time

Following the assault I was diagnosed with PTSD and subsequently got EMDR therapy. This did help ease the visceral, nauseating reaction I got when remembering the pain that I felt that night. I also confronted the person who did it - but they subsequently denied it, instead claiming that I was the bad person. Nearly everyone I’ve spoken to thinks that this is a form of sexual assault but I cannot get past the clear societal boundaries that prevent me from believing so.

That leaves me where I’m at today. Nobody knows the darkness that has consumed me. I just have to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay. And so far? Nobody suspects a thing.

Cajun shrimp pasta.

I feel so guilty. I wish I talked to my auntie more before she passed. I live on the other side of the country and she was in California. I would talk to her whenever I heard her on the phone with my mom. Whenever I would get my hair done I’d show her. Whenever I had a fashion crisis I’d ask for her advice. I wanted to be like her so bad but I wish I kept her closer.

She was so sweet to me and she loved me to bits. I remember I thought of her a few days before she passed. I wanted to show her my hair but I remember thinking “Ehh I can always show her later. She will always be there”. And then she wasn’t. And then she was gone. My sweet auntie. I remember I was conflicted on which cowgirl boots to buy, I asked her “Which one should I get?” She said both. I told her I didn’t have the money for both and she instantly sent me money and said “Ok get both”.

When I did my study abroad trip in Spain, she was more excited for me than I was. She sent me $500 to spend over there. She was so bright and fun. She loved to spoil me so so much. She was like my second mother. My job gave me bereavement leave of 2 days and I much rather they just spat in my face. How am i supposed to be okay after 48 hours??

What’s really hurting me is that she died alone. She wasn’t married, no kids, no pets. She was all alone. It was a Pulmonary Embolism. She was gone very quickly.

Rosè wine for a distraction

(Sorry for my cracked camera lol)

My dog passed away 6 years ago. I miss him everyday and always think about him. I have immense guilt where I should have played with him more. This guilt is like an endless hole in my heart that can’t be filled. I barely took him to the park due to school responsibilities, but always fed him the best food. He was my best friend. My parents first got him when I was 10 years old as I loved watching movie was Shiloh. I miss hugging him when I come home from school/work. I miss his wagging tail as he greets me when coming home. I miss watching movies with him. I miss feeding him his favorite foods. The pain inside me never ends.

God these are so gross but addicting

Creamy espresso martini, homemade wine.

I'm always tired. I can't do this anymore. It hurts.