Turns out the mustard wasn't vegan, why is there egg in the fucking mustard?
update: cat dad says cat has rabies shots and that it's nbd. I'm assuming he doesn't want me to run her to the vet then. Should I like, still be worried?
I check in on her daily for about an hour a day, scoop litter fill water and play with her etc.
Today she was sitting next to a dead bat in the kitchen, I assume she caught it bc her dad mentioned she's killed a bat before. W/o thinking I used the dust pan to dump it outside, since that's what I'm told to do at my job usually (which scares me but they don't give a crap about me or my health so I have to do it)
I just messaged her dad but I don't know when he'll respond. Cat hasn't bit me or scratched me yet but she usually does at least once while I'm here bc she just plays rough. I feel awful bc she was meowing to play but I'm terrified of her scratching me. I'm gonna go sanitize the dust pan and floor I guess. What else do I do?
Hey! I got surgery december 2024. Did silicone sheets and gel the first few months, but my one (1) supportive family member died a month after my surgery so I kinda just caring about myself (if you can't tell by how out of shape I am lol). I think this came out relatively good all things considered but that keloid (?) On the one side in the middle drives me insane. Pic doesn't do it justice but it makes me feel like I have 3 nips. I almost would rather the whole thing be like that so it matches idk. If I start being good about putting gel sheets back on and massaging do you think it'll do anything or am I just screwed?
Maybe it's because my days are overwhelmingly more "bad" than good but when I'm at my lowest, even when I'm crying every 5min and making suicide plans, I feel the most down-to-earth and realistic. When I feel better, the rare times I'm even having fun I have a sense in the back of my head that this is all fake and I need to "come back to reality" soon and stop indulging in this fantasy where I am a person like everyone else and deserve to live.
It feels like a moral responsibilty to the people around me to remove myself from their presence, especially bc I'm also likely autistic and am constantly committing social faux-pas and saying mean things to people I don't mean to. When I ask for advice on that anywhere I get told "it's your responsibility to learn" but no actual help on how or where to learn.
That plus the dissociation make me feel like I'm not a person, just a body. And the body is inherantly expensive—the air, water, electricity it uses doomscrolling, the gas it burns going to work to afford to sustain it's existence, the food it needs to survive *and* that it wastes on it's ED + plus the trash that generates is...a lot. I want to cry when I take the garbage out and see it as the only evidence of my being alive—trash and pollution. (Oh and a long string of whiny reddit posts like this one. I'm gonna delete my account soon dw.) It feels wrong to keep wasting these resources on a body that doesn't even have anyone in it.
This makes therapy, hotlines, and even ai (when I broke down and tried it bc I was desperate and the hotlines told me to fuck off. I think one blocked me.) Useless bc they don't have anything to say to this feeling other than "nuh-uh. And you're a bad person and probably a narcissist for feeling that way" The ai is by far the worst bc I just get caught in a loop wasting water explaining to it that I am wasting water by interacting with it, while it tries very hard to convince me that talking to it is actually proof that I'm a very kind and empathetic human and should keep doing it.
The human therapists and hotlines still don't understand either, so I spend session after session trying to explain this logic w/o getting cops sicced on me and they never get it. Even when I'm feeling *good* going in I leaving the session at my lowest again bc I had to explain all the things that make me undeserving of life again. Going is just self harm at this point but people keep telling me my feelings are my fault because I "just need to get help" so I keep... doing the "getting help" thing even though it hurts. They never have anything to say but "uh...nuh uh. And you're getting a welfare check if you don't start pretending to be better real fast"
I'm working on getting an adhd dx right now bc I think stimulants are the only thing that might actually help, bc doomscrolling all day unable to focus long enough to complete a single task makes it harder to see myself as a human. Ssri's, snri's and wellbutrin made me much worse bc they just numbed that last little bit of my ability to feel pleasure and made me content with the idea of dying, while also killing my appetite at first, so I went from "maybe if I eat a little healthier I'll feel less depressed" to "I'm going to starve myself to death now." Fucking quick. Then it turned into bulimia bc I was still dopamine-seeking, and I lied to get my psych to put me on wellbutrin (can't take it while bulimic) hoping it would kill me. It didn't. For some reason I tell story to new psychs to explain why I want to get assesed for adhd and *don't* want to go back to the same meds, and they all seem to think "well, this time it'll work or you'll just go on a nice traumatizing grippy sock vacation and lose your job, home, and life savings as a result. No biggie uwu"
Idk where I was going with this. I have therapy soon and I'm not happy about it. If anyone has actual advice to feel...like a person, or just has a similar experience they wanna share I guess that would help. I gotta stop venting on reddit I'm sorry.
As breifly as I can possibly put it: Lease up in the poly house this month and I've been miserable all year waiting to leave but she suddenly stopped being *so* unwilling to communicate with me last month that I fept guilty and decided to stick it out.
I'm betraying past me but I also have 0 concept of if I'm the asshole here or not and I've been >!suicidal all year and operating under the assumption that killing myself is option A and if I leave but don't die I'm a horrible person since I can at least will my gf my savings if I die rather than leaving the two of them with nothing.!< also pretty sure that, even though I got demoted basically from original partner to roomate to a couple the second I did the labor of finding the apartment...this is still probably the closest anyone will come to "loving" my dumb fat ass. I'm hard to live with.
Idk what to do now. I fucked everything up and I should just accept that this is what I deserve.
Yes I'm filling the calendar in right now just wanted to share before my bad handwriting ruins it
Note that basically every fight we have had this entire fucking year, and the reason *I* stopped domming *her*, has been HER refusal to communicate boundaries properly. All year it's been:
"Oh you should just figure out what my rules are by my snapping at you when you break them. Don't use your autism as an excuse you shouldn't have to ask me if you can sit down in that chair, you should know I don't want you to by the way I get angry at my video game in a slightly different tone when you do"
"Heehee you're saying 'don't touch me there pretty please I'm hypersensitive' is so stupid I'm gonna call you a bitch next time"
"Oh you said you're willing to 'further discuss' somno play but have some concerns that you may wake up and punch me reflexively if you don't know what's going on? Well you obviously don't mean *literally that* so I'm gonna ignore you and convince myself you just don't wanna have sex with me at all"
"Well you're clearly looking for reasons to frame me as a creep because you're dramatic, why else would you be mad I lied to you about putting a camera in my room above my bed? It probably only caught like only one of your ass cheeks anyway. No idk where the footage is stored who would be worried about that? Bitch."
Fuck, like, she knows I'm absitnent from alcohol and weed bc of an addictive personality, but she's been ramping up the peer pressure like crazy to the point she was trying to physically shove a weed pen in my mouth the other day so she *is* very willing to push my boundaries. Like girl just fucking admit I'm ugly and let me leave!
(Recipe created on the fly w/o measuring, being written with no spoons left after cooking)
Are you somebody prone to eating dry ramen noodles to the point that when you actually want ramen you only have the broth packet? Are you sad and hungry now, because anything not ramen is too much work? Well, here's one solution:
Put however much pasta noodles you want in a pot. I made a big batch using half a bulk bag of macaroni. Spagetti or other long noodles is more ramen-y, but there's no law saying you can't use whatever you want. You could even use rice.
Pour water over it, however much you want. I made mine "dry" so I used just enough water to cover it. Use more if you like it like soup. Add a proportional amount if ramen seasoning packets...idk man I went by taste. Mine took 2 packets for a big batch, 1 chili one vegan beef + assorted cabinet spices (garlic, onion, red pepper), soy sauce and a splash of vinegar. I didn't add tofu this time, but when I do I crumble a block in now to let it soak up the broth. I also threw my iron fish (hunk of cast iron for minerals) in at this point so do that. Make sure you don't eat it later, broken teeth are expensive.
Microwave several bags of frozen veggies, or put them in the water frozen. Wait until the water boils for a crunchier texture. I did edemame, peas, broccoli and spinach because I wanted protein and to pretend there's pesto in here. One or two bags of generic pea-carrot-corn mix works. Cans are even better bc you don't have to worry about them cooling the water down so it cooks faster. I also threw some chia seeds in for more fiber and to thicken the broth, this is not necessary.
When the water boils, reduce heat down to a simmer and let it stew until the pasta is a texture you can tolerate. Top with whatever, I did nutritional yeast and seaweed flakes because I am part pet goldfish on my father's side. Enjoy.
Do you think wearing normal fabric clothes would be unsafe (or at least uncomfy) to an animal with a slime coat like a fish, snail or amphibian? I feel like it would absorb moisture and dry them out (or just get soggy real fast and be uncomfortable).
Silicone or pvc might be an option, but I don't know if that would be comfortable or practical either. My ocs don't *need* clothes because they're, old cartoon funny animals so things like a shirt but no pants is okay, and so would a snail person just wearing rubber boots to avoid leaving snail trails. Just interested to know if people had other ideas.
Hi. I was just out walking my dog and saw the skunk my neighbor trapped in a havahart is still out there a second day. This is the second time I've seen them trap a skunk and I think the first one drowned in the rain, so I'm concerned they're just trapping them to let them die out in the elements. Today it's going to be hot so I'm worried about the poor thing but I live in a city in a rural county where I doubt animal control will do anything. I also don't know *who* is setting the trap since most houses here are divided up into apartments (college town, I live down the street from the school) and I have severe social anxiety and I'm terrified of knocking on doors or sneaking onto their property to free it (we're a block from the police station and the college has cameras pointed in this general direction so high risk of getting caught)
update: I took my dog back around that way and don't see the trap anywhere in the front or back yard so I think they took it to release or euth (which I'm not happy about because I love skunks but better than the poor thing dying of dehydration). Maybe they just forgot to check for a day. I'll continue to keep my eye on this house in the future though, since this neighborhood has a handful of them.
Been struggling to figure out how and where to post this. Been on my mind for years now and it's not getting better. This is a long one, it's been slow cooking in my brain for months and I can't even spit it out to my therapist.
Gonna be 27 in 3ish months and really struggling with it. I feel like a kid still. I'm a complete failure and my life will never be what I wanted it. A BIG part of this is the fact that I've known I was trans and kinky since I was 15-16 and never got to live it.
I have severe social anxiety and lived under a very controlling parent until I was 23. He knew where I was at all times, big sister had to drive me to college (community college, taking 1 class at a time for 3-4years before dropping out w/o ever even declaring a major) at 18-21. Finally got a part time job I could bike to while dad was wfh during covid and he'd insist on biking with me. Just going to get a pack of fucking gum was a secret mission I had to time out with his rare in-office days. For most of this I didn't even have online friends, Bulimia was what kept me company. Was on antidepressants at this time that didn't do shit aside from *starting* the eating disorder and completely killing my sex drive. I rarely even jerked off, The few times I'd think about doing something sexual at all (i.e. posting nudes online) I'd have a panic attack about it and be consumed by dysphoria for days. This was the only time in my life I was a weight I didn't hate but dating and hookups were just out of the question.
Dad relented to me joining a state Americorps program 3hrs away, around when I saved up for a car. Took my first t shot around then since I was leaving anyway. Didn't last very long bc I also have undiagnosed adhd and pmdd so I was constantly missing shot days which monthly suicidal crisis a near-daily occurance. Started a t4t relationship with my one friend I reconnected with from school who lived back home and couldn't drive.
Didn't really make any long lasting friendships even though I was surrounded by queers and nuerodivergents there. Didn't try to hookup or date in my new place because the anxiety was still too much.
Got top surgery my second year at 25, the only thing I was certain I actually truly wanted. The universe showed me what it thought of me pursuing my dreams and killed off my mom (my only supportive family member) 1mo later.
Was with that same partner all through that second year, she got another partner around when I got surgery (bc I said we can be poly bc I know I'm not enough for anybody) then us three moved in together. I did all the work of finding an apartment and it was a rush and generally less-than-ideal for everyone (incl. Being far away from any jobs in my partner's career field) but my partner insisted on it, promising we'd all be okay when we can be together.
It's been almost a year of us living together and it's sucked the whole time. I thought living together as just the 3 of us would be like, kinky and fun but it was just depressing. We work wildy different schedules with me waking up at 5 in the morning for a fulltime job and her having a part time where she can sleep whenever, and her partner being unemployed so they'd just stay up all night together and sleep when I'm awake.
I Felt like she completely lost interest in me in favor of her other partner, or sometimes like she was only using me to get out if her mom's house and now she didn't need me so I was demoted to roomate. I'd go to work, come home and sleep only sometimes watching her play video games for an hour or so.
We'd get into fights a lot over petty little shit. She would get mad at me for knocking on her door to ask for a goodnight hug, or for not hearing her when she mumbles into her loud videogames. My pmdd would act up and I'd get suicidal and she'd tell me she's sick of hearing it (can't blame her there). She'd be upset but wouldn't tell me, then blame me for not comforting her (after being snapped at for knocking on her door when she wanted space) etc. We both started cutting again for a little bit around october-december.
I was making escape plans, applying to americorps again and actually got accepted but it was accross the country my anxiety lost it's shit at the idea of me doing that (never been out that way, just up and down the east coast, and never alone) and I got scared to leave the few friends I have behind.
Now are lease is going to he up in one month and I was preparing to leave (unsuccessfully looking for new roomates, applying to americorps yet again, crashing on my one friend's couch for a bit or moving back in with dad as last resorts) but in our last fight I mentioned how close we are to the lease being up and she's started being lovey and understanding and patient all of a sudden. And just from hearing that I'm sure it sounds suspicious but it really seems like she's trying.
Problem is, I associate her with this deep depression I've had this last year now so I'm not attracted to her anymore. Which makes me feel like a dick but I can't help it. But with her being nice and the lease being up *so soon* that the 2 of them have no hope of replacing me in time I feel obligated to stay.
On top of that, I feel like this is the best I'm ever going to get. Nobody loved me before, ofc nobody's gonna love me now and being a reluctant qpp is the closest thing to love I'll get. She has asked me a few times to hook up with other people and I've thought about saying "yes, if I can too" but hookups/expanding the polycule are out of the question anyway, as I have 0 sexual experience at my age and my "cute and innocent" appearance was the only thing people ever complimented me on when I was younger and it's gone. Twink death is here.
And so is the near-30 years of sexual/kink frustration and self hatred which are eating me alive. It's been to the point I thought of doing self-destructive things like >!putting myself in a situation to get SA'd!< just to feel like someone "got some use" out of my body before it's *too* old. Somewhere along the lines as a kid I decided I was only useful as a sex object and then I never got used as one, so I've been...useless. >!I even filled my diary with childhood anecdotes looking for evidence of CSA—just something, anything to 'justify' my being the way I am, I didn't find anything!< I also can't go to nsfw reddits or other communities because they're full of younger and more attractive people with the body I want and the envy makes me suicidal. I just cried because a meme is going around about a kink festival that apparently is right near where I live abd I've never gone and likely won't go because again, anxiety. (Fuck, I cried at the farmers market because there was a young cute queer couple there)
The sex thing is even interfering with other plans to salvage my youth—I'm afraid to do americorps again even if I get it literally bc I'm afraid I won't get to have sex while I'm out there in the woods doing cool shit I'm supposed to feel honored to have the opportunity to do. It's also got to do with losing my like 3 friends I've struggled hard to make but the sex thing is taking up an absurd amount of the pie chart of reasons. It's also just hard nit to feel like I'm washed and worthless at my age and all my attempts to fix any of my life are in vain. Idk. I want to be 15 again it's so unfair.
Thanks if you read all that. Also, sorry.
The last one is a yes, I can say for sure...
I was forced to clean maggots at my work the other day so this made me do a double take and I almost didn't want it. Using my Alastor mug was a funny coincidence.
Had a back and forth with my therapist about how it doesn't matter if I'm happy in my relationships as long as other people are comfortable because 1. *I'll* always be miserable and 2. I deserve to be miserable, so there's no point in trying to improve my life in any way that would cause discomfort to others beyond maintaining my ability to survive enough to maintain normalcy for other people.
She asked if I considered inpatient. And I blurted out the truth, which is that the experiences of my loved ones who have gone have been so awful I'd only consider it as a form of self harm. And then added, though I didn't need to, that I almost did because I'm so desperate to be seen as something of sexual value that I considered it bc I've heard of people being raped there.
You don't need to tell me I'm a piece of shit for that. I don't see it as "romanticising it" since I *want* all the trauma and pain and hopefully to be fucking murdered along with it but it's abhorrent to want all the same. Will never happen anyway because if it was, it would have happened before. I was such a naive autistic teenager I was the *softest* target but I was just that fucking ugly nobody would even see me fit to abuse. I should just kill myself and if you wanna tell me so that's fine. I'm sorry.
Hi! I was feeling nostalgic for neopets the other day when this question crossed my mind: is there a canon explanation for why the creatures we keep as "pets" are the same as like, normal citizens? Are they like, orphans we're adopting? Are the pets second-class citizens below the shopkeepers and other npcs?
I wasn't allowed on the forums as a kid and was too dumb to figure out how to participate in quests etc. I'd just feed my pet and play games. So even though I played for years I probably know like, 20% of the lore. So this is probably answered somewhere. But I can't remember any of my *many* accounts either and if I make a new one to poke around and then abandon it to starve again I'll make myself sad lmao.
Been suspecting I have adhd for years. It's gotten really bad and I've been seeking a diagnosis to no avail because they "want to get the depression/anxiety out of the way first" and I don't want any antidepressants bc I'm hypersensitive to most medication or anything that changes my mental state. Frankly I don't even want adhd meds! I'm just desperate at this point and nothing else helps *at all*. I'm nearly 27 and never had a sip of alcohol. I got surgery last year and chucked the pain meds they gave me w/o even trying them—it wasn't a very painful surgery [ftm top surgery. Idk how painful they are to other people maybe I was lucky] but my point stands.) I tried a bunch of antidepressants back when I was young and more trusting of the system and they permanently wrecked even more of my mental health and also I can't see now! Nobody told me eating disorders and severe visual snow syndrome were a possibility and trust me, I read the papers that came with every pill multiple times.
All this to say. I gave up trying a year ago because the years of frustration and dismissal made it impossible to talk to a psych without crying. And they'd just point at my tears and more or less say "Ah ha! I knew you were just a depressed drug seeker. Take this prozac (or some antipsychotic if I said I did prozac already) and fuck off!"
So today I had yet another breakdown over a simple task and impulsively scheduled a same-day appointment with a random psych and she just...tested me w/o question. She just did it. And it was done in like 30 minutes. The thing I've been contemplating suicide over for years because of how it's eaten me alive and nobody cares is just over now because one specific lady finally just fucking felt like listening. I guess.
Oh yeah and I won't get meds most likely bc my insurance will be cut off soon. Even if I wanted them.
Bro wasn't even a therapist he was a drug and alcohol counselor (basically no psychology training it's a course you can do at your local community college. Also completely irrelevant as I've never touched an addictive substance in my life.) and he used his doctorate in *theology* to make it seem like he was a psychologist, even listing his pronouns as "he/him/doc".
He wasn't just trying to make me commit myself but trying to tear down all the progress I fought tooth and nail for (holding down a job I loved and was my my reason for living, moving away from my parents, all things that took years of struggle in and out if therapy) so he can charge me to fill out disability paperwork. The inpatient visit was to make it look like I needed that, I guess. He tried to bribe me into going with a *fake* service dog too—literally promising me if I go I can have a puppy. I realized something fishy was goin on at this point, bc I had friends with psych service dogs and he clearly didn't understand even the basic laws I learned via osmosis.
Hey, for context I'm a trans man but I'm not on hormones and I have pmdd. I use a cup whenever I can because it's better for my dysphoria and more eco-friendly, but I'm away from home right now and didn't think to bring it so I had to buy pads. I've haven't felt this bad in a long time, and Idk if it's the pad or just the current heat wave or the stress I've been under lately or something else.
My back pain and cramps are worse to the point I've had to stop and lie down even though usually I power through work no problem (aside from random crying, lol). The emotional symptoms are the only thing not as bad, but that might be because I'm not at my shitty job right now.
Idk, if anyone who uses different supplies like tampons and reusable pads wants to weigh in I'm curious. I've never been a tampon user, and before cups I used reusable pads. I used an old reusable a few months ago bc I lost my cup and it was similarly uncomfortable—and it was organic cotton so I don't think the chemicals in the pads are the issue.
