r/sillyboyclub

S/H

It's been a while. Hi. I'm 29 now. I had an oopsie yet again. I was doing so good. But I had a slip up and now im hiding it from my partner. Does that make me a bad person? Not like he's gonna see anyways. I forgot how good it felt to be in some control of my body. Despite how things are going. I can't stop. Kinda making it into a game. Like hide and seek on my body

Sooo it's almost been a month since I had to go to the hospital for SH related issues, and I've been clean for about a week, I admit today I picked up a knife, but I didn't actually do anything to myself, instead I drew on my leg. I'm kinda proud of myself. Going for 2 weeks, wish me luck

Everytime i see my face i want to rip it off i fucking despise my body in general but my head is the absolute worst the thought makes me want to cry and the sight makes me nausious for years everytime i see my face it felt like i was looking at a stranger it feels so wrong and disgusting my hair makes it much worse but luckilly im about to get a haircut i am so fucking done with how much i hate my body and i want to change it but i cant because i dont even know what exactly is wrong i just know it i feel sorry for everyone who has to look at me i want it gone i miss covid so much because it was normal to wear a mask everywhere theres one picture of me thst i enjoy looking at every other one is disgusting and the reason i like that pic is because i dont look like i ussually do you almost cant recognise me i look like an actual person not just some entity

About 4 months ago i moved from a farm in a very small town to go to university in a big city abt 400km away. And trough last year a had a pretty silly depression run where i was doing a lot of silly stuff. After my parents noticed the scars everything came crashing down. Long story short, i was suposed to be on anti depressants right now, but since i moved i fell just fine, so i stopped taking them for a week just to see what it would do and then just realized that I dont need this shit anymore. I'm fine. So i just didnt take them for the last 3 months, and i'm going home to visit them tomorrow, and i'm considering telling the truth, but idk how to say that without them freaking out. Can anyone help me?

No matter what happens I can’t stop loving my family but oh my goddd 🫩 for the past four or five years my mom has just been going down this awful fucking radical spiral and everyone around her is just making it worse dude. It started kinda simple with the food dye cause cancer and suicidal thoughts or something, whatever, it’s annoying but there’s other foods out there and I’m old enough that she doesn’t enforce it on me any more. Then it went to her trying to stop me from watching anime because “it’s all about sex and objectifying women” and a bunch of other things that exist just as much in western media too but obv she’s not gonna tell me to stop watching that. I can try telling her that I’m not watching hentai and that most of what I’m watching isn’t that bad (besides maybe some sex jokes that plenty OF WESTERN MEDIA ALSO HAS) but she’ll never fucking listen. She says “oh it’s inspired your art (I’ve always been inspired by cartoon and anime like styles, even bore watching anime) and it’s just all your interests (I watch other things, and I was just as hyper focused on other things earlier in my life, but she didn’t have a problem when 10 year old me literally thought I was going to Hogwarts)” like stfu pleaseeee!!! 🫩🫩🫩

She also has this lovely little habit of assuming all my issues are cause I’m trans (a lot of them might have been a few years ago, but I’ve literally told her I’m okay where I am now). I’ve struggled with ideation for almost a year now but it’s only because I feel inadequate and like I’ll never succeed in life, I’ve told her this, she doesn’t care! She also every once in a while will just randomly bring up something that she knows makes me super uncomfortable and then gets surprised when I’m uncomfortable!!! And she loves to just get really passionate over stupid shit. My sister started saying she was a therian, making the mask, the quadrobics, the whole nine yards. Do I fully understand it? No. Do I care? Not at all, I literally have a fursona I say do what makes you happy. Does my mom feel the same way? No… after a little while she started bitching and moaning saying it’s against the bible (literally says nothing about therians or anything adjacent) and has threatened to burn her masks, and a bunch of other stuff and then wonders why they have a bad relationship. I’m not saying she should let her walk on all fours in public or something, but letting your 10 year old play pretend is FINE!

My mom switched my sister out of public school to a homeschool Christian co-op, which already has pretty crazy strict parents that shelter their kids from everything, and have Christian nationalist views in small town Texas. It’s basically an echo chamber for just terribly narrow minded views and she’s being sucked into that while me (I haven’t considered myself Christian since I came out years ago, I don’t have anything against normal Christians, but I have a lot of religious trauma) my sister and my dad are all being pushed/backing away. It’s so terribly tense in my house and it’s mostly because of her. She finds a reason to hate everything and no amount of convincing will make her change her mind. I just recently got tomodachi life and I’m terrified that she’ll look into it and find out you can make characters queer and nb and stuff and try to make me delete it or something. If she does that I actually might lose my shit, I’m graduating in two fucking days, and leaving for college 2 1/2 hours away in like two months. I love her; we really get along well sometimes but she’s so narrow minded that it really frustrates me so much of the time.

I can’t wait to move out man this is so frustrating, I really love her but I also need distance really bad.

I recently realized I don't want to be a man. Idk 100% what I want to be yet but I'm leaning NB. It's been about a month now and seeing the impulses I have before coming to this realization make sense. I friend said I have dermatillomania, basically I pick at imperfections on my skin. Realizing I don't want to be a man and I will never have perfectly smooth, soft, delicate skin, it's already to late. I used to pick at bug bites, ingrowns, pimples, till there where basically bloody creaters in skin and now the scars I even try to scratch away. I look like someone put out cigarettes on my skin. I shaved my entire body 2 days ago and I am panicking now cuz the ingrown hairs are now everywhere. I would rather scorch my skin to scar tissue then have this on my body.

:'(

I do not remember a day in my life that I have not hated my own body.

IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOPPP WHY WHY DOES WHY DOES IT TAKE SO MUCH I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE MAKE IT STOP I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I AHHHHH HATE HIM SOOO MUCH HATE HATE FUCK HIM HE IS SOO MEAN I CANT I CANT I AHHH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP I DONT WANNA LIVE WITH THIS I WANT LOVE STOP HURTING ME STOP HURTING ME STOOP HURTING ME STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOPS TOPS TOPS TOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOPSTOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP I WANNA BE LOVED IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

Someone I was close to who I looked up to has started spewing insane terf and anti trans views, as well as trying to make me prove my identity and blaming me for the consequences she's experiencing. I fucking hate my lack of spine and leaving my inbox open to her rants. I cant change her, and I cant prove myself and all its doing is making me feel like a disgusting stupid freak. I cant go much more into it without potentially doxxing myself but Ive put years of my life and big trauma related trust into the relationship. It feels like everyone else is sick of my shit, my mental health and my struggles, my insecurities, my lack of coping. I don't know what I'm doing and reaching my goals while struggling this hard with mental health feels like climbing a down escalator. I just want to feel loved, wanted, seen and not all this shame, guilt and embarrassment for wanting that.

How the fuck do you deal with someone you cared about being a fucking transphobe? How do I let my rage be bigger and make all the other noise insignificant?

Hey sillies!

Something happened today, and I'm not really sure why or what to think about it, so I was hoping someone here could help.

I'd say I'm pretty content with my life, and don't have any serious mental health issues that I know of, but when I was at the train station today, I felt the urge to just jump onto the tracks and get crushed by it. I went through the scenario in my head in a pretty graphic manner and I talking to myself out loud (but quietly ofc), saying things like "...as it smashes into you launching your blood and guts dozens of meters". The thoughts felt raw and uncontrollable, but like I wasn't actually considering it.

Was this just my brain just hypothesizing a scenario, or is there more to this that I should look into?

Thanks for reading, have a nice day

so im 15 cause of this my parents still treat me like I’m 10 (EG I’m not supposed to have a google account) and my hallucinations have returned and I’m afraid they wont take me seriously when I say I feel like im going insane and also I’m going to download festival with my family next month but I can’t download the app (which I think I need but idk cause I’m going with my parents) cause of stupid stuff to do with the fact my apple account logged into icloud is different than the one logged into itunes (this ties into them still treating me like I’m 10 it’s cause my Account is a child account when I’m godamm 15)i seriously don’t know what to do cause I’m nervous they’ll find out i made a google account and they’d not listen to reason or understand that me being on the internet is probably the only reason I’m still here cause they have the same mindset as boomers

Source: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVHSQwwiJRa/?igsh=YjF3em83eGoxemZ3

Hello everyone! This is my first time posting here, but I've been following the content for quite a while. English isn't my native language, so I'm using a translator, sorry.

Now to the story. It all started not long ago: I started chatting with a really nice boy, everything happened online, but it soon turned out that in real life he was very cute and handsome, we talked for a very long time, even went for a walk, everything was wonderful - we wrote very sweet messages, every day I felt love and care, until one day.

A couple of weeks ago, at night, almost right after we discussed how we would go for a walk, he wrote a message. In short, it was: "Sorry, all these _ months I've been lying to you and to myself about my feelings, I love another guy, but I want to remain friends with you." It was terrible and unexpected. I wrote that I couldn't remain friends, since I had feelings for him and it was better for us to break off communication.

This could have been my first relationship. Lately, I've been in a complete emotional slump. I won't do anything bad to myself, but I know that for at LEAST the next 3 months I'm unlikely to be able to find anyone as nice and cute.

The worst thing is that we met by chance: I wrote to the first person that came across and we began to communicate, imagine how small the chances of such a person are. I don’t know where to look for cute boys, I study in high school, I play in a school group and I look not that bad, but I don’t go to parties, I don’t drink alco and I don’t contact bad companies. I feel that something is wrong with me and I will suffer. I really want to get some advice or something like that. I'm incredibly tired of carrying everything on myself. Thank you to everyone who read it, I hope everything will be okay for you, good luck!

i held out the blade infront of him, my own brother, and he only laughed and celebrated. i dont care how special needs he is, im not going to fucking tolerate living with and in a world full of nothing but psychopaths. i relapsed because of him, and he couldnt be more proud of it. why do you bother defending and advocating for living in this world? its only full of suffering, and horrible 'people' making it even more of a shithole. humanity deserves so much worse than just destruction, and you expect me to crawl back to the same species, the same race that put me into this horrible fucking body, making me hyperconscious, making me the wrong way, for support. telling me to "try" as if they didnt ruin every single fucking attempt in one way or another. what is the point of ANY of this? i cant make my own purpose because my purpose is to already suffer for entertainment. whats even more hilarious is that the other half of this was caused by ONE, ONE misaligned chromosome. but when has fate ever thrown me anything? when has ANYONE thrown me anything except pure hate or fake kindness? youll insult me for being so hateful, but you only taught and showed me that same hate. i really dont care how many people are "good" or "different", you cant redeem a single one of them. we all deserve much worse than destruction, but youll still try to defend all their actions, and support the same people only making this shithole even more unbearable.

i have been essentially forced into the role of a villain, but its not like i could ever do anything, im pathetic. not a woman. not a human. pathetic.

I feel really stupid on both ends because it’s my fault that neither of them talk to me but I also feel stupid because I KNOW I shouldn’t feel this way and I should be happy instead but I feel so forgotten and obsolete because one of them doesn’t want a group chat with us 3 in it so it just makes me feel like I’ve been replaced and they don’t care about me anymore because they have each other now

Tw on sh and other dark topics. I'm dumping everything so don't stay if it'll have a negative impact on you.

I have this friend, and I reposted a video that was a bit angsty but in a joking way, then my friend replies to the repost asking what it meant, then I replied by brushing it off, but then he replied again saying that I don't know what I bad day is, but he did specify that he was joking and made it CLEAR that he didn't mean it. Normally I wouldn't have been bothered by that, but it made me realize how fucking invisible I am and how shallow people's opinions are on me. I have this whole goofy persona I put on because god forbid I have actual human emotions instead of being this guy whos just always happy and cheerful with absolutely no depth. I don't want to be so hyper and silly either, it just happens when im stressed or around people. I want to be seen as a real person, not whatever the hell people seem to think about me now. How do I stop putting up this persona? It's so goddamn tiring doing all this just to get overlooked and called annoying. I'm actually more chill and "aloof" I guess, under all the layers, but I feel like nobody will want to be around me if im not fun. It stung when my ex boyfriend essentially told me I was too much, then when I started bottling up he seemed to like me way more, but I guess that doesn't matter anyways since he left me a week after. It was so fucked up that the one person I trusted with everything made me feel loved only when I filtered myself around the only person I shouldn't have to keep anything in, but he was probably right in a way. I'd constantly talk about what was going on in my life, good and bad, so no wonder it was draining on him. I dont even want him back, but the shit he said about how it was "unfair to him" about MY panic attack, the ghosting, etc was a lot on me and after I let someone see everything about me, it just reassured me to never open up like that again. I let him see my scars and everything. He'd gently kiss my thighs if there was anything new and if they were healed, he'd draw or write on them. I never forced him to, and he'd always ask before doing anything. I'm over HIM, but I'm not over how stupid I was for thinking I could trust someone that much. Being told I don't know what having a bad day is like when nobody even knows shit about me stings. I've had to come home from shit days to feeling worthless in my own damn home, (its better now but there was a time) I've had to choke back my own tears and smile when my friends text or talk to me because I know they don't give a shit, talk my friends out of ending their own lives, and I never let my own emotions out. I've stared at my wall from my bed so many times thinking I wouldn't get up ever again, yet of course, why the hell would I have a bad day? All happy and jolly as if its not to distract myself about how nobody would fucking like me if they really knew me. I have friends, a great mom, good grades, cool hobbies, so why the hell am I still sad? I hate being so sensitive. I've been clean for about 3 weeks but I'm not sure how long this will stay true. In reality I just need a nap and a redbull, but damn. I need to stop pretending to be someone im not. I hate this. And no, this isn't actually about the comment from my friend, it was just the last stray I guess.

Thanks to anyone who stayed, sorry for dumping all this on you guys I just felt like I had to get it out somewhere. I feel bad dumping all of this out Im sorry.