r/sillyboyclub

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

(Sorry in advance for how long this post is as a lot of things have happened and I feel writing it out may help me cope with it.)

This week was incredibly eventful in some good ways for once. But like all things in my life there is always a horrible side effect. Firstly I got mental health counseling which my college offered. Secondly I finally got news on my 529. Just these two events managed to completely change the trajectory of my situation for better or worse. 

Update: 
I have a bad record with mental health professionals likely stemming from them being hand picked by my parents. Firstly, we had my psychiatrist an over religious zellot who is the primary solution to all my problems were to pray it away or listen to my parents/deal with the abuse. Then secondly, we have my therapist who I could go on and on about but for a sick this Post, he was a snooty intellectual, who believe that he was smarter than everybody else that would always tell me to confront my parents on anything as if there would not be any consequences from that action. Oh also, he’s the guy who told me after looking at my medical file I’d be shocked if you haven’t tried, tried killing yourself. Because I would.” 

The counseling session was the first time that I’ve been able to talk to a mental health professional without fear my parents would interfere. I was able to talk freely about the abuse without worrying about my parents catching wind or trying to stop me. With that being said, it was not without its bad parts. Having to relive past traumas that I hadn’t yet confronted. Confronting those not confronted for many years. I came realizing I was far more traumatized than I would dare admit. The thug that gave me the most pause and truly made me realize how truly traumatized I was actually was a simple question. “Can you remember the last time you were happy with your family?” I couldn’t as every memory had been corrupted with realization of abuse and neglect. Afterwards I sobbed to myself as I realized how truly broken I am. 

I confronted my father about my college savings and I’m unsure what to think. Here the basics 1) my father refused to relinquish custody of the account 2) my father did allow me to be in direct contact with the financial person in charge of it. So I'm mostly pissed and confused. They refuse to relinquish it because idk. He claimed it was because “he wants access to deposit money”. Which is bullshit because it’s an auto deposit. That's why they didn’t realize the account never existed for the longest time. I’m unsure of what power my parents have over the account and that terrifies me. 

Physical degradation:
I feel pathetic even with my 12 salt pills. I still get horrible bouts of light headedness from my P.O.T.S . It is getting harder and harder to cope physically as the decay and pain has taken a severe mental toll. I want to be able to go hiking and not nearly pass out. I want to be able to cope but the mental load of knowing that things are just getting worse makes it hard to ever be fully adapted to the situation. Over the last few months I found myself having to abruptly stop what I’m doing, and lay down in the hopes that my back pain will lessen. To be quite honest I have a hard time keeping myself from collapsing into a crying puddle wanting the world to end.

Most don’t truly realize how much they have until they lose it. I’ve come to appreciate the ability to stand up without “head rushes” making me nearly need to pass out. There are so many simple things we all take for granted in our day to day life. Like being able to bend without immense amounts. Basic physical movement without the requirement of physical torment is a gift that is usually taken for granted. As we tend to forget how much is truly innately normalized.

Mental:
As I mentioned earlier I’ve been really having a hard time coming to terms with my childhood being corrupted by many recent realizations. Even if I try thinking really hard about it I can’t remember a single uncorrupted memory. I feel I have missed out on so much that I can’t hope to regain. Regret or just anger of what could’ve been permeates through my thoughts. I wish to regain my childhood, but alas, as far too late. My memories now are just of the pain, abuse, and sadness. I know our brains tend to remember only the strongest emotions most clearly. But I have tried so hard to find a single moment uncorrupted by my parents' abuse. 

I know I shouldn’t but I don’t think I am lovable. After decades worth of degrading and abuse I find it extremely hard to love myself. If my parents couldn’t truly love me I have no hope for someone else loving me. I know I’m ugly lanky twink with scar all over. I know I’ll probably still be ugly when I transition. My personality is nonexistent after years of me doing whatever it takes for my parents to be satisfied and would hurt my. I’m left with nothing. I’m a shell of a person with a dried husk of a personality.

My dysphoria or rather the voice in my head that tells me everything I hate about myself. Recently that dysphoria has gotten way worse. It tell me horrible things and a part of me believes it. Examples include; “You are an unlovable freak who will never be loved”, “You will die alone unloved and I pain”, “You will never be a woman like how you will never be loved”, “You will never be a real woman”, and “You haven’t started transitioning so you aren’t even trans”. Thoughts like these plague my mind. 

I need to start hrt soon because the mental strain of dysphoria is horrendous. I know it will not go away and that’s annoying but any kind of decrease in the self hate I feel is a positive. When I was younger I would (still do some) hope that maybe I would wake up as a girl. When I was still very religious I would pray to become a girl. Yet I never realized I could be trans. 

If I was lovable I’d do my best to be the best partner  possible. I would do anything I could physically do to make sure that they know they are loved. I would love them more than anything in the world. The most giddy and easily flustered lesbian ever. I would feel horrible for having to force somebody to have to physically care for me as my body declines. 

In this world where kindness seems to be a rarity, love each other. Make sure you love your friends, your relatives and the people you care about most. You never know what they’re fully going through what demons they’re facing. A hug, a compliment, and a kind gesture means more than you can possibly imagine to those who need it. I emphasize this because at this point it is all your kindness and compassion that keeps me from not killing myself. Thank you all. It means a lot. 

Poem:
Raped by my brother 
A feeling that breaks the mind
Son alike mother

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

I hate how some people seem to take depression seriously only when they attempt. Why does there have to be proof that one's depressed? Do they have to sh or attempt suicide for people to take things seriously?

I'm just talking about society in general here.

Even when I told my mother I'm depressed, she only thought that if I take meds I'll be somehow better and not need comfort, and never took it seriously.

I hate how depression is ignored.. until one already committed. What's the point then?

Appart from still being a jobless bitch (even tho it may change soon depending on how my next interview for a cybersecurity firm goes this week) i just feel doomed

I did find out i am genderfluid just a lot late and yah fem prefering for pronouns while tollerating masc ones even if not a fan still body wise i want to be as fem as i could and be able to pass as a girl obv getting hrt is my plan as soon as i move out and get a job i get informed consent with a doc and welp start that part

Ya may say okay so what's the problemo then

Appart from my dysphoria clearly killing me cause of my masc features that i try to contain but still disgust me to the point of making me wanna throw up and physical pain in a certain sense mixed with the thought of getting more of those later on anyways that makes me just want to die even more cause i feel like i would be trapped anyway since i heard many stories of hrt not working and such and mixed with me being almost 25 already so too late instead of starting 10 or more years ago already i feel worse and worse i am scared of ending up looking like a monster and being used by the far right as propaganda material against my will further humiliating me and making me feel worse to this even people pushing the you look good masc so you should stay masc over and over makes me self doubt that i would be just delulu about being able to be a girl and pass as one (or at least extra femminine with or without developed breasts honestly ok with both) and that i should just do as i say sacrificing all and just living in this masc prison so they are happy and all since that's what they want and what matters even cause as said i would probably look horrible fem and would be a monster and won't ever pass so they may be right and i was delulu the whole time

I have had suicidal thoughts for 3 years. Initially, they were caused by moving to a new school, but then they just stayed. Recently, I've started thinking about kms more often. Not so long ago I figured out that I am trans, and i think that made everything worse.I'm afraid that no one will accept me. My government want me dead. I have neither money nor opportunity to get hrt. I think my friends and family will abandon me. I have short-term thoughts about harming myself or experiencing something horrible(although they do not occur often). I have no one to talk about it. I tried to talk to an internet psychologist a few monthes ago, but he just told me a have "false transgenderism"(maybe he is right, idk) and smth else. I have a dress, but now when I look at myself in it I feel like abomination. I hate my body proportions and this abomination between my legs. I wonder why I was born. Typing this I am thinking that I just need attention and I am exaggerating my problems and it makes me feel horrible. Maybe I just need someone to tell this

Sorry for my chaotic thoughts

At least I have my computer and video games :3.

Hi there sillies! I'm venting again cause I feel like shit. I managed to get my ass out of home sometimes since the last post, and my only friend encouraged me to keep it going and even got me a job!!

I was excited at first, but then I remember what happens to me when I have interactions with irl people... Tomorrow (in 6 hours) I gotta wake up and go to my first job ever. That's pretty cool, but I absolutely fear it at the same time.

Let's just say I'm a bit too nervous, at a point where I can't even sleep. I don't have any lorazepam left, I ran out of those long ago, and the thought of just having to talk to people makes me wanna throw up. (My social anx got really bad lately T^T)

Also, I relapsed a few hours ago and I feel like fucking shit for that, I still can feel my legs bleeding against my pants and it itches a fucking lot.

However, even the most remote thought of knowing some irl sillies and putting my shit together makes me happy. But that's not going to happen soon... Right?

Idk, so many years of total isolation made this "common activity" into such a big deal to me, it makes me wanna cry but I want nobody to see me doing it at the same time.

Thanks for reading, stay silly and stay safe!! Love y'all... 💜

I want to be pretty and cute in a boy body, but instead I'm stuck in this stupid ugly girl body :p

For the longest time I considered myself asexual, i.e. someone who doesnt feel / doesnt like feeling sexual attraction (the latter being my case). But today I was at this party with my friends, one of them being someone who I love talking to in a daily basis and overall spending time with. Normally, I would just get worried when this friend talked/interacted to other people bcs I felt like I was going to be thrown away. But now, my envy not only came from that but also from the physical interactions between that friend and other people, which I must admit it wasnt something crazy (just handholding and that kind of stuff) so I'm confused right now on why I felt like this, because this has never happened to me before, on the contrary, 99% of times I despise physcial contact, why this moment was an exception?

I remember when i loved every single day. Pretty much every morning i was happy and looking forward to living. Everything feels wrong now. Nothing feels right. I don’t wanna wake up to this. I wanna go back to the world I knew.

If You saw my previous post about a friend i have being mean towards me. This is the follow up to that post. You can see it in my profile for context.

Welp. It's over. I remember someone say that She was trying to cut me off without actually doing it. Well, we cut eachother off. We argued a lot. About past, about now, about future. We concluded that this relationship was not healthy and that we had to go. We both hurt eachother in ways i won't tell. But it was messy and bad. So we decided to end it. It felt like throwing a boulder off my shoulders when She messaged me "okay, we're done." After i told her to end our relationship.

The goodbye part was... Surprizingly kind and gentle. It was like a hateful love letter. Six years. It's over now. I knew this would one day happen. Just didn't expect it to be so soon. I expected we would be friends until we're like thirty before She leaves the country and we go separate ways before slowly pulling away. But no, it was fast. It was messy. But in the end, our final words were of good will. From now on, both of us will try to be better. And who knows. Maybe we will find eachother again one day as way better people.

That's it. Take it for what it is. Final Words. Perfect Closure.