it's 00:10 right now and I messaged them "Are you asleep?" they respond 20 minutes later with no.. so I told them I'm 19 now. and they have the nerve to say, "oh yeah you were at the 20th not 21" and just jokes about me being old now. we're the same age, but that's not the issue... mistaking my birthday for another date hurts more than just forgetting about it ngl. anyways, hbd me I guess 🥳🥳🥳
so ive known her for quite some time know and i really really love her, though a month ago she started getting a little bit distant, more distant over time. then one of my friends messaged her about our (me and her) relationship and stuff, she said she thinks that it wont work out at all, and that shes just comforting me till i reach a point where i can find someone else...
when i received that through my friend (she told him not to, but he did anyway) i started crying, and i still am.. for 3 hours now...
im not mad at her im just sad that she didnt tell me that directly, and now im trying to message her and she just ignores my messages.
i hate myself i hate my fucking heart i hate my life. she was my only reason to live and now i have nothing. i have nothing. im gonna still be alive but i have no reason to. what even is my purpose in life? my life has been filled with a ton of unpleasant stuff, trauma, etc. and now i lost the most important person i had.
why whenever i get something that makes me feel better i lose it. why? just why? what am i doing wrong? now i have a few friends left and im really really really really scared to lose them.
so yeah, thanks for reading i guess
I am dating a trans girl... But she just recently arrived at that conclusion... Before I thought I was dating a boy.
My sexuality was always confusing and while I was dating her pre-transition I thought I was a homosexual... Even if a lot of things existed to make me believe in the opposite.
but one day... When she was still experimenting... She sent me a picture with fake boobs on it... And I... I was fucking drunk and... Oh fuck... I reacted so so horrible
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS TRANS. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A GIRL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST EXPERIMENTING A STYLE. I HAD ALREADY APOLOGISED FOR THAT, WE'VE DISCUSSED THAT SO SO SO SO SO FUCKING MUCH! BUT I'VE RUINED IT! I'VE RUINED IT COMPLETELY! IT NEVER WENT OFF HER HEAD AND NOW SHE DOUBTS MY LOVE!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID. SHE IS THE ONLY THING I LOVE, THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT. FUCKING KILL ME! STAB MYSELF! I HATE WHAT I DID! I HATE MYSELF! I AM AWFUL... I AM HORRIBLE!
I SWEAR TO GOD! I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH... So so fucking much...
Normally, I had reasons for wanting to cut myself (set free from the Malicious Beings, penalize myself from taking away the heavens from a loved one and other stuff). But I just feel this urge to cut, nothing except this instict-like feeling of "I need to cut mylsef as soon as I can", my skin just starts heating and pulsing like it is an organism of its own, I had full-on panic attack and almost passed out due to the sh thoughts and now controling them is being nearly impossible because there isnt any reason that I can use against pure, unreasoned, sensations. Does anyone know any methods I can use or something? Im desperate.
Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3
Another horrible, stressful, and otherwise terrible week has come to a close. As what seems to be far too common there is no good news today. But of course bad news is plentiful both personally and broadly. This rather unhumorous reality seems to find itself comical in its cruelty.
Nothing new to report with my physical status. My back is still causing me unimaginable agony. While my legs I still has unstable as ever. My joints still pop & ache at the slightest bit of movement. Just the usual unfortunate suffering I’ve come to expect out of my life. There is no comfort to be found in my circumstances. All of the hurt and pain. Chronic pain is the most evil and unnecessary thing in the universe. What do you mean the pain will never go away and will only get worse! What do you mean I will never have a moment when I'm not in unending agony. WHY?! :<
Fear can be found in every person. Fear is a constant found in all sentient life. Our fears tell a lot about us as they are the culmination of our life experiences put into a sensible feeling of dread. My fears say a lot about me. My main 3 fears are that:
In the end, my life was meaningless. Every decision I made never truly amounted to anything. That all the pain and suffering I’ve endured amounts to nothing. Is that every challenge, every heartache, every abuse that I faced leads to nothing. So I will be forgotten the only evidence of my existence being a moss covered gravestone. A stone with the wrong name, but no one to correct it.
I’ll keep failing. I never escape from my parents' grasp. Force to constantly relive my parents “bipolar” cycle. Never able to truly express myself. Being forced to suppress who I am. Never allowing me to transition.
I alone body decaying never do find somebody to love me. Left without help as I lose my ability to walk.
I've had some of the worst dysphoria in my entire life this week. Literally every single time I see a slight bit of my reflection I get uncomfortable. I want to start hrt so badly but I’m too broke and don’t have any place to go get it. So I’m left just hating myself. Lately I have found myself in a depressive loop for the simple fact of how I was born. Like every in my life it’s a mistake and I wish for a different outcome. Every second I feel like I’m lying to others. Lying to myself by acting male.
How do people find love? Like seriously. To say I’m social inept is an understatement. Years of restrictive parenting, social isolation, and constant appointments have left me socially stunted. I’m awkward, weird, and strange sometimes. I apologize constantly for fear of offending or hurting someone. I have never been in a relationship and well I’m scared that means I’m truly unlovable. Can I blame them? My own parents never loved me. The only love they did exhibit was extremely conditional. I can understand why nobody wants to love a traumatized crippled scar covered trans girl.
I started college yesterday. Which does mean less time at home. Which is incredibly nice. Sadly no word on the 529 transfer so I’m planning to ask my father about it. :3
I know it’s really really fucked up, but I know how I’m probably gonna die. I don’t know when but I do know how. Some day the pain will become too much for even me to bear so I will make peace with all those I love. I will check my will. Then and only then will I kill myself. I don’t know the method. As my final fuck you to the universe. I will solace in knowing in this fucked up universe that has hurt and taken so much from me I will get the last laugh.
(No poem sorry) :(
If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.
Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3
Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)
At school, she offered to group up with me when nobody wanted to and asked me if I would do a group activity with her next time, too :3 it was my first day of school and I loved it!!
I understand, we all just want to feel a little better about ourselves, our loved ones and our cares, but really. If you want to believe in the lie don't pretend like you're searching for the truth. It isn't shameful. But don't pretend you want something you'll never try to get.
I'm starting to act like them. I'll ruin your life like they did. Good luck!
It’s never felt like this before.
I don’t even know where to begin honestly.
I have so much I need to rant about- but it honestly feels like every thing is fine. nothing is going bad in my life. I’m fine. I just want to lay on floor and not move.
my suicidal thoughts are suddenly (mostly) gone- replaced by emptiness and nothing else. I should be so mad. I should be so upset. I was those things. now? I’m nothing.
I do have depression but it’s never been like this. I’ve just been waiting for this isolation to finally break- my emotions to suddenly spill out all at once- for me to probably loose my shit or do something I’ll regret. but I can’t to anything to stop it. so I’m waiting
sorry. for context- two days ago my gf broke up with me. I was already at like a pretty bad point. the next day, she’s just venting and says she regrets it, says she’s not sure, says all these things and then just decides and tells me she’ll take a break from texting. she’ll text me when she’s back from vacation.
that should’ve killed me- so much else was going on that was really bad too. why can’t I feel anything?
idk I’ve just never been here before. has anyone?
imma try to make this a lot shorter than my draft was so your essentially getting a tldr,
last december got fired on my birthday, have to rely on family to meet rent, start trying to make ends meet with blood and plasma donations while searching for a job, mom gets me a job on the other side of the country but has employ housing and food, almost instantly receive a crippling injury but company lets me keep working anyway, few months later while working for this company my depression comes back hard, my long distance partner starts to talk to me less, start closing off from friends, get moved into a different position that’s hella stressful, fight to get moved to any other position for two months, get moves to a worse one, best friend slowly losing the ability to deal with me at all, cant even make my family or friends happy, can’t cut myself, every time i try to die i get cold feet, every time i do anything remotely nsfw want to gut myself, anytime i talk to people wish i hadn’t any time i eat i can only take a few bites before wanting to vomit (i’ve been trying to gain weight cause im concerningly under weight), every time i walk i want to curl into a ball and cry, life has become a sysiphian task, only leave room for work and snacks, my time has just become videogames self hatred sleep and work.
I'd make something more polished but the joints in my wrist really hurt from all the pressure I put on it the whole day Ó╭╮Ò
There's like a whole backstory behind this post but I won't explain it here because I finally managed to stop crying about it and I might be able to get some sleep now that I got it out of my system
All that's left is a silly vent doodle and like 5 support seeking posts scattered on multiple different apps XD I thought I'd post the sketch here because someone might relate to it
This is not boykisser!!! More of a self insert kinda thing
(While I'm not looking for support or advice a virtual hug is always nice to receive)
What worse that i have suicidal thoughts and more, or that I’m too scared and nervous to tell anyone or get a therapist
Im so depressed lately and i feel like everyone i love is slowly starting to realize that im not good enough and will leave like everyone does and I got new pet rats and im trying really hard and im obsessed with them but even they dont want to spend time with me. Whats so wrong with me? What have I done wrong? I genuinely hate myself so much. I really am just not worthy of love. Stupid puppyboy thought things could get better but really they cant. Im just broken and its my own fault. I shouldnt feel so bad all of the time. Im so sorry.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months. (I know that’s not very long, but it’s long enough for me to genuinely love him and hate the idea of losing him.) Now imagine how I react when I realize that I might not actually be a boy. But it’s not like that would potentially affect our relationship in the long-term, right?
That was at least three months ago. I haven’t told my boyfriend anything about this. At this point, I am doing nothing but delaying the inevitable.
whenever I wake up, I feel sleepy and feel like I need to mentally prepare for school, but I don't get time to like prepare for it mentally because my parents won't let me, they treat me like my only goal is to ruin their reputation as much as possible because they can't understand me, what makes it annoying is that I have to go to school not only to study subjects(basically I have to choose subjects in 11th and 12th grade that decide what I study in college but my parents chose what I study against my will so I can't study what I want in college)that are hard for me but subjects that I have no interest in because my parents think that they know about me better than me and my parents also want me to take care of my dad's company while treating my dream as a hobby, which makes it alot more harder to go to school because I know that im actively going against what I want
I FEAR NEEDLES MORE THAN I FEAR LOSING MY GF YET MY DENTIST INSISTS THAT AN IV IS THE ONLY WAY THEY DO ANESTHESIA FOR MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVAL TOMORROW AND I KNOW DAMN FUCKING WELL THEY HAVE ORAL ANESTHESIA MEDS THEY CAN PRESCRIBE ME BUT THEY REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF THEM AND JUST CHANGE THE TOPIC BACK TO THE IV AND HOW ITS EASY EVERY FUCKING TIME AND IM ACTUALLY GETTING PISSED AT EVERYTHING I WANT TO CRY I WISH I COULD HUG MY MOM AGAIN AND HEAR HER TELL ME ITL BE OKAY ONE LAST TIME