r/sillyboyclub

I fucking hate getting bombed. Tonight has been a particularly shitty one. The sound of missiles wouldn't stop for 10-15 consecutive minutes ( i assume it's because of the zircon missile which is hypersonic so you hear a sonic boom and then the sound of it flying for a few minutes). I'm just so fucking tired of this: i wake up in the middle of the night to my entire house shaking from shockwaves, my parents drag me down into the basement, i try to sleep in that damp dusty hole, once it stops we get out of there, i take my phone and see that another few random apartment buildings have been hit and a bunch of people have died and think about how some night I might be the one who ends up among them.

P.S. At least i finally have the opportunity to book the psychiatrist appointment for my transition, but so far I'm too anxious to actually do it.

P.S.2 idk how grammatically digestible this is its 5 AM

so uhhh I used to be part of a community on discord when I was younger(iykyk) cuz I was kinda attention starved nd wanted love and attention(it was before I got on reddit and met yall) and basically it was kinda like the wild west out there, I met alot of different kind of people with different personalities, some were really rude and some were pretty kind, I remember talking to a woman (she was 20 something years old) and like while she was a pxdophile, she like helped me alot emotionally when I was sad, she also taught me how I should be with people(something my own mother didn't teach me) and she generally taught me about alot of stuff nd kinda felt like another mother to me(my actual parents are kinda manipulative and abusive which I why I leaned on other people) but the thing that kinda bothered me is that even after all that I still knew she was a pxdophile nd like because I kinda didn't agree with their morals I like left that community, but I still kinda think about some of the people I met there to this day, because they were pretty nice people, literally everyone from that community that I talked to talks about how they went through a bunch of trauma, and maybe they turned out the way they did because of trauma, I wish they didn't turn out the way they did, I wish I could've met them somewhere that wasn't in that community, I wish they didn't go through the stuff they did, I wish they could just go to therapy without any problem

so i had to deal with legal issues a few months back over lots of bullshit and ive had a friend die this year along with others attempting all the time. i have almost not friends now or at least ones who wanna talk to me and im just mostly alone. this year i got hooked on vaping by constantly borrowing from a friend and now that i dont have that ive been trying to find any high i almost tried nutmeg, hell i got so low i almost smoked my cats catnip, but then i realized i have alcohol in my basement (for legal reasons i prob shouldnt say how old i am but im far from old enough to buy it myself) so ive been stealing bottles of rum, brandy, wiskey shit like that and just taking shots all night long because thats the only way i have to feel good or at least be "happy" for a bit. and i mean drinking my life away is probably more healthy than cutting my entire arm every night but they all still end in me feeling like shit and wanting to kms all the time (i have therapy but i refuse to tell them about any of my substance abuse so i can stay out of trouble)

idk how to end this

EDIT: I do have one friend who has been trying to get me to stop because they care a bit but i havent got to meet this friend in person yet i only know them through a friend but nonetheless i had to make a half assed promise to quit drinking but in reality all im doing is drinking a bit less and making it less known

so a while back I met this guy, and I had been talking to him for quite a while, we slowly became freinds, and so on. one day he kinda just asked me if we could start dating, and because he was very nice and admittedly kindof cute, I said yes. despite the fact that there were some things that definitely didn't click between us and even some things that were straight up kindpf just wrong between us, like for one he's 2 years younger than me, which I'm not entirely against, but it shows in conversation, like I can tell so easily that he's still just a kid in highschool, he's also across the ocean from me. like literally the only way we can hang out is through games, which is so awkward for me. and I really wish I never said yes to him, I was just trying to be open and try but I'm regretting it because I don't want to just back out and make him feel unspecial, and what's worse is he's going through an extremely rough time right now, he's been constantly hurting himself and trying to kill himself because of his abusive family, and even though he just got put into a temporary housing unit to get away from his family I'm worried he will just kill himself if I tell him I don't think this will work. I wish I never started this because I have NO clue how to navigate myself out of this.

I feel like such an asshole

Life is so hard and lonely. Sure i got online friends, but the amount of friends i had irl massively decreased with my graduation since i learned nobody at my school actually fucking liked me. Turns out they only tolerated me cause i was scary. (I allegedly look like a school shooter from my country due to my hair. My hair was long before that brat was even born.)

Whatever, so most of the ppl i know irl hated me and stopped talking to me besides a few ones, one of them being the boy i liked, who i was gonna confess in Pride month but i learned he was straight and that broke my lil hart.

I'll soend the summer cuddling my pillows, jerking off and playing games on PC ajd PlayStation. I wish the boy i liked would join me in doing those things. I'd love to spend time with him, he is such a cool dude. He has a huge and a really warm body, very huggable. Wish i could hug him tho, he is really ashamed of his own sexuality. I know he isn't straight, he is just coping. I was friends with him for five years. I know him.

He is just scared, like i was. All i hope is that the end of this road reaches me and him watching Chainsaw Man's next episode while cuddling in our bed with our cat.

So i'm 17 F and i've got above 90 grades in almost every exam I gave but that's where my big sis comes into the picture she always gets better marks as compared to me and my dad was a graduate from wharton b school which is the best business school in the world and he's currently working in McKinsey as a senior consultant and he always compares me to him and her and then makes me feel inferior and sometimes I think if I deserve them and so I might do bad things if I get less marks than her this semester I can't stand this....

well basically I kinda feel like am betraying ma parents cuz I wanna like follow ma dreams nd like be non-binary nd do what I like n stuff, but also ma parents don't want me to be like dat, ma parents buy me stuff I like nd they also buy me stuff even when I don't ask but like they're kinda doin all dis so dat I do what dey want me to do, but I want to follow ma own dreams n stuff, which basically means dat ill make ma parents really unhappy, but also they guilt trip me whenever I don't listen to them by saying they fed me alot or that they didn't have the luxuries I have when they were younger, so uhhh idk >_< they like want what's best for me but it kinda feels like they treat me like a tool more than a human

This is my fault I shouldn't have worn such short shorts. I had crossed my legs while on the train and she saw, and told me once we got home. At least she didn't seem angry, I would not have handled that well. So many questions. I asked her not to tell anyone else and she said she won't. I'm just tired

im so confused because im ftm nonbinary + a femboy (not like. the type of femboy that looks like a woman/is indistinguishable from one until they mention gender, i got top surgery + have been on testosterone for a bunch of years. but like, a feminine guy who likes to dress up as a girl occasionally) and i get approached by people who describe themselves like this online a lot

i have no idea what this means, genuinely cannot tell if they just see me as a woman or what. what is femininity? what is masculinity? how masculine am i allowed to be around these people, how much masculinity can they tolerate before they leave me? am i somehow misrepresenting myself???? often i feel like people only talk to me online because they can pretend im a woman while they wait for someone who's actually a girl to respond to their dms lol.

the guy i have a crush on describes himself like this do i just alt+f4 lol

I've been in therapy with her for more than a year now and we've never discussed medication. It's been a pretty rough few months and it's likely to get worse. I want to get out of this hell-hole.

Anyone who's/has been on meds that can tell me how they started and how it's going? I really need some encouragement and I'd appreciate some tips on how to tackle the matter with my therapist. Thanks to everyone who'll respond in any way 🫶🏻

I hope the suicide ideation thing is well done is the first time I do one of those.

I want to die. Right now. I feel like there is no "wanting to be alive but is hard" anymore, I just want to end. I want to rest. I'm tired. I can't think beyond me right now. Everything feels so stupid and tiny and useless, even the 9 months I've been medically transitioning.

I just don't want it to hurt anymore.

I got invited to a pool party for the 4th. The people that invited me know that I’m trans, but I boymoded in front of them yesterday because I didn’t know they knew (someone spread a rumor). My mom bought me a more feminine one-piece swimsuit to wear that I’d want to wear with some shorts. But I’m scared for a few reasons.

1-I don’t know how many people actually know that I’m trans. At least some do but I know that some don’t.

2-Even if they already know I’m trans, they still think I’m a boy. They would specifically refer to “the girls” as every other girl besides me, and there were a few comments from some people obviously signaling that they say me as a boy. It’s probably my own fault because I boymoded, but after that I tried to make an effort not to be seen as a man.

3-I don’t want to be the center of attention. It might be self-centered of me to go to the party wearing something more feminine and go as a girl, and I don’t want to ruin the party by being a jerk.

4-I know my dad would be more comfortable if I just went as a boy. He’s accepting, but my identity still makes him uncomfortable and I can tell he’d rather I was just his son.

Boymoding yesterday at the hangout was really painful and dysphoric for me. I don’t want to do it again. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can handle going as a girl and dealing with everyone who doesn’t know.

I wish I could’ve just been a girl from the start. I wouldn’t have to deal with the overwhelming dysphoria from being in a man body. I wouldn’t have to tell people I was a girl. People could just see me as a girl. My dad would just be okay with having another daughter. Why couldn’t I just be a girl :(

my boyfriend broke up with me for the third time after he came begging back to me 8 months later. As if things weren't bad enough all this had to happen again. Threw up 7 times since last night, last time he did this I ended up attempting several times. And this time I cant even blame him for anything because I live in a stupid fucking queerphobic third world shithole and apparently his parents somehow found out. I genuinely want to be dead right now, I feel sick to my stomach. I want to gouge my ugly eyes out and rip my putrid skin off. If there's a god out there I hope that cunt knows how much I hate him

Its absurd that everyone around me cannot understand the concept of "lack of appetite". I dont like eating, it makes me feel bad, its a horrible experience overall and its enforced by people like a life-death situation if I dont wanna lunch. People seem to not understand and then just force me to eat via passive-agressive sugestions that really are orders. And then Im forced into this unconfortable scenario where I need to distract myself from the act of eating food so I can keep going and try to cope with it. Not even my friends, the people whom I thought were trying to make me feel confortable around them, just start lecturing me about benefits, why its good for you etc. Yes, I dont want to keep this ambulant almalgamation of meat and testosterone that just cannot seem to die already alive, I hate the feeling of the food going down my throat and into my stomach so then It can be turned into energy to keep this horrendous being alive. But people just cannot understand.

Sooo, I'm not used to venting online, but since I basically don't have anyone to vent about it, I'll just post it here. About a week ago, a guy texted me on the dating app, inviting me to a date on this Saturday. I had no plans for that day, so I thought why not give it a shot, I've never been on a date. We've talked some time on this week and I thought he was cute, so I even decided to make a small gift, just for the funs. Meeting place was like 2 hours away from me, so I decided to give up my whole day for it, get up early, buy a gift and then drive therea little early, just to be sure. When I came, I've tried texting him and... Oh well, I got blocked both on discord and dating app, without him saying a single word. Now I need to drive all the way back with a gift no one to give to :3. Probably gonna hop in store and grab some beer today. Maybe I was naive by agreeing to meet up a guy I barely know, but I thought he'd at least show up

I don't think my friends are doing anything wrong, but I still end up feeling hurt.

I have pretty bad social anxiety, so joining a voice chat with a bunch of people is really difficult for me. Most of the time I just can't bring myself to join. Because of that, I end up missing a lot of conversations and moments they have together.

What hurts the most isn't even that they're in VC, it's that I often don't know it's happening until much later, or I don't know what everyone's talking about afterward... It makes me feel left out, and I end up getting jealous even though I know they aren't trying to exclude me.

I hate feeling this way because I know my jealousy isn't really about them doing something wrong. It's mostly frustration with my own anxiety and the fact that it keeps getting in the way of spending time with people I care about

(Online friends btw)

im 16M,was exposed to alcoholism from my mother and heavy drug abuse by my brother ever since i was like 9,back then i was too young to understand why were they stumbling home and throwing up everyday,i thought they were sick so i always made them tea and bring them blankets when they passed out

it started with normal stuff when i was 13-14, little alcohol,smokes n stuff,by my mid 14 i was already a full blown alcoholic,benzo addict and more because i learned to cope that way with absolutely unspeakable things i saw and experienced,that was about the time i started to SH heavily to the point where my arm looked like an angry toddler drew on it with a red crayon, lmao

by 15 i have tried mdma,speed,4-5 diff benzos,GHB(which i ODd on and my mother found me barely breathing with sweat LITERALLY soaked THROUGH the mattress which is about a little less than a foot thick),cocaine,weed and synth cannabinoids,tramadol,suboxone, morphine,LSD and LSA and probably more

i am not addicted to a single thing but whatever i can get, everything i do(like going to school) is just so i can get lunch money to buy drugs,i literally starve all day till i come home,which is sometimes untill 2pm, sometimes till 8pm depending on if it starts in the morning or afternoon

i cant even go to rehab or speak about it because i would just get punished,even as im writing this i did a whole g of coke in one go like 2 hours ago

its ruining my relationships,me,my future and everything else,the only time im a functional member of society is when i dont have money to buy drugs

i got no idea what to do or when this will stop(maybe when i finally fatally OD lmao) but for now we rollin >_<