u/Good_Curve_545

whenever I wake up, I feel sleepy and feel like I need to mentally prepare for school, but I don't get time to like prepare for it mentally because my parents won't let me, they treat me like my only goal is to ruin their reputation as much as possible because they can't understand me, what makes it annoying is that I have to go to school not only to study subjects(basically I have to choose subjects in 11th and 12th grade that decide what I study in college but my parents chose what I study against my will so I can't study what I want in college)that are hard for me but subjects that I have no interest in because my parents think that they know about me better than me and my parents also want me to take care of my dad's company while treating my dream as a hobby, which makes it alot more harder to go to school because I know that im actively going against what I want

I have like really bad parents who used to be alot worse nd cuz of it im kinda mentally unwell, and tbh I genuinely wanna drain all my bloòd out and sleep permanently, but also I have people online who love me and want me to live, but there are also people online who hate me, and it's genuinely sooo annoying because living is just too hard for me, especially cuz im bad at school and don't wanna go at all, but also my parents will do anything to make sure I get a degree, I just want to dié and be free from all that pressure but also I have people who genuinely want me to live, but the thing is that all of them are online, which means that they can provide me a little bit of emotional support and motivation but can't really like hug me or anything, and it's driving me insane cuz I genuinely need a hug, and I am soo friggin annoyed cuz I don't have much of a reason to live, but also dying means that I let down the people I love

idk why but I feel like im just not built for school, like recently it's just been so friggin hard to wake up and go to school, I mean maybe part of the reason why that it's hard is because I didn't get to choose what I study(basically I get to choose what I study in 11th grade but my parents chose what I study instead nd da stuff my parents decided that I would study are subjects I have no interest in) but like in general I am like tired as hecc on mornings nd like going to school feels like a friggin herculean task for some reason even if I wanted to, what's even more annoying is that ma parents nd ma school are angry as hecc with me which isn't really doing much other than stressing me out and giving me a little bit of anxiety, I lowkey just wanna eep sooo friggin badly T_T

so uhhh I used to be part of a community on discord when I was younger(iykyk) cuz I was kinda attention starved nd wanted love and attention(it was before I got on reddit and met yall) and basically it was kinda like the wild west out there, I met alot of different kind of people with different personalities, some were really rude and some were pretty kind, I remember talking to a woman (she was 20 something years old) and like while she was a pxdophile, she like helped me alot emotionally when I was sad, she also taught me how I should be with people(something my own mother didn't teach me) and she generally taught me about alot of stuff nd kinda felt like another mother to me(my actual parents are kinda manipulative and abusive which I why I leaned on other people) but the thing that kinda bothered me is that even after all that I still knew she was a pxdophile nd like because I kinda didn't agree with their morals I like left that community, but I still kinda think about some of the people I met there to this day, because they were pretty nice people, literally everyone from that community that I talked to talks about how they went through a bunch of trauma, and maybe they turned out the way they did because of trauma, I wish they didn't turn out the way they did, I wish I could've met them somewhere that wasn't in that community, I wish they didn't go through the stuff they did, I wish they could just go to therapy without any problem

well basically I kinda feel like am betraying ma parents cuz I wanna like follow ma dreams nd like be non-binary nd do what I like n stuff, but also ma parents don't want me to be like dat, ma parents buy me stuff I like nd they also buy me stuff even when I don't ask but like they're kinda doin all dis so dat I do what dey want me to do, but I want to follow ma own dreams n stuff, which basically means dat ill make ma parents really unhappy, but also they guilt trip me whenever I don't listen to them by saying they fed me alot or that they didn't have the luxuries I have when they were younger, so uhhh idk >_< they like want what's best for me but it kinda feels like they treat me like a tool more than a human

am forced to study wat I don't wanna study so that ill study what I don't like in college T_T, nd my parents want me to go to school everyday because I don't have any other choice T_T I just wanna be happi nd rest, atleast if im forced to go to school everyday let me study something I want T_T

idk what to do anymore, I don't have the drive to go to school at all nd like my parents r angry at me for not goin to school that much, so idk, I wish I could just go to a better home nd get adopted by better parents or something

well I(16NB) had some hope left that I might be able to run away n stuff in the future after like studying wat I wanna study nd my dad literally made sure to crush even the teeny tiny bit of hope I ever had, and because of it, I am gonna attempt to(and hopefully succeed at) permanently deleting my save file forever because tbh I have nothing to live for, I just want to say sorry for the people who wanted me to continue living, but I also want to thank them for trying their best to help me n stuff :3

so ye love all of yall :3 mwah :3

I(16NB) just can't handle all of this, I just wanna rest and actually do stuff I wanna do, but I can't cuz im forced to go to school and study stuff I don't want to study for my parents(basically my parents chose what I study against my will because they want me to study what they want in college) nd friggin all of this is makin me tired in every way, it feels like im going insane, I just wish I could be at peace

I just can't take it, my parents don't care about me as much as they care about what I can do, they want me to study things im not interested in for their benefit, they want me to work for them in the future so they can relax, yet they don't want to listen to what I have to say because they think they know better than me about myself, they force me to go to school but they never ask my why I don't want to go, one day I went to the doctor with my mom cuz of a stomach ache nd like after like inspecting me n stuff the doctor called my mom alone nd said something to her, days later I found out that the doctor said that I needed antidepressants for my depression, nd she told me abt it in a way that sounded like something was wrong with me and that it was my fault, im tired, I don't care what they think anymore, I just want to rest, forever, not worrying abt anything, I just wanna lay there, think about all the times I was happy nd the times I had ppl w me that made me happy, and then slowly drift off to my permanent sleep