I’m 14. I’m friendless. Ima creep. Why do I EXUST I HATE MYSELF. I should be enjoying life, hanging out with friends. But instead I’m here SH myself. WHY? WHY am I such an attention seeker why do I have to exist
My dog, his name is Skip, is 14 years old. I’ve had him since I was 4 and he was 4. But he’s old. And his breeds only let him live up to 14-15 years, we think he doesn’t even have a year left. We think he’s partially blind and nearly deaf. He pees in the house at night because he doesn’t even know, and he walks so slow. Hell sometimes just stare into space and fall asleep without completely laying his head down.
I’m so scared I’m gonna wake up one morning and just find him dead. I don’t want my boy gone. He lets me hold his paws without pulling away, he lets me hug him as long as I need to, he lets me sob on him. He always sits right by me in front of the couch or by it, nowhere else unless I’m in my mom’s bedroom or mine.
Everyone fucking leaves me when I need them and now it’s him. I know I have another dog, miso, but I haven’t bonded with her like I have Skip. I don’t want him gone, not yet.
a couple of months ago I (17m) participated in a youth camp for people interested in a specific career (forgive me, I’m being intentionally vague). there I met someone involved in said career that broke a lot of norms, this particular career carries a lot of stigma if you don’t fit the mould. he is a member of the lgbt community (I am too) and is open about it, among other factors that make him stand out. he is a trailblazer within the local community. he is in a role where I have been able to see him even after the camp concluded. because of him I have been able to conclude that this career is for me, and that I may be able to fit into it despite being a queer person. he also has helped me with some mental health issues (doing so is applicable to his role within the career) because I had a rough go after the camp was over for several reasons. because of these factors combined I have become very attached to the idea of him, almost wishing that he could be a friend but also obviously he can’t be?? he is double my age and is strictly in a mentor position in my life. he has indicated that I can reach out to him whenever he is working but is highly professional about it. the obsession is (thankfully) one-sided, not that I’ve asked him. he is just incredibly professional and I always reach out to him, not the other way around.
I want to stop feeling this way about him while still being grounded in the idea of this being a potential career. this is a gross feeling to carry around and my parents have even discussed that he seems to have had a strange amount of impact on my life for no apparent reason. I want to let go and let my own feelings contribute to my thoughts about my future career as opposed to a guy who I guarantee is never thinking about me lol. (just to clarify for the rules sake, this is not an abusive or exploitative situation!)
also I know the career is likely easy to guess if you wanted to but I am so fearful of anyone I know (or God forbid the mentor) finding this post. thank you for reading, it feels good to get this out there
Im 19f been through a good bit in life but it could have been worse. I can't afford therapy but still don't qualify for Medicaid. I don't have friends I struggle to maintain relationships my family has issues of their own and don't know how to help me or want to take the time. I need someone I can talk to and help me understand myself so I can fix what I need to. Thank you
I'm a 13M and I can't stop crying whenever I get yelled at by my mom or anyone, like for today she yelled at me for not cleaning myself properly, going as far out to call me dirty. This has happened multiple times before with my mom, I barely cry since I'm afraid to be called bayot (gay in bisaya), or something not masculine, but whenever I get like a strong feeling to cry I just can't stop, I started talking to my close friend about my mental health and she really helps by just listening. I'm trying my best to improve my mental health but my mom can't stop getting angry at me for small and big problems like studying and stuff, she gets really mad and starts yelling loudly, idk how to improve with her constantly yelling at me. I'm scared to talk to her about this, I'm scared that she will go on another yelling spree and telling me that I'm ungrateful, I just wish she had the emotional intelligence to stop and listen without yelling, I barely even talk back to her and I try my hardest to be the best, which she sees my efforts and appreciates it, though not very well, if I get a good score she would not be as happy I expect her to be, i just wish my mom can just stop and listen.
TL;DR: This is going to be long. I'm sorry. I don't know who else to talk to because everyone in my life has already told me to leave him, and I can't make myself do it. I need strangers to tell me what I already know, because maybe I'll finally listen.
Five weeks ago I met this guy, let's call him Jim, he's 18, he's a boxer, he's so handsome and I don't know what happened to me but I fell for him so fast and so hard that it doesn't even feel real, like I look back at who I was before him and I don't recognize that person, I don't remember what it felt like to not have my entire day revolve around whether or not he texted me back, whether or not he's mad at me, whether or not I'm about to lose him. I hadn't felt anything for anyone in years. Years. I've had guys want to be with me and I tried so hard to feel something for them and I just couldn't, it was like I was broken or something, like everyone else got to have these big feelings and I was just numb, and then Jim walked into my life and suddenly I wasn't numb anymore, suddenly I was feeling everything all at once and it was overwhelming and terrifying and I thought that meant it was real, I thought that meant he was the one, because why else would my body react like this, why else would my heart literally hurt when he doesn't answer me.
At first it was good. Or I thought it was good. We met through instagram and two days later he came to my pro wrestling class to meet me, he didn't have to do that, nobody's ever done that for me, he offered to come to my graduation because I don't have anyone to go with, my mom's an alcoholic and she's not going to be there and he knew that and he offered and I melted, I completely melted because someone was finally seeing me, someone was finally choosing me. We liked the same video games and the same sports and the same movies and he asked me about things I liked that he didn't know anything about and he actually listened, he actually seemed interested, and I was so starved for that kind of attention that I just soaked it all up without questioning anything.
The first time we hung out alone we kissed and it turned into this long makeout session and I was into it but then he grabbed me by the throat while we were kissing and I froze for a second because it scared me, we barely knew each other and he had his hand around my neck and it wasn't hard enough to hurt but it was hard enough to remind me that he could hurt me if he wanted to, that he was stronger than me, that I was vulnerable, and I told myself I was being dramatic, I told myself it was just a kink thing or whatever, people do that, it's fine, I'm overreacting, I'm too sensitive, I need to stop making everything a big deal.
He also told me early on that he had hit an ex once but that they were playing and it wasn't on purpose and I should've run, I know I should've run, any sane person would've run but I didn't run because he was looking at me with these eyes and telling me I was different and I wanted so badly to be different, I wanted so badly to be the girl who was worth being good for, and I convinced myself that he was just being honest with me, that he was trusting me with something vulnerable, and isn't that what intimacy is, isn't that what love is, sharing the ugly parts and being accepted anyway. That's what I told myself. That's what I still tell myself sometimes when I can't sleep at night.
The second time we hung out we were walking and this dog just started barking at him like crazy, like snarling and lunging and the hair on its back was up and I got this horrible feeling in my gut, this primal fear that I couldn't explain, and I looked at Jim and he was just standing there and laughed saying “this fkn dog thinks i’m scared” like it was nothing and I thought maybe the dog was just crazy but then I thought about what dogs sense that humans can't, about how animals can smell danger on people, and I got scared but I pushed it down because I didn't want to be that girl, I didn't want to be the paranoid girl who ruins everything because of a bad feeling, because what if I was wrong, what if I threw away something real because I was scared of nothing, and I couldn't live with that, I couldn't live with being the reason it didn't work out.
By the second week I was already falling and falling hard and he was texting me constantly and talking to me all the time and I felt like I was finally alive after years of being half-asleep, like he had woken something up in me that I didn't even know was there, and then the hitting started. He would throw punches at the air because he's a boxer and then he would throw them at me and they weren't hard enough to leave marks but they were hard enough to sting, hard enough to remind me every single time that he could do damage if he wanted to, and I would flinch and he would laugh and I would laugh too because what else was I supposed to do, what was I supposed to say, hey can you stop pretending to hit me because it actually terrifies me, no, I couldn't say that, I couldn't risk him thinking I was weak or dramatic or too sensitive, so I laughed and I took it and I told myself it was just his sense of humor, just boy stuff, just roughhousing.
One day I actually worked up the courage to tell him to stop hitting me and he looked at me and said "If I hit you for real you'll end up on the floor crying" and something in his voice when he said it, something cold and casual and absolutely certain, scared the shit out of me, like my whole body went cold and my stomach dropped and for a second I saw exactly what he would look like if he wasn't pretending, if he was actually angry, and I was terrified but I chose to believe he was joking because the alternative was too horrible to think about, the alternative meant that I was alone in a room with someone who could destroy me and I was letting him, I was inviting him in, and I couldn't face that so I laughed and I said you're crazy and I changed the subject and I pretended my hands weren't shaking.
That same week he told me there was a gang that wanted to kill him because his ex made up some story about him hitting her and he swore it wasn't true and I believed him, I don't know why I believed him but I did, my heart just chose to believe him and my brain couldn't override it because my brain was already so twisted up in him that I couldn't think straight about anything, everything that came out of his mouth I just absorbed and accepted because questioning it meant risking losing him and I couldn't lose him, I couldn't, I had just found him, I had just started feeling again after years of nothing and I couldn't go back to that emptiness, I would rather be scared with him than empty without him.
He started asking me for sex and I'm a virgin by choice, I've had so many opportunities, so many guys who wanted me and I just didn't want them back, not like that, I'm a hopeless romantic and I've always been serious about waiting for the right person and I thought maybe he was the right person because of how I felt about him but something in me was still saying no, something in me was still holding back, and I couldn't tell if that was my intuition protecting me or my fear sabotaging something good, and I still don't know, I still can't tell the difference between self-preservation and self-sabotage and it's driving me insane.
Two weeks after we met we went to the cinema and he was touching me and I didn't stop him because I liked him and I wanted him to want me and we ended up in the public bathroom and I know this is disgusting and I'm sorry but I need to say it exactly how it happened because I need someone to understand how confused I am, how fucked up my head is right now. He put his fingers inside me and I said no at first, I said no, but he kept insisting and pushing and looking at me like I was hurting him by saying no, like I was being cruel and unreasonable, and I was so tired of fighting, so tired of being the difficult girl, the prude, the one who can't just relax and have fun, so I said yes and I let him and it hurt so bad, I wasn't ready, I wasn't wet, I had never even done that to myself and it felt like I was being ripped open and I wanted to cry but I didn't because I didn't want to ruin it, I didn't want to make him feel bad, I didn't want him to think I was broken or frigid or whatever, so I just laid there and took it and tried to look like I was enjoying it and then right after we got out of the bathroom he looked at me and said "I love you" for the first time and I felt like I was going to explode, like my heart was too big for my chest, like all the pain and confusion of the last twenty minutes didn't matter because he loved me, he actually loved me, and I had never felt that before, I had never had someone look at me like that and say those words and mean them, or at least I thought he meant them, I still don't know if he meant them, I go back and forth every single day and it's killing me.
Week three and the pattern just kept going, the joking hits that weren't jokes, the pressure for sex that never let up, and then he told me he wanted to be with me by all means unless I fucked him up and I asked him what that meant and he said don't sue him like his ex did and I felt sick, I felt physically sick because what does that mean, what did he do to his ex that she sued him, why is everyone in his past accusing him of violence, and I knew, I knew in my gut that there was something wrong, but I couldn't make myself leave, I couldn't make myself walk away from the only person who had made me feel alive in years.
We were in a supermarket bathroom and I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to do anything, but we were there and he was touching me and then he tried to put it in and I said no, I said no multiple times, and he didn't have a condom and I said no and he said it wasn't necessary because he has no STDs and I said no and he kept insisting and pushing and I was against the wall and he was bigger than me and stronger than me and he was about to do it and I was frozen, I was completely frozen, and then somebody knocked on the door and we had to leave and I have never been so relieved in my entire life, I literally wanted to fall to my knees and thank God or the universe or whoever was looking out for me in that moment.
Outside he was annoyed, he was actually annoyed at me because I didn't want to have sex with him, like I had done something wrong, like I was being difficult and unfair, and I told him I wasn't going to have sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend and he said we don't know each other enough to date and I said then we don't know each other enough to have sex and I thought that was the end of it, I thought he would get mad and leave and I was already bracing myself for the heartbreak, already planning how I would survive without him, and then ten minutes later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes because I loved him, I loved him so much it physically hurt, and I thought this would fix everything, I thought if I was his girlfriend then all the pressure would stop, then he would be gentle with me, then he would love me the way I needed to be loved.
Things got worse.
That same week we went to his best friend's birthday party and my mom was drinking because I wasn't home, she's an alcoholic and she gets vicious when she drinks, and she was calling me and saying horrible things and I had a full anxiety attack in front of everyone and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop shaking and Jim just looked at me like I was embarrassing him. I had told him I would quit smoking for him, he didn't like it when I smoked, and I lied, I still smoke two packs a day because I'm a mess and smoking is the only thing that calms me down sometimes, and that day I smoked an entire pack in front of him because I was spiraling and he got so mad, so cold and distant and angry, and he wanted to have sex that night too and I said no and I had started giving him handjobs by then because I thought maybe if I did other things he would stop pressuring me for sex but it wasn't enough, it was never enough, and he was so so mad at me and I felt like I had ruined everything, like I was too broken and too difficult and too much work and he was going to leave me and it would be all my fault.
During all of this every single one of my friends including my wrestling coach told me to leave him, they said he's a bad person and a bad influence and he's only going to hurt me and I didn't listen, I didn't listen to any of them because they didn't understand, they didn't understand what it felt like to finally feel something after years of numbness, they didn't understand that I would rather be hurt by him than feel nothing without him, and I told myself I wasn't leaving because I was scared of what he might do to me if I left and that was partly true, I am scared of him, I've seen what he's capable of, but the real truth is I don't want to live without him, I'm so attached to him in this way that doesn't make any logical sense, I think about him when I wake up and I think about him when I go to sleep and when we're not talking I feel like I'm drowning, like I can't get enough air, like the world is gray and flat and meaningless and he's the only thing that makes it colorful and I know that sounds insane, I know it sounds like I'm dependent and codependent and whatever else but I can't help it, I can't make it stop, I've tried and I can't.
My mom threatened to kill me and then kill herself if I don't leave him and when she's drunk she doesn't listen to anything I say so I just shut down and take it because what else can I do.
Jim introduced me to his friends and he's nicer to me around them, he puts on this act like he's so sweet and protective and I'm his perfect girlfriend and then when we're alone it's like I'm a completely different person to him, like I'm just this annoying obstacle between him and sex, like I'm only worth something when I'm making him feel good, and when we're not doing sexual stuff he's horrible to me, he's cold and critical and makes me feel small and stupid and I just take it because I don't want to lose the version of him that his friends see, the version that I fell for, and I keep waiting for that version to come back, I keep thinking if I just do this right or say this right or give him what he wants then he'll be sweet again, then he'll look at me the way he did in the beginning, and sometimes he does for like five minutes and it's enough to keep me hooked, it's enough to make me think it's working, that I'm finally doing it right.
He told me he's leaving on June 28th for another city for three months because his dad is forcing him to go and my friends begged me to break up with him once he was gone and I haven't, I can't, I talk to him every day and I miss him so much it feels like my chest is caving in and I know that sounds pathetic and I know I should be using this time to get away from him but I can't, I physically cannot make myself do it, I've tried to imagine my life without him and I just see this endless gray nothing and it terrifies me more than he does.
The last day we hung out before he left I got on the wrong bus and got lost in the city and I called him because I didn't know where I was and I was scared and he called me dumb and stupid and said I had to figure it out myself because I'm so fucking stupid and I just sat there on the phone listening to him tear me apart and I still wanted him, I still wanted him to come find me, I still thought if he came and saved me it would mean he loved me, it would prove something. When I finally got to him we made up in the bathroom because that's how we always make up now, through sexuak stuff, through me giving him what he wants, and I asked him to ride the bus home with me because I had been harassed the day before and I was terrified of being alone on public transport and he said "if you suck my dick I'll go with you" and I didn't want to, I really didn't want to, but I did it because I was scared and I wanted him to protect me and I thought maybe if I did this one thing he would see that I love him, that I'm worth keeping, that he should choose me.
He didn't come with me.
He left a bruise on me that day too and I don't even remember how it happened, I just remember looking down at my arm and seeing it and feeling nothing, like I was outside my own body watching this happen to someone else. I slapped him at some point, I don't even remember why, and he said "the last girl who did that ended up crying" and there was this threat in his voice, this promise, and I was terrified but also weirdly relieved because at least he was being honest, at least I knew where I stood, at least I wasn't being gaslit for five seconds. And yeah he didn’t hit me back.
Now he's been gone a week and we got into a huge fight because I posted a video of me and my wrestling friend doing a move where my legs were wrapped around his face and his hands were on my legs and Jim went absolutely fucking nuclear, he's threatening to break up with me because he doesn't trust me and he says I'm cheating and I told him my friend is gay but he's not, I lied, I fucking lied because I'm so exhausted from having to explain every single thing I do, every person I talk to, every move I make, and I just wanted him to stop yelling at me for five minutes, I just wanted some peace, and now he's thinking about breaking up with me and we barely spoke yesterday and today we only talked because I told him my mom had beaten me and he just gave me some advice and that was it, no I love you, no I'm sorry, just advice like I'm some random person asking for help.
And I'm sitting here losing my mind because part of me knows this is bad, part of me knows this is so fucked up and wrong and I should run and never look back but there's this other part of me, this loud screaming part, that says I'm exaggerating, that says I'm being dramatic, that says every relationship has problems and I'm just too sensitive and too difficult and if I was a better girlfriend none of this would be happening, and that part is so loud, it's so fucking loud, and it tells me that I can't live without him, that I'll never feel this way about anyone else, that this is my one chance at love and I'm blowing it by being too picky and too prudish and too broken, and I don't know which voice is real anymore, I don't know if I'm the girl who needs to run or the girl who needs to try harder, and I'm so tired, I'm so fucking tired of not knowing what's real.
Please. Someone tell me the truth. Not what I want to hear. What I need to hear. Because I can't trust my own head anymore and I'm scared and I'm alone and I don't know what to do.
Today we’ve barely spoken he’s told me that I have fucked up and that he can’t trust me bc I technically cheated on him (js bc I hung out with a friend whom he thinks is gay) and yeah it’s obvious he doesn’t want to talk to me bc he thinks I’m a cheater.
Idk if anyone cares, but I've been focusing on my mental health a lot this year. It's been really hard and sometimes I'm still struggling, but I actually found reasons to live. I found new hobbies that I'm actually good at, I feel like I got even closer with my friends and I also focused a little bit more on my religion which really helped me through the hard times. I also stopped being constantly insecure! Finally, after some years I will be able to enjoy my summer like I did back then. I know that this might not be the best subreddit to post this on, but I feel like I just needed to share this with someone even if it meant sharing it online.
I don't want this to be long, so I'll try to shorten this as much as I can.
I'm 16, and for a while now, I've understood how my aunt has been. When I was around 12, my cousin, (aunt's daughter) died due to mysterious illnesses and organ failure. She was a bright, young uni-student with a soon to be wed with fiancé. Ever since cousin passed, her mental health deteriorated and Uncle left her, not officially divorcing but cutting all contact.
Her son is now starting his own family and it seems that he doesn't really seem to care for her. She's a bit of a religious coot now and has been for a while. Today, me, my father and mother and aunt were visiting my grandmother on the country side. Something snapped and my aunt had a breakdown. She vented to me about injuries she kept hidden and it's obvious she needs help, not just physically but mentally too. Nobody in my family cares, not even her own son, he thinks she's just a bother. I hate my life already and I don't want my aunt to suffer in he's too. If she ended herself, ended up bad in a mental hospital / ward, died. I think I would just commit.
I don't know what to do. No, I can't and will not talk about it to my parents nor relatives.
This is kind of a rant/ramble so this will prolly look jumbled
I‘m 17 now and I feel like I wasted all my teen years.
I always envy my peers who have had great and fulfilling teenage years. Whenever I see people posting online having fun and hanging out with a lot of friends, I just wish I could be them. I don’t have many friends and I barely ever leave my house for things other than school. I never feel like I fit in with anyone around me, even with others who like the same things as me. I’ve tried so hard to fit in, but I never say or do the right things. Ive always hated myself so much that I try to fit in and change myself to make people like me, but all I do is end up annoying and hurting people.
Ive also struggled with depression, anxiety, and transness for all my teen years, and it’s held me back from so much. I’ve never had the courage to come out to everyone and I regret it. I also suppress my personality in general, because I’m afraid that everyone will stop talking to me. I’ve been living my life as a lie out of fear this whole time.
I’m almost an adult and I’ve just wasted all of my time. The worst part is, I genuinely don’t see anything good in my future either.
God all I wanna do is kill myself
I do almost every sin
Lust
Greed
Gluttony
Pride
Sloth
Envy
Wrath
I'm so tired I sometimes beg god just to take me as I don't get why I'm here I feel so empty and tired
It's almost as if a empty glass that cracked
I had tried to find my other half
But most people want more of a body then a soul
It's pitiful truly
All I want in life is to feel that warmth I felt
I felt it when I was walking back home oneday from the house my mom was dog sitting at
When I had walked down the steps a lil dogs tounge had greeted me as it's owner was walking it it was so excited to see me even though I'm a stranger I pet it it felt so warm
That day was so bright beautiful
And wonderful
Somedays I wonder how others must feel to miss such beauty as I'm inside almost daily
I always believed being on your device takes away from so much beauty of nature that's sacred
That's why I wish I respected and loved myself more
That's why I guess deep down I wish I actually saw myself as a human instead of a sinful monster I really do dislike it sometimes
This version of myself is so empty a well that's dried up
I remember I always used to be positive and bounce back now I'm just a mess and tired
I wish I could smoke and do something to drown how I feel but my god could I write so many poems of how depressed I am
I also sometimes believe I have other people inside me as I blank out or zone out or lose balance sometimes or often
It's rather tiring lol
Now why I'm here if anyone has advice or a way to get out of this or something or relates? Eh lmk
Might as well reedits a pretty neat place sometimes
hi guys, i’m 16 and i’ve been addicted to this kind of stuff since i was probably about nine years old so as you can imagine ive grown to be obsessed with it as much as i hate it, it started out small with porn and stuff but when i got to be 13 i needed more, but i also wanted love, after obviously not finding it i gave up and just wanted sex, so i started going on snapchat and adding girls to try and get n*des and do other disgusting shit, , it’s completely torn my life apart and ive hated myself for the past three or four years of my life, i want to be rid of this horrible disease but it feels like its so deeply ingrained in my soul that i can’t get it out, last year though, i stopped, i met this girl, she was the loml, she was my first time for everything and it felt like she genuinely understood me, but she couldn’t trust anything i said because her ex would say the same things, and he cheated on her all the time, i miss her so much and have no idea what to do, after what happened i can’t fall in love with anybody even though it’s been a whole year, after what happened, i completely gave up on love as much as i didnt want to, i only wanted sex from then on, i dated a girl just for sex and i think my ex that i was still rlly in love with found out, i was so mad at the whole situation that i told one of my exes friends that she was an evil person and that she shouldn’t be friends with her, for the longest time i told myself the lie that she was evil and that i could do no wrong which was really dumb, sometimes after we broke up we would talk and ask eachother how we’re doing but it hurt to talk to her, so we promised to talk again on my birthday, which she ended up ghosting me on probably bc of everything i said to her friend, i don’t know what to do i still love her so much and i still add girls for sex stuff, please help me.
I hate it i hate it i hate it im 16 and after summer i start my last year in high school and its so depressing we don't do shit there, my friends are also bums and dont want to anywhere
I have a final math exam on monday and I haven't fucking started to study because my sleep schedule has been so ass its 7:15 am now and i haven't slept all night.
I took a break from professional volleyball back in 8th grade and i still havent come back. I want to start game development
BUT I DON'T DO FUCKING SHIT I JUST STAY HOME AND PLAY GAMES I HATE MYSELF I HATE IT I'm fucking done with this shit
Give me 3 weeks im going to be someone people glaze.
Edit: im just so angry with myself and frustrated with this life
Recently me and my dad have been butting heads a lot more than usual. He's verbally abusive and constantly gaslights me making me often feel alone and wanting to isolate myself completely from everyone. His girlfriend lives with us, and everytime he's upset she supports him by either ignoring me like he does or just completely leaving me in the dark of why she's mad (and it'll literally have nothing to do with her.) Going back, I wanted to settle things with my dad so I wrote him a kind letter to express my gratitude for him. Backfiring, he told me thank you but also informed me in an attempt to victimize himself that he read my "other" letter for him which was my diary on my bed. It was faced a way where you could only see swear words but no evidence of who it was about of information of who it was about. While I was out that day him and his girlfriend decided to pick it up and go through the whole thing (confirmed it in real life) I just don't even know how to feel. I'm assuming as they want me to feel ashamed since I wrote what I wrote but it was simply to relieve my emotions.
Im 13 I know I'm not supposed to be on this app but I need help. If no one can help me by Monday I'm killing myself. I've been depressed since four, my dad left in September, and my mom has been fucking a guy I don't even know and lying to my face and I can't take it anymore.
I fucking hate my scars so much I hate them. Self harming in the moment helped but now I’m clean I just hate how I have to live with these scars for the rest of my life and I hate it. Every time I go out I just feel people staring at my arm whether I’m going for a walk or going to the gym I hate it. I can’t wear certain t shirts without being started at now and I hate it. Every-time I’m in the shower i look down at my left arm and I just see the consequences of me being a chud who couldnt deal with his emotions and had to result in self harm. I hate my scars and I hate myself for even doing it in the first place
I am 15 years old . And I weigh around 108 kg . I am 5'3 . I wish to be loved. I have parents. They should be punished . Anyway. I am dark skinned....fat . Ugly.
I hate to break this to you. I don't know why Birthdays are never celebrated. Just a cake and buying me clothes 'sometimes' because I think birthdays come 7 or 8 times a year and my parents only missed this 'one' . Idk. When I turned 14 ....I had a lot of hopes for my birthday...but what I got is totally pathetic.
And btw I am not a spoiled brat but that does not mean I don't expect things . We are living a very comfortable life . So it's not a money problem.
On my 14th birthday you know what new clothes I wore? No. I didn't. Because my mother 'forgot' to buy me birthday clothes. Yes it's totally my fault that I was born on that day though I reminded them 4 days ago. I need to remind? Wow.
My cake? Stale from the previous day in the bakery . Then bought for me. Not my choice. nothing.
My gifts are excellent!! My mother gave me nothing since she bought the damn stale cake. Of course.
My father's gift?! One dollar chocolate.
Very nice right? Isn't it? It was never about the cake or the chocolate or the clothes. I told her to go to a restaurant to do dinner. She said no. Because my sister was not here as she is in another city. So no. She said it is postponed. But I don't know when it is gonna be held because it had been almost over 2 years and my sister has been here quite a few times.
On my 13th birthday? Oh god . My mother and sister gifted me a cheap doll. I hated it so much and a bag with such low quality. Oh god.. perhaps the most it will be ...it couldn't be more than 2 dollars. We still didn't go to the restaurant even when I asked .
Both on my 12th , 13th , 14th and 15th birthday my father did not wish me happy birthday. Perhaps I don't deserve it.
On my 15th birthday both gave me nothing but yeah I got a cake of my choice that they didn't like. Yes!!!
And now my birthday is coming....my heart craves...to its own right of soul to get a good birthday.... please lord. Please.....I want a good birthday too. I want presents and a good day too!!!! Please lord please.
I hope I die before them . They are the worst parents in the world.
This was never about the birthday.
Fuck these shitty people. Don't have kids if u can't take care of them.
And most certainly don't compare those kids who have good parents. You should be slashed with a belt 1000 times. Then perhaps I will feel better.
They ruined my childhood and never ever played with me. While I saw all the children playing with their parents. Never respected me a bit.
I will say I deserve every bit of respect. And u all should be under my foot so I can squeeze u under my shoe . And throw u away.
The day I turn enough to earn I will change my number and place . Maybe get a new identity and never ever and ever meet my paths with you.
Fuck. You .
You were the worst mother and father this world has seen .
I hope u rot in hell .
I didn't tell u to have me.
Fuck you so much
Whore and male whore
ik it’s just feelings and it’s not inherently real but it feels so real. i get like this sometimes and i feel so stupid for it but i genuinely feel i need him to breathe. i’d do anything for him to give me affection or tell me he loves me i need him to love me because i love him so much and if he doesn’t want me or leaves me idk what id do it just makes my heart drop and i feel like i wanna disappear what’s wrong with me? i feel like hes getting sick of me by now i have a lot of mood swings and its like i become a different person i can be high and happy and singing to myself and energetic or i can be normal tired me or i can be logical and numb/angry depending thats able to cut everyone off or i can just shrink into this person i can obey because i need love i need you to love me. i need him to love me but i feel like hes getting tired of me hes been so nice and caring and trying to be there for me but i just keep fucking it up. i even get into this weird zone sometimes where i feel like im in a strangers body and he tried to help with these wave and tide analogies of my consciousness or something flowing back but i go mental cause i can literally imagine it and feel it physically and i don’t like it touching me and i don’t like it in me and i feel it in me and i just need it out so i usually end up cutting myself and he hates that and it’s happened twice already i don’t normally give into the intense thoughts of cutting but im just slipping im slowly getting worse and im so scared he’ll give up on me which he really should cause if he doesn’t i’m just gonna keep hurting him i hate that im like this but no matter how hard i try something always slips out i hate being here and i hate being like this how do i fix it? how can i be normal.
They message me when they want to vent about something. I'm there for them, I'm the shoulder to cry on. They tell me how much I matter to them.
But the second I want to see them or talk to them otherwise they ignore me, get angry with me, talk shit about me to others.
I don't tell them my problems the way they do to me. I just exist and they don't like me. They leave me out of shit and are happier around their other friends.
I have two people left and they are doing the same now.
I know I'm the problem. I just want people to like me.
My best friend and only support of four years just moved away and I can't live without her, shes been there only thing keeping me alive, everything else in my life would have made me kill myself by now, my father verbally and mentally abused both me and my mom, he forces us to be happy and prides himself on being a prick, he sexually abuses me and talk about me and my friends sexually, has stated he wants to go to Epstein's island and downplayed gay people and sa victims, I also hate myself for thinking disgusting thoughts because of my hypersexuality, its always either thinking about how good death would feel or imagining something bad enough for me to finally do it, I constantly feel disgusting and uncomfortable in my won skin and my parents refuse to acknowledge it, I'm just gonna end it now, theyll be happier without me