my thoughts recently
i apologise if what i say feels more statement that questions.
is everything meaningless? a part if me thinks so. for a few years at least. knowing that everything will fade with time makes me compare myself to the eventualt drift of nothing.
but is that not selfish towards my self belive that my pride is to never falter, and i can never waver in my conviction to honor my self as well as others. that i must stay honest. but lying is becoming a habit. like an addiction. i hate that.
ive grown to hate people. but i dont hate my friends. but saying anything such thing would trigger major worry. perhaps confirm the disconect ive felt from them. ive always wanted to be alone because despite anything, when alone ill know ill be okay. i know my life wont go anywhere, that once my years of service is up ill barely be able to live. i was told that its my fault. that hurt. but to hurt is to accept meaning when there isnt any. because it dosent matter what happens to me as long as others persist to glimmer, after dosent matter.
there is no freedom. or at least the freedom i would think makes sense. perhaps i just cant accept the things around me and it makes me feel negetive. but that would be selfish. i hate to be titled, or decleared one thing. im myself i just dont feel good and never had, some times that feeling would fade for a while and i could find solice in silence. but i havent heard silence in a while. i feel tired but cant sleep, dont want to eat so i dont waste food, my nights are long till dawn, i hate the light when i try to sleep. i miss the dark and silence.
my temper is also flaring up in droplets again. i hate it, i hate not being who i need to be, i hate that i cant think without being flash banged by negative thoughts, ive thought of crying but that would make me feel week. how can i be strong? im not. im weak, physicly. maybe thats why i found safetly within my mind. my body can break but my mind wont. but i feel like im drifting away from that promise, that belief of myself. i want to feel just nothing, so i can serve out my days and finish it. then i can catch a crack of the freedom i think exits. but i dont belive that is possible for me. these thoughts have only progresses, and know i fear that ive reached 18 and that has already affected my brain.
i learned when you reach adulthood you stop soaking up information. by that logic you become a solidified version of who you are at that point.
i dont want to be this me. i dont want to be like my father, or relatives. i dont want to be anyone like that. i want to be alone.
sorry if this is long, im not sure if this is the right place to post this sort of thing and so i apoligise if im out of bounds for talking like this.
if theres any thoughts on what ive said, id like to hear them.