u/Orange_isA_coolColor

I have always loved science. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been so fascinated by the inner workings of everything, be it machines, planes, plants, animals/people, stars, etc. It’s been my lifelong passion, alongside drawing. And I used to be very good with science. I got lost in books for hours and I had an arguably better memory than I do now. Today I’m largely just empty. I’ve always felt some lingering disconnect but it’s dominant now. Most of the time I’m either sad, bored, or angry. I’m too tired and lazy to work on school enough. Each semester, I barely pass. I barely show up cause I get so sick with anxiety or so exhausted with depression. This year, I got a 70% in my pre cal class. I barely passed science. That isn’t university worthy. My grades often sink well below 50% before I pick them back up just in time for finals. And that’s what I’ve been doing for 2 years now, possibly longer. I can’t remember because I’ve spent years dissociating. Autism is not a “gift” or a “super power”. Nor did the abuse, neglect, and abandonment I suffered make me “stronger”. I’m entirely defective and I’ll never fucking work in STEM like I’ve dreamt of my whole life because, although I could do it in a perfect world, this is not a perfect world. In this world, I’ve been forced to live with deep passion alongside mind numbing emptiness and misery. I’ll fixate on something for some weeks and then I’ll forget about it. I won’t study or take my notes properly, I’ll just sit around and draw during class, and hope I can manage to pass anyways. And I never improve. I’ve been through counselling, I’ve been on pills, nothing. I’ll never be a scientist, nor will I be an engineer, or a doctor, or a pilot. I’ll be nothing. Where did it all go wrong? I could’ve done so much more. It’s already over. Maybe it was over the second I was born. Maybe it was over at conception. Maybe the problem is my existence itself. My mom thinks so, and I can tell other people do too. I’m rude, or selfish, or dumb. I got called pure evil once by my mom. If I wasn’t born this way maybe I’d be better off but sadly I’m only better off dead. I’d do it if I wasn’t such a pussy. I’ll never have a career I like, I’ll never feel whole, I’m always going to be miserable. I don’t know what I’m waiting for or hoping for or expecting. I wish that when I cried about this to my mom she’d have listened to me. I wish it fucking mattered to anyone but me. People think I’m dumb because they only see my grades. Everytime I tell people that I like science, that I want to go to university, they look at my grades and must think I’m joking. I only sound dumb. This was my life and I have nothing to show for it. And most autistic people can barely keep a minimum wage, slow paced job. What am I even thinking? Why not just off myself? I’ll only ever be deficient. Social deficits, memory deficits, attention deficits. I won’t get to do a single thing with my life.

I thought I knew how chronic stress felt. I thought near constant mental anxiety and stomach aches was the worst it got. Nope! It can always get worse! For 3 days now, I have had the constant sensation of tightness in my throat, accompanied by constant worry I’m going to suffocate. And the best part? I don’t even know why the hell I’m this stressed, so I can’t do what I need to relax. And breathing techniques don’t work, going outside doesn’t work, nothing seems to relax me. All the things that used to be fleeting on my mind now make me sob in an instant, now keep me wide awake and frantic at night. It seems that summer won’t be the gaining of freedom, but rather, the loss of distraction. :,) cause now I can lie in bed all day and think so intently on everything. I don’t need to even pretend that I’m working. I can just lay in bed and let my mind wander entirely. It leads me down nothing but distressing roads. Even the “pleasurable” thoughts I get, I only cry afterwards, because I can hardly believe how disgusting my fantasies are, how evil I am for wanting that. I just can’t stop being miserable. I worry about every last thing. It’s been harder to sleep not only due to my racing thoughts but also thanks to this constant feeling that I’m going to suffocate. I wish I could just take my amygdala out as a whole, or shrink it. Much of my life has been stolen by my own mind. I can’t trust people enough to feel connected to them, I can’t trust people enough to believe that they won’t steal from, lie to, or leave me. I feel a deeper connection and overall trust with animals, machines, and the dead. I feel this constant lingering desire to keep people forever and it scares me sometimes. And now that school is over I can’t stop thinking about this shit for even a second. I thought it was bad to be thinking about everything most of the time but now it’s all the time. And I can’t tell anybody but the internet. And I know I need therapy but I just can’t do it. This has been so draining. My whole life has been controlled by my amygdala’s over reactions and I can’t stop it. I am terrified everyone I love will leave, I am terrified everyone I know has lied to me, I’m scared I’m being watched, I’m scared I’m not even real or I’m already dead, I’m scared I’m going to be a serial killer or some fucking sequel to Jeffrey Dahmer, etc. On loop all day. Hundreds of scenarios I make up on how these things “will” happen, too. End me

All my counsellors left one after the other, my doctor seems to have disappeared from the planet, and my mother only laughs at me, yells at me, brushes everything off. I’ve had a tight throat and the feeling of a lump—globus sensation/pharyngeus—for about 2 days now. It’s been utter agony. It seems to only ever get worse. I remember being so tired of staying up all night crying while nauseous. Well fuck, I’m jealous of my past self, because atleast he could cry without the worry he’d suffocate while he’s at it. I’m so done. I’ve struggled with this comically powerful amygdala since I was a child and nothing ever helps. I’m not even consciously worrying about anything!!! I’m just physically anxious because why the fuck not!!!! And I can’t bring up this current symptom to my mom so we can go to the hospital or call the doctor or anything because I know she’ll say to just “wait it out” or “relax” I can’t keep just waiting it out I’m sick of being told that. Sometimes she’ll straight up ignore me, act like I’m not there til I go away. Everyone always says it’s just puberty but they won’t elaborate when I tell them that it’s been happening long before then. It’s just puberty til one day im 30 and they find me dead via gunshot to the head right haha. I beg please put me on xanax please give me coping skills that work someone fucking sedate me I can’t keep dealing with my own brain I feel perpetually trapped and not a single adult who could do something gaf 🤣🤣

I’m so tired. I can’t sleep. I’ve been in agony for hours now for no apparent reason. My throat is tight and my heart won’t stop pounding. I feel like I’m going to suffocate or puke or have a heart attack. My body feels weak and sore and I just want to sleep. I’m so tired. I wish I wasn’t born this way. I try so hard to relax but I’m paranoid I’ll die in my sleep, or suddenly my throat will clamp up and I won’t be able to get a single inhale in and I’ll die painfully. I can’t keep doing this shit anymore. Years of counselling didn’t work pills didn’t work I just want it to stop :(

Once I worry about something, it glues itself into my head. I come up with hundreds of scenarios and the possibilities will overwhelm me. For months now I’ve been excessively worried I’ll turn out like dahmer. I’ve always had some sort of lingering fear that I’ll be an outright horrible person one day but it’s so much worse now. Some nights I’ll binge watch interviews and read all the forums I can find to soothe my curiosity but I know I’m self sabotaging too. I despise myself for relating at all with him. I hate that I am a paraphile, I hate my anxious attachment style, I hate this deep sense of emptiness that never goes away. I hate reading or watching anything about him and just relating to what he says and what happened to him growing up. This isn’t me saying that I like that guy. He wasn’t a genius, he was merely white. He got away with it for so long because he was white and appeared polite, so no one cared. Thanks to his “brilliant” scientific experimentation we now know that if you drill holes into a person’s skull and then inject the hole with acid, with little idea of what you’re actually doing, they’ll probably just die. Crazy, right? Who could’ve guessed? I think he was a dumbass. He had the chance to live healthy and be smart but he didn’t choose that life. I hate him and all the weirdos who say they “love” him. I just can’t help that I see my own symptoms and my own experiences in his, and it makes me paranoid as hell. I hate the way I cuddle my blankets at night and picture a dead body. They wouldn’t leave or lie and they’d always be there for me, in a way. And I think about what recipes I’d use if I ever decided to eat them. This is what I mean. I’m fucking disgusting. My throat is tight and I don’t even feel connected to reality at all right now so I have to listen to my weird silly little German band I discovered on accident years ago; “257ers”. Music relaxes me but it doesn’t seem to be working tonight. I want to drink more than ever but I know it will only dehydrate my throat and thus tighten it more. But my anxiety is skyrocketing and I need to sleep. And I can’t shake the fears and the anger and this insatiable emptiness inside. I hate the way my mind always returns to this. Snuff by slipknot came on its so over. I wish I had the guts to slit my radial artery already. I hate feeling like all I’ll ever do on this planet is destroy everything. Holy hell god if you’re fucking real grant me the ability to feel human and function like one I’m sick of being trapped in the mind of a monster

I always feel so detached and dissociated but it’s really bad tonight. Maybe I had too much caffeine or I’m having some weird delayed hangover I don’t know but I’ve felt so off all day and it’s hitting bad right now. I walked past the funeral home twice today and once a worker was staring at me and I felt they knew. I felt like they could read my thoughts and they felt louder than normal. And tonight I was just trying to watch a movie with friends but suddenly my chest became tight and my throat tightened so much it hurt. They’re still tight over an hour later. I came home early and it feels like my family is acting weird. I got hit with this weird dizziness earlier where I couldn’t stand straight and the world moved around me. It happened for only 15 seconds maybe but I wondered if I was dying, or if I’m already dead. Everything just feels wrong. I feel like I’m not even in the right reality. I haven’t relaxed in days and I’ve been drinking more than usual and I know that maybe this is just anxiety but what if it’s not and I need to get out?

I’ve spent years struggling with disordered eating and self harm. I’ve covered myself with nasty bumpy scars, some still red and sore. Every now and then my deepest ones, hypodermis cuts on my right forearm, will fill with shooting pain that moves up and down my forearm to my wrist. It leaves me unable to move it without pain for a few minutes. Everytime I look at them I think of all the times I could’ve died and I just kept doing it anyways. I’ve seen my own pulse pumping rhythmically with my blood because I’d cut just above an artery or arteriole. And even seeing my fatty tissue deep inside my arm, I’d cut over it again because I felt it wasn’t enough. I started with scratching my thighs to cutting my arms to cutting my thighs, cutting my stomach, my hips, my chest, everywhere. It was never enough. I did the same with my eating. I didn’t care when I was so malnutritioned I’d black out for a few seconds when standing up. Everytime I looked in the mirror all I saw was fat, so I kept going with it. I just kept destroying myself because I didn’t realise the gravity of my actions. Now I’m desperately trying to fix myself but I can’t even wear a t-shirt in the fucking 30C temperatures because my dumbass decided to play fruit ninja on my skin. I get so shaky trying to work out and when I try to lower my body fat % I get so deeply obsessed over it. I ruined everything I could’ve done with myself. I can never decide if I want to be jacked or if I wish I was as thin as a twig.

It makes me so disappointed. I get dizzy trying for 10 pushups. I ruined my growth by starving the way I did so young. I don’t understand why the fuck I did it again and again and again when I could’ve been getting tall and getting muscular. And I hate myself so much for being so in love with my sickness. I miss the control and elation in eating nothing for days. I miss cutting my arms up in such excess there’d be shiny crimson puddles all over my floor. Cleaning it up at 3am knowing my mom might wake up at any time was stressful but I keep remembering those times and missing how it felt. I never want to go back, infact, it scares me, yet I still long for it.

And I still need to lose fat. Like, objectively speaking, I’m on the still kinda overweight end of healthy weight, you know? Chubby. No one will see my gains like this, all they’ll see are my seven deadly chins. And I want to lose fat for myself and for health too. But when I try I either give up, get embarrassed, or it becomes disordered again. And everytime I see a knife I wonder if it’s sharp enough to cut me. Everytime I see a new food I wonder how many calories, how much protein, etc. Atleast that’s a gym mindset but I become too frantic about it and I’ll cry til I get sick if I eat something without knowing atleast an estimate of the calories. It’s fucking torture and I’m a fucking idiot

I wish I could see the horizon but I just can’t. I have plans but they aren’t real plans, just thoughts that pop up. I don’t see myself anywhere in 5 or 10 years and I can’t seem to. My peers do and I just can’t. I can’t help but feel that I’m missing some deeply important piece of me, and that this vital part is also what makes other people so human. I don’t trust properly, people are hard to connect with, and I always feel so empty and dissociated. I can’t help but feel that once they aren’t forced to be around me, everyone will leave. Once high school is over I won’t be fun anymore and everyone else will have their lives to deal with anyways. I can barely hold a relationship because I get too intense and yet remain distant when it comes to sexual/intimate parts. I’m fucking terrified of sex I won’t lie. I’m always uncomfortable being perceived and most days sex just sounds gross to me. And even just normal touching. I usually don’t mind with close friends but sometimes when people are even in too close of proximity to me I want to kick them and shove them away. I need control that I know I can’t actually have and years of counselling didn’t help soothe this need, but rather, made me better at bottling it up :,) that’s all society fucking wants who gives a shit that you’re in pain let’s figure out a way to shove it down deep inside til one day you take it out on yourself and never come back, right?

I hate myself for it but it often feels like people would be just so much easier if they’re dead. Loud, touchy, nagging? None of that. And they can’t ignore me because they can’t listen in the first place and they can’t lie because they can’t speak, and they can never leave either. But I’d feel listened to in some odd deeply disgusting way. And when I’m upset I romanticize it to myself and I can’t even help it. I’m repulsive. And I wish society was just different. I don’t know how exactly but I wish it was different. I can’t change for it and it sure as hell won’t change for me, so wtf is there left to even do? Be alone and empty and longing for an endless insatiable void inside of me to one day be filled, to no avail? I don’t know what’s left for me. I don’t know what I’m doing anything for. People will hang out with me but I don’t think they really plan on keeping me around in their future. I’d love a career in science but depression and autism and plenty undiagnosed bullshit has left me unable to work or study properly. And it’s all so empty anyways. And I know why I feel empty; this lack of sustained connection and lack of a true grasp on reality and myself. These things I can never have and never fulfill. So I’ll be empty and dissociated and alone in a world full of people forever. And I’ll always crave something that will put me in fucking prison if acted on. And I’ll always long to be loved knowing I can’t feel loved, always long to connect knowing I can’t trust people or understand them enough. Holy ropefuel. I don’t want to be fucking dahmer 2 electric boogaloo or some shit but with every day that passes I get worse every single thought twists my thinking further I can’t take this shit anymore.

I don’t do shit anymore. I contribute nothing to this world but my co2. When people ask me where I see myself in so or so years I tell them, “hopefully university, something in science”, but inside I feel nothing. I want to do such a thing but it all feels empty. This makes sense because growing up with chronic stress from abuse at home (and just being autistic by itself) has left me with dpdr that hasn’t gone away for years. When I think it’s over, it’s just this mild form. I’m always out of it. I never feel like I’m truly here, truly alive. I can’t connect with people and I struggle to trust them. I endlessly worry they will leave. It’s tiring.

It’s finals week and I’m doing fuck all. I know I’ll fail my exams if I don’t study but I can’t make myself do a thing. We were supposed to prepare for weeks. I’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare. I seldom work and when I do I get bored and just doodle instead. I can’t help but feel like there is a perpetual weight that keeps me from doing anything, even just getting up for a glass of water. I’m so tired of myself and my surroundings and all these people. The moment I’m home in my room I just cry. If no one else is home, I’m bawling my eyes out on the floor the second the front door is shut. I can’t even name why. Shit is just tiring. I get migraines all the fucking time now and I’ve had stomach aches every other day for months now.

And god, I despise other people. I know they despise me too. Nobody really knows me, I’m just kinda another student I guess, but when they notice my presence they immediately don’t like me. I am awkward and don’t talk and I struggle to finish group projects. I’m a lazy ass and I dress dumb and my hair is often probably greasy. I am friendly and I’ll be polite but I’m not really the person you’d look at to be friends with, you know? I think I just come off as creepy and retarded to them. And I can tell that no matter how nice my classmates are to me, they don’t actually like me. And this occurs with my close relationships too. I can tell when they’re bored of me. I can tell when they want me to shut up. I can tell when they think I’m stupid. I love my friends but I feel so distant from them, no matter our proximity or how deep our relationship goes. I just don’t feel it. It feels like there is a wall between me and everyone else, and they don’t have walls—they’re all free to be around eachother but I can’t get out.

I’m in this constant state of exhaustion and nothing I do helps meanwhile everything and everybody around me makes it worse. But I can’t communicate my feelings to people without being vulnerable again and losing the sense of control and safety in building up walls on purpose. This way I am in control and nobody can hurt me and this time it doesn’t hurt as bad because I can help it more. But sometimes it hurts like hell. I hate to be alone and I hate feeling rejected but all I want is connection. It’s driving me nuts. It’s impossible to be decent when all day you are drained of all resource and when you get home your friends have made a new secret group chat and the like 3 people you actually want to be around are ignoring you again so your only real friends are alcohol, your bone collection, blades, and all those relatable fictional characters. And I guess other crap soon because I get to do some stuff with some buddies this summer.

I’m playing Russian roulette here I don’t even know if people I know actually remember my Reddit or not. If they did I’d be screwed. I don’t expect a single soul to read through allat though I won’t lie. I want to be close to somebody it’s all I could ask for. But the moment I think I’ve finally connected I realise yet again how dissociated I feel. Or they do some shit to remind me that they don’t gaf. Is this really my life? Is this what there is? Phase through everyday completely empty and tired with majority of only negative emotion and the tiniest fraction of positive, interrupted by negative once again. I barely remember each day. Life just passes me by. I’m jealous of everyone and everything because, one way or another, they don’t suffer the way I do. I’m jealous of plants who don’t have to think these things. I’m jealous of my classmates who are neurotypical and wealthy and well liked. I’m jealous of my cats because they get to sleep and play all day and never worry about these things.

And ofc as if all this bullshit wasn’t enough on me I need to be paranoid that this excessive isolation and my paraphilias and other symptoms will make me a serial killer one day. I don’t even know anymore. My mind is in ruins. It’s so over

I am prone to deep fixations, be it on a show, person, character, book, movie, thoughts, fact, etc.. it almost feels like my life has no purpose if I’m not obsessed with something. Some nights I can’t sleep because my mind is too full. If the fixation stresses me out on its own, it’s even worse. For a couple months now I’ve had this deep interest in jeffrey dahmer. Nothing weird, no romanticisation or some bull like that, infact, the opposite. I’d obsess over any similarity to him I spotted in myself and panic. I still do. I feel sick as of now actually. But hopefully I’ll be moved on from this because I’ve been watching a new TV show recently, “Resident Alien”. Of course I still engage in unhealthy habits (depriving myself of sleep, letting certain facts or events ruin my day, etc) but oh well. It’s better to stay up late and watch the silly alien show and cry over it rather than stay up late and drink and sob my eyes out watching dahmer interviews because I’m scared I’ll be like him when I’m older. And I can’t even explain why I feel this way because I know I only sound silly. I grew up in a similar environment ( distant father, emotionally neglectful mother, frequent yelling, etc ), I’ve always had an interest in science particularly biology, my mind is always full of paraphilic thoughts and imagery, etc. And it’s stupid, I know, but it stresses me out. Sometimes I am so utterly numb and entirely dissociated but sometimes I feel this crushing terror so intense it feels like real pain. And it just does not leave my head. I’m always worried about it. And last week some kids in my neighbourhood took my brother’s bike from the shed, which contains my bone collection (again :// some shit dahmer did too). I found the bike but I keep wondering if they saw my bones and got uncomfortable, and what their thoughts were, if they thought of dahmer. Just endless worry and endless paranoia. Add onto this, crippling overthinking issues. Everything other people do and everything I do, I overanalyze. Oh yeah and guess who has abandonment issues too. Guess who else had abandonment issues. Guess who might just off himself if he can’t calm tf down.

I know that these are very likely obsessive compulsive patterns but I’ve been through years of counselling with multiple different counsellors and it hasn’t really helped me. My mom even said it herself; I haven’t changed a bit, and there’s no point in even talking to a counsellor. The most improvement I’ve made is that I hide it better when I’m jealous. Atleast I don’t ruin other people’s relationships to keep them closer to me anymore. Yet I am still wide awake nearly every night wondering what artery would have me dead fastest if slit. And sometimes I picture doing this to other people and cuddling with their body after. It’s so over 🫩 I’m fucking exhausted of my deformed, malfunctioning brain. Wish I could get in there with pliers and a wrench. Maybe I’d get better if I was just honest with professionals and my family but I don’t know how to tell a single soul besides the internet.

From what I know there’s really only two ways and that’s 1) if you get an amputation and the surgeon agrees to let you keep the meat and 2) if you kill someone, which is not very legal or ethical I guess. There’s also the placenta but in this hypothetical scenario nobody is pregnant, no one plans to be pregnant, and the placenta isn’t appealing to this person anyways. Is there other ways?

Additionally, could you gain consent from somebody and, with enough knowledge and sanitization, surgically remove meat while keeping the donor alive? Would this be legal?

I can th help but feel like my life is just boring and miserable and void. All the things I tell myself to keep going for are just plain weird. I’m excited to probably live by myself and drink as much as I want and smoke. Im excited to go home and lay on the living room floor or cook when im hungry instead of repressing myself. I’m not excited to meet new people I’m not excited about new foods I just don’t exactly care. Hiking and mountaineering sounds cool but I don’t care particularly for the travel aspect, just mountains and adventures in nature. I’ve really got nothing going on besides me and my sadness and my sad hobbies and my sad thoughts and sad fantasies. It’s all just fucking downer shit. Even my career dreams, I want to work somewhere with minimal social interaction, and if I do talk, it’s with a structured team that I’m close to.

Everyday the exact same. I’m so dissociated I barely notice the time pass. I swear I was dreading getting up, sleepin in through every alarm, just minutes ago. But it’s 11pm. I made it through the whole day but I barely remember a thing. I feel so bored and so tired and so inexplicably sad and upset all the time. Life is kicking my ass but atleast me and some buddies have plans to get high this summer. Nothing wrong with cracking a cold one too—double innuendo ayy. Always 5 o clock somewhere 👍👍 but fuck do I wish I was normal. Everyone I know has something going for them and I just don’t. I wake up and I go to school and I go home and that’s really it. If it’s a weekend I wake up go back to sleep wake up eat maybe go for a walk sleep wake up watch tv etc I do fuck all. My life feels devoid of meaning no matter how much philosophy I jam in my brain. All these things I try to make worthwhile jut make me worse in the long run. Bone collection? Makes my fantasies worse. Minesweeper? I play it in class and don’t work. Videogames? I really only play older CoD zombies, of which make my fantasies worse. Lmao even when I was a kid I found it funny to spam “O” over the dead zombies ifykyk and I’d prone to look at the graphics of their guts or the blood, however low quality it could get, but I wasfacinated nonethrlrss. “There were no signs”. Chugged drink so I migjt just go to bed but I don’t know I just feel like shit and I’m tired of my boring ass miserable life with my future ahead full of more boring miserable days and deeprr isolation

I am hypersensitive to rejection, real or imagined. I tend to be over analytical of my surroundings and other people, overthinking things, which winds up with me feeling rejected, offended, or threatened, over something often silly. It makes it hard to be around other people. The smallest things become the world to me. When I feel this rejection, it can go any way, but usually follows a similar structure: I feel rejected -> I dislike the vulnerability/pain -> I avoid or insult to establish "control" -> get upset and cling again -> return to avoiding because the vulnerability made me feel trapped/stupid -> etc etc.

For example, me and my partner haven't spoken for awhile. He can do whatever he needs, I don't care, but I can't help it. I feel like I'm being ignored (for the record, these words do not come from the most rational part of me). I worry he’s just talking to other people fucking again. I message him and he barely replies or just reacts. It's bothering me. I pour my heart out and he just ignores it. I just want to sleep. Instead most of every night I am awake, trapped in a loop in my brain. Do I message him? Do I delete that? Do I keep ignoring him? I can't even help it. I just curl up and cry and cuddle my blankets because it is all I can do. I feel frozen. And the most disgusting part is how badly I want a partner that can't ignore me, lie to me, cheat on me, ever leave me, etc. I want a corpse.

Sometimes I picture myself cuddling one. I could keep one forever, in my freezer or by keeping their bones. This is some fucking dhmer type shit and I despise myself for it I despise every aspect of my mind. I wish I had it in me to end it. And I can't even remember if he knows of this account or not just playing russian roulette here. My memory’s been so shabby lately. I forget my homework even exists. I’m always behind in class. I don’t even work anymore. In the classes where we use devices, I just grind on minesweeper. I’m so tired of this. I wish I felt like someone would hold me and never let go but there’s no one I’m capable of trusting like that. And when I think for even a second that they won’t leave, they fuck it up. Everybody loves to block me everybody loves to talk shit about me everybody loves to lie to me why can’t I fucking do that shit either.

I miss the days I would cut my arms deep with such excess that I’d have puddles of blood all over my floor. The world didn’t even exist. For a time, it was all I had. All the objects and activities I’ve relied on have been faithful and all the people I’ve relied on have been gossamer in their fidelity. My counsellors all left, my friends gave up on me, my mom gave up on me, and my dad is never around. I despise people but all I want is connection, but I’ll never have it. I want to shove everyone away because it’s too much but I want to pull them close so they never leave. But if I cling too hard they’ll leave! But if I avoid too much they’ll still leave!! But I can’t just be fucking normal and relax!! Years of counselling didn’t work. What’s even left for me?

Go where, I don’t know. I just want out. If I could I’d move out but I’m not old enough yet.

I’ve been arguing with my mom more lately. I’ve just become very tired and mildly burnt out, so I’m trying to cope with this by just masking less. This means that I’ll often sound rude. I’m more vocal about when I want to be alone and she is taking extreme offense to this. Earlier today, on our walk, I was getting sweaty and, not liking the sensation, I wanted to go home. My mom was also very talkative and kept taking selfies and wouldn’t leave me alone, so I wanted to leave. I told her I was going back because I was tired but she could keep walking. She got angry and kept asking why despite having already given my explanation ?? I just kept walking home. When we were both back home, she started ranting that I’m being rude. I told her I just felt too tired and didn’t want to be near people. She kept telling me to look at her, make eye contact, etc, and again, I tried to tell her that I was just too tired. I had hoped she’d atleast try to understand that when my counsellor referred me for an autism evaluation, my mom would keep in mind that it’s because I have autistic traits and very likely actually have autism. I also had hoped this meant she’d be respectful about my boundaries and needs. Instead, she just told me “that’s right, you can’t” when I told her I was too tired to socialise or make eye contact.

She does this every day. I am “antisocial”, “creepy”, “pure evil”, even. She doesn’t even treat me like I’m human. My older sister does it too. She bugs me when I’m eating, takes my specific forks that I prefer to use, takes my headphones when she’s mad at me, etc. And she just doesn’t shut up when I ask her to stop. Nobody here cares about my feelings. To them I’m not human at all. And of course, they don’t see my problems as real. When I’m upset, they don’t actually care. My sister blamed my recent behaviour on my bone collection, as if I haven’t been this way my whole life. I just want to leave. I want to get drunk tonight and then just go for a walk, never return. Most nights I have to weigh the pros and cons of suicide. If I died they wouldn’t miss me. I’m exhausting to put up with. Nobody in this house views me as their child or their sibling just some weirdo they can make fun of and yell at. I have my cats and they’re all I can trust anymore, but my mom always threatens to take them away. Every day is yelling and laughing and arguing. I expect to be hit eventually.

If I live to the age, I can’t wait to live by myself. Then I can have all my oddities all around the house and pace without judgement and just exist in my own home. But it’s harder and harder everyday to keep going, to put up with all this bullshit. I just want to get so hammered I never wake up

Whenever my mom asks me if something is wrong, it isn’t genuine. The question doesn’t come from a place of love or worry but rather a place of disappointment. I’m tired of dealing with people. They say they love you and they won’t leave or lie but then they do just that over and over and over again. And then when things get impossible for you, when you’re self isolating and you’re too tired to do anything but be blunt and rude they just leave. They can’t carry out the impossible task of simply sitting down and asking what’s wrong, and they can’t do this task without being a bitch about it.

I wish my mom loved me. I wish that instead of mocking me for my scars or staring at them with disgust she’d realize I need help. I wish that after the years of counselling and years of school struggles and the years of repeatedly getting better then growing worse she’d realize that something deeper is wrong. She doesn’t even notice when I go outside or come back in. I could sneak out at night and never go home and she wouldn’t realize for hours so long it wasn’t a school night. I just want to die. Nobody I talk to ever truly fucking cares my friends talk shit about me all my counsellors leave and the few people I actually like ignore me 🤣🤣 the rope fuel is INSANE I just want to die dear god if you’re real let me die the pain is too much I can’t take being treated like this by everyone around me any fucking longer I can’t take the agony that is being autistic I can’t take the agony of being an outcast to everybody I can’t take the agony of being talked over and ignored by my family and friends I can’t fucking take it anymore. The more people prove to me time and time again that my paranoia is right the more I lean into being an exclusive necrophile. But I don’t know who said that haha wow is that a b52H in the sky psshhhhhhh they’re so cool I love planes. I can’t trust people nor can I connect with them properly and when I try they leave me feeling worse. The emptiness is unbearable. Who else up blowing they brains out

I’m exhausted. I fluctuate between clinging and detaching, spamming and ignoring. Some days all I want is to just block people to feel any sense of control. If people don’t fucking like me then why don’t they just leave? But I know I’ll be upset later. I cannot form a single proper bond. I can’t trust people enough to truly connect with them. I’m defunct. I don’t even count as a human at this point. Shit’s getting so bad every night all day I fantasize about a “forever partner” that can’t leave, can’t lie, can’t cheat, aka a corpse 😂😂👍👍 struggled with this bullshit for years but it never ends never stops hurting never stops getting worse.

I retrieved it (they left it at some random spot nearby) but I can’t even describe how pissed I am regardless. Although both my brothers have moved away and live in entirely separate provinces, their personal belongings still matter to me. The bikes are kept in our shed that unfortunately doesn’t have its door anymore, so everything is open. But it’s a small space with little things in a small, relatively close neighbourhood. I know my neighbours. I also believe I know who stole my brother’s bike, and it’s likely a group. I used to be friends with them til they started vaping and dropped out and started being huge pieces of shit. They are known to be pieces of shit. They even stole my next door neighbour’s bike and left it in, again, some random spot. He had to get a lock for the bike he keeps on his own property.

This shed also stores my bones currently macerating, so I hope they were disgusted. I also have a small clearly fresh burial spot for some bones that had too much tissue inside them. I left these kids a fitting note, that they’d be part of my collection if they did it again. I’ll do shit to them that’d get me banned if described here. I was shaking with anger on the walk to the missing bike and back home. If they do it again bro. My family is joking but I’m deadass 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Per usual this is just disgusting. I’ve always struggled with violent thoughts and urges, to myself, to others, and to my surroundings. I’ve also dealt with paraphilias since I was ~8 or ~11. As the years go on these get more extreme. I don’t truly act on them the way I’d like to, but rather, I substitute them for something less damaging. Instead of acting on my fantasies about dead people, I research about death, I collect bones, and I write out stories and vents in my notes or my journal. I also cuddle my blankets at night to soothe the sense that I’m alone, which is one of the reasons I feel attracted to dead things; I wouldn’t have to be alone because they can’t leave. Instead of strangling people when I’m angry, I bite my wrist or I press my palms tight together. I may yell or grab people but I try to refrain from serious harm. Instead of lighting things up, or burning myself, I play video games in which you get to do such things, or I play with my lighter, sometimes I light candles or have a fire with my mom. Etc.

These should all help me, they should satiate me, but they don’t. I think they do but slowly they lose their fulfilling value. I can’t collect bones in a smooth and steady way. If I am to remain calm about it, I have to constantly be outside, everyday, interacting with bones. Otherwise I get stressed out again. And I always feel a little sad that they’re not human bones. I like the sense of having permenant company but I wish I had human bones. And there are virtually two ways to get them; one is cheap and very illegal, one is expensive and questionable. One will ruin lives. Both will only make me worse.

I worry that one day nothing will help me, and I’ll either off myself or do the things I fear most. I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel human. I feel so absent from my body and my surroundings everyday. I’ve been having more urges to cut myself again, even though I’ve been clean for a couple months now, and haven’t had any bad urges for a bit. I wish I could feel like I belonged to this species. Everytime I’m at a gathering I have this strange sensation that I’m distant from everyone, no matter their physical proximity. I feel like my future is going to be cold and isolated. I’m simply impossible to fix and everything I do makes me worse. I’m either going to be behind bars the rest of my life or live in constant struggle against my own brain. I wish I could find the gun for the ammo in my garage, choose the secret third option