"you don't really mean that"
"But just try it"
"Don't be so rude. Are you shaming me for wanting you to do this then? Are you invalidating me?"
"Awww so do you hate me? Did you always hate me? Please tell me you don't hate me. (By saying yes)"
"Okay but I'm going to do it anyway okay"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! OMG YOU PEOPLE CAN'T DO ANYTHING
There is nothing positive in being one. I hate the standards and the role that is forced on me. I hate periods and the expectation of having kids. I want to tear my womb from my body for how weak it makes me. I hate it. I hate the monthly discomfort and the pain. I hate woman clothes and the expectation for me to like it. I hate the beauty standards and me having to adhere to it. I hate my long hair. I hate that i will always be the weak one. I hate that i'm not even different from the avarage. That i'm not taller, bigger, so maybe i could make the differance smaller. There is no empowerment.
Apologies if there should be a Trigger Warning, i wasn't sure how to call this.
EDIT:
God i am overwhelmed. I want to thank everyone for the support, kind words and encouragement. I appreaciate all of you. My mood got better for sure.
Additional information:
- I'm Polish, so gun advice won't be helpful (tho i chuckled at some)
- I'm not really offended by the assumptions of me being trans, I had a lot of thoughts about it myself. However with me not really feeling like my own person, and wanting anything mine, I prefer not to declare anything, as i might just grab onto something to be anyone that wasn't decided by my mother or society. (This is not to say that being trans is a phase or some sort of confusion, just with my identity issues and a past of being controlled, i might not make the healthiest decisions out of desperation)
Thank you guys, truly.
I truly hate how you can't even check how readable your writing is without this AI junk in your face all the time. I despise genAI with a passion and now I accidentally fed some of it.
So frustrating! I just wanna know if I can write at a college or sub-college level. (The story in question is fiction, so I know college level writing isn't necessary, but still.)
This is not to say I can't "roll with the punches" but good GODDESS is it annoying to be a creative type.
On the plus side, it said I wrote at a 9-10th grade level, when the average US reading level is at the 8th grade, so... Yay?
^(And I know the template is goofy, lol. I've been on a Mesopotamia kick. The statue is of Suppiluliuma II, last king of the Hittites.)
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want friends I mean, I want people to talk to. I wish that I had friends IRL that I could talk to and hang out with. I just isolate. I try talking to others and it goes well and then I never talk to them again or respond once a week, I tried going irl to a dnd place to make friends and after 2 sessions of it going good I never went back and avoid going near the store plaza. I don’t even know where to start how does one make friends at the age of 19 .
It’s so hard being religious and being trans at the same time. I accept myself as trans and don’t think that being queer is wrong. I’ve socially transitioned to people that I know are either queer or allies. I’m very left leaning. But at the same time, because I’m religious, I have a sense deep down that I cannot ever openly and physically transition even though I want to. That I will never get to live as my true self. I hold these two opposing beliefs at the same time. I see lots of people say they are not brave enough to be themselves this lifetime, so maybe the next. But I don’t even get a next. I will never be brave enough and that hurts. I will never get the chance to experience the joy of accepting and living as myself that other people get. I will live my entire life miserable and in pain. To those of you who have transitioned or are openly out, please remember how amazing it is that you are courageous enough to live as yourself despite the hardships.
Im not saying life would be easier, but I do think it'd be simpler (from what I know). The routine, discipline, and training would do me well. And likely humble me greatly. And to learn how to let go of at least a lot of wordly desires would also do me well especially when it comes to vanity. I'm always far too concerned with my hair and my clothes. And to actually put my energy towards doing something with my life I think would really benefit my mental state. You dont realize just how bad doing nothing and going nowhere can be until you start doing something, literally anything. I got a job and most days I'd say my depression has lessened considerably (minus the bullshit any sane person feels from being a cog in a broken machine in a failing economy). The job fucking sucks, dont get me wrong. But just doing something every day helps. I also hate hustle culture and capitalism and the "every man for himself" mindset thats so common these days. I very often want to just walk into the forest and disappear. Reconnect with something out there that Western culture has lost.
I like Daoism more than Buddhism but the only monasteries even remotely near me are Buddhist. But honestly that's not even a problem. Buddhism would be my second choice anyway.
Not trying to self-diagnose or stuff (since I can't go to psychotherapist), just thinking out loud ig
also I can't use half of the meds I rely on for chronic pain management until I treat it 🙃
Also my bmi is 39, which where I live is counted as obese and I am also experiencing issues with my liver relating to obesity and some of the treatment options can give you hepatitis!
Yeah this happened two years ago, of course I reported it to the police like the little whiny bitch I am, and of course they ignored it because who cares about the only black girl in a red county in Ohio???? Hahahah
Uhh, I bought weed from him and ended up in the hospital with FENTANYL in my system, and when I confronted him he decided to tell me he would lycnh me like dude, just say you cut your weed with fent and move on bruh
Anywayssss I literally hate him and got my Facebook account semi banned because I posted screenshots of him calling me the n word on his business page hahahhaah fuck him. Fuck YOU, LARRY.
oh the kicker is, he shares a name with my abusive dad. Yeah. Yeah..... yeah ....
I won't say what the thing I'm suspecting is because I got downvoted last time