u/yourbeloathed

i didnt notice mine for a while, but recently, i did notice that the thumb i typically use to flick flighters on has a little callous on the side. now im curious just how many smokers have one too :3 i feel like i could put out a joint on this thing & not feel anything LMAO

disclaimer, this post is not about whether or not MJ was a pedophile. do i have opinions on that topic? yeah, i think most people do. am i opening that can of worms here? FUCK no ‼️ that is not the topic & i will not engage if someone tries to make it the topic

that all being said. yes, MJ had a VERY difficult childhood, & its an integral & undeniable part of his history. but a rough childhood doesnt excuse predatory behavior. im REALLY tired of seeing comments from people like "well yes he was weird to kids, but he didnt GET to be a kid" or "he just didnt understand that it was wrong". stop excusing that behavior !! there IS NO excuse for that behavior !!! you wouldnt say "well, epstein/diddy/trump/whoever pedophile had a bad childhood" in a discussion about their crimes, would you? in fact, im willing to bet that their past would be far from one of the first things to cross your mind.

people only make sure to add an excuse for his behavior because they cant bear the thought of a guy who made incredible music having been a bad person. its weird! hold whatever opinions on MJ as you want, i dont care, this argument is tiring & the discussion feels old, but if you hold the opinion that he mistreated kids, stop trying to excuse it. someone can be a pedophile while also having extreme trauma of their own, in fact, a lot of offenders have deepcut (& oftentimes, sexual) trauma. someone can be a pedophile while also being a music legend. none of these things are mutually exclusive, & its harmful to treat them as such.

ampersand gang rise up

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TW SA SH TW TW TW

i got SAed in march, miscarried three weeks later in april. every time i feel nauseous, it reminds me of the pregnancy, which reminds me of the fear i felt in that three week period & the devastating emotional impact of the miscarriage, & its mental torture. the voices telling me it was my fault & i let my baby die get real fucking loud. so, ive been resorting to making myself throw up whenever i get nauseous to make the feeling stop. it hurts that it works.

i was severely bulimic when i was twelve. i only puke purged for just under three months, but the compulsion got so all consuming so fast that it didnt take long for me to drop almost twenty pounds & start collapsing in public. i was at risk of heart attack & had to rely on electrolyte water to feel okay. school starting again that august got me busy enough to break the habit, but the urges never really went away. the memory of how painful it was, how hungry i was, but how much control i had, whispers to me all the time. & the complete loss of control i experienced after getting raped has been detrimental. i started cutting & hitting myself again just to feel like i have autonomy over my body & to reclaim the feeling of pain & blood coming out of my body (assault left my vagina torn up, i was hit repeatedly during it & was left bruised for a week or two, & the miscarriage was very, very bloody). & now that ive started making myself throw up again semi regularly (stress makes me sick as of late), the need for that control is coming back tenfold. plus, while i absolutely despise & am sickened by my unhealthy sick body, theres a want to malnourish myself more, if it means i lose fertility fully & never have to worry about this ever again (cant really afford birth control, iuds, getting tubes tied, etc).

im really scared. my disorder couldve killed me, it caused a major & traumatic rift in my family (my abusive fathers pure rage at me for being disordered is what made me finally cut him off for good), & my family would find out immediately. but my self restraint feels like its fraying constantly. its like my heartbeat pulses the edge of a knife against the rope holding me back from falling fully back down the endless pit that is eating disorders. ive struggled with anorexia literally almost as long as i remember & still do, i dont need the bulimia back. but i feel like i need it. i need the control & to punish myself for the guilt i feel regarding my body killing the baby that i didnt even want. im so so so scared.

i used to use fig two, but i reworked my handwriting last year & started using fig one afterward. also started using ampersands & fancy g's :3 very fun i highly recommend

edit: so sorry for forgetting to add a neither/other option !!!! cursive folks i see you i hear you 🙌🙌

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tw sexual assault mentioned

losing the baby is ALWAYS hard, EVEN IF YOU DIDNT WANT IT. i was lucky enough to miscarry before an abortion became necessary in april, & it has been absolutely detrimental on my mental health. i didnt want the baby. it was conceived via rape. i have no want to be a mother, ive never wanted kids, i dont think i ever will. again, i was LUCKY to miscarry before i wouldve had to abort it.

but just because i didnt want the baby, doesnt mean i was happy to lose it. relieved? absolutely! i cant afford an abortion, much less a whole kid if i couldnt abort it. but happy? no. theres something missing from my body now. my rapist took the livelihood of TWO people, and while i get to find peace, the baby that couldve been never had a chance. thats not fucking fair. it was NEVER fair.

i think what pro life people fail to understand, is that your hormones dont care whether or not you wanted the baby. even though ive never once wanted kids & was dead set on getting rid of the baby, hormones were still produced in my body during the pregnancy, and those hormones go HAYWIRE when the pregnancy is terminated. its been crushing, feeling like i killed my 'child'. & considering that this was all from a natural miscarriage that i had no hand in, i genuinely cannot imagine how devastating an abortion would be to go through.

seeing pro life people talk about pro choice women like we think everyone should get abortions & its a beautiful experience, makes me wanna curl up into a little ball & never get up. no, man! this has been nothing but painful & life alteringly traumatic! but the truth is that as devastating as this has been, having the child wouldve been worse, & thats why we fight for reproductive rights.

im not here to debate. im not gonna reply to any pro life comment i may get. im tired & i can promise you that theres nothing you can say that i havent heard before. i just want to feel peace of mind again.

yeah, pet/plant moms dont have human children, but who cares if they wanna joke that the living things under their care are their children ???? how does that effect anyone? yes, caring for a pet/plant is nowhere near as hard as parenting a kid, no one said otherwise, but it still takes effort & love. why shouldnt they celebrate too? i genuinely cannot understand how this bothers people. its a damn holiday thats, for the most part, been eaten by capitalism & turned into just another way to sell something. itll be fine.

i vented here a while back about how ive been going through chest pains, & how upset i was over how the doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. a few comments brought up costochondritis, which lead me to do a lot of my own research, all of which i brought up at my follow up appointment today.

you guys were right !!! it IS atypical costochondritis !!!!! its diagnosed now & im currently picking up anti inflammatory meds :))) thank you to everyone who commented because i dont know when i wouldve figured out what was wrong with me otherwise <3

TW SA + LOSS OF PREGNANCY (+ sh, the obvious)

i feel so embarrassed that most of my recent posts are about this lol, but it really has been. so much !! to deal with !!!

ive posted here before about having been sexually assaulted, & that assault ended up leading to an early stage miscarriage a few days ago. this -- pregnancy & everything to do with it -- is something i never couldve prepared myself for & it feels genuinely impossible to explain how it feels.

i never wanted a baby. i still dont want one. & im not some pro life fuckhead who thinks fetuses are alive from the moment the sperm hits the egg, i know i didnt kill anything. even if it DID count as killing, it wasnt me who made the miscarriage happen, it was my body. but i CANNOT shake the feeling that ive done something... horrible. just really, really bad that i cant take back. the guilt over being assaulted in the first place was already so heavy, & now i cant shake the feeling that i didnt just fail myself this time. i knew i failed myself that night already, & now, theres. this part of me that. is just gone now. i domt know how to put it. it hurts. it hurts reqlly bad. i feel terrible whining about it when theres women who desperately want kids but struggle, women who were also sexuall6 assaulted but had to see the pregnancy through, so many worse positions. i didnt even want the baby. why does it feel like a part of me died with it ????

i used to post here about extreme self harm urges (genuinely obsessive thoughts of cutting as deep as possible, gorier shit i dont wanna get into etc), & i really hoped i left that with my last seasonal depression episode, but its back. the miscarriage hurt, it was bloody, & i feel like i need to reclaim that feeling until it stops making me think of my baby. i just need that control back, i need to feel ANYTHING else other than whatever the fuck im feeling now. i just want my body back. im scared of doing something drastic but at the same time, i want it badly. i vant shake the feeling that i did something horrible & need to pay for it, to hurt myself as badly as i hurt my baby. i dont know how to NOT think of it. i dont know. i dont know.