u/yourbeloathed

TW. depression talk, suicide/self harm mentioned, brief assault mention as well

i feel kind of silly posting here when im not even halfway done yet, but yk. baby steps.

im moving this month & by far the hardest part to tackle has been my bedroom. it doesnt help that im NOT excited for the move, i feel more resigned than anything else, but it has to be done. ive been through two years of very intense depressive episodes in this room. a suicide attempt & several plans to take my life took place in here, lots & lots of relapses too, so many breakdowns .. its made it rather hard to clear this space out because i keep finding things that remind me of how much ive struggled in here.

ive already found several razors, both new & used, lots of cigarette butts (arguably more shameful, i was very proud of my recovery from nicotine addiction & i hate being reminded of how far ive falled back down :( tearing up a little talking about it now haha). i found my old mental hospital notebook from last year, when i really started crashing out. i found the pair of panties that was ripped off of me when i got assaulted while living here. old dishes that i feel great shame about when bringing back out to the kitchen. just so much. & its not over yet. i feel like i need help to clean it all out, but i dont feel comfortable letting them in until im sure ive thrown out every cig butt & razor, & i dont trust that theyll all be gone until the whole room is cleared .... so im sticking with toughing this out by myself.

im taking a little break right now. i have the rest of this month to get everything out & its kind of scary. but im happy that im getting closer to seeing this cursed room be emptied. ughgfhhbd

maybe i just get them all the time because a LOT of my body is scarred, so theres just a higher likelyhood of acne & ingrowns around scars, but duuuude. i get zits & blackheads at the edges of my scars & sometimes hairs that grow under the skin & into the scar, & i have to break the first layer of scar tissue to get it out before it gets super irritated, & thats made some several year old scars look worse. my biggest scar has a little red mark on it now because i had to dig into the skin to get a fatass infected ingrown out, & its made me even more insecure than i already was.

does anyone else get this??????? i really try to not let it impact my confidence because acne, ingrowns, all that, is natural & nothing to be ashamed of myself + im trying to learn how to feel at peace with my scars. but thats already hard enough & the acne really only makes me feel worse. so please let me know if im not alone in this 😭😭

ive been struggling with disordered eating for half my life now, & have been facing poverty related food struggles for even longer. my diet has been a pattern of eating very little because of my anorexia, & eating very little because there was very little to eat. i have never been in proper eating disorder treatment. even with my psychiatrist, we dont seem to linger on the topic of anorexia much, & im not sure why? maybe its how goddamn set in stone my habits feel, & my doctors just want to leave that for when i get a specialized professional on my side. or maybe its because i dont have an official diagnosis of any eating disorder. the closest i got was when i was twelve & severely bulimic, but i think my electrolyte levels werent low enough to get a diagnosis... or something like that. i hardly remember, that whole era was insanely traumatic.

a week or two ago, i went to the hospital as a follow up appointment for a chronic inflammation diagnosis + to address some other physical health issues, & this time, my doctor REALLY stressed the importance of my diet. she almost seemed irritated at the fact that no professional in my life has pushed me towards treatment yet, told me to talk to my psychiatrist about it, & asked if i wanted a referral to a dietician. which i said yes to, because im aware that my physical health is seriously impacted by how little i eat & id like to try & reverse some of that damage, because my body is dealing with enough already.

im SO scared. i am sooo fucking nervous about getting that call. i have literally no conception of a healthy diet in my head. im in shock whenever im reminded that a normal, healthy meal, tends to be above 200 calories. i genuinely cant wrap my head around it. ive broken down multiple times over thinking too hard about the fact that i HAVE to eat every day if i want to, yk, be a human person on this earth & not die slowly & painfully. my disorder has already taken a toll on my body, namely little heart issues (arrhythmia, heavy caffeine consumption in my early teens didnt help either) following my bulimia & uterine/hormonal health issues. i probably need the help before it gets worse.

but, idk. idk idk idk im thinking of cancelling. im thinking of saying no when i get the call. im really scared & i dont know if im ready. honestly im kind of hoping that they already called & i just missed it so i have a good excuse for why i didnt get back to them. idk i need an out. what would a dietician be able to do anyways, when its not like we can afford a consistent, healthy diet (whatever the fuck thats supposed to look like)? & i. also cant shake the feeling that, like. i already made it THIS far. theres a part of me thats almost convinced that actually, *i* dont need to eat that much, because my body is just used to what i give it. i know thats probably?? not true ????? but i feel like im doing okay. ish. okay enough. i dont know man i dont know these things im just fucking scared. im sooo freaked bro. ughhhhgghhh UGHHH

"i hate these sort of trans fems!" "i hate theyfabs/theymabs!" "[insert some bullshit about bisexual people here i dont have the damn energy for this]!!" guysss shut UP. SHUTTT UPPPPP.

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you are willfully submitting yourself into infighting olympics as if the audience isnt full of billionaires & people who want to strip us of our rights. homophobes LOVEEE your posts about how certain pronouns are invalid, or what sort of humor some people like, or how some people present, who some people date, all that bullshit that really doesnt matter. how are we gonna get anywhere if we keep fucking tripping eachother along the way bruh. are we not all working towards the same goal

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"well yes there are bigger issues, but we're still allowed to talk about smaller ones!!!" im sorry but human rights being at risk & people literally getting killed in hate crimes kind of makes it hard to give a fuck about your takes on whether or not "silly car :3" humor is a stain on the trans community, or if you think being more oppressed makes you more or less valid, or whatever the fuck is the new topic this week. its just so unimportant to me. close twitter for the love of whatever higher power could possibly be out there, & leave me out of your thoughts about it

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sorry for poor typing !! just drank a lil

its weird because i know i have all the potemtial in the whole world to be an alcoholic. i watched it destroy my father, ive watchef it destroy several peopke in my life. im VERY aware of my addiction gene. i fall into harmful habits & addiction incredibly easily & i know its something i need ro learn how to manage before i inevitably get exposed to harder, more life threatrning drugs.

but iiiiiii like being happy. its absolutely not that simple, but it FEELS that simple in my head. i like being happy ! & alcohol gets me there. it is dangerous & its harmful, i dont know if im even physically okay enough for this, but like. i dont get this stuff oftenn, i have one bottle to make last as long as i can before i go back to pining & aching to not be sober again. a bottle split up over a few days or a week wont kill me. as long as i can maintain literally any level od impulse conyrol, i think i'll be okay. its all j7st so weird. i just like being & want to stay happy

eighteen, born female, 5"8, 105~ lbs (last time i checked, which wouldve been around a month ago). ive heard about other people in the ED community talking about fluid retention so i should also mention that ive been struggling with anorexia for half of my life now, its an ongoing issue

ive been showing symptoms of urinary retention for severalll months now, & in hindsight ive experienced symptoms in the past. its kind of become a regular enough issue that ive started glossing over it as something to be concerned about, though i know thats a bad idea. i cant get everything out when i use the restroom, it kind of fucking hurts trying to, it makes me feel a little sick when i cant (+ getting some pains in my right side with it lately), frequent bathroom usage for very little output, & its embarrassingly enough caused some incontinence issues here & there (im not gross about it, i really really try not to & i clean up thoroughly whenever it happens). its not a constant bother but im kind of sick of the pain when im already dealing with enough body stuff.

i have an appointment in two days, but i didnt schedule it for this issue. the appointment is a follow up on my costochondritis diagnosis + to talk about some bad joint pains ive had for a while & physical fatigue thats been kicking my ass lately. immm wondering if i should bring this up instead, though? obviously i need treatment for this EVENTUALLY but for money reasons, i really try to avoid going to the hospital unless it really really feels important. thats why i scheduled the appointment for the joint pain, i just got diagnosed with one chronic inflammatory disorder & im worried about the chance im developing/have more. if i can, i'd rather prioritize that & wait to get whatever bladder shit i got going on checked out in a seperate appointment.

tldr: fluid retention vs. joint pains + physical fatigue. what should i bring up to my doctor first at my appointment this week?

what trends did i miss? do tell

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ive noticed that its stereotypically a 'teenager thing', so i got curious as to how many of us have actually struggled with it. be kind to eachother please thank you

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