u/AWalkingFelony

no way in hell i'm getting a job maybe ever lol

whenever i become familiar enough with someone i just, like, lose all empathy and care for them. i see a sad stranger, i get sad. see someone i'm familiar with being sad, i get annoyed

i also just forget all boundaries, pushing buttons until they get genuinely angry, but only when they lash out do i notice i was even doing it

video games barely make me feel anything, drawing doesn't make me feel proud or even embarrassed or critical of my work, shows or youtube can't keep my attention. everything just kinda ranges numb to terrible

he had some kind of mental health episode and started doing some spiritual searching which was fine. once his religious identity solidified he started getting more and more into it and soon it was all he could talk about. Then he started getting a bit homophobic and transphobic and i can already tell where it's all going.

problem is he's the only person i can vent to and the only one who takes my mental health seriously. now every conversation turns to him preaching at me and any attempt to take the conversation somewhere else gets directly and intentionally shut down by him

saw some ambulances going the way i was and then i saw the scene. i don't know if the man died, but judging by the amount blood it's easy to assume

all i could feel was jealousy about how he could escape the pain of life

i knew i wouldn't be all that effected by the sight of someone dying, but there was far less of a reaction in my mind than i expected and i guess that's what disturbs me most. i didn't even react to the blood even though it usually makes me feel a little light headed

i just wish i didn't have to live. the pain inherent to life just isn't worth it no matter how idealistic or perfect a can be

(i'll be shocked if this doesn't get taken down tbh but i just felt like i needed to express this in some way)

nature's been looking less beautiful lately. happiness isn't something i chase anymore, only neutrality. tbh i've probably been depressed since 10 years old now that i think about it (if this even is depression and not just another manifestation of adhd or something)

if i was to be in a deadly situation and someone saved me, that person would be the only person i've ever earnestly hated with all my heart

i just want a single moment of reprieve, a single SECOND i'm not dreading the future, a single instant when when i don't hate or fear the world and everyone in it, one small bit of time where i could at least delude myself into being happy being alive

if i could restart life from scratch i would do everything the same. not because i want to but because it's the best i could do (so barely anything)

nothing i hate more than being unable to make myself do anything. I have a friend who struggles with similar issues, but he has enough willpower to do stuff like join a band and go outside regardless. meanwhile i can't do anything unless it's literally life or death or i don't know the consequences

he's for the most part (big emphasis on: the most part) a pretty calm and logical guy so i doubt he'd actually do it, but he is also the right kind of crazy to do it (extremely religious and indifferent to consequences)

yeah no one really likes him, but he can hold himself back enough in social situations to rouse too much suspicion or get kicked out

the crushing anxiety of anything even slightly unfamiliar, while easily pushed through, makes life deeply unenjoyable and not really worth it

feels like anger is more important to motivating people than food and drink

my happiest thoughts on the best day of the week (others i can't really share without reddit automatically banning me for a bit)

to be more specific, the left wolf is me when i'm with other people and the right wolf is me when i'm alone

life is suffering, suffering is life. it becomes more and more clear that the only respite is death

on the second meme: it's really frustrating, guess i'll just go into sepsis in the military and maybe have to get my toe cut off or something. i went to the doctor, they say i have to take antibiotics and wait for the infection to clear before they operate. fair, so i do so. i come back, they say it's still inflamed and i explain that it's just blood under there because i had to, ya know, i had to WALK there. they don't believe, prescribe more antibiotics. repeat the whole process. give up

skiing? ice skating? mending clothes? cooking? cleaning? swimming? what's any of that? i had to be taught how to brush my teeth by the school dentist lol and i still don't know how to ride a bike

any time i bring up my own mental health she shuts it down with a swift "no"

honestly i don't think it's even malicious, just easier this way. i don't think she was at all ready for parenthood

either i'm totally emotionally inert or i'm emotionally exploding with no in between. i never felt that excited before and it was for a dlc character in a game i don't play much. (it is a pretty cool character though, but it does not justify the tear-my-skin-off excitement)

i wish i had a reason beyond that i was just born this way. something to blame and something to work on, but nah, instead it's some bs i'll never be able to live with or adapt to or change and meds don't help at all