u/Zealousideal-Cow4430

Please never try and befriend the "trauma makes you unique" type of people. Tried that and fuck. Context back when I was like 13-15 I had really toxic friends who were that type of person. I started to believe the only way to make friends was to be highly traumatized, and suffer from massive depression. This caused me to get so much worse, it has even carried into now-a-days where I legit was so and I pushed my close friends away, and now don't have a best friend.

Here is the funniest part. I could never of accepted the fact I AM TRUAMATIZED from my childhood, because I believed it had to be something horrifically evil. I ignored how much sexual harassment I've faced, having my childhood taken away from me because of hypersexuality, how much I've been isolated since I was a child, how much I was neglected, how my mom was abusive. I legit IGNORED MY TRUAMA BECAUSE HOW MUCH I PRAISED OTHERS TRUAMA. I want to get better but I low-key feel so sad because I find it hard to do anything because of how mentally ill I let myself become.

I wish I could just make everything return to normal but I cant. It's so weird how only last night did any good memories of my life come back. I suffer for years only now to remember. God I wish I got better back when I was 15 but I was completely isolated because I just got out of an abusive friendship (the other person basically forced me to be their "GF" and heavily fetishized me for being a trans girl (they did worse things like beat me, and threaten me, and manipulate me.) Plus my parents barely even take me to the doctors, I had to get therapy because my school forced my parents to because I said I was gonna KMS.

I wish I could feel friendships normally, I wish I didn't have to live with my mother who gives me intense panic attacks when I see her face, I wish I could have hobbies and feel normal about them, I wish I didn't fear people, I wish I wasn't so broken, and could live a normal happy life. I'm jealous of people who got help earlier then me and got to be more happy. I dont think my life will be good because ive wasted so much time and after I turn 18 the world only cares about how much you work. You dont get friends, you get work. thats it. I wish I got to be happy.

I really wanted to do things today but I'm so tired for no reason. Tried to read but ehhh. I was trying to make a jar of those origami stars, but that was to hard. All I've done is scroll TikTok. I tried writing instantly got stuck. I tried doing summer work, that's really important and I've been putting off, but I cant even bring myself to do that.

I stayed up really late yesterday because something trigged some sort of episode in me and I dissociated. My dissociation feels like sleeping if that makes sense. I feel like I wake up, cant really remember what caused me to dissociate (like how you cant remember the exact time you feel asleep.) Everything else feels like some sort of dream, that's if I can even remember. Here is the worst part, I get really awake after, so I had struggles going to sleep last night. I got like 6 hours of sleep cause luckily I don't have anything to do today. Also got really pissed because I basically disappeared for like 3 whole hours.

Sometimes it gets so bad I can feel my body just wanting to collapse. I really wish I could just lock in but it's so hard to. I really wish I was able to but ughhhhhh.

Every time I vent. All I here is, "well since your a trans women and born a men it's only people that aren't born men that get discriminated against!" "OMG stop stealing the spot-light nobody cares." "It's not that bad, I stubbed my toe when I was 6" . It's gotten to the point that I believed that people only made friends if they suffered, and friendships were built off of suffering. I forced myself to get a lot worse, and basically tortured myself for months because I thought suffering was the only way you could be liked. It's still ingrained in me that the only way for me to be morally good, and not be an evil villain is that I must suffer. No matter how much I suffer I'll never ne enough for people. They don't care that I was already being called slurs in 3rd grade, They don't care the I was isolated, they don't care that my mom is abusive (they'll never think she's abusive because she's only hit me once.) They dont care that I was neglected, havent been to the hospital in years, that I barely know hygine, that I basically just rot all day because ive been in survival mode 24/7. They don't care that my mom forced herself on me (because ohhh yeah she grabbed you hurt you and forced you against the wall in your own bed, but your a trans women so it's all your fault.) They don't care that I was abused because my abuser was a trans man so im actually the evil one. They think that me being hypersexual, and being into pet-play since I was 7 has to be my fault because "you were born a man." They don't give a shit about the sexual harassment I've faced, they don't care about the fetishization I face. They don't care that I've been isolated for years and the only thing online I see is pure hatred. They think my life has to be perfect.

It hurts. I now know that suffering isn't what build friendships but it's hard to see when literally everybody around me has suffered more then me. I don't get why they would care about my life, yeah I suffer, Yeah my mother induces panic attacks in me every time I see her. I built my entire life on suffering because that's the one thing I've been missing from people or something. I don't know. My identity has become so linked to suffering that I cant give suffering up. It's like i'll only stop wanting to suffer if "it gets bad enough." the idea of not suffering 24/7 sends shivers down my spine. I don't want to suffer but I have to. It's like the only way I believe I matter. If I don't suffer 24/7 then what's the difference between me, and a bunch of evil billionaires CEO's. If don't suffer the most, then aren't I just evil. Everybody treats me like I'm evil for having trauma. I wish I could act human, and be human but years and years of isolation, being hypersexual, abuse (if you can call it that IDK even know) fucks the brain up. I feel so outside everybody like I've only been allowed to glance through a little key hole. I thought if I suffered enough they would love me, but that only ended up pushing my friends away. Why do people brag about being in pain, then when I do it suddenly im evil? As a trans women do you just want me to be your dog? Like is my only purpose to be a toy for non trans people? am I just some entertaining trend, that'll be dropped 5 seconds later. I don't believe people when they say I'm pretty or anything like that. Nobodies meant that, I mean I've barely been told that in person. I'm not saying I do suffer the worst, but why am I treated like I'm evil and pathetic when I do suffer.