u/Zealousideal-Cow4430

Now I know time loops don't actually happen but my god am I going insane, and my god I think im im the first real one. Im unemployed because my mental health got so bad I couldn't get a summer job in time. (still in high-school so luckily don't got to worry to much about jobs) I already am pretty isolated, and in june i started recovering from HORRIBLE mental health..... Well im back and it's worse. I am like only awake during the nights, and NOBODY i mean almost nobody has reached out to me (probs cause there all busy and awake.) I legit dissocate and zone out for hours, and then when morning comes, only then do I exist, and I try and reset my sleep schedule but somthing always get's in the way. Like one day I thought I had a dentist appointment, so I went to sleep, and woke up later in the day (cause afternoon appointment.) Once I had a good run, but all of the suddent I got kicked out of the shower, and then my mom started doing dishes I was about to do, then she comes up to me with THE WORST ATITUDE EVER, like she was being so snarky about it, as if I wasent about to do it. I was so annoyed I went to sleep. Over the course of I dont know how many days (like I cannot remember anything) I have had the worst sleep, the worst dissocation, the worst everything. I am constantly tired, and in 24/7 pain. It is another level of hell. i cant do anything, because my brain is in constant waiting mode. wanna work on my summer work for my honor classes, welp I cant, I physically cant. Wanna read a book? I physically cant. Apparently recently I deleted an importent journal I had for dissociation so maybe thats why things got worse? also I have nothing to distract me. God im in pain. My tiktok FYP has become so bad it's all movie clips because my brain is turned off 24/7

When will the cycle stop?

IM not human compared to others. I cant make friends like you can. Im sub human, Im not even human just a toy for others. thinking humans can love me is funny. THey eaither think im satan, or belong in a kink cage. THat's it. You cannot like me, trans women cannot be liked by anybody thats basic universal law. Ill always be alone. Just like when I was isolated because everybody sucked my abusers off. Thats it the entire queer community went agaisnt me because I did the henious cirme of not getting abused. TO think even the queer community hates me. I hate myself. I mean im not even human am I. And to think the last person to love me is gone How sad. No i cant make more friends Ill just get absued all over again, thats it. FRiendshsips tatke to much energy, and in the end they use you for their pleasure. THey only "care" about you because to them it's like losing your phone. losing a servent. they wouldnt care about me. Ive been worthless since I was in pre-k.