u/Eggwantingtocrack

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I am so overwhelmed and confused. I’ve reached a crossroads, and I don’t know which way I should go. Neither answer is fully right nor wrong. One plan of self sacrifice, where I ignore the past actions of those who have been horrifically wrong to me. Continuing a path that was set out for me. Two the path where in which lies my freedom yet also my struggle. Sacrificing financial and physical security in an attempt of my own freedom. 

I’m really scared my parents have curated a perfect reputation with nearly everybody that I know. I have a hard time believing that anyone could truly come to accept their double sided nature. I graduated high school yesterday and I couldn’t help but notice how happy my parents were acting as if they hadn’t just yesterday been screaming words I would dare utter. It seems like everything is going well for everyone except me in my family and me not accepting the abuse causes more struggles. I’m scared of losing my grandparents as they are the only family that ever really loved me.

I’m scared nobody will believe me because of my parents reputation. I mean my parents used it to their advantage when I reported them to the police 4 years ago. Convince the police I was “retarded” “did know what I was doing” “thought it was like writing a letter to Santa Claus” (real quotes by them to the police). The police believed them. I’m scared they would just manipulate the police again. Aside my small town police department doesn’t have a good track record with child abuse. 

Also, as I've been thinking about it, would a lawyer be useful in this situation? 

I talked to a counselor and they suggested I should suffer through it until I have enough money but I can’t take the mental pain anymore. He is right as I do need more money and money takes time. I don’t have that much time since my family has a planned vacation on May 28. If anyone has any ideas of how I can avoid this vacation it is greatly appreciated. 

My physical pain has been worse than ever. I have developed more ripping scars on my back making it even more painful to move. The constant pain has made sleep difficult and hard to come by. I’m also hobbling way more frequently than I used to as running becomes more painful. 

Dysphoria has been extra rough this last week as I’ve been consistently having extreme bouts of self hate throughout the week. I desperately want to leave this gross ugly disgusting body I must persist in. I hate faking who I am constantly to appease my parents and my peers. I just want to be a girl. I want pretty.

I’ve been so depressed I can stand living some time with how stressed and horrible life is. I have a hard time finding reasons to keep going any more. I’m going to die young anyway because of my medical issues. Was I just destined to suffer. Would anyone truly miss me when I’m gone. Will I be remembered even 10 years after my death. Will I just end up as a tragic tale to be forgotten.

Most of all I’ve been really lonely this week. I just really want to hug or be hugged by someone. To cry on somebody's shoulder. To feel loved. To know that everything‘s gonna be all right. Or just to be shown basic forms of affection. God I just wanna be loved.

If you have any advice it is greatly appreciated as I desperately need it. 

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I now have a deadline for when I have to escape by May 28. I'm terrified. This last week has unequivocally been one of the worst weeks of my life. I am so overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. I keep spiraling into despair and everything seems to be going wrong. I desperately need advice.

May 28 is the day my parents plan to go on vacation and there is no way in hell I’m going with them. Vacations in my family are hellish unenjoyable isolation events that come every year. Now that I have a date I’m incredibly nervous and overwhelmed. 
Here my main issue and their status (it not good):

Medication: I have no feasible way of maintaining a consistent flow of the medication. The medication that keeps me alive. The only possible solution is plan parenthood since it may be able to help. Even with that I have no way to pay for the insanely expensive medical appointments. (Any idea and advice is greatly appreciated)

Money: I'm making money but barely and with gas prices I may start losing money for working soon. I have in total 5,000 dollars to my name.

I’ve been a panicked mess all week trying to print off physical copies of my evidence of my parents' abuse. I don’t know how I will even contact, let alone explain things to a lawyer. Knowing me I’ll probably have a panic attack while talking to one. 

With my anxiety and depression at their peak I keep having traumatic moments resurface into my memory. I keep having nightmares about my brother trying to raping me. They are so vivid and grotesque every time I can stop myself from sobbing. I still feel so gross and disgusting from it. Sometimes I wonder if I deserved it. If I did something in the past life that made it me have to suffer.

With my declining physical condition, I’m more and more often fearing the thought of being alone with no one to take care of me as I become more disabled. I’m unsure if it is just a symptom of the years of neglect but I find myself fearing that lonely possibility. I’m probably going to start using a cane in the next few weeks as the ligaments in my legs tend to degrade quicker than my upper body. I also am looking into getting some sort of corset or external back supporting device as my back scars are increasing.

I sometimes get jealous of people for an assortment of reasons. Getting jealous that other people can live their lives without the constant feeling of pain. Jealous of real girls, though most of the time it’s just gender envy. Jealous of people that never had to be abused. I know it’s pointless since I know reality is cruel and it’s nature.

I’m so touch starved and desperately need to be shown the bare minimum of love that one can receive. I want someone to make me feel I’m not alone in life. I’d be a good partner just really crippled, mentally scared, and desperately need love. 

I just want to be a girl!!! Why did I have to be born in this gross body? “My” skin feels wrong on my body. I feel as though I’m wearing a skin suit that doesn't match me at all. I hate everything about this body; it ugly and disgusting. Why must I have to be stuffed with this accursed body?

If you all have any advice or suggestions it is greatly appreciated. As I desperately need to get out quickly. :3

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Right now I feel like a shell of a human if I can’t even call myself human at this point. It only seems to be getting worse and the struggle to find a reason to keep going Hope is  getting harder and harder. I know it’s stupid, but I sometimes wish I was never born. Because I wouldn’t have had to suffer. 

Mentally, and physically I am the worst I’ve ever been. My mental decline has obviously exaggerated my symptoms of depression.With my will to live being at an all-time low. Self hate, and the constant belittling by my parents does not help either. Constantly stressed out about escaping my family. I have anxiety on how I’m going to continue my prescriptions. With my self made decline to escape coming closer I’m getting more and more anxious.

I’m scared I’ll get cold feet and because I’ve purposely not care about the schedule of things after the date I’ll be screwed if I don’t escape. I'm worried I'm not doing enough substantial things and my actions are in vain. I’m still looking for a car at my incredibly low budget and with gas prices so low I’m incredibly concerned. I’ve had this worry for a while but I'm scared people will not believe me and not even if I show them proof since my parents have such a spotless record. Finally there is one person I really want to convince but they are good friends with my mom but they are also a mother figure to me when my mom falls flat. Which is all the time btw. I’m hoping this weekend I can make physical versions of digital evidence. I’d like to put all of it on a thumb drive. Also I’d like to make a transcript of some conversations. 

I’ve been sexually assaulted, beaten, attacked, manipulated, neglected, partially raped, and forgotten by my family. Yet I find it hard to get rid of the tiny spec love I feel over them. I guess it is from the years of manipulation. That manipulation has spread to all people my parents have relationships with. It’s human nature to show different sides of yourself to different people. But when those sides are so vastly different and crude, it becomes jarring and horrifying seeing those same people act kind to others.

Years on years of no proper lover or care is taking its violent toll on my mental health. I’m desperate for any form of love and good touch. I’m so touch starved I break at even the slightest amount of touch. I want to be loved without being hurt. Hug without the fear of being groped. I wish I could just turn my brain off and be loved without the bad memories. I want to be someone’s good girl. I’m scared that if I don’t find someone now I’ll be stuck alone dying and crippled with nobody to help me. I’m so useless.

Screw dysphoria I want to be the girl I see in my dreams. I want to be pretty, happy, and loved like here. I want to be everything I’m currently not. Nobody would want me. I'm crippled, ugly, and don’t look anything close to a girl. I want estrogen so bad I hate my body it’s so gross and disgusting. God I wish I was a real girl so then I wouldn’t have to deal with dysphoria. It won’t matter if I had all the organs that came with being born a woman. Since I’d never have a child anyway. Oh fun fact I’ve made a pact with myself that I would never have a biological child in any way. Since I don’t want any more people to have to unnecessarily suffer due to my genetics. 

I don’t know when I’m going to die but I know I will like any other person. What I also know is that I’m currently dying myself. My skin and muscles are ripping in my lower back causing scars from tearing. Joint pain makes every movement feel painful. Migraines constantly causing head splitting pain. I personally predict by the rate things are going I’d give myself 5 to 10 years until i completely lose the ability to walk. But even that is being generous. 

Also thank you to all who reach out and dm I’m trying my best to dm back but with so many of you I can be overwhelming.  XOXO

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)