u/Eggwantingtocrack

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another horrible, stressful, and otherwise terrible week has come to a close. As what seems to be far too common there is no good news today. But of course bad news is plentiful both personally and broadly. This rather unhumorous reality seems to find itself comical in its cruelty. 

Nothing new to report with my physical status. My back is still causing me unimaginable agony. While my legs I still has unstable as ever. My joints still pop & ache at the slightest bit of movement. Just the usual unfortunate suffering I’ve come to expect out of my life. There is no comfort to be found in my circumstances. All of the hurt and pain. Chronic pain is the most evil and unnecessary thing in the universe. What do you mean the pain will never go away and will only get worse! What do you mean I will never have a moment when I'm not in unending agony. WHY?! :<

Fear can be found in every person. Fear is a constant found in all sentient life. Our fears tell a lot about us as they are the culmination of our life experiences put into a sensible feeling of dread. My fears say a lot about me. My main 3 fears are that:

In the end, my life was meaningless. Every decision I made never truly amounted to anything. That all the pain and suffering I’ve endured amounts to nothing. Is that every challenge, every heartache, every abuse that I faced leads to nothing. So I will be forgotten the only evidence of my existence being a moss covered gravestone. A stone with the wrong name, but no one to correct it.

I’ll keep failing. I never escape from my parents' grasp. Force to constantly relive my parents “bipolar” cycle. Never able to truly express myself. Being forced to suppress who I am. Never allowing me to transition.

I alone body decaying never do find somebody to love me. Left without help as I lose my ability to walk. 

I've had some of the worst dysphoria in my entire life this week. Literally every single time I see a slight bit of my reflection I get uncomfortable. I want to start hrt so badly but I’m too broke and don’t have any place to go get it. So I’m left just hating myself. Lately I have found myself in a depressive loop for the simple fact of how I was born. Like every in my life it’s a mistake and I wish for a different outcome. Every second I feel like I’m lying to others. Lying to myself by acting male. 

How do people find love? Like seriously. To say I’m social inept is an understatement. Years of restrictive parenting, social isolation, and constant appointments have left me socially stunted. I’m awkward, weird, and strange sometimes. I apologize constantly for fear of offending or hurting someone. I have never been in a relationship and well I’m scared that means I’m truly unlovable. Can I blame them? My own parents never loved me. The only love they did exhibit was extremely conditional. I can understand why nobody wants to love a traumatized crippled scar covered trans girl.

I started college yesterday. Which does mean less time at home. Which is incredibly nice. Sadly no word on the 529 transfer so I’m planning to ask my father about it. :3

I know it’s really really fucked up, but I know how I’m probably gonna die. I don’t know when but I do know how. Some day the pain will become too much for even me to bear so I will make peace with all those I love. I will check my will. Then and only then will I kill myself. I don’t know the method. As my final fuck you to the universe. I will solace in knowing in this fucked up universe that has hurt and taken so much from me I will get the last laugh. 

(No poem sorry) :(

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another horrible, stressful, and otherwise terrible week has come to a close. As what seems to be far too common there is no good news today. But of course bad news is plentiful both personally and broadly. This rather unhumorous reality seems to find itself comical in its cruelty. 

Nothing new to report with my physical status. My back is still causing me unimaginable agony. While my legs I still has unstable as ever. My joints still pop & ache at the slightest bit of movement. Just the usual unfortunate suffering I’ve come to expect out of my life. There is no comfort to be found in my circumstances. All of the hurt and pain. Chronic pain is the most evil and unnecessary thing in the universe. What do you mean the pain will never go away and will only get worse! What do you mean I will never have a moment when I'm not in unending agony. WHY?! :<

Fear can be found in every person. Fear is a constant found in all sentient life. Our fears tell a lot about us as they are the culmination of our life experiences put into a sensible feeling of dread. My fears say a lot about me. My main 3 fears are that:

In the end, my life was meaningless. Every decision I made never truly amounted to anything. That all the pain and suffering I’ve endured amounts to nothing. Is that every challenge, every heartache, every abuse that I faced leads to nothing. So I will be forgotten the only evidence of my existence being a moss covered gravestone. A stone with the wrong name, but no one to correct it.

I’ll keep failing. I never escape from my parents' grasp. Force to constantly relive my parents “bipolar” cycle. Never able to truly express myself. Being forced to suppress who I am. Never allowing me to transition.

I alone body decaying never do find somebody to love me. Left without help as I lose my ability to walk. 

I've had some of the worst dysphoria in my entire life this week. Literally every single time I see a slight bit of my reflection I get uncomfortable. I want to start hrt so badly but I’m too broke and don’t have any place to go get it. So I’m left just hating myself. Lately I have found myself in a depressive loop for the simple fact of how I was born. Like every in my life it’s a mistake and I wish for a different outcome. Every second I feel like I’m lying to others. Lying to myself by acting male. 

How do people find love? Like seriously. To say I’m social inept is an understatement. Years of restrictive parenting, social isolation, and constant appointments have left me socially stunted. I’m awkward, weird, and strange sometimes. I apologize constantly for fear of offending or hurting someone. I have never been in a relationship and well I’m scared that means I’m truly unlovable. Can I blame them? My own parents never loved me. The only love they did exhibit was extremely conditional. I can understand why nobody wants to love a traumatized crippled scar covered trans girl.

I started college yesterday. Which does mean less time at home. Which is incredibly nice. Sadly no word on the 529 transfer so I’m planning to ask my father about it. :3

I know it’s really really fucked up, but I know how I’m probably gonna die. I don’t know when but I do know how. Some day the pain will become too much for even me to bear so I will make peace with all those I love. I will check my will. Then and only then will I kill myself. I don’t know the method. As my final fuck you to the universe. I will solace in knowing in this fucked up universe that has hurt and taken so much from me I will get the last laugh. 

(No poem sorry) :(

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Four years that’s how long it’s been since I had a single day where I wasn’t in constant pain. Over 1200 days since the last time I didn’t suffer. The part that messes with me the most is THE PAINS ONLY GETTING WORSE. There’s no cure, treatment, or antidote. What’s the point if it's only going to get worse. Why should I bear the agony if it is only going to worsen? Condemning myself to a future filled with worse anguish. As every second of pain now is the same pain i will feel in the future. Why do I keep going? 

This week I have been overcome by my mental stalemate as I can’t bear to lose certain people in my life, but I’m unsure if I am able to help them see through my parents' manipulation. Losing them would likely mentally break me. As these are the people who actually showed me some semblance of love and care in my life. What should I do? I keep having panic attacks about this as I’m unsure what to do.

No updates regarding my 529 for now as my payment is still being processed. Hopefully it should go through soon. :3 

I talked about it last week, but I cried way too much. Like I don’t think somebody should be crying a minimum of three times every day. Crying myself to sleep everyday can’t be good for my health. Depression over everything has really made it hard to stop my incessant crying. I have had multiple episodes of crying as I keep being reminded of my brother raping me. I have to see him every day. Every day I have to see the same people who have hurt me all my life. Those same people that brought me into this living hell.

6 months is the amount of time since the last time I was touched/hugged consensually. In the six months has it happened unconsensually? Yes, my mother has a habit of trying to corner me, forcing me into hugging her to get out. She also will try to grab at me inappropriately. Yes it is as gross as you can imagine. Every time I feel completely violated and disgusted. After years of me telling her NO. She continually ignores my pleas.

It hurts to not be loved even by yourself. Though I may try, it always ends up the same. I look in the mirror and hate who I see. It isn't me more of a distorted reflection of everything I hate about myself. I cant see the girl i want to be but instead the broken man. I wish so much to be a girl. I want to live out my lesbian dreams. I want to be pretty. I want to be someone I can actually love. Some that I can look in the mirror and smile at. 

I try not to think about it too much but this week I will admit I did feel like killing myself. The pain will never go away. All my goals have been rendered unachievable as I slowly lose function. What's the point of it all? To prove that I can or some inspirational bullshit. I’m suffering from a medical condition no one can cure. I have been hit, beaten, sexualy asualted, and raped. I was scared from multiple unconsensual surgeries. Dysphoric because this world is unendingly cruel gave me a gross male body. I'm in hell and death is so tempting. I’ll be forgotten in 5 to 10 years if that anyway. If my purpose was to suffer I've done a great job. I won't live to be old anyway. I’ll die as I live in the same constant agony.  What's the point?  

Years of pain
Years of anguish 
Years of so much languish 
Years I’ve wait
Years I’ve bided 
Years I’ve been left unguided 

I wish for love
I wish for life 
I wish for one day that I may be a wife
I wish to be happy 
I wish to be free
I wish to smile with genuine glee

Suffering from hurt
Suffering from pain 
Suffering that I must contain 
Suffering in life
Suffering in death
Suffering in each and every breath 
 
Hurt by mother 
Hurt by father
Hurt by them so why should I bother
Hurt that lasts
Hurt that stays
Hurt that lasts for days

I miss those who I lost
I miss those who died
I miss those who let me confide 
I miss the nostalgia 
I miss the delusion 
I miss when there was a happy conclusion 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another week has passed and for the first time in maybe a year I have some potential good news. But it is my life so that good news has to be pair with some exponentially worst news. Because this world do so love to be consistent. After so many years, you’d think that I’d be accustomed to my lifes plot, twist and irony I am not.

Firstly, the good news. Threw a bit of careful wording and inconspicuous questioning. I will be able to gain ownership of my 529 after the first tuition payment. I made sure to record audio of it so my parents claim that they didn’t make a verbal agreement. 

Now the bad news. Things with my body have gotten way worse. I’ve talked about how I love to go exploring as it allows me to be outside and avoid my parents. Well I went out exploring recently and nearly collapsed in the middle of the woods. I know I work my body too hard and we'll explore but still I felt so pathetic and weak. I was a few miles from civilization so I was able to walk back but still feel so useless. It may have been the insane heat wave making my POTS worse but still I never used to do that.

In ever worse news I’ve started have disturbing nightmares of the times my brother tried to rape me. So far I woke up in cold sweat twice not fully remembering the nightmare just now it had something to do with that. These nightmares take away my only escape from the physical mental pain I go through. Sleep is the only time I let myself be vulnerable. Not to mention how it takes forever for me to sleep as I’m always kept up by my pain.

I cry a lot. Every day, I cry a minimum of three times twice while I’m working and once trying to go to sleep. I don’t think it's healthy to cry that much but I can help it. After years of suppressing, my emotions have left me a mess. Mentally and physically broken after years of neglect. 

Dysphoria is the worst feeling to ever exist.I keep looking into the mirror as the person that I see is not me. Instead it’s saying absurd depiction of everything. I hate about myself. I see my scars, the marks from the unsensual surgeries, my sunken eyes, the constant shaking from constantly being on edge, and the cuts and bruises caused by my fragile body. I’d give so much just to be good enough for myself.

I day dream about being hugged and being able to cry in somebody’s arms as they console me telling me I’m a “good girl”, “I’m safe”, and “nobody can hurt me anymore. I know it’s stupid but it’s sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. 

Poem: 
I cry from pain.
I cry from sorrow. 
I cry every day where I wallow. 
I cry in day. 
I cry in night. 
I cry always out of sight.

Pain from sadness.
Pain from fear.
Pain for everything I hold dear.
Pain in back.
Pain in front.
Pain that I always must confront 

All hour
All day
All the time in disarray
All is constant 
All is perpetual 
All never was consensual 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. :3

Another week has passed, rather lonely, as this week saw a major increase in my pain. Forced to deal with the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that comes with being at home. I’m sad to report that every situation has gotten worse as this week has really tested my resolve. I recede into my own mind to escape the force of reality. Thinking of it as extremely nostalgia biased memories of the past, hoping that they can give me the solace I need to keep going another day.

I’ve been in so much pain this week. I spent nearly half an hour lying on the bed of rocks next to a train track as the pain overwhelmed me while I was working. Days like these, I cursed the gods for my suffering. For my absolute physical ability to control or even to dampen the pain. Something like this must be from the cosmos or a curse to propagate my own suffering. Many nights by lying and rolling back and forth from pain, I push for anything to stop the pain. In the cruelest part of this joke, I do not know the punchline too is that not even medication and painkillers may ease the pain. As only the most addictive of substances would even slightly reduce my pain.

The worst part is I didn’t have to be this way. I’ve been told that when I was just in the womb, my parents had the option to screen for genetic illnesses so they could decide if they wanted to keep the child or stop its needless suffering. They never did that test. I think about it a lot. Even if they were 100% sure they wanted to keep me, they could’ve still identified early the many illnesses they suffer from today. They could’ve prevented years worth of self-doubt over why I wasn’t as good as my brother and the others my age. They had the money, but like most things in my life, they’d rather not waste the money on it.

I haven't had any progress on escaping, as I need to tiptoe around the situation to not raise suspicion. I’m hoping next week I can covertly work on obtaining my medical files, as the request link is tied to my parents. Things seem so slow, especially with how I’ve been in so much pain. 

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve seen any of my friends face-to-face. It’s been five months since the last time I was conceptually touched. I wish I took out these things, but years of abuse have made me not take it for granted. I love my friends more than anything in the world. They are all they have to rely on. They are all people that I can truly say really care about me. The thing about friends is they have lives of their own. And that’s where family is supposed to fill in, and well, my family didn't. That has left me in a weird state of limbo, as the time in which my family is supposed to occupy this instead is empty; they take me in a depressive stupor. I'm really lonely, and I need some love. I feel pathetic, as this just makes me feel. I don’t deserve any of that love. I have a hard time believing I deserve to live, let alone to be loved. Years of self doubt, manipulation, and degradation have left me a pathetic husk of a human. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for; as a child, I couldn’t have gotten even one of them. I hope something after I die that made me a singular atom of my body finds its place apart from something that receives the need love and care that it deserves.

I am 6 foot 1 inch twink covered in scars with the self-esteem of Eeyore the donkey and self-worth that is immeasurably low. I wish for every moment for these four things: to be loved, to escape, to be a girl, and not be in pain. I’ve never dated, nor have I ever had a partner. I have been the victim of two attempted rapes. I don’t know if I can ever be loved. I wish with all my heart that I could. That's who I am, a dreamer that wishes for freedom and love. 

I want to rip at my skin sometimes, and the dysphoria of my scar covered body overwhelms me. I wish for love, but yet I can't love myself. I can't love my body. I see it as a gross misrepresentation of who I am, not a reflection. My reflection is a reminder I can't bear to behold. I find the suffering rather difficult to sustain. HRT seems so far away as I'm trapped in this accursed reality. I wish nothing more than to just be me. 
If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people, it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, a chronically ill, depressed, touch-starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. Probably my longest ever. TLDR included:3 

As I long for the past, I realize that the past I remember is but an illusion made by rose-tinted glasses. The real good times were very few and far between, and what I thought were good memories take on whole new deeply disturbing meanings. I cry at anything that reminds me of my childhood, as I know I’ll never get it back. Years of my life ruined and destroyed. As all the other years were filled with social isolation and doctor's appointments. But yet I still yearn for it back. Before I realized I was being molested. Before I knew of my body's degradation. Before I had everything taken away.

**Physical Pain**:
Writing these posts will be a big challenge, as it’s very hard to truly encompass my feelings and experiences in words. There’s so much I want to say, but I don't have the literary know-how to express it. It’s hardest to describe the pain I go through because it’s me equating other things to express the physical form that I’m going through. As we all don’t share the same experiences, it’s impossible to truly explain fully the pain I feel. Yet every week I try to put words to the experiences I have. Giving you all a window into my life, or rather, my sad excuse for one.

"Grief" and "despair" are words. I seldom use, but I feel they are the perfect words to describe my current physical state. I am a 6 ft 1 in twink whose body is literally tearing apart. My ligaments and connective tissue are so weak I’m not able to maintain any form of muscle. Because of this weakness of ligaments, my back is perpetually in pain. Every waking second I feel a ripping and tearing pain throughout my body. To get back to the point. I find myself going through the stages of grief every few weeks. Grieving the decline of my physical health and ability. Feeling a pit of despair as I face the harsh realities of my current predicament. The crushing feeling that, despite all the hard work, I’ll do. I’ll never be equivalent to my peers.

I always tried to hide my disabilities, as I knew that if people knew about it, they could take advantage of it. My brother was one of those people. Being the lucky son of a bitch, he has got all the good genetics in my family and took full advantage of them. He knew that he had superior strength and physical ability. He used that fact as the BASIS for me being the equivalent to a human punching bag for him. Countless amounts of times he would attack me with brutal force. I tried to defend myself, but 99 times out of 100 I got overpowered. He would usually use his superior size to overwhelm and corner me. Nearly every time these fights would happen after he felt that he had properly attacked me. I would go crying in my bruised and bloody state to my parents, but my crying never really worked. Their punishments for him were nonexistent, and many times the fact that I fought back was used as a reason for the both of us to be punished. The majority of times my parents (my mother) would believe my brother that I was making it all up. You think that the bruises would be more than enough evidence, but alas, it was not. 

Over the years, my brother's attacks evolved. This mainly was caused by the inconceivably stupid idea to enroll both my brother and me into martial arts classes. Now think about that for a second with the context that my brother has anger issues and took them out on me. My parent had me and “A FUCKING CHILD WITH ANGER ISSUES LEARNS MARTIAL ARTS!" My brother went from bludgeoning to precise kicks and punches. I did also get the training but was never as good as he was, like everything in life. Then after a while it evolved to what it is now: a focus on choking me and using his weight to pin me. (That's how they managed to pin me down and violate me.) On multiple occasions I nearly fully passed out from lack of air due to his actions.

**Mental Pain**:
Going from physical to psychological pain, I’d like to clarify, as some of you asked about the surgeries I was forced into. There were 4 surgeries. 3 were on my forehead, which has resulted in a circle-indent-shaped scar. I try to hide them the best I can by always wearing a hat. It looks worse because I also have severe acne scarring as well. The scars lower my self-esteem to the negatives. The 4th surgery was another pain-management surgery that didn’t work, just not on my head. The second, third, & fourth surgeries were done despite my protest and rejection. They did force me to do these surgeries by driving me there and forcing me to sign or just forging my name. 

For all your information, this is the same place I nearly had the operation on my back that would have possibly paralyzed me. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that my parents forged my name and lied to the doctor. They had planned to have an operation done on my back that I repeatedly refused due to the high likelihood of failure and major complications. I only figured it out the day before the pre-operation checkup a few weeks before the surgery. I had to threaten to expose their forging and lying for them to stop. 

Depression sucks. I take antidepressants, but it’s too small a dose. Every time I tried to get a larger dose, my parents blew it out of proportion and took me to my psychiatrist. This psychiatrist would agree with anything they said and told me that I could pray my problems away. So I have to be under-medicated for clinical depression. :3 Yay, just what I need even less help with my depression.

Despair is a horrible state that I find myself in time and time again. My problems, big and small, only worsen as life continues. I have to face all my problems while feeling helpless to broader issues in modern life. I have to suffer so much pain while rich pedophiles are only getting richer and never facing consequences. My problems seem insignificant in the face of depravity. Yet I still despair over my suffering. The never-ending mental, physical, and verbal abuse is a backdrop to my rather bleak belief in the future. 

**Escaping**: 
I’m really sorry I can’t give you all a good update in regard to escaping. Nothing really has changed. My mom is still incredibly creepy and gross to me. No luck finding any information about my 529 account. I’ve just had to put my head down for the time being and work. Dealing with my mom's bipolar-esque mood shifts to the best of my abilities. (Note: My mom is undiagnosed but heavily implied to have severe OCD.)

I’m pretty hard on myself when it comes to everything. It probably comes from how I was never good enough for my parents and therefore myself. Since I was young, they had very high expectations of me, as they were very successful in their own fields. They had expectations for sports and academics that, if not met, would usually result in disappointment and backhanded encouragement. In contrast, my brother would be praised for his excellence and encouraged consistently. After a while I inadvertently mentally reinforced that anything I did was never good enough. Granted, my own actions and accomplishments really reinforced it, like my very average SAT score and GPA. 

I've never been good at anything. And anytime I would find something that I was potentially good at, I would be discouraged or ridiculed for my interest. All this has led me to have a very, very low sense of self-worth and self-esteem. “I always could be better.” “Why try if I’m just going to fail?" “A failure that is never good enough.” 

Not being loved for such a long time sucks. Knowing that all the affection you remember as a child was either manipulation or was just fake. I just want to feel loved. I need to cry in somebody’s arms and feel safe. I want to be somebody’s good girl. I want to make up for all the times I was never loved. I wish to live out my lesbian dreams before I die. Because I just don’t want to die alone. Before my life ends I want to experience true love & compassion. 

I want to be a girl so bad. I know people both say that they have one just because I say so, but my stupid brain has an impossible time trying to accept that. Every day I regret ever coming out to my parents because it made things so much worse. All my parents have done with it is just act incredibly creepy towards me and threaten to out me to my brother and members of my small town. I never get to act how I want, so I always feel fake. Being stuck with them has just made the dysphoria so much worse. I hate my body. It just makes me want to tear off my skin. I feel so trapped by my situation, stuck in the home with a family that doesn’t love me, in the body that I hate, as somebody that I am not. I want to be accepted as who I am. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. 

Being touch starved for me is weird. I desperately need a hug and to be loved. But I also am scared of people touching and hurting me. Maybe it’s from years of physical attacks by my brother. Or maybe it’s trauma from being molested. Most likely it’s both. I really need a hug or just physical contact to feel grounded and not alone. It’s been literal months since I have been touched consensually.

(TLDR) 
My body is in constant excruciating pain with no feasible end. I reflect on my younger brother's physical/sexual attacks. I continue to struggle to mentally deal with my fucked up childhood. My depression is worsening due to the current state of the world combined with my situation. I’m really mentally and physically broken right now, as no progress regarding leaving my parents has been made. Dysphoria is mentally kicking my ass. Life just keeps getting worse.

If you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life, and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people, it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, a chronically ill, depressed, touch-starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. Probably my longest ever. TLDR included:3 

As I long for the past, I realize that the past I remember is but an illusion made by rose-tinted glasses. The real good times were very few and far between, and what I thought were good memories take on whole new deeply disturbing meanings. I cry at anything that reminds me of my childhood, as I know I’ll never get it back. Years of my life ruined and destroyed. As all the other years were filled with social isolation and doctor's appointments. But yet I still yearn for it back. Before I realized I was being molested. Before I knew of my body's degradation. Before I had everything taken away.

Physical Pain:
Writing these posts will be a big challenge, as it’s very hard to truly encompass my feelings and experiences in words. There’s so much I want to say, but I don't have the literary know-how to express it. It’s hardest to describe the pain I go through because it’s me equating other things to express the physical form that I’m going through. As we all don’t share the same experiences, it’s impossible to truly explain fully the pain I feel. Yet every week I try to put words to the experiences I have. Giving you all a window into my life, or rather, my sad excuse for one.

"Grief" and "despair" are words. I seldom use, but I feel they are the perfect words to describe my current physical state. I am a 6 ft 1 in twink whose body is literally tearing apart. My ligaments and connective tissue are so weak I’m not able to maintain any form of muscle. Because of this weakness of ligaments, my back is perpetually in pain. Every waking second I feel a ripping and tearing pain throughout my body. To get back to the point. I find myself going through the stages of grief every few weeks. Grieving the decline of my physical health and ability. Feeling a pit of despair as I face the harsh realities of my current predicament. The crushing feeling that, despite all the hard work, I’ll do. I’ll never be equivalent to my peers.

I always tried to hide my disabilities, as I knew that if people knew about it, they could take advantage of it. My brother was one of those people. Being the lucky son of a bitch, he has got all the good genetics in my family and took full advantage of them. He knew that he had superior strength and physical ability. He used that fact as the BASIS for me being the equivalent to a human punching bag for him. Countless amounts of times he would attack me with brutal force. I tried to defend myself, but 99 times out of 100 I got overpowered. He would usually use his superior size to overwhelm and corner me. Nearly every time these fights would happen after he felt that he had properly attacked me. I would go crying in my bruised and bloody state to my parents, but my crying never really worked. Their punishments for him were nonexistent, and many times the fact that I fought back was used as a reason for the both of us to be punished. The majority of times my parents (my mother) would believe my brother that I was making it all up. You think that the bruises would be more than enough evidence, but alas, it was not. 

Over the years, my brother's attacks evolved. This mainly was caused by the inconceivably stupid idea to enroll both my brother and me into martial arts classes. Now think about that for a second with the context that my brother has anger issues and took them out on me. My parent had me and “A FUCKING CHILD WITH ANGER ISSUES LEARNS MARTIAL ARTS!" My brother went from bludgeoning to precise kicks and punches. I did also get the training but was never as good as he was, like everything in life. Then after a while it evolved to what it is now: a focus on choking me and using his weight to pin me. (That's how they managed to pin me down and violate me.) On multiple occasions I nearly fully passed out from lack of air due to his actions.

Mental Pain:
Going from physical to psychological pain, I’d like to clarify, as some of you asked about the surgeries I was forced into. There were 4 surgeries. 3 were on my forehead, which has resulted in a circle-indent-shaped scar. I try to hide them the best I can by always wearing a hat. It looks worse because I also have severe acne scarring as well. The scars lower my self-esteem to the negatives. The 4th surgery was another pain-management surgery that didn’t work, just not on my head. The second, third, & fourth surgeries were done despite my protest and rejection. They did force me to do these surgeries by driving me there and forcing me to sign or just forging my name. 

For all your information, this is the same place I nearly had the operation on my back that would have possibly paralyzed me. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that my parents forged my name and lied to the doctor. They had planned to have an operation done on my back that I repeatedly refused due to the high likelihood of failure and major complications. I only figured it out the day before the pre-operation checkup a few weeks before the surgery. I had to threaten to expose their forging and lying for them to stop. 

Depression sucks. I take antidepressants, but it’s too small a dose. Every time I tried to get a larger dose, my parents blew it out of proportion and took me to my psychiatrist. This psychiatrist would agree with anything they said and told me that I could pray my problems away. So I have to be under-medicated for clinical depression. :3 Yay, just what I need even less help with my depression.

Despair is a horrible state that I find myself in time and time again. My problems, big and small, only worsen as life continues. I have to face all my problems while feeling helpless to broader issues in modern life. I have to suffer so much pain while rich pedophiles are only getting richer and never facing consequences. My problems seem insignificant in the face of depravity. Yet I still despair over my suffering. The never-ending mental, physical, and verbal abuse is a backdrop to my rather bleak belief in the future. 

Escaping: 
I’m really sorry I can’t give you all a good update in regard to escaping. Nothing really has changed. My mom is still incredibly creepy and gross to me. No luck finding any information about my 529 account. I’ve just had to put my head down for the time being and work. Dealing with my mom's bipolar-esque mood shifts to the best of my abilities. (Note: My mom is undiagnosed but heavily implied to have severe OCD.)

I’m pretty hard on myself when it comes to everything. It probably comes from how I was never good enough for my parents and therefore myself. Since I was young, they had very high expectations of me, as they were very successful in their own fields. They had expectations for sports and academics that, if not met, would usually result in disappointment and backhanded encouragement. In contrast, my brother would be praised for his excellence and encouraged consistently. After a while I inadvertently mentally reinforced that anything I did was never good enough. Granted, my own actions and accomplishments really reinforced it, like my very average SAT score and GPA. 

I've never been good at anything. And anytime I would find something that I was potentially good at, I would be discouraged or ridiculed for my interest. All this has led me to have a very, very low sense of self-worth and self-esteem. “I always could be better.” “Why try if I’m just going to fail?" “A failure that is never good enough.” 

Not being loved for such a long time sucks. Knowing that all the affection you remember as a child was either manipulation or was just fake. I just want to feel loved. I need to cry in somebody’s arms and feel safe. I want to be somebody’s good girl. I want to make up for all the times I was never loved. I wish to live out my lesbian dreams before I die. Because I just don’t want to die alone. Before my life ends I want to experience true love & compassion. 

I want to be a girl so bad. I know people both say that they have one just because I say so, but my stupid brain has an impossible time trying to accept that. Every day I regret ever coming out to my parents because it made things so much worse. All my parents have done with it is just act incredibly creepy towards me and threaten to out me to my brother and members of my small town. I never get to act how I want, so I always feel fake. Being stuck with them has just made the dysphoria so much worse. I hate my body. It just makes me want to tear off my skin. I feel so trapped by my situation, stuck in the home with a family that doesn’t love me, in the body that I hate, as somebody that I am not. I want to be accepted as who I am. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. 

Being touch starved for me is weird. I desperately need a hug and to be loved. But I also am scared of people touching and hurting me. Maybe it’s from years of physical attacks by my brother. Or maybe it’s trauma from being molested. Most likely it’s both. I really need a hug or just physical contact to feel grounded and not alone. It’s been literal months since I have been touched consensually.

(TLDR) 
My body is in constant excruciating pain with no feasible end. I reflect on my younger brother's physical/sexual attacks. I continue to struggle to mentally deal with my fucked up childhood. My depression is worsening due to the current state of the world combined with my situation. I’m really mentally and physically broken right now, as no progress regarding leaving my parents has been made. Dysphoria is mentally kicking my ass. Life just keeps getting worse.

If you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life, and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. Probably my longest ever. TLDR included:3 

As I long for the past I realize the the past I remember is but an illusion made by rose tinted glasses. The real good times were very few and far between and what I thought good memories take whole new deeply disturbing meanings. I cry at anything that reminds me of my childhood as I know I’ll never get it back. Years of my life ruined and destroyed. As all the other years were filled with social isolation and doctors appointments. But yet I still yearn for it back. Before I realized I was being molested. Before I knew of my body degradation. Before I had everything taken away.

Writing these houses will be a big challenge as it’s very hard to truly encompass my feelings and experiences into words. There’s so much I wanna say, but I don't have the literary know-how to express it. It’s hardest to describe the pain I go through because it’s me equating other things to express the physical for that I’m going through. As we all don’t share the same experiences it’s impossible to truly explain fully the pain I feel. Yet every week I try to the word would be experiences I have. Giving you all a window into my life or rather my sad excuse for one.

Grief and despair are words I seldom use, but I feel they are the perfect words to describe my current physical state. I am a 6ft 1in twink whose body is literally tearing apart. My ligaments and connective tissue are so weak I’m not able to maintain any form of muscle. Because of this weakness of ligaments my back is perpetually in pain. Every waking second I feel a ripping and tearing pain throughout my body. To get back to the point. I find myself going through the stages of grief every few weeks. Grieving the decline of my physical health and ability. Feeling a pit of despair as I face the harsh realities of my current predicament. The crushing feeling that spite all the hard work I’ll do. I’ll never be equivalent to my peers.

I always tried to hide my disabilities as I knew that if people knew about it, they could take advantage of it. My brother was one of those people. Him being the lucky son of a bitch he has got all the good genetics in my family and took full advantage of it. He knew that he had superior strength and physical ability. He used that fact as the BASIS for me being the equivalent to a human punching bag for him. Countless amounts of times he would attack me with brutal force. I tried to defend myself, but 99 times out of 100 I got overpowered and pummeled. Did I fight back? Of course I did though I had to fight dirty to even hope to defend myself. He would usually use his superior size to overwhelm and corner me. So I regrettably had to use my own nails as a weapon. Nearly every time these fights would happen after he felt that he had properly attacked me. I would go crying in my bruised and bloody state to my parents, but my crying never really worked. They’re punishments for him were nonexistent and many times the fact that I fought Mac Wish used as a reason for the both of us to be punished. The majority of times my parents (my mother) would believe my brother that I was making it all up. You think that the bruises would be more than enough evidence, but alas, it was not. 

Over the years, my brother's attacks evolved. This mainly was caused by the inconceivably stupid idea to enroll both my brother and I into martial arts classes. This was not your run-of-the-mill martial arts school, it was run by a former backup member for the American Olympic team. (for privacy reasons I am not disclosing what martial art). Now think about that for a second with the context that my brother has anger issues and took them out on me. My parent had me and A FUCKING CHILD WITH ANGER ISSUES LEARN MARTIAL ARTS. My brother went from bludgeoning with punches to precise kicks and punches. I did also get the training but was never as good as he was like everything in life. Then after a while it evolved to what it is now a focus on choking me and using his wait to pin me. (That's how they managed to pin me down and violate me.) On multiple occasions I nearly fully passed out from lack of air due to his actions.

Going from physical to psychological pain I’d like to clarify as some of you asked about the surgeries I was forced into. There were 4 surgeries. 3 were on my forehead which have resulted in a circle indent shaped scar. I try to hide them the best I can by always wearing a hat. It looks worse because I also have severe acne scarring as well. The scars lower my self esteem to the negatives. The 4th surgery was another  pain-management surgery that didn’t work just not on my head. The second, third, & fourth surgery were done despite my protest and rejection. They did force me to do these surgery by driving me there and forcing me to sign or just forging my name. 

For all your information this is the same place I nearly had the operation on my back that would have possibly paralyzed me. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that my parents forged my name and lied to the doctor. They had planned to have an operation done on my back that I repeatedly refused due to the high likelihood of failure and major complications. I only figured it out the day before the pre operation checkup a few weeks before the surgery. I had to threaten to expose them forging and lying for them to stop. 

Depression sucks. I take anti depressants but it’s too small of a dose. Every time I tried to get a larger dose my parents blew it out of proportion and took me to my psychiatrist. This psychiatrist would agree with anything they said and told me that I could pray my problems away. So I have to be under medicated with clinical depression. :3 yay just what I need even less help with my depression.

Despair is a horrible state that I find myself in time and time again. My problems big and small only worsen as life continues. I have to face all my problems while feeling helpless to broader issues in modern life. I have to suffer so much pain while rich pedophiles are only getting richer and never facing consequences. My problems seem insignificant in the face of depravity. Yet I still despair over my suffering. The never ending mental, physical, and verbal abuse is a backdrop to my rather bleak belief in the future. 

I’m really sorry I can’t give you all a good update in regards to escaping. Nothing really has changed. My moms still incredibly creepy and gross to me. No luck finding any information about my 529 account. I’ve just had to put my head down for the time being and work. Dealing with my moms bipolar esc mood shifts to the best of my abilities. (Note my mom is undiagnosed but heavily implied to have severe OCD)

I’m pretty hard on myself when it comes to everything. It probably comes from how I was never good enough for my parents and therefore myself. Since I was young, they had very high expectations of me as they were very successful in their own fields. They had expectations for sports in academics that if not meant would usually result in disappointment and backhanded encouragement. In contrast, my brother would be praised for his excellence and encouraged consistently. After a while I inadvertently mentally reinforced anything I did was never good enough. Granted my own action and accomplishments really reinforced it as my very average sat score and gpa. 

I've never been good at anything. And anytime I would find something that I was potentially good at it would discourage or ridiculed for my interest. All this has lead me to have a very very low sense of self worth and self esteem. “I always could be better.” “Why try if I’m just going to fail." “A failure that is never good enough.” 

Not being loved for such a long time sucks. Knowing that all the affection you remember as a child was either manipulation or was just fake. I just want to feel loved. I need to cry in somebody’s arms and feel safe. I want to be somebody’s good girl. I want to make up for all the times I was never loved. I wish to live out my lesbian dreams before I die. Because I just don’t want to die alone. Before my life ends I want to experience true love & compassion. 

I want to be a girl so bad. I know people both say that they have one just because I say so, but my stupid brain has an impossible time trying to accept that. Every day I regret ever coming out to my parents because it made things so much worse. All my parents have done with it is just act incredibly creepy towards me and threatened to out me to my brother and members of my small town. Never get to act how I want so I always feel fake. Being stuck with them has just made the dysphoria so much worse.

I hate my body so much for so many reasons. Dysphoria just makes me want to tear off my skin. It feels so trapped by my situation stuck in the home with a family that doesn’t love me in the body that I hate as somebody that I am not. I want to be accepted as somebody that I am. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. 

Being touch starved for me is weird. I desperately need a hug and loved. But I also am scared of people touching and hurting me. Maybe it’s from years of physical attacks by my brother. Or maybe it’s trauma from being molested. Most likely it’s both. I really need a hug or just physical contact to feel grounded and not alone. It’s been liberal month since I have been touched consensually

This world sucks right now. The economy is about to collapse due to the greeed of bomber and billionaire elites. Trans people are having their rights taken in many US states. A full on surveillance state is taking over the entire USA. The earth is dying from pollution from coal and oil production. Yet nobody stops them as they point the blame to us plebeians while they cause irreparable harm to the earth in pursuit of greed. Genuine empathy has been destroyed by deliberate manipulation by groups to turn anything serious into a joke so no true discourse may happen. Evil rich pedos are running free because of there wealth and status. I constantly worry about this stuff while also worrying about my current situation.

Way To Long Didn’t Read (WTLDR) 

My body is in constant excruciating pain with no feasible end. I reflect on my younger brother physically/s\*xual attacks. I continue to struggle to mentally deal with the my fucked up childhood. My depression is worsening due to the current state of the world combined with my situation. I’m really mentally and physically broken right now as no progress regarding leaving my parents has been made. Dysphoria is mentally kicking my ass. Life just keeps getting worse.

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. Probably my longest ever. TLDR included:3 

As I long for the past I realize the the past I remember is but an illusion made by rose tinted glasses. The real good times were very few and far between and what I thought good memories take whole new deeply disturbing meanings. I cry at anything that reminds me of my childhood as I know I’ll never get it back. Years of my life ruined and destroyed. As all the other years were filled with social isolation and doctors appointments. But yet I still yearn for it back. Before I realized I was being molested. Before I knew of my body degradation. Before I had everything taken away.

Writing these houses will be a big challenge as it’s very hard to truly encompass my feelings and experiences into words. There’s so much I wanna say, but I don't have the literary know-how to express it. It’s hardest to describe the pain I go through because it’s me equating other things to express the physical for that I’m going through. As we all don’t share the same experiences it’s impossible to truly explain fully the pain I feel. Yet every week I try to the word would be experiences I have. Giving you all a window into my life or rather my sad excuse for one.

Grief and despair are words I seldom use, but I feel they are the perfect words to describe my current physical state. I am a 6ft 1in twink whose body is literally tearing apart. My ligaments and connective tissue are so weak I’m not able to maintain any form of muscle. Because of this weakness of ligaments my back is perpetually in pain. Every waking second I feel a ripping and tearing pain throughout my body. To get back to the point. I find myself going through the stages of grief every few weeks. Grieving the decline of my physical health and ability. Feeling a pit of despair as I face the harsh realities of my current predicament. The crushing feeling that spite all the hard work I’ll do. I’ll never be equivalent to my peers.

I always tried to hide my disabilities as I knew that if people knew about it, they could take advantage of it. My brother was one of those people. Him being the lucky son of a bitch he has got all the good genetics in my family and took full advantage of it. He knew that he had superior strength and physical ability. He used that fact as the BASIS for me being the equivalent to a human punching bag for him. Countless amounts of times he would attack me with brutal force. I tried to defend myself, but 99 times out of 100 I got overpowered and pummeled. Did I fight back? Of course I did though I had to fight dirty to even hope to defend myself. He would usually use his superior size to overwhelm and corner me. So I regrettably had to use my own nails as a weapon. Nearly every time these fights would happen after he felt that he had properly attacked me. I would go crying in my bruised and bloody state to my parents, but my crying never really worked. They’re punishments for him were nonexistent and many times the fact that I fought Mac Wish used as a reason for the both of us to be punished. The majority of times my parents (my mother) would believe my brother that I was making it all up. You think that the bruises would be more than enough evidence, but alas, it was not. 

Over the years, my brother's attacks evolved. This mainly was caused by the inconceivably stupid idea to enroll both my brother and I into martial arts classes. This was not your run-of-the-mill martial arts school, it was run by a former backup member for the American Olympic team. (for privacy reasons I am not disclosing what martial art). Now think about that for a second with the context that my brother has anger issues and took them out on me. My parent had me and A FUCKING CHILD WITH ANGER ISSUES LEARN MARTIAL ARTS. My brother went from bludgeoning with punches to precise kicks and punches. I did also get the training but was never as good as he was like everything in life. Then after a while it evolved to what it is now a focus on choking me and using his wait to pin me. (That's how they managed to pin me down and violate me.) On multiple occasions I nearly fully passed out from lack of air due to his actions.

Going from physical to psychological pain I’d like to clarify as some of you asked about the surgeries I was forced into. There were 4 surgeries. 3 were on my forehead which have resulted in a circle indent shaped scar. I try to hide them the best I can by always wearing a hat. It looks worse because I also have severe acne scarring as well. The scars lower my self esteem to the negatives. The 4th surgery was another  pain-management surgery that didn’t work just not on my head. The second, third, & fourth surgery were done despite my protest and rejection. They did force me to do these surgery by driving me there and forcing me to sign or just forging my name. 

For all your information this is the same place I nearly had the operation on my back that would have possibly paralyzed me. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that my parents forged my name and lied to the doctor. They had planned to have an operation done on my back that I repeatedly refused due to the high likelihood of failure and major complications. I only figured it out the day before the pre operation checkup a few weeks before the surgery. I had to threaten to expose them forging and lying for them to stop. 

Depression sucks. I take anti depressants but it’s too small of a dose. Every time I tried to get a larger dose my parents blew it out of proportion and took me to my psychiatrist. This psychiatrist would agree with anything they said and told me that I could pray my problems away. So I have to be under medicated with clinical depression. :3 yay just what I need even less help with my depression.

Despair is a horrible state that I find myself in time and time again. My problems big and small only worsen as life continues. I have to face all my problems while feeling helpless to broader issues in modern life. I have to suffer so much pain while rich pedophiles are only getting richer and never facing consequences. My problems seem insignificant in the face of depravity. Yet I still despair over my suffering. The never ending mental, physical, and verbal abuse is a backdrop to my rather bleak belief in the future. 

I’m really sorry I can’t give you all a good update in regards to escaping. Nothing really has changed. My moms still incredibly creepy and gross to me. No luck finding any information about my 529 account. I’ve just had to put my head down for the time being and work. Dealing with my moms bipolar esc mood shifts to the best of my abilities. (Note my mom is undiagnosed but heavily implied to have severe OCD)

I’m pretty hard on myself when it comes to everything. It probably comes from how I was never good enough for my parents and therefore myself. Since I was young, they had very high expectations of me as they were very successful in their own fields. They had expectations for sports in academics that if not meant would usually result in disappointment and backhanded encouragement. In contrast, my brother would be praised for his excellence and encouraged consistently. After a while I inadvertently mentally reinforced anything I did was never good enough. Granted my own action and accomplishments really reinforced it as my very average sat score and gpa. 

I've never been good at anything. And anytime I would find something that I was potentially good at it would discourage or ridiculed for my interest. All this has lead me to have a very very low sense of self worth and self esteem. “I always could be better.” “Why try if I’m just going to fail." “A failure that is never good enough.” 

Not being loved for such a long time sucks. Knowing that all the affection you remember as a child was either manipulation or was just fake. I just want to feel loved. I need to cry in somebody’s arms and feel safe. I want to be somebody’s good girl. I want to make up for all the times I was never loved. I wish to live out my lesbian dreams before I die. Because I just don’t want to die alone. Before my life ends I want to experience true love & compassion. 

I want to be a girl so bad. I know people both say that they have one just because I say so, but my stupid brain has an impossible time trying to accept that. Every day I regret ever coming out to my parents because it made things so much worse. All my parents have done with it is just act incredibly creepy towards me and threatened to out me to my brother and members of my small town. Never get to act how I want so I always feel fake. Being stuck with them has just made the dysphoria so much worse.

I hate my body so much for so many reasons. Dysphoria just makes me want to tear off my skin. It feels so trapped by my situation stuck in the home with a family that doesn’t love me in the body that I hate as somebody that I am not. I want to be accepted as somebody that I am. I want to be pretty. I want to be loved. 

Being touch starved for me is weird. I desperately need a hug and loved. But I also am scared of people touching and hurting me. Maybe it’s from years of physical attacks by my brother. Or maybe it’s trauma from being molested. Most likely it’s both. I really need a hug or just physical contact to feel grounded and not alone. It’s been liberal month since I have been touched consensually

This world sucks right now. The economy is about to collapse due to the greeed of bomber and billionaire elites. Trans people are having their rights taken in many US states. A full on surveillance state is taking over the entire USA. The earth is dying from pollution from coal and oil production. Yet nobody stops them as they point the blame to us plebeians while they cause irreparable harm to the earth in pursuit of greed. Genuine empathy has been destroyed by deliberate manipulation by groups to turn anything serious into a joke so no true discourse may happen. Evil rich pedos are running free because of there wealth and status. I constantly worry about this stuff while also worrying about my current situation.

Way To Long Didn’t Read (WTLDR) 

My body is in constant excruciating pain with no feasible end. I reflect on my younger brother physically/s*xual attacks. I continue to struggle to mentally deal with the my fucked up childhood. My depression is worsening due to the current state of the world combined with my situation. I’m really mentally and physically broken right now as no progress regarding leaving my parents has been made. Dysphoria is mentally kicking my ass. Life just keeps getting worse.

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I hate myself. I hate what I have become. A husk broken dreams hosting nothing but pain and regret. While I struggle to sleep, I can’t help but think of my regrets and a life that could’ve been. Above all I hate my body. This cursed vessel of flesh I am bonded to reside in. A body slowly dying and falling apart right in front of me. The forsaken vessel that curses me to never truly know a moment without pain. I know I shouldn’t! But my nonexistent self esteem and sense of self worth combined with years of ridicule and abuse has made it impossible to actually value myself. I’m an unlovable freak crippled who wishes they were a woman. Haven’t I suffered enough? Can I suffer no longer? 

Mental:
It would be so easy to just kill myself. Free myself from the cruel reality. I’d not have to stay at night thrashing from pain. I’d never have to be hurt by my family. I'd never have to cry so much I get sick from the amount of crying. I’d quite simply be free. But I stop myself out of a sense of cowardice or I can’t bear to hurt the people that I love. I still feel as though it is an affront to those I care about that I even think about it. As I value my friends (that includes you all) more than anything in the world, they are the only people I have. I just wish the pain had a way to go away. 

As you’d expect from a person like me I’m very depressed. Sadness seems to just come with my life like a care package. With it being me I can’t be depressed over one thing it’s over a dozen piping hot depression makers. Here some of what makes me depressed in no particular order:
My declining health

The future of the world

Being nothing after death 

Never truly finding love 

The fact that even after everything I was still never good enough for my parents 

That evil people can get away with horrible crimes because of money

No remembering me after I die

Knowing I’m going to die young

The fact that I’ll never live up to the standards of a younger me.

The fact that I’ll never be able achieve any of my dreams  

Being broke

That all the people who were supposed to love me never did

When I have depressive episodes (at least once everyday) I think all about that stuff. 

Escape:
Escaping seems to be like a further and further away possibility as life seems to ruin and worsen my current situation. I am currently desperately trying to figure out a method of procuring my 529 from my parents. But my complete lack of knowledge regarding it has been a major road block. I’m still working but due to the shitty economy I’m not making that much. 
Here’s all I know: 
The money is for me

There is some person or entity that my parents will not disclose who is incharge of approving claims

My name is on it somewhere (supposedly as the custodian)

If anybody knows anything to do with 529 accounts I’d greatly appreciate it. For now I keep having panic attacks over trying to figure out how I can escape. I WANT TO BE FREE. 

Family/Abuse:
Today’s Example of How Crazy my parents are on the regular: Screaming is my worst trauma trigger I experienced. Well, this week has been full of screaming and yelling so it’s been completely horrible. Ten minutes before writing this part I was screamed at from behind a locked door as it was pounded on which was utterly terrifying. Who was it and what was the reason? My mom and I were taking too long in the shower and my brother wants to take a shower now. Sounds semi reasonable maybe aside from screaming and pounding on the door. Except there are multiple showers in the house! I guess the golden child needs his preferred shower?

There are a few certainties in this world: life, death, and my mom being a creep. Yup that’s right she’s at it again. Inappropriate questions, unprompted touching, and manipulation my mom has done it all. She’s constantly trying to get physically close to me and yet never respects any of my boundaries. Boundaries are more of a suggestion to my mom. 

I really really really regret even coming out to my mom as trans. Since she uses it as leverage against me. She also uses it to make really inappropriate and rude remarks about me. She’s incredibly bigoted/racist but it only comes out behind closed doors. She publicly stated that she a progressive ally but behind closed doors she completely switches up. But she does recognize her own bigotry or racism. It's one of the best examples of how she is so double sided and manipulative. 

Physical pain:
For the last three weeks, my physical pain has been worsening. But not in the normal way. See normally my chronic pain increases at a steady rate with occasional spikes of extreme pain. But now my pain has exponentially increased in severity. It's getting harder to do the things I love. I love exploring the woods in my local area finding old abandoned structures and free climbing up them. It's one of the ways I use to get out of the house. Everytime i do it I push my body way too hard and end up nearly passing out in the middle of nowhere. I do it a lot since I know soon I won't be able to anymore. 

Dysphoria:
It is hard to describe dysphoria to somebody who has never had it. Dysphoria like every in this world is different for everybody with a few commonalities. These are commonalities; a sense of extreme discomfort, one's appearance, feeling of being stuck in the wrong body, and the general sense of unease over one’s body. But it can vary in severity. I just wanted to share the general definition of the feeling so I can truly express how dysphoric I am.

I hate my body. Every square inch is disgusting to me. I know I’m being harsh but this is how I truly feel. I’m covered with scars since my body is weak. It scars at any kind of cut. My parents forced me to have 3 procedures that involved injection in my upper forehead. The surgeries never worked and left major scarring all over my forehead. I’m so dysphoric and hate it so much I cover it up with hats constantly. I hate how much of a crippled scar covered twink I am. 

I sadly didn’t get to celebrate pride this year like last year and the year before. I hope you all have had wonderful pride. I’m sadly very much alone for this pride that I’ve always been. I get it. I'm crippled depressed trans girl who has no self worth who has a very close expiration date. I do want to just feel the loving embrace of someone once. Familial or romantic I just want to feel cared for and actually loved. That love that I wasn’t good enough to get from my parents. I just want to know I matter.

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m so sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be longest post I’ve ever made. :3

I failed! I didn’t escape before the trip. I was forced on the trip and it was worse than anticipated. It was hellish. 24/7 with the people I hate most in the world. I was stuck in a room by myself with my brother who tried rape me. Stuck hundreds of miles away from any person who cared for me and my safety. I hate being stuck with these people that barely respect me as a human. The same people that would gladly abandon me the first chance they get. Having to constantly be around them with no personal space or respect for my autonomy.

How it all went wrong. I learned I didn't have custody of my 529 account (I previously miss labeled it as a W-5 but it is a 529). My parents lied, they never gave me full access as they said they did. So in basic terms they have all of my college savings. I have no way to pay for college without that because my savings account is barely enough to buy a used car. So I'm forced to stay in their bipolar ever changing good graces to be able to go to college. If you all have any suggestions on how I could get custody of that account I would greatly appreciate it.

The pain has gotten harder to bear. My Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) has made me a shell of a person.
It makes me heal extremely slowly. Literally everything scars me now. Extreme joint pain with ripping of my muscles because of the weakness of joints and tissues. Constant pain that makes sleep difficult/impossible. Reduces ability to grow muscle making me feel weak and pathetic. Heart problems that make my heart always race. I hate it so much it makes me feel like everything moment is hell. I wish for a cure that will not come. I wish I could go back and do the things I can’t do now. 

I don’t want to but I’m scared of dying because I know deep down that I’m dying already. My time is short. Shorter than what most people get. I know even if I live longer than I imagine I will be in excruciating pain all the same. I’ve predicted that I’ll be unable to walk in 5 to 10 years based on my current condition. My biggest fear is dying alone unfulfilled. To die without being able to transition and be my true self. To die before I could escape the clutches of my parents. To die without knowing what familial & romantic love feels like. To die without understanding why I was here just to suffer. 

Have you ever felt your dreams get crushed? Your goals taken from you made impossible by fate itself. I have and it is a devastating feeling. I’ve talked about it before but I have had a lot of things taken from me by this cruel reality we call home. One of my dreams was to be a professional golfer. I know tacky but still it was my dream. I was forced to quit by my parents and my doctor since I physically couldn’t play it anymore. My dream was crushed in an instant. Another dream of mine was to be able to be stronger than my brother so he couldn’t hurt me. Guess how that went. I’m scared of dreaming or having goals as they seem to always be taken from me.

I would like to see myself as a logical person but the sheer amount of misfortune that occurred to me has me sometimes wondering if I’m cursed. I’ve always held suspicions of an abnormal amount of unlucky things happening to me. Something’s I could explain away as pure coincidence or clumsiness but it gets to a point where it becomes apparent that something is up. Like every time something is going good in my life terrible things will happen. Like how every time I make any sort of effort to progress on my escaping from my parents things keep going horribly wrong.

I know I won’t kill myself but I find it impossible not to think about doing it. One final failure to end it all. A final mercy for myself to end my own suffering. I’d never have to feel the pain again. I’d never have to fear being raped or assaulted. I’d finally know the peace of being without pain for the first time. But alas I cannot from either cowardice, hope, or love I cannot let myself. I know one day my suffering may end but I may not know the hour but I take solace that it will come.

Dysphoria is a hell of a feeling. It has gotten to the point that I’ll have bouts of dysphoria where “my” skin feels icky and wrong. A feeling of the skin not truly being my own. Why couldn’t I just have been born differently? Why did I have to be born as this freak? I just wanted to be a girl! I want to start my hrt! But no, now I have to be stuck in this hellish situation where everything seems to want me to fail. 

Happy pride! Idk if I have ever talked about it but I desperately want to be a lesbian. But everything about that seems impossible. I haven’t transitioned. I’ve never dated nor had a partner. I so desperately want to feel loved. I want to know what it’s like so bad. I want to know the joy of being loved. I just want to know what it’s liked to be touched without the fear of being hurt or violated!

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may no be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I'm panicking, the clock is ticking down and I’m terrified of what's to come. My preparations are not where I would like them to be. More and more I’m scared of who will take my side with how manipulative my parents have been. A few friends of mine are helping format the evidence that I’ve collected. After we are done a friend of mine is friends with a local police officer. I’m also nervous about the police investigation because of my history with their nonsubtle manner of investigation. Things are getting far too real and I’m incredibly terrified especially about losing people. 

I’m trying to buy myself some more time by not going on the family vacation my parents have planned. It isn’t going so well as my parents argue that it’s a family trip and everyone has to go. I’ve tried every way I could think of but nothing seems to work. They said they would rather have me drop my college class than not go on the trip. I've repeatedly told them to respect my wishes for once and let me stay home to work. If you have any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. (I'm going to push the angle of me being an adult more) 

In some more sad news my parents still retain custody of my 529 (aka all my college savings) as it was not automatically transferred to my full custody when I was 18. So I'm only a custodian and not the full owner of the account. So unless I can sue for full custody I have no savings for college. 

The stress of all of this has been extremely detrimental for my mental health. I feel so alone in this as with school being out I have no adult to reach out without the risk of my parents sneaking their way into the conversation. Things seem to only be getting worse and more nerve racking. My heart is constantly pounding like a drum in my ears constantly from stress. 

I had my first ever dream where I was called a girl and correctly gendered and it made waking & just this week in general feel like a nightmare. I want to go back to the dream world where I’m loved and accepted. Dreaming may be the only place I’m truly happy and loved. 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I am so overwhelmed and confused. I’ve reached a crossroads, and I don’t know which way I should go. Neither answer is fully right nor wrong. One plan of self sacrifice, where I ignore the past actions of those who have been horrifically wrong to me. Continuing a path that was set out for me. Two the path where in which lies my freedom yet also my struggle. Sacrificing financial and physical security in an attempt of my own freedom. 

I’m really scared my parents have curated a perfect reputation with nearly everybody that I know. I have a hard time believing that anyone could truly come to accept their double sided nature. I graduated high school yesterday and I couldn’t help but notice how happy my parents were acting as if they hadn’t just yesterday been screaming words I would dare utter. It seems like everything is going well for everyone except me in my family and me not accepting the abuse causes more struggles. I’m scared of losing my grandparents as they are the only family that ever really loved me.

I’m scared nobody will believe me because of my parents reputation. I mean my parents used it to their advantage when I reported them to the police 4 years ago. Convince the police I was “retarded” “did know what I was doing” “thought it was like writing a letter to Santa Claus” (real quotes by them to the police). The police believed them. I’m scared they would just manipulate the police again. Aside my small town police department doesn’t have a good track record with child abuse. 

Also, as I've been thinking about it, would a lawyer be useful in this situation? 

I talked to a counselor and they suggested I should suffer through it until I have enough money but I can’t take the mental pain anymore. He is right as I do need more money and money takes time. I don’t have that much time since my family has a planned vacation on May 28. If anyone has any ideas of how I can avoid this vacation it is greatly appreciated. 

My physical pain has been worse than ever. I have developed more ripping scars on my back making it even more painful to move. The constant pain has made sleep difficult and hard to come by. I’m also hobbling way more frequently than I used to as running becomes more painful. 

Dysphoria has been extra rough this last week as I’ve been consistently having extreme bouts of self hate throughout the week. I desperately want to leave this gross ugly disgusting body I must persist in. I hate faking who I am constantly to appease my parents and my peers. I just want to be a girl. I want pretty.

I’ve been so depressed I can stand living some time with how stressed and horrible life is. I have a hard time finding reasons to keep going any more. I’m going to die young anyway because of my medical issues. Was I just destined to suffer. Would anyone truly miss me when I’m gone. Will I be remembered even 10 years after my death. Will I just end up as a tragic tale to be forgotten.

Most of all I’ve been really lonely this week. I just really want to hug or be hugged by someone. To cry on somebody's shoulder. To feel loved. To know that everything‘s gonna be all right. Or just to be shown basic forms of affection. God I just wanna be loved.

If you have any advice it is greatly appreciated as I desperately need it. 

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I now have a deadline for when I have to escape by May 28. I'm terrified. This last week has unequivocally been one of the worst weeks of my life. I am so overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. I keep spiraling into despair and everything seems to be going wrong. I desperately need advice.

May 28 is the day my parents plan to go on vacation and there is no way in hell I’m going with them. Vacations in my family are hellish unenjoyable isolation events that come every year. Now that I have a date I’m incredibly nervous and overwhelmed. 
Here my main issue and their status (it not good):

Medication: I have no feasible way of maintaining a consistent flow of the medication. The medication that keeps me alive. The only possible solution is plan parenthood since it may be able to help. Even with that I have no way to pay for the insanely expensive medical appointments. (Any idea and advice is greatly appreciated)

Money: I'm making money but barely and with gas prices I may start losing money for working soon. I have in total 5,000 dollars to my name.

I’ve been a panicked mess all week trying to print off physical copies of my evidence of my parents' abuse. I don’t know how I will even contact, let alone explain things to a lawyer. Knowing me I’ll probably have a panic attack while talking to one. 

With my anxiety and depression at their peak I keep having traumatic moments resurface into my memory. I keep having nightmares about my brother trying to raping me. They are so vivid and grotesque every time I can stop myself from sobbing. I still feel so gross and disgusting from it. Sometimes I wonder if I deserved it. If I did something in the past life that made it me have to suffer.

With my declining physical condition, I’m more and more often fearing the thought of being alone with no one to take care of me as I become more disabled. I’m unsure if it is just a symptom of the years of neglect but I find myself fearing that lonely possibility. I’m probably going to start using a cane in the next few weeks as the ligaments in my legs tend to degrade quicker than my upper body. I also am looking into getting some sort of corset or external back supporting device as my back scars are increasing.

I sometimes get jealous of people for an assortment of reasons. Getting jealous that other people can live their lives without the constant feeling of pain. Jealous of real girls, though most of the time it’s just gender envy. Jealous of people that never had to be abused. I know it’s pointless since I know reality is cruel and it’s nature.

I’m so touch starved and desperately need to be shown the bare minimum of love that one can receive. I want someone to make me feel I’m not alone in life. I’d be a good partner just really crippled, mentally scared, and desperately need love. 

I just want to be a girl!!! Why did I have to be born in this gross body? “My” skin feels wrong on my body. I feel as though I’m wearing a skin suit that doesn't match me at all. I hate everything about this body; it ugly and disgusting. Why must I have to be stuffed with this accursed body?

If you all have any advice or suggestions it is greatly appreciated. As I desperately need to get out quickly. :3

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Right now I feel like a shell of a human if I can’t even call myself human at this point. It only seems to be getting worse and the struggle to find a reason to keep going Hope is  getting harder and harder. I know it’s stupid, but I sometimes wish I was never born. Because I wouldn’t have had to suffer. 

Mentally, and physically I am the worst I’ve ever been. My mental decline has obviously exaggerated my symptoms of depression.With my will to live being at an all-time low. Self hate, and the constant belittling by my parents does not help either. Constantly stressed out about escaping my family. I have anxiety on how I’m going to continue my prescriptions. With my self made decline to escape coming closer I’m getting more and more anxious.

I’m scared I’ll get cold feet and because I’ve purposely not care about the schedule of things after the date I’ll be screwed if I don’t escape. I'm worried I'm not doing enough substantial things and my actions are in vain. I’m still looking for a car at my incredibly low budget and with gas prices so low I’m incredibly concerned. I’ve had this worry for a while but I'm scared people will not believe me and not even if I show them proof since my parents have such a spotless record. Finally there is one person I really want to convince but they are good friends with my mom but they are also a mother figure to me when my mom falls flat. Which is all the time btw. I’m hoping this weekend I can make physical versions of digital evidence. I’d like to put all of it on a thumb drive. Also I’d like to make a transcript of some conversations. 

I’ve been sexually assaulted, beaten, attacked, manipulated, neglected, partially raped, and forgotten by my family. Yet I find it hard to get rid of the tiny spec love I feel over them. I guess it is from the years of manipulation. That manipulation has spread to all people my parents have relationships with. It’s human nature to show different sides of yourself to different people. But when those sides are so vastly different and crude, it becomes jarring and horrifying seeing those same people act kind to others.

Years on years of no proper lover or care is taking its violent toll on my mental health. I’m desperate for any form of love and good touch. I’m so touch starved I break at even the slightest amount of touch. I want to be loved without being hurt. Hug without the fear of being groped. I wish I could just turn my brain off and be loved without the bad memories. I want to be someone’s good girl. I’m scared that if I don’t find someone now I’ll be stuck alone dying and crippled with nobody to help me. I’m so useless.

Screw dysphoria I want to be the girl I see in my dreams. I want to be pretty, happy, and loved like here. I want to be everything I’m currently not. Nobody would want me. I'm crippled, ugly, and don’t look anything close to a girl. I want estrogen so bad I hate my body it’s so gross and disgusting. God I wish I was a real girl so then I wouldn’t have to deal with dysphoria. It won’t matter if I had all the organs that came with being born a woman. Since I’d never have a child anyway. Oh fun fact I’ve made a pact with myself that I would never have a biological child in any way. Since I don’t want any more people to have to unnecessarily suffer due to my genetics. 

I don’t know when I’m going to die but I know I will like any other person. What I also know is that I’m currently dying myself. My skin and muscles are ripping in my lower back causing scars from tearing. Joint pain makes every movement feel painful. Migraines constantly causing head splitting pain. I personally predict by the rate things are going I’d give myself 5 to 10 years until i completely lose the ability to walk. But even that is being generous. 

Also thank you to all who reach out and dm I’m trying my best to dm back but with so many of you I can be overwhelming.  XOXO

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)