r/Nestofeggs

In a recent post I mentioned I was struggling with my religion (born & raised catholic), which I don't particularly care for, but my family expect me to participate in.

Today I finally sat down & spoke with my mom & told her I was having issues with the church & need a break from it for a while. She was understanding about it, saying she knows of some other people with similar problems. We said that if I eventually return to it that be nice but honestly IDK if I will.

Anyway part of why I broke today was that it's the sunday after Independance Day here in the US, & as a rural religious red state I know the religion crowd is going to be insufferable today & I just can't deal with that.

Today I feel awfully hot today and everyday it seems like my ability to control my anger is slipping. Life feels so unreal, the past 2 weeks felt like it just went by and I don't feel present at all.

I have a lot on my mind so this is going to be essentially 3 posts in 1 lol

1. Struggling religiously. I was born & raised catholic but I can't take it anymore. I'm not super religious anymore, but I live with my parents who, while progressive & supportive of me being trans, still think I'm catholic & expect me to join them for church on sundays. But I can't stand it. I can't IDK what to do.

2. I'm tired of being a freak. I feel like some sort of lab rat that people keep poking at. People see me, they think I don't notice, but they see me with a look in their eyes that tells me of a concern that I'm suddenly going to snap or something. I hate it & feel disgusting, like a I'm a werewolf or something.

3. There are two other trans women I know of who are about the same age as me but I can't help but feel immensely envious of them, which makes me feel awful. They are both far prettier, more feminine, & more successful than I. One of them was out as trans before finishing high school, & she had the opportunity to go to prom which she passed on, a decision I respect and don't disagree with, but I can't help but feel incredibly jealous because I never had, or will have for the foreseeable future, an opportunity like that. I'll never even get to properly graduate high school anymore, what with me having dropped out & now being an adult. Fufk I wish I was normal. I wisb I was better

I'm disgusting

tried to discuss my gender non conforming "behavior" with my mom today. She said if it gets to "that" point I'm getting disowned. Now I want to go on hrt just to confirm that I am indeed trans before going full turbo boymode for the next 20 years of my life (18.6 amab rn).

No matter what I do I can't get my mind off thinking about my gender randomly. Fricking heatwave today, went on a long bike ride and yet I still found myself thinking about this.

Is this some sort of OCD like ruminating over dumb things that happened on the internet?

How can I make it stop?

Turbo boymode means that I basically work to the death.

Went to an event today and when I was asked for my name instead of the usual "john doe" I gave them my girl name instead. Idk whats going on it seems like there is now a noticeable disconnect to my assigned name.

Did full girlmode outfit today, felt really good but the dread appeared for a few moments when I re realize my soundings.

It feels as if some of the emotions felt hit an invisible roof. Idk how to put it, it low key felt weird to be happy.

This has got to be the first time I actually felt "happy" in a very long time. I went to this party thing, good thing I was a volunteer as I can distract myself with backend stuff whenever I feel disassociated. It still feels as if how happy I can be hit the roof, it felt too low.

I kept insisting to one of the dancers that I don't know how to dance, it turns out I can but I had to hand the duty off to my emotions, not my logic. It turns out I can dance as they complimented me.

No boymoding this time, I was full on girlie mode.

It feels oddly joyful when I was addressed by my girl name.

As always my perception of time is like it's on 2x speed. I also wished I can scream, every time I try it gets cut off.

I know it hurts more to repress but I feel like I don't have any control over my repression and my emotions are in a black box with no debug console.

Around 2025 was when I was just joking around about femboys on reddit, June 2025 was when I gave myself permission to wear slightly cute things and a month later was when I got thigh highs, arm warmers and etc, I just stole the skirt from my mom which she never uses it anyways. Sept 2025 rolled by and like for the whole semester I was just relentlessly showing up to school fem, sometimes with a skirt. Jan 1, 2026 was when the whole femboy thing fell apart. Straight into the closet, better now after repurposing part of Boymode to handle my social anxiety problems and be more assertive towards people.

I don't know why it sometimes feel off when presenting fem, there is usually this heavy sinking feeling, dread and imposter syndrome hanging off my back. Being a femboy means that I can just use the "irony shied" to deflect immediate harassment from people then procced to try to cry myself to sleep which I can't even cry. Being a femboy felt too masc, every time I go out fem, internally I just want to be seen as a girl, no man.

I don't know if it's gender dysphoria, or it's suppressed, but I feel deep fried everyday unless I somehow focus on something, even as simple as a vent post. I even had a panic attack one time when trying to find evidence.

I have a girl name as of the past month, but my brain also keeps throwing a another name in prob because my brain did a bad job logging down an interaction. I think that it's a really cishet thing to do /s.

It used to be just being fem to feel good, now it's just relentless questioning with euphoria from presenting myself gradually feeling more numb, it's there but my logic side just can't sense it properly anymore. The cycle for the past 6 months was feel depressed, dress fem then feel more depressed and annoyed when I stop. The gender dysphoria bible was barely any use but I found this article Anne Vitale worte on The Gender Variant Phenomenon, read it, Group 3 hits like home and now my brain came up with an offset to deny it too, I am seriously out of options and feel like its better to live life under this phantom pressure. It just drives me more to be really uncomfortable than to be happy in terms of progressing daily life. The worse part is I have been getting more aggressive and agitated. I may have a neutral facial expression but inside is just a mess. Everyday just feels like waking up and longing for the next day.

Boymoding in the public and at home is defacto, I understand that it's no Bueno but it's hardwired and not following it results in a deep dreadful feeling which has happened a few times when I tried to present in a masculine femme way to get around my repression.

Should I just disconnect and come back after a week/month and see if these feelings go away? I have read on reddit that some cis people had questioned for a year just to come out as "cis+". I kind of dread this, I low key want someone to explain to me why I'm trans.

I don't think that accepting myself or hrt is gonna make the situation any better, my save file for this life pretty much screwed up beyond rollback, my mental health is trash, I tried every trick and it doesn't work. I'm just on a streak of sleep deprivation as I feel like my life isn't worth living anymore (mentally), especially if being myself means getting hate while boymode is rewarded. I feel like I am piloting my robot and what I see in my head is just a user interface.

After pride month, Candice/Lindsey is out, maybe out this world too if my protections somehow fail (which they won't). Idk what name is better but the second one has been bothering me alot after witnessing their personality.

I have a week to pack up and go back to repressing. I was gonna "try" 2 months of HRT but now I'm just gonna cold turkey myself and return back to the construction site. I give up. I take the L, I accept that I have chronic depression and wasn't born to make it past my 20s.

Background: nothing is wrong, I just a broken thought process

There is really nothing wrong with my material life, I just get seen as a creep when trying to make female friends, I feel like I don't belong in any male friend circles (I tried a male friend group in the last month of grade 8, I felt off), I have tried making female friends in high school and successfully failed, tried asking out a crush just to get reported for stalking. Spare me the bloat why can't I just rawdog my TCP packets instead of going through this lengthy authentication handshake with other people which I don't even know how to do for fducks sake. I can never make it past a boilerplate "how are you" introduction question in a normal convo with anyone, All I am capable of just leaching onto group chats with random jokes. I proceeded to spend the next 4 years of my high school annoying people until my femboy era.

I feel like such an idiot and coward for the situation I’m in. I came out to my close family already like a year ago, but it didn’t go nearly as well as I hoped. One family member who’s MAGA told me he didn’t agree with it, another told me they support me but I should hide that part of me because of the political climate in America (but even in private they don’t acknowledge it), yet another didn’t acknowledge it but they don’t always get my messages so I don’t know if they’re choosing to ignore it or just didn’t see it, and two of them who were accepting seem to have forgotten, and I don’t know if they think that I don’t feel that way anymore or if they just didn’t care, but I don’t know if I have the strength to go through it again. I feel like it’s all my fault, that I didn’t do it right, that I failed being open with them, and now it feels like I have all these feelings all bottled up that I just can’t feel anything anymore. I was going to try and start DIY HRT and then come out again when I started making progress, but the gift cards that I got from Christmas and my birthday don’t convert to crypto so that’s out of the picture. I want to start a job so I can start saving up money for it but then I feel like it wouldn’t matter, that even if I did start HRT and did get a job, I still wouldn’t be good enough to be acceptable. I know I’m probably just being paranoid but it feels so hard to be open with my family, it feels like I shouldn’t do the things I want to do because it feels like my family doesn’t want me to do them, not most of them anyways. It just feels like what I want doesn’t matter, that I don’t deserve to be happy. Sorry about all this, it’s just… it’s been really weighing on me and I really needed to say something. I don’t know if anyone has any advice or encouraging words or anything, but if not that’s ok, you don’t need to (I probably don’t even deserve it anyways). Sorry again for whining, I hope whoever’s reading this has a great day.

- Dess

It just feels too weird being referred to as a sister or a daughter. At this point, I have a hard time believing that my desire to be AFAB is any more than just AGP. I’ve never not been me, and hearing/seeing words being used to describe me that are so unfamiliar just unsettles me. My mannerisms, my presentation, all of it… the only things I really wanted to change were my body & voice. Maybe I’m nonbinary, but for some reason, that just feels… unsatisfying to me. I still firmly believe that the truest version of me would be AFAB, but at this point, I don’t have the faintest idea what the fuck that means.