I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, but I see a girl instead of what I actually look like (a disgusting guy). I like them and I feel happy when I see them, then I remember they’re wrong. I hate remembering I’m a guy, I hate being a guy. But I don’t think I’m trans (I don’t know what I am). I think I just hate myself.
When I had told them about me being trans my mother and sister told me “there where no signs” because I never said I wanted to wear a dress or even played as the mom during house. My sister took it a step further asking me if I feel ashamed for having a penis, that I just absolutely hated it and would just want to get rid of it. I told her no because at the time I didn’t think about wanting bottom surgery as I was new to being trans and had just barely even figured it out and even making up my own name. It also doesn’t help the fact when I said no she straight off said that “Okay so your not trans because if you where then you wouldn’t want your penis.” Which the whole conversation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know what I want, even made me think I might not be trans because I thought she was right. As for my mother she simply didn’t believe it as again, “never showed signs” but she wasn’t hard about it, but the only thing she told me was “to not tell anybody something I’m not.”
But I also realized my sister is most likely transphobic was when I saw her and her wife trying to guess if someone one was a women or a man when the person was a transgender woman, and when the person got close they both shouted in the car, “Oh yeah no that’s definitely a guy, I just thought it was a masc chick!”, further more when she asked me about having her knit a poncho for me and I told her the colors I wanted (Black, yellow, and purple) She said “Wait your not trying to be nonbinary are you, because those are the colors and the colors I saw on your TikTok?!”
She also sat me down for a talk after my dad had left and out right telling I’m a **Man** over and over again as she knew the day before I told her I was Trans, but she kept saying, “I’m now the **Man** of the house.” Over and over again and even told me my dreams to do Art, YouTube, and Theater where nothing but dreams, and that “They aren’t real jobs, they don’t give you as much money as trade jobs.” I just wanted to Vent about that, sorry if it’s a bit TMI.
(Sorry that this is my first post here it’s because I was originally on r/Traaaaaaa2 before and they took it down so they told me I could post it here, I didn’t really know where to put me venting about being trans so I’m glad they directed me here)