r/Nestofeggs

I have been out to my family for about a year, and even longer to my friends and I am so fortunate to say all of them are very much accepting, and supportive of queer people in general (except for my brother who won't accept me, but at least doesn't hold it against me).

However, this raises a bit of a problem.

My only two sources of euphoria are being referred to by my chosen name, which has become the norm, but for that exact reason went from causing intense euphoria for hours, to causing barely noticeable euphoria for a few seconds. (Except when it's from complete strangers in videogame voice chats, in which case the original amount of euphoria comes into play.)

And the other source being times when I act out in a stereotypically feminine way in the games I play (dressing cutesy, picking the female characters, using certain emotes etc.) which causes mild euphoria for anywhere between 2 to 10 minutes per instance (they however do not stack).

Luckily for me, there is a supposed quick fix to this issue, the so called "good girl phenomena".

Over the years I have seen time and time again posts asking people to call whoever made the post a "good [gendered identity noun]" in the comments, and if the countless replies can be believed, this somehow provided the poster with euphoria in much larger amounts and higher intensity than any one of the tools currently at my disposal.

Unfortunately I don't think the method works on me.

Here is what I can say from experience.

Receiving this praise through text does not work on me.

Receiving it from a cis-hetero ally is just okay, but it doesn't make me feel euphoria.

Receiving it from a stranger outside the queer community grosses me out (I imagine this is a feeling similar to what being catcalled is like).

Receiving it from a friend would probably cause intense euphoria.

Receiving it from my boyfriend would probably turn me on and cause the highest euphoria I've ever felt and then some.

But my friends will probably never say it to me in person because they don't know me as someone who would like that, and my boyfriend is long distance so without his physical presence, just receiving a text would prove ineffective.

All that just to ask... can this be fixed? Can I feel euphoria from these magic words?
And if not... is there a similarly effective and available trick or solution? (mtf)

It's may be a small thing, but I'm desperate because I need to balance out my dysphoria that is disproportionate in volume compared to my euphoria.

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another horrible, stressful, and otherwise terrible week has come to a close. As what seems to be far too common there is no good news today. But of course bad news is plentiful both personally and broadly. This rather unhumorous reality seems to find itself comical in its cruelty. 

Nothing new to report with my physical status. My back is still causing me unimaginable agony. While my legs I still has unstable as ever. My joints still pop & ache at the slightest bit of movement. Just the usual unfortunate suffering I’ve come to expect out of my life. There is no comfort to be found in my circumstances. All of the hurt and pain. Chronic pain is the most evil and unnecessary thing in the universe. What do you mean the pain will never go away and will only get worse! What do you mean I will never have a moment when I'm not in unending agony. WHY?! :<

Fear can be found in every person. Fear is a constant found in all sentient life. Our fears tell a lot about us as they are the culmination of our life experiences put into a sensible feeling of dread. My fears say a lot about me. My main 3 fears are that:

In the end, my life was meaningless. Every decision I made never truly amounted to anything. That all the pain and suffering I’ve endured amounts to nothing. Is that every challenge, every heartache, every abuse that I faced leads to nothing. So I will be forgotten the only evidence of my existence being a moss covered gravestone. A stone with the wrong name, but no one to correct it.

I’ll keep failing. I never escape from my parents' grasp. Force to constantly relive my parents “bipolar” cycle. Never able to truly express myself. Being forced to suppress who I am. Never allowing me to transition.

I alone body decaying never do find somebody to love me. Left without help as I lose my ability to walk. 

I've had some of the worst dysphoria in my entire life this week. Literally every single time I see a slight bit of my reflection I get uncomfortable. I want to start hrt so badly but I’m too broke and don’t have any place to go get it. So I’m left just hating myself. Lately I have found myself in a depressive loop for the simple fact of how I was born. Like every in my life it’s a mistake and I wish for a different outcome. Every second I feel like I’m lying to others. Lying to myself by acting male. 

How do people find love? Like seriously. To say I’m social inept is an understatement. Years of restrictive parenting, social isolation, and constant appointments have left me socially stunted. I’m awkward, weird, and strange sometimes. I apologize constantly for fear of offending or hurting someone. I have never been in a relationship and well I’m scared that means I’m truly unlovable. Can I blame them? My own parents never loved me. The only love they did exhibit was extremely conditional. I can understand why nobody wants to love a traumatized crippled scar covered trans girl.

I started college yesterday. Which does mean less time at home. Which is incredibly nice. Sadly no word on the 529 transfer so I’m planning to ask my father about it. :3

I know it’s really really fucked up, but I know how I’m probably gonna die. I don’t know when but I do know how. Some day the pain will become too much for even me to bear so I will make peace with all those I love. I will check my will. Then and only then will I kill myself. I don’t know the method. As my final fuck you to the universe. I will solace in knowing in this fucked up universe that has hurt and taken so much from me I will get the last laugh. 

(No poem sorry) :(

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

TW: Vent art, anxiety, existential dread / thanatophobia.

Hi everyone. This is my first comic/project made in Krita. It’s a bit of personal vent art drawn as a stick-figure comic to process some feelings and personal experiences I’ve been navigating recently.

I’m currently feeling a lot of confusion regarding identity, friendship dynamics, and anxiety. I made this to express those thoughts without claiming absolute answers for myself.

What advice or perspective would you give to someone going through what "Blue" is experiencing in this comic?

Have any of you dealt with similar feelings or existential anxiety under similar circumstances?

Please keep comments respectful and kind. Thank you for reading.

Sorry for bad english.

tbh today was pretty boring but candice keeps bothering me. I cannot load her in but just letting it exist in my head instead of shutting it down worked pretty well.

idk how cis this is

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Four years that’s how long it’s been since I had a single day where I wasn’t in constant pain. Over 1200 days since the last time I didn’t suffer. The part that messes with me the most is THE PAINS ONLY GETTING WORSE. There’s no cure, treatment, or antidote. What’s the point if it's only going to get worse. Why should I bear the agony if it is only going to worsen? Condemning myself to a future filled with worse anguish. As every second of pain now is the same pain i will feel in the future. Why do I keep going? 

This week I have been overcome by my mental stalemate as I can’t bear to lose certain people in my life, but I’m unsure if I am able to help them see through my parents' manipulation. Losing them would likely mentally break me. As these are the people who actually showed me some semblance of love and care in my life. What should I do? I keep having panic attacks about this as I’m unsure what to do.

No updates regarding my 529 for now as my payment is still being processed. Hopefully it should go through soon. :3 

I talked about it last week, but I cried way too much. Like I don’t think somebody should be crying a minimum of three times every day. Crying myself to sleep everyday can’t be good for my health. Depression over everything has really made it hard to stop my incessant crying. I have had multiple episodes of crying as I keep being reminded of my brother raping me. I have to see him every day. Every day I have to see the same people who have hurt me all my life. Those same people that brought me into this living hell.

6 months is the amount of time since the last time I was touched/hugged consensually. In the six months has it happened unconsensually? Yes, my mother has a habit of trying to corner me, forcing me into hugging her to get out. She also will try to grab at me inappropriately. Yes it is as gross as you can imagine. Every time I feel completely violated and disgusted. After years of me telling her NO. She continually ignores my pleas.

It hurts to not be loved even by yourself. Though I may try, it always ends up the same. I look in the mirror and hate who I see. It isn't me more of a distorted reflection of everything I hate about myself. I cant see the girl i want to be but instead the broken man. I wish so much to be a girl. I want to live out my lesbian dreams. I want to be pretty. I want to be someone I can actually love. Some that I can look in the mirror and smile at. 

I try not to think about it too much but this week I will admit I did feel like killing myself. The pain will never go away. All my goals have been rendered unachievable as I slowly lose function. What's the point of it all? To prove that I can or some inspirational bullshit. I’m suffering from a medical condition no one can cure. I have been hit, beaten, sexualy asualted, and raped. I was scared from multiple unconsensual surgeries. Dysphoric because this world is unendingly cruel gave me a gross male body. I'm in hell and death is so tempting. I’ll be forgotten in 5 to 10 years if that anyway. If my purpose was to suffer I've done a great job. I won't live to be old anyway. I’ll die as I live in the same constant agony.  What's the point?  

Years of pain
Years of anguish 
Years of so much languish 
Years I’ve wait
Years I’ve bided 
Years I’ve been left unguided 

I wish for love
I wish for life 
I wish for one day that I may be a wife
I wish to be happy 
I wish to be free
I wish to smile with genuine glee

Suffering from hurt
Suffering from pain 
Suffering that I must contain 
Suffering in life
Suffering in death
Suffering in each and every breath 
 
Hurt by mother 
Hurt by father
Hurt by them so why should I bother
Hurt that lasts
Hurt that stays
Hurt that lasts for days

I miss those who I lost
I miss those who died
I miss those who let me confide 
I miss the nostalgia 
I miss the delusion 
I miss when there was a happy conclusion 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

dissociation is like a drug

it's the only source of willpower

can't live without it

forced to be someone I'm not

built a robust coping mechanism

cannot escape the machine I built

everyday gets worse and worse

maybe one day the fuse will blow

I don't know, can't do this anymore

at least my work is being done

I just feel like a shell of myself

I overcompensate to distract myself

without doing work I feel like dying

This has been killing me for the past few weeks

idk life has this distant special shitty feeling ever since I started looking into my gender more. Everything used to be irony back in my femboy days, now it's just like navigating literal hell.

It low key feels awful when people she/her me when I looked like a chopped "guy" when I am at my trans support group. I pretty much just disassociate max when there as I can't fit in with the ongoing conversation.

Everyday there is this fog feeling in my head, the only way to lift it is to use alot of willpower or sink myself in work or a project.

Most people knew when they were for, I wish it was that easy for me to find out. Why would a totally cis guy be obsess over their gender so much and feel like they are watching their life play out instead of being in control?