u/Dont_know_Anymore_

I just learned you have to do HRT for life. That means until I die I’ll still be a guy if I stop taking hormones. Why the fuck doesn’t the body automatically switch once it hits a threshold? The human body fucking sucks. Why the fucking fuck do I have to take shit for life when it can produce it on its own. I’m so defeated by this. I don’t even want to bother with transition because of it. If I stop years of progress would go away, would starting even be worth it? Why bother if it goes away? Sure I’d be happier if I did it but what if I feel done with it? What if I just stop? I become a man again? I don’t even want to start. I’ll never know what could have been.

I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, but I see a girl instead of what I actually look like (a disgusting guy). I like them and I feel happy when I see them, then I remember they’re wrong. I hate remembering I’m a guy, I hate being a guy. But I don’t think I’m trans (I don’t know what I am). I think I just hate myself.

When will I finally be a girl? Why does it seem like everyone else gets a happy transition while I’m still right where I started. I don’t even have a fucking name yet, if I don’t have one by the time I turn 18 (like 3 months) I’m just gonna be a guy. It’s never gonna be my turn is it?

I give up. I’m never gonna be a girl, nobody likes me, and life is so empty and dull that I don’t even know what to do anymore. I also hate myself so much that I abuse myself physically. Like there’s so much wrong with me but there’s no reason for it. I have a loving family, I go to a good school, live in a good area, and yet I’m a fucking nut job. Life doesn’t have a plan for me. Literally everything would be better if I was a girl. I’d be able to ask a guy out (like a literal 10/10 to me) but since I’m a guy it’s weird and gay. God fuck my fucking life.

I’m somewhat fine with where I am, I’m passable on occasion and doing my eyeliner helps. But I still desperately crave to be a girl. But more often than not I find myself either not caring about what I am or wanting to be a guy. Maybe I’m not even trans or a girl. Maybe I’m just a confused guy. That has to be it right?

I don’t know what happened but recently I’ve been able to look at my face. I look kinda like a girl, I love it. But I don’t think I’m actually a girl. Who knows, but hey I can look in the mirror again.

It’s in sale for 15$ and I recently got into 40K, I would have bought it by now but the negative reviews have stopped me.

EDIT: Seems worth it, thanks yall

Why do I no longer want to be or feel trans? It’s been years since I first started questioning and now im still confused. I remeber sometimes being in my body was painful and I hated everything about it, now I just don’t really care. I remeber shutting down because I wasn’t a girl, I’ve missed things because I was too sad that I wasn’t a girl. I still say “I wish I was a girl” everyday. So why does this happen to me? Why do I day “I wish I was a guy” sometimes? I need this to end, why did this happen to me?

I hate that I can say the most trans shit possible like “I wanna be a girl” “I hate being a guy” “I wish I was a girl”. I say that stuff all the time and yet I still think I’m faking it. I’m probably not trans and I’m just some weird dude.

I don’t know if I want to be a girl anymore, like the whole thought is something I don’t really care about anymore. It used to be a passion and I wanted it more than anything. Now it’s like yeah if I was a girl that’d be cool.

But thing is I’m still really really really jealous of girls. Like I still say “I wish I was a girl”, I still get really jealous of how they look and how pretty they are, and I hate being a guy sometimes (not as much as I used to but still). Idk maybe I’m just crazy

Like there are so many pretty names (Isabella, Bella, Skye, Lilith, and many more I’m just drawing blanks right now) but nothing fits me. Everytime I try one it works once and never again.

Asked before but there’s a steam sale now. I’m deciding between 4: Tropican shores, Return to nature, New frontiers, and Caribbean skies.

I’m going to get all of them eventually but I’m trying to save some money right now. Which one gives the most bang for buck?

I saw a video by YukoEX (great YouTuber totally recommend) that was talking about trans girls in denial and it just called me out. Like everything she said from the crying to sleep to the wanting to be a girl. I feel called out. I think I’ve dug a hole of denial I can’t get out of.

I know I’ve made many posts like this but I was questioning why I even wanted to be a girl and no good reason came up.

I remember the original reason was because I wanted to be a mom, but that eventually went away and I just kept wanting to be a girl. Then I started hating being a guy, avoided my reflection like it was the worst thing in the world. But that too went away. I’ve tried thinking of why I wanted to be a girl but nothing came up, sometimes I wish I was a guy. I still find myself saying “don’t let me wake up if I’m not a girl” on occasion but I’ve been saying it less and less. Sure I still dream about being a girl and get happy when I think of doing feminine things (for example I was imagining myself in a nice blue dress in spring wish this nice light blue nail polish I had). But they’re only dreams.

I think I conditioned myself into wanting to be a girl. I don’t think I actually wanted to be one but I just conditioned myself to be one. I don’t know if I wanna be a girl anymore.

I want to be a girl but I don’t know how or if I can be one. But I don’t think I actually want to be a girl, like sometimes I wish I was just a normal regular dude. I don’t know if I want to be a girl anymore and I don’t know if I can even be a girl.

(This is gonna sound wrong, sorry) I hate seeing happy trans people. It reminds me that it’s possible to have the life I want but I just don’t. It’s always just out of reach. No matter what I do or what I try I’m always gonna fall just short. Who the fuck am I kidding I’m still a guy and that’s all I’ll ever be I hate myself and I’ll never be a girl

It’s like, I’ve tried everything and I’m still at square zero. I’ve tried makeup, painting my nails, cross dressing, multiple names, pronouns, trying to be a girl online, and probably more I’m forgetting. Nothings worked for more than a week. Sure I could be passable if I really tried but still, I’m always going to be a guy to everyone in my life. I just wanna give up, it seems like the best option and my only option

I would make such a good girl if I wasn’t a guy, but I am one. It’s literally one my face and voice that ruin it all. Weight too but I can change that easily enough. I’ve tried voice training but it just doesn’t work on me I guess. Why can’t I just be a girl?

I just keep getting the feeling of “do I actually wanna be a girl?” So often recently and it’s made me wonder. Was it all a phase? Sure the thought of being a guy makes me sad and I get jealous of women every day because I’m not one and never will be one, but that isn’t enough to work with. Like was it all a phase? Am I just a weird guy?

Can’t remember if I already made this post but title says it all. The idea just eats at me, doesn’t help that I get physically jealous of girls because I’ll never be one. How do I accept and deal with the fact I’m not and never will be a girl?