u/ImXeep

I was literally just doing math when I started simplifying fractions and saying "cut this one with this other one" over and over again that I just started repeteadly saying "cut, cut, cut..." and then I had something like a anxiety crisis and almost did it and now I'm feeling miserable because Im so fucking weak I cannot even do the simplest of tasks without thinking about harming myself.

For the longest time I considered myself asexual, i.e. someone who doesnt feel / doesnt like feeling sexual attraction (the latter being my case). But today I was at this party with my friends, one of them being someone who I love talking to in a daily basis and overall spending time with. Normally, I would just get worried when this friend talked/interacted to other people bcs I felt like I was going to be thrown away. But now, my envy not only came from that but also from the physical interactions between that friend and other people, which I must admit it wasnt something crazy (just handholding and that kind of stuff) so I'm confused right now on why I felt like this, because this has never happened to me before, on the contrary, 99% of times I despise physcial contact, why this moment was an exception?

I have this one friend of mine, who I really enjoy talking to bcs she's basically a sum of the fact that she's a girl, that due to some traumas with guys it brings me unimaginable confort and that she has pretty similar tastes as me when it comes to media and so we chat pretty often. The problem starts when I see her talking a little to much with this other girl, like times she would usually spend with her friend she just spends it talking to her. Which I know isnt an issue at all, she can talk with whomever she wants to, but then there's uncontrolable part of my heart that screams to me that she's gonna abandon me, that I am just another guy (which only by itself makes me greatly unconfortable but that's a topic for another post), that she doesnt like me anymore, that she never had and, just like every other person from the last two years, only tolerates me because I do stuff for her. Again, I know its bad and its wrong (not only because these are crazy conclusions with minimal basis but also that Im not that important to be hated this much) but I cannot shake off this possesive and toxic thoughts.

I know it’s wrong, but I have this unshakeable feeling of envy towards a certain person, it’s like she has life much better than me: trustworthy friends who give support and help whenever she ask for it, incredible dedication, unrivaled will and everything you can imagine. While I’m sitting here trying to study endless cruel hours, fighting anxiety crisis, grief, sh thoughts etc. I know that she also have problems that she deals with and I should feel like I’m not special for having problems, I’m just too weak to deal with them. But I still think it’s damn unfair that she gets national recognition while I get to be in mediocrity because one of the three teammates, who is also my friend, just said in the day of organizing the groups that they’d do with someone else and just ditched me and my friend completely, and I know that I could make it into the finals if it wasn’t for this stupid liar. Don't get me wrong, I'm still supporting and I'll always be because I dont like sending hatred to people and because I know it isn't her fault, I'm very happy that I could my friends doing well in life, I just wanted to be like her. I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this because I know envy and jealousy are bad, but then again, I just cannot get off my head how much I wanted to be her. Like Im even jealous of her gender, not being automatically labeled as a sex offender or/and a dumb and unintelligent just because of the thing (I swear its the best word to describe that) between my legs that parasites and make me look (even stetically) as a horrendous human being.

Normally, I had reasons for wanting to cut myself (set free from the Malicious Beings, penalize myself from taking away the heavens from a loved one and other stuff). But I just feel this urge to cut, nothing except this instict-like feeling of "I need to cut mylsef as soon as I can", my skin just starts heating and pulsing like it is an organism of its own, I had full-on panic attack and almost passed out due to the sh thoughts and now controling them is being nearly impossible because there isnt any reason that I can use against pure, unreasoned, sensations. Does anyone know any methods I can use or something? Im desperate.

I think there's no better word to describe eating than repulsive. The process is such a horrible experience and all the strings attached. I do not want to sustain this horrendous body, this failed and putrid mind and yet, I am too weak to effectively put an end in all of this because I am unable to deal with those worried eyes from the others, saying that I should "eat more" and "be more healthy" while these are the same ones who criticize me whilst I eating, making ogre-like munching sounds when I finally throw the towel and surrender to their desires. There is no point in coerce with those hypocrites if all they do is just dellude me into creating these false feeling of being cared. I despise eating, but I will keep myself in this vicious cycle out of pure lack of options or self-love.

I the title pretty much sums it up: I've been talking to someone for over the past two months or so and Im enjoying a lot. The issue is that im enjoying *too much*, I cannot see this person talking to anyone else without feeling like I'm being forgotten, discarded just like I've been by so many people. I eagerly wait for their messages, even if it is for the mundanest of reasons, I always try to answer with utmost sympathy because I dont want to lose them. Its the person that I talk to and always gets answered with I smile I hope to God it's genuine. I dont want to feel this way but Im too emotionally attached to someone who could be giving a normal amount of attention to me because I've never been loved like this before.

I usually dont feel this urge to cut. Normally, it is just a passing thought that would ultimately get consumed by mundane worries. Yesterday late at night, however, my wrists started pulsating, burning and talking to me. They said that it would be just a small cut and that, if I was too afraid someone would eventually find out, I could just cut the palm of my hand and say that it was a "kitchen accident". They said that I am an egostitical madman that thinks people care about me when, in fact, my presence was nothing more than a burden to them. I dont know how I managed to feel this way because, as I said, I normally dont feel that way, so unconsiously and yet so alive. The funniest part, all of this was triggered by the feeling of a cracked glass plate on my wrist, just the touch of that sharp edge that, even tought didnt hurt, made me feel so incredibly alive.

My grandphater died in March 12, at 2:16 PM. And, ever since the second week of July, an image of him in a humid and dark cell, his hands chained to the floor, the divine light just centimeters away from him , and yet, he's just shy of reaching it. And it is my fault that he is this situation. My innability to forget him, trying to scavege fragments of him in his gifts or belongings, grounds him to this putrid world. I tried to forget him and everything that reminds me of him, but I can't. Every single time I see an image of a Saint, a philosophy book or that coin he gave me, I can only remeber that scene, not the fond memories I have with him, not the life-defining decisions I took with him by my side, only the face of a priest who wants to achieve divinity, but can't do so because his mostrouns son, his abomination of a human being, is unnable to let him go, to forget him.

I hate my body, every single inch of it. I hate having to undress myself 3-4 times a day and seeing that horrible image of a neanderthal with so much body hair or of a pig wearing a human skin, a fat, stupid pig. I hate having to 3 times a day rub that naked body, trying to cleanse such filfth whilst coping with the fact that you're gonna do this *for the rest of your life*. People force me and keep reminding me to eat, but I cannot understand how motivating a disgusting piece of meat is going to make it feel better. And the worst part is my submissive to all this expectations, I keep eating even tought I need to do something while doing it so I can forget that Im eating, to put a song in the loudest volume possible so I distract myself from the fact that Im doing one of the grossest things I can do. Just make it stop.

One thing to keep in mind is that I did a few sessions with her in the last year but stopped and only returned now. It started with me telling about my new friends (who are actually friends and not sexual abusers disguised as friends), my new hobbies etc. Things went a little south when I talked to her about me not liking intimacy and relationships in general (I was basically confessing that I was asexual) and she said "you dont like it *today*" and said that I was in the phase of trying and it made me fell overall pretty bad because like I dont need to test something to know its bad yk. Not only that, but she said that todays relationships are not intimate-oriented, I might be too brainrotted but like most of the examples that I have of relationships today moslty involve kissing all the time and forgetting they are at a public space. So, in the end, it was unconfortable but thats expect so Ill let it slide (overall pertty good :3)

(Im gonna use they/them pronous just for the sake of not revealing gender)

First things first, its important to know that Im a sex/intimacy/kissing/all that stuff-repulsed asexual, I dont feeling sexual attraction and more intimate things like kissing and whatnot. With that out of the way, there's this person whom I've been talking with in a roughly daily basis, we mostly talk about anime and general topics. So, I started liking them but (of course) not sexually or anything like this, I just feel good talking with that person. Moreover, it makes me happy knowing that I have someone who I vent to and still keep it a secret while giving me confort because, while not liking kissing, I find cuddling/hugging an alternative way to show love. And now I find myself on a situation where I can saying to them that I like them and risk getting reject (which is not going to change anything really, Im just gonna keep talking like usual, only with a kind of "security" that they are not going to leave ms) or say anything and risk being forgotten.

Basically I accidentaly talked to him about a recent episode where I had a panic attack, he called me mad for talking to anybody about it and he said I should go to therapy. He did the heavy lifting cuz he arranged the time of the sessions and Im probably starting them at the next monday. I really dont know how to feel, I mostly gave in to the pressure he was putting on me and I was already thinking about therapy for a week or so by now, Im afraid that the sessions end up being to uncorfortable for my weak ass and I end up dropping out because like it was already bad enough talking to my brother abt the not-cool stuff I feel, let alone someone thats not even my family/friends. I guess Ill just have to hope for the best.