u/ImXeep

Normally, I had reasons for wanting to cut myself (set free from the Malicious Beings, penalize myself from taking away the heavens from a loved one and other stuff). But I just feel this urge to cut, nothing except this instict-like feeling of "I need to cut mylsef as soon as I can", my skin just starts heating and pulsing like it is an organism of its own, I had full-on panic attack and almost passed out due to the sh thoughts and now controling them is being nearly impossible because there isnt any reason that I can use against pure, unreasoned, sensations. Does anyone know any methods I can use or something? Im desperate.

I think there's no better word to describe eating than repulsive. The process is such a horrible experience and all the strings attached. I do not want to sustain this horrendous body, this failed and putrid mind and yet, I am too weak to effectively put an end in all of this because I am unable to deal with those worried eyes from the others, saying that I should "eat more" and "be more healthy" while these are the same ones who criticize me whilst I eating, making ogre-like munching sounds when I finally throw the towel and surrender to their desires. There is no point in coerce with those hypocrites if all they do is just dellude me into creating these false feeling of being cared. I despise eating, but I will keep myself in this vicious cycle out of pure lack of options or self-love.

I the title pretty much sums it up: I've been talking to someone for over the past two months or so and Im enjoying a lot. The issue is that im enjoying *too much*, I cannot see this person talking to anyone else without feeling like I'm being forgotten, discarded just like I've been by so many people. I eagerly wait for their messages, even if it is for the mundanest of reasons, I always try to answer with utmost sympathy because I dont want to lose them. Its the person that I talk to and always gets answered with I smile I hope to God it's genuine. I dont want to feel this way but Im too emotionally attached to someone who could be giving a normal amount of attention to me because I've never been loved like this before.

I usually dont feel this urge to cut. Normally, it is just a passing thought that would ultimately get consumed by mundane worries. Yesterday late at night, however, my wrists started pulsating, burning and talking to me. They said that it would be just a small cut and that, if I was too afraid someone would eventually find out, I could just cut the palm of my hand and say that it was a "kitchen accident". They said that I am an egostitical madman that thinks people care about me when, in fact, my presence was nothing more than a burden to them. I dont know how I managed to feel this way because, as I said, I normally dont feel that way, so unconsiously and yet so alive. The funniest part, all of this was triggered by the feeling of a cracked glass plate on my wrist, just the touch of that sharp edge that, even tought didnt hurt, made me feel so incredibly alive.

My grandphater died in March 12, at 2:16 PM. And, ever since the second week of July, an image of him in a humid and dark cell, his hands chained to the floor, the divine light just centimeters away from him , and yet, he's just shy of reaching it. And it is my fault that he is this situation. My innability to forget him, trying to scavege fragments of him in his gifts or belongings, grounds him to this putrid world. I tried to forget him and everything that reminds me of him, but I can't. Every single time I see an image of a Saint, a philosophy book or that coin he gave me, I can only remeber that scene, not the fond memories I have with him, not the life-defining decisions I took with him by my side, only the face of a priest who wants to achieve divinity, but can't do so because his mostrouns son, his abomination of a human being, is unnable to let him go, to forget him.

I hate my body, every single inch of it. I hate having to undress myself 3-4 times a day and seeing that horrible image of a neanderthal with so much body hair or of a pig wearing a human skin, a fat, stupid pig. I hate having to 3 times a day rub that naked body, trying to cleanse such filfth whilst coping with the fact that you're gonna do this *for the rest of your life*. People force me and keep reminding me to eat, but I cannot understand how motivating a disgusting piece of meat is going to make it feel better. And the worst part is my submissive to all this expectations, I keep eating even tought I need to do something while doing it so I can forget that Im eating, to put a song in the loudest volume possible so I distract myself from the fact that Im doing one of the grossest things I can do. Just make it stop.

One thing to keep in mind is that I did a few sessions with her in the last year but stopped and only returned now. It started with me telling about my new friends (who are actually friends and not sexual abusers disguised as friends), my new hobbies etc. Things went a little south when I talked to her about me not liking intimacy and relationships in general (I was basically confessing that I was asexual) and she said "you dont like it *today*" and said that I was in the phase of trying and it made me fell overall pretty bad because like I dont need to test something to know its bad yk. Not only that, but she said that todays relationships are not intimate-oriented, I might be too brainrotted but like most of the examples that I have of relationships today moslty involve kissing all the time and forgetting they are at a public space. So, in the end, it was unconfortable but thats expect so Ill let it slide (overall pertty good :3)

(Im gonna use they/them pronous just for the sake of not revealing gender)

First things first, its important to know that Im a sex/intimacy/kissing/all that stuff-repulsed asexual, I dont feeling sexual attraction and more intimate things like kissing and whatnot. With that out of the way, there's this person whom I've been talking with in a roughly daily basis, we mostly talk about anime and general topics. So, I started liking them but (of course) not sexually or anything like this, I just feel good talking with that person. Moreover, it makes me happy knowing that I have someone who I vent to and still keep it a secret while giving me confort because, while not liking kissing, I find cuddling/hugging an alternative way to show love. And now I find myself on a situation where I can saying to them that I like them and risk getting reject (which is not going to change anything really, Im just gonna keep talking like usual, only with a kind of "security" that they are not going to leave ms) or say anything and risk being forgotten.

Basically I accidentaly talked to him about a recent episode where I had a panic attack, he called me mad for talking to anybody about it and he said I should go to therapy. He did the heavy lifting cuz he arranged the time of the sessions and Im probably starting them at the next monday. I really dont know how to feel, I mostly gave in to the pressure he was putting on me and I was already thinking about therapy for a week or so by now, Im afraid that the sessions end up being to uncorfortable for my weak ass and I end up dropping out because like it was already bad enough talking to my brother abt the not-cool stuff I feel, let alone someone thats not even my family/friends. I guess Ill just have to hope for the best.

It all started a few hours ago when my brother asked me to take out the trash later in the day. "Later in the day" came by a few minutes ago and I suddenly remeberd "I gotta take out the trash". I rushed through the house, breathing the loudest I ever breathed, running like my life depended on it while saying quietly but repeatdely to myself "oh my fucking god". After I took out the damm trash, I lost all my balance and had to grab the door so I wouldnt fall, then I got back to my room and just collapsed on my bed breathing in that same loud, anxious and constant manner. Then I started coughing compulsively and I rushed to the bathroom because I felt like I would vomit, luckily, just a few drops of condesed saliva came out off my mouth and I again almost collapsed on the bathroom and nearly hitted my head in the sink. I kept breathing like that and I walked back defeated to my room where I collapsed again, I coughed a few more times and almost cried (which would make the episode worth it, because I feel miserable for not crying for over a year now), but only a low-pitched growl went through. Finally, I find myself feeling utmost ashamed of how weak I am and how fragile I am. This weakness is the sole cause of my problems, everything I try to do I fail because Im too weak to do so, I cannot control my body, control my problems, be productive in days I just want to dissapear which lead me to my academic failure. I know its all fault of the Malicious Beings, I need to cut them away from me so I can free myself from this pulsating, alive parasital energy that courses through me.

Its like everything Ive been doing over the past week wasnt because I wanted to improve as a person but rather that I felt like I had to fill my mind with something just for the sake of it. The music I loved to listen feels bland, even when I play the ones whom impacted me the most (and now I just play them to I can have something to listen to), the games I loved to play just feel like a time sink with no real reason other then the "need to do something" and life overall just felt really unispiring. And now everything I do is to "fill a gap" in my day, but not something I willingly do. Its not like I wanna kms or anything, is just that I dont feel anything anymore, all I do just became fillings for some unknown purpose and to please others. Not even reading gets me same way. And due to the fact that Ive stopped caring about stuff, all my bad thoughts and not-so-cool stuff startes playing a big role in my mind lately. I think it's because since school stopped, my life just lost meaning, because I want to do is try my best at studying so I can please her needs. I dont know how to really express it, it's like taking anti-depressants: everything just feels bland and unseasoned (I never took anti-depressants is just thats how I see some users discribing how it feels.)

Edit: It's all fault of the Malicious Beings, they are the causes of my misery but no one seems to notice. It's like Im the only sane person who can see the truth clearly

Im not going to care anymore about what people say about "sh is bad" or "that isnt the way". Theyre getting stronger in my head, making me do things I would never do, giving me more disconfort to the point that I cannot even wake up normally without them ruining me. I try to tell people here that the only way to free them, and thus stop my misery, is by getting to the root of this problem and dilacerating my wrists wide open so they can finally flee from this meat and bones prison and let me have a normal life and I always get the same responses: dont do this, its gonna spiral out of your control, it isnt the way etc. But Im fed up with and I stay true to my convictions, those people, while with certaintly good intentions I cannot lie, dont understand the things that run thourgh my mind, the images that doesnt get off my head, the things I say that I know is not me whos saying. They dont know it, but I do, and so Im the one who can and will decide on what I think its best for me. Thank you all for the support but I cannot keep this up.