u/ImXeep

I swear that I always try to do the best work I can on everything I do. But this just isnt paying off, is like Im doing this whole bunch of work for nothing because I know someone could take my spot on anything and be better than me on that. And the worst part is that Im not getting even an average grade, is always that 2 or 3 points that I lost that drops me down by a lot, even though I study a lot, I push myself to my mental and physical limit but it doesnt pay off because, in the end, Im always going to be seen as an avarage or below average student. But that also isnt fair because I help a lot of people out with their studies and they end up getting grades even higher than mine own, which I would love to see if not for the fact that Im always gonna be reduced to a number in a spreadsheet, a candidate among thousands. And, unfortunately, the things that Im actually interested on (manly sociology, history, filosophy and geopolitics) either dont pay well or are very risky to get a job on. So this all lend me to the conclusion that Im not deserved of living because I didnt met expectations because, even though I do things that I like, its going to lead me to nowhere. Its very agonising knowing that my existence failed from the start.

I hate eating, I hate it with all my will, seeing all that food disgusts me because I don't like knowing that eating keeps this horrid and flawed body alive. And yet, I still force myself to eat because god forbid someone like my mom or my brother knowing anything more than my past (they aren't bad people, but if they cannot even respect simple things such as my total touch aversion who knows how they’re gonna react to asexuality, for example.) And I still have to get a composed and calm expression because I’m afraid that my friends will use my problems to blackmail me or abandon me altogether. I also used to study a lot and like doing it, but now it doesn’t bring me any joy at all, just looking at the material already drains the little energy I gathered to start studying. And I have to juggle all this while being utterly disgusted with myself (seeing that tall, hairy, male body with not even a cloth to cover my shame makes me feel so gross) which gives me a lot of sa thoughts. I just wanna end all this.

This past week I've been feeling horroble. I never ate out of need bcs I don't see a reason to sustain my body anymore, I forgot the last time I took a shower bcs I just can't bring myself to see me naked and I've done jackshit for school (not a single homework, not a single project, nothing.) I spent all my week just rotting in my couch and helping around the house bcs my mom would get very pissed off if I just spent the whole time in the sofa. I just want it to stop, this feeling of constant regret and fear, of what I should've done and what I should do. I don't enjoy living anymore, the only thing that brings me pleasure are books and not even that I'm doing bcs I just cannot get myself to do anything. The sa thoughts are growing stronger and the only thing that's keeping me from doing it is social pressure and fear. Let me kill myself, I don't want this anymore.

I want to cut myself open, rip myself apart, shred my skin whole. I want to see the blood dripping down from my arm onto the floor as a horrible sign that I'm still alive. I want to cry as loud and as exagerated as I can. I want to cut deep in my wrist, and then send the picture of the cut to my best friend, crying for forgiveness, knowing that she'll acknowledge that I'm a lost cause and give up on me. I want to isolate myself whole from the world, cut the mundane ropes that tie me into a miserable life, full of doubts and regrets. I want to be free from this amalgamation of flesh and blood, from this body that I feel trapped since years by now. I want to kill myself.

I want to cut myself, rip myself apart, tear myself to shreds. My existence is utterly useless, there's no meaning in living a live as someone like me, Im set to failure from the very start of my life. Ive never been in a worse state than now, my grades and my mental health are on an all-time low, I dont have energy to do anything, Ive stopped caring about eating, showering, drinking water etc. Now all I do is actively try to not commit sh and to keep it to myself, because I dont want people knowing it. But I just cannot take this anymore, all I want is to leave all my worries behind and end it all.

Im never gonna understand why Im so bad at school tests. I do literally everything: I make summaries and mind maps of every single subject, Im in a study group in my grade and I even give classes to the people of that group. And yet I manage to get a worse grade then the guy whom I gave the freacking class. Its just isnt fair that I spent the whole time I have studying or trying to only to barely a B-, and even that isnt enough. I honestly dont know what to do because, if I give my all I barely pass, why do I keep trying? And I only a quarter of the grades in my grade (I didnt even got my biology or chemistry grade yet) and Im already that behind. Now I really domt care anymore if people are gonna see scars or not, I just want to release that frustation in any way I can