u/averageceilingfan4

((I'm adding this after writing the whole thing. I'm pretty sure I didn't write anything triggering and didn't even mention anything too dark directly but please continue with caution if heavy topics trigger you. There's mention of fatshaming near the end so be warned. I tried to keep it as short as possible so I hope this isn't too long of a post.))

Today was awful. Theoretically nothing bad happened, and I did have fun for a solid hour, but the cumulative bad things just made it so so bad. I just need to vent about it and I don't have anyone to talk to IRL and I'm too afraid to open up to my loved ones anyway.

My life has been very messy and stressful and confusing the past few months. My sleep schedule is absolutely ruined right now and I've been living under constant pressure to wake up on time despite the fact it's summer and it doesn't matter if I wake up at 7 AM or 3 PM. Might be experiencing a mild depressive episode again but I'm not sure.

Also I have to mention I'm autistic, I have ADHD and episodic migraines. I've struggled with severe depressive episodes in the past and I have some pretty awful childhood trauma so I'm not exactly "stable" mentally or emotionally. Sometimes even the smallest things can cause me to snap, get angry or sob uncontrollably. I also suffer from auditory processing disorder and really struggle to make out words without subtitles, especially IRL. This is pretty important context for the whole thing.

I woke up at 12 PM today to make a salad with my family, ended up a bit sick from the food I ate from breakfast and had to take a moment to rest. Once I felt better I tried to have fun putting the salad together with my sibling but our mom kept interrupting our conversation from the other room because she didn't like my sibling's swearing, even though she did the same herself. That made my sibling irritated which in turn made them (reasonably) rude which in turn made me pissed and overwhelmed. Great, everyone's mood is ruined now and dad's probably smoking 20 cigarettes or something.

I had group therapy in the evening and decided to start getting ready 3 hours prior to it since it takes an hour to get there and I promised to prepare some group activity so I wanted to get everything ready without being late. Of course dear mom decided to start yelling at everyone for no reason which caused me to be stressed the whole time and I almost ended up late. I took my ADHD meds sometime at 1 PM (genius move on my side/s) and completely forgot I already had coffee that day. Usually I can take my meds and have coffee and it won't give me a migraine or have any negative effects but I didn't take into account the stress.

Therapy was amazing. Even though I ended up sweating a lot which made me even more stressed which somehow made the caffeine actually work on me this time(???) which made me overshare which in turn made me more stressed. At some point my heart rate went from 80 BPM to 160 BPM but I couldn't ask to lay down on the couch because one of the girls in our group had surgery not too long ago and I wanted her to be comfortable. I was already used to dealing with feeling dizzy and nearly passing out so no big deal. Mom said it's normal when I brought it up a year ago and she blamed me for it so best I can do is shut up and learn to live with it. Although that definitely added onto the stress.

Apparently that was the day that we all simultaneously decided to share some darker stuff with each other and I was so afraid of doing or saying something wrong. Some topics were pretty delicate and one of the girls in our group has a hard time opening up so it was double the pressure. At some point excitement turned to anxiety and I just wanted to hide like a scared animal. But gotta keep the mask on or I'll ruin everyone's fun. I didn't like seeing them worried when I told them I was listening but I'd have to check my watch sometimes to check my heart rate and I could only imagine how worried they'd be if I brought up something more serious.

We started making those darn pins and I had to do most of the work because I was the only one who knew how to make them so everyone was asking questions at the same time. Within like 5 minutes it felt like everything was so loud and so bright and I couldn't think and merely existing felt wrong. I wanted to have fun but I was so overstimulated by everything and all I could think of was how I was being dramatic and ruining everyone's fun. I didn't really say anything about it other than "give me a moment" or "wait" as I was getting to a point where it was really difficult for me to talk.

All that standing up and down made my heart rate go back up after I finally managed to get it down but I didn't say anything about it. Everything was a bit blurry and I was so confused and scared of messing up. I'm surprised I held myself together for so long. Eventually the pin machine (I don't have a better word for it atm) broke and we had to fix it.

By that point I was done with everything. My joints were hurting, I was sweating a lot and I felt disgusting. I honestly don't think I was breathing deep enough which made me even dizzier so I had to sit and wait after asking someone to take a look at the thing. We got it fixed but we were running out of time and I had to bring some of the paper and stuff home and I'm gonna have to finish making the pins.

We ended up going way past the time that therapy was scheduled to end and my dad was getting frustrated. I took a solid 20 minutes to calm down while everyone was leaving and one of the therapists made sure I was alright and walked me to the exit door as I was worried I'd fall off the stairs or get hurt in the elevator (it's one of these really old ones that have a door and you can call down the bottomless pit. You can also get really hurt if you fall over and can't get back up in time before it goes back up/down so I just wanted to be extra safe with it).

On the way to the car my dad told me I lost one of my bag charms and when I asked where it was he said something I couldn't understand while he was walking away. I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of, if not already experiencing a panic attack at this point, so I didn't understand shit and when he didn't repeat what he said (and continued walking) I asked him to clarify. I made the mistake of not having the energy to mask and straight up asking if the thing was in the car or if it was lost in someone's ass with no way to get it back or something and he acted like an infant, yelled at me from afar and kept walking. I just wanted to know if I should go back and look for it and get even more stressed or if he already found it. I already had tears in my eyes and my voice cracked a bit so I'm not sure how dense he had to be not to understand that I was clearly not in the right state of mind. I struggle to keep up with him as we walked to the car because of how much my joints hurt, how blurry my vision was and how I was struggling to breathe and stop the tears from dripping.

He scolded me in the car and said that he apparently told me the keychain thing was in the car and he picked it up earlier (wow thanks for saying it clearly instead of mumbling it under your breath while you were 3 meters away while I was panicking trying to find it/s) and I just apologized, said "I was stressed" and then I shut up to try and deescalate. I didn't want him to get aggressive like he does at home, especially not when we're an hour away from home by car in a city I don't know.

When we finally got home my sibling decided they were angry I didn't buy them anything while I was out (oh how considerate of them) and I just went to my room to try and calm down soon after. I decided to make sure I didn't lose anything and of fucking course I didn't have everything. I didn't bother to check if I had all of my pins attacked (and I'd rather not stress myself out further if I lost some) but I did find that I was missing a few of the printed out pictures I was supposed to make pins from for the people in the group. I checked everything and couldn't find them anywhere. It would be fine because I can always ask someone to print them out if not for the fact that one of them had a sticker on it that I don't have a duplicate of and I feel awful. I was also missing one of the designs for my own pins so that's just great. Hopefully the people in the group forgot to give them to me or something because I think I'd genuinely curl up and cry uncontrollably right in front of them if it turned out to be my fault.

I spent so long trying to do everything right and keeping myself in check and even the possibility of making a small mistake like that is enough to get me to break down and cry. I'm surprised I managed to hold back the tears until I got back to my room. It's been 2 and a half hours since I got back home and I'm just so confused and scared and worried and I feel so guilty and I just wish I could disappear. I feel like a horrible person. The few people that I'm in group therapy with literally clapped and congratulated me for doing so much for them somewhere in the middle of the pin making (now that I think about it they probably did it because it was painfully obvious how stressed out I was and they wanted to cheer me up) and it felt really nice and I almost cried but now I feel like a fraud and a liar and a horrible person. I know it's just pins but I feel so so bad. And I talked so much today and kept going off topic by accident. I can't stop crying right now. I feel like I did so many things wrong and I was being so dramatic and emotional. It feels like everything that went wrong was my fault even though there weren't that many bad things that happened. I'm just so tired.

In the end I didn't even eat anything other than a quarter of a plate of salad that I had for breakfast because I felt too sick to touch any food. I'd go get something right now but I'm just so tired and it's 1 AM and I'm scared because I'll definitely wake someone up and get yelled at and someone would tell me that eating at night is gonna make me fatter or some other comment about my weight like they always do. Waiting until morning is the less bad option. (Just thought I'd clarify that I'm not purposely skipping meals. Not sure why I felt the need to write this here but for some reason leaving this out made me have this weird feeling in my gut as if the world was ending so I'm leaving it for my own peace of mind.)

I'm so so sorry this is probably very messy and English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if I got some words wrong and I hope it's readable. I'm in a very emotional state rn and I wrote this based purely on emotion and whatever I was thinking at the moment so this is very rough. I tried to keep it somewhat consistent and put it into section and stuff instead of leaving it as a huge wall of text.

I just really need some sort of support. I've been going through a rough few months or years. I'm not really sure anymore, time flies by really fast and it all feels like a huge blob. Days bleed into each other and everything feels miserable. I'd say I need advice but I'd by lying if I said I have the energy and willpower to actually follow it.

(I'm currently in therapy and not a danger to myself. While my life isn't exactly the best I'm usually a lot more stable. I'm not too sure why I broke down like that today.)

Day 7-8 post op (middle of the night so idk which one to count it as) and omfg I'm starting to feel the pain again. I've been taking a lot of pain meds the first 5 days and started taking less by day 6. Mom told me to limit the amount of meds I take. I only took one pill today but now it's night and my mouth feels dull. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be pain but atp it just feels dull and achy. I've been eating normal food for like 3-4 days now (though I can only fit two fingers in between my teeth when I open my mouth as opposed to the 4 I could in the past, not sure why that is) but the pain is still annoying to deal with.

uhh tw for disgusting topics and gross stuff in case someone needs it

So like I have this half eaten bar of chocolate, yk one of those fancy ones with the fillings and sadly there's a ton of flies in my room. I've been slowly getting the dishes out (still got a few moldy plates left but I'm trying to do something about it) and the food attracted flies. They bred a LOT. I decided I don't want flies in my chocolate because that's annoying and lowkey disgusting so I wrapped it and put it down for like 2-3 hours. I didn't wrap it securely enough and they got in. When I opened it there were soo many flies. I think one of the pieces of chocolate has some white on it but the chocolate itself has white filling as well so idk if it's a larva. I'm sort of disgusting and would totally eat it if I didn't see two flies trying to reproduce on the wrapper after I opened the chocolate. I didn't eat any after seeing that but I'd probably be eating it rn if I didn't have a few semi fresh wounds in my mouth along with stitches from getting 4 of my wisdom teeth out and getting my tongue tie corrected a week ago.

So like is it dangerous?

I had 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed (got stitches in all 4 corners of my mouth), 8 teeth fixed and the doctors decided to do something with my tongue for some fuckass reason (I didn't ask for this shit but oh well) so I can't even mash up food inside my mouth with my tongue because of the stitches on the bottom of it. Life has been painful af the past few days.

I finally managed to eat something solid (well, eat is a strong word, more like chopping up 6 tiny potatoes and sliding them down my tongue into my throat but oh well) so that's a huge achievement for me. The swelling has been going down a little bit. My lips are no longer swollen but I still look like a chipmunk. I've been drinking cold tea and water, as well as keeping ice on my cheeks pretty much 24/7. I've been taking my pain meds the second those damn 6 hours have passed since my last dose and I've also been taking my antibiotics and probiotics. Issue is every single time I eat something (more like drink, as my main source of calories has been yoghurt and melted ice cream) my mouth hurts a LOT. It's even worse after I had these damn potatoes even though I didn't even attempt to chew them.

Any advice on how to deal with the pain? Any food ideas?

I'm sorry in advance for any possible swearing, I'm currently in so much pain I want to cry and I tried my best to edit the swearing out but idk if I caught it all. Also English isn't my first language so sorry for that.

I just had 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed (1 of them was still so deep inside that the guy wasn't sure if we should wait a year before taking it out but did it anyway), 8 teeth fixed (various problems), and for some damn reason they decided that they were gonna cut through the thing on the bottom of my tongue because apparently it was like too short or like limited my tongue's mobility or something. Not like I asked for that last thing but okay, free healthcare is free healthcare and I ain't gonna complain because what's done is done. Not like I can speak well enough to complain anyway. That was all done under anesthesia because I'm extremely afraid of dentists and because I legally have a moderate level of disability I can get it done for free under anesthesia.

The entire half of my lower face is swollen. I can barely speak. I'm pretty sure the doctors bruised the inside of my mouth quite a lot. My tongue is swollen. My lips aren't swollen anymore but omfg the amount of this weird hard skin in the corners of my mouth makes it near impossible to open without pain. It hurts everytime I swallow my own spit, let alone water. Haven't eaten anything but a few teaspoons of ice cream, a small yoghurt and tiny ice cream sandwich in the past 2 days because I can't open my mouth enough to fit the spoon through lips and it still hurts to swallow. I can't close my mouth completely but I also can't open it so I'm stuck in this cycle of pure pain. I've taken as many painkillers as I safely could and it's not doing anything. I've also been putting frozen hot water bottles (yk the plastic bag thingys) with some cloth around them so I don't get frostbite over both of my cheeks but it's not helping. Is there anything more I can do to ease the pain? It feels like all I can do is sleep, cry, take meds and occasionally drink water. My history of pretty severe depressive episodes is definitely not helping and I just feel so helpless. I'm also autistic. I got the procedure done yesterday and it took them like 4 and a half hours (it was scheduled for around 3).

I'm sorry if this is all over the place or doesn't fit here but I couldn't find anything on Google and I didn't know where else to ask. I'm honestly starting to regret wanting to get my teeth fixed after years of neglect caused by mental health issues. I'm not going to provide pictures for my own safety (don't feel comfortable sharing my face online) and I feel like it would be physically impossible for me to get pictures of anything that's inside my mouth anyway.

I don't smoke or drink or anything like that. I don't currently take any medication outside of painkillers and antibiotics and probiotics.

18 yo trans man with AuDHD here! I decided to share some tips I have on surviving. Just the basics. I figured most of these out while I was undiagnosed, struggling with severe depressive episodes and had to survive somehow lol. I'd share this in a different subreddit with more people but cis men scare me and I've already been judged before for struggling with that stuff. This place just seems safer.

1. Showering.

Okay, so that one is TOUGH. I have a few default solutions. It's okay not to shower every day, I do NOT have the energy or motivation to shower unless I'm going out/about to have guests home.

a) Bribe yourself with something you really want. That only works if I know I have to shower, I want to shower but just lack the motivation part. Doesn't work if I'm feeling stubborn.

b) "Okay, I'm just gonna walk into the bathroom. Actually what if I lock the door? Hm, actually I should JUST turn the water on. Yeah. Actually ykw I'm just gonna get in the shower and nothing else, this time I promise." Idk how to word it better but simply start off with a smaller task that seems way more achievable and slowly work your way up. It doesn't always work but sometimes I need that little push.

c) Sit down in the shower, grab the showerhead or turn on the water right away and just let yourself soak in there. Can also just pour soap down your body if you don't feel like doing much more but honestly even just letting water run over you is a win. I usually end up showering sitting down automatically because I'm bored of staring at the wall and showering seems more entertaining.

d) Get someone to cheer you on. Genuinely the best solution, it worked the best for me. Sadly I no longer have someone who does that for me but it helped soo much.

e) Technically not a showering tip but if you have a bathtub and your hyper fixation/special interest has water safe merch you could buy it and play with it in the bathtub like it's rubber ducks. Or just decorate your space so you actually want to be there.

f) Turn on some music. Just make sure it's loud enough so you can hear it. Don't be afraid to sing along. It's all about making showering fun.

2. Cleaning your room/house.

I suck at actually noticing when it's dirty around me but I find that once I do notice it I can actually get it somewhat clean with the right strategy.

a) Tell your family members/housemates to stop freaking commenting on the mess. Or at least avoid them and clean when they're not around if they don't understand. I know this is VERY basic but sometimes all I need is a change in how I view cleaning. Right now I see it as this scary thing that I can't do around other people because they'll make fun of me for the fact I let it get so bad. If they don't understand you should consider moving out ASAP because you simply can't do this to your nervous system. (Again this is very basic but some people don't realize it.)

b) You like a character? Would you like to BE that character? Grab an accessory you strongly tie to that character and roleplay them while you clean. I made an OC specifically so I can roleplay as them while I wash the dishes and I always wear green elf ears while doing it. That way I'm forcing my brain to make a connection between the elf ears and doing my chores.

c) Start small. Set a 5-15 minute timer and focus on one area. It can even be a single table or cabinet. Once the time is up remember to reward yourself for the hard work so your brain associates cleaning with positive emotions. You don't have to clean everything immediately. Start small. Even throwing out a single candy wrapper is huge progress.

3. Getting up in the morning.

a) I'm going to use Genshin as an example. So I have a favorite character, let's say it's Wanderer. I grab the morning voice line and set it as my alarm. I do it with multiple characters for multiple alarms. I'd probably get bullied for this but eh, who cares. As long as I can wake up somewhat on time idc what others think lol.

b) Use your favorite song as your alarm sound. This one's simple but works surprisingly well.

c) Own a cat and teach them how to open doors. I'm speaking from experience, nothing wakes me up quite as quickly as my cat opening the bathroom door and trying to eat my shampoo. Bonus points if they scratch the wall so their nails make that awful sound. Not the best thing to wake up to but it's pretty effective.

d) Phone in the other room with the alarm set on Mac volume. Even better if you get that app that makes you solve a simple math equation before you can turn it off. Even better if it's the most embarrassing alarm on earth.

4. Brushing your teeth, washing your face etc.

So like I only have one solution for this one. Do everything in the shower. Also if you have oily skin, acne and yet it's very flaky on your nose and eyebrows for some reason that's most likely yeast. Use anti dandruff head and shoulders shampoo to wash your face, you'll thank me later. Literally saved me. It's also much more convenient than trying to squeeze something out of a tube or try to use foam without it dissolving with wet hands. The best routine that works for me is teeth -> body -> hair -> face. Also an electric toothbrush that automatically stops after 2 minutes and has tiny breaks at 30 second intervals to tell you when to brush a different section will do wonders for you. I managed to start brushing my teeth and then showering and what I do is grab an earbud and turn on a 3-4 minute song to listen to while I brush my teeth. Make sure it's loud so you can hear it, tho. Makes the whole experience much more fun tbh

Also please go up to the mirror right now. Look at your teeth. If there's a black triangle between your top front teeth right where the gum starts you could have gum recession. Touch the back of your bottom teeth with your tounge. If it feels like they're getting thinner and the gaps between them are getting bigger that's also not a good sign. Also your teeth shouldn't be touching. If your top teeth are covering your bottom teeth that's an overbite. Please go to the dentist and bring up these things. I had to look for those signs myself because no one ever pointed them out to me and I have a terrible overbite that everyone missed because I also have awful gum recession, the overbite being one of the reasons. I'm not trying to scare you but your teeth falling out is very much a possibility and it's best to catch it early before you need surgery to fix those gums. Gums do not grow back. Please try to care for them. Brushing your teeth for even 15 seconds is better than not at all and clenching your jaw a lot can also cause gum recession. In some countries if you get at least a moderate level of disability you can get your teeth done while you're put under for free. You only get one set of teeth and it's much less of a hassle to care for real teeth than fake ones.

5. Studying/working.

a) Romanticize tf out of it. Get some aesthetic snacks and drinks, music and ambient sound in your headphones and make it an enjoyable experience.

b) Set a small goal for yourself. Work for 5 minutes. Reward yourself after you do it. Try to make the goal bigger each time but you don't have to.

c) Get someone in the room with you. This helps me soo much. Honestly even being on call with someone who's also working helps me so much.

6. Taking your meds.

Other than the "romanticize tf out of it" advice you could have a bunch of snacks along with water and your meds in a spot you look at frequently. Put glow in the dark stickers there. Lights can also work. Anything to get your eyes drawn to it. Of course someone helping you out would be ideal but some of us live alone or leave home way too early in the morning when everyone else is asleep.

Also off topic but if you get a cat, especially a kitten, PLEASE get it used to lying on your abdomen. That way you'll suffer a little less when on your period. I got a kitten a few months ago and omg it's so nice to have a tiny cute little warm ball of fur with me. It's especially helpful when I can't find a hot water bottle.

I wrote this while procrastinating sleep. I'm supposed to wake up in 4 hours. Sorry for any typos, I have a migraine rn and everything is moving around a bit lol. Sorry if it's all basic stuff but I think it's important to share that since there's still a lot of people who are just starting to figure it all out. Sorry if it's not very helpful T_T