i got cheated on in my first serious relationship :c
the only man i've ever really loved kinda half cheated on me, he didn't actually do anything with her because hes too much of a loser but he liked her while lying through his teeth and saying he loved me
i didn't call it cheating at first but i've heard that it counts and calling it that helps me mentally process how bad what he did to me was
my therapist says he emotionally abused me and I can't bring myself to believe that it's anyones fault but my own for not leaving when everyone told me he was probably cheating on me and i found him saying to his friends that he hated me but he told me to my face he loved me and for some reason that was enough for me to stay
he constantly gaslit me into thinking he was a good partner and that i didn't deserve more than he was giving me and this gaslighting led me into a severe depressive spiral that almost killed me
eventually he dumped me for this one girl whos actually awesome bcs she ghosted him after she found out how he treated me, i can't really blame her at all i guess even though she technically ruined the most important relationship in my life
i thought after he dumped me my life would get better and it did for a while but now im back in the hole. i left basically all of my real friends who urged me to break up with him behind for his sake and i cant bring myself to really reach out to them because everytime i hang out with my friends i think of him and how he lied about liking me and i cant help but be scared all my friends feel the same as he did
i almost was in a rebound relationship that went really poorly because i took the lessons from my ex too far, i cant find a balance of trusting people enough while still keeping my spine. im so deeply untrusting, i cant believe anyone actually likes me no matter how much they reassure me, im gonna keep fumbling anyone whos actually good for me because the guy who cheated on me completely messed up my mind
but its not just romantic relationships that hes ruined, since he left me i've been unable to talk to really anyone, i have constant breakdowns in public, im getting better at not hurting myself but there's a real struggle there and it sucks because i never really seriously dealt with any of that before him
i'm just so tired, its been four months since he dumped me and i should've moved on from him by now, i've never had a problem moving on from anyone but him, the way he abused me and manipulated me into being desperately attached to him has just made it so hard to move on
im working on it with my therapist but it takes so long, it feels like my therapist is draining a massive swamp a spoonful at a time, it definitley helps a little and its very cathartic but its never gonna fix me :(
the only solace i have is that a lot of his friends stopped talking to him after they found out how he treated me but i feel so awful taking delight in his misery