10.4.2026 Is an intense need for solitude always rooted in childhood trauma, or have some of us just adapted to being alone?
Good morning, everyone!
A lot of people think being a "lone wolf" in your 30s is just a personality trait or a cool lifestyle choice. But for me, it came from a childhood filled with emotional neglect, constant bullying, and feeling like an outsider everywhere I went.
As a result, I used to just shut myself in my room and keep to myself.
During my teen years, I had a huge longing to make friends. But as I approached my 30s, that longing kind of died, and I resigned to accepting that it probably won't happen for me.
Even when I force myself into social situations, like going to local Meetups, I struggle so hard with basic conversation and connecting with people. I feel so anxious and avoidant. I'm endlessly critical of myself, and I still carry that old image from my school days: "I'm the weird kid, nobody likes me." On the rare occasions where I actually relax and feel like myself, I spend the entire night ruminating afterward: "Why did I say that? I'm so stupid."
Then there's this learned worthlessness. Even when people genuinely try to talk to me, there's a nagging voice in my head saying, "You're just wasting their time."
My childhood decimated my ability to form healthy connections. I've been in and out of therapy with little improvement, but I'm still trying to put myself out there in hopes of slow healing. I know I need positive social experiences to unlearn over two decades of shitty ones.