u/20Luc1a02

I’m honestly getting tired of how often a woman who goes through a bad relationship or has a terrible ex ends up being asked, “Why did you choose him?”

The bad ex is the part we already know happened. Maybe he was incredibly good at hiding who he really was. Maybe his intentions changed later. Maybe there was something else going on that nobody could have seen coming. Who knows.

Whatever the reason, if someone was willing to throw away their responsibility and basic decency toward their partner, shouldn't that person be the one getting called out?

I understand wanting to look at what she missed if you're trying to help a friend avoid making the same mistake again. But sometimes the conversation starts spending more time asking why she didn't see the red flags than talking about what the other person actually did.

Once you know how someone turned out, it's pretty easy to look back and think, “You should've known.”

I honestly don't understand where the idea that the person who got hurt should also be blamed for what happened even comes from.

My BIL was moving apartments last weekend and needed to haul a couch, so I tossed him my keys. I figured the truck would come back with an empty tank and maybe a new scratch. That's kind of the deal when you lend someone a truck.

When he brought it back, I did the usual walk-around. The truck was clean. Like, actually washed. Full tank too.

Then I noticed the sticker on the windshield.

Jiffy Lube. He'd gotten the oil changed. The one I'd been putting off since March.

I texted him, "You got the oil changed???" He said, "Yeah, it was way overdue. It was bugging me every time I started it."

I'd been ignoring that reminder for so long I barely noticed it anymore. Apparently it bugged him more than it bugged me. 🥹

He also refused when I offered to pay for the gas, so now I'm stuck on what to do about the oil change.

A. Venmo him the cost of the oil change anyway.

B. Show up with a case of his favorite beer and call it even.

Part of me feels like sending money makes a family favor feel too much like a transaction. But showing up with beer feels a little more like saying thanks.

What would you do?

I don't drink, and usually that's not something I think twice about. If someone offers me a drink, I'll just say no thanks. What I don't get is why that answer so often leads to more questions.

"Why don't you drink?" "Are you sober?" "Are you in recovery?" "Wait, are you pregnant?" Sometimes I'll say I just don't like drinking, and that somehow doesn't seem to satisfy people. If there's no obvious reason, it can feel like people just assume I'm being boring or difficult. But if there's a medical reason, I'm in recovery, or I'm taking some medication, suddenly nobody needs to know anything else.

Why does "I don't want to drink" need to come with a reason people think is good enough? I get offering someone a drink. I get asking once. But once I've said no, why does it become a conversation about what must be wrong or different about me?

And it's not like people have never heard of not drinking. There are mocktails everywhere now. People talk about cutting back, taking breaks from alcohol, being healthier. It's pretty normal.

Me and this friend have been close since college. They're fun to be around and have helped me out in other ways, but they've always been careless with other people's belongings.

Over the past year, I've had several things come back damaged after they borrowed them.

They borrowed my Nintendo Switch and returned it with a cracked screen. They apologized but didn't offer to repair it. I let it go because it still worked.

A few months later, they borrowed my air fryer for a gathering. It came back damaged, and they said they would replace the part. They never did, so I paid for it myself.

Then they borrowed my noise-canceling headphones for a trip. They came back with one side damaged. When I mentioned it, they said something like, "They still work though." They said they would pay me back, but it never happened.

The last time was my camera. I was hesitant because of the previous issues, but they said they would be careful. It came back damaged, and the repair estimate was a few hundred dollars.

Altogether, I've spent close to $500 repairing or replacing things they've damaged.

At that point, I told them I wasn't comfortable lending out expensive items anymore. I said that if they wanted to borrow anything valuable, they would need to leave a $500 deposit upfront, which I would return once the item came back in the same condition.

They got upset and told some of our mutual friends that I was treating them like a customer instead of a friend.

A few people said I should have just stopped lending things quietly instead of making it a rule. One friend told me I was "putting a price on the friendship" and making everyone uncomfortable.

I understand that asking a friend for money upfront can feel awkward. But I've already given multiple chances, and every time the response was basically "I'll pay you back" without anything actually happening.

A: I should have just stopped lending expensive things. Asking for money upfront changes the friendship dynamic and makes it feel like a transaction..

B: I've already covered hundreds of dollars in damage from repeated carelessness. Asking for the replacement value upfront is a reasonable boundary after someone has shown they won't take responsibility.

I have a high deductible plan, and I’ve noticed how much it affects the way I deal with getting sick. If I have a bad cough or some weird rash, I usually start with the obvious stuff. OTC meds, wait a few days, see if it clears up, maybe look into a telehealth visit.

The problem is when that stuff doesn’t work and I actually need someone to look at it. My PCP usually can’t get me in right away, so urgent care becomes the next option.

And that’s when I start thinking about the cost. If I haven’t hit my deductible yet, I know I could be looking at a pretty big out-of-pocket bill for something that might end up being a pretty simple visit. It stings when the main reason you hesitate to see a doctor isn’t fear of the diagnosis, but fear of the invoice.

I have been bringing my own lunch to work almost every day for about two years.

Every Sunday I spend around 1-2 hours cooking, portioning meals into containers, and preparing enough food for the work week. It is cheaper, I know what is in my food, and honestly I enjoy cooking.

Since our office moved back to a more regular in-person schedule, lunch has gotten expensive. The food court downstairs has salads that are around $15, and a sandwich with a drink can easily be $18 or more. A lot of my coworkers spend around $80-$100 a week just on lunch.

I usually spend around $30-$40 on groceries for my work lunches for the week. I am not doing this because I cannot afford food. I make around $60K, but I would rather save money for things that are more important to me.

For a long time nobody cared. People would ask what I made or say my food smelled good.

A few weeks ago, our team had a lunch at the office to welcome someone new. Everyone ordered from a restaurant nearby, and I brought my own meal like usual.

One coworker laughed and said, "Of course you brought the Tupperware again." I thought it was just a joke.

But after that, it started coming up more often. A few people joked about my "lunch container" habit, and someone said that when the team is trying to build a better culture, it feels like I am separating myself by not ordering food with everyone else.

Another coworker told me, "You make decent money. You can afford to buy lunch sometimes." That comment bothered me because I do participate. I talk with everyone, join conversations, and go to team events. I just happen to bring my own food.

My bf suggested I join the team for lunch occasionally just to avoid making it a thing.I do not want to make this into a huge workplace issue, but now I feel self-conscious every time I take out my lunch.

Would you keep bringing your own lunch?

A. I would keep meal-prepping. My coworkers do not get to decide what is professional, and saving money is a reasonable choice.

B. I would compromise and join team lunches occasionally. Workplace relationships matter, and sometimes fitting in is worth the extra cost.

I keep seeing people post huge shopping hauls and luxury unboxings like spending a ridiculous amount of money is part of the fun. The comments are full of "goals" and "I need this," while someone talking about buying secondhand, using coupons, or waiting for a sale can sometimes feel like they have to explain themselves.

It's weird that being careful with money can carry so much embarrassment, while spending way more than you need to is sometimes treated like proof that you're doing well.

We broke up in January, and we haven't spoken since. Nothing bad happened between us. No cheating or big fight. We just kind of stopped making plans and eventually both knew it wasn't working. We said we'd stay friends, but obviously that didn't happen.

Then a box showed up out of nowhere. I had no idea he was sending anything. It had some random stuff I'd forgotten to take home, but the one thing that really caught my attention was the book I never finished.

He'd folded the page where I'd stopped, and there was a short handwritten note inside.

He said he finished the book a few months later and there was a part near the end that made him think of me. He said he didn't regret our relationship and had thought about sending the book for a while.

There was no "I miss you" or "we should talk" or anything like that. After I read it, there were a few times I wanted to text him, but I honestly had no idea what to say.

I can't tell if he was just returning my stuff or hoping I'd respond.

A) Reply. Keep it simple and maybe mention the book.

B) Leave it alone. He sent it, and I don't need to turn it into anything else.

I live with my roommate. We've been sharing an apartment since she moved in.

I pay for Netflix, Max, and Spotify Premium. It costs me around $45 a month. When my roommate moved in, she asked if she could use my accounts. I said yes because I didn't mind sharing. I figured if she was using them regularly, she would eventually offer to contribute something.

That never happened. She uses Netflix a lot, listens to Spotify at work, and watches Max pretty often. I never said anything because I didn't want to turn a small thing into a roommate problem.

Recently, I finally brought it up and asked if she could contribute $15 a month since she uses all three services so often.

She immediately said I was being petty. She said roommates are supposed to share things and that I was making money more important than our friendship.

What bothered me was that I couldn't really understand where the line was supposed to be.

A few weeks earlier, I asked if I could join her Costco trip and use her membership while shopping. She said yes, but when we checked out, she asked me for $5 because she was letting me use her Costco card.

I thought she was joking at first, but she said she charges people because it is her membership and she is the one paying for it.

I paid the $5 and let it go. But after she accused me of being unreasonable for asking for $15 a month, I asked her how that was different from my subscriptions. I was paying for those too, and she was using them regularly.

She said Costco was different because membership sharing has rules. I understand that, but I still couldn't help feeling confused. It seemed like costs mattered when it was something she paid for, but not when it was something I paid for.

Since then, she has been pretty cold toward me. She stopped using some shared items and has been avoiding conversations with me.

A mutual friend thinks I should just drop it because $15 a month is not worth making my home uncomfortable.

My brother thinks I am right because she expects generosity from me while charging me for her own things.

I know I probably should have brought it up sooner instead of letting it bother me. But at this point, it doesn't really feel like it's just about the money.

A. Yes. I should have let it go because roommates sharing things is normal, and $15 a month is not worth the conflict.

B. No. She expected free access to things I pay for while charging me for access to something she pays for. It is fair to set a boundary.

I've been on and off dating apps for years and man, every time I come back there's something else they want me to pay for. Someone liked you? Pay to see who. Better filters? Paid. Want your profile seen by more people? Buy a boost. Then there's some new premium feature I've never heard of.

I KNOW these apps are businesses. Obviously. But after a while you start opening the app already expecting to be sold something. I'm supposed to be looking at people, and instead I'm looking at which parts of the app I'm allowed to use this month. The whole thing starts feeling less like dating and more like managing another subscription.

I sold a smart fitness mirror on Facebook Marketplace a couple of days ago. It was in great shape, powered on fine, and everything we tested during pickup worked exactly like it was supposed to.

The buyer messaged me the next day saying they got it home, set everything up, and then realized most of the workout features require a monthly subscription. They said I should've mentioned that before the sale and are asking for a full refund.

The thing is, I honestly didn't know. I hadn't used it in a long time, and to me I was selling a piece of used hardware that worked exactly as advertised. I wasn't trying to hide anything, and they never asked about subscriptions either.

I do feel bad because I'd be annoyed too if I bought something and found out I had another monthly bill waiting for me. At the same time, Marketplace sales are usually as-is, and I don't really feel like I'm responsible for a company's subscription model.

What would you do?

A: Decline the refund. The device works, and it's the buyer's responsibility to research subscriptions before buying.

B: Take it back and refund them. Even if it wasn't your fault, it's the right thing to do.

Our building switched everyone over to smart locks. Not long after that, everyone started getting charged a mandatory $15 "Resident Technology Fee."

I came home and ended up standing outside my own apartment waiting for the lock app to connect. It eventually worked, but the whole time I kept thinking a regular key would've gotten me inside already. And I'm paying extra for it.

I asked if I could just use a regular key instead, and they said they don't issue physical keys anymore. Maybe it's just me, but I miss having a key that worked every time.

My ex and I have shared our golden retriever Cooper on a week-on/week-off schedule since we broke up 14 months ago.

We adopted Cooper together when he was a puppy. We both paid for his adoption, vet bills, food, and everything else. When we separated, the hardest thing to decide was what to do with him. We agreed to split time because we both love him.

For the most part, it worked. But over time, the schedule became harder to manage. My ex started changing handoff times more often, and there were also several late-night texts asking me to come over because Cooper was "sick" or "something seemed wrong." Every time I went, Cooper seemed fine. Maybe my ex was genuinely worried, maybe not. I don't know. But it started making it difficult to have any distance after the breakup.

Then I found out something that changed how I saw the situation.

During a vet visit, I was told Cooper's microchip was registered under only my ex's name. When we adopted him, both of us were listed. I checked the original paperwork, and both of our names were there. The registration had been changed almost a year ago, and my ex never mentioned it.

When I asked about it, my ex said they were just updating the information because I had moved. The problem is, I moved after the change was already made.

I don't know if my ex was trying to take ownership of Cooper or if there was another explanation. But it made me question whether shared custody is still realistic when something like this happened without telling me.

I talked to a lawyer. Since pets are considered property where I live, I could try to fight for sole ownership. I have adoption records, payment records, and years of vet bills. But it could cost thousands of dollars, take months, and there is no guarantee I would win.

The hardest part is that Cooper clearly loves both of us. He is happy at my ex's place and happy at mine. He doesn't understand paperwork, ownership, or why two people who love him are fighting over him.

A. I should keep shared custody but make it official. A written agreement with fixed schedules and boundaries would protect me while letting Cooper have both of us. The microchip issue was wrong, but taking Cooper away from someone he loves might hurt him more than it helps me.

B. I should fight for sole custody. Changing the microchip without telling me shows my ex can't be trusted with a shared arrangement. Cooper deserves stability, and continuing this situation just gives my ex a reason to stay involved in my life for years.

I mean, I don't mind paying what a meal costs. I get that running a restaurant isn't cheap, and if healthcare, better wages, or employee benefits cost more, then just work that into the menu prices. I'd rather know the real price before I order than get surprised later.

The prices were right there on the menu. Then the bill shows up and suddenly there's an "employee wellness fee," a "living wage fee," or whatever they're calling it now. I don't even care if the meal ends up costing another couple of bucks. Just tell me that upfront.

Honestly, I'd probably respect that a lot more than seeing another charge show up at the bottom of the receipt. It just makes the whole thing feel way more complicated than it has to be.

Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know. But if these are just part of running a restaurant, why not make them part of the menu price like everything else? That makes a lot more sense to me.