r/toxicfamilies

I am a 19 year old girl doing A2 level cambridge in Bangladesh......from young age my mom used to physically and verbally abuse me for getting low marks......physically abuse as in using hard long objects to beat me, started beating me already on the way on rickshaw for getting 6/10 and the toppers got 10/10 or 9.5/10 and their moms would flaunt and all and my mom used to be embarrased in front of them so she would start beating on the way then coming home she would beat more.......i had my o levels last year, i got 2 A*,4A,1B (77).....mom didnt care much bout the B cuz she knew i struggled a lot in that subject (CS) BUT SHE wanted 6A* cuz all other parents' children has 9A*...8A*....i had 7 subs and she wanted 6A* but i couldnt do it...i failed her......after getting the result she cursed and insulted me and had so much high pressure she was in bed rest for few days cuz she fell sick and cried her heart out to her sisters and her mother.....they all supported her cuz they knew my mom spent all her money on my education yet i couldnt do good result and they kind of yk started to ig dislike me a bit cuz i caused their sister (my mom) pain and all......she kept cursing and insulting me for monthsss and i was crying mess and i fell into depression for few months.........then this year my AS level result came out 2 days ...i had 3 subs....phy chem maths.....i had 1A*(maths) 1A (chemistry) and 1B (physics 76)........she expected 3 A but this time again i couldnt do it.....she repeated the same thing from last year.......calling me trasngender cuz i shave my facial hair neck hair hair on arms and legs......she told me multiple times not to cuz due to shavving they grow thick and long but ACTUALLY THATS A MYTH AND IT DOESNT but my mom doesnt understand and tells me that i'll have skin cancer disease if i keep shaving but i didnt listen cuz i am insecured due to my body hair facial hair making me feel like a man....even boys at schooll tell me "look at urself hahaha" sometimes i cry myself to sleep so i ended up shaving them and she shouted and yelled more and cursed me......then she calls me chimpangee and transgender cuz my facial hair starts to grow like a stubble......so that day when other parents called my mom to know result she told them that "no no my daughter doesnt do good result she is busy shaving her DARI MUUCH at home" and she keeps badmouthing bout me to all relatives and parents saying i wasted all her money.......i didnt give any effort for the exam (i gave lots of effort.....i studied hard).....i took these CIE exams as just fun and time pass cuz i actually went there to show off and think boys have crush on me and all...she said these stuffs and thatshe would speak bad bout my character.....shame me...insult me....my hair...teeth...skin colour....call me dirt......money waster....ruined her life.....call me a jealous devil......and btw all these slangs and insults r actually in bangla so bengali ppl here i hope u can understand how bad it hurts, im crying as im typing this so sorry for my mistakes here......she said with these bad results no university will accept me and they wont send me abroad for bachelors and that they wont allow me to get into prvt uni either.....it was my dream to study abroad for bachelors but they wont send me telling me i wasted all their money now they dont have anymore so they wont waste anymore whatver they have left cuz i have a brother in grade 9 he also needs them afterall he does toppper results like my parents expected and i couldnt......so i left my dream to study abroad and wished to study in prvt uni like bracu but they also wont allow me that either giving same reasons as money;......they said if i can get into BUET OR IIT then fine but if i cant then they will marry me off to someone who is poor and useless so that they wont need too much money for marriage cuz afterall with such bad result and ugly ass face no good family will want me for their son.........yesterday night she came into my room and started insulting again out of no where and took away my airpods and hair straightener saying now lets see which guy looks at this ugly face ....u think u look very beautiful huh?....allah jane na jani shundor hoile ki korti tui..........she said stuffs like this and my god i cant take it anymore....i thought bout ending my life many times but i cant cuz its haram so i decided to get into a car accident by standing in the middle of the road...........where did i go wrong? before my results came out i prayed continuosly and did so many dhikr that ALLAH even if my result is bad pleaseee dont make the situation at home like this pleasee but its worse than last year.......i cant take it anymore......everyyy hour she is insulting me everyy hour....cursing calling me names..insults......someone help......when i try to stay quiet and emotionless face trying to protect my mental state she calls me attitude egoestic and disobedient