r/toxicfamilies

So, my father has some gambling issues addiction, he also drinks alcohol on nearly a daily basis, and 4-5 months ago he asked me for 2.6k usd, reluctantly I have it to him telling him its the last time because I have spoke to him for his issues and he never tries, and now he says he needs 10k usd to cover his debt so he can get another one and pay me back, because he cant pay what he has at all. This time, after tons of times telling him please get rid of the bad things for many years, I told him that it might be time that he needs to take accountability for his actions, and he was saying “dont let money divide us” or “you wont do this for me? I would sell the house for you” or even “its money and I will pay you back in 6 months after i get my big loan after they clear me”.

By the way he can go to work in US and is aware, but is saying dont make me go work there and “die there” … again emotionally shattering me tbh. He has just 1 job which he works just 3-4 hrs and gets back in 11am in the house, he never once picked up a second job for many years, he used to work before as a taxi driver but no more for 15 yrs

Tldr: father has issues with gambling, told him for many years stop, gave him 2,6k couple months afo, now he says he cant pay debt asks to cover him by gettung 10k and he will be able to get a big one and pay me back All I ask is, am I perhaps guilty? Do I have this wrong? He is my father at the end of the day, but shouldnt he take some responsibility?

So the thing is that im 16 and i just got my personal phone and before that i had all of my social media accounts logged in my mom’s phone and she told me not to log out of her phone and I didn’t say anything cuz they don’t understand me and would have been mad

The day before yesterday my dad checked my phone or my dms specifically and im not okay with that im not okay with that and they got mad at me cuz i had some online friend and he was a male and they are now taunting me

My mom checks my account every single day and im pretty sure that she checks it twice a day i told them that im not okay with this and they always say we’re concerned and checking on what our kid is doing

My mom reads my chat with my bsf and she wrote about her crushes and some other problems she also checked the guy she had a crush on and its so problematic and messed up cuz she trusted me and i was one of the only 4 people who knew about this and 1 of these 4 persons is her crush and she jokes about them she told me to break our friendship and does not want me to be her friend my dad said the same thing

Im not allowed to date and they are constantly checking my phone my messages call log dms and all just to see if im talking to a boy nd when i do have some male friends with whom im talking normally they taunt me and get paranoid and checks each and every message i just got in trouble cuz one of my friends sent me reel and there was a cuss word and i replied with the same cuss word im sick of it

I grew up with the idea that my worth came from the lens of my parents. I was rewarded when I displayed good behavior or achievements. My behavior was digestible when I was docile and didn’t stand up for myself. Moreover, my achievements were centered around my grades in school.

My mother grew up in an impoverished environment which warped her sense of reality and parenting style. We are from Baltimore, MD. It is easy to get mixed in the wrong crowd. My family has a history of addiction, and crime. The two worlds were one and the same. My mother intentionally focused on raising me a different way. I thank her for that. However, she would oftentimes weaponize me being different or “soft” as some would say. I would be compared to peers when my grades would be less than satisfactory and my family members when I would show emotional vulnerability.

My father was raised in Charlotte, NC. He would always say how “He didn’t have a father like I did, his father didn’t talk to him about life”. I grew up feeling fortunate that I had a father at home, while many boys my age did not. I felt like I couldn’t complain about mistreatment. I was clothed, bathed, and fed. However, the only emotion my father displayed was anger. I never saw him be emotionally vulnerable. This caused me to believe, like many other boys, that the only emotion men were allowed to display was anger. My father did spend time with me though we used to go to the bowling alley, arcade, and the movie theater in my elementary school days. Recently I asked him why he stopped and he told me “I did those things because you were young, and your mother made me, you are older now, so you have your own life” After that conversation I felt empty, as if our relationship was a chore.

I have two pivotal moments that allowed me to consider the treatment in my childhood as emotional neglect. One, my father would beat me for the smallest things. I remember being 13, and getting into an argument with him. He came into my room and grabbed me by the shirt until my feet were dangling in the air. I yelled for help. Eventually Child Protective Services came, and I was interrogated in my kitchen. My mother sat in the living room listening. I could hear her say “What are you saying to my son?” I remember her asking me to come into the living room. She pleaded with tears in her eyes “Please don’t tell them what happened, we will lose everything. You will be put in a foster home, your father will go to jail, and I will lose my daycare.” This was the first time I’ve abandoned myself.

The second moment was when My sister drove my mother and I to a doctors appointment. I remember talking back to my mother in response to something she said. She responded by telling me “I hope you die, I have life insurance to pay for your funeral”. When I was seen by my doctor she noticed I was in distress. She suggested I should be seen by a therapist. My mother responded to her in a dismissive way suggesting she should “mind her own business”. Mind you I wasn’t a perfect child. I had flaws, but in no way did I deserve that.

My sister shared the same mother but different fathers. She died from alcohol abuse in 2018. My mother would compare us a lot. A few years ago she told me my sister was weak. She said “She would cry when I said things to her.” “You talk back.” I remember my sister would call me strong, for “standing up to my mother.” Looking back, I think my mother honestly tried to break us. I honestly believe that my mother’s treatment was partly the reason of her alcohol abuse.

In present day, I try to maintain a low-contact relationship with my parents. They are older and have convenient amnesia about their treatment of me. As I pull back the layers within my mind it becomes harder to wrap my head around their behavior. I have been in therapy for years now with hopes of healing.

Has anyone else been through anything similar to this? If so how do you navigate life now?

I’m 20 years old, and I genuinely don’t know what it’s like to have parents who make you feel loved.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I was an inconvenience. Not a daughter. Just someone who happened to live in the house.
My mother always seemed more interested in proving herself to my father than in actually being my mother. Every argument somehow became my fault. Every need I had felt like an annoyance. Today she looked at me and told me she hated me and would rather help children who are dying than me.
Those words shattered me.
My father has spent my whole life lying. Not little lies—lies that affected other people.
For years, my parents told my grandfather that my sibling and I were studying at an expensive private school. He believed he was paying for our education because he loved us and wanted us to have opportunities. The reality? We were attending a public school. They kept taking his money anyway.
I still think about my grandfather believing he was helping his grandchildren while he was being deceived. That memory makes me sick.
Growing up, I rarely asked for anything because I already knew the answer.
Clothes? No.
Shoes? No.
Anything that made life a little easier? No.
But somehow there was always money for hotels, parties, and whatever they wanted.
I’m studying architecture now. Anyone who knows this field knows that a laptop isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. My courses require software like 3ds Max, Revit, and Archicad.
I wasn’t asking for a sports car.
I wasn’t asking for designer clothes.
I wasn’t asking for a vacation.
I asked for help getting a laptop that would let me do my university work.
I even found a way to pay for it in monthly installments. I only needed their help with the process.
They refused.
Then I found out they’re selling one of their houses for a huge amount of money.
So I asked again.
Maybe this time they’d think my education mattered.
Their answer?
“We don’t have money.”
Something inside me just snapped.
It wasn’t about the laptop anymore.
It was the realization that I have spent twenty years lowering my expectations because I kept hoping that if I asked for almost nothing, maybe they would finally say yes to something.
Instead, I’ve spent my whole life watching them choose themselves over me.

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know how people move on from this. If you’ve grown up feeling like your parents never chose you, how did you stop carrying that pain into adulthood?

How do you move on from a narcissistic mother when you love her so much, but she doesn’t seem to love you the same way? How do you stop feeling hurt when your brother is the golden child and she always puts him and his family first? Has anyone been through this, and what helped you heal?

Im a twin but I almost always get worst child crown…. I’m the youngest.. tbh my parents said they didn’t even want twins from the start so I feel like I always been the problem lol. never did nothing bad as a kid but probably take money from my parents…I started taking money from them when I was like 16 -18. I was a fein and a heavy smoker I paid my debt back tho and apologized deeply. I never got my way I never got what I wanted to do and they a tell me true world isn’t fair and your never gonna get your way. But yk who got what they wanted my twin brother lol im not hating i just was like damn it isn’t fair.
I have a twin brother which is like the worst person I met lol idk if I’m crazy or w.3 but ya.
He burnt the house down, maxed out credit cards,
Stolen 500$ worth of tutor money brings weapons to school etc. he done all of this before we even got to high school keep in mind. We was in and out of hotels until the age of 15.My twin the one that influenced me to smoke / drink. He pawned my only graduation gift which I had got from my auntie which was a coach book bag it was like 400-500 he pawned it for like 60$ and bought weed with it and our parents didn’t do anything about it… i just feel like I’ve been done wrong or im trippin. everytime i got in trouble it was never my fault it was always because of my twin brother and they a be like you never do nothing which 9 times out of 10 it’s true i really never do nothing bullshjt come to me I mind my business but shit don’t mind me lol . My brother got my jumped and robbed in our home for what reason i dont know till this day lol! I cant make this shit up. My mom kicked me out the house when I was 19 going on 20 but you kno who still lives there till this day my freaking twin brother. Till this day and I’m 22 years old my mom, dad, and twin brother treat me like shit lol.