Narcissistic Mother/ Emotionally Unavailable Father
I grew up with the idea that my worth came from the lens of my parents. I was rewarded when I displayed good behavior or achievements. My behavior was digestible when I was docile and didn’t stand up for myself. Moreover, my achievements were centered around my grades in school.
My mother grew up in an impoverished environment which warped her sense of reality and parenting style. We are from Baltimore, MD. It is easy to get mixed in the wrong crowd. My family has a history of addiction, and crime. The two worlds were one and the same. My mother intentionally focused on raising me a different way. I thank her for that. However, she would oftentimes weaponize me being different or “soft” as some would say. I would be compared to peers when my grades would be less than satisfactory and my family members when I would show emotional vulnerability.
My father was raised in Charlotte, NC. He would always say how “He didn’t have a father like I did, his father didn’t talk to him about life”. I grew up feeling fortunate that I had a father at home, while many boys my age did not. I felt like I couldn’t complain about mistreatment. I was clothed, bathed, and fed. However, the only emotion my father displayed was anger. I never saw him be emotionally vulnerable. This caused me to believe, like many other boys, that the only emotion men were allowed to display was anger. My father did spend time with me though we used to go to the bowling alley, arcade, and the movie theater in my elementary school days. Recently I asked him why he stopped and he told me “I did those things because you were young, and your mother made me, you are older now, so you have your own life” After that conversation I felt empty, as if our relationship was a chore.
I have two pivotal moments that allowed me to consider the treatment in my childhood as emotional neglect. One, my father would beat me for the smallest things. I remember being 13, and getting into an argument with him. He came into my room and grabbed me by the shirt until my feet were dangling in the air. I yelled for help. Eventually Child Protective Services came, and I was interrogated in my kitchen. My mother sat in the living room listening. I could hear her say “What are you saying to my son?” I remember her asking me to come into the living room. She pleaded with tears in her eyes “Please don’t tell them what happened, we will lose everything. You will be put in a foster home, your father will go to jail, and I will lose my daycare.” This was the first time I’ve abandoned myself.
The second moment was when My sister drove my mother and I to a doctors appointment. I remember talking back to my mother in response to something she said. She responded by telling me “I hope you die, I have life insurance to pay for your funeral”. When I was seen by my doctor she noticed I was in distress. She suggested I should be seen by a therapist. My mother responded to her in a dismissive way suggesting she should “mind her own business”. Mind you I wasn’t a perfect child. I had flaws, but in no way did I deserve that.
My sister shared the same mother but different fathers. She died from alcohol abuse in 2018. My mother would compare us a lot. A few years ago she told me my sister was weak. She said “She would cry when I said things to her.” “You talk back.” I remember my sister would call me strong, for “standing up to my mother.” Looking back, I think my mother honestly tried to break us. I honestly believe that my mother’s treatment was partly the reason of her alcohol abuse.
In present day, I try to maintain a low-contact relationship with my parents. They are older and have convenient amnesia about their treatment of me. As I pull back the layers within my mind it becomes harder to wrap my head around their behavior. I have been in therapy for years now with hopes of healing.
Has anyone else been through anything similar to this? If so how do you navigate life now?