r/roommateproblems

I (25F) moved into Brooklyn a week ago, this place has various floors and thus multiple roommates. I did not get a chance to formally meet him during my tour but I was told he lives here. At the time I didn't think much of it but he is handsome. And of course after moving in, now we only run into each other when one of us is in short pajamas with no bra and or with no shirt on (him ofc). We have only ever said good morning to one another. I have had no further contact with him.

However, I am sure he has a girlfriend or a lover. Yesterday I heard deep groaning as if he was finishing. I questioned if he was doing what I thought, just solo. Sometime later I heard a girl in the room. I am not stupid, I know he just got laid. My question is how do I know if he is in relationship or is having a fling?

It would be beyond hot for something to happen between us right? However I am a shy, reserved, and respectful individual who is reluctant to pursue anyone. How can I further explore this without souring my living situation or seeming weird? The looks shared between us seem flirtatious or nervous idk but I think it is all in my head. Help!

Background context: I (28F) have been friends and roommates with my roommate (28F) since college. We've lived together for about 8 years, even moving to different cities together.

Our lives have gone in very different directions. I finished college, built a career, and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. She dropped out of college, worked an entry-level job until she was fired last year, and has been unemployed ever since. Her parents pay her rent, she doesn't have friends besides me, drinks heavily every day (usually 1/3 bottle of vodka or 6+ seltzers), and spends most of her time at home scrolling on her phone. She isn't disruptive or a terrible roommate. She mostly keeps to herself and cleans up after herself but she doesn't seem interested in changing her situation.

I've spent years trying to help her figure out what she's struggling with, but I've realized nothing changes unless she wants it to. Living with someone who spends every day drinking and doing nothing has made the atmosphere in our home feel really depressing, even though she isn't causing any obvious problems.

Our friendship has changed over time too. She gets visibly upset when I spend time with my boyfriend or other friends without her, but when we do things together it's hard to connect because she has nothing going on in her life anymore. I don't want every conversation to become about her struggles, but I also don't know what else to talk about.

The biggest issue is that my boyfriend and I are ready to move in together. When I brought the idea up, my roommate said she'd rather kill herself than live alone. This isn't the first time she's made comments like that, and now I feel trapped. I feel like moving forward with my own life could put her at risk, even though I know her life is her responsibility.

I've talked to her parents multiple times, but they mostly say they hope she'll eventually snap out of it. I know we've all enabled her in different ways, but I genuinely don't know what else to do. I care about her and don't want to abandon her, but I also feel like I've put my own life on hold because I'm afraid of what might happen if I finally move on.

I feel responsible for someone who refuses to help herself, and I don't know where the line is between being a good friend and sacrificing my own future. I'm not sure where to go from here.

All right show me and my best friend are both male and 21 and we both live in different states and for the past few months, we’ve been talking about me moving up to where he is. And recently, I have been planning to make just a quick trip up there to go see him as well as some other very close friends, and I asked if I could crash at his place for the week and he said sure and so it’s a week before I’m supposed to come up and I text him a couple of times trying to get an answer out of him to see if I’m still able to stay over and after a couple of days he says no he’s busy and he can’t really let me stay over for the week. And I said you know what that’s fine get it. It sucks but I get it and so I go to some of my other close close friends that I’m also going to go visit and they said yes, absolutely and so I kind of am just thinking because of a lot of past issues if I should rent an apartment with him still. My reasons being is because with the childhood friend I don’t really talk to him as much because usually he doesn’t pick up my calls a lot of the time and he’s just never really there. And my other close friends that let me stay at their house have been pitching the idea of three of us getting an apartment together looking up places we could rent apartments and everything and I talk with them fairly frequently play games with them and etc., and so I’m just kind of at a predicament of how I should tell my childhood friend that I just don’t want to rent an apartment with them like I still care for him deeply. The guy is like a brother to me, but I just don’t want to rent an apartment with with him so I just need advice

Need advice lalo from mga may asawa na malakas humilik, paano kayo nakakatulog?

Panggabi ako so hirap na hirap na talaga ako makabawi ng tulog. Weekend na nga lang yung chance ko makatulog nang maayos tapos sobrang lakas pa humilik ng asawa ko. Umaabot na sa point na pinag-aawayan na namin kasi parang wala rin siyang pake kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na pagod na pagod na ko.

Naka-try na kami ng:
pagtalikod
ibang unan
gigisingin siya
pero bumabalik din agad.

Honestly naapektuhan na talaga sleep ko and mood ko.
Sa mga naka-experience nito:
ano gumana sainyo?
may device/remedy ba talaga?
separate room na lang ba realistic solution?
possible ba na sleep apnea na to?
Open ato practical advice 😭

Genuinely curious what other people's experiences are like - trying to figure out if it's just my house or this is universal lol.

What's your biggest roommate pain point?

View Poll

I’ve have been staying at this apartment since 8 months now. I have 2 roommates and one of them is the primary leaseholder and I am the secondary leaseholder, the other roommate is listed as an occupant on the lease. I had joined this lease way after the lease had started so I wasn’t aware that my roommate had problems paying the rent. The leaseholders (me and my roommate who is the primary on this lease) have paid our rent on time every month and it was only the other one who didn’t pay. It started with smaller amounts and I brushed it off but since March it started becoming bigger amounts and it has racked upto 2k now. Our lease is ending this month and we have to vacate the apartment. My roommate and I have decided we are moving out since we have already paid our share but we had gotten a ‘notice to evict’ for the last month. I took this notice to the leasing office and I told them that me and my roommate had already paid our share so why did we get this notice. The leasing agent told me not to worry about it and that we did not have to appear in court because we paid our share and she was going to let the property manager know about this. We spoke to that roommate yesterday and she said she wasn’t able to pay that part of the rent and that she had exhausted all her options and she was sorry to put us in this situation. I told her that the apology doesn’t mean anything because we have a charge of 2000 hanging over our head that wasn’t even our share to begin with.
Could someone suggest what I can do for this? I don’t want anything like this on my record because it’s not money I owe.

Hi, I'm just looking for other peoples opinions and thoughts on my current living situation.

I have been living in an apartment for almost a year with two roommates(They are a couple). I have known one of them for years , got a long really well
and jumped at the offer when they asked if I wanted to move in with them as they wanted a new apartment, made it seem like we would all be sharing the common spaces , That i would be welcomed etc.
That I would have a say in what goes on in the apartment.

but since the first month of moving in it has felt the complete opposite, No space for me being made in the fridge or really any of the kitchen , Cameras installed pointing down the hallway/living/ kitchen areas, no warning before they bring guests over when I am home(I don't mind if I'm not home)

for some background , currently I am NOT home often due to my work, and when I am home I am primarily in my room, my separate bathroom, maybe the kitchen 4 times a week. I pay my rent on time every month, and i only do laundry once a week, because i genuinely feel as if they see me as a burden.

They haven't had much discussion with me about any problems , maybe a few reminders at the beginning of basic things like in any house/Apt.

I fear they asked me to move in just to meet the rental requirements and then decided they don't enjoy sharing space as they have been renting on their own for a few years previously.

Am I overthinking?

I moved to a house's basement (emergency) and I didnt assess that the walls were so thin. Im someone with high libido, and I really try to not do this stuff loudly since I got here. Yesterday I was into it and theres was liquid sounds (no sounds from me nor other places). Tried my best to avoid that. But 20 minutes after I finished I hear the landlord leave their room. I didnt knew their room were right above me.

I know I screwed up. Maybe they moved because of the heat but highly doubt that. I feel so guilty because I saw them sleeping on the living room couch.

I am set on abstinence from now on. Im not sure how to deal with this matter if they ask me. Next time I'll aim at places with people my age or eith couples.

I honestly don't know if I'm overreacting anymore or if I somehow ended up living with the most unhinged roommate imaginable.

When she first moved in she seemed completely normal. Quiet, clean, paid rent on time. About a month in, little things started happening. Food would disappear, but only random bites. I'd open a new tub of ice cream and there would be one perfectly scooped spoonful missing. Half my strawberries would be gone. A single slice of pizza missing from the box. Every time I'd ask, she'd swear she hadn't touched anything.

Then it got weirder last week.

I came home early one day because I forgot my laptop charger. She didn't hear me come in. She was standing in my bedroom wearing my hoodie, talking to herself in my full length mirror like she was practicing a convrsation as me. She froze when she saw me and just said, "I wanted to see if it fit." Really???

I tried to brush it off because what do you even say to that? I was also rushing and frustrated.

Since then I've known she goes into my room whenever I'm out. I kept getting that weird feeling when you go into your house or room and feel like someone has been in there even if you don't see anything wierd.

Last night was the final straw.

I woke up at around 3am bcz I heard movement outside my room. I opened the door and she was crouched in the hallway holding a plush toy, whispering, "Don't tell her I'm borrowing you."

She laughed when she saw me standing there and acted like I was the weird one for making it a big deal because i was like WHAT YOU DOING?

Now she's being super friendly, making coffee for me every morning, asking if we can have movie nights, like none of this ever happened. It's almost creepier than if she'd just admitted she was being strange.

Our lease still has 9 months left, and breaking it would cost me a fortune. My sister think I'm exaggerating because every time she visits she's incredibly nice and acts completely normal.

What would you even do in this situation? Am I being paranoid, or is this as bizarre as it feels? Talking to her doesn't really work and she's older than me.

View Poll

I live in Canada with roommates, and we’re all on the same lease, paying equal rent.

My roommates want to use an extra "red lock" every night for safety. The problem is that when it’s locked, it can’t be opened from the outside with a key. If I’m out and they lock it, I can’t get into my own apartment until someone inside wakes up and unlocks it. We don’t live in a particularly dangerous area. It’s a normal part of town. Like most downtown areas, there are some unhoused people around, but violent crime isn’t a regular concern for us.

My schedule is unpredictable, especially in the summer. Sometimes I stay at my boyfriend’s place but decide early the next morning that I'd rather go home to get ready for work or work from there. If I tell my roommates the night before that I won’t be home, they lock the door, and I can’t get back in until they wake up. The bigger issue is that my plans can change suddenly. If I go out for the evening and tell them I won’t come home, but then something happens and I want to return at 2 or 3 a.m., I simply can’t. They’re asleep, the red lock is on, and I’m locked out of my own apartment until someone wakes up. I don’t believe I should lose access to my home just because my plans changed.

Their solution is that I need to tell them every night if I’ll be home. I don’t think I should have to report my whereabouts just to access my own home. I believe I should be able to come and go as I please without asking for permission or providing constant updates.

I’ve suggested alternatives like a security system, different locks that allow key access from the outside, or extra security for individual bedroom doors. They dismissed those ideas and insist their system is the only compromise. Another issue is that when I first moved in, we all shared our locations for safety. After a while, I noticed them discussing my whereabouts and checking my location multiple times a day. That made me uncomfortable, so I stopped sharing my location. Since then, they’ve said I’m being unreasonable and not communicating enough.

Yesterday, they tried to speak to me in person while I was rushing to take a shower before going to a movie. I told them I didn’t have time to talk. They kept pushing the conversation, and it turned confrontational since I didn’t want to discuss it on their terms. After that, I preferred to communicate in writing.

They’ve told me they’re unhappy with our living arrangement and suggested that I move out. I declined because I’m also on the lease and don’t think it’s fair for me to leave just because I disagree with this rule.

TL;DR: My roommates want to use an extra lock every night that can’t be opened from the outside with a key. If I tell them I’m staying elsewhere but change my mind in the middle of the night, I can’t get into my apartment until they wake up. They expect me to update them daily on whether I’m coming home, but I believe I should have unrestricted access to my own home without reporting my whereabouts. I also stopped sharing my location after overhearing them discuss it multiple times a day. I’ve suggested other security measures, but they insist this is the only solution and have even told me I should move out. Am I in the wrong for refusing to accept this arrangement?

I'm subletting a room in a shared house for the summer, found through a private rental listing, not an agency. Nowhere during our conversations before I moved in was I told that the owner's adult daughter (mid-30s) actually lives on the property full-time and manages it day-to-day while her parents travel. I only found this out after arriving.

For context, I'm not new to shared living, I've done house shares before and generally keep to myself. I mostly stay in my room, only use the kitchen about twice a day, and try to be as low-impact as possible as a guest in someone else's home.

When I arrived, the room hadn't been cleaned properly, there was noticeable hair in the bed and sink. I mentioned it to the daughter, and she brushed it off, claiming the hair was hers from cleaning. I wasn't convinced, so I raised it with her father directly. When I brought it up, he said he was "privy to this" and knew exactly what I was talking about, which felt like an implicit acknowledgment that he's aware of how she can be, without him actually saying that outright. He took it seriously, apologized, and had the whole place professionally cleaned within a day or two.

After that, things actually seemed to improve. The daughter and I talked for a while one evening, she shared a lot about herself, and the conversation felt cordial, even friendly. She suggested we connect on social media (I didn't take her up on it). I kept things pleasant but didn't overshare in return.

She offered to let me use a desk and chair in an empty room next to mine, said I could use it anytime, and she'd only ask me to step out if there was a showing (the house is on the market). I used it for about a week. Then I saw she'd had it moved, along with my laptop still on it, to prep for a showing. I messaged her asking if I should relocate or use a smaller table in my own room instead. She said it was totally my choice, no pressure either way.
Shortly after, I messaged her father directly asking to move a small desk into my own bedroom permanently. Before he replied, I happened to overhear her arguing with him about it through a window (she didn't know I could hear). What she said, as best as I can recall, word for word where I'm certain: that I "know she's the only one on the property," that other people had wanted my room before me (she listed them by name), that they'd "already done more than enough" for me. When he pushed back citing an upcoming showing that needed my cooperation, she responded dismissively, something like "so what, it's one showing, it's ten minutes, big deal." She then made a comment about my ethnic background, saying something to the effect of "I know these [ethnicity], they're polite to your face but difficult behind your back," implying I was outwardly pleasant but secretly difficult or untrustworthy because of where I'm from. And this, exactly: "Can't wait to see how the rest of the month goes, can't wait for her to go away."

Her father, from what I could hear, was the one actually pushing back and defending the accommodation. Shortly after, he messaged me himself, warmly, declining the desk request but offering an alternative table from storage, no mention of any tension.

Since then, she's been cold and short with me, barely speaking, while he's continued to be consistently warm, at one point calling me "an angel" for cooperating with a showing (I had to temporarily relocate my cat and leave the house for an hour). Honestly, at this point I suspect he's overcompensating with kindness because he knows she's difficult, almost like he's trying to make up for her behavior without directly addressing it. That's just my theory though.

I'll admit, this whole thing has made me more self-conscious than I already tend to be, second-guessing small interactions, wondering if I'm imagining tension that isn't there, that kind of thing.

So, what do you guys have to say about this? Should I continue living here, and how should I handle the rest of my stay?

Me (25F) and my roommate (24F) have been living together in a 2-bedr apartment for about a year. Not really friends, just two people splitting rent who get along fine.

It started innocently. She asked if a few classmates could study in the living room sometimes, I said sure, I'm never home in the evenings anyway. But it didn't stay "a few classmates." At some point, and I honestly couldn't tell you exactly when, it just became a fixed thing. I'd get home from uni/work and there'd already be people on my couch with their laptops open and bags all over the floor. There were literally moments where I stood outside of my door hesitating before going in, which is kind of insane to thinking about now. So I said something to her. Told her it was getting too much, that she needed to check with me first. She said sorry, and actually kept it smaller for about a week. Then it just slid right back to normal like that conversation never happened. Except now people weren't even asking her anymore, they'd just show up, sometimes before she was even home from class herself.

Then came the day that really broke it for me. I got home early and walked straight into a full session, like eight people, snacks laid out, someone had a speaker blasting. I asked one girl what was going on and she goes, super casual, "oh it's (my roommates name)'s study group, it's five euros for each session." That was the actual first time I'd heard anything about money.

I confronted her that night and expected her to at least get why I was upset, but nope. Completely unbothered. Said she's not "really" profiting, just covering coffee/printing/snacks and that it helps her rent, and that I barely use the living room during those hours anyway so what's the big deal as long as it's not left trashed. But that was never the point. She'd built this whole organized, paid thing in OUR shared space without ever asking me if i'm okay with it, and somehow I'd become a guest in my own apartment.

In that same conversation I told her to stop, she agreed and said she would. But then it just started up again. Smaller, but still clearly organized. And then I actually saw people paying her through their phones, right there in our living room. That's when it stopped feeling like a misunderstanding. Told her again, full stop, not smaller. She said she'd break it down after the exam season because she'd already told everyone.

So I emailed the landlord. I explained everything and that the living room was being used regularly for paid study sessions without my consent. After that it all happened pretty fast, she got a breach notice and was out within like two weeks.

People have mixed rreactions when I tell them this story. Some say I did the right thing, she had three chances and blew all of them. Others say I overreacted, nobody got hurt, it's not like she was throwing big parties, and I wasn't even home most of the time anyway. Still don't know honestly.

I want to know your opinions on this one, AITA?

50/f, Northeastern US, urban city.
Apartment lease with f/80
Big ol update on my situation for those who were asking 2 months ago, but thank you everyone here has been so helpful, but before everything, can we preface by saying I took to having the gas shut off for safety, what are the pros/cons there?
Though now, the housemate in question has purchased an electric frying pan and is cooking in her room, on her bed. Am I crazy or is this wildly unsafe?
I feel as if I was awoken 2 days in a row to an encapsulating heat in the air inside of burning smell and chemical smell, that my air conditioner nor air purifier could rid.
I'm grateful to have AC & a roof, the rest I feel again mentally tortured by her new reaction investment to my choice of keeping the fires out by shutting off the gas. At first she was angry and manic, now she's found a way! Have I just made things worse?
Since April, I've had out every organization everybody suggested, PCA, APS, OPS, Crisis response team and Wellness check. Investigation all ruled she presented fine.
Though still has not bathed, still steeped in trash piles in her room, still not cleaning.
She paid half rent, no utilities, that's only me.
The only advice I have not followed through with is petitioning for a 302, which is because I'm scared that she keeos calling me a hysteric and that I need help. When the investigators come or crisis team, she pulls this, "I'm just fine this is outrageous, those are her dishes and boxes and mess, l'm busy on a deadline writing for publishing company ×, I have 3 degrees in x, and there will be a lawsuit if you don't present your id's to me promptly!" and they seem to get bothered and leave. they don't look in her room. one told me I had misrepresented the situation, another told me my moving boxes were the fire hazard not her cooking.
I have documented and videos of her doing all the things I described, why don't they care?
I'm so scared of a fire breaking out while I'm asleep.
Anyone ever experience anything like this?
Please be nice I'm hanging by a thread.