I (21M) have known my friend (28M) for 3 months, but I'm already his main source of support and he's waiting for us to date - how do I set boundaries?
**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Gold-Necessary-3194 in r/relationship_advice**
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[**I (21M) have known my friend (28M) for 3 months, but I'm already his main source of support and he's waiting for us to date - how do I set boundaries?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1vizj3x/i\_21m\_have\_known\_my\_friend\_28m\_for\_3\_months\_but/) - August 8, 2026
I have known my friend for just over three months. He is female-to-male transgender and has BPD. Last month he had bottom surgery (no need to go to detail on this) and we had to travel across the country for it. This has wiped out most of his savings but I was hoping things would pick up from there. He's currently in a wheelchair and I have to wheel him about everywhere. He's also essentially bed bound so most days I have to go to his house to help him. I feel like more of a carer than a friend right now. Recently he developed a haematoma and has to go back to the hospital, which means another cross-country trip. I asked him why he can't get the haematoma fixed locally and he said the hospital told him that surgeons not specialising in this surgery won't know what to do and could damage the area. Something about this doesn't really make sense to me, as I assume surgeons deal with "foreign objects" in patients all the time, but I'm willing to admit I'm not an expert in this sort of thing. The bigger issue is that my friend can't afford this. He's off work, and after paying for lodging, train tickets, etc. for another trip (the second one) he only has the US equivalent of $25 in his bank account for the next month.
He doesn't have the money to buy groceries, so a couple of times a week I cook for him (which is a bit tricky, because he's vegetarian and I'm not) and deliver it for him. The bigger issue is that he's a habitual weed smoker. I have no problem with this in itself, I enjoy it once in a blue moon myself, but he smokes every day. Unfortunately it's still illegal here so he has to buy it from 'unscrupulous characters'. This means he keeps running up debts with drug dealers. I give him the money to pay them off, so he currently owes me the equivalent of $50. He just messaged me and says he needs another $25. Again, I don't mind this because I would much rather he owed the money to me than to criminals (the worst thing I'll do if I'm not paid back is I'll be a bit miffed lol). But on top of everything else it's tricky to deal with. He insists he needs weed to self-medicate for his BPD and didn't quit even though he would be drug tested for the bottom surgery. Surprisingly, he passed. Again, I'm not judging because I use nicotine to manage my autism and OCD symptoms, but it feels like another thing I have to worry about.
A bigger issue is that I still live with my parents and currently don't have a job (although my friend has been helping me find one). I don't have a lot of money myself other than my savings from previous jobs I've had and my student loan bursary, and that's a finite source of income. I had to ask my parents for money for this second trip, as funding it myself like the first time would completely wipe out my own savings, and they refused to give me the money. Without getting into detail, they are textbook definition helicopter parents and think I am getting "invested too early". When I told my friend this he says he now worries my parents hate him (which I don't think is true, I think their feelings are more complicated than that) and says he doesn't feel welcome coming to our house to visit any more. I also had to inform him that I won't be able to go with him to the next cross-country trip, and I'm worried about how he will be able to get back home (since I remember the last trip and he wasn't in any condition to travel by himself after the surgery).
I do think my parents might have a point about us becoming invested too early. My friend keeps mentioning "promise rings" (which is a concept I was unfamiliar with, but is apparently an "engagement to being engaged"? I'm still not 100% sure), but to me it feels a bit early to be thinking about that sort of thing. We are not currently dating yet, but he keeps saying he's "waiting for me" to decide we're a couple.
We had an argument the other day where I was trying to encourage him to seek treatment for the haematoma locally instead of travelling so far away again. At one point I raised my voice (most likely because I was stressed). He said I reminded him in that moment of "his abusive ex", who according to him SA'd and hit him. I apologised profusely, but I cannot help but feel highly offended by this comparison and it has played on my mind a lot since.
Even minor things are playing on my mind. He loves video games and plays them all the time, I don't. I prefer watching TV to unwind and I get the sense he doesn't. Just little things like that.
If this post seems like it's all over the place, that's because it kind of is. It feels like I'm way in over my head with this situation and I just don't know what to do. He is getting impatient with the fact we aren't dating yet but I feel like that would make this a commitment I don't think I'm ready for. But I do think him being in my life has helped me a lot in 'coming out of my shell' so to speak, and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. Ideally we would be able to just be friends right now without the expectations that this must become something more serious right away. I'd just like to hear some outside opinions.
TL;DR: I've known my 28M friend for three months, but after his surgery I've become heavily involved in his day-to-day care and finances. He's also pressuring me toward a romantic relationship, while I'm increasingly unsure whether that's something I want. I care about him and don't want to lose the friendship, but I feel overwhelmed and need advice on setting boundaries.
 
**Relevant comments**
**Commenter 1:** Ok you do not want a romantic relationship with this guy at the moment. He's very clearly in the throws of his mental illness due to the vulnerability of his situation, and IF (big if) anything more was fated to happen it is much more healthy for it to happen while on equal footing and not a carer/patient type relationship. I think the most healthy thing to note is that.
However i'm overall not inclined y'all are compatible / ready for it. While respecting triggers is important, someone who has triggers has to get over them enough to not resort to implying the person is like their old abuser, for one, and you also just seem... to not be interested in that. Which is fine. Maybe you will be if they prove themselves reliable after this rough patch but like rn you just seem to be stuck in sort of expectations of him and going along mentally, which isn't the right way to do it.
Wish you the best of luck.
> **OOP:** I have tried to make it clear to him that I would never deliberately do anything that could act as a trigger. We have went over everything that could be a trigger (obviously not going to disclose that here because it's personal to him) and I've made a note of them all. He had never said that "raising your voice while stressed" could be a trigger for him though, that came a bit out of the blue
**Commenter 2:** you might be his FP (favourite person) which you DO NOT want (look this up).
> **Commenter 3:** I stopped reading after OP said BPD. OP, you would be wise to take some time to educate yourself about BPD. Spend some time in the subreddit. There's a lot to learn and a lot to look out for. I would never say that people with BPD are not deserving of friendship, love, effort, time, but it is a major personality disorder and can cause major havoc and major emotional distress. It is common for those with BPD to become hyper attached, and to lash out when they even think those attachments are being threatened. Be prepared for some serious boundary setting, and possibly some fallout from that. It's absolutely reasonable to be wary of getting involved with someone with BPD, especially if they are not in active treatment.
> **OOP:** He is extremely clingy. If I go more than a day without popping round to his house for a visit, he needs reassurance that I don't hate him now. When were at the hospital last time, I didn't go into the pre-op with him because I assumed he wanted his privacy. This led to an argument where he said I had let him down and that he had unmatched me on Tinder. I apologised and explained my side of the situation better, but that night I thought we were over. The next day when I visited him in the hospital and picked him up to take him home he kept telling me how much he loved me. So yeah, I have noticed things can go from 0 to 100 very fast
>> **Commenter 2:** Disengage, and do it NOW. Things may go from 0 to 100, but it could progress to going from 0 to 1000. Likewise, from 1000 to zero, in literally the blink of an eye. Empathy for someone with a serious mental illness is admirable, but for someone who is not seeking active treatment for their BPD, becoming their support system will likely end badly for you and be ultimately unhelpful for them. You can't just be a normal supportive friend to someone with BPD. Spend some time in the BPD sub and educate yourself on BPD before you decide whether you have the capacity and/or bandwidth to be in each others' lives. You need to learn more about how people with BPD experience emotions and understand the world and the people they are interact with. ETA: I really don't want to sound unsympathetic to those with BPD, and empathy and acceptance of mental illness is very in vogue these days which is a good thing. However, BPD is a major personality disorder and by providing support and possibly enabling behavior, by interfacing with this person's mental illness without education or experience, it may be ultimately harmful for your friend.
**Commenter 4:** Three month in is much to early to provide this kind of help. If you give him money you are funding his addiction. Never lend money that you aren't comfortable of loosing. He can cut contact tomorrow and latch onto the next willing person. The friendship is one sided, he is using you. Three month in is a good time to evaluate if you are compatible.
> **OOP:** He has paid me back before. At one point he owed me $160 and he paid as soon as he could. Although this sudden follow-up hospital trip taking a massive hit to his finances, and him currently still being off-work on sick leave, I don't expect him to be able to pay me back again for a while. But I'm confident he will pay me back again when he can, though
**Commenter 5:** What on Earth are you doing? You are unemployed and living at home, but you have decided that you want to be a sugar daddy to an unemployed almost 30 year old? In what universe does that make any sense? Your parents are not being helicopter parents when they say no. They are expecting their fully grown son to be an adult. They do not need to give you money to support another failure to launch adult.
> **OOP:** I frame it as "I'm just helping out a friend". I dunno if it's fair to frame my friend as a failure to launch... he lives on his own and normally has his own income (he's off from work while he's recovering from the surgery, though).
>> **Commenter 5:** Fair. I take back the failure to launch, but this is way, way, way too much and too fast. It is not at all healthy to be dependent on someone you met 3 months ago, particularly when that person is 21 and living at home with his parents. Real relationships take time. This instant enmeshment should concern you.
**Commenter 6:** You are a virtual stranger and he’s got you traveling across the country, pushing him around in a wheel chair, asking for $, and pressuring you to date. Do you understand how batshit crazy that sounds? You need to put some distance between you and let his other friends/family help him. It’s insane that he would go for, and his doctors would allow, such an extensive surgery without him having a support network. You are 21 years old and this person is completely taking advantage of you. He has drained his finances, can’t work and has no plan to care for himself. You are not his friend, you are his nurse. I’ve had friends I’ve known for 20 years that I’d have difficulty asking this kind of help from. 3 months of friendship maybe entitles you to share my French fries if you ask nicely.
> **OOP:** I do think you're right, but he does have a job. He's currently off-work on sick leave while he's recovering from surgery. I just don't know if I've been really bad with the timing of when I've met him, and I've had to do a lot more than what I would normally do for a friend because of it. He doesn't speak to his family (they're no-contact with him because he is trans) and most of his other friends are pretty busy, so if I weren't in the picture I'm really not sure what he would do.
 
[*UPDATE: I (21M) have known my friend (28M) for 3 months, but I'm already his main source of support and he's waiting for us to date - how do I set boundaries?**](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1vlov4a/update\_i\_21m\_have\_known\_my\_friend\_28m\_for\_3/) - August 11, 2026
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1vizj3x/i_21m_have_known_my_friend_28m_for_3_months_but/
Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I wasn't expecting quite so many people to tell me that I had effectively become this guy's carer after only three months, but reading the comments did make me realise that I needed to actually address the situation rather than continuing to tell myself that I was "just helping a friend".
I ended up sitting down and telling him pretty much exactly what I'd been thinking. I told him that I was worried he was becoming too dependent on me, particularly given how quickly we'd gone from meeting to me providing a lot of practical and financial support. I told him that I was uncomfortable with the idea of becoming a necessary part of his life after only three months, and that I thought I needed to take a step back.
I was quite nervous about saying this because I know he has BPD and I was worried he'd interpret it as me abandoning him. He actually took it reasonably well. He said he didn't feel dependent on me, but that I'm basically his only friend locally who can help him with things, and that he appreciated everything I'd done. He also apologised if he'd made me feel that way.
There was then quite a lot of discussion about whether this was really about dependency or whether I was pulling away because of something else. He asked whether my parents had said anything to me, because they'd previously expressed concerns about how invested I'd become. I told him that this had been on my mind independently and that my parents hadn't told me to do anything.
The conversation then shifted more explicitly towards the romantic side of things. He told me that he'd thought we were getting closer and that he genuinely enjoys spending time with me. He also pointed out that we'd cuddled, had conversations that you'd normally have with someone you were considering dating and so on. He felt that I'd given him the impression that we were moving towards a relationship.
The complicated part is that I do have feelings for him. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, and I care about him. But when I actually ask myself whether I know that I want a relationship with him, my honest answer is "I don't know".
He has been much more certain about his feelings towards me than I have been about mine. He has talked about things like promise rings and has said that he was essentially waiting for me to decide that we're a couple. I, meanwhile, have been thinking that three months is a very short amount of time and that I don't want to make a major romantic commitment while I'm still unsure.
I told him that I didn't want either of us to rush into a relationship that we might both regret. I also explained that I hadn't deliberately kept this from him. It genuinely took me until the last few days to work out what I actually wanted to say. I wasn't sitting there knowing the answer and deliberately stringing him along.
He said that he would have preferred me to simply tell him that I wasn't into him or didn't think we were compatible. That's where things got a bit complicated, because I don't think "I'm not into you" is actually true. I am into him to some degree. I just don't have the same certainty that he has, and I don't think it's fair to start a relationship when one person is considerably more invested than the other.
He pointed out that my Tinder bio says I'm looking for a long-term relationship, and argued that if I'm into someone I should at least have some idea whether I could see myself being with them long-term. I don't entirely agree with that. My Tinder bio means that I'm looking for a serious relationship if I meet someone I genuinely want that relationship with. It doesn't mean that every person I meet is automatically someone I want to date, or that I'm required to know after three months whether they're someone I could spend the rest of my life with.
At one point he said that he thinks he's "the problem" because he's been rejected romantically throughout his life and his previous relationships were toxic. I don't think that's a fair conclusion to draw from this situation. I've tried to tell him that I don't want him to interpret this as some kind of verdict on his ability to have relationships.
Eventually he said that he thought we should "call it quits" because he'd been in situations before where someone said they had feelings for him but was simultaneously unsure about wanting a relationship, and he didn't want to put himself through that again. I told him that I didn't see why we couldn't remain friends.
He said he was happy to remain my friend, but that things would probably be awkward for a while. In particular, he said he couldn't really come over to my house anymore because it would feel awkward, which he said was a shame because he loves my dogs. I told him that nobody had said he couldn't come over. His response was basically that it wasn't that he couldn't come over, but that he couldn't come over by himself because it would now feel awkward.
At this point, I think we've reached a bit of an impasse. I want to remain friends. He says he does too, but he also seems to think that continuing to spend lots of time together while he has stronger romantic feelings than I do would be painful for him. I think I have to respect that.
So, at the moment, I'm essentially giving him the space I've been saying I need. He's travelled to the hospital (by himself) and it turns out he doesn't have a haematoma. The lump he felt was actually a standard part of the post-op process and the swelling is normal. Which I'm glad to hear about. The wheelchair is still with him for now, and I'll collect it when he's back. He's also said he'll pay me back the money he owes me when he gets paid.
I don't know what happens with the friendship from here. I genuinely hope we can remain friends once things aren't so emotionally charged, but I also understand if he needs some distance first.
TL;DR: I think things have ended about as well as they could have.
 
**Relevant comments:**
**Commenter 1:** You really, really, really shouldn't be trying so hard to stay tied to this guy.
**Commenter 2:** Your friend is right that he's the problem (even if he wasn't being genuine and introspective when he said it). Not because he's a bad person or because he has BPD, but because based on both your posts he is so very clearly not in a position to be in a healthy relationship. He's the definition of someone who needs to find happiness and stability in themselves first but instead he's trying to fill that hole with another person. Which never works.
**Commenter 3:** He finds himself in these kinds of situations because he insists on forcing the issue. He's doing you a favour, keep away from this "friendship" and the ensuing drama. It can also be viewed as a manipulative move to pursue you into a relationship you don't actually want. BPD is not justification for toxic behaviour. Some people are just not worth the effort.
**Commenter 4:** OP - you want him to stay a friend, but he wants something romantic. Your goals aren’t compatible. What you want from each other isn’t compatible.
Saying you have feelings for him, but won’t give him a romantic chance, is another way to lead him on. Keeping him around as “a friend” would be selfish, knowing he cares for you in a way you can’t, or won’t, return.
From what I picked up in your exchange, you were also trying to manage his perspective, responses, and emotions during the conversation. You rejected him - you don’t get to tell him how he processes that rejection. You told him you liked him, but refused to date him, and couldn’t tell him why. That’s confusing. That’s hard to hear.
While I think your intentions weren’t cruel, the effect still was. You flirted with him, returned physical affection and emotional intimacy, and then refused to formalize or define what I’m guessing was already happening. You called it “friendship,” but since he felt differently, and you admitted to your own feelings for him, it was never really friendship. The boundaries were always blurred. If you were swiping for other guys while curled up on his arms (metaphorically or not), that was very much AH behavior.
Let him go. You both need the same space. You could maybe explore what about the dynamic never felt real or worth pursuing, when your own heart was in it. He needs to heal and move on, and find someone who chooses him back, and chooses him first.
 
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