u/gardengeo

Originally posted by user FelliniFreak in r/ travel

Original: Jan 5, 2026

Update (in post itself)

Status: concluded

Note: OOP used chatGPT " to help with the English" to write the post

Mood: slice of life

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Original: Someone stayed at a Marriott in Boston under my name while I was in Brazil. Hotel says it was “me.”

A few days ago, a completed hotel stay suddenly showed up in my Expedia account under my full name. The reservation was for Residence Inn by Marriott Boston Burlington, dates Dec 30–31, 2025.

Problem:
I didn’t make the reservation.
I wasn’t in Boston.
I wasn’t even in the US.
I was in Brazil.

I contacted Expedia immediately. After checking with the hotel, Expedia told me the following, based on what the front desk confirmed:

• The guest checked in and checked out normally
• The reservation was completed
• The guest used my name
• The guest presented valid ID
• The hotel stated no one could have checked in without valid identification

Expedia also said the payment was made with a Mastercard ending in 1125. That card is not mine. I checked with family. No one booked anything for me.

So according to the hotel, someone showed up, presented an ID that apparently matched my name, stayed the night, and left. And the system now treats that person as me.

I asked how that’s possible, since I was in another country. Expedia told me to contact the hotel directly and speak with the front desk.

At this point, I’m not even focused on the money. I want to understand:

How does a hotel confirm identity at check-in?
What kind of ID would allow this?
Is this a case of identity theft, or just shockingly weak verification?
Has anyone seen something like this happen before?

I’m documenting everything and escalating with Marriott, but I’d love to hear if anyone here has dealt with something similar or knows how this usually plays out.

Because right now, the official version of events is that I magically teleported to Boston for one night and forgot about it.

And yeah… I promise I would’ve noticed.

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Comments:

Comment1: How unique is your name?

>OOP: Definitely not a unique Portuguese name, someone could definitely have the same name as me, which is totally fine... my only concern is how is this showing up on my Expedia account. Human error? Or someone is having access to my account? My main concern is basically privacy and/if someone is using my personal ID.

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Comment2: Customer support failure is very possible. With how clunky and slapped together a lot of the systems are, things fall between the cracks, and so humans have quite a bit of leeway to fix those problems.

Hotels don’t have any way to confirm your passport as an ID — they just check your name (and are likely trained to also check your birthday, but people get sloppy).

Social engineering attacks often abuse stuff like this — it’s not hard to convince a company that I’m you, if I know even very basic public info about you. Think about how many services still use “birthday and place of birth” as a security question, despite many people openly posting that exact info.

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Comment3: I stayed in a Marriott in December and at checkin they said there was some other guy’s name attached to my Marriott rewards account. He wasn’t a scammer. He was in Spain. I was not.
They were having some issues with their rewards system that was cross referencing people incorrectly within their rewards system.

>OOP: Oh, good to know! I think marriot recently made some change to their rewards program. Maybe they are having some issues?

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Comment4: Without doxxing yourself, how unique is your name? Is it possible some sort of Expedia mixup of your account with someone else with an identical name? If they used their own credit card I doubt it was some sort of attempted identity theft situation.

I’m guessing it’s some sort of account mixup error. That’s bad enough, but the problem is probably with Expedia and not someone trying to commit fraud on your name. Expedia is trying to push the blame on the hotel, but I’m guessing it’s their database issue. I had a somewhat similar situation with a rental car company blending my account with another customer’s.

>OOP: Yeah, totally, I changed my passwords and add the two factor authentication.
I also got really confused that they used their own CC. It does seems like some sort of human error, which it is still bad... at least I think so lol

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Comment5: Document forgery, or perhaps you lost your identity document and someone has impersonated you. The latter—if that’s the case—it’s better to report it to the police just in case. A Spaniard was placed on a wanted list in Italy after losing his personal document because a criminal committed fraud using his identity card.

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Comment6: I had something similar happen, also through expedia and oddly also a Boston hotel. I never got an answer as to how it happened and ended up having to dispute the payment through my credit card company.

>OOP: Interesting. Oddly enough as I said, they used a card that is not mine. I can't see the full number, just the last digits and it's not mine. I saw with my fiancé and even with my mom, and they don't have Mastercards, so this is just very odd.

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Comment7: Is it possible you stayed with a friend at one point and they paid but it was booked under your account?
With Hilton, somehow they linked a friends account with mine because we did that. I only knew because I once got an email at a place I knew they were staying which I thought was odd.
The second time, they got locked out of their room because it put me as the primary guest. Even though I was halfway across the country, yet somehow he was able to check in the first time.

>OOP: This have crossed my mind, but I can't even find a single friend who was in Boston during this date. It's just weird.

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Comment8: Isn’t it possible that someone with the same name checked in and the desk clerk just wrongly tied your point account to the reservation?
How were you harmed by this?

>OOP: So far I wasn't harmed by this.... but having someone else's reservation showing up on my account just raises questions if this is some sort of identity theft of if it was human error. Trying to get to bottom of this lol

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Update

Just an update in case anyone is curious. It was someone with the same first and last name, but wasn't me. Marriot accidentally linked their reservation to my Expedia. So, just a human error.... but it was creepy when I had no idea what was going on.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user dvthrjtjbrbtht in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Feb 8, 2022

Updates (in post itself)

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA I fed my son curry rice

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have a 3 year old son.

Yesterday, my wife had to go to meet her mom immediately because her mom had fallen from the stairs and was admitted in the ER.

My wife called a babysitter but our usual babysitter was busy so she couldn't come. I told my wife I had a day off from work and I'd take a sick leave as well so I didn't have a problem taking care of our son but my wife said that I wouldn't possibly be able to take care of my son all by myself.

She has a history of not trusting me with our son ever since he was born. She thinks I can't possibly take care of a child on my own because I'm a man. Her father didn't know to take care of her and her siblings so she thinks even I'll not be able to take care of our son properly. That's why she even became a SAHM after our son was born.

So she prepared some food for our son and told me to not feed him anything else apart from what she had prepared because she doesn't trust me not to burn down the kitchen. I'm actually a very good cook so I was pretty offended but agreed to do what she said because she was already stressed.

At around lunchtime, when I tried feeding my son the porridge, he spat it out and wasn't eating it. So I tasted the porridge myself and found that it had too much salt in it.

My wife hadn't prepared anything else apart from porridge so I fed him the curry rice I had prepared for myself. I mashed the rice well and added just the curry without any beans to prevent choking. He ate it without complaint. For dinner I fed him rice with curd.

When my wife called me this morning, she asked me if everything was fine. I told her that the porridge she prepared had too much salt in it so I fed our son curry rice and curd rice. She blew up saying that I must've lost my mind to have fed our son despite her repeatedly telling me not to cook for him.

I got mad at her and asked her what I was supposed to do if our soon didn't want to eat the porridge. I couldn't have let him starve all day obviously so I fed him what was there at home. She said that I'm very irresponsible and that she should've just taken our son with her to meet her mom. She cut the call abruptly on my face and had been ignoring me since then.

She texted me a while ago saying that her friend would come to take our son and that her friend would be babysitting our son until she comes home. I told her immediately that she's delusional if she thinks I will let a stranger take my son. She said I'm being a jerk to her when she's already stressed about her mom.

AITA?

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA, Does your son eat other things besides Porridge? 3 years old seems old to not be eating a variety of foods.

>OOP: Yes, my wife feeds him veggies as well. She usually mashes them up though.... That's why I mashed the rice so it wouldn't be too difficult for him to swallow

Comment2: Does your child have a medical condition? It sounds like she's super controlling about the food and mashing up rice and veggies at age 3... Seems odd unless there is a medical/sensory issue.

>OOP: She doesn't let me go to doctor appointments so I'm not sure if it's due to a medical issue but she's always feeding him soft foods
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Comment3: The [bleep]? And you just go along with this why?
Imagine the genders were reversed. Would it be okay to be this controlling? No? Then it's not okay this way either. You need to stand up for yourself.
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OOP: The last time I tried to go against her, she changed the pediatrician and has yet to disclose the name of the new pediatric. She also has locked up all of our son's medical reports

Comment4: Jesus. What happens if heaven forbid you need to take him to the emergency room? You have no idea about his medical history.
I'm sorry to say it, but you wife is putting your son in danger by shutting you out of his care. I would get a lawyer, and not leave your son alone with your wife.

>OOP: When I try and force my way into activities with our son, she takes him and goes to her mom's place. She doesn't return until I apologize and agree to listen to her

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

OOP: My son is about 3' 3" tall and roughly around 13 kgs in weight. My wife usually does everything for him like dressing etc. However, yesterday, he buttoned up his shirt himself without needing me to do I think it's just my wife babying him.
He also doesn't talk much but my wife said that some kids don't start talking a lot until preschool so I didn't push the topic anymore.
My wife gives him some pills everyday. The bottles are however unnamed so I have no way to know what they actually are. She told me they're just nutrition supplements because he's a little underweight.
He tries to eat by himself if given a spoon but my wife usually is too impatient to let him eat at his own pace so she feeds him herself.

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OOP: Yes, I am Indian but I'm living in Toronto....

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OOP: It's actually one of those burglar proof metal safes in which we keep money and expensive jewellery and important documents. It has a number lock on it

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Comment5: As a Canadian father, you have a lot of rights, among which is access to your child’s medical info. If this continues and you’re continually denied access to your child/his information, you need to get CPS involved and potentially lawyers. This is a mess waiting to happen, but just know that you have rights!
Also, if your child has ever been to Sick Kids or any hospital, you can access those records as a parent and they could have paediatrician info within them, just as an FYI. SickKids has MyChart which is available online to sign up for this.

Comment6: After reading all your comments… is there a chance that your son isn’t yours? Why is she going to such great lengths to prevent you from knowing your son’s medical history? Why is she trying so hard to prevent you from having a relationship with him? Break open her wardrobe locker and get his medical records.
She has no right to keep them from you. She’s going to be pissed off but you should have been too, the second she shut you out of your kid’s care. Do not allow this to continue.

Comment7: A google search says babies can start eating rice from six months onwards and to introduce spices from 6 months. Tumeric seems safe from 9 months.
The only thing to be cautious about is chilli and hot type spices as they can cause tummy upsets. But your child is 3 years old. Something isn’t right here. You say he is only eating soft foods - by this age he should be eating a variety of solids.
Either your kid has a medical issue that your wife isn’t disclosing to you, or your wife has some serious control or other issues.
NTA

Comment8: NTA this is extremely concerning. A 3 year old should be whole ass learning to use utensils by this point, not being spoon fed only mashed foods. Your wife is going to developmentally stunt your son.
I have two three year olds and they entirely feed themselves (mostly) uncut foods. There are of course some exceptions, like sandwiches, hot dogs, and small round food like grapes, but a 3 year old is at extremely low risk for choking on a bean. This is something you need to see a pediatrician about, WITH your wife, before she causes your son permament issues. This post is extremely concerning for so many reasons.

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Update (next day)

As some commenters suggested, I called home a locksmith. He managed to open it and I found the documents.

One of the documents was the birth certificate and it has my name on it. I also found the medical records. He has anemia and also has had an epileptic fit before.

I also found the pediatrician's details along with the medical reports and prescriptions.

But the thing is...... The seizure has never actually happened. Because my son never had a hospital visit that was for so long. I would know if he was hospitalized because then he'd have had to stay at the hospital for at least 2 days.

Also, such a hospitalization would also cost quite a bit so if my wife used our joint account to pay for it, I'd have gotten to know. Which means she probably has another account with enough money to cover our son's expenses that I do not know of.

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Comments:

Comment1: That’s fucking weird, dude. I think you need a lawyer.

>OOP: Yes, I currently do not have a lawyer so I'll have to look up some good lawyers as soon as possible.

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Update 2

I just came back from the pediatrician. I had to show a number of id proofs along with the birth certificate because theydidn't believe I was the father since I'd never been to the pediatrician. I had taken the unmarked pills with me and asked the doc what those were.

He said those are seizure medications and that my son had been prescribed those meds by the previous pediatrician but the new pediatrician(the one I went to today) had asked my wife to discontinue the meds. My wife has been giving my son the meds even after the doc had asked her to stop doing so.

I'm thinking what to do next right now. I hid the prescription because I don't want my wife to be buying anymore pills and I handed over the remaining pills to the doctor.

I also did clarify the mashed foods diet of my son with him as well and told him that I and my wife had been giving our son only mashed foods. The doctor said our son's teeth are quite healthy than he would have expected them to be from eating just soft foods. He said to start transitioning into hard foods gradually.

For now, he asked me to give my son something to chew on even if it is just semi hard, for example cooked veggies cut up into small pieces so my soon can still chew but it won't be too hard for him all of a sudden as well.

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Comments:

Comment1: Uff. Best of luck. Do you have family in Canada besides wife? Any support network? Wishing the best for you and your son.

>OOP: No one apart from my wife's mom. Her father disappeared when she was a teen.
My parents live in India. I've not visited them for almost 3 years due to covid. In India, the lockdown is going on and off so I didn't want to be stuck there after going to visit my parents.

Additional details:

OOP: I do not want to contact CPS before contacting a lawyer because I need to know what exactly CPS will be doing in this situation and be prepared for that.

>Comment2: CPS will most likely interview yourself and your wife and your son. They do not just take kids away, they will offer opportunities for education especially given your wife's medical neglect. Depending on how deep it goes they may recommend you get custody of your son.
I highly recommend you call both and you leave your wife now.
Edit: As well, you should get a head start on reporting it. Your pediatrician is a mandated reporter and this is classified as medical neglect, they have most likely already called as they legally have to.
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OOP: Ohh ok. I actually thought CPS will just take away my soon and I'll not be able to see him again until the custody gets decided etc.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user liteliya2

Original: Aug 1, 2025

Update: Aug 8, 2025

Status: concluded

Note: OOP posted in r/ amithekameena sub (the AITA sub equivalent in India Reddit space).
So YTA is YTK and so on.
OOP used initials; replaced with names for easier read.

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Original: WIBTK (Would I Be The Kameeni) if I don’t invite one of my best friends to my bachelorette night because of her controlling husband?

I (28F) am getting married soon and planning a night out with my 4 closest friends my chosen bridesquad since college. Think dancing, drinks, and one last wild night before shaadi* season swallows me whole.
[* translation -- wedding]

Here’s the issue: one of these friends, let’s call her Maya, got married a year ago and ever since then has basically disappeared from our lives. Her husband is extremely controlling . she doesn’t drink (which is totally fine), but beyond that, he doesn’t “allow” her to go out at night at all. As in, she once skipped a 7 PM dinner because he said no.

The rest of us (including another married friend) are very independent and wouldn’t tolerate that kind of control, so it’s been frustrating to watch her fade into this new version of herself. She hardly meets us anymore, and whenever we plan something, there’s always a “let me ask him” vibe.

Now for the bachelorette ,I really wanted all my girls there. It would’ve meant something to me. We planned a club night (which I want), and Maya immediately said she can’t come because her husband wouldn’t approve. Fine . disappointing, but okay.

But THEN she suggested we scrap the whole plan and just do a brunch instead, so it’s “easier” for her. I’m sorry, but I’m not rearranging my bachelorette to suit the comfort zone of a man I don’t even like. We wouldn’t force her to drink or dance or do anything she’s uncomfortable with .we just wanted her there. But if she can’t come, that’s on her, right?

So WIBTK if I just don’t invite her at all at this point?

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Comments:

Comment1: Nope. Why dont u have a brunch as a bridal shower and the club scene as your bachelorette though ? Just tell Maya ud like her to come but if she cant then too bad.

>OOP: Yeah I thought of doing something like that, but the issue is Maya doesn’t want to be left out. She feels that it’s unfair of us to have a party without her since we’re best friends

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Comment2: I'm sorry to say this but she sounds nothing like a friend & completely like an daily soap nanand* 😭 You guys must really love her to continue to hold on to her, bcs most people would drop such a person like hot plate.
[* refers to evil sister-in-law trope in telenovelas -- typically jealous, spoiled and cooking up schemes]

>OOP: Ik, she wasn’t like this before. We’ve been best friends for over 15 years so I don’t want to drop her but she’s changed a lot since marriage

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Comment3: Most people don't opt for divorce in India and most men who are controlling like that will never change. So she's probably made her peace with that life.

I was once controlled like that to an extreme level by an ex during college, and I struggled to leave due to emotional manipulation and also due to the fact that he would chase me around until I agreed to patch up again.

I was also having vitamin deficiencies at that time and would constantly fall asleep during class. My classmates/"friends" (more like acquaintances though) all dropped me since they got fed up of my lack of presence. I didn't hold it against them either, I understood.

Since you have a 15 year friendship, I understand not wanting to drop her, but it would be best for her to get some similar conservative bahu* type friends of her age, who she can socialize with during the day time and bitch about their in-laws together.
[* refers to the trope of doormat daughter-in-law in telenovelas]

Being friends with you 4 with just make her more resentful that she doesn't have similar freedom and that negativity will seep into your lives as well whenever you make plans.

You can have the brunch for now along with the club night, and just make it simple and clear that you won't cancel it for her. Don't give in to arguements and negotiations. But in future, it would be better if you guys met and don't inform her at all, unless the timings will be possible for her. That kind of negativity can be draining.

>OOP: That’s the issue though, she’s also upset that we meet and go out without her in general. We used invite her most of the time but it’s always impossible for her. She’s only available between 3-6 pm on the days when she is available and that timing does not work for the rest of us, we have jobs
I don’t understand her logic that we should all meet or else not meet at all

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Comment4: OP & friends are past the age to need parental permission for small plans. That is one of the good things about growing up.
It shouldn't be OP's responsibility that instead of adulting, her friend just found a new weird daddy. The problem is the friend trying to make it everyone else's problem. She needs to grow up & either show up or opt out.

>OOP: Can’t call him a new sugar daddy when he doesn’t even let her spend any money. Guy is the biggest miser I know

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Comment5: Invite her, if she chooses not to come it's her choice. Atleast you wouldn't have any regrets of deliberately excluding her.
I do feel sorry for her though, she reminds me of my father's friend who basically did this and after she had a kid made her quit her job forced her to become a housewife. She has basically no support system now, losing all her friends and him barring her from meeting her parents. YWNBTK either way, it's your friend's call to blame you or her husband.

>OOP: She’s def gonna blame me cuz her husband can never be wrong 😑 but can’t help it now

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Update 0.5

Edit - thank you for all your comments, some of your supportive comments really helped deal with my anxiety.

A lot of people are suggesting doing both a club night and a brunch so Maya can be included. Just to clarify, I have no issue doing brunch with her. I’m open to seeing her separately anytime, and I’ve tried to keep including her ever since she got married.

But the problem isn’t that I’m refusing to include her .it’s that she didn’t suggest doing both. She’s very clearly asking us to cancel the night out altogether and only do a brunch, because her husband and in-laws don’t approve of her going out at night.

That’s what I’m frustrated about. This is my bachelorette, and I don’t want to reshape the whole thing around someone else’s restrictions.

And just for context ever since she got married, Maya hasn’t been trying to accommodate us at all. She doesn’t work and is generally free during the day, but I work long hours and finish after 8. Still, whenever we try to plan something, she always insists on meeting on a weekday before 6, and then complains that we don’t make time for her.

If we suggest dinner, she usually cancels. She doesn’t join weekend brunches because her husband is home, and he doesn’t let her do dinners unless he’s invited too.

The last two times I met her, I had to leave work early and plan everything around her. And even after all of that, she’s not willing to be flexible for my bachelorette. That’s where the frustration is coming from.

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Update (week later)

Hi again, and thank you so much for all the thoughtful comments on my original post. I wanted to share a final update now that things have played out more.

After I told Maya about the bachelorette plans, she completely ghosted me. No replies to messages, no calls, nothing. I let it go, but one of my bridesmaids, Nina, ended up calling her to ask if she was coming or not because we needed to finalize bookings.

That’s when Maya said she felt we were being unreasonable. She told Nina that her husband strongly feels we should just do a brunch instead of a night out, and that hanging out until 6 PM is more than enough. She said we weren’t being understanding about her situation with her in-laws and that we should change the plan to accommodate that.

Now here’s the important part. Nina told her that we can definitely do a brunch too, and I’d be more than happy to. No one is excluding her. But she also said it would be really nice if Maya could make it for the club night too, since it’s my bachelorette and that’s the plan I’ve chosen.

That’s when Maya started crying and said we were being unfair. She told Nina that we weren’t understanding her situation, and that she doesn’t want us to have a night celebration at all. She said if she can’t be part of the night, then we shouldn’t have it. And then she said the only way she might be able to come to the club night is if her husband is invited too. Yes, she actually said that. To my bachelorette. On a girls’ night. At a club.

At this point I honestly don’t know what to say anymore.

I’ve tried so hard to include her in everything. A few weeks ago I reached out to her to get her opinion on wedding dresses and planning details. She didn’t even make the time to meet me or check in. She’s been distant for months and I’ve been the one trying to keep her involved. But now it feels like she’s not just stepping back from the friendship, she’s trying to control what I do as well.

I am sad and disappointed. I miss the friend she used to be. But I’m also tired. There’s a lot going on in my life right now, and I don’t have the energy to keep making space for someone who doesn’t show up for me and expects everyone else to revolve around her husband’s preferences.

So I’ve decided I’m not reaching out to her again. Once we finalize the club night, I’ll send her the invite out of courtesy. If she wants to come, great. If not, that’s fine too. But I’m done bending, done chasing, and done feeling guilty for wanting a celebration that’s actually about me.

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Comments:

Comment1: Some relations come with an expiry date.
Your relationship with her is one of them.
It was good till it lasted but it's time to bid goodbye..
Don't even rethink..
It's your wedding and the events around..
Please do it your way...
Congratulations on your wedding.

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Comment2: Why can't her husband be accommodating. Why is she asking three women completely unrelated to him to agree to his commands. And be allowed to the bachelorette party. Why does he want to ruin a girls night. The audacity some men have.
Your friend really needs to stand up to her husband. Imagine not letting your wife spend time with her own friends. Things will only be worse, if she let him treat her like that.

>OOP: Ikr. I honestly hate that guy and she doesn’t stand up to him at all. Instead will keep fighting with us for him so there’s no point anymore. For her, whatever he says now is like the ultimate truth, it’s actually sickening.
She even said not too long ago she cannot “disobey” her husband for religious reasons. She was never even religious before marriage. Since then i try not to give her any advice because it’ll always be some weird shit like this

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Comment3: Maybe send the invite and try explain your POV (in writing) for deciding to go ahead with the club night. Sometimes expressing oneself with written words helps land the message better. Worst case, Atleast you will get your closure that you tried your best. Good luck 😄

>OOP: Already dropped her a long text in writing, how it’s important to me and this is possibly the last time we all get to hang out like this (other friend is moving to US early next year), I’m also moving away after my wedding so this could really be the last time all of us get to hang out together in the same city (because her husband is def never going to allow her to travel outside town to meet any of us, I didn’t mention this part in the text but this is reality).
I wrote a really heartfelt msg, we were also willing to do it on a date that works best for her.
And she just ghosted me. Hasn’t called till date so f this. I’m done with her

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Comment4: Just because your friend can’t take a stand for herself and lets herself be controlled by her husband (in a way it’s not her fault too, but that’s another topic) you don’t need to cancel your plans especially when you have agreed for the brunch. She can stop being an ass and making it about herself by asking you to either cancel your night plan or invite her asshole of a husband too.

Edit: I re read the entire thing again and I realised she is being emotionally abused and controlled by her husband AND in laws. Feel bad for her but she needs to fight her way out of this relationship but I think she doesn’t realise it yet. It’s a tricky situation given she is close with you, but you’re NTK, you’re allowed to have your fun for YOUR bachelorette.

>OOP: How is it not her fault though? Nobody forced her to marry the guy. She married him and got herself into this situation KNOWING very well how he is and how his family is
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Comment4: Ok if she knew all this and still married him then she is just dumb. What’s the point of education when you will only let go of your free will and independence. She should grow a spine and divorce his ass.
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OOP: She doesn’t have a spine to stand up to him, what will she divorce lol. She’s going to put up with it her entire life and also subject future kids to it

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Comment5: Dont send her an invite to the bachelorette at the club . She will bring her husband who will use this as an occasion to flirt with the ladies and be a nuisance and completely ruin the vibe. If you send her the invite, she is bound to think that you have agreed to her request to bring her husband along.

>OOP: Nope Nina specifically told her that our partners will be uncomfortable if her husband shows up at our girl’s night, told her in a language she’ll understand 😂🤣

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user firiedad in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Dec 30, 2019

Update: April 27, 2020

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for missing the birth of my first child so a mate could spend time with her dying grandfather?

This is a horrible situation and I need to know if my wife is justified. My wife gave birth to our first baby 3 days ago. We've had a rough few years with 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 37 weeks. So my wife was terrified this whole pregnancy.

I am a firefighter and was on duty when my wife went into labour. Her doctor said that it would likely be a while so I decided to stay at the base for a little longer because it is about mayhem and we're never enough people anyway.

Then one of my mates gets a call that her grandfather had a heart attack and will probably not make it. Obviously she was devastated. Things got really hectic we got called out to another fire and our captain said one of us could go but not both. I told my colleague not to worry she should go and spend time with her grandfather since it will be her last chance. So I had to go out and missed the birth of my child. I got there 2 hours after my girl was born.

I felt horrible and apologised profusely to my wife but she just yelled at me, said I let her down in the scariest moment of her life and then told me to leave. So I left and waited in the hallway.

It's been 3 days and she refuses to say anything apart from the bare minimum related to the baby. They can leave tomorrow and she's informed me that she was going to stay with her sister who recently had a baby too until she "knows what to do about our relationship or what's left of it".

I understand that it must have been scary for her but my reasoning is that only one of us could leave and I will have a whole life to be with my child whereas my mate only had a few hours with her loved one left

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO: Who was with your wife? Was she by herself? Did you call someone who was with her to let her know you were at a fire?

>OOP: Her sister was there. Once we got called out there wasn't time to make a call.
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Comment2: Not even a text??
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OOP: We were fighting a bushfire

Comment3: INFO: Are you fighting the wildfires in Australia?

>OOP: Hey mate, yeah I'm Australian. I'm in NSW. My wife used to he a firefighter too that's how we met but she quit after some traumatic events.

Comment4: Info: was there really no way to force your job to let you both leave? Would you have been fired if you both left? I think your a bit of an asshole for not fighting to go but I’m not sure which one of you had more of a right to leave. maybe your job is the asshole idk.

>OOP: It was impossible for both of us to leave. We're fighting bushfires and you need a certain amount of people to operate safely or as safe as possible.

Comment5: Why didn't you try and get someone else to come in or tell your captain you need him to call someone in? What you did was an impossible no winners situation. You did a kind thing for your friend, but your wife is completely justified and I don't even know what you can do to make this right.

>OOP: There was no one else to be called in. Everyone is out trying to get the bushfires under control. I stayed there hoping that by the time we got called out again another crew would be back already so that someone could go with mine but that wasn't the case.

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Comment6: YTA. Your wife had a stillbirth at 37 weeks. Being in labour again would’ve been ten times scarier for her compared to most (and labour is terrifying already, to anyone). You chose your friend over her when she needed you more than she probably ever has.

Comment7: YTA. You needed to prioritize being at the birth for your wife's sake. You could have called someone else in or asked someone to come in and cover. You didn't even try to be there and your wife is reacting to you showing her where you priorities are - not with her.

>Comment8: Why do you think it was the OP's responsibility to call someone else in? My judgement was that the captain was the asshole, b/c they should've called in someone else for coverage. The captain should be looking out for their firefighters.

Comment9: YTA but not for letting the other guy go see his dying family member. But because you knew she was going into labour you decided to stay at work knowing she was alone and scared because of previous experiences.

Comment10: YTA. This is divorce worthy. I hope it's a shit post. I cant think of words or actions that could enable her to trust you again, but if you love her, I suggest you head to counseling and be prepared to spend your immediate future making this up to her

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Note: 2019-2020 Australian bushfire season, also known as the Black Summer, was Australia's worst natural disaster to date. Exceptionally dry conditions, a lack of soil moisture, and early fires in Central Queensland led to a premature start to the bushfire season from June 2019.

It impacted many Australian states including New South Wales (NSW), Victoria, Queensland, the Australian Capital Territory, Western Australia and South Australia. The wildfires burned from June 2019 to March 2020. The Black Summer's damage was unprecedented in terms of total area burned and impact on livestock and wildlife populations.

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Update (4 months later)

Lots of you wanted an update on my last post. It's nothing spectacular so don't get your hopes up too much.

Many of you said how it wasn't about being there for the baby but that I should have been there for my wife. You were absolutely right. I acknowledged my mistakes and apologised to my wife. I suggested we get therapy and she agreed. We're all back home together now and have been for a while. Things are good for us and we're happy with our little family.

For those of you who suspected that I cheated with my work mate, you were wrong. I may have been an arsehole in how I dealt with my wife giving birth but I would never cheat. I love my wife very much and I'm happy she's given me another chance and intend on being the best husband and dad that my family could wish for.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I know that you say that you are not having an affair with your coworker, but is it possible that you have feelings about her that you haven’t acknowledged even to yourself? The fact that you prioritized another woman over your wife makes me think there is something else going on.

>OOP: No absolutely not. She could have been a guy and my decision would have been the same. Now I know it was wrong.

Comment2: I mostly blame the fire chief. Friend probably wasn't thinking straight since this is a loved one dying. The chief knows what's happening to both and should've figured it how to cover the friend while also not letting OP takeover for the friend and be frank with with him that his wife needed him.

>Comment3: I'm an Australian firefighter.
I just read OP's original post and it sounds like he is a paid firefighter. From the fact 'he got a call' suggests to me he wasn't at the bushfires.
As those guys were starting at a FOB and working all day. Not getting a call to attend somewhere for a couple hours.
Our paid fire services are all state wide services. Your station officer is your boss, you dont really know your chief.
You get the call your wife is in labour, you tell your boss you are going, he says no worries. Two of you leave? He takes the truck offline and then he and his boss will arrange to call someone in or get a spare truck from another station to come over for the rest the shift.
Just to add some context.
OP is definitely TA, but sounds like he has at least recognised that and is making amends

Comment4: I remember this, and honestly, I think the AH move was the "first time" you opted not to go to the hospital (before your co-worker even got the call about their grandfather).
I do maintain my position that once you got to the point of having to make the choice between "be there for the birth" or "let co-worker say goodbye to their grandfather" it was a a tremendously shitty situation, where I couldn't blame you either way, and the "asshole" would depend on what happened when the situation cooled.
Being mad (even infuriated) is completely understandable, but this was not a reason to end a marriage.
Glad things worked out, and in the future, take the first opportunity to get out of work so you don't even need to worry about a "tough decision" later on.

Comment5: An apology wouldn't have been enough for me. I would never forgive something like this. I would feel that it says too much about how you feel about me. You are very fortunate she is giving you a second chance. Make the most of it.

Comment6: Wow, your wife is a better person than me.

Comment7: So I’m confused, what was OP supposed to do.
Just quit and walk out? Leave whoever is in the fire to die?
Stop someone from seeing their relative for the last time?
I get the wife is mad, but what is honestly the right choice here?
OP get a lifetime to spend with his daughter and wife. The colleague, not so much.
This overwhelming asshole verdict doesn’t make sense to me.

Comment8: I don't know man, I feel like this is so much less 'black and white' then people are making it out to be. I don't think OP is selfish or an asshole, but was just stuck in a shitty lose-lose situation.
Nobody said he didn't want to be there, he's a firefighter in Australia during a crisis for god's sake and him being there is literally saving lives.
He sacrificed seeing the birth of his own child so another person can be there for their relative in their final moments of life (it's possible the grandparent would've been alone otherwise).
It's a shitty situation and I feel so so terribly bad for the wife, and I'm not saying that what OP did was right, but imo there isn't any good option. But I think people are failing to see this in OP's eyes - although I would've went to see my wife, OP had no bad intentions.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user PsychologicalSwim766 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: May 6, 2026

Update (in post itself)

Status: concluded-ish

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Original: AITA for resenting my parents after my brother graduated?

throwaway account because my main one is public to my family.

For context, I’m the older sister (29F), and I have a younger brother (23M). A few days ago, my brother passed his final engineering exam. I called to congratulate him, told him I was proud of him, and joked that he was in for a rough ride with the job market, but that he would be okay. We're not really that close so it was a short call and not really emotive, but I am proud of him.

Later that day, my mom called me and said she was relieved that both of her children were finally done studying, and that she was proud of everything we had accomplished as college graduates. That hit a nerve.

I reminded her that I didn’t graduate from university like my brother did. I went to a technical school, which is considered different from a university degree in my country. I also have some post-graduate diplomas, but I still don’t really feel accomplished.

I didn’t even go to my graduation ceremony because my father spent years telling me technical degrees were lesser than university degrees, even though he only finished high school and dropped out of college himself.

Both my brother and I have ADHD, like my mom. I struggled badly in high school and had terrible grades, but nobody really helped me study or manage it. My brother, on the other hand, had neurologists, therapy, private tutors, and consistent academic support from childhood through university, all paid for by my parents.

My high school years and early twenties were awful, I struggled with my mental health a lot until I left home at 19 because my relationship with my father was so bad. Mind you, usually here you live with your parents until you graduate university, I lived in an apartment alone because there're no things like student-dorms. After bouncing between a few programs, I eventually studied design at a technical school, graduated at 26, and have been working ever since.

My parents still help me financially because my partner and I don’t earn much, while they are very well-off and offer to do so. Our relationship is better now that I don’t live with them, but I still feel a lot of resentment for how unsupported I was when I needed them most.

When I told my mom this, she said I could still study something else. I told her that wasn’t realistic right now because I’m almost 30, and my partner and I are expecting our first child. She told me I needed to let it go and appreciate what I have now. I got upset and hung up, and I haven’t answered her calls since.

I feel angry, jealous, and guilty. I do appreciate the financial help they give me now, but part of me feels like it came too late. I don’t know if I should apologize and be more thankful, or if I’m justified in feeling hurt by the difference between how my brother was supported and how I was left to handle things on my own. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA. She helps to support you, she encourages you, and she tells you that she's proud of you. And that, of course, results in you being triggered and angry. Make it make sense!

>Comment2: And she obviously considers OPs qualifications as being on par with the siblings as she referred to them both as college graduates, she’s not looking down on OP like some parents would.
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OOP: I think this is what triggered me. I’m so used to them looking down on technical degrees and laughing at me for choosing a technical career that I didn’t know how to handle my mom saying she was proud of me.
She had never said it before, so hearing it for the first time right after my brother graduated felt strange. It made me feel like my achievements were only being acknowledged because they were being grouped together with his, calling us both 'university graduates', not because they had ever truly valued my path on its own.

Comment3: YTA, they still help you financially to this day, you could have taken loans to pay your own way through a college degree like the majority of people do. This just reads like your bitter your brother did something you wanted to do

>OOP: They didn't pay for my degree, since here education is free and I studied at a public school. They paid for my brothers degree because he went to a private university. They started helping me after I graduated, but I worked side jobs ever since moving out of the house

Comment4: Who was paying for that apartment when you moved out at 19?

>OOP: Me, I had some jobs, and it’s not like my parents kicked me out of the house. I chose to leave after a huge argument with my dad, when I dyed my hair blonde and he said I looked like a whre.
After that, my mom helped me with money for groceries now and then but she started giving me the same allowance they give my brother after I got my first formal job as a designer.

Comment5: It's possible there was more resources available when your brother came along so your parents were able to capitalize on the latest techniques. Life is not fair and there's no point wallowing in self pity. Don't be an ah to yourself. And yes you owe your mother an apology.

>OOP: They have always been very well-off, but I think my brother and I had different struggles, and his fit more easily into what our environment culturally expected. So I do think he got help because of that.
He had a lot of angry outbursts, and my mother was often called in because he bullied other classmates. He got help to improve his grades, but never really for his anger management issues. Still, he was popular, played soccer, and was outgoing, so he was seen as “okay.”
On the other hand, I struggled with alcohol abuse from the age of 14, partly because my dad is an alcoholic. I was depressed, and at 16 I was sent to live in a rural area with an aunt after an attempt. I think my struggles fell outside their idea of what a girl was supposed to be like, and they didn’t know how to help me so they just let me alone.
My brother changed after turning 20 and realizing that becoming like our father was not a good choice, but we do have very different views on him and I told him I would help with our mother and even take her in if she gets old and sick, but my father is all his.

Comment6: YTA. Being resentful of the past is unhealthy. You can’t change the past. Your mother is still proud of you, despite the fact you see your education as inferior to your brother’s. Also note that a lot can change in attitudes and circumstance and knowledge between when siblings reach similar milestones.

Comment7: YTA. While your upbringing might not have been similar to your brothers, and probably unfair to you, no parents are perfect.

It sounds like they tried to do the best they could under the circumstances of being first time parents and learned a lot about raising a kid through trial and error... unfortunately on you. Your mom had positive things to say about your career and studies as an adult also, and you went and turned it into a negative thing. They seem to support you quite a bit, even now as an adult also which does in fact speak volumes.

Give them a little grace for things in the past, or at the very least, your mother.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[Some posters guess OOP is in Brazil based on her description of the system]
OOP: Not Brazilian! I know its a hard concept because I think we only do it here :') I have a four-year technical degree from a vocational institute. In my country, it is not the same as a bachelor’s degree from a university. It’s easier to get into and is often looked down on compared to university. But there're some careers you can only study on vocational institutes like illustration or photography.

----------
[Why go into design? Why not go to engineering like her brother?]
OOP:  I could have never done that. I never had the grades or the money to go to a private university for engineering.

My first attempt was when I was 16, and after that my parents sent me to live in a rural area with an aunt, so my overall grades were a mess by the time I graduated high school.

I took responsibility for my mental health once I started working and could pay for therapy myself. That is the only reason I was eventually able to get a degree.

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[relationship with parents?]
OOP: My mother is a very traditional woman. She always took my father’s side because, in her view, he is the husband and the head of the household, and she is the wife.

I do love her, and I have worked on my relationship with her much more than I have with my dad. We talk on the phone every day, I’m always worried about her health, and when she needs me, I take time off work to be there for her.

I never call my dad. I try to be there for him only when the situation is really serious, like when a member of his family passes away.

Trying to let go of child abuse and neglect is hard, but I’ll try harder to work through this anger.

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Update:

After a lot of reflection, I realized that I don’t like hearing my mom say she is proud of me because I’m not proud of myself.

Growing up, my father would laugh at or dismiss my dreams and goals, and my mother would usually take his side when I stood up for myself. He also punished me physically when I had bad grades and she did nothing to stop him. All of that made me internalize the idea that my choices were not enough, and that because I don’t earn as much as they do, I’m not enough either.

My brother and I were held to the same standards of traditional success, but he is the only one who accomplished what my parents wanted from us. My mother jokes that he will support me financially once he starts working, which I always deny and laugh off. I would never accept money from my brother. It’s his money.

For context, I make around 8,000, while the average salary here is about 5,000. My mother makes around 50,000, my father makes around 80,000, and my brother will probably make around 20,000 when he starts working, with the potential to earn more over time. My mom gives me around 1,000 each month so that, between my income and my partner’s, we can reach around 20,000.

I think I have always been in defense mode around them. I’m used to being treated as lesser than my brother, so I don’t take compliments very well. This happens in other areas of my life too. Praise makes me uncomfortable because it feels strange and unfamiliar.

It angers me that my mom says she is proud of me now, after everything I struggled through to get where I am. It feels like breaking a horse’s legs and then congratulating it for finishing the race. But I guess I still did finish the race, so maybe I should be proud of myself and stop being so hard on my reality.

I love my mother very much, and I’m not going to cut her out of my life, especially since she is so excited to be a grandmother. But my partner and I are going to look for second jobs so we can stop accepting her money.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Will you be proud of yourself if you turn down financial assistance while expecting a child?

>OOP: I mean that I’ll be more middle class, which really isn’t that terrible. My family had a lot of money while I was growing up, and it didn’t change the fact that many of my struggles were overlooked and neglected.
I want to feel proud and more independent. I want to feel like I got this far by myself, and that I don’t owe them gratitude for financial help. I want my feelings to be genuine, not conditioned by a financial leash.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user IndigoBlueish in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: March 5, 2024

Updates (in post itself)

Status: OOP deleted account

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Original: AITA for telling a married woman her marriage sounds miserable? (USA)

I (45F) attended a wedding a few weeks ago when a cousin (55F) was talking about how she wishes I would marry.

I’ve heard the struggles of her marriage (she cheated he took her back, they do everything he wants, she’s given up her hobbies and learned to enjoy his, he controls the money, and she works PT and she could never afford to live on her own, etc) and for 20 years I’ve heard how I should get married.

I’ve always said it’s not a priority and if it happens it happens. I’ve repeatedly said throughout the years I enjoy being single, I’ve been proposed to multiple times and I like living life on my terms. I can embrace my hobbies (which are expensive), have a great job, live on my own, have great friends, I travel, and I’ve had great LTRs. My life is full.

I’ve been financially independent since I was 22 (she has never been financially independent). The entire family knows I’m generous with my time and money (whether it’s a gift or helping somebody out financially without expecting repayment - electricity, groceries, school expenses, etc). Marriage has NEVER been a priority to me.

I finally had it with the comments and her not respecting my life.

I finally told her I respect her opinions but I felt like her marriage was that of convenience and sounds absolutely miserable to me. I would die a slow death if I was in a marriage like hers - all of which is true. I like being able to make my own decisions and if the right person comes along it’s fine but that it’s not a goal of mine (never has been). The look of shock on her face said it all.

She didn’t care for that and is painting me out to be mean. After 20 years of comments and pressure I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop. She couldn’t fathom that somebody wouldn’t want to have her life and to me it sounds like a prison sentence. She also can’t fathom somebody could be happy living my life.

So AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Info - can you expand on being proposed to “multiple times,” please? 

>OOP: I was proposed to once in college but wanted to explore life beyond college and once we graduated our lives took different paths (I’ve always loved city life, he realized he hated it). Then I was engaged in my late 20s - we both traveled a lot and he cheated so I ended it. Then late in my 30s my ex proposed and we talked about it but I discovered he had addiction issues when we got into deeper conversations.

Comment2: INFO: Is she the only one making those comments, or is this the case that her comment was the straw that broke the camels back?

>OOP: Even my parents who are really old school accept it because they see I’m happy, healthy, and thriving in life.

Comment3: NTA. There’s an old saying: ‘misery loves company’. My very single daughter keeps being asked when she’s going to ‘settle down’ by relatives in dismal relationships, and she’s 40 this year. Far better to be happily single than browbeaten and financially dependent.

Comment4: NTA. She had it coming, not many people would have had the balls to say the truth like that. Be prepared from some frosty future family events though. I don't think she'll forget/forgive somehow...

Comment5: NTA.
She poked, poked, poked, poked — for years — but when you poke back once, you are the mean one? That's not how it works.
The problem is, people expect more from you because you are obviously the mentally healthy one.

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Comment6: ESH.
I’m sure it was cathartic to finally say something to her after all of those years and it kind of sounds like she deserved it. However. You had 20 years to say something instead of letting it build up until you said some really mean stuff. You could have opened a dialogue with her much earlier and made it a learning moment for her instead of a mortifying one. That’s why everyone sucks in this situation.

>OOP: It was 20 years of her making comments and I’ve told her repeatedly marriage is t for everyone and it’s not a goal of mine at all.
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Comment6: Those are platitudes to get her to stop talking. Did you ever say “please stop saying these things as I find them offensive and I don’t give you pointers on your life.”
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OOP: I told her that the only person who should be concerned with my marital status is me and that my life is my business and many variations of that.
I’ve asked her to stop but she brought it up all the time when I was in a relationship for 10 years and I told her we didn’t want to get married so she needed to stop bringing it up. My partner at the time wasn’t as polite about it to her.
She just doesn’t stop meddling. It got to the point where we declined attending events she was hosting because we didn’t want to be interrogated about our relationship and I even told her that.

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Comment7: ESH
You don't need to get married if you don't want to. Obviously if you're happy then that's all that matters.

You were wrong to tell her to her face that her marriage sounds miserable, and she was wrong for pushing the idea. I wasn't there so I can't tell who was being the more tactless one, but to be fair to you I'll assume she was being very heavy handed.

Marriage is like any other big commitment in life - it can be awful or deeply rewarding depending on the perspective and circumstances. It's not a black and white "amazing" or "terrible" thing. Some people refuse to keep a dog because they don't like the commitments and lack of freedom that come with it - but to me it's worth it because of the happy moments.

More importantly, even if *her* life sucks, it doesn't negate the concept of marriage as a whole. But I think - from the info you gave - it was a bit of a leap to call it "miserable". One partner controlling the finances is pretty common if they happen to be more responsible with money, for example.

If her life was as miserable as you say, and you were as happy as you say, then you wouldn't have felt the need to "bite back" so to speak, because you wouldn't have felt hurt or "triggered" for lack of a better word. Usually happy people are too busy being happy to worry about what others think.

A big life lesson I think, is the understanding that when someone "pities" you, it's not actually triggering or insulting at all unless you happen to also agree with them deep down.

So for example, I can go to a family member and think their life would be better with a dog, but no amount of pity from me is gonna make them budge lol. They're not going to be like "yea well your dog pees in the house so clearly you're just miserable and want me to be miserable too" - instead they would simply say it's not for them.

>OOP: I haven’t said anything for 20 years because I found her commentary tiresome and after 20 minutes or so of it, I find myself looking for an escape. I’ve been super polite about my contentment but she is clearly dense and doesn’t get that.
I bit back because I quite literally am tired of her wasting my time with this nonsense. Past conversations where I’ve told her “I’m happy for you and I’m happy for myself” have gone over her head.
And she always does this with an audience so this time I decided “F*** it, this curtain is coming down on this conversation, roll the credits” and if she goes for an encore I’ll really shut her down. She didn’t like being put in the spot with an audience but hasn’t minded doing it for 20 years at family functions or outtings.

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Update 1:

more on her audacity. She called me an hour ago bitching me out because I offered to give my 2nd car to my brother’s daughter for her 16th birthday since I never drive it (my niece posted on social media thanking me for being so generous).

She wanted to know why I wouldn’t offer it to her kid who is in college and “needs it more” than my niece. I simply told her it’s my decision what I do with my car and that my niece and I are close. She went on for 20 minutes before I bluntly said “it’s my car and my choice of what to do with it. Deal with it.” Then I hung up.

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Update 2 (final)

had a zoom tonight with my family and we read through this. Unbeknownst to me, my parents and her parents have talked to her about this inappropriate behavior for years (going back to my 20s) even saying “we don’t talk about your choices so stop pushing marriage on her.” She’s also made comments to my siblings trying to bring them down as well.

Parents had no idea because we try not to make it a bigger deal. It’s all jealousy. Well my mild-mannered parents are pissed and have stated that next family get together, they are going to ask her how her and her husband got past the cheating and make comments to her about her life choices and bullying.

I think that’s going too far but given that the “adults” spoke to her several times and she keeps doing it, I’ll allow them put her in her place. Petty but now that I know they spoke to her several times the gloves are off. I’m NTA.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user PotentialMammoth673 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: June 6, 2025

Updates (in post itself)

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for saying no no to my friend for the art they gave me

So about 10 months ago, my friend gave me three little artwork pieces that they thought were really ugly and they hated. I absolutely adore them and I think they’re very pretty so I have them in my living room and so I redecorated my living room and rearranged everything so I could have these paintings in a very specific spot.

One day they were over and one of my friends that they have yet to meet until that day was over as well . My other friend who did not give me the artwork looked up the art pieces through Google lens because they also liked them and wanted to get some for themselves.

That friend found out that the artwork that was given to me was worth $1000 per piece . And I said wow, that’s an insane price. So the friend who gave me the art pieces told me that I needed to give them back to him. And he started taking him off the wall and I said absolutely not. You gave those to me.

He started yelling at me because I wouldn’t give them back. Then he said I better pay him $3000 for all of them and I said no because you gifted them to me almost a year ago.

So he told me that he was gonna call the police and he left because me and my other friend kicked him out.

Am I the asshole for keeping them?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA! Where did your friend get them from? Sounds like he wasn’t aware of the value.

>OOP: They were gifted to him the same month he gave them to me.
----------
Comment2: Are them prints or paintings? Because maybe they are not so expensive, it could be just a copy. Google Lens it's not an expert on Art, just finds similar things.
NTA anyways

Comment3: Nta. Your friend is for pricing your paintings tho. That felt somewhat inappropriate imo.

Comment4: NTA he gave you a gift. He relinquished ownership. Also how tacky is that friend to look up how expensive your home decor is. Get better friends.

Comment5: I don't understand HOW they could have even made such evalution unless they are like gallerist or art critiq. The paintings value is where artist's asking price meets what someone is actually willing to pay for them. WHO the artist is makes a huge difference.
The friend would habe known if their paintings would sell for 1k a piece. If he did not see them worthy of that, they most likely are not that, no matter what exampled google might have presented as "similar paintings".
And then the legal part: a gift is always the property of the person was receiving the gift.

Comment6: I know I'm late to the party, but I just had to say this post made me think of Beanie Babies. Just because Google says you can get 5k for that Beanie Baby doesn't mean you'll actually find someone who would pay more than $2 for it.
Good luck selling that artwork for 3k, dude. You'll need it.

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Update 1

so funny thing happened, the other friend who priced them also looked up something they also gave me and realized the price of it. So both of these friends are wanting their stuff back. So today, I am planning on just giving them the art pieces and the other items that both have given me over the past few years.

It’s really disheartening to have to go through this. But dealing with this drama is worse than just redoing my living room and getting rid of the things that they gave me back to them.

The friend who looked up the price of what they gave me and said that they were just lending me the items. Even though I have written proof that they were given to me.

So both friends are going to be acquaintances from now on.

Life‘s weird

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Update 2

so another funny thing happened. Both of them met up to go hang out because they both made me the common enemy. I did give back the other things to the second friend, but I do have the artwork pieces due to me, giving them a couch around the same time that was worth $2000.

The artwork is being appraised currently. One of my siblings, friends girlfriend, appraises artwork. A weird lineup but we’re figuring that out now. She came and grabbed the pieces about 11 AM today.

For some reason, I feel like this art is not going to be worth $3000 in total.

Honestly, life isn’t worth this stress so I’m just gonna take it as a loss and move forward

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Update 3 (final)

they have been appraised!

And this part is actually funny. So the relative of that friend who gave them the art pieces is the one who made them. The relative copied a style from a different artist and recreated the pieces for that friend. The relative signed the back. And when the person who appraise the artwork told me the artist name, I laughed because that’s that friends relative. lol

I let that ex friend know that their relative created the pieces for them. I told him since they were made by his relative, I would happily give them back. After I said that this ex friend said I could just throw them away because he didn’t want them anymore.

Since it had no value money wise to them they did not care.

So technically, I have three art pieces that are priceless ❤️

Anyway, I thank their relative for creating these pieces because without these pieces I would have never known the type of people I was friends with

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Comments:

Comment1: I would have given the art back without telling them the appraisal value. NTA. Lose both these '''friends.'''
Also get your couch back.

>OOP: But I love the art so much. I really didn’t wanna give it back so I had it appraised.

Comment2: In this particular use case, I strongly recommend that you solely trade & collect A.I.-generated art, which doesn't seem like it would compromise your aesthetic sensibilities (living room wall art recreated/copied 'in the style of' other artists 😉

>OOP: Why would I collect AI art when I have art that’s just plagiarized?
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Comment2: No messy friend drama to deal with, and you don't even have to know the artist whose work was stolen! Win-win
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OOP: Also, I liked it before I found out it was basically plagiarized. So why would I get something different?

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user blownupmarriage1 in r/ trueoffmychest

Update 2: Feb 25, 2022

Update 3: April 11, 2022

Status: concluded

Length: Novella!

Note: thanks to u/Feisty_Tonight_8459 and u/turuial for remembering and digging this up from the Reddit archives. The BORU is being done in two parts due to the length. The first part is here.

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Update 2: (3 days after previous update)

I apparently am banned from making new posts on True off my chest, so here is the latest update to anyone who is following me.

I tried updating this on that post but it won’t let me add another edit. So here’s the latest happenings.

Update Recaps: My ex accused me of also being unfaithful because he was and wants a dna test when our son is born. My aunt exposed multiple affairs in my egg donors side of the family and tried to claim its genetic and hereditary. My dad and I’s lawyers encouraged us to meet with my egg donor for evidence and for “closure” and this update deals with the answers we were given about her choices when we did meet.

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I met with my egg donor, dad, and our lawyers last evening. Essentially my egg donor said She knew it was wrong but enjoyed the attention., The sex was great and she enjoyed the thrill of it. She kept sleeping with my dad because she enjoyed their financial stability and carefree life and wanted to stay married. She purposely slept with him after each sexual encounter with my ex to endure if she got pregnant she could pass the child off. She also admitted to enjoying the knowledge that my ex enjoyed sex with her more than me.

She then said that she is moving in with my ex to his new place and that she invited the boys to live with them. The twins have visited once since the affair went public and told her they don’t like my ex and refuse to treat him like he’s their father.

She said eventually they’ll come around once she’s married to my ex and then she’ll have her”family” back. I laughed out loud and told her she was delusional and needed psychiatric help. Then I told her I would be taking out an order of protection against her so she’d have no access to my minor children.

She called me a jealous and ungrateful cow for not appreciating that she didn’t abort me and let me live. She said I should be happy that they didn’t kick me out when I came home knocked up. She even had the nerve to say I should be thankful she kept my husband happy when I couldn’t so he didn’t divorce me and leave me a broken and damaged goods single mother.

She then told my dad she suffered from postpartum depression after my birth and my dad ignored it and her and made her feel alone so she felt justified in hating me and to have affairs. She admitted to having multiple affairs from six months after I was born until New Year’s Eve and said she’d still be doing it if I hadn’t ruined everything. So… my 38F sister and 34 F sister may not be my dad’s either.

My dad is even more heartbroken and angry, but we did have both our lawyer’s present and we got it on record. My dad has already reached out to my siblings, but to nobody’s surprise I guess my 38 F sister already knew it was a possibility because my mom told her about both affairs when the twins were born and she knew they might not be my dad’s and kept it from us.

My dad is devastated by that even more than losing his relationship with my mom. I’m not sure their relationship will ever recover. I genuinely have no clue what is wrong with my 38 F sister. My 34 F sister doesn’t want a paternity test and said our dad will always be her dad. My dad is fine with that.

I sent a message to my ex through my lawyer that I will be filing an order of protection tomorrow so that my kids won’t have to go to my ex’s house if my mother is there. Neither one has even attempted to find new housing either, so I guess she’s planning to move into my ex in law’s house? I really don’t want my kids around that mess. He has yet to respond, but at this point I really don’t care what he wants.

(P.S. my family knows about the social media posts as do the lawyers, but my ex and egg donor have zero chance of a good outcome in the divorce so I’m going to be petty and enjoy their anger about being exposed so I’m leaving it up.

They can stew in their filth and know that not only does our town think they’re terrible, so does the world. And I have permission from my younger sister to share what happened last night. I don’t really care what my 38F sister thinks.)

Tl; dr There were more affairs, my mom blames my dad for her pregnancy experience with me and she hates me because she had post party’s depression during pregnancy and my 38f sister knew about the affairs and never told us. My mom wants to move in with my ex and take the twins with her to start a new family. I’m taking out an order of protection against her so she can’t be around my minor kids.

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Final update (2 months later)

Hello, thank you to everyone who has sent me chats/messages supporting me and asking how I'm doing. I do have an update. 

-- I gave birth to my son in the beginning of April. He is healthy and I had no health complications.

-- At the end of March I was able to get temporary full physical and legal custody of my kids.

-- My 14 year old daughter asked me if I'd be willing to do family therapy with her and her dad. I did not want to do it. I fought it, but eventually I chose to do so for the sake of my daughter and her need to process everything and hopefully move on.

-- I learned a LOT more about the relationship between my ex and my egg donor due to homework the therapist gave us. My ex did reveal more things which I believe to be true:

• My mom had actually tried to seduce him well before we were of age. From my ex's recollection when my egg donor took over the youth group I was 15 and he was a few months from turning 15. The grooming began then. She'd counsel him "privately" because he needed it.
• They kissed at some point when he was still 14 and that was all they did (meaning they'd make out during these sessions) until he turned 18. It was right around the time of the first kiss that my mom convinced him to ask me out and date me so they could keep seeing each other without suspicion. At this revelation, I was both devastated (my entire relationship was built on a lie and my husband never loved me and also a sense of relief knowing that I had absolutely nothing to do with their affair.)
• The reason I believe this is true is that when he asked me out, I had to get permission from my parents to date. At the time the rule was no one could date before age 16. My mom went to bat for me, or so I thought. We started dating right after he turned 15. The timeline adds up.
• EDITED: My dad is currently looking into potential other cases of abuse and manipulation right now with the help of the church officials, nothing has turned up, and truthfully while I hate my egg donor, I find it hard to believe she'd have the stamina to carry on multiple affairs with other boys.
• I think she seduced him knowing I liked him and wanted to feel superiority over me? Looking back all of this makes sense, her treatment of me, and my children in relationship to her other grandkids. I think all of this was a seriously fucked up case of her being narcissistic and punishing me for "ruining her life."
• The did not have full sex until he turned 18 and I guess that was his birthday present from her.

-- My 22F and 20 M children are still not speaking to him which he has come to grips with and understands they'll likely never re-establish contact with him.

-- The twins and I have reconciled fully.

Now for the egg donor:

After the last phone call with my aunt, I cut off contact with her and my grandmother. I was tired of my aunt trying to guilt trip me into talking to my egg donor. My grandma is a whole other problem and is beginning to show signs of dementia and senility. She is still harassing my egg donor and calling her a whore of Babylon, which I'm okay with, but the other stuff she's doing and saying is not something I want to add to my life of stress.

My 34F and 42F sister were the ones who helped me with labor and delivery plan. My ex knew what the plans were but also that I did not want him at the hospital until I had already given birth and was in a better place for him to meet his son. He agreed to this.

The day I went into labor my 34F sister took my 14F and 5F children to her home while my 42F sister was with me in the room. Apparently, my 14F child needed something from the school and reached out to my ex to pick it up as he was still on the official pick up list (he no longer is) and drop it off at my sister's house.

My egg donor was with him when he took the call. He refused to let her come along as I did not want my children around my egg donor. She apparently followed him in her car to the store and then my sister's house and threw a temper tantrum on the front lawn of my sister's house.

My ex "broke up" with her and told her she was too much drama and it just wasn't worth it anymore and she flew into a rage and physically attacked him and started destroying things in my sister's yard. The cops were called my egg donor was arrested for domestic violence. At that point my ex, my sister, and I all took out orders of protection against her due to the instability and the situation.

My ex moved into an apartment close to the HVAC company. My 14 year old daughter has decided not to forgive him and told him that she didn't want to be around him currently, so only the 5 year old visits my ex. He comes to my dad's house and visits her one weeknight and one weekend evening (when I take my other kids and twin brothers out for dinner).

We've established contact through a custody app and we'll be revisiting the custody issue in June. I will be pursuing full legal and physical custody until my ex can prove to me he's done the necessary therapy and treatment he needs. I still hate my ex with everything in my being for what he did to me from the time I was 15 until recently, but I hate my egg donor far more for what she did to us all. I do have some sympathy for him and I truly want him to be okay for the sake of my younger kids. 

----------------------------
EDITED: Yes, he has met his newborn son. He met him the night I gave birth. I also allowed his parents (my in laws) and his brothers to meet him as well. His parents (my in laws) and I are currently setting up plans for the 14 and 5 year old to have time with them as well as times they can come visit my newborn.

My ex is allowed supervised visitation at this point (not a court ordered visitation, but my wishes which he is adhering too as he does his therapy and rehab) and he gets regular time with the 5 year old. He does get access to our newborn at least once a week (if he comes with his parents) if he wishes. He's seen his son at least six times since I gave birth and three in my presence. We're slowly rebuilding civilized communication.

Like I said, I will allow him access to our 5 year old and infant, once he does the necessary work on himself. I need to be trust that he will make good judgment when he's with them and that he won't relapse and try to contact my egg donor again. He has been through trauma of his own that he needs help with and I want him to be able to focus on his own recovery before he tries to focus on being a good dad.

As for the other divorce proceedings he's agreed to a mediated uncontested divorce and I'll be getting half of everything, including the business. I'm choosing to sell my shares to one of my ex's workers who'd like to become a partner. The ex is happy with this and I'll be happy to be completely rid of any ties to my ex.

My dad was able to sell my old house. It didn't even get listed as our realtor knew a family looking and I have begun looking for houses about 45 minutes away from my dad.

As for the egg donor: she has gone into hiding. Once the twins told her unequivocally they'd never live with her and that they wanted nothing to do with her, especially after how she got arrested, she began a whole lot of guilt tripping and blaming them. She is now contesting the divorce from my dad and only speaking to him through her lawyer.

As for my 38F sister, she got a wake up call from this whole thing when my mother called her and berated her for 45 minutes for not bailing her out of jail. Apparently, my 38F sister has been going through fertility issues (like I said I don't talk to her and had no idea) and she's been stressed out and anxious and feeling bad about herself, which is why she let our egg donor manipulate her because she felt good about herself when she was getting all the positive attention.

When she wasn't willing to pay the money to bail her out as she and her partner were saving up for another cycle of IVF, she realized that she was being manipulated and reached out to me. We have begun slowly talking again, but she is on my side regarding this all. She is also talking to my dad again, which for his sake, I'm happy that he is able to reconnect with her.

Having my son (btw, we did the DNA test a few weeks before his birth he is definitely my ex's), has been a pleasure and joy and he and my other kids and my support system of my dad and siblings has gotten me through this and will continue to do so.

I am hopeful that at some point I will be able to deal with my ex without anger and bitterness, seeing as he has trauma from what my egg donor did to him. I'll be okay. Like I said, this will be my last update on this. So thank you for all the kindness, love, and support!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user blownupmarriage1 in r/ trueoffmychest

Original: Feb 16, 2022

Update: Feb 22, 2022

Status: concluded

Length: Novella!

Note: thanks to u/Feisty_Tonight_8459 and u/turuial for remembering and digging this up from the Reddit archives. Due to the length, the BORU is being done in two parts. OOP made several updates but only the main are being included. OOP's account was suspended and some of the posts have been retrieved through Arctic Shift.

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Original: I ruined my mom’s life and reputation

My (40 F) parents, dad (63 M) and mom (60 F), have been married for 43 years. I have six siblings 42 F, 38 F, 34 F, 20 M, 20 M, 18 M.

I have been with my husband (39 M), since we were 15. I got pregnant at 17 and we moved in with my parents. I gave birth to my now 22 year old daughter. We got married at 18 shortly after. My dad’s father passed shortly after our wedding and left his ranch style house to my father. My grandparents built a house next door to my parents when they retired.

My parents decided to let us live in this house & told us this would be my inheritance. My husband and I had no issues with this. We went on to have a 20 M, 14 F, 5 F, and I'm currently 7 months pregnant with my last child, a boy, due in April.

I thought I had a good marriage, we were intimate more than twice a week, we went on date nights, we bought each other gifts, we didn't fight. My entire world was shattered on New Years Eve when I returned early from a girl’s trip I had taken with some friends. I walked into my bedroom to find my mom having sex with my husband. My mother screamed at me to get out of “their” bedroom which really shook me up even more.

Unfortunately, my oldest daughter, was also home in her bedroom across the house getting ready for a party. She ran out and witnessed my all but a bed sheet naked mother run out of our house next door to her house and slam the door. My daughter was devastated and went to my sister’s house.

I asked her not to say anything until I first talked to my husband. I asked him for the truth. He told me that my mom seduced him when we were 18 and living in their house. They’d been having unprotected sex at least once a month for longer than we were married. I ran the math and was horrified, because the timeline meant my twin brothers and youngest brother could be my husband’s.

I immediately called my dad and told him to come to my house without my mom. I made my husband confess and my dad was devastated, he and my mom were high school sweethearts too. Needless to say, we could hear my mother screaming from her house when he confronted her.

I then told my older sister and she and I decided to have her throw a party for the whole extended family and we invited my ex’s family as well. At the party, I had my 22 F daughter take all the kids to our basement and put on a movie, leaving only the adult children and siblings and I told them exactly what they’d been doing.

Most of the family is on my side, except my 3 youngest siblings, 38 F sister, Ex’s entire family. They all say I’m an AH for dropping this publicly. Word got out and my mom’s best friend, who is on leadership at my mom’s church (my childhood church)called me to verify.

My mom has since been let go as the children’s pastor there and she claims I’ve essentially ruined her reputation and life. My dad kicked her out and she’s now living with my 38 F sister, and lastly, my dad insisted on a dna test for the three youngest boys before he’d consider anything to do with their marriage. The twins are my husband’s bio children. I’ve since kicked him out and he’s living with his parents.

My father and I are discussing me moving into his much larger house and him selling my grandfather's house and him giving me the money to buy a new house somewhere else to get rid of the memories. My husband is appalled and furious that I proved he actually is about to have seven kids, instead of five, that I'm going to be taking half his business away from him.

My husband started his own HVAC company a few years back and for the first five years, I helped him get it set up, ran the office completely, and took time away from my teaching career to help him get this established. In my state, all marital assets, including businesses are split 50/50.

Since the house was still in my father's name, my husband will get no money from the sale, neither will my mother, since inherited assets are not subject to be split in divorces. My mother is also likely to not get any alimony, as our state is not a no fault divorce state.

I'm now over a month removed, still extremely bitter and angry at my mother, especially at her hypocrisy of calling me a whore and shaming my family, when she's done much worse. I also despise my ex with everything within me now, as he was fucking both my mom and me in some instances coming to our bed minutes later.

He got my mother pregnant less than a week after getting me pregnant and while I thought it was so cute and fun that I shared a pregnancy experience with my mom, she was carrying my children's half siblings. He has broken all trust I had in men and being faithful. I have already procured a good lawyer from the firm that helped us in financial matters for both me and my dad and my dad is helping pay for it.

My twin brothers, one of my sisters, and my entire ex's family have gone no contact with me and my minor children and my children have essentially lost all of their grandparents but my dad, two uncles, and an aunt on my side, and my husband's three brothers, due to this mess.

I've also developed ulcers and digestive issues because of this, so I'm visiting the doctor soon and I've been in therapy since the first week of January. I've offered this for my two adult children if they need family therapy with all of us, but they're doing individual therapy right now.

My 14 year old knows that we're getting divorced and why and she's so angry at her dad that I struggle sending her to his house on the weekends. I feel like she's old enough to make a decision on that, but I don't want to damage her relationship with her dad.

I've told all my kids it's okay to love their dad, even if he hurt me, but the oldest two have cut him off 100%. I won't tell my youngest two until they're teens why we got divorced, and everyone else has agreed to not spill anything until they're old enough to understand.

As for how I had no idea this affair was ongoing, my husband confirmed to me that they would have sex at my mom's office at church, in their cars, at a motel, and when we built the business, they started having it routinely in his office, once I went back to teaching. They also had it in our houses too when my father would go away on business trips or I'd be out of town.

It was pure happenstance that I came home a day early from a trip, because I was uncomfortable from being nearly seven months pregnant and just wanted my own bed, for me to find out. Knowing they'd be carrying on this full blown affair still if I hadn't caught them is what I'm still upset about. The fact that the grandmother and father of my children cared so little about destroying our families is what I can't get past.

What's hardest for me is that my own mother would do this to me and would continue to do this for years and not caring when it all blew up in her face that she would be destroying her entire family.

Edit: Also, to add insult to injury my husband confirmed in one of our mediated conversations the affair started when I apparently made him angry. He didn’t tell me and instead vented to my mom when they were alone. She comforted him and they had sex.

He loved it and then pursued her after that. He said he would’ve divorced me, but knew he’d get cut off from her and she was so much better at sex than me, so stuck it out with me. He told me I was a placeholder. Of all the betrayal and low blows, that statement is what keeps me up at night.

TL;DR

My mom fucked my husband for 22 years, got pregnant with twins, continued the affair until I caught them in bed together on New Year’s Eve while I was nearly 7 months pregnant. I publicly exposed it and my mom lost her job , her marriage, and is homeless.

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Comments:

Comment1: This goes right into the TrueOffMyChest Hall of Fame. Quite frankly, it makes "Oedipus Rex" seem like a quaint little French comedy of manners. It makes Woody Allen look like a wet-behind-the-ears little upstart at family disruption. My sympathy to all the innocent victims who are experiencing the fallout from this. The branches on this family tree probably look like a bunch of Mobius Strips.

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Update 1 (6 days later)

I had a phone conversation with my aunt today (my egg donor’s sister) and she told me there is a family history of cheating in our family on their side of the family. My grandma cheated on my Grandpa for years but they reconciled, my aunt herself had multiple emotional affairs but is still married to my uncle.

She tried blaming genetics on my mom’s affair. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of that attempt to justify her affair and my aunt is now mad at me for not hearing my egg donor out and her explanations for cheating. My dad and lawyer both say I should hear her out, so I’m still considering doing it right before we meet in early March to establish custody.

Edit: I should mention that I asked my aunt if my momma inherited the whore gene, which child did she pass it on to and how did my grandma manage to pass it on to both her daughters. So that’s probably why she’s mad in retrospect. I’ve honestly lost all sympathy for cheaters after this.

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Comments:

Comment1: So it started with grandma and was normalized is what she’s saying. It’s not genetics lmao. It’s normalizing bad behavior. But I’m glad you and your dad are talking about going together to hear her out. Just have each other’s back and don’t let either of y’all be manipulated. Stay strong and record everything!

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Note: part two of this BORU to be added shortly

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user CreditElectronic6730 in r/ AITAH

Original: April 19, 2026

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for accidentally breaking up my managers affair?

I (27 female) am an English teacher in Japan. I work at a company that sends me all over the prefecture to teach. My furthest class is 40 minutes away, it’s mainly women in their 40s and 50s. I alternate the class with my manager (41 male), let’s call him Dave. Dave’s married to a Japanese woman and has a toddler.

A few weeks back, I was teaching our shared class. The students wanted to ask me questions during the warm up. They asked if had a husband and questions about my family back home. One of them, we’ll call her Mika (43 female), suddenly asked if Dave had a girlfriend and I said he’s married with a child. She looked shocked as did the others and they pushed me again to confirm so I did.

I hadn’t thought anything of it until last week when Dave called me into his office. He was visibly upset. He asked if I’d told the students about his family and I said that I had. He was super angry and told me to never talk about his family again with students. I was still a bit confused but apologised and said okay.

This week Mika wasn’t in class and I noticed she wasn’t in the attendance role. I asked the others and they said she quit the class. It all made sense now…. When I left class, Mika was waiting for me. She asked me if I was telling the truth about Dave or if I was confused. I said nothing but pulled out my phone and showed her his Facebook photos of him and his family which I made sure to screenshot.

I went to the head office this morning to teach and Dave came into my classroom after class and he very angry. He closed the door and loomed over me saying I told you not to talk about my family with students. I asked what he meant and he asked me what I said to Mika.

I said I didn’t say anything and that she technically wasn’t a student anymore so I didn’t see any issue. I then said he seemed awfully concerned about me telling the students about his family and that perhaps the owner of the school would like to know why students were quitting the class.

He stormed out. I’m quietly hoping this is the end of it but something tells me there are other students that think he’s single…

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA. But secure your bases quickly: reach out to company HR and let them know that your manager is pressuring you. Don't let him "spin" this to your disadvantage. The situation is actually harmless for you: you spoke in your class during warm up about family and home. That is a very legit language class topic.

His marriage and family status are public knowledge. You didn't share any details about their relationship or private details (I assume). So the fault is with your manager. And the principle for him is: FAFO. 😌

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Comment2: NTA, and I think that in fact yes, the owner of the school would like to know. Think of it as a C.Y.A. now that you are on Dave’s bad side.

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Comment3: Tell the owner. It doesn’t matter if adultery by men is seen as culturally permissible, it is bad for business. They will lose students and get a bad reputation which will lower new admissions. It doesn’t matter the reason for the owner’s motivation. He will stop it.

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Comment4: You are NTA but for people saying go to HR and all. This is Japan and what people think is normal and all is a LOT different then in the states or elsewhere. Like I would not be shocked at all to learn that OP would be told to not say anything anymore and just keep quiet so it would not hurt the school image.

Also cheating is seen differently in Japan (how insane that is) you can look it up and how it is viewed. Not saying that all people feel like that. But heard enough stories in Japan of spouse not being kind if you tell them.

But OP do what you think is right. I think you handled it amzing! But personally would not get involved more.

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Update 0.5

Edit: Thanks for all the comments. I got a Facebook message request from Mika and I accepted it. She sent me screenshots of texts between her and Dave. Let’s just say they were spicy… I think she’s heartbroken and I feel sorry that he got duped by him. He’s so trash.

Today we had a monthly staff meeting, the owners talked about a new contract they won and the staffing. At the end Dave got up and gave a speech about keeping teachers personal information confidential for safety reasons. I glared at him while he spoke.

We don’t have an HR department because we are a small company. The owners are a Canadian man and his Japanese wife. I’m still torn about whether or not to speak with the owners. I’m worried that it’ll be easier to get rid of me Vs Dave.

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Update 1:

I had a very interesting convo with another teacher, let’s call him Jim, after Dave’s teacher privacy speech at the staff meeting on Monday.

Jim is a 36 yr old American male. He had a wife here who’s currently pregnant. He said that he helped Dave host a Xmas party for students at another center back in December. It’s a center where I haven’t taught.

Jim during the party some of the students were asking how his wife was doing with the pregnancy. One made a comment like ‘You’ll be the first gaijin (foreign teacher) to be a father at the school’ and Jim started to say something about and Dave quickly cut him off and changed the subject. Jim thought it was awkward but hadn’t thought anything of it.

I told Jim about what happened with Dave and Mika. He told me I have to bring this to the owners. Although he doesn’t have proof of Dave doing the same thing at the other school, he said it seemed sus.

I’ve made an appointment to see both managers on Friday afternoon. I’ve decided to show them the screenshots that Mika sent me. Wish me luck. I’m so nervous.

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Update 2:

I had my meeting with today with the owners. The Canadian owner (Brian) came to the meeting, his wife (Naomi) couldn't make it. I was honestly so nervous because I really like this job and didn't want to jeopardize it but was concerned that Dave wouldn't let it go. There's a lot of travel involved but I can study on the train between classes.

I printed the screenshots that Mika sent me of the spicy text exchange between her and Dave so I had receipts. I also keep a record of dates and times where the events happened.

When I sat down, I felt absolutely sick. Brian asked if I wanted water and looked very concerned. I started from the beginning and made sure to apologise for talking about another teacher's personal life in class, and that it was an honest mistake. I told him about Mika sending me a message request on Messenger and the screenshots which I produced from my bag.

I told him that Dave had cornered me in my classroom. Finally I pulled out my employment contract and pointed to the clause that stated that is strictly prohibited to have a relationship with a student outside of class and I said it was likely the same for Dave. At this point my hands were shaking and I felt sweaty.

Brian sat quietly for a minute processing and looking very concerned. He said that it was an honest mistake on my part and that he was glad that I had the courage to come to him with the information because it looked bad from a business prospective for teachers to be dating students.

He told me not to worry about Dave that he was the one who was in the wrong by crossing a line with a student. He said he'd talk to Naomi about the situation and decide the best way forward. He also said my job was safe and not to worry about it over the weekend.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with Dave now. I'll update next week when I find out.

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Update 2.5

EDIT: I went for drinks and with some other teachers last night. After a couple drinks, we were more relaxed, and one of them said that Dave had been trying to dig up dirt on me the last week or so. He asked if I hung out with students outside class or if I’d bee late to class.

I don’t hang out with students outside class because it’s prohibited, so I’m safe. I didn’t tell them about Dave and Mika because I’m sure it’ll come out next week. Seriously, giving desperate vibes on his part.

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Update (final)

I ended up being out of the office last week because I was filling in for a sick teacher but I’m in a group chat with some of my colleagues so I was kept in the loop, and they said on Monday Dave had been taken off the teaching schedule. There was an announcement on Friday that Dave was leaving the school…. That was a week after my chat with the owner.

I’m honestly shocked that it was that quick. I’ve just come out of a meeting with both of the owners. They said that Dave decided to quit. I coped a lecture on not talking about other teachers personal stuff in class from the Japanese owner. The meeting ended on them thanking me again for coming forward so a bit of confusing meeting all in all.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user boardingyard in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: March 26, 2026

Update (in post itself)

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for not wanting my schizophrenic sister living with me even tho I have the space?

I (mid 20’s F) have a sister “Mandy” (early 40’s F) who has schizophrenia. We’re not very close because she met her then husband and left to live in Europe when I was very young. Our relationship was Skype calls or messages since then. Have seen her twice in person since she left.

For context, I had a pretty rough childhood. My mom was emotionally and psychologically abusive and I spent most of my early years up to young adulthood taking care of others, from children to adults.

Moving out and becoming independent was a huge deal for me. Spent years working on my mental health and am finally in a good place and living the life I always dreamed of filled with peace, quiet, stability and love. I am very proud of the life I’ve been able to create for me and my S.O. who has been my rock throughout this entire issue.

My sister’s life however has become the complete opposite. After her divorce things went pretty downhill for her unfortunately and her mental health has been not okay. She’s been in and out of hospitals and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Which if you know anything about it it’s a very difficult disability if not treated properly.

She denies her diagnosis, refuses medication and has lead to her becoming homeless, a missing person, an unpredictable being due to her erratic behavior and giving signs of life every couple of months or so to ask for money with little to no explanation on her well being or current situation.

Recently, after six months on not knowing about her she reached out and for the first time since our countless efforts to come home, she asked to come back home. Mind you we live in the *continent* of America so It would be very expensive to bring her back because she legally cannot travel unsupervised.

We all have a bit of debt now from previous attempts to try to get her back and/or giving her the money she’s asked whenever she does give signs of life, but would do it again if it meant she’s safe and has a roof over her head.

Problem is no one can really take her in. My dad has serious health issues and is also taking care of his mom. Her mom lives in a tiny studio has her own serious health issues as well. My other sister Stacy is a single mom and is scared of having Mandy around her child due to her unpredictable behavior.

Somehow that’s lead to me being the best choice since I don’t have kids and live in a three bedroom 2 bathroom house with my S.O and our cat. But honestly… I don’t want to. I finally have the peace I’ve worked so hard to get to become yet again someone else’s caretaker. I don’t want to disrupt the life I have been able to build now that I’m finally free, stable and for the first time… happy. On top of the debt I’ve accumulated to tried to help her in the past lol.

I feel guilty because she’s my sister and I know she needs help. But I feel like it would be at cost of my own mental health and the life it took me so long and hard to build.

So, AITA and how do I tell my family?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: If she's somewhere in Europe they might even only need to call emergency services and explain she's unmedicated and unstable. They'll get her to psychiatric emergencies and from there she'll get the institutional attention she needs.

>OOP: She is currently in a psychiatric hospital. Has been there for the past year.

Comment2: NTA. I do not see this in any way being positive for you or for your sister. I do not think you're in a good place right now to deal with this situation, and that will be detrimental to your sister. I'm sorry your family is going through this.

>OOP: Thank you for your kind words! The situation definitely is a struggle, and has not been easy to go months and months without being giving signs of life.

Comment3: NTA
Having literal space doesn’t mean you’re qualified or equipt.
Simply say you cannot. No other explanation.
She will need Adult Protective Services or something to that effect (likely several other services but I don’t know what those would be). She might even be better off in her current country.

Comment4: NTA. Do not ruin your life for anyone. She is not your child or responsibility. You are finally free of the toxic family you were forced to endure as a child. You’re an adult now. Protect your peace & your life with your husband. Your sister will find & accept real help if & when she’s ready. Do not let her or anyone else drag you down.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

OOP: There’s literally Central and South America too sir… I never was talking about the USA everyone assumed that tho.

----------
OOP: That honestly sounds like a horrible situation I’m really sorry to hear that. However my family has really done the best they can with helping her, again we all have some debts based on us trying to help her. We did the best so she didn’t became homeless.

Tried to figure out how to file a missing persons report from another country (short answer you can’t). We went there twice first her mom then me and my dad to try to help her sort out her situation, housing, medications, income, literally everything. No effort that my family has made has been successful.

My sister unfortunately is in her current situation based on her own actions. Not because my family hasn’t been there for her. Remember people with the disability don’t act normal, think clearly or rationalize.

In her head it’s the world that has an issue with her. Theres this evil thing allegedly attacking her and the popes are vampires?? There’s people pretending to be us and that’s why she doesn’t use her phone and went no contact. I don’t know it’s all insane really.

Regardless on how messed up the situation is and how severe her current condition is. It’s all based on her not accepting help, not because my family hasn’t been helping.

----------
OOP: She used to have medical and financial help until she stop doing her monthly checkup. Where she is, she just needed to say hi to her doctor every other month so she could keep it.

I think she’s been stuck in the hospital for the past year which is better than being 100% homeless, missing (well missing for us I guess), and possibly jail (when she wasn’t in the hospital people would call the cops on her for public disturbances like being loud, odd or erratic for example).

The thing I’m most worried about honestly is her kid. Her kid keeps asking questions of where mom is but we don’t know what to respond and her ex husband says that subject is off limits conversation topic with their kid and we respect that. But last time I was there I ask if I could spend a day with the kid because I’ve missed so much of their lives and all that and when we went to watch movies their movie selection was “Mars Needs Mom” OUCH.

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OOP: I agree that she’s not a bad person I understand her struggles are unique and it’s something much greater. I would like to add tho that we did travel over there twice to try to get her back and she refused. Actually she didn’t give sings of life when we went and that’s when the cops were called.

However she did open up to me once we arrived to the hospital because she said I was “special” (don’t know why) and while no we didn’t grow up close I still care about her and wish things would’ve happened differently.

I did try to tell my dad many times these are the consequences of her actions and it took him probably like a year to see that through. He did finally agreed with me but also feels guilty he can’t take care of her the way he’d want to. He’s also getting old, has had his own issues and wouldn’t want to see his health decline for my sister who denied help for years.

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Update

Thank you all so much for your kind words, comments, advice, support and opinions! It’s my first Reddit post and I didn’t think that I would get much responses let alone so quickly.

Me and my family have spoken very briefly so it’s not a huge update or the final update but we did chat. No, I am not gonna take my sister if she stays with me it would be at most two days my S.O agrees. Genuinely not more than that I don’t care. My family agreed and understood so we’re good on that thankfully. I know that was the main concern.

So far my dad is the only one open to the idea of her coming back and is open into only bringing her back if she accepts her diagnosis, drinks her meds and is willing to go to a home, be an inpatient, or in a facility. But he rather have her close supervised than far and not know anything.

He understands it’s an expense and it’s willing to do anything to help my sister. By the way my dad is awesome and has always been that supportive of the three of us.

When I had my own struggles and had an attempt he was the person who told me he believed in me and he didn’t give up on me and knew I’d figure it out, he also took me to the hospital and when I finally moved out from my mom’s was the first person to celebrate and buy me appliances for my apartment and would buy me groceries every now and then or give me money for gas etc. Still up to this day shows up randomly with groceries just in case I’m tight with money and am too scared to ask for help.

So I know he would go above and beyond for my sister too. However I feel like my sister would take advantage of that and I don’t know how to go on about that he made a comment of financing his house if it’s necessary and I’m incredibly against that. My dad is in his 70’s and I just want him to retire and enjoy whatever life he has left hopefully a lot.

Stacy and her mom (Mandy and Stacy have the same mom) both agree it would be better for her to stay exactly where she is but are open to the idea of bringing her back home in the future if she’s in a better place or more self aware.

Thank you for those of you who have messaged privately and offered help, you how no idea how much it means to me and my family. Thank you also for caring for my future husband and my cat. They are both very grateful XD. Will update when we make a decision! But just wanted to share for the time being.

Oh and another thing, a lot of people saying that due to our time apart “she means nothing to me”. That’s still my sister and while no, we’re not close now, we were when I was little. I still love her very very much so and feel horrible that she’s in this situation.

Because of the distance I’ve had from her and how I’ve also gone through my share of struggles so early in my life, I have become the one that talks from a realistic perspective and not just wishful thinking. My dad in particular has been extremely grateful for that side of me. To be fair he’s the one that I’m worried about the most, more than Mandy tbh. It’s been difficult to see his health decline because of the situation.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by happypomelohope in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: April 7, 2026

Update: (in post itself)

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for not “being considerate” to my friend’s boyfriend’s allergies?

Hello everyone.

Firstly, I’d like to set the context that I understand that nuts are a very common allergy in some places. It’s just really not a common allergy in my country. Before this incident, I didn’t know a single person allergic to nuts. The most common allergy where I live is seafood.

With that being said, I live in South East Asia. Nuts is not an unusual ingredient in our cuisine.

We had a potluck with friends. We’re in our early 20s. I brought some pad thai, one of my favorites. It has nuts as an ingredient. My friends love it too. I told the groupchat I would be bringing it, and no one had any issues.

One of my friends brought her boyfriend. He’s Wasian and this was our first time meeting him. He seemed rather offended seeing the Pad Thai with nuts all over it, cause he’s allergic. He implied that I’m inconsiderate for bringing a common “danger” that can harm others.

I apologized, and said I didn’t know he was allergic. He said I should have known it’s a common allergy that should be avoided. I said our group ate out together in a Thai place in the past and had pad thai, and no one objected to my message saying I would be bringing it.

My friend, his girlfriend, said she forgot to inform us about his allergy or forgot that pad thai has peanuts. Which caused somewhat of an argument between them.

There were other food he could eat. And though the evening started off awkward, it eventually got better.

The next day, we got a message in the groupchat saying “Please be considerate of others and avoid nuts next time, thanks!”.

Was I being inconsiderate? I wasn’t aware of his allergy. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA
You can’t plan for an allergy you’re not aware of, and if your friend’s BF wasn’t in the group chat to advocate for his own allergy, she should’ve.

Comment2: Nta, I’m allergic to nuts as well and I’m really confused on how you were expected to know he had an allergy when nobody told you. That’s on his Girlfriend 100%

Comment3: You brought Pad Thai to a potluck in SE Asia, this seems fairly standard, NTA. Your friends boyfriend is going to be doing alot of complaining if he has an issue with dishes with peanuts in them though.

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Comment4: It doesn’t matter if it’s a common food allergy if you don’t think anyone in attendance has that allergy. Like nobody in my family is allergic to shellfish, so I would have no reason to avoid bringing shrimp cocktail to a potluck just because “it’s a common allergy.”

Nuts are food, and are served as such unless someone goes out of their way to advocate that someone coming has a nut allergy. It was either his or his girlfriend’s job to speak up about his nut allergy, you can’t work around “what ifs.”

Like, maybe someone could’ve been allergic to gluten, so were you not supposed to bring anything with gluten either? This is really a problem between him and his girlfriend, not you.

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Comment5: NTA. My wife is allergic to peanuts. She's Korean btw, so it's not just a white people allergy. If we go to someone's home for food or to a potluck, I tell the host that she is allergic. That being said, it is polite for the host to ask guests if there are any dietary restrictions and communicate those to other people who may be bringing food.

At the end of the day, though, the responsibility is on your friend to communicate her partner's allergies. Nut allergies are relatively common as far as allergies go, but not in enough of the population that people should exclude them from dishes without provocation.

Pad Thai, while being an Asian dish, is relatively well known in the west. It has peanuts. Hearing that you were bringing it should have prompted some discussion if there were a known nut allergy. I'd do the same if I were bringing my wife somewhere with satay. We avoid Nigerian and Indonesian food all together due to their heavy use of peanuts.

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Update (0.5)

Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. Glad to know I’m not going crazy. I’ll have to talk to my friend about this.

Also, for anyone wondering why I mentioned he’s Wasian, I kind of meant maybe his allergy is a genetic thing from his American side as I understand it’s more common there. I probably should have added that he grew up there too.

Anyway, thanks again. I’m off to enjoy some pad thai and peanut kisses (Filipino sweet snack).

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Update (final):

I spoke to my friend. I think “boyfriend” is too strong of a word. Apparently, they met online and had just recently started meeting up in person. My take is that he acted out to give her a reason to end things with him. Cause they apparently got into a fight about it, and are no longer seeing each other. Why I had to be collateral damage in all this, I don’t know. Anyway, that’s that.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user CupcakeMuse in r/ AITAH

Original: Feb 21, 2025

Update: Feb 22, 2025

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/Turuial for the suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITA for refusing to let my in-laws stay with us after they constantly criticize our home and lifestyle?

I (30F) am married to my husband, “Alex” (32M), and we have a fairly small, cozy house that we’re really proud of. We’ve put a lot of effort into making it our own, and while it’s not huge or fancy, it’s comfortable and suits our needs. My husband and I both work from home, and we’ve tried to create a peaceful space that reflects our values and priorities. However, my in-laws (Alex's parents) have been constantly critical of everything.

Whenever they visit, they complain about how small the house is, how we don’t have enough space for “entertaining,” how our furniture isn’t to their taste, and how we don't have a "proper" guest room. I’ve tried to take it in stride, but it’s really starting to get to me. They’ve made comments like “You could really use a bigger house to start a family” or “How do you manage without a second bathroom?” as if we should be apologizing for our choices.

Recently, Alex and I decided to take a vacation, and my in-laws asked if they could stay at our place while we were gone. I was hesitant because of how they’ve treated our home in the past, but I didn’t want to cause any conflict. I told Alex that I wasn’t comfortable with them staying over, especially since they’ve been so vocal about how much they dislike it here.

Alex insisted that it was the polite thing to do, but I drew a line and said, "I don’t want them here if they’re just going to trash talk our home behind our backs." I also reminded him of how they had constantly undermined our lifestyle choices, and that having them stay here would only make me feel uncomfortable and stressed out. He got upset and said I was being petty, and that I should just let it go since it’s “only for a few days.”

Now, Alex is upset with me for refusing to host them, and I’m feeling torn. I don’t want to create tension in my marriage, but I also don’t want to constantly be made to feel like our choices and space aren’t good enough. He thinks I’m overreacting, but I just don’t want to feel like I’m inviting criticism into my own home.

AITA for refusing to let my in-laws stay with us? Or am I being unreasonable?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA and I don’t even understand why they would want to stay in your home while you’re gone. Like they don’t have their own house? 😭

>Comment2: They want to decorate the house to their own style? Sell the house without them there?i only can think a about bad things.
There is no reason for them to Stay there that is a positive one.
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Comment3: I would suspect a "we redecorated your house because we care" plan about to go into effect.

Comment4: It’s weird that they would want to stay in your house when you’re not there. Even more weird given their dislike for the house. NTA

Comment5: A lot of people here are asking the super obvious question - why do they want to stay at your place? An embarrassing emergency, like the bank is foreclosing on their house? They have fleas or bedbugs and it needs fumigating?
Why haven't YOU asked them? Why is your husband so nonchalant about it that HE doesn't think it's weird? There's a big piece missing from the picture that makes it hard to judge.

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Update (next day)

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their support and advice. I was feeling really conflicted about the whole situation, and reading through the comments gave me a lot of perspective.

A special thank you to those who pointed out the possibility that my in-laws might have been planning to redecorate while we were away. I honestly hadn’t even considered that, but when I heard them talk about “helping us make our home more presentable” and “maybe redecorating,” it became clear that some of the things people mentioned were spot on.

You definitely helped me realize I wasn't overreacting when I thought they were treating our home like a project instead of a place we’ve put our hearts into.

After some more honest conversations with Alex, he came to understand where I was coming from. He agreed that it wouldn’t be fair to let his parents stay in our home when they've been so vocal about their criticism. He acknowledged how it made me feel uncomfortable and stressed, and he apologized for initially brushing off my concerns. We both agreed it was best to set boundaries and prioritize our peace.

So, I did have the conversation with my in-laws, and while they weren't thrilled about it, I tried to explain my point of view calmly. I told them that it wasn’t about rejecting them personally, but about how their constant criticism of our space made me feel unwelcome in my own home. To my surprise, Alex backed me up during the conversation, which meant a lot.

However, things took an interesting turn when my in-laws got really upset about our decision. They didn’t hold back in expressing their disappointment, with his mom saying, “If you're so sensitive about your tiny house, maybe you should reconsider hosting anyone ever again.” His dad mentioned that they were “just trying to help us make our home more presentable” and “would’ve even redecorated while we were away.”

This part took me aback. Apparently, they had planned on rearranging furniture, buying new pieces, and possibly even repainting while we were on vacation. It honestly felt like they saw our home as a project rather than a place that we’ve intentionally created for ourselves. Alex didn’t know about the redecoration plans either, which only added to the tension.

We ended up standing firm on our decision, and while it was awkward, I feel like it was the right choice. The parents have been quieter since, but I can tell there’s some lingering resentment. Alex and I have agreed to keep things clear with them moving forward—while we’re happy to host them, we’ll make sure they respect our space and our choices.

I still feel a bit uneasy about the situation, but I’m proud that we handled it together. I’m also realizing that this might be an ongoing issue, but we’re in a stronger place as a couple now.

Thanks again for all the advice! It helped a lot in sorting through my feelings.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user pathofuncertainty in r/ xxrunning [a running sub for women]

Original: April 27, 2026

Update: April 30, 2026

Status: possibilities

Mood: slice of life

Note: thanks to anonymous user for suggestion to BORU

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Original: Fell hard for the first time

Finally happened unfortunately. I was running near an intersection, and a bunch of loose gravel that had accumulated were like marbles. As soon as I hit them my feet went out, and I went down hard. I had a decent cut and some road rash.

A (really cute) guy watched the whole thing happen, and came running over with his dog to check on me. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even get words out. Thankfully I wasn’t too badly hurt. The guy met up with me a mile or two later with some bandages, and bottle of water, and a sweet note, and checked on me one last time before he went on his way.

I’ve run in all sorts of rainy, snowy, and icy conditions, but I had to wipe out on one of the nicest days of the year so far…an of course, it had to be witnessed.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I'm glad you're okay, but can we know what the "sweet note" said? I really want it to include his contact info haha.

>OOP: The note said:
“Hope you’re feeling ok! I’ve never seen someone fall so gracefully before. I fell for the same reason just a few roads up, so don’t let this bruise your ego.
If you ever find yourself in a bind during a run, or want a running partner, my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx
Keep crushing it, you’re doing great!”

Comment2: Sounds like a meet cute to me!
(I'm sorry)

>OOP: I don’t want to freak him out or have him think I’m a weirdo if I reach out.

Comment3: You better text that man!!!

>OOP: I’m so nervous to reach out. A guy that sweet must have someone at home waiting for him.

Comment4: He gave you his number 👀👀👀. Girl, you might need to reevaluate!

>OOP: I texted him this morning. I decided to keep it simple and just said “Thank you for being so caring and charming yesterday, and for looking out for me. I truly appreciate the kindness you showed me.”

Comment5: No way you fell and then got a sweet note + invite from a cute guy with the same hobby.  Are you in a Rom Com?! 
In all seriousness, I fell a few times last year when my shoes weren't fitting right due to weight loss.  For the first fall, I was so disoriented afterwards.  I didn't hit my head, so it must have been an adrenaline rush and/or crash.  It took me a while just to calm down, plus I was kind of timid on runs for a while afterwards. 

Comment6: If it makes you feel any better, I did this in front of several cars two weeks ago at a trail crossing! Everyone else was stoping but some guy blew through (fortunately I was out of the lane when he did it) but when I looked over my shoulder in shock, my foot caught the median and I fell sooo hard. I was so embarrassed.
Hope you’re feeling better!

Comment7: I had a similar tumble this week at the end of my run...got stopped by the world's longest train at 5pm so like the entire population of my city (seemingly) was waiting as well. Train passes, I start running a little faster than I normally would to escape the crowding, and caught my toe on the tracks and ate it so hard in front of everyone on earth 😅 none of them were cute guys though so you got me beat there

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Update (3 days later): Fell hard while running and met a guy

Several of you asked I provide an update after I recently fell, and was helped by someone nearby.

After I texted him, he replied pretty soon after. After some flirty back and forth I asked him to meet up so I could give him a card and some cookies I made to show my gratitude. We ended up getting dinner that night, and I got incredibly sick halfway through. He came back to my place and took care of me until I fell asleep, and left me Gatorade on my doorstep the next morning.

We went out running yesterday, and I found out he runs a similar pace to me, and on similar routes to me. He had previously worked different hours, which is why I had never seen him before, but they changed recently. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow to go for another run.

Also, thank you to all of you for sharing your own stories about falling. I was so embarrassed in the moment, but I guess those things happen to all of us.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Fell hard and then fell hard am I right????!?!?

>OOP: Not going to lie, I thought about asking him to come over for dinner tonight, but based on how our last dinner went that seems too dangerous! Haha
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Comment1: Seriously hope that getting sick was the final part of your stretch of bad luck!
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OOP: Me too!

Comment2: Sorry I have to be that one… so he is single, right? 

>OOP: He is indeed single!

Comment3: What a wonderful story 💕
I had my first running fall on Sunday - I didn't have nearly as romantic an outcome as you !

>Comment4: I feel you! I fell hard 2.5 weeks ago and a whole group of workers doing maintenance on the trail saw me fall 😂 and I also ended up with hospital 6 days later with DVT 🤣
I hope I have an amazing story like this to share one day!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user ThatPeach7311 in r/ AITAH

Original: Sept 1, 2024

Update: Sept 5, 2024

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/Miserable-Alarm-5963 and u/Turuial for the suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITAH for "glowing up" after my divorce and not before?

I (53F) have been divorced from my ex-husband "Larry" (54M) for 6 years. Larry and I have two adult children, "Steve" (27M) and "Carla" (25F).

Larry and I met in college when we were both electrical engineering students. We were both very much on the nerdy side and looked the part, but were very attracted to each other (so I thought anyway). We got married soon after we graduated and both worked as engineers, but after a few years Larry decided he wanted to go to law school (to become a patent lawyer).

In order to look the lawyer part, Larry underwent a major glow-up during this time on pretty much all levels (tailored clothes, fancy haircuts, designer accessories like watches, etc., along with working out to trade his "dad bod" for a lean gym bod). During this time, I was having/raising our small children, while taking care of about 95% of household matters because of his long working hours, all while working full time.

I admit I did not "glow up" along with Larry. My own appearance has always been on the plainer side - I'm not overweight but a bit stocky (5'5"/140 lbs), simply cut hair, glasses, practical clothes, not much makeup. Larry loved me as-is for about the first decade of our relationship, but after he started working as a lawyer, he started to become drawn to more conventionally attractive women and had several affairs.

When I pressed for counseling, he said that the issues were things like my big nose and post-baby tummy pooch (not things I could fix with a simple makeover). I was getting organized to ask for a divorce when Carla was hit by a car while riding her bike. She survived and is fine now, but needed several years of intensive surgeries and rehab.

In order to provide a unified front for Carla (and Steve), Larry and I agreed to stay married and be as cordial as possible (he continued to see other women during this time, but by this time I was past trying to get him to be faithful). We did separate (and divorce) after Carla went off to college. Larry is remarried now to a much younger woman (33F).

In the past couple years, I have actually decided to focus more on myself - including my appearance. Now that my children are grown and out of the house, and I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around a difficult husband, I finally have time and resources to do so.

I didn't get a nose job or other plastic surgery like Larry had wanted, but I did update and color my hair, started working out more (lost about 15 pounds), got a new wardrobe, and actually started dating (I don't have a steady partner yet, but regularly go to age-appropriate singles events and go on dates).

Unfortunately, my children detest the "new me." In particular, they blame me for the divorce and are angry that I didn't "glow up" to accommodate Larry, saying I was too selfish and lazy to do so "when it mattered." My son Steve is getting married soon, and says he is too angry to invite me to the wedding.

Carla has gone low-contact with me. I had great relationships with both of them until I started my own glow-up process a couple years ago, which was a few years after Larry and I finalized our divorce.

Steve and Carla have told me that the only way to fix this - the only thing that would be fair - is to go back to the way I was before - meaning stop coloring my hair, dress in my former plain/frumpy way, and stop dating. They say they are most upset about the dating and that it's not fair for me to be looking for a new partner.

So, AITAH for everything I have done here - for not improving my appearance until after I got divorced? I really don't think Larry would have been faithful to me no matter how much I twisted myself in knots. I felt I did the best I could given the energy and resources I had, and, while it may seem selfish, I do believe I deserve to have my own life now? But I am open to other opinions if I have done something wrong here.

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Comments:

Comment1: Huh?
Is this for real?
Why do your kids think the have a say in what you wear? This is so strange. That’s not normal and it’s not ok.
If you go back to the “old you” does ex go back too? What’s the end game here? Cuz ex is married, surely the adult whiners children know this?

>OOP: They think that I'm basically rubbing it in my ex's face (and theirs) that I never cared about him because I couldn't be bothered to fix myself up until after we were divorced. I've explained that it just had to do with time and bandwidth that I have now that I'm single and the kids are grown but they aren't buying it.
And no, of course the ex doesn't go back. The kids just think I deserve to be alone and frumpy, I guess, because I wasn't a perfect wife in my marriage.

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Comment2: You're NTA for improving yourself. Sometimes it takes a big event (like a divorce) to trigger things. You're probably right he would've cheated on you anyway. Your reasons for not taking care of yourself like this during your marriage seem reasonable. Who tf can workout while working full time and taking care of all the household chores? Maybe you need to defend yourself in front of your kids, who sound like assholes like their Dad. I find their position extremely weird.

>OOP: Thanks for this. I do want to say that it's not like I didn't take care of myself at all - I maintained a healthy weight, wore clean and tidy clothes, etc. I just wasn't extremely polished like the high-powered lawyers who were Larry's new colleagues because there wasn't time to prioritize that. I didn't let myself go by any means, I just stayed the same person that Larry married while he changed.
The kids have said that I didn't put in the work to make Larry happy (something he has complained loudly about to them) so I don't deserve to have a relationship now. I'm trying to understand their position but it seems very judgmental.

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Comment3: NTA at all . Wtf did I just read ? Your kids sound like spoiled , entitled selfish people . So they blame u for the divorce even though their dad cheated ? Focus on yourself and your own life and go completely NC with your children . U can love them from a distance . U spent years sacrificing your own happiness for theirs . It’s finally your time to be happy

>OOP: I don't want to go NC with them, but I just think it's very odd that they only started blaming me for the divorce once I started improving my appearance. I do agree that I have a right to be happy now (whatever that looks like within reason) and that I don't have to defer to their opinion.

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Comment4: NTA. Your children are being immature and selfish despite being old enough to know better. Eventually they may come to regret how they treated you - but what's most important is that you deserve to be happy. I applaud your self-improvements and wish you the best of luck on your journey to find happiness the 2nd time around.

>OOP: Thank you. I'm hoping they're just having a delayed reaction to the divorce and going through the process of accepting it (Larry initiated it, but it's not like I fought for our marriage as it had been over in spirit for many years by then). I'm going to keep working on myself and trying to have a happier life now.

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Comment5: NTA Ugh, what a gut punch. I'm so sorry. They will come around eventually, but maybe not before the wedding. This feels like they've been telling themself this story for years that it's okay for them to still love their dad even though he sucks because you didn't give him what he "needed" (bullshit).

They've reinforced this silly story for so long that they believe it too, and if they question the story in any way they will lose their love for their dad. So it's easier to blame you and to resent you for glowing up now.

It's also SUPER common in children of divorce to treat the dependable parent like shit because your kids know you'll still love them after their tantrum, whereas the absentee parent might disappear if the kids are anything but angels for them, so they never see your kids' real anger.

The anger that is created by the bad parent is handed off to the good parent to hold for safety. They are grown up now but probably still feel that way. Dad's love is conditional but mom's isn't. Your kids are being selfish and the sad thing is that you may not be able to get them to see reason in time to be there for their special day.

>OOP: Thank you, this is a really good point that I hadn't considered. Larry has certainly shown that he will abandon people if they don't accommodate him perfectly (i.e., having affairs and eventually leaving because I didn't want to have major plastic surgery and didn't otherwise look polished enough while raising young children, working full-time, and dealing with other major responsibilities).
So the kids have probably convinced themselves of Larry's narrative so that they won't lose him, while they know that I will love them anyway even if they treat me poorly.
I'm not really hopeful that they will come around in time for the wedding, but I do hope they will understand at some point so that we can have a relationship.

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(4 days later) Small Update and Additional Info: AITAH for "glowing up" after my divorce and not before?

First, thanks so much for everyone who responded to my initial post. I started out trying to acknowledge everyone's responses but as they grew to the thousands I wasn't able to keep up - I'm so sorry. I did read everything and appreciate your time and thoughts, both for those who offered support and those who had more critical feedback.

As a small update, while I do agree that the behavior of my adult children Steve (27M) and Carla (25F) has been extremely judgmental and unkind, to say the least, I am not ready to write them off.

I realized that since they started in with their criticisms a couple years ago when I started changing my appearance, I have been very defensive and dismissive. Perhaps that is justified, but as I do want to make every effort to maintain a good relationship with my children, I decided that it would be best to listen with an open mind.

(This doesn't mean I'm going to go back to my old frumpy appearance to accommodate them, of course not, but just that I am open to hearing what is really bothering them so we can hopefully talk it out.)

When I contacted them both to request this, they agreed to have brunch with me this coming weekend, which is a good start. Perhaps the conversation won't change anything, but I'd always regret it if I didn't try, and listening is free.

Many of the commenters felt that some info must have been missing from my initial post. I thought I hit all the main points, but can fill in a bit more detail here. For about the first decade of my relationship with my ex-husband Larry, things were really wonderful - or at least I thought so.

As I mentioned, we met in college as electrical engineering students who both had fairly plain and unfashionable appearances by conventional. Honestly, as a nerdy woman I have always been much, much more attracted to nerdy-looking men than super-polished ones, just a better match for me I guess.

Larry seemed crazy about me from the get go and I was equally crazy about him. We graduated, both got good engineering jobs, bought a house, and started our family. We had a very warm and loving home, lots of quality intimacy, and frequently hosted our equally nerdy friends for D&D and anime nights.

Then Larry decided he wanted to go to law school; nothing really changed for the first couple years, but the law school career counselors advised him to spruce up his appearance when it was time to start applying for attorney jobs. Hence his own glow-up began.

Even after that, for his first couple years as a law firm associate, he jokingly referred to his new look as his "silly lawyer costume" and looked forward to coming him to change into his anime T-shirts. I didn't try to match his new appearance because (a) he never asked me to; and (b) initially it seemed like it was just some sort of uniform for him that he was somewhat uncomfortable with.

However, this all changed abruptly one night when I was supposed to accompany him to an awards dinner for his firm. Knowing that it was a fancy thing, and that I wasn't the best with fashion, etc., I actually went and got my hair and makeup professionally done and worked with a personal shopper to select what I thought was a flattering dress and shoes appropriate for the occasion.

However, when Larry saw me in this getup he suddenly got angry, made "lipstick on a pig" type comments, and threw out the insults about my nose and post-baby tummy pooch.

I learned shortly afterwards that he'd started an affair with a colleague (who happened to have a small, pert nose and flat stomach). Even after he was so mean, I was still hopeful that we could get counseling and work through this, but he didn't want to.

I will admit I was paralyzed for a while and also didn't want to make any rash moves due to the impact on the kids, and perhaps I could have made better decisions there. But by the time I was actually ready, emotionally and logistically, to proceed with a divorce, Carla had her accident and I had to shift gears to prioritizing her recovery.

On another note - contrary to what some commenters assumed, my post-divorce glow-up had nothing to do with wanting to meet new men. Initially, it was precipitated by having a work-related opportunity to do more high-profile client-facing activities, and I received some gentle guidance from my supervisor that it would be a great time to update my appearance - hence the new hairstyle, wardrobe, makeup, manicures, etc.

In addition, once I hit 50 my A1C started creeping a bit higher - as diabetes runs in my family, although at 5'5" and 140 lbs I wasn't medically overweight, my doctor advised that losing just a few pounds, coupled with some dietary tweaks and changing up my exercise routine, would be a good idea. So I added yoga, pilates and strength training to the hiking and cycling I already did, and ended up losing about 15 pounds over the course of a year.

I'd always been physically active (despite some commenters accusing me of being lazy), I just wasn't focused on scuplting my body to look a certain way as opposed to general fitness. Once I slimmed down and updated my look, I did find myself getting a lot more attention from men, so I figured since I'd been single for a few years I might as well lean into it and start dating - but again that wasn't the initial reason.

Some commenters asked if I'd spent "family money" on my makeover and if that might be what was making my children upset. The answer to that is no - Larry and I divided our assets in the divorce, he got the big house we had lived in and paid me for my share which allowed me to buy a much smaller house and have plenty left. Although, as a law firm partner, he makes about 10x what I do, I did not request any alimony beyond my 50% of our assets, which had all been accumulated during the marriage.

Anyway, if folks are interested I can post an additional update next week once I can talk to my children and find out more about what their issue is.

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Comments:

Comment1: I am curious to see how the conversation goes. I don’t understand why your children villainized you.

>OOP: I'm pretty perplexed as well. They are adults with their own lives (they are both employed and have their own residences) and they both have significant others, so it's not like what I look like or whether or not I date affects their day to day lives. But it's possible I may be missing something.

Comment2: Your ex has alienated your children from you. He has told them a very biased account and by taking the high road you have in effect failed to defend yourself. It must be very hurtful that they bought into his version so easily though.

I hope that you can strike a balance between telling them he abused and devalued you, and letting them know that your glow up is you fighting for yourself -- your health, your spirit, your happiness and self worth. If your only value in their eyes is your self-sacrifice, your self-abnegation, they should be ashamed of themselves. You deserve so much better.

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Additional details from OOP in comments

OOP: Thank you - I do think some of this is financial. Larry paid for each of them to go to grad school (the college funds we had set up during the marriage fully funded their undergrad needs), bought each of them a new car as a college graduation gift, and gave each of them enough money for a downpayment for a starter home.

Meanwhile, I support myself just fine but don't have extra money for very large gifts (my salary is in the low 6 figures and - I don't know what Larry's is now, but it was over $2 million/year at the time our divorce was finalized).

Bringing some documentation as you suggested is a great idea. I hope the discussion doesn't become contentious like that, but having the info in front of me about my sacrifices and contributions will keep me from getting flustered.

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OOP: The funny thing is, though, that while he was insulting my appearance, he told me he never loved me, that he just settled for me because he thought conventionally attractive women were out of his league. (He never treated me poorly during the first decade of our relationship and I never had a hint that he was dissatisfied with my appearance or that he would have preferred someone else.)

It's likely true that, if not for his salary/position and more polished appearance, he would not have snagged his much-younger new wife. It's hard to imagine an extremely attractive woman in her early 30s (as in, she actually could be a model) going for a chubby mid-50s engineer with shaggy hair who wears anime T-shirts.

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OOP: They actually say they love his new wife, who is like a fun and glamorous big sister to them. I do think I look great now but I look like a well-kept 50something woman who takes care of herself, much like you might see in women executives, politicians, etc. I'm not going to compete, looks-wise, with a conventionally attractive woman in her early 30s.

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OOP: The funny thing is, my new look isn't even what most people would consider sexy! Just polished, like you might see on a woman executive or politician. My clothes are pretty conservative and age-appropriate, just stylish and well-tailored. Makeup and jewelry are subtle and tasteful. It's not like I'm wearing stilettos, corset tops and miniskirts with bright red lipstick! (Not that there would be anything wrong with that, even for a woman my age.)

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OOP: Thanks! I'm determined to enjoy my several (hopefully) remaining decades whether or not my children approve. But I'd prefer to have positive relationships with them and it appears it's on me to make the effort, even if that's not quite fair.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Throwawayname1223 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Nov 12, 2021

Update: Nov 19, 2021

Status: No further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for expecting my sister to pronounce the names of my children properly?

Even though I (25F) grew up in a different province, my parents are from Quebec and so is my husband (25M). So basically we’re French Canadian even though we currently don’t live in a French speaking province.

I have always liked French names and have always wanted to give my kids French names. So I did. My eldest is Élodie (5F), second is Théo (4M) and well, I’m having another boy in December and I wanted to name him Maxime. Now these are fake names but are still very french sounding so it doesn’t really make a difference.

Anyways, my husband adores the names and so do my friends and family. All except my sister (20F). My sister isn’t very connected to our French Canadian roots like I am which is totally okay but she absolutely despises the names I picked for my kids. She especially hates Maxime.

Every time we get together she complains about how out dated or loser-ish Maxime sounds which okay. We all have our opinions but I’m still not changing it. I say this to her every time but she just keeps complaining. I don’t understand why it bothers her so much.

Now the issue, while I understand that most people will pronounce Théo as Thee-Oh, Élodie as Elle-uh-dee and probably shorten Maxime to Max I still kind of expected my sister to pronounce their names properly.

She’s not just a stranger after all and she speaks French fluently.

So yesterday, after I put the kids to bed, my sister came over and said “are Eluhdee and Theeoh asleep?”

I didn’t really shout but I did kind of tell her that those aren’t their names in a frustrated tone. She just asked me if I really expected people to pronounce their names like that.

I told her that I expected her to-not other people. She knows that’s how their names are pronounced and it really isn’t difficult for her like it is for other people. Hell it isn’t even difficult for English only speakers but she’s their aunt.

She told me that I was being irritating and making a big deal out of nothing. She also said that my kids would probably pronounce their names the English way too. I then told her to come back later because I was getting pissed off at that point and she left thankfully after telling me that I was being huge pain in the ass.

I do understand her points but at the same time, all I want is for her to pronounce their names properly no matter what other people call them. What my children call themselves in the future is up to them but as of right now, even they pronounce their names the French way.

So AITA for being so annoying about this? My husband thinks I should just leave her be and so do my parents but idk.

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Comments:

Comment1: Info: is she speaking French or English when she's mispronouncing their names? And is she just saying the English version of the name, or is she... I guess, sort of approximating the actual name, but with English sounds?

I personally find it really tough to switch between French sounds and English sounds and back in the middle of a sentence. My name has an r in it, and if I'm speaking French, I'll use a French R, French vowel sounds, and a more French emphasis pattern to say my name. If I'm speaking English, I'll use an English R, English vowel sounds, and a more English emphasis pattern. It's just easier!

I guess... imagine the biggest Anglo you know, who can't manage to make sounds that aren't in English, is doing their genuine best to pronounce your kids' names. Would they be doing a better job than your sister?

>OOP: She doesn’t pronounce their names properly in both languages. She’s completely over exaggerating the English sounds to the point where it’s barely the same anymore.
And see I might be less annoyed if the names were super hard to pronounce but all my English speaking friends can pronounce their names no problem. Yeah it took them a bit to get used to and their accent may not be the best but that doesn’t matter because the names still sounds like their names. Idk if this makes sense but it’s pretty late.
I do get your points though! Thanks!

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Comment2: NTA, but she is. I was sympathetic to her until you said "she speaks French fluently" but after you said that, she has no excuse.

The kids should (and will) get used to the Anglicized pronunciations, too, because they'll hear them all the time and it's probably better for their stress levels if you don't teach them to correct every barista and coworker every time, but it sounds like you're pretty laid back about it and wouldn't instill that anyway.

But your own family should know better. And I think she does.
(PS your example names are all great. Maxime and Theo are great boy names, and Élodie is beautiful. I hope your real picks are that great.)

>OOP: Right. It’s the fact that she can speak French fluently that bothers me. One of my cousins who actually cannot speak French at all manages to say their names and so do all my friends (who also can’t speak it) but she, a literal French speaker, refuses.
Also don’t worry, you’re 100% right about the fact that I’m pretty laid back about strangers or people who don’t know them mispronouncing their names :) My kids will correct their friends, teachers etc but also know not to take it to heart or get to worked up about it (like I did lol).
And haha the fake names are quite adorable aren’t they?

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Comment3: NTA. Sister is being a rude jerk. Does she have a name you can mispronounce, and have the kids mispronounce? Petty, yes, but would be worth the look on her face when she hears her name different.

When she has children she has control over those names. Until then she needs to stop.
INFO NEEDED: Is she doing it for attention??? Was she the "baby" of the family until your children came along?

>OOP: Her name is also French but she goes by the English version which everyone calls her by and I completely respect. Maybe I’ll start pronouncing it the French way haha. Like you said, petty but eh.
She was the baby of the family actually. I don’t know if she’s doing it for the attention though.

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Comment4: NTA, it’s one thing to expect a non french speaker to get the intonation perfect but it sounds like she’s intentionally getting it wrong. Plus she’s their aunt, heaven forbid she make an effort.

That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if she enjoys getting a rise out of you so do have a think about how much energy you really want to put into this. You’re not an asshole if you continue to correct her but sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles and decide if this is worth the emotional exhaustion.

>OOP: Exactly my point. I don’t expect people who don’t speak a word of French to be able to pronounce their names properly. It is difficult. But it isn’t for my sister who I know is completely capable. And like you said, she’s their aunt!
And thinking back on everything, it does seem like she finds my reaction sort of amusing. You’re last point about whether the emotional exhaustion is worth it-it really isn’t. I’m about to have a baby for the third time in less than four weeks for gods sake!

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Comment5: NTA.
These are your kids' names. And she speaks the language! She has got some deeper issues than just refusing to pronounce a name properly.
Et même si c'est un nom fabriqué pour l'histoire, j'adore le nom Maxime!

>OOP: I’ve seen a lot of comments saying it may not just be about the names but that’s just making me wonder what exactly it is because it’s a little ridiculous tbh.
Et OUI!!! Peut-être pour un autre bébé LOL.
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Comment5: Does she maybe have something against French names in general now?
I'm in Manitoba, and while we have a high percentage of francophones, there many people who take great pleasure in mocking people who speak French. Maybe she's had an experience where she is afraid/embarrassed to speak French, and the names remind her?
Je suis aller à l'école immersion, et je me rappelle encore les enfants anglais nous taquinnaient constament et j'ai maintenant 42.

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Update (a week later)

Okay. First of all, thank you so much for all the lovely comments on my original post. I don’t know if it’s because I’m pregnant but I was crying while reading them haha.

Before I continue, just wanted to clarify a few things. I don’t expect non French speakers to pronounce the names of my children properly. Getting the accent right is extremely difficult and getting upset is just unnecessary. All I ask is instead of saying (for example Élodie) Elluhdee they say Eylohdee. My sister (a fluent French speaker) refuses to even do this.

Anyways, the update:

I kind of realized that the amount of stress this was giving me was not healthy at all. My husband noticed as well and told me that I should probably stop talking to my sister for a while as she was definitely just mispronouncing their names to rile me up (like a lot of you said).

So as of right now, I’ve told my sister (over text) that I need a break from her until at least my son is born. In fact I also told her not to bother visiting after his birth as I’m tired of her disrespecting me and quite frankly my children as well.

She made a joke about pregnancy hormones or something and told me that I was over reacting again. I just left her on read. It’s been a few days and she still hadn’t reached out and honestly? I don’t really care.

Whenever we talked she’d always complain about me, my children, my unborn child, my husband, my house etc and once again, I’m pretty sure the names aren’t the problem. I am.

I don’t know what the reason is but I’m too pregnant to worry about this so yeah! Thanks everyone!

Also, after discussing with my husband (who also says thanks for the support), I’ve decided that I’ll just say their names since quite a few of you asked. The fake names are quite adorable but these three are just special to me.

Caroline (ka-ro-leen), Nicolas (Nee-ko-la) and Alexis (A-lex-ee). Anyways, thank you again (I KNOW) and pray for me lol baby Alexis can pop out any day now.

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Edit:

Like I said, I’m not going to get mad if a random person doesn’t pronounce their names properly. I’m only upset with my sister who refuses to. Everyone else I wholeheartedly understand and will not make a fuss about. Just you know... my sister.

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Comments:

Comment1: Just out of curiosity, since we now know the names, how is your sister pronouncing them? I don't speak a word of french (well, I can count to 3 🤣) but I can easily pronounce those names the way you explained them.

>OOP: Of course!
Caroline (ka-row-line), Nicolas (nick-uh-less) and Alexis (Uh-lex-is).
At first glance I totally understand if people pronounce them the “normal” way but after I or my children correct you I expect people to say it properly. That’s it.
Thank you for your comment :)

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Comment2: I'm a Quebecer and my partner is an American who only learned French after meeting me, and he still pronounces my name correctly even if I never specifically asked of him to do so So yeah, stick to your guns.

I find it very rude for your sister to refuse to pronounce their names properly, especially considering all the history surrounding the treatment of French Canadians by English Canadians. There's already enough animosity, why add fuel to the fire, and within her own family at that! All she had to do is pronounce their names correctly. It's not like she has to make any sort of sacrifice.

Sorry this is getting me so riled up haha.

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Comment3: When I first heard how they pronounced Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, I wanted to scream hahahaha! That’s a very French name and it scorched my ears.
And I admit I never understood the how people came up with the pronounciation of Detroit. (In French, like it was originally, it’s day-tr-oo-ah)

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Comment4: Thank you for the update! And good on you for stepping back a bit - you don't need that energy, now or ever.
Et des bons voeux à toi et ta famille!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user throwawayaitawifey in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Oct 19, 2020

Update: Nov 9, 2020

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/AncillaryBreq for suggestion to BORU;
OOP used initials, replaced with names for easier read.

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Original: AITA for not siding with the other wives?

Obligatory throwaway because I don’t want this tied to my main account

Background: I’ve been with my husband for 6 years total, married for 2. We have no children and do not plan to.

My (27f) husband (32m) has a group of guys that he’s been friends with since elementary school. After college, they all moved back to the same area and several of them rented a house together until they started getting girlfriends and moving out. After they moved out, they still had guys’ night nearly every Friday until Covid happened.

They started back up a few months ago after restrictions in our area relaxed and the majority of the guys started getting tested regularly because of their jobs. There is one single guy (let’s call him “Brad”) left in the group and they meet at his house and hang out in the carport to drink a few beers and just shoot the shit.

I’ve never had a problem with my husband “Wade” going guys’ night. He gets off work at 5 and is usually home no later than 8 every Friday. He never drives home drunk, and if he ever does have a few too many, I don’t mind going to pick him up. (I feel like I should note that we live the farthest away from Brad’s house, about 15 minutes.

All the other guys live within walking distance of Brad). Usually I bake cookies or other snacks for him to take with him to share with the guys. I also don’t mind driving other the other guys home if needed. If we have plans or anything, he doesn’t go.

Since the guys’ night has resumed, the other wives have been complaining about it. We’re friendly, but none of us are really good friends like our husbands are. We’ve tried to have a girls’ night while the guys have their night but most of them have kids and we really don’t have anything in common outside of our husbands. It was just awkward.

One of the guys “Andy” is married to “Fiona” and they have a 1 year old baby. Fiona has been particularly vocal about not wanting Andy to be out every Friday, as she wants help at home. The other wives backed her up and started a group chat asking that we present a “united front” to cancel guys’ night.

Here’s where I may be the asshole. I refused to side with them. It gives me time to unwind after work and it’s become part of my routine. So when the other wives told their husbands that they didn’t want guys’ night to happen anymore, I told Wade that I didn’t feel the same way and he should keep going. He enjoys it and he should get to see his friends regularly.

So after the confrontation, the other guys started in with “Why can’t you be cool like Wade’s wife?” Or “She lets him go, she even makes us cookies and picks him up” etc. Andy apparently made the comment “I wish I was still single like Brad. He can do whatever he wants and I miss that”

All the other wives are pissed at me, saying if we had been a united front like they planned, guys’ night would either be cancelled or a less frequent occurrence (once a month). So am I the asshole?

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA
The wives are assholes.
The other guys are assholes.
But this is also coming after being together for 25 years. Back when we had little ones, I likely would have understood the wives' position more. Weekly might be a bit much. Why not every other week or once a month as a compromise?

Comment2: NTA, but I don’t necessarily think the wives are being assholes either. Unless the ones with kids are getting a night off as well, I totally see where they’re coming from and their husbands saying all that shit is just messed up. They’re the real assholes here.

Comment3: Its not the three hours that's the problem, its that the three hours are every Friday night and during the time when parents are normally busy with kid duties - homework, dinner, bathing, bed time, etc. Maybe the dads should go later, after the kids are in bed, or switch to every other week, so the moms get Friday night time too.

Comment5: NTA you all are just in different spots in life. Going out every week and leaving your wife and one year old at home is a dock move. Telling your husband that he should continue to see his friends while your get some much needed me-time is not.

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

OOP: The complaining didn’t start until after Covid restrictions lifted. I guess they got used to having the guys home every Friday during those few months. Before, it had been a standing weekly thing for nearly 10 years.

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OOP: I don’t doubt that raising children is hard. That’s why I have no intention of doing so. None of the moms are stay at home moms, including Andy. The kids go to daycare, school, or stay with grandparents. From what I can see, all the guys are attentive dads, but I’m not in their homes everyday so I can’t say for sure

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OOP: He doesn’t say I “let” him do anything. He knows this is a pet peeve of mine. We have an understanding that we are both adults and can do what we want. We are free to choose what we do but we always respect the other person. The other guys just view it as me “letting him” do things. Wade has never thrown me under the bus

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Update 0.5

Edit: Some info to clear up some assumptions I’m seeing in the comments..... All the wives work. I do not know if the moms get nights to themselves like the guys do. I do not know the details of their family dynamics. I do know all the wives have tried to have girls’ night amongst ourselves and it didn’t work because we have nothing in common.

I’m pretty sure all the wives have other friends but I do not know when/how often they do things outside of the home. I send cookies and treats because I make them for my blog, not just to make them for the guys. I did not respond to the original messages in the group chat. I found out that the wives confronted the guys, via my husband.

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Edit 2: WOW! I logged back on this morning and I was completely overwhelmed. This got way more attention than I was expecting! Thank you for the awards, I’ve never gotten Reddit awards before!

I showed this to my husband over breakfast this morning and his initial response was “so does this mean you’re Reddit famous?” lol But we agreed to read through the comments together tonight and try come up with a solution to help ease some tension in his friend group.

Thank you for all your input and apologies if I don’t respond to your messages/comments. I have a busy work day and like I said, I was completely overwhelmed by the response.

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Update (about a month later)

A lot has happened in the last 3 weeks, but I’m going to try to condense it for the the character limit.

After reading all the replies together, Wade and I decided it would be best for him to confront his friends, particularly Andy. He told them it wasn’t cool to try to throw me under the bus with their wives and that their wives, especially the ones with kids, need and deserve time to themselves too.

According to the guys, all the wives are getting time to themselves without the kids each week, with Andy’s wife Fiona getting the most time out of anyone. She works until 4, but doesn’t pick up their baby until 7 everyday. She has a workout class 3x/week and a standing girls’ night every Wednesday where she doesn’t come home until 10-11pm. (A picks up the baby on Wednesdays)

Wade and I held a brief, socially distanced get-together in our yard to clear the air. I confirmed what the guys had said about the wives getting time and the wives admitted that they do, whether is manicures, gym time, book club, etc. (That’s when I found out about Fiona’s social schedule) they then confirmed that all the guys were attentive and involved dads (Wade later told me he was sure his friends weren’t complete sh*tbags but was glad to have the reassurance)

Then it erupted into a fight between Andy & Fiona, with Andy saying he only gets one hour a week to himself since he gets off at 7 and is home by 8. Fiona broke down and started screaming that it wasn’t the time spent with his friends but his comments the following days.

She then turned on me, literally pointed and screamed that it was my fault. That during the lockdown, for the “first time in over 5 years”, she didn’t have to listen to Andy talk about me “all fucking weekend.” I was shell shocked and didn’t know what to say but Wade jumped in and told her she could not talk to me like that and she should probably leave before she said something she couldn’t take back.

Fiona left and Andy stayed. Afterwards, the other wives admitted they only agreed the ultimatum after Fiona relentlessly persuaded and pushed them into it. I have never seen this side of Fiona before so I had no idea she could be like this.

Andy has been sleeping at Brad’s house for almost 2 weeks now. He’s still been picking up/spending time with the baby, but he doesn’t sleep at his house. He says they’re going to try therapy, and if that doesn’t work, they’ll probably separate. As much as I dislike the guy, I feel bad for him.

Guys’ Night has resumed. I still send cookies, but Wade says he doesn’t bring me up and shuts the guys down if they try to talk about me.

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Comments:

Comment1: Damn, sounds like that marriage was over, but it’s still not your fault. I think you sound like the convenient excuse Fiona have to pick a fight

Comment2: It's def not OP's fault, but it does sound like Andy got a crush/infatuation with OP. Crushes happen, but the way to handle it is to distance yourself from the object of the crush, not to....talk about the crush all weekend to your partner and then be surprised when they act like an insecure psycho lol

>OOP: Honestly, I’ve never picked up a vibe that Andy has a crush on me. In fact, I’ve never really gotten the sense that he even likes me that much at all. When I met Wade, I was still in college and he would constantly make cracks about W “robbing the cradle” or make fun of me for trying to get a good pic of the 2 of us for Insta when we’d be out as a group.... just stuff like that.
Since he was one of Wade’s best friends, I tolerated him the best I could. Later, we find out we have similar tastes in movies, music, and books. We can generally be civil when we’re talking about that stuff so that’s all we really talk about if we have to be around each other.
Since he’s in the restaurant industry, he’s interested in my baking blog. I still don’t really like the guy, but we can hold conversation when we need to. Occasionally we will text each other book recommendations or to look up an artist’s new album. But that’s it.

Comment3: Restaurant industry. DING DING DING! You're basically the hot pastry chef that's off limits. I work in the industry. If your relationship isn't solid it's very easily eroded, and its even more difficult with a partner that works outside of the industry.

>OOP: I wish I was a pastry chef lol. I work in IT, so that’s why I do the blog in my spare time. They met when they were both working in a restaurant in college. She works for a bank now.

Comment4: To me it sounds like he is jealous of OPs relationship. He tries to talk about about said relationship "can we be like OP w relationship can you not argue like and be more like. Fiona thinks Andy will be unhappy and think that something better could be out there.

Comment5: Just to sum up your additions in the comments.

• Baby stays with their grandmas six days a week from 9-7
• Andy works food service and only has one day off per week
  • Sometimes days start at 6, others at 9
  • Andy also gets the one hour hangout
• Fiona doesn't cook
  • Nor clean, they have a cleaning lady for that
  • Andy either cooks or brings home food every day.
  • Doesn't breast feed (just to sum up so others don't have to go looking)
• Fiona pressured/bullied the other wives into joining her side where they were previously fine with the arrangement
  • She also has her own extracurriculars 4x a week including girls night.
  • Fiona also doesn't work weekends and one of those days is partially baby free since they're with grandma for at least part of the day
• Andy is still making time for his kid despite no longer sleeping at the house
• Also the baby is new, so this arrangement prior there would have likely been even more free time for Fiona.

Fiona has far more free time than Andy here (and before people come at me in the replies, a lot of them seem to be explicitly extracurricular), while trying to shut out one of the only times a week Andy gets to see his friends. This honestly sounds to me like an isolation tactic, using OP as an excuse (who's to say Fiona is telling the truth given that she bullied the other wives into agreeing?).

Plus I can understand to a point if Andy talked about OP, like "yo OP made the best cookies and Wade brought them with him to guys night last night, she's getting this recipe down," or "I totally have to ask OP for that recipe, you might like it Fiona." (Honestly if someone sent me free snacks each hangout to try, I'd be raving about it for days, especially if they're good or experimental.)

We don't know the context behind the Fiona's statement, other than that OP was brought up by Andy.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments