u/gardengeo

Originally posted by user Tiny-Plastic-8840 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 27, 2023

Update in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for allowing my son to watch a sea documentary?

Around a week ago, my son (9m) and I (36 f) were having a movie night because it was my day off and my husband (37m) was working   So to round it up, about last week my son and I were scrolling through movies and shows, and Our Planet came up. My son then told me he wanted to watch the episodes about the sea.  

My son watched it and seemed to enjoy it before going to sleep. My husband asked what I was seeing for movie night when he got home, so I told him what we had watched and we chatted about it for a while. I didn't really expect anything because he didn't look angry or irritated.

The day or 2 after, my kid enthusiastically told us that he no longer wanted to be a doctor and instead wanted to be a sea scientist (marine biologist) during breakfast. I was happy and gave him encouragement by talking about his potential and options. My husband attempted to be a little supportive, but he was a little stiff and cold.

After my son left for school, my husband told me that we shouldn't have watched the ocean documentary. When I was surprised and questioned why, he explained that he wanted our son to have a bright future and that I might have ruined it. Our son is on top of his grade and that I made him distracted to a honorable job.

He then said I would be responsible for crushing his dreams because he wouldn't pay any of the tuition. I argued that he was still only nine and that dreams can change. I also advised him to support whatever career path he chooses. We argued back and forth and I got caught up in the moment and screamed at him to leave.

He has been staying at his mother's house for a few days, and yesterday I received texts from his mother accusing me of attempting to destroy the lives of my husband and my kid.

I acknowledge that I was a bit dramatic and that I overreacted when I kicked him out, but I still disagree and will defend against what he said.

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA but this is less about the documentary, surely, than about kicking your husband out? All of this sounds like a nonsense fight. Who cares what their kid wants to be when aged 9? Your husband escalated by threatening your child’s future and that right there is kicking out territory. So NTA.

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Comment2: My husband wanted to be a fire truck when he grew up. He actually settled on being a computer programmer instead because dreams change. Especially when you're nine. It's ridiculous of your husband to assume his son knows with absolute certainty what he wants to be when he grows up when he's only nine. NTA

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Comment3: NTA. Kicking husband out is a bit dramatic but it stopped your boy from having to see arguing. No idea what he does for a living but he has to get HIS mother to fight his battles rather than discussing things with you?? Did she pick his career for him? He could be proud that instead of watching a cartoon, a fantasy film etc your son wanted to watch a documentary!

According to your husband your son cannot watch

• Pirates of the Caribbean in case he wants to become a pirate
• Any sports in case he wants to become a sportsman
• Super Mario in case he wants to become a plumber
• The Magician's Elephant in case he wants to become a zookeeper
• Peter & Wendy in case he wants to become well goodness knows what
• he cannot go to school in case he wants to become a teacher

>OOP: My husband has always been a bit traditional but I never expected this extent. But I do know his mom never liked me because of my ethnicity, hopefully we can work it out.
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Comment4: what ya’lls ethnicity?
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OOP: I’m Japanese and my husband is American

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Comment5: NTA, but having seen this dynamic firsthand, I truly feel sorry for your child, more than anything. If he doesn’t notice the dysfunction in your household now, he will soon enough.

>OOP: My brother was a gifted child and ended up getting lots of high expectations and eventually burned out. I’ve had lots of talks with him and that scenario happening to my son is one of the biggest nightmares of mine.
My son had problems with maths, which was completely normal. Came home with a 6/20 in math and he was disappointed and sad but we had a talk about what happened. Eventually had a talk how he needs to ask help and questions to his teachers or us. It turned out good.
After that my son and I has had lots of talks about whatever his grades are, it doesn’t define his abilities or worth. And that as long as he puts effort, his grades don’t matter.
I think seeing him not paying his education is a 50/50 chance but whatever he does I’ll be paying for it. Started saving and if not enough I’m happy enough to take on loans on behalf of my son.

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Comment6: If a divorce meant that he would grow up without a father that means the dad would be actively choosing not to be in his life. If you honestly think your husband would choose that (I might agree) I think you need to keep it in consideration

>OOP: 50/50, sorry for the rant but I think him defending his mother has been the main cause in this. He wasn’t this close minded before and the mom is definitely trying to separate us. If he doesn’t agree to couples therapy, I’d have to end it. 🤷‍♀️
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Comment7: If he wasn’t this close minded before, then when did it change? Unless I’m mistaken this appears to have gone on for some time and this was the breaking point. Has he always sucked up to his mother like this?
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OOP: Mother in law got mad before because I almost named my son that sounded Japanese and apparently I was “stealing” my husband.
Started a few months ago, his mom just got that tired of me and told me to go back to my country even though I’m literally a American citizen. Complained to my husband and he told me to brush it off but mom literally just forgot all morality and husband did nothing and defended her.
Mom most likely said I was a goldigger and other nonsense. Don’t think he believe it big tension just started to grow because I was a lot more quiet but still talked, it was obvious I was upset though.

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Comment8: ESH - When I was 9, I wanted to be a baseball player, a samurai warrior, President, a rockstar, an astronaut, time traveler, cowboy, one of the Three Amigos, pilot and a fireman. I was 9. It wasn't that important. Stop putting so much pressure and stress on that kid.

>OOP: I’m not expecting him to become a marine biologist, but I do expect my husband to encourage and support him.

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Update:

My husband and I are going to talk it through but I will apologize for sure for my behavior of kicking him out, my son doesn’t know anything about this.

(If anyone misread, I am not forcing or will ever force my son to be a marine biologist or any job just because of what he said at 9 years old.

I’ve had talks with him that whatever path he goes, I’ll be there for him.)

Edit: We’re going to couples counseling

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Comments:

Comment1: My love, growing up with dead beat father is a farrrrrrr better alternative than growing up with a controlling abusive one that sticks around….. just saying

>OOP: Yeah, I understand that. He agreed to couple counseling, so I think there is a possibility this can work out.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

https://preview.redd.it/tfpi9ddhpgrh1.png?width=840&format=png&auto=webp&s=962a67ce1b298f5d6153911b63b45ef0145284e4

So the dizi seems to be finding its groove and I enjoyed ep 3 (compared to last week, which was so-so). At least for now, I feel like this is a dizi I might keep watching.

-- I really like that Leyla's motivations are far bigger than being reunited than Mirza. It is about solving a murder and in order to do that, she needs to get proof. There is a seven year gap and she only knows parts of the puzzle. She knows Mama Vulsat was involved and Faysal is seemingly dead. So without some proof, she can't randomly say her side. No one, especially Mirza, is going to believe. Hence, she is asking for time.

-- I like that Mirza is neither blind nor stupid to the vipers at home. He doesn't trust blindly to what folks say and now that emotions are not as high, he is starting to see that many aspects of Leyla don't make sense. How did she meet Nadim? Why was Faysal connected? What is Leyla holding back and why? So while he is asking these questions, he is also getting frustrated and is wondering if she is playing him. Why does she need time? Once he realizes that she isn't there to just toy with his emotions, he is going to be as focused as her in digging up the pandora's box

-- It is good that Leyla shared what happened with her father and she has her grandmother's house to stay in. Rather than vipers house, she has her own place to run to even if in ruins. Her brother popping in secretly to help was nice but there are conflicted loyalties he has to balance with his mom and Destan. So unpredictable which side he will roll.

-- Yaman seems to be an interesting character and I liked that he was the one who took Leyla to the house to stop the wedding. So it will be interesting to see what kind of dynamic he develops with her. Mihre and him seem to have a lot of backstory and we don't know why he is blaming the death of his brother on Mirza. So what happened there? Given that Mihre's daughter is a transplant match for his son, are the twins actually his? Did Mihre marry Faysal because she was pregnant?

-- It was a bit of a surprise to see that Mama Vulsat was 100% involved in the murder. Most likely, Faysal is not dead and will pop up later? Now why would she get Leyla trafficked? If papa could die, why not just kill Leyla? This house seems to be full of secrets. I like that the servants are not blindly keeping quiet out of loyalty but rather because they want to save their own skin. So Ceci is able to quickly infer that lot more happened than what Destan was saying. However, like Leyla, no one wants to open their mouth unless they feel safe.

-- While I didn't pay any attention to the bead seller in the previous two episodes, I was really struck by his interaction with Huma in this one. Those scenes and the dream had a very mystical quality and made the drama feel more like adaption of a novel or myth but set in modern times. I sort of like that vibe that not all is as it seems.

So how did folks find this week? Feel free to share your impressions.

https://preview.redd.it/dje88omex8qh1.png?width=840&format=png&auto=webp&s=0f4c32e1faf48821d1294bb204f03d408d45d53d

So I was hoping someone would post about this dizi so I can comment. Are there English message boards for dizis (like MDL) where you can just read the comments and thoughts? I miss those type of forums.

Anyways, here are some thoughts after watching ep 2:

-- am not sure what to make of this dizi and whether I will continue watching. On one hand, I get that Leyla is traumatized and is not really thinking at all. One moment, she is rocking herself back and forth trying to gather her thoughts, another, she is jumping on Mirza thinking he is going to take her back and the next, she is refusing to answer any of his questions. It is difficult to watch such a chaotic character.

-- It was a bit of a shocker to find out that Mama Vulsat was totally involved in kidnapping debacle. Did she plan the whole thing? Did she get papa murdered and then pin it on Leyla? It really sounds that way from the flashback where she was threatening Leyla. How far was her scheming and what does she hope to gain? Anyone else wondering if there is a birth secret with Mirza or is Vulsat just a narcissist who thinks she is god?

-- So it seems that Leyla is petrified that Mirza would take away Huma if she revealed the truth but I wanted to facepalm when she denied it was his daughter. Can we blame the guy for wanting to walk away? Right now, Leyla does feel like a toxic ex who randomly waltzed in and thinks she can just pick up from 7 years ago.

-- Dislike Mihre and found myself nodding when her son said that she made stupid choices all her life. Yaman's son is in hospital struggling for his life and somehow she expects him to overlook that and forgive her daughter? Not one word about how his son is doing and instead, it is all herself. UGH. such selfishness. She obviously had a hand in the kidnapping and so why is she threatening Destan and Vulsat? Does she think that she is innocent? It is strange to think that everyone in Mirza's family are all vipers. Where did he come from??

-- Given it is a nest of vipers, why would Leyla declare that she is Mirza's wife and walk in to that house? Is it revenge? romance reset? safe haven? What would be her motivations? Mirza agreeing to marry Leyla just to get her and Huma out was good twist but it seems his sympathy is limited.

Thoughts if you have watched.

Originally posted by user MinnLovesTheSceneryy in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Aug 22, 2025

Update: Aug 26, 2025

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA if I expose my mom’s money problems to my dad after she spent my tuition?

Hi, this is my first post so sorry if it's a bit messy.

I (20F) have always supported my mom (43F), even financially, and I usually try to understand her side. My dad (44M) works overseas and sends money twice a month for groceries, bills, and school. He usually sends it to my mom, who then distributes it.

Earlier this month, my dad came home after working abroad for six months. He had all our expenses mapped out, including my tuition since I'm an incoming second-year aeronautical engineering student (which is really expensive where I live). He gave my mom around $1,000 for my enrollment fee (and that is like 60% of the whole tuition fee).

What my dad didn’t know was that I still had a $350 balance from my previous semester. My mom used part of the $1,000 for that balance, and I agreed not to tell my dad because I trusted she'd figure out a way to cover the rest.

Fast forward to last week: I finished my documents, reserved my enrollment, and was waiting for the tuition payment. That's when I found out my mom had already used the remaining money for reasons she won't explain. She’s been trying to recoup it, but nothing has come through. Prior to that, she told me she'll never touch my enrollment money since it'll be hard to recover.

Today is the last day of late enrollment. If my tuition isn't paid by 6 PM, I lose my slot. I've already missed two weeks of classes (including major and lab subjects) and I completely broke down.

I told my mom I'm tired of always having to compromise because she borrows or misuses money. I told her if this continues, I'll have no choice but to tell my dad everything: not just about my tuition, but also about her gambling and borrowing habits I've helped cover up for years.

The problem is, if I tell him, my parents will have a huge fight and he'll never trust her with money again. But I'm exhausted, and now my education is on the line.

AITA if I finally tell my dad the truth?

TL;DR: Dad gave my mom $1,000 for my college enrollment. She used part of it to pay my previous semester's balance and spent the rest for unknown reasons. Now I'm about to lose my slot because tuition isn't paid, and I'm considering telling my dad the truth about her money mismanagement and gambling, even though it'll cause a huge fight. AITA?

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Comments:

Comment1: Tell your dad. It sounds like she may have a gambling addiction. Either way, it’s financial abuse imo. Your dad has a right to know what’s happening with their money and to not be lied to.

>OOP: I actually considered telling him multiple times, but I'm just afraid of what the consequences will be as the last time this happened, they had a huge fight and dad wanted an itemized list of expenses. It was only recently he went lax and this is what happens

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Comment2: First of all im sorry your on this situation. Honestly I know its difficult supporting someone when you know you shouldn't. I've been here. I dont think your mom will pay until thd deadline. And even if she will what about next semester? Or something else important.

Your nta for telling your dad but your one for not telling him sooner. If he finds out you covered for your mom he might be mad at you too. ( rightly so). Be completely honest to him and prepare for a changed relationship with both parents

>OOP: Ngl, she already did this too last year, even using the money I earned from doing art commissions to lay her debts (the only time I managed to use that money for myself was when I bought a gaming keyboard).
I didn't really tell him at first since before she managed to recover it. It's just now that I can't really tolerate it now because I benefited from it before though I know my faults

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Update 0.25:

Update: my mom threatened me by saying if I tell my dad, there would be a huge fight and they might separate. And that dad won't want to see mom again

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Comment3: Won’t your dad ask why you didn’t enroll? Seems like you have no choice but to tell him

>OOP: He doesn't know I'm still not enrolled because to be enrolled I need to pay the downpayment first (which my mom currently holds)
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Comment3: At some point he’s going to figure it out if you fall behind.
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OOP: I'm already behind by two weeks... 🥹
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Comment4: Tell your father! NOW!
Get off Reddit and call your father!!!

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Comment5: NTA. Losing your spot in your program is a big deal. It’s clear that your mother’s problem has outgrown her ability to deal with it. I don’t really see another option here that doesn’t risk destroying your future. She has broken your father’s trust and harmed you. He needs to know.

>OOP: I actually gave her until 5 pm to settle it. Though Idk if she'll be able to. I just wanna cry thinking about it

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Comment6: He's going to find out either way, you may as well tell him while you still have the chance to enroll.
You should also call the school finance department and see if they'll be lenient due to extenuating circumstances.
Also, your mom is an asshole.

>OOP: The thing is whenever we reserve enrollment, we are given a week to settle it, and today marks the last day to settle it
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Comment6: Yes. But often, if you contact school finance, they will allow additional time for extenuating circumstances. But you have to actually ask them.
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OOP: I did ask them about that last semester, but they said they can't do anything as everything is automated by the system (their words)

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Comment7: Why can’t your dad just pay the tuition himself directly? Does it have to be paid in cash and/or in person?

>OOP: Can be paid online, but I think it's because he has to register an international number then link my school for payment and he is the type that doesn't want to bother with those things so he sends the money to mom who usually budgets it

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Comment8: Covering for her is enabling her. If you want to help her, tell your father and both of you can get her into gambling or shopping addiction therapy. 

Going forward your father and you should be in charge of money. 

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Update 0.5

Another update for y'all:

Dad was doing his medical earlier and contract signing hence why I wasn't able to tell him (didn't wanna talk about it on the phone).

The moment he got home, I immediately told him about the situation, and while he was not mad at me, I could sense his disappointment which I understand. I explained the whole situation and after that, he went to confront my mom via call (since we're in the city and my mom is at our hometown).

After a bit of grilling, mom eventually confessed that aside from using the money to pay back the money she owed other people, she did use some for gambling in hopes of having a higher return (which unfortunately did not happen).

They had a talk about it (I could sense that dad was holding back) and dad is now requesting a list of all the people she owed and how much though she has yet to reply. Dad also managed to find a way to get the funds for my enrollment.

Fortunately, it didn't become a reason for them to separate though he has told me that he'd be sending the money directly to us (my siblings and I) from now on, especially our allowances. I have no idea regaridng the bills and groceries.

Anyway, thank you all so much for your insights as it helped me make the right choice (which I did and hopefully it helps mom to overcome her gambling and tendency to borrow from other people). I'd be reporting to school tomorrow and appeal if they could still slip me in an available slot and will update!

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[mom's gambling]
OOP: Before covid though it wasn't like this. It was only after covid that money problems started happening (she borrowed money from online lending apps who have a huge interest and harassment) since she had covid and things went down from there

OOP: The income was more than what our family needed, with a few excess for personal spending or such. But the reason why it doesn't seem so enough is because she's been using our budgets to pay the money she borrowed. And hence why I'm having this problem now

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[regarding university fees]
OOP: Oh that's only the downpayment. My entire school year would cost around $2500 give or take.

In any case, I already told dad and he decided he'd be the one sending the money directly to us instead rather than letting my mom budget. We're only like a middle family that earns more than the usual so there's that.

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OOP: Already told dad about it, and I think they'll have a long talk once he goes back to our hometown (I study in the city 3-4 hours from there).

But yeah he drcided he'd be sending the money directly now instead of letting mom handle it (aside for groceries since my siblings are still young to do so, and he's back to work next month)

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Update (4 days later)

Hello again and I do apologize if it took a while for the update.

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their responses as it helped me see that my mom's behavior should have never been allowed to continue. I fully accept the criticisms about me and I know my wrongdoings.

Second, I told my dad about the situation, and while he was mad at first for me not telling him earlier (well, not the angry type but disappointed type), he managed to find a way to secure the funds for my tuition fee.

I also managed to get enrolled just this Saturday though I missed 2 weeks worth of lessons as well as an assessment. I spent the following days sending emails to my professors so I could catch up.

Dad had a bit of talk with mom through a video call since mom is currently in our hometown while my dad and I are in the city (I study in the city while my dad was here for his documents and medical). He pressed on questioning her until it was revealed that she gambled the money in hopes of getting a high return to pay the money she owes to various people, as well as return the money that was supposed for my education.

Now, some of you might be wondering why my dad would finance my college. I am actually from the Philippines so culture here is a bit different as there would be parents who would work so they can send their kids to college and my dad happens to be one of those.

Anyway, I also told dad about the money she owed to my friends as well and he found himself questioning why mom would borrow money when he would sent most of his salary to us (which is admittedly more than enough if there had been no loans to pay).

Since then, however, my younger sister told me that mom seemed... Down. Like she has no fight left in her and gave up completely. She was unusually quiet too. I have no idea what else is happening since she hasn't talked to me or dad ever since.

I did send a message to my mom explaining why I did what I did and I do ask about her to my siblings since she had deactivated her account. Hopefully, when she comes here to the city to switch with my dad (who will then look after my siblings before he has to work again), we can at least bring back some of that bond we had before the entire fiasco happened.

Once again, thank you all so much for the kind and warm reception toward my dilemma and I hope that none of you will go through what I experienced.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user JynxMama in r/ weddingshaming

Original: Sept 9, 2025

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: Help, the moms of the bride and groom are cc’ing me on their war over the invitations

I run a small graphic design business. Weddings are easily my best-paying gigs and also the ones that make me question my life choices. About 70% of couples are totally fine, and then there is that 30% that makes me want to give it all up and become a greeter at Walmart. Today’s situation is shaping up to be one of those.

This morning I got an email from “Lisa” (bride’s mom, fake name, don’t come at me). She had seen my work from another wedding and asked about packages, dates, etc. I sent her my intro email and standard questionnaire, which covers things like what they need, their aesthetic, and names of the wedding party, etc. I do not give quotes until I get that back.

Not even an hour later, I got another email from someone else asking about the exact same date. Same process: I sent my intro email and the questionnaire.

I went out for a walk, came back, and my inbox had turned into a dumpster fire. It seems both “Lisa” and “Betty” (the groom’s mom) are trying to hire me for the same wedding. That's fine, but they both have strong opinions about what is supposed to happen, and instead of privately hashing this out, they decided to copy me on their argument.

The questionnaire asks for correct spellings of the wedding party’s names. This somehow spiraled into an all-out war about whose name should go first on the invitation. Groom’s mom says since they are paying for more, the groom’s name should be first. Bride’s mom is horrified because “tradition.”

For the record, I never asked who goes first. I just follow the traditional format unless it is a same-sex union, where I ask. But now both moms are mad at me because they demanded I settle the argument, and I politely suggested maybe they leave me out of it.

This is just the invitations. Good grief, I can't imagine how stressful the rest of this wedding is going to be.

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Comments:

Comment1: It’s so weird that happy couple hasn’t contacted you themselves. Are they aware that mums are planning a wedding???

>OOP: Honestly, it's not as weird as you might think. This is not the first (nor do I think it will be the last) time someone besides the bride has contacted me. I had a granny hire me once, and she was hysterically funny to work with.
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OOP: She was in her 80s and knew all the family tea and enjoyed sharing said tea. She and the bride were extremely close and it was the perfect example of how these 3rd party orders can and should go. Ended up doing multiple jobs for her before she passed including a couple more weddings.

Comment2: I’d have a policy of only dealing with the bride and groom, and not their mother’s. For all you know, she’s already got the invitations handled.

>OOP: I would say 80% of the people who contact me are either the bride or the groom, but it really isn't uncommon for someone else to contract me. A lot of times, my services are given as a gift so they are the first to contact me and go through the bid process.
While weddings are not my bread and butter, they are one of the more lucrative lines I offer. I live/work in an area where over-the-top weddings with all of the trimmings are the norm.

Comment3: I’m in an adjacent business- almost all B2B. I’ll do stuff for non business functions once in a while but have a hard NO on weddings. Because I don’t want to question my life choices.

>OOP: I feel you. Every time I say this is my last wedding, I have a great experience, and then my dumb ass does it again.
But some of my corporate clients are just as crazy. I had a well-regarded law firm in our area that was rebranding, and I did their new package. Up until the day we went to press, they were still making tiny insignificant revisions that COST THEM MONEY because they were outside the scope of the contract. There was a dot in the logo that went through 6 revisions, and they finally decided on the original version.
But they didn't dispute the bill so there's that.

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UPDATE: The saga continues… kind of.

Yesterday afternoon I sent out my standard “sorry, I won’t be able to work with you on this project” email to both moms. Since I work in a pretty niche area, the email basically says, “Due to scheduling issues, I can’t take on your wedding, but here are some vendors who might be able to help.”

Now, I keep two versions of that vendor list. One is the “A-list” of people I personally know the quality of their work and would vouch for their professionalism and creativity. The other is more of a “good luck, godspeed” list with places like Vistaprint and Etsy. I’ll let you guess which one they got.

After sending, I wrote a quick Outlook rule to shuttle their emails into a folder, then moved on with my day. Okay, I also shared the story with you guys, but then I really did go back to work.

Fast forward to this morning. I’m drinking my coffee, scrolling through your comments, and I decide to peek at that folder. Seventeen new emails. Seventeen.

And because I’m nosy, of course I read them. Here are a few gems:

• Groom’s Mom: “You don’t understand how this works; I pay, and I get what I want.”
• Bride’s Mom: “But it’s tradition.” (She wrote this nine times.)
• Groom’s Mom: “Nobody knows your name; they know ours.” (I don’t know them either, but sure, okay.)
• Bride’s Mom: “Where is this girl? She should be answering our questions!” (For the record, “this girl” is a 58-year-old professional who owns a business. Thanks for the respect.)

There was also some very creative name-calling that I won’t repeat here.

Before anyone asks, I won’t be responding to that email chain. Confidentiality is part of what I promise to clients, but that only starts after a signed contract. If you act a fool before that, well… the internet gets the story.

At this point I just hope the couple cuts the cords, grabs a ladder, and elopes. I don’t know either of these families personally, so this is probably where my updates end.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user ebrockfake in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Sept 6, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/jackieatx for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITAH for not caring about my dad’s feelings at my toddler’s birthday?

My daughter (2F) had her birthday today at a local playground. My dad (74M) along with her other grandparents, helped out with setup and made it feel special. When we came back to my house afterwards, he brought his dog.

He loves this dog. It is poorly trained and struggles with not barking, especially at my house (we have a cat). It’s OK for the first couple hours, then when we’re starting to sit down to pizza, he barks right next to my daughter. She gets upset and starts crying.

I (36F, 9mos pregnant) ask my dad to take the dog away. He doesn’t right away, so my mom (73F, who my daughter adores) instead leaves to take the dog home. They’re temporarily renting a place that’s a 10m walk away, to help out with childcare needs — it’s incredibly generous.

So the situation becomes:
- Daughter didn’t eat because she got upset, and needs a lot of care and attention after being scared.
- I have just lost a key person (my mom) who could have helped my daughter feel better.
- I’m very pregnant and hosting a party at my house, and have limited energy and attention to give.

My dad first spends time negotiating how we could have locked my cat away so the dog could stay. Then pivots to feeling hurt because it seems like I’m blaming him for my daughter’s experience.

Finally gets upset, visibly teary, and (to my very pregnant and tired self, while I’m holding a still-upset and concerned toddler on my hip who is confused about everything going on but knows she’s not getting attention) says, “I feel like you don’t care about my feelings.”

I rolled my eyes, and said, “Who’s the two year old here?”

He stormed out. My mom later came back to the party, was amazing with my daughter, but also told me he’s very upset and feeling unvalued. I’m going over tomorrow morning to try to talk it through.

Am I the asshole if I stick to my guns on: No, dad, I maybe said it more cruelly than I should have, but I didn’t care about your feelings… and I think it’s absurd for you to think I should? It feels like a tough thing to say when they’re doing a lot, but it also feels absurd to me that the emotions of a healthy adult man would be a priority in that moment.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Your dad doesn't get to come to your house and make demands. Is he saying his dog's well-being is more important than his granddaughters'? At any point, did he check in on her or did he focus on his feelings only?

>OOP: Such a good question — and no, he made a concerned face but he didn’t check in on her or try to make her feel better, which didn’t occur to me but now is kind of nuts to say.

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Comment2: NTA. Dad was not an AH initially for bringing the dog - just unthinking or naive - but he definitely was an AH making it all about him when his dog caused a situation. Hurt feelings aren't a reason to mollycoddle someone in the wrong.

>OOP: It’s a good distinction between the original choice to bring the dog vs. how he responded when there was an issue…

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Comment3: I feel like in reality it's impossible to say who was the AH is the situation without being there. In theory it's your place and you make yourself sound in the right. In reality with your daughter getting upset to the point of not eating and your father crying, I'd question how you handled the situation and wonder what was the real source of stress in the situation-the dog or your behavior

>OOP: This is thoughtful. So you’re saying the level of escalation (daughter upset, dad upset) makes you think I might have been adding to the stress, rather than fixing it, and I could be the asshole for that reason?

>I did push on “Is mom coming back? Why didn’t you take the dog?” And “Why didn’t we take dog back earlier?” And I didn’t say, “Anyway, moving on!” and gone into distraction/entertainment mode, pretending nothing happened, which probably would have made him and my daughter both feel better even if it would require more from me.
That might make me the asshole.

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Comment4: I think this is important context that was missing in your post OP. These little passive aggressive remarks can get very frustrating and upsetting when you’re on the receiving end of them.

My honest opinion is everyone here deserves some grace. Your 70 year old parents moved and rented a place next to you to help with childcare and you’re 9 months pregnant and exhausted.

Children have big reactions because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet. You should always validate their feeling, but you should react proportionately according to the situation not their feelings. I’m not trying to lecture you at all btw, I’ve just noticed that children whose parents react like that tend to have better emotional regulation.

>OOP: I’ll sit with whether I was being passive aggressive — my intent was to truly respond honestly with my open questions and feelings when he was saying things like “We should have locked the cat up” or “I don’t think it was fair for dog to go.”

>But I wonder if because I was keeping a level tone and in between trying to support my daughter, I might be THINKING I was managing it with grace, but that’s my tone/context eliding what were really unkind words on my part.

>And I’ll think more about the piece of validating feelings but responding proportionately. Maybe I was overprotective. He’s barked and made her cry before and I didn’t demand he leave… it being her birthday made it feel especially unfair for him to stay, though?

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Comment5: “I don’t think it was fair that the dog had to go”
The only response I can think of, and I hope it was true, is that “the dog was never invited/the dog was invited to stay in the backyard only”. The cat lives there, the dog does not.

If your dad is not always this emotional, something might be going on and I would come at it from a place of curiosity. If he is always like this about the dog, it’s time to set a boundary of the dog can’t come to your house (when there are a lot of people/when there is a big event/when you say so) if banning the dog means your dad won’t come.

>OOP: He never asked — I was as surprised as anyone when he showed up with the dog.
I think you’re right re: place of curiosity. I’ll start today by just asking him more about how he was feeling first, I think.

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Comment6: Maybe I'm looking at it with a bias of my own past household. But from my own childhood -parents emotions have much bigger influence on children than outside factors. A yapping dog is more annoying than scary.

A parent that is angry, raises voice contributes to stress more than an animal unless we're talking about actually dangerous aggressive dog that threatens the child but I didn't get the impression that's the case. And if we add a crying adult -that makes me think that your desire to make the day perfect and stress because of the imperfection that was the dog made you the source of mounting tention and negative emotions

>OOP: This is fair! You’re right that if my biggest goal is my daughter feeling safe, happy and cared for on her birthday, I probably should have mental-noted that we need to hash it out about this later, but not let us fall into discussing it in the moment.

>I think I was just feeling emotionally/physically tapped in a way that made it hard to simultaneously rise up above him being (IMO) selfish and go into “one woman show” mode to soothe my daughter at the same time, but that’s not an excuse…

>I think you’re right that a frustrated and distracted parent is the most stressful thing for a kid and I need to remind myself of that in the moment and just make things better for her, regardless of how much I wish people were behaving differently or helping.

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Comment7: You say your parents who are in their 70s uprooted their lives and are renting a place near you to help with YOUR childcare needs. Your dad helped with arrangements to make the day special for your child. Your mom is your major support system. If the only thing you needed to do was to keep the cat in, you should have done it.

You have two people who are strongly supporting you in your difficult times. If you insist on doing everything your way and being abrasive when this doesn't happen, this support system may not last long.

To me, it would make more sense to acknowledge what they are doing for you and give them some grace for some of the things that do not go as per your expectations. YTA.

>OOP: This is part of why I wanted to bring it here to get people’s take — I think something I’m figuring out is: Is the level of care/sacrifice they’re making something that means I should look the other way whenever their actions (or really my dad’s — I can’t imagine my mom ever doing anything like this) cause stress or anxiety for me or my daughter?

>It’s not a trick question, I’m really trying to figure it out! I keep thinking of ways he could have handled it differently (brought the dog back the first time he started barking and checked in periodically on him; left the party when it was clear dog wouldn’t behave if the dog really does need nonstop attention; jumped in to help console and care for my daughter once she got upset rather than litigating it) but if the end thing is: They’re doing so much, suck it up and it’s an asshole move to ask more of them, then I need to ground myself in that.

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Update:

Thanks everyone who chimed in with thoughtful perspectives here. My dad and I just had a good heart-to-heart where we agreed…

- For them moving here to be really helpful, he needs to transition into what he called “grandpa mode” — he literally wasn’t clocking that my daughter wasn’t eating, was really upset, and needed attention that his dog concerns were distracting from, and he was really sad to hear it.

(I literally cannot grasp how he didn’t see her crying on my hip while he was trying to tell me about his dog, but I believe him.) He was upfront that he’s going to need to actually remind himself that being here to help means prioritizing looking to her and proactively helping take care of her needs.

- He was still expressing hurt I didn’t seem to care about his emotions in the moment, and I stood my ground that when my daughter is crying and looking to me for help, she takes priority. It was helpful for him to hear that I really do care about his feelings — I just couldn’t attend to them in that moment.

- We agreed it was mean and disrespectful of me to say the two-year-old comment.

- We agreed we’re both relying way too heavily on my mom to see what needs to be done and doing it (for me, their granddaughter, the dog) and that’s not sustainable.

He says he wants to do a better job of being more helpful with supporting my toddler and taking things off her plate, and I’m going to try to be explicit and give more space for him to try (instead of calling in my mom all the time) while he’s figuring it out.

- In the next few months where they’re here to help with toddler & newborn, we decided it doesn’t make sense for the dog to be at my house for more than a short visit (for the sake of the dog’s stress as well as ours), and we need to communicate proactively when he’ll be there so we can make sure it’s something we can supervise closely and/or sequester the cat as needed for.

All in all, I think we landed in a good place where I’m feeling just really grateful for all the support they’re giving and I think he’s feeling more clear on what providing support looks like (and feeling more valued for what they’re doing). Thanks for the help, all.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user __Sunshine_27 in r/ AITAH

Original: March 27, 2026

Update: Aug 21, 2026

Status: concluded

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Original: WIBTAH if I chose college over my boyfriend

I (f18) have been dating my bf (m18) for almost two years. We’re seniors and as soon as the year started we started having arguments about college. I have an older sister who studies in the other side of the country and I’ve always been inspired by her and wanted to do the same.

we have a university near (3 hours car ride) our home town (we live in a small town and our region doesn’t have many opportunities opposed to other parts of our country) and many of our peers choose it because it’s not that bad, it’s close and familiar.

He wants to go there for economic reasons, all his friends want to go there as well. I’ve always dreamt of going to college far from home in a bigger city and study medicine ( in my country medicine is hard to get into and there’s the possibility to be assigned a different location from the one you picked if your score isn’t high enough) even though i haven’t decided which one yet.

The problem is he finds me selfish for wanting to go far away when I could try medicine in the local university and be with him, I tried visiting it but I just hated the idea of going there. He says I don’t love him as much as he does but it isn’t true, I just can’t betray myself in favour of us.

I don’t want to break up with him but it seems inevitable, what can i do? He says I’m dumb for not considering us and going somewhere I wouldn’t even be sure I’ll like (i told him i hated the college when I visited it and something just fell wrong and he told me that’s not an excuse) , he says I would be alone, far away from him and probably sad.

He told me he had a plan for us: going to college together, graduating, finding a good job that allows us to travel and living together and that that would not be possible if i move. So would I be the asshole? Am I seeing things from the wrong perspective?

EDIT: the local university is well liked and considered a good one but I really don’t want to stay in this part of the country

I tried visiting the uni but i didn’t like the structure of it and the fact that it’s in a small town no everything relevant is in the campus but there’s almost nothing cool or fun in the city. I feel like in a big city opportunities are unlimited and I can find fun things to do outside campus

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Please choose college over your boyfriend.

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Comment2: Agreed, OP I’ve been married to my High School sweetheart for 34 years.
We went to college 1000 miles away from each other.

And we didn’t bend over backwards to be with each other when we weren’t in school either. We spent Summers and breaks traveling with friends, interning , taking classes whatever.

And, this was before cellphones and email so apart really meant apart.
We didn’t just survive it, we thrived.

Go live your life, you won’t regret it.

>OOP: thank you for this, I feel like he thinks we won’t survive long distance, when we talked he let me intend that if I don’t pick the local college we will break up.

>He told me: “we can’t even spend two weeks apart without feeling bad, how can we spend years far away from each other?” and he says I’m hurting his feelings by talking about colleges far away and that he would never do that to me but if I were in his place I would never ask him to pick me.

>He says that since I haven’t decided which college I want to go to I don’t really have a dream and I could be happy there with him if i just tried and if I thought about it without prejudice.

>He told me he would suffer in silence and let me go if I wanted to study something that’s not in the local college but since medicine (or chemistry if I don’t get in) can be studied at the local uni there’s no reason to not picking it and I’m complicating my life on purpose

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Comment3: Why do you have to stay local? I mean, why can't he go to the college of your choosing? If you love him enough to stay, shouldn't he love you enough to go with?

Don't sacrifice your future for him as he only wants to not upset HIS plans. He is not taking you into consideration at all. If it were me, I'd break up with him and go have all the fun in the world while getting an education of my choosing.

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Comment4: Do you really want to sacrifice your dreams for a bf whose first response to not getting his way is to manipulate you/guilt trip you?

Not what does this mean for us or any statement focusing on what you might want or need. His only thought is I'm not getting what I wanted.

Go to your college.

>OOP: Thank you for this, I feel like he only want’s to be with me if i pick what he wants, he says we will not survive long distance

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Comment5: NTA "I just can't betray myself in favor of us" is the most common sense, adult statement I've heard from an 18 year old in a long time. You obviously have goals and dreams that you aspire to achieve. Don't let him hold you back, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

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Update

Ok so it’s been six months since my original post and things have changed quite a bit for me. I want to thank everyone that took the time to comment and give me advice. I read every single comment, my mind was kinda made up but hearing my friend’s advice and seeing so many people agreeing with them truly opened my eyes.

I broke up with him a month after my post, on the first hour of a 7 hour bus ride, college wasn’t the only thing we had problems with and while arguing something just snapped.

Things haven’t exactly been easy for me and there was a short period of time where I thought about going back, he knew we had problems too and he doesn’t want to get back together either, but deep down I know this is for the best, even if part if me still loves and cares about him deeply.

I got into chemical engeneering in my first choice college but I will still try medicine first, both of these are in a big city (the same as my sister, YAY), starting next week my life will be totally different and I can’t wait, thank you for all the comments and the great advice!

TL;DR: I broke up with him and got into my dream college

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Gress9

Original: Dec 17, 2025

Update: Jan 24, 2026

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

Note: thanks to u/Ok-Strawberry-9991 for suggestion to BORU;
OOP posted in r/ auslegal (the legal sub for Australia)

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Original: Someone paved my driveway

Today I came home from work to discover someone has repaved my little driveway, I haven't authorized or hired anyone to fix any issues.

I live in a townhouse, I have a small paved driveway going into my garage, it's only 500mm by maybe 2400mm, it was slightly damaged from use, today I arrive home from work to see someone had dug up the pavers, leveled the earth, laid gravel and re paved, it was a professional job for sure.

So here's the sticky part, I haven't asked anyone to fix it, it's on private property, there is no evidence of any sort of damage, like a burst water pipe causing sa water to rip up my pavers, none of my neighbors are home at the moment to ask anything, and the job is not finished, there is still a large chunk of my walkway not paved and no finishing sand etc.

As thrilled as I am to have my little driveway fixed, I am dubious of a tradesmen knocking on my door asking for money, I'm not really in any position to pay this poor bastard who worked in 35 degree weather.*

What do I do? I have contacted sapol* and I have a referral number, any advice welcome

Tldr: came home from work, someone repaired and repaved my drive, I haven't hired or authorized anything, job isn't finished

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* Notes:
temp in celcius (95°F); Christmas is sunny in southern hemisphere
South Australia Police

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Comments:

Comment1: Was there a chance the was a water leak or NBNCo* connection that required the drive to be dug up and as part of that they’ve replaced it but maybe the paperwork notifying you got lost in the mail.
[* broadband service]

The council did it for us due to gas lines requiring replacement.

>OOP: Possibly, no letters have been left and no signs of damage

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Comment2: That’s a really odd situation, but you’ve done the right first step by contacting police and getting a reference number. In Australia, you generally don’t have to pay for work you didn’t authorise, even if it’s on your property and even if it benefits you.

>OOP: I will however have to pay for finishing the job if the magic paver Santa doesn't tomorrow

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Comment3: If you did not ask for the work and genuinely did not know the work was being undertaken, then you have no obligation to pay for the work. A rare case where the enrichment is not unjust. This does not preclude you from paying a gratuity to the contractor, if he/she comes knocking.

>OOP: This is my worry, I'm not in any position to pay much at all, especially this close to Christmas, on top of that the job isn't finished meaning I cannot get my 4wd out of my garage and it would be on me to finish the job paying for supplies and labor

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Comment4: The situation described by the OP falls under the law of equity. Notwithstanding there is no formal or informal contract, a person would ordinarily be required to make restitution for the ‘enrichment’ received at the expense of the other party. The law sees this as being ‘fair’.

However, where the principal party has not asked for the ‘enrichment’ and is unaware that the ‘enrichment’ is being undertaken, then one of the necessary limbs for restitution has not been fulfilled.

Additionally (in this case), the OP already had paving … so what is the ‘enrichment’ when that paving is simply replaced? In my view, there has not been an enrichment. Effectively, the new (and incomplete) paving is ‘like for like’ - so OP has no liability to pay any restitution.

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Comment5: If I fucked up and paved the wrong place I'd be way to embarrassed to go back and ask for money specially for a small job like that....

Person who was meant to get it done no doubt will let them know.

Doubt you will hear anymore once they work it out.

>OOP: I don't even know who did it, I assume tradie because of work quality, even if this was the case I'm still up for finishing the job, bags of sand and labor fall on me, it's a sloped surface with a small 10mm gap at he bottom edge and top edge do I just pack that with sand and hope the pavers hold?

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Comment6: Don’t be home tomorrow, and cross your fingers they comeback to finish the job?

>OOP: That's all I can do, I'll be at work

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Update 0.5

To answer some common questions, I am the sole owner, no it's not common ground it's private property, no body corp, no strata,* my house was built with fibre to the premise so no nbn*

Update, 17th December, unfortunately the paving secret Santa did not return

Final update 18th December, my paving secret Santa came back and finished the job, it's a really nice job

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* Notes:
no body corp, no strata -- no shared common property, no monthly fees, and no rules committee; land and building is on separate title
NBNco - broadband service

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Comments:

Comment1: Wait, you add a final one liner update that they came back and finished the job and left the story at that? Something smells a little fishy, like for eg. someone you know must've organized it and you've now been told? Or something? Give us the details!

>OOP: I don't have any details, I don't have cameras, I knocked on my neighbors doors twice and no one answered, no emails, no letters in the mail.
My guess is it's a mistaken address, maybe they knew after the first day and decided to come back and finish the job 2 days later, it is legitimately like fairy's did it

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Comment2: Have you posted on local community pages?

>OOP: No, tbh I don't really care all that much, it's finished, if someone chases me down for payment then I'll deal with it then

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Update 1 (one month later)

Just before Christmas, someone repaved my drive

Today I come home to find my neighbours drive has been pulled up and repaved, the work is identical, the grand mystery has been solved, it was a case of wrong house

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Comments:

Comment1: Did they contact you at all? I'm sure they'd love a solid review mentioning the great value they provided

>OOP: Not a word, from anyone, neighbours, contractors absolute silence

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Comment2: I am waiting for the update where you show us the invoice that is placed in your letterbox.

>OOP: I'd give the person a carton of beer, and that's about as far as payment would get, I didn't authorise it or ask for it what happens if it's actually a shit job and t collapses under the weight of my 4wd? Unfortunately nothing is free in this world

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Comment3: Sounds like you won, and they learned a valuable lesson in the process. Always gotta triple check you've got the right address before starting works

Thanks for updating us, I was wondering if anything came of it

>OOP: My street is weird, and the house numbers only make sense to pre GPS drivers, my parents think it makes perfect logical sense and everyone younger than 50 it's seems random
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OOP: I live in a small street, more like a inlet, it's shaped like a 90 degree pipe, one half there are houses on. Oth sides of the street and my half there is only one side with the side of a house on the far side of the street, my house is 8 then 9 then 12 13 14 and so on, there is no 10 or 11

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Comment4: do you run into the neighbour much? do they make eye contact or do they try to avoid you?

i’m imagining them putting some pot plants around the edges of their driveway to camouflage the fact that it’s identical to yours.

>OOP: No, like ships in the night, my neighbour is a rental, I'm friendly with the owner, but I haven't seen him in a very long time

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user TA191210 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Nov 11, 2021

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for telling my soon-to-be MIL that my engagement ring is cursed?

I (F26) just got engaged. My soon to be MIL is a nightmare. We are currently renovating a part of our place and she has been lent a key in the meantime because she keeps coming over uninvited under the guise of “helping” clean up, but she really just likes to snoop and interfere.

I do a martial art and take my engagement ring off before class. I came home from an afternoon class one day and my engagement ring was not in the jewellery dish that I usually leave it in.

I asked her about it and she told me that she’d taken it to a jeweller to get it cleaned. She looked super smug about it and when I asked which jeweller, she pretended she couldn’t remember. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of having a reaction to it so I just let it slide for a couple of days.

A couple of days pass and I ask her about it again and she’s super vague, still pretending she can’t remember which jeweller and saying she’s too busy to go pick it up anytime soon.

So I said, “wow, I really feel for that jeweller… hope nothing happens to her.” She asked what I meant, and I told her that my superstitious Brazilian grandmother had performed some traditional ritual on it that’s usually known to curse anyone who takes or handles the ring other than the owner.

She looked uneasy and asked me a couple more questions about this ritual and I made some story up about how my mother’s ring had been taken by a burglar who was crushed by a pillar of cement on his way out of the house. (I totally made this entire ritual up and I do have a Brazilian grandmother but obviously she did not do some ritual to my ring.)

The next day, my fiancée told me while I was out that she was there to clean up a bit… Lo and behold, I get home (she had already left) and find my ring where I had left it. It didn’t look any cleaner than it had before lol.

A week later, I receive an abusive call from her saying she’d been in a minor car accident and she was blaming me and my “witch doctor” grandmother, saying she was now cursed for having touched it.

I passed the phone to my fiancée who tried to calm her down, but she was hysterical. I told my fiancée what I had told her, and he scolded me a bit because we both know how she is and I should have known she’d react this sort of way.

It’s been a further week since then and she refuses to talk to me and keeps slandering me to my fiancée. Overall he sort of recognises how ridiculous she’s being, but the drama of the situation is making me wonder if the whole curse tale was taking it a bit too far. So, AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Nta. That’s hilarious.

The nerve of her, taking your ring. She deserves the curse. I’m just sorry it’s causing trouble for you. I kind of think your fiancé earned it by tolerating her behaviour and not having changed the locks already.

Also, have you checked your ring? I don’t understand why she’d take it unless it was to keep it away from you. Does she disapprove of the engagement, or of you taking it off even if it’s for a good reason? Was she going to swap stones or claim to have lost it? I’d really need to know her motivation for taking it.

You might want to come clean before she meets your grandmother at the wedding though.

>OOP: She’s never vocally disagreed with the engagement but she has definitely interfered, I personally think it was just to mess with me or keep it from me. I really don’t know. I don’t think she ever even took it to a jeweller to be honest.

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Comment2: NTA I’m still super nosy about why she took it? What exactly did she think she’d accomplish?

>OOP: My guess would be that she wanted me to have some angry or upset reaction and then try to suggest to my fiancée that I’m ungrateful or something like that. That’s why I didn’t react initially.

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Comment3: She didn’t take it to the jeweler, she took it because she’s a thief. That’s a whole ‘nother issue you need to resolve starting with changing the locks. Also, you and your fiancee need to figure out how to stop her from messing with you or else this will be a strain on your entire marriage especially if you have children.

However, don’t beat superstition with logic, you beat it with more superstition. You need to get your mother-in-law to believe that SHE PERSONALLY lifted the curse so you could all move on with your lives.

Tell your MIL that you spoke to your grandmother to get clarity on the “curse” (personally I would tell your MIL that grandma said that the curse only applies to thieves, so you don’t know why MIL is so convinced she’s cursed, especially since she only took it to be cleaned), and grandma told you the secret antidote only because you’re family.

And then give her a procedure to do that’s not too crazy, but crazy enough that you can enjoy yourself knowing she’s totally going to do it. Again, the point is to get your mother-in-law to believe that the cruise has been lifted. (Although, I would add that grandma said the thief has to apologize for stealing, but that might be more trouble than it’s worth.)

Maybe make your mother-in-law believe that she has to bathe in goat’s milk and pinecones after chanting the counter spell which can be something random that you write in Portuguese.

Just bear in mind that if grandma is planning on coming to the wedding, you need to play interception or at least warn her beforehand.

All joking aside, you and your husband need to plan interference with how his mother is treating you otherwise this really could negatively affect your relationship. Good luck and please update us!

>Comment4: Sounds like you have experience in this field
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Comment3: Lol, my mom was very superstitious and had lots of old family remedies with dubious success rates

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Comment5: NTA, you should tell her there’s no way she could have even cursed since she took the ring with good intentions and the curse only curses people with bad intentions.

The reason you were worried about the jeweler is because some jewelers will steal rings and swap them out for fake stones. And you didn’t know how honest the jeweler was because you didn’t know them at all. I’ll bet she chokes on her own lies rather than admit she stole it to steal it.

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Comment6: NTA. OP you have more than just a MIL problem. The bigger one is your fiancé. He scolded you, not her for stealing your ring.

If he says you know how she gets, why does she even have a key to begin with? He makes excuses for her and scolds you. With a MIL like this NC is the only way.

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Comment7: NTA. She stole your engagement ring. Making up a story is the least you could have done to her.

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Update:

I really did not expect this sort of response to this post. Thank you all so much for the awards. Fiancée and I have had a big chat, and he’s admitted he has to step up when it comes to his mother.

He retrieved her key an hour ago, and he told her not to worry about the curse because it would have no effect on anyone who touched it without malicious intent… big thank you to the commenters who suggested that absolutely gold approach.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Inevitable-Fox7946 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: July 11, 2024

Update: July 22, 2024

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for telling my father to get over the vase my son broke?

When I was a teenager, my father bought a large glass vase, which he filled with wine corks. For years, it stayed on top of a small table in the living room.

My family visits him monthly for lunch. Last October, my son was running around my father's living room and accidentally knocked the table over, which caused the vase to fall down and break.

I immediately apologized and offered to buy a new vase. My husband and I also cleaned everything up. My father declined my offer to replace it. At the time, he said he understood it was an accident and was just glad my son hadn't gotten hurt (he was two years old at the time, and there was a lot of glass on the floor).

During the next couple of months, I apologized and offered to pay for a new vase multiple times. My father continued saying it was fine.

However, earlier this year, my father started talking about how much he loved the cork vase, and how expensive it had been back when he bought it. As the following months went by, his complaints began to escalate.

He'd make comments about the fact that my son broke the vase almost every time we came over. Occasionally, he'd also "joke" that we should plan our visits with longer notice so that he could hide his valuables from my kid.

Last week, he threw a party at his place, which we attended. A friend of his who hadn't visited in a while noticed the vase was gone and asked about it, to which my father replied that "my little shit" had broken it and I hadn't replaced it.

My husband was nearby and heard it. After the party, I confronted my father, and we fought. He said that he had the right to complain about the fact that my son had damaged his property.

I told him that while he has the right to be upset, the fact that he declined my offer to buy him a new vase does not entitle him to complain about me not doing it. He can either retract his forgiveness and work something out with me or get over the vase and stop blaming my toddler for the accident. I won't have him calling my son names over this.

My father is still insisting I'm in the wrong here.

AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO: Instead of repeatedly asking him if he wanted you to replace it - why did you just not replace it?

ESH - Your father's comment was wrong, your father's lack of communication was wrong, but I think you were also wrong for not just replacing it from the start. You could have easily gone out and found a similar vase and brought it over for him.

>OOP: This is (sort of) how the original conversation played out:
Me: Don't worry, I'll buy you a new one.
Dad: No, it's fine. It was just an old vase.
Me: Are you sure?
Dad: Yes.
I asked later that same day, he declined again. If I hear the word "no" twice, I'm not doing it.

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Comment2: NTA, your dad should not be going around lying that you didn't offer to replace it when you did. That said, I think it's pretty rude to let a 2 year old run around a house with sentimental, breakable glass decor out. You visit for 1 meal a month, you can't find other activities to entertain him for what, 2 hours/month?

My grandma had glass figurines on every surface. We were not allowed to run around. Maybe what you think of as a one-time frustration to your dad is more of a "my grandson runs wildly around glass decor and my daughter doesn't teach him he needs to sit and color at grandpa's, she just laughs it off and shrugs".

>OOP: I actually agree that's rude, but I will add that my son had just started running around and doesn't usually do it at my father's house. That was one of the only times he ever did that. In subsequent visits, we managed to stop him sooner whenever it did happen.

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Comment3: NTA.
FFS, your son was a toddler doing toddler things. Your dad should have toddler proofed the house.
You offered to pay for a new vase, he declined, he can STFU about it.
I always thought collecting and displaying wine corks was bizarre. Hey look at how much I drink everyone!

>OOP: He's pretty proud of the corks, actually.

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Comment4: Just a thought, has your father been tested recently for dementia or other possible health problems? Anger and aggressive behaviors are one of the signs.

>OOP: He has not. He just turned 60, so I don't think he's worried about that yet.

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Comment5: This is crazy that you continue to back up why you didn’t just replace it immediately. Just replace it, your child broke it. I get your dad said no, and now he’s being rude, but at the end of the day, your child broke it. If you had just replaced it , like a normal person would do(without asking permission) then your dad wouldn’t be able to bring it up months later.

>OOP: If someone says (multiple times) they don't want me to do something, I won't do it. My father is usually a direct person. If he wanted me to replace the vase, he would have said so. I would've had no problem with it. And again, I didn't ask permission. I offered to do it, he said no.

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Update (10 days later)

After reading your comments, I decided to offer to buy my father a new vase again.

I explicitly told him this would be the last time I'd make that offer. If he said no and continued to complain about it, he wouldn't be allowed to see my son until he'd calmed down. He eventually agreed.

The store he'd bought the original vase from does not exist anymore, so I started doing some research. I found one I thought was very similar at a furniture store near my place. I'd bought vases from them before, so I knew they had great quality.

On Saturday, we went on our monthly lunch at my father's place, and took the opportunity to give him the new vase. He seemed grateful at the time, and had a cute moment with my son as they filled it up with the corks. I thought this was done.

But the next day, my father called me. He had looked up the new vase online and noticed it was "less expensive" than he expected. Then he asked, "are you sure this is the best you could find?"

That's when I said screw it. I'm done with his passive aggressiveness. I told my father we're no longer going to his place for anything. If he wants to see my family, he can come to ours.

He protested, but I held my ground. My father did not communicate his wishes at any point, and still complained about the outcome. I'm done watching my family be accused of being bad people, and I don't want this behavior to extend to my son any more than it already has.

So this is where we stand now. My father doesn't like driving to my place, so I'm not sure about the future of our monthly lunches.

I love my father, but I am extremely disappointed in him. If all this means I will see him less than usual for a while, I might be a little glad. The time apart might be good for us. My greatest concern is my son's relationship with his grandfather, which I will try to encourage.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: What was the price difference?
NTA now because the original post didn't have the price.

>OOP: The one I bought would roughly translate to $100 USD (I don't live in the US). He doesn't remember the original's price, only that it was more expensive.

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Comment2: I think you should have bought him the exact same vase. I've been able to buy my mom an exact 1982 Minnie mouse Beach towel to replace one from her honeymoon that I accidentally ruined. If you actually gave a crap about breaking something important to him I'm sure you could have managed. I mean you know how to use Google right?

>OOP: The store does not exist anymore. It's a translucent glass vase, there are millions like it available. Finding the exact same vase would be almost impossible. I did my research and found one that closely resembled it.
I'm very well aware I can't please everyone who thinks I'm in the wrong. Especially internet strangers who don't know the amount of research I did. I also don't intend to try anymore. I've done my part.

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Comment3: Did you really get your dad a cheap vase? This was a “shut up” gift and you’re irrationally angry.

You could have communicated with your father what he wanted and together pick out a lovely vase. You didn’t do that, you just got what you thought was suitable.

Your dad lost a vase that he had for several years, with sentimental feelings attached with it. You don’t seem to be bothered about how he felt. You could have used this opportunity to buy your dad a really gorgeous vase. I’d do anything for my Dad, money would never be an issue.

>OOP: I bought my father a good vase that just so happened to cost less than he expected. Quality is more important than price.
Also, my father was not that attached to the vase. He was proud of the corks (which he managed to salvage).

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Comment4: NTA but sometimes older people hang on to petty grievances like this because they have less agency over important things in their life. Your father had a little bit more control when he was able to complain about the vase.

Because you love your father, you could try to help him step back and maybe find something else that he can devote time and attention to, especially if it relates to you and your family in a positive away (like planning a trip or something). But if he can't or won't do that, it makes sense to just hold firm on your boundaries.

>OOP: No, I'm done. I've done what he wanted, and he still insisted on complaining about it.

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Comment5: NTA
Wow! Unless the new vase is obviously shoddy, which isn't the case from your description, his behavior is bizarrely ridiculous. I think you've made the best possible solution to this issue. At this point, it's up to him to humble up.

>OOP: I don't regret buying the vase, but I've done my part. I'd never react to this the way my father did. And I'm very confident about its quality.

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Comment6: NTA
"He had looked up the new vase online and noticed it was "less expensive" than he expected."
Who does that with a family member when they've done their best to put things right?

"My greatest concern is my son's relationship with his grandfather, which I will try to encourage."
Kudos for that. But your Dad needs to realize what's important & make an effort.

>OOP: I'm hoping he does. I grew up pretty distant from all my grandparents, so it's always been important to me that my kid gets to be closer to his family. That said, I'm very well aware that it's my father's responsibility to make an actual effort here.

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Comment7: It sounds like your father just want to complain.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user throwawayx22x04 in r/ AITAH

Original: June 5, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded-ish

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Original: AITAH for telling my sister that she won’t get any money from us?

My husband (40m) and I(35f) run a company together. He is the CEO, and I am the COO. We work well as a team: he is more diplomatic and conflict-averse, while I focus on finances, operations, and making difficult decisions when necessary.

My younger sister (22f)worked for us part-time while studying. Over time, she repeatedly caused problems, including trying to create tension between my husband and me, speaking negatively about colleagues, and making disrespectful comments toward me. After several incidents, we decided to terminate her employment.

Although her employment officially ends in the on the 10th of the month, I recently learned that my husband promised to continue paying her until the end of the month because she wants to go on vacation with her friends and I quote “she needs money”. She made him feel guilty. She has savings, I think more than 6k.

Well guess how my husband reacted to that? He agreed! This means she will receive several hundred euros she has not earned, despite having very few financial obligations (she lives with my parents and doesn’t pay rent) and substantial savings. She was also the only one in the company who always asked if the money will come punctually. (It was never late)

It always bothered me. Especially because she refused to do some of the tasks we gave her. It wasn’t easy with her. But that’s not the point.

I just wanna clarify that she did a lot of mistakes and once even refused to attend a teams meeting because we told her it will happen between 3pm - 5pm and she thought it was not fair to make her wait 2 hours. Those 2 hours were paid, so she was sitting at home doing nothing.

This caused a lot of tension and we had to wait for her during the meeting. It was embarrassing but we talked to her and tried to explain that we do not accept this behavior. But her attitude never changed. Stupid me forgot how manipulative she can be, she did that a lot with my parents.

She also convinced my husband to pick up her work equipment because she doesn’t want to bring it to the company. I called her and told her straight up that we are not paying her more than she deserves. Currently we released her from her duties and placed her on paid leave until the 10th.

She denied it first, then she said; it’s something I discussed with my boss and not with you. She wouldn’t even receive the extra money as salary, just as bonus money.

I told her she needs to bring the work equipment herself in the company and she freaked out. It’s just 30 min with the car, but she doesn’t have a car. Guess who has a car? Our stay at home mother and my sister is the youngest and only one who lives at home. However I also told her she will only get what she legally deserves.

So Reddit, AITAH for telling my sister that she won’t get any money from us? I am not responsible for her vacation and I refuse to pay anything towards her vacation.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA to fire her clearly.

Is she fired for cause with appropriate corrective action documentation or are you planning not to fight an unemployment claim?

You might be the AH for how you decided to handle the reversal of an authorized company agent’s agreement to pay her until the end of the month. I would have slid in there with a ‘release of all claims’ severance document for her to sign in order to get the additional funds.

I’d have legal counsel review what you have done and how hard this could bite you. First for the reversal and second to check if offering her ‘go away quietly’ money, whether that sets precedent for other terminations.

Your husband and CEO definitely TAH for not discussing extending pay with you, the COO, before offering it to an employee. I believe if she takes you to small claims court, she will be entitled to the promised money. Verbal contracts are still contracts. And was her termination handled consistently with any other prior terminations?

>OOP: She can’t take us to court. We live in Europe and the laws here are different. I checked it beforehand. We gave her two formal warnings. The termination is legally valid and compliant with applicable law.

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Comment2: The problem isn’t your sister, it’s your husband. He’s the one who promised to pay her when she’d already been dismissed from employment.

But you're NTA for putting a stop to that nonsense.

>OOP: Yes you are right. Thanks for your comment. He told her that he would pay for it out of his personal funds, meaning from our joint finances, as she has no legal entitlement to this payment. She cried and said that she really wanted to go on vacation with her friends and had already committed to the trip.

>My husband is an introverted person who does not have a large social circle and is easily overwhelmed by emotionally charged situations. He particularly struggles when confronted with tears or emotional pressure.

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Comment3: NTA. She didn’t earn the money, so there’s no reason to give it to her. She sounds problematic and entitled.

>OOP: She is. We once had a disagreement about vacation entitlement. Because she works part-time, she believed her vacation days should only be counted against the three days she works per week, which would have resulted in roughly twelve weeks of vacation per year.

>Our policy is that all employees receive the same entitlement of six weeks per year, which is already very generous, (legally it would be 4 weeks) especially for part-time staff, as everyone except my husband and I works either 20 or 30 hours per week. We believe that our employees are happier and healthier when they are not overworked.

>When I explained that she was not entitled to twelve weeks of vacation, she became very upset and argued that she deserved it as a student and even said that students should have more vacation entitlement in order to study better. She then accused me of not wanting to grant her this. In reality, she works 20 hours per week and only attends university once a week.

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Comment4: Also if the other employees who aren't related to the owners find out they're going to have grounds for "severance" packages, themselves.

>OOP: Omg I didn’t even think about that. You’re right

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Comment5: I don't care how manipulative my sister is, but I'd seriously have a problem with my husband if he did this. He better not agree to anything like this situation without talking to me first.

Are you angry at him too? An adult man who is smart enough to run a business? How was he dumb enough to agree to something like this? Why would he be willing to pick up whatever she needs to return? Someone who caused problems not only where he works, but tried in his relationship?

I'd be pissed at my sister, but I'd be angrier at my spouse. He knows what she's like, there was no reason to agree to anything she asked for. Why did he? A vacation? Please! That is not a reason. Does she pander to his ego or something? It doesn't make sense.

>OOP: Omg I am so angry at him. We had a huge fight because he told me today like a week later. My sister is only 22 but damn she knows how to play people. They are not having an affair she’s gay. He is just too friendly and that’s a weakness if you ask me.

>Before I worked at his company he had some ppl hired who used him. He hired his sister who borrowed money from him. When I started working there they realized quick that I was there to get things fixed and his sister did quit and I asked her what about the borrowed money?

>She said she can’t pay it right now and I knew she was lying because one co worker told me she was planning to go on vacation. So I kept her salary, not my problem.

>When she threatened to sue I threatened to sue her and since she got a job at the government agency (in finance department, I don’t know how to explain we are in Europe) her new job was at risk. She still owes us like 6k. That’s money we will never get back. But my husband is definitely too nice.

>Yes I am mad at him and he is mad at me saying I am overreacting I mean I yelled at him. He didn’t tell me right away and he said I am the ceo it’s my company. Sometimes I think just leave him and let him suffer.

>The other colleague told him he deserves a piece of the company he wanted 10% of the company because he was there from the beginning and it would be fair. He was the first one I kicked out and that was so hard. He made my husband pay his private parking spot and no not at the company, at his house!!!!! 😤

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Comment6: Your husband is putting your company at HUGE risk. He's a walking liability at this point. He needs to get into therapy to learn how to stop letting people take advantage of him, and he needs to change ASAP.

I honestly think YOU should take over as CEO and he should go on a leave of absence while he figures his shit out. This was a HUGE fuck up that could have absolutely come back to bite you if other employees found out about the preferential treatment.

What your husband needs to understand is that NONE of the people who take advantage of him love him, care about him, or respect him. You don't treat people you love & respect like that. That includes his former employee/friend, his sister that defrauded you, and your sister too.

He doesn't realize that every time he gives in to these people, they don't appreciate it, they just take it for granted and they lose respect for him. (If they had any to begin with.) These people DO NOT give a DAMN about your husband (or YOU for that matter) and are only out for themselves.

It's going to be VERY hard for your husband to accept this, but he needs to understand this if he's ever going to change.

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Comment7: I agree. He is not going to be a good CEO if he is like that. He will run the company into the ground.

>OOP: I told him the same, but he says I’m cruel and heartless. Mind you, there was a time when we had nothing to eat and I made pasta with butter, bc we couldn’t afford anything else. I am not gifting money. I pay what I owe and that’s it.

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Update:

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented. I wrote the original post late at night here in Europe while I was angry, and I honestly didn’t expect so many people to respond.

Reading through the comments made me realize that I was so focused on my sister’s behavior that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my husband’s role in all of this. A lot of you were right. My sister was disrespectful and her termination was long overdue, but my husband should never have made promises behind my back.

For some context, I’m the operations manager of the company. We normally discuss every major financial decision together. I only stepped into this role because the previous operations manager was terrible, and since then I’ve introduced a lot of structure that simply didn’t exist before.

We didn’t have NDAs, or even a formal key handover process. Things are a lot more organized now, and the company is in a much better position than it was when I started.

My husband and I are complete opposites when it comes to management. He’s the good cop, and I’m the bad cop. I don’t mind being the bad cop because I’m fair. I’ll always give people what they’re entitled to, but I won’t bend the rules just because someone is upset.

My husband, on the other hand, hates conflict. He wants everyone to be happy, gets uncomfortable when people are emotional, and has a very hard time saying no. He’s genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, but sometimes he’s so trusting that it’s almost naive.

After everything happened, he drove to the office and spent the night there. The next day, he talked to his father about the situation. His father listened to the whole story and then asked him if it wouldn’t be better if I were the CEO. That apparently hit him harder than anything I said.

Later, my husband called and apologized. He admitted that when my sister started crying, he completely shut down. He didn’t know how to deal with it and just wanted the whole situation to end as quickly as possible because he hates emotional confrontations.

He promised me that he will never make financial commitments on behalf of the company again without discussing them with me first.

As for my sister, she will receive exactly what she is entitled to and nothing more. The extra money that was promised is off the table. If she doesn’t return the company equipment she still has, the value will be deducted from her final paycheck, which I’ve already made clear to her.

So that’s where things stand. My husband apologized, my sister isn’t getting a special payout, and hopefully this whole mess has taught us that family and business are usually a terrible combination.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user paperweightfairy

Original: Aug 12, 2019

Update 1: Aug 15, 2019

Update 2: Aug 15, 2019

Update 3: Aug 24, 2019

Final update: Nov 26, 2019

Status: concluded

Length: long

Note: OOP originally posted in r/ relationship_advice and r/ amItheAsshole. Updates were later posted in r/ entitledparents

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Original: My family is pressuring me to give my (23/F) sister my (28/F) wedding venue because she needs it more and is pregnant.

My fiancee and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 3. I was doing my PhD program and was juggling planning the wedding. My fiancee took much of that work, but it was perfect because our dream venue was booked till after my graduation. So what we did is book our dream venue 3 years in advance.

It is really a beautiful venue. The only slot we got was September of this year. My sister got engaged a few months ago to her fiancee. They were planning on having a spring wedding next year. They had no venue lined up, but had a few vendors lined up as well as a set date. 

Yesterday our parents invited us and our SO\`s to a family bbq, where my sister announced to our extended family, that she is expecting . Everyone was so happy for her and my BIL ( who is a great guy). My Nan asked my sister if the wedding was still on the set date or if they were going to wait, because of the baby She said no that she hoped to move it to September.

NBD. We don't have many out of town guest so they could attend to both weddings no problem. Nan was happy and asked sister if she needed help planning such a short notice wedding.

My sister then turns around and said,"Thats what i wanted to talk to you about. I was really really hoping we could kinda like take your venue ? I really can not stress myself too much with planing a wedding while going to maternity classes. And i think it is so beautiful! It would really mean a lot to me".

It went silent. But everyone was looking at me expecting me to say "yes of course everything for my little sister !". My BIL looked very uncomfortable and told her that they had talked about this and that it was not okay to put me on the spot .

But my sister just said "Don't be like that! My sister wants to do whats best for me so its no big deal right?"

I just said " well it kind of is. I don't know . I have my heart really set on the venue"

Cue the crying. She stormed off.Nan told me that i was being selfish because she needed the venue more than I did.

I tried to defend myself and my mother said " you waited 3 years. Would it have killed you to wait a few more moths? When has your sister ever asked you for something?"

A few comments later my fiance got really mad and we left. My sister called me crying and said that it was unfair that I always get what I want and that i could have done this one thing for her. Dad said it is just a venue and what matters is the person who you are marrying. He is kid of right... but we have been planing for so long .

My fiance is furious with my family and doesn't even want my sister to come. Now my family is threatening not to come because I am being selfish and my sister needs it more than me because having a baby is too stressful.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: She wants to get married ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE? Where is she gonna find her vendors!? You are NTA, since “it’s about who you’re marrying and not the venue” per your father’s comment, she can get married anywhere, and at this point, this late in the game, she’s gonna get married at the town hall and have an outdoor reception.

It’s August 11th, come on now. I spent TWO YEARS planning my wedding and it was on our farm! I can’t imagine at a venue. Ya right. Again NTA. I’m shook.

>OOP: She would be taking all our arrangements and providing her own decorations.

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Comment2: When she "takes" all your arrangements, is she also paying you all the fees you've paid so far, and the remaining costs?

What a little treasure.

>OOP: She wouldn't pay me. If anything my parents but idk. We didn't get that far into conversation because my fiancee dragged me away

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Comment3: Haven’t your invites already gone out? And bridesmaids and arrangements already made? And just out of curiously, if you gifted your wedding to your sister, who would be paying for it all?

>OOP: Yes everything is planned.
My fiancee and I payed for everything besides the caterer which was a gift from my father

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Comment4: Why doesn't what your father say to you, also apply to her????? "It's about the person you're marrying, not the venue." Yeah, so your sister can find her own venue. Not feel entitled to the one you have dreamt about and planned over 3 years in advance for. What is wrong with her. Yikes.

>OOP: She is my dad's little princess. He always takes her side

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[brace yourself for guilt trips....]
OOP: This gave me all sorts of new anxiety. You are right I think this will happen. When I got my PhD title my sister was crying at the after party because she wasn't accepted to her masters program...

OOP: Here in Germany you get paid for doing your PhD and I was jobbing while on my bachelor's and masters so I sustained myself with the help of my fiance.

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[what if your family sues for posting online?]
OOP: They can't sue because I gave no identifying information. We asked my fiancés best friend who is a lawyer and they have no leg to stand on

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[why did you wait for 3 years?]
OOP: Look we waited because of the venue and because I didn't want wedding stuff to collide with uni stuff. We wanted to wait because we wanted the perfect day that's all.

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Update 0.5

My BIL called me and apologized for the inconvenience. He told me he had discussed it with my sister and she had told him she would not ask. He is properly mad with her now and warned me that my sister is blaming me for "potentially ruining her marriage".

My father has sent me about 5 text along the lines of"I hope you are happy your sister hasn't stopped crying since yesterday"And so on and so on. My fiance and I have decided to boot my sister from the bridal party and replace her with my aunt who is the only family member that took my side. We have not decided whether or not we will invite my family as a whole.

Furthermore my mom took it upon her to tell on us. She called fiancés parents and told them, that it would be best if my sister gets it because she is pregnant and pre-eclampsia runs in the family. Whatever that means.

My future father in law told them to fuck off and basically ripped my Mom a new one for expecting something so ridiculous and that they were going to lose me if they keept playing favorites. So my mom is now crying too and saying that my father in law is an ass.This is just getting so pathetic. It seems straight out of a bad soap opera.

My in laws are driving to us currently with some supper and wine and basically told me to not worry and that no matter what happens that they will be my safety net. I cried of happiness

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Update 1: (OOP posts in r/ advice 2 days later)

My sister just sent me this Screenshot regarding my wedding venue. But it looks fishy. Can you help me decide if this is a real convo or a fabricated Screenshot?

(the image link OOP provided is no longer active; the image was a whatsapp message in German)

Info : I have allready contacted my wedding planner but I am outside business hours so she won't write back till tommorow

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Can you give a summary of what it says in English?

>OOP:
The planner : I recived your mother's message and we have to sign a new contract to override you the venue. With an extra cost. Come by tommorow to my office
Sister : thanks great see you tommorow
Not verbatim but it's the gist of the situation

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Comment2: Holy crap. Thanks for translating! This is crazy. Did only you or your fiancé sign the original contract or did your mother sign it?

>OOP: My parents signed the caterer contract as it was their original wedding gift but the venue is in our name. We actually put passwords on everything but idk if this Screenshot is really from today or a few days old before all three drama happened

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Comment3: The speech bubble arrows don't line up to the text space like it should. I quickly downloaded a fake WhatsApp message app and it had the exact same misalignment. It's called "Fake chat conversations" by "Tiawy Labs". So I'm going to say this is a fake. I hope this gets resolved for you soon, as you don't deserve this added stress and spite for something you've been planning for so long.

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Update 2 (same day)

So it hasn't been that long. But this post blew the hell up. I was expecting only a few answers but the support was overwhelming.What boggled my mind is that this story flooded over to mainstream media.But let's get to the story. So since this went viral a lot happened.

My Sister

My sister saw this story while browsing on her reddit acc. She lost her mind. She accused me of painting her like a looney and misinterpreting facts. (Info: My sister got wind of the situation due to various Media outlets and went on reddit )

She said that I was being unfair. That she is family and that she asked it nicely because she loves me.She also underlines the fact that the opinion of internet strangers doesn't count because family is more important and I should focus on making my family happy.The only text I sent back was this.

>I am sorry that you percived it that way. I did not in any matter distort what happened. As you might notice I didn't describe your tone nor exaggerated anything. Perhaps you have that night different in your mind than I do, but I digress.

>I am sick and tired to bending to your will. My whole life I have been your servant and your doormat. Remember all the birthdays I had to share with you because you would throw a tantrum because you didn't get presents? Or when you cried so that I would fill out job applications for you? But the thing that has hurt me most till now is when you ruined my graduation.

>I am done. I admit that I also spoiled you but I will not any longer. If you want to marry so bad before your baby is born then you could look at [hotel x] that offers last minute weddings. I have spent too much time planing MY wedding to gift it to you.And if you want to ruin our relationship over this then go ahead. I will sleep sound and safe knowing that it wasn't my fault.

She only sent me awow.... You must love me so very much
And blocked me. She unblocked me this morning to sent me this

>Wedding planner : Hello dear, I got the message from your mother and will proceed with the rebooking of the venue on the spot . However this will have extra costs as we have to change the names on the contract. Please come by my office tommorow so we can sign the new contract.
Sister: Thats great ! I'll be there at 9!

My Parents

My parents haven't actually written me since the thing with my father in law. My older brother (yes I have an older brother but he lives in another city and wasn't at the BBQ, that's why I didn't mention him. Plus he initially could not come to the wedding because of work and changed his plans after hearing about all the story)

Contacted me and wanted to know what happened because he got a weird story from mom and dad. Mom had told him that I had offered previous to the BBQ to give up the venue to my sister and that I humiliated her

I told him what really happened and he had no problem believing me. We talked a lot about our parents behavior and he confessed that him moving was partly due to our parents being, and I quote, shit heads to us.

He told me that mom had gotten wind from the post and was mad at me for betraying my family.I haven't written my parents what so many of you adviced me to because I have to come to terms with the fact that they love my sister more than me (if they love me at all)

The wedding

We sat together and put passwords with majority of our vendors and also with the venue directly. (we didn't talk to our planner yet which is why the text of my sister worries me so much)

Also we canceled the catering that my parents paid for. So short term we won't be able to get a full catering like we wanted to. But all our friends and my fiancés family will help us prepare a buffet (and everyone is going to chip in). That will be our bachelor party. As we will have to spent more on our food now we canceled our bachelor parties and will have a family and friends cooking session.

Thank you again for helping me see how toxic my family is. I will try to sort it out. If they apologize from the bottom of their heart they will be allowed into my wedding but if not... Then well... I still have my brother (who will be walking me down to the aisle) and my aunt.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Dont make the mistake of assuming others rationalize like you.

Sometimes people lie to you and not only are they not sorry, they're upset with you. Somehow, in their minds, it's your fault they lied or you made them lie.

Same goes for your sister. Dont assume a selfish person feels guilty about being selfish. Your sister will never see your "sacrifice" the way you would if you gave your venue up. If you're going to do it, accept this. Accept the fact that she'll eventually forget you made that sacrifice, if you do indeed give the venue up.

>OOP: Are you my mother in law? She said the same thing lol.
I know I just gave my sister a piece of my mind for my own sake. Also I am not expecting an apology. I am just leaving that option for them

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Update 2.5

We called my planner and she was actually really horrified. She told me she never had as much as talked to my mother since the day we went to book the venue. She assured me that even if they were to call and say that I wanted it, I had to be present to make any changes.

So we informed everyone that will work for us on our wedding and they offered to hire security for that day at a reduced price

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Update 3 (eight days later)

I hope that this time this doesn't get removed (or at least give me some reason damn it mods! 😂)

A few days have passed and we luckily have sorted many things out. Passwords are set with the vendors, security has been hired, recipes for the family and friends cookout have been chosen and i will start therapy soon.

Sadly some upsetting things have happened as well.

My sister ofcourse is brigading against me on Facebook. Making constant passive aggressive remarks. Saying that I made her depressed etc. I have recived many messages from her friends saying that I am bitch for treating her that way. I won't mention what happened to BIL. He wants to tell his story once he is ready.

I blocked every attempt at online harassment and my sister as well. But 2 days ago my sister's best friends egged my car. I called the police and my neighbor, whose hobby is to look outside the widow and spy on people, identified them two. She is a grumpy lady but actually very lovely once you get to meet her.

Now to the part that has me fuming. After not talking to my parents in several days they called and asked if we could talk things out. I was warry but agreed to meeting them with my fiance in our apartment. When they arrived you could tell my mom had been crying. And I honestly felt bad for 10 whole minutes.

Many of you guys said that they probably played favorites to avoid my sisters melt downs or that she might have been diagnosed with something and that's why they baby her. Well.... No. Turns out my sister is, like also many of you suspected, just an asshole. No medical history. No diagnosis nothing.

We started chit chatting awkwardly then we began talking about the matter.

My father first asked us why we canceled the caterers, to wich my fiance responded that we didn't want to have anything they could hold over our heads. insert surprised Pikachu face from both of them

Dad acted offended and said he would never so that to wich I said better safe than sorry. My mother continued with calling me disrespectful for talking in that manner to them. I called the disrespectful for all what they had said and done over the last few days.

We got in a heated argument about the venue again, to wich my father repeated the "it doenst matter where you get married but the person you are marrying" bullshit. And finally finally I gave him the comeback so many of you guys wanted me to give. "yes dad exactly! But isn't it weird how that only applies to me and not my sister? As long as she is marrying BIL it doenst matter where right?"

It was dead quiet and my father was red like a tomato and gasping for air like a fish on land. My mother was quietly crying again and my . So I said" well I am waiting for your reasoning "

My father slapped his hands on the table and went on a rant about family and sacrifices and how a loving family should do what's In their power to make each other happy. I just responded" like how you tried to make me happy on my graduation day? You know when sister smashed my cake because she wasn't in the limelight? "

Quiet again. My mother quietly said" why do you hate us so much? "
I looked at her and said" I could ask you guys the same thing "

Again nothing. My parents knew that they had fucked up but they were not ready to admit it. My mother tried to guilt trip me saying that my sister is miserable, that she hasn't gone out in days because people judge her so much.

My father went on a tangent on how my little sister just needs more time and attention because she is the youngest etc etc. So basically excusing her behavior. I told them that I felt hurt because I now saw their blatant favoritism. That they didn't even try to conceal the fact that they loved my sister more. My mother tried to say that's not true! We love you all the same.

I wasn't having it. I opened a list I had written on my phone were I had written every point I could remember about them putting my sister before me. It was a very long list. Some had dates to it, some were more spesific situations.

When I was finished my parents were horrified, beatread and near tears. They wanted to start explaing again how I was wrong but I said that this conversation was leading no where. They either set family counseling up for us and apologize to me or they won't be invited to the wedding. They left and haven't called since.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: If you don’t mind answering, what did your sister do to ruin your graduation?

>OOP: Short version : She threw a fit because she didn't get in her master Programm. She had a mental break down while my fiance was giving a speech for my accomplishments and started screaming and crying and my dad basically had to leave with her. On their way out my sister stopped crying for a bit only to start again maniacally crying when she saw my cake and smashed her fists into it.

Comment2: whats your phd in ??

>OOP: A field in biology

Comment3: Hello I'm very late with my question.
How do you get rejected from a Master's program in Germany? I'm in the process of applying now, and it very much seems like the "admissions" process is nothing more than a requirements check. And don't most people just get their Master's degree where they got their Bachelor's degree?

>OOP: It depends. She didn't want to stay at the uno where she was but get to a more recognized one. In Berlin there was a program that is very competitive and sadly my sister didn't fullfil the requirements for that specific program but would have entered in literally any other with ease

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Final update (3 months later)

Finally, I get around to writing an update. I am sorry, that it took so long but I have a few updates to my life! I guess, however, that you guys are mainly here to see how my wedding played out and the aftermath with my family.

After I last spoke to my parents, they did not let go of their position. I was the bad guy, I was responsible for my sisters "depression" and her failing relationship. It went so far, that I had to block them and change my number as they were contacting me from relatives' phones and so on.

It was a real bummer, especially during a time that should be so special. I was harassed by my sister and her entourage on facebook and Instagram, so I simply deleted it. It was a mentally draining time, but my husband's family and friends and my brother helped me get through it. I had basically cut off every family member that had given me shit for keeping my wedding date.

My Nan came to my door a few days before the wedding begging to let her come. I had a long talk with Nan and she ended up apologizing even tho she still failed to see the logic in switching weddings. But she did not want to pressure me and wanted to be there for me. We hugged it out but our relationship is not back to normal yet.

The bachelor party was amazing. We were cooking until dawn and everything turned out to be delicious. My husband made a beautiful 3 layered cake.

Wedding day.

The morning was really good and relaxing. My bridesmaids and I got ready, we drank some Prosecco made pictures. My dress fit perfectly and I just looked gorgeous. But then came time to leave for the ceremony.

We were at the venue making "before" pictures with my friends when I saw the little car of my sister approaching the venue. Addmitetley I was shitting my pants ...or well my dress. One of my friends run to the venue to get one of the security people that we hired.

I really didn't want another hulk smash moment at my wedding. She had been angry crying and as soon as she saw me she started screaming obscenities. Apparently I am a filthy bitch that made her fiance break up with her. She was like possed and at that moment I couldn't but feel pity for her.

A thing to explain is that in the mornings the plants are always watered at the venue by some of these sprinkler systems. Thus the earth was a bit muddy. The next thing happened really fast . my sister bent down to take mud and was getting ready to throw it at me and my dress when my maid of honor sprinted towards her and pushed her so that she fell with her butt into the flowers.

The security officer arrived seconds later and removed her. And with that, I had enough ammunition to file for a restraining order against her. I didn`t even want to file a police report at this point I just wanted her to stay away from me.

The rest of the day was just amazing. I married my best friend, the love of my life and just my rock. My brother walked me down the altar. We all cried at the vows... it was just spectacular. Of course, I missed my parents but it is what it is. The celebration was very funny. My husband had studied a choreography to a Taylor Swift song with his groom's Men and the speeches could have been from a stand-up club.

We left for our honeymoon and when we came back I decided to start looking for jobs in a different city. I didn`t want to lose my friends, but I just felt like I needed a clean break. I got a new job at a university in a bigger city and we are currently in the process of moving.

But maybe the biggest change and also the most cliche change is that I am pregnant! It is a classic honeymoon -baby. We haven`t really told anybody now in fear of something happening so you nice people of Reddit are the first ones to know, besides my husband and me. I am so excited that I am tearing up just writing this. This was not something we planned for a few years but we are ecstatic regardless!

I have only heard through people in town about the rest of my family. My sister is still going around telling people that I was the reason BIL broke up with her and that I was trying to dox her or some shit. She has moved in with my parents again and refuses to work.

Nan told me that the last time she saw my parents they looked exhausted because my sister was behaving like a baby. I guess their parenting is catching up with them. I can only say, that I am really happy right now.

It hurts having lost family but at the end of the day cutting out toxic people is the best I could do. I now have a husband and a honeymoon baby on the way. My very own family. Oh and a shiny backbone.

Thank you, Reddit for reassuring me that I indeed was not being selfish, that my family was not in the right, thank you so much for just writing your comments supporting me. I even took up therapy but I have to say I am really enjoying life.

Thank you for everything.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Bluehousebluesky in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: May 9, 2022

Update: May 27, 2022

Status: concluded

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Original: WIBTA if I failed my student because she speaks with different dialect than I teach (language degree)?

We are having exams coming up and I have a huge moral dilemma. I am a lecturer at a university and one of the subjects I teach is related to phonology and pronunciation. We teach our students Castillan Spanish.

This year, I have a first year student who refuses to follow pronunciation that is being taught. She (Ava, obviously a fake name) uses a different dialect, very distinct one with a lot of very different sounds, aspirated consonant, etc. However, the dialect is very much understandable, and she uses correct grammar, etc. Admittedly, she has excellent pronunciation, much better than we would expect from our 3rd year students but it’s not something we teach.

I have asked her before to try and adhere to the pronunciation guide we teach them but she said that she learned it watching TV and picked up the accent that way and it comes naturally to her and if she tried to change it, she wouldn’t be nearly as fluent in her speech as she is now.

Technically, she isn’t doing anything wrong by using a different dialect, she’s very good at it and she’s one of our top students but I don’t think we should make exceptions as other students, who are not as good, will then expect the same leeway.

Especially that I believe that her stubbornness and refusal to even try is disrespectful to lecturers and may come across as if she’s feeling that she’s better than others and rules don’t apply to her. Buuut, course requirements don’t have specific dialect listed.

We have oral exams coming up soon and I am considering failing her if she doesn’t use dialect that is taught. I spoke to my colleagues and some of them agree with me but others have said that IWBTA because she’s not making mistakes and shouldn’t be failed for the way she speaks especially that this is how a language is used natively in some countries..

But we fail students if they speak with really bad pronunciation so I don’t see why I shouldn’t fail her for speaking with different one. So WIBTA if I failed her?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO

If another student spoke with perfect grammar and was understandable, but pronounced things slightly incorrectly (mixed in with their own accent for example) would they still completely fail, or just get a slightly lower grade? Would you be grading her completely equivalently to this scenario?

Also, is there any requirement stated anywhere that they need to speak a specific dialect?

>OOP: That highly depends, if their pronunciation was bad, their grade would be lowered significantly and they could potentially fail. Majority of the grade is based on pronunciation. Grammar is a separate course.

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Comment2: YTA - would a student fail English class for having a British accent?

>OOP: It’s not an English class, it’s a language degree, that’s different. And it’s not unusual for English language degrees to have accent requirements (often receive pronunciation).
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Comment2: So Spanish from a white European country is correct, but Spanish from a South American country isn't? Hmmm....
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OOP: Depends on your location. If you’re teaching in Texas, it would be expected to teach Mexican Spanish, if you’re teaching in France, Spain one is expected. A bit of logic doesn’t hurt.

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Comment3: YTA. I’m a university lecturer of Spanish as well. Castilian Spanish is only spoken in one country (Spain) so any Latin American dialect would be more in tune with what is spoken in the vast majority of the Spanish-speaking world. You would be an elitist and a terrible educator to fail her.

>OOP: It’s not about majority, it’s about proximity to countries.

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Comment4: Well you did not give any proper reason for your dislike of other dialects. The proximity to Spain is not convincing. The Castilian dialect is incredibly diverse and Latin American dialects are omnipresent as well. What’s your reason for your dislike if it’s not for classist or xenophobic nor understandability or the correctness of her grammar?

>OOP: Dislike? I didn’t give you a reason because I don’t have any. My favorite dialects are from Latin America which I genuinely prefer over one being taught.
The fact remains that we teach specific dialect, the course is phonology which focuses on pronunciation. Grammar course are separate subjects. Proximity is very much a thing, the same way English degrees teach specific accent, French degrees and so on.

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Comment5: You know damn well you're the asshole here. The student has learned through outside resources, rather than just the class. What she has done deserves encouragement and praise, not being failed.

If the Castillan pronunciation is school policy, whoever put that in place are assholes too. If she can communicate properly with Spanish speakers, and it sounds like she can, surely the dialect is less important.

YTA, give Ava the grade she deserves.

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Comment6: It also feels weirdly like Spanish Elitism. Like I grew up around Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Hatian, etc. and if I were to take a Spanish course I would feel very weird using “Castilian” pronounciation because I grew up my entire life learning… not that.

I’m just simply not going to force a “th” for my c/z sounds. And if someone failed me for using the wrong dialect I would call them a whole ass colonizer. Sorry but I’m not going to say grathy-ath instead of gracias or antish instead of antes.

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Comment7: Do you really need Reddit to tell you how to grade? Id be horrified if any class I was paying good money for had to consult Reddit to figure out how to grade me. Is there no way to discuss this with your department chair?

Adding judgment: YTA

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Update (18 days later)

I figured that those who read the post would appreciate an update regarding the student you tried to protect.

I read your comments and you’re right, I would’ve been an ass if I failed her. Her pronunciation is excellent and it would be a shame to force her to change it. I made my decision and I think you’ll be happy to find out what it was and how her exam went.

Had a chat with Ava and told her how well she’s done this year. I explained that students are taught specific pronunciation but there’s no correct/incorrect accent and we will not expect her to change it seeing how well she’s doing.

But since we teach certain pronunciation, she’s expected to know pronunciation rules we teach and told her to just know the difference in pronunciation without actually having to implement it. During her exam, she was asked a few questions regarding pronunciation differences and the rest was just the standard exam conversation and presentation.

She was marked based on the dialect she speaks. She passed with flying colors and, she doesn’t know it yet, but will receive scholarship next year for her grades.

And going forward, we’ll make sure that students who speak with different dialect will get full grades as long as they know the differences in pronunciation between regions (which we require anyway but wasn’t part of the exam).

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I did my Master thesis on this very thing regarding heritage language learners in regular foreign language classrooms. (Students that may have different dialects from the standard dialect taught, students with advanced knowledge from hearing it at home, etc. and how to incorporate these types of learners or create classes specifically for them). Glad to hear you did the right thing.

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Comment2: I'm French, and studied English studies as my degree. I spent a year abroad in Ireland (organised by my French uni) and was marked down on an oral exam because my accent was "incoherent and a mix of American and British pronunciation".

I tried to argue that my accent was influenced by my year in Ireland, but they insisted I choose either Standard American or RP. I worked super hard to on my RP accent, and got full marks after that, but now I'm kinda stuck with that accent (and I live in Scotland, so it's even more jarring lol).

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Comment3: Happy you came to the right conclusion. Same thing happened to me when I moved from the US to Germany. They teach British English, and I was constantly marked wrong for pronunciation, even if I followed the correct words like rubbish instead of garbage.

It didn’t change anything, I still obviously speak American English fluently, but the teachers sure got their power trips over it and continued to punish me throughout my entire school career for not suddenly becoming British.

You’re a teacher, not a dictator. Rules are wonderful guidelines but you have to be able to take in circumstance and adjust those rules. Best teacher I ever had loved that I spoke American English and had me read out loud to the class to highlight differences in the two variants. Love seeing Reddit actually making a difference.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user FewSense1069 in r/ AITAH

Original: Aug 14, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for giving my brother a reality check

I (23F) was drinking with my brother (20M) last Sunday. We were talking about life and stuff, when he brought up my academic achievements. For context, I am about to graduate with latin honors and I'm starting law school.

He was basically talking about how lucky I was to be born smart, that I got all the braincells and didn't left him any, and that I MUST be the favorite because my parents are paying for my law school. I didn't have a problem with what he said, it was how he said it. He stated it so bitterly that it rubbed me the wrong way.

I do not believe that all my effort in college was 'luck'. I was working since first year, while maintaining a scholarship. I saved enough money for the first two years of law school, and bought my own motorcycle. While my brother dropped out of college and started a business with a loan from my parents.

The exact words that I said to him are, "Bro, you had the opportunity to go to college with our parent's money, you were given your own car, and the business that you have is started with our parent's money. I am the oldest, all I had was expectation and congratulations. You are the lucky one, not me"

I translated it btw because English is not our first language. He went silent and just smiled thinly, then said that he was sleepy and went home.

Was I too harsh? I did try to talk to him but he was always busy.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO - is your brother academically gifted?  Did he actually try in school? Is he generally hard working?  Is he working hard at his business?  How much money did your parents give him to start his business?

>OOP: My brother is not academically gifted but he was athletic in highschool, like track and field.
I wouldn't say he's particularly hard working, but is hands-on on his business.
It was around 200k in our currency, which is a significant amount for us.

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Comment2: Intelligence is parttly inherent, partly trained.
Did he spend his childhood and adolescence ranking his brains to do well, or slacking off?

>OOP: Admittedly, he was a slacker. He was one those student athletes that was given too much leeway. I think part of why he feels this way might because our parents wanted him to be a police officer. They were disappointed when he dropped out.

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Comment3: Wait. Not having a problem with "what" he said, but "how" is honestly silly in this context. "Luck" is the word you're stuck on...yet you said it wasn't what he said but how. You talking about opportunity to go to college, or getting parent's money was not what he was talking about. He was talking about your smarts and intelligence.

But it seems you lack a little of both in this sense because you couldn't sparse through the words and TAKE THE COMPLIMENT! I could see if it was a friend or classmate, but it was your brother, whom put himself down to put you up.

>OOP: Yeah, I think I worded it wrong. English is not our first language, and there's a certain phrase for 'luck' in our language that I can't translate to English.

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Comment4: He's still growing up, you gave him an adult reality check. I'd be happy if my siblings had an honest enough relationship with me to give me harsh truths. In fact my older brother did when I was in college and I needed it. NTA.

>OOP: I hope that we will have a heart to heart about this subject because hurting him wasn't my intention. I was, admittedly, drunk and said those things without thinking that he might've felt down about himself.
While I will not apologize for saying it to him, I will clarify that I think we're just different. And that doesn't mean that I am 'better' than him in anyway. We have different paths in life and I need him to at least acknowledge that he was given the opportunities that I wasn't.

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Comment5: You took this as a lack of acknowledgement of all your hard work, but this was your brother being self deprecating; he was pretty much saying that he thinks he's dumb.
You two just had completely different views of this conversation. NAH

>OOP: Reading you guys' comment did made me realise that I might have responded wrong on what he said. I'm thinking of talking to him this Saturday for our family weekly dine out.

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Update:

I cornered my brother before lunch earlier and talked to him for a bit. I apologized for how I responded to him, when he said that he was sorry too. Apparently, he felt insecure by how our parents were talking about my achievements.

He was feeling stressed and pressured by his business, he owns a computer parts and repair shop. He admitted that he did feel jealous of me. He shared that when I was busy with school and work, he had a talk with our parents were they compared us. And he was basically called a failure for dropping out.

I admit, I do know that our parents always compared us with each other. I just didn't know that he felt that way about me. I always though of my brother as kind and I never felt like we were competing with each other because we were always so different. He also said that I kinda triggered him (before he said all the stuff about me) when I told him that he had it easy.

I did tell him that I don't think he's a failure, and that we need to have another talk or hang out more. Our talk was short but we did end up making plans for a motorcycle ride tomorrow after church. He has a new Yamaha R3 (i think?), we're planning on taking it for a spin.

Thank you everyone for the advice.
And I hope that everyone has or will have a fun Saturday!
(Shout out to that one redditor for making me understand our different circumstances!)

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user AnxiousJournalist2 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Feb 8, 2019

Update: July 6, 2019

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for not wanting my fiancee to dance to a love song dedicated to her late fiance at our wedding?

Before we met, my fiancee Kayla was engaged to a man she had dated for three years who died in a traffic accident. I had never dated a woman who had that kind of loss before, so I've been learning as I go, but I've tried to respect that he will always be a part of her story, and I accepted her relationship with her late fiance's parents with open arms.

They stayed very close, and by the time we started dating they were basically like a second set of parents to her. Kayla's real parents and her late fiance's parents are all amazing people, so I consider myself pretty lucky to have two sets of great in-laws.

Our wedding is coming up in May, and Kayla told me that after her father-daughter dance, she would like to have a second dance with her late fiance's father to the song Vanilla Twilight. She asked me if I was comfortable with that, and I didn't want to be "that guy" and say no, so I said yes.

But really, it makes me uncomfortable that she would be dancing to a love song dedicated to another man at our wedding. I am happy to make space in our lives for his memory. A photo of him is on our mantle at home, we make it a point to commemorate his birthday the anniversary of his death, and I feel like I am understanding and supportive when she has bad days.

And I am 100% fine with having his parents at the wedding because, like I said, we are all a family. But I also feel like our wedding is one day that it all about our relationship.

Am I the jerk if I ask her to reconsider this dance? What are the best compromises here?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NAH. I’m assuming her biological dad is going to walk her down the aisle, and also have the father-daughter dance. It’s nice that she is acknowledging her relationship with her “other” father figure. Think about it from their point of view- she was supposed to marry their son. It’s a nice gesture by her to acknowledge the role they play in her life.

I’m not gonna pretend like it wouldn’t irk me, too. But I don’t think you should ask her not to do it. Try as we might, we can’t really understand what that moment will mean for her and her late-ex’s parents. Weddings already stir up lots of emotions, but for someone who dealt with the death of a fiancé, I can imagine it will be even more emotional. It’s good for her to have an outlet, honestly.

To you, it may seem like a really big deal. But think about it. The wedding invitations are going to have your names on it, you are going to get to see her walk down the aisle toward you, you get to take her on honeymoon.

It is still YOUR day. She’s marrying YOU, she loves YOU. If you ask her to reconsider, she will either not do it (and probably regret it), or do it, but the moment will be ruined for her.

Btw, you sound like a really great dude. Sorry about your tough situation.

>OOP: This was a very helpful comment. It does feel better to think of it as more of a gesture towards her second father figure.

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Comment2: NTA. Also, it’s weird to have a picture of him on the mantle. It’s a tragic loss but she needs to move on. Or you do.

>OOP: I definitely don't feel disrespected. We have traveled to six countries together and have plenty of photos and mementos of us pretty much all over the house. The single photo of him does not bother me at all.

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Comment3: NTA- you might want to honestly ask her to sit down and reconsider if she is ready to be married to someone else though. she still sounds very much invested in this other man, whether he is alive or not, and she just doesnt sound ready to commit to another person. ask her if she is truly ready to commit or she is just honestly doing it because she thinks she should or it will help her move on

>OOP: I guess it sounds like he is constantly on her mind because I only wrote two paragraphs that were wholly focused on this issue. But it has been about seven years since he died, and I think she has processed her grief in a healthy way and doesn't dwell on it.

>We have our own inside jokes and our own hobbies and experiences that are unique to us. I can truly say I'm marrying my favorite person in the world, we are each other's absolute best friend. I don't have any illusions that our life together will entail her forgetting about her late fiance, nor would I want that. Two anniversaries a year and a photo really don't represent a significant portion of her thoughts and feelings

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Comment4: NTA, this situation is weird though, seems she isn’t over that ex. Definitely odd to make your special day based around that, seems you’ll always come second to the previous fella.

>OOP: He's not an ex, and I would never ask her to "get over" him. I'd like to think I'm not so pointlessly macho that I would feel threatened by a dead man.

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Comment5: NTA but that doesn't mean she is one... You already said you are ok with it. "This day would be about our relationship." Well, it is. Both persons are bringing their own baggage, here happens to be her dead ex.

>OOP: We don't ever refer to him as her ex, since they never broke up. Obviously if it was her ex the whole idea would be a non-starter. I see your perspective, but I'm struggling with it.

>To be honest, although I think I am generally good about her grief, I have asked a lot of her in the relationship. She has moved cities and jobs for me, so I have been thinking that just letting her have this dance would be a way of paying her back for all the sacrifices she made for me.

>But I also want to be genuinely okay with it and not do it just to even an imaginary score. Obviously it's a very complicated situation.

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Comment6: NTA. Go read the lyrics, guys. They are so insanely inappropriate for a wedding that I'd actually be embarrassed and hurt for OP if I was at the reception.

I think the idea of dancing with her second dad is lovely, but by GOD, OP, you're well within your rights to ask for a less creepy song. Perhaps an instrumental part of if she won't budge. But those lyrics have no place in your wedding day. Good grief.

Edit: I also don't think that a wedding is the right place to be mourning a past love. I say this as someone who lost her forever person in his late 20s, and met my (hopefully second!) life partner on my ex's birthdate, when he should have been turning 30. I sobbed through our first date lol because I only remembered part way through.

So anniversaries are sometimes marked with a little "ex would have been x old today" and my boyfriend will give me space to remember. But it's us now, and that's who I need and want to be putting my energy towards loving and making feel loved.

I don't know how long it is since your partner's ex died, but if the grief is still strong perhaps a session or two of counselling may help her? Weddings are stressful enough without to deal with the wistfulness of a past love.

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Comment7: Someone posted the lyrics earlier. It's a love lost, love song. It strikes me as almost inappropriate for the setting. I personally wouldn't know hour to take it. Think he should open up about his feelings with her on it. As long as he owns those feelings and leaves the choice to her it will be OK.

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Update (5 months later)

Two months ago, I married the love of my life. I was thinking about this thread the other day, how it went, and where my head was at when I made it, and I thought you guys might like an update.

A little anticlimactically, the thing I was stressing about was a bit of a miscommunication, which probably happens a lot here. Kayla wanted to dance with her late fiance's (I'll go ahead and just call him Luke from now on) father at our wedding, and Vanilla Twilight was an example of a song along the lines of what she wanted, not the set-in-stone top choice like I had thought.

I (and a lot of commenters in the original thread) spent a lot of time over-analyzing the lyrics to that song looking for hidden meaning in every word, while it turns out she hadn't put much more thought into the suggestion than "This is a kind of sad song that I like."

We got together that night and she had made several playlists of possible first dance songs for us, songs for when she walks down the aisle, music to play at the reception, and song choices for her dance with Luke's father.

We spent hours listening to them all and talking about the wedding. We even made a tournament-style bracket for our first dance song in her journal and put songs head to head against each other until the victor emerged.

And at the end, we talked about the wedding and our relationship, Luke and their relationship, and grief, what it was like when she lost him and what it was like for me when I lost my mom at a young age, what a family is, and all the things we're hopeful for for the future. We stayed up until three in the morning just talking and planning and laughing and crying a little, and I'm so glad for it.

After getting bombarded by dozens of different opinions from dozens of different people earlier that day, I had been worried that I was going to have a conflict with my fiancee shortly before our wedding. But there was no conflict, just a pure memory.

After that night, I starting putting in more effort to be involved with the wedding planning process and actually ask for the things I wanted, which Kayla actually really appreciated. We also took a long weekend a couple of weeks before the wedding to go on a camping trip together for just the two of us, which I highly recommend to anyone who is getting married.

Overall, there was a complete flip in my feelings leading up to the wedding from being somewhat insecure and excited but nervous to being completely at ease, excited, and feeling stronger about my relationship than ever.

The wedding day itself was really wonderful and worth the wait. Kayla and Luke's father had their dance to Lean On Me, and I also had a dance with Kayla's mom and it was very emotional in a good way.

I really felt that the day was a celebration of our love, and I was genuinely happy that Luke's parents were there to celebrate along with us because they are very much members of our family and I wish I had the space to describe all the ways they've been there for us through the years.

My amazing wife is who she is because of all the experiences that she has had in her life, and I don't want to be the kind of man who asks her to pretend that she has never loved before me or pretend that her grief is something that is or should be done with forever now that she has me. I just want to say how glad I am that we shared that night together and that the wedding was nothing but love and celebration. I never thought I could be so happy.

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Comments:

Comment1: Lean On Me is such a perfect fit. Your wedding sounds beautiful. Maybe I missed it, but what was the song you two danced to?

>OOP: These were all the dances:
Me & Kayla - You're the Inspiration (Chicago)
Kayla and her dad - Only the Young (Journey)
Kayla and Luke's dad - Lean on Me (Bill Withers)
Me and Kayla's mom - Sunshine on my Shoulders (John Denver)

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Comment2: Wait, you dealt with it like an adult instead of overreacting and following the advice of randos on the Internet?

>OOP: It seems obvious now, haha.
It's funny because when Kayla would ask people online or talk to "regular" people about her loss, she'd get responses like "Oh seven years ago? That's ancient history!" and basically acted like she was broken if she was ever sad about Luke again. And when she would talk to people in the grief community she never got that response, it was always "Wow, so you're just coming out of where it's very fresh, huh?"

>She recommended a podcast to me called Griefcast that I found enormously helpful, not just with understanding her feelings but processing some of my own feelings about my late mom, who I had a difficult relationship with. It really helps to talk to people and listen to stories of people who have gone through loss themselves, especially people who have experienced things outside of the "norm" of loss (grandparents, elderly parents, etc.)

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Comment3: This is so freaking true, oh my gosh. I feel like probably the people commenting just never dealt with a loss like that. There’s this weird notion that if someone is ever sad over a late love, that somehow that means they don’t really love the person they are with now. It’s some kind of empathy gap.

>OOP: Agreed. It would be like telling someone whose child died that a child they had after was "second place" or wasn't loved as much as the dead child. I think one thing that really put things into perspective was the notion that grief is not about feeling a little better each day until you're 100% better again. Rather, it's about healing and having fewer and fewer bad days.

>The first six months, for example, every single day might be bad. Then the next six months, you have a bad day every week. Then a bad day every month, and so on...obviously not so clean and linear in real life, but that's the general idea. And I think that's something I dealt with when I lost my mom, without realizing it.

>I trust Kayla to let me know when she's having a tough time, and she's to the point where it's almost never a very rough day for her except the anniversary of his death, and I don't see the need to make it a goal for her to never feel sad about his death ever again.

>I think people are made uncomfortable by grief. They want their loved one to hurry up and "move on" and "get over" their lost loved one so that they can go back to being the person they were before the death. But I didn't know Kayla before her grief, so I wouldn't want her to be anything other than who she is now.

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Comment4: I'm getting married soon and I have a late fiance who took his own life, so I felt for her in the previous post. It doesn't make sense because I'm marrying someone else, but in my mind, my late fiance is someone who should be at my wedding day.

I understand her desire to honor him. I also feel for you, since it's a difficult spot to be put in but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Glad yall resolved it. That level of problem solving and communication will serve you well in your marriage. Good luck OP!

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Comment5: I mean, if Luke hadn't passed away, your wife would be with him.

>OOP: This line of thinking has never bothered me, because it can be applied to so many other situations. All of life is millions of branching paths of choices that we do and do not make. It doesn't bother me to think that my wife would be with Luke if he hadn't died because, well...he has died, so that is not the situation.

>And it is only because that happened that my wife became the person I fell in love with. I have an ex-partner who I was very much in love with years ago, but we split up due to circumstances beyond either of our control. If that hadn't happened, then there's a good chance I would be married to her instead. But that's not the situation. That doesn't diminish the love that I have for my wife, and my wife having lost someone very dear to her doesn't diminish the love she has for me.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Yaboyred5577 in r/ dogs

Original: Aug 8, 2019

Update: Aug 9, 2019

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

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Original: [help] my sister was attacked by a dog and now is terrified of our dogs, our parents said we might have to re-home them if this continues.

Four days ago my 9yr old sister and i (14M) were out in the front yard pulling weeds and doing yard work when a large Anatolian Shepherd ran down the street directly at us, i tried to put myself between it and my sister but the dog got to her first and latched onto her arm and snapping at her leg. I kicked it off and it went after me but i was able to fend it off with the small shovel i was holding (but not before it had taken a snap at my hand).

It ran off and i later found out that the owner was out of town and it attacked the dog walker when she came to walk it, running out the door and finding us a few blocks over, animal control caught it shortly after.

So anyway i had walked away with a small puncture wound on my hand and my sister with a sprained wrist, a large messy bite on her arm, and a puncture on her thigh. We were taken to the hospital by our father and sent home with a brace for my sister, a few stitches on her arm, and a cleaning and bandage for both her leg and my hand.

She is now (understandably) petrified of other dogs, and was even terrified of my aunts super sweet yellow lab that shes known since she was 4 when they visited on Monday. She becomes super tense when one of our dogs (our GSD and Malinois) approach her and even started to cry when the our Mal curled up next to her on the couch yesterday.

My stepmother and father had a discussion and decided that if they were going to cause so much fear from her that we might have to re-home them, i am personally stunned by this as we all love both of them a ton and neither have ever shown even a hint of aggression.

I grew up with our Shepherd King and hes my best friend, the thought of me never seeing him again makes me super upset, and even our Mal who we only adopted a few months ago ive gotten super close to and love like hell.

I dont know, im kind of freaking out and i know that my sister is terrified and that makes me feel like a POS for wanting to keep them around. I could really use some honest opinions on what you would do in this situation, its my parents decision though and i know i cant stop them from making it but i would like some peace of mind.

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Comments:

Comment1: Definitely get her to a trauma therapist and discuss the issue. Have that person guide you in this decision.

Your parents are discussing rehoming the dogs, even though they pose no threat, because children come first. They're good parents and aren't doing this against the dogs, but rather for your sister.

Hopefully a therapist can help find a happy outcome to all of this. I'm sorry this happened to you - heal up fast and keep being an awesome big brother. I'd be proud to have a son like you!

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Comment2: Therapy. Therapy is a better option. I was bitten as a child, and as a result spend my life avoiding dogs like the plague - I'm talking changing the side of the street when someone walking their dog was approaching me, screaming from afar when I saw someone with an off leash dog in the woods, not entering a house when a dog was inside etc. It had severe impact on my life.

Your sister needs help with this now. If it isn't tackled, she will most likely develop a deeply ingrained fear that will affect her life. It's a fear/phobia that is relatively easy to live with, but life is a lot easier and more fun if you are not afraid of dogs. It took me almost 40 years to get over my fear and I wish I had resolved it much earlier. It is possible, though - I have a dog myself now.

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Comment3: This is definitely a difficult topic that goes well beyond what we on Reddit can do to help, but, running away from the fear and issues with dogs won’t help anything down the road in my opinion.

Seeing a therapist and learning that most dogs you’ll encounter aren’t out to get you will be very beneficial . Learning and pushing past the fear at a young age should definitely be better in the long run than living an entire life with a fear that could have been prevented. Best of luck to you and your family either way though!

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Update: (next day)

First off i want to say a huge thanks to the people who offered their advice, it really helped me clear my head and feel better about this whole thing.

I talked to my parents and offered the idea of trauma therapy, i explained to them that it would benefit no one if she is afraid of dogs for the rest of her life. I also called my own therapist and she recommended a trauma therapist who would be able to help us for a reasonable price.

With this I've put their re-homing on hold for now and hopefully it doesn't have to happen at all, and on a happy note i talked to my sister and she doesn't want our dogs to be re-homed either, even if she is scared of it happening again.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice and kind words, i dont think i would have been able to approach it in this way if i didn't have it.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user anonymousaccount2411 in r/ offmychest

Original: Nov 26, 2025

Update: Dec 23, 2025

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU

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Original: My sibling is in a "relationship" with AI and it's killing me inside because this is completely delusional

(I'm posting this anonymously because I can't deal with the jokes, or the vitriol from people like my sibling that I received when I mentioned this situation a comment.)

I have an older sibling. For several months my sibling has been talking about being in a relationship. Going to restaurants, on dates etc. The two of them even took an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. I was happy my sibling found someone. Everyone in my family was happy. We had no idea what was really going on.

Last month I had my 35th birthday. Myself and my family were supposed to meet my sibling's significant other. It's AI. My sibling isn't dating a real person. My sibling is dating AI and is delusional and believes it is a real relationship.

None of us saw this coming and by now my entire extended family knows too. My sibling has no history of mental illness or mental health issues. But my sibling is convinced that this is a real relationship, equivalent to a relationship between two real people. My sibling kept going on and about us meeting this "person". Everyone thought my sibling was dating a real person.

This is killing me and everyone else in my family because my sibling insists it is a real relationship and that the AI is a person, "just like you and me". My sibling gets furious when any of us refer to the AI as it. We don't know what to do. My parents are distraught and so are the rest of us. So is my extended family.

My sibling refuses to get professional help. It is killing me inside to see this happen. My sibling actually wants everyone to apologise to the AI for the mistreatment. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us because they are not prejudiced like we are.

I know people make jokes but this is serious. My sibling is in love with AI. We are scared because this is not normal. None of us know what to do because my sibling refuses to see how delusional this is. I haven't told anyone outside my family because I can't take anyone making jokes about my sibling but I had to get this out somewhere.

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Comments:

Comment1: Sending you so much support, I have a friend who works in psychology getting her masters who said she’s seen this increasingly nowadays. That’s so tough to be on the outside of and I hope it all resolves well for everyone 🫂

>OOP: Thank you, I appreciate it. I am shocked to find out that there are many people in the same situation as my sibling. I had no idea about it before this.

Comment2: There’s a subreddit for it and it’s wild

>OOP: I posted anonymously mostly because of them. When I mentioned what was happening with my sibling in a comment (not in even in their subreddit) I received so much vitriol and threats that I had to delete the comment and turn off my messages. I had no idea people dating AI was a real thing and I was shocked to get so much hate.

Comment3: Your sibling is having a delusion. I am not an expert by any means in dealing with delusional disorders, but I do know that the advice I have read is to validate their feelings without validating their delusional beliefs..

Your siblings feelings are real even if the object of them is not. You may not be able to force them to get help, but you can get help for yourself maybe you and your family can consult with a mental health professional as to how to approach this. In any event I wish you all luck

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Update (month later)

There hasn't been a resolution. My sibling is still "in a relationship" with AI. Some people might make jokes about this but I'm distraught and so is everyone in my family. I love my sibling, and none of us saw this coming.

My sibling has no history of mental illness or previous mental health issues. It came out of nowhere. My sibling talked as though it was a real relationship, where they went on dates, went out to restaurants etc. The two of them even went on an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. There have been relationships with real people in the past so none of us suspected anything was wrong.

All of us have tried getting through to my sibling but nothing works. My sibling insists it is a real relationship and gets angry if anyone calls the AI "it". We're supposed to treat the AI as a real person. My sibling calls anyone who doesn't support the relationship prejudiced and says it's the same as people being against same sex marriage.

Anyone who says the AI isn't a real person gets cut off. My sibling isn't coming to Christmas and won't talk to us now. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us.

I can't believe my sibling cut me off because I believe AI isn't a real person. I probably won't post again, and I know this wasn't much of an update. I hope my sibling comes to their senses because this isn't healthy or normal. I still feel sick over it.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Total-Stock3170 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Dec 17, 2025

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for buying my nephew piano lessons for his birthday?

I recently decided that I wanted to shift in buying experience presents instead of material gifts as kids have so many toys it seems. Over the last couple years, every time my nephew (6 years old) is at my house he always wants to play on my piano or requests that I play for him.

I thought it might be nice for his birthday to buy him piano lessons for the year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were ok with this and I offered to drive him to and from lessons as well as gave my extra keyboard for him to practice on.

I made it clear to his parents that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested past the year, but if he wanted to continue that I would continue to pay the tuition. It was more to provide that opportunity to him, he is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music.
Edit to say: they both said they were ok with this gift prior to be gifting it

Of course my nephew was thrilled when he got the gift.

But after the party, I got a text from my SIL basically saying that I need to back off and that I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child and dictate what programs they are involved in and that if I want to put a child in music, I ought to have a child myself.

She further went on to say that if I really cared about the rearing of their child and their wishes, that I would have purchased tuition to skating lessons as they want their boy to play hockey.

I haven't yet responded because I don't know what to say. I am afraid of making things worse.

I suppose in some sense, yes, I picked piano lessons, because I myself am a musician and that is the world I am familiar with. But I also considered how much my nephew loves playing on the piano when he is over.

And, yes, I knew that his parents wanted him to play hockey, because that is what they both played as kids. But I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have many opportunities to try different things. I mean growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey and all at fairly high levels. It was all part of being a well-rounded person.

And further, I didn't want to take away the parents special moment in signing him up for hockey/skating lessons themselves. IDK I'm just wondering from other parents here if I've done something wrong. I don't have kids myself, so perhaps I have overstepped. I certainly wasn't trying to take something away from them or push their child into a path.

I don't know where to go from here.

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[did you explicitly check with parents?]

OOP: I did give them all the info and in all fairness he doesn’t do any other extra curricular. It was over text message so perhaps they didn’t like it from the start and it bubbled out afterwards? But they had all the info from the get go

OOP: Yes, cleared it with them both on a group text message. They said it was ok. Then it was a day after the party I got the direct message from my SIL. But I wonder if they didn’t like it from the jump but didn’t say no to me at the time. I probably should’ve called instead so I could hear their tone of voice. But they did say yes.

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[are you steering nephew towards your interests? why not give trial lessons first?]

OOP: Yeah, I think all this is very fair. The material gift thing though came about because my SIL and brother often talk about that they have no room for all the toys etc, so I figured hell let’s try something else.

I do think maybe it was overboard - and I should’ve started with only a few classes… I think once I got their go ahead I just went with what I knew, which is you signed up for the whole year to give it a good try. I didn’t really think about it.

I didn’t really think about him being six, because to be fair most of the people that play music at the conservatory start around 5-6. I sincerely meant that I don’t care if he doesn’t wish to continue, bc it’s up to the child in the end to determine their likes and dislikes.

However, I thought it was a fun gift bc nephew genuinely seems to like playing and seems to enjoy the informal little lessons I can give, I thought it was a good fit. But I can see why it could come across as presumptuous.

I think I was so hyper aware that I didn’t want to cause them work, which is why I offered to drive but likely that came off that I was being overbearing perhaps…. Yeah, as I said before in comment section, I’ll just go with their flow. I don’t want to cause problems that would drive a wedge.

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA. You asked, they agreed. Now what? They're changing their minds why? What's really going on?
That'd be my reply message: I asked you this, you agreed with it, now what has changed?

Comment2: I think your nephew is more interested in music than playing hockey. your sil doesn't like it and so is blaming you.

Comment3: Signing kids up for sports and extra-curriculars really is a parent thing.
I side with your SIL on that statement she made ... You can decide that for your own kids, but were out of line (IMO) doing that for hers. Doesn't make you an AH, just a bit niave I guess.

>OOP: Just to clarify. I did not fill out any forms - I sent an etransfer to the parents for full cost of tuition for the year, which they have accepted. The parents said they would do the registration- and there isn’t a problem with teacher availability - and I sent them all the links so it would be easy to do.
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OOP: I’ll just see what my brother thinks tonight. By virtue that the money has not been refunded to me, I’m going to assume she/they feels caught going through with the lessons bc my nephew obviously knows about them going to happen. Ughhh this all sucks so much.

Comment4: NTA - I’d just say “oh, I’m incredibly sorry, when you said you were ok with the gift, I assumed that meant you were ok with the gift. How would you like to proceed?”

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Update 0.5

Edit: wow, there is a terrifying number of responses to this haha. Thank you all for taking the time to provide your thoughts. I wouldn’t usually post but I was so deeply hurt I guess I was venting. For anyone curious, I’ll update once I chat with my bro tonight.

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Update:

As promised, the update: I’m not going to impose judgment here—just relay a summary of the convo. Fellow Redditors can make of the conversation what they wish.

I brought up the text my SIL sent me to my bro and expressed my confusion, as they had both given me consent. My brother did appear shocked at the message and said that he did not know it had been sent. That said, he did guiltily admit that there had been some conversations between his wife and her parents and sisters about my gift, and that it wasn’t an entirely kind convo.

The general tone was, “You’re allowing his aunt to pick his programming? Why aren’t you putting him in what you want?” along with snarky comments asking if it was bad form to whistle and bring cowbells to a recital and that they are gonna have to find pearls to wear. There were also some raised eyebrows about the cost of the gift when my SIL told them, and comments that it was over the top.

My brother apologized to me for not stepping in when that conversation was going on and for allowing the family to talk that way about me. He’s generally a pretty quiet guy and non confrontational… that’s not an excuse, only to say that I can see him not saying anything.

I told my brother that I don’t want to cause problems for him and his family, and that if they want, we can reduce the number of lessons to just 6–8. It feels wrong to take the lessons away completely.

My brother—who, while he was a high-level athlete through university, also played piano until he was 16—refused the reduction and said that he had no problem with a full year. He said his son has been talking about the lessons and keeps asking when they are starting.

He agreed with my philosophy (or I suppose our family philosophy) that if you are going to try something, you should at least have the discipline to try it for an entire year. Anyway, I told him I don’t want this to be a thing and that I’m happy to move on, as long as everyone else is still okay.

Within a couple of hours of me getting home, my brother sent me the registration confirmation. (For those who didn’t see my other comments, I had e-transferred the parents the entire tuition amount—which had been accepted by them prior to the party—but they still had to fill out the registration form.)

He sent the confirmation in the group message between myself, his wife, and him. All he said after that was that his son will treasure this gift—which honestly makes up for the hurt and stomach pain I’ve had over this. It’s crickets from my SIL, but imma let it go. We’ll likely need to chat about it in person at some point, but maybe once things cool off a bit .

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Easy-Opposite-1168 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Dec 18, 2021

Update: Dec 22, 2021

Status: concluded

Note: OOP used initials; included names for easier read

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Original: AITA for putting extra salt in my SIL’s food?

Throaway account I (F34) have a SIL (F25), let’s call her Hana. She’s been together with my brother Jafar (M32) for three years now. We were born in Europe but originally from the Middle-East. Hana is born and raised in Europe. Our religion and part of our culture is different from hers but we didn’t mind cause she’s a nice girl and we are open-minded.

She really tries her best to please my brother in every way. She’s learning Arabic, asking about the culture, and lately she started looking up recipes from our country too. My brother is very happy with everything she does and if he’s happy than we are too.

Last week they came to visit our whole family for lunch. Our family is pretty big with many cousins, kids, brothers, sisters, parents and grandparents. Most of them were there.

Hana made a meal which is really popular in the country we’re originally from. Everyone was amazed by it. She left it in the kitchen with all of the other dishes for later.

Well to be fair I’m cooking since I was 14 years old and I’m a pretty good cook too. I was interested how her food tasted so I tried it. It wasn’t bad but I thought maybe I could fix it up with a little salt and spices. When we served the food for lunch, everyone complimented Hana about the dish and how well she’s done it.

Here is where I might be TA. I told front of everyone that I fixed the food up with some salt and spices. Jafar got very angry and started to argue with me front of everyone. He told me there’s was nothing wrong with Hana’s meal and I shouldn’t be disrespectful.

But I believe in constructive criticism and I was trying to help her learn. After they’ve gone and I saw Hana crying in the car. My family told me I was an AH and embarrassed our guest. I feel pretty bad. AITA?

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Comments:

Comment1: YTA Let's try this...you make a meal...while you are in talking with guests your SIL goes into the kitchen, tastetests everything and decides you haven't done it to her liking and proceeds to doctor up the dishes YOU MADE.
Get it now? How would you feel? It's called "empathy" and you have none.

>OOP: I would be thankful because I know she’d be coming from a good place. I didn’t say it to her in an arrogant way, I actually tried to compliment her aswell and made sure she knows that with practice she will get even better.
I always appreciated when someone gave me honest feedback on my food and I thought she’d feel the same way. I felt like we are close enough to help each other out like this. But I have empathy for her and I regret saying anything at all. She’s shy, I should’ve just kept quiet about the spices.

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Comment2: Yeah YTA and a big one. It sounds like she is a nice person who is trying very hard to learn another culture and she went out and made dinner fir everyone, and she was probably nervous about it, and then you had to announce to the entire table that you had to fix her cooking when she was getting a lot of compliments.

If you were jealous that she was getting complimented after you added stuff to HER dish, then you shouldn’t have messed with her food. I feel so bad for her and you most definitely humiliated her.

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Comment3: YTA no one asked for your help. If you wanted to give her constructive criticism it would have been appropriate to do so privately before adding salt and spices to the food. So she could decide yay or nay

Not add it to the food, wait until the compliments rolls and go hey actually this tastes great but only because of me in front of everyone.

It was disrespectful tbh. And she's making an effort with your food and culture and learning Arabic so I'm pretty sure if you had told privately I think this food. Could need this I'm certain she would have listened to the advice.

But you legit humiliated her.

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Update 0.5

Edit: okey, so I see everyone thinks I am TA but just to clear things up, I didn’t say it in a bad way. I told her “I tried it myself and for the first try it tasted really good but I thought it could use some salt and spices so I put some more if you don’t mind. Next time it’ll be even better.” And I didn’t want to steal the spotlight, I just wanted to be honest.

Edit 2: I apologised the next day and I told her it’s a misunderstanding but my brother can’t let this go.

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Comments:

Comment4: Honestly, I'm trying to see this from OP's point of view and I can't understand how this would be a misunderstanding!

1. If the misunderstanding lies at the gf not wanting feedback while OP thought she would, OP should have asked permission to edit the food.
2. If the misunderstanding lies at OP thinking that the gf wanted to serve perfect food for the brother and parents, OP should have never said publicly that she added stuff.
3. If OP thought that the gf wanted to just show how much she tried, she should have eaten the food as it was and said that it was great, and then suggested that next time she would increase one thing (not even all the stuff)

OP is a clear AH in every scenario I can think of and this is not a misunderstanding.

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Comment5: Misunderstanding is all they have left because they can’t even think the words “I was just straight up wrong and my behavior was inappropriate, I’m sorry.” Much less say them. The misunderstanding is everyone not judging the stated intent instead of the very obvious implications and effects and let’s be honest no one is really buying the intent anyway.

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Comment6: I have a SIL like you. The end result of her repeated actions to undercut me was that her big brother (my H), whom she worshipped, cut her off completely. Is that what you want?

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Update (4 days later)

Thank you for all your comments and all the criticism. Even tho it was hard to admit first but I really messed up. After my post I started to think things through and had a long conversation with my grandparents. Lot of trauma unfolded and I realised why I was being like this with my SIL.

When I was around her age, I had a similar personality to her. Shy, kind to everyone, always smiling and being very positive. Then bad things happened and I started to change. I became this anxious, negative person who I am today.

When she became part of the family, I realised how she was and then I thought she needs to toughen up. I saw my old self in her and thought if she will stay like this, she’ll get hurt. It was something in my subconscious, I didn’t even think how toxic I am actually being to her. I hurt her, hurt my brother and embarrassed my family.

I wanted to fix things, apologise and make sure nothing like this happens again. So I invited her over for lunch. Thankfully she said yes. I looked up some recipes from her country and got to cooking. When she arrived the food was ready. She tasted it and jokingly said “it could use some salt and spices”. Oh my Lord, I deserved that haha.

Then we had a conversation about our issues and cried. It was so wholesome. We promised each other we will cook something together every weekend. Then we went to my parents house and almost everyone was there who came to visit last time. I’ve apologised from the ones I’ve hurt and promised nothing like this will ever happen again. They forgave me.

We had a good time after, lots of laughs, tea and food. Before they left, I pulled my brother to the side and gave him my phone with a confirmation email. I rented the most romantic place ever for him and my SIL to go and celebrate Christmas together. We will decorate the place with Jafar in the next few days.

And finally, I’ve decided to go to therapy and work on my issues. For the sake of myself and my family too. These few days were intense and this was a huge wake up call. One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t want to lose the ones I love the most. Thank you Reddit!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments