u/Stephenallen1977

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/HelloThere1314 posting in r/dating

Concluded

1 update - Medium

Original - 12th November 2020

Update - 16th November 2020

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I (22F) had a bad gut feeling about the guy (21M) I’ve been exclusively seeing for the past four months, so I redownloaded Tinder. His profile pictures are all from this month. And one of them is a picture I TOOK on OUR date.

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I’m ending things with him. He’s the one who told me one month into dating that he deleted Tinder to show our exclusivity. I admired that and I also deleted it promptly after. I can’t believe he’s done this to me. He said the L word first... I bought him a €200 gift for his birthday... I can’t believe it.

I’ve already made up my mind I will end it with him. I just need help on how to approach it in the best way possible. A lot of ideas have come into my head like start off innocent and ask him questions and see if he lies. Another part of me wants to just be up front and lay it out to him that I found this out and it’s over. Another part of me wants to call him out and call him all sorts of names. Any advice would be great thank you.

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Comments

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[deleted]

You should match with him

KindeTrollinya

Lol, this is perfect. Exactly what you should do, and you won't even need to have that convo with him.

Biddy0711

I would just simply show him the evidence and send him on his way in a direct manner. Make sure a friend or family member or even you neighbour knows. They don't need the why, just the what.

Asking probing questions will arouse suspicion, put him on defence and create a hostile situation where he'll reveal nothing and you'll have to show your evidence anyways.

Direct confrontation and name calling will also lead to a hostile situation and possibly put you in danger. It also leads to the possibility of him coming to you in the future "feeling guilty, look I got rid of Tinder again".

So, definitely option 1. It's the safest option and involves the least emotional turmoil for the both of you. Don't let him play the apology game and if he refuses to leave your home, go to your aforementioned support.

Speaking from lots of personal and vicarious experience on this one.

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Update - 4 days later

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Well here's my update. I feel like my life is a movie. It's a long one so hang tight.

So I confronted him about his Tinder profile. I showed him screenshots of his recent profile pics and also the one that I took of him when we were at the beach together. He admitted he did download it for a day because we've been fighting a lot but he felt "too guilty" and deleted it straight away. He said he never went through with anything because his conscience kicked in and he knew it was a selfish thing to do and that he regrets it so much and if I could ever forgive him he would do anything to make it up to me again because he feels so bad.

Even if this was true. It doesn't excuse his behaviour. It doesn't excuse his actions of downloading Tinder and updating his profile pictures. He said he "didn't go through with anything"??? That just means he was talking to girls. I told him I'm done with him. His last message to me was him telling me how sorry he was and how bad he feels and how much he regretted it and that he wants to let me know he really does love me and care about me. No he doesn't because if he did he would never have done that in the first place.

I found out on Thursday. I ended things completely on Friday. I've been fluctuating between knowing my worth to crying a lot. How can someone do this? How can you tell me you love me every night before bed and do that?

Well, here's where it gets worse. I've been thinking about all his words. Lies, really. Did he really only download it recently? Or did he have it all along? Did he really delete it after a day?

So I did some digging. Long story short I discovered one more girl who he was talking to on and off since July! I met him in July! She even noticed that I commented on his instagram pictures and asked him about me but he told her I was just someone he used to talk to! Then, I met another girl and she told me they met on Bumble on Tuesday!!! So he even had a Bumble account!! I only found out about Tinder on Thursday. She told me she's been talking to him everyday since Tuesday and they met up and went for a drive on Friday night!!! I ended things with him on Friday morning! What a scumbag.

He's a narcissistic, lying, manipulative asshole who only cares about himself. I gave him my last words and told him he needs help. How does he sleep at night? How does he live with himself lying to so many girls? What was he going to do with the Bumble girl? What if I never found out about his Tinder? What a selfish little ass of a boy. He is now blocked and deleted off everything and I am going to thrive without him in my life.

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Comments

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Radenoughyet

I’m glad that you found out sooner rather than later. I was in a relationship with (probably) a narcissist for 2 years. We were on vacation and he was in the shower of the nice hotel room I bought us, when his phone started buzzing at midnight. I had never looked at someone’s phone before but I just got a really bad feeling and I looked. He had texted her “your smile made the rain go away” among other things. My whole life came crashing down in that moment. Two years of memories, our vacation that had just started, our plans for the future. All lies. And to top it all off, he said I had violated his privacy by looking at his phone and he left me. He didn’t allow me to preserve the ounce of self esteem I could’ve kept by leaving him.

I am sharing my experience because that could’ve been you. You found out sooner rather than later, and that’s a blessing. It will hurt at first but then you will start to feel so glad that whoever he’s dating isn’t you.

I am still a little damaged from my experience, but I went on to find someone so much better and you will too.

>OOP: I am so sorry about that! Those people are not worth our time at all. They’re just a waste of space in our memories. Thank you for sharing your experience. And you’re right it’s actually a blessing. Karma will always catch up to them.

MainMan106

If you've been fighting and he downloads Tinder even for a day. It shows he has potential to cheat on you.

He's actively went out to look for someone else. Even if it were for just a day or a few hours. The fact he had the intent to do it from the start. He knew what he was doing.

When people fight. They make up. The fix things to move forward. He downloads Tinder hoping to replace you.

Youre worth more than that.

schlagzeile

Honey as a man let me tell you something.

>"said he never went through with anything because his conscience kicked in and he knew it was a selfish thing to do and that he regrets it so much and if I could ever forgive him he would do anything to make it up to me again because he feels so bad.".

This is a bunch a horse shit I would tell to a girl so she forgets and quits being mad. We know what we have to say to keep the calm.

>OOP: Yep. I look back on all the things that happened before where he made me feel crazy. He never said I was crazy. He made me feel crazy. That’s how good manipulators are.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Dizzy-University587 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Original - 14th December 2025

Update - 16th December 2025

Update - 18th December 2025

Update - 13th February 2026

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AIW for treating this as break-up worthy? Partner intentionally hid my laptop out of spite

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Some context, my partner (late 20s F) and I (late 20s F) have been together 7 years. We've had periods of breaking up and getting back together. We recently moved in together after a long period of what felt like stability and growth, but since the moving process and moving in, there's been a lot of strife and fighting--some of it old problems coming back up, and some of it new issues.

One recurring problem is my partner struggles with organization and will put her things (such as clothes, accessories, etc.) in piles in a specific but non-designated place for those things. For example, putting a pile of clothes and jewelry on the couch or entryway table. When I (or she) accidentally move these items, usually due to needing to use that space for its intended purpose, or some other purpose, it becomes a huge problem. She gets frustrated and overwhelmed quickly, has wanted me to drop what I'm doing to look for it (with an undercurrent of it being my fault it's misplaced and my responsibility to find it--which makes me not want to help anymore), and half the time it ends up in a fight. It's exhausting.

We're still in the process of unpacking and settling it and right now one of our bathrooms is filled with storage. She put a stack of her clothes, including a hat, on top of the storage items. I needed to get to those items to organize the house and I did my best to put her things together. I don't recall moving the hat. Cue breakfast time, we're having a fine morning, chatting and everything is good. She's getting dressed and goes to get her hat, which is not where she remembers putting it. Immediately she's upset with me, telling me I need to stop touching her stuff, and how I always do this and she is agitated and frustrated. I tell her calmly but firmly that I have no intention of moving her things, but if I need to get to the storage I will simply have to touch her stuff. And that it probably fell behind some things and to keep looking because I know she will find it. She didn't want to hear that, she became increasingly more upset talking at me, stormed around criticizing me instead of actively looking, and I lost my patience and left on a walk in the middle of her talking.

Fast forward to that afternoon. Partner is not home. I'm looking around for my laptop--I have finals due the next day and I need to start working (keep in mind I do have another laptop that I just bought to replace my old one, but I hadn't set it up yet; and to manage my fickle ADHD motivation, I was going to use setting up my computer as a reward for completing my finals on my old laptop). I can't find my laptop anywhere. It's not in the place I always leave it. My gut immediately says that she took it or moved it, but I decide to look around first and make sure I didn't miss anything. I look EVERYWHERE. I text her "Did you take my laptop with you?" She takes a while to text back "no I don't have your laptop." I ask if she's seen it and she can check her icloud since it used to be connected?-- "no it's been disconnected for a while." I text again "Okay so have you seen it?" No reply. I am now 95% convinced she's lying to me but I didn't want to believe that she would actually do this.

She comes home in the evening--I ask again about my laptop. She sits on the couch, not looking at me, focusing on something else while I'm asking to talk to her about it. She chortles at my suggestion that "the only other logical option if you don't have it and it's not in the apartment is that it's stolen" (we live in a building). I keep pressing her, she says offhandedly "i dont know did you check that closet?" She walks over to the closet to put away her jacket and I walk over, to watch her, suspecting she would pull it out of her bag or something. I didn't see her move anything and I ask "why would you suggest that closet specifically?" This goes on for a few more minutes with her smiling smugly and snickering and I'm getting increasingly upset. She's telling me she's too busy to help me find my laptop by answering my questions. Finally I walk over again to the closet, the tiniest piece of doubt wondering if maybe I didn't check it fully--and lo and behold it's sitting right there on top of some jackets, the same jackets I completely pulled out of the closet while digging through to find my laptop--it wasn't there before. I absolutely lose it. I am livid. I am yelling at her that she is weird and that was cruel and disgusting behavior. I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her and I do not want to be in a relationship like this. Once I say that, she doubles down since I "bro ke up with her" and just proceeds to dismiss that its just a computer and it's not that serious--and was attempting STILL to make it seem like it was there in the closet the whole time (turns out she hid it on a top shelf--the only place in this entire apartment I didn't check).

She still has not apologized and said she has no reason to "since we're bro ken up." Her response and the whole situation made me feel sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate "pranks" (she knows this) and this wasn't even a prank--she basically admitted to doing this because she was pissed at me for "losing her hat" (MIND YOU i found her damn hat while looking for my laptop, exactly where I said it would be!) This feels extremely serious to me. It doesn't feel like a petty little act. It feels disrespectful, like a breach of my privacy and our shared space, and genuinely cruel. I told her I don't think you can care for someone and love them and do something like this, intentionally cause them distress, confusion, and harm. I cannot fathom how she though this would play out...

The whole process of "brea king up" is daunting and I historically have not been good at maintaining my boundaries and my resolve when bre aking up in the past (I initiated, but we were both expressing unhappiness). We live together now and while the apartment is spacious, it is challenging to split up rooms (only 1 bed) and the other room is still being used as storage. And finding a new apartment is even more challenging with financial constraints having just moved so recently. I have been feeling a lot of frustration with our dynamics aside from this situation, as has she. I love her a lot, but I'm at my wits end. I don't know if things will get better or if we are doomed. We've tried couple's counseling again recently, and it didn't go well--partner was shut down and didn't like the therapist. Our communication is not improving. I need advice on how to move forward in this situation.

TL;DR: I (mid-20s F) recently moved in with partner (mid-20s F), after being together 7 yrs. been having issues exacerbated by the move and old issues resurfacing. she blamed me for her hat getting misplaced when it was on a pile of storage and then intentionally hid my main laptop from me the day before my finals are due and lied about it for hours through text and in my face. I feel livid, hurt, and at my wits end. I love her a lot, but I don't know how to move forward or if this relationship can be saved. I would appreciate any advice or comments, and thank you for taking the time to read.

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Comments

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YouSayWotNow

This is not acceptable behaviour (from your partner). And it certainly doesn't feel like a healthy or happy relationship.

KittKatt7179

Love yourself enough to stop being in a relationship with someone who acts like that. People will only treat you the way you allow them to. She is obviously not ready to act like a normal, well-balanced person, nor is she ready to be an adult. If you love someone, you don't purposely cause them distress and anguish. Get your stuff together and leave as soon as you can.

Update - 2 days later

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I (F-late 20s) posted a few days ago about my partner (F-late 20s) hiding my laptop in revenge for me accidentally misplacing her hat (allegedly)--and me breaking up with her for it.

An update: I've been avoiding speaking to her, sleeping on the couch, getting my affairs in order quietly. she's been finding ways to try and ragebait me. Last night at 2am she comes to the living room where I'm sleeping to ask where I put my rose toy (IYKYK). I put it away because it's mine, it was always meant to be my personal toy, but she took quasi-ownership of it-- and I simply don't want her using it anymore. She proceeds to harass me for 40 minutes straight to tell her where it is, to please give it to her, that she just needs it to sleep. As she disrupts my sleep. I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice because she wouldn't respect me telling her to leave me alone and kept coming back. At the end of this tirade, she asks "when are you leaving for holiday trip?" I tell her don't know and to please leave me alone and let me sleep. "No, I just need to know when you're going to be gone for an extended period of time cuz yeah I just need to know"--implying she needs to know when I'll be gone so she can get her rocks off with someone else in the house. I didn't get to sleep until after 3am.

She gets up at 7:30 am (she never gets up this early). Comes to the living room loudly, tries to hug me. I was sleeping. I tell her please do not touch me. She says "really? how long are we going to do this for?" I pull the covers over my face and try and ignore her and stay calm. She pulls them off my face to ask me a question. She proceeds turn on all of the lights, even though it is already bright. She blends something for (no exaggeration) 20 minutes straight. She stomps around, slams doors, loudly rummages through items. I stay under the covers and just contain my energy. Before she leaves she again tries to hug me after I told her multiple times to please not touch me. She forces a kiss on my head and says "i love you" and again asks how long we're going to do this. Finally she leaves for the day.

When I get up, I see that she turned the heater in the living room up to 86 degrees from 70 degrees to make me hot and uncomfortable. We have pets.

I just wanted to update because I needed to hear how messed up, manipulative, and abusive it is. And I just want to witness myself by writing this down, and be witnessed by others. I can't wait to get myself out of here.

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Comments

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Chay_Charles

When you get out, please take the pets with you. I wouldn't trust her to take care of them ot not hurt them out of spite.

>OOP: unfortunately some of the pets are hers. mine are coming with me.

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Update - 2 days later

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After this post I may have to switch to posting in r/abusiverelationships. I am ABUNDANTLY clear now that it was indeed more than break-up worthy. I started reading "Why Does He Do That?" After a couple recommendations (a book that I circled around for years but subconsciously avoided to protect my own denial). This relationship has been nothing but abusive. I feel like a veil has been lifted, a bubble burst, and I am so grateful for this clarity, although it comes at a high emotional cost.

I'm still getting things in order. I fear that she will find these posts, if she hasn't already, because she knows how much I use reddit and could find it with key words. I don't know if it matters though, as she just read my journal (where I wrote extensively about all her instances of abuse for my own records) while I was on a walk--I meant to bring it with me, but I left in a rush and was disoriented.

When I returned she said something that made it clear to me she read my journal (she has done this before, knowing that my journals are sacred to me). I stated "I assume you read my journal." She proceeded to verbally abuse me for over 30 minutes, calling me insane, mocked me repeatedly about the journal, called me all kinds of names. When I ignored her, she got in my face banging on the table to get my attention and tried to pull my headphones off. I have receipts of most of this tirade.

This is after two nights straight of her blasting music to continue to disturb my sleep. Last night she played the same song over and over again from 10pm-9am (a song by someone she was romantically interested in and almost hooked up with like Jan from "The Office"). It would be funny if it wasn't so wicked. I lost my patience last night and banged on the door and yelled for her to put on headphones. She wanted me to do this, because now she is saying I've been harassing and abusing her. Classic. There was maybe a 15 minute break and she started the same song up again at 9:30, screaming singing, stomping, slamming, etc.

My family is coming to get me and pets and I will be away and safe for a little while. I want to extend a sincere thank you to everyone who has commented and asked for updates. I have anxiety about these posts being up, but it is cathartic to write them and it helps me to hold myself accountable (and be held accountable) and strengthen my resolve.

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Update - 2 months later

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I think it's time for my (probably final) update on this situation. Two weeks ago I officially moved out and into my own apartment! I left with all of my stuff. I started a new job that pays me very well. I've been spending time with friends and family. I'm safe and in a much better place.

The past couple of months I've seen my relationship with my ex clearly and truthfully--thanks to some input and DMs from fellow redditors, I've done a ton of research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse and have realized that my ex is a narcissist and I've been in the cycle of narcissistic abuse for years. The more I read into it, the more I see how textbook her behavior was, and it makes me feel a strange combination of validated and embarrassed. Validated that I see I'm not alone in this experience, and embarrassed that for all the research I've done into personality disorders and mental illness (I've dated people with APD and BPD in the past), I never once considered that she could have NPD. I was in denial and did not once look into it. Now I know better.

For a few months prior to our breakup I occasionally wondered if she was cheating on me, which is an issue I don't usually feel insecure or worry about. Now I know that she definitely was cheating, and she has already found her new supply in someone who lived in the same building as us. I found gross evidence to support my intuition. I realize that her hiding my laptop was a part of her discarding me, as she already determined (whether consciously or not) that I was no longer a viable supply for her--being that I was focusing on my wants and needs, working on my codependency (shoutout CoDA), going to school, and setting and upholding boundaries. She historically would treat me terribly for weeks to months until we reached a breaking point and I broke up with her. Then she would play victim and say how I abandoned her; this was her flavor of discard, getting me to do the work for her as usual (when we got back together she would hold that over my head as though me breaking up with her happened in a vacuum). It's devastating to realize this person I was so in love with for 7 years never truly loved me--she loved me the way one loves a useful object at best. But I am proud that her final discard came about because, without fully realizing, I finally showed her that I loved myself more than I loved her or our relationship. And that's a win.

She has already and will continue to jump from relationship to relationship, supply to supply, and that's a reflection of her broken personality. I've only ever been in one other long term relationship and when I was done with him I was DONE. No going back, no rekindling--I feel how I did then. A part of me is scared that the other shoe will drop, and some latent, traitorous attachment to her and that trauma bond will make me weak and vulnerable to her hoovering her way back into my life (or someone like her). But I'm taking it day by day, and I trust myself more than ever to protect myself. I will be staying single for as long as I need (probably a long time) and will not be dating, and I feel good about that. I'm genuinely scared to date again and I think that is a sensible thing to feel.

I'm really glad I posted here all those days ago. It helped me to validate my own feelings and actualize my outrage. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond, offer advice and support, and ask for updates. I never have to deal with that wench again.

TL:DR: I realize my ex was a narcissistic abuser, and the laptop fiasco was her final discard. Now I'm FREE and safe in my own place and will never let her or anyone like her hurt me like that again. Thanks to everyone who cared enough to follow this story <3

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Comments

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popoPitifulme

I'm so happy for you and your future. I mean, like the guy in the bathtub celebrating when Truman (spoiler alert) finally leaves the movie set.

>OOP: lol thank you! i had to rewatch that scene to remember 😂.

rlyfckd

I'm so glad to hear you got out of that situation safely and that you're doing well.

I'd really urge you to go to therapy to process all this and work on yourself and your self esteem. Long term relationships with people that have personality disorders really leave a mark and affect self worth and confidence very negatively. People that attract narcissists or borderlines tend to struggle with boundaries and people pleasing. I hope you break the pattern. All the best to you! 💕.

>OOP: i appreciate that! I have a great therapist and will continue doing this work with them 💕 definitely part of why im not a complete mess right now

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ldrthrowaway2729 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 9th August 2026

Update - 17th August 2026

WIBTAH if I bought my own property without helping my parents buy theirs first?

Hi everyone.

For context, I (F25) currently live with my parent (M50s). We live in a rented property, and while it is a nice place for them, I don’t particularly enjoy living here due to having way too small a bedroom for an adult, and feeling like I’m lacking the inability to live my life in the house as I’d like to do in my own place as I wouldn’t have to worry about disturbing anyone else. I currently pay some money towards the living costs as well such as contributing towards groceries and rent. We also are POC, in a culture where it is expected that you help parents out especially with things like this.

I am in a position where I’m now in a stable job with a higher salary, so I could potentially purchase a property for myself. It would be a little apartment, but it would be mine and that would be really special to me.

For years, my dad has talked about the fact that they’d like to own their own house one day. They have some money saved up for a deposit, but unfortunately, he doesn’t bring in massive amounts of income by himself, so in order to get the property he’d like, I would have to do a joint mortgage with him OR give him money that I’ve saved for my own deposit. While he has said that if I do this, he’d help save back up my deposit for me when we own the house, and we might be able to pull equity from the house to help me move out, I feel like this just wouldn’t happen - life gets in the way and with both of us now having to pay towards the mortgage, we wouldn’t be able to save up as much as I’ve been able to in the past few years. I’ve offered up the idea that maybe he buys a slightly smaller house or in a different area so that it’s cheaper and he can do it by himself, but he’s quite insistent on it being a particular amount of bedrooms and in a particular area.

I understand that my dad has sacrificed so so much for me, and I’m so grateful for it, but I’ve tried to make things easy for him my entire life, and I feel like now I’m ready to start my own life by moving out and really being an adult. I’m worried that by not taking the chance now, I’d be missing out on something really good for myself, but I’d also be really hurting his feelings by not helping more.

Would I be the AH if I bought my own place without helping him buy his first?

Any responses are appreciated.

EDIT 08/11/26: Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I was trying to reply to all the messages but I got a bit overwhelmed aha so I thought it easier to just leave a message here for everyone. I really appreciate the responses, a lot of them are exactly what I was telling myself before making the post so I feel more validated in my thoughts. The whole situation sucks that I don’t earn enough to do both at the same time as I would love to help my dad out, but as I cannot do that, then yes it does make sense for me to find my own place first and then help out with his as much as I can.

I will be talking to him soon hopefully and will update when I do!

Comments

Usual-Frosting3882

NTA. As a parent I can say that most parents want their kids to soar and to achieve more than their parents. Buy your property

>OOP: In my ramblings to myself, this was also my thought! If I was a parent, would I not want my child to achieve what I couldn’t, especially if it was better for them? Thank you for providing a parent’s perspective

Embarrassed_Hat_2904

NTA. If he can’t afford a place on their own, they will never be able to save up to pay you back or help you get your own place.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

Hi everyone! An update people said they had wanted, and I’m very happy to provide one.

Firstly, as I said in my edit to the original post, thank you everyone who gave their opinions, it was insightful and validated my own thoughts.

From that, I had decided I would talk to my dad about it, I was nervous as obviously I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship, but it was a much needed conversation, I had researched the different options we had, I felt somewhat prepared.

He got the jump on me though! Asked to have a chat with me one evening, and immediately comes out with it - he’d like me to buy my own place first.

Cue me sat there like a deer in headlights lmao

He had thought about it and had many reasons for coming to this decision, the big ones being that he wasn’t sure the area and house size he initially wanted to buy in was really the one for him, and also that he realised he’d be keeping me back in life by not letting me move out even though I’m ready for it. He even said that he actually thinks the move would be really beneficial for me!

Honestly, it was really freaky for me, as I hadn’t mentioned anything about housing to him since making the post.

All in all, a good ending which I’m really happy to say. I made sure to reassure him that no matter how far I went, I’d always come back for him, and even if I’m not in the same house, I’ll support him from where I am once he decides where he wants to go, which I think helped his decision too. We don’t have much family, and I think a big concern for him was that by me moving out, he’d be losing all he had.

Thank you to everyone who helped me :) Now I have to start the gruelling process of house buying, but I’m excited!

Comments

SpiteWestern6739

Sounds like your dad cares about you and looking out for what is best for you, more than he does about the cultural norms you mentioned in your previous post, that's a good thing, sounds like he's a good man

>OOP: He definitely exceeded my expectations, I was so worried that cultural norms would get between us!

SaraSmilie

I love this ending so much 🥺 it's clearly been a topic in the home and he's taken the time to reflect on it because not only is it a big choice but, its an even bigger ask of you. I understand where his desire comes from. But part of being a parent is wanting our kids to do better than we did and have a better life than we have. Even if we've reached the stars and lived our best lives. We want that and more for our kids. And he was right. It would be holding you back. No loving parent would want that. I noticed in your post that you mentioned no conflicts, tensions, animosities, even in regards as to why you want to move. Which leads me to believe that you all have at least a decent relationship. Buy your own home. Live your best life. Who's to say that one day you won't be in a position to help them? Wishing you and your parents all the best 🩷.

>OOP: Thank you for giving a parents’ perspective! 💗.

ThePenultimateRolo

He is a good dad. That was the right thing to do.

>OOP: He definitely is :)

sleepyjohn00

“Place the mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting others.”

>OOP: Lots in the original post said this too! It’s something I’ll have to keep remembering throughout life.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA7262712 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th August 2026

Update - 15h August 2026

Been together for 3 years and still haven't had intercourse.

I love my girlfriend 21F but I feel stuck and need advice 23M. I (23M) have been together with my girlfriend (21F) for 3 years. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 20.

Overall, our relationship is genuinely good. We love each other, we get along very well, and when we have disagreements we usually talk about them and solve them. I honestly see a future with her and I don't want to lose the relationship.

The difficult topic is intimacy.

Neither of us had sex before this relationship. I have always respected her boundaries and I have never wanted to pressure her. I don't constantly ask for sex, and I don't believe she owes me anything. When she says no, I stop.

The only sexual intimacy we have had is that she sometimes gives me handjobs and I massage/touch her. She enjoys it and seems comfortable with me, but we have never had intercourse.

The reason is that she is scared it will physically hurt. She told me she has never put anything inside herself before, and whenever things get closer to that point she becomes scared and pulls back.

I always reassure her that I will be gentle and that we can stop at any moment, but we have never really gotten close because the fear comes back.

The reason I am struggling now is not because I want to force anything. It is because after 3 years I feel stuck and unsure what to do. I want that deeper level of closeness with the person I love, and sometimes I start wondering if she is not attracted to me or if I am doing something wrong.

About 2 months ago I sat down with her and honestly told her that this situation has been affecting me. We both got emotional because she thought I was going to break up with her. She told me that she feels like the time is coming soon and that she believes it will happen in the near future.

The problem is that I have heard similar things before, so I struggle to believe it now. I don't want to pressure her, but hearing "soon" without anything changing has become difficult.

We have also had situations where we had privacy. For example, we were alone in a hotel for a week, and my parents have been away for weeks before. She has mentioned that we are never really alone or that we don't have the right moment, but even when those situations happen, nothing changes.

Something else that confuses me is that sometimes she actually initiates intimacy herself. She will start things, I respond, and then sometimes she suddenly changes the topic and starts talking about work or random things. I ask if she wants to stop and she says no, and we continue, but I don't always understand what is happening in her head.

Another thing that has started bothering me is that I sometimes feel like there is an imbalance in the relationship. I always try my best to listen to her, support her, respect her boundaries, and make her feel comfortable. I do this because I love her, not because I expect something in return.

But when it comes to something that is important to me, I sometimes feel like my feelings get pushed aside or delayed. I know she is not doing this intentionally and I don't believe she owes me sex, but emotionally it sometimes feels like my needs are less important. I don't want this feeling to turn into resentment because I love her.

I want to make it clear that I don't blame her. I want her to feel safe and comfortable, and I would never want her to do something she isn't ready for. But I also have feelings, and recently I noticed myself becoming more distant and less talkative because I feel frustrated and I don't like that.

For people who have been in a similar situation: how do you balance being patient and supportive with your partner's fears while also dealing with your own emotional needs? Did this kind of fear get better with time, or did you eventually have to accept that you and your partner wanted different things?

I would really appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

Comments

kmsnova

Is she in therapy? It sounds like she would benefit

>OOP: She told me that she wants to try it but nothing happened at the end.

kmsnova

There's only so long you can wait. 3 years is a long time. It seems like she has quite bad hang ups or maybe even trauma around this. If I were you I'd maybe have a conversation and make it clear that you really want to support her but you need to see some type of effort on her end (like therapy), because I doubt this is the type of thing that will go away on its own given how long it's been.

>OOP: I think you're right that after this long, it probably won't just disappear on its own.

Positronomy

If it’s been three years there’s not much else you can do other than keep waiting or breakup. If going another 3/4 years without sex is a problem, you should probably break up.

>OOP: Yea my friends also told me the same thing I just dont know about a breakup. Its my first relationship and im clueless honestly

MITEVOLI

Some people have different sexual appetites. It also sounds like for whatever reason, she has a complicated relationship with sex. Any history of abuse or molestation?

You have done a good job communicating your feelings. She has said hers. I think you meed to decide if this is a deal breaker? It’s okay if it is. She may have sex and never like it, she may have sex and love it. Until she is comfortable with taking the next step the imbalance in the relationship is not fair to either of you.

There is nothing wrong with sex There is nothing wrong with not having sex The two simply do not match

>OOP: I actually didn't mention this in the post, but her ex did try to touch her in ways she wasn't comfortable with, and he would get upset and stop talking to her when she said no. I have always tried to do the opposite and make sure she feels safe and respected, but I do wonder if that experience is part of why she is afraid now.

Update - 9 days later

Update: Long story short, we planned to go to a hotel for a few days, and I booked everything yesterday. She said she couldn't come because her grandma was feeling bad. I told her that it was okay, but I was really sad since I couldn't cancel or change the booking, so we argued a bit. She said she was going to the toilet, and around 3 AM, she told me that it wasn't going to work and broke up with me out of nowhere.

When I woke up, she had already changed her profile everywhere and blocked me on every platform, even my number, without explaining what the actual fuck I did wrong. I have absolutely no clue what the fuck to do. I'm lost and devastated.

Comments

Trojanw0w

Man, I'm sorry. Getting blocked on every platform at 3 AM after three years is a brutal way to find out it's over.

For what it's worth — this almost certainly wasn't about the hotel, and it wasn't about whatever you think you did wrong that night. Nobody nukes every line of contact over an argument about a booking. People do that when they've been carrying something heavy for a long time and finally hit a wall, and the blocking is there so they don't have to explain themselves. Whatever was going on for her around intimacy, it was hers, and she clearly couldn't put words to it with you. That's why "soon" kept coming and nothing ever changed.

That doesn't make it hurt less. You were patient, you never pushed, and you still got left with no answers. You're allowed to be angry about that and not just sad.

Practical part: don't chase her. No new accounts, no messages through friends. If she ever wants to explain, she knows how to reach you. Right now your job is to eat, sleep, see people who like you, and let yourself grieve — three years is real and this is a real loss. And this says nothing about you as a partner or as a man. Nothing. Goodluck fam. Be kind to yourself.

>OOP: Thank you for the really kind comment, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly, I'm not even angry at her. I'm just really sad and completely lost. I just don't understand why she had to completely nuke everything and block me everywhere without even explaining what happened or what I did wrong. That's the part that's hurting me the most. After three years together, waking up and suddenly having no way to contact her or even understand why this happened is just devastating. I really wish I could at least understand what was going through her head.

Ok_Caterpillar_8238

It's because she knew she didn't want to, but she refused to tell you that straight up. When it became inescapable she did the only thing she thought she could do.

grimmwerks

You stated before that you feel your feelings are less important than hers. She just proved that. Remember that when she wants to explain.

candlep0p

Maybe it's a blessing being broken up instead. Even if you get back together, are u ok with the possibilty of having 0 intimacy, for longer than you want it to be? Or at least, until being commited as in married?

>OOP: Yes, honestly, I would have been willing to wait until marriage. I loved her enough that I could have waited. But this never came up.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Which-Spring-7648 posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 31st July 2026

Update - 13th August 2026

AITAH for sleeping with a woman after the woman I’d been talking to said she didn’t want anything serious?

Earlier this year, in March 2026, I started talking to a woman. We got along really well and had great chemistry over text. The problem was that she never seemed to have time to meet. Every time we tried to make plans, something came up. The only time we actually met was by chance at a bar. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in anything serious and didn’t want to commit to anyone. I respected that completely. We agreed to keep in touch while also being free to meet other people.

A few months later, I became friends with some people in her friend group. From my side, those friendships were completely platonic. Eventually, I met another woman from the same group. We clicked immediately, had a great connection, and really enjoyed each other’s company. At the time, she didn’t know who I was or that I had previously been talking to her friend. Long story short, we ended up sleeping together. The next day, she found out that I’d been talking to her friend before. She felt she owed it to her friend to tell her what had happened. I completely understood that and had no problem with it.

However, the first woman became very angry with me and said I’d crossed a line.

From my perspective, we were never in a relationship. We never slept together, barely met in person, and she had already told me she didn’t want anything serious. We had also agreed that we were both free to see other people. She had also been seeing other people, while I hadn’t been with anyone until this happened.

The only thing I knew beforehand was that they knew each other. I didn’t realize they were actually close friends.

So… AITAH?

Comments

Fit-Gas6744

Nta she's just pissed that her pen pal back up plan moved on. Ive been in your position twice and never again Weeks of vague 'plans' and excuses, its such a waste of time and effort. Glad you met someone in the real world and moved on. Best of luck

>OOP: Yeah, that “pen pal back up plan” line hits it pretty well, honestly. The constant vague plans that never materialized should’ve probably been a signal on their own. Sorry you’ve been through it too — glad it worked out better on the other side for me at least. Appreciate the well wishes.

rTracker_rTracker

IMO She’s mad that someone else found out what she’d been too arrogant to enjoy. It’s more about her ego and “not ready” bs being exposed to her friends group. Take her being upset as a badge of honor and cut things off with her and pursue the friend!

NoLaugh5206

This. Pursue the friend if she's open to it and ditch the red flag. Just be ready for when she makes this all about her and tried to pull the "of you were my friend you wouldn't see him anymore" with the one worth pursuing.

>OOP: Haha ya, I could see her trying to pull that “if you were really my friend” card at some point. We’ll see how that plays out if it happens. As for the pursuing part, funny enough she’s more than open, if anything she wants to move faster than I do haha. I’m the one kinda pumping the brakes a bit cuz it’s moving quick, but I do like her a lot so we’ll see.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 13 days later

Wow, did NOT expect this post to blow up the way it did. Between the comments, the DMs, and the sheer number of people with “opinions,” I figured you all deserved a proper update instead of leaving you hanging. So here we go.

Woman #1: I honestly couldn’t care less at this point. Blocked. Deleted. Gone. Zero regrets. My only concern is that I live in a small enough city that running into her at a bar is basically a “when” not “if” situation, and something tells me she’s not going to greet me with a friendly wave and small talk. But who cares? life’s too short

The friend group: I talked to the other people in the group. Turns out woman #1 doesn’t want anything to do with woman #2 anymore and doesn’t want to stay friends with her either. Honestly, fair enough.

Woman #2: We talked it out too, and she’s totally fine losing woman #1 as a friend. Turns out they weren’t even that close to begin with. Also, plot twist: apparently woman #1 ended up getting with woman #2’s ex a while ago. To be fair to her, she says she didn’t know he was the ex when it happened, so I’m not going to hold that against her.

Where things stand now: Woman #2 and I are still in close contact. We talk every day and see each other often. We haven’t put a label on it or had “the talk,” but it’s basically turned into a semi-relationship at this point. I’ve met her mom, she’s met my parents. It’s still early days, but I could genuinely see this turning into something real.

So yeah, We’re basically dating, we just haven’t filled out the LinkedIn “in a relationship” form yet. Went from “am I the asshole” to “am I about to be somebody’s boyfriend” in a few short months. Life comes at you fast. Take care.

Comments

Life_Temperature2506

I know I was less serious on your initial post. But the sentiment remains the same: Woman #1 was being unreasonable because she lost her back up plan. Sounds like you gotta little something good going on right now, good luck with that. NTAH

Odd_Welcome7940

OP... met a girl who didnt want to label things or be exclusive. It caused an issue (even if it wasn't really their issue). Gets that all settled and has continued with new girl. Meeting parents and everything. AND... hasn't put a label on it. OP, you need to be a label gun and get to labeling some things. Still NTA at all

>OOP: Hmm, fair callout. Honestly it’s not that I’m avoiding it, I like her a lot and it’s mutual, I just don’t want to rush into slapping a label on it given how messy the start of it all was. Feels like we’re letting it build naturally rather than forcing the paperwork. But yeah..

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments