To begin this, i have been with my girlfriend since we were 16 and i’ve known her since we were about 12. We became closer during our sophomore year in high school and started dating beginning junior year. We both got out of highschool recently, so both 18 while hes about 31-32.

Some background of my family and hers, i come from a single mother and i’ve never had any other siblings except brothers. The only girl in my family is my cousin which i rarely speak to. My girlfriend has a full family and just one other sibling being her brother. I never really cared about any of my siblings, i wasn’t close enough to any of them or felt comfortable enough to tell them anything about my personal life or anything like that.

My girlfriend on the other hand, her and her brother tell each-other almost everything. I never cared or paid any attention or mind to any of it until it started making me feel weird. Mainly the fact that she would stop talking to me a bit earlier since she would sleep with her brother. Sometimes, i’d have a rough day and i’d fall asleep on the phone with her and sometimes she wouldn’t even be there to let me since she was too busy about to sleep in her brothers room.

I’ve never had any relatives that are girls but most of my friends are girls, i can talk to them about mostly anything but anything family-wise is kinda unfamiliar to me. My girlfriend would sometimes not talk to me since she would be sleeping with her brother, always in his room instead of hers and would sometimes go with her brother to places i asked to take her. One time, i had asked to see a movie with my girlfriend, i was running a bit low on money but had already set up a day for us to go when i had money, she instead went with her brother instead of me and said she didn’t wanna wait.

Another instance is that.. well.. her brother just tells her everything about his sexual life and goes into somewhat weird detail from what she’s told me, is this normal behavior? I wouldn’t ever think about telling my brothers or my cousins anything about my sexual life, or my little sister if i had one. Another instance of me feeling a bit weird is when she was in his room on facetime with me, showed me his drawer and said “i know he has his condoms down there, i don’t want to and i’m scared to see the size” which immediately made me feel extremely uncomfortable and odd at the comment. I’m sure that isn’t normal? She also gave me her TikTok account and most of her comments (she only has like 5) were talking about her brother and how he’s the best thing to ever happen to her and the greatest role model to ever exist and how he’s so funny and caring and how she doesn’t know what she’d do without him. (I also, was never told anything like this by her or complimented in this way by her, so it just feels odd to me.)

All in all, me and my girlfriend come from very different family dynamics and families. I don’t know if this is normal just because i haven’t had a sister or anyone to confide in close to me in my life similar to maybe how her brother is to her. I just don’t know if i’m overreacting when it comes to this stuff or if it’s just completely normal and i’m being weird because i’m not close with my siblings or cousins like she is.

TL;DR: Me and my girlfriend have been together since high school and she’s really close with her brother, way closer than I ever was with my siblings. Some things have started making me feel weird though, like her sleeping in his room a lot, sometimes choosing to spend time with him over plans with me, and him telling her really personal stuff about his sex life. She’s also made comments before that made me uncomfortable. I can’t tell if I’m just not used to family dynamics like that or if this would seem weird to other people too. what subreddits can i put this in

EDIT: I'm a bad parent that shouldn't have my kids and I should kill myself and my kids should go to foster care instead and yadda yadda, I know.

But I was highly emotional and spiraling when I typed this out but I got good advice that I was asking for and I'm going to implement it to protect my kids.

I obviously give a shit about my son and that's why I came to ask for advice before I did something that would fuck him up even more. So thanks everyone for the insults bc they're humbling and also the good advice.

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THE POST:
I (33F) and my son (9M) have/had really good relationship. We do a lot of activities together and he has a lot of hobbies I support. I take him to zoos, museums, theme parks, and conferences often. We go on a lot of vacations. We have that type of relationship where we communicate deeply and I'm in and out of having him in therapy (the America healthcare system is ass). He's basically my shadow. We just have an all around good relationship.

PREFACE TO THE STORY:
I left his dad when he was a baby bc of physical abuse and he's never seen him since. I remarried when he was around 5 to a man that started physically abusing the both of us immediately after I had another kid with him and we got married. I left him after he physically assaulted me in bed with the baby right next to me, raped me, and I found out that he raped another woman in a different state.

My oldest son knows about some of the abuse and the rape after he and I had an honest, age appropriate conversation (in family therapy with a therapist!!!!!!!) about it since he had questions. Before I tried to leave, the ex tried to commit suicide in front of the kids. Also, the ex and I had a nasty custody and divorce battle. So there were lots of questions.

My youngest kid has court appointed visitation with his dad now. Since this dad is the only dad my oldest son has ever known, they have a father/son relationship that I felt guilty taking away since my son doesn't have his own dad, and as a precaution since the ex likes to rape women and beat women and children, I asked the judge if my oldest can tag along to help keep the youngest safe and it was approved. Before visitation started, I also asked the judge to force the ex to take anger management courses. My ex husband never asked for visitation for or ever mention my oldest son in court not one time.

THE ACTUAL STORY:
When my oldest tags along with visitation, apparently he's been telling all of my business to my ex. Every time I drop them off, I give them the speech of "if he asks you about anything that's going on in my house, answer 'I don't know' to end the conversation or if you don't want to lie, you can say 'you would have to ask mommy' and I'll figure the rest out for you". Apparently instead, he would just talk about me bc my exhusband won't stop talking to them about me.

Asking questions like who's in my home and for how long and for why and if the kids play with the people I have over and if I'm abusing them and what am I doing. Weird and invasive shit.

And now because my oldest son is telling all of my business, my ex husband is trying to modify our custody order and take JUST my youngest child out of the home AGAIN over lies I can easily disprove. He just wants me to spend money I don't have on a lawyer because now that he can't abuse me, he's abusing me through the police and the courts system.

WHAT I NEED ADVICE ON:
I feel so deeply hurt by my oldest son. Like, I'm actually disgusted. I've raised him and his brother their entire lives while both of their fathers abandoned or tried to abandon them multiple times. I put in a lot of effort and time in their education and hobbies and mental health and safety. I give them everything they want within reason. And I feel absolutely betrayed. He's only 9 but I can't even look at my son right now because now because of him, I have to go through this all over again with a man he knows did awful, terrible things to me.

I've looked into some family therapists again but that could take weeks or months to finally get an appointment. I can't even look at my son. I don't want to be in the same room as my own son. I feel like I failed as a parent even though I'm the only parent that has ever loved and cared for him. I feel like the good relationship we had was just a figment of my imagination. We could just sit and talk for hours and hours and talking to him now makes me physically ill. I don't know what to say to him because I don't want to cause him any serious issues when he becomes older. I'm in individual therapy right now but I don't see them for another 2 weeks.

THE QUESTION:
How can I move forward in a way right now that will cause the least damage to him? What can I even say to him right now that'll be child appropriate? I don't even know if this is a viable option yet but how would sending him to live with his dad (who is effectively a total stranger to him) affect him in the long run?

My son and DIL weren’t planning on having a reception after their daughter’s baptism. So, my husband called the day before and asked if we could come to their house afterward and bring some coffee cake. My DIL told my husband that actually, there was a gathering at her mom’s house and we were welcome. This is the first time we heard about it. No one told my daughter about it and my son didn’t tell us about it either. He said they just found out that her mom planned it. My son said he he wasn’t planning on going at all for reasons I thought were selfish (and I told him so). He did rethink his choice and did go. But, we were so hurt and told him we wouldn’t be going afterward. We did go to the baptism and it turns out there were at least 30 people that all knew about the reception and planned on going, so now, we feel even more slighted. My son doesn’t see his error in judgment and thinks we are being unreasonable. When I tried to explain to him our point of view, that we asked to bring coffee cake over, and that’s the first time we heard about a gathering at her mom’s house, he even said, “that’s how you found out?” He sounded dumbfounded and speechless. I don’t think we were deliberately left out, but someone dropped the ball and not one person from the other side of the family came over and asked us if we were coming over.

Does anyone have recommendations for a good Honda mechanic?

Coming up to 5 years ago now my husband passed away. For the anniversary of his death we are having a family reunion to mourn the 5 year anniversary. I invited the whole family except my 18 year old niece.

My brother (her father) and his wifes and their younger child I’ve invited through which my brother is upset about. The reasoning is since his death I haven’t liked her. We used to be quite close before but I felt she was really disrespectful regarding my husband’s death. Firstly at the funeral she didn’t cry.

She didn’t show any emotion at all until a slide show of pictures of him came up. And I saw her laughing when one of the pictures came up. I told my sister how hurtful that was and she talks to my brother about it. My sister said that my brother did understand how that came across she was crying a lot for the days and on the way to the funeral apparently but she doesn’t show it in-front of people very easily.

And apparently she wasn’t laughing because she found his death funny she was laughing at the picture because he was so young and had hair but she’s always known him as bald. So it was a bitter sweet laugh of seeing the younger him. I still was upset about it but told my sister to just leave it now I won’t confront them about it anymore.

A year after my husband’s death. My other brother’s son had a baby. Him and his wife revealed the baby having being born on the group chat. I congratulated them and said it’s a year since my husband’s death. My niece said something along the lines of “oh wow that’s so sweet it’s like reincarnation” I got really upset at her saying this.

I was with my sister at the time. And she FaceTimed my brother. My brother picked up and we asked if he’d seen the group chat he said he hasn’t. We said about what his daughter said. He said sorry he’s mortified that’s definitely not ok. He called my niece in and told her to delete the message that’s not ok to say. She said she’s really sorry to me and she thought it would give me comfort everyone else didn’t respond to the message so she wanted to say something to make me feel better.

We said ok just don’t say things like that again. She said ok. And deleted the message.

Last year at the general family reunion I was talking with my sisters about how annoying my niece is and how disrespectful she is. Word somehow got back to my brother and niece. He told me that when his son was born the day our father died everyone said his son was reincarnated as him. Apparently his daughter thought it would help in this scenario. Obviously it didn’t but basically told us to stop bringing it up.

So I decided to not invite her to the reunion about his death. I made a group chat with everyone invited in it. And her younger brother said that I forgot to add his sister and asked if he should add her. I didn’t respond. But my sister contacted my niece to tell her she’s not invited. Now my brother and a few other family members are angry at me.

Me (F25) and my boyfriend (M27) have been together for three years and recently took the plunge to move in together about six months ago. From the outside, our relationship is incredibly solid. He is incredibly supportive of my career as a pediatric nurse, we share the same financial goals, and we were even casually looking at engagement rings a few weeks ago.

His best friend (F27) has always been a major part of his life. They met in their freshman year of college. I have always been completely fine with their friendship because she is genuinely kind to me and has her own long-term partner. We frequently do double dates.

However, everything completely unraveled last Thursday. I was looking through his home office desk for our lease agreement to check a maintenance clause, and I stumbled across a joint tax return document. Under the filing status, it clearly stated "Married Filing Jointly," listing my boyfriend and his best friend.

When he got home from work, I confronted him immediately. Instead of denying it, he was surprisingly casual. He explained that right after college, his best friend was diagnosed with a chronic illness and was about to age out of her parents' health insurance. Because my boyfriend had landed a high-paying corporate job with incredible benefits, they went to a courthouse and got legally married so she could be covered under his plan. They also claim it gives them a massive tax break.

He insists the marriage is purely a legal arrangement, that they have never been romantic, and that her own partner knows all about it. When I brought up our future and the fact that we were literally looking at rings, he told me that getting a divorce right now would "ruin her medical care" and "waste thousands of dollars in taxes." He expects me to just accept this arrangement and wants us to have a "commitment ceremony" instead of a legal wedding when the time comes.

I am completely spinning out. I feel like I am playing second fiddle to a legally binding commitment he made to another woman, even if it is platonic.

What can I do to fix all of this..?

I purchased a house this year and a somewhat reasonable rate. Not like the super low COVID rates, but better than what has been offered. So far, I have been able to meet my needs, get close to maxing out my 401(k), mix of regular and Roth, and put away about 25% of take home pay in savings, mix of both HYSA and petty cash. All while keeping my credit card debt to $0.

Now the question from the title. Usually at year’s end, I try to decide how much I should put into Roth IRA and Mutual Funds, which was easier to do when I lived in a paid off house. But I had to move when my office ended remote.

Should I prioritize putting the mortgage down before mutual funds? Focus on mutual funds, then put a massive amount down once I have enough to pay the house off?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA1390

My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Homophobia, child neglect, infidelity!<

Original Post  May 12, 2021

Alright so, just like the title says: my gf (25F) doesn’t like the fact that my (26M) brother (15M) is staying with with us.

He was an affair baby since my mom cheated on my dad with another man. Whoever the other guy was wanted nothing to do with her or him when she got pregnant and left.

For whatever reason, they decided to stay together and it’s always felt like they’ve been punishing him for something that was never his fault. My mom chose to cheat on my dad, and the two of them chose to keep him and to stay together, yet still he was never treated the same—especially by my dad. He’s never seen him as his son and it’s pretty evident that he’s loved him a lot less than me.

I’ve always tried to make not feel “unwanted” so we grew up close. To me, he was just my little brother, not my half brother.

I moved out when I was 18. Things seemed fine with him at first, but they got gradually worse. Even more so when he came out to them a few months ago—he opened up to me about everything recently.

I told him what my parents didn’t, and that he is loved and accepted and he can talk to me about anything he wants.

Our parents are evidently not fit to be his parents, so I told him to pack his things and come stay with me. I have a spare room anyway, so it might as well be his. I’m pretty much the only one that has been looking out for him for the longest time. 

Mom and dad were a little upset about this, but they’re hoping I’ll “set him straight” (not sure if that’s supposed to have a double meaning).

Overall, It’s actually been nice having him around. I can tease him about boys in his class. I get to keep up with how he’s doing, and I don’t have to worry about him all the time. (I know it’s not my job but he’s my brother and I love him).

The problem comes in with my girlfriend. She suddenly has a problem with my brother staying at my place because it’s invading her privacy somehow. We don’t live together officially, but she has been around my place a lot and does stay over often.

She’ll get upset if he watches a movie with us or if he eats dinner with us or the fact that he’s up super early for school, and I just don’t think she should be upset about all this. He can’t just actively avoid her if he’s essentially living with me for the time being.

There wasn’t much time to really run it by her or talk to her about since it just wasn’t a healthy environment for him. I’ve been looking into getting him emancipated or becoming his legal guardian.

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m trying to help him when we’re not even “real brothers” according to her and he’s not my responsibility. She wants me to send him back home and is basically making that the condition of our relationship.

I know that I’m going to choose my little brother, but I don’t know how to let her off easy or if I should even do that.

TL;DR: my brother (15M) is staying at my place with my girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) after being abused at home. My girlfriend isn’t happy about this and wants me to send him somewhere else, but I’m the only person who has ever looked out for him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theamazinglula

>INFO: do you have dates anywhere else ? are you too ever alone without him?

OOP

>>We’ve had dates in other places and even if we are home, he’ll leave if he can.

~

super-sad-potato

> You are amazing brother but just want to ask, do you have intimacy and time alone with your gf? Ppl who helping one person are sometimes sucked up by just one priority and they forgetting about other ppl who they love. > > I just try to figure out why she is annoyed, she shouldn't be so entitled to this, but she may have problem because your life choices will on hold for another 3-4years. Mostly woman want to start their own family before 30 get married before having kids etc. > > Talk with her about roots of her dislike to situation.

OOP

>>We do get time alone! Things have been pretty much the same between us other than the fact that the spare room isn’t empty anymore and my brother occasionally watches something with us or eat meals together when she’s around.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

>Tell her he is your real brother and that is that he is your family and if she wants to be part of you then that is how it is. IF not she can leave and never look back

Update  May 20, 2021 (8 days later)

Just wanted to come on here and give an update on the situation.

I did end up talking to her. She was aware of the situation beforehand, but still wasn’t sympathetic of his situation. I would’ve understood what she was saying if my brother was imposing all the time and acting like a third wheel, but it was only sometimes.

It wasn’t going to work between us if she was just going to make him feel as shitty as our parents did, so we did end up ending things. It was definitely for the best, but I kind of wish she at least tried to understand the situation instead of making it all about her.

In other news, my brother seems to be doing a lot better. I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him. 

We haven’t really heard anything from our parents, and I’m fine with him staying as long as he needs to.

He’s had a few friends over and I’m almost certain that one of them is his boyfriend (will be teasing him about this), so I’d say he’s doing well for himself.

Thanks to everyone who responded on the last post!

tldr: I ended up breaking up with her and as regards to my brother, our parents haven’t reached out to say anything, but he’s doing well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Quick context, I(29M) known my girlfriend(26F) 5 years and we have been together about 3 years and living together about a year. We have a good relationship, we have our fights but in my experience every couple does. Anyway, yesterday I came home from work to find my girlfriend and her little sister talking at the living room table. Her little sister(22) just graduated college and broke up with her long term boyfriend. After the normal hey how was your day my girlfriend essentially states they have booked flights for a 2 week trip to Europe for next summer. She also threw in a “and I told Lily that you’d be nothing but supportive about it” and basically went on to say we are justifying it by saying if we do it now we won’t look back with regret in the future. After her sister left she asked me to help look at flights which means she lied about the whole already bought tickets but she said they are lying to everyone about the tickets to avoid being talked out of it. A white lie but still annoying as I thought we would always be open with eachother. I understand wanting to go and travel but I think we should at least have a real conversation first. I pay for most things in the relationship so she’s been able to pay off her debt and save up a couple thousand dollars which she wants to blow it all on this trip. Am I wrong for thinking that it should be an actual conversation first and not just “I’m going”? If I were to come home and say me and my brother are traveling across the world and you get no say she’d have a big problem with that. There’s also the little piece of I trust her because she can be a bit of a grandma (in bed by 9 pm most nights) but her little sister is recently single and enjoys going out to the bars till early in the morning. It also just feels like a little slap in the face money wise. ALL of my money goes to us and the relationship, ya know if you got world travel money why am I the one putting gas in your car? Maybe I’m just not sure how to go about telling her that the whole thing bothered me but maybe I’m just over reacting I am not sure.

When I was nine my mom was in an accident and sustained life altering injuries. She was in the hospital for months before my father hired a home nurse to care for my mom. Ultimately my mom's injuries were too severe and she died when I was ten. For at least three months prior to her death my father had been having an affair with my mom's nurse and the two of them grew more obvious about it in the final month of my mom's life. There was a big fight between my father and my mom's family after mom died. Lots of accusations, lots of yelling and cursing and my father went absolutely nuts on them for reporting the nurse to her agency, because the agency had rules against dating the spouse or immediate family of someone you are caring for. She was fired and my father was so offended that my mom's family took a stance against the two of them.

I hated my father and I hated that woman for disrespecting my mom in the way that they did and for forcing me to watch them screw around while I was watching my mom go through hell. My father expected me to be on his side and he told me I better treat his side piece well. When I didn't he would punish me and he told me he was going to be marrying her whether I liked it or not. The timeline went something like this.

Affair started a few months before mom died

I became aware a little while before everyone else did

My mom dies and a big fight happens

Days after mom dies the nurse/affair partner moves in.

They get engaged two months later

They marry four months after getting engaged

My father and the affair partner tried to have children for years while I lived with them. They also shoved me into a lot of therapy so I would turn my attitude about them around and accept being a family with them. I resisted and had a very toxic relationship with them both. I was 16 when my father agreed to let me live with my maternal grandparents because I was blamed for the affair partner's infertility issues. I didn't see or speak to them again after that.

They ended up having two children. Their first was born when I was 18/19 and their second when I was 20. I have never met those kids, never had any intention of having anything to do with those kids and my relationship with my father's extended family is a once a year call with most of the family and close contact with two similarly aged cousins.

In April my father died and his affair partner abandoned the kids. My father's family all started arguing over who would take the kids and it resulted in the kids being taken into foster care where they are with strangers currently. The family cannot agree among themselves which person/coupe should take them except for all believing my wife and I should do it. We have been married for three years and we plan to have children soon. We're both very stable in our jobs and lives which they are at least partially aware of. They say as the brother and the closest relative to those kids it should be me taking them. But I would never take them. I don't want them. I don't have any intention of getting to know them or being there for them.

In between all the fighting I am getting more regular calls and texts about this. My wife even got three DMs from my aunt who said she should talk me into it and she replied back no and that was it. My suggestion to the family was to stop fighting and just all take care of them together since they care.

I have mostly ignored all attempts from my father's family to push this responsibility onto my wife and myself. But I'm noticing it encourages more and more contact and so I'm starting to wonder if I should just block them all, except for my two cousins who have been firmly against the rest of that side pressuring me, and move on without even the once a year contact with them.

And in case anyone wants to know about the maternal side of the kids' family. They wanted nothing to do with those kids' mom after she lost her job for sleeping with a patients husband. A lot of that was brought around me and I can guarantee none of them will want those children either.

I’m currently researching for a book (work of fiction) and I’m looking for information on Marine Birthday Balls that would have been held in Germany in 1998. Would it have been held in Bonn before most functions were moved to Berlin? Would the Marines assigned to EUCOM have held their own in Stuttgart?

If anyone here attended one of those balls in 1998, I would love to hear from you.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAkidilemma posting in r/relationship_advice and r/legaladvice and r/mixedrace

Inconclusive, no new posts in 6 years

3 updates - Long

Original - 5th September 2020

Update1 - 7th September 2020

Update2 - 9th September 2020

Update3 - 13th September 2020

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My wife gave birth to a (black)baby that clearly isn't mine, and I'm divorcing her. But I'm worried about the relationship between my two kids and their new half-sister.

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A month ago, my wife gave birth to a black baby girl. We're both white, so she was forced to admit that the child was a result of a one night stand last year.

I've started divorce proceedings, although we're still living together for now. Between our two boys(aged 2 and 4, I've had paternity tests for them and they came back positive), her infant daughter and her having lost her job due to COVID, living together as amicably as possible until the divorce is settled is an unfortunate necessity.

Naturally I have no ill will towards the baby, and I've been disgusted by some of the comments I've heard from family members, friends, coworkers and others, all who seem to be fixated on the racial angle of this. As if the most salient part of this isn't that my wife cheated, but that she cheated with a BLACK man and that the baby is BLACK.

What really worries me is that my two sons might pick up on these narratives. They're too young to really understand what's happening now, but I'm worried that as they grow to understand the situation that they might grow to resent their half-sister for "breaking up their parents marriage". And worse that their resentment might express itself in a racist fashion, under the influence of the aforementioned racist narratives.

Any thoughts on how I should try to influence my son's away from that perspective? It probably doesn't help that we live in a suburb with very few black people and their half-sister is really the only black person my children know.

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Comments

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chaoticneutralhobbit

I’ll tell you what my dad did and you can use the info as you will: he invited my little brother, who was not his child, along with me to stay during the weekend. My brother wasn’t the product of infidelity or anything, he’s just my half brother. My stepdads son. But I didn’t know for a while because my dad brought him along to the museums, and the water parks, and the movies, etc. pretty much anytime I was at his place, my little brother was too, and he never complained. He loved my brother. So that’s an option. You can have the baby come with your sons occasionally, make sure they’re treating her okay, and be an example for his to treat their sister.*

xanderblaze123

Hmmm I’m no parent, but I think telling the boys to love their sister no matter what, would do the situation some good. Or at least to keep that message consistent through their upbringing.

>OOP: Thank you. I agree that consistent messaging is important- probably need to coordinate that with their mother as well.

canadaisnubz

Especially telling them to look out for her and help protect her. If they learn empathy early on you might raise kids who do the exact opposite of what racists do.

Analgerman

In most jurisdictions you will be the father of this child by default since you were married to the mother at birth (assuming she didn't go out of her way to put her ONSs name on the birth certificate). this means you will be on the hook for this child no matter how obviously she is not yours.

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Update - (WA)Adoption of my wife's child - 2 days later

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My wife and I are going through a divorce right now, however I've asked her to let me be recognized as the adoptive father of her daughter(not mine biologically). She's agreed, and we're aiming for 50/50 joint custody.

The biological father isn't in the picture, as my wife only knows his first name and is unable to find or contact him.

Also, while my wife has agreed, I'm not sure whether she can be considered legally of sound mind to consent to this. She's suffering PPD(and had serious depression even before the baby was born), is sleep deprived, and the whole situation with the divorce and backlash against her from family and friends has really done a number on her. I worry that if she agrees to this know but changes her mind later, it could be reversed due to her current mental state?

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Comments

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sunnydew22

No need to adopt. You are already legally presumed to be the father because you are/ were married when the child was born. Wife consented to you being the father to her future children the day you got married.

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Update - 2 days later

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Unfortunately my last post was locked, but I received a lot of helpful PMs from people. I'm particularly thankful for those who've lived through a similar situation(or have family and friends who've done so) and sent me advice on how this affected them and how to navigate the situation. I'd also like to thank the hundreds of mouthbreathing bigots who spammed my inbox.

The big takeaway for me was that if I'd need to lead by example here, not excluding her in any way because of her paternity so that she and my sons would see her as a full member of the family. Also that I need to be more active in confronting the bigoted and ignorant nonsense I've been hearing, and teach my sons to do the same to protect their sister. I've spoken to some of those responsible since and made clear my feelings on this, and that she is to be treated as a member family, and that if I ever find out that they've said things like that to my sons or their sister that they won't be allowed around us anymore.

I've spoken to my wife about this, and we're more or less on the same page. She's been begging me to forgive her and not go through the divorce, but that's not going to happen. Even if I didn't consider the cheating unforgivable, I just dont feel any love for her any more, other then a platonic affection for her as the mother of my children.

My sons are handling this as well as can be expected. The 4 year old doesn't fully understand, but is upset by the change in the household, thankfully he's easily distracted. The 2 year old is thankfully too young to comprehend what's going on, but has definitely picked up on how withdrawn his mother has become. They're both fascinated with their new little sister, so there's that silver lining.

My wife OTOH isn't in good shape at all. She was depressed even before the birth, and now with everything- our divorce, her infidelity being revealed and the backlash from family and friends, PPD, and the exhaustion from raising an infant- she's barely functional. She's seeing a therapist, and I've been pressuring some of our family and friends to be supportive of her because even if they think she deserves it her current state is making it harder for me and our children.

It's become very obvious to me that even after the divorce is finalized we're going to have to live together for a while longer. She's in no shape to be taking care of three kids without someone else around to support her, and I'm not willing to deprive her of her sons by seeking sole custody. It's also too difficult financially, since she's lost her job because of COVID.

As for the baby girl, she's healthy and fairly easy by baby standards. Since I've been helping care for her, I've bonded with her and I've discussed the possibility of adopting her with my wife. She can't contact the father, as the only thing she knows about him is his first name. And given our coparenting situation it feels like adopting her as my daughter would be the best outcome for all involved-

HOWEVER, there's been a wrench thrown in that plan. It was brought to my attention that there may be a way of finding the baby's father, namely by having her DNA tested by AncestryDNA. If the father or one of his relatives has also taken the test, we may be able to find him through there DNA match database.

If I'm being completely honest I'm not happy about this. I've already started to think of the baby girl as my daughter, and having him in our lives would massively complicate the family dynamic. Plus we live in Seattle and she met him in Philadelphia, so god knows how they'd even make it work if he wanted to be the kid's father.

However, I recognize that this is a selfish reaction. If we have a chance of finding her biological father we owe it to her do so, if only so that she has access to her paternal medical history and so that she can have a relationship with him if and when she chooses to do so. I've read a few accounts by children raised by non-biological parents and a common thread is their desire to meet their lost biological parent, so thats that. We've ordered an AncestryDNA kit for her, and I guess we'll decide our next steps once we get the results back in a couple of months.

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Comments

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blackholehumor

I'm glad to see the pieces are falling in to place for you and ending up as well as they can in these horrible situations. Stay strong and live your best life and be the best version of yourself you can be.

SensualDonuts

The way you’re dealing with this with a level head is commendable and that child is very lucky to have you. Many people wouldn’t respond how well you are and you deserve a ton of credit for that. Your life was thrown upside down and you’re still putting the baby’s best interest first. I hope everything works out well for you. You deserve that.

limbylegs

I wholeheartedly second this. OP's response to the situation is beyond admirable. Going the extra mile to even consider adopting the baby girl is an extraordinary display of altruism. I wish the best for everyone involved, but especially OP.

Waitwhonow

Op’s response has actually made me cry and made me understand there are really some good people Out there I def know i wouldnt have been so calm and lovable as this guy is. More power and energy to you OP. May you find a better person who deserves your love.

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Update - Advice for white parents raising a mixed race(black/white) daughter? 5 days later

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Our baby girl is a month and a half old at this point, so I'm trying to prepare myself for the racism and identity issues she's going to deal with as she ages. As much as I like to think of myself as an ally against racism I know my understanding as a white person is fundamentally limited, and we live in a suburb with barely any black people which is obviously going to make this even harder for her.

For those of you who were raised by white parents, what did they do wrong/right? How could they have done better?

Obviously we're going to have to have tough conversations with her as she ages about why some people treat her differently and the dangers that come with that, how should we approach these issues sensitively and age-appropriately to avoid traumatizing her?

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Comments

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heyitsme923

Urge you to not finalize the divorce with your wife. I totally understand why but I’m just saying the process of divorce and marriage is a big thing that’s hard to undo. You’ve already considered adopting the kid.. obviously you and your wife have a lot to work out and I don’t blame you in the slightest that you don’t love her anymore. But what’s the point of adopting HER kid if you’re not going to be with her.. you care about her enough to not abandon her with kids or separate them from their mother. Your actions speak louder than your words. I’m not saying forgive her yet, just don’t divorce, yet.

>OOP: I'm not planning on "leaving" just yet- given our financial and parental situation we're probably going to be living together for at least a year after the divorce is finalized.

>But I feel like divorce will bring clarity to the situation- she's still fixated on me forgiving her, and theres part of me that worries I'll cave, I feel like there finality of a divorce will put an end to that.

>Also, less nobly, I've gotten kinda close to a friend of mine who went through a tough divorce herself last year. I'm not ready to actually start dating her yet, but obviously she won't wait forever. And obviously I need to finalize the divorce before we can act on it.

thowawaywookie

This is all still raw for you. I would suggest you try marriage counseling before you throw in the towel. The friend isn't much of a friend if she's ok with being with a married man. Be cautious.

>OOP: You've got the wrong idea. She knows we're going through a divorce, and it just started off as her being a supportive friend but know the mutual attraction is undeniable.

>It probably won't work out in the long term- I'm still going to be living with me my ex-wife for a while after the divorce and I don't want to shove the new relationship in her face given she's not emotionally stable. My friend respects that, she's outright told me she's happy with a purely physical relationship because she hasn't been with a guy since her divorce.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/PassengerTraining913.

Trigger Warnings: >!Death of a Parent, Materialism, Classism, Accusations of Cheating.!<

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My wife is not the woman I used to know. She let the fame get to her., Posted May 19th, 2023.

I know I won't probably get anything meaningful from reddit, but at this stage of life I don't have a single soul to talk to.

I met my wife when I was 15 in high school, she was 17. That latter part of my teenage years was probably the hardest of my life, since in half a year I lost my mother. Never knew my dad so she was the only thing I could consider "family".

At that time, me and my wife were only friends, but she was there for me, and grieved with me. I think I started developing feelings for her during that time.

We started dating when I was 17, and we got married 7 years later.

For context, my wife was very frugal and unmaterialstic. She never cared about clothes, makeup, brands, cars, ect.. Always spending money on thrift shops or during sales on whatever she liked. I remember trying to impress her with my 370z just for her to react with "what car is this? A Corolla?" So yeah. I think you get the type. But that's what I liked about her the most. And also, she was the most caring person I ever knew.

In our family, she's the successful one, always working in big corporations. Regarding myself, I always worked as a community first responder for my local hospital. The salary wasn't high, but I loved my job, helping people as I could.

Fast forward, two years ago she received an offer from an important company for an executive position, offering four (yes, four) times her salary (and let me tell you, her salary wasn't bad by any means). But we should've to move to a different city. At first, I was doubtful, since that would've mean losing my job and not be sure if I could have contributed financially to our family for an indefinite time period, but she said that she could have sustained the family effortlessly with this new job, and for that time I could have looked after the house and groceries, till I could've found a new job. Since she was so enthusiastic, I accepted. I was happy to support my wife's carrier.

Well, the best way I can put it is that my wife underwent a crazy trasformation. Some Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide type thing, if you know what I mean. She started caring more and more about luxury brands, jewels, cars, etc. I don't think you can quite imagine my disbelief seeing her coming back home with a Versace bag after seeing her for years wearing 10$ coats from our local trift shop.

She also started hanging out with her new female coworkers a lot. My wife isn't very extroverted or very social, so that was quite the shock, but I was very very happy for her. I thought that she finally found her dimension after years of struggling.

But that happiness started fading after she started coming way later and home every day. And later. And later. Until it was a miracle to be able to talk to her for 10 minutes a day. I thought it was very busy with work (since well being an executive means lots of work), till she started posting lots of photos of her with her coworkers drinking, going shopping and stuff. The fun part is, she never finds time to reply to my text, but she always has a minute to post photos. And when she replies, she says that she's "working".

She also literally stopped saying things to me altogheter. Have you ever experienced your wife/husband going to work with an Audi A3 and then coming back home with a Porsche Macan GTS? Well, I did, and let me tell you. It's no fun. I confronted her on if it was a business issued car, which it isn't, then on why she spent so much money on a car when she didn't care not even a little about cars. Her passive aggressive response was that it's her money and that she entitled to do as she pleases.

Or have you experienced not seeing your wife/husband coming back home for a night and not replying to text just to receive a call the following afternoon saying that she forgot telling me that she left for a business trip? Well. I hope you haven't.

But the worse is when she invited me for lunch with her coworkers. I was very happy because that was the first time we were doing something together in months, and I thought that what I've experienced before what only a phase and that it was all ended.

My wife left first because she had work to do, so I dressed up nicely and left two hours after to the scheduled restaurant.

For context, I sold years before my 370z because I didn't need a sportscar no more, so my daily driver is a very frugal Renault Clio. I like it, and since I don't need that much, I don't have reasons to upgrade to a pricer model or brand. Well, I get to the restaurant, park my car in front of it, get inside just to see my wife staring at me like horror stricken. She gets up from the table and takes me outside of the restaurant, then proceed to literally insult me for parking my Clio in front of the restaurant and in front of her table, saying that I embarrassed her and that I should've parked it somewhere hidden. I was completely at a loss for words. I asked her why, and she said that it was a cheap, non luxury car, not representative of her lifestyle. She then gets back inside the restaurant, warning me not to embarass her like this again. I attended the rest of the lunch in shock. That day I realized that that girl I had at my side wasn't my wife. It wasn't the girl I married anymore.

My wife is now out of the house, celebrating a great year for the company, and I'm here at home writing this with the divorce papers in front of me. I don't think I can handle this situation anymore. I tried lots and lots of time to talk to her, to tell her how I feel, to tell her that she changed, that she's not the same woman I knew. But she just doesn't listen. She always says that she has no time and that she needs to work, or she tries to minimize the situation saying that it's not true and that she never changed.

She wanted kids, now she doesn't want them anymore, saying that they would rob her time from her carreer. She wanted to travel, now she doesn't want to do it, for the same reason. Is she really the same woman I married?

But still, I can't bring myself to talk about divorce with her. Most likely because I hope that somewhere hidden inside of her there's still the woman I loved and still love. Even if this doesn't seems like the case.

Relevant Comments:

u/cassowary32:

>Have you talked to a therapist? You need to start building a life you want and in time it will be clear if staying married to her adds to your life.

>Are you working? Do you have your own circle of friends? Are there any hobbies you are interested in? You've mentioned your frugality but not anything else that brought joy into your lives. Did you enjoy cooking? Traveling? Seeing movies? Shows? Charity work? Do you still want kids?

OP:

>I haven't talked to a therapist yet but I'm planning to do so. I'm still working as a community first responder, however the salary way lower compared to what I was earning in my hometown. I lost most of my friends after I moved with my wife, I'm still in touch with a couple of them but I've been hearing from them a lot less in those past few months. In this new city I never had the opportunity to know new people since I've been very busy with work and housework. Regarding hobbies well...I like cars and working on them, I love travelling and yes, I do charity when I have the opportunity, but since you haven't fixed hours in my job it's very hard to make plans. I would like to have kids and it was something me and my wife were looking forward to in the past before all of this happened.

u/cassowary32:

>If she's really making so much more money, can't you hire a cleaner/chef to give you more time? Are your finances completely seperated? Have you talked about budgets and saving for the future? What's the point of having a partnership if only one person is benefitting from it?

>You either need to make a concerted effort to bloom where you are or you need to return to your previous city. This isolation isn't good for you.

OP:

>Well, I don't need a chef or a cleaner since most of the times it's just me and the dog at home, my wife is either working, out with coworkers or in business trips most of the time so I manage the houseworks quite effectively. Our finances are separated, but we have a joint bank account for the house, groceries and everything that concerns daily necessities. We talked in the past about saving since she wanted to travel around the world whenever we had money and the chance, but she changed her mind about it and we never spoke about it again.

>If worse comes to worst, getting back to my hometown is the plan. I'm trying to get accostumed here but it doesn't feel like it's my place, also work makes it harder

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u/Cathene70:

>Go through with the divorce and return to your town that you felt the love from the townspeople, and move on with your life. She clearly doesn't want you in her life.

>But before you hand her the papers, hire a PI to find out if she's cheating or not. If she is, well, you can change the divorce papers to include compensation from her and the man she's cheating with to whatever price you want to get out of it and then live the life you are more relaxed in. I think those late nights and those sudden business trips are her cheating on you.

>You deserve a woman who loves you and won't tell you not to park your old beat up car in front of the restaurant as you're embarrassing me, I would have stated my husband loves his old car and I've tried to get him to sell it and get a new one, but he loves the old thing to my friends and state I have to look classy but at home, we're down to earth wearing jeans and tshirts. She will end up the loser in this as she will lose a good man who loves her but she's chasing him away.

OP:

>This is what I'm most afraid of, I really hope she isn't.. I'm still trying to process everything, but if worse comes to worst, going back to my hometown is probably the plan. Thank you for your comment

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u/Dadoftheyear2018:

>As a lot of people mentioned that there are some alarm bells ringing here. We have to be open minded and neutral in the best way we can but it sounds difficult given what you’ve said. Maybe she is very career focused and genuinely doesn’t want to have kids anymore until she feels ready and has earned enough and saved enough to focus on family life and maybe even retire early depending on circumstances. You have every right to be upset and angry about her actions as she agreed to marry you and the person you married isn’t the one you’re seeing today. May I ask if you have checked her social media posts for any male interaction that’s frequent or even female? I think you know where im going with that, it sounds really fishy with how little time she’s spent focusing on you and by the sounds of it you really need her to just wake up and see the ring on her finger. I don’t want to jump on the “get a divorce” bandwagon but if she truly is ghosting you and doesn’t show any affection or even agree to make time for you both physically and emotionally then it probably won’t work long term. I don’t want to sound sinister but I think you need to actually try and see where she is going and if she’s actually where she says she is. If you love someone and trust someone you will immediately know if they’re lying, people are surprising you think you know them when you really don’t. We all need money but we need to be loved too. Doesn’t sound like she wants it right now if she is career driven or she is looking elsewhere for it. Please keep us posted! I’m a dad of 3 and me and my partner had a rocky few years which we’ve managed to get through so sometimes perseverance may help you but sounds suspicious your wife’s actions.

>Find the right moment and ask her to make plans for you both if not then you’re looking at divorce papers, make sure you get half of what you signed up for in marriage as you moved in together and moved jobs. All the best buddy

OP:

>It's been long time since we did something affectionate together, half a year or more. I try to make plans with her but she's always busy with work or with her coworkers. I don't check her social quite often, since I don't like social medias that much, but I remember seeing photos and stories of her with a bunch of dudes and women who she said to be her coworkers (I met three of them in that lunch). Thank you for your concern

(Update) My wife is not the woman I used to know. She let the fame get her., Posted May 20th, 2023.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who reached out to me in the comments or in DMs. I really appreciated it and it helped me retaining my composure and mental clarity. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to you all but I tried to read everything and I really appreciate all of you.

Well, after that business party my wife didn't came back home. I tried contacting her since I was very worried but she didn't pick up the phone not even once. She came back home in the morning exactly when I was about to leave for her workplace to ask about her.

I asked her what happened, and she said she stayed at this female coworkers' house since she drank a lot and she was in no condition to drive (fair enough). I told her that she could've sent a text to warn me, and that I would've gone to get her. Her response was "With what? The Clio?". I stood there in silence, and she later said that she forgot about warning me. I asked how she was feeling, only to be answered in monosyllabes.

We minded our own business for a while, then she comes to me and she says she has something to discuss about. I tell her that I have something to discuss with her too.

And well, would you look at that? She asked for divorce. I wasn't expecting that at all. I asked her why, and her reply was that after talking to her friends she understood that I wasn't fit to be her husband, that we have different values and different lifestyles, and that she deserves a man of a similiar worth compared to her. She was just waiting for the right time to brought it up, and after the party she made up her mind.

I'm going to be completely honest, that was a low blow, but I just smiled at her. I tried talking to her, proposing to separate for a while to see how things go, I even proposed couple therapy like someone suggested. But she was dead set on it. So I calmly told her everything I needed to say, from the fact that I was thinking about divorce too to the fact that I felt like she changed, concluding saying that I'm sure she will find an awesome man since I know her worth having been her husband for more than 9 years, but that I know what I'm worth too.

We decided to separate for the moment, and we will arrange the divorce later on, since she has no time now, but we have a verbal agreement on some things. I decided to go back to my hometown to relax and to decide what's next for me. I should be able to regain my previous position in the hospital, but it's all to see. Also, one of my friends there offered to host me until I found an housing. I'm really grateful to him.

But well I understood that my wife couldn't care less about me when the lengthiest discussion we had concerned who was taking the dog. For context, we got him a month after moving since she always wanted one and to keep me some company. But in two years, she probably spent the equivalent of two hours with him. I always took care of him and well he's been a more than loyal companion in those two years.

So, she literrally made a fuss about the fact that I couldn't take the dog with me, for maybe half an hour or so. I told her that I didn't care at all, I was taking him with me since she doesn't have time to care for him, and it was very strange for her to say those things when she didn't care not even a bit about him for two years.

So I packed the necessary and before leaving, I asked her if she was cheating on me, and she denied. And I will trust her on that. I read a lot of people in the previous post talking about hiring a PI, but I'm not going to do that. I trust what she said, and even if it wasn't the truth, I honestly don't want to hear nothing about it. It would only make me feel worse.

I feel calm, but inside I feel like I've lost an important piece of myself. The things she said didn't hurt me initially, however the more I think about them, the more heartbroken I feel. But I'm trying to focus on nicer thoughts, like meeting one of my old friends which I haven't seen in a long time. I'm still trying to process everything, it all happened so fast. Though I must say that seeing my dog so happy inside the Clio brightened up my mood a lot. He loves car rides.

Even if things went down this road, I still wish her all the best. I could never forget what she did back then for me and in general in those 16 years spent together as a couple.

I may do another update in the future about how things went, but for now, goodbye - I will take some time to focus on myself and on the upcoming divorce. Again thanks to everyone. Take care.

Relevant Comment:

u/No-Amphibian-2758:

>Ouch, that must've hurt when she told you that. It's clear she doesn't and didn't care about you at all. I'm glad you two agree on this though. And I'm glad you could take the dog, he would be miserable with your (ex-)wife.

>I'm wishing you all the best for the future

OP:

>At first, not that much. But now it really does. I'm just trying not to think about it. Fortunately my dog is a great therapist. Thank you very much, I'm wishing the best for you too

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Reminder - I am not OP.

I (35M) went no contact with my brother a decade ago because at that point my brother (34M) had slept with every girlfriend I had to that point. This always happened while I was still dating them, two of them I was very serious about and avoided bringing them home because of my history with girlfriends and my brother and even those were girls he slept with. Every time I was reminded by different extended family members that we were siblings and I shouldn't hate him forever for being young and dumb. He'd apologize some of the time. A few times I refused to talk to him for a while after and he'd act genuinely apologetic but he kept doing it again. The last time when I went no contact he actually dated her for a while and when he realized I wasn't coming back around as fast as I had before he apologized dozens of times and kept reaching out but I muted, then blocked him and I refused to be where he would be.

My parents told me they would accept my response because they knew he had hurt me and did me wrong but they asked me not to hate him as much as I did. I told them I would keep that hate from them but I couldn't promise to stop feeling that way about him.

After two years things between my parents and I became fractured. My brother was involved in a car accident and he sustained some serious but non life threatening injuries. My parents called to tell me and they wanted me at the hospital with the rest of the family and I refused. I told them I did not want to see him and they said it could be serious. At the time I was honest (and it still holds true) and said I did not care. They couldn't come to terms with me feeling that way. Even though he wasn't in danger from the injuries they said it haunted them that I would be so hateful to my own brother. I held back from admitting I thought worse before.

In time I worked on rebuilding trust in therapy for myself, met my wife and married her and now we have a family together. My brother has no part of it and I have never let up on being no contact. My brother has tried to apologize several times since and I always tell the people he sends with letters that I am not interested in his apologies.

He settled down with someone and he's now a father. But his baby was born very early, is very sick and things are very uncertain for them right now. I have heard this from family and there's fundraising going on for them and I read their story through that. Since this all started I have been receiving extra pressure from my extended family and my parents to reconcile with him. My parents said there is no better time to reconnect because if his baby dies having his brother will be everything. I told them I was not the person to do it and I did not have the love or care for him to support him. They told me to let ago of the past and to let go of childish behavior and be there for my brother during the worst time in his life.

I really don't want to. I still hate his guts and have nothing kind to say about him. But the pressure is getting to me somewhat. My wife supports me either way and she told me I need to do what feels right for me and not for him or them. I'd like to hear the advice of others before I make my final final decision, which is heavily leaning toward continuing with my boundaries and staying no contact.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Nuckinfutz1004

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 08, 2019

• Final Update: April 11, 2019

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Main Post

^(April 08, 2019)

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Am I (35m) in the wrong because I said no to giving away my now ex partner (36f) at a future wedding with her new fiancé (30f)

Ok, this is a new account because I deleted my old one a few years ago.

Basically, me and my ex split up 3 years ago (when we had been together 7 years) when she came out to me as a lesbian. At first, we were very rocky when we separated but as we shared custody of a dog together, we had to stay civil and over time we became not just friends again but (in my opinion) best friends again, especially when our dog died in the summer we got very close again. It's important to point out that we never married, as we had both been married we said we were in no rush. She said she was adamantly opposed to remarriage, whereas I said I wasn't bothered by it but would never rule it out.

She met a new woman last year after 2 years of what she calls her "slut phase" of newly coming out. I've met her, she seems ok and we get on but we're not close, just civil. They've moved on quickly though, moving in together after only 7 months and they're coming up to only a year together this month. I haven't found anyone yet, I've had flings and a few one night stands but I'm quite shy and have anxiety issues despite being told I'm a good looking guy.

The other day, she asked me if we could have a coffee which I agreed and she proceeded to show me a diamond ring and say her gf (now fiancé?) Proposed to her and she said yes, which took me by surprise considering how opposed she was while we were together. While I was still taking it in, she said that as her dad and her are estranged (he's religious and him and her family disowned her when she came out) she thinks I'm the best man she knows and would I give her away when they are married. Without thinking, I said "you must be kidding, no way!"

I don't remember the exact words after that but it was a very awkward situation. We paid up and left without hardly talking - she looked like she was crushed though and couldn't get her words out.

After getting home, I get a very angry phonecall from her fiancé telling me what a piece of shit I am for crushing her dreams and putting a dampener on her big day. She said along the lines of "don't think you're coming to the wedding" and I equally responded along the lines of "don't worry love, I wouldn't go anyway."

A few mutual friends and family of mine that she still sees have rang me or messages me saying they think I'm out of line and they're going to show their support. I've been ignoring them, like it's their business anyway.

I personally feel crushed all over again like when she came out to me. I feel like I wasn't good enough for her to marry but good enough to help make her big day "special."

I don't see me and her regaining our friendship like we had, I think even if we patch up we'll always have this over us.

Am I wrong for doing it? Should I have bit the bullet and gave her away?

Tl;dr :- Lesbian ex and now best friend asked me to give her away at her future wedding and I said no. Her fiancé had a go at me and my friends and family are not accepting my decision.

EDIT - I think what's annoying me a lot is that I consider what she did a big no, inviting an ex to a wedding is something I wouldn't do and consider it a bit insensitive on her part - why does she, her fiancé and others think it's ok and she gets a pass on the basis that she's a woman and she's marrying a girl? Uncles and aunts of mine who divorced, stayed cool with exes and later remarried never dreamed of asking exes to be a part of and go to their future weddings. Why should my situation be any different?

Also apologies for any ranty and off topic replies I may have made after a while, I'd drank booze for the first time in years and was a bit drunk after a while.

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COMMENTS

angel_munster >This has nothing to do with her being a lesbian. It would be crazy for her to ask if she was marrying a man for her ex to give her away. > >Said it before and will say it again. I am gay and do not find it brave when someone is gay and in a straight relationship and finally come out. Don’t go into a straight relationship if you are questioning yourself. > >OOP >>We had this very conversation when are first came out, I basically said she shouldn't have got with me knowing that she liked women and she wasted 7 years of my life but she argued she didn't actually"know" and lied to herself.

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[deleted] >No. Goodness no, and I’m sorry she put you in that position. I agree with you that this may be unsalvageable. Has she been paying attention to your emotional state in the slightest? > >OOP >>When we first split up, she was amazing - I was drinking loads and she was so helpful in trying to get me out of that and helped me into therapy. She's also tried to help me with my self esteem, even "vetting" some of my dating choices in the last 3 years. >> >>Since the argument however, we haven't spoken really much at all so not lately I don't feel.

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BloodlessArcanist >I would say any chance of reconciliation flew away as soon as your ex decided to let her fiancé and your family members get involved and harass you about it. I don’t blame you for saying no, definitely could have been worded better, but she should have talked to you more about it before just telling everyone you’re an awful person and making them mad at you. > >OOP >>A cousin of mine even tried to guilt me saying by my actions, I was subconsciously showing my internalised homophobia. I mean wtf right?

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dumpsterlandlord >Not the asshole, reality didn't meet her ideas and she blames you for not being whatever she embodied you to be, she should have managed her expectations out of respect. She didn't even think you could say no, worse, she thought you'd welcome it. Speaks volumes. > >OOP >>Good point, I think she thought she knew me so well that she assumed it would be an instant yes. I think because she put me on the spot, I had to make a decision there and then where if she did it over the phone or a text/email, I'd have thought about it differently and the outcome may have been differently.

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Jinjo17 >You’re allowed to say no. Of course you are. > >But I think you’re taking a huge gesture and compliment and turning into “but you wouldn’t marry ME..... despite realizing that you’re gay”. > >And “I wouldn’t have come to the wedding anyway”.. was that decided before or after her fiancé called? Before or after you discovered she was married? > >Because it sounds a whole awful lot like maybe you’re jealous. Was she never to move on? Was she never allowed to change her mind on marriage upon discovering her sexuality? > >You’re allowed to say no to giving her away. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole for everything surrounding it. I’m not saying this is accurate but if it is I think you may need to take a long look in the mirror. > >OOP >>My line about not coming anyway was decided when her fiancé called and decided to act all Jeremy Kyle on me - a reaction to someone surprising me. That was just unnecessary, it should have been left between my ex and me and she had no right. Have you ever flipped out when someone corners you? >> >>She can move on all she wants, but she should be able to do that without making me an unwilling participant and just assuming I'm ok with it all. As someone said, her reaction was based on me not saying no, not considering I'd have my own consent on the matter. I'm just the inconvenient straight spouse who's the collateral in her voyage of self discovery.

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LukewarmJorts >Lol no no no you're completely sane and fun fine. Who would ask that of an ex? > >Ah jeez. > >OOP >>I've been thinking that a while now, who asks an ex to be at a wedding much less be a part of it? >> >>I've had uncles and aunts separate and get divorced from spouses and remain friends for the sake of their kids and when it's come to them or their exes remarrying, they've never dreamed of asking the ex to their respective weddings - it's a no no. I wonder why she and others are ok with it just because she's a lesbian and marrying a girl? Does liking the same sex give people a pass on objectionable behaviour? It feels like it.

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Final update - after 3 days

^(April 11, 2019)

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Update - Am I (35m) in the wrong because I said no to giving away my now ex partner (36f) at a future wedding with her new fiancé (30f)

I just want to thank all those who read and took the time to comment on the original.

I had lots of great advice, but one was to write a letter to convey my feelings. I was in the process of doing so when I get a text from her yesterday asking if she could come to my house in the evening so we could chat about what went down and clear the air.

I agreed and she came over and the first thing she does is apologises for her fiancée's behaviour and that people have been harassing me - she admitted that she was so upset when she got home that afternoon that her partner freaked out and had a go at me without thinking and the others found out because she has a WhatsApp group that she'd set up to talk about her proposal and she'd mentioned in there that she was going to ask me so people had been messaging her on there to ask how she got on. She assures me she's going to ask people on there to leave me alone now.

She let me go first, and I said basically that I was so taken aback because of her stance on marriage when we were together and the fact I wanted to marry her so much and when she asked me, I guess all the feelings I had when she first came out and we separated came flooding back. She said she could see where I'm coming from, and said in hindsight she didn't really stop and consider my feelings because she's so caught up in her happy little world.

She then said that the reason why she wants me to not only be there, is that she loves me so much and even though she's not into me sexually and romantically she still considers me her soul mate in a way and that she feels I "get her" more than anyone else in the world, including her fiancé.

This took me by surprise to actually hear and I broke down and started crying and so did she.

After we cleared our heads, she told me I can still come to the wedding if I wanted and there's no pressure to be "involved" as such.

I said to her I don't think I can, as the love I have for her is not strictly platonic on my part and to "give her away" on the way she wants feels like a kick in the balls and I just don't think I can. She seemed to get angry at this (thinking about it in hindsight, I think she was just being direct) and told me I need to accept we're over and stressed to me that she's not into me in that way.

I said I don't think I can, and that we may be best to properly cut ties at least for a time as it's eating me up.

She said if that's what I want, she understands and started to really cry. We hugged and parted there. Before she left she told me she could tell I'm drinking again and said if all else fails and this is it, to please try and at least get sober again.

To say my head's in a mess is an understatement. Luckily I haven't heard from her since she left, and I've deactivated all my social media so I can't see what she's up to.

TL;DR ex came over and we talked it out - she apologised and said I could still go if I wanted. I admitted I still love her and can't go and need to cut contact for a bit.

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COMMENTS

IHeartJiuJitsu123 >This is literally the weirdest, most unhealthy relationship dynamic post-seperation that I've ever heard of. You cannot stay in contact with her, this whole this is super unhealthy. > >OOP >>I know, I think I was so keen to keep the status quo that I overlooked my own thoughts on things. It's took this to make me see sense.

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Meeseeks82 >The amount of potato needed for that chip on her shoulder she parades around with rivals the new photo of the black hole. > >Honestly, you guys can’t be friends anymore. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to understand what the two of you shared, how abruptly she left, the manner of why she left, how quickly she moved on and how you might have been affected. It’s unfair for you to have to walk her through that. > >I really hope for your sake you find someone who’d be willing to treat you way better than this broad. > >OOP >>I hope so too, I really suffer from self confidence issues too despite being told I'm good looking (before we separated, my ex used to get so pissed as people used to stop me all the time and ask me if I was Tom Hardy - I had to change my haircut, lol.) so I don't perhaps get the attention from women people think I would.

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FroggyMcnasty >The fiancee sounds like an absolute nightmare. Putting you on blast like that and acting like a complete asshole? Fuck her. > >She told people she was going to ask you, she literally set you up so if you said no you'd look like the bad guy. What kind of lunatic does that? > >It sucks but you're better off not being friends with her. She used you like a crutch and asked you to give her away like a real asshole. As far as being soul mates and all that crap, she's just doing that to feel better about herself, to pretend like she didn't waste your time. > >As far as the drinking goes, just knock it off, its not worth it, she's not worth it, and the assholes giving you shit aren't worth it. > >OOP >>It hurts the people ganging up on me like they were because they were friends and even family of mine - one was a cousin I was once really close to who stayed friends with her, so I've lost not only her but losing some family too.

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OOP to deleted comment >I know, this is what's been going through my mind for 3 years now - she got me to stop drinking, she used to "vet" women I was in to and said it was only because she wanted the best for me and then got pissed with me when I was seeing escorts after I wasn't getting any for a while, saying I was too good for using sex workers and that I was a catch on my own. She even tried to set me up with a colleague of hers who just wasn't my cup of tea at all. > >It felt like she didn't want me but didn't want anyone else to have me.

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-TheOutsid3r- >Honestly, I'm still more aghast at OP's friends and family going after him. The Ex is just pretty self-centered but those people and her Fiancee are straight up nasty. > >OOP >>I know, it's been horrible - it makes me feel like there's hardly anyone on my side. The only people I've had is my mum (she's always got my back) and an old friend who I've known since school. And even he said I should go to try and "pull" women who may be there (his argument fell apart when I pointed out that the vast majority of female guests there are likely to be lesbians). >> >>My own dad, he seems to think I should have gone along with it and gave her away.

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Mulverine >Hey Op, just out of curiosity, did she say she was going to tell that whatsapp group what actually happened? > >Because she's still absolutely fucking ruined your reputation and doesnt seem to have made any attempt to fix it. > >OOP >>I am only assuming, but I think she told the group she was going to propose and when her fiancé said yes, she must have told them as part of the details then.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

My husband comes from a very wealthy family and is subsequently very wealthy himself. Traditionally in his family, the first spouse who dies leaves everything to the surviving spouse and when they die they leave everything to their children to split.

We were working on our wills last month and I put in mine that everything would be left first to my husband and then to our children (we have 2). He put that everything goes to me first and then to our children and his kids from his previous marriages.

Fast-forward to last night and we are having dinner together with his older brother. His older brother also updated his will recently and was talking about it and we shared that we had done the same.

Older brother asked if husband was planning on leaving anything to step-kids and he said he everything was going to me. Older brother said that wasn’t fair to step-kids since I’m younger than they are so they won’t be able to enjoy their inheritance since I’ll probably outlive most of them lol.

I told him they aren’t my kids and I’m not leaving them anything anyway and he got mad and tried to convince my husband to change his will to include them. My husband said he was just following tradition and expects me to do the “right thing.”

There was more of a discussion, but I don’t want to go over the character limit.

Older brother called us both assholes (but said it more to me than my husband). AITA?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Royal_Ad4392 posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 26th May 2026

Update - 27th May 2026

AITA for not contributing to the tuition fee?

I am forty eight years old. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. She is 22. She never wanted to have a relationship with me and I have always been careful with her. I never tried to be her mother. I stayed in my lane and kept things respectful. Our relationship was always distant but fine.

Coming to the point, she wants to go to grad school. My husband saved a specific amount for this purpose. It was meant for a local university. She suddenly changed her mind. She applied to an expensive school (which my husband claims that he doesn't know) and got in. The tuition there is double what my husband saved. He told her clearly that it is out of his budget.

She did not seem to care too much about it and she just expected the money to appear. This stressed my husband a lot, so my husband had been discussing the tuition gap. I have some personal inheritance money that I keep separate. I have saved this to buy a house together. My husband had asked me if I could cover the difference for his daughter. I told him no. I did not feel it was my responsibility as we had agreed to keep this part separate. I could see how he was stressed out about it, so I agreed to think about it. I believe he talked to his sister at one point and told her about our conversation.

Two days later, SIL told the daughter that I was paying for the school. The daughter called me out of nowhere. She was suddenly very warm and thanked me over the phone. I was completely confused. I told her straight out that there was a misunderstanding. I told her I am not paying for it.

The call went cold immediately. The conversation felt it went from 0 to 100 suddenly. She said she always knew I did not care about her future. She said I was hoarding money just to be cruel. She went on a rant and mentioned how I am controlling her with the money. A few choice words were said and I called her entitled.

I feel completely blindsided. She only showed me warmth when she thought she was getting my money. She has ignored me for years before this. Now my husband is acting quiet. He says he understands my choice, but his silence feels heavy. I can tell he expects me to just cave and pay it to keep the peace. My sister in law made a mess and now I look like the villain. I have the funds, but the entitlement makes me sick. I refused to back down during the argument and told her she needs to grow up. What should I do or if there is a middle ground in this?

Comments

wanderingstorm

NTA She's an adult. She can find a way to pay for her own tuition. Like an adult. There are plenty of grants, scholarships, and loans for people who apply for them. Plenty of people don't have mom and dad providing any of their education costs and they manage. She chose to not want a relationship with you. You have no obligation to her. Even if you were her actual blood parent, you are not required to pay for her tuition.

Paws_and_cuddles

I agree! NTA. She is an adult, there are jobs and loans she can do. Equally she can go to a local university as planned and have her full tuition paid. She’s making an adult decision and there are adult steps to planning for these decisions. OP also said they’re saving it for a house which is their security. They should not have to sacrifice that. This has nothing to do with the step parent relationship and everything to do with how one adult should not have to sacrifice for another, when the other is making choices as above. She’s not in danger, she’s not homeless, she’s not in crisis, she just wants a perfect life at the sacrifice of other adults.

IceSeeker

And she showed her true colors in the way she treated OP warmly when she thought she's getting something, then became a raging inferno when denied. OP, there's no middle ground. If you give in after all that fakeness and disrespect, you're just validating her terrible behavior.

Substantial_Key4640

NTA. He's manipulating you though. With his sister and daughter, he now has your inheritance money earmarked for his daughter. As for her, by the time you're 22 years old you are more than old enough to know your attitude and behavior can build or break bridges.

>OOP: Thank you for your reply. I believe he doesn't have any malice regarding talking with SIL as they usually talk about almost everything but I just don't understand how the confusion came out to be. We have had a good relationship and he supports me, so it just makes me feel guilty seeing him stuck into this situation. And yes, that was my original motivation because if it was college or school then I could have considered but this just makes it difficult.

I-luv-sloths

NTA. Don't buy a house with your husband using your inheritance.

ValkyrieTxHzLeyes

Glad I wasn’t the only one thinking this. Please if you do buy a house with this money. Your name only and I would see to that it would never end up with the husband or your entitled step daughter. I’d will it away to a charity or the ASPCA before leaving it to him or her. Where is her mom? Why isn’t she helping foot the bill?

Turbulent_Cow2355

*Her mom is the sensible one and probably told her to get a job.

Substantial_Key4640

NTA. He's manipulating you though. With his sister and daughter, he now has your inheritance money earmarked for his daughter. As for her, by the time you're 22 years old you are more than old enough to know your attitude and behavior can build or break bridges.

>OOP: Thank you for your reply. I believe he doesn't have any malice regarding talking with SIL as they usually talk about almost everything but I just don't understand how the confusion came out to be. We have had a good relationship and he supports me, so it just makes me feel guilty seeing him stuck into this situation. And yes, that was my original motivation because if it was college or school then I could have considered but this just makes it difficult.

According-Paint6981

Your husband should not be discussing your finances, especially YOUR inheritance with his sister. It’s none of her business.

>OOP: You are completely right. I would be furious if he just gossiped about my money. But that is not exactly what happened here. His daughter had been badgering him constantly about the tuition. It became a huge thing in our household.

>When my husband talked to his sister, he was just venting about the stress. He told her he had asked me for help and that we were discussing it. He swears that is all he said. I am not sure if something got lost in translation, or if my SIL just ran her mouth, or if the daughter just assumed I would say yes because we were talking. My husband told me his sister actually said it to the daughter just to placate her and calm her down in the moment....which wasn't her place to say in the first place.

AnneKakes

NTA. Why isn’t biomom being mentioned? Where is her contribution.

>OOP: She isn't financially capable of doing it. It's changing but in our culture it is usually the father who contributes for the education or stuff like this

AnneKakes

Except when step-mom has money. How convenient. Please, for your own sake don’t succumb to the pressure. That’s what student loans are for.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

I posted here because I felt lost. My gut told me to stand firm, but seeing my husband stressed made me feel bad. His daughter is a good student, and having the means to help made me second guess everything. I posted since she was supposed to visit in person after the phone call and I needed help handling the meeting.

The response was overwhelming. It stressed me out more when strangers questioned my marriage and claimed my husband was using me. I logged out in a panic. I gotta thank Reddit for letting me read comments anonymously haha

My husband noticed how I was looking at my phone continuously, so I just handed him the phone. He took a long time to read through it all. I watched his face change. He looked up at me and apologized sincerely. I know many people in the comments were judging him harshly, but they do not know the ins and outs of our daily life. He has mostly been a supportive and loving partner to me. He was wrong for dragging me into this mess and expecting me to pay, but human beings are complicated. Life is rarely black and white. We almost always operate in the grey areas. None of us are perfect, but we try our best to make our relationships perfect, which is why I was looking for a middle ground.

We had a long talk. No other daughter in his family has gone to grad school and ex can't afford. He wanted more for her, but she applied abroad without asking. He felt trapped between his promise and his budget, which is why he mentioned that he leaned on me. We discussed my inheritance as well. Our current apartment is in his name, but I paid for renovations. We agreed our next house will be in my name, and he will pay for renovations. I even made him agree to help build the garden I always wanted haha

Before she arrived, I called my SIL. My husband had only told her he asked me for help. She claimed that when the daughter ranted, she just mentioned he was talking to me. She got defensive when I said it was not her place to share our private business. She swore she never said I agreed to pay. She loves drama, so I am not sure, but I dropped it for now.

When the daughter arrived, she acted completely normal. My husband stopped her immediately. He made it clear his savings were all she was getting. He suggested she take loans against family insurance policies in her name, or even work to cover costs. She looked at him like he had three heads at thought of working. Then she lost control, screaming and calling us names. She said she was disappointed in him and claimed I corrupted him. It got toxic, so I asked her to leave. My husband was too stunned to speak. He is still visibly shaken this morning. I will be spending time with family, thank you!

Thank you to everyone who commented and defended me. I never expected this attention. It made me emotional. I do not have a large family, so your kindness means everything <3

Comments

Technical-Habit-5114

I'm sorry, THAT is what entitlement looks like, It doesn't feel like it right now, but she is learning a valuable lesson that will do well for her in the future You do not spend someone elses hard earned money that you did not work for, You can ask, But no one is obligated to support your adult dreams, You get out there and WORK for them if you want them.

Sea_Chocolate_3537

He was generous offering any help, many kids have to cover 100% of the cost of school. NTA I’m glad you two got on the same page before the daughter arrived.

Prestigious-Bluejay5

You husband needs to reflect and determine whether he's had a genuine relationship with his daughter or if he literally paid for it. If she just comes around with her hands out, he should stop paying now. Either way, their relationship won't get any better. He's done his duty to her. She's fortunate that he paid for her undergrad degree when so many are finishing college/university in debt. Ask me how I know. Also, now, higher education and graduate school does not equate to a better job. If this is what she wants, half has already been taken care of. Let her work for what she wants. She'll be bitter but, she'll appreciate her accomplishments more. Maybe if he says "no more", he'll finally see her for who she is..

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/mcnp-producer

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse and manipulation, mentions alcoholism, controlling behavior!<

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Original Post: May 19, 2026

Long story, I will start from the beginning. My wife and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. Her family has always been very aggressive and rude, it’s how they are, and unfortunately that has included their behavior towards me. They have told me that I am unwelcome, talked about planning to take my children away from me, talked about how me marrying their daughter/granddaughter is the worst thing to ever happen to them. Things have built up slowly but recently there have been some major events that sparked a bigger fire and made me blow up.

Firstly, our honeymoon. My wife was born in Montreal and raised there until she was 8, at which point her mother left her father with the children over his alcohol problem. My wife wanted us to honeymoon in Montreal so she could take me through her memories there and show me where she grew up. When we told her family about this idea they ended up inviting themselves. We told them we would like it to be our time alone, as we were pregnant at the time with our first and wanted a last vacation together alone. They could not respect that decision. Furthermore, 2 weeks out from our honeymoon, they reached out to my wife and said they would be more comfortable if I wasn’t there, and made her pick me or them. After days of guilt tripping her she asked me to stay home and ended up going without me. We rebooked a separate just us trip for a month later. When they found out about our separate trip they got very offended and wouldn't let us hear the end of it.

Now, I had finally not entirely gotten over it but decided kind of oh well it happened and I won’t let it happen again. That brings us to this Easter. We were at her families for the holiday to celebrate our daughters first Easter. The entire time we were there they were throwing comments about how it is unfair that we don’t make more time for them, and how we don’t put enough effort in to see them. We were originally staying for 4 nights, but I got called into work and we had to leave a night early. Upon telling them this information they blew up on me because I was "just trying to keep their daughter away from them". I explained that I have a job and I need to keep it, and they settled down. They asked if we had "any other sh*t we wanted to dump on them". Having already expressed some feelings I decided to also tell them I was hurt at how often they brought up our "lack of effort" and how "unfair" it is that we don’t see them enough. This made my MIL explode, she started calling me a cu**, a piece of sh**, and said I am a dirty liar trying to steal her daughter. I couldn't deal with all the name calling so I got my wife and told her we were leaving. After we left her mother was contacting her family and telling them I was an abuser and I had manipulated and controlled her daughter into leaving. Then she sent 15 texts to my wife about surviving abuse and how she needs to escape from me. She said I was no longer welcome in their home. I didn't argue and figured I just wouldn’t be there anymore.

To finally tie this all up, today my wife got a text from her mother out of the blue. She wants my wife to go stay with her for a week with our daughter. She said we can "just forget anything ever happened and treat her like we used to". She also said that "this is the way I am, and you cannot change me, you will have to learn to accept me eventually". She wants us to pretend she never did any wrong and put it behind her. She then lectures my wife about learning to take accountability.

This is where I blew up and I told my wife "your family is so manipulative and evil, I will not be taking part in any of their holidays or vacations, and I don’t plan on repairing relationships with them nor ever seeing them again". My wife got upset because she wants us to be able to be amicable as I am her husband and her mother is her mother. Her mother is using that as leverage.

I personally can’t let go of her past actions and allow her to get away, especially with no apology or accountability. My wife desperately wants me to be able to. On top of this, our daughter is only nearly 3 months, and my wife has bad post-partum. Her family is not supportive so a week with them would be very difficult on her with the baby. If I was there I could support her and look after our daughter. It makes me feel torn between supporting my wife and taking care of my daughter and not putting myself in a position to be disrespected. So, AITAH?

Edit: more clarity

Honeymoon was November 2025, we married May 2024. June 2025 found out about pregnancy. My wife has promised to stand up for me, and I always tried to believe it was true. Went through a rough patch when the honeymoon thing went down where I told her if she couldn't find out how to stand up divorce would be involved. Everyone around me (friends, family) told me not to make a huge deal out of the honeymoon thing because I could just plan another one. She started standing up for me for a few months and things were nice. Then she fell back into the old habit. She always says, "this is normal this is who they are and how they behave" and I feel bad because I know she was brainwashed for 18 years and has only been away from it for 4. She says she is starting to see it, but she is still too scared to stand up. When we had to tell her family we were leaving a night early she broke down crying hence why I had to tell them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: YWBTAH if you stay without major changes. Do you want your child to grow up in this dynamic? Seeing this sort of behavior from your in laws and it being tolerated? What message does that give? As others have said you need therapy, your wife needs therapy and you need couples counseling. I hope your wife and you grow and together you can set a clean and clear boundary with her family. If not, then yes, divorce should be on the table with clear rules regarding parenting and exposure to these in laws. Good luck. None of this is easy.

> OOP: Thank you. Hoping that this post can kind of help her see that it isn’t just me who thinks her family is unhealthy. I hope she can come to the realization that she doesn’t want our children around this as much as I don’t.

Commenter 2: I'm still stuck on your wife uninviting you from your own honeymoon because her family demanded it. Unreal. BTW who paid for the honeymoon? Not that it matters.

> OOP: Her family ended up paying for it as they canceled the Airbnb my wife and I had planned for a larger one to accommodate themselves. The 2nd honeymoon that was actually just my wife, and I was paid for by my wife and I

OOP's and his wife's ages

> OOP: We are both 22

Commenter 3: You are UNDERREACTING. To everything. She. Uninvited. YOU. HER HUSBAND. FROM. YOUR. HONEYMOON. WTAF 😳 MY DUDE?!? and WHO are these people telling you not to make a big deal about it?!? IT IS A BIG DEAL!! It’s a very big fucking deal!!! And frankly I wouldn’t be helping facilitate any time at all between these narcs and my child. I can’t believe you had a baby with her, let alone married her, there’s no way this wasn’t an issue when you were dating. NTA she needs intensive therapy.

> OOP: When we were dating she lived with her uncle to be apart from her mother and grandmother. The first year of our marriage she had limited contact with them. Once she got the positive pregnancy test they began spending more time together again. Then in turn I got to know them and realized they are not pleasant. Previously only her grandmother had dared say awful things to my face and the rest kept it behind my back.

Commenter 4: Did you not know what her family was like before marrying her? Had you not met them prior to the wedding?

If you did meet them and knew how they were, how you wife lacks a spine is unable to defend you and herself and still chose to marry her, then you deserve this.

An adult unwilling to go to therapy and fix themselves is not an adult worth marrying.

Worse still you chose to have a kid with this person. Even if you divorce her, can you imagine the level of parental alienation that will occur at the hands of your in laws. Shame on you for bringing a child into this.

> OOP: Had met them a handful of times prior to marriage. My wife moved in with her uncle at 14 so was not around her mother / grandmother often. They showed true colors after pregnancy.

Commenter 5: This is a really shitty situation for you and I feel for you. It's weighing everything up isn't it. If you don't go with her, she's unsupported. And you don't know what her family will say behind your back. But if you go, by the sound of it, your MIL will probably stir the pot to make you the bad guy. Almost like reactive abuse. If you go, you may have to just grey rock your in laws, maybe staying in a hotel would be easier?

From what you've written, your wife can depend on you and feels safe with you, so she can ask you to knuckle under, bow out and back off. She knows she can't do that with her family. You're the "lesser evil" for lack of a better phrase.

Again, use the right phrasing here, the poor woman is post-natal and hormonal. She needs counselling. Either on her own or couples therapy.

You've been wonderful in supporting her, you've been very patient.

> OOP: Yeah it is hard to weigh the good times against the bad, especially when the bad are so centered on her family and not on our alone time. She is a great match for me when we are together, respects me, follows my lead, but once the big bad mama wolf is in the room its head down, so she doesn’t attract bad attention from her. Her mother is extremely abusive. Never married and brought dangerous men around them. When they were younger one of her mother’s bfs hit her and her sister and her mother said it was "a valuable lesson she needed to learn to grow". The more I've learned the more disgusted I am at her family and I know I will never have a relationship with them. It baffles me that she can. And so I just feel so bad for her as she is a victim of severe abuse.

OOP on his and his wife's backgrounds

> OOP: Her family is French Canadian, I am dual citizen American Canadian with Russian background. Her family is entirely women aside from her uncle whom I have no issue with. I am male.

Commenter 6: I dunno, but it kinda seems like she picked you for a reason. How similar to her family are you?

> OOP: Nearly exact opposite. They are atheist, I am Christian, they drink, I have never drank, they smoke, I have never smoked, they do drugs, I have never done drugs, her parents were never married, my parents have always been married, her family never gathers, my family gathers twice a month. I have never really gotten along with her family because they’re very abrasive and I am more of a chill don’t cause drama person.

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Editor's note: OOP updated a couple more times into the original post

Update #1: May 19, 2026 (same post, nine hours later)

Alright. I saw a lot of advice. First off, those saying how did I not divorce her immediately;

I want to address this. When we met, she was living with her uncle across the street from her mother. We were long distance (4 hours). I did not meet her mom more than a dozen times prior to marriage because she did not spend time around her mother. I would go stay with her for a week and we would not encounter her mother in that time even. Her mother didn’t like her independence and so went low contact with her and told her she felt abandoned. My wife internalized this.

My wife and I got married at 19. She moved from her uncles into an apartment with me. Once again, low contact with her mom. I had not met her mom more than a dozen times still. I knew only at that time that her grandmother did not like me, but even she was not saying really crazy things to me yet until marriage.

Aside from that, I sat my wife down after gaining some courage from you guys. I have felt like an asshole for a long time because I was told my feelings were manipulative and controlling and so I shared usually only when the weight gets too much. This time I got to share before a blow up and it was much more conducive.

Many of you suggested therapy. I decided to give the therapy / counseling or divorce option. I told her I don’t want to divorce her but her enabling her family has driven a wedge between us and that if she went away for a week she would return to papers.

She is not going for a week. Her and I are going together for 2 days. Arrive Friday night, leave Sunday morning. I will be with her the whole time. I am not going to pretend to be friendly with her family, I am not going to talk to them at all. As far as I am concerned I am there with my daughter as her protector. My wife agreed to this.

I told her we need to come up with an actual real plan and see some follow through within a month. I take my parental leave in July, and I want it stress free so I can enjoy my baby and my spouse. I have a therapist already, I deal with bipolar disorder and have long bouts of depression. I am referring her to my therapist and have emailed my therapist about recommendations for couples counselors.

Hopefully this isn’t just a yes sir in the moment and then a continuation of the pattern. If that’s the case I will follow through with divorce. I have gathered screenshots from my wife's phone and my phone as well as got some from her sister, who also is on my side to an extent.

I should have done this sooner and I just couldn't process that I had come to resent my situation. I was just living a loop with no introspection. Thank you for your comments. I will update as therapy goes on and definitely update after our weekend. First weekend of June.

Relevant Comments

Has OOP showed his wife the post?

> OOP: I showed her, I added an update in the post. She got a wakeup call seeing the comments as she had thought she was completely in the right and didn’t really notice she was treating me like her family does. We are looking into couples counseling and solo therapy for her as I already have a therapist. Will update more tomorrow when we have a chance to talk more about things going forward.

Commenter 1: There is a lot unloaded here and a lot that that needs to be processed. One I would be very careful to not let her go on the week trip with her mom. Some may say you’re being controlling, but to be honest her mom may use this to remove your daughter from you and getting a week head start is a lot. She may say they came to her and you abandoned them. Second, your wife needs to get some counseling. One for her post postpartum and also to learn how to deal with her family's manipulation and there sounds like there are a lot of narcissistic type personality there. Threating divorce as you first big go to was a bit of a dick move in my opinion. Suggestion or demanding counseling first for both her and couples counseling for both of you should be your next suggestion. It sounds like she tried but could use more support and tools to keep going. If this doesn’t help or work o er time then yes, divorce. Also make sure you keep a log/journal of all this, including dates and factual info. It will help down the road. Just some thoughts Side note, from some of your comments, I am curious as to why they have the opinions of you that they do?

> OOP: Their opinions of my really boil down to two things I've noticed. 1, jealousy. Her mother never married, was a drug / alcohol abuser in her youth and dated / slept with others like her, resulting in 3 children with 0 real fathers. Every time she notices her daughters are doing better than her she tries to bring them down whether subtly or not. She cannot let them be better than her because it hurts her self-esteem. > > 2. Lack of control. My wife does not stand up to them, but I have. I have made her stay home before, I have voiced my opinions to them, and I have openly told them no. They hate that they cannot control me the way they can control her, and that I am starting to take away their control to an extent. I should honestly set a nc/lc ultimatum on top of the therapy because of just how crazy they are, but I've been told so often that making them choose between me or them is wrong. Even my own mother says it would be wrong to make her cut off her family, and she knows more wrongs that have been done to me than just what's in this post.

Commenter 2: You said the rest of the family has issues with you as well. Is it just the two other siblings or extended family too? Does MIL control them too? Before putting too many ultimatums I would seek couple counseling. Lc is probably a good idea. Also no contact with your kid without you present. Keep that verbal and not written at this moment in my non legal and not a shrink opinion good luck and sorry you are going through this

> OOP: Mainly MIL and GMIL. Her sisters are similarly brainwashed that their mother has good intentions and are similarly narcissistic in that their wants matter more than my safety / comfort. They like to tell me they have my side and then tell their mother they have her side because they just need to please everyone. > > FIL is not in the picture

OOP on where both sides of the family live in

> OOP: All live in Canada. We live 5 hours south of them

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Update #2: May 20, 2026 (next day)

Update 2 After responses to the first update I realized I was still not really fully advocating for my daughter nor myself. I was simply compromising to avoid real conflict. I sat down with wife again and had further discussion.

I read the don’t rock the boat post to her and compared it to her family dynamic, with her mother rocking the boat, and her sisters expecting us to steady it so that they can ride along in peace. Brought up health / safety concerns about a 3 month old being surrounded by stress / anxiety/ toxicity for a weekend. Brought up that atp bringing our daughter is not for our daughter because 1, she has no memories of events yet, and 2, our home is healthier for her.

Had a "funny" little moment where she asked if I expected her to go without our daughter and she said she would never leave for days without her and then I asked why she would expect the same of me. She quickly said she sees what I mean and said that in that case she will not be going and will be staying home with daughter and I.

Also talked more about her going NC/LC with her mother and grandmother, and only seeing her sisters / uncle and letting them know in order to see us they would have to visit us. Also brought up how in our 6 years we have visited them nearly once a month the entire relationship and they have been to our house only in the single digits of times. I think it is 8.

Also reminded her that when her mother came down for the birth of our child and said she was staying for a week, she ended up leaving 4 days early citing that she was homesick, and yet holds us to a standard of visiting for more than 3 days at a time even though she is retired with no children under 16 and we have a 3 month old and I work full time while also being in school.

Wife understands that there is nothing positive to come out of continuing to speak to her mother as of now and is just trying to figure out how to tell her sister she won’t be attending the next family gathering.

I suggested inviting just her sister down and that we would celebrate her birthday just us and her and get her a cake and whatnot, so she doesn’t have to give up celebrating with her sister, but we don’t have to give up the health of our daughter and our own mental health.

I think continuing daily talks with her will show her the actual importance of this and help her better see the real tension in our marriage from the wedge her family helped her place between us. I will continue to update still especially with therapy and with MIL / IL's reaction to the fact we are not attending.

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