This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/RolandRoad

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 04, 2019

• Final Update: April 14, 2020

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Main Post

^(December 04, 2019)

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WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

So last month my ex, who I’ve been dating for nearly a year, broke up with me. It was a complete blindside – I thought everything was great and we were talking about getting an apartment together next year. Then we went to a party where she saw her most recent ex. A few days later she told me that he talked to her that night and said he realized how bad he fucked up when he saw her with another guy (me). He’s now ready to give up his vices for her, and she’s sorry but she still loves him enough to want to give their relationship another try.

I was shocked and hurt as hell but what can I do, I can’t force her to stay. I was miserable for weeks but now I just want to settle things and move on, and one of the things that need to be settled is the four thousand dollars that she owes me.

We never talked about how or when she would pay me. Back then all I thought of was that she was my girlfriend, she needed money for a valid reason, and I had money to spare. I wanted to take care of her problem because I wanted to take care of her. I told her to pay me when she had money, and she has been paying me a couple hundred dollars every now and then. I was fine with that because she was my girlfriend but it’s not something that I would do for everyone.

Now that we’re no longer together, I’ve been thinking about asking her to pay me the four grand by the end of the year. I know it sounds petty but honestly now that she’s no longer with me and given the circumstances of our breakup I don’t feel as inclined to be lenient to her with my money as I did before. I also want a clean break so I can totally move on from all of this. I don’t like the idea that I’ll still have some sort of communication or connection to her for the next few years if it takes that long for her to pay me.

I’m willing to listen and ready for your judgment.

 

COMMENTS

Dilduo > NTA > > But dude say goodbye to that money > > OOP >> I hate myself for this but I know her and she's a good person who will pay back that debt.

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wjmacguffin > NTA as long as you clearly stated it was a loan she's have to pay back. Assuming you did, then politely remind her of that and offer a payment plan. That might sound kinda cold, but she borrowed the money and she broke up with you. > > Mind you, I doubt you'll get anything, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with politely asking. > > UglyDuffelBag >> What kind of payment plan? Year ends in less than a month. >> >> wjmacguffin >>> AFAIK, there is no set reason for one year beyond not wanting to talk to the ex. That's reasonable, but if she's only been able to afford a couple hundred every so often, she probably cannot afford all that in one month. >>> >>> Also, demanding thousands is more likely to meet resistance or refusal. That sucks, but I'm hoping OP will be able to get something from the ex. >>> >>> OOP >>>> I know she's not gonna stiff on paying me. She is and has always been a good person. My sister even told me that she messaged her asking if I was doing ok after the breakup. Sometimes I don't know how or why we got to this situation but it is what it is and the only thing I can do is move on and that's what I'm doing.

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[deleted] > INFO It depends on how you plan to ask. If you reach out in a calm and professional manner, like “hey, I want to set up a repayment plan for the remaining xxx dollars borrowed. Can we talk about how to do this on a consistent basis?” > > I think you know she can’t pay that whole amount back by the end of the month. That’s an unreasonable ask that is petty and not about getting your money back. It’s about getting back at her. > > To actually accomplish getting your money back, you will have to divorce your hurt feelings from the breakup from the money and not be too personal nor too curt. Otherwise it will become retaliation and legally, you don’t have a lot of options for recouping your loss. Your best bet is to be both kind and professional when asking for a plan for repayment. Make sure you have calculated exactly what she still owes. > > As for continued contact, you can still do this impersonally through Venmo or whatever. There are apps that will allow you to send and receive money on a recurring basis without any real interaction. > > OOP >> Thanks for the advice, I appreciate all of it. I was always going to approach her in a calm but firm manner, because I don't plan to waste any of my time or effort on hating her or getting back at her. I just want to be done with this and move on. >> >> I know she can send me money online or through an app but I'd still get a notification and I'd still remember all of this. That's the main reason why I want her to pay me by month end and not draw it out for years.

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dunemi > NTA. > > Text her something like this, "Hey Sally, I was wondering if we could set up a repayment schedule for the $4000 you owe me? Can you do $100 per week? Please let me know." And then, hopefully, god willing, she texts back that she'll try to set something up with you. It really doesn't matter how much, because all you're really trying to do is get her to admit, in writing, that she owes you that money. Because if she doesn't, I think you're screwed. (Save those texts!) > > If you already have something in writing, about how it was a loan, and not a gift, then, yeah, go ahead and ask for it back, but be prepared to take her to court. > > Good luck. > > UglyDuffelBag >> Dude he wants 4k until the end of 2019. >> >> dunemi >>> I know. But I thought it was more important to get her to admit she actually owed the money. And you don't get people to admit that if you come in blazing with, give me $4k in one month! >>> >>> But yeah, he's delusional if he thinks he can get his money back so quickly. >>> >>> OOP (downvoted) >>>> I'm not worried about her denying that she owes me something. I know she's going to honor that debt. I just want to get the money back so we can get a clean break without anything tying us to each other so I can completely move on from all of this.

 

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CONSENSUS: Not enough info

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Final Update - after 4 months, 10 days

^(April 14, 2020)

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Update: WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

Hey Reddit, it’s been a while. Here is an update to my post from a few months ago.

The general consensus was that I wouldn’t be an asshole to ask my ex to pay me back as long as I asked nicely, but I was an idiot for lending her money and expecting that she would pay me back four grand at three weeks notice. So I went ahead and called her and nicely asked if she could pay me back at the end of December because I just want a clean break so we can all move on. She said she understood and she’ll see what she can do. I later learned that she sold her car to her boyfriend, who let her continue using the car. In short, I got paid and she kept the car she sold to pay me. Great ending for everyone.

But then a few weeks later she called me saying she wanted to talk. She and her boyfriend went to my apartment and told me the craziest thing: she’s pregnant.

And with that, I have accepted the fact that I will never get the clean break I wanted.

It’s been three months since then. We did the paternity test and confirmed that I’m the father. She and her boyfriend are still together, and he is in counseling as a sign of his commitment to her. The main reason she left him before was that he had an alcohol problem that he couldn't control, so I was concerned that she was staying with him while pregnant. He assured me that he’s turned over a new leaf for her and he will stay with her through this. She says that things are great between them and he is completely sober now. We all try to get along as best as we can for the baby.

When I made that post, I never imagined that this would be the update I would be writing. I never even thought that this would be how I have my first kid. But what’s done is done and at least we’re on the same page about prioritizing the baby.

Thanks for all the replies to my original post and wish me luck.

 

COMMENTS

How did you feel when you found out your ex was pregnant?

> It was. I was happy I got my money back and even planned to book a vacation. And then they told me about it, and I didn't know if I felt like pooping or throwing up. I called my brother after they left because I felt lightheaded and was afraid I'd pass out.

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How is your ex's boyfriend handling the situation, especially given his past alcohol problem?

> To be fair, he seems totally dedicated to her and has been nothing but nice to me so far. Even offered to help with the baby's bills if we need anything. He said that losing her made him realize a lot of things and he's never gonna let that happen again.

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Have you and your ex made arrangements for child support and custody?

> Thanks. We will. We've talked about it with our lawyers. When I lent her money before, I didn't have anything in place, and that could've gone bad. I've learned from that.

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How was the paternity test handled?

> I chose the testing company and the hospital where we went for the swabs. The results were released with all three of us there.

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Were you hoping the baby wasn't yours?

> Yeah because honestly up to the last minute I was hoping that it wasn't mine. I knew it was unlikely because she was with me at the time the baby was conceived and I don't know what they would get out of saying that I'm the dad if I wasn't - her boyfriend has way more money than I do. I just didn't want to be a dad yet. > > Life had other ideas though.

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Did you and your ex discuss abortion, and why did you decide to be involved?

> She wanted to keep the baby. She said I don't have to be involved if I don't want to, but I didn't think I could do that, knowing that it's my child.

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How did you process everything after finding out you were going to be a father?

> Thanks man. It took a lot to get to this place - I was angry at her and then I was in shock and then I was in panic because there are so many things to prepare for the baby. For a while I also thought about how it would've been if we didn't break up. With time I've accepted things for what they are and I know the right person for me is out there and I will find her when it's the right time.

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a lot, so please bear with me. I (47F) recently ended my marriage to Isaac (48M), though we had been separated for almost a year. We were together 28 years, married for 25, and have two children, Myles (25M) and Aaliyah (19F). When Myles was 3, Isaac and I went through a very difficult period, largely bcuz we struggled to have a second child. I had many miscarriages, which caused a huge emotional rift between us. Eventually, I gave birth to Aaliyah, and after couples therapy, our marriage recovered and remained strong for years. Then, in October, I discovered Isaac had been having a full-blown affair with Anna (46F) for over 2 years during that time. He sometimes used our son as an excuse to visit her. Anna knew about me the whole time. And at the risk of sounding corny, but wait there’s more. I found out bcuz Anna came to town with her daughter, Sage (19F), who needed our family's medical history….yea. Isaac ended things with Anna after learning I was pregnant with Aaliyah, so he didn't know Sage existed until I did. But still I was devastated. I was home crying about the babies I lost, while he was out and about. I kicked Isaac out, and after months of trying to rebuild myself, I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. Isaac insists he's been loyal to me since Anna, and I believe him, but I can't move past this act of betrayal. Now for the main issue. I met Isaac in college, where I also met his best friend, Malcolm (48M). We've all been close friends for years. Malcolm and Isaac are also business partners. Malcolm had no idea about the affair, Isaac has confirmed this, and their friendship has suffered bcuz of it. They've remained professional at work. After everything came out, Malcolm was one of the ppl i looked to for comfort. We've always been friends, but about 6 months ago, we started having breakfast and lunch from time to time. B4 you say anything, I was also reconnecting with other friends at the time. Malcolm simply became my safe space. He was comforting, understanding and respectful, and no he never tried to put the moves on me. Now I had suspected Malcolm might have had a crush on me in the past. Isaac and I even joked about it, but Malcolm never acted on it and was also in a relationship. He always respected our relationship. I've only ever seen Malcolm as a friend, but over the last 3 months, something changed. I realized how much I genuinely enjoyed being around him. I eventually asked him on an actual date, and he happily accepted. It was just lunch like normal, except I was honest about my feelings. We're taking things VERY slow. I really like him, but I'm nowhere near ready to give my heart to someone else, and Malcolm has been patient and understanding. Nothing about him changed, him being there for me simply made me realize how much I appreciate him. I've always thought he was cute but never acted on it bcuz of Isaac. We're not officially dating, but we're getting to know each other romantically. But recently, people found out we're seeing each other, and reactions have been a mixed bag. My kids, parents, sister and friends really support us. But Isaac and some mutual friends say it's inappropriate and disloyal to date Malcolm. I don't understand why I'm expected to remain loyal to someone who wasn't loyal to me. Some people call Malcolm sneaky and obsessive, but I don't see that. I've asked others whether Malcolm ever talked about having feelings for me, and everyone said no. Isaac claims Malcolm was waiting for our marriage to fall apart, but neither I nor my family get that vibe. I understand that Malcolm's friendship and business partnership with Isaac complicate things. But we've established boundaries regarding the business and his friendship with Isaac, and as I said we're taking things slow. I've decided to put my feelings first while still trying to be responsible and respectful. Is that so bad?
So, AITA for pursuing my ex-husband's best friend and business partner?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update1 - 3rd August 2026

1 New Update

Update2 - 5th August 2026

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My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

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We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

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Comments

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NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

>OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

>OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

>OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

>OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

>OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

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Update - 1 day later

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Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

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Comments

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Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

>OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

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Update - 2 days later

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Update 2: 26M married to 27F with PCOS. I'm considering an option I never thought I'd even entertain.

I have read every single comment on my posts. Even the ones that stung. I really do appreciate all of it. I also want to thank everyone who reached out privately. I did not expect that and it meant more than you know.

This is a personal update. I feel terrible even typing this. I never thought I would be the kind of person considering something like this. But here I am, stuck between two choices and both of them feel wrong.

I need to give you more context so you understand why this is breaking me. Her father passed away when she was young. She still has nightmares where she is a little girl again, begging him not to leave, asking him why he went away. She wakes up sobbing and I have been there for every single one of those nights. I hold her until she falls back asleep. Over time she started telling me that I fill that gap for her. She sees me like a father in some ways because I have done things with her that she never got to do as a kid. Simple things like going to amusement parks and just making her feel safe. In many ways I see her as someone who never got to fully heal and I have tried my best to be that person for her.

Seeing her vulnerable like that breaks my heart. I cannot imagine leaving her and knowing she would spend even more time trying to heal from our relationship when I have been the one person who has stood by her through everything. I know she would not be okay. I know she would struggle to move on and I cannot stand the thought of that.

And even if she did eventually find someone else, it would not be simple. She cannot just get a donor. She would have to marry again and find someone who accepts her and then go through the whole process of trying to build a family from scratch. The same time it would take for me to quietly delay things would be the same time she would spend trying to rebuild her life except she would be alone and treated like damaged goods by families who judge divorced women. I love her too much to let that happen to her. She does not want that either. She wants kids with me and she feels like I am holding her back from motherhood. She looked broken when we met for the divorce procedure. I know she has been having a terrible time and I think part of her hoped the divorce talk would make me reconsider. Behind her firm position there is a weak girl whom I genuinely consider a daughter in my heart. We were best friends for 3 years before we married by the way.

So here is the part I am ashamed to admit. I have thought about going along with the plan. Bear with me. Quietly taking subtle steps to reduce our chances of conceiving right away. Basically self sabotaging myself. Things that lower sperm count, reserves, quality temporarily to delay conception. Nothing permanent. Nothing medical. Nothing harmful. Just enough to buy us time until we have our own place and I actually feel ready.

I am not trying to steal her chance at motherhood. She has PCOS and she always tells me it will probably take us years to conceive anyway. So in my mind I am not ruining anything. I am just trying to prevent the one scenario where it happens immediately before we are stable. Honestly even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I have a desk job, no time for fitness, work stress, I eat red meat and sugar constantly. I probably already have low sperm. She would never be able to find out because I might genuinely have low numbers already. But doing this just makes sure and she would be happy that I am finally trying.

I do not want to do this. I really do not. But I do not see another way. If I tell her the truth, I risk losing her and putting her through all of that pain. If I go along with it, I risk becoming a father before I am ready. And if I quietly delay things, we have a chance.

So my question is this. If you were in my position and you genuinely could not find another way, what would you do?

I am already carrying a heavy weight and I just need honest perspectives without being torn apart.

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Comments

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YeetThermometer

No no no, just no.

I read your post history and you need to get out of this situation yesterday. The commenters on the first post basically ignored you and focused entirely on her, forgetting that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you as well.

She threatens divorce when she doesn’t get what she wants, but doesn’t really mean it to get her way - that’s coercive. If you think this will end with a kid, it won’t. Congrats, you now have no say in the size of your future family because she’s willing to go nuclear before listening to you, not least because of people like the commenters to your earlier post. She crossed the rubicon; now you live there.

In case of a loss of cabin pressure, put your mask on first before assisting others. Your wife is grinding you down, sucking the life from you and dictating the course of your future without really considering you at all.

You are not responsible for what happens to her and her chances for a kid once you leave. She made some serious mistakes with you and she’ll have to live with them. You can’t make her heal on your own, and you are not personally responsible for creating the dream family she pictures as the answer to her trauma.

So no sperm count games. This isn’t getting better. You can’t bide your time until you’re ready because when you’re ready, it should be with someone who sees you as more than a tool to get her dream life.

ariankhneferet

I couldn’t agree more. Children really are a ‘two yes’ situation. Not ‘two yes under duress’.

>OOP: I agree, but to her, she might not even be able to get pregnant later, she says she knows people with PCOS who were 29 and could no longer get pregnant, so she worries the same could happen to her.

YeetThermometer

As mentioned previously, divorcing you, finding someone else and getting comfortable enough with them to have a baby, then having that baby, would likely blow up her desired timeline as well. That makes it even clearer that divorce threats were manipulative.

It’s not hard to see why she feels like her back is up against the wall. Once again, your needs and feelings have zero to do with it. If, during any of this, you mattered to her as a person, it would have shown up in her words and actions.

buginarugsnug

I don't really understand. Neither of you are going to get what you want, your marriage and future is going to go up in flames because you can't come to a compromise. If it were the fact you never wanted children, then fair enough that is a valid reason for divorce, but the fact you are BOTH unwilling to compromise on a 24 month timescale and divorce over it is wild to me. Surely there is a way to meet in the middle.

>OOP: She wants to start trying next year and she is terrified that any delay will make it harder or even impossible. She believes the longer we wait, the more her chances slip away. To her, time is not on her side and every year that passes feels like a door closing.

buginarugsnug

Am I misunderstanding that you said you are happy to try when you are 29 and you are 27 now? There is a maximum of twelve months between your desired timelines, without knowing when your birthday is, it could be as little as three months between your desired timelines. I don't understand why either of you are willing to throw away your marriage over such a small timescale rather than just changing perspective to sit in the middle of the timescale.

>OOP: I’ve even let go of the age limit and told her I’d consider trying sooner if we had our own place first. But she wants a firm commitment from me that we’ll start trying next year regardless of whether we have our own place by then.

ladybug1259

Don't do this, it's a terrible idea. For many reasons. The deception is terrible and a betrayal regardless of whether she knows about it, I am weirded out by your wording about seeing her as a daughter,and sperm quality can cause miscarriages, not just delayed conception. I genuinely don't understand why you are incapable of reaching an agreement about this. She wants to start trying in a year, you are dead set on buying a place first and then trying but you said in a comment you almost bought a place a month ago, so just...buy one in the next year and you're good? Its also not hard to be in the process of buying while you're trying. I wouldn't suggest waiting until she's pregnant to start looking but you'd be totally fine if you're closing on a house and TTC at the same time.. or divorce if that's what you both want.

>OOP: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I see her like a daughter. I did not mean it in a weird way. I meant it in the way that I have watched her experience things for the first time that she should have experienced with her father. Simple things like going to an amusement park etc... we like to do fun stuff. She never had that growing up and I got to be the one to share it with her. Seeing her face light up in those moments is one of the best feelings in the world. That is all I meant. Nothing strange. Just a man who loves his wife and has tried to fill a void that was never her fault.

Itsmeshlee29

I mean, this is horrible. She ever finds out you did this and it’ll destroy her. Get the divorce. This is so much worse.

>OOP: Like I said, even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I work a desk job. I have no time for fitness. I deal with constant work stress. I eat red meat and sugar like it is going out of style. I probably already have low sperm count without doing anything. So I am not actively ruining anything even if I honestly tried without sabotaging myself.

>Yes, we’re currently living separately while we think everything through. We have about a month to decide whether to retract everything or move forward with the divorce.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

[removed]

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have two kids (13 and 11). Six years ago, she had an affair. I was obviously pretty shocked by it hurt.

When everything came out, I was really close to a divorce and the papers were finalized too. But after thinking about it, I realized I didn’t actually want to blow up our entire lives. We both own our home, and it’s honestly our dream house. We’ve spent years working hard to afford it, raising our kids there, making memories, and I couldn’t stomach the idea of selling it, splitting assets, and putting our kids through a messy divorce while they were still young.

Instead, I proposed something unusual. We’d stay in the house, but we’d no longer be husband and wife. We’d become roommates and co parents. Our kids would be our number one priority until they were out of the house, and after that we’d figure out what we wanted to do. Surprisingly, she agreed.

For the past six years, that’s exactly how we’ve lived.
We have separate bedrooms and haven’t been intimate since the affair. Outside of that, though, our day to day life probably looks pretty normal. We cook together, split chores, watch movies, attend our kids’ events, go on family vacations, celebrate holidays together, and generally work as a parenting team. We’ve actually become pretty good friends.

To her credit, she completely changed her life after the affair. She quit drinking, has been sober for years, went to therapy, and by all accounts has become a much healthier person. We’ve not argued at all for years now.

The problem is that over the past year she’s been asking if we can reconcile. She says she misses being my wife, wants us to share a bedroom again, and wants another chance. She gets emotional whenever the topic comes up and says she’s spent years trying to become someone worthy of forgiveness.

I’ve told her every single time that the answer is no.
I’ve also told her she’s completely free to move on. If she wants a divorce, I’ll cooperate. If she wants to keep living in the house until the kids go to college like we originally agreed, that’s fine too. But I’m not interested in being her husband again. I don’t hate her anymore, I like being friends with her. But it’s sort of impossible for me to love her again or be intimate with her, knowing the physical intimacy she had with her affair partner.

To begin this, i have been with my girlfriend since we were 16 and i’ve known her since we were about 12. We became closer during our sophomore year in high school and started dating beginning junior year. We both got out of highschool recently, so both 18 while hes about 31-32.

Some background of my family and hers, i come from a single mother and i’ve never had any other siblings except brothers. The only girl in my family is my cousin which i rarely speak to. My girlfriend has a full family and just one other sibling being her brother. I never really cared about any of my siblings, i wasn’t close enough to any of them or felt comfortable enough to tell them anything about my personal life or anything like that.

My girlfriend on the other hand, her and her brother tell each-other almost everything. I never cared or paid any attention or mind to any of it until it started making me feel weird. Mainly the fact that she would stop talking to me a bit earlier since she would sleep with her brother. Sometimes, i’d have a rough day and i’d fall asleep on the phone with her and sometimes she wouldn’t even be there to let me since she was too busy about to sleep in her brothers room.

I’ve never had any relatives that are girls but most of my friends are girls, i can talk to them about mostly anything but anything family-wise is kinda unfamiliar to me. My girlfriend would sometimes not talk to me since she would be sleeping with her brother, always in his room instead of hers and would sometimes go with her brother to places i asked to take her. One time, i had asked to see a movie with my girlfriend, i was running a bit low on money but had already set up a day for us to go when i had money, she instead went with her brother instead of me and said she didn’t wanna wait.

Another instance is that.. well.. her brother just tells her everything about his sexual life and goes into somewhat weird detail from what she’s told me, is this normal behavior? I wouldn’t ever think about telling my brothers or my cousins anything about my sexual life, or my little sister if i had one. Another instance of me feeling a bit weird is when she was in his room on facetime with me, showed me his drawer and said “i know he has his condoms down there, i don’t want to and i’m scared to see the size” which immediately made me feel extremely uncomfortable and odd at the comment. I’m sure that isn’t normal? She also gave me her TikTok account and most of her comments (she only has like 5) were talking about her brother and how he’s the best thing to ever happen to her and the greatest role model to ever exist and how he’s so funny and caring and how she doesn’t know what she’d do without him. (I also, was never told anything like this by her or complimented in this way by her, so it just feels odd to me.)

All in all, me and my girlfriend come from very different family dynamics and families. I don’t know if this is normal just because i haven’t had a sister or anyone to confide in close to me in my life similar to maybe how her brother is to her. I just don’t know if i’m overreacting when it comes to this stuff or if it’s just completely normal and i’m being weird because i’m not close with my siblings or cousins like she is.

TL;DR: Me and my girlfriend have been together since high school and she’s really close with her brother, way closer than I ever was with my siblings. Some things have started making me feel weird though, like her sleeping in his room a lot, sometimes choosing to spend time with him over plans with me, and him telling her really personal stuff about his sex life. She’s also made comments before that made me uncomfortable. I can’t tell if I’m just not used to family dynamics like that or if this would seem weird to other people too. what subreddits can i put this in

EDIT: I'm a bad parent that shouldn't have my kids and I should kill myself and my kids should go to foster care instead and yadda yadda, I know.

But I was highly emotional and spiraling when I typed this out but I got good advice that I was asking for and I'm going to implement it to protect my kids.

I obviously give a shit about my son and that's why I came to ask for advice before I did something that would fuck him up even more. So thanks everyone for the insults bc they're humbling and also the good advice.

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THE POST:
I (33F) and my son (9M) have/had really good relationship. We do a lot of activities together and he has a lot of hobbies I support. I take him to zoos, museums, theme parks, and conferences often. We go on a lot of vacations. We have that type of relationship where we communicate deeply and I'm in and out of having him in therapy (the America healthcare system is ass). He's basically my shadow. We just have an all around good relationship.

PREFACE TO THE STORY:
I left his dad when he was a baby bc of physical abuse and he's never seen him since. I remarried when he was around 5 to a man that started physically abusing the both of us immediately after I had another kid with him and we got married. I left him after he physically assaulted me in bed with the baby right next to me, raped me, and I found out that he raped another woman in a different state.

My oldest son knows about some of the abuse and the rape after he and I had an honest, age appropriate conversation (in family therapy with a therapist!!!!!!!) about it since he had questions. Before I tried to leave, the ex tried to commit suicide in front of the kids. Also, the ex and I had a nasty custody and divorce battle. So there were lots of questions.

My youngest kid has court appointed visitation with his dad now. Since this dad is the only dad my oldest son has ever known, they have a father/son relationship that I felt guilty taking away since my son doesn't have his own dad, and as a precaution since the ex likes to rape women and beat women and children, I asked the judge if my oldest can tag along to help keep the youngest safe and it was approved. Before visitation started, I also asked the judge to force the ex to take anger management courses. My ex husband never asked for visitation for or ever mention my oldest son in court not one time.

THE ACTUAL STORY:
When my oldest tags along with visitation, apparently he's been telling all of my business to my ex. Every time I drop them off, I give them the speech of "if he asks you about anything that's going on in my house, answer 'I don't know' to end the conversation or if you don't want to lie, you can say 'you would have to ask mommy' and I'll figure the rest out for you". Apparently instead, he would just talk about me bc my exhusband won't stop talking to them about me.

Asking questions like who's in my home and for how long and for why and if the kids play with the people I have over and if I'm abusing them and what am I doing. Weird and invasive shit.

And now because my oldest son is telling all of my business, my ex husband is trying to modify our custody order and take JUST my youngest child out of the home AGAIN over lies I can easily disprove. He just wants me to spend money I don't have on a lawyer because now that he can't abuse me, he's abusing me through the police and the courts system.

WHAT I NEED ADVICE ON:
I feel so deeply hurt by my oldest son. Like, I'm actually disgusted. I've raised him and his brother their entire lives while both of their fathers abandoned or tried to abandon them multiple times. I put in a lot of effort and time in their education and hobbies and mental health and safety. I give them everything they want within reason. And I feel absolutely betrayed. He's only 9 but I can't even look at my son right now because now because of him, I have to go through this all over again with a man he knows did awful, terrible things to me.

I've looked into some family therapists again but that could take weeks or months to finally get an appointment. I can't even look at my son. I don't want to be in the same room as my own son. I feel like I failed as a parent even though I'm the only parent that has ever loved and cared for him. I feel like the good relationship we had was just a figment of my imagination. We could just sit and talk for hours and hours and talking to him now makes me physically ill. I don't know what to say to him because I don't want to cause him any serious issues when he becomes older. I'm in individual therapy right now but I don't see them for another 2 weeks.

THE QUESTION:
How can I move forward in a way right now that will cause the least damage to him? What can I even say to him right now that'll be child appropriate? I don't even know if this is a viable option yet but how would sending him to live with his dad (who is effectively a total stranger to him) affect him in the long run?

My son and DIL weren’t planning on having a reception after their daughter’s baptism. So, my husband called the day before and asked if we could come to their house afterward and bring some coffee cake. My DIL told my husband that actually, there was a gathering at her mom’s house and we were welcome. This is the first time we heard about it. No one told my daughter about it and my son didn’t tell us about it either. He said they just found out that her mom planned it. My son said he he wasn’t planning on going at all for reasons I thought were selfish (and I told him so). He did rethink his choice and did go. But, we were so hurt and told him we wouldn’t be going afterward. We did go to the baptism and it turns out there were at least 30 people that all knew about the reception and planned on going, so now, we feel even more slighted. My son doesn’t see his error in judgment and thinks we are being unreasonable. When I tried to explain to him our point of view, that we asked to bring coffee cake over, and that’s the first time we heard about a gathering at her mom’s house, he even said, “that’s how you found out?” He sounded dumbfounded and speechless. I don’t think we were deliberately left out, but someone dropped the ball and not one person from the other side of the family came over and asked us if we were coming over.

Does anyone have recommendations for a good Honda mechanic?

Coming up to 5 years ago now my husband passed away. For the anniversary of his death we are having a family reunion to mourn the 5 year anniversary. I invited the whole family except my 18 year old niece.

My brother (her father) and his wifes and their younger child I’ve invited through which my brother is upset about. The reasoning is since his death I haven’t liked her. We used to be quite close before but I felt she was really disrespectful regarding my husband’s death. Firstly at the funeral she didn’t cry.

She didn’t show any emotion at all until a slide show of pictures of him came up. And I saw her laughing when one of the pictures came up. I told my sister how hurtful that was and she talks to my brother about it. My sister said that my brother did understand how that came across she was crying a lot for the days and on the way to the funeral apparently but she doesn’t show it in-front of people very easily.

And apparently she wasn’t laughing because she found his death funny she was laughing at the picture because he was so young and had hair but she’s always known him as bald. So it was a bitter sweet laugh of seeing the younger him. I still was upset about it but told my sister to just leave it now I won’t confront them about it anymore.

A year after my husband’s death. My other brother’s son had a baby. Him and his wife revealed the baby having being born on the group chat. I congratulated them and said it’s a year since my husband’s death. My niece said something along the lines of “oh wow that’s so sweet it’s like reincarnation” I got really upset at her saying this.

I was with my sister at the time. And she FaceTimed my brother. My brother picked up and we asked if he’d seen the group chat he said he hasn’t. We said about what his daughter said. He said sorry he’s mortified that’s definitely not ok. He called my niece in and told her to delete the message that’s not ok to say. She said she’s really sorry to me and she thought it would give me comfort everyone else didn’t respond to the message so she wanted to say something to make me feel better.

We said ok just don’t say things like that again. She said ok. And deleted the message.

Last year at the general family reunion I was talking with my sisters about how annoying my niece is and how disrespectful she is. Word somehow got back to my brother and niece. He told me that when his son was born the day our father died everyone said his son was reincarnated as him. Apparently his daughter thought it would help in this scenario. Obviously it didn’t but basically told us to stop bringing it up.

So I decided to not invite her to the reunion about his death. I made a group chat with everyone invited in it. And her younger brother said that I forgot to add his sister and asked if he should add her. I didn’t respond. But my sister contacted my niece to tell her she’s not invited. Now my brother and a few other family members are angry at me.

Me (F25) and my boyfriend (M27) have been together for three years and recently took the plunge to move in together about six months ago. From the outside, our relationship is incredibly solid. He is incredibly supportive of my career as a pediatric nurse, we share the same financial goals, and we were even casually looking at engagement rings a few weeks ago.

His best friend (F27) has always been a major part of his life. They met in their freshman year of college. I have always been completely fine with their friendship because she is genuinely kind to me and has her own long-term partner. We frequently do double dates.

However, everything completely unraveled last Thursday. I was looking through his home office desk for our lease agreement to check a maintenance clause, and I stumbled across a joint tax return document. Under the filing status, it clearly stated "Married Filing Jointly," listing my boyfriend and his best friend.

When he got home from work, I confronted him immediately. Instead of denying it, he was surprisingly casual. He explained that right after college, his best friend was diagnosed with a chronic illness and was about to age out of her parents' health insurance. Because my boyfriend had landed a high-paying corporate job with incredible benefits, they went to a courthouse and got legally married so she could be covered under his plan. They also claim it gives them a massive tax break.

He insists the marriage is purely a legal arrangement, that they have never been romantic, and that her own partner knows all about it. When I brought up our future and the fact that we were literally looking at rings, he told me that getting a divorce right now would "ruin her medical care" and "waste thousands of dollars in taxes." He expects me to just accept this arrangement and wants us to have a "commitment ceremony" instead of a legal wedding when the time comes.

I am completely spinning out. I feel like I am playing second fiddle to a legally binding commitment he made to another woman, even if it is platonic.

What can I do to fix all of this..?

I purchased a house this year and a somewhat reasonable rate. Not like the super low COVID rates, but better than what has been offered. So far, I have been able to meet my needs, get close to maxing out my 401(k), mix of regular and Roth, and put away about 25% of take home pay in savings, mix of both HYSA and petty cash. All while keeping my credit card debt to $0.

Now the question from the title. Usually at year’s end, I try to decide how much I should put into Roth IRA and Mutual Funds, which was easier to do when I lived in a paid off house. But I had to move when my office ended remote.

Should I prioritize putting the mortgage down before mutual funds? Focus on mutual funds, then put a massive amount down once I have enough to pay the house off?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA1390

My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Homophobia, child neglect, infidelity!<

Original Post  May 12, 2021

Alright so, just like the title says: my gf (25F) doesn’t like the fact that my (26M) brother (15M) is staying with with us.

He was an affair baby since my mom cheated on my dad with another man. Whoever the other guy was wanted nothing to do with her or him when she got pregnant and left.

For whatever reason, they decided to stay together and it’s always felt like they’ve been punishing him for something that was never his fault. My mom chose to cheat on my dad, and the two of them chose to keep him and to stay together, yet still he was never treated the same—especially by my dad. He’s never seen him as his son and it’s pretty evident that he’s loved him a lot less than me.

I’ve always tried to make not feel “unwanted” so we grew up close. To me, he was just my little brother, not my half brother.

I moved out when I was 18. Things seemed fine with him at first, but they got gradually worse. Even more so when he came out to them a few months ago—he opened up to me about everything recently.

I told him what my parents didn’t, and that he is loved and accepted and he can talk to me about anything he wants.

Our parents are evidently not fit to be his parents, so I told him to pack his things and come stay with me. I have a spare room anyway, so it might as well be his. I’m pretty much the only one that has been looking out for him for the longest time. 

Mom and dad were a little upset about this, but they’re hoping I’ll “set him straight” (not sure if that’s supposed to have a double meaning).

Overall, It’s actually been nice having him around. I can tease him about boys in his class. I get to keep up with how he’s doing, and I don’t have to worry about him all the time. (I know it’s not my job but he’s my brother and I love him).

The problem comes in with my girlfriend. She suddenly has a problem with my brother staying at my place because it’s invading her privacy somehow. We don’t live together officially, but she has been around my place a lot and does stay over often.

She’ll get upset if he watches a movie with us or if he eats dinner with us or the fact that he’s up super early for school, and I just don’t think she should be upset about all this. He can’t just actively avoid her if he’s essentially living with me for the time being.

There wasn’t much time to really run it by her or talk to her about since it just wasn’t a healthy environment for him. I’ve been looking into getting him emancipated or becoming his legal guardian.

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m trying to help him when we’re not even “real brothers” according to her and he’s not my responsibility. She wants me to send him back home and is basically making that the condition of our relationship.

I know that I’m going to choose my little brother, but I don’t know how to let her off easy or if I should even do that.

TL;DR: my brother (15M) is staying at my place with my girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) after being abused at home. My girlfriend isn’t happy about this and wants me to send him somewhere else, but I’m the only person who has ever looked out for him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theamazinglula

>INFO: do you have dates anywhere else ? are you too ever alone without him?

OOP

>>We’ve had dates in other places and even if we are home, he’ll leave if he can.

~

super-sad-potato

> You are amazing brother but just want to ask, do you have intimacy and time alone with your gf? Ppl who helping one person are sometimes sucked up by just one priority and they forgetting about other ppl who they love. > > I just try to figure out why she is annoyed, she shouldn't be so entitled to this, but she may have problem because your life choices will on hold for another 3-4years. Mostly woman want to start their own family before 30 get married before having kids etc. > > Talk with her about roots of her dislike to situation.

OOP

>>We do get time alone! Things have been pretty much the same between us other than the fact that the spare room isn’t empty anymore and my brother occasionally watches something with us or eat meals together when she’s around.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

>Tell her he is your real brother and that is that he is your family and if she wants to be part of you then that is how it is. IF not she can leave and never look back

Update  May 20, 2021 (8 days later)

Just wanted to come on here and give an update on the situation.

I did end up talking to her. She was aware of the situation beforehand, but still wasn’t sympathetic of his situation. I would’ve understood what she was saying if my brother was imposing all the time and acting like a third wheel, but it was only sometimes.

It wasn’t going to work between us if she was just going to make him feel as shitty as our parents did, so we did end up ending things. It was definitely for the best, but I kind of wish she at least tried to understand the situation instead of making it all about her.

In other news, my brother seems to be doing a lot better. I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him. 

We haven’t really heard anything from our parents, and I’m fine with him staying as long as he needs to.

He’s had a few friends over and I’m almost certain that one of them is his boyfriend (will be teasing him about this), so I’d say he’s doing well for himself.

Thanks to everyone who responded on the last post!

tldr: I ended up breaking up with her and as regards to my brother, our parents haven’t reached out to say anything, but he’s doing well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Quick context, I(29M) known my girlfriend(26F) 5 years and we have been together about 3 years and living together about a year. We have a good relationship, we have our fights but in my experience every couple does. Anyway, yesterday I came home from work to find my girlfriend and her little sister talking at the living room table. Her little sister(22) just graduated college and broke up with her long term boyfriend. After the normal hey how was your day my girlfriend essentially states they have booked flights for a 2 week trip to Europe for next summer. She also threw in a “and I told Lily that you’d be nothing but supportive about it” and basically went on to say we are justifying it by saying if we do it now we won’t look back with regret in the future. After her sister left she asked me to help look at flights which means she lied about the whole already bought tickets but she said they are lying to everyone about the tickets to avoid being talked out of it. A white lie but still annoying as I thought we would always be open with eachother. I understand wanting to go and travel but I think we should at least have a real conversation first. I pay for most things in the relationship so she’s been able to pay off her debt and save up a couple thousand dollars which she wants to blow it all on this trip. Am I wrong for thinking that it should be an actual conversation first and not just “I’m going”? If I were to come home and say me and my brother are traveling across the world and you get no say she’d have a big problem with that. There’s also the little piece of I trust her because she can be a bit of a grandma (in bed by 9 pm most nights) but her little sister is recently single and enjoys going out to the bars till early in the morning. It also just feels like a little slap in the face money wise. ALL of my money goes to us and the relationship, ya know if you got world travel money why am I the one putting gas in your car? Maybe I’m just not sure how to go about telling her that the whole thing bothered me but maybe I’m just over reacting I am not sure.

When I was nine my mom was in an accident and sustained life altering injuries. She was in the hospital for months before my father hired a home nurse to care for my mom. Ultimately my mom's injuries were too severe and she died when I was ten. For at least three months prior to her death my father had been having an affair with my mom's nurse and the two of them grew more obvious about it in the final month of my mom's life. There was a big fight between my father and my mom's family after mom died. Lots of accusations, lots of yelling and cursing and my father went absolutely nuts on them for reporting the nurse to her agency, because the agency had rules against dating the spouse or immediate family of someone you are caring for. She was fired and my father was so offended that my mom's family took a stance against the two of them.

I hated my father and I hated that woman for disrespecting my mom in the way that they did and for forcing me to watch them screw around while I was watching my mom go through hell. My father expected me to be on his side and he told me I better treat his side piece well. When I didn't he would punish me and he told me he was going to be marrying her whether I liked it or not. The timeline went something like this.

Affair started a few months before mom died

I became aware a little while before everyone else did

My mom dies and a big fight happens

Days after mom dies the nurse/affair partner moves in.

They get engaged two months later

They marry four months after getting engaged

My father and the affair partner tried to have children for years while I lived with them. They also shoved me into a lot of therapy so I would turn my attitude about them around and accept being a family with them. I resisted and had a very toxic relationship with them both. I was 16 when my father agreed to let me live with my maternal grandparents because I was blamed for the affair partner's infertility issues. I didn't see or speak to them again after that.

They ended up having two children. Their first was born when I was 18/19 and their second when I was 20. I have never met those kids, never had any intention of having anything to do with those kids and my relationship with my father's extended family is a once a year call with most of the family and close contact with two similarly aged cousins.

In April my father died and his affair partner abandoned the kids. My father's family all started arguing over who would take the kids and it resulted in the kids being taken into foster care where they are with strangers currently. The family cannot agree among themselves which person/coupe should take them except for all believing my wife and I should do it. We have been married for three years and we plan to have children soon. We're both very stable in our jobs and lives which they are at least partially aware of. They say as the brother and the closest relative to those kids it should be me taking them. But I would never take them. I don't want them. I don't have any intention of getting to know them or being there for them.

In between all the fighting I am getting more regular calls and texts about this. My wife even got three DMs from my aunt who said she should talk me into it and she replied back no and that was it. My suggestion to the family was to stop fighting and just all take care of them together since they care.

I have mostly ignored all attempts from my father's family to push this responsibility onto my wife and myself. But I'm noticing it encourages more and more contact and so I'm starting to wonder if I should just block them all, except for my two cousins who have been firmly against the rest of that side pressuring me, and move on without even the once a year contact with them.

And in case anyone wants to know about the maternal side of the kids' family. They wanted nothing to do with those kids' mom after she lost her job for sleeping with a patients husband. A lot of that was brought around me and I can guarantee none of them will want those children either.

I’m currently researching for a book (work of fiction) and I’m looking for information on Marine Birthday Balls that would have been held in Germany in 1998. Would it have been held in Bonn before most functions were moved to Berlin? Would the Marines assigned to EUCOM have held their own in Stuttgart?

If anyone here attended one of those balls in 1998, I would love to hear from you.