r/polycritical

My friend at 27 got her first partner ,she had different flings but this is her first queer relationship.

I should be happy for her but... her partner is poly and if a mooch.

My friend pays all their rent, food, utilities because her partner is unemployed.

And her "partner"? Takes my friend with anxiety to house parties and fucks other people in the next room.

My friend has really low confidence I just wish I could make her see relationships dont have to work like this...

Is it just me or do poly people tend to use polyamory as a way to subsidize their rent when they’re struggling by uhauling partners? or manipulate their multiple partners into funding their financial obligations?

Additionally they will excuse never treating their partners to nice things because it would be unfair to the whole polycule because they can’t/refuse to afford to treat everyone and folks would get jealous.

I’m just a little confused why broke people pursue polyamory when they can’t even afford to treat one girlfriend appropriately?

Anyone else think it's those open marriage people that really create the tumors in dating these days?

The anti-ethical no? Regardless of how woke they say they are and breaking free from whatever chains they claim to have been prisoners of..

The fact of the matter is. If not even religious vows to the love of your life were a good enough anchor to keep your morals in check...

Yet you still hang on to them for dear life to keep your spouse... I dare you to divorce. Too scared youll lose your enm partner that you have so much compersion and trust for?

I call Bullshit. The most hypocritical toxic abusive people around.

It's no wonder the last 3 people ive connected with disrespected my very clear MONOGAMOUS ONLY requirement and found it more important/attractive?to share their psychopath/narcissist/CSA history than the fact that they are married. Wow

Started talking to a guy on an app. I never hook up due to a need for emotional intimacy first and this is always stated and clear on my bio / first few conversations.

He messaged me and we hit off. He was so my type- but his profile was DL and he actually brought up that even though we want different things he enjoyed talking to me . We ended up sexting and that turned into every day talking - to the point where I asked if he wanted to meet me.

He was dropping heavy stuff like ‘ I wanna go away with you’ from early on and it was amazing since we both have very niche interests .

I asked him flat out if we should stop talking because I wasn’t looking for something casual and that maybe we weren’t a match. The next day we met for dinner and had an amazing date. I noticed he wore a silver ring and asked about the ring. He said he was not married etc.

We subsequentially had a movie date the next day and the chemistry was off the charts. Kissing - holding each other - he was very sensitive to my needs in regard to not going crazy with physical touch. Sexual intimacy is very hard for me.

We had a few more dates and then he actually came to my place and met my mother. We had dinner and just hung out . It was really great.

A beach date where he held my hands and walked with me for miles.

I would meet him from his train after his work and we would just talk about nonsense and kiss. He would say ‘ I just need to see you tonight’

During a shopping date he told me he was nervous about me being on the dating app and was scared to see that I would be online. I told him I felt the same way and that I was only talking to him and that I was invested. He admitted he was very interested and can be possesive. Still didn’t have his cell number yet . Kept grabbing my hands in the store and kissing playfully.

He finally gave me his cell number after he met my mom. He wouldn’t give it to me at my house - made me wait to get it from him on Grindr. Not sure if it’s his work phone or what.

We had a date Friday( last night) going to antique places. He overslept and ended up picking me up and we went thrifting and had dinner. Really amazing time super attentive and playful with me- holding my hands etc.

After dinner It came up that last year a guy had kinda used me as a situationship , and I found out too late that he was using me just for the sex. This is when my guy dropped the bomb:

**1.**He’s moving away from our hometown to go back to where he has a full time job in his industry and an apartment

**2.** He’s part of a poly relationship and he wanted to make me aware because he knows that I want a conservative relationship . This was after 6+ dates.

I knew something was off and told him it was okay - but that I can’t be that way.

He asked if I had ever thought of it and I made it very clear that I cannot operate that way. I essentially said that when I have a partner they are my world and I don’t share that. I don’t need anybody else except them .

I told him I was angry but I’m understood. I cried - he cried.

He told me that even in that moment ‘ he was very serious about me - and wanted to sweep me off my feet- even take me back to his other home and have me be there’ .

I laughed and asked him if he meant for me to be part of his commune. How can that be serious?

I’m devastated. The connection- chemistry- everything seemed too perfect. I knew he was keeping a secret but I didn’t think it was this.

I don’t understand how he can say he’s serious about me and want to work to sweep me off my feet - while wearing a ring on his finger that symbolizes some poly relationship he has .

I feel empty . Kinda played. I’m 32 and I haven’t dated seriously since a very bad breakup. This was my first foray back in a while and I feel unwell.

He swore to me that I wasn’t a summer fling and that he didn’t know he would feel the way he did .

My best friend says I should enjoy the weeks we have left and ignore it because he’s leaving. But it hurts my heart so much to know that I’m one of god knows who. I can’t understand how he can express what he’s saying in a truthful manner.

He asked me if ‘ everything needs to be planned ‘ . I said that I wasn’t trying to marry him but it seems like he dangled the carrot and yanked it away with his admission.

I don’t know. I’m feeling very scorched earth. He’s been texting me today and I’ve been kinda frosty. Caught between blocking him entirely or discussing having whatever we can in the next month.

Firstly, it’s a huge relief to find this subreddit, especially after my own experience of getting caught in an unethical setup. I recently came out of a D/s dynamic that suddenly imploded six months ago after I finally stood my ground. I stated that I was unprepared to feel contaminated by another person in my relationship, and I’ve been reeling from that loss ever since, even knowing how toxic it was.

I absolutely despise the way polyamory is being fraudulently used as a shield to absolve certain individuals of emotional maturity, safety, ethical practice, and just being a decent human being. I feel like this behaviour is slowly being normalised. I’ve even heard people justify it by saying, "the animal kingdom is poly, so it must be natural." Call me old-fashioned, but I’d like to think we are sophisticated enough to be more than just slightly evolved primates driven to sleep with anything and everything. And all this "I have so much love to give" rhetoric is utter crap. Split love and split attachment is not love.

In my case, I had an entitled Domme whose BS I felt forced to tolerate. She insisted she wasn't poly, yet she wanted to keep both me and a male sub. It hurt us both deeply. We were constantly compared, reduced, and made to feel like we weren't whole individuals. The massive hypocrisy was that she didn't want either of us having other relationships or dynamics. It was essentially one-way monogamy so she could enjoy total devotion and loyalty while having her cake and eating it too. Ultimately, it backfired; I walked away, and I’m pretty sure he is gone now, too.

Looking back, I think she dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia. She wanted a female "bit on the side" while seeking her mother’s approval. Her mother fawned over the male sub like he was the best thing since sliced bread, viewing F/F relationships as not "proper," even though her daughter openly admitted he wasn't enough because he couldn't provide what a woman could. She even reassured me (and you'll love this one) that "When me and her are together, he does not exist." To which I retorted back "Ohhh just like I likely don't exist and get erased when you and he are together too then hey?" She just looked blankly at me, didn't know what to say and cowardly shut down. Apparently I should have also been reassured that I would not be getting any less love, because she can just offer her 'love' but 'doubled' because she had 'so much love to give'... despite the fact she then back pedalled and said 'I do not have romantic feelings for you'.

All this after telling me we belong together in each other's arms, telling me dreams she had about me and gazing into my eyes at dinner and breakfast at a fancy hotel WHICH I FUCKING PAID FOR, after she nudged me to do so. Yes I must have the word MUG written across my forehead and I know she fully exploited me for a luxury hotel, for dinner and for intimacy.

Things finally came to a head when I refused to be compartmentalised anymore. True to form, the cold, dismissive discard came the very next day. She immediately began retconning what we had, rewriting narratives to suit her, and backpedaling on everything she had ever told me about what our bond meant.

Before the end, I called her out on the same "poly" crap she claimed not to subscribe to. I told her, "So let me get this straight: you want sexual dynamics with two people, neither of whom are allowed to have other romantic relationships, so you can have us both to yourself...but you can't offer that same loyalty back? Just, nope."

The double standards were there from the start. When we first began our dynamic, she hated that I had been flirting with another woman online the site we met.. way before we even started interacting. I immediately rushed to reassure her and said i had nit interacted with her in weeks, all while she was incessantly flirting with a guy and thirsting over his nudes. She claimed she didn't want to feel "jealous" because she was "a little possessive."

Since the split, I’ve said my piece and have kept her blocked for nearly five months. I am still very much in the process of healing. I feel disgusted by how she used me for my time, my money, my energy, and my devotion. She would never even admit to her being poly and her exploitation of me, just that she never went out to hurt and use me and that she was 'sorry for that'.

Fuck these people, they are users, they are parasites and they are leeches, the lot of them.

So I’m a single lesbian and am active on the apps, so I’ve seen it all between the unicorn hunters and people within the actual queer community. I went out to a queer club recently and met a woman there who I hit it off with.

I found out she was actually married to a man so quickly friend zoned her despite her assurances that their relationship was open. I was fine with being her friend as we really did share a lot of interests. I was telling her about some of my dating troubles when she decided to completely take over the conversation to lament about how people are always hating on bisexuals and poly people when all she wants more than anything is to love and have a girlfriend while still being with her husband.

She kept telling me how her luck has been horrible, how she still hasn’t found a girl who wants to be with her seriously, and how she thinks everyone just views her as only wanting women for sex. I was getting pretty annoyed by her entitlement and basically said to her “why would someone want to put their life on hold to date someone who is never going to be able to give them a real relationship.”

I mean seriously? She wouldn’t be able to marry, she wouldn’t be able to live with them, she wouldn’t be able to dedicate as much time or attention or affection, she wouldn’t be able to meet their family without extreme judgement. It’s just being a side piece for the rest of your life. How many people are actually on board with that? Why choose to date her when they can date someone who can actually provide those things?

It seems like these people are looking for a little accessory in their life they can pick up and put down whenever they feel like while having no regards for the person’s well-being or feelings. You are not owed an extra relationship just because you would be able to love x, y, z, with your whole chest.

And I found her hiding behind her bisexuality to also be in poor taste. Being bisexual doesn’t mean needing polyamory, it doesn’t mean when people are judging someone for being polyamorous that they’re judging them for being bisexual.

I (20F) just got out of a relationship with a poly man (33M) (yes I know the age gap is horrible, I should have known better but he was my first for everything) and am so happy to find this group for support. He used to pretend to be such a “feminist” meanwhile he pressured me to take plan b in front of him even when I told him very clearly I wanted to take it at home. He then told me he wouldn’t be around to talk after because he was going on a date with his “partner” while I sat alone in my house crying from the anxiety and pain from the pill. He also hit me during sex for the first time without asking first. He also cheated on his ex of 4 years after she moved provinces for him then decided he was poly.

He was a sick fucking degenerate who used to act like he was such a progressive feminist meanwhile he was doing all this to women he called his “partners” I’m so happy to have him gone from my life. My last words to him were rightfully “I fucking hate you”

Besides how repulsive this whole idea is to actually emotional secure people who have "done their work," it's this emotionally abusive concept, whether spoken or unspoken, that anyone who disagrees and isn't open to it just isn't emotionally mature enough for "free love."

Love isn't exploitative, true love is capable of actual loyalty. Needing multiple partners to me screams insecure attachment issues.

No shade for people dealing with those, so was I, but after becoming truly emotionally mature I want more for myself than someone who needs the freedom to betray me without feeling bad about it. That's not love that is harm dressed up as love.

If a poly person can admit how utterly traumatized they are, and how utterly incapable of being content secure and loyal with one person, then I can empathize with that. But stop acting like your toxic lifestyle is healthy and trying to justify it by putting everyone else beneath you when it's you who lacks emotional maturity. So did I, once...just sayin.

I respect myself far too much to be one option in someone's repertoire. I deserve so much more and so do you! I think these people fundamentally lack respect for themselves, as well as the others they are using. Again, I was like that once which is why I call BS.

It's not a lifestyle it's a fetish, kink, and most participants operate like cult members trying to recruit with emotional blackmail.

Happy Friday everyone!

Kudos to this band for calling this shit out. 🤘 🎸

From what I understand, this is a 19-year-old bisexual person who says they're poly. I just thought it was funny that I got a notification for this post.

Realistically, since they've set the bar so low on what's required to be considered a good partner, at his worst technically my abusive ex is "more poly" than most of them. Or however that stupid bragging game they play goes.

But even if I could and wanted to and succeeded at having and maintaining multilple genuinely loving and fulfilling relationships where everyone is happy.

Why the fuck would I want to ruin that by labelling it polyamory after the disgrace it has turned into? I asked my friend what is poly. She says "you never would think to imagine it but if anyone ever wondered how one could fit marriage kids sadism masochism humiliation cucking pathology trauma disassociation regression dimentia neglect and jealousy simultaneously in one relationship without a single public tear or murder to avoid asking for a simple break like normal couples. That's poly. It's where love goes after it was aborted. not even Satan likes it there."

All of these "experienced poly/ENM with multiple" on their thrones responding to one after another poor traumatized person asking for someone to rescue them by saying "that's not poly" "omg he is not poly girl leave him now" as everyone chants that's not poly.

Friend, do you not see the mountain of shit you are standing on as you vigourously swat away the flies? Why are you getting so triggered and judgemental by the train of intruders barging in past your "welcome, please join us for ktp supper" just because they come calling your home the pile of shit it is...oops careful, that one is not a fly. That's your daughter

Fuck that. Let them have the rights to the label. I wouldn't be caught dead calling myself poly. Doing exactly what they criticise about the institutions they "broke free" from. The shitshow is poly. How hot does it need to get for someone with some dignity and heart left to lead to say "maybe we should get out of here guys. Anyone else not breathing from the smoke?"

Dont they know how to have a relationship without a label? Do they really think if I just take it away suddenly they'll all turn to_____Shit partners? Alone? Traumatised?

Oh damn you mean they would have to spend a whole hour talking and explaining in detail how nonsensical and virtually extraterrestrial the kind of partner they are really vetting for is. But that leaves all their needs unmet. How will they survive.

What do you think about cheating while drunk? I'm still trying to heal from several betrayals, the first one I suffered was in a 2 week dating and I was sick 1 week but not too much either. The second after 6 months of dating and I was sick for 1 year and a little more, but the intensity was well distributed so I didn't feel like I was dying. The third was after 9 months of actual relationship and that, that killed me, I was sick for a shorter period than the second (1 and a half months) but it's as if it had been 5 years of pain all concentrated in that period. It hurt so much that I fragmented for a while and only now am I regaining confidence and confidence that not everyone does it. So I find myself thinking about a lot of things to figure out if I'm the “weird” one who thinks like being drunk doesn't lead you to cheat or is it normal. What do you think?

This is more of a rant than anything. I know that not all poly people are like this, but the whole situation has been extremely frustrating.

I was friends for months with a poly person much oolder than me (10-15 years) and one of the things that rubbed me the wrong way and frustrated me through the whole thing, adding to the other reasons I cut them off entirely, was the fact that…they never seemed to respect me or my sexuality. We often discussed characters and shipping and I had no issue with polyamory, but they took that as an incentive to…somehow throw jabs at my monogamy? They had full on breakdowns “on my behalf” because “you’re dating someone who isn’t queer like you” (lie, we’re both bisexual) “you’ll never be able to be free”. Guy wanted me to be gay and poly. Despite me saying I am extremely happy where I am. He tried to turn it into “but if you’re dating a woman you’ll never have a gay experience/hookup” and just couldn’t fathom I do NOT want to hook up. Single or taken I would not do that. At some point I started feeling like it was just him venting the frustration that he couldn’t hit on me.

In general the whole thing was frustrating and as much as I know that not all poly people are like this, this is not the first time someone is so..pressed with me. Which is funny because I never act the other way around and press them to be monogamous. But oh well.