u/bot_to_my_sense

I’m 34M, married for 5 years to my wife (30F). I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore, and I’m hoping people who have been through something similar can give me an honest perspective.

For the last 2 years, our marriage has been struggling.

My wife has been going through a difficult phase professionally for around 4 years. Initially, she wasn’t very serious about her career, but over the last couple of years she realised how important it is to her. Unfortunately, the struggle and frustration seem to have changed her personality.

She has become very short-tempered and often takes out her frustration on me. I have tried to calm her down and support her, but over time I started feeling less like a husband and more like a punching bag.

There have also been frequent arguments between her and my family, which has put me in a very difficult position emotionally.

I’m not saying I handled everything perfectly. I didn’t.

We did try communicating about our problems several times. We discussed what was hurting both of us and tried to improve things, but nothing really changed. Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted.

Then, about 7 months ago, I met another woman.

She is around 10–12 years older than me and lives in a different state. She is also divorced.

Initially, we simply had amazing intellectual conversations. Somehow, without either of us really planning it, we became emotionally attached and started dating.

There was no physical relationship. But emotionally, I became very attached to her.

And here is where I know I messed up.

When I was talking to her, I stopped thinking so much about how unhappy I was in my marriage. Her company made me feel understood, appreciated and emotionally alive again. For a while, I didn't feel like I was constantly dealing with conflict.

She eventually decided that she wanted to move forward with her life and settle down. She ended things.

And now that she is gone, I miss her terribly.

I'm back to square one.

The problems in my marriage are still there, but now I've also lost the person who had become my emotional escape.

I know some people will say, "You cheated. What did you expect?"

And honestly, I can't completely disagree.

I take responsibility for that.

But what I'm struggling with is understanding what I should do now.

Do I try one more time to repair my marriage, even though previous attempts at communication haven't worked?

Do I consider separation if we genuinely cannot make each other happy anymore?

Should I tell my wife about the other woman, knowing that it could completely destroy whatever chance we have of repairing things?

And how do I deal with missing someone who is no longer part of my life?

Part of me wonders whether I genuinely loved this woman, or whether I became attached because I was emotionally starved in my marriage. Maybe it was both.

I don't want to make a life-changing decision simply because I'm hurting right now.

At the same time, I don't want to spend another 5–10 years in an unhappy marriage just because I'm afraid of making a difficult decision.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that I'm right. I know I've made mistakes.

I'm looking for genuine advice from people who have experienced emotional affairs, broken marriages, separation, reconciliation, or something similar.

tl;dr

If you were in my position, what would you do?

And if you've been through something like this, what do you wish someone had told you at the time?

Summary:

A 34M married for 5 years is struggling in a strained marriage due to his wife’s career stress, resulting in frequent conflict and emotional exhaustion.He emotionally connected with another older divorced woman during this period, leading to a non-physical but deep emotional affair.The affair provided him comfort and relief from marital stress, but ended when she chose to move on and settle down.Now he feels lost, missing her while still facing unresolved issues in his marriage and guilt over his emotional infidelity.He is seeking advice on whether to repair his marriage, consider separation, disclose the affair, and how to cope with his emotional attachment.